Chapter 31: Welcome to the Horizon

Speaker 1 Your sausage mcmuffin with egg didn't change. Your receipt did.
The sausage mcmuffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just five dollars.

Speaker 1 Only at McDonald's for a limited time.

Speaker 3 Prices and participation may vary.

Speaker 5 This is Marshawn Lynch. But on Prize Picks, being right can get you paid.
So I'm here to make sure you don't miss any of the action this football season. With Prize Picks, it's good to be right.

Speaker 5 With millions of members and billions of dollars awarded and winning, Prize Picks is the best place to put your takes to the test.

Speaker 5 The app is really simple to use and available in 40-plus states, including California, Texas, and Georgia. Just pick two or more players across any sport.
Pick more or less on their projections.

Speaker 5 And if you're right, you can cash in. With simple stats and fan-friendly policies, PrizePicks is the best place to make your picks.
Most importantly, they don't play about your paper.

Speaker 5 All transactions on the apps are fast, safe, and secure.

Speaker 6 Download the PrizePex app today and use code Spotify to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code Spotify to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup.

Speaker 6 PrizePicks, it's good to be right. Must be present in certain states.
Visit PrizePicks.com for restrictions and details.

Speaker 7 Midnight Burger will always be free to listen to, but it's not free to make. So please consider supporting us on Patreon or Apple Podcasts.

Speaker 7 For early access, ad-free shows, exclusive content, and our enduring gratitude, just go to patreon.com/slash midnightburger or subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Previously on Midnight Burger, fangs out!

Speaker 9 Just everybody say fangs out! Fangs out!

Speaker 7 Stumbling upon Tarek in present-day America, the diner institutes operation Coming to Steal Your Man.

Speaker 10 Yale break, motherfucker!

Speaker 4 Tamara comes along, and she has a helicopter now.

Speaker 11 I'm too rich to repeat myself, don't make me.

Speaker 7 While in a standoff with federal agents, Tarek confesses that, despite everything, he's still got a weakness for redheads as long as those red heads are capable of devouring all of space-time like it's a totino's pizza.

Speaker 8 Somewhere deep down is still that medieval romantic.

Speaker 8 That part of me that would give

Speaker 7 anything just to see her face again.

Speaker 13 What a sound!

Speaker 7 I love that guy. Now that we're all on the same page, let's track down Clementine and end this.

Speaker 2 Look out!

Speaker 14 Clementine, stop.

Speaker 15 I need your help. Oh, really?

Speaker 7 You need their help? Has it all come crashing down, Clementine? Who could have predicted that other than everybody?

Speaker 7 Let's start the shift.

Speaker 7 Frank

Speaker 16 I will not, not in a million years, understand your obsession with starting over.

Speaker 17 I'm not obsessed. That's completely unfair.

Speaker 16 No matter what we talk about, no matter what problem we're having, you always bring it back around to getting out of this town and starting over.

Speaker 17 We should get out of this town and start over again.

Speaker 16 That is not the solution to everything.

Speaker 17 I never said it was the solution to everything.

Speaker 16 The kitchen sink backed up, and your solution was to get out of town and start over again.

Speaker 17 I wasn't presenting it as a solution to the sink.

Speaker 16 Of course, you weren't, but you never hesitate to bring it up, do you?

Speaker 17 No, Peter. Honestly, I don't.
Do you know why? Because we should get out of town and start over again.

Speaker 16 Our lives are here.

Speaker 16 Our kids go to school here. My sister is here.

Speaker 17 Her kids are here.

Speaker 17 Mean we have to stay here.

Speaker 16 I realize you don't understand the importance of family because yours was so dysfunctional.

Speaker 20 What?

Speaker 16 But it's important.

Speaker 16 And it's important in ways that nobody anticipates.

Speaker 17 You're seriously going to stand there and accuse me of not knowing the importance of family after giving birth to not one, but two of your children?

Speaker 16 That's not what I'm saying.

Speaker 13 It sounds like that's what you're saying.

Speaker 16 Don't put words in my mouth.

Speaker 17 I don't need to put words in your mouth. You don't understand the importance of family.
That's what you said.

Speaker 16 Stephanie, it's not just... Our kids.
It's everyone. My sister, her kids, this town.
We rely on these people and they rely on us.

Speaker 17 We don't rely on these people.

Speaker 2 Of course we do.

Speaker 17 At least once a day, someone from this town comes to you with a problem for you to clean up. Who said that was your job? There's a reason this town doesn't have a mayor, Peter.
It doesn't need one.

Speaker 17 Fine.

Speaker 16 Fine. Let's hear it.
Let's hear your solution then.

Speaker 23 What are you talking about?

Speaker 16 Where are we moving to? Peter. No, no, no, no.
We're going to sell the motel and then pack up the covered wagon, right? I'm sure you have this all figured out because you can't stop bringing it up.

Speaker 16 So what's the plan?

Speaker 17 We're supposed to come up with a plan together.

Speaker 16 Throw something to me, anything. Pick a city in the northern hemisphere.
Let's go.

Speaker 17 I can't just pick a city.

Speaker 19 No, you can't.

Speaker 16 Do you know why? Because this escape plan of yours, starting over in a new town, it completely falls apart when we're confronted with a little thing called reality.

Speaker 7 What would we do there?

Speaker 16 Could the kids walk to school like they do now? Are there even schools nearby? Can we afford to live there?

Speaker 26 Etc.,

Speaker 24 etc.,

Speaker 23 etc.

Speaker 17 There are answers to all those questions.

Speaker 16 There are answers to all of those questions. I guarantee you, this escape plan of yours will collapse in on itself as soon as you get an answer you don't like.

Speaker 16 You're in favor of leaving so long as there are no complications and everything goes our way. When in the history of the world has that ever happened,

Speaker 17 what room are we arguing in?

Speaker 16 Seven.

Speaker 17 Let's go.

Speaker 28 Sheesh,

Speaker 18 Frank.

Speaker 24 Hey, Frank, Clementine.

Speaker 9 How are you?

Speaker 24 Just great.

Speaker 25 Okay.

Speaker 15 There was a kind of crazy scene out there. I think a couple checked in to try and work out their marital problems.

Speaker 11 Do you know them?

Speaker 24 I do.

Speaker 9 Who are they?

Speaker 24 That's Peter and Stephanie Sturgis.

Speaker 24 My mother and father.

Speaker 15 Your mother and father?

Speaker 31 Yes.

Speaker 25 Uh, Frank.

Speaker 15 Frank, didn't you tell me that your father passed away?

Speaker 32 Yes.

Speaker 12 Well,

Speaker 12 what

Speaker 29 Frank, what's going on?

Speaker 24 My parents were very protective. They were very concerned about fighting in front of us.
They thought it would be traumatic, so they had this habit.

Speaker 24 When they needed to have a fight, they would get a sitter and then stay here.

Speaker 24 They would fight all night long and then come back the next day like nothing had happened. I got wise to it when I was 12.
I always wondered what they were fighting about.

Speaker 14 That's

Speaker 15 that's them in that car?

Speaker 26 What car?

Speaker 17 What do you mean, what

Speaker 15 the car is gone?

Speaker 24 Just wait.

Speaker 13 Oh, God.

Speaker 15 How long has this been happening?

Speaker 24 It started this morning.

Speaker 24 It's Clementine.

Speaker 33 What is she doing here?

Speaker 24 I don't know. Clementine, what are you doing here?

Speaker 11 I was just.

Speaker 24 You know, June has a theory.

Speaker 34 What?

Speaker 24 June, you have a theory?

Speaker 11 Who did this, Clementine?

Speaker 24 As you can imagine, we're starting to go a little crazy around here.

Speaker 35 I'm not crazy, you're crazy.

Speaker 24 There was

Speaker 24 when we first met you, when you were lying in the parking lot and we took you to the hospital, June and I waited for a while. There was this weird thing that happened.

Speaker 24 One of the nurses kept calling for Dr. Nate.
She did it over and over again.

Speaker 24 And June now thinks that it was...

Speaker 36 It was a time loop.

Speaker 24 She thinks it was a time loop.

Speaker 24 which she got from a Star Trek episode so what if it's a Star Trek episode tell her about the car and there was a car that kept driving by the motel over and over again she thinks that was another one and now

Speaker 11 there's a literal outer limits episode happening in our parking lot and she says it's because of you it all started when you showed up

Speaker 24 we've gone through several stages with this today shock horror disbelief

Speaker 24 here at the end of the day i think we've drifted now into resignation.

Speaker 24 I think we're just waiting for it to stop so we can start pretending it never happened.

Speaker 11 Why doesn't she make it stop?

Speaker 37 She's the one who made it happen.

Speaker 24 June, come out of the bathroom.

Speaker 9 No way.

Speaker 37 Not with her out there.

Speaker 24 This isn't her fault, June. You're being ridiculous.

Speaker 16 You're being ridiculous.

Speaker 24 You can't just blame someone because they're new in town.

Speaker 7 No, I'm right, Frank.

Speaker 24 Nobody knows anything about anything. My dead father is arguing in the parking lot, June.

Speaker 11 She's right.

Speaker 15 She's right, Frank.

Speaker 15 It's me.

Speaker 2 I did it.

Speaker 24 Clementine, you're a strange person, but a bar of gold, Frank?

Speaker 15 I just had that on me.

Speaker 15 I brought beer from Tokyo and didn't know it was in Japan.

Speaker 15 I disappeared from the hospital.

Speaker 15 How did I disappear from the hospital?

Speaker 24 And these are all strange things.

Speaker 12 Fine.

Speaker 11 Here's another bar of gold.

Speaker 29 Is that not good enough?

Speaker 14 You want another one?

Speaker 15 Still not convinced?

Speaker 15 I can make my favorite song play out of thin air.

Speaker 29 How about that?

Speaker 9 Where is that coming from?

Speaker 18 I can do anything I want.

Speaker 15 Anything I want, except for the thing I want to do.

Speaker 38 It's terrible.

Speaker 24 Clementine, look, you may think.

Speaker 39 Jesus Christ, do you still not believe me?

Speaker 39 Fine.

Speaker 15 There's a chicken in the bathroom now.

Speaker 36 Oh, fuck shit.

Speaker 18 There's a fucking chicken in here. There's a fucking chicken.

Speaker 39 Now, how's that?

Speaker 15 Is that good enough?

Speaker 29 I think I broke Frank.

Speaker 11 Is this a living chicken? We just have a chicken now.

Speaker 21 Yes. Enjoy.

Speaker 9 Okay, I'm

Speaker 15 going to go outside and I'm going to put things right again.

Speaker 15 And then I'm going to go before I break something else

Speaker 15 or break everything.

Speaker 7 What are you going to do?

Speaker 34 Wait.

Speaker 15 I really am

Speaker 15 sorry, you two.

Speaker 15 Time is the substance I am made of. Time is a river that sweeps me along, but I am the river.
It is the tiger which destroys me, but I am the tiger. It is a fire which consumes me, but I am the fire.

Speaker 16 I will not, not in a million years, understand your obsession with starting over. I'm not obsessed.

Speaker 40 I will not, not in a million years, not understand your observation.

Speaker 13 I'm not obsessed.

Speaker 40 Oh my god.

Speaker 23 What the hell?

Speaker 24 Vermontine, this doesn't look like fixing things.

Speaker 15 That's not supposed to happen.

Speaker 31 None of this is supposed to happen.

Speaker 11 I don't understand. There's three of my aunt and uncle now.
There's not supposed to be any of them.

Speaker 15 Okay, uh, wait, wait, just wait. Um,

Speaker 15 let me try again.

Speaker 15 Time is the substance I'm made of. Time is a river that sweeps me along, but I am the river.

Speaker 15 It is a tiger which destroys me, but I am the tiger. It is a fire which consumes me, but I am the fire.

Speaker 16 I will not, not in a million years, understand.

Speaker 34 Oh, no, no, no.

Speaker 12 What?

Speaker 15 This isn't supposed to happen.

Speaker 39 This isn't supposed to happen.

Speaker 11 What exactly is happening?

Speaker 41 I don't know. I don't know what's happening.

Speaker 9 I can't control it.

Speaker 24 Lemonide, tell me what you're doing.

Speaker 42 I don't know what I'm doing.

Speaker 39 I don't understand any of this.

Speaker 41 It's gotten out of my control.

Speaker 27 I need to get help.

Speaker 25 What?

Speaker 42 From where? I. Um.

Speaker 15 I'm going to go. I'm going to go get help.

Speaker 29 Frank, listen.

Speaker 17 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 15 I thought I could control it. I thought I was in control.

Speaker 15 I'll be back, I promise.

Speaker 33 What?

Speaker 25 Oh,

Speaker 31 Jesus.

Speaker 27 What?

Speaker 24 She just vanished.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 24 Where the hell did she go?

Speaker 43 What's that sound?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 24 The fuck is that?

Speaker 7 Hey there, folks. You must be Frank and June.
Strange times. Am I right?

Speaker 24 Just give me one second.

Speaker 7 We'll be right with you.

Speaker 20 That was different.

Speaker 14 What the fuck is happening here?

Speaker 20 Whoa.

Speaker 44 No such thing as a time loop, huh?

Speaker 33 Lafe, where are we?

Speaker 7 New timeline. This isn't Clementine's.

Speaker 27 Ava?

Speaker 18 I'm thinking Effie.

Speaker 45 Gloria, even if I had feelings about what I'm saying, I wouldn't know what to say.

Speaker 2 They all appear to be the same person.

Speaker 14 Yes, I can see that, Zach.

Speaker 2 How are we to know which ones are the real ones?

Speaker 21 I think they're all the real ones. That's the problem.

Speaker 46 I miss the farm.

Speaker 21 Clementine, tell me exactly what happened.

Speaker 15 There was one car. It kept showing up.
That's Frank's mother and father in the car. His father passed away.
This is a scene from their past.

Speaker 21 And then how did it become sick's car?

Speaker 15 I tried to fix it. It usually works when I try to fix things.

Speaker 21 How did you try to fix it?

Speaker 15 There's this thing I say.

Speaker 15 I say it when I need to focus. What is it? Time is the substance I am made of.
Time is a river that sweeps me along, but I am the river. It is a tiger which destroys me, but I am the tiger.

Speaker 15 It is a fire which consumes consumes me, but I am the fire.

Speaker 21 Borges? What? Jorge Borges. He's a writer.
You were reciting Borges?

Speaker 15 I don't know who that is. It's something my mother taught me to recite when I was panicking.

Speaker 15 It seemed to work when I needed to focus on something.

Speaker 21 Well, guess what? It's not working.

Speaker 24 What is happening?

Speaker 7 Okay, it's a lot. Sure.

Speaker 9 Don't panic.

Speaker 7 First of all, let me say that I really love your motel. Very mid-century modern.

Speaker 20 Very lost highway.

Speaker 7 What is happening? Okay, let's just first paragraph of Wikipedia this, shall we? We're Midnight Burger, a time-traveling dimension-spanning diner.

Speaker 7 We've been trying to hunt down a mysterious red-headed woman who has been fucking up the cosmos.

Speaker 11 Sound familiar? Clementine? Yes.

Speaker 7 Turns out, when she was taking a break from destroying all of existence, she liked to hang out here. I mean, why wouldn't she? It's lovely.
Where are we? Washington? Oregon.

Speaker 21 Great.

Speaker 7 So, the problem is, Clementine eventually destabilizes everything around her, including this place.

Speaker 24 Destabilizes how?

Speaker 7 Well, you know how things have a tendency to

Speaker 11 exist? We are aware.

Speaker 7 She tends to make them stop doing that.

Speaker 11 You guys are going to stop that, though, right?

Speaker 14 Yes.

Speaker 24 How is a diner going to stop that?

Speaker 7 Well, we don't know yet, but we've got two very smart people, a 700-year-old man, two Baptist ministers, and a very competent restaurant manager.

Speaker 24 So the answer's got to be in there somewhere, right?

Speaker 11 What do you do?

Speaker 7 You know, I used to work at the DMV and now I'm just trying to figure it all out.

Speaker 15 You know, it's a process.

Speaker 7 Looks like the couples are all inside the rooms now.

Speaker 28 Hi there.

Speaker 7 Hey, this is Gloria. She runs the place.

Speaker 14 Nice to meet you. Welcome to the weirdest day of your life.

Speaker 27 I mean, I hope it is.

Speaker 14 It's a lot, sure, but I think you'll find that your capacity for weird shit is way higher than you think it is. What

Speaker 24 happens now?

Speaker 14 Well, we've got about a half-dozen temporal anomalies, don't we? Who are the two people in these cars? It's

Speaker 24 my mom and dad.

Speaker 14 And is this them in the present?

Speaker 24 No.

Speaker 24 No.

Speaker 24 My dad passed away. My mom lives in New Mexico now.

Speaker 14 Okay, so they definitely shouldn't be here, and there definitely shouldn't be six pairs of them, right?

Speaker 16 Wrecked.

Speaker 15 Clementine, you've got to stay away from me.

Speaker 34 How are you even here?

Speaker 8 It's a long story. What did I do to you?

Speaker 9 Did I.

Speaker 15 Did I make you American?

Speaker 9 Clementine, no, I don't.

Speaker 15 It's the pillars of salt all over again. You've got to stay away from me.

Speaker 9 Listen.

Speaker 30 I can't.

Speaker 15 Tarek, please. Okay.

Speaker 21 Let's not make this too complicated. If we get all the moms and dads inside the diner, that should solve the problem.
As long as we can keep them in there long enough.

Speaker 14 It seems like they can't even see us, though.

Speaker 37 We've got to make them see us.

Speaker 21 Also, the hard part is we can't just drag them in there. We've got to convince them to go into the diner.

Speaker 14 Why? Just trust me.

Speaker 29 Fine.

Speaker 14 So, mom and dad had some marital problems?

Speaker 25 Uh,

Speaker 24 I mean, they never split up, but they did fight a lot.

Speaker 11 My mom said she never understood their relationship.

Speaker 24 She did? Yeah.

Speaker 43 Did you?

Speaker 24 No, I guess not. Okay.

Speaker 14 We've got six rooms. Everybody take a room and try to convince them to have a cup of coffee at the diner that just appeared in the parking lot.

Speaker 7 Gloria, are you seriously asking this particular group of people to help them work out their marital problems?

Speaker 25 Yes.

Speaker 29 Show of hands.

Speaker 7 Who here feels comfortable being a marriage counselor?

Speaker 7 Well, both of our hands are up.

Speaker 14 Leif, we're never the right people for any situation we're in. We're just the only ones around.

Speaker 9 Fair point.

Speaker 21 Oh, I'm going to hate this.

Speaker 14 Everybody pick a room.

Speaker 13 Let's go.

Speaker 16 Gloria, I'll take a room.

Speaker 14 You should probably talk to Clementine.

Speaker 8 She ran off somewhere. I think maybe we should fix whatever problem this is first.

Speaker 14 Are you sure? It could get pretty weird in there.

Speaker 8 Because of the temporal anomalies?

Speaker 14 Because you have to help someone with their marriage.

Speaker 8 I have a degree in psychology. You do? I'm a 700-year-old scholar, Gloria.
I've got a degree in pretty much everything. Really? University of Copenhagen, 1932.

Speaker 14 1932.

Speaker 8 It's been a while, but I'm sure it'll come back to me.

Speaker 25 Okay.

Speaker 14 Uh, lobotomies are bad now. Great.
I'm updated. Get in there.

Speaker 7 Hey, I'm about to go help someone with their marriage.

Speaker 14 I know.

Speaker 7 Which should be the beginning of a joke. Yes.
But instead, it's a real thing that's happening.

Speaker 14 Casper, I'm about to get in there as well. And the word marriage makes me literally start packing a suitcase for no reason.

Speaker 7 This is gonna be ridiculous.

Speaker 21 I'm taking room seven.

Speaker 29 Come do this with me. What?

Speaker 21 Tarek's going to help, so we can double up.

Speaker 7 I'm not going to help your success rate in there.

Speaker 21 I know.

Speaker 21 But when it goes wrong, I can blame you. Okay.

Speaker 14 Frank, June, you can probably be a lot of help here because you actually knew them. I know you think you're going crazy, but we really need you to pick a room and try to make something happen.

Speaker 11 Uncle Pete died not too long ago now.

Speaker 25 It's

Speaker 39 a lot.

Speaker 14 Right. Um,

Speaker 14 well, here's something that I've learned in this completely nuts situation that I'm in.

Speaker 14 It's all happening.

Speaker 14 it's all happening right now

Speaker 14 the past the future they're all just pages in a book but the whole book is right in front of you

Speaker 14 there's an opportunity here because you've read the book which means you can go back to the beginning and see the story in a completely different way

Speaker 14 you get to talk to the past from the future.

Speaker 14 Maybe since you know the ending, you have something to say about the beginning.

Speaker 11 You're a restaurant manager.

Speaker 14 I prefer takiera, but that's fine.

Speaker 24 What if none of this works? Are we going to be stuck like this forever?

Speaker 14 I've never seen anything last forever, but how about we don't think about failure right now? Okay.

Speaker 11 Which room are we taking?

Speaker 24 Let's go with number one, I guess.

Speaker 16 This is ridiculous. We're just going around in circles again.

Speaker 7 I hear you, Peter.

Speaker 8 Let's try and start again.

Speaker 8 Stephanie, you mentioned wanting to move to a new town, and Peter, you have strong ties to this community. Can you both share your perspectives?

Speaker 17 I've been feeling the need for a fresh start. This is a small town.
A very small town. I can walk across the entire town in an afternoon.

Speaker 16 That's not true. The town is much bigger than you.

Speaker 9 Please, you'll have your turn.

Speaker 8 Let's hear from Stephanie right now.

Speaker 17 We're trying to raise kids. Kids need to be exposed to things.
There's only so many things they can be exposed to in a town that only exists because of an onslaught of skiers every winter.

Speaker 8 Peter, can you understand her position?

Speaker 16 Exposing them to things cuts both ways. There's a lot going on in bigger cities.
Maybe things we don't want to expose them to.

Speaker 22 That's what he does.

Speaker 17 Every time we talk about this, he imagines we're moving to some urban hellscape that he saw in a movie once.

Speaker 16 We saw Death Wish in the theater, and it was very disturbing.

Speaker 17 It wasn't a documentary, Peter.

Speaker 8 Peter, you seem to have deep roots in this community. Can you tell me about what these roots mean to you?

Speaker 16 I grew up here. My parents still live here, and I have built strong relationships here.
It...

Speaker 16 It feels like home. And leaving it behind feels like abandoning a part of myself.

Speaker 9 And Stephanie, I'm sure you couldn't understand that. Sorry.

Speaker 17 His parents living here is not the selling point he thinks that is.

Speaker 16 She just doesn't understand that because she doesn't get along with her parents.

Speaker 39 Or your parents, but who's counting? Okay.

Speaker 8 We're not gonna get anywhere by disqualifying each other's feelings.

Speaker 22 You're right.

Speaker 17 I'm sorry.

Speaker 8 This is good, though. I feel like we're moving in the right direction.

Speaker 2 Now,

Speaker 8 we need to try and look for some common ground, okay? Jesus Christ, you're as rigid as a fucking cadaver.

Speaker 18 Yikes.

Speaker 29 Glad we're not those two.

Speaker 16 I don't know who they are, but they sound like a mess. Oh, really? A cadaver? Well, that's a new one.

Speaker 17 There's no room to breathe with you.

Speaker 16 Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Which one of us isn't breathing?

Speaker 19 I thought I was the cadaver. That was a good one.

Speaker 17 Everything has to be a certain way, from the laundry to the lives of our kids.

Speaker 16 Well, I'm sorry that I don't want to spend our lives like it's unstructured me time at some sort of Dutch primary school.

Speaker 38 What? What do you mean?

Speaker 16 I have done everything I can to make us a life here. Nothing makes you happy.

Speaker 18 Who could be happy here, Peter?

Speaker 17 Who in their right mind? I'm happy here.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 10 Oh, got him. Nice.

Speaker 16 So, we've raised our children in a town that you think is full of idiots.

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 37 It's perfect for them because they're idiots too.

Speaker 41 Kids are dumb.

Speaker 19 Did my moms talk about me this way?

Speaker 21 I sure hope so.

Speaker 7 How come they're not noticing each other or noticing a huge diner in the parking lot?

Speaker 21 Well, the mind does some pretty crazy things to keep operating. I imagine they're tuning out a lot right now.

Speaker 7 They should tune each other out. They sound like they're about to kill each other.

Speaker 21 Let's get in there.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 34 Hey there.

Speaker 16 Excuse me, can I help you?

Speaker 7 Sorry, we were next door.

Speaker 21 We were next door, and we couldn't help but hear this shouting.

Speaker 18 Yeah, everything okay over here?

Speaker 17 Does it sound like it's okay?

Speaker 21 It sounds hilarious.

Speaker 7 It sounds like you're having some trouble.

Speaker 16 We're fine. All right, we just need some privacy.

Speaker 24 Hey, when I'm having troubles, sometimes I like to have a cup of coffee.

Speaker 20 A what?

Speaker 7 A nice cup of coffee. Nothing makes a wrong situation right, like a cup of coffee.

Speaker 18 You know what I mean?

Speaker 21 Are Are you doing a Senka app?

Speaker 38 Maybe.

Speaker 25 You should head over to that diner over there and have a cup of coffee.

Speaker 9 Diner.

Speaker 17 You're wasting your time. This man has no vices.

Speaker 17 He's like a Mormon without the magic underwear.

Speaker 16 Do you see what I have to put up with?

Speaker 19 Look, it looks like a lot.

Speaker 21 Getting obliterated by your wife is a full-time job. But...

Speaker 7 Every marriage has its challenges, right?

Speaker 21 Yet think how challenging it is for her to come up with sick burns all the time.

Speaker 43 What I'm saying is...

Speaker 26 look,

Speaker 7 you obviously care about each other very much, and it's confusing because she

Speaker 7 has an odd way of showing affection. I mean, you both do.

Speaker 7 You're both attacking each other.

Speaker 21 She's just better at it, and I'm sure that's rough for you.

Speaker 25 Are we helping?

Speaker 16 Are you having a little comedy festival over there? Both. It's difficult when this happens.
I feel like I'm trying to talk about the issue, and she's just trying to win some sort of contest.

Speaker 7 Well, I don't know if that's entirely fair, Pete, but I hear what you're saying. I mean, it's tough.
You obviously care about her very much, but also she appears to be covered in tiny poisonous barbs.

Speaker 18 Excuse me? Speaking metaphorically.

Speaker 7 Metaphorical poisonous barbs.

Speaker 17 That's not much better.

Speaker 7 And you get it, right?

Speaker 7 Some people cover themselves with a spiky personality to keep the shitheads away, but the spikes do not retract. That's not how tiny, poisonous barbs work.

Speaker 7 They're always there, which puts you in the position to just keep getting stung and develop an immunity to the poison spikes.

Speaker 17 Can we get away from the poison spikes analogy?

Speaker 7 Because you know you can't help yourself.

Speaker 7 You can't help, but reach out to her. You feel compelled to call that whatever you like.

Speaker 7 You come to get used to the fact that getting close to her involves a certain amount of injury to yourself. Uh-huh.

Speaker 21 And Stephanie, you're over there saying,

Speaker 17 really?

Speaker 33 Him?

Speaker 39 This is the guy?

Speaker 21 Because you had already imagined the guy who would keep coming back. And you imagined he would be, I don't know, better.

Speaker 21 You've created this person in your mind, and they're this great combination of the genius of Murray Curie and the unbridled hotness of Michael Faraday.

Speaker 34 What?

Speaker 21 But he does keep coming back. And you admire that a little, and then you also hate him because you admire it.

Speaker 21 And then there's this other terrible moment when you realize that, you know, it's nice to be wanted. And you also hate that.

Speaker 21 Which makes you even more mad. And it's made even worse by the fact that he sucks.
And he has fucked up so many times, especially that one time. You know the time I'm talking about.

Speaker 37 I don't.

Speaker 7 And you've apologized, Pete.

Speaker 43 You really have.

Speaker 7 You've tried to make up for that one time when you fucked up really bad, but, you know.

Speaker 7 That doesn't matter because apologizing doesn't mean that your apology has been accepted. It doesn't mean that she's under any obligation to accept your apology.

Speaker 7 All you can really do is apologize and hope for the best and try to do better, right? That's how you feel.

Speaker 2 I'm not sure.

Speaker 21 You spend a lot of time studying the universe, Stephanie. I don't.
And in your studies, you have come to terms with chaos. You can't control what the universe brings you.

Speaker 17 You're an island.

Speaker 21 All you have at your disposal are the trees and tiny creatures that live on your island and whatever the ocean washes up on your shore.

Speaker 21 What washes up on the shore is mostly garbage, but sometimes it's useful and sometimes it's something you didn't know you needed.

Speaker 17 And I'm not sure if I need this.

Speaker 16 Are you sure you're talking about about us?

Speaker 25 Absolutely talking about us.

Speaker 21 Definitely.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 24 You said there was coffee across the way?

Speaker 40 Yes.

Speaker 17 Go have some.

Speaker 21 It's great.

Speaker 37 Coffee.

Speaker 17 Maybe they'll be gone when we get back. Good idea.

Speaker 17 Okay, well, nice to meet you.

Speaker 35 You too.

Speaker 9 I feel like we nailed it.

Speaker 21 God, it must be so hard to be disconnected from reality like that.

Speaker 7 Tell me about it. It looks terrible.

Speaker 16 I have tried everything at this point. Yes.

Speaker 17 Everything except one thing. Are you giving up yet?

Speaker 16 I don't appreciate how callous you're being about this.

Speaker 17 I'm at my wits in, Pete.

Speaker 16 What is this now?

Speaker 16 Yes. Hey there.

Speaker 7 Can I help you? Sorry to disturb you. I'm uh

Speaker 7 I'm with the motel staff, and we've been getting some complaints about the noise.

Speaker 16 You're with the motel staff. Yes.
I'm the owner of this motel.

Speaker 16 I'm sorry? I own this place.

Speaker 7 You do? Yes.

Speaker 9 Huh.

Speaker 18 Okay.

Speaker 43 Well,

Speaker 7 I just started. The manager must not have told you.

Speaker 16 I am also the manager of this motel.

Speaker 28 Huh. What is happening?

Speaker 7 I was next door, and I was hearing a lot of yelling, and I thought I would say something before somebody complained.

Speaker 40 Complained. Yeah.

Speaker 16 Complained to who?

Speaker 26 The

Speaker 7 manager.

Speaker 16 Which is who again?

Speaker 16 You. I'm trying to have a conversation with my wife.

Speaker 20 Okay.

Speaker 7 Well, manager or not, that's not a conversation.

Speaker 31 That's a shouting match.

Speaker 16 Oh, honey, the conversation police are here.

Speaker 17 I'll hide the contraband.

Speaker 7 I'm not trying to be the cops. I'm just trying to be a neighbor.

Speaker 16 Well, howdy, neighbor. How about I head over to your room and tell you how you should be living your life?

Speaker 7 Come on, man.

Speaker 7 I'm just letting you know what it sounds like from my perspective.

Speaker 16 Thanks for letting us know.

Speaker 17 The opinion of some random guy next door really means a lot to us.

Speaker 28 For fuck's sake.

Speaker 20 Are you going door to door or?

Speaker 17 How do we rank compared to the other rooms?

Speaker 7 You'd be surprised how similar it is.

Speaker 22 Okay.

Speaker 17 Well, thanks for stopping by. This was fun.

Speaker 16 Closing the door now.

Speaker 20 Wait a minute. Wait.

Speaker 7 Hey, hey. Do you guys want to grab a cup of coffee? Do we what?

Speaker 20 A cup of coffee?

Speaker 23 Who are you? I'm Lafe.

Speaker 7 I'm your neighbor. I'm trying to be neighborly.

Speaker 17 Did we just move into a 1950s housing project?

Speaker 37 Are you gonna bring us a catheter?

Speaker 20 Jesus Christ, this sucks.

Speaker 16 Does suck. Maybe consider that next time you decide to knock on a stranger's door and elbow your way into their life.

Speaker 17 Nobody's named Laif anymore. Were your parents Scandinavian cheesemakers?

Speaker 6 This is your last chance.

Speaker 7 Do you want a cup of coffee?

Speaker 16 Well, fuck, honey, it's our last chance for a cup of coffee.

Speaker 17 Forever?

Speaker 17 There's no more coffee after this?

Speaker 26 Apparently.

Speaker 7 Okay, fine.

Speaker 43 You both suck.

Speaker 7 Uh, could you hold this for me, please?

Speaker 16 What is it?

Speaker 22 Welcome back to Not Too Late.

Speaker 9 I'm Dr. Barbara.

Speaker 22 Frank, it is summer time out there.

Speaker 25 It's really heating up.

Speaker 22 Do you have any tips for beating the heat? What's your secret weapon?

Speaker 7 You know, this time of year, I like to make sun tea.

Speaker 13 Ooh, that sounds nice.

Speaker 7 I make a nice pitcher of sun tea all morning.

Speaker 28 And then it keeps us all nice and cool for the rest of the day.

Speaker 22 I love it, Frank. I love it so much.

Speaker 20 Well, how about you?

Speaker 22 Well, you know.

Speaker 22 I don't do air conditioning.

Speaker 19 Oh, that's right.

Speaker 2 Because of your pores.

Speaker 22 Because of what it does to my pores. So what I like to do is early in the morning after I do my Ashtanga vinyasa, I open up all the doors and windows in my house and I let the morning air in

Speaker 15 and I release.

Speaker 22 I release all that stale air that I've been breathing all night. It's wonderful.
I breathe in the air and I can smell the mesquite groves all around the house.

Speaker 44 It's really a gift.

Speaker 7 It sounds nice, Doc.

Speaker 22 But speaking of the heat, let's not keep people heating up by the phone. Let's get to it.
All right.

Speaker 7 Now, I had Pete and Stephanie on the line with marital troubles, but we got disconnected.

Speaker 44 Let me see if I can get them back.

Speaker 22 Let's track them down.

Speaker 22 Yes, hello? Pete, how are you? You're on with Dr. Barbara.
I'm what?

Speaker 12 W with who?

Speaker 22 Pete, I hear that you and your wife are going through a bit of a time right now. Is that safe to say? What?

Speaker 22 Who is this? You know, Pete, there's nothing more complicated than a marriage. Nothing in the world.
You can talk to me about the human nervous system or weather patterns or particle physics, but no.

Speaker 22 It's two people trying to make a lifelong commitment to each other. That's the final frontier, if you ask me.

Speaker 46 I don't believe I am asking you.

Speaker 26 Pete,

Speaker 9 I'm going to perform a little test.

Speaker 22 I'm going to ask you what the root problem is with your marriage, and you're going to try and answer. Are you ready?

Speaker 42 Who are you talking to?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 25 Apparently, I'm on the radio. Why?

Speaker 22 How would I know? Is that your wife, Pete? She can help with the test if you like. What test?

Speaker 48 What is she talking about?

Speaker 46 She's asking me what the root problem is with our marriage.

Speaker 46 Well,

Speaker 49 that's some fun serendipity, isn't it?

Speaker 37 What'd you say?

Speaker 46 I haven't said anything yet. I just picked up the phone.
What's your answer? I'm not going to answer a question.

Speaker 47 No, go ahead.

Speaker 49 I'd like to hear this.

Speaker 9 What's her name? It's Dr.

Speaker 22 Barbara, Stephanie.

Speaker 48 Dr. Barbara, perfect.
Come on, Pete.

Speaker 46 Let it rip. I will not let it rip.

Speaker 22 Stephanie, would you like to go first?

Speaker 49 Absolutely not. I want to hear this.

Speaker 20 I'm sorry.

Speaker 22 Well, then.

Speaker 20 You heard me.

Speaker 22 Did you hear what he said, Frank?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I heard him.

Speaker 44 He said restlessness.

Speaker 23 That's so

Speaker 22 interesting, isn't it, Frank?

Speaker 20 Yeah, I know I'm interested.

Speaker 22 Tell us more about that word you chose, Pete. Restlessness.

Speaker 46 We have a good life here. It may be a small life.
It may be in a small town on the side of a large mountain, but

Speaker 46 it's a good life.

Speaker 46 Good lives are hard to come by, and I think we should be grateful for the one we have rather than leaving it because we think another one might be better.

Speaker 22 And Stephanie, do you have anything to say to that?

Speaker 49 I think a good life is subjective. I think what's good for one person is not necessarily good for another.
He's talking about it like this objective truth that I just don't understand.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 22 Do you see what I mean about the complexity, Frank?

Speaker 7 I've got a headache just thinking about it.

Speaker 22 Every human being is a story, kids.

Speaker 47 Frank, do you remember our first show together?

Speaker 19 I sure do, Doc.

Speaker 43 You stopped the whole show and said, Frank, what's your story?

Speaker 34 That's right.

Speaker 20 Somehow, it ended with me giving the audience my chili recipe.

Speaker 22 Oh, I remember that chili.

Speaker 47 So spicy.

Speaker 48 What's happening?

Speaker 46 They're talking about chili now.

Speaker 22 Kids, I think the most important thing to remember right now is that all of this fighting is good.

Speaker 22 Conflict is just a relationship trying to grow. And the longer you talk, the greater the chance of the other person making sense.
Everybody makes sense if you listen long enough.

Speaker 49 We can't seem to do that without it turning into a shouting match.

Speaker 22 I see. Frank?

Speaker 22 What do I have to say about that?

Speaker 43 Time to take it on the road.

Speaker 22 That's right, Frank. Take this conversation to a public place.
Maybe go have a cup of coffee. It'll be harder to scream at each other if you're worried about your server calling the police.

Speaker 49 That's actually not a bad idea.

Speaker 46 It's completely unsolicited advice, but it's not a bad advice.

Speaker 20 Good.

Speaker 22 I'm excited, you two. I'm excited what this next phase will bring, and I know Frank's excited too.
I'm excited. Good luck, kids.
Frank, we are on a roll. Let's take another call.

Speaker 4 Treat your crew with Starbucks cards for National Coffee Day. Send up to 10 e-gifts in one transaction from the Starbucks app or online at starbucks.com/slash gift.

Speaker 4 Or if you have a larger group or team to celebrate with, you can send physical or digital cards in bulk directly from Starbucks at starbuckscardb2b.com.

Speaker 4 No matter how you like to connect over over coffee, Starbucks cards have got you covered.

Speaker 3 This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. When life gets complicated, who do you turn to? Your group chat? Random internet strangers?

Speaker 3 While venting can help, there's a real difference between that and talking with a licensed, clinically trained therapist who can guide you through life's challenges.

Speaker 3 BetterHelp has been helping people find their perfect therapist match for over 10 years. Their simple questionnaire connects you with one of over 30,000 licensed therapists.

Speaker 3 And if it's not the right fit, you can switch anytime at no extra cost. Find the one with BetterHelp.
Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash burger.

Speaker 3 That's better H-E-L-P dot com slash burger.

Speaker 51 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

Speaker 52 Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game?

Speaker 51 Well, with the name Your Price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it at progressive.com.

Speaker 51 Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law.
Not available in all states.

Speaker 14 Okay, head on inside, you two. We'll get you some coffee, okay?

Speaker 37 Leave! What? What the fuck?

Speaker 7 What? They're unconscious. I had to give them the secret handshake.

Speaker 14 God damn it, the what?

Speaker 28 It's an old trick.

Speaker 7 99 times out of 100 if you toss something to somebody they'll try and catch it it's a steel ball that shocks you when you catch it aka

Speaker 7 the secret handshake life

Speaker 14 ava told us we have to convince them to come in well sorry

Speaker 7 i tried to get in there and

Speaker 7 they both reminded me too much of my dad The secret handshake was my only hope.

Speaker 14 You can make a force field around the diner, but you can't sit through a marital dispute.

Speaker 11 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 Oh, the irony. I got them, didn't I? Don't tell Ava.

Speaker 21 Don't tell Ava what, Leaf?

Speaker 18 God damn it.

Speaker 7 Leaf, what the fuck, man?

Speaker 20 That's cheating. Leaf, what on God's green earth are you doing?

Speaker 46 Perhaps he sung them to sleep.

Speaker 7 I don't understand.

Speaker 7 Why can't we just drag them in here?

Speaker 21 I don't need to explain my instructions to you.

Speaker 7 Leaf, you can't just treat people like cargo.

Speaker 43 You're not Southwest Airlines.

Speaker 9 Whatever.

Speaker 7 They're in the parking lot. That's good enough.

Speaker 7 Is it, though?

Speaker 20 We managed to round ours up without even going in the room, didn't we, dear? I'm calling it a personal best myself.

Speaker 49 Far and above Mr.

Speaker 20 Drop him off in the parking lot over here.

Speaker 40 How did Tarek do?

Speaker 14 Tarek was the first one in. That guy's a machine.

Speaker 21 Well, look at that. First day at the diner, and he's already pulling his weight.
How does that feel, Lee?

Speaker 7 So we're just forgetting when I saved our asses a couple of days ago.

Speaker 21 You know what Janet Jackson would say.

Speaker 14 What have you done for me lately?

Speaker 7 You're all terribly ungrateful.

Speaker 7 And I regret saving any of you. Are you talking to us or your baseball car collection?

Speaker 10 Is that everybody? No.

Speaker 14 Frank and June are still waiting outside the room. I'm going to give them a hand.

Speaker 7 I'm going to go coffee the anomalies.

Speaker 14 Hey, you two.

Speaker 14 How are you doing?

Speaker 33 Uh, Frank, how are we doing?

Speaker 24 I don't even know how to answer that question. Yeah.

Speaker 14 Just to give you an update, it's going well. We've got everyone in the diner except for yours.

Speaker 25 Ours?

Speaker 11 Yeah. It's my Uncle Pete and Aunt Stephanie and his mom and dad.
They're kind of all ours.

Speaker 25 I hear you.

Speaker 24 I can't go in that room. I can't do any of this.

Speaker 10 What are we even doing?

Speaker 14 I know, but trust me, this is going to work.

Speaker 4 What's going to work?

Speaker 14 We're just trying to make things like they were.

Speaker 24 You're asking me to go in there and talk to someone who died.

Speaker 14 I know.

Speaker 11 I mean, the weirdest thing that's ever happened to us is when we saw a UFO one time. Uh-huh.
So, this is a few notches up for us. I see.

Speaker 11 And that was just a yellow triangle hovering over the town for a few minutes. I don't even know what it was.

Speaker 7 Just a farian mapping drone.

Speaker 43 You see them all the time.

Speaker 25 Lafe.

Speaker 10 Sorry.

Speaker 18 Look.

Speaker 14 I've been exactly where you are right now.

Speaker 14 I was down on my luck in Phoenix, and then I stepped through those doors over there.

Speaker 14 And that was that.

Speaker 14 Here I am now.

Speaker 14 I've stood in that parking lot and stared down a black hole.

Speaker 11 I met space pirates.

Speaker 14 I went back to the end of the ice age.

Speaker 14 I think what kept my brain from breaking is

Speaker 14 what's the real thing?

Speaker 14 What's the real thing that's happening?

Speaker 14 There's a lot going on right now. A diner's appeared in your parking lot, but what's the real thing?

Speaker 14 Maybe the real thing is

Speaker 14 you going in there and saying some things to your dad that you didn't get to say.

Speaker 24 I don't think that's my dad in there.

Speaker 14 And that's fine too, Frank.

Speaker 14 Because it's not actually about him.

Speaker 14 This is for you.

Speaker 14 Give it a shot.

Speaker 9 Fuck it, Frank.

Speaker 11 Let's get in there. Fine.

Speaker 40 Okay.

Speaker 16 We've been through the options a million times. Charleston, Boston, Madison, Santa Fe, Austin, two times.

Speaker 17 You're just listing the names of cities now. This isn't helpful.
You're right.

Speaker 16 None of this has been helpful.

Speaker 24 Okay, can you two just stop, please?

Speaker 10 Who are you?

Speaker 17 Please, come on in. Don't bother, Nussy.

Speaker 24 We can hear you arguing across the parking lot.

Speaker 17 Which isn't an invitation for you to come on in.

Speaker 16 Can you give us some privacy, please, whoever you are?

Speaker 24 I came in here to say that this is ridiculous, and both of you need to just knock it off, okay?

Speaker 17 This is none of your business.

Speaker 24 You two do this all the time. Why?

Speaker 24 What are you doing? Do you even know what you're doing?

Speaker 16 Again, trying to have a private conversation.

Speaker 24 It's not working.

Speaker 24 I stay here at this motel a lot.

Speaker 24 And you two

Speaker 24 always show up, go into a room and scream at each other for hours.

Speaker 31 Just stop it.

Speaker 16 I think how we choose to spend our time is none of your business.

Speaker 34 You're stuck with each other, okay?

Speaker 24 You come here and you argue all night long about the same thing, moving out of town or not. But it's not about that, is it? It never was.

Speaker 24 It's about getting a divorce.

Speaker 17 That's not true.

Speaker 11 Yes, it is, you guys.

Speaker 29 How do you know?

Speaker 11 Because everybody knows. We live here in town.

Speaker 22 Everybody knows.

Speaker 11 Especially your kids.

Speaker 24 Especially your kids.

Speaker 11 Did the two of you know that there's a running bet down at the sheep's eye?

Speaker 11 The Pete and Stephanie divorce pool?

Speaker 37 Like that, that's the official name.

Speaker 11 There's an envelope in the cash register that says Sturgis' divorce on it. Minimum bet is $20.

Speaker 23 They've been collecting for years.

Speaker 36 Who keeps joking about it?

Speaker 13 Celeste.

Speaker 29 Celeste.

Speaker 11 Celeste Yost

Speaker 11 keeps saying she's going to retire as soon as her Sturgis divorce money comes in.

Speaker 11 She's in deep, actually.

Speaker 15 We're a little worried about her.

Speaker 33 Is this true?

Speaker 31 Yes.

Speaker 24 It's true and it's ridiculous. Do you want to know why? Because you're never going to break up.

Speaker 16 How do you know anything about all of us?

Speaker 24 Guys, when you break into several arguments several times a month at various public places all around town,

Speaker 24 everyone is going to know everything about you. Your marriage is a spectator sport.

Speaker 11 But not like a baseball game where you don't know who's going to win. More like pro wrestling.
It's loud and it's entertaining, but it's very obviously fake.

Speaker 24 Because you were never going to break up.

Speaker 29 Do they really talk about us like that?

Speaker 16 How do you know any of this?

Speaker 24 There are billions of people in the world, Pete. So many fish in the sea.

Speaker 24 But I swear to God, no matter how many people are out there, the only one out there for you two weirdos is each other.

Speaker 24 There is literally no one else on God's green earth that will put up with your weird bullshit.

Speaker 33 We don't have weird bullshit.

Speaker 11 Stephanie, are you banned from shopping at Fredmeyer?

Speaker 9 Yes. Why?

Speaker 17 Because they were incorporating the weight of their packing material into the price of their meat and seafood, which is illegal.

Speaker 11 And that got you banned from all their locations. Why?

Speaker 17 Because I filed a complaint with their head office.

Speaker 18 Uh-huh. Keep going.

Speaker 17 And they ignored me.

Speaker 11 We're almost there.

Speaker 17 So I... So I started stealing salmon from the meat section.

Speaker 34 There we go.

Speaker 33 Super normal reaction.

Speaker 17 They were stealing from us. I can't steal from them.

Speaker 11 Well, obviously not, because they had you arrested.

Speaker 24 And Pete, what was it like to get that call?

Speaker 24 I'm sorry. You've arrested my wife for what?

Speaker 11 Who was in the holding cell with you? Some grizzly bears?

Speaker 17 I'll have you know that the state attorney general eventually investigated them and they got fined a million dollars.

Speaker 11 What's it like to be married to the Rosa Parks of Lion Caught Salmon, P?

Speaker 17 Everybody laugh at the fish thief.

Speaker 39 Fine.

Speaker 17 What's the point you're trying to make?

Speaker 24 The point is, you two didn't fight about that. He had to bail you out of jail for the most ridiculous crime in the history of the state of Oregon, and you didn't fight about it.

Speaker 16 Of course, we didn't.

Speaker 25 She was right. I was right.

Speaker 20 See?

Speaker 24 And do you think that's a typical response? It's not.

Speaker 24 You are the only person who would steal fish from a grocery store as some sort of ridiculous social protest, and he is the only guy who wouldn't get mad about it.

Speaker 35 Okay, let's do Pete now.

Speaker 34 Pete.

Speaker 16 Pete, Pete, Pete.

Speaker 24 We should probably talk about...

Speaker 12 Boodles.

Speaker 11 Oh my god, I forgot about Boodles.

Speaker 24 You adopted a dog named Boodles, didn't you, Pete?

Speaker 16 Yes, I adopted a dog named

Speaker 2 Boodles.

Speaker 24 Big fan of dogs, Pete?

Speaker 16 I've never really been a pet person.

Speaker 11 Stephanie, how do you feel about dogs?

Speaker 17 I'm not really a fan.

Speaker 31 And yet, Pete came home with a dog.

Speaker 17 Yes. What gives, Pete?

Speaker 16 He was

Speaker 16 going to be euthanized. He had stayed at the shelter too long.

Speaker 24 I see.

Speaker 24 It's very noble.

Speaker 24 Can you think of any reason why Boodles had been at the shelter too long?

Speaker 12 Well,

Speaker 2 there was a

Speaker 40 smell.

Speaker 24 There was a

Speaker 31 smell.

Speaker 17 Saying that dog had a smell is like saying the Beatles were fairly well known.

Speaker 18 You gave him a bath five times, Pete.

Speaker 10 I did.

Speaker 24 And did it work?

Speaker 16 It did not.

Speaker 24 Now,

Speaker 24 Boodles was a very old dog, but he did hang in there for three years, didn't he?

Speaker 34 All the while, stinking up the whole house.

Speaker 11 It was the kind of smell that felt like a punishment from God

Speaker 25 or

Speaker 11 a fairy's curse or something.

Speaker 11 It was not a natural smell.

Speaker 40 It was bad. It was.

Speaker 24 It was bad. You had to keep the windows in the house open in the wintertime.

Speaker 40 Not all of the windows.

Speaker 36 It was a tough time in the house.

Speaker 25 It was.

Speaker 24 And through it all, you never argued about the dog.

Speaker 40 Huh.

Speaker 40 No.

Speaker 17 No.

Speaker 24 In conclusion, the point I'm trying to make here is:

Speaker 31 can you knock it off?

Speaker 24 Please, can you stop it with the arguing all the time? All you're doing is playing around with the idea that you're going to break up,

Speaker 24 but you're never going to.

Speaker 24 Because you both drive each other crazy, but on the important stuff, on the salmon stealing and the stinky old dog stuff. That's the stuff you couldn't find somewhere else.

Speaker 24 So

Speaker 34 stop it.

Speaker 11 What we should probably also say is

Speaker 11 people really love you guys.

Speaker 11 They love to gossip about you, but I don't think they would know what to do without you.

Speaker 40 Guys,

Speaker 26 go home.

Speaker 24 You don't have to do this anymore.

Speaker 2 Go home.

Speaker 24 Your kids already know you're here fighting. Go fight in front of them.

Speaker 24 They already know you're not breaking up, and they might appreciate the honesty.

Speaker 16 You talk to your parents this way?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 24 But I should have

Speaker 2 go home.

Speaker 18 I mean,

Speaker 13 don't go home.

Speaker 24 Do not

Speaker 16 go home.

Speaker 34 Go over there

Speaker 24 and have a cup of coffee coffee at that diner.

Speaker 40 At the what?

Speaker 11 Don't worry about it. Here we go.

Speaker 22 Not a bad spot to hide.

Speaker 15 What are you doing here?

Speaker 9 How did they find you?

Speaker 8 I'm not sure how they found me.

Speaker 8 I'm not sure they know either.

Speaker 9 Why are you talking like that?

Speaker 8 They found me after I'd left Jerusalem.

Speaker 15 That doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 37 What did I do to you?

Speaker 8 I don't think we should talk about that right now.

Speaker 20 Tarek.

Speaker 8 They found me after I left Jerusalem

Speaker 7 about 700 years after I left Jerusalem.

Speaker 31 Their theory is

Speaker 8 that morning when we were in bed, I told you about the Elixir of Life,

Speaker 8 and that's what did it.

Speaker 8 Time stopped for me, Clementine. Oh, God.
Maybe there was a better way to tell you that. I'm not sure.

Speaker 15 You've been here the whole time. Yes.
You've been watching me destroy the world the whole time.

Speaker 8 I didn't know it was you,

Speaker 8 but yes.

Speaker 14 Okay, that's the last of them.

Speaker 7 Let's bag them and tag them.

Speaker 14 Don't say bag them and tag them.

Speaker 15 They picked you up because they thought you could convince me to stop.

Speaker 8 They picked me up because they thought you were about to wave the white flag and would like to see a friendly face. Tarek,

Speaker 15 do you understand how seeing your face right now has only made it a thousand times worse?

Speaker 8 I saw it cross my mind.

Speaker 21 I destroyed my planet, Tarek.

Speaker 39 Our planet. I know.

Speaker 25 Tarek.

Speaker 27 I didn't mean it.

Speaker 2 I didn't mean to.

Speaker 27 I know that too.

Speaker 42 And now you have to be here to see it.

Speaker 41 You have to see what I turned into.

Speaker 37 Do you think I wanted you to see me turn into a monster?

Speaker 42 Why would I want that?

Speaker 9 Clementine, call me.

Speaker 42 I didn't mean it, Tarek. I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean it.

Speaker 25 I destroy everything I touch.

Speaker 3 Clementine.

Speaker 16 I will not, not in a million years.

Speaker 2 Under the mouth, I will not.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's so hard, Leon.

Speaker 33 Ava?

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 14 What's happening?

Speaker 21 How many are there?

Speaker 24 Count at least 20. They're backed up all the way to the main highway now.

Speaker 45 Ava, I don't think I've got to tell you. I have a bad feeling about this.

Speaker 2 It's as though a dam has broken, but it spilled out automobiles instead of water.

Speaker 7 I thought you were going to fix this.

Speaker 11 This is not what fixed looks like.

Speaker 21 Casper, go down to the entrance from the highway and see how many cars are there.

Speaker 42 Okay.

Speaker 21 It's an appreciating anomaly.

Speaker 25 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 29 What does that mean?

Speaker 21 It's replicating itself like a virus.

Speaker 14 How fast is it replicating?

Speaker 7 The entire highway is jammed with the same car. It stretches all the way around the mountain.

Speaker 37 That was fast.

Speaker 14 We can't get all of them in the diner.

Speaker 21 No, we can't.

Speaker 27 What the hell happened?

Speaker 21 Where is she? Clementine?

Speaker 21 What happened?

Speaker 24 She got upset, and then all of a sudden we're standing in a car, delicious.

Speaker 14 Shit, that's the opposite of what we wanted to do, Tarek.

Speaker 7 We should get Clementine in here. Eventually, the diner will sap her powers.

Speaker 22 That's a good idea.

Speaker 21 No, it's not.

Speaker 27 Why?

Speaker 21 We may be able to fix her, but that won't fix the anomaly.

Speaker 14 Won't it just go away?

Speaker 25 No, it'll continue. For how long?

Speaker 21 Indefinitely.

Speaker 21 Pete and Stephanie and their shitty car is going to keep replicating itself over and over again.

Speaker 21 The cars will eventually fill up the entire freeway, then the entire state, then the country, then the world.

Speaker 21 Gloria, given a long enough timeline, this entire universe we're in will be filled with copy after copy of Pete and Stephanie's Hyundai Sonata.

Speaker 14 That's impossible.

Speaker 21 Not anymore.

Speaker 18 Well, what the fuck are we supposed to do?

Speaker 2 My friends, I fear all that's left to do is to solve the problem at its source.

Speaker 21 I just said that's not going to work.

Speaker 45 Perhaps the problem is not for us to fix, Ava, but for somebody to start cleaning up their own messes.

Speaker 38 Okay.

Speaker 21 Okay, I have an idea. Great.
It's an idea that will either work perfectly or

Speaker 21 erase all of existence, including us.

Speaker 14 Fantastic.

Speaker 2 There's not a third option?

Speaker 21 Nothing. Tarek? Yeah.
Is she up there? Yeah. Keep her there.
I'm coming to you.

Speaker 14 What are you going to do?

Speaker 21 The way I see it, Clementine is like heavy artillery. She just needs someone who knows how to aim her.

Speaker 21 Casper,

Speaker 21 if I don't come back,

Speaker 21 just remember,

Speaker 21 I hate you.

Speaker 12 I know.

Speaker 14 All of existence, huh?

Speaker 7 I mean, really, were we doing that great of a job with existence, anyway? An old shake of the etch a sketch never hurt anybody.

Speaker 14 Do we get to pick what we come back as?

Speaker 7 If so, it's 16th century boat right for me.

Speaker 11 Chocolate tear.

Speaker 11 Let's be vendors. Winemakers.
I want to get in one of those barrels with the bare feet and smash creaks. Well, that's very fancy.

Speaker 2 I could grow a mustache.

Speaker 46 No.

Speaker 15 Time is the substance I'm made of. Time is a river that sweeps me along, but I am the river.
It is a tiger which destroys me, but I am the tiger. It is a fire which consumes me, but I am the fire.

Speaker 15 Time is the substance I am made of.

Speaker 21 Time is a river. How is she doing?

Speaker 8 She's repeating this over and over again. again.

Speaker 9 Tarek,

Speaker 21 I'm getting the sense that seeing you again was not the instant solution we were hoping it would be.

Speaker 16 I probably could have told you that.

Speaker 8 What's happening down there?

Speaker 21 The universe is filling up with cars.

Speaker 52 Cars.

Speaker 21 And to make it worse, it's all Hyundai Sonatas.

Speaker 21 Not even a cool car.

Speaker 7 The entire universe.

Speaker 9 I know.

Speaker 21 Here you were thinking, I'm 700 years old. I've seen it all.

Speaker 21 Guess what?

Speaker 7 Can you do something to fix this, please?

Speaker 9 Yes.

Speaker 21 Although what I do may actually obliterate us all. So, you know.

Speaker 21 Apologies in advance.

Speaker 25 What?

Speaker 21 Clementine?

Speaker 38 Hey,

Speaker 38 Clementine.

Speaker 15 Clementine. Hey, don't yell at me.

Speaker 29 Something bad might happen.

Speaker 21 It might happen? Seriously? Please make it stop.

Speaker 21 Okay, Clementine,

Speaker 21 I have to say I have enjoyed our time together a little bit. I like breaking things and you are really good at breaking things.
But you're starting to really fuck with the universes, lady.

Speaker 21 And that's a problem. Because these aren't your universes, Clementine.

Speaker 21 They're mine.

Speaker 21 These are my universes and you are fucking them up and I don't like it when people mess with my shit.

Speaker 39 Make it stop.

Speaker 38 Okay?

Speaker 21 Okay, try and stay calm.

Speaker 21 This is gonna get weird.

Speaker 22 Just

Speaker 21 close your eyes

Speaker 21 and don't open them until I tell you to, okay?

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 21 Imagine there is a piece of paper in front of you,

Speaker 21 and let's make it a really nice piece of paper.

Speaker 21 I'm talking Japanese calligraphy-level quality,

Speaker 21 the kind of paper that's so beautiful you almost don't want to write on it.

Speaker 21 One person spent hours mulching wood and drying it on a screen so that you could be presented with this beautiful blank sheet.

Speaker 21 Do you see it?

Speaker 29 Yes.

Speaker 38 Now

Speaker 21 everything

Speaker 21 else is going to fade away.

Speaker 21 Every sound you hear is going to fade into the background until it's completely gone.

Speaker 50 Where did everything go?

Speaker 21 Don't open your eyes.

Speaker 50 Where is it?

Speaker 21 The only thing that exists now is you and me

Speaker 21 and the sheet of paper in front of you.

Speaker 50 Why is it all gone?

Speaker 21 Because we're starting from scratch.

Speaker 21 You have an inkbrush in your hand. Do you see it?

Speaker 50 Yes.

Speaker 50 Yes.

Speaker 21 It's wet with ink.

Speaker 21 Just reach out with the brush and make one single dot on the paper.

Speaker 21 Do you see the dot on the paper?

Speaker 50 Yes.

Speaker 21 That dot is a universe.

Speaker 21 At its very beginning.

Speaker 15 Unformed.

Speaker 21 Everything that could ever be is in that one dot.

Speaker 21 Do you see it?

Speaker 50 Yes.

Speaker 21 Now reach out to the piece of paper, and with your thumb,

Speaker 21 I want you to smudge the ink.

Speaker 21 Just smear it across the page.

Speaker 50 Okay.

Speaker 21 Did you smear the ink across the page?

Speaker 30 Yes.

Speaker 38 Good.

Speaker 21 Your universe now has two dimensions.

Speaker 21 Can you feel it growing?

Speaker 50 Yes.

Speaker 21 We don't need the paper anymore, do we?

Speaker 7 No.

Speaker 7 No.

Speaker 21 I want you to imagine the paper disappearing.

Speaker 21 But when it disappears, the ink spot stays.

Speaker 21 That trail of ink you made on the paper, your universe, is now floating in front of you. Do you see it?

Speaker 50 I see it.

Speaker 9 Now,

Speaker 21 with each hand, just your first finger and thumb, I want you to pull the ink spot apart like it's silly putty.

Speaker 21 Just keep pulling and expanding it until it's the size of an egg.

Speaker 50 Okay.

Speaker 21 Do you see it?

Speaker 50 Yes.

Speaker 21 You just created a third dimension.

Speaker 50 There's so much inside it.

Speaker 50 I know.

Speaker 50 It's beautiful.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 38 But

Speaker 21 we're not done.

Speaker 21 A new universe floats in front of you like a cluster of cottonwood seeds.

Speaker 21 Just reach out with both hands and cradle it in your palms.

Speaker 21 Everything that exists is in your hands.

Speaker 21 Now,

Speaker 27 very gently

Speaker 21 move the universe from the left side of your vision to your right

Speaker 21 and then slowly bring it back again.

Speaker 21 Did you do it?

Speaker 50 Yes.

Speaker 21 You just created time.

Speaker 21 How does it feel?

Speaker 50 I love it so much.

Speaker 21 You created it, of course you do.

Speaker 21 But

Speaker 21 now you've given it four dimensions, which means it can grow by itself.

Speaker 21 Is it getting bigger?

Speaker 50 Yes.

Speaker 21 It's the size of a baseball.

Speaker 21 Then a beach ball.

Speaker 18 Then a globe.

Speaker 41 Then a house.

Speaker 21 A mountain.

Speaker 21 A planet.

Speaker 21 a solar system,

Speaker 21 a galaxy.

Speaker 21 And then it's the size

Speaker 2 of everything.

Speaker 21 We're now inside it, floating through it all.

Speaker 21 We can go anywhere you want.

Speaker 37 In the long arms of a particular galaxy, you can see a familiar blue dot.

Speaker 21 You float towards it.

Speaker 21 Through the clouds and down towards a small town on a mountainside.

Speaker 21 You float down onto the roof of a motel.

Speaker 21 Whoa.

Speaker 14 All the cars are gone.

Speaker 21 Holy shit, Ava. Open your eyes.

Speaker 15 What happened?

Speaker 21 We started over.

Speaker 21 Kind of.

Speaker 21 Are they all gone down there?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 12 Everyone.

Speaker 21 Well, I guess I didn't obliterate us.

Speaker 24 What the hell just happened?

Speaker 7 Okay, for real, though, did Ava just do magic?

Speaker 21 Thank you. You're welcome, dummy.

Speaker 21 What did you do?

Speaker 21 I didn't do much of anything. I just told you what to do.

Speaker 41 How did you know what to do?

Speaker 21 Well, I'm really smart, Clementine.

Speaker 21 The more power you have, the more knowledge you have to have. And the more you can do, the more you need to know what you should do.

Speaker 21 If you don't, you get a universe full of Hyundai Sonatas.

Speaker 42 Is it over?

Speaker 21 Not yet.

Speaker 21 The next part is the most important part.

Speaker 21 You and Tarek are going to go down to the diner, sit at a booth,

Speaker 21 and you're going to drink coffee and eat pancakes until we've sucked all the terrible bullshit out of you.

Speaker 21 It could take a while. You are full of a lot of bullshit.

Speaker 8 What's that gonna do to her?

Speaker 21 Honestly, I'm not sure.

Speaker 30 It doesn't matter. I'll do it.
I have to.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 21 Let's get off this roof then.

Speaker 21 You need to go down and apologize to

Speaker 21 literally everyone.

Speaker 21 Okay.

Speaker 22 Dear, we have got to put some music on because that was a whole dang experience.

Speaker 2 Agreed, dear.

Speaker 7 Anyway, you'll see these triangular yellow drones from Tefirius sometimes. They hover for a minute or so, grab some data, and then they're gone.

Speaker 11 It's no big deal. What kind of data are they grabbing?

Speaker 9 They make maps.

Speaker 7 They're nuts about maps. The whole planet.
It's weird.

Speaker 30 Hey, Lave.

Speaker 15 Do you mind if I talk to Frank and June for a second?

Speaker 7 No problem. Nice to meet you too.

Speaker 24 Sure.

Speaker 15 Hey guys.

Speaker 11 Hey, so apparently Lace used to be

Speaker 33 a space pirate.

Speaker 37 Yes.

Speaker 24 Normal shit. I mean,

Speaker 11 it is the most normal thing we've heard today. It's true.

Speaker 21 And the radio?

Speaker 15 Uh, I don't think anyone actually knows the story there.

Speaker 24 They're telling us that you were just trying to get home.

Speaker 15 I was.

Speaker 15 I could travel anywhere I wanted except back home. So I kept changing things in my past, hoping it would lead me back there.

Speaker 15 In the process, I

Speaker 15 caused all this.

Speaker 30 Now I'll never get back there.

Speaker 24 And your home was in the future?

Speaker 15 Not your future.

Speaker 30 Another future of another Earth?

Speaker 29 It's hard to explain.

Speaker 25 No, I get it. You do.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 14 Because...

Speaker 11 I watched Star Trek.

Speaker 36 Who's laughing now?

Speaker 15 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 24 No, I guess now I understand why you were never honest with us.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 11 I mean, in a strange way, I guess it all makes sense now.

Speaker 24 I mean, it it doesn't make sense.

Speaker 13 Sense.

Speaker 24 Oh, no. But but it makes sense.

Speaker 15 Thank you both for being so nice to me this whole time. I I really did like it here.

Speaker 24 You know, Clementine, you may not ever get home, but that doesn't mean you'll never

Speaker 24 be home.

Speaker 24 you know

Speaker 24 you heard my mom she hated it here but

Speaker 24 she made us her home sometimes

Speaker 21 home isn't a place hey there mind if I butt in

Speaker 15 I need to debrief the motel people before we go yeah I need to make a bunch of apologies anyway bye Clementine

Speaker 21 so

Speaker 33 Hi So you're like the doctor of the ship, right?

Speaker 21 Oh, it's not a ship.

Speaker 11 But you're like the smart person with the ideas. Sure.

Speaker 33 See?

Speaker 11 Star Trek again.

Speaker 37 I'm left.

Speaker 21 I wanted to mention something before we go. Um

Speaker 21 Well, we may have fixed things here, but there's actually no such thing as a fixed thing.

Speaker 24 What do you mean?

Speaker 21 Well, some weird shit went down. We fixed it, but there may be some

Speaker 21 residual effects.

Speaker 24 Residual effects?

Speaker 21 Things may still be a little weird around here.

Speaker 11 Things are always weird around here.

Speaker 9 Right.

Speaker 21 This

Speaker 21 would be a new category of weird.

Speaker 24 Yeah, and what exactly does this new category of weird look like?

Speaker 21 Really, no idea.

Speaker 14 Just

Speaker 21 keep a lookout for that.

Speaker 9 Okay? Okay.

Speaker 21 Oh, and Frank.

Speaker 21 Clementine told me that at one point she

Speaker 21 disintegrated your body

Speaker 21 and then she reconstructed your body from ambient molecules in the atmosphere.

Speaker 12 Yeah,

Speaker 24 sure.

Speaker 32 Right, that's

Speaker 24 I'm sorry, she what now?

Speaker 21 Reconstructed your body after disintegrating it.

Speaker 25 Yeah, uh-huh.

Speaker 18 But you look like you're doing great, so

Speaker 18 just

Speaker 21 keep a lookout for that as well.

Speaker 16 Okay.

Speaker 12 Hi. Hi.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 12 Um,

Speaker 15 when I look at you, I literally feel every human emotion, and it's overwhelming, so I just need to say something.

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 15 Uh, actually, I think I already said the thing I needed to say. It was the every human emotion thing.
So I put the cart before the horse. Um,

Speaker 15 I guess I'm uh trying to say, uh, Clementine.

Speaker 8 I'm going to stand here in this parking lot until this place starts traveling through the space-time continuum because it's really an amazing thing to see.

Speaker 25 Then

Speaker 8 you and I are going to go inside

Speaker 8 and have pancakes.

Speaker 8 Okay?

Speaker 25 Okay.

Speaker 32 This parking lot was full of cars

Speaker 34 and then you talked to Clementine

Speaker 35 and all the cars disappeared.

Speaker 7 What kind of Chris Angel nonsense is that?

Speaker 21 I've told you for years that I'm a sorcerer and you don't listen to me

Speaker 7 but i shouldn't be surprised because you never listen to me i listen to you all the time it's not my fault that i only understand 30 of the things you say 30 is general it's tricky with you physics people because you have these cool names for things that turn out to be super boring like monstrous moonshine uh monstrous moonshine is fascinating does it involve either monsters or moonshine no it does not it's a total misnomer, and I think the physics community should watch itself.

Speaker 21 Okay, stop for a second. What?

Speaker 21 I want to talk to you about something.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 21 I'm concerned with some things you've been saying lately.

Speaker 7 What things? When?

Speaker 21 When we were in the deep freeze.

Speaker 16 Ava?

Speaker 22 Ava, what's happening?

Speaker 21 That sound.

Speaker 21 what? Do you hear that?

Speaker 51 Uh, maybe.

Speaker 7 I think I hear something.

Speaker 18 Leave. I hear it.

Speaker 25 What is it?

Speaker 37 It's Chuck.

Speaker 7 It's Chuck? Fourth-dimensional being Chuck. He has theme music now, like Foxy Brown.

Speaker 21 There was a sound we heard the last time he showed up.

Speaker 14 And that time before that.

Speaker 24 Okay.

Speaker 7 Well, he's the one who sent us on this wild ride looking for Clementine. Maybe he wants to congratulate us now.
Maybe this is the loot chest at the end of the adventure.

Speaker 4 Gloria, what?

Speaker 49 We must go now. Ow.
Ugh. Clementine?

Speaker 49 Ow! Ow!

Speaker 49 Fuck!

Speaker 16 Ow! Clementine,

Speaker 2 what's wrong?

Speaker 41 Oh, I- I don't know. I- Ow!

Speaker 14 God damn it! What's happening, Terek? I don't know.

Speaker 52 Gloria, we have been deceived.

Speaker 52 It's Chuck.

Speaker 2 He's killing her. Why?

Speaker 25 It's over. We won.

Speaker 24 The point wasn't to stop her.

Speaker 7 He just wanted us to wear her down, then flush her out so we could hit.

Speaker 7 We were his fucking hunting dog. He's going to kill her right in front of us.

Speaker 14 Somebody give me some options.

Speaker 17 Please, go up on the roof and turn on the wind chimes.

Speaker 21 Why? I think it may distract him. It may buy us some time.

Speaker 9 Okay, I'm going.

Speaker 25 This was his plan the whole goddamn time.

Speaker 7 We can't let her just die.

Speaker 14 We're not going to.

Speaker 31 Wind chimes are on.

Speaker 14 How long until we jump? We're a ways off.

Speaker 25 fuck Clementine Clementine.

Speaker 14 What's happening?

Speaker 2 I don't

Speaker 2 I don't know it's like

Speaker 14 having my insights ripped out Clementine you teleported the diner to get us here. Can you do it again?

Speaker 2 I can't.

Speaker 25 I can't. I'm too weak.

Speaker 2 We have been pawns this entire time.

Speaker 2 We we must protect her, Gloria. How? I am not asking you to pray, but to find the closest thing you can.

Speaker 25 Oh god, it's starting again!

Speaker 42 He's finding a way through!

Speaker 14 I am officially sick of this.

Speaker 25 Frank, June,

Speaker 13 what is happening?

Speaker 14 I'm sorry, you two. Best of luck, now get off the parking lot.
What?

Speaker 21 Leif, can you get more power to the wind chimes?

Speaker 14 I can try.

Speaker 28 Mario!

Speaker 14 Come and time, you've got to hang in there, okay?

Speaker 2 What's happening to me?

Speaker 16 What's attacking me?

Speaker 7 Hang on. What are we gonna do?

Speaker 36 Stay out here, okay?

Speaker 43 What's happening?

Speaker 14 I'm going to get mad.

Speaker 9 Mad?

Speaker 9 hey

Speaker 14 i'm talking to you there's a girl out there that's about to be killed while you're just sitting here are you listening to me

Speaker 14 i know you're listening to me i know you listen to all of us all the time I know we talk about how this place is random and just pops up in random places, but it doesn't.

Speaker 14 You don't do that, do you?

Speaker 14 In fact, I'm guessing nothing you do is random.

Speaker 14 I know you're listening.

Speaker 14 I know you're paying attention. There are Goajillo peppers in that walk-in that you put there, and I'll bet my life you didn't start doing that until I showed up.

Speaker 14 You're listening. I'm guessing you have some sort of plan that will never know.
Some great mystery, right?

Speaker 14 Well, I'm sick of it.

Speaker 14 I'm getting batted around by two forces out of my control. Chuck, the fourth-dimensional asshole, and you,

Speaker 35 whatever you are.

Speaker 14 And frankly, getting batted around by forces out of my control. I had enough of that back home, and I'm not doing it again.

Speaker 14 So here's the deal.

Speaker 14 Whatever it is you're up to,

Speaker 34 you need me.

Speaker 14 I know you do.

Speaker 14 You need all of us, and none of us are going to stand for you letting a girl die in the parking lot.

Speaker 14 You need us, so you need to start acting like it.

Speaker 10 Move.

Speaker 14 Now,

Speaker 47 take

Speaker 12 this girl home.

Speaker 7 We jumped early.

Speaker 9 What happened?

Speaker 14 I think I used my get out of jail free card.

Speaker 7 What do you mean?

Speaker 14 You were saying this place is listening to us, right?

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 14 So

Speaker 14 I yelled at it.

Speaker 7 Holy shit.

Speaker 14 I'm guessing I get about one of those per lifetime.

Speaker 7 Nice work.

Speaker 14 Let's check on the problem, child.

Speaker 7 How are you feeling?

Speaker 29 Um, I'm okay.

Speaker 30 God, that was terrible.

Speaker 5 I am disappointed in myself that we were deceived. We all are, Sabulon.

Speaker 31 Deceived by who? Who are you talking about?

Speaker 7 Someone sent us after you, Clementine.

Speaker 15 Who?

Speaker 7 I don't know how to describe it. An entity.
We named him Chuck.

Speaker 21 We didn't know he was going to try and kill you.

Speaker 7 We did not.

Speaker 18 Now what happens?

Speaker 14 Looks like we're in the clear for now.

Speaker 7 How did we jump early? Gloria yelled at the diner.

Speaker 9 Yelled at it?

Speaker 14 Yes, so watch yourself.

Speaker 15 Gloria, what's happening?

Speaker 14 Looks like we've all got a lot of explaining to do, but for now we're fine.

Speaker 14 I somehow convinced the diner to take you home, Clementine.

Speaker 15 Oh, God.

Speaker 15 I wish you hadn't done that.

Speaker 15 Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all. Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

Speaker 15 And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember, we're out there, somewhere,

Speaker 2 looking for you.

Speaker 2 We open at six.

Speaker 7 Midnight Burger is made possible in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters.

Speaker 7 Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, Second Bethany, Megan Mighty, Siobhan Delilah Rose, Stabby Cacti, Dan Bowman, Big Sexy, Deary Darling, Casper's Number One Fan, Jane, Stu, Tess Bart, Nan McVicker, Rusty Accord, A Bug Named Nat, Mothra Stewart, Hicks Bessie Mates, Daniel L., Mitzi Lou, Life is Liminal, The Art Sherpa, G.

Speaker 7 Longhorn, Lucrezia, Amy Pollard, Zehoni Vida, Brick Hausdorff, The Waiting Pool Pirates, Past Prologue, Little Ball of Odd, Dr.

Speaker 7 Punt Gusher Esquire, Stepon, Chelsea G, Lydia Kenworthy, Mel Momberg, The Mac Truck, Cosmic Shrug, Osvaldo Simeoni, Bradley Ashby, Will Goliou, Kingpin, Nespell, Boodles, Rashmi Vinkatesh, Rubius Fuzzlebutt, Miss Chris Still Making Sandwiches, Hot Plate of Biscuits and Gravy, Banshee Ranch, Killshot Betty and her steel-eyed bow, Victor in Cincinnati, Bacon, Kurt Bartnick, Russell Bunny, Kim Bob, Tom Webster, Sherbert Aggressive, Infinity Times Infinity, Saint Fu, Roman Ronin, D.

Speaker 7 Fox, Matt Mosby, Nicole Colonjello, J. Way Mythical, The Real Dirt Fairy, Hayabuddha, Rubies, Lady Karma, Amar J.

Speaker 7 Dibble, Stephanie Sturgis, The Dread Pirate Fred Fredberger, Daniel Caprit, Ryan Ortega, Rogue, Liz Laser Eyes, William Dyer, Hurry Up and Wait, Aang Ree, Ivy, Raphael S.K., Cole, Your Favorite Kenny, Galatea, Reaper, Black Squirrel, SCRB Mark 11, Robert Oliveri, Adrian Ramirez, Berserking Off, Hayward's Finest Garen Elizondo, Genuine Jacob, Schnoogans, Joshua Cody, Kelly Jane Dankey, Ambient Drifting Man 80, Mossy, Stephen Robin Poole, Stephen Schmidt, Crazed Bear, Pathos, Amanda Marie Kathraine, The Something Something Detective Agency, Underwater Corvid, Andrea Strick, Virgo Aries Infinity, Julian Barber, Sircat Dad, Jane Goostree, Tree, Brad Menier, The Ambergler, Velocicate, Gracefully Impaired, Crystal Delightful, Petting Dogs, Phantom Zone, Crowed Nation, Screme Brulee, Jack Lane, Lola, Phantom Turtle, Chaos Squatcher, Bookshift Managed, Aaron the Optimist, Andrew Barner, Crittle, Camel Pope, Tofarius, Christian Davis, Tuba Rick, Patrick Jenkins, Clara Olson, Justine Burbank, Sonny De Anomaly, Peachy Zatuichi, The Bard with the Tuba, ALR, Chris Hancock, Sammy Baldwin, Dances with Burritos, Apprehensive Craig, Terrifying Genderless Space Pirate Uncle Buck, Caravan Shaker, Trinket Coralee, Disco Funkslinger, Charlie DeLambert, Deli Cruise, Edgy Steve, Gruntled, Incorrigible Ross, Hashtag Nissan Acura, Grilled Chicken Sando, Lara Orchid, Quilandis, Heidelberty, Miss Mae, aka Heather Berland, Potato Nation, La Cockney Francaise, Alice Malice, Podge Art, Rudra, Starlight, Freya Titmittens, Celeste Yoose, Corine Sabrantha, Weirdly Nordic Leviathan, Sean Wright, Michael Christian, Wandering Aquarius, Moldy Bred Millie, Tarvox Stormbringer, Techno Ranger Rick, Magnificent Hogbeast, Harry Fishnuts, Charmae, Kyle of Light, Broccoenie, Theo Alex Dean, Lattice Action Figure, Plum Scrumping Action, Flat Dug, Sarah Farmer, Arrow of Truth, Casey Howe, Purple Saline, The Wondrous Methazophon, Antigone Brickman, The Love Pod Podcast, Nicole23, J-Mac Diz, G.

Speaker 7 Wilsonian407, Cheetah Go, Saren Far Beyond the Stars, Spizzeringtum, Smelga Snorowitz, Samira, Xavier Sage, Blargo, Blargo, Blargo, Onyx Rose, Battle Pope, and Bugaboo, Death the Kid, Hold It Now,

Speaker 1 Hit It!

Speaker 7 Mac Savage, Churlington Beastcoat, Tamara Oliver, Kelsey Home, Jackie Wavelet, Marissa, Damien the Goddamn Time Lawyer, Terry, Skyland, Tim Aranetta, Magic Pony, Jay Snoosdon, Maggie's Yarm, Rebecca Trossel, Andy Croft, Zealous Pragma, Mallory Mae, Tybalt I, Aaron Mitchell, Raven the Neko Queen, Ashley Chapel Peoples, Jimmy Snims, Melvis Gray Mystery, Alkalized Tertiary Amines, Om Vega, Codex Typo, Al Cave, Kevin Batten, Creator67, Sono Nasuno, John Dew, Courtney DePona, Snorts McGortz, John Pruitt, Justin at the Tree Cave, Ruth McCormick, Stuck in Derplahoma, It's Just Blake, Evinala, The Pearsons, Tired Pirate Muffin, J.R.

Speaker 7 the Hiker Bear, Turtles All the Way Down, Fiona Malasy, Ravenheart, Menlor, Rachel Rachelson, Nicole Studioso, Moldy Bred Millie, Tracy, Elsbeth, Colibri, The Green Street Major, Posh Baby Brintles Florida, Jessica Shelton, Nate, Megan Okeo, Three Legs Are Perfectly Good, Sarah Murphy, Peter, Maloran, Marun Mai Salil, Noah and Katie, Late Indeed Again, Unexciting K, Ian Hertzler, Vicki A.

Speaker 7 Bear, Mother of Thor, Cryptessia, Nth Anomaly, Special K, Atlas B, Salazar the Dome Age, Spruce Box, Fresh Squeezed, Laura, Ryan Abbey, Zusana, Best Buds Danny and M, Captain Blepp, Finnegan Robert, Lord Than and Lady Sars, Ashton James, Sarah Bergenholtz, Paul A.

Speaker 7 Johnson, Hunter B, Zacky Nat, Big Whiskey, Talon Lawson, Hannah Dale, Quilandis, Naya, Cara, Ben and Jessica, Just Jane is Fine, Dandy Bay, Cece Ryder, The Combat Wombat, K-Mac, Rambo, the artist formerly known as Mouse Cop, Kirsten, Eli the Electrician, Jackie Lowie, Adelaide Dark, Manglerfish, Good God, There Are So Many Names, Curtis Trell Sr., David Pierini, Terrified Toddler, Dalek Steve, Dancing Dog Dreams, Beatrice Podacious, and Existentially, Exhausted Bean.

Speaker 21 Seven, nope, huh?

Speaker 27 I'm taking

Speaker 2 taking. Woo!

Speaker 21 Taking.

Speaker 9 Are you?

Speaker 21 All you have at your disposal are the trees and tiny creatures that live on your island and whatever the ocean washes up on there.

Speaker 18 All you have.

Speaker 21 And don't open them until I tell you to, okay?

Speaker 38 Okay.

Speaker 38 Okay.

Speaker 21 I'm gonna hold for a second though, because there's a plane flying over right now, and this is a really intimate moment.

Speaker 8 Time is a plane it flies over me and makes noise but i am also the plane

Speaker 15 i am the plane that ruined the podcast but i am also the podcast

Speaker 15 time is a sim

Speaker 15 sim simp

Speaker 25 because of the temporal lump hi in my house and i let the morning air in

Speaker 2 and I release

Speaker 20 all that stale air that I've been been.

Speaker 42 I'm sorry. I'll mute for you, Julie.

Speaker 7 I'll mute for you.

Speaker 14 I just, oh, God.

Speaker 4 The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

Speaker 52 You're juggling a lot. Full-time job, side hustle, maybe a family.
And now you're thinking about grad school? That's not crazy. That's ambitious.

Speaker 52 At American Public University, we respect the hustle and we're built for it. Our flexible online master's programs are made for real life because big dreams deserve a real path.

Speaker 52 Learn more about APU's 40-plus career-relevant master's degrees and certificates at apu.apus.edu. APU, built for the hustle.