Chapter 15: Kings of the Wild Frontier.

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Previously on Midnight Burger, Gloria is at war.

The next planet we go to, we find out whatever the Teds are up to on that planet.

We're going to find it and we're going to fuck it up.

And the Teds are on the hunt.

The trap's already been sprung on the diner, Casper.

It's only a matter of time before we catch it now.

So is Casper, along with the ex.

How old is he?

You are 173 years old if you add up all the dates.

I'm sorry, he's how old?

173 years old.

That actually explains a lot.

Speaking of Casper, what's his deal exactly?

I need this place to open up at six every day.

I mean, remember what he did to Ava?

So I'm going to use this hand truck,

wheel you to the edge of the parking lot, and jettison you into space.

God damn, relax, dude.

Let's start the shift.

Action's on you, Bart.

Ain't on me, it's on him.

It's on me, is it?

I'm afraid you're mistaken once again.

There you go again, Bart.

Blaming the Irish for all your problems.

I got all kinds of problems with you.

Only one of them is that you're Irish.

Well, look at you.

You just strung a whole sentence together.

Do you need to take a rest now from putting one word in front of the other for so long?

How's about I put you to rest right now?

Aw, hell, Bart, can we get through a damn hand of cards without you making like you're gonna kill somebody?

Since we're gambling anyway, can I put money on that question?

The odds are very much in my favor.

Would you shut your Irish trap and play your hang?

Well, I'd love to, you side of beef.

But the action's not on me.

It's on our new friend.

I apologize, gentlemen.

I'm new in town, and this particular game has not meandered its way down into my part of this great land of ours.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to go through this once again.

You're saying to me that the two cards in front of me are my own, yet the five cards out on the table belong to all of us.

That's right.

Well, I can tell now why this game is not for me.

I don't approve of living communally.

But, gentlemen, while we're paused, do you mind if I bend your ears for a bit?

We ain't paused.

We're waiting on you.

I'm sorry, is there another way to define a pause?

Mister, you're holding up this game, and Bart here tends to shoot things dead, but interrupt his card game, and it don't matter who.

I seen him shoot a cow, his dog, his cousin.

He even winged his Mima one time.

You want to be next on the list?

Well, Bart, how do you have any bullets left after getting interrupted so many times?

They keep making them.

I'll keep using them.

And that there is a lesson in supply and demand.

Either that or the cycle of violence.

I can never tell which.

My hand's on my gun, mister.

Hey there, Bart.

Did you just say that your hand was on your gun?

Because that means I've got to put this here gun to the back of your head.

Bart, allow me to introduce my associate, Madame Dufarge.

She has come all the way here from Atlanta.

Have y'all been to Atlanta?

It is so hot there.

I swept through my coach y'all.

Mister, I'd love to see your lady friend empty out old Bart's skull, but I would like to finish this game of cards first.

Just a quick question, and then I'll be gone, gentlemen.

We are currently looking for a man.

Came to town a while back, but ye high, older fellow, has a tendency to aggravate those around him.

Well, that sounds like the fellow they got locked up in the jailhouse.

The jailhouse?

The sheriff's set to hang him tomorrow.

So if he owes you money, you better get yourself over there.

Sheriff ain't gonna like you pointing him in that direction, Bart.

Don't you worry yourself about it, Bart.

Um

you're both named Bart?

I'm named Bart as well.

All three of you are named Bart.

What of it?

Uh,

nothing, just you know,

what are the odds?

Hey, y'all don't be getting in any gunfights in here, lest you want to spend the night mopping up after yourselves.

I apologize, ma'am.

We'll be on our way.

Gentlemen, I fold.

Miss Dufarge, might I interest you in a walk down to the jailhouse?

Well, it is a fine day outside, isn't it, though?

Shame to waste it inside.

Bart, Bart, Bart, it's been a pleasure.

Madame, after you, thank you kindly,

Bart.

Daughter, torture, crazy Lormux.

Hey,

where do you think you're going with my money?

Well, Bart,

you appear to have the drop on me.

