Young Leif Part 1: Bertiluna

This is Marshawn Lynch.

But on prize picks, being right can get you paid.

So I'm here to make sure you don't miss any of the action this football season.

With Prize Picks, it's good to be right.

With millions of members and billions of dollars awarded and winnings, Prize Picks is the best place to put your takes to the test.

The app is really simple to use and available in 40 plus states, including California, Texas, and Georgia.

Just pick two or more players across any sport.

Pick more or less on their projections.

And if you're right, you can cash in.

With simple stats and fan-friendly policies, PrizePicks is the best place to make your picks.

Most importantly, they don't play about your paper.

All transactions on the apps are fast, safe, and secure.

Download the PrizePicks app today and use code Spotify to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup.

That's code Spotify to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup.

PrizePicks, it's good to be right.

Must be present in certain states.

Visit PrizePicks.com for restrictions and details.

CRM was supposed to improve customer relationships.

Instead, it's shorthand for customer rage machine.

Your CRM can't explain why a customer's package took five detours, reboot your inner piece, and scream into a pillow.

It's okay.

On the ServiceNow AI platform, CRM stands for something better.

AI agents don't just track issues, they resolve them, transforming the entire customer experience.

So breathe in and breathe out.

Bad CRM was then.

This is ServiceNow.

This episode of Young Leaf contains discussion of suicide.

Welcome to Sirius A.

Now operated by the TED Empire.

Please enjoy the new TED Mall located on the Starlight Deck.

When getting away means getting away,

Garyan,

the lap of luxury for the triangle.

Attention

DS-1192 inbound from Trinsk is now docking at Farport 9.

Holy shit.

Uh, hey there.

Hey, could you tell me?

Thanks.

Nice to meet you.

Piracy is a crime that affects everyone.

If you or your loved ones have experienced an act of piracy, hey, contact the TED portal immediately.

Hi.

You from Earth?

Yeah, how could you tell?

Because you look like an Earthling and you're speaking English.

Yeah,

dead giveaway.

I'm life.

Bertaluna.

Call me Bertbert.

Nice to meet you, Bertbert.

Pretty crazy, huh?

Yeah, this is...

this is a lot.

First time off-world, I'm assuming.

Yeah, we haven't really mastered space travel.

In fact, we haven't really mastered anything.

Oh, yeah.

I know.

Maybe you can help me.

I'm supposed to go to the TED Mall, some place called Triad Outfitters.

Oh, no.

don't go there.

That place is the worst.

What kind of credit do you have?

I just have this card.

Ew.

Ted creds.

Gross.

Is that bad?

It's fine.

It's like a gift certificate for a really shitty store.

Oh.

Bummer.

You know what?

I think I can help you out.

Oh, yeah?

How do you feel about shady business transactions?

Love them.

Perfect.

Follow me, Life.

Cool.

Keep your planet safe.

Keep your planet safe.

You're speaking English.

Yeah, a lot of us do out here.

Really?

We really like your television.

It's hard to not at least pick up a phrase or two.

Our television?

Really?

All the way out here?

Oh, yeah.

My favorite?

Murphy Brown.

What's yours?

I actually don't watch a lot of television.

I didn't have one when I was a kid, so.

Don't watch television?

What a waste of being an earthling.

I get that a lot.

Apparently, I can catch up now.

So, where are you headed?

Fuck.

I have no idea.

It's not a bad place to be in.

I kind of don't know either.

Why is that?

Okay, stop here for a minute.

What are we doing?

Acting casual.

Okay.

Then, we are looking to the left and looking to the right without anyone knowing that we are looking left and right.

And then what are we doing?

Welcome to Trunders Down Under.

Let's go shopping.

Sweet.

So, there's a place like this in every major station, but you kind of have to look for it.

It's like a trading post.

You can't spend your Ted Creds here, but you can trade the card for stuff that's actually useful.

This place is awesome.

Let's get you outfitted for life in the 3Gs, Laif.

The 3Gs?

Three galaxies.

Milky Way, Andromeda, and Triangulum.

You call it the

Local Group.

Local group, right.

That's your home now.

Wow.

First things first, you need a tangle.

Here.

What is this?

That's...

Everything.

It's a communicator, a personal computer, all your credits will be on there.

Okay.

Is it a good idea for so much stuff to be on one device?

No.

It's a terrible idea, Laif.

But I think you'll find that these three galaxies are full of terrible ideas.

Everybody has one, so you need to have one.

You know what I mean?

Okay.

What else?

Can I buy some music here?

I brought some tapes, but I'd like to listen to what people listen to out here.

