Chapter 19: Battle Without Honor or Humanity

and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-litre jug.

When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Oh, come on.

They called a truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your holidays.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

CRM was supposed to improve customer relationships.

Instead, it's shorthand for customer rage machine.

Your CRM can't explain why a customer's package took five detours?

Reboot your inner piece and scream into a pillow.

It's okay.

On the ServiceNow AI platform, CRM stands for something better.

AI agents don't just track issues, they resolve them, transforming the entire customer experience.

So breathe in and breathe out.

Bad CRM was then.

This is ServiceNow.

Previously on Midnight Burger, it is to the left of me.

Attention, Midnight Burger.

This is the Ted Empire.

Loaf tracks to the right.

Is this the party line?

What are you guys wearing?

It's loaf tracks.

Oh, shit.

Here I am, stuck in the middle with who again?

Nancy?

You guys open?

Even older leaf.

Surprise!

Casper.

So,

what did I miss?

Let's get ready to be stuck in the middle of a rumble.

And that's how we wound up here.

Robot cowboy?

Anthony Elliot.

So, who are these guys?

Who's the ficus?

What?

We're not allowed to make friends?

Wait, who are you breaking out of the Ted home with?

Where is I can recall several arguments about having seatbelts?

Oh, hello, everyone.

Berts.

Hey, Laif.

Still a fucking asshole?

Uh, can't confirm.

Listen up, folks.

The gang's all here.

We could get caught up later.

Laif, is that your dad?

No.

Why the hell did the diner drop you in the middle of a firefight?

We don't know.

Another long story.

We're in between two ships trying to destroy each other.

Should we be doing this in the parking lot?

You are not coming inside.

Gloria, come on.

I am nice now.

That's what Satan was saying.

Welcome to the party, Nancy Sinatra.

All the fish are just jumping into my boat now, aren't they?

How is he talking through the radio?

We don't know, but it ain't right.

Dad, is that you?

Jesus Christ.

Dad,

you're okay.

I cannot fucking believe this.

I know.

What a world.

How is the escape pod?

Oh, super comfortable.

Thanks.

You know what else?

Will be super comfortable?

The block of chemical ice I'm going to freeze you in.

Ted, I feel like you haven't mellowed.

I feel like you've learned nothing since we last spoke.

Where's the growth, Ted?

Let's have a nice, long conversation about it while I target your parking lot with a void torpedo.

Sir, you are not welcome in this radio.

Well, I'll be.

I think that did it.

Okay, everyone inside.

Here we go.

Are we going to be any safer inside?

That thing's going to freak me out the whole time isn't it?

Their name is Shell.

They are a tree.

Okay, whatever.

I know that's a TED ship.

What is it fighting with?

Loaf tracks.

The space pirate, seriously?

Looks like the pirates are saving our asses at the moment.

I wouldn't complain too much.

Can she not talk?

It's freaking me out.

Hey, what does the friggin space pirate want with us?

They want our doomsday device.

Doomsday device?

There's a doomsday device now?

We may have picked up a doomsday device along the way.

Where in the- Oh, wait, don't tell me.

From the secret hardened criminals, is this the purple thing?

That's the purple nullifier.

There's also a doomsday device.

How'd you know about the purple nullifier?

There's two doomsday devices?

The purple nullifier isn't a doomsday device, it's just a bomb.

I swear to God, the words just a bomb came out of your mouth.

How does that feel?

Is this the Ted Slayer?

Yeah.

Nice.

You actually built it, huh?

No, Shop Talk.

What is the Ted Slayer?

Seriously, you called it the Ted Slayer.

Well, that's what it does.

What are you talking about?

It's a computer virus.

It unravels the Ted Empire from the inside out.

But we talked about it a lot, and we decided that we shouldn't use it.

You shouldn't use it?

No.

Okay, I need you to focus on this next question very carefully.

What?

It's awful nice to have everyone back together again, isn't it, dear?

It's real nice, husband.

The negatives outweigh the positives.

How heavy are these negatives exactly?

Mass starvation.

Plague.

Okay, that sounds bad, but there's a very big ship floating outside, Gloria.

I can see the ship.

It's the size of Sri Lanka, Gloria.

Casper.

And let me tell you about this thing.

You may have heard of it.

It's called Chemical Ice.

I've heard of it.

Leave, you're a criminal.

Have you ever been frozen in chemical ice?

Twice.

Twice.

Six times.

Six times over there.

Would we recommend being frozen in chemical ice?

No.

It's not great.

So we're all on the brink of being frozen in chemical ice, and we have the thing that can stop that, but we're not using it yet.

I would like to fill out a comment card, please.

It wouldn't just fuck the Teds.

Casper, it would fuck everybody.

If the warp gates shut down, everybody suffers.

We talked about it, we argued about it.

This is what we decided.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

If that's the way it is, then okay.

We'll figure something else out.

Seriously?

Hey, Laif.

Look at all the cannons I'm firing right now.

I think it's all.

Is it?

Is it all the cannons?

It is.

It's...

It is.

It's all the cannons.

Yeah, it's all of them.

Isn't that crazy?

Laif?

Laif, are you there?

Come on, don't be like that.

It's your old pal, Loaf Trax.

We have invited exactly zero people into this radio with us.

All of a sudden, it's like the town hall.

Laif, please talk to the space pirates.

Loa Trax, I'm not giving you the Ted Slayer.

Are you sure?