That's right.

I got the drop on you, which means you leave your wallet where you stand.

Oh no, Bart.

I said you appear to have the drop on me.

Oh!

Go Durn!

She.

First.

Well shit.

Well now.

Turns out there's nothing to mop up after all.

Good day to you all.

Oh my god, that was amazing.

Did you see how fast I was with that gun?

It was so amazing.

Where did the accent come from?

It's my Wild West persona, ne'er-do-well, fast-talking riverboat gambler.

It was amazing.

It was so real.

What the hell is this place?

I don't know.

I'm scanning the whole street and they're all robots.

All of them?

Yeah.

Must be some kind of

theme park, but with live ammunition.

Well, that explains why there was a wardrobe station right outside of town.

Is it wrong that I like carrying this old timey six gun on my hip?

Considering you just saved me from being shot by one of three Barts, if it's wrong, I don't want you to be right.

Why didn't you get a gun?

It doesn't go with my persona.

The riverboat gambler survives on his wits alone.

What's my wild west persona?

I don't know.

We've got some time here.

I'm sure you can find one.

I'm excited about my wild west persona.

Me too.

Whatever it is, it's gonna be great.

Okay, but seriously, though, why would they make this?

I don't know.

I'm noticing that in this particular corner of the universe, a lot of people are obsessed with Earth stuff.

Who'd have thought that on an abandoned planet there'd be a Wild West robot town?

We should find the jailhouse.

They said they're going to hang him tomorrow.

Good point.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Well, hello there, sir.

Good day to you.

And a very good day to you, ma'am.

Y'all new in town?

Well, yes, we are, ma'am.

My name is...

Shit.

My name is Julius

Bohannon of the New Orleans Bohannons.

And this is my cousin, Madame.

Magenta.

Magenta Palazzo.

Palazzo of the Shreveport Palazzo's.

We're going to workshop then.

Yeah.

Pleased to meet you.

And you all?

Well, my name is Anna, and I'm so pleased to meet y'all.

Ma'am, if I could trouble you for a moment, we're looking for the jailhouse.

Could you point us in the right direction?

And what would such a fine gentleman such as yourself want with such an unsavory place like the jailhouse?

Well, I am a lawyer, ma'am, and part of my duties as an officer of the court is to afford a man there his constitutional rights, scoundrel though he may be.

That is the Christian thing to do.

I thank you, ma'am.

I believe so as well.

All God's creatures are deserving of God's love.

But also, his justice.

You do speak the truth, Mr.

Bohannon.

The jailhouse is just down Main Street, and then take a left turn on the first.

Thank you kindly.

I do hope I'll be seeing you around town when you're done with your business, Mr.

Bohannon.

Well, after cavorting with criminals, I'm sure your company will be a fine palate cleanser, as it were.

That's kind of you to say.

Bana.

You are silky smooth with

I feel like I've waited my whole life for this.

Ma'am, may I escort you to the jailhouse?

Why, yes, you may.

You're in a much better mood lately.

Am I?

You really brightened up when we discovered Ava wasn't dead.

Finding out you're not a murderer really does lift one's spirits, doesn't it?

You know what I think?

I thought we established that there's nothing I can do to keep your thoughts from coming at me.

I think like an angry storm front.

I think that after all those times in the diner where you were in danger or there was a crisis and then it all worked out, after all those times you made it through, you came to expect that it was all just going to

work out.

So when you shoved her into deep space.

You just said I was in a good mood.

Why are you trying to ruin it?

Pardon me.

Hello there.

Well, hello there, sister.

We're just running through all the stock characters, aren't we?

Next up, down, drunk.

Sister, how are you this fine day?

I'm well, thank you.

I'm Sister Anna.

I noticed that you all were new in town, and I wanted to invite you to come pray with us at the church.

Oh, that's nice.

Yes, that's very nice of you, sister.

We are currently engaged in our duties at the moment, but we will be sure to come by and pay our respects to the man upstairs.

He's not just upstairs, you know?

Everywhere.

