Midnight Burger Interludes Part 1: Idle Moments

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Speaker 2 Hi there, folks.

Speaker 5 It's Joe Fisher, creator of Midnight Burger. This episode you are about to listen to is part of the Apollo Creators Showcase 2022.

Speaker 5 Listen to all of the episodes of the showcase and support all of the creators involved by going to www.apollopods.com/slash Joe.

Speaker 5 I hope to see you on Apollo, and I hope you enjoy this special episode we created for you.

Speaker 5 All through our last season on our subscriber feeds, we were doing something called interludes, which were short pieces that we would send out to subscribers in between the main episodes that were a fun way to kind of fill out the story and get some backstory on people, have moments between characters where they wouldn't normally fit into an episode, but they were nice moments.

Speaker 5 They were a lot of fun to do and great to send out to our subscribers. And now here we are on hiatus.
We are hard at work on season three, coming back in November and December.

Speaker 5 And we thought we would bring these interludes to the public feed now. They're a lot of fun, and we hope you like them.

Speaker 5 This set of interludes we're calling idle moments, just moments between characters that didn't quite fit into the main story, but we found them to be kind of moving sometimes and also just a lot of fun to do.

Speaker 5 So we hope you like them. This first one is called How They Sleep at Night.

Speaker 2 Hello?

Speaker 7 Oh,

Speaker 7 hey.

Speaker 7 How are you feeling?

Speaker 8 Pretty weird. These lamps aren't the same thing as the sun.

Speaker 9 I know.

Speaker 9 But we'll have to make do for a while.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 9 Also, if we show up somewhere and it's nighttime, or if we're not on a planet at all, you're probably going to have to spend some time under the lamps.

Speaker 10 You'll be okay.

Speaker 9 Laif and Ava did the math.

Speaker 8 Why did Ava have something on her face? It's a night mask, and that means we're quiet.

Speaker 9 She sleeps in her booth.

Speaker 8 I theoretically sleep in my booth. It requires much more silence.

Speaker 9 Shell,

Speaker 9 we're kind of on a learning curve here. We're all humans, so we know what to expect from each other.

Speaker 9 Do you sleep?

Speaker 8 Yes, I was sleeping just now. I'm sure it's different from whatever you all do.
When I sleep, I develop another layer of my body. Is that what you do? No.

Speaker 9 Another layer?

Speaker 2 Yes, is that weird?

Speaker 8 Like a tree? Yeah, sort of.

Speaker 9 So while you were asleep on that counter, you got another layer of skin?

Speaker 8 Not skin exactly.

Speaker 2 There's just more of me here.

Speaker 8 I'm a small fraction taller now than I was when I went to sleep. That's interesting.
Oh, that reminds me. Shell, come here.
What's up? What does that say? What is life by Erwin Schrödinger? Huh.

Speaker 8 So you absorb written and verbal language. I guess so.

Speaker 7 What is this?

Speaker 2 A book.

Speaker 8 You should read it. Okay.
What's it made out of? Don't ask.

Speaker 9 Michelle, let me show you everything. You may be here a while.

Speaker 9 There's a truck-stop shower in the bathroom.

Speaker 7 Do you shower?

Speaker 8 Like, with water falling on you?

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 8 It sounds nice, but there's a new layer of me every day, so...

Speaker 9 That's actually super convenient.

Speaker 8 Maybe I will sometimes, though, just for fun.

Speaker 8 To feel like I'm outside.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 8 So, Ava, you sleep here? Yes, and no one else ever. And where...

Speaker 8 Where do the box people sleep?

Speaker 9 Oh, Effie and Zebulon are already asleep. They sleep in their bed.

Speaker 8 They sleep.

Speaker 7 Come out back. Uh.

Speaker 9 Okay. So this is the back.

Speaker 9 There's the dumpster where we throw the garbage.

Speaker 7 Don't ask me where it goes.

Speaker 9 And up here

Speaker 9 is where Leif sleeps. Come say hi.

Speaker 8 Up there.

Speaker 7 Yeah, come on.

Speaker 2 Gloria.

Speaker 9 Yeah,

Speaker 9 I hear you. Watching the stars whip past you when you're used to them sitting still is pretty weird, but I used to get motion sickness in the car, and I got used to this, so you'll be fine.

Speaker 7 Come on.

Speaker 8 Everything's fine.

Speaker 2 Everything is fine.

Speaker 8 Everything is fine.

Speaker 7 Hey, Laif. Hey.

Speaker 12 Oh, hey, Shell.

Speaker 2 How are you doing?

Speaker 8 It depends. Do I have to let go of this ladder?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 8 Feeling not great.

Speaker 2 Here, have a seat.

Speaker 2 Thanks.

Speaker 9 I'm showing Shell where everyone sleeps.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 this is it.

Speaker 13 Welcome to Shea Leif.

Speaker 2 I sleep in that hammock over there. That's my workbench, and you are currently sitting in the living room.

Speaker 8 It's nice and also terrifying.

Speaker 9 What are you working on, Leif?

Speaker 2 Ava wants to try and detect gravity waves for some reason, so I'm trying to make a laser interferometer the size of a shoebox.

Speaker 10 How big are they usually?

Speaker 2 The size of an observatory.

Speaker 8 Leif, I don't understand. How can you possibly sleep under all this? It's not terrifying.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 14 No way.

Speaker 2 It's funny. Any given universe, no matter how much is in it, it's still mostly nothing.

Speaker 2 Light years and light years

Speaker 2 of nothing.

Speaker 2 And yet for me,

Speaker 9 it feels like home. So Shell, Laif is a good person to talk to if you need some kind of thing.

Speaker 2 A thing?

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 9 If you find yourself saying, you know what would be great? A thing that does this,

Speaker 9 then you should talk to Leif. Like this laser thermometer he's making for Ava.

Speaker 12 I'm a thing maker.

Speaker 8 Nutrients.

Speaker 2 Come again.

Speaker 8 Nutrients.

Speaker 8 Just like there may not be a sun wherever we end up, the ground may be

Speaker 8 whatever this stuff is that you guys walk on.

Speaker 12 Right.

Speaker 2 Because you don't eat.

Speaker 8 I'm still not exactly clear on what eating is, but I'm starting to get a sense of it, and I have to say,

Speaker 8 real disturbing, guys. I hear you.

Speaker 2 If I didn't know what eating was and I saw someone eating, I would be like, dude, what are you doing with your face?

Speaker 8 Exactly. Thank you.
So,

Speaker 2 how do you absorb nutrients?

Speaker 8 My feet.

Speaker 2 Crazy.

Speaker 13 So you're kind of plant adjacent.

Speaker 2 Sure. Cool.

Speaker 2 Cool, cool, cool.

Speaker 14 You know what?

Speaker 2 Let's not overcomplicate it.

Speaker 12 Socks.

Speaker 7 Socks? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'll whip up a batch of liquid fertilizer. You soak the socks in the liquid, then wear them at night.
Boom!

Speaker 8 So there are things I wear on my feet?

Speaker 2 Yes. I'm assuming you need the usual stuff.
Phosphorus, nitrogen, potassium.

Speaker 8 If that works for a plant that you know, it'll probably work for me.

Speaker 2 Excellent.

Speaker 2 Now,

Speaker 2 we just need a catchy name.

Speaker 9 Footalizer? We can work on the name later, Leif. Sure.
We can go back down now, shall.

Speaker 2 Oh, good. Thank you.

Speaker 12 Hey, Gloria.

Speaker 2 Can we talk for a minute?

Speaker 7 About what?

Speaker 2 About the fact that you want to go to war with the Teds?

Speaker 7 Oh, that.

Speaker 9 No,

Speaker 7 we can't. Gloria.

Speaker 9 Remember how you said you had a problem dipping your toe in the water and never fully committing to something?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 9 I don't have that problem.

Speaker 9 Get some sleep, Lafe. Big day tomorrow.

Speaker 8 I'm never going to have to sleep up there, am I?

Speaker 9 No, you're fine.

Speaker 2 Great.

Speaker 9 Come this way. I'll show you where to find me if it's late.

Speaker 9 This is the kitchen.

Speaker 8 Did something just move?

Speaker 9 It's the Parmesan. Don't worry about it.

Speaker 9 This is where I sleep.

Speaker 8 It's tiny, but I like it.

Speaker 9 I figured this was probably the manager's room. You'd use it for bookkeeping and stuff, but when you don't charge for the food, nobody gets paid, and you don't have to deal with vendors.

Speaker 9 There's not much to do, so they put a bed in here. It used to be Casper's, then he gave it to me.

Speaker 8 Where did he sleep?

Speaker 9 Behind the counter, though, he never really slept much.

Speaker 8 What's all this stuff?

Speaker 7 I'm a bit of a souvenir person.

Speaker 9 This is something called a buffalo nickel from 1934.

Speaker 9 This is a feather from a prehistoric turkey.

Speaker 9 This here is called the Grony Morning Braid.

Speaker 9 This is a picture of all of us.

Speaker 9 This was on a planet called Niso. Apparently, booze cruises exist on other planets.

Speaker 8 So

Speaker 8 that's Casper.

Speaker 7 Yeah,

Speaker 7 that's him.

Speaker 8 And who is he?

Speaker 7 He hired me.

Speaker 9 He's gone now. God knows where.

Speaker 2 And what's that a picture of? Oh,

Speaker 9 that's Caesar.

Speaker 9 He's my old Sioux chef. That's kind of like family.
Well, those are his one million kids, and they kind of adopted me as their weird aunt.

Speaker 8 I bet they miss you.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 9 it depends. By the time I make it back to Earth, it might be five minutes before I left.
Then they wouldn't miss me at all.

Speaker 8 I don't understand.

Speaker 7 Never mind.

Speaker 9 Long story.

Speaker 9 Anyway, if you ever need me at night, here's where I'll be. Okay.

Speaker 8 I think I need to get back under those lights.

Speaker 9 Good idea.

Speaker 8 Thank you for all this.

Speaker 8 I'm still really scared, but

Speaker 8 I'm not alone anymore, and that's certainly an improvement.

Speaker 7 I agree.

Speaker 2 Good night.

Speaker 7 Night.

Speaker 2 Hey.

Speaker 8 I get

Speaker 8 really

Speaker 2 big.

Speaker 7 You do?

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 8 That extra layer I add every night, it just keeps

Speaker 11 happening.

Speaker 9 Uh how fast does it happen?

Speaker 8 Really slowly, don't worry.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 10 How big do you get?

Speaker 8 About ten times the size I am now.

Speaker 7 Wow.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 8 I heard Laev calling me an Ent, but I don't know what that means. Oh god.
Anyway, I just wanted to say

Speaker 8 maybe I can protect you from something someday.

Speaker 9 Sure.

Speaker 7 That sounds great.

Speaker 9 We could use some muscle around here.

Speaker 9 All we've got is brains.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Good night, Gloria.

Speaker 9 Good night.

Speaker 8 Can everyone stop moving around, please? Sorry.

Speaker 8 Leaf's making me socks.

Speaker 2 What a guy.

Speaker 8 Readings.

Speaker 8 Reading is interesting, Isn't it?

Speaker 2 Do you have any more of it?

Speaker 8 Yes.

Speaker 2 Could I hear?

Speaker 8 Read this out loud to me. Bertrand Russell always puts me to sleep.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 8 Start at the first thing?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 8 The first thing.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Um.

Speaker 8 Metaphysics, or the attempt to conceive the world as a whole by means of thought, has been developed from the first by the union and conflict of two very different human impulses, the one urging men towards mysticism, the other urging them towards science.

Speaker 8 Some men have achieved greatness through one of these impulses alone, others through the other alone.

Speaker 8 In Hume, for example, the scientific impulse reigns quite unchecked, while in Blake, a strong hostility to science coexists with a profound mystic insight.

Speaker 8 But the greatest men who have been philosophers have felt the need both of science and of mysticism.

Speaker 8 The attempt to harmonize the two was what made their life and what always must, for all its arduous uncertainty, make philosophy to some minds a greater thing than either side or

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Speaker 5 So up next is something that we just called science news. We have two scientists on board Midnight Burger at any given time.

Speaker 5 We have Leif, who is an engineer, and then Ava, who is a theoretical physicist.

Speaker 5 But we try and keep the science talk to something that's story relevant, and we never have them just kind of yakk about science.

Speaker 5 And so we thought, well, what would it be like if they did just kind of talk science for a second?

Speaker 5 What would it be like if, say, Leif and Ava had a moment to react to very recent, very real news headlines, science news from Earth?

Speaker 5 And it became really interesting. It was another moment where we got to explore these characters in a way that we don't normally get to do in the main thrust of the show.
So I hope you enjoy it.

Speaker 5 Here we go. Science news.

Speaker 2 Hey,

Speaker 2 I picked up some news feeds at our last stop.

Speaker 8 Only news about Paul Giamatti, please.

Speaker 2 The Large Hadron Collider is a total bust, apparently. Ha ha, dummies.
They're nowhere on the hierarchy problem. Still? The Higgs is still inexplicably light.

Speaker 8 See, this is beautiful. They build a super collider, the size of a small town, and it doesn't work.
So, they build another super collider, the size of a bigger small town, and it doesn't work.

Speaker 8 So, they build another super collider, the size of the world's biggest small town. And guess what?

Speaker 8 What's the definition of insanity again? You're not bummed out by this? Particle physics only exists for me to make fun of it.

Speaker 2 It says a lot of the particle people are jumping ship, moving to more provable fields. Look at them.

Speaker 8 Picking up their lunch tray to move to a cooler table.

Speaker 2 This sucks. I was excited about these colliders.
Which one?

Speaker 8 The first one that didn't work?

Speaker 8 Or the second one that didn't work? Or the third one that didn't work?

Speaker 2 I secretly had hopes for naturalism.

Speaker 8 You would, you dirty hippie. I dance on the grave of reductionism.

Speaker 2 Why are you talking like these are failed experiments?

Speaker 2 They found this Higgs with these colliders. Yes.

Speaker 7 And then, what happened?

Speaker 2 Apparently, it was all downhill from there.

Speaker 8 I mean, scientists fail all the time, but has there ever been such an epic airball like this? There are now three increasingly larger, miles-long circles on the Earth that cost billions of dollars.

Speaker 8 What are they gonna do with them? Make the world's biggest sumo circle?

Speaker 2 You've gotta have a dream, right?

Speaker 8 This stuff hasn't matched up with the Planck scale since the 70s, and they still said, no, no, it's fine. We'll just make a big thing that smashes things together.

Speaker 2 That'll fix it. But I like big things that smash things together.

Speaker 8 Yeah, you and the rest of the standard model dum-dums.

Speaker 2 Can we talk about how nothing matches the Planck scale? If the universe was injected with the appropriate level of Planckian energy, everything would explode.

Speaker 8 That's why it's super symmetry time, baby.

Speaker 2 I thought supersymmetry was impossible.

Speaker 8 Nah, it's improbable. Sounds like the other ideas that failed after three giant super colliders are the impossible ones.
What else have you got for me?

Speaker 2 Caltech is back on their Planet X bullshit again.

Speaker 8 What is this?

Speaker 2 They have a theory that there's a planet past Pluto. Who cares? Caltech, apparently.
They have some new mathematical evidence of a Neptune-sized planet way past Pluto.

Speaker 8 If there is, we should blow it up. Just to be mean.

Speaker 8 Can we blow up a planet yet?

Speaker 2 These little pet theories drive me crazy. You know they're only talking about this because it sounds cool to donate.

Speaker 8 If they discover it, they should sell the naming rights to the highest bidder. I want there to be a planet Funyons.
Pringle's planet. Would someone from Planet Funyons be a Funyonian?

Speaker 2 Funyonite, I think.

Speaker 2 What else? The Flatiron Institute has a theory about immortal stars.

Speaker 8 What's that?

Speaker 2 Well, they're saying that if a star balances perfectly at the edge of a black hole, it can constantly feed on the accretion disk so it never runs out of fuel.

Speaker 8 I'm perfectly balanced at the edge of Gloria's kitchen, never running out of fuel. Am I an immortal star?

Speaker 2 Oh, this is infuriating. NASA has suspended all spacewalks again.
Why?

Speaker 8 Did somebody get mugged?

Speaker 2 They're having a problem with water collecting in the helmets.

Speaker 8 Water?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 8 In a spacesuit?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 8 In space?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 8 You know, Leaf.

Speaker 8 I'm no engineer, but I feel like water...

Speaker 8 Doesn't need to be in a spacesuit.

Speaker 2 You would be right.

Speaker 8 What's causing it?

Speaker 2 Well, this is where it gets really fun.

Speaker 2 They don't know.

Speaker 8 Water is inexplicably showing up in spacesuit helmets, and NASA has no idea why.

Speaker 2 No idea.

Speaker 8 How much water?

Speaker 2 A few years ago, this one guy had his helmet fill up halfway before he got back to the ISS. Halfway? Yes.

Speaker 2 With water. With water.

Speaker 2 In space. The guy almost drowned in orbit.

Speaker 8 Are they gonna maybe look into this?

Speaker 2 I'm quoting directly.

Speaker 2 Water leaks have been an intermittent issue for the suits for years.

Speaker 2 There are still continuing issues with evidence of water in the spacesuit helmets after the conclusion of an EVA, or even, in some cases, during an EVA

Speaker 2 with no clear root cause for the problem.

Speaker 8 No clear root cause.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 8 Okay, summing up here. For years, NASA astronauts have had their space helmets filling up with water and no one can explain why.

Speaker 2 Correct?

Speaker 8 We're so dumb.

Speaker 2 We're idiots.

Speaker 2 What else?

Speaker 2 Uh,

Speaker 2 they now have a catalog of over 5,000 exoplanets.

Speaker 8 Gee, I wonder if any of them have intelligent life.

Speaker 2 Seriously, this is like reading the local newspaper of your ass backwards hometown.

Speaker 8 I love it. What else?

Speaker 2 Surface of Mercury is covered in diamonds? Boring.

Speaker 2 HR 6819 is not a black hole, turns out.

Speaker 8 What is it?

Speaker 2 It's interesting.

Speaker 2 It's a binary star system, but the little star is dying because the bigger star is eating it, stripping it of all its fuel.

Speaker 8 I was in a relationship like that.

Speaker 8 I was the big star.

Speaker 2 Ah, man.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 This sucks.

Speaker 8 What? Wait. Let me guess.
Um,

Speaker 2 the Earth

Speaker 8 is flat.

Speaker 2 Voyager 1.

Speaker 8 Huh, there's a name I haven't heard in a while.

Speaker 2 The information they're getting back is all jumbled.

Speaker 2 They think it might be malfunctioning.

Speaker 8 Of course, it's malfunctioning. Wasn't it launched during the Hoover administration?

Speaker 2 1977. Well, Leif, come on.
I know.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Oh, Leif.

Speaker 8 Was this your favorite grandparent?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Kinda.

Speaker 8 They had a good run.

Speaker 2 You're right.

Speaker 8 Honestly, I forgot it was still out there. That's impressive.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 It was a real workhorse, you know.

Speaker 2 It's like watching someone you love get senile.

Speaker 8 What's the power source?

Speaker 2 Radioisotopes.

Speaker 8 Well, 1977.

Speaker 8 It's gonna run out of power in a couple of years anyway.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 it is.

Speaker 2 I'd give anything to give it a tune-up.

Speaker 2 Upgrade the power system.

Speaker 2 Give it a flame job.

Speaker 8 Fuzzy dice?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 8 Leaf.

Speaker 8 You seem heartbroken.

Speaker 2 I guess I am, kind of.

Speaker 2 Voyager was the last cool thing NASA did.

Speaker 8 It was pretty cool.

Speaker 2 I remember sitting there at Berkeley, watching the space shuttle put some friggin' CNN satellite in orbit and just thinking, what are you guys doing? Where's my Mars base, you assholes?

Speaker 2 The International Space Station?

Speaker 11 Why?

Speaker 2 Leave.

Speaker 8 Nobody wants to live on Mars.

Speaker 2 I want to live on Mars.

Speaker 8 We've been there three times. You didn't even get off.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 8 It's like Nevada without Las Vegas.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 8 And 300 below zero.

Speaker 2 I know, I know.

Speaker 8 Don't armchair quarterback NASA. They have to deal with congressmen from Tennessee who think the world was made 6,000 years ago.

Speaker 8 I know. Have you ever watched a congressional hearing?

Speaker 8 It's like watching Hee-Haw.

Speaker 2 Complaining about NASA is every engineer's God-given right.

Speaker 2 I had this guy on one of my design teams once. He was from Luxembourg.
He lived in America for most of his life, but his favorite thing to do was complain about Luxembourg.

Speaker 2 I guess that's me now.

Speaker 8 You are really mad at Earth, aren't you?

Speaker 2 Look, do you have any idea how frustrating NASA is to an engineer? They're sitting on a mountain of cool designs that are never going to happen.

Speaker 8 Maybe it's the Ted's fault.

Speaker 2 No, sadly, the NASA mess is all us.

Speaker 2 We sent two Voyager satellites into the unknown with gold records on them.

Speaker 2 Earth's greatest hits, whale songs, kids, blind Willie Johnson.

Speaker 2 That was supposed to be the opening act.

Speaker 2 Here we come, Cosmos.

Speaker 2 We were supposed to move out into the stars.

Speaker 2 Now it's just a bunch of billionaires launching themselves into low orbit saying, wee!

Speaker 2 Kind of sucks being stuck in our native timeline.

Speaker 2 I have to check back in on Earth, and I get depressed.

Speaker 8 You didn't have to check back in.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I guess I didn't.

Speaker 8 When did you leave?

Speaker 2 Earth?

Speaker 2 94.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 8 You missed a few things.

Speaker 2 I kept in touch. That was a mistake.

Speaker 8 Wait, you found dark matter? A lifelong achievement when you were in your twenties?

Speaker 2 I got my master's degree at 19. What do you want me to do? Get a PhD in engineering? Who does that?

Speaker 8 What is?

Speaker 2 It's me. Earth is me.
I am Earth.

Speaker 2 Wow. Wow.

Speaker 8 You really were raised by hippies.

Speaker 2 Tons of potential, but decided to do this other thing instead.

Speaker 2 That's Earth. That's NASA.

Speaker 2 That's me.

Speaker 2 Ah.

Speaker 2 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 8 Yes.

Speaker 2 Leaf,

Speaker 8 you have what I like to call a mean case of the I was never featured on an episode of Nova Blues.

Speaker 2 This isn't about my ego.

Speaker 8 No, but it it is about how you see yourself.

Speaker 8 Maybe you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. And maybe we shouldn't be so hard on our home planet considering there's a fascist galactic empire out there putting their thumb on the scale.

Speaker 2 The problem is,

Speaker 2 sometimes I can't tell the difference. Sometimes I can't tell if it's Earth getting screwed or Earth screwing itself.

Speaker 2 And sometimes I can't tell if I'm getting screwed or I'm screwing myself.

Speaker 2 I discovered dark matter on Earth. Nobody ever knew.

Speaker 2 Carl Sagan made a gold record and sent it out into the great beyond, trying to talk to the rest of the universe.

Speaker 2 Then after that,

Speaker 2 crickets.

Speaker 12 I

Speaker 2 am Earth.

Speaker 8 Leif, do you honestly think Sagan was trying to reach alien races with this dying satellite of yours?

Speaker 2 What else was he trying to do?

Speaker 8 He made a disc of solid gold, and he put on it everything good about humanity. He said, this is us.
Not anything else. The good stuff.
That's us.

Speaker 8 He made it official.

Speaker 8 He wasn't trying to talk to the stars, Leaf. He was trying to talk to us.

Speaker 8 That's all he was ever trying to do.

Speaker 2 Fine, Carl Sagan was great. I'm not.
What?

Speaker 8 No, I'm saying.

Speaker 8 Where is it?

Speaker 2 Hang on.

Speaker 2 Don't give me some quote that's going to change my life.

Speaker 8 No, actually, it's going to depress the shit out of you.

Speaker 2 Hang on.

Speaker 2 Aha.

Speaker 8 Demon-haunted World by Carl Sagan. Published in 1995.
The year after you left Earth.

Speaker 2 Here we go.

Speaker 8 Science is more than a body of knowledge. It is a way of thinking.

Speaker 8 I have a foreboding of an America in my children's or grandchildren's time when the United States is a service and information economy, when nearly all the key manufacturing industries have slipped away to other countries, when awesome technological powers are in the hands of a very few, and no one representing the public interest can even grasp the issues.

Speaker 8 When the people have lost the ability to set their own agendas or knowledgeably question those in authority, when, clutching our crystals and nervously consulting our horoscopes, our critical faculties in decline, unable to distinguish between what feels good and what is true, we slide almost without noticing back into superstition and darkness.

Speaker 2 Shit.

Speaker 8 This is what he was fighting against his whole life.

Speaker 8 Carl Sagan, baddest motherfucker in the joint, failed.

Speaker 8 Everything in this passage came true. And you're sitting there feeling sorry for yourself because you've done more and seen more than any engineer in the history of the world?

Speaker 8 Get it together, dude!

Speaker 8 You and I are more on the brink of constant discovery than anyone in the history of our world.

Speaker 8 The catch is

Speaker 8 no one may ever know.

Speaker 2 And that's okay.

Speaker 8 I don't need people to know I'm right, Leif. I just need to be right.

Speaker 8 Long story short, be more like me.

Speaker 8 It's great over here in this booth.

Speaker 2 I'll consider it. Okay?

Speaker 2 Good.

Speaker 8 What's some good news? I'm sure there was some.

Speaker 2 There is one.

Speaker 8 Let's hear it.

Speaker 2 The James Webb Telescope. Really? They finally got it in orbit.
It's almost ready to go.

Speaker 8 Is there a butt in there?

Speaker 2 Honestly?

Speaker 2 Not really.

Speaker 2 It's up. It's working.
Pretty soon now we'll be able to look deeper into the universe than we ever have.

Speaker 2 They're saying we might be able to even see planets light years away. Even see what their atmospheres are made up of.

Speaker 8 We are going to photobomb the shit out of that thing.

Speaker 15 Absolutely.

Speaker 15 As the Secretary General of the United Nations, an organization of 147 member states who represent almost all of the human inhabitants of the planet Earth, I send greetings on behalf of the people of our planet.

Speaker 15 We step out of our solar system into the universe seeking only peace and friendship to teach if we are called upon, to be taught if we are fortunate.

Speaker 15 We know full well that our planet and all its inhabitants are but a small part of this immense universe that surrounds us, and it is with humility and hope that we take this step.

Speaker 15 philoi.

Speaker 3 A message from McAfee.

Speaker 16 I'd say howdy, but I'm not a real cowboy. And I'm not a real alien.
We're deep fakes, and because of fakes like us, it's hard to tell what's real. Unless you have McAfee.

Speaker 16 McAfee's scam detector automatically identifies text and email scams. And even deep fake.

Speaker 2 And it works everywhere, even out on the range. Yeah!

Speaker 16 But you're not even a real cowboy.

Speaker 3 If they're faking it, they're not making it past us. Get award-winning scam detection today.
McAfee.com slash keep it real.

Speaker 17 When did making plans get this complicated?

Speaker 17 It's time to streamline with WhatsApp, the secure messaging app that brings the whole group together.

Speaker 17 Use polls to settle dinner plans, send event invites and pin messages so no one forgets mom's 60th, and never miss a meme or milestone. All protected with end-to-end encryption.

Speaker 17 It's time for WhatsApp. Message privately with everyone.
Learn more at whatsapp.com.

Speaker 5 Almost girlfriend of Leif, and a character called even older Leif, who is basically

Speaker 5 Leif from the future, who has come back to help out his younger self.

Speaker 5 They have a lot to discuss and a lot of things to work out. And it was this bizarre conversation that kind of

Speaker 5 spanned this

Speaker 5 time divide in a really wonderful way. And these two characters were able to work some things out without actually being able to work them out.
It was a very strange experience.

Speaker 5 It was a very interesting thing to write. And we're very proud of the way it turned out.
So I hope you enjoy it. Here is our final piece, Vela.

Speaker 8 This is Bert Burt,

Speaker 11 broadcasting on the Under Signal.

Speaker 11 I am

Speaker 11 safe.

Speaker 11 It's hard to describe to you where I've been these past few cycles. At this point, I don't even know how long I've been gone.

Speaker 11 I promise a full explanation just as soon as...

Speaker 11 well, just as soon as I have one myself.

Speaker 11 I've returned to the world both encouraged and frightened by recent events.

Speaker 11 I now count nine systems in open revolt against the Ted Empire. And while I feel this is long overdue,

Speaker 11 I do worry for the people of the Triad, and I'm deeply concerned for how the Teds will respond to the first challenge to their authority in recent memory.

Speaker 11 More on that soon.

Speaker 11 I feel the more pressing issue is this.

Speaker 11 I am currently on a ship headed for the outer rim of Triangulum to what I believe is a secret experiment being conducted by the TEDs involving time crystals.

Speaker 11 For those of you who don't remember, a generation ago, the people of Vapus 10 were conducting very ill-advised experiments with time crystals.

Speaker 11 They were warned repeatedly by the scientific community that these experiments were dangerous, but the warnings fell on deaf ears, and the entire vapus system was obliterated by what was the first artificially created black hole.

Speaker 11 I don't yet know what the TED's intentions are with this very dangerous experiment, but whatever it is, it can't be a benevolent one, and I am headed right toward it.

Speaker 11 I'll have more to report soon, but for the time being, if you are traveling anywhere near Triangulum's outer rim, change your flight plan right now.

Speaker 11 This is Bert Burt broadcasting on the Under Signal.

Speaker 11 Oh.

Speaker 11 Hi.

Speaker 2 Can't sleep?

Speaker 11 I feel like I've had plenty.

Speaker 2 You?

Speaker 2 I abandoned my circadian rhythms a long time ago.

Speaker 8 Right.

Speaker 11 I remember.

Speaker 11 So the girl?

Speaker 2 X?

Speaker 11 She's back there pretending to sleep. She said she's working on it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's a hoot, isn't she?

Speaker 11 Where is she from?

Speaker 2 She's an android.

Speaker 11 I've never seen one that lifelike before.

Speaker 2 She's not lifelike.

Speaker 2 She's alive.

Speaker 11 I thought sentient androids were a myth.

Speaker 2 Me too.

Speaker 11 Where'd you pick her up?

Speaker 2 She came with Casper.

Speaker 2 They have an interesting history together.

Speaker 11 I remember this feeling. Never knowing where to start with the explanations.

Speaker 2 It's been a pretty inexplicable life, Bert.

Speaker 11 How much time do we have?

Speaker 2 About twelve more hours.

Speaker 11 So, if you're from the future, does that mean you know how all this plays out?

Speaker 2 Afraid it doesn't work like that.

Speaker 2 Would be a simpler life if it did.

Speaker 2 In my world, the Teds never built whatever this contraption is that we're headed towards.

Speaker 11 What's the point of time travel if you don't know what's gonna happen?

Speaker 2 It hasn't been half bad. I got to check a few things off the list that I never got around to.

Speaker 2 Remember, Menlore?

Speaker 11 Oh, Jesus, the robot cowboys?

Speaker 2 They were real.

Speaker 2 I told you.

Speaker 2 I believe you owe me some credits on that one.

Speaker 11 I'm I'm a little strapped for cash at the moment.

Speaker 2 Also,

Speaker 2 I got to this timeline and I saw Lave hadn't busted you out yet. I thought I'd help him out.
Bad a little cleanup.

Speaker 11 Your ability to get me into trouble was always perfectly balanced by your ability to get me out of it.

Speaker 2 Ah, you got me out of plenty of trouble.

Speaker 11 Not enough.

Speaker 7 Fucking pirate.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 You couldn't have stopped me.

Speaker 2 At that point, the way things were going in the triad,

Speaker 2 Yo-Ho, Yo-Ho, the pirate's life for me.

Speaker 11 I can't ever forgive you for working for Loaf Track, Slaif.

Speaker 2 I wasn't asking you to.

Speaker 2 If you did,

Speaker 2 you wouldn't be you.

Speaker 2 You call your folks?

Speaker 11 Not yet.

Speaker 2 They're going to be worried.

Speaker 11 Probably shouldn't tell them I'm okay until I know that I am.

Speaker 11 I don't know what we're headed for right now.

Speaker 11 I should probably wait until we all make it through this.

Speaker 2 Fair enough.

Speaker 2 Tell them I said hi.

Speaker 11 It was so infuriating how much they liked you.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 I can't help it. I'm likable.

Speaker 11 What was that horrible music you played for my dad?

Speaker 2 The Stooges.

Speaker 8 Oh, it was terrible.

Speaker 11 He played it so much after that.

Speaker 2 Come on.

Speaker 2 It's not that bad.

Speaker 2 It's the music of being pissed off and not knowing where to go with it all.

Speaker 11 That doesn't describe my dad at all.

Speaker 2 We've all got a little bit of that in us.

Speaker 2 Everybody's at least one percent punk rock.

Speaker 11 It's so weird talking to you.

Speaker 11 It's like I'm talking to you, but not really talking to you.

Speaker 2 I imagine it'll be satisfying and disappointing all at the same time.

Speaker 11 She got into my head,

Speaker 11 that android of yours.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 she does that.

Speaker 11 She said she transformed into my most significant ex.

Speaker 2 She does that too.

Speaker 2 It sucks.

Speaker 2 Let me guess. She turned into Yvonne.

Speaker 11 Oh, fuck you. No.

Speaker 2 Well, that's the only one I remember of the long string of the little Lord Fauntleroys that you entertained.

Speaker 11 She transformed into you, Laif.

Speaker 11 Really?

Speaker 8 Yes.

Speaker 11 The thing is, we were never in a relationship, not in my world, anyway.

Speaker 11 Were we in yours?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 11 Well, then, why did she do that?

Speaker 2 Sometimes

Speaker 2 a thing is a thing without you calling it something.

Speaker 2 I met your parents.

Speaker 2 That makes it a thing a little bit.

Speaker 11 I met your parents.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit, you did? Yeah.

Speaker 11 You didn't take me to meet your parents?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Did he? Yeah.

Speaker 11 For that holiday with the big bird.

Speaker 2 I took you home for Thanksgiving.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 8 What?

Speaker 2 That's a big move. It is?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Bringing a girl home for Thanksgiving?

Speaker 2 That's huge.

Speaker 11 He didn't tell me that.

Speaker 2 Oh, you thought it was some random holiday.

Speaker 2 Like Flag Day or something.

Speaker 11 Why do you have a day for flags?

Speaker 2 He snuck one in on you.

Speaker 2 Did something serious without telling you it was serious.

Speaker 2 He was so casual about it.

Speaker 11 Well, no big deal. We just eat a big bird and have something called a casserole.

Speaker 2 He probably got a kick out of you not knowing.

Speaker 8 You're both assholes.

Speaker 2 It's true. What?

Speaker 2 You taking me to meet your parents? That wasn't a big move?

Speaker 11 It wasn't exactly on purpose, if you recall. Right.
You were on the run for pirating an ice hauler.

Speaker 2 You know, technically, I wasn't a pirate back then. I was just a criminal.

Speaker 11 Thank you for making that distinction.

Speaker 2 A subtle difference, but an important difference. You really think.

Speaker 11 What am I doing?

Speaker 11 You weren't there. You're not him.
You're a stand-in. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Get your frustrations out.

Speaker 11 You're a punching bag in the shape of Lafe.

Speaker 2 Hey, Berts.

Speaker 2 You're not wrong.

Speaker 2 We could be sailing into certain doom.

Speaker 2 If you've got something to get off your chest, now's the time.

Speaker 11 I don't know.

Speaker 11 I don't even know what to say.

Speaker 11 With you suddenly here, I'm like the dog that caught the car, but also

Speaker 11 it's the wrong car.

Speaker 11 What was I like in your timeline?

Speaker 11 How was I different? I didn't cut bangs, did I? I was always tempted, but always felt like it was a mistake.

Speaker 6 What

Speaker 2 I never saved you, Berts.

Speaker 2 In my timeline, you're still a prisoner of the Teds.

Speaker 2 I tried,

Speaker 2 and I tried.

Speaker 2 It turns out what was missing from the equation was an indestructible android and a former employee of the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Speaker 11 I was on your bucket list?

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 2 You were the last item on the list.

Speaker 2 I'm not sure what to do with myself now.

Speaker 2 Zebulon used to call it the agony of everything completed.

Speaker 2 You want to know what was different about you?

Speaker 2 Nothing.

Speaker 2 I've been to a lot of different versions of this universe.

Speaker 2 You're always the best part in it.

Speaker 11 People shouldn't have to get to your age to be this honest, Leif.

Speaker 2 That's true.

Speaker 2 They're better late than never.

Speaker 11 I may be more scared of making it through all this than I am of dying.

Speaker 2 Why is that?

Speaker 11 Because then what?

Speaker 11 The triad's a mess. People may think I'm a traitor, and if they don't, I'm gonna be hunted by the Tuds for the rest of my life.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's probably true. Great.

Speaker 2 I have every confidence that you can find a way out of it.

Speaker 2 And if you can't, I'm sure there's some Leif from some timeline somewhere who'll be willing to get you out of it.

Speaker 11 I'm not going to lean too hard on that, if that's alright with you, Leif.

Speaker 2 Alright.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just remember when I told you about the Heart of the Milky Way.

Speaker 1 The what?

Speaker 2 The Heart of the Milky Way.

Speaker 11 You've never told me anything about the heart of the Milky Way. You're kidding me.
I am not.

Speaker 11 God damn!

Speaker 2 Your life is really falling down on the job, you know that?

Speaker 11 What is the heart of the Milky Way?

Speaker 2 Come here.

Speaker 2 At the center of the Milky Way is a supermassive black hole.

Speaker 2 But that's not its heart.

Speaker 2 This

Speaker 2 is its heart.

Speaker 8 What is that?

Speaker 2 A few million years ago,

Speaker 2 a star died.

Speaker 2 And when it died, it left behind a gift for us all:

Speaker 2 Vela,

Speaker 2 a pulsar.

Speaker 2 It sends out a magnetic pulse into the cosmos, more reliable than anything I've ever seen.

Speaker 2 It's so reliable that you can use it to navigate. So,

Speaker 2 whenever I get lost in the stars, I set my scanners to magnetic and I listen close.

Speaker 2 She's always there,

Speaker 2 leading me wherever I want to go.

Speaker 2 Vela's no different from you or me,

Speaker 2 just a beating heart sending out a signal to anyone who will hear it.

Speaker 2 You're never lost as long as she's there.

Speaker 2 The Milky Way has a heart, Berts.

Speaker 2 It beats for you.

Speaker 5 Midnight Burger is made possible in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters: Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, Second Bethany, Sparker, Milo Loves Mycelium, The Art Sherpa, Lucrezia, The Waiting Pool Pirates, Mel Momberg, Kurt Bartnik, Nicole Colangello, Stevie Morley, Rogue, Kenny, Steve and Robin Poole, Pathos, Andrea Strick, Sir Cat Dad, Chancho Villa, Justine Burbank, Peachy Satowichi, Disco Funkslinger, Edgy Steve, Alice Malice, Todd Van Voris, Thomas Stolen, Michael Christian, Tavrock Stormbringer, Magnificent Hog Beast, Broccoini, Theo Alexdeen, Jen C., Leia B., Blargo, Blargo, Blargo, Onyx Rose, Turlington Beastcoat, Whitney Bliss, Tamara Oliver, Marissa, Terry, Aaron Mitchell, Raven the Neko Queen, Melvis Gray Mystery, Om Vega, Codex Typo, Ang Velasquez, Ruth McCormick, Stuck in Durplahoma, It's Just Blake, Dancing Dog Dreams, JR the Hiker Bear, Menlor, Tracy, Calibri, Nate, Hippo, Maloran, Marunmai Salil, Kara, Late Indeed Again, Ian Hertzler, Mother of Thor, Special K, Ryan Abbey, Sarah Bergenholtz, Zacky Nat, Nea, Anna, Ben and Jessica, Levi, Dalek Steve, Darcy D, and existentially, Exhausted Bean.

Speaker 5 I hope you enjoyed this special episode we created for the Apollo Creator Showcase 2022. We had a blast creating it.
As mentioned earlier, this is only one episode of the showcase created by us.

Speaker 5 There are a ton of episodes created by some of the best creators in the industry to check out on the showcase.

Speaker 5 To listen to the rest of the Apollo Creator Showcase and to find your next favorite creator, go to www.apollopods.com/slash Joe.

Speaker 5 Check out the Creator Showcase and support the creators and Apollo that have made this possible. Thank you for your support, and I'll see you on Apollo.

Speaker 1 The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

Speaker 18 You're juggling a lot. Full-time job, side hustle, maybe a family.
And now you're thinking about grad school? That's not crazy. That's ambitious.

Speaker 18 At American Public University, we respect the hustle, and we're built for it. Our flexible online master's programs are made for real life because big dreams deserve a real path.

Speaker 18 Learn more about APU's 40-plus career-relevant master's degrees and certificates at apu.apus.edu. APU, built for the hustle.