Chapter 30: Fangs Out!

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Speaker 5 Hi, everyone. It's Joe.

Speaker 8 Before we begin, I wanted to extend one final warning that this episode that you're about to hear is not the final episode of Season 3 of Midnight Burger.

Speaker 12 We made an announcement a while back that we are extending season three of Midnight Burger by two episodes.

Speaker 12 So Midnight Burger Season 3 will end on chapter 32 and not chapter 30 that you are about to listen to right now.

Speaker 15 Okay,

Speaker 16 I think now everyone's gotten the message.

Speaker 18 Enjoy the show.

Speaker 9 Previously on Midnight Burger, Leaf's got a gun.

Speaker 19 I'm pockets.

Speaker 20 Clementine has laser hands.

Speaker 18 Leaf's got chemical ice.

Speaker 11 You dropped her in a giant ice cube.

Speaker 14 I did. Clementine doesn't care.

Speaker 22 I'm gonna make you pay for this one.

Speaker 17 And then, what's that up in the sky?

Speaker 19 It's

Speaker 13 Hey! X!

Speaker 21 Who are you? Get away from my friends!

Speaker 20 And then, after all that, what's that up in the sky?

Speaker 8 Is it realization?

Speaker 23 It can't be me.

Speaker 10 With halftime officially called, we take you all the way back to medieval Jerusalem to try and solve the mystery of a 700-year-old man named...

Speaker 21 Who are you?

Speaker 24 I am Tarek of York.

Speaker 16 And in the most unlikeliest of places, this happens.

Speaker 11 I

Speaker 25 love you.

Speaker 10 And I you.

Speaker 7 It ended how I'm sure you imagine it would.

Speaker 25 I have to save you

Speaker 25 by leaving you.

Speaker 11 Because I do

Speaker 26 love you, Tarek of York.

Speaker 13 I will forever. Ah, it just breaks your heart.

Speaker 7 If a 700-year-old man and a delusional space goddess eroding the fabric of space-time can't make it work, who can?

Speaker 15 Let's start the shift.

Speaker 21 Asset seven, please step back from the door.

Speaker 24 I'm nowhere near the door.

Speaker 24 You're not the usual person who brings me lunch.

Speaker 21 I know. Where does it go? On this table?

Speaker 24 That's fine.

Speaker 14 Well, come on.

Speaker 21 It's going to get cold.

Speaker 24 It's usually cold when they serve it.

Speaker 21 Get your ass over here.

Speaker 24 Taco Tuesday again already?

Speaker 11 I guess so.

Speaker 24 So, who are you?

Speaker 2 Tamara.

Speaker 24 Nice to meet you. Isn't it?

Speaker 14 So, what do you do here? Are you the director or something?

Speaker 21 Oh, I don't work here.

Speaker 24 It's hard to tell from inside this room, but I'm pretty sure this place is a secret government facility.

Speaker 21 Oh, it definitely is. Very hard to find.

Speaker 24 And you just walked in?

Speaker 21 Pretty much.

Speaker 24 Once a week, a nurse comes in and takes a blood sample, then a man comes in and questions me. That's happened 50 times, which I think means I've been here about a year.

Speaker 5 Then you show up.

Speaker 21 This must be a nice change of pace.

Speaker 2 It is.

Speaker 24 Also, a strange one.

Speaker 21 Well, I knew some people.

Speaker 24 They must be pretty powerful people.

Speaker 21 I don't know if powerful is the word, but they're the right people.

Speaker 24 And I suppose if I told you I was in here because of a massive case of mistaken identity, that wouldn't help.

Speaker 21 Not with me, it wouldn't.

Speaker 24 Because you know something other people don't?

Speaker 21 Yes.

Speaker 24 What is that?

Speaker 21 You know, I'm a very rich woman.

Speaker 24 I imagine so.

Speaker 21 But I didn't come from money. I was a security guard at a mall when I was young.
But one lucky break and several good investments later, and now I've got my own plane.

Speaker 24 Let me guess. It's one of those red baron planes.
You wear a leather cap and goggles?

Speaker 21 It's a G6,

Speaker 21 and for the past ten years, I have been crisscrossing the globe in it. And why is that? Because sometimes first class just won't do it.

Speaker 24 I mean, why have you been crisscrossing the globe?

Speaker 21 Mind your business.

Speaker 21 But uh,

Speaker 21 deeply strange is the term I would use. At one point, I'm on an island and I don't even know what island I'm on.

Speaker 21 That's a rich person thing, by the way, being on an island and not knowing where the hell you are.

Speaker 21 I'm in the lobby of a hotel looking out over the Mediterranean, and I'm surrounded by just an ungodly amount of these people. The GDP of Europe is in the lobby, okay?

Speaker 21 Anyway, I'm looking all around and I'm thinking, what do they do? What do they do all day?

Speaker 21 I've done very well for myself, but I guess it's the poor kidding me. I still need something to do.

Speaker 24 I thought that's what charities and foundations were for.

Speaker 21 Don't get me wrong, I give my fair share, but there's only so many benefit galas a woman can go to.

Speaker 24 So, how do you fill your time?

Speaker 21 By looking for a man. Not like that.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 21 A very elusive man.

Speaker 24 What's his name?

Speaker 21 That's part of the problem. He's got a lot of them.

Speaker 24 That's confusing.

Speaker 14 He should pick one.

Speaker 21 Oh, he did. Many times.
Talon Lawson, Patrick Jenkins, Tom Webster. That's just in the last 30 years.

Speaker 21 That's not all that unusual, though.

Speaker 21 People on the run, criminals, they have multiple identities all the time. You know the right people, you can be anyone you want.
It starts to get weird after going back 30 years.

Speaker 24 Tamara, let me stop you right there.

Speaker 21 But I'm just getting started.

Speaker 24 I've been trapped here in a government building extra judicially. All the evidence you're about to present to me, I've heard it all before.

Speaker 24 Once a week, at least, someone comes in here and presents me with the same evidence you are about to present me with. And then I say back to them, You're insane.
Because it is insane.

Speaker 24 Accusing me of being a man that is somehow hundreds of years old? This is lunacy, and I think they know it now.

Speaker 24 And I think the only reason I'm still here is because of the size of the lawsuit I am going to bring as soon as they let me call a lawyer.

Speaker 21 I see.

Speaker 21 So we're still keeping up the facade then.

Speaker 17 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 21 Do you know what this place is?

Speaker 24 No, but I like to imagine it somehow being hidden under Disneyland.

Speaker 21 It's not hidden under Disneyland. It's in a business park in Lincoln, Nebraska.

Speaker 24 You're the first person to tell me where I am.

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 21 I probably wasn't supposed to do that, but I don't give a shit.

Speaker 21 They call you an asset.

Speaker 24 Yeah, I know. I don't know why.

Speaker 21 They call you an asset because that's what this place is. You're not the only one they're keeping here.
There are others like you just down the hall. I saw them as I was escorted here.

Speaker 24 Others like me?

Speaker 21 Not exactly like you. Your asset seven, assets one through six are in the same building.
I tried to get the guard to talk to me about it.

Speaker 21 Apparently, one of them can suck the life out of a battery in ten minutes. Another one has a casual relationship with gravity, whatever that means.

Speaker 21 They went through all the trouble to set this place up, and you're telling me that it was all a mistake on their part.

Speaker 24 That's exactly what I am telling you.

Speaker 21 Do you know why I've been crisscrossing the world in my fancy plane for ten years?