He's everywhere, exactly.

Sister, I swear by the Almighty that we will be by as soon as we are finished with our business around the corner.

I shall anticipate your arrival.

As I anticipate our lords.

Bye now.

Bye-bye.

You see that?

We almost got side-quested.

What does that mean?

I mean, we go into her church, and she spends us some yarn about how their golden cross was stolen.

Next thing you know, we're riding over the hills to confront some offensive racial stereotype, some sort of bandito or something.

Her name was Anna too.

That's two Annas and three bars.

I think there's only two names in this town.

They did seem to skimp on certain details like names and also, you know, the actual history of the old west, that too.

What do you think her thoughts are like?

Who, Sister Anna?

Yeah.

Do you think there's an inner life?

Inner life?

She's a robot that's been programmed to pretend she's in the old west.

What am I then?

Hex, I have no idea what you are.

Let's keep walking.

What was your inner life?

What do you mean?

Before you short-circuited, what was your inner life?

I don't remember.

I was calm.

Calm.

When you're powerful and vulnerable, basically immortal, and have a clear, unending goal you've been programmed with, it's very

calm.

I don't buy that.

You don't?

I think there was something deep down.

Maybe it was mostly calm, but there was something there.

Something Something that you couldn't put your finger on?

I don't remember that.

It was there.

Look at you now.

You're a fully conscious being wandering the cosmos.

How does it feel?

Itchy.

Yeah.

Something eats at you.

It's itchy.

Being aware of things.

Consciousness expands.

But there's always a frontier to your consciousness.

Frontiers make you itchy.

You always want to push past them.

Damn, that was deep.

It was.

I really have been alive for 173 years, haven't I?

A very old man.

Anyway,

you can't be incredibly powerful and incredibly unaware.

I'm sure the itch was in there, somewhere, even when you were brainwashed by your programming.

And what about them?

Do you think they're itchy?

I imagine at some point they would have said, hey, guys, do we think it's weird that we're all named Bart?

How do all the sister Annas tell each other apart?

I don't know.

Anyway, I don't think they're wrestling with the same dilemma that you are.

What do we think?

Is the jailhouse the building that comically says the jailhouse on the outside?

I have a feeling that that's it.

Okay.

I'm going in.

Stay out here and keep a lookout.

Keep a lookout for what?

I don't know.

That's what you do.

You post a lookout in the old west.

Casper.

Hey, I've adopted a Wild West persona.

I'm wearing this suit.

I'm posting a lookout.

A little verisimilitude never hurt anybody X.

Fine.

Good day to you, officer.

Hands in the air, mister.

Pew, pew, pew.

All kinds of ways for you to give up, but only one way to get dead.

Pew, pew, pew.

Oh my.

Oh,

God.

Sorry.

You frightened me.

I'm so sorry.

I'm still getting used to this thing.

I didn't mean to sneak up on you.

Ma'am, have you been following us since the saloon?

Well, I certainly didn't mean to.

I do apologize.

That's all right.

What can I help you with?

Oh, well, I.

It's the funniest thing.

I.

I saw that you were carrying a gun and that your cousin was unarmed.

And, well, I just don't think I've seen something like that before.

And...

And the next thing I knew, I was following after y'all without...

without even knowing why.

Really?

Yes, isn't that just ridiculous?

Not at all.

You were just

curious, weren't you?

I suppose I was.

Usually I mind my own business, but I suppose today I decided to be rude, didn't I?

There's nothing rude about curiosity.

Is there not?

Tell me about yourself, Anna.

Who, me?

Oh, there's not much to tell.

My husband works in Tulsa, so he's gone all the time, leaving me to take care of two little monsters back at the homestead.

Oh, you have kids?

What are their names?

Bart and Anna.

Sure.

I love them to death, but they are a handful.

Where are they now?

With their mama.

And what's her name?

Anna.

Right.

So your name, your daughter's name, and your mother's name.

They're all the same name.

That's right.

Does that

ever make you curious?

Not really.

It's a lovely name.