Kind of feels like you're gonna give it to me.

I'm not.

But you are, though.

Nobody is getting it, Loaf Trax.

Let me do the math.

I want the boom boom device.

I'm the only thing standing between you and the Teds, turning you into a popsicle.

Sounds like I get whatever I want right now.

I'm not going to watch you plunge three galaxies into chaos, Loaf Trax.

Okay, but counterpoint,

I'm gonna kill all your friends.

Minsky already tried that.

It didn't work.

Apparently I killed him.

How did I kill him?

Meat grind meat grinder.

Wow.

I guess I threw him in the meat grinder.

Did I kill him first?

And throw him in there?

No, no.

Just shoved him in there alive, huh?

Damn.

Oh, God.

Dark, guys.

Dark.

Okay, never mind that.

Love Trax, listen.

I'm not giving you the Ted Slayer.

But if you can get us out of this jam, I will come back and work for you.

Oh, yeah, you most certainly will not.

Leif, what the fuck?

Leif, I don't know what a pirate is, but I'm pretty sure I don't want you to be one.

I do not approve this plan.

Zebulon does not approve of this plan, Leif.

Leif, absolutely not.

Am I the only one who knows how fucked we are right now?

Two ships out there, both of them filled with the worst of the triad.

One ship wants to kill us.

The other one will if we don't meet its demands.

This is the most fucked we've ever been.

All while adorned with a colorful bird of some kind.

They appear to have eliminated those delightful aspects.

But kept all the killing.

Even older Leif, can you talk some sense into him, please?

But I'm not getting through to him.

See,

the young man has himself a little theory, don't you, Buster?

What is he talking about?

I think I'm the reason the Teds know about the diner.

What do you mean?

Way back when.

Right before I came here, I had just quit working for Loaf Trax.

I think the Teds were following me, hoping that I would lead them back to Loaf Tracks.

All the pirates in the system were looking for me.

I was on the run.

And then suddenly there was a diner.

Yes.

I think the Teds were watching me the first time I ever walked in here.

Which means they saw the diner disappear, and I'm sure it all started from there.

Guys, all of this could be my fault.

All of it.

It makes me

sick to think I've gotten you all into this mess.

I wanted to be someone else.

So when I got here,

I just started acting like the guy I wanted to be.

But I guess that's just not how things work.

And

I'm back.

Hey, just caught the tail end of that.

Wanted to jump in here real quick, guys.

Lafe is totally right.

We know about the diner because of him.

He's the only reason it's even a thing for us.

It's a pretty big ouch, Lafe.

Does it burn?

Look,

it's fine.

I've worked for Loaf Trax before.

I can do it again.

At least with the pirates, I won't have to act like someone I'm not.

I guess that's all I was doing around here anyway.

Laife, we are not letting you go.

Doesn't matter, Effie.

Loaf Trax isn't going to go for it anyway.

Yeah, Laif, I decided no.

Fuck.

Look, honey bear, I missed the crap out of you.

We had a lot of fun.

Remember that time you flooded an entire city?

Jesus, Leith.

God damn it.

Oh, I remember that.

Wiped out several neighborhoods just to rob a bank.

What a guy.

Good times all around.

But the thing is, I'm really excited about all this chaos I'm going to create when you give me the boom boom box.

It's really going to elevate my piracy game.

What is this box again?

Hey!

I'm talking here!

You know what?

You know what?

You know what I'm gonna do?

Remember that beamy downy thing you told me not to buy because it was too dangerous?

Well, oops, I bought it.

I'm gonna beam down there.

No, don't do that.

Really excited to meet your new friends.

Love tracks.

Oh, man.

This is perfect.

Literally, every criminal I want to capture is about to be in the same place.

Did I win a sweepstake?

I mean, do you guys have a comically large check for me?

All right.

Everybody over to Ava's booth.

I'm sick of shithead listening to us.

Sir, I do not appreciate you speaking out of our radio.

We consider it a violation.

Oh, no.

A violation?

How many demerits?

Those who impede a holy path never farewell, Theodore.

Oh, yeah.

What have you got for me?

Locusts?

Frogs?

None of those work in space, you hayseeds.

Oh, we're gonna come up with something.

Just you wake up.

Sorry, you're not going to be able to loaves and fishes your way out of this problem.

This is Bert Burt broadcasting on the Under Signal.

I am currently on board Midnight Burger on the outer rim of Triangulum.

We appear to be caught in a naval battle between a Ted battlecruiser and the dreaded Alex P.

Keaton, the flagship of the pirate Loaf Trax.

Despite our precarious situation, the true danger lies beyond us.

For as long as this reporter can remember, the TED Empire has denied conducting experiments with time crystals, the same objects responsible for the implosion and destruction of Vapus 10 in Andromeda.

Vapian refugees still, to this day, recall with horror the destruction of their planet from the volatile time crystals, and science councils across the triad have banned their use.

Despite all that, here I stand looking upon a gargantuan construction that is allegedly fueled by these dangerous objects.

So, what do pirates like to eat?

Wait, this is good, actually.

When the space pirate gets here, I can threaten them.

You know, physically.

You can?

Yeah, quick update, guys.

X is actually incredibly powerful to the point that it's fucking terrifying, but none of that matters.

It doesn't?

No.

What are you gonna do?

Kill Loaf Trax?

No, but they don't know that.

They're just going to call your bluff.

If you kill Loaftrax, then the pirate ship and the Ted ship will want to kill us.

