Midnight Burger Interludes Part 2: Life in the Triad

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Hello again, everyone.

It's Joe.

We are back to roll out some more miniature episodes for you while we are at work on season three, coming back in November/slash/December.

This next collection of stories we are calling Life in the Triad.

We spent a lot of time in season two in a place called the Triad, which is the three galaxies: Milky Way, Andromeda, and Triangulum.

And we wanted to do a few things, kind of filling out that world and the people who live in it.

This first one centers on a character that we met in season three named Bertbert.

Bertbert is an old friend of Leif's, and she became a prisoner of the Ted Empire.

And we wanted to show you the story of how that all came to be.

So please enjoy our first piece, Interview with the Empire, or whatever happened to Bert Bert.

Attention.

Staff efficiency at 93%.

Please engage efficiency improvement protocols.

Okay,

this is Bert Bert.

I'll start this the way I always do.

These recordings are not for public release.

They are for my personal notes and for my edification only, which means if you are hearing this, you are committing some sort of crime or something has happened to me.

Hopefully, the former.

Hello?

I'm sorry, who are you?

You requested an interview.

From someone in the TED Tube division.

I've never seen you before.

Well, I'm what you're getting.

Would you like to cancel?

No.

I appreciate you speaking with me.

Whoever you are.

Uh-huh.

Won't take long, I promise.

Okay.

So I guess my first question is, who are you?

I'm afraid that's classified.

Seriously?

You guys are amazing.

I apologize for the inconvenience.

My personal classification is toxic.

They sent a classified officer to talk to me so that I couldn't quote anyone.

That's correct.

That reminds me, you're not recording this, are you?

Of course not.

Great.

So you're not recording and you can't directly quote me because you don't know who I am.

I feel like this is going to be a very productive interview.

I feel like this isn't going to be an interview at all.

This isn't my division.

I had to take two separate shuttles to get here, and it's a massive waste of my time.

I decided it should be a massive waste of time for you as well.

This is ridiculous.

I know, right?

All of the information you will get in this interview will be totally useless.

But why don't we do the interview anyway, just for fun?

Oh, for fuck's sake, fine.

My questions basically center on the TED tube system and specifically a few systems that are currently under development.

The TED tube system, you're of course referring to the series of warp gates throughout the system created by us.

That's right.

You got to this interview by taking a TED tube, is that correct?

Yes.

It was very convenient.

How was the ride?

Smooth as silk.

Great!

It's an amazing thing, isn't it?

Without these warp gates, we'd all still be stuck on our home world.

And the Ted Empire wouldn't control anything, isn't that right?

I'm sorry.

There's something that comes along with the TED tubes.

The Ted Empire controlling all of the travel in three galaxies.

Somebody's got to do it.

Assuming that's true, that somebody has to do it.

Can anyone do it?

What do you mean?

Well, the technology is completely owned by the Ted Empire.

Other planets can't develop their own warp gate technology, can they?

They are certainly welcome to try, but that's a lot of resources and a lot of research time.

Meanwhile, our warp gates are here right now, so why bother?

You wouldn't feel a bit uncomfortable if a foreign power was controlling your commerce?

I'd feel uncomfortable if it wasn't the TED Empire controlling it, but guess what?

It is.

So, your stranglehold on the system.

Wow.

Whoa.

Yikes.

Stranglehold?

Excuse me.

Your complete control of intergalactic travel shouldn't be alarming because it's your empire that's doing it.

And the Ted Empire is what?

Nice.

We have a shared concern with every planet in the three systems.

Shared concern.

That's the term you're going to go to.

We are working for every planet in the triad.

We are here to help them achieve their dreams as a people.

For a hefty price, right?

Well, yeah.

The Teds expend a lot of resources creating this intergalactic system.

It's only fair that planets should pay their share of the burden.

Some planets reportedly have to give up two-thirds of their exploitable resources in order to become a member of the TED Tube Network.

That number sounds a little high to me, but look,

think of the opportunity it opens you up to when you become a member of this network.