Buy

music?

Yeah.

Oh,

right.

You use tapes and discs and stuff.

Well, yeah.

Your tangle also does that.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Pretty much every song ever written on your planet is on there.

Every song?

In this thing?

Yes.

That's amazing.

And

also kind of disappointing?

Why is this disappointing?

Earthlings like things.

I know what you mean, though.

Somehow, every song you ever wanted to hear magically coming out of nowhere is kind of a...

what's the word?

Bummer?

It is.

I guess I like the rattle of a cassette tape.

Now I have to get used to...

well, nothing at all.

Music coming out of the air?

Technically all music comes out of the air.

Good point.

Is there anything this thing can't do?

Yes, which is why you need this.

This is a sharp knife.

Yes.

What do I need this for?

Sometimes when you're out there among the stars, you need complicated technology, and sometimes you just need a pointy thing.

Okay.

Hey, do I get a phaser or a blaster or something like that?

Do you really trust yourself with a phaser or a blaster, Laif?

No.

That's right.

I'm gonna take your Ted creds and trade them for the tangle of the knife and then for some currency you can actually spend somewhere you want.

Okay.

You're not a con artist, are you?

Do I look like a con artist to you?

No.

What do I look like?

You look great.

Okay.

I'll be right back.

So, tell me, Tangle, how do you work?

Hello.

Please proceed with biometric sample.

Whoa.

Biometric sample, please.

Nope, nope, don't do that.

What is it asking for?

You need to wipe out

this has preloaded TED OS.

You need to scrub it out.

What is happening?

There's a button on here that they try and buy from you.

It gets rid of the bad stuff.

Bad stuff?

Tracking ticks, biosampling.

Trust me.

Okay.

Biometric sample.

Say something.

Say a sentence.

Uh,

in 1970, Doc Ellis pitched a no-hitter on LSD.

Language calibration, Earth.

Subgroup American English.

Variation, Northern California.

Whoa.

What's up?

I'm your Tangle.

Hi.

This is when you tell me your name.

Oh, uh, I'm Laif.

Hey, Laife.

So you can call me Tangle, or you can customize my name.

Oh, cool.

Uh.

I know, it's hard, right?

Yeah.

If it helps, you can customize my voice, too.

No, this is good.

How about Alice?

Cool.

I'll answer to the name Alice from now on.

Okay.

Are you always listening?

I am.

Any way I can turn that off?

Nope.

You'll get used to it.

Okay.

You now have a tangle.

Is this someone I should know?

Hi, Alice.

Can you put me down as Bert Bert?

Subcategory?

Laif's first space friend.

Nice to meet you, Bert Bert.

Okay, you've got your tangle, a knife, and I just got you some money.

You just received 10,000 sills from Trunders Down Under at Sirius A.

What did I just get 10,000 of?

Sills.

It's money money from my planet.

You can spend it pretty much anywhere.

Am I rich?

No,

but

you do have what Earthlings would call fuck you money.

What does that mean?

It means that you are good for a while.

All right.

Thanks so much for doing this, Bert Bert.

It's no problem.

How about you use some of that fuck you money and buy me a drink?

Sure.

This place is pretty amazing.

Honestly, this place kind of sucks now.

See, the TED Empire took over control of the station a while back and they sucked all the life out of it.

It's no fun anymore.

This is a pretty serious fantasy for a lot of Earthlings.

The bar in space.

Oh, right.

Since that uh movie, right?

That movie?

Star Wars.

Yeah.

Didn't like it.

Huh.

Wow.

What?

I'm not on Earth anymore.

No.

You are not.

Which means I feel comfortable saying this.

I didn't like Star Wars either.

Really?

Why not?

It's problematic.

Oh, because of the Ewoks?

No, the robots.

What about them?

They're sentient.

Sure.

But they're forced to do jobs?

Sure.

That's not okay.

Huh.

You're right.

They're literally slaves.

I feel like that is an extreme interpretation on your planet.

This is why I can finally say it.

Why don't you like it?

Well, um, I bet if I made a movie about living on Earth, you'd probably hate it, right?

You don't know anything about living on Earth.

Exactly.

What are you drinking?

Hippon.

It's from my planet.

It's kinda like wine.

And what am I drinking?

Dreg.

It's like beer.

It's from a planet called Trusk.

So you know a lot about my planet.

What about yours?

CGS.

You should visit sometime.

It's nice.

What's it like?

We don't have any huge land masses like you do.

We're a bunch of tiny islands.

Lots of water, lots of volcanoes.

Why'd you leave?

I wanted to travel.

See what's out there.

I'll go back soon.

What?

I'm talking to an alien.

Uh, I'm talking to an alien.

I'm sitting at a bar having a drink with an alien.

So are most people at this bar, Leif.

There's no aliens anymore, just a big mess.

I'm in way over my head.

I know,

you'll get used to it

on Earth.

I was an engineer,

like a really good one.

See, you're a smart guy, you'll adjust.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you get here, Laif?

There's no way you got here on an Earth ship.

Earth barely even has ships.

You showed up at Sirius A with a pocket full of Ted creds, so I'm assuming the Teds were involved somehow.

It's kind of weird.

I made a deal.

What was the deal?

Apparently, I'm not supposed to talk about it.

Top secret, huh?

I don't know if it's top secret, but it was part of the deal.

I'm intrigued.

I can't tell you.

Not even a little?

No.

Why not?

Because I made a deal.

Oh, but we've been through so much together.

I made a deal.

Fine.

Sorry.

You were talking about how you feel like an idiot.

You know what I've seen so far?

Tell me.

I've been on a ship that was going...

I don't even know how fast it was going, and I felt nothing.

No inertia.

I'm sitting in a chair right now, being pulled down by gravity.

There shouldn't be any gravity right now because I'm on a space station.

I came here through a stable wormhole.

I don't know how any of this works.

Neither do I.

But I'm an engineer, and I don't design car engines.

I'm a physics engineer.

I solve incredibly complicated problems by building things.

I was one of the smartest guys on my planet.

Look at you.

I feel like an idiot now.

I feel like I know nothing.

Well,

if you're such a smart guy, then you're still a smart guy.

You just need to play catch-up for a while.

Yeah,

I guess so.

You said you didn't know where you were headed either?

No.

I'm on a cinder.

What is that?

When people on my planet reach a certain age, sometimes they go on a cinder.

We travel around for a while.

So, backpacking through Europe is a thing even out in space, huh?

Backpacking through Europe.

American werewolf in London?

That's right.

Yeah!

It's a thing.

No werewolves, though.

Wait, there aren't actually any werewolves on Earth, right?

No.

I didn't think so.

So you saw me and just decided to take me under your wing, huh?

You did look pretty out of sorts.

You know what?

I'm gonna go order us some food.

You're gonna surprise me, aren't you?

I am.

And you're going to deliberately get me something weird.

Something that's still alive.

No, don't be ridiculous.

It will probably be made from some sort of fungus, though.

Great.

Perfect.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

Hey, Alice?

Hi there.

So I can ask you things and then you just tell me the answer?

Yeah, sure.

Within reason.

Don't ask me top-secret things.

I'm not allowed to know those.

She said she was from CGI.

Tell me about Cegius.

Segius.

A habitable planet in the galaxy Andromeda.

Known throughout the triad as innovators in geothermal energy and staunch defenders of journalistic integrity.

That's an odd combo.

What's going on there?

Sygius is one of six planets known as the original coalition.

At the dawning of the intergalactic age, six planets established contact with each other.

Sygius, Griedon 4, Septsu, Ert, Vapus 10, and Garyon.

They didn't have the technology to travel to each other, but did have the technology to talk to one another.

It began a period of unparalleled scientific and cultural exchange.

To this day, these planets are regarded as

kind of snobs.

Oh, really?

Well, I'm dumbing it down a little bit.

My protocols don't have much on humans, but what I do know is that you're kind of dummies, and I should keep it simple.

Her protocols are correct.

The original coalition are a center of intellectual prowess without much political power.

One of those areas of intellectual prowess is journalism.

So she comes from planet journalism?

More like she comes from planet geothermal energy.

And journalism is what they do with all the free time that unlimited energy affords them.

Hmm.

Got it.

What's wrong, Lave?

Sticking with the backpacking through Europe analogy, if I was in a foreign country and an attractive woman came up to me and expressed sudden interest out of the blue, I should maybe beware.

Oh,

okay.

You think she's a pickpocket or something?

I don't know what she is.

She said she was on a cinder.

What's that?

Well, it's interesting.

To someone from CGI, a cinder is a period in young adulthood when one leaves the home planet and travels throughout the triad to build character.

And what is it to everyone else?

To everyone else, it's the CGNs being nosy.

Many people think that a cinder is actually a long fact-finding mission.

When a young CGN is done with a Cinder, they report their findings to the CGN Council of Truth and Understanding.

She's on the job right now.

Maybe?

After spending time on a Cinder, CGNs will then transition into being full-fledged journalists.

who then depend on information brought to them by those on a cinder.