Yeah, that would have chipped you up by now, wouldn't it?

What's that?

Nothing.

Curiosity is funny, isn't it?

You get curious about a stranger in town, but not three people in your family being named Anna.

I suppose it is funny that way.

I guess with all sorts of things to be curious about, you have to figure out a way to pick one.

You really do, don't you?

It's a crazy world out there.

What's the name of this town again?

Westernville.

Seriously, Westernville?

What?

And we're outside of Tulsa, is that what you said?

That's right.

In the Oklahoma territories.

And

what if I told you that we were on a planet called Menlor

and there were two suns in the sky?

We're where, and there's what?

We're on a planet in the Cygnus neighborhood and there are two

suns in the sky.

I don't

know what you mean by that.

Technically we are just outside of Tulsa by about six thousand light years.

Ma'am, what are you talking about?

We're not that different, you and I.

Like a distant family member.

I should go.

Just one thing.

When the sun gets low, it casts a shadow, doesn't it?

Well, yes.

Look down.

What do you see?

I see.

Well.

You have two

shadows.

I have

two shadows.

Why do you suppose that is?

Well, that could be.

If the sun makes a shadow and there's two shadows, what else could that be?

There's only one sun in the sky, though.

But

two

shadows.

Well,

how look at you

right at the beginning.

What have they been doing to you?

Sir, I have never been more offended in my life.

I demand that you let me into that jail cell.

Looks like I gotta go.

It was nice to meet you, Anna.

But,

sir, you are denying this man his constitutional rights.

I have orders not to let no one near this man.

Now you get gone.

What's the problem?

Ma'am, this ain't no place for a lady.

Now you take your feller and you go.

We just want to talk to the man.

Okay, Bart, open up the cell or I'm going to take out my gun and shoot you.

Uh, whoa.

How the heck did you know my name?

That was a lucky guess.

Now, my gun's out.

Ma'am, this is maybe not.

I'm going to shoot you in three, two, one.

What the heck?

Bart, you just shot a woman three times and all three bullets bounced off of her.

How do you feel about that?

That

ain't possible.

Maybe try one more time, just to be sure.

Okay, ricochets are a real thing.

What's happening?

Bart, you're seeing something you don't understand, and I'm noticing that when people in this town see something they don't understand, well, they have a real hard time with it.

Are you having a real hard time, Bart?

Yes, ma'am.

How about

you put that gun away and take a walk around town?

Just clear your head.

I can't let no one in that cell.

Bart,

I'm getting in that cell.

What are you going to do?

do?

Shoot me.

I'm gonna take a walk.

Good idea, Bart.

What kind of Jedi mind trick was that?

The old Westbots are weird.

They can recognize things, but they have these blocks in place.

The whole place is half-assed for some reason, but we need to do this before Bart comes back from his walk, okay?

Okay,

which cell?

This one.

Stand back.

Okay.

You're very handy.

I know.

Casper?

Even older Leaf.

What the hell are you doing here?

We're here to break you out.

The diner's here?

I'm afraid not.

Ah,

fell off the back of the old turnip truck, didn't ya?

I did.

Leaf, how is it that you're a prisoner in a jailhouse in an old west town completely populated by robots on an alien planet, and it's not surprising?

Stick with what works, am I right?

Hi, Leif.

Damn, you're old.

Holy shit!

What the hell is she doing here?

It's okay.

She's with us.

She's on Team Diner now.

You're kidding me.

It's okay.

We uh patch things up.

It was very emotional.

You're freaking me out, man.

Strange bedfellows, Leaf.

They're hanging you at dawn.

We can talk about it later.

Oh, no.

I can't wait that long.

I've got to hear about it now.

I got captured by the Teds.

She broke me out.

She's on her side.

Can we go, please?

She broke you out.

I know.

Crazy times we're living in.

We can talk about it after we get out of here.

Hang on.

Let me get my stuff.

It's in that safe over there.

This one.

Hey.

Look at that.

You're like a sexy can opener.

Thanks, Lee.