Speaker 24 I thought it was none of my business.

Speaker 21 I've been looking for you. I hired historians, I paid off local officials, I went to Kyrgyzstan.
Kyrgyzstan.

Speaker 21 There's nothing in Kyrgyzstan.

Speaker 24 You're right. There's nothing there, including me.

Speaker 21 And I do all that. Ten years of work.
And that brings me to this government facility. And after all that, you're just going to tell me it's all bullshit.

Speaker 24 Ten years. And then you come in here and don't even ask my name?

Speaker 21 I know your name.

Speaker 24 Well then what do you even need me for? You know everything.

Speaker 21 Because I want to hear you say it.

Speaker 24 This is ridiculous. So they just

Speaker 18 they just let you in here.

Speaker 23 How is that even possible?

Speaker 21 I see you've got two tactics in a situation like this. One, get the other person to talk about themselves as much as you can and two,

Speaker 21 lie big. And lie long.
Stick to your story and they'll eventually give up on theirs. Their version of your story is harder to believe in anyway, right?

Speaker 24 I'm surrounded by crazy people.

Speaker 21 This is your own damn fault, you know. You were the one who tipped me off.
I was? You started getting a little squirrely with your name choices in the 19th century.

Speaker 21 Maybe going a little crazy, maybe wanting to get caught just a little bit. I mean, it had been 600 years at that point.
Jay Snoozen? You really expect people to believe that bullshit name?

Speaker 24 Still don't know what you're talking about.

Speaker 21 But the real cry for help was at the turn of the century. A man applies for Irish citizenship.
Terry O'York.

Speaker 24 I've heard this all before, and I'll say the same thing I did then.

Speaker 21 How about the demon of Breitenfeld?

Speaker 21 That wasn't your official name, just the name that they gave you. We had to dig deep for that one.
I'm betting they haven't thrown that name at you yet.

Speaker 21 I'm sorry I had to bring it up. You probably didn't want to hear that right now.

Speaker 24 I don't know what you're talking about.

Speaker 21 What if I I could get you out of here?

Speaker 21 What? I'm too rich to repeat myself. Don't make me.

Speaker 24 You can't.

Speaker 21 How do you know?

Speaker 24 It'll take more than an impressive bank account to get me out of here.

Speaker 21 I've got more than that.

Speaker 24 Also, they're listening to this conversation right now, and you just proposed an escape.

Speaker 21 They're not listening. Of course, they're listening.
No, they're not. They're not listening because I used my impressive bank account to get a private conversation.
See how that works?

Speaker 15 How?

Speaker 21 Don't worry about

Speaker 24 And then where would we I've got a place we can go?

Speaker 24 You're serious, aren't you?

Speaker 21 I am very serious.

Speaker 24 What's in this for you?

Speaker 21 Me.

Speaker 21 Oh, it's been a lifelong journey for me. I need some closure.
It all started a long time ago when I met a strange woman named Clementine.

Speaker 21 I imagine it began about the same way for you.

Speaker 24 Tell me what you know.

Speaker 21 No.

Speaker 24 We have a lot to talk about.

Speaker 21 We do.

Speaker 24 Get me the fuck out of here, then.

Speaker 21 One condition. What? What's your name?

Speaker 21 Your real name.

Speaker 24 My name is Terric of York, son of Tybalt I.

Speaker 24 I was born in Castle Pontefract in the year of our Lord 1371.

Speaker 21 I found you, motherfucker. Yes, you did.
This has been a long time coming, Terek.

Speaker 24 Me getting out of here has also been a long time coming, so what's the plan then?

Speaker 21 You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Speaker 24 As I'm sure you can imagine, I've led a rather extraordinary life. I doubt you can surprise me.

Speaker 21 I don't know. It's been a surprising day so far.
Try me. Well, first of all, those tacos I brought you did not come from the commissary.

Speaker 29 Jesus Christ, what the hell is that?

Speaker 21 Apparently, it's called a laser saw.

Speaker 29 A what?

Speaker 29 Attention, all who can hear my voice. I'm Sebulon Muckawain, here with my wife, Ethan.

Speaker 2 I'm Razzer!

Speaker 21 What the fuck is that? I think we should probably just wait until I can explain everything at once.

Speaker 29 We have been informed that there are many people here who are being held against their will. And we don't like that one bit, y'all.
We say now to your captors,

Speaker 29 the cowering prisoners will soon be set free. They will not die in their dungeon, nor will they lack bread.

Speaker 24 The doors to the cells are all opening except ours.

Speaker 21 They explained this earlier to me today.

Speaker 21 Apparently, they've done a jailbreak or two.

Speaker 24 Who explained it to you?

Speaker 21 A jailbreak comes in three parts, apparently. Insertion, distraction, extraction.
I'm the insertion. That's the distraction.
And now...

Speaker 18 Yailbreak, motherfuckers.

Speaker 32 Holy shit. Hey, hey, Tarek.

Speaker 13 How are things?

Speaker 33 Did you get my note?

Speaker 15 Casper?

Speaker 32 We'll catch up later.

Speaker 34 Your chariot awaits.

Speaker 21 Let's go!

Speaker 7 Where the fuck did the helicopter come from?

Speaker 35 Tamara got it.

Speaker 36 It's cool, right? Apparently it's called Reaper.

Speaker 19 Rich people are wild.

Speaker 36 She said she wanted a helicopter, made one phone call, and then a helicopter showed up.

Speaker 3 Everybody in?

Speaker 34 Here, put a headset on.

Speaker 24 This is insane.

Speaker 21 So, it was the craziest thing.

Speaker 21 I'm bopping all around the globe looking for you for 10 years, and then I finally find you in Lincoln, goddamn Nebraska, and I can't get to you because you're locked away in a black site.

Speaker 21 I'm staying at the Hilton trying to calculate my next move. By the way, the Lincoln, Nebraska Hilton, not recommended.

Speaker 21 So I've reached a point in my life where I really, really hate not getting what I want. And as I'm looking out the window, that's when I see it.
Like God's own love.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Us!

Speaker 10 What?

Speaker 21 Again, let's just wait until we can explain everything all at once.

Speaker 9 Good plan.

Speaker 35 Gloria, can you hear me?

Speaker 37 I can hear you.

Speaker 34 We have secured the football.

Speaker 35 Top normal.

Speaker 34 We have Tarek say hello.

Speaker 37 Hello there, Tarek.

Speaker 1 Who is this?

Speaker 37 I'm Gloria. I'll see you in a few minutes.

Speaker 24 Okay, sure.

Speaker 39 Hey, Casper, are they chasing you?

Speaker 3 Hang on.

Speaker 17 Okay, they're trying to, but they don't have a helicopter, idiots.

Speaker 40 What are we looking at?

Speaker 17 Uh, looks like uh six black suburbans.

Speaker 13 Ooh.

Speaker 37 Feds.

Speaker 37 This will be fun. Uh, important science question:

Speaker 37 Do we get to shoot the big gun?

Speaker 3 The big what?

Speaker 18 Okay, we're coming in for a landing.

Speaker 32 Already? Yeah, we were just down the street.

Speaker 18 Why the hell did you need a helicopter?

Speaker 37 Did he just ask, why the hell did you need a helicopter? Who is this nerd? Never say no to a free helicopter, Turk.

Speaker 16 Okay, we're coming in for a landing in the parking lot.

Speaker 34 The feds aren't far off.

Speaker 37 Lee, are you ready? I'm ready. How serious are we getting with these guys? Bangs out.

