Chapter 19: Battle Without Honor or Humanity

Speaker 1 and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other. When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-litre jug.

Speaker 1 When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Speaker 3 Oh, come on.

Speaker 1 They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip. Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.
Whatever.

Speaker 1 You were made to outdo your holidays. We were made to help organize the competition.
Expedia, made to travel.

Speaker 4 CRM was supposed to improve customer relationships. Instead, it's shorthand for customer rage machine.
Your CRM can't explain why a customer's package took five detours?

Speaker 4 Reboot your inner piece and scream into a pillow. It's okay.
On the ServiceNow AI platform, CRM stands for something better.

Speaker 4 AI agents don't just track issues, they resolve them, transforming the entire customer experience. So breathe in and breathe out.

Speaker 5 Bad CRM was then.

Speaker 4 This is ServiceNow.

Speaker 5 Previously on Midnight Burger, it is to the left of me.

Speaker 6 Attention, Midnight Burger. This is the Ted Empire.

Speaker 8 Loaf tracks to the right.

Speaker 9 Is this the party line?

Speaker 3 What are you guys wearing?

Speaker 10 It's loaf tracks.

Speaker 11 Oh, shit.

Speaker 5 Here I am, stuck in the middle with who again?

Speaker 12 Nancy?

Speaker 12 You guys open? Even older leaf.

Speaker 13 Surprise!

Speaker 13 Casper.

Speaker 14 So,

Speaker 2 what did I miss?

Speaker 8 Let's get ready to be stuck in the middle of a rumble.

Speaker 5 And that's how we wound up here.

Speaker 8 Robot cowboy?

Speaker 3 Anthony Elliot.

Speaker 17 So, who are these guys? Who's the ficus?

Speaker 18 What? We're not allowed to make friends?

Speaker 19 Wait, who are you breaking out of the Ted home with?

Speaker 21 Where is I can recall several arguments about having seatbelts?

Speaker 22 Oh, hello, everyone. Berts.

Speaker 23 Hey, Laif.

Speaker 21 Still a fucking asshole?

Speaker 24 Uh, can't confirm.

Speaker 25 Listen up, folks.

Speaker 12 The gang's all here.

Speaker 26 We could get caught up later.

Speaker 27 Laif, is that your dad? No.

Speaker 5 Why the hell did the diner drop you in the middle of a firefight?

Speaker 18 We don't know.

Speaker 25 Another long story.

Speaker 28 We're in between two ships trying to destroy each other.

Speaker 30 Should we be doing this in the parking lot?

Speaker 18 You are not coming inside. Gloria, come on.

Speaker 14 I am nice now.

Speaker 9 That's what Satan was saying.

Speaker 6 Welcome to the party, Nancy Sinatra. All the fish are just jumping into my boat now, aren't they?

Speaker 5 How is he talking through the radio?

Speaker 25 We don't know, but it ain't right. Dad, is that you?

Speaker 7 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 26 Dad,

Speaker 32 you're okay.

Speaker 16 I cannot fucking believe this.

Speaker 5 I know. What a world.

Speaker 25 How is the escape pod?

Speaker 16 Oh, super comfortable.

Speaker 6 Thanks. You know what else?

Speaker 16 Will be super comfortable?

Speaker 6 The block of chemical ice I'm going to freeze you in.

Speaker 5 Ted, I feel like you haven't mellowed. I feel like you've learned nothing since we last spoke.
Where's the growth, Ted?

Speaker 6 Let's have a nice, long conversation about it while I target your parking lot with a void torpedo.

Speaker 16 Sir, you are not welcome in this radio.

Speaker 16 Well, I'll be.

Speaker 5 I think that did it. Okay, everyone inside.
Here we go.

Speaker 34 Are we going to be any safer inside?

Speaker 5 That thing's going to freak me out the whole time isn't it?

Speaker 18 Their name is Shell.

Speaker 36 They are a tree.

Speaker 37 Okay, whatever.

Speaker 5 I know that's a TED ship. What is it fighting with?

Speaker 19 Loaf tracks.

Speaker 38 The space pirate, seriously?

Speaker 28 Looks like the pirates are saving our asses at the moment.

Speaker 30 I wouldn't complain too much.

Speaker 39 Can she not talk?

Speaker 5 It's freaking me out. Hey, what does the friggin space pirate want with us?

Speaker 36 They want our doomsday device.

Speaker 21 Doomsday device?

Speaker 5 There's a doomsday device now?

Speaker 36 We may have picked up a doomsday device along the way.

Speaker 5 Where in the- Oh, wait, don't tell me. From the secret hardened criminals, is this the purple thing?

Speaker 18 That's the purple nullifier.

Speaker 36 There's also a doomsday device.

Speaker 40 How'd you know about the purple nullifier?

Speaker 8 There's two doomsday devices?

Speaker 19 The purple nullifier isn't a doomsday device, it's just a bomb.

Speaker 5 I swear to God, the words just a bomb came out of your mouth.

Speaker 12 How does that feel?

Speaker 41 Is this the Ted Slayer?

Speaker 15 Yeah. Nice.

Speaker 41 You actually built it, huh?

Speaker 42 No, Shop Talk.

Speaker 38 What is the Ted Slayer? Seriously, you called it the Ted Slayer.

Speaker 12 Well, that's what it does.

Speaker 5 What are you talking about?

Speaker 19 It's a computer virus. It unravels the Ted Empire from the inside out.

Speaker 36 But we talked about it a lot, and we decided that we shouldn't use it.

Speaker 14 You shouldn't use it? No.

Speaker 5 Okay, I need you to focus on this next question very carefully.

Speaker 10 What? It's awful nice to have everyone back together again, isn't it, dear?

Speaker 43 It's real nice, husband. The negatives outweigh the positives.

Speaker 5 How heavy are these negatives exactly?

Speaker 18 Mass starvation.

Speaker 29 Plague.

Speaker 5 Okay, that sounds bad, but there's a very big ship floating outside, Gloria. I can see the ship.
It's the size of Sri Lanka, Gloria.

Speaker 15 Casper.

Speaker 5 And let me tell you about this thing. You may have heard of it.
It's called Chemical Ice.

Speaker 40 I've heard of it. Leave, you're a criminal.

Speaker 5 Have you ever been frozen in chemical ice? Twice. Twice.

Speaker 4 Six times.

Speaker 5 Six times over there. Would we recommend being frozen in chemical ice?

Speaker 12 No.

Speaker 8 It's not great.

Speaker 5 So we're all on the brink of being frozen in chemical ice, and we have the thing that can stop that, but we're not using it yet. I would like to fill out a comment card, please.

Speaker 44 It wouldn't just fuck the Teds.

Speaker 45 Casper, it would fuck everybody.

Speaker 36 If the warp gates shut down, everybody suffers. We talked about it, we argued about it.
This is what we decided.

Speaker 39 Okay.

Speaker 37 Okay. Okay.

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 5 If that's the way it is, then okay. We'll figure something else out.

Speaker 15 Seriously? Hey, Laif.

Speaker 15 Look at all the cannons I'm firing right now.

Speaker 15 I think it's all. Is it? Is it all the cannons? It is.
It's... It is.
It's all the cannons. Yeah, it's all of them.
Isn't that crazy?

Speaker 15 Laif?

Speaker 7 Laif, are you there?

Speaker 47 Come on, don't be like that. It's your old pal, Loaf Trax.
We have invited exactly zero people into this radio with us. All of a sudden, it's like the town hall.

Speaker 46 Laif, please talk to the space pirates.

Speaker 19 Loa Trax, I'm not giving you the Ted Slayer.

Speaker 9 Are you sure?

Speaker 5 Kind of feels like you're gonna give it to me.

Speaker 11 I'm not.

Speaker 15 But you are, though.

Speaker 19 Nobody is getting it, Loaf Trax.

Speaker 39 Let me do the math.

Speaker 39 I want the boom boom device.

Speaker 9 I'm the only thing standing between you and the Teds, turning you into a popsicle. Sounds like I get whatever I want right now.

Speaker 19 I'm not going to watch you plunge three galaxies into chaos, Loaf Trax.

Speaker 9 Okay, but counterpoint,

Speaker 9 I'm gonna kill all your friends.

Speaker 19 Minsky already tried that. It didn't work.

Speaker 48 Apparently I killed him. How did I kill him?

Speaker 48 Meat grind meat grinder. Wow.

Speaker 48 I guess I threw him in the meat grinder.

Speaker 48 Did I kill him first?

Speaker 48 And throw him in there?

Speaker 48 No, no.

Speaker 48 Just shoved him in there alive, huh? Damn. Oh, God.
Dark, guys. Dark.

Speaker 19 Okay, never mind that. Love Trax, listen.

Speaker 19 I'm not giving you the Ted Slayer.

Speaker 19 But if you can get us out of this jam, I will come back and work for you.

Speaker 15 Oh, yeah, you most certainly will not.

Speaker 49 Leif, what the fuck?

Speaker 34 Leif, I don't know what a pirate is, but I'm pretty sure I don't want you to be one.

Speaker 5 I do not approve this plan. Zebulon does not approve of this plan, Leif.

Speaker 21 Leif, absolutely not.

Speaker 19 Am I the only one who knows how fucked we are right now?

Speaker 19 Two ships out there, both of them filled with the worst of the triad. One ship wants to kill us.
The other one will if we don't meet its demands.

Speaker 41 This is the most fucked we've ever been.

Speaker 41 All while adorned with a colorful bird of some kind.

Speaker 7 They appear to have eliminated those delightful aspects.

Speaker 18 But kept all the killing. Even older Leif, can you talk some sense into him, please?

Speaker 51 But I'm not getting through to him.

Speaker 12 See,

Speaker 5 the young man has himself a little theory, don't you, Buster? What is he talking about?

Speaker 19 I think I'm the reason the Teds know about the diner.

Speaker 36 What do you mean?

Speaker 19 Way back when. Right before I came here, I had just quit working for Loaf Trax.

Speaker 19 I think the Teds were following me, hoping that I would lead them back to Loaf Tracks. All the pirates in the system were looking for me.
I was on the run.

Speaker 35 And then suddenly there was a diner.

Speaker 25 Yes.

Speaker 19 I think the Teds were watching me the first time I ever walked in here.

Speaker 19 Which means they saw the diner disappear, and I'm sure it all started from there.

Speaker 51 Guys, all of this could be my fault.

Speaker 10 All of it.

Speaker 19 It makes me

Speaker 19 sick to think I've gotten you all into this mess.

Speaker 19 I wanted to be someone else. So when I got here,

Speaker 19 I just started acting like the guy I wanted to be.

Speaker 19 But I guess that's just not how things work.

Speaker 19 And

Speaker 19 I'm back.

Speaker 19 Hey, just caught the tail end of that. Wanted to jump in here real quick, guys.
Lafe is totally right.

Speaker 6 We know about the diner because of him. He's the only reason it's even a thing for us.

Speaker 6 It's a pretty big ouch, Lafe.

Speaker 13 Does it burn? Look,

Speaker 19 it's fine. I've worked for Loaf Trax before.
I can do it again.

Speaker 19 At least with the pirates, I won't have to act like someone I'm not.

Speaker 19 I guess that's all I was doing around here anyway. Laife, we are not letting you go.

Speaker 12 Doesn't matter, Effie.

Speaker 41 Loaf Trax isn't going to go for it anyway.

Speaker 9 Yeah, Laif, I decided no.

Speaker 31 Fuck.

Speaker 9 Look, honey bear, I missed the crap out of you. We had a lot of fun.
Remember that time you flooded an entire city?

Speaker 35 Jesus, Leith.

Speaker 5 God damn it.

Speaker 6 Oh, I remember that. Wiped out several neighborhoods just to rob a bank.

Speaker 7 What a guy.

Speaker 33 Good times all around.

Speaker 31 But the thing is, I'm really excited about all this chaos I'm going to create when you give me the boom boom box.

Speaker 35 It's really going to elevate my piracy game. What is this box again? Hey!

Speaker 35 I'm talking here!

Speaker 35 You know what? You know what? You know what I'm gonna do? Remember that beamy downy thing you told me not to buy because it was too dangerous?

Speaker 9 Well, oops, I bought it.

Speaker 51 I'm gonna beam down there.

Speaker 19 No, don't do that.

Speaker 51 Really excited to meet your new friends.

Speaker 12 Love tracks. Oh, man.

Speaker 12 This is perfect.

Speaker 6 Literally, every criminal I want to capture is about to be in the same place.

Speaker 7 Did I win a sweepstake?

Speaker 6 I mean, do you guys have a comically large check for me?

Speaker 14 All right.

Speaker 36 Everybody over to Ava's booth.

Speaker 18 I'm sick of shithead listening to us. Sir, I do not appreciate you speaking out of our radio.
We consider it a violation. Oh, no.

Speaker 18 A violation?

Speaker 16 How many demerits? Those who impede a holy path never farewell, Theodore.

Speaker 6 Oh, yeah. What have you got for me? Locusts?

Speaker 16 Frogs?

Speaker 6 None of those work in space, you hayseeds.

Speaker 54 Oh, we're gonna come up with something.

Speaker 6 Just you wake up.

Speaker 6 Sorry, you're not going to be able to loaves and fishes your way out of this problem.

Speaker 21 This is Bert Burt broadcasting on the Under Signal. I am currently on board Midnight Burger on the outer rim of Triangulum.

Speaker 21 We appear to be caught in a naval battle between a Ted battlecruiser and the dreaded Alex P. Keaton, the flagship of the pirate Loaf Trax.

Speaker 21 Despite our precarious situation, the true danger lies beyond us.

Speaker 21 For as long as this reporter can remember, the TED Empire has denied conducting experiments with time crystals, the same objects responsible for the implosion and destruction of Vapus 10 in Andromeda.

Speaker 21 Vapian refugees still, to this day, recall with horror the destruction of their planet from the volatile time crystals, and science councils across the triad have banned their use.

Speaker 21 Despite all that, here I stand looking upon a gargantuan construction that is allegedly fueled by these dangerous objects.

Speaker 5 So, what do pirates like to eat?

Speaker 30 Wait, this is good, actually.

Speaker 28 When the space pirate gets here, I can threaten them.

Speaker 18 You know, physically. You can?

Speaker 42 Yeah, quick update, guys.

Speaker 5 X is actually incredibly powerful to the point that it's fucking terrifying, but none of that matters. It doesn't? No.
What are you gonna do? Kill Loaf Trax?

Speaker 55 No, but they don't know that.

Speaker 5 They're just going to call your bluff. If you kill Loaftrax, then the pirate ship and the Ted ship will want to kill us.

Speaker 30 Being powerful should be more fun.

Speaker 35 I think we need to start getting in a headspace where we can give the doomsday device to the space pirate, guys.

Speaker 24 I think you're right, Ava.

Speaker 35 Don't talk to me, Uncanny Valley.

Speaker 43 Peace.

Speaker 18 Okay, look, regardless of what's going on outside, we're about to have a customer. Can someone please tell me anything about Loaf Tracks?

Speaker 21 They're a mass murderer.

Speaker 22 Great.

Speaker 21 The best Earth equivalent would be a cross between Tony Montana, Mama Rose, and Genghis Khan.

Speaker 38 Even better.

Speaker 21 Every ounce of crime in the triad goes through Loaf Trax. They're the only thing more terrifying than the Teds.

Speaker 19 And don't be distracted by the laughter.

Speaker 37 The laughter?

Speaker 19 They're obsessed with American sitcoms. They had me make them a device that plays automatic audience reactions.

Speaker 44 What's up, everybody?

Speaker 57 This looks like a fun group. What are you guys talking about? Is it me?

Speaker 44 I bet it's me. Is it me?

Speaker 58 Loa Trax.

Speaker 19 There he is.

Speaker 57 Lafe, you big asshole.

Speaker 59 Come over here.

Speaker 60 I'm gonna smack you on your fanny.

Speaker 19 We've gotta talk about this.

Speaker 60 Well, hang on there, Schnookums.

Speaker 48 Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?

Speaker 8 Let's go around the room here. Who's the begonia?

Speaker 60 Hi. Oh, shit.

Speaker 25 It talks.

Speaker 57 Boy, plants really do liven up the place, don't they?

Speaker 12 Who's next?

Speaker 36 Can we skip to the part where you threaten us, please?

Speaker 20 Oh, hey.

Speaker 62 I know you.

Speaker 60 You're the one who's been turning the system into a spicy fiesta.

Speaker 37 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 17 Hey, since you're in charge around here, how about you make Laif give me my boom boom box back?

Speaker 7 Wait, is it a jewelry box? I mean, what is in the box?

Speaker 8 Shut up, you. Go in a battle.

Speaker 5 He can't give it to you.

Speaker 14 Who are you?

Speaker 42 Casper.

Speaker 59 What do you do around here?

Speaker 5 Never been sure exactly.

Speaker 45 Seems to me it's pretty clear, Jasper.

Speaker 59 Loaf Trax wants box.

Speaker 63 Laif gives Loaf Trax box.

Speaker 5 I understand that, but unfortunately, you've created a situation where it's in our best interest to not give you the box.

Speaker 48 Of what now?

Speaker 5 Well, if we give you the box, then you leave, right?

Speaker 12 True.

Speaker 5 And if you leave, there's no one to stop the Teds from coming to get us.

Speaker 60 I'm listening.

Speaker 5 So we can't give you the box because you're the only person keeping us alive, and you can't threaten it out of us because you've tried that already. Is that correct? Yes.
You've tried that already.

Speaker 15 Huh.

Speaker 57 Are you sure I can't threaten it out of you?

Speaker 48 Yes.

Speaker 64 What if my threats are really, really terrifying?

Speaker 64 Captain Loaf Trax,

Speaker 16 we have already weathered the storm of threats upon our lives over this box you speak of. Our position is unwavering.

Speaker 7 The suspense is killing me, guys. What's in the box? Will

Speaker 7 you

Speaker 7 get gone?

Speaker 55 I believe I banished him again.

Speaker 18 Love Trax, you could threaten us all you want.

Speaker 36 We're not going to let other people suffer just to save our asses.

Speaker 20 Huh.

Speaker 48 Well, now I'm bored.

Speaker 8 Kind of regretting killing my lawyer right now.

Speaker 38 No, that was the right call.

Speaker 53 All right.

Speaker 8 Loaf Trax needs to have a think.

Speaker 61 Who's the old guy?

Speaker 41 It's me, Loaf Trax.

Speaker 51 Me, who?

Speaker 62 Wait, no. Yep.

Speaker 15 Lafe.

Speaker 19 Yep. But

Speaker 57 you're over there, too. I am.

Speaker 48 Did you go back in time?

Speaker 41 I'm afraid I did.

Speaker 65 Lafe, you adorable little dumbass.

Speaker 44 You always told me i did i always did what did i always say about time travel what's wrong with right now what's wrong with right now exactly right now is great i mean not for any of you you're probably all screwed but for me it's great

Speaker 45 what's the point of going back in time and trying to patch things up with your girlfriend that's not

Speaker 51 She wasn't my girlfriend.

Speaker 21 Wait, what?

Speaker 63 Uh-oh, awkward.

Speaker 21 What are they talking about?

Speaker 48 You know how when people get drunk, there's that one thing they can't shut up about?

Speaker 57 Please stop.

Speaker 61 It was his master plan to build a time machine so he could go back and patch things up with a certain someone.

Speaker 47 You're kidding me.

Speaker 48 Loaf Trax is famously, historically, not a gossip.

Speaker 48 But I can tell you that her name started with a BERT and ended with a BERT.

Speaker 1 Amazing. I was drunk.

Speaker 9 That actually sounds a little sweet, doesn't it, dear?

Speaker 16 Could he not have patched things up in the present?

Speaker 21 No, he couldn't have, because that would mean taking responsibility for his actions, and I think we all know how he is with that, don't we?

Speaker 67 Berts, come on.

Speaker 21 I'm not talking to you.

Speaker 23 I am talking to the radio people.

Speaker 6 I appear to have stepped in an anthill on this one.

Speaker 54 Multiple stings on your toe.

Speaker 13 Wow.

Speaker 44 Look at this old bastard, Laf.

Speaker 8 You do not age well.

Speaker 12 Thanks.

Speaker 41 There may be some chips on the paint, but the engine's running just fine.

Speaker 61 Yeah, you keep telling yourself that. Mind if I sit?

Speaker 17 Please. So

Speaker 47 you came back in time and just decided to stay, huh?

Speaker 38 Relive your glory days.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 41 I thought I'd check in, see how things were going in this timeline.

Speaker 51 You know, I finally went to Menlore.

Speaker 12 You did?

Speaker 51 Yep.

Speaker 14 The robot cowboys.

Speaker 17 Yep.

Speaker 47 How'd it go?

Speaker 41 Not the way you would have expected.

Speaker 12 Damn.

Speaker 44 That would have been a thing.

Speaker 45 Space pirate cowboys.

Speaker 44 You know how I love a good cultural mashup.

Speaker 41 I know you do.

Speaker 8 Well, antique Leaf.

Speaker 23 Loaf Trax is in a bit of a pickle.

Speaker 14 Seems that way.

Speaker 59 He's not gonna give me the box, is he? Nope. And he's got to say the magic words to make the box open, right?

Speaker 12 It's true.

Speaker 59 What kind of world are we living in?

Speaker 48 Where threats of violence don't do the trick anymore.

Speaker 60 It's a tragedy.

Speaker 5 While Loftrax is distracted, we need a plan B.

Speaker 18 There was no plan A.

Speaker 19 There's two battleships fighting outside our doors. Something's going to give any second second now.

Speaker 5 Berbert, is anyone in the area you can contact? Anyone who can help us out?

Speaker 21 We're on the outer rim of Triangle and there's nothing here.

Speaker 62 Gloria?

Speaker 30 Are we making secret plans?

Speaker 38 Still too soon with you, okay?

Speaker 29 I was an android obeying my programming.

Speaker 39 Stand over there.

Speaker 43 Gloria, what is it, Shell?

Speaker 34 If the pirate wants something that we don't want to give them, is there maybe something else it wants?

Speaker 19 I tried offering myself.

Speaker 21 Not an even trade.

Speaker 37 Oh, come on.

Speaker 5 Can we resolve personal beefs after we escape the evil empire, please? Fern here has a point. Shall maybe there's a third thing.

Speaker 34 What about the third thing outside? What? There are the two big things outside shooting at each other, and then the third thing.

Speaker 5 The wind chimes.

Speaker 18 Anyone know what it is?

Speaker 54 I myself am feeling a certain way about that ghostly construct in the distance. Nothing about it feels right.

Speaker 5 When I was captured by Ted, he told me that that thing out there is what's keeping the diner trapped in the present. Do you think there's any way we can,

Speaker 5 I don't know, knock it offline or something? Maybe if we can destroy it, we'll just zip out of here, leave them to kill each other. But Bertbird, do you know anything about it?

Speaker 21 It's a massive secret. Something to do with time crystals?

Speaker 18 What kind of masters of the universe?

Speaker 22 Bullshit.

Speaker 19 It's a theoretical thing. I don't do theoretical things.

Speaker 35 Waiting patiently over here at my booth.

Speaker 55 What the hell is it?

Speaker 35 It's not a crystal, first of all.

Speaker 36 A crystal is right there in the title.

Speaker 35 A crystal, like the kind idiots wear around their neck. That's an organized arrangement of atoms.
The time crystal is an organized arrangement of time.

Speaker 36 Okay, the universe is just making shit up now?

Speaker 35 Imagine a rocking chair. You push it, and it rocks back and forth, and then stops.

Speaker 35 If that rocking chair were a time crystal, its natural state would be rocking back and forth.

Speaker 55 How?

Speaker 35 Do you really want me to- Never mind.

Speaker 36 Any chance we can get Love Tracks interested in that instead of the doomsday device?

Speaker 18 Is it dangerous?

Speaker 25 Can it kill people?

Speaker 18 That might be a good sell.

Speaker 21 It's incredibly dangerous. It could be catastrophic.

Speaker 13 That's great.

Speaker 5 Yeah, that might work, actually.

Speaker 21 Did you hear what I just said?

Speaker 19 Loftrax isn't going to go for it. They've been obsessed with the Ted Slayer ever since I left.

Speaker 5 Of course, they are, plunging three galaxies into total chaos. That's like space pirate coachelle.

Speaker 18 We need to get Loftrax off of the Doomsday device and onto the Time Crystal thing. We need to convince them to destroy it.

Speaker 43 Well, how do we do that? The Ted Slayer is great for space pirates.

Speaker 18 What we need is someone who is really good at taking a good thing and turning it into something bad.

Speaker 5 Everyone appears to be looking at me.

Speaker 30 Oh, yeah, buddy.

Speaker 16 You do have a tendency to turn a wedding into a wake, Casper.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 5 Okay, everyone. Harsh but fair.

Speaker 37 Here I go.

Speaker 59 Pardon me, Loaf Trax? Jasper.

Speaker 49 So,

Speaker 5 this doomsday device.

Speaker 22 Uh-oh.

Speaker 60 Has there there been a change of heart?

Speaker 5 No, but you're going to have one.

Speaker 18 Oh, yeah?

Speaker 61 This sounds like a waste of time.

Speaker 48 I'm into it.

Speaker 5 Just to make sure we're on the same page, if someone uses this device, then the entire Ted Empire unravels.

Speaker 61 Sounds great, right?

Speaker 5 It really does. But then also, when the Teds unravel, so does the Triad, right?

Speaker 10 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 5 Three galaxies full of chaos.

Speaker 63 Just talking about it gets me excited.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 11 I don't think you want that.

Speaker 25 I don't.

Speaker 37 no

Speaker 14 see

Speaker 5 there was this guy on earth his name was al capone

Speaker 5 okay he was a murderous psychopath who was riddled with syphilis oh so wipe right he became incredibly powerful when america decided that it would be a great idea to ban alcohol did that stop people from drinking no all it did was create a lot of work for people who were good at skirting the law with alcohol being illegal al capone was able to create a criminal empire larger than anything anyone had ever seen.

Speaker 38 You watch a lot of history shows, right?

Speaker 62 It's true.

Speaker 23 See,

Speaker 5 Al Capone was only able to become Al Capone because he had laws to break. If you use this doomsday device, then you win.
No more Teds. You'd be the ruler of the triad.

Speaker 68 I love this story!

Speaker 5 What are you going to do with all the starving people?

Speaker 59 What do you mean? What am I going to do?

Speaker 5 The Teds are pretty smart, Love Tracks.

Speaker 5 They suck, they're the worst, everybody hates them, but they've insinuated themselves into people's lives so deeply that people can no longer function without them.

Speaker 5 So now, the way anyone feels about them is totally pointless. People are forced to just sit there and take it because they have no other choice.

Speaker 59 And this is an argument against destroying them.

Speaker 5 It is, because I say again, what are you going to do with all the starving people? The fuck do I care? Let them starve, right? Sure.

Speaker 40 And there you are.

Speaker 5 You're the ruler of an empire where everyone is dying.

Speaker 59 Does that sound fun to you?

Speaker 5 No. This is what I'm talking about.

Speaker 25 Okay, fine.

Speaker 63 Uh, I

Speaker 57 turn on the warp gate for the planets that have the food, and I let them sell it to me for a jacked-up price.

Speaker 59 Now, if you want to eat, you go through me.

Speaker 8 Great.

Speaker 5 Let's look at one of those planets as an example.

Speaker 60 This is boring. Stick with me.

Speaker 5 What's that planet with all the fields? Mennite? Mennite. A planet full of rolling fields of grain.
Planet gluten, we used to call it.

Speaker 5 You turn on their warp gate so that they can get you all the grain you want, then you turn around and sell it for, I'm thinking, thinking, a 500% price increase.

Speaker 5 In an effort to provide you with all the food that you demand, now everybody on Mennite is a farmer. And when everybody is a farmer, nobody does anything else.

Speaker 5 When people get sick, there's no doctors. When children are born, they're born idiots because there are no more schools because everyone is out of the fields all day.

Speaker 5 You have now created a planet full of sick idiots in charge of feeding millions. When their machines break down, nobody can fix them.
When plagues hit, there's no one to heal them.

Speaker 66 Fine.

Speaker 48 I'll put some schools there or whatever and I'll send them some doctors.

Speaker 8 Great, fantastic.

Speaker 23 Are you hiring the teachers?

Speaker 28 No.

Speaker 5 Right. Best to delegate.
Oof, that's a big planet, though.

Speaker 5 You're going to need a lot of teachers, and those teachers are going to need some organizational support so that you're going to have to create some sort of department of education.

Speaker 5 You're cool with that, right? Whatever.

Speaker 19 A lot of people to take care of, too.

Speaker 5 I mean, we're not talking about a handful of doctors. We're talking about thousands.
Okay.

Speaker 5 I'm assuming you're not going to hire them either, which means that you'll have to delegate the responsibility of hiring the farmers, the doctors, and the teachers. But But you know what?

Speaker 5 Who hires the person that hires the doctors and the teachers? Is that you?

Speaker 8 Still don't.

Speaker 5 Okay, then there's going to need to be someone above the teachers and the doctors and the people who hire the teachers and the doctors.

Speaker 19 Who the hell is that guy?

Speaker 5 I'm thinking a prime minister. Someone to be in charge of the whole planet.
Someone who answers directly to you.

Speaker 2 Fine.

Speaker 44 There, it's handled.

Speaker 5 One problem. One.

Speaker 64 Huh?

Speaker 5 You see, what you don't know is that on Mennite, there's this small faction of isolationists. They hated the Teds when they were in charge, and now they hate you too.

Speaker 5 They work against you in the background, trying to convince people that you, a murderous space pirate, have no business taking the fruits of their hard work and leaving them with nothing.

Speaker 5 They hold late-night meetings, and then protests, and then walkouts, and then they are burning straw effigies of you in the town square. What do they call themselves, Ladies?

Speaker 5 The Brotherhood of the Scythe. Brotherhood of the Scythe.
I think we can both agree that a name like that is a marketing slam dunk, can't we?

Speaker 66 Then I have them killed.

Speaker 62 How?

Speaker 5 You can't find them. You don't know anyone on this planet.
They all look the same to you. You really want to spend your time rooting out rebellion in the wheat fields? No.

Speaker 5 Then what do you do, Loafrax?

Speaker 48 Form a police force.

Speaker 5 That's right. Loaf Trax the pirate, career criminal, is hiring cops.

Speaker 15 But I don't want to hire cops.

Speaker 5 Nobody does. But you don't have a choice because there are people out there starving and nobody wants to rule over a starving empire.

Speaker 14 Fine, I'll hire some cops.

Speaker 5 Unfortunately, they've just formed a union.

Speaker 67 Already?

Speaker 5 Oh, yes, because they're risking their lives every day and they feel that they deserve more pay than you're giving them. Uh-oh, the teachers just found out about the police union.

Speaker 5 Now they're unionizing too. They insist that their job is as important as the police.

Speaker 14 It's not, though.

Speaker 5 Try telling them that, Loafetrex, the children of the future.

Speaker 11 No, they're not.

Speaker 5 Now the teachers aren't teaching. The police aren't policing.
Now the farmers have heard about the teachers and the police and now they've decided to get in on the action.

Speaker 5 And you know what they say about farmers, Loaf Trax. They're all fucking communists.
Nobody's teaching. Nobody's policing.
Nobody's farming.

Speaker 5 And who in this time of chaos emerges from the wheat field Loaf Tracks.

Speaker 14 Brotherhood of the Scythe. The Brotherhood

Speaker 10 of the Scythe.

Speaker 5 They've announced that they're forming a legitimate political party.

Speaker 29 How the hell did we get political parties?

Speaker 26 How the hell do we ever get political parties, Loaf Tracks?

Speaker 5 They're asking for free and fair elections.

Speaker 15 Oh, gross.

Speaker 5 They're asking for a neutral third party to observe the free and fair elections.

Speaker 25 No, dude.

Speaker 12 They are asking

Speaker 5 for paid vacation.

Speaker 13 Oh, God. God.

Speaker 12 That's right.

Speaker 5 A planet that you thought was going to be a cash cow has now become a cow that you can't eat and can't milk. You know what you call a cow that you can't eat and can't milk?

Speaker 62 Nothing.

Speaker 5 Nothing at all, Loaf Drags.

Speaker 5 Just a big thing sitting there mooing, annoying the shit out of you.

Speaker 5 You get all this from one planet, and you've just inherited millions of them. Millions of planets have gone from fearing you to hating you.

Speaker 5 You used to be the most feared person in three galaxies, and now

Speaker 17 you're just the boss

Speaker 5 telling everyone you can't afford Christmas bonuses this year.

Speaker 5 And you got all this

Speaker 23 because you won.

Speaker 21 Amazing.

Speaker 18 It's like he's an artist, and his canvas is misery.

Speaker 60 Winning sucks.

Speaker 5 It really does.

Speaker 59 This restaurant is terrible.

Speaker 5 Zero stars for sure. Well,

Speaker 61 now what am I supposed to do?

Speaker 5 Hear me out.

Speaker 37 See that big thing way out there?

Speaker 66 It looks like wind chimes.

Speaker 67 Yes.

Speaker 10 The Teds love that thing, Loaf Trex.

Speaker 5 It's their baby. It's a top-secret project that they've been working on for years.

Speaker 15 Let's blow it up.

Speaker 60 I like blowing things up.

Speaker 42 Who doesn't?

Speaker 5 I say you aim one of your big guns at that thing and really give the Teds a bad day.

Speaker 19 80-ton railgun would do the trick.

Speaker 5 80-ton railgun? Well, that sounds sounds like a humdinger.

Speaker 49 Ooh, I never get to use the railgun.

Speaker 8 I'm getting excited just talking about it. So, if I blow that thing up, the Teds will hate it.
Oh, yes.

Speaker 63 Like, a lot hate it?

Speaker 15 Absolutely.

Speaker 8 Look at you.

Speaker 48 Me? Let me tell you my favorite joke.

Speaker 15 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 57 Three beekeepers walk into a bar.

Speaker 60 The first beekeeper says, I have 100,000 bees and 10 hives.

Speaker 25 The second beekeeper says, that's impressive, but I have 500,000 bees and 20 hives.

Speaker 43 They turn to the third beekeeper and ask, how many bees do you have?

Speaker 29 Oh, me, he asks.

Speaker 26 Well,

Speaker 59 I have 1 million bees.

Speaker 62 1 million bees, they say.

Speaker 59 That is very impressive.

Speaker 38 How many hives do you have?

Speaker 23 And the third beekeeper says to them, I have one hive. One hive, they say.

Speaker 62 You have one million bees, but only one hive.

Speaker 23 And the third beekeeper says, yeah.

Speaker 15 Fuck them.

Speaker 2 I

Speaker 57 don't. I appreciate you trying to appeal to my common sense or whatever.

Speaker 61 That was fun.

Speaker 57 But here's the deal.

Speaker 59 I'm a space pirate, cupcake.

Speaker 29 I don't give a shit.

Speaker 45 Leif gives me the boom boom box. This is not a negotiation.

Speaker 3 And I'm back.

Speaker 6 The FYI, I can keep doing this, Effie.

Speaker 7 Oh, snail.

Speaker 5 Ted, you can't keep this up forever. You're right.

Speaker 6 How about I speed things up with a boarding party?

Speaker 5 Thoughts in the parking lot. Seriously?

Speaker 48 That's cheating.

Speaker 14 Lock the doors.

Speaker 30 X. Yeah, I got it.
Hang on.

Speaker 7 Aloha.

Speaker 19 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 35 She's got that one in a headline.

Speaker 16 This is very enjoyable.

Speaker 16 She's using the leg of one to beat the other ones.

Speaker 11 I like and am also scared of her.

Speaker 28 Okay, we're good.

Speaker 28 What the fuck was that? What what the fuck just happened?

Speaker 5 Kind of hard to explain, Ted. Suffice to say, it's important to always end your relationships responsibly so that everyone gets the closure that they need.

Speaker 30 What?

Speaker 30 You.

Speaker 56 Space pirate.

Speaker 28 Enough is enough. Whoa!

Speaker 14 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, there's a little bit of a bunch of fun!

Speaker 44 Back it up, Lizzy Bordenbot.

Speaker 30 You know, whatever you're pointing at me probably can't kill me.

Speaker 23 You come come at me, and I start killing your friends.

Speaker 48 Laif is the only one I need alive.

Speaker 45 Lafe, am I a pretty good shot with this thing?

Speaker 51 You're the best. That's right.

Speaker 59 I can even do those fancy no-look trick shots. Wanna see?

Speaker 43 Nobody wants to see.

Speaker 8 We all believe you.

Speaker 5 Hex, stand down.

Speaker 62 I'm keeping my eye on you.

Speaker 28 Casper, somebody has to do something.

Speaker 5 I know, but nobody can.

Speaker 10 Ted, we've got a problem.

Speaker 6 I'm sorry, we.

Speaker 25 I don't actually have a problem. Yes, you do, Ted.

Speaker 5 You saw what just happened to your boarding party? That's going to happen to anyone who tries to get in here because we have a secret weapon. Hey, boo.

Speaker 19 Hey.

Speaker 5 So, you can't get in here.

Speaker 59 Love tracks won't leave.

Speaker 5 And your two ships are just sitting out there shooting at each other.

Speaker 12 Here we all are, Ted.

Speaker 5 Locked up in each other's bullshit. Nobody giving an inch.
All of us getting nowhere.

Speaker 5 And we'll grind away like this, convincing ourselves that we're making progress, but we'll always just be right here.

Speaker 5 Until we all stop caring all at the same time.

Speaker 16 Are you making a personal appeal right now?

Speaker 26 Yes. To whom? Me?

Speaker 6 Do you think I have any choice in what's going on right now? Nobody makes choices in my world, buddy. The directives come through and we just do what we're told.

Speaker 5 Ted, if this goes on long enough, we're just gonna jump away again.

Speaker 5 Then it starts again. You chasing us, us narrowly escaping.
It could go on forever.

Speaker 16 No, it won't go on forever.

Speaker 6 It'll go like this. You keep running, and we are always there, around every corner, slowly grinding you down.
I don't care what kind of secret weapon you have. You'll all fuck up eventually.

Speaker 6 And we will pick you off one by one until it's down to just you again, Casper.

Speaker 7 And then we'll grab you too.

Speaker 6 And then it will just be an empty diner crisscrossing the triad.

Speaker 23 And nobody will care.

Speaker 6 It won't be dramatic, it'll just be another thing decided for us. That's how this ends.

Speaker 5 Even your malevolence is boring, Ted.

Speaker 16 Boring, but effective. That's how we rule the cosmos.

Speaker 39 What did you think?

Speaker 6 That this was some sort of final showdown? No such thing in my world. It all just keeps grinding on.

Speaker 5 These guys are the fucking worst.

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Speaker 30 Anyone have any other ideas?

Speaker 57 Excuse me, waiter.

Speaker 25 Looks like we're going to be here a while. I'd like to order.

Speaker 28 Life, can your ship get me over to the dead ship?

Speaker 19 They'd see you coming.

Speaker 28 But there's a cloaking device, right?

Speaker 19 The cloaking device is optical. They can still pick you up on scanners.
You'd get blown out of the sky.

Speaker 30 I really don't like feeling helpless.

Speaker 5 You wanted to learn about being human. Helplessness is really the first lesson.

Speaker 14 Hello.

Speaker 50 Gloria, I'm going to go take Loop Trax's order.

Speaker 34 Why? Nothing is working. Maybe being nice will work.

Speaker 25 Sure. Sure, okay.

Speaker 5 We should try anything at this point. Okay.

Speaker 21 This is not a bad situation to be in, right? We're essentially in a stalemate with everyone. It beats the alternative.

Speaker 5 Thought of having to run from the Teds for the rest of our lives sounds miserable.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Well,

Speaker 21 welcome to the triad, buddy.

Speaker 38 Excuse me, Love Trax.

Speaker 57 What would you like?

Speaker 44 Hey, look at this.

Speaker 49 Baby Swatting's trying to take my order.

Speaker 41 Every restaurant needs a gimmick.

Speaker 48 Do they have to prune you back in the wintertime?

Speaker 50 I don't know what that means.

Speaker 48 I don't know what that means.

Speaker 13 It's adorable.

Speaker 8 Look at you. I want to wrap a string of popcorn around you and put an angel on your head.

Speaker 27 Can I please take your order?

Speaker 50 All right.

Speaker 57 Calm down there, you little Keebler tree.

Speaker 17 What's good here?

Speaker 12 Can't go wrong with the Monte Cristo.

Speaker 38 Ooh, sounds good. Two Monte Cristos, please.
Would you like coffee?

Speaker 28 Well, sure.

Speaker 49 I hear the coffee here is great.

Speaker 34 Coming right up.

Speaker 59 Should I not have ordered you a Monte Cristo?

Speaker 48 It's not going to be too hard on your arteries, is it, old timer?

Speaker 58 It would have been.

Speaker 41 Most of my arteries are Gore-Tex grafts at this point.

Speaker 48 You know, I thought you'd have some work done.

Speaker 59 Where did you go?

Speaker 8 Zack and that.

Speaker 53 I hear they're great.

Speaker 59 I thought about getting a little nip tuck here and there, but I'm already such a super tramp, right?

Speaker 57 How do you improve on perfection?

Speaker 12 So true.

Speaker 59 We used to get around you and I.

Speaker 62 You remember?

Speaker 37 I remember.

Speaker 59 There was that bird lady.

Speaker 60 What was her name?

Speaker 41 Vajolinth.

Speaker 44 She was a lot.

Speaker 59 I know. You were with two Keats at the same time and didn't know it.

Speaker 62 They all look alike.

Speaker 38 And the one with the poofy tail.

Speaker 46 Raven the NecoQueen. This is disgusting.

Speaker 40 I'm in hell.

Speaker 14 She almost killed you, didn't she?

Speaker 42 With a lamp?

Speaker 12 Yeah, but you can't blame her.

Speaker 41 She was a good person. We just couldn't get on the same

Speaker 37 frequency.

Speaker 20 Uh-oh.

Speaker 59 Did we lose him? Grandpa, is the dementia kicking in?

Speaker 41 Excuse me for just one second, boss.

Speaker 47 Okay, come back soon.

Speaker 29 When I get bored, I kill things.

Speaker 72 Shale?

Speaker 34 Yes.

Speaker 34 Why am I smelling a scheme on you right now?

Speaker 71 It's going to be fine.

Speaker 30 Are you having a good time yucking it up with the pirate holding us all hostage?

Speaker 41 Sorry. Am I impeding the incredible progress you're all making on our predicament?

Speaker 40 You're not wrong.

Speaker 71 Here's your coffee loaf track.

Speaker 13 Thanks.

Speaker 64 Oh, Todd and Ball.

Speaker 37 Hey, Doc, mind if I have a seat?

Speaker 35 Sure.

Speaker 41 Good to see you again.

Speaker 35 Are you making small talk with me? While we're caught in the middle of a deep space naval battle?

Speaker 8 I'm shopping around for a theory.

Speaker 5 Is it a theory that can get us out of this mess?

Speaker 26 I'm talking to my friend here.

Speaker 5 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 35 Don't try and talk physics with me, Leif. You always embarrass yourself.

Speaker 13 Time crystals.

Speaker 37 They can't be the power source for that thing out there.

Speaker 24 No, they can't.

Speaker 35 Why is that, Leaf?

Speaker 26 Because you can't gain any new energy from a time crystal.

Speaker 24 That's right.

Speaker 35 And why is that?

Speaker 40 Because then you would be creating new energy. And you can't create new energy in the universe.
You can only move it from one place to another.

Speaker 35 In a universe set to infinity, you can't add to infinity.

Speaker 26 Making infinity, in its way,

Speaker 12 finite.

Speaker 35 Well, look who's still sucking in oxygen.

Speaker 22 Why are we talking about this?

Speaker 26 I think I have...

Speaker 42 Unfortunately...

Speaker 41 Figured it out.

Speaker 48 Love tracks? You're hovering there, Miracle Goro.

Speaker 59 I don't like it when people hover.

Speaker 27 Love tracks.

Speaker 34 That big gun that Leaf was talking about, I need you to point it at the other other big thing out there, just like Casper said.

Speaker 23 Oh, is that what you need?

Speaker 24 Yes.

Speaker 48 And what makes you think that I'm going to?

Speaker 11 Because I just poisoned you.

Speaker 26 What?

Speaker 30 What? What?

Speaker 59 What the fuck did you just say to me?

Speaker 67 I just poisoned you.

Speaker 34 Your coffee was poisoned.

Speaker 55 Oh, my God.

Speaker 25 Poisoned with

Speaker 49 what? With me!

Speaker 38 I'm poisonous.

Speaker 68 What? What?

Speaker 27 Seriously?

Speaker 34 At the bottom of your coffee cup, you'll see a small piece of my outer carapace.

Speaker 35 It's poisonous.

Speaker 48 I feel fine.

Speaker 34 Are you sure you're sweating a lot?

Speaker 25 Shut up, I am not.

Speaker 37 You actually are, boss.

Speaker 49 Everybody, shut up.

Speaker 22 Numbness will start in your extremities and slowly move to your heart or heart, depending.

Speaker 34 How are your hands feeling?

Speaker 58 You little mulch pellet!

Speaker 49 Don't overexert yourself.

Speaker 34 You're just going to speed up the poison.

Speaker 59 There's no way this hurts me. My liver is the size of a javelina.

Speaker 34 It can kill something the size of that ship in the parking lot.

Speaker 11 You don't have a lot of time.

Speaker 34 You have to do what I say.

Speaker 22 Dark fucking horse.

Speaker 68 I'm gonna kill you! Oh, fuck! Shell, get behind me!

Speaker 48 Everybody out of the way, it's time for some herbicides!

Speaker 49 If you shoot me, you won't get the antidote.

Speaker 13 Shell, what the fuck?

Speaker 22 I'm sorry. Somebody had to do something.

Speaker 47 Okay, fine.

Speaker 7 Everybody does this.

Speaker 11 Come here.

Speaker 25 Oh!

Speaker 57 Now, stay there. Off me, you titanium hooker.

Speaker 30 Don't test me. I'll pop off your arms like a Ken doll.

Speaker 49 Who the fuck are you, people?

Speaker 22 We run a dying.

Speaker 24 Shell!

Speaker 55 Trust me, okay?

Speaker 27 Only a couple of minutes left, Loaf Tracks.

Speaker 59 I hope you get eaten by beavers, you little shrub demon.

Speaker 25 What is it called?

Speaker 19 80-ton railgun.

Speaker 27 Point your 80-ton railgun at the big thing out there.

Speaker 43 It's the only way you live.

Speaker 11 Fine.

Speaker 53 Antidote first.

Speaker 34 Nope.

Speaker 32 Fine.

Speaker 38 How do they talk to the ship? Communicator.

Speaker 19 Right front pocket.

Speaker 72 Okay.

Speaker 34 Loof tracks, do I have permission to reach into your pocket?

Speaker 48 I'm going to chop you up and put you in my closet to repel moths.

Speaker 34 Taking that as a yes.

Speaker 24 Okay.

Speaker 62 Talk. Ryan Abby.

Speaker 48 Point the railgun at that big thing out there and fire.

Speaker 38 I don't care. Just do it.

Speaker 13 There.

Speaker 60 Now give me the fucking antidote.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 34 Don't let them up, okay?

Speaker 30 They're not going anywhere.

Speaker 11 I'm Shell, by the way.

Speaker 56 I'm X.

Speaker 28 It's nice to meet you.

Speaker 71 I'm sorry everyone was so rude to you earlier.

Speaker 60 You know, it's a lot of old business.

Speaker 11 Sorry.

Speaker 34 Gloria, I need your help making the antidote.

Speaker 47 Fine.

Speaker 9 I am rearranging my opinion of this strange lady, dear.

Speaker 16 I do feel much safer.

Speaker 28 Thanks, guys.

Speaker 6 Don't push it, though.

Speaker 13 Oh, whatever.

Speaker 34 Get a really sharp knife.

Speaker 18 What am I doing with it?

Speaker 20 Just get it.

Speaker 26 Okay.

Speaker 43 Seriously, Shell, poisonous?

Speaker 34 Sorry.

Speaker 24 I wanted you all to like me.

Speaker 45 We all like Casper.

Speaker 18 He's emotionally poisonous.

Speaker 47 Okay.

Speaker 18 I have a knife. What now?

Speaker 34 I need you to cut it into me a little bit.

Speaker 18 I don't want to do that.

Speaker 55 It's okay. Isn't that going to hurt you?

Speaker 34 Of course it's going to hurt me. You're cutting into me.

Speaker 24 I don't want to hurt you.

Speaker 34 Not too deep. See on my side here, the skin is like bark, right?

Speaker 22 I need you to pry it open a little.

Speaker 25 Oh, God.

Speaker 71 It'll heal.

Speaker 34 It's like Proverbs 27, right, Seb? Wounds from a sincere friend are better than kisses from an enemy.

Speaker 31 That's right, Chef.

Speaker 15 Okay. Okay.

Speaker 15 Oh.

Speaker 25 Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, okay.

Speaker 13 Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Speaker 39 I'm sorry.

Speaker 22 It's okay. What do I do now?

Speaker 38 See that white fuzzy stuff? Yeah.

Speaker 34 That's it.

Speaker 13 Grab a little bit.

Speaker 25 Okay, I've got it. Okay.

Speaker 37 You can take the knife out.

Speaker 36 Okay, I'm taking it out.

Speaker 36 I'm sorry again.

Speaker 36 It's okay.

Speaker 18 What now?

Speaker 56 Love Trexis, eat it.

Speaker 45 Give me it.

Speaker 25 Okay.

Speaker 68 Don't let them up.

Speaker 18 I won't. Open your mouth.
Ow.

Speaker 17 Ooh!

Speaker 59 That tastes like ashtray water.

Speaker 26 Keep chewing.

Speaker 36 Lafe, make sure the pirate ship is doing what it's supposed to.

Speaker 19 Let's watch some fucking fireworks, y'all. Everyone outside.

Speaker 18 Bring the pirate outside.

Speaker 30 Up we go.

Speaker 49 Ow!

Speaker 70 Hey!

Speaker 47 Can I have my gun back?

Speaker 30 Absolutely not.

Speaker 34 Come on, Muckle Waynes.

Speaker 50 We might actually be out of the woods. That was quite a brave thing you did, Shell.

Speaker 20 I know, right?

Speaker 13 It was kind of biblical, huh?

Speaker 50 A wound in my side and everything.

Speaker 25 You don't look happy. No!

Speaker 24 Tell me.

Speaker 41 The reason it looks like wind chimes is because it's constantly borrowing and giving back energy from different vibrational states.

Speaker 42 It creates a current from energy flowing back and forth between several universes at once.

Speaker 35 And that energy flows through the time crystals, creating a field across three galaxies.

Speaker 26 Somehow.

Speaker 41 But here's the kicker.

Speaker 35 If your particles aren't vibrating at the same time frequency as the wind chimes, you can't interact with it.

Speaker 41 It'll be like a ghost.

Speaker 2 Nothing can touch it.

Speaker 35 The railgun is going to shoot straight through it like it's not even there.

Speaker 13 Correct.

Speaker 35 Why didn't you say anything?

Speaker 67 What if I'm wrong?

Speaker 24 You're not wrong.

Speaker 26 No, I'm not.

Speaker 35 So...

Speaker 35 We're screwed.

Speaker 41 It's good to see you again, Doc.

Speaker 13 You know,

Speaker 41 I've seen a lot of things.

Speaker 41 Never saw a man crawl across three galaxies just to say he's sorry.

Speaker 15 For what it's worth.

Speaker 35 Leave?

Speaker 35 Where are you going?

Speaker 15 Showtime.

Speaker 5 Targeting engage loading our one. See it there?

Speaker 8 You can see it turning.

Speaker 68 Jesus, it's the size of the Brooklyn Bridge.

Speaker 27 That's going to shoot something?

Speaker 19 Superheated plasma, void torpedoes, purple nullifiers, they're all great.

Speaker 19 But in the end, nothing comes close to a huge rail launching an 80-ton hunk of metal at something else.

Speaker 21 Shouldn't they be shooting that at the tent?

Speaker 13 Too slow.

Speaker 19 You can't shoot it at something that can get out of the way.

Speaker 43 It's a city killer.

Speaker 21 You've really kept the worst company.

Speaker 43 You know that?

Speaker 25 Hey, he's gotten better.

Speaker 8 Here we go.

Speaker 43 Eat shit, Teds. Launching in three, two,

Speaker 43 one. Projectile alignment.

Speaker 11 Come on, come on.

Speaker 39 Oh, no.

Speaker 21 Why isn't anything happening?

Speaker 48 Did you fucking idiots miss?

Speaker 16 No, boss.

Speaker 34 Targeting was right on. Projectile, pass right through it.

Speaker 5 Pass through it.

Speaker 51 How's that possible?

Speaker 35 We can't touch it. What?

Speaker 11 Why? Hey, guys.

Speaker 6 What you up to? Did you somehow get Loof Trax to fire their railgun at my wind chimes? How'd it go? Are you winning the battle?

Speaker 35 It cycles between vibrational states. We can't touch it because it only exists in our universe in random intervals.

Speaker 19 That's impossible.

Speaker 35 That's how it generates energy. Do the math, Leef.

Speaker 2 This place sucks.

Speaker 8 Fuck you, people and your math.

Speaker 8 Ryan Abby, be me the fuck up and let's get out of here.

Speaker 17 I hate this place.

Speaker 40 Let's go pillage something.

Speaker 55 Were you going to tell us? I didn't know.

Speaker 35 Even older Leaf just told me.

Speaker 5 Pirate ship is leaving. There goes our cover.

Speaker 6 Hey, Casper, quick question.

Speaker 6 Was trying to work with pirates your worst idea yet, or was it just maybe top five?

Speaker 5 Well, at least we'll be reunited once again, old pet.

Speaker 6 I'm going to freeze you in a block of ice and put you in my quarters like a taxi-dermied elk, you fucking chimp.

Speaker 33 Prepare to be boarded, midnight burger.

Speaker 30 I'm going to eat all your bots alive, Ted.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I don't know who you are, lady, but there's one of you, and I've got five hundred bots.

Speaker 7 Let's see what happens.

Speaker 19 Where's Leif?

Speaker 36 Where is he going?

Speaker 28 Is he leaving us?

Speaker 43 No.

Speaker 7 Hey, hey, hey, hey,

Speaker 33 I'm on the fence.

Speaker 11 Hell, why not do both?

Speaker 5 Who is this?

Speaker 15 This is Laif. Lafe?

Speaker 40 What are you doing?

Speaker 16 Well, then who the fuck is that?

Speaker 7 That's also Lafe.

Speaker 31 Oh, my God, whatever.

Speaker 68 I am so sick of this shit.

Speaker 6 Whoever you are, surrender your vessel or be destroyed.

Speaker 11 Sorry, pal.

Speaker 7 I've got a date with your contraption out there.

Speaker 6 Oh, this is heroism?

Speaker 11 That's adorable.

Speaker 6 Buddy, didn't you just watch an 80-ton projectile pass through my contraption?

Speaker 15 Nothing's untouchable, tediots.

Speaker 7 Especially not to a guy who knows how to get his drive core to mimic a vibrational pattern.

Speaker 16 Wait, what?

Speaker 7 Let's pause while I analyze your vibrational oscillations and you slowly realize how I'm about to blow your shit up.

Speaker 19 Lafe, what are you doing?

Speaker 15 You know what I'm doing?

Speaker 19 Oscillations like that are going to irradiate your entire shit.

Speaker 39 What is he doing? Lafe.

Speaker 19 This isn't the way. We can figure something else out.

Speaker 15 come.

Speaker 6 Shoot him down.

Speaker 3 Shoot him down right now.

Speaker 31 Not very good at shooting small targets, are you?

Speaker 11 Fire

Speaker 11 everything. Are we firing everything?

Speaker 7 Sure could use a prayer right now, Muckle Waynes. Ephesians, dear.

Speaker 16 Take my hand.

Speaker 16 Put on the whole armor of God that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

Speaker 16 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness in this world,

Speaker 31 against spiritual wickedness in high places.

Speaker 7 What the hell's happening? What is that music? Why aren't we firing? Whoa!

Speaker 7 Would you look at that? The path is clear, old man. Godspeed.
I'll be damned.

Speaker 7 Saved by the power of Jesus.

Speaker 7 How's that for fucking irony?

Speaker 5 Leaf, what is he doing?

Speaker 19 He's going to ram it.

Speaker 5 I thought we couldn't touch it.

Speaker 19 He's overcharging his core and using the excess energy to alter his vibrational pattern.

Speaker 40 If he matches the vibrational pattern of the wind chimes,

Speaker 19 then it's just as vulnerable as anything else.

Speaker 55 It's brilliant.

Speaker 19 Leif, we could have talked about this.

Speaker 7 No time, Buster.

Speaker 31 Listen close.

Speaker 3 This is going to be your speech someday.

Speaker 3 I am Laif.

Speaker 3 I live forever in every moment I've existed.

Speaker 31 I swear to every star in the cosmos,

Speaker 31 I never forgot it was a gift.

Speaker 11 Not for one second.

Speaker 38 He saved us.

Speaker 25 We're free.

Speaker 21 Lafe.

Speaker 21 Are you okay?

Speaker 19 Debris field.

Speaker 19 What? Debris field. There's going to be a debris field.
Everybody needs to get inside right now.

Speaker 5 Okay, let's go, everybody.

Speaker 43 Inside, what's happening? We need to get to a safe place.

Speaker 24 Be safe in here.

Speaker 19 I know the diner's been through a lot, but everybody get under a booth just to be safe.

Speaker 19 I don't know what's coming at us right now.

Speaker 68 Shell, under here.

Speaker 25 Okay, we'll be fine.

Speaker 8 We'll be fine.

Speaker 21 Wraith, you two get down.

Speaker 15 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 69 Hi.

Speaker 63 Hi.

Speaker 63 happy finger.

Speaker 5 Midnight Burger is made possible in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters: Wilson, Billy, Burkbert, Bethany, The Arts Sherpa, Lucrezia, The Waiting Pool Pirates, Mel Momberg, Rogue, Justine Burbank, Edgy Steve, Thomas Stolen, Michael Christian, Tavrock Stormbringer, Gen C, Leia B, Onyx Rose, Marissa, Aaron Mitchell, Raven the NecoQueen, Kelly Jane Danky, Melvis Gray Mystery, Om Vega, Codex Typo, Ang Velasquez, Ruth McCormick, Stuck in Derplahoma, Dancing Dog Dreams, Dreams, Diodand, Menlor, Tracy, Calibri, Hippo, Maloran, Mrun Mai Selil, Kara, Late Indeed Again, Ian Herzler, Mother of Thor, Special K, Ryan Abbey, Sarah Bergenholtz, Will Goliou, Zacky Nat, Nea, Anna, Ben and Jessica, Levi, Dalek Steve, Darcy D, and Existentially Exhausted Bean.

Speaker 73 Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all. Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in in the vastness.

Speaker 52 And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember we're out there somewhere looking for you.

Speaker 73 We open at six.

Speaker 56 The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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