Chapter 22: The Maul of America.

DSW Designer Shoe Warehouse is the one-stop shop for all your footwear needs.

With sneakers, boots, and everything in between for every style, mood, and occasion, you'll definitely find shoes that get you at prices that get your budget.

DSW has what you need, but more importantly, they have what you didn't even know you wanted.

You never know what you'll find at DSW.

Find the shoes that get you at prices that get your budget at DSW stores or dsw.com.

At blinds.com, it's not just about window treatments, it's about you, your style, your space, your way.

Whether you DIY or want the pros to handle it all, you'll have the confidence of knowing it's done right.

From free expert design help to our 100% satisfaction guarantee, everything we do is made to fit your life and your windows.

Because at blinds.com, the only thing we treat better than windows is you.

Visit blinds.com now for up to 50% off with minimum purchase plus a professional measure at no cost.

Rules and restrictions apply.

Midnight Burger will always be free to listen to, but it's not free to make.

So please consider supporting us on Patreon or Apple Podcasts.

For early access, ad-free shows, exclusive content, and our enduring gratitude, just go to patreon.com/slash midnightburger or subscribe on Apple Podcasts.

Previously on Midnight Burger, we're where are we?

Horizon Motone.

And there's a lady passed out in the parking lot.

Why?

There's a woman passed out in the parking lot.

Okay, I mean, no judgment.

I mean, mean, you know, whom amongst us.

Am I right?

What?

She's gone.

There's nobody in there.

Did they move?

They had her on some fluids.

The IV is just lying on the ground.

Well, where the hell did she go?

Hey there.

Do you remember me?

Okay, now she's back in the parking lot, but now I'm feeling weird about it.

I feel so bad about all the trouble I caused you.

Here.

Looks like a bar of gold.

It's a gold bar.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Gold bar.

You know, as one does.

Yes, come in.

Mr.

President.

Okay, you can't just jump to post-Civil War America.

What the hell is going on?

Mr.

President, so lovely to meet you.

Wait a minute, that's the same lady from the parking lot.

Why does she sound like Diane von Furstenberg?

Getting away!

Guards!

I got your gun, Gavron.

Okay, good.

There's the team.

I was beginning to worry that I'd hit shuffle.

You the guy looking for a horse?

Thank you for this, my friend.

The South will rise again.

Please, come on, you can't let John Wilkes Booth get away.

Old times there are not forgotten.

Look away.

The hell is that?

Honestly, we don't know that either.

I don't like this place.

Tell me who you are, lady.

Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Never mind.

I'll find out for myself.

Oh, great.

Just what we need, a fucking magician.

Well, I think I can speak for all of us when I say a collective HWAT.

What?

Let's start the shift.

So,

you mean to tell me that there is a television show that portrays stories from the Bible?

Yes,

Isaac, Abraham, even Jesus.

Yes.

But all of the biblical characters are portrayed by what now

vegetables.

How

why

is there I can see you trying to make sense of it

and I wish you luck.

Coffee's ready.

Excellent.

Still nothing.

She's been like that for hours.

She's almost burned through a whole notebook.

I admire her dedication, but does she need a glass of water or some such?

I have begun to worry that her pencil may ignite.

Maybe I should bring her some food.

Honestly, she won't even know you're there.

What if it's really good food, though?

In any lab or testing field or observatory, you're going to see this.

There's people filing reports, compiling data, getting coffee.

The janitor comes by, maybe a senator visits, and then...

Off in a corner somewhere, surrounded by what looks like the notes of a serial killer, will be the theorist.

Trapped in their head until they finally come up for air.

Watch this.

Hey, Ava.

Yeah.

Nothing.

So we stand here until she decides to talk to us?

We can stand anywhere we want.

We're not going to exist until she's ready for us to exist.

We may have one thing working in our favor.

What?

I'm having a cigarette.

There we go.

We should probably get our questions in fast.

She's going to suck that down like a shop vac.

Let's go, Muckle Wentz.

Hey there.

Ava, do you need anything?

You're looking a little pale.

We're probably going to touch down soon.

Anything we need to know?

I am now ready to talk about the disappearing lady.

Great.

Let's do it.

Do you need coffee?

No.

Leaf?

Yeah.

Her energy signature when she disappeared.

That was different than when the X would pop into our lives, right?

For sure.

Also, her voice was different.

She sounded human.

So, we're probably not dealing with Casper's alternative reality ex-wife throwing another bot at us.

This isn't a Terminator 2 situation?

No.

Also, she didn't smell like anything.

X had a particular scent when she would teleport.

Really?

Tachyon smelled like popcorn.

Okay.

Okay, good.

Stop smelling the androids.

I'm not being weird.

I just want to make sure that we've all registered that this is not in any way my fault.

That's a refreshing change of pace, isn't it, dear?

What will I do with myself?

You know what?

She was disguised as the ambassador from Luxembourg.

Yes.

But what were you saying about her name?

She picked the name of an actual person, but from the 15th century, she probably thought no one would notice.

But she spoke in a fake accent and was putting on a whole show.

Yes.

She's been doing this for a while.

Doing what for a while, though?

Traveling.

And we've been on her tail trying to get her attention.

She's the thing we've been trying to track down.

Sure, it seems like it.

Why Earth?

What do you mean?

Why is she sticking to Earth?

Let's assume she can shift through time and fold space.

Why

would she stick to Earth?

Because it's nearby.

Wouldn't matter.

If she can fold space without any tech, then distance becomes irrelevant.

Traveling to St.

Petersburg is the same as traveling to the other side of the universe.

So she's on Earth on purpose.

I think so.

Are you trying to stop me?

That's what she said.

Stop what?

She's definitely got an agenda, and she was not happy to see us.