Being powerful should be more fun.

I think we need to start getting in a headspace where we can give the doomsday device to the space pirate, guys.

I think you're right, Ava.

Don't talk to me, Uncanny Valley.

Peace.

Okay, look, regardless of what's going on outside, we're about to have a customer.

Can someone please tell me anything about Loaf Tracks?

They're a mass murderer.

Great.

The best Earth equivalent would be a cross between Tony Montana, Mama Rose, and Genghis Khan.

Even better.

Every ounce of crime in the triad goes through Loaf Trax.

They're the only thing more terrifying than the Teds.

And don't be distracted by the laughter.

The laughter?

They're obsessed with American sitcoms.

They had me make them a device that plays automatic audience reactions.

What's up, everybody?

This looks like a fun group.

What are you guys talking about?

Is it me?

I bet it's me.

Is it me?

Loa Trax.

There he is.

Lafe, you big asshole.

Come over here.

I'm gonna smack you on your fanny.

We've gotta talk about this.

Well, hang on there, Schnookums.

Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?

Let's go around the room here.

Who's the begonia?

Hi.

Oh, shit.

It talks.

Boy, plants really do liven up the place, don't they?

Who's next?

Can we skip to the part where you threaten us, please?

Oh, hey.

I know you.

You're the one who's been turning the system into a spicy fiesta.

Jesus Christ.

Hey, since you're in charge around here, how about you make Laif give me my boom boom box back?

Wait, is it a jewelry box?

I mean, what is in the box?

Shut up, you.

Go in a battle.

He can't give it to you.

Who are you?

Casper.

What do you do around here?

Never been sure exactly.

Seems to me it's pretty clear, Jasper.

Loaf Trax wants box.

Laif gives Loaf Trax box.

I understand that, but unfortunately, you've created a situation where it's in our best interest to not give you the box.

Of what now?

Well, if we give you the box, then you leave, right?

True.

And if you leave, there's no one to stop the Teds from coming to get us.

I'm listening.

So we can't give you the box because you're the only person keeping us alive, and you can't threaten it out of us because you've tried that already.

Is that correct?

Yes.

You've tried that already.

Huh.

Are you sure I can't threaten it out of you?

Yes.

What if my threats are really, really terrifying?

Captain Loaf Trax,

we have already weathered the storm of threats upon our lives over this box you speak of.

Our position is unwavering.

The suspense is killing me, guys.

What's in the box?

Will

you

get gone?

I believe I banished him again.

Love Trax, you could threaten us all you want.

We're not going to let other people suffer just to save our asses.

Huh.

Well, now I'm bored.

Kind of regretting killing my lawyer right now.

No, that was the right call.

All right.

Loaf Trax needs to have a think.

Who's the old guy?

It's me, Loaf Trax.

Me, who?

Wait, no.

Yep.

Lafe.

Yep.

But

you're over there, too.

I am.

Did you go back in time?

I'm afraid I did.

Lafe, you adorable little dumbass.

You always told me i did i always did what did i always say about time travel what's wrong with right now what's wrong with right now exactly right now is great i mean not for any of you you're probably all screwed but for me it's great

what's the point of going back in time and trying to patch things up with your girlfriend that's not

She wasn't my girlfriend.

Wait, what?

Uh-oh, awkward.

What are they talking about?

You know how when people get drunk, there's that one thing they can't shut up about?

Please stop.

It was his master plan to build a time machine so he could go back and patch things up with a certain someone.

You're kidding me.

Loaf Trax is famously, historically, not a gossip.

But I can tell you that her name started with a BERT and ended with a BERT.

Amazing.

I was drunk.

That actually sounds a little sweet, doesn't it, dear?

Could he not have patched things up in the present?

No, he couldn't have, because that would mean taking responsibility for his actions, and I think we all know how he is with that, don't we?

Berts, come on.

I'm not talking to you.

I am talking to the radio people.

I appear to have stepped in an anthill on this one.

Multiple stings on your toe.

Wow.

Look at this old bastard, Laf.

You do not age well.

Thanks.

There may be some chips on the paint, but the engine's running just fine.

Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

Mind if I sit?

Please.

So

you came back in time and just decided to stay, huh?

Relive your glory days.

Yeah.

I thought I'd check in, see how things were going in this timeline.

You know, I finally went to Menlore.

You did?

Yep.

The robot cowboys.

Yep.

How'd it go?

Not the way you would have expected.

Damn.

That would have been a thing.

Space pirate cowboys.

You know how I love a good cultural mashup.

I know you do.

Well, antique Leaf.

Loaf Trax is in a bit of a pickle.

Seems that way.

He's not gonna give me the box, is he?

Nope.

And he's got to say the magic words to make the box open, right?

It's true.

What kind of world are we living in?

Where threats of violence don't do the trick anymore.

It's a tragedy.

While Loftrax is distracted, we need a plan B.

There was no plan A.

There's two battleships fighting outside our doors.

Something's going to give any second second now.

Berbert, is anyone in the area you can contact?

Anyone who can help us out?

We're on the outer rim of Triangle and there's nothing here.

Gloria?

Are we making secret plans?

Still too soon with you, okay?

I was an android obeying my programming.

Stand over there.

Gloria, what is it, Shell?

If the pirate wants something that we don't want to give them, is there maybe something else it wants?

I tried offering myself.

Not an even trade.

Oh, come on.

Can we resolve personal beefs after we escape the evil empire, please?

Fern here has a point.

Shall maybe there's a third thing.

What about the third thing outside?

What?

There are the two big things outside shooting at each other, and then the third thing.

The wind chimes.

Anyone know what it is?

I myself am feeling a certain way about that ghostly construct in the distance.

Nothing about it feels right.

When I was captured by Ted, he told me that that thing out there is what's keeping the diner trapped in the present.

Do you think there's any way we can,

I don't know, knock it offline or something?

Maybe if we can destroy it, we'll just zip out of here, leave them to kill each other.

But Bertbird, do you know anything about it?

It's a massive secret.

Something to do with time crystals?

What kind of masters of the universe?

Bullshit.

It's a theoretical thing.

I don't do theoretical things.

Waiting patiently over here at my booth.

What the hell is it?

It's not a crystal, first of all.

A crystal is right there in the title.

A crystal, like the kind idiots wear around their neck.

That's an organized arrangement of atoms.

The time crystal is an organized arrangement of time.

Okay, the universe is just making shit up now?

Imagine a rocking chair.

You push it, and it rocks back and forth, and then stops.

If that rocking chair were a time crystal, its natural state would be rocking back and forth.

How?

Do you really want me to- Never mind.

Any chance we can get Love Tracks interested in that instead of the doomsday device?

Is it dangerous?

Can it kill people?

That might be a good sell.

It's incredibly dangerous.

It could be catastrophic.

That's great.

Yeah, that might work, actually.

Did you hear what I just said?

Loftrax isn't going to go for it.

They've been obsessed with the Ted Slayer ever since I left.

Of course, they are, plunging three galaxies into total chaos.

That's like space pirate coachelle.

We need to get Loftrax off of the Doomsday device and onto the Time Crystal thing.

We need to convince them to destroy it.

Well, how do we do that?

The Ted Slayer is great for space pirates.

What we need is someone who is really good at taking a good thing and turning it into something bad.

Everyone appears to be looking at me.

Oh, yeah, buddy.

You do have a tendency to turn a wedding into a wake, Casper.

Okay.

Okay, everyone.

Harsh but fair.

Here I go.

Pardon me, Loaf Trax?

Jasper.

So,

this doomsday device.

Uh-oh.

Has there there been a change of heart?

No, but you're going to have one.

Oh, yeah?

This sounds like a waste of time.

I'm into it.

Just to make sure we're on the same page, if someone uses this device, then the entire Ted Empire unravels.

Sounds great, right?

It really does.

But then also, when the Teds unravel, so does the Triad, right?

Oh, yeah.

Three galaxies full of chaos.

Just talking about it gets me excited.

Yeah.

I don't think you want that.

I don't.

no

see

there was this guy on earth his name was al capone

okay he was a murderous psychopath who was riddled with syphilis oh so wipe right he became incredibly powerful when america decided that it would be a great idea to ban alcohol did that stop people from drinking no all it did was create a lot of work for people who were good at skirting the law with alcohol being illegal al capone was able to create a criminal empire larger than anything anyone had ever seen.

You watch a lot of history shows, right?

It's true.

See,

Al Capone was only able to become Al Capone because he had laws to break.

If you use this doomsday device, then you win.

No more Teds.

You'd be the ruler of the triad.

I love this story!

What are you going to do with all the starving people?

What do you mean?

What am I going to do?

The Teds are pretty smart, Love Tracks.

They suck, they're the worst, everybody hates them, but they've insinuated themselves into people's lives so deeply that people can no longer function without them.

So now, the way anyone feels about them is totally pointless.

People are forced to just sit there and take it because they have no other choice.

And this is an argument against destroying them.

It is, because I say again, what are you going to do with all the starving people?

The fuck do I care?

Let them starve, right?

Sure.

And there you are.

You're the ruler of an empire where everyone is dying.

Does that sound fun to you?

No.

This is what I'm talking about.

Okay, fine.

Uh, I

turn on the warp gate for the planets that have the food, and I let them sell it to me for a jacked-up price.

Now, if you want to eat, you go through me.

Great.

Let's look at one of those planets as an example.

This is boring.

Stick with me.

What's that planet with all the fields?

Mennite?

Mennite.

A planet full of rolling fields of grain.

Planet gluten, we used to call it.

You turn on their warp gate so that they can get you all the grain you want, then you turn around and sell it for, I'm thinking, thinking, a 500% price increase.

In an effort to provide you with all the food that you demand, now everybody on Mennite is a farmer.

And when everybody is a farmer, nobody does anything else.

When people get sick, there's no doctors.

When children are born, they're born idiots because there are no more schools because everyone is out of the fields all day.

You have now created a planet full of sick idiots in charge of feeding millions.

When their machines break down, nobody can fix them.

When plagues hit, there's no one to heal them.

Fine.

I'll put some schools there or whatever and I'll send them some doctors.

Great, fantastic.

Are you hiring the teachers?

No.

Right.

Best to delegate.

Oof, that's a big planet, though.

You're going to need a lot of teachers, and those teachers are going to need some organizational support so that you're going to have to create some sort of department of education.

You're cool with that, right?

Whatever.

A lot of people to take care of, too.

I mean, we're not talking about a handful of doctors.

We're talking about thousands.

Okay.

I'm assuming you're not going to hire them either, which means that you'll have to delegate the responsibility of hiring the farmers, the doctors, and the teachers.

But But you know what?

Who hires the person that hires the doctors and the teachers?

Is that you?

Still don't.

Okay, then there's going to need to be someone above the teachers and the doctors and the people who hire the teachers and the doctors.

Who the hell is that guy?

I'm thinking a prime minister.

Someone to be in charge of the whole planet.

Someone who answers directly to you.

Fine.

There, it's handled.

One problem.

One.

Huh?

You see, what you don't know is that on Mennite, there's this small faction of isolationists.

They hated the Teds when they were in charge, and now they hate you too.

They work against you in the background, trying to convince people that you, a murderous space pirate, have no business taking the fruits of their hard work and leaving them with nothing.

They hold late-night meetings, and then protests, and then walkouts, and then they are burning straw effigies of you in the town square.

What do they call themselves, Ladies?

The Brotherhood of the Scythe.

Brotherhood of the Scythe.

I think we can both agree that a name like that is a marketing slam dunk, can't we?

Then I have them killed.

How?

You can't find them.

You don't know anyone on this planet.

They all look the same to you.

You really want to spend your time rooting out rebellion in the wheat fields?

No.

Then what do you do, Loafrax?

Form a police force.

That's right.

Loaf Trax the pirate, career criminal, is hiring cops.

But I don't want to hire cops.

Nobody does.

But you don't have a choice because there are people out there starving and nobody wants to rule over a starving empire.

Fine, I'll hire some cops.

Unfortunately, they've just formed a union.

Already?

Oh, yes, because they're risking their lives every day and they feel that they deserve more pay than you're giving them.

Uh-oh, the teachers just found out about the police union.

Now they're unionizing too.

They insist that their job is as important as the police.

It's not, though.

Try telling them that, Loafetrex, the children of the future.

No, they're not.

Now the teachers aren't teaching.

The police aren't policing.

Now the farmers have heard about the teachers and the police and now they've decided to get in on the action.

And you know what they say about farmers, Loaf Trax.

They're all fucking communists.

Nobody's teaching.

Nobody's policing.

Nobody's farming.

And who in this time of chaos emerges from the wheat field Loaf Tracks.

Brotherhood of the Scythe.

The Brotherhood

of the Scythe.

They've announced that they're forming a legitimate political party.

How the hell did we get political parties?

How the hell do we ever get political parties, Loaf Tracks?

They're asking for free and fair elections.

Oh, gross.

They're asking for a neutral third party to observe the free and fair elections.

No, dude.

They are asking

for paid vacation.

Oh, God.

God.

That's right.

A planet that you thought was going to be a cash cow has now become a cow that you can't eat and can't milk.

You know what you call a cow that you can't eat and can't milk?

Nothing.

Nothing at all, Loaf Drags.

Just a big thing sitting there mooing, annoying the shit out of you.

You get all this from one planet, and you've just inherited millions of them.

Millions of planets have gone from fearing you to hating you.

You used to be the most feared person in three galaxies, and now

you're just the boss

telling everyone you can't afford Christmas bonuses this year.

And you got all this

because you won.

Amazing.

It's like he's an artist, and his canvas is misery.

Winning sucks.

It really does.

This restaurant is terrible.

Zero stars for sure.

Well,

now what am I supposed to do?

Hear me out.

See that big thing way out there?

It looks like wind chimes.

Yes.

The Teds love that thing, Loaf Trex.

It's their baby.

It's a top-secret project that they've been working on for years.

Let's blow it up.

I like blowing things up.

Who doesn't?

I say you aim one of your big guns at that thing and really give the Teds a bad day.

80-ton railgun would do the trick.

80-ton railgun?

Well, that sounds sounds like a humdinger.

Ooh, I never get to use the railgun.

I'm getting excited just talking about it.

So, if I blow that thing up, the Teds will hate it.

Oh, yes.

Like, a lot hate it?

Absolutely.

Look at you.

Me?

Let me tell you my favorite joke.

Oh, fuck.

Three beekeepers walk into a bar.

The first beekeeper says, I have 100,000 bees and 10 hives.

The second beekeeper says, that's impressive, but I have 500,000 bees and 20 hives.

They turn to the third beekeeper and ask, how many bees do you have?

Oh, me, he asks.

Well,

I have 1 million bees.

1 million bees, they say.

That is very impressive.

How many hives do you have?

And the third beekeeper says to them, I have one hive.

One hive, they say.

You have one million bees, but only one hive.

And the third beekeeper says, yeah.

Fuck them.

I

don't.

I appreciate you trying to appeal to my common sense or whatever.

That was fun.

But here's the deal.

I'm a space pirate, cupcake.

I don't give a shit.

Leif gives me the boom boom box.

This is not a negotiation.

And I'm back.

The FYI, I can keep doing this, Effie.

Oh, snail.

Ted, you can't keep this up forever.

You're right.

How about I speed things up with a boarding party?

Thoughts in the parking lot.

Seriously?

That's cheating.

Lock the doors.

X.

Yeah, I got it.

Hang on.

Aloha.

Oh my gosh.

She's got that one in a headline.

This is very enjoyable.

She's using the leg of one to beat the other ones.

I like and am also scared of her.

Okay, we're good.

What the fuck was that?

What what the fuck just happened?

Kind of hard to explain, Ted.

Suffice to say, it's important to always end your relationships responsibly so that everyone gets the closure that they need.

What?

You.

Space pirate.

Enough is enough.

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, there's a little bit of a bunch of fun!

Back it up, Lizzy Bordenbot.

You know, whatever you're pointing at me probably can't kill me.

You come come at me, and I start killing your friends.

Laif is the only one I need alive.

Lafe, am I a pretty good shot with this thing?

You're the best.

That's right.

I can even do those fancy no-look trick shots.

Wanna see?

Nobody wants to see.

We all believe you.

Hex, stand down.

I'm keeping my eye on you.

Casper, somebody has to do something.

I know, but nobody can.

Ted, we've got a problem.

I'm sorry, we.

I don't actually have a problem.

Yes, you do, Ted.

You saw what just happened to your boarding party?

That's going to happen to anyone who tries to get in here because we have a secret weapon.

Hey, boo.

Hey.

So, you can't get in here.

Love tracks won't leave.

And your two ships are just sitting out there shooting at each other.

Here we all are, Ted.

Locked up in each other's bullshit.

Nobody giving an inch.

All of us getting nowhere.

And we'll grind away like this, convincing ourselves that we're making progress, but we'll always just be right here.

Until we all stop caring all at the same time.

Are you making a personal appeal right now?

Yes.

To whom?

Me?

Do you think I have any choice in what's going on right now?

Nobody makes choices in my world, buddy.

The directives come through and we just do what we're told.

Ted, if this goes on long enough, we're just gonna jump away again.

Then it starts again.

You chasing us, us narrowly escaping.

It could go on forever.

No, it won't go on forever.

It'll go like this.

You keep running, and we are always there, around every corner, slowly grinding you down.

I don't care what kind of secret weapon you have.

You'll all fuck up eventually.

And we will pick you off one by one until it's down to just you again, Casper.

And then we'll grab you too.

And then it will just be an empty diner crisscrossing the triad.

And nobody will care.

It won't be dramatic, it'll just be another thing decided for us.

That's how this ends.

Even your malevolence is boring, Ted.

Boring, but effective.

That's how we rule the cosmos.

What did you think?

That this was some sort of final showdown?

No such thing in my world.

It all just keeps grinding on.

These guys are the fucking worst.

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Anyone have any other ideas?

Excuse me, waiter.

Looks like we're going to be here a while.

I'd like to order.

Life, can your ship get me over to the dead ship?

They'd see you coming.

But there's a cloaking device, right?

The cloaking device is optical.

They can still pick you up on scanners.

You'd get blown out of the sky.

I really don't like feeling helpless.

You wanted to learn about being human.

Helplessness is really the first lesson.

Hello.

Gloria, I'm going to go take Loop Trax's order.

Why?

Nothing is working.

Maybe being nice will work.

Sure.

Sure, okay.

We should try anything at this point.

Okay.

This is not a bad situation to be in, right?

We're essentially in a stalemate with everyone.

It beats the alternative.

Thought of having to run from the Teds for the rest of our lives sounds miserable.

Yeah.

Well,

welcome to the triad, buddy.

Excuse me, Love Trax.

What would you like?

Hey, look at this.

Baby Swatting's trying to take my order.

Every restaurant needs a gimmick.

Do they have to prune you back in the wintertime?

I don't know what that means.

I don't know what that means.

It's adorable.

Look at you.

I want to wrap a string of popcorn around you and put an angel on your head.

Can I please take your order?

All right.

Calm down there, you little Keebler tree.

What's good here?

Can't go wrong with the Monte Cristo.

Ooh, sounds good.

Two Monte Cristos, please.

Would you like coffee?

Well, sure.

I hear the coffee here is great.

Coming right up.

Should I not have ordered you a Monte Cristo?

It's not going to be too hard on your arteries, is it, old timer?

It would have been.

Most of my arteries are Gore-Tex grafts at this point.

You know, I thought you'd have some work done.

Where did you go?

Zack and that.

I hear they're great.

I thought about getting a little nip tuck here and there, but I'm already such a super tramp, right?

How do you improve on perfection?

So true.

We used to get around you and I.

You remember?

I remember.

There was that bird lady.

What was her name?

Vajolinth.

She was a lot.

I know.

You were with two Keats at the same time and didn't know it.

They all look alike.

And the one with the poofy tail.

Raven the NecoQueen.

This is disgusting.

I'm in hell.

She almost killed you, didn't she?

With a lamp?

Yeah, but you can't blame her.

She was a good person.

We just couldn't get on the same

frequency.

Uh-oh.

Did we lose him?

Grandpa, is the dementia kicking in?

Excuse me for just one second, boss.

Okay, come back soon.

When I get bored, I kill things.

Shale?

Yes.

Why am I smelling a scheme on you right now?

It's going to be fine.

Are you having a good time yucking it up with the pirate holding us all hostage?

Sorry.

Am I impeding the incredible progress you're all making on our predicament?

You're not wrong.

Here's your coffee loaf track.

Thanks.

Oh, Todd and Ball.

Hey, Doc, mind if I have a seat?

Sure.

Good to see you again.

Are you making small talk with me?

While we're caught in the middle of a deep space naval battle?

I'm shopping around for a theory.

Is it a theory that can get us out of this mess?

I'm talking to my friend here.

Jesus Christ.

Don't try and talk physics with me, Leif.

You always embarrass yourself.

Time crystals.

They can't be the power source for that thing out there.

No, they can't.

Why is that, Leaf?

Because you can't gain any new energy from a time crystal.

That's right.

And why is that?

Because then you would be creating new energy.

And you can't create new energy in the universe.

You can only move it from one place to another.

In a universe set to infinity, you can't add to infinity.

Making infinity, in its way,

finite.

Well, look who's still sucking in oxygen.

Why are we talking about this?

I think I have...

Unfortunately...

Figured it out.

Love tracks?

You're hovering there, Miracle Goro.

I don't like it when people hover.

Love tracks.

That big gun that Leaf was talking about, I need you to point it at the other other big thing out there, just like Casper said.

Oh, is that what you need?

Yes.

And what makes you think that I'm going to?

Because I just poisoned you.

What?

What?

What?

What the fuck did you just say to me?

I just poisoned you.

Your coffee was poisoned.

Oh, my God.

Poisoned with

what?

With me!

I'm poisonous.

What?

What?

Seriously?

At the bottom of your coffee cup, you'll see a small piece of my outer carapace.

It's poisonous.

I feel fine.

Are you sure you're sweating a lot?

Shut up, I am not.

You actually are, boss.

Everybody, shut up.

Numbness will start in your extremities and slowly move to your heart or heart, depending.

How are your hands feeling?

You little mulch pellet!

Don't overexert yourself.

You're just going to speed up the poison.

There's no way this hurts me.

My liver is the size of a javelina.

It can kill something the size of that ship in the parking lot.

You don't have a lot of time.

You have to do what I say.

Dark fucking horse.

I'm gonna kill you!

Oh, fuck!

Shell, get behind me!

Everybody out of the way, it's time for some herbicides!

If you shoot me, you won't get the antidote.

Shell, what the fuck?

I'm sorry.

Somebody had to do something.

Okay, fine.

Everybody does this.

Come here.

Oh!

Now, stay there.

Off me, you titanium hooker.

Don't test me.

I'll pop off your arms like a Ken doll.

Who the fuck are you, people?

We run a dying.

Shell!

Trust me, okay?

Only a couple of minutes left, Loaf Tracks.

I hope you get eaten by beavers, you little shrub demon.

What is it called?

80-ton railgun.

Point your 80-ton railgun at the big thing out there.

It's the only way you live.

Fine.

Antidote first.

Nope.

Fine.

How do they talk to the ship?

Communicator.

Right front pocket.

Okay.

Loof tracks, do I have permission to reach into your pocket?

I'm going to chop you up and put you in my closet to repel moths.

Taking that as a yes.

Okay.

Talk.

Ryan Abby.

Point the railgun at that big thing out there and fire.

I don't care.

Just do it.

There.

Now give me the fucking antidote.

Okay.

Don't let them up, okay?

They're not going anywhere.

I'm Shell, by the way.

I'm X.

It's nice to meet you.

I'm sorry everyone was so rude to you earlier.

You know, it's a lot of old business.

Sorry.

Gloria, I need your help making the antidote.

Fine.

I am rearranging my opinion of this strange lady, dear.

I do feel much safer.

Thanks, guys.

Don't push it, though.

Oh, whatever.

Get a really sharp knife.

What am I doing with it?

Just get it.

Okay.

Seriously, Shell, poisonous?

Sorry.

I wanted you all to like me.

We all like Casper.

He's emotionally poisonous.

Okay.

I have a knife.

What now?

I need you to cut it into me a little bit.

I don't want to do that.

It's okay.

Isn't that going to hurt you?

Of course it's going to hurt me.

You're cutting into me.

I don't want to hurt you.

Not too deep.

See on my side here, the skin is like bark, right?

I need you to pry it open a little.

Oh, God.

It'll heal.

It's like Proverbs 27, right, Seb?

Wounds from a sincere friend are better than kisses from an enemy.

That's right, Chef.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, okay.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

What do I do now?

See that white fuzzy stuff?

Yeah.

That's it.

Grab a little bit.

Okay, I've got it.

Okay.

You can take the knife out.

Okay, I'm taking it out.

I'm sorry again.

It's okay.

What now?

Love Trexis, eat it.

Give me it.

Okay.

Don't let them up.

I won't.

Open your mouth.

Ow.

Ooh!

That tastes like ashtray water.

Keep chewing.

Lafe, make sure the pirate ship is doing what it's supposed to.

Let's watch some fucking fireworks, y'all.

Everyone outside.

Bring the pirate outside.

Up we go.

Ow!

Hey!

Can I have my gun back?

Absolutely not.

Come on, Muckle Waynes.

We might actually be out of the woods.

That was quite a brave thing you did, Shell.

I know, right?

It was kind of biblical, huh?

A wound in my side and everything.

You don't look happy.

No!

Tell me.

The reason it looks like wind chimes is because it's constantly borrowing and giving back energy from different vibrational states.

It creates a current from energy flowing back and forth between several universes at once.

And that energy flows through the time crystals, creating a field across three galaxies.

Somehow.

But here's the kicker.

If your particles aren't vibrating at the same time frequency as the wind chimes, you can't interact with it.

It'll be like a ghost.

Nothing can touch it.

The railgun is going to shoot straight through it like it's not even there.

Correct.

Why didn't you say anything?

What if I'm wrong?

You're not wrong.

No, I'm not.

So...

We're screwed.

It's good to see you again, Doc.

You know,

I've seen a lot of things.

Never saw a man crawl across three galaxies just to say he's sorry.

For what it's worth.

Leave?

Where are you going?

Showtime.

Targeting engage loading our one.

See it there?

You can see it turning.

Jesus, it's the size of the Brooklyn Bridge.

That's going to shoot something?

Superheated plasma, void torpedoes, purple nullifiers, they're all great.

But in the end, nothing comes close to a huge rail launching an 80-ton hunk of metal at something else.

Shouldn't they be shooting that at the tent?

Too slow.

You can't shoot it at something that can get out of the way.

It's a city killer.

You've really kept the worst company.

You know that?

Hey, he's gotten better.

Here we go.

Eat shit, Teds.

Launching in three, two,

one.

Projectile alignment.

Come on, come on.

Oh, no.

Why isn't anything happening?

Did you fucking idiots miss?

No, boss.

Targeting was right on.

Projectile, pass right through it.

Pass through it.

How's that possible?

We can't touch it.

What?

Why?

Hey, guys.

What you up to?

Did you somehow get Loof Trax to fire their railgun at my wind chimes?

How'd it go?

Are you winning the battle?

It cycles between vibrational states.

We can't touch it because it only exists in our universe in random intervals.

That's impossible.

That's how it generates energy.

Do the math, Leef.

This place sucks.

Fuck you, people and your math.

Ryan Abby, be me the fuck up and let's get out of here.

I hate this place.

Let's go pillage something.

Were you going to tell us?

I didn't know.

Even older Leaf just told me.

Pirate ship is leaving.

There goes our cover.

Hey, Casper, quick question.

Was trying to work with pirates your worst idea yet, or was it just maybe top five?

Well, at least we'll be reunited once again, old pet.

I'm going to freeze you in a block of ice and put you in my quarters like a taxi-dermied elk, you fucking chimp.

Prepare to be boarded, midnight burger.

I'm going to eat all your bots alive, Ted.

Yeah, I don't know who you are, lady, but there's one of you, and I've got five hundred bots.

Let's see what happens.

Where's Leif?

Where is he going?

Is he leaving us?

No.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,

I'm on the fence.

Hell, why not do both?

Who is this?

This is Laif.

Lafe?

What are you doing?

Well, then who the fuck is that?

That's also Lafe.

Oh, my God, whatever.

I am so sick of this shit.

Whoever you are, surrender your vessel or be destroyed.

Sorry, pal.

I've got a date with your contraption out there.

Oh, this is heroism?

That's adorable.

Buddy, didn't you just watch an 80-ton projectile pass through my contraption?

Nothing's untouchable, tediots.

Especially not to a guy who knows how to get his drive core to mimic a vibrational pattern.

Wait, what?

Let's pause while I analyze your vibrational oscillations and you slowly realize how I'm about to blow your shit up.

Lafe, what are you doing?

You know what I'm doing?

Oscillations like that are going to irradiate your entire shit.

What is he doing?

Lafe.

This isn't the way.

We can figure something else out.

come.

Shoot him down.

Shoot him down right now.

Not very good at shooting small targets, are you?

Fire

everything.

Are we firing everything?

Sure could use a prayer right now, Muckle Waynes.

Ephesians, dear.

Take my hand.

Put on the whole armor of God that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness in this world,

against spiritual wickedness in high places.

What the hell's happening?

What is that music?

Why aren't we firing?

Whoa!

Would you look at that?

The path is clear, old man.

Godspeed.

I'll be damned.

Saved by the power of Jesus.

How's that for fucking irony?

Leaf, what is he doing?

He's going to ram it.

I thought we couldn't touch it.

He's overcharging his core and using the excess energy to alter his vibrational pattern.

If he matches the vibrational pattern of the wind chimes,

then it's just as vulnerable as anything else.

It's brilliant.

Leif, we could have talked about this.

No time, Buster.

Listen close.

This is going to be your speech someday.

I am Laif.

I live forever in every moment I've existed.

I swear to every star in the cosmos,

I never forgot it was a gift.

Not for one second.

He saved us.

We're free.

Lafe.

Are you okay?

Debris field.

What?

Debris field.

There's going to be a debris field.

Everybody needs to get inside right now.

Okay, let's go, everybody.

Inside, what's happening?

We need to get to a safe place.

Be safe in here.

I know the diner's been through a lot, but everybody get under a booth just to be safe.

I don't know what's coming at us right now.

Shell, under here.

Okay, we'll be fine.

We'll be fine.

Wraith, you two get down.

Yeah, okay.

Hi.

Hi.

happy finger.

Midnight Burger is made possible in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters: Wilson, Billy, Burkbert, Bethany, The Arts Sherpa, Lucrezia, The Waiting Pool Pirates, Mel Momberg, Rogue, Justine Burbank, Edgy Steve, Thomas Stolen, Michael Christian, Tavrock Stormbringer, Gen C, Leia B, Onyx Rose, Marissa, Aaron Mitchell, Raven the NecoQueen, Kelly Jane Danky, Melvis Gray Mystery, Om Vega, Codex Typo, Ang Velasquez, Ruth McCormick, Stuck in Derplahoma, Dancing Dog Dreams, Dreams, Diodand, Menlor, Tracy, Calibri, Hippo, Maloran, Mrun Mai Selil, Kara, Late Indeed Again, Ian Herzler, Mother of Thor, Special K, Ryan Abbey, Sarah Bergenholtz, Will Goliou, Zacky Nat, Nea, Anna, Ben and Jessica, Levi, Dalek Steve, Darcy D, and Existentially Exhausted Bean.

Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all.

Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember we're out there somewhere looking for you.

We open at six.

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