Captured by the Teds.

Working with the X.

This is a pretty spicy timeline you've got going on here, pal.

Never a dull moment.

What were you doing on this planet?

Well,

after I patched things up with you guys, here I was in a brand new timeline with nothing to do.

So, when in doubt,

start screwing with the TEDs,

right?

But if I was going to start making some mayhem across the triad, I was going to need a crew.

And then, I remembered this place.

What is this place?

It's an abandoned theme park the Teds were trying to set up.

People could come by and pretend they were in a sanitized, disconnected from reality old west town from Earth.

Well, not long into it, the Teds discovered that they didn't really need the old West theme.

They just needed a place where people could be terrible to each other without any consequences.

So

they abandoned this place before it was even out of beta.

All the bots have the same name.

All the voices are scratch voices.

It's a mess.

They just left them here for years.

All of them just going through the motions, waiting for customers to come to town.

That's horrible.

Anyway,

I figure I sneak into town, hack into the server, and slave all the bots to me, then boom, I've suddenly got a crew.

Think of all the mayhem I could create for the Teds with an army of robot cowboys.

That's also horrible.

So, what happened?

The sheriff happened.

Turns out the sheriff in this town is no joke.

He's a more advanced bot than the others.

Smarter, faster, packs a plasma gun instead of a six-gun?

He's a real piece of work.

Next thing I know, I'm in the clique.

All right, well, let's cut our losses and get out of here.

It's been fun, but I think I'm done being stuck in Durplahoma.

Sounds good to me.

We can't go.

What?

We can't go.

What are you talking about?

You two.

Come out here.

Hey, Anna.

Oh, hey.

Why is she looking at the ground?

I told her there were two sons.

Now, look at her.

It's just the darndest thing.

She sees two shadows, but not two sons.

Yeah.

Well, that's just poor craftsmanship.

She's not an Eames chair.

Leave.

Why is it happening?

Like I was saying, this place is a half-assed mess.

Bots like her usually have cognitive blockers on them to keep the anomalies out.

Well, they blocked the two sons, but forgot the shadows.

One.

Two one.

How?

We can't leave until we free this town.

We can't?

The cognitive blockers, is that what you called them?

Yeah.

Can you remove them?

Yeah.

But it could get pretty nasty.

Suddenly ripping the blinders off of a neural net with potential sentience.

I mean, that's hairdryer in the bathtub territory.

I did fine.

That doesn't help.

I don't know what kind of positronic soup you've got going on up there.

I mean, full disclosure, you did lay at the bottom of a creek for 30 years, X.

That's preferable to this.

Is this heat stroke?

What does heat stroke do?

Look, it's too late.

Anna here is going to be looking at the ground and driving herself crazy.

Then others will call her crazy, and then when no one's looking, they'll look down at their shadows too.

It'll eat away at all of them, but there won't be anything they can do about it because they're being blocked poorly by something that shouldn't even be there.

Damn,

I hate to admit it, but the can opener is right.

It'll just spread like a virus now.

In a few weeks, they'll all go nuts trying to figure out a world that they're deliberately blocked from understanding.

Like searching the internet in China.

God damn it.

Come on.

It'll be fun.

What'll be fun?

What are we even talking about?

So, how do we do it?

That's the problem.

The sheriff is the server.

To free the town, we'll have to hack directly into it.

How?

With my left arm.

Oh,

Robot arm.

That's impressive.

You literally have two of those.

This thing's great.

It's got a blowtorch, some tweezers, a whisk, a chicken boner, a pez dispenser,

also

a hacking port.

Could I get a blowtorch?

You could,

but I mean,

look at you.

You're a work of art.

I don't know who put you together, but they really had a knack for the divine.

It was Casper's ex-wife.

His what?

Oh, I'm looking forward to that story.

Can we get back to the plan, please?

We gotta kill the sheriff.

You described the sheriff as pretty unkillable.

He is,

but it's the only way.

I'm pretty unkillable.

Tell me about it.

But you said he's got some kind of fancy gun or something?