I was not happy to see her.

I have dark perturbations about this woman.

Why, though?

It's a thicket of feelings I get from from her.

It's one thing, but also another.

Perhaps if we wish to know the nature of this new character in our lives, we should look to ourselves.

What do you mean?

We are ordinary folks in an extraordinary life.

Perhaps she's not so different.

And why have we found ourselves here?

Either running or seeking, all of us.

Perhaps it is the same for her.

That is where my feelings point me.

But it's both of those things.

Seeking and running.

And those two mixed together in the wrong way can be...

Dangerous.

Yes.

We're talking about a lot without actually saying anything.

We think she's a problem, and we don't know why.

She thinks we're a problem and doesn't know why.

Right now, all we know is there's a disappearing lady that doesn't like us.

What's not to like?

Yeah, we're delightful, except for Leaf, who kills people randomly.

That's not true.

Oh, you didn't kill a guy?

It wasn't random.

How long until we land?

Any second now?

Look, just keep your eyes open, okay?

That wasn't the last time we're going to see her.

Also, there is something that I want us to start looking for.

We're not getting a cat.

Why can't we get a cat?

You can't just say we're not getting a cat.

If we get the cat, it's going to hate us.

And we all benefit from the cat.

Oh, my God.

Sorry.

damage to the fabric of space-time

I want us to keep a lookout for damage to the fabric of space-time

What's it look like?

No idea.

Here we go

Are we is this what I think it is?

Are we in a mall?

Yeah that music is terrible.

This is an unsavory establishment.

Is this some sort of warehouse?

Oh, it's a warehouse, all right.

For commerce.

What is that smell?

That, Effie, is the food court.

They have put food there to be judged somehow?

No, that's just where all the food places are.

I have judged it.

Yeah, it's not a great smell.

Oh, shit.

Check it out.

Be Dalton.

Oh, we're in an old mall.

1980s for sure.

The golden age.

There's probably a Camelot music here.

There's probably a chess king.

Hickory Farms, anyone?

Yeah.

There's probably a jazz or sign.

I don't know.

I actually did something with my life.

Where is everyone, though?

I guess they haven't opened yet.

All the gates are down.

Well, at least there'll be a good spot in the food court today.

We're really gonna give Mrs.

Fields cookies a run for its money.

Can we spread out and look for things?

Damage to the fabric of space-time?

Yes, I know it's vague, but it's important.

Damage to the fabric of space-time.

Should Should be easy to spot.

Pardon me, sir.

Is that damage to the fabric of space-time you've got there?

We should head over to Spencer's gifts.

That place is definitely a disturbance in the fabric of space-time.

Split up for a little while, everyone.

You guys take the bottom floor.

Ava, let's go upstairs.

Who's taking the Mucklewings?

I think we'll be just

oh my.

Goodness.

We appear to be in the public address system for this establishment.

Can y'all hear us?

Yeah, cool.

I feel very large.

Yes, I feel as though my spirit wraps around this whole construction.

I guess you're going with all of us then.

Anything we can grab you while we're looking?

From a 1980s mall?

All of this stuff's garbage.

How about a sharper image foot massager?

Okay, yeah.

Get me the foot massager.

Anything else?

Do they have pencils here?

Pencils?

What?

At the mall?

Yeah.

They don't have useful things here.

Just the things you can't live live without.

Never mind.

Good luck on your space-time anomaly hunt.

We're gonna uh hit the orange Julius before we start looking around, right?

Absolutely.

So,

damage to the fabric of space-time?

Yeah, it can look like anything.

Also, nothing.

Right.

On it.

Why are we doing this?

Well,

okay.

I'm working with four separate things right now.

Good.

Bullet points are good.

Thing one.

Imagine a string of pearls, but not in a loop.

Imagine a string of pearls continuing out into infinity.

Okay, infinite pearls.

Imagine each pearl as a universe.

All matter and energy that exists is in each pearl.

That's a lot of universes.

Every day when we open our doors, we're in one of those pearls, a new universe.

One of those infinite pearls is where we started, and we are constantly zipping back and forth throughout different pearls.

Each one of them have a beginning, middle, and end that runs for billions of years.

That sounds way more organized than what we actually do.

They're not actually in a string.

They're actually all overlapping each other and occurring simultaneously, but it's better to imagine them on a string.

Agreed.

Thing two,

Chuck said something about massive gravity waves.

Inside, each pearl are massive destructive events that happen.

Sometimes they're so powerful that they can damage the pearl they take place in.

The effects can be cataclysmic.

Is this like a supernova, a whole star exploding?

No, it goes beyond that.

When something is so powerful that it can damage the fabric of space-time,

imagine a house on a beach and a tidal wave is coming toward it.

Imagine this wave being so powerful that it doesn't just damage the house, it

damages the very idea of what a house is.

The idea of what a house is?

A gravity wave can be so powerful that it can damage not just matter, but damage how matter works.

I don't like that.

Yeah, I don't either.

The third thing is us, a time-traveling, dimension-spanning diner.

And the fourth thing...

The disappearing lady.

Yeah.

How did...

Chuck describe her?

Powerful,

formidable?

It looks like she's able to travel through time and space like we do, but she can do it at will.

So yeah, that's pretty powerful and formidable.

She's scared.

How do you know?

You can see it.

She was scared of us for some reason.

I can't imagine why that would be.

Shit.

What?

Wicks and sticks!

Did you ever go here?

I wasn't a mall person.

I used to look at this place and be like,

that's what a real woman does.

She has all kinds of nice candles everywhere.

That's when I know I'll become a real woman.

Did you ever get your candles?

No!

Because then it becomes having a nice kitchen meant I was a real person.

And then it became having a really nice couch for some reason, not sure what that was about.

