Chapter 30: Fangs Out!

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the forma perfecto den peza de la conto familia.

Cono ju las crucientes and verdad qual lo 1s les encantas.

Ademas delicios 2 trosos de granola nuces y fruta.

¿Ce todos van ad disbrutada?

Hani punchos devotes para todos.

Tokal bener para sabermás.

Hi, everyone, it's Joe.

Before we begin, I wanted to extend one final warning that this episode that you're about to hear is not the final episode of season three of Midnight Burger.

We made an announcement a while back that we are extending season three of Midnight Burger by two episodes.

So, Midnight Burger Season 3 will end on chapter 32 and not chapter 30 that you are about to listen to right now.

Okay,

I think now everyone's gotten a message.

Enjoy the show.

Previously on Midnight Burger, Leaf's Got a Gun.

I'm Pockets.

Clementine has laser hands.

Leaf's got chemical ice!

You trapped her in a giant ice cube!

I did.

Clementine doesn't care!

I'm gonna make you pay for this one!

And then, what's that up in the sky?

It's...

Hey!

X!

Who are you?

Get away from my friends!

And then, after all that, what's that up in the sky?

Is it...

realization?

It can't be me.

With halftime officially called, we take you all the way back to medieval Jerusalem to try and solve the mystery of a 700-year-old man named...

Who are you?

I am Tarek of York.

And in the most unlikeliest of places, this happens.

I

love you.

And I you.

It ended how I'm sure you imagine it would.

I have to save you

by leaving you.

Because I do

love you, Tarek of York.

I will forever.

It just breaks your heart.

If a 700-year-old man and a delusional space goddess eroding the fabric of space-time can't make it work, who can?

Let's start the shift.

Asset seven, please step back from the door.

I'm nowhere near the door.

You are not the usual person who brings me lunch.

I know.

Where does it go?

On this table?

That's fine.

Well, come on.

It's going to get cold.

It's usually cold when they serve it.

Get your ass over here.

Taco Tuesday again already?

I guess so.

So, who are you?

Tamara.

Nice to meet you.

Isn't it?

So, what do you do here?

Are you the director or something?

Oh, I don't work here.

It's hard to tell from inside this room, but I'm pretty sure this place is a secret government facility.

Oh, it definitely is.

Very hard to find.

And you just walked in?

Pretty much.

Once a week, a nurse comes in and takes a blood sample, then a man comes in and questions me.

That's happened fifty times, which I think means I've been here about a year.

Then

you show up.

This must be a nice change of pace.

It is.

Also a strange one.

Well, I knew some people.

They must be pretty powerful people.

I don't know if powerful is the word, but they're the right people.

And I suppose if I told you I was in here because of a massive case of mistaken identity, that wouldn't help.

Not with me, it wouldn't.

Because you know something other people don't?

Yes.

What is that?

You know, I'm a very rich woman.

I imagine so.

But I didn't come from money.

I was a security guard at a mall when I was young.

But one lucky break and several good investments later, and now I've got my own plane.

Let me guess.

It's one of those red baron planes.

You wear a leather cap cap and goggles?

It's a G6,

and for the past ten years, I have been crisscrossing the globe in it.

And why is that?

Because sometimes first class just won't do it.

I mean, why have you been crisscrossing the globe?

Mind your business.

So, the richer I got, the more and more I was hanging around other rich people.

And I don't know if you know many rich people, but uh

deeply strange is the term I would use.

At one point, I'm on an island and I don't even know what island I'm on.

That's a rich person thing, by the way, being on an island and not knowing where the hell you are.

I'm in the lobby of a hotel looking out over the Mediterranean, and I'm surrounded by just an ungodly amount of these people.

The GDP of Europe is in the lobby, okay?

Anyway, I'm looking all around and I'm thinking, what do they do?

What do they do all day?

I've done very well for myself, but I guess it's the poor kidding me.

I still need something to do.

I thought that's what charities and foundations were for.

Don't get me wrong, I give my fair share, but there's only so many benefit galas a woman can go to.

So, how do you fill your time?

By looking for a man.

Not like that.

Okay.

A very elusive man.

What's his name?

That's part of the problem.

He's got a lot of them.

That's confusing.

He should pick one.

Oh, he did.

Many times.

Tellon Lawson, Patrick Jenkins, Tom Webster.

That's just in the last 30 years.

That's not all that unusual, though.

People on the run, criminals, they have multiple identities all the time.

You know the right people, you can be anyone you want.

It starts to get weird after going back 30 years.

Tamara, let me stop you right there.

But I'm just getting started.

I've been trapped here in a government building extra judicially.

All the evidence you're about to present to me, I've heard it all before.

Once a week, at least, someone comes in here and presents me with the same evidence you are about to present me with.

And then I say back to them, you're insane.

Because it is insane.

Accusing me of being a man that is somehow hundreds of years old, this is lunacy.

And I think they know it now.

And I think the only reason I'm still here is because of the size of the lawsuit I am going to bring as soon as they let me call a lawyer.

I see.

So we're still keeping up the facade then.

Jesus Christ.

Do you know what this place is?

No, but I like to imagine it somehow being hidden under Disneyland.

It's not hidden under Disneyland.

It's in a business park in Lincoln, Nebraska.

You're the first person to tell me where I am.

Yeah.

I probably wasn't supposed to do that, but I don't give a shit.

They call you an asset.

Yeah, I know.

I don't know why.

They call you an asset because that's what this place is.

You're not the only one they're keeping here.

There are others like you just down the hall.

I saw them as I was escorted here.

Others like me?

Not exactly like you.

Your asset seven, assets one through six, are in the same building.

I tried to get the guard to talk to me about it.

Apparently, one of them can suck the life out of a battery in ten minutes.

Another one has a

casual relationship with gravity, whatever that means.

They went through all the trouble to set this place up, and you're telling me that it was all a mistake on their part.

That's exactly what I am telling you.

Do you know why I've been crisscrossing the world in my fancy plane for ten years?

I thought it was none of my business.

I've been looking for you.

I hired historians.

I paid off local officials.

I went to Kyrgyzstan.

Kyrgyzstan.

There's nothing in Kyrgyzstan.

You're right.

There's nothing there, including me.

And I do all that.

Ten years of work.

And that brings me to this government facility.

And after all that, you're just going to tell me it's all bullshit.

Ten years, and then you come in here and don't even ask my name?

I know your name.

Well, then what do you even need me for?

You know everything.

Because I want to hear you say it.

This is ridiculous.

So they just...

They just let you in here.

How is that even possible?

I see you've got two tactics in a situation like this.

One, get the other person to talk about themselves as much as you can, and two,

lie big

and lie long.

Stick to your story, and they'll eventually give up on theirs.

Their version of your story is harder to believe in anyway, right?

I'm surrounded by crazy people.

This is your own damn fault, you know.

You were the one who tipped me off.

I was?

You started getting a little squirrely with your name choices in the 19th century.

Maybe going a little crazy, maybe wanting to get caught just a little bit.

I mean, it had been six hundred years at that point.

Jay Snooston?

You really expect people to believe that bullshit name?

Still don't know what you're talking about.

But the real cry for help was at the turn of the century.

A man applies for Irish citizenship.

Terry O'York.

I've heard this all before, and I'll say the same thing I did then.

How about the demon of Breitenfeld?

That wasn't your official name, just the name that they gave you.

We had to dig deep for that one.

I'm betting they haven't thrown that name at you yet.

I'm sorry I had to bring it up.

You probably didn't want to hear that right now.

I don't know what you're talking about.

What if I could get you out of here?

What?

I'm too rich to repeat myself.

Don't make me.

You can't.

How do you know?

It'll take more than an impressive bank account to get me out of here.

I've got more than that.

Also, they're listening to this conversation right now, and you just proposed an escape.

They're not listening.

Of course, they're listening.

No, they're not.

They're not listening because I used my impressive bank account to get a private conversation.

See how that works.

How?

Don't worry about it.

And then where would we?

I've got a place we can go.

You're serious, aren't you?

I am very serious.

What's in this for you?

Me.

Oh, it's been a lifelong journey for me.

I need some closure.

It all started a long time ago when I met a strange woman named Clementine.

I imagine it began about the same way for you.

Tell me what you know?

No.

We have a lot to talk about.

We do.

Get me the fuck out of here, then.

One condition.

What?

What's your name?

Your real name.

My name is Terric of York, son of Tybalt I.

I was born in Castle Pontefract in the year of our Lord 1371.

I found you, motherfucker.

Yes, you did.

This has been a long time coming, Terek.

Me getting out of here has also been a long time coming, so what's the plan?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

As I'm sure you can imagine, I've led a rather extraordinary life.

I doubt you can surprise me.

I don't know.

It's been a surprising day so far.

Try me.

Well,

first of all, those tacos I brought you did not come from the commissary.

Jesus Christ, what the hell is that?

Apparently, it's called a laser saw.

A what?

Attention, all who can hear my voice.

I'm Zebulon Muckawain, here with my wife, Ethan.

Hi, prisoner!

What the fuck is that?

I think we should probably just wait until I can explain everything at once.

We have been informed that there are many people here who are being held against their will.

And we don't like that one bit, y'all.

We say now to your captors: the cowering prisoners will soon be set free.

They will not die in their dungeon, nor will they lack red.

The doors to the cells are all opening except ours.

They explained this earlier to me today.

Apparently, they've done a jailbreak or two.

Who explained it to you?

A jailbreak comes in three parts, apparently.

Insertion, distraction, extraction.

I'm the insertion.

That's the distraction.

And now...

Galebreak, motherfuckers!

Holy shit!

Hey, Tarek, how are things?

Did you get my note?

Casper?

We'll catch up later.

Your chariot awaits.

Let's go!

Where the fuck did the helicopter come from?

Tamara got it.

It's cool, right?

Apparently it's called Reaper.

Rich people are wild.

She said she wanted a helicopter, made one phone call, and then a helicopter showed up.

Everybody in?

Here, put a headset on.

This is insane.

So, it was the craziest thing.

I'm bopping all around the globe looking for you for 10 years, and then I finally find you in Lincoln, goddamn Nebraska, and I can't get to you because you're locked away in a black site.

I'm staying at the Hilton trying to calculate my next move.

By the way, the Lincoln, Nebraska Hilton, not recommended.

So I've reached a point in my life where I really, really hate not getting what I want.

And as I'm looking out the window, that's when I see it.

Like God's own love.

What?

Us!

What?

Again, let's just wait until we can explain everything all at once.

Good plan.

Gloria, can you hear me?

I can hear you.

We have secured the football.

Top normal.

We have Tarek say hello.

Hello there, Tarek.

Who is this?

I'm Gloria.

I'll see you in a few minutes.

Okay, sure.

Hey, Casper, are they chasing you?

Hang on.

Okay, they're trying to, but they don't have a helicopter, idiots.

What are we looking at?

Uh, looks like uh, six black suburbans.

Ooh.

Feds.

This will be fun.

Uh, important science question.

Do we get to shoot the big gun?

The big what?

Okay, we're coming in for a landing.

Already?

Yeah, we were just down the street.

Why the hell did you need a helicopter?

Did he just ask why the hell did you need a helicopter?

Who is this nerd?

Never say no to a free helicopter, turret.

Okay, we're coming in for a landing in the parking lot.

The feds aren't far off.

Lee, are you ready?

I'm ready.

How serious are we getting with these guys?

Bangs out.

Bangs out.

Bangs out, Doc.

Bangs out.

The prisoners are all freed, y'all.

Did somebody say bangs out?

Bangs out!

No!

Who the fuck are you taking me?

See, this is fun.

Now I get to watch somebody else go through it.

See that parking lot?

That's where we're headed.

Midnight Burger.

Okay, we're down.

Everybody into the funhouse.

Remember, I told you I was a security guard?

A long time ago, I was in a pretty weird situation, and then, suddenly, there was a dino.

Hello there, Terran.

What is this place?

I'm Gloria.

Have a seat.

We're being chased by federal agents.

You want me to order lunch?

We got that handled.

Sit down.

Where did that helicopter come from, by the way?

Private security.

Don't worry about it.

Casper, you and Leif get up on the roof and repel the invaders.

Okay.

Oh, hey, we should do the floor is lava.

Ooh.

Floor is lava?

Been a while.

What?

A little something from the pre-Ava days.

Leif and I had a few set ways of getting out of a jam.

Yeah, there was floor is lava.

There was also, that's my wombat.

Also, here comes Cardinal Richelieu.

We even had a scheme of our own, didn't we, dear?

Yes, we did.

Ours was called biscuits.

That was a good one.

Okay, fine.

Go nuts.

I'm torn because I want to do Flora's Lava, but I also want to talk to the old guy.

We'll save you a seat.

Okay.

Let's go!

Flora's lava!

Is it always this ridiculous around here?

No, actually.

Sometimes it can be downright depressing.

We went through a rough patch a few weeks ago, and we're starting to turn it around around now.

What happened a few weeks ago?

A few weeks ago, we met a woman named Clementine.

Ring any bells?

Start talking.

I've got to take you way back, Tarek.

Once upon a time, I answered an ad in Craigslist.

Here comes the fuzz.

You know,

it's important in any relationship to establish clear boundaries.

Thangs out.

I feel as though the word fangs does not truly capture the moment.

This is Zeva with the traffic report.

It's rough out there today, everyone.

Look out on the turnpike where there's a huge pile up of fence, and apparently some whack job has mounted a huge particle cannon on the roof of his diner.

Those automobiles sure were shiny a minute ago, weren't they?

What the hell just happened outside?

That was our particle cannon.

Particle cannon?

I didn't believe it when you told me, but that was definitely some kind of cannon.

I need me one.

What kind of diner has a particle cannon?

The kind that needs protection from a super powerful, terrified toddler.

I can't believe that story you just told me.

That doesn't sound like Clementine at all.

You're describing an insane person.

I was shocked when I heard it myself.

Tarek, the strangest thing you've ever heard of up to now is you.

But I'm here to tell you that you, Mr.

700-year-old man, are just a very small part of a much, much weirder universe.

So,

I told you my story.

Now, why don't you tell me yours?

Who is Clementine to you?

She

fell from the sky.

This is

Special Agent Sarah Murphy of Homeland Security.

Please disarm your weapon or

power it down or whatever and exit the building with your hands up.

Oh,

she does not sound confident.

Not one bit.

I feel like the homeland is not secure.

What do you think?

Should we exit the building with our hands up?

I don't know.

Will there be pizza?

Let me check.

Hey, Agent Murphy, quick question.

Will there be pizza?

Uh,

no, okay, no, then we are going to pass.

That's bullshit.

They always give pizzas during a standoff.

We have the building surrounded.

Uh,

I do not wish to call anyone a liar, but there ain't no way this building is surrounded.

It's maybe half surrounded, even calling it a semicircle is generous.

Hey, Agent Murphy, be honest.

Do you really have the building building surrounded?

No.

No, not really.

More like a semicircle, right?

It may be a semicircle.

It's important to be honest in these situations, Special Agent.

Really?

So you're gonna be honest about the weapon you have on your roof?

Honesty is very important, Leaf.

You're so right.

It's a multiphasic particle cannon.

Does that help?

No.

Now, I feel like Agent Murphy's having a bad day.

Anyone get that sense?

Maybe she needs a pizza.

Oh, yeah?

I thought we were doing Flora's Lava.

We definitely will.

We've got to wait for them to escalate.

Let's annoy them until they escalate.

Okay, how?

There's nothing more aggravating than hearing someone's life story.

I will second that notion.

This will be fun.

Agent Murphy.

Let's get to know each other.

Let me take you back to Humboldt County, California.

Seriously?

Oh my god, that's so sad.

I was devastated.

She just disappeared on you, huh?

I was ready to give up everything, forgive anything, and then she was gone.

That even makes me sad, Tarek.

And I hate love stories.

My time with her was the happiest I've ever been, and the most confused.

But the confusion then was nothing compared to the confusion that followed.

Because Casper sent you a little message.

That was the start of it, yes.

Can I just say he did not tell me he was going to do that, and I feel like there was a better version of that plan.

What did the message say?

The paper it was written on fully disintegrated about 400 years ago, but it went like this.

Dear Tarik of York, I apologize in advance for saying a bunch of things you're not going to understand.

But I'm writing you this note because I think you may be looking for Clementine.

If you are, I should tell you that we are too.

We are Midnight Burger, a time-traveling, dimension-spanning diner.

If you try really hard, you might find us, but we'll probably find you first.

Until then,

Casper.

Yeah, that's not helpful at all.

I desperately want you to imagine what it's like for a man living in 14th-century Jerusalem to receive a note like that.

Damn.

Added to that, the note was delivered by

something.

That was a friend of ours.

We'll explain later.

Keep going, though.

Well, after the whole experience, I felt like I was waking up from a dream.

I wondered if it had even happened.

Things began to calm down.

I went back to my studies.

And then I began to notice the change.

Or the lack of it.

My friend, Joseph, began to get gray hair.

I did not.

He became a grandparent.

There were fruit cellars in the market.

They began to be taken over by their children.

Holes in the great wall around the old city were repaired, and nothing changed for me.

I was exactly as you see me now.

At a certain point, I had to make the choice to leave.

Jerusalem was full of suspicion back then.

In the city of God, people are always on the lookout for the devil.

I began to get some worried looks.

So, one day I packed up my things and I moved on.

And that became a pattern for me for

the rest of my very long life.

I feel ridiculous asking this question, considering where we are, but how did you become this?

I've been asking myself that question for about 700 years.

Tarek,

when you were with Clementine, did you ever talk about wanting to live a long time or wanting to see what the world would be like in the future?

I practiced alchemy at the time.

I do remember telling her about the elixir of life, something that alchemists try to pull off.

A magical potion that would give you immortality.

That's what did it.

That's what did it?

Yeah.

He mentioned immortality one time, and suddenly he lives forever.

Clementine is incredibly powerful, Tarek.

She's the most powerful thing we've encountered, and we've seen some shit.

She does things accidentally, subconsciously.

You talked about something important to you, and then she gave it to you without even meaning to.

I mean, I'm just talking out my ass here, but there may have been something else going on.

What?

She said she loved you, Tarek, and you loved her, right?

I did.

I think she stuck a pin in you.

What do you mean?

She's on a mission.

That much is clear.

Maybe deep down, she knew she was going to have to figure some shit out.

She knew she was going to have to go, but she also loved you, so she showed you in a pickle jar and put you in a shady spot.

That's right.

A pickle jar.

Maybe subconsciously she wanted to make sure she could always come back to you.

No matter what.

Which is real fucked up.

Real fucked up, but it's human.

Don't mind me just looking for something.

What are you looking for?

Leaf said there was...

Here it is.

Electrodes.

That's what those are?

Yeah, we're setting up things.

Oh, uh, Leaf says, don't worry about the tear gas.

The tear gas?

Yeah, don't worry.

Yeah, okay.

Sure.

They don't seem concerned at all that we're surrounded by federal agents.

We've been slogging through some pretty difficult situations, so when we landed here and all we had to do was a jailbreak and a standoff with federal agents, that's kind of a day off for us.

And that's the story of how I made my first piezoelectric transducer.

Oh, Jesus Christ, enough already.

This is your final warning.

Ah,

oh no.

Should I say a prayer?

In her defense,

that story was like watching grass grow.

We'll never give in, Agent Murphy.

We don't think you have the guts to do something drastic.

Fine!

Dear gas pot A!

These guys are as predictable as the Teds.

Gas masks.

Okay,

let's wait for a second.

Um, how does this lead to the floor being lava?

Funny, you should say that.

Okay, Ava, we are now in phase whatever of the floor is lava.

You and I are gonna go downstairs and start inserting these electrodes into the ground.

We're going to electrify the ground?

Something like that.

Come on.

All right.

Okay, Muckle Wings,

we're going to put on a little show.

You ready?

I suppose.

What kind of show are we putting on?

I'm putting you by the microphone.

Follow my lead.

Oh, no!

Tear gas!

My eyes!

Oh no!

Oh, it's

terrible!

How dare you use tear gas on us, Agent Murphy!

It didn't have to go down this way, Leaf!

Yes, of course!

Because government agencies hate using tear gas so much!

I respect your ability to make jokes while choking to death, Leaf, but it's time to surrender and exit the building!

Okay.

We need time to discuss while somehow avoiding clouds of poisonous gas.

Okay.

We'll get right back to you.

What?

Okay, they can't see us through the clouds of tear gas.

Take some electrodes and shove them into the ground.

I'm not convinced of the science parts of this plan.

Don't worry about it.

Last time we did this, we were on a planet called Rudra.

The whole planet was under the control of a weird cult leader named Kyle of Light and his wife, Sunny De Anomaly.

It took them about five minutes to identify us as some sort of uh demonic presence.

Yeah, that tends to happen when you suddenly materialize in the town square.

Believe it or not, it wasn't because we suddenly appeared out of nowhere, it was because we served meat.

Huh, they were all vegan.

Anyway, the people of Rudra, not unlike our friends from Homeland Security, were pretty dumb.

So, Flora's lava went off pretty well.

Why does it sound like things were a lot of fun here until I showed up?

That's not true.

You had little schemes with fun names.

You didn't do any of that around me.

We did all kinds of ridiculous shit after you got here.

You got drunk with Kentucky coal miners.

I guess.

And look, I'm describing it as fun, but

I only knew that after the fact.

I only know that now.

Back then, my biggest objective was to be miserable, so I never noticed that it was fun.

Nobody ever tells you you're having the time of your life.

You only realize that after it's over.

So then I showed up and ended the time of your life.

No, look.

It was pretty infantile when it was me and Leaf, okay?

You showed up and you had ideas about the diner and physics and time and space and all that garbage.

You're making me sound like a party pooper.

No, you're not at all a party pooper, but honestly, sometimes the party needs to be pooped.

And sometimes there's no one around to poop the party that is desperately in need of pooping.

It was an improvement.

Even though you would do things like throw rocks at me and call me a bedweder, it got more grown up.

I liked it.

I am very mature.

You are.

Now, let's finish pulling this practical joke on these federal agents.

Okay.

You two, there!

Don't move!

Okay, we really need to sell this, okay?

Sell what?

Damn it!

Oh, no!

How did they possibly see us here 100 feet away from them?

Stay where you are!

We're taking you into custody!

Uh, excuse me, Agent Murphy, nobody's being taken into custody unless they want to feel the business end of a particle can.

I thought I I tear gassed you guys!

Thank God Leaf is here to save us.

Yes.

Thanks, God.

Ava, now that we've set up the devices,

let's retreat back to the building.

Oh, I'm very excited about the devices.

Devices?

What devices?

Leaf, what are you doing?

There is no way those electrodes are going to be able to send a current through the entire ground.

That's the secret genius of the floor is lava.

Just like the children's game, the floor is not actually lava.

Oh, you're not actually electrifying the ground.

Not at all.

Watch this.

I tried to work with you on this, Agent Murphy.

I tried to be a nice guy, but then you loved tear gas at me.

It's actually the second time he said that to a woman.

We have placed devices in the ground.

In a few seconds, I'm going to send an ungodly amount of voltage through the ground itself.

The only thing that can save you now is the vulcanized rubber tires of your suburbans.

Bullshit.

Sarah, we hacked your system and let all your prisoners loose.

We cut through your wall in seconds with a laser saw.

I dug a three-foot deep trench in the ground with my particle cannon.

You think I can't send bolts of electricity through the ground?

Fucking goddamn it!

Everybody up!

I'm on top top of your vehicles right now!

Move!

Ava, turn on the washer-dryer.

Hilarious.

We have activated the device.

You just saved your lives by getting up on your cars

because

the floor is lava.

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Why have they all gotten up on their cars?

I'm guessing this is what they meant by Flora's lava.

Not to ruin the party you all seem to be having, but I do tend to take the long view on things.

How exactly are we going to get out of this situation?

That problem will solve itself, trust me.

But since we're talking about the long view, we should probably talk about why we broke you out of prison.

Okay.

We didn't know what your deal was exactly.

You could have just been someone who bumped into Clementine

one time, but

we kind of hit the jackpot with you, Tarek.

You were in love with each other.

Yes.

And I don't want to exploit that.

But I also totally want to exploit that.

What do you mean?

We've got a lot of reasons to be upset with Clementine.

A lot.

But I think the last time we went up against her, we may have knocked some sense into her.

And I think if the reality of her situation is about to crash down on her, it's going to be rough.

And considering how little control she has over her emotions and her power, it could be fucking disastrous.

Her emotional breakdown could mean a breakdown of reality.

People could get hurt.

Seeing a friendly face might prevent that.

You think you may see her again.

We're definitely going to see her again.

We really think you should be here when we do.

I don't think that would have the effect you think it would.

Why?

Gloria, it's

it's been 700 years.

I've lived a thousand lifetimes.

Tamara has a long list of all the people I've been.

It's been strange and confusing, sometimes wonderful, and

terrifying.

And you're telling me that she

could have shown up at any time through all that, and

she just didn't.

I wouldn't be able to do that to someone I care about, which must mean Tarek.

When I said she stuck a pin in you, that's all subconscious.

She doesn't know that she did this to you.

As far as she knows, you lived and died in Jerusalem.

Well, she could have come back to me then.

She didn't.

She left and never came back.

And you think that I'm going to have some sort of

that I'm going to be able to fix things somehow that she may not even remember me Tarek it's been 700 years for you not her

but I get it you can't imagine treating someone this way not someone you truly love we want people to love us the same way we love them

You wanted her to stay and she didn't.

She left you.

And the easiest thing to say is that she never loved or cared about you at all.

And you feel that way because you would never do that to her.

You'd never leave her.

I wouldn't.

You can't hold her to that because she's not you.

Everybody's different, and everybody loves differently.

It's hard to understand that about people, but you can't demand that people act like you.

She wrote you a letter saying she was turning into a monster.

She couldn't let you see that.

And maybe she didn't come back because she wasn't done being a monster.

But I think she's just about done with it.

I think she's about to stop.

And I think you should be there to see it.

She may need you.

God damn it.

I know.

Somebody call FEMA because the floor is lava.

What the hell did y'all do out there?

Floor is lava completely encapsulates Leaf as a person because it is 50% technological brilliance.

And 50%

total horseshit.

How I like it.

They'll be stuck on top of their cars for a while, and the cannon is on sentry mode, so nobody's going anywhere.

I'm glad you're here, actually, because we're about to do the hard part.

Okay, let's get comfortable.

What is the hard part?

Ava.

Hi there, Tarek.

Here's how this works.

Clementine,

just by being around, damages the fabric of space-time.

And that damage manifests itself in all sorts of ways, like a mouthful of zombies or asteroids that can only be seen by half the people of Earth.

Wait, you're saying Ashley the asteroid was because of her?

Yes.

Did you see it?

I saw it.

Did you see it?

Yes.

That was her, Tarek.

Jesus.

Without going too much into it, Ashley the asteroid was just a byproduct of something much bigger.

And she did all of that completely by accident.

She had a conversation with two astrophysicists in a pub in London, and then, suddenly in the sky, was an asteroid.

How?

Our current understanding is that we see this damage to space-time a lot, but Clementine's different because she's not just a victim of the damage, but can also spread the damage.

Casper had a good analogy for this: Typhoid Mary.

I remember those days.

That's why I left New York.

What we've also come to understand is that this diner, this ridiculous should-not-exist place,

it somehow heals the damage.

And some of that damage is in you, Tarek.

That damage is what made you a seven hundred-year-old man.

If you stay with us while we wait for Clementine, the diner is going to fix that damage.

If you stay here long enough, when you go back out there into

whatever world you choose, you will probably start to age again for the first time in a very long time.

I see.

To die.

Yes.

To die.

It's a big decision, Tarek.

Just real quick, have we confirmed that once the diner heals him, the years aren't going to suddenly rush at him and turn him into dust?

No, that's not going to happen.

How do we know?

Because that would be stupid.

Well, I see.

Science.

You're not allowed to say science.

Nobody said you could say science.

So, as you can see, this is a pretty big ask, Tarek.

And we're not here to force you to do anything

to die.

Look, we have several hours left of this standoff with Homeland Security.

Take a minute.

I'm going to go get the enchiladas out of the oven.

Do you want some enchiladas?

Sure.

Okay.

Would

What's this?

Tarek,

pleased to make your acquaintance.

I'm Zebulon Mucklewain, here with my wife, Effie.

Hi, Terek.

What's happening right now?

Oh, there's a couple of Southern Baptist ministers inside the radio, and they talk to you sometimes.

Sure.

This may seem a bit self-serving at first, Tarek, but I wish to frame your predicament in a certain light, so do bear with us.

Self-serving how?

Can you tell me of Jerusalem?

Oh,

it was a wonderful place.

Probably the last place I felt truly at home.

Back then, it was controlled by the Mamluks, Egyptians.

I can't say that they returned the city to its former glory, but they did revive a tradition of sharing that Saladine brought in when he took the city back from the Christians.

All faiths there were very separate, but they did manage to find a way to share the city.

To worship separately, but also side by side.

The image of the Tower of David framed by the sunset.

I've kept that with me for seven centuries.

It was a dream of mine to go there one day

to walk the same path as Jesus and all the others.

I admit I'm a bit envious of your memories.

I thought about returning from time to time, but

it wouldn't be the same.

Not without her.

Yeah, quick update, y'all.

Tarek and Clementine were a thing.

Like a thing thing?

Yeah.

You sound surprised.

Surprised you survived.

Tarek, a while back we met someone,

a fugitive whose homeland had been destroyed.

They stayed with us until a more suitable home could be found.

They were a tree.

I'm sorry?

A tree?

Their name was Shell.

All right.

Shell was always listening and learning from us,

and from time to time had insight into our lives that would belie

their youth.

They once described all of us as fugitives like they were, but in a deeper, more spiritual sense.

We can all recall a time when our lives seemed in harmony with the Holy Spirit.

A time when our lives seemed to keep pace with the Son and there was a blessed synchronicity in all things.

And then

we can all recall that time ending.

We each have our own Garden of Eden and are, all of us, cast out from it.

And we spend the rest of our time on earth trying to somehow return to that place.

And that journey back becomes a life

in full.

Perhaps, just perhaps,

the gates are beginning to swing wide on your Garden of Eden, Tarek.

Perhaps our presence here is that very rare

call to come back home.

I imagine if I saw Jerusalem or Clementine again, it wouldn't be the same.

So much has changed.

It wouldn't feel like coming back home.

Well, I imagine imagine you were able to get a bit of reading done over the centuries, Tarek.

I was.

Any T.

S.

Elliot?

Oh, I see.

And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started.

And to know that place for the first time.

There's this embarrassing part of myself that I've never been able to shake.

Over the centuries, I've become cynical about so many things, and yet

somewhere deep down is still that medieval romantic

that part of me that would give

anything just to see her face again.

Well, that's nothing to be embarrassed about, Tarek.

We're all a bunch of cynics here.

It's a breath of fresh air to hear someone just say what they're feeling without any of the nonsense that's usually wrapped around it.

Enchilabe is on the counter, everybody.

So, what's it going to be, Tarek?

Casper, why did you send me that message?

What did you expect me to do?

Okay, look, we've got 12 hours every time we stop, and we have to make decisions on the fly.

Sometimes we don't make the best decisions.

Sometimes I don't make the best decisions.

I was winging it.

I don't know.

At first I was wondering if you were another Clementine, that there were two of her out there.

But then I thought,

what if you were just a guy?

Just a guy in medieval Jerusalem who stumbled into Clementine one day and then all of a sudden had no expiration date?

What if he's wandering out there, confused?

What if he

feels alone?

What if he feels the years piling up on him?

What if it's driving him crazy?

I have some experience with this.

Human beings aren't built for a lot of years like that.

I

wondered if you needed a hand.

I wondered if maybe you wanted off the merry-go-round.

What are you talking about?

We can't know what this is like for you, Tarek.

You need to ask yourself if it's time.

Well,

this is the first time in about 200 years that I haven't been bored.

So,

yes, I'll do it.

Good.

Excellent.

You're gonna love getting old, Tarek.

Like you would know.

Attention in the building.

I can see you all in there.

Are you are you having enchilada?

I need to talk to this one, too.

Casper, put us up by the microphone at the cash register.

Here we go.

Damn, I forgot they were there.

I would like to talk to Sarah, please.

Sarah, get on the horn.

Hello?

Hello, Sarah.

This is Effie Mucklewain.

Who?

Sarah,

what are you doing with this life of yours, dear?

What what

am I doing with my life?

That is my question, yes.

I'm

I'm an agent for the Department of Homeland Security.

That is a title, Sarah.

What are you doing?

I'm in charge of security for a specialized agent.

You're taking people and locking them in cages.

Isn't that right?

I mean...

Yeah.

Is this how you imagined it all working out for you, Sarah?

Well...

No.

Sarah.

Zebulon Muckleway in here.

From time to time, we'll meet a person such as yourself, a person whose life has been interrupted and somehow seems to be trapped in the interruption itself.

No life is devoid of interruption.

You follow a path and from time to time the path evades you.

But after a moment, with a bit of fortitude, the path re-emerges.

However, some people's lives can be consumed by that in-between place.

The path disappears and they forget, at times, that it ever existed in the first place.

Is that what's happened with you, Sarah?

You don't seem to us the type to carry around a weapon and shout at folks.

I.

I don't know.

I.

I was studying linguistics at Northwestern, and my profile ended up on somebody's desk, and now I'm.

Now I'm stranded on top of a suburban yelling into a megaphone.

Just as you imagined it would be, I reckon.

Yeah, sure.

I'm sorry.

Who are you?

We should get her in here.

Yeah.

Let's have a talk with her.

Oh, hey, Effie.

Tell her we're ready to negotiate, but only with her.

Sounds good.

Sarah, we are ready to negotiate, but only with you, Steve.

And tell her she has to pull back the barricade.

And you gotta pull back your goon squad as well.

They are making us nervous.

Okay.

Okay, okay, good.

Um, think you're making the right choice.

I, uh,

I can't get off my car.

Life.

Right.

Uh, Sarah, I'm temporarily shutting off the electrified

ground thing.

Okay.

What are we doing?

We're seeing if she wants some enchiladas.

We don't want to be rude.

Everyone, uh, back in your vehicles.

Uh, Pull back the line to the main road.

I'm going in to negotiate.

Sarah seems a little high-strung.

How much do we want to make her brain explode?

Maybe just a little.

I'm on arms.

Sarah!

Hi.

Nice to meet you face to face, Sarah.

Casper, get her some enchiladas.

Agent Murphy, would you like red sauce or green sauce?

I have no idea.

Green sauce.

Green sauce, it is.

How are you doing, Agent Murphy?

Hmm.

You appear to have some very interesting friends, asset seven.

You can just call me Terek.

So it's true.

It is.

I knew it.

What was your plan with him exactly?

Well,

if there's a plan, I wasn't briefed on it.

I just know that a lot of people were very interested in a man who happened to be alive since the 14th century.

It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Enchiladas with green sauce.

Have a seat, Sarah.

We're supposed to be negotiating.

This is how I negotiate.

Okay.

Hi.

You've never negotiated a standoff situation before, have you?

No.

It was part of my training, but this situation is

a little outside of my training parameters.

Seeing as how there's an unclassified heavy weapon on the roof, the ground can be randomly electrified, and there's a man who is older than steam-powered locomotion sitting at this booth.

So I guess

we're kind of winging it.

I'm surprised you haven't called for backup yet.

Where's the rest of Homeland Security?

It's a problem.

There's only three people in the government who know our facility actually exists.

The president, the director, and for some reason, a very rich man in the UAE.

That makes calling for backup a little difficult.

Which is, of course, something I shouldn't have told you.

Have I mentioned I've never negotiated before?

Let me start off the negotiations.

We're not giving up Tarek, and none of us are leaving this diner.

Okay.

You're just going to s stay here?

Yes.

How is that going to work?

Oh, it works.

Trust me.

I don't understand.

Don't worry about it.

But how about you hang out here for a while so you can say you really tried as hard as you could?

Well, uh, what do you plan on doing with Tarek?

I think they're going to eat me.

That's the plan.

Yes.

They say aged meat is the best.

Why are you all treating this like it's a joke?

You are surrounded by Homeland Security.

Are we still not surrounded?

Agent Murphy, let me get something straight.

We're in big trouble.

You are?

For breaking into a government facility.

Yes.

That no one knows exists?

Yes.

How are you going to arrest us for breaking into a place that doesn't exist?

Huh.

Take it from me.

If you operate outside the law, you don't get the protection of it.

I'm sure there's some sort of

something they would do.

I'm sure that something would be throwing us in a deep, dark hole like they did with Tarik.

I don't know, Sarah.

I feel like that just wouldn't sit right with you.

Well,

what am I supposed to do?

Quit your job.

I can't quit my job.

Your Your job sucks, though.

It doesn't sure it does.

Everyone's job sucks.

That's what everyone says when they know they should quit their job.

I did not come here for career advice.

What is happening?

You are all in a

very huge amount of trouble.

Oh, we got trouble.

Right here in River City.

Stop making jokes.

They can.

With a capital T, and that rhymes with P, and that stands for pool.

That stands for pool.

A little annoying sometimes.

Just a bit.

Yes.

Is someone talking through the radio?

Don't worry about it, Sarah.

Listen, we didn't bring you in here to negotiate.

We brought you in here because we felt a little bad.

I think you're out of your element a little, don't you?

Huh?

Should have gone for my master's in linguistics.

Well, that's

debatable, but definitely not the head of security for a super illegal black site.

Maybe not.

Maybe somewhere in between those two.

Hey, Gloria, we're about to turn into a pumpkin.

Okay, it's time to go.

I'm calling my right.

Go, go, go, where?

I'd explain it, but we're short on time.

What?

Just tell them that you tried to negotiate.

The negotiations broke down, and now you're just waiting for the SWAT team or whatever.

This is ridiculous.

Yes,

maybe take that attitude towards most things.

My chop is coming down in the parking lot.

I'm headed out.

Wait, what?

I can't just let you fly away after all this.

You left your gun outside.

What are you going to do?

Subdue me with your 115-pound self?

Ah, to hell with it.

Tarek?

Yes.

Really?

700 years?

Yes.

Anything you learned that you want to share with a confused 34-year-old?

I learned a lot of things.

But then I learned that most of those things were

bullshit.

Okay.

Looks like this is it.

It was great to see you again, Tamara.

It was great to see y'all.

You changed my life.

I would have been bored off my ass if you hadn't come around.

You take care of yourself, Tamara.

Go with God.

I always do.

I'll walk you out.

I'll come too.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna help the helicopter land.

How?

I don't know by waving.

I'll be right back.

Casper.

What?

You are having the time of your life.

I'm telling you while it's happening.

Just so you know.

Good to know.

Hey, so interesting thought of the day.

We wanted to talk to Tarek, and the diner took us right to him.

Yeah.

This place is listening to us.

Yeah.

What?

He's thinking about leaving.

Casper?

Yeah.

How do you know?

Things he's been saying.

He said he wanted to see this through with Clementine.

And when we're done?

Well, if that's that's the case

if that's the case

then that's the case

he's a fucking idiot Ava look

you tracked this place down like a bloodhound

I was on the run from everyone including myself and was thrilled to find this place

Gloria was able to stand there at the door and make a conscious decision to stay or go.

Casper just came in to use the phone.

And then 173 years went by.

Maybe it's a little different for him.

You know, Tamara, Clementine has fucked this world up pretty bad.

It may be past the point of no return.

Are you sure you don't want to come with us?

Find a new place to be?

I've been thinking about it all day.

Might be nice.

Start fresh in a new world?

It's tempting.

One problem in a brand new world.

What?

I'm not rich there.

I like being rich.

It does look nice.

This is my world.

I'm going to write it out until the end.

Somebody should be there to see it.

I get it.

Thank you, Gloria.

Thank you.

Here comes.

Do you want a job?

What?

Do you want a job?

Working for you?

Yes.

Doing what?

Whatever.

We'll think of something.

Yes,

yes, I do.

All right.

Well, leave the badge, but take the gun.

It might come in handy.

Okay,

it's been a really weird day.

Get used to it.

If we end up doing Christmas this year, I'm putting Cool Helicopter at the top of my list.

No, you're not, because it's at the top of mine.

This is fun.

It was.

I got to use the laser saw.

I love that thing.

Oh, shit.

Fuck.

Go get Tara.

Okay.

Clementine, stop.

Listen to me.

I know you're feeling a lot of things right now.

I need your help.

What?

What is it?

Clementine, what's wrong?

Clementine.

Terror.

Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all.

Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens,

just remember we're out there, somewhere, looking for you.

We open at six.

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Midnight Burger, chapter 30, thanks out!

I've been trapped here in a government building extrajudicial.

I knew this word would happen.

Ah, I knew it!

I knew it would happen!

Impossible word.

First blood!

Oh my god.

Thangs out!

I put that word in, and I was like, he is gonna trip on that moment.

I did that.

I know.

I'm doing it privately.

Now I'm doing it publicly.

Skee the Black Diamond.

It's fun.

I've been trapped here in a government building extrajudicial.

Fucker.

Yeah.

Have you?

Extrajudicial.

Have you?

Extrajudicial.

Extra what?

Extrajudicially.

Extrajudicially.

I don't know that I can't.

It's a very, very difficult word.

It is a extrajudicially.

Okay.

It's a black belt word.

We can all handle it.

We're going to be great.

I've been trapped here in a government building extra judicial

Listen Extrajudicially.

Okay, all right, all right.

I've been trapped here in a government building extra judicially.

Okay, here's okay, here's where we elongate the word, right?

Stretch it out as a extra judicially.

Aha.

Do it like that.

Brilliant.

Yeah.

I've been trapped here in a government building extra judicially.

Woo!

Woo!

I mean, that's what throat coat tea is for.

So there you go.

I've been looking for you.

I hired historians.

I paid off local officials.

I went to Kyrgyzstan.

I am so sorry.

Is it Kyrgyzstan?

Kyrgyzstan.

Okay, okay.

I try not to burp directly into the microphone, so my apologies.

I'm gonna find it and edit it out because no, absolutely not.

Even calling it a semi-why?

I feel like homeland secure.

Nope.

Tamara, let me stop you right there.

I've been trapped here in a government building extra judicially.

Here we go.

Welcome back, everybody.

On the next episode of Fiction Judicial.

Woo!

The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

You're juggling a lot, full-time job, side hustle, maybe a family, and now you're thinking about grad school?

That's not crazy.

That's ambitious.

At American Public University, we respect the hustle and we're built for it.

Our flexible online master's programs are made for real life because big dreams deserve a real path.

At APU, the bigger your ambition, the better we fit.

Learn more about our 40-plus career-relevant master's degrees and certificates at apu.apus.edu.