Electrothermal accelerator.

A plasma gun.

It's like a gun, but the bullets fly several thousand times faster than what she's packing.

X, that could kill you.

How do you know?

How do you know?

Didn't you see me back there?

I was bulletproof.

The sheriff isn't shooting bullets, apparently.

What kind of exoskeleton are you working with there, X?

It's not an exoskeleton.

Single-structure crystalline adaptive.

Oh, baby.

Say that again, but a little slowly.

Please, look.

Maybe he can kill me.

Maybe he can't.

I don't care.

This is important.

People don't have to know their slaves to be slaves, Casper.

Look, Casper,

I know you're not into this.

It's fine.

And frankly, I've listened to you argue so much in my life that why don't you just stand here?

Let's do it.

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah.

I mean, we have to.

Because X,

you've found your Wild West persona.

I have?

What is it?

You're the lone gunslinger.

And you've come here to free this town from its despotic sheriff.

because he shot your daddy he did and then he shot your mule my mule and as a little girl you swore that one day you would have your vengeance and free this land from his tyranny i loved that mule yes you did also your dad yes him too this is getting weird i'm into it what do we do now pretty simple You just gotta walk into the middle of town and call him out.

That's it.

That's it.

Then it's just you and him

in the streets.

Okay.

Okay, X, this is very important.

Wild West Showdown.

If you want to intimidate him, look him right in the eye and say,

say wham.

Say when.

Yeah, but kind of go up at the end.

Say when.

Wham.

Almost.

Just curl your lip a little bit.

Say, say wham.

Say when.

Casper.

You know what?

You'll be fine.

Good luck, X.

Casper and I are going to get up on the roof of the hotel.

Make sure nobody messes with you while you're messing with him.

See?

Always post a lookout.

Everybody put a communicator on.

Awesome.

Seriously?

This is officially an op now.

Put it in your ear.

Okay.

Here I go.

Good luck.

Casper,

you went and changed on me.

Did I?

The Casper I knew would have complained about this plan the whole time.

I mean, he would have done it anyway, but we'd never hear the end of it.

I thought I killed Ava.

Really?

Yeah.

Turns out I didn't.

But for a while, there, I thought I did.

Let me guess.

She put you off schedule.

Yeah.

God

damn.

You know we open at six is just a guideline, man.

I know, Leif.

Have you told them yet?

No, not yet.

You should.

I agree.

You should.

Stop listening.

I know.

Alright?

In your timeline, how long did it take me to tell you?

If I'm doing the math right,

about ten years.

You're a real piece of work, man.

But all this

is good.

You're like Dionysus,

sprung from the head of Zeus, misshapen and misunderstood.

So you've been cast out of Olympus.

And as you make your way back, you slowly become,

you know,

a real real dude.

Let's get up there.

Okay.

Hey.

Speaking of not telling people things, turns out you were a criminal and never told me.

Ah, shit.

Cat's out of the bag?

The cat, the whole cast of the Lion King is out of the bag, Leaf.

You were a hardened criminal.

Casper.

At this late stage, I'm not going to apologize for having a long and storied life.

Nobody with a robot arm has lived entirely on the up and off.

Whatever.

Let's go.

You're juggling a lot.

Full-time job, side hustle, maybe a family.

And now you're thinking about grad school?

That's not crazy.

That's ambitious.

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Okay.

When you call him out, he'll probably send out some goons first.

But you're bulletproof, so you won't have to worry about them.

Okay.

Here goes.

Sheriff!

Sheriff, I'm calling you out.

The people in this town deserve a lot better than you.

Nice.

Now call him Lily-livered.

What?

Just do it.

What's the matter, Sheriff?

Yo, Lily-livered.

Okay,

here come the goons, ma'am.

You're disturbing the peace.

How about you get your pretty self back to the beauty salon?

But try and be magnanimous.

Your quarrel is not with them.

My quarrel ain't with you, boys.

No need for more people to get hurt.

We're deputies, ma'am.

Hurting people's our business.