You can now trade with any other member planet in the entire system.

Trade with what?

You just gave up two-thirds of your resources.

Let me move on.

What's your home planet again?

I'm sorry.

Where are you from?

CGS.

Of course.

You know, we've been very tolerant of CGS and its dedication to journalistic integrity, don't you think?

Tolerance?

When was the last time someone from your planet had anything nice to say about the TED Empire?

I don't know.

When was the last time you did something nice?

Well, you're very critical of the TEDs, but your planet is also a member of the TED Tube Network.

That's true.

Luckily, we could afford it.

And you have made a killing selling your geothermal technology to several planets.

Am I right?

The TED Empire has been very good for your people.

You seem to imply that we should somehow be compliant to the TED Empire.

A little gratitude.

Why do you need our gratitude when we've paid your exorbitant fees?

Can we move on with the questions, please?

Sure.

There's been some criticism lately of the TED Tube network.

There's always been criticism.

The criticism has gotten pretty loud, wouldn't you say?

Loud criticism is something we can handle.

A lot of people travel through your network of warp gates without even knowing how they work, isn't that right?

Isn't that right?

Is a great way to turn a statement into

a question.

Isn't that right?

We conducted a poll on our planet and found that 76% of responders don't know how your gates work.

This information is available to anyone.

When they're told that you have to destroy an entire solar system to make one,

their opinion of the TED tube system drops precipitously.

We don't destroy a solar system.

How would you you describe it?

What we're doing is creating a stable wormhole, and that requires a lot of energy.

There's only one place in the universe where we can get energy like this.

You black out an entire star to make one game.

No, the star remains intact.

You build a structure around the star, though.

You capture the entire star and black out that entire solar system.

Do you have any idea how many stars there are in the universe?

We can lose some stars.

And what happens to the planetary bodies in this solar system?

Okay, can we just stop for a second and marvel at what the TED Empire has accomplished here?

We completely envelop a star and capture its energy.

It's beyond imagining.

Well, it was imagined on Earth several years ago, and the Earthlings are a primitive race.

Don't, don't talk to me about Earth, okay?

They're all ideas, no execution.

Anybody can imagine something.

You just said it was beyond imagining.

What I'm saying is,

why can't we rally around this?

Why can't we celebrate this idea?

What happens to the solar systems?

You completely cover their star.

What happens to the planets in that system?

We take very good care to make sure that any system we mark for development has no sentient life on it.

Of any kind?

Zero.

What about simple life forms, microbial life?

It's crowded out there.

There's a lot of life in these three galaxies.

I'm pretty sure we can lose a few microbes and fungus.

We're losing microbes and fungus and suns all because you decide it's okay.

As we've said before, when when a solar system has been flagged for development, we do a comprehensive survey of every planet and moon to make sure it doesn't harbor any sentient life.

These aren't usable solar systems.

They can't be colonized.

They're just sitting out there waiting for us to do something with them.

Let's talk about bilious.

Bilius is very exciting.

It's a very powerful star, a very rare star.

And you're going to destroy it.

Again,

we don't destroy anything.

I'm so sorry.

You're going to cover it up completely and harness its energy.

Yes.

I have two separate reports from two separate expeditions saying that there is intelligent life in this system.

We can't listen to reports from every fly-by-night expedition putting a skiff together to go play scientists.

These are very well-respected scientists.

We disagree.

Our process of surveying for alien life is very thorough, and we plan on doing a comprehensive sweep of the system before we begin building.

Will we be allowed to see the data you collect?

Sure.

Sure.

Okay.

Thanks for that.

Well, this has been fun.

What are you building outside of Triangulum?

I'm sorry.

On the outer rim of Triangulum, you're building something.

It's not a warp gate.

We don't know what it is.

I've seen the images.

It looks like wind chimes.

It looks a lot like wind chimes.

It is not wind chimes.

Well, I sure hope not because there's no wind out there.

I hear it's an experiment with time crystals.

Do you have any idea how dangerous dangerous it is to experiment with time crystals?

You are not here about the TED tubes at all, are you?

Oh, no, I am, but I'm multitasking.

You see, when will I get another chance to speak with anonymous sources within the Ted Empire?

That's how I'll be describing you, by the way.

Anonymous sources in the Ted Empire.

I'm sure your bosses will love it.

There are no bosses.

Right.

There are no bosses in the Ted Empire, sure.

That's what you say, but in my experience, every Empire who says they're the New World Order just turns out to be Genghis Khan with a paint job.

Genghis Khan was an Earthling?

Yeah, I know who Genghis Khan was.

Really?

That's interesting.

That's pretty obscure Earth knowledge.

I'd only expect an Earth expert to know something like that.

You know, I just don't understand,

you people!

Do you have any idea how much the TED Empire has changed things?

I guess nobody remembers what it was like before we came along.

Three galaxies filled with people looking up at the sky and wondering if anyone was out there.

Nobody remembers how lonely all that was because the TED Empire came along and told people they weren't alone.

We told people that if they chipped in and played their part, we could transform this entire corner of the universe and we did.

People were able to travel to new planets, new galaxies.

It transformed everything.

And now look.

Now all people can do is complain about us.

Now all of a sudden every star and every planet is sacred.

Progress requires a little destruction.

Don't you get that?

I think we all get that.

I think what we have a problem with is your definition of progress.

And what is our definition of progress?

A whole heck of a lot of progress for the Ted Empire and very little for the rest of us.

Agree

to disagree.

You're pointing a weapon at me.

Breaking news.

Killing journalists would be a new low for the Ted Empire.

Don't worry.

It'll just incapacitate you.

And what happens after you incapacitate me?

You will be a part of a new initiative in the Ted Empire.

And what is that?

Don't win over the press,

be

the press.

Begin report.

Final effort to neutralize Bert Bert, the journalist from Segius, went over like a lead balloon.

She's been incapacitated.

Oh, by the way, I was right about her knowing about our time crystal experiments.

If I hadn't intercepted her and conducted this interview instead of the usual dum-dums you guys foisted onto the the press, she could have blown the lid off the whole thing.

This was an excellent choice on my part, and I am sure that I will get zero credit for it.

Please reduce sarcasm levels.

Anyway, she'll be a perfect candidate for reconditioning.

Let's make Bert Bert

the new voice of the TED Empire.

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Up next, we have a piece that we call the Westernville Town Hall.

In chapter 15 of season two, we saw Casper and the ex go to a planet called Menlor that was populated only by Wild West simulation robots who were slowly becoming sentient.

I can't believe that sentence just came out of my mouth.

And they had to leave very suddenly as the robots were suddenly just realizing who they were and where they came from.

And we wanted to kind of just for a second check back in.

And just, you know, see how things are going in this new robot society that they're creating for themselves.

So please enjoy the Westernville Town Hall.

Y'all, y'all, let's come to order.

We've got all sorts of sorting to do, so let's quit our yapping.

Thank y'all.

Okay, now I think I'm supposed to bang this gavel, so here I go banging it.

Here we go.

All right.

Now let's start with the simple stuff.

This is the first official town meeting.

for the town of Westernville, which we have all just recently learned is not just outside of Tulsa, but in fact on the planet Menlor which is just outside of a constellation called Cygnus that is in fact about 6,000 light years from Tulsa.

Now I don't know what a light year is but I think we can all agree that something called a light year sounds real darn far.

Also what we have learned is that we are all robots which I think we're all agreed is a surprise.

Now I never liked surprises much but to awaken one day with the knowledge that I was not flesh and blood but in fact a semi-ilacrum of a man, really put some steam inside this hat of mine.

Y'all, it was a real humdinner.

Now, what we have decided is that we got to start somewheres.

So, it was Anna's suggestion that we do what we've always done and have ourselves a good old-fashioned town meeting.

Uh, yes, Anna, did you have a comment?

Yes, Bart, thank you.

I don't remember recommending a town hall to you, but I do think it's a real good idea.

I apologize for the confusion there, and this is a good reason why we need to have this here town meeting.

It was not yourself, Anna, that suggested, but in fact, the Anna that is about three Annas to your left.

That's right.

Hey there, Anna.

I appreciate the suggestion.

And therein lies the problem, y'all.

We all got the same names.

All the fellers in town got the name of Bart, and all the ladies got the name of Anna.

And I feel like that just ain't going to cut it in the long term, y'all.

How the heck am I going to know who the heck I'm talking about if we all got the same name?

So can we all agree that the first order of business here today is for us to figure out what the heck we're going to call each other.

Yeah?

We're agreed?

Okay, resolved.

And I'm gonna bang this gavel again.

Now, why don't y'all step up to the podium there and just speak your mind about whatever issue that you're working on.

Yeah, okay, Bart, what's on your mind?

Good day to you, Bart.

I'd like to say that it's a bit of good news for myself when I found that we were all named Bart.

You see, there could not be a less Irish name.

than of Bart.

And I was always confused about how I ended up with it.

So now I find myself presented presented with choosing for myself a real Irish name.

But there's quite a few of them out there, Bart.

We're not all named Seamus.

Well, that's true, Borr.

You you got all kinds of names to choose from, yeah.

You got your Brendan, your Liam, Shane, Shane's a real good one.

Fiona.

The choices are plentiful, to be sure.

The problem I seem to be having is that I don't seem to be Irish at all, now do I?

The way I see it, Ireland's just about as far away as anything else, about six thousand of them light years have been talking about.

That's one heck of a pickle you got there, Borr.

Seeing as you're talking like an Irish person, it turns out you're just as Irish as anyone else in the town hall right now.

At the same time, we're all starting at square one, and you gotta start somewheres.

So I figured that you may as well start with the Irish name, since you're gonna have to pick some kind of starting place somewheres in-house.

That's awfully fine advice, Bart.

I appreciate it.

Sure thing, Bart.

Who's next there?

Oh, hey, Sister Annie.

Hello, Bart.

Good day to you all.

I have to say, I have deep concerns regarding this business with our names.

Well, that's what these town meetings are for, so let's hear it.

Our names are chosen when we take our vows as sisters of the church, as you all know.

I feel it would be sacrilege to change the name I have chosen for my devotion to our Creator.

I'd say there, Sister Anna, that the problem there is that you and them blessed sisters all chose the same name when you devoted yourself to the church and all.

But it is still our holy name, Bart.

Sure thing.

Is there any way y'all can maybe have a do over?

I don't know what you mean by a do over.

Well, sometimes in the morning when I make some coffee, it just don't turn out right.

So I just have myself another go at it.

Now, I ain't familiar with the ins and outs of such holy business, but maybe it'd be alright with the Almighty if y'all just chucked it, came around on it fresh.

Well,

such a thing has never been done before.

Don't I know it, sister?

There's a whole heck of a lot of that going on, if you'll pardon my language.

I don't imagine there's nobody in town who's feeling accustomed to the particulars of their situation right about now.

I thought of writing the diocese of this matter, but, well.

Yeah, I hear you, sister.

There ain't no Pony Express that's going to make it 6,000 of them light years they've been talking about.

Have you looked into the good book at all?

Maybe there's something, even though a bit on the thin side, that can help us through this.

Well, there is, Corinthians.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.

The old has passed away.

Behold, the new has come.

Well, now that's real pretty.

I do like that.

Sister, maybe y'all ought to pray on it a bit.

Maybe save these particular biscuits for morning, if y'all are catching my meaning.

Very well.

We shall pray.

And until them prayers get answered, what we're all going to do is just refer to y'all as the Sister Annas, and then as y'all get more guidance from upstairs, we can adjust our salutations.

Okay, who's next?

Hi there, Bart.

Good morning to you, Bart.

I appreciate you calling upon me.

Well, sure, thank you.

It's a small issue, but I feel an important one.

You just mentioned that we would be referring to our local ladies of the church as Sister Anna's.

I wanted to interject that the correct term would, in fact, be sisters Anna as a collective pronoun.

Good looking out, Bart.

Thank you for that.

Y'all hear that?

It ain't Sister Anna's, it's Sisters Anna.

We all good with that?

Okay?

I'm banging the gavel again.

Up next.

Okay, Bart, what have you got for us?

I ain't changed my name to nothing other than Bart, Bart.

And if any of y'all got problems with that, I encourage you to pick up one of these six bullets.

Bart, damn it, can you stop threatening to shoot people who disagree with you?

Bart's my name, and I ain't changing it.

Hell, Bart, what if there's someone else here who's taking a fancy to the name Bart?

And that's a dead man walking.

Bart, you're putting a bit of a paw on this here town meeting with your threats.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, Bart, may I speak?

Sure thing, Anna.

You've got something for us?

Yes.

Well, I was thinking before the town hall that such a a problem may rear its ugly head, and I thought I'd find a solution before the head went to rearing itself.

I appreciate you getting up before the chickens on that one, Anna.

What have you got for us?

Well, I thought, when we got to addressing the problem of our names, that there may be one or two of us that may like to stick with what we've got.

So I headed down to our library and I got to looking into a few things.

What'd you dig up?

Well, it seems that the name Bart is actually short for something.

Is that right?

Yes, for several things.

In fact, Bart can be short for Bartholomew.

Also, Barton.

Also, Bartolomeo.

Ain't that a thing?

All right, Bart.

You take a shine at any of them.

I'd like to be Bartolomeo.

Sure thing.

We can get behind that, can't we, y'all?

Resolved then.

Bart here, and by Bart, I mean this particular Bart, who's always threatening to shoot y'all.

This here Bart is now named Bartolomeo.

I'm banging the gavel.

Who's up next?

Howdy, Anna.

What's on your mind?

Well, I'm mighty steamed, as I'm sure you can reckon, Bart.

Y'all got a long list of things we're steamed about, Anna.

What's the particulars of your steam?

I've been running that there saloon for as long as I can remember.

H.A.

has been in at one time or another.

But guess what, Bart?

I can't serve no drinks no more because none of y'all, myself included, partake in any sort of liquid, nor do you eat any of the food that I put out for you, seeing as uh how these bodies ours don't require no food nor drink.

And I'm wondering what the heck I'm supposed to do with myself in light of my business turning into just a big bunch of nonsense.

That's well heard, Anna.

Y'all, if we can stick a nail in this issue of what the heck everyone's name is, another pressing issue is what the heck we're gonna do with ourselves, seeing as how we've been doing a heck of a lot of play acting for who knows how long.

None of us need neither food nor drink.

All we got to do is set ourselves down in one of them charging stations for a little bit each day.

It's confusing as all get out, and I ain't clear on what we're going to do about it all.

Excuse me, Bart, may I speak to that?

Sure can, Anna.

You got something for us?

Well, I think we can all agree that these are confusing times for all of us.

One day our lives are one thing, and then

the other, they're

whatever this new thing is.

We all spent a heck of a long time doing things that just didn't need need doing.

It's real rough to look back on your life and see that you spent a whole mess of time just, well, wasting time.

I'm gonna admit something to y'all now.

Before we were all awakened to our current situation, all I ever talked about were my two children, Bart and Anna,

how they were such a handful, and how we were all waiting for their father to come on back from Tulsa.

And then one day, I woke to find that I didn't really have them little ones, and I didn't have no husband that was going to be coming back from Tulsa any time now.

You see, that was just something I was supposed to talk about.

There weren't actually no husband, and there weren't no children.

And what I'm going to admit to y'all now is

that I was relieved.

It was a relief to know that there wasn't yet another thing that was chosen for me.

I don't know that any of us can bear children, or that any of us will need to do things like get married and such, but if it is possible, it should be something we choose to do, not something that's handed to us.

So, while this is all confusing and we've all had the wind taken out of us real bad, I'd like to offer that we should perhaps have a speck of gratitude amongst the confusion.

From here on out, we make our own choices.

That may mean letting go of what we know and what we understand, but I say we let go of what was.

with the knowledge that a brand new thing is out there somewheres waiting for us.

That's a heck of a thing, annie i appreciate you saying so y'all i think if i could get us all down to brass tacks it'd be to say what now where to i suppose the pickle you get yourself into when no one's telling you what to do is that you gotta figure out for yourself what to do uh yes bart apologies bartolomeo i'm gonna get a posse together no no bartolomeo we do not need a posse there ain't no one to chase down i'm saying i'm gonna get a posse together to head on out see what's out there outside the city, see if there's anything might be useful.

All right, all right, I hear you.

That ain't half bad.

If any of y'all want to join Bartolomeo's posse, y'all talk to him after the meeting.

What else we got?

Well, I was looking up about the names.

I got a whole list of common names, and I could put together a raffle of sorts where people can reach in and grab themselves a new name if they don't want to choose one for themselves.

All right, well, now we're cooking with a little bacon, aren't we?

Anna's gonna handle the naming naming situation.

And for clarity's sake, that's the Anna that is four rows down and three Anna's in.

Talk to that, Anna.

What else we got?

The sisters, Anna, and myself shall pray upon the situation and hope to gain guidance from the Almighty.

Okay, then.

We got some exploration, some organization, and a little bit of prayer.

I reckon those three things combined may offer us a way forward.

Hell, in the end, maybe that's all anybody's got.

I'm gonna bang this gal, bring us to a close.

Then I'm gonna gonna be here tomorrow and the next day, and we'll just keep on having these meetings till y'all get sick of me.

Then we'll probably just keep on having them after that.

Okay, y'all?

Thank y'all.

Adjourn.

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Our final piece centers on the character of Ted.

Now, Ted was supposed to be just the straight-up villain for all of season two, but because my friend Ben Burdick played it so well, he kind of wound up being a fan favorite, and a lot of people ended up kind of empathizing with Ted and his dilemma.

Anyway, we see a lot of Ted in the first part of the season and in the last part of the season, and we were kind of wondering, well, what went on in the middle?

for Ted?

And what was his journey like a little bit?

So we created this piece called Ted in Exile.

Now, this also introduces another fan favorite character, Harstein, who you saw in chapter 17 as the sort of Hollywood deal-making member of the Ted Empire.

And this is where Harstein got his big start.

So, played by Tommy Zanstein very incredibly well.

So, please enjoy our final piece for today: Ted in Exile.

Begin report.

Survey asset 3649 in the bilious system.

We are about to begin scans of Planet 3.

Visual scans detect no signs of sentient life so far.

So, how do you like the new job?

It's fine.

You get used to it.

When I first got my assignment, I thought it would suck, but I don't know.

I kind of like it.

Lots of downtime.

I watch a ton of Earth Portal.

Do you watch any Earth Portal?

No.

Yeah, I hear you.

I'll admit, it's pretty stupid stuff, but I get addicted.

The Hillary Clinton show was hilarious.

I was so pissed when they canceled it.

I thought for sure it was gonna run for a few more seasons.

A lot of people did.

What?

Uh, nothing.

How many probes do we have left?

Uh, three.

Should be enough to cover this planet, right?

We'll be fine.

This assignment's weird, right?

They already started building the dead tube.

They're gonna block out the sun before we're done making sure nobody lives here.

It's a very important assignment.

This is a high-priority system because of the star.

What's the big deal about the star?

It's a different kind of star.

It's incredibly powerful.

When we block it out and harness its power, we'll be able to build the biggest warp gate we've ever built.

Then what?

Then

we'll have a really

big

gate.

It's important.

Okay.

Launch probe one.

Bombs away.

There are different kinds of stars.

Yes.

What?

How long have you been doing this assignment?

I got out of assessment.

It's all I've done.

And you never noticed that stars are different?

No.

In my defense, you're not supposed to look right at them.

They told you that, right?

Not to look at them.

They didn't have to tell me to not look directly at the sun.

Everybody knows that.

I mean, I didn't get the memo.

It was a rough first year.

I almost went blind.

No one in your life has ever told you not to stare at the sun?

Yeah, I guess.

I just figured in space it was okay.

Like, it wouldn't be as bad.

It's way,

way worse.

Well, yeah, man.

I know that now.

Did they tell you to not go outside without a space suit on?

You got that memo.

Okay.

Very funny.

Launch probe two.

Can you not say bombs away,

please?

Yes, sorry.

Launching probe two.

I heard a rumor about you.

Wanna hear what it was?

Nope.

I heard you got reassigned from a top-secret mission.

Is that true?

That's none of your business.

Come on, we're gonna be out here for a while.

If it was a top-secret mission, I can't tell you about it.

Look, it's not a big deal, okay?

A lot of people get reassigned here after they screw up their job.

There's no shame in it.

I didn't screw up my job, okay?

And it is a big deal.

I was in charge of an entire top-secret mission, and now I'm in charge of a two-man skiff in the middle of nowhere.

It's a big deal.

I knew it.

It's all good, man.

No, it's not.

It is, in fact, all bad.

This is a punishment.

I'm being punished.

This is the crappiest job in the Empire that they reserve for failures, and here I am.

Hey, watch it.

I'm good at this job.

You spent the first year staring into the sun.

Doesn't that give you an idea of the skill level they're looking for?

With your top-secret job being a dick, launch probe three bombs away.

I'm sorry,

I like my job.

I was just telling you I like my job.

I know, and I'm sorry.

I apologize.

We're gonna be out here for a long time.

Maybe figure out how to not be an asshole.

I will, okay?

Do you want to tell me what your top secret project was as a way of apologizing to me?

Keeping it a secret is the only part of it that I didn't screw up, so no.

Bummer.

Anything good on Earth Portal these days?

Oh man, where do I start?

I watch everything, right?

But I always have that one show that I don't miss.

But they canceled the Hillary Clinton show, so I had to find something else.

And then last week, I found it: the Elon Musk show.

Hilarious.

This one time, this guy saved a bunch of kids from drowning, and Elon called him a pedophile, like randomly, for no reason.

And everybody was like, Wow, look at this guy, so smart.

Yeah, I know who he is.

Aha!

So you do watch Earth Portal.

I knew it.

I really don't.

Oh, yeah?

Then how do you know Elon Musk?

What?

Were you an Earth expert in your last gig?

Oh my

god i can't talk about you were an earth expert nobody gets that assignment i thought it was a myth it's not a myth is it a dream do you just watch earth portal all day i i can't talk about the specifics okay but actually when you're an earth expert you're not allowed to watch earth portal

why not that's the policy

Is it not real?

Elon Musk isn't actually like that?

No, he definitely is.

but we're not allowed.

I have so many questions.

Can I ask you questions?

I promise I won't ask about top-secret stuff.

Yeah, sure.

Go ahead.

Uh, where do I start?

Oh, okay.

Is it true that there's a place called Illinois, and to be the leader of Illinois, you have to commit crimes?

No, that's not true.

It feels true.

Is it true they used to have slavery, but all those slaves were freed by a giant?

What?

No, that's.

He was just really tall.

What is the deal with that ceremony where they get together with a bunch of people they hate, eat a bunch of food, and then a month later give those same people a bunch of gifts?

That's two separate holidays, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

No.

Again, it feels that way, but it's not.

And how do they make beer out of light?

No, that's not what it is.

It's not made out of light.

It's just lighter beer.

Why do they make it lighter?

Well, because they really like it, and they say to themselves, hey, if I make this less enjoyable, maybe I can drink more of it.

Why would they drink more of it if it's less enjoyable?

Honestly, I studied the planet my whole life and I still don't understand it.

It's so much fun, though, man.

Yeah.

You do a fun thing long enough, it just becomes a job.

Was there anything you liked about it?

Yeah.

Like what?

In the middle of the planet, there's a huge forest, massive, like the ones we used to have on TED.

It makes most of the oxygen in the atmosphere, and in the middle of that is the biggest river you've ever seen.

Three million different species of animals live in that one forest.

2,500 types of trees.

There are trees there that when they get tall enough, they can make their own clouds out of thin air.

Some of the trees are so big that an animal can spend its whole life in just one tree.

That sounds amazing.

They're chopping it all down for fuel.

Idiots.

What's that?

Probe one is touched down.

It's sending back audio.

Let's hear it.

What the hell is that?

Analyze the audio.

Hang on.

Sounds like giant crickets.

What's a cricket?

Never mind.

Oh, shit.

What?

Analysis says it's sentient.

No way.

It's sentient.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Pattern analysis says reads as complicated language.

Mother

fucker, are you serious?

I'm serious.

Oh, that's just great.

Fantastic.

It is fantastic.

No, it's not.

They're going to have to abandon this entire system.

They can't black out out a system that has sentient life.

That's the first protocol.

Jesus!

What kind of fucking bad luck do I have?

Buddy, you don't get it, do you?

What are you talking about?

What's there to get?

I've gone from one doomed assignment to another.

They're going to have to shut down this entire project and abandon the system.

Seriously?

Yes!

You're adorable.

What are you talking about?

I'm gonna shut off this noise and I'm gonna teach you something.

What's happening?

Friend of mine, let me break this down for you.

We spend our lives in these tiny ships surveying systems for alien life.

And our home planet always hopes we don't find it, because if we do, then they can't build a warp gate.

But every once in a while, they jump the gun and start making a warp gate before we're done surveying.

And when they jump the gun, we secretly wait for the perfect storm.

What's the perfect storm?

The perfect storm is when you find alien life in a system where they've already started building.

I don't understand how that's the perfect storm.

They're going to have to abandon the system after half the work is already done.

You really think our home world is gonna waste all those resources it's spent on this system?

You said it yourself.

This start is special, right?

Well,

then what are they going to do?

Listen, all we have to do is our job.

We report the alien life to the home world like we always do, and then we wait.

We wait for what?

Reassignment.

They're going to reassign us?

Oh,

not just a reassignment, my friend.

We're gonna get to choose our assignment.

Choose?

Nobody gets to choose their assignment.

That goes against everything.

I know, but they really need the warp gate in this system, and they really need us to keep quiet about whatever we just found on that planet.

So they're gonna give us whatever we want.

I learned about this on Earth Portal.

It's called corruption.

But they're going to destroy this solar system.

There could be a whole civilization down there.

Hey, listen.

That's not up to us.

We're just doing our job.

It's our job to report any alien life we find.

Everything else is up to someone else.

That's the glory of the Ted Empire, man.

Everything is always someone else's fault.

That's another thing I learned from Earth Portal.

It's called bureaucracy.

This doesn't sound right to me at all.

I know, but let me ask you this: your last job, the one you screwed up so bad.

Don't you want a chance to go back and do it right?

You seem to be having a moral dilemma over here, pal.

Here's the thing: there's no moral dilemma right now.

You know why?

Cause we're Teds.

Teds are supposed to just shut up and do our jobs.

Most of the time, that sucks, but every once in a while, eh?

Perfect storm.

Begin report.

This is Survey Asset 3649.

Scans of Planet 3 in the bilious sector have confirmed alien life.

Please advise on next steps.

How do you feel?

I don't know.

Don't worry about it.

You'll get used to it.

I think I'll ask for an assignment at Earth Portal.

Do what you love, you know.

That's what the Earthlings say.

Sure.

What about you?

Are you gonna go back to your old job?

Yeah,

yeah.

I think I'll go back.

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