Speaker 35 Bangs out. Bangs out time.
Bangs out.

Speaker 37 The prisoners are all freed, y'all. Did somebody say bangs out? Bangs out.

Speaker 10 Where the fuck are you taking me?

Speaker 8 See, this is fun.

Speaker 21 Now I get to watch somebody else go through it. See that parking lot? That's where we're headed.

Speaker 14 Midnight Burger.

Speaker 3 Okay, we're down.

Speaker 13 Everybody into the funhouse.

Speaker 21 Remember, I told you I was a security guard? A long time ago, I was in a pretty weird situation, and then, suddenly, there was a dino.

Speaker 11 Hello there, Terry.

Speaker 24 What is this place?

Speaker 2 I'm Gloria.

Speaker 24 Have a seat. We're being chased by federal agents.

Speaker 14 You want me to order lunch? We got that handled.

Speaker 6 Sit down.

Speaker 12 Where did that helicopter come from, by the way?

Speaker 21 Private security. Don't worry about it.

Speaker 11 Casper, you and Leif get up on the roof and repel the invaders. Okay.

Speaker 2 Oh, hey.

Speaker 23 We should do the floor is lava.

Speaker 15 Ooh.

Speaker 19 Flora's Lava.

Speaker 27 Been a while.

Speaker 13 What?

Speaker 18 A little something from the pre-Ava days. Leaf and I had a few set ways of getting out of a jam.

Speaker 10 Yeah, there was Flora's Lava.

Speaker 39 There was also, That's My Wombat.

Speaker 13 Also, Here Comes Cardinal Richelieu.

Speaker 31 We even had a scheme of our own, didn't we, dear? Yes, we did. Ours was called Biscuits.

Speaker 39 That was a good one.

Speaker 11 Okay, fine. Go die.

Speaker 26 Nuts. I'm torn because I want to do Flora's Lava, but I also want to talk to the old guy.

Speaker 21 We'll save you a seat.

Speaker 35 Okay. Let's go.

Speaker 22 Laura's lava.

Speaker 24 Is it always this ridiculous around here?

Speaker 11 No, actually.

Speaker 11 Sometimes it can be downright depressing. We went through a rough patch a few weeks ago, and we're starting to turn it around now.

Speaker 24 What happened a few weeks ago?

Speaker 11 A few weeks ago, we met a woman named Clementine.

Speaker 11 Ring any bells?

Speaker 24 Start talking.

Speaker 11 I've got to take you way back, Tarek.

Speaker 11 Once upon a time, I answered an ad in Craigslist.

Speaker 21 Here comes the fuzz.

Speaker 41 You know,

Speaker 39 it's important in any relationship to establish clear boundaries.

Speaker 19 Thangs out.

Speaker 19 I feel as though the word fangs does not truly capture the moment.

Speaker 26 This is Zeva with the traffic report. It's rough out there today, everyone.

Speaker 14 Look out on the turnpike where there's a huge pile up of fence, and apparently some whack job has mounted a huge particle cannon on the roof of his diner those automobiles sure were shiny a minute ago weren't they what the hell just happened outside that was our particle cannon particle cannon i didn't believe it when you told me but that was definitely some kind of cannon i need me one what kind of diner has a particle cannon the kind that needs protection from a super powerful terrified toddler i can't believe that story you just told me that doesn't sound like clementine at all

Speaker 24 you're describing an person.

Speaker 21 I was shocked when I heard it myself.

Speaker 11 Tarek, the strangest thing you've ever heard of up to now is you.

Speaker 11 But I'm here to tell you that you, Mr. 700-year-old man, are just a very small part of a much, much weirder universe.

Speaker 11 So, I told you my story.

Speaker 11 Now, why don't you tell me yours? Who is Clementine to you?

Speaker 27 She

Speaker 24 fell from the sky.

Speaker 24 Uh,

Speaker 22 this is

Speaker 45 this is Special Agent Sarah Murphy of Homeland Security. Please disarm your weapon or power it down or whatever and exit the building with your hands up.

Speaker 45 She does not sound confident.

Speaker 26 Not one bit. I feel like the homeland is not secure.

Speaker 2 What do you think?

Speaker 39 Should we exit the building with our hands up?

Speaker 18 I don't know.

Speaker 16 Will there be pizza?

Speaker 13 Let me check. Hey, Agent Murphy, quick question.

Speaker 46 Will there be pizza?

Speaker 46 Uh,

Speaker 9 no.

Speaker 9 Okay, no, then.

Speaker 46 Then we're going to pass.

Speaker 26 That's bullshit. They always give pizzas during a standoff.
Wait, we have the building surrounded.

Speaker 34 Uh, I do not wish to call anyone a liar but there ain't no way this building is surrounded it's maybe half surrounded even calling it a semicircle is generous hey Agent Murphy be honest do you really have the building surrounded

Speaker 34 no

Speaker 46 no not really more like a semicircle right

Speaker 46 it may be a semicircle it's important to be honest in these situations special agent agents.

Speaker 44 Really?

Speaker 45 So, you're gonna be honest about the weapon you have on your roof?

Speaker 31 Honesty is very important, leave.

Speaker 2 You're so right.

Speaker 46 It's a multi-phasic particle cannon.

Speaker 44 Does that help?

Speaker 20 Now, I feel like Agent Murphy's having a bad day.

Speaker 35 Anyone get that sense?

Speaker 26 Maybe she needs a pizza.

Speaker 30 Oh, yeah?

Speaker 26 I thought we were doing Flora's lava.

Speaker 14 We definitely will.

Speaker 18 We've got to wait for them to escalate. Let's annoy them until they escalate.

Speaker 15 Okay, how?

Speaker 16 There's nothing more aggravating than hearing someone's life story.

Speaker 24 I will second that notion.

Speaker 18 This will be fun. Agent Murphy,

Speaker 46 let's get to know each other.

Speaker 46 Let me take you back to Humboldt County, California.

Speaker 11 Seriously? Oh my god, that's so sad.

Speaker 24 I was devastated.

Speaker 21 She just disappeared on you, huh?

Speaker 24 I was ready to give up everything. Forgive anything, and then she was gone.

Speaker 21 That even makes me sad, Tarek. And I hate love stories.

Speaker 24 My time with her was the happiest I've ever been, and the most confused. But the confusion then was nothing compared to the confusion that followed.

Speaker 11 Because Casper sent you a little message.

Speaker 24 That was the start of it, yes.

Speaker 11 Can I just say he did not tell me he was going to do that, and I feel like there was a better version of that plan.

Speaker 21 What did the message say?

Speaker 24 Well, the paper it was written on fully disintegrated about 400 years ago, but it went like this: Dear Tarek of York, I apologize in advance for saying a bunch of things you're not going to understand.

Speaker 24 But I'm writing you this note because I think you may be looking for Clementine.

Speaker 24 If you are, I should tell you that we are too.

Speaker 24 We are Midnight Burger, a time-traveling, dimension-spanning diner. If you try really hard, you might find us, but we'll probably find you first.

Speaker 24 Until then,

Speaker 24 Casper.

Speaker 21 Yeah, that's not not helpful at all.

Speaker 24 I desperately want you to imagine what it's like for a man living in 14th century Jerusalem to receive a note like that.

Speaker 21 Damn.

Speaker 24 Added to that, the note was delivered by

Speaker 11 something.

Speaker 11 That was a friend of ours. We'll explain later.
Keep going, though.

Speaker 24 Well, after the whole experience, I felt like I was... waking up from a dream.
I wondered if it had even happened.

Speaker 24 Things began

Speaker 24 was exactly as you see me now.

Speaker 24 At a certain point, I had to make the choice to leave. Jerusalem was full of suspicion back then.
In the city of God, people are always on the lookout for the devil.

Speaker 24 I began to get some worried looks.

Speaker 24 So, one day I packed up my things and I moved on.

Speaker 24 And that became a pattern for me for

Speaker 24 the rest of my very long life.

Speaker 21 I feel ridiculous asking this question, considering where we are, but how did you become this?

Speaker 24 I've been asking myself that question for about 700 years.

Speaker 26 Tarek,

Speaker 11 when you were with Clementine, did you ever talk about wanting to live a long time or

Speaker 11 wanting to see what the world would be like in the future?

Speaker 24 I practiced alchemy at the time.

Speaker 24 I do remember telling her about the elixir of life, something that alchemists try to pull off. A magical potion that would give you immortality.

Speaker 11 That's what did it.

Speaker 24 That's what did it?

Speaker 21 Yeah. He mentioned immortality one time, and suddenly he lives forever.

Speaker 11 Clementine is incredibly powerful, Tarek.

Speaker 11 She's the most powerful thing we've encountered, and we've seen some shit.

Speaker 11 She does things accidentally, subconsciously. You talked about something important to you, and then she gave it to you without even meaning to.

Speaker 21 I mean, I'm just talking out my ass here, but there may have been something else going on. What? She said she loved you, Tarek, and you loved her, right? I did.
I think she stuck a pin in you.

Speaker 24 What do you mean?

Speaker 21 She's on a mission. That much is clear.
Maybe deep down she knew she was going to have to figure some shit out.

Speaker 21 She knew she was going to have to go, but she also loved you, so so she shoved you in a pickle jar and put you in a shady spot.

Speaker 11 That's right.

Speaker 38 A pickle jar.

Speaker 11 Maybe subconsciously she wanted to make sure she could always come back to you. No matter what.

Speaker 21 Which is real fucked up.

Speaker 11 Real fucked up, but it's human.

Speaker 47 Don't mind me just looking for something.

Speaker 11 What are you looking for?

Speaker 32 Leaf said there was. Here it is.

Speaker 35 Electrodes.

Speaker 26 That's what those are.

Speaker 32 Yeah, we're setting up things.

Speaker 13 Oh, uh, Leaf says, don't worry about the tear gas.

Speaker 11 The tear gas?

Speaker 27 Yeah, don't worry.

Speaker 25 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 24 Sure.

Speaker 24 They don't seem concerned at all that we're surrounded by federal agents.

Speaker 11 We've been slogging through some pretty difficult situations, so when we landed here and all we had to do was a jailbreak and a standoff with federal agents, that's kind of a day off for us.

Speaker 46 That's the story of how I made my first piezoelectric transducer.

Speaker 45 Jesus Christ, enough already. This is your final warning.

Speaker 11 Oh, no.

Speaker 31 Should I say a prayer? In her defense, that story was like watching grass grow.

Speaker 46 We'll never give in, Agent Murphy. We don't think you have the guts to do something drastic.

Speaker 31 Fine!

Speaker 41 Dear gas pot a guys are as predictable as the Teds. Gas masks!

Speaker 41 Okay,

Speaker 41 let's wait for a second.

Speaker 26 Um, how does this lead to the floor being lava?

Speaker 41 Funny, you should say that.

Speaker 16 Okay, Ava, we are now in phase whatever of the floor is lava.

Speaker 40 You and I are gonna go downstairs and start inserting these electrodes into the ground.

Speaker 26 We're going to electrify the ground?

Speaker 40 Something like that.

Speaker 9 Come on. All right.

Speaker 10 Okay, Mucklewain,

Speaker 39 we're going to put on a little show. You ready?

Speaker 31 I suppose.

Speaker 2 What kind of show are we putting on?

Speaker 39 I'm putting you by the microphone.

Speaker 16 Follow my lead.

Speaker 16 Oh, no!

Speaker 46 Tear gas! My eyes! Oh no!

Speaker 46 Oh, it's terrible!

Speaker 46 How dare you use tear gas on us, Agent Murphy?

Speaker 48 It didn't have to go down this way, Lee.

Speaker 44 Yes, of course.

Speaker 46 Because government agencies hate using tear gas so much.

Speaker 45 I respect your ability to make jokes while choking to death, Leaf, but it's time to surrender and exit the building.

Speaker 44 Okay,

Speaker 46 we need time to discuss while somehow avoiding clouds of poisonous gas.

Speaker 48 Okay.

Speaker 46 We'll get right back to you.

Speaker 46 What?

Speaker 34 Okay, they can't see us through the clouds of tear gas.

Speaker 40 Take some electrodes and shove them into the ground.

Speaker 26 I'm not convinced of the science parts of this plan. Don't worry about it.

Speaker 9 Last time we did this, we were on a planet called Rudra.

Speaker 40 The whole planet was under the control of a weird cult leader named Kyle of Light and his wife, Sunny D. Anomaly.
It took them about five minutes to identify us as some sort of demonic presence.

Speaker 26 Yeah, that tends to happen when you suddenly materialize in the town square.

Speaker 40 And believe it or not, it wasn't because we suddenly appeared out of nowhere, it was because we served meat. Huh.
They were all vegan.

Speaker 40 Anyway, the people of Rudra, not unlike our friends from Homeland Security, were pretty dumb.

Speaker 38 So, Flora's lava went off pretty well.

Speaker 26 Why does it sound like things were a lot of fun here until I showed up?

Speaker 49 That's not true.

Speaker 26 You had little schemes with fun names. You didn't do any of that around me.

Speaker 40 We did all kinds of ridiculous shit after you got here. You got drunk with Kentucky coal miners.

Speaker 44 I guess.

Speaker 40 And look, I'm describing it as fun, but

Speaker 40 I only knew that after the fact. I only know that now.

Speaker 40 Back then, my biggest objective was to be miserable, so I never noticed that it was fun. Nobody ever tells you you're having the time of your life.
You only realize that after it's over.

Speaker 26 So then I showed up and ended the time of your life.

Speaker 6 No, look,

Speaker 16 it was pretty infantile when it was me and Leaf, okay?

Speaker 18 You showed up and you had ideas about the diner and physics and time and space and all that garbage.

Speaker 26 You're making me sound like a party pooper.

Speaker 7 No, you're not at all a party pooper, but honestly, sometimes the party needs to be pooped.

Speaker 40 And sometimes there's no one around to poop the party that is desperately in need of pooping.

Speaker 49 It was an improvement.

Speaker 40 Even though you would do things like throw rocks at me and call me a bedwetter, it got more grown up.

Speaker 30 I liked it.

Speaker 26 I am very mature.

Speaker 30 You are.

Speaker 26 Now, let's finish pulling this practical joke on these federal agents. Okay.
You two! There!

Speaker 16 Don't move! Okay, we really need to sell this, okay?

Speaker 38 Sell what?

Speaker 13 Damn it!

Speaker 7 We've been discovered! Oh no!

Speaker 26 How did they possibly see us here 100 feet away from them?

Speaker 45 Stay where you are. We're taking you into custody.

Speaker 46 Uh, excuse me, Agent Murphy. Nobody's being taken into custody unless they want to feel the business end of a particle camera.

Speaker 50 Thank God Leaf is here to save us.

Speaker 49 Yes.

Speaker 26 Thanks, God.

Speaker 50 Ava, now that we've set up the devices,

Speaker 50 let's retreat back to the building.

Speaker 26 Oh, I'm very excited about the devices.

Speaker 37 Devices?

Speaker 46 What devices? Leaf, what are you doing?

Speaker 26 There is no way those electrodes are going to be able to send a current through the entire ground.

Speaker 13 That's the secret genius of the floor is lava.

Speaker 24 Just like the children's game, the floor is not actually lava.

Speaker 26 Oh, you're not actually electrifying the ground.

Speaker 14 Not at all.

Speaker 2 Watch this.

Speaker 46 I tried to work with you on this, Agent Murphy.

Speaker 46 I tried to be a nice guy, but then you lost tear gas at me.

Speaker 18 It's actually the second time he said that to a woman.

Speaker 46 We have placed devices in the ground.

Speaker 46 In a few seconds, I'm going to send an ungodly amount of voltage through the ground itself. The only thing that can save you now is the vulcanized rubber tires of your suburbans.

Speaker 48 Bullshit. Sarah.

Speaker 46 We hacked your system and let all your prisoners loose.

Speaker 46 We cut through your wall in seconds with a laser saw. I dug a three-foot deep trench in the ground with my particle cannon.
You think I can't send bolts of electricity through the ground?

Speaker 46 Fucking goddamn it! Everybody up! Up on top of your vehicles right now!

Speaker 15 Move!

Speaker 18 Ava, turn on the washer-dryer!

Speaker 22 Hilarious.

Speaker 37 We have activated the device!

Speaker 48 You just saved your lives by getting up on your cars

Speaker 2 because

Speaker 14 the floor is lava.

Speaker 22 Floor is lava.

Speaker 4 Did you know you can opt out of winter? With Verbo, save up to $1,500 for booking a month-long stay. With thousands of sunny homes, why subject yourself to the cold?

Speaker 4 Just filter your search by monthly stays and save up to $1,500. Book now at Verbo.com.

Speaker 24 Why have they all gotten up on their cars?

Speaker 21 I'm guessing this is what they meant by Flora's lava.

Speaker 24 Not to ruin the party you all seem to be having, but I do tend to take the long view on things. How exactly are we going to get out of this situation?

Speaker 11 That problem will solve itself, trust me.

Speaker 11 But since we're talking about the long view, we should probably talk about why we broke you out of prison.

Speaker 27 Okay.

Speaker 11 We didn't know what your deal was exactly. You could have just been someone who bumped into Clementine one time, but

Speaker 11 we kind of hit the jackpot with you, Tarek.

Speaker 21 You were in love with each other.

Speaker 24 Yes.

Speaker 11 And I don't want to exploit that.

Speaker 11 But I also totally want to exploit that.

Speaker 24 What do you mean?

Speaker 11 We've got a lot of reasons to be upset with Clementine.

Speaker 11 A lot.

Speaker 11 But I think the last time we went went up against her, we may have knocked some sense into her.

Speaker 11 And I think if the reality of her situation is about to crash down on her, it's going to be rough.

Speaker 11 And considering how little control she has over her emotions and her power, it could be fucking disastrous. Her emotional breakdown could mean a breakdown of reality.

Speaker 21 People could get hurt. Seeing a friendly face might prevent that.

Speaker 24 You think you may see her again.

Speaker 11 We're definitely going to see her again.

Speaker 11 We really think you should be here when we do.

Speaker 24 I don't think that would have the effect you think it would.

Speaker 11 Why?

Speaker 2 Gloria, it's

Speaker 24 been 700 years. I've lived a thousand lifetimes.
Tamara has a long list of all the people I've been. It's been strange and confusing, sometimes wonderful and

Speaker 24 and terrifying. And you're telling me that she

Speaker 24 she could have shown up at any time through all that, and

Speaker 24 she just didn't.

Speaker 24 I wouldn't be able to do that to someone I care about, which must mean Tarek.

Speaker 21 When I said she stuck a pin in you, that's all subconscious. She doesn't know that she did this to you.
As far as she knows, you lived and died in Jerusalem.

Speaker 24 Well, she could have come back to me then. She didn't.

Speaker 24 She left and never came back. And you think that I'm going to have some sort of

Speaker 24 fix things somehow that she may not even remember me.

Speaker 11 Tarek, it's been 700 years for you,

Speaker 2 not her.

Speaker 11 But I get it. You can't...
imagine treating someone this way, not someone you truly love.

Speaker 11 We want people to love us the same way we love them.

Speaker 11 You wanted her to stay and she didn't.

Speaker 47 She left you.

Speaker 11 And the easiest thing to say is that she never loved or cared about you at all. And you feel that way because you would never do that to her.
You'd never leave her.

Speaker 27 I wouldn't.

Speaker 11 You can't hold her to that because she's not you. Everybody's different and everybody loves loves differently.
It's hard to understand that about people, but you can't demand that people act like you.

Speaker 21 She wrote you a letter saying she was turning into a monster, she couldn't let you see that.

Speaker 11 And maybe she didn't come back because she wasn't done being a monster.

Speaker 11 But I think she's just about done with it.

Speaker 11 I think she's about to stop, and I think you should be there to see it.

Speaker 11 She may need you.

Speaker 21 God damn it. I know.

Speaker 33 Somebody call FEMA because the floor is lava.

Speaker 21 What the hell did y'all do out there?

Speaker 34 Floor is lava completely encapsulates Leaf as a person because it is 50% technological brilliance.

Speaker 26 And 50%

Speaker 26 total horseshit.

Speaker 35 How I like it.

Speaker 39 They'll be stuck on top of their cars for a while, and the cannon is on sentry mode, so nobody's going anywhere.

Speaker 11 I'm glad you're here, actually, because we're about to do the hard part.

Speaker 35 Okay, let's get comfortable.

Speaker 24 What is the hard part?

Speaker 2 Ava.

Speaker 26 Hi there, Tarek. Here's how this works.
Clementine,

Speaker 26 just by being around, damages the fabric of space-time. And that damage manifests itself in

Speaker 26 all sorts of ways, like a mouthful of zombies or asteroids that can only be seen by half the people of Earth.

Speaker 24 Wait, you're saying Ashley the asteroid was because of her?

Speaker 21 Yes. Did you see it?

Speaker 24 I saw it. Did you see it?

Speaker 21 Yes. That was her Terric.

Speaker 26 Jesus. Without going too much into it, Ashley the asteroid was just a byproduct of something much bigger.
And she did all of that completely by accident.

Speaker 26 She had a conversation with two astrophysicists in a pub in London, and then, suddenly in the sky, was an asteroid. How?

Speaker 26 Our current understanding is that we see this damage to space-time a lot, but Clementine's different because she's not just a victim of the damage, but can also spread the damage.

Speaker 26 Casper had a good analogy for this: Typhoid Mary.

Speaker 24 I remember those days. That's why I left New York.

Speaker 26 What we've also come to understand is that this diner, this ridiculous

Speaker 26 exist place,

Speaker 26 it somehow heals the damage.

Speaker 26 And some of that damage is in you, Tarek.

Speaker 26 That damage is what made you a 700-year-old man.

Speaker 26 If you stay with us while we wait for Clementine, the diner is going to fix that damage. If you stay here long enough, when you go back out there into

Speaker 26 whatever world you choose, you will probably start to age again for the first time in a very long time.

Speaker 24 I see.

Speaker 24 To die.

Speaker 26 Yes.

Speaker 26 To die.

Speaker 11 It's a big decision, Tarek.

Speaker 7 Just real quick, have we confirmed that once the diner heals him, the years aren't going to suddenly rush at him and turn him into dust?

Speaker 26 No, that's not going to happen.

Speaker 14 How do we know?

Speaker 26 Because that would be stupid.

Speaker 21 Well, I see.

Speaker 26 Science. You're not allowed to say science.
Nobody said you could say science.

Speaker 11 So, as you can see, this is a pretty big ask, Tarek.

Speaker 39 And we're not here to force you to do anything.

Speaker 24 To die.

Speaker 11 Look, we have several hours left of this standoff with Homeland Security.

Speaker 11 Take a minute.

Speaker 11 I'm going to go get the enchiladas out of the oven.

Speaker 11 Do you want some enchiladas?

Speaker 7 Sure.

Speaker 11 Okay.

Speaker 27 Yeah, sure.

Speaker 24 What's this?

Speaker 31 Tarek.

Speaker 31 Pleased to make your acquaintance. I'm Zebulon Mucklewain, here with my wife, Effie.
Hi, Tarek.

Speaker 14 What's happening right now?

Speaker 21 Oh, there's a couple of Southern Baptist ministers inside the radio, and they talk to you sometimes.

Speaker 30 Sure.

Speaker 31 This may seem a bit self-serving at first, Tarek, but I wish to frame your predicament in a certain light, so do bear with us.

Speaker 24 Self-serving how

Speaker 30 can you tell me of Jerusalem?

Speaker 30 Oh,

Speaker 24 it was a wonderful place.

Speaker 24 Probably Probably the last place I felt truly at home.

Speaker 24 Back then it was controlled by the Mamluks,

Speaker 24 Egyptians.

Speaker 24 I can't say that they returned the city to its former glory, but they did revive a tradition of sharing that Saladin brought in when he took the city back from the Christians.

Speaker 24 All faiths there were very separate, but they did manage to find a way to share the city. To worship separately, but also side by side.

Speaker 24 The image of the Tower of David framed by the sunset.

Speaker 24 I've kept that with me for seven centuries.

Speaker 24 It was a dream of mine to go there one day.

Speaker 31 To walk the same path as Jesus and all the others.

Speaker 31 I admit I'm a bit envious of your memories.

Speaker 24 I thought about returning from time to time, but

Speaker 24 it wouldn't be the same.

Speaker 24 Not without her.

Speaker 21 Yeah, quick update, y'all. Tarek and Clementine were a thing.

Speaker 35 Like a thing thing?

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 24 You sound surprised.

Speaker 39 Surprised you survived.

Speaker 31 Tarek, a while back, we met someone,

Speaker 31 a fugitive whose homeland had been destroyed. They stayed with us until a more suitable home could be found.

Speaker 43 They were a tree.

Speaker 40 I'm sorry?

Speaker 30 A tree.

Speaker 51 Their name was Shell.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 31 Shell was always listening and learning from us,

Speaker 31 and from time to time had insight into our lives that would belie

Speaker 31 their youth.

Speaker 31 They once described all of us as fugitives like they were,

Speaker 31 but in a deeper, more spiritual sense.

Speaker 31 We can all recall a time when our lives seemed in harmony with the Holy Spirit, a time when our lives seemed to keep pace with the Sun and there was a blessed synchronicity in all things.

Speaker 30 And then

Speaker 31 we can all recall that time

Speaker 31 ending.

Speaker 31 We each have our own Garden of Eden and are, all of us, cast out from it. And we spend the rest of our time on earth trying to somehow return to that place.

Speaker 31 And that journey back becomes

Speaker 31 a life

Speaker 31 in full.

Speaker 31 Perhaps, just perhaps,

Speaker 31 the gates are beginning to swing wide on your Garden of Eden, Tarek.

Speaker 31 Perhaps our presence here is that

Speaker 31 very rare

Speaker 31 call to come back home.

Speaker 24 I imagine if I saw Jerusalem or Clementine again, it wouldn't be the same.

Speaker 24 So much has changed.

Speaker 24 It wouldn't feel like coming back home.

Speaker 43 Well, I imagine you were able to get a bit of reading done over the centuries, Tarek.

Speaker 24 I was. Any T.

Speaker 43 S. Elliot?

Speaker 24 Oh, I see.

Speaker 24 And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started.

Speaker 43 And to know that place for the first time.

Speaker 24 There's this embarrassing part of myself that I've never been able to shake.

Speaker 24 Over the centuries, I've become cynical about so many things, and yet

Speaker 24 somewhere deep down is still that medieval romantic,

Speaker 24 that part of me that would give

Speaker 24 anything just to see your face again.

Speaker 24 Well, that's nothing to be embarrassed about, Tarek.

Speaker 43 We're all a bunch of cynics here. It's a breath of fresh air to hear someone just say what they're feeling without any of the nonsense that's usually wrapped around it.

Speaker 11 Enchiladas on the counter, everybody.

Speaker 11 So, what's it going to be, Tarek?

Speaker 24 Casper, why did you send me that message? What did you expect me to do?

Speaker 47 Okay, look, we've got 12 hours every time we stop, and we have to make decisions on the fly.

Speaker 18 Sometimes we don't make the best decisions.

Speaker 16 Sometimes I don't make the best decisions.

Speaker 20 I was winging it.

Speaker 14 I don't know.

Speaker 9 At first, I was wondering if you were another Clementine, that there were two of her out there. But then I thought,

Speaker 16 what if you were just a guy?

Speaker 7 Just a guy in medieval Jerusalem who stumbled into Clementine one day and then all of a sudden had no expiration date.

Speaker 9 What if he's wandering out there, confused?

Speaker 8 What if he

Speaker 9 feels alone?

Speaker 7 What if he feels the years piling up on him?

Speaker 16 What if it's driving him crazy?

Speaker 8 I have some experience with this.

Speaker 7 Human beings aren't built for a lot of years like that.

Speaker 2 I

Speaker 16 wondered if you needed a hand.

Speaker 16 I wondered if maybe you wanted off the merry-go-round.

Speaker 26 What are you talking about?

Speaker 11 We can't know what this is like for you, Tarek.

Speaker 11 You need to ask yourself if it's time.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 24 this is the first time in about 200 years that I haven't been bored.

Speaker 38 So,

Speaker 24 yes, I'll do it.

Speaker 13 Good. Excellent.

Speaker 18 You're gonna love getting old, Tarek.

Speaker 26 Like you would know.

Speaker 26 Attention in the building.

Speaker 45 I can see you all in there.

Speaker 22 Are you are are you having enchilada?

Speaker 43 I need to talk to this one, too. Casper, put us up by the microphone at the cash register.

Speaker 14 Here we go.

Speaker 21 Damn, I forgot they were there.

Speaker 45 I would like to talk to Sarah, please.

Speaker 43 Sarah, get on the horse.

Speaker 48 Hello?

Speaker 31 Hello, Sarah.

Speaker 43 This is Effie Mucklewain.

Speaker 44 Who? Sarah,

Speaker 43 what are you doing with this life of yours, dear?

Speaker 45 What what what what am I doing with my life?

Speaker 43 That is my question, yes.

Speaker 22 I'm

Speaker 45 I'm an agent for the Department of Homeland Security.

Speaker 43 That is a title, Sarah.

Speaker 43 What are you doing?

Speaker 45 I'm in charge of security for a specialized You're taking people and locking them in cages.

Speaker 43 Isn't that right?

Speaker 45 I mean,

Speaker 45 yeah.

Speaker 43 Is this how you imagined it all working out for you, Sarah?

Speaker 43 Well.

Speaker 22 No. Sarah.

Speaker 51 Zebulon Muckleway in here.

Speaker 51 From time to time, we'll meet a person such as yourself. A person whose life has been interrupted and somehow seems to be trapped in the interruption itself.

Speaker 51 No life is devoid of interruption.

Speaker 31 You follow a path, and from time to time, the path evades you.

Speaker 51 But after a moment, with a bit of fortitude, the path re-emerges.

Speaker 51 However, some people's lives can be consumed by that in-between place.

Speaker 51 The path disappears, and they forget, at times, that it ever existed in the first place.

Speaker 48 Is that what's happened with you, Sarah?

Speaker 43 You don't seem to us the type to carry around a weapon and shout at folks. I.

Speaker 45 I don't know. I

Speaker 45 was studying linguistics at Northwestern, and my profile ended up on somebody's desk, and now I'm

Speaker 45 now stranded on top of a suburban yelling into a megaphone.

Speaker 43 Just as you imagined it would be, I reckon. Yeah, sure.

Speaker 26 I'm sorry. Who are you?

Speaker 11 We should get her in here.

Speaker 21 Yeah, let's have a talk with her.

Speaker 26 Oh, hey, Effie, tell her we're ready to negotiate, but only with her. Sounds good.

Speaker 47 Sarah, we are ready to negotiate, but only with you, dear.

Speaker 26 And tell her she has to pull back the barricade.

Speaker 43 And you gotta pull back your goon squad as well. They are making us nervous.
Okay.

Speaker 43 Okay, okay, good.

Speaker 45 Um, think you're making the right choice.

Speaker 45 I, uh,

Speaker 45 I can't get off my car, Lafe.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 Uh, Sarah,

Speaker 37 I'm temporarily shutting off the the electrified

Speaker 37 ground thing.

Speaker 11 Okay. What are we doing? We're seeing if she wants some enchiladas.
We don't want to be rude. Everyone, back in your vehicles.

Speaker 45 Pull back the line to the main road.

Speaker 45 I'm going in to negotiate.

Speaker 32 Sarah seems a little high-strung.

Speaker 9 How much do we want to make her brain explode?

Speaker 11 Maybe just a little.

Speaker 22 I'm on arms.

Speaker 11 Hi. Nice to meet you face to face, Sarah.
Casper, get her some enchiladas.

Speaker 18 Agent Murphy, would you like red sauce or green sauce?

Speaker 21 I have no idea.

Speaker 11 Green sauce.

Speaker 18 Green sauce, it is.

Speaker 24 How are you doing, Agent Murphy?

Speaker 52 You appear to have some very interesting friends, asset seven.

Speaker 24 You can just call me Tarek.

Speaker 52 So it's true.

Speaker 2 It is. I knew it.

Speaker 26 What was your plan with him exactly? Well,

Speaker 52 if there's a plan, huh? I wasn't briefed on it. I just know that a lot of people were very interested in a man who happened to be alive since the 14th century.

Speaker 24 It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Speaker 18 Enchiladas with green sauce.

Speaker 11 Have a seat, Sarah. We're supposed to be negotiating.
This is how I negotiate.

Speaker 49 Kay.

Speaker 21 Hi. You've never negotiated a standoff situation before, have you? No.

Speaker 52 It was part of my training, but this situation is

Speaker 52 a little outside of my training parameters.

Speaker 52 Seeing as how there's an unclassified heavy weapon on the roof, the ground can be randomly electrified, and there's a man who is older than steam-powered locomotion sitting at this booth.

Speaker 52 So I guess uh

Speaker 52 what kind of wing in it?

Speaker 21 I'm surprised you haven't called for backup yet. Where's the rest of Homeland Security?

Speaker 49 It's a problem.

Speaker 52 There's only three people in the government who know our facility actually exists. The president, the director, and for some reason, a very rich man in the UAE.

Speaker 52 That makes calling for backup a little difficult.

Speaker 52 Which is, of course, something I shouldn't have told you.

Speaker 18 Have I mentioned I've never negotiated before?

Speaker 11 Let me start off the negotiations.

Speaker 11 We're not giving up Tarek, and none of us are leaving this diner.

Speaker 49 Okay.

Speaker 52 You're just going to stay here?

Speaker 21 Yes.

Speaker 52 How is that going to work?

Speaker 13 Oh, it works.

Speaker 52 Trust me. I don't understand.

Speaker 11 Don't worry about it. But how about you hang out here for a while so you can say you really tried as hard as you could? Well,

Speaker 52 uh, what what do you plan on doing with Tarek?

Speaker 24 I think they're going to eat me.

Speaker 11 That's the plan.

Speaker 21 Yes. They say aged meat is the best.

Speaker 52 Why are you all treating this like it's a joke?

Speaker 52 You are surrounded by Homeland Security.

Speaker 19 Are we still not surrounded?

Speaker 21 Agent Murphy, let me get something straight. We're in big trouble.

Speaker 26 You are?

Speaker 21 For breaking into a government facility.

Speaker 21 Yes. That no one knows exists?

Speaker 21 Yes. How are you going to arrest us for breaking into a place that doesn't exist?

Speaker 9 Huh.

Speaker 39 Take it from me.

Speaker 18 If you operate outside the law, you don't get the protection of it.

Speaker 52 I'm sure there's some sort of

Speaker 52 something.

Speaker 52 they would do.

Speaker 21 I'm sure that something would be throwing us in a deep, dark hole like they did with Tarek.

Speaker 11 I don't know, Sarah. I feel like that just wouldn't sit right with you.

Speaker 49 Well

Speaker 52 what am I supposed to do?

Speaker 13 Quit your job.

Speaker 26 I can't quit my job. Your job sucks though.

Speaker 19 It doesn't sure it does.

Speaker 52 Everyone's job sucks.

Speaker 16 That's what everyone says when they know they should quit their job.

Speaker 52 I did not come here for career advice. What is happening?

Speaker 52 You are all in a very

Speaker 52 huge amount of trouble.

Speaker 35 Oh, we got trouble.

Speaker 26 Right here in River City.

Speaker 52 Stop making jokes.

Speaker 50 They can't.

Speaker 33 With a capital T, and that rhymes with P, and that stands for pool.

Speaker 35 That stands for pool.

Speaker 11 A little annoying sometimes.

Speaker 30 Just a bit. Yes.

Speaker 52 Is someone talking through the radio?

Speaker 11 Don't worry about it, Sarah. Listen, we didn't bring you in here to negotiate.
We brought you in here because we felt a little bad. I think you're out of your element a little, don't you?

Speaker 2 Huh?

Speaker 52 Should have gone for my master's in linguistics.

Speaker 11 Well, that's debatable, but definitely not the head of security for a super illegal black site.

Speaker 52 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 21 Maybe not. Maybe somewhere in between those two.

Speaker 39 Hey, Gloria, we're about to turn into a pumpkin.

Speaker 11 Okay, it's time to go.

Speaker 21 I'm calling my right. Go.

Speaker 52 Go where?

Speaker 11 I'd explain it, but we're short on time. What?

Speaker 11 Just tell them that you tried to negotiate. The negotiations broke down, and now you're just waiting for the SWAT team or whatever.

Speaker 52 This is ridiculous.

Speaker 21 Yes.

Speaker 11 Maybe take take that attitude towards most things.

Speaker 21 My chopper's coming down in the parking lot. I'm headed out.

Speaker 23 Wait, what?

Speaker 52 I can't just let you fly away after all this.

Speaker 21 You left your gun outside. What are you gonna do? Subdue me with your 115-pound self?

Speaker 52 Ah, to hell with it. Tarek?

Speaker 24 Yes.

Speaker 52 Really?

Speaker 52 700 years?

Speaker 24 Yes.

Speaker 21 Anything you learned that you want to share with a confused 34-year-old?

Speaker 24 I learned a lot of things.

Speaker 24 But then I learned that most of those things were

Speaker 2 bullshit. Okay.

Speaker 4 Looks like this is it.

Speaker 41 It was great to see you again, Tamara.

Speaker 21 It was great to see y'all. You changed my life.
I would have been bored off my ass if you hadn't come around. You take care of yourself, Tamara.
Go with God.

Speaker 11 I always do. I'll walk you out.
I'll come too.

Speaker 14 What are you doing? I'm gonna help the helicopter land.

Speaker 11 How?

Speaker 34 I don't know by waving.

Speaker 14 I'll be right back. Casper! What?

Speaker 26 You are having the time of your life.

Speaker 26 I'm telling you while it's happening.

Speaker 26 Just so you know.

Speaker 9 Good to know.

Speaker 18 Hey, so interesting thought of the day.

Speaker 39 We wanted to talk to Tarek, and the diner took us right to him.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 39 This place is listening to us.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 26 What? He's thinking about leaving.

Speaker 19 Casper?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 39 How do you know?

Speaker 26 Things he's been saying.

Speaker 39 He said he wanted to see this through with Clementine.

Speaker 26 And when we're done?

Speaker 41 Well, if that's the case.

Speaker 19 If that's the case,

Speaker 41 then that's the case.

Speaker 26 He's a fucking idiot.

Speaker 2 Ava, look.

Speaker 39 You tracked this place down like a bloodhound.

Speaker 39 I was on the run from everyone, including myself, and was thrilled to find this place.

Speaker 39 Gloria was able to stand there at the door and make a conscious decision to stay or go.

Speaker 39 Casper just came in to use the phone.

Speaker 39 And then 173 years went by.

Speaker 18 Maybe it's a little different for him.

Speaker 11 You know, Tamara, Clementine has fucked this world up pretty bad. It may be past the point of no return.
Are you sure you don't want to come with us? Find a new place to be?

Speaker 21 I've been thinking about it all day. Might be nice.
Start fresh in a new world? It's tempting. One problem in a brand new world?

Speaker 15 What?

Speaker 21 I'm not rich there.

Speaker 11 I like being rich. It does look nice.

Speaker 21 This is my world. I'm going to write it out until the end.
Somebody should be there to see it.

Speaker 11 I get it.

Speaker 21 Thank you, Gloria.

Speaker 11 Thank you.

Speaker 9 Here it comes.

Speaker 21 Do you want a job? What? Do you want a job?

Speaker 45 Working for you?

Speaker 21 Yes. Doing what? Whatever.
We'll think of something.

Speaker 22 Yes.

Speaker 22 Yes, I do. All right.

Speaker 21 Well, leave the badge, but take the gun. It might come in handy.
Okay.

Speaker 21 It's been a really weird day. Get used to it.

Speaker 7 If we end up doing Christmas this year, I'm putting cool helicopter at the top of my list.

Speaker 11 No, you're not, because it's at the top of mine.

Speaker 53 This is fun.

Speaker 21 It was.

Speaker 34 I got to use the laser saw.

Speaker 11 I love that thing.

Speaker 35 Oh shit, go get Terra. Okay.

Speaker 11 Clementine,

Speaker 11 stop.

Speaker 11 Listen to me. I know you're feeling a lot of things right now.

Speaker 21 I need your help.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 11 What is it? Clementine, what's wrong?

Speaker 24 Clementine.

Speaker 22 Terror.

Speaker 22 Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all.

Speaker 43 Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

Speaker 31 And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens.

Speaker 44 Just remember, we're out there somewhere looking for you.

Speaker 44 We open at six.

Speaker 23 Midnight Burger is made possible in part by your Monte Cristo level and above supporters.

Speaker 23 Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, Second Bethany, Megan Mighty, Siobhan Delilah Rose, Dan Bowman, Big Sexy, Casper's number one fan, Stu, Tess Bart, Nan McVicker, Rusty Accord, a bug named Nat, Mothra Stewart, Hicks Besi Mates, Daniel L, Mitzi Lou, Life is Liminal, The Art Sherpa, G.

Speaker 7 Longhorn, Lucrezia, Amy Pollard, Zehoni Vida, Brick Hausdorff, The Waiting Pool Pirates, Past Prologue, Little Ball of Odd, Dr.

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Speaker 23 D. Fox, Matt Mosby, Nicole Colonjello, J.
Way Mythical, The Real Dirt Fairy, Haya Buddha, Rubies, Lady Karma, Amar J.

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Speaker 32 Midnight Burger, Chapter 30. Thanks out!

Speaker 24 I've been trapped here in a government building extrajudicial.

Speaker 2 I knew this word would happen.

Speaker 13 Ah, I knew it. I knew it would happen.

Speaker 15 It's an impossible word. First blood.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. That's rude.

Speaker 14 Bangs out.

Speaker 16 I put that word in, and I was like, he is going to trip on that motherfucker.

Speaker 18 I did that.

Speaker 24 I knew it privately, and now I'm doing it publicly.

Speaker 35 Skee the black diamond.

Speaker 36 It's fun.

Speaker 24 I've been trapped here in a government building extrajudicial.

Speaker 2 Fucker. Yeah.
Have you?

Speaker 24 Extra judicial. Have you? Extra judicial.

Speaker 2 Extra what? Extrajudicially.

Speaker 24 Extrajudicially.

Speaker 14 I don't know if that came from. It's very, very difficult for me.

Speaker 24 It is a extrajudicially.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 17 It's a black belt word.

Speaker 24 We can all handle it.

Speaker 2 We're going to be great.

Speaker 24 I've been trapped here in a government building extrajudicial.

Speaker 15 Listen.

Speaker 24 Extrajudicially.

Speaker 38 Okay, all right, all right.

Speaker 24 I've been trapped here in a government building extra judicial.

Speaker 15 Okay, here's

Speaker 3 a way. Great.

Speaker 34 Elongate the word, right? Stretch it out as an extra judicially.

Speaker 2 Aha.

Speaker 27 Love it. Do it like that.

Speaker 2 Brilliant. Yeah.

Speaker 24 I've been trapped here in a government building extrajudicially. Woo! Woo!

Speaker 21 I mean, that's what throat coat tea is for. So there you go.

Speaker 21 I've been looking for you.

Speaker 21 I hired historians. I paid off local officials.
I went to Kyrgyzstan. I am so sorry.
Is it Kyrgyzstan?

Speaker 21 Kyrgyzstan. Okay, okay.

Speaker 21 I try not to burp directly into the microphone, so my apologies. I'm gonna find it and edit it out because no, absolutely not.

Speaker 26 Even calling it a summit.

Speaker 26 Why? I feel like homeland secure. Nope.

Speaker 24 Tamara, let me stop you right there.

Speaker 24 I've been trapped here in a government building extra judicially.

Speaker 18 Here we go. Welcome back, everybody.

Speaker 2 Yeah. On the next episode of Extra Judicially.

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