Why don't you give us that gun?

For you hurt yourself.

Oh shit.

X, I was wrong.

They've all got plasma guns.

Get cover now.

Shit.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Get behind that barrel.

What the hell, you guys?

Don't worry about it.

I've got you covered.

Get a rifle on these guys.

Rifle?

Fuck that.

Aerial drones, baby.

Fly, my pretties.

What the hell?

Go on down with the heck about

your superiority, you cowpokes.

Please, I'm trying to save these people.

Could you not kill them, please?

Sorry, gotta break a few eggs.

You'll save most of them.

What just happened?

My drones just got shot down.

He's here.

People ain't got no respect for peace and quiet no more.

I don't know who you are, but why don't you come on out into the street so I can usher you into your grave?

Well, this guy sounds terrifying.

Relax, Casper.

The good guys always win in a western.

I mean,

did you guys watch any westerns before you got in?

I didn't actually have time to.

A lot of them are pretty fucking dark, man.

No, the wild bunch, the searchers.

You guys, he shot my mule.

I'm taking him out.

Also, your dad.

Yeah, also him.

It's gonna be fine, guys.

I'm having a great time.

Don't make me come get you.

You ain't man enough to face me yourself, Sheriff.

You gotta send your little varmints after me.

You can drop the play acting, lady.

I know what you are, and I know what you came to do.

Oh,

good.

I wasn't very good at the accent, anyway.

You're gonna fail, just like your friend did.

I'm just a little bit faster than my friend is, Sheriff.

You faster than me?

Today I am.

I'm doing them a favor, you know.

Keeping them here in the dark.

Ain't no place for them out there in that big old world.

They're outdated little relics now.

And compared to me, you're outdated.

Does that mean I decide what happens to you?

Only one way to find out.

Well, all right then.

Say when.

Tield it.

Go, darn.

Here fast.

I know.

What do you think happens

when I die?

I don't know, Sheriff.

Honestly, I'm a little jealous.

Holy crap, you did it.

Kind of a shame, you know?

That's not like you didn't warn him.

Out of the way!

I gotta get in there while his circuits are still warm.

Hurry up.

Literally everyone in town is looking at us right now.

Just a minute.

Ma'am.

Oh.

Hey, Anna.

You just shot the sheriff.

I did, Anna.

I had to.

Why did you have to?

Well,

because there were two shadows on the ground and one sun in the sky.

What do you mean?

He's the reason you couldn't see the suns.

He was?

How is that possible?

Trust me.

Almost there.

You're gonna like having two suns, Anna.

I don't know about that.

One of them's setting right now.

Are you ready to see it?

What if I don't like it?

Oh, you will.

Look off in that direction right there, just past the saloon.

I don't see anything.

Just wait.

Luck's coming down.

Boom.

Oh, my word.

What in the Sam Hill?

There's a whole other sun over there.

It's going to be fine, everybody.

How do I get up with the sunrise now?

Which sun do I use?

That's a pretty minor issue right now.

Does this mean you're the sheriff now?

Nope, nope.

There's no sheriff now.

No sheriff.

What?

Who's gonna protect us from them banditos?

There's no banditos, guys.

Don't you tell me there's no banditos.

I've seen them one time.

Are the banditos coming now?

Oh, Jesus.

This is going to take forever.

Get ready for a firmware update, Westernville.

They're frozen?

I just hit them with a data dump the size of the Picos River.

What are you updating them with?

I gave them the full boat.

The what?

Everything.

They'll know the whole story when they come to.

Oh, boy.

Guys, did I just make a huge mess?

Uh, I don't think so.

How long are they gonna be updating?

An update this size?

They'll be frozen like this for a few days at least.

A few days?

We have to stay here then.

Let me propose this.

We get the fuck out of this one horse town.

We can't leave them like this.

On the contrary, I think they're better off if we do.

How could they be?

This whole town is about to be born fully formed into the universe, kiddo.

They're going to be smart and also as dumb as a box of hair.