Then it became a restaurant.

What is it now?

Jesus Christ, I have no fucking clue.

Self-completion is a moving target.

I mean, look at me.

Look at us.

Look at what we do.

We're in a mall in the 80s looking for damage to the fabric of space-time, and I don't feel much different than my teenage self.

I thought candles were gonna do it.

Seriously?

Oh, my dear.

Did you hear that?

There is a little noise every time we talk.

I like it.

Y'all, us talking through this here building has had some unforeseen effects.

What's up?

I seem to have a sense of this building like it were my own skin and bones.

You're probably co-opting whatever electrical systems they have, like it's a nervous system.

Well, I don't know about that, but I do know that we can tell where both you and Casper and Leaf are relative to the diner.

Well, that could be useful.

Casper and Leif are at some sort of establishment with a devil on it.

Really?

They're at an orange Julius.

Anything else?

Yes, we are not alone.

There's someone else in here?

We believe so.

This building may seem closed to the public, but I am sensing many people.

That's creepy.

Okay.

Track down Laif and Casper and let them know.

What are the odds that Casper and Leif are actually looking for something like we are?

A low probability.

Look, I understand that you're upset, but I still think it was the right call.

You blew a guy up, Lafe.

And what was that guy's name again?

John Wilkes Booth.

I think there's a big difference between blowing up a guy and blowing up John Wilkes Booth.

It is still, without provocation, not out of self-defense, blowing up a guy.

I see what you're saying.

You're trying to do it like a math problem.

Killing bad, therefore all killing bad.

But I've evolved.

Oh.

You've evolved, have you?

That's right.

Well, do tell Homo Superior how have you evolved?

I kind of went through the ringer while you were gone.

Got confronted with a lot of old shit.

Old versions of myself.

I decided rather than deny it or leave it behind, I would merge it all into one person, bringing the best of all worlds into one dude.

I'm Laif the cook, Laif the Engineer, Laif the Criminal, all in one guy.

I'm Smart Hulk now.

Smart Hulk would not have killed John Wilkesbooth.

Smart Hulk would have stomped the fuck out of of John Wilkes Booth.

This is going nowhere.

Drink your Orange Julius.

I guess I just...

I don't want it to come back and haunt you or something.

This is really good.

How did you know how to make an Orange Julius?

First job.

Your first job was at an Orange Julius?

Yeah.

What was yours?

Weed delivery.

I was 13.

Seriously?

It's like you're not even a real person.

I know.

You two, freeze.

We're not here to hurt anybody.

Put the gun away.

We're not stealing anything.

I mean, we're kind of stealing.

Who are you?

I'm Casper.

That's Lee.

Hey.

How'd you get past the perimeter?

Perimeter?

Oh, shit.

What the hell is that sound?

They must have heard us.

Out of the way.

What's happening?

We're going to be stuck here for a minute.

Why?

What the hell is that?

If we're quiet, they'll probably ignore us.

Who?

Them.

Shit!

Are we in a mall full of zombies situation?

I mean, honestly, it was only a matter of time.

True.

They're not zombies.

Who are they?

They look crazed out of their minds.

They're not zombies.

They're not trying to eat anyone's brain.

What are they trying to eat?

How'd you two get here?

You guys make a bet you could sneak in or something?

We don't know what you mean.

I don't know what it is about men.

When you see a restricted sign, you think it's a dare.

It's not a dare.

There's fucked up shit happening here.

Obviously.

What is happening here?

It's too weird for you to comprehend.

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Not something weird.

Leave.

What are we going to do about the weird thing that's happening?

I hope we don't freak out.

So Friday.

Who are you, dude?

Weird shit's kind of our jam.

Why don't you tell us what's going on?

Okay.

Actually, you know what?

If she tells us, she's just going to have to explain it again to everyone else.

Let's head back.

Good call.

Head back where?

We'll explain.

Let's go.

Hang on.

Okay, we're clear.

Where are we going?

What's your name?

Tamara.

You're a security guard?

Yeah.

They let them carry guns back then?

Back then?

Oh, yeah.

Also, remember all the indoor smoking?

God, that's right.

Where are we going?

That's our place.

Over there.

What the fuck is that doing here?

Attention, Casper and Lake.

Please stop acting like horses, patoots.

Where have y'all got off to?

Who's on the PA system?

Y'all, be quiet.

You'll alert the zombies.

They're not zombies.

Be quiet.

You'll alert the not zombies.

We were at the Orange Julius.

Where are Gloria and Ava?

We're up here.

Did you guys see that huge crowd come through?

Yeah, they're dangerous, apparently.

Stay away.

They're not zombies, apparently.

If it's zombies, I quit.

They're not zombies.

Who's that?

This is Tamara.

She's a security guard.

Who's on the PA system?

Well, hello, Tamara.

I'm Zebulon Muckawane here with my wife, Effie.

Hi, Tamara.

Who are you, people?

Come,

have a cup of coffee.

Tell us about your weird day.

This episode is brought to you by Built.

If you're paying rent every month without earning anything in return, let me introduce you to Built, the rewards program designed for renters who want to earn something for their largest monthly expense.

Here's the thing.

Most of us just write the rent check and get nothing back.

But what if I told you there's a way to make that payment work harder for you?

By paying rent through BILT, you earn flexible points that can be redeemed towards hundreds of hotels and airlines, a future rent payment, your next lift ride, and more.

But it doesn't stop there.

BILT is about making your entire neighborhood more rewarding.

You can dine out at your favorite local restaurants and earn additional points, get VIP treatment at certain fitness studios, and enjoy exclusive experiences just for BILT members every month.

BILT is turning a monthly expense into an opportunity to earn rewards and discover the best that your neighborhood has to offer.

Your rent is finally working for you.

Earn points on rent and around your neighborhood wherever you call home by going to joinbuilt.com slash burger.

That's j-o-i-n-b-i-l-t dot com slash burger.

Make sure you use our URL so they know we sent you.

Tito's handmade vodka is America's favorite vodka for a reason.

From the first legal distillery in Texas, Tito's is six times distilled till it's just right and naturally gluten-free, making it a high-quality spirit that mixes with just about anything.

From the smoothest martinis to the best Bloody Marys, Tito's is known for giving back, teaming up with nonprofits to serve its communities and do good for dogs.

Make your next cocktail with Tito's, distilled and bottled by Fifth Generation Inc., Austin, Texas, 40% alcohol by volume, savor responsibly.

You really expect me to believe that?

How it works is I tell you our crazy story, and then you feel more comfortable telling us yours.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Okay, fine.

I had just started this job.

I was excited.

The pay was good.

I look alright in the uniform.

I'm pretty good at scaring teenagers.

Then one day, everything went off the rails.

There was a riot over some toys.

I couldn't keep the crowd under control.

A bunch of stuff got stolen.

A riot over some toys?

Yeah, some kind of doll.

What kind of doll?

Oh, God.

Wait.

What year is it?

For real?

Yeah.

1983.

Oh,

who knows?

What?

It's the Cabbage Patch Riots.

What the fuck are you talking about?

That was it.

Yeah.

Cabbage Patch Kids.

The Cabbage Patch Riots?

It happened all over America.

Every kid wanted one of these dolls for Christmas called Cabbage Patch Kids, but they didn't make enough.

There were literal riots.

Delivery trucks were sacked.

It was nuts.

Over a doll?

This is why I remember it, because it was so stupid.

Okay, we're going to put a pin in how stupid that is, and we're going back to tomorrow.

You're saying that a riot happened and you couldn't stop it?

Right.

People went crazy.

They waited by the doors for the mall to open, not even in a line, just a mob of people.

I was the first one here that day.

It was way too early for anyone to go shopping, but there they were, all at the door to try and and grab one of these cabbage patch kids.

When I unlocked the doors, they pushed them open so hard that it knocked me down.

They were running, like Olympic-style running, to the KB toys just to stand in line

and wait for them to open.

Eventually, there was a line outside of every store that might possibly have one of these damn dolls.

Montgomery Ward, Sears, whatever.

There was even a line outside of Flor Scheim's shoes for some reason.

Then they got the bad news.

Delivery trucks ran late the day before and the dolls weren't on the shelves and they were still in the trucks.

They all start to panic like sheer panic like their life depended on it.

None of the stores had stocked any of the dolls yet so they rushed back into the loading zone and literally ransacked three trucks full of them.

Dolls, y'all.

People got into fist fights.

One guy had a bat.

It was chaos.

I need backup, so I call the police and they literally laughed at me, started calling me Santa's little helper, so I say to myself, please,

don't let me die over some fucking dolls.

And I jump in there, trying to break it up.

And then suddenly everybody was gone.

Everybody?

Yeah.

Suddenly, the whole mall was empty, like I was the first one at work again.

Time loop?

No such thing.

Did you watch Reset or anything?

There is no such thing as a time loop.

No.

But as I walked back into the mall,

they were here.

Yeesh.

Seeing them up close now, are we sure they're not zombies?

Because remember, if it's zombies, I quit.

They're not zombies.

They don't try and eat people.

They only crave one thing.

No way.

Cabbage patch kids.

They're constantly tearing up the mall, trying to find the Cabbage Patch Kids.

It's not funny.

I'm sorry.

It's objectively funny.

Maybe to you all.

You just got here, and it's getting worse.

How do you mean?

I swear they're getting angrier, more desperate.

The first time they were just really intense shoppers.

Now it's like...

Here they come again.

God, look at them.

I'm not saying they're zombies, but they do look like they're from a zombie movie.

One of the newer ones, too.

A fast zombie movie.

That's disturbing.

They look crazed.

They seem to be possessed by some terrible spirit.

Indeed, I can feel it myself.

There's some unnaturalness right there.

This summer, there is no sale that can satisfy the zombie shoppers.

Shopsies.

Whoa, that's better.

Shopsies.

This doesn't make any sense.

What else is affected?

Is this happening everywhere on the planet?

No.

In fact,

now that they're gone, come up to the roof.

I'll show you.

Hang on.

We should all arm ourselves.

Leaf, do we have any baseball bats with nails driven through them?

I'll get the laser saw.

Actually, if you just stay out of their way, you'll be fine.

Oh, bummer.

Time-traveling, dimension-spanning diner, huh?

Yeah, I know.

Sounds ridiculous.

You're lucky I was desperate for somebody to talk to.

How long has this been happening?

61 days.

Holy shit, Tamara.

Why didn't you leave?

I'm about to show you.

I was thinking the other day, I better get fucking overtime for this.

Fuck yeah, you should.

What's the pay-like at Midnight Burger?

Terrible.

Our boss is a tyrant.

Haha, that's Gloria now.

Shit, is that a cardio helicopter?

Around the third day, I noticed the tanks and helicopters.

They set up a military perimeter around the mall.

Why won't they come get you?

They say they're worried about contamination, whatever that means.

Here, binoculars.

Check it out.

Tanks?

Seriously?

I know.

I guess they're pretty freaked out.

Can I see?

So, they just trapped you here with a group of crazies running around?

It hasn't been great.

Attendance, this is a restricted area.

You are now in an official quarantine zone.

Do not leave the area without authorization.

Excuse me, sir.

You are disturbing our discussion with this contraption of yours.

What the hell?

Set this worthy gig of yours down somewhere else so we can hear ourselves thank you.

Pull back.

The hell just happened.

They don't like people being rude.

There they are.

Government scientists have a sensor array set up.

I would love to see those readouts right now.

What have they got?

Radar and a spectrometer.

Chemical sniffer.

That's dumb.

No microwave scanner.

Lame.

Yeah, it's 1983.

What do you expect?

Okay.

Okay.

None of this makes any sense at all.

And that's great.

Is it though?

This is it.

Damage to the fabric of space-time.

This is what we've been looking for.

How is this weird shit different from the usual weird shit that we encounter?

Every world we go to follows its own rules.

There are no rules to this.

It's just broken.

Angry shoppers turned into zombies that crave cabbage patch dolls?

Give me a break.

Kids.

Cabbage patch kids.

How does it get fixed?

Tamara.

Have you met any weird ladies recently?

Before this all started?

I'd only been working here for a while.

There's the occasional nut that walks in off the street.

About yay-high?

Red hair.

No.

She could have been wearing a wig at the theater.

Just anyone with a weird vibe.

You know, it was my first day.

There was a lady in the food court who started asking me a bunch of questions, at first about the mall and then about where I was from, where my parents were from.

She gave me something.

She said she found it.

What was it?

A rock.

It's still in my locker.

Come back downstairs.

Look, dear.

We're in the elevator as well.

Yes.

Welcome to the third floor, everyone.

I don't know what they are, but I kind of like it.

We do, too.

So, I didn't think much of it at first.

I'm supposed to put things in the lost and found in in the office, but it seemed a little too nice to put there.

Here you go.

It's pretty.

Is it a crystal?

Um, leaf.

Let me see.

Huh.

It's a diamond.

What?

Yeah.

It looks great.

Yeah.

It's an industrial diamond.

You can't make it into jewelry.

Still valuable, though.

Something this size?

You're looking at about $100,000.

Good call not putting it in the lost and found.

Where did she say she found it?

She said Mercury.

Mercury.

I figured it was the name of a new store that it just opened.

Mercury?

Doesn't sound like a store that I remember.

I don't think she meant a store.

Don't tell me.

The surface of Mercury is covered in diamonds just like this.

The surface of Mercury.

Yeah.

Where it's a bajillion degrees and the atmosphere is methane or whatever.

Hardly any atmosphere at all, actually.

Wait.

You're talking about Mercury, the planet.

She was just going for a stroll on Mercury and picked up a diamond.

Who the fuck is this woman?

What the fuck is going on?

I have no idea, Tamara.

Okay, look, let's think about the thing right in front of us.

Well, the thing right in front of us is a huge diamond for Mercury.

No, the thing right in front of us is Tamara.

She's trapped in a time loop with mall zombies.

There's no such thing as a time loop.

What are we going to do about it?

No idea.

We could try and sneak her past the military blockade.

Maybe if she could get away from the mall, things would reset.

My guess is that you'd have entanglement problems.

Her geographic location isn't gonna matter much.

Not to mention, she'd be on the run from the government.

Well, then we have to help them too.

You guys really think you can fix this?

We're going to give it a shot.

If the smell of this place is any indication, Tamara has not had a proper meal in some time.

Everything here smells like corn oil.

Perhaps some proper sustenance so we can wrap our heads around the problem.

Good idea.

Back downstairs, everybody.

it's a generous thing, isn't it?

What's that, dear?

Bringing someone a diamond from another world.

She said something like, I keep looking around for something, but wind up finding stuff like this.

Why do I only find the stuff someone else needs?

Oh, shit, they're coming right out.

Wow, that was a close one.

What in the world is so compelling about this children's toy?

What were they going to do if they got to us?

Try and purchase us?

Let's not find out.

They can get violent, especially if it's something new.

And y'all are new.

How are we going to get back to the diner?

Go up to the next floor.

Okay.

Now, what do we do?

We can just wait them out.

Eventually, they can move on after a few hours.

That's a lot of shopsies.

How long until they move on?

It's random.

Could be a few hours.

We might not have that kind of time.

Why?

We're only on the ground for a few hours before we take off to somewhere else.

How is that possible?

I think we're past the point where you ask how things are possible.

I mean, there's zombies downstairs.

Shopsies.

We're not calling them that.

Maybe I can sneak through.

How dangerous are these nuts exactly?

Here.

I'll show you.

Let's pretend this mannequin is you.

Holy shit.

It's fine if you stay out of their way.

But if you try and get through that crowd, you're going to end up like that mannequin.

Great.

We need to get them away from the diner.

Obviously.

Okay.

I have an idea.

Tomorrow?

Yes.

Take me to the cabbage patch.

There they are.

These are the few ones they haven't found yet.

Holy shit.

Jesus Christ.

They look demonic.

For nine months in 1983, this was the only thing that any child in America wanted.

It was like a mass hysteria event.

I feel like they're all looking at me.

Me too.

Perhaps one alone wouldn't be too alarming, but when they are all in boxes, standing atop one another with such a blank stare on their faces.

According to Cabbage Patch Lore,

they all sprung from the heads of cabbages.

Cabbage Patch Lore?

And I think they all come with an adoption certificate.

People are psychotic.

We don't need to get a cat.

We can just get one of these.

Nope.

What's this plan of yours, Casper?

Tamara, do you have one of those security golf cart type things?

Sure.

How about a megaphone?

I think so.

I feel like you can see where I'm going with this.

Jesus Christ.

Okay, what do we do?

Just wait on the second floor and then make your move.

This doesn't solve tomorrow's problem, you know.

I know, but it will get Ava back to her booth where she can come up with a solution.

Why don't I just come up with a solution right now?

Because all your good ideas happen at the booth.

That's your spot.

That's the power zone.

He's not wrong.

Leaf, can you spruce up a golf cart?

Is the Pope Catholic?

Is John Wilkes Booth dead?

Very funny.

Let's go.

Have you noticed the more ridiculous the situation, the more ridiculous the solution?

Does he seem all right to you?

Casper?

Casper never seems alright to me.

He's different since he came back.

He went through a lot while he was gone.

We all did.

I feel the same, though.

Did I not change?

Um,

no,

not really, but that's kind of your thing.

You're,

you know,

unflappable.

Did everybody else change?

Well,

yeah.

I mean, Casper had to confront why he was such a tool all the time.

Leif had to confront the fact that he was acting like three different guys.

I took over the diner and went up against the Teds and really tapped into some some anger.

Right.

Well, what about the Muckle Waynes?

Did they change?

Where are they now?

We're up here in this tiny speaker now, dear.

Hello, we changed as well, didn't we, dear?

I believe we did.

We've learned so much about ourselves during Casper's absence.

There is so much still to be learned, but I believe we reached a place of acceptance in regards to the deep mysteries of our being.

While also never forgetting that while we may not know the nature of ourselves, God's got it all written down somewhere.

Am I

the only one who didn't have a big change?

Maybe,

but that's okay.

It's hard for me to change.

I know.

It's hard to change when you're right all the time.

Sure.

I can change.

I'm changeable.

Of course you are.

So

try it sometime.

Okay.

But

what do I change, though?

I like everything about myself.

Maybe

just keep an eye on it.

Maybe something will come up.

Okay.

I can see what Casper's up to at this moment, and

well, if it don't work out, it will at least be a sight to behold.

This should be good.

Okay, Tamara,

you sure you know how to drive this thing well enough?

It's a golf cart.

I don't need a master's degree.

Okay, but I don't want to die, is the thing.

You'll be fine.

I'm going to go get their attention.

Get ready to burn rubber.

Jesus Christ.

Okay.

Give me the cabbage patch, kid.

Here.

Bill,

hello there, disturbing fake child.

What's your name?

It's right there.

Melvis Gray.

Melvis?

Sure, whatever.

Let's go, Melvis.

Attention, Chopsies!

Have you met my friend Melvis?

Holy shit!

No!

Ocean, ocean, ocean, ocean, hit it.

God damn, they are fast.

All they do is run.

Are we gonna be able to stay ahead of them?

I think so.

This thing's never gone this fast before.

What did he do to it?

Well, we could ask him, but neither of us would understand it.

Are we gonna hit a dead end or anything?

No.

This whole place is a circle.

We can lead them around like this till the wheels come off.

Casper, how's all your foolishness working out for you?

Good, I think.

We're going to be coming around the mountain again, though.

Y'all get in the diner while they're distracted.

On our way.

So they can just show up in anything that has a speaker.

Pretty much, yeah.

What the fuck is going on?

What do you mean, Tamara?

You're driving a golf cart through a mall being chased by zombies who crave cabbage patch kits.

What?

They didn't cover that at Rent a Cop Academy?

You know what?

They did not.

You know that feeling when you get a good job and you kind of just say, this is it.

I'm gonna settle into this and just cruise into it.

Life will play out before me, birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas over and over again.

I'll find somebody to do it with maybe.

I'll get gray hair.

I'll get bored.

I'll go on vacation.

I'll come back.

Maybe I'll get a dog.

Just cruise.

And then?

And then this happens.

Gonna be hard to get back to just cruising after something like this.

If I make it out of this.

You'll make it out of this just fine.

We have a 100% success rate.

Success at what?

The key to our success is not defining what success is.

You know, this diner that brought us here, when I first found it, I thought it was just a diner.

And then suddenly,

I was on another planet.

Another planet?

Yes.

So it's not a time machine?

No, it's that too.

Where did you go?

A planet called Garyon.

What was it like?

Well, it was weird tomorrow.

It was another planet.

planet.

Hang on, they're falling behind.

But then, the next day was another planet.

And another, and another.

Eventually, I landed on a planet named Thegrion.

And that's when it hit me.

It wasn't all that weird.

How?

Thegrion was in a planet-wide day of mourning.

People started coming in needing to be fed.

Needing coffee.

They needed to just

be around each other.

So I started winging it.

Making them what food I could, made some coffee, and they just sat with each other.

So there I was, on another planet,

a diner full of aliens, and it was somehow...

normal.

And that's what I've found.

In the very

long time that I've been working there,

it's the same shit everywhere.

The crazed mob behind us is not the same shit as everywhere else.

The crazed mob desperately clamoring for something that is, in the end, actually worthless?

I bet you see that quite a lot, don't you?

So can you tell me what happens in the future or not?

It doesn't work that way.

I can tell you what might happen, but so can anybody else.

For example, what might happen is that a couple of years from now, two movies are going to come out, Terminator and Back to the Future.

They're going to totally fuck up how people think about time and how it behaves.

I was hoping you were going to be able to give me something.

You already got a $100,000 diamond, Tamara.

Don't get greedy.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

I've got to get out of here so I can go shopping.

And I think that's the irony of the day.

You need to escape them all so that you can go shopping.

That lady, the scientist, you think she's going to be able to figure something out?

If anyone can.

And then she fixes it, and for the rest of my life, I just.

No matter how weird or normal, in the end, you're always going to be just winging it, like I was.

There's no voice from above to guide you.

Pardon me, Casper.

Might I offer some guidance?

Except maybe for that one.

Sure, Zebulon.

What's up?

I would just like to offer something from Hebrews.

Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday, and today and forever.

The voices are quoting the Bible to me now.

The funny thing is, Zebulon thinks he's making it more normal by doing that.

These days I've been going with, I am making my way in the wilderness and streams of the wasteland.

Isaiah!

Lovely.

Are you a church-going woman tomorrow?

Oh, sure.

Cuyahoga First Baptist always brought lemon bars to the bake sale.

Good, because Casper is a very wise person.

Thank you, Zebulon.

He is also wrong.

You know,

just one compliment from someone at some point would be great.

Effie and I have seen the wonders of many worlds, as Casper has, but through it all, we have seen a constant.

That is true.

Hot dog on a stick, not going anywhere.

Though the world may bear no resemblance to the one you knew, there is always something that endures.

Something eternal.

You're not allowed to say God for everything,

Zebulon.

It's not ducting.

Eternal thing is

watching them care for each other.

That has endured through it all.

Do you have someone to care for, Tamara?

Is this dude telling me to go get a boyfriend?

Yes.

What?

We're saying somewhere out there is the room you're going to die in.

How full of people is that room right now?

Should it be more full?

I don't know if I I was going to say it exactly like that.

Well, I think you understand what I'm saying.

Let's talk on a more pressing matter.

Are you making these lemon bars with butter or shortening?

Shortening?

Chopsy, it is looking like all of you have skipped leg day.

Pick up the page.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly, must be 18 years or older to purchase play or claim.

From wine country weekends to scenic drives through the Sierra foothills, Fall is the perfect time to explore California.

And there's no better way to do it than in a brand new Toyota hybrid.

With 17 fuel-efficient options like the stylish all-hybrid Camry, the Adventure-Ready RAV4 hybrid, or the spacious Grand Highlander hybrid, Toyota has the perfect ride for any adventure.

Every new Toyota comes with Toyota Care, a two-year complementary scheduled maintenance plan, an exclusive hybrid battery warranty, and of course, Toyota's legendary quality and reliability.

Visit your local Toyota dealer and test drive one today so you can be prepared for wherever the road takes you this fall.

Toyota, let's go places.

See your local Toyota dealer for hybrid battery warranty details.

Okay,

how much time do we have?

Plenty of time before we jump, but I'm overclocking the battery on that golf cart, so we've only got an hour before Casper gets turned into zombie chow.

Is that going to be enough time?

I don't know.

What are we doing?

Yes.

Yes,

what are we doing?

Okay,

I just need you two to be quiet for a minute, okay?

Okay.

What's going to happen?

Silence is going to happen.

Okay.

Two competing systems in a closed field, one system native, non-native system is capable of analysis and sampling with seeming sentience non-native system.

Is non-aggressive static within contrary system.

How does it sustain itself?

How

does it

sustain

itself?

Is she doing slam poetry?

No idea.

Oh.

Oh,

shared energy system leading to degradation of the minor system.

Which system is minor?

Who is tiny?

Who is big?

Newest system

have to be.

This is all temporary.

Great.

How temporary?

61 days, she said, with no registered degradation.

She said it was getting worse, which means upswing.

A new system could still be occurring.

We're still at the beginning of the beginning.

It's going to take a while, though.

We don't have a while.

Snowballs.

Like a snowball running down a hill.

It can't go forever, but can't be stopped and gets bigger as it goes until...

What stops a snowball?

A tree?

Tree, tree, tree.

What's the equivalent of a tree in this analogy?

Two competing landscapes of energy, one out of control, the other static.

What's a tree?

What's a tree?

What's a tree?

What's a tree?

Ah,

a third system.

A third system standing there

like a tree.

Ava.

Is that all you've got?

Come on, shopsies.

Work for Melvis.

Right.

Okay.

We have to let the zombies in.

I quit.

Attention, Casper.

Please bring your wagon train back to the diner.

What?

Ava has a plan.

See?

What did it tell you?

You are to lead the angry mob back to the diner and lure them inside.

Inside the diner.

Why would we do that?

Casper, how in the heck am I supposed to know why we're doing this?

I don't even understand how that tiny automobile works.

Okay, fine.

Tell everyone to get ready.

We're coming up on it right now.

Godspeed, Casper.

Sure.

Keep a lookout, y'all.

Here he comes.

Why is this going to work?

Some trees, when they're under attack by caterpillars, emit a smell.

That smell attracts wasps, and the wasps kill the caterpillars.

Every system has corrective agents.

Who are the wasps in this scenario?

I think we are.

We're responding to an attack.

Here he comes.

Ditch the golf cart.

Get in here.

Hurry.

We made it.

Nope, nope.

Keep going.

We're going out the back.

Let's go.

Drop the doll.

Good luck, Malvis.

Everybody up against the door.

I thought

they wanted the doll.

I don't think they know what they're doing.

I'm going around to the front to bar the door.

We need to trap them in there.

Then what?

Then we wait.

Wait for what?

For me to be right again.

The Mucklewings are going to be all right in there, right?

Well now.

It is a captive congregation, but certainly one in need.

Yes.

Good afternoon to you all.

What shall the reading be today, dear?

Uh, well,

it better be something about somebody getting resurrected.

Yes.

Jesus cried out with a loud voice, Lazarus, come out!

The man who had died came out, his hands and feet bound with linen strips and his face wrapped with a cloth.

Jesus said to them, Unbind him and let him go.

Everybody, take it slow, okay?

If you need more coffee or food, just talk to one of us.

You're safe now.

Hey!

Hi!

These tacos are amazing.

Thanks.

But it's called Midnight Burger.

Yeah, I know.

It's a good name.

Guess everybody's back to normal now.

Ish.

So in a little while, you'll all just kind of poof.

Pretty much.

That'll be something to see.

No way the army guys outside are going to believe me.

You can skip the part about the diner.

Just walk out there and tell them that they all snapped out of it somehow.

Then, after a few months of making sure you're not a threat, they can let you have a normal life if you want.

Hey, Tamara.

We're probably going to jump soon, and you don't want to be here when we do.

Alright.

I'll start to gather everybody up.

I'm not gonna see you all ever again, am I?

Chances are pretty slim, but anything's possible.

As you can see.

One more thing

How do I sell a big-ass diamond?

It's pretty easy.

I'll walk you through it.

Hello

Please make yourself comfortable.

I got you something if you brought one of those fucking dolls in here

Pencils

I can see that

There they are.

What is all over them?

I believe those are my little ponies.

You expect me,

as a grown woman,

to use pencils with little ponies on them?

Well, you said you needed pencils.

Were you enjoying yourself today?

Maybe.

A little.

Why?

I discovered something.

What's that?

Remember when we were fighting and you said, Leaf does this, Gloria does this, I do this, and then there's you.

Implying that I contribute in no way to anything that goes on here.

Yes.

And do you remember how

that was psychologically damaging for me to hear?

And I may be scarred for life now.

Do you remember that part?

You're welcome.

I figured it out.

I do dumb shit.

That's what I bring to the table.

Dumb

shit.

Yes.

Leading the shopsies away from the diner on a golf cart.

I do that.

That's my thing.

Any of us could have done that.

It's like modern art.

Yes, you could have done that yourself, but you didn't think to.

Well,

congratulations

on

being the dumb shit guy.

Thank you.

No sign of our new friend today.

No,

but she's out there somewhere.

She is out there

somewhere.

Everyone, can I get your attention for a moment, please?

Thank you so much for coming to my farewell party, though I am convinced that 60 to 65 percent of you are here to make sure you don't miss out on any gossip.

Sorry to disappoint, but I won't be doing anything more embarrassing than actually being a professor at this shit sack of a university.

Today I officially transitioned into emeritus status, the flaming Viking boat of academia.

I did so under vicious rumors that I have lost my mind, which I shall wear as a badge of honor.

I am proud to join the ranks of other nutty professors like Paracelsus, who believed in giants, Tycho Brahe, who wore a copper prosthetic nose after losing his real one in a fist fight, fight, and Pythagoras, who had an inexplicable fear of beans.

You only get one chance to make a parting statement, so

here goes.

As we struggle to understand the universe, we may need to consider the idea that the universe is struggling to understand us,

that our curiosity about the cosmos may be reciprocated.

Do our our telescopes pointed skyward pose a question?

And are the ebbs and flows of the starways an attempt at an answer?

Are the scientists and their subjects like

two lovers in the dark stumbling towards each other, hoping to find some skin?

Well, that got a little sexy, didn't it?

Good night, everyone.

Drive safe.

There are dangerous deer out there.

They love going through your windshield.

Can't get enough of it.

And that, as they say,

is that.

Oh.

Hi.

Hark, a straggler.

I liked your speech.

Thanks.

Did I make a speech?

Yes, it was at the beginning of the night.

Ah, feels a million miles away.

Huh.

Who are you?

Clementine.

Midnight Burger is made possible in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters.

Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, Second Bethany, Sparker, Milo Loves Mycelium, Sarah Freckles, Zoe Georgina Marsh, The Art Sherpa, Lucrezia, Amy Pollard, The Waiting Pool Pirates, Chelsea G, Mel Momberg, Cosmic Shrug, Kingpin, Miss Chris Still Making Sandwiches, Kurt Bartnick, D.

Fox, Nicole Colangello, The Real Dirt Fairy, Rogue, Kenny, SCRB Mark 11, Adrian Ramirez, Genuine Jacob, Schnoogens, Stephen Robin Poole, Pathos, Andrea Strick, Sir Cat Dad, Velocicate, Chancho Villa, Justine Burbank, PG Zatowichi, Disco Funkslinger, Edgy Steve, Incorrigible Ross, Hullandis, Alice Malice, Todd Van Voris, Thomas Stolen, Michael Christian, Moldy Bred Millie, Tarvox Stormbringer, Magnificent Hogbeast, Brockowini, Theo Alexdeen, Purple Saline, Antigone Brickman, Jen C., Leia B., Blargo, Blargo, Blargo, Onyx Rose, Charlington Beastcoat, Whitney Bliss, Tamara Oliver, Jackie Wavelet, Marissa, Terry, Maggie's Yarm, Zealous Pragma, Aaron Mitchell, Raven the Neko Queen, Melvis Gray Mystery, Om Vega, Codex Typo, Creator67, Sono Nasuno, John Dew, Courtney Dupona, Ruth McCormick, Stuck in Derplahoma, It's Just Blake, Dancing Dog Dreams, J.R.

the Hiker Bear, Menlore, Tracy, Calibri, The Green Street Major, Nate, Three Legs Are Perfectly Good, Hippo, Maloran, Marunmai Salil, Kara, Late Indeed Again, Ian Herzler, Mother of Thor, Nth Anomaly, Special K, Ryan Abbey, Captain Blepp, Sarah Bergenholz, Zacky Nat, Coat Full of Owls, Nea, Anna, Ben and Jessica, the artist formerly known as Mouse Cop, Levi, Curtis Charles Sr., Dalek Steve, Darcy D, and existentially exhausted beam.

Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all.

Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember, we're out there, somewhere, looking for you.

We open at six.

Well, at least there'll be a good spot in the food court today.

We're really gonna give Mrs.

Foods.

we're really gonna get we're

all right

are we

damage to the fabric of space-time should be easy to spot pardon me sir is that damage to the fabric

should be easy to spot pardon me sir okay

i am working with four separate things right

Fuck yeah, you should.

It's the payload good midnight diner.

Hang on.

We got a midnight midnight diner sighting.

Oh, man.

Oh, no.

The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today, it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly, must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.