She's an intern at the Washington Post, is what you're telling me.

Possibly.

So, there's always young people from CGS crawling all over the galaxies, collecting information for their home planet?

It is quite common.

What does she want with me?

Hey, don't ask me.

I'm just an algorithm.

Okay, food's on the way, and you're gonna think it's gross.

Great.

So, we still haven't solved the problem of what planet you're going to first.

I thought I would go to your home planet of Segius and report my findings to the Segian Council of Truth and Understanding.

Shit.

Yeah.

I figured you'd find out eventually, but I figured I had all kinds of time.

This is good.

You almost convinced me that outer space was a nice place full of nice people.

I'm sorry.

See you later, Bert Bert.

No, Lafe, come on.

Simple.

Lafe, let me apologize.

I'm good.

Thanks for the knife and the device.

I guess I know why I need the knife now.

Laif, you're an earthling.

It's weird that you're off-world.

I had to look into it.

You gave it your best shot.

Come on, Lafe.

Give me something.

Why in the world would I do that?

I don't know.

Because you're nice?

Look, no harm, no foul.

You're just

It's kind of Mormon-ish, but whatever.

It's your thing.

But it's not my thing.

So, I'm gonna hop on the next ship to wherever and probably stop trusting people.

Lafe, you're not gonna last ten seconds out there.

Oh, yeah?

Why is that?

You don't know what it's like.

I promise you, you are not ready for it.

What makes you so sure?

I looked up where you're from when I was ordering the food.

Northern California?

Laif, it's trees and the ocean and small towns.

It's nice, but it's nothing like up here.

You're gonna get eaten alive up here, Laif.

Trust me.

You need a friend.

Friends don't lie to each other.

Yes, they do, Laif.

All the time.

I think maybe you come from a place that's really nice, so you're probably expecting everywhere to be nice, and I think you might get hurt because of it.

Look,

was I investigating you a little bit?

Yes,

but it's not because I want you to get hurt, it's because it's what I do.

Where I come from, you don't leave well enough alone.

You go in, you investigate,

it's me.

Just like this trusting attitude of yours is what you're all about.

It's you.

It's me?

Yes.

Is there anywhere I can smoke weed around here?

Weed.

This is.

marijuana?

Yes.

You brought marijuana with you to space?

Of course, I brought marijuana with me to space.

Um

uh

come on, you want me to trust you?

Cono juelas crujientes and

grandola, nues y fruta, que'todos vana disprutar.

Honey bunches devotes para todos.

Today albern para saber más.

What is this place?

Oxygen viaduct.

If you smoke in here, it'll scrub the air before it gets to the main cabins.

Nice.

What are you doing?

I'm looking up how marijuana will affect me.

You're smoking with me?

Yes, I am.

Unless you're going to be rude and not share your weird plant with me.

Can't you just ask?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, I can.

But

I guess I was

embarrassed about asking in front of you.

Alice, how will marijuana affect someone from Segius?

Sorry.

No studies available.

Well, I guess you're about to conduct one.

There's some information you can take back with you to the mother brain.

Council of truth and understanding.

Sure, sure.

Okay, hold it in your lungs for a second, like this.

Do you have lungs?

Yes, Lafe.

Here you go.

How long

for you?

Who knows?

Now, what happens?

You turn green.

Seriously, though.

How would I know?

The design of this place isn't great.

I've been looking around.

I have notes.

It's a relic.

This station is a hundred years old.

The Teds will probably replace it soon, now that they run the place.

A hundred years.

A hundred years ago, humans were calling cars horseless carriages.

You're a little behind.

A little behind a bit.

Laif.

I really am sorry.

Sorry you got caught?

Or sorry you were being a nosy liar?

Sorry I was being a nosy liar.

Hmm?

It's fine.

But my concern is genuine, okay?

It's not a movie out here.

It's dangerous.

It's no place for a kid from some forest wonderland.

It's uh...

It's funny what people assume.

What do you mean?

You looked up where I'm from.

Forests, ocean, small towns?

Yeah?

Let me tell you where I'm really from.

I'm from Humboldt County, California.

It's 4,000 square miles of dense forests that are filled, and I mean filled, with illegal, paranoid, violent pot farmers.

Seriously?

I found a dead body when I was 13.

Fuck!

Seriously, in the middle of the woods, I ran back to tell my parents about it and they said, don't tell anyone, it may come back on us.

No way.

My parents weren't pot farmers.

They were just old hippies.

But they knew where they lived.

And they knew there were some people you just didn't talk to.

I never learned that lesson.

I got into some trouble here and there.

It's a lawless place where I grew up.

There's police, but they know where they live too.

My childhood was spent streamlining the pot-drying systems of weird dudes who always had a gun on them.

Even when they slept.

Okay.

Well,

I made some assumptions, didn't I?

I mean, it's okay.

Everyone on Earth who doesn't live there makes the same assumption about where I'm from.

They just...

they just see the trees.

Anyway, you've been trying to warn me about where I find myself for the last few minutes, and all you've told me is.

is that I've come home.

A lawless place full of weirdos.

Why am I more worried about you now?

Don't be.

I'm.

Yeah, I'm excited.

Let's go find me a ship.

Okay.

Attention.

DS-8989 bound for Trusk is now boarding at Farport 79.

Please have updated embarkment files ready for scan.

Turns out, marijuana does not affect me.

Probably for the best.

That was the last of it.

So,

what did you decide?

Well, I like that beer that you gave me, so I decided to go there.

Trusk.

Boy.

What are the Truscans like?

Um, huge and intimidating.

They're herbivores, though, so they won't eat you.

Great.

You know, a lot of them, deep down, total sweeties.

Okay.

Just don't ever insult their mother because then they have to kill you.

Wow.

Okay.

What are you reading?

Breaking news from Earth.

What's going on?

Uh,

somebody named Kurt Cobain just killed himself.

Why is that breaking news?

Fuck.

I'm sorry.

Did you know him?

No.

Nobody did.

There's candlelight vigils in a bunch of cities.

Damn, Kurt.

Well, it's official.

There's nobody cool left on Earth.

Hey, uh,

you have my ID on on your tangle.

If I'm nearby, we can talk in real time.

And if not, you can leave me a message and I'll get it.

Okay.

Can I check in on you sometimes?

Are we at that level?

We can be on that level, sure.

Good.

I really am sorry about the lying, Life.

Don't be.

You were just doing your thing.

I'm gonna go do my thing for a while.

Don't do it too hard.

It's good to meet you, Bert Bert.

I won't be a stranger.

Goodbye, Leif.

Music from Young Leaf comes from the album Kids Fill the Floor by our dear friends Frisha.

The music is available to stream on all platforms and available for purchase on Bandcamp.

So please do all of those things.

Young Leaf is also brought to you in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters: Wilson, Billy, Bertberg, Bethany, Second Bethany, Sparker, Milo Loves Mycelium, Sarah Freckles, Zoe Georgina Marsh, The Art Sherpa, Lucrezia, The Waiting Pool Pirates, Mel Momberg, Kingpen, Miss Chris Still Making Sandwiches, Kurt Bartnik, D.

Fox, Nicole Colangello, Goggles Galad, Stevie Morley, Rogue, Kenny, Adrian Ramirez, Schnoogens, Stephen Robin Poole, Pathos, Andrea Strick, Sir Cat Dad, Chancho Via, Justine Burbeck, Peachy Zatowichi, Disco Funkslinger, Edgy Steve, Quilandis, Alice Malice, Todd Van Voris, Thomas Stolen, Michael Christian, Tarvok Stormbringer, Magnificent Hogbeast, Broccoeni, Theo Alexdeen, Purple Saline, Antigone Brickman, Jen C, Leia B., Blargo, Blargo, Blargo, Onyx Rose, Churlington Beastcote, Whitney Bliss, Tamara Oliver, Jackie Waveland, Marissa, Terry, Maggie's Yarm, Aaron Mitchell, Raven the NecoQueen, Melvis Gray Mystery, Om Vega, Codex Typo, Ang Velasquez, John Dew, Ruth McCormick, Stuck in Derplahoma, It's Just Blake, Dancing Dog Dreams, J.R.

the Hiker Bear, Menlore, Tracy, Calibri, Nate, Three Legs Are Perfectly Good, Hippo, Maloran, Marun Maisalil, Kara, Late Indeed Again, Ian Herzler, Mother of Thor, Enthanomale, Special K, Ryan Abbey, Captain Blepp, Sarah Bergenholtz, Zacky Nat, Nea, Anna, Ben and Jessica, Levi, Dullek Steve, Darcy D, and Existentially Exhausted Bean.

The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

You want your master's degree.

You know you can earn it, but life gets busy.

The packed schedule, the late nights, and then there's the unexpected.

American Public University was built for all of it.

With monthly starts and no set login times, APU's 40-plus flexible online master's programs are designed to move at the speed of life.

You bring the fire, we'll fuel the journey.

Get started today at apu.apus.edu.