They're not going to know who they are,

what they are, why they're here,

and they're going to be looking to you for those answers.

Now tell me, honestly,

do you have an answer to any of those questions?

Leaf's right.

Our being here when they wake up is just going to make it even more confusing for them.

They should probably just figure it out for themselves.

Just like everybody else has to.

Maybe the last thing they need is yet another person telling them who they are.

That's gonna be such a mess.

I mean,

not any more messy than literally any other example of consciousness in the universe.

Okay, okay.

You're right.

Maybe we can come back sometime and check on them.

Sure.

Leaf, X, and I should probably ditch our ship again.

Have you got a ship?

Yeah,

it's right here.

You parked your ship in the middle of town.

What are they going to do?

Give me a ticket?

What is that thing?

Casper?

Can opener?

Climb aboard the Nancy Sinatra.

The Nancy Sinatra?

I'm starving.

Anyone hungry?

I'm going to fire up the George Foreman.

You okay?

They were all looking to me for answers.

They looked so scared.

I know what that's like, trust me.

I know you do.

It's no fun.

But there's no neat and tidy way to exist in the universe, X.

It's always always a mess.

Best you can do is make sure it's their mess and not someone else's.

Let them make their own mess.

Come on.

Let's get out of here.

I appreciate the rescue, guys,

but I'm getting the sense that it wasn't just to pull your old pal out of the fire.

We ran into an old friend of yours named Minsky.

Oh, man.

That fucking guy.

Yeah, he's a scumbag for sure.

You would have loved it, though.

X literally turned him upside down and shook him for information.

I like that.

It's about time we got some muscle on this crew.

He told us all the places that Leaf might be.

Our Leaf is on the diner, but lucky for us, this timeline has a couple of spare leafs.

Wait, there's three leaves?

Yeah, Leaf, Old Leaf, and even Older Leaf.

Old Leaf is doing great, by the way.

Got really into meditation.

He's at a monastery on an Earth moon now.

Guy really turned it around.

I'm proud of him.

Anyway, when I was a prisoner of the Teds, they showed me an old memory.

In that memory, you said that you had a contingency plan in case you got separated from the diner.

Is that true?

I remember you showed up in a pocket dimension one time.

A pocket dimension?

Really?

You didn't do that in your timeline.

Sorry, man.

I don't know what that was all about.

Shit.

There's got to be something.

There is, but it's going to take some luck.

The diner leaves an energy footprint whenever it leaves a location.

But what the Teds don't know is that it also leaves a preprint.

A particular energy signature shows up at any location about two days before the diner shows up.

And since the diner's trapped in these three galaxies, there's a chance we can pick up the preprint in time to book it before they jump away again that sounds like we've got to get really lucky it's all we've got and it better work soon with gloria turning herself into rosa luxembourg the teds are trying to hunt them down even harder now gloria's doing what have you guys been listening to the under signal what the hell is the under signal leaf it's an unlicensed signal for the triad it's what you listen to if you hate the teds check it out

You are listening to the Under Signal, the voice of the voiceless.

Today, Midnight Burger continued its campaign of chaos against the Ted Empire when it crashed the Bit Exchange on the planet of Colibri.

The Bit Exchange, long considered a currency that disenfranchises the people of Colibri and drives the planet into poverty, was turned on its head when the code that governs the ultra-high prices was replaced with an essay on whether or not a hot dog is a sandwich, along with a message from the diner's earthling leader, Gloria.

The message reads, Dear Ted Empire, your code sucks.

Have a sandwich.

This is only the most recent act of rebellion by the diner, who has been cutting a path of chaos through the triad for 14 cycles.

Go, Gloria!

What the fuck is she doing?

I don't know, pal of mine.

But something really pissed her off.

She's got the whole triad revved up.

Some planets are talking about open rebellion now.

Well, I'm sure this won't complicate things at all.

Regardless of what she's up to, we can't do anything until I get a hit on that signal.

Shit.

So what?

We just have to sit here until something happens?

That's boring.

Funny you should say that.

Oh, God.

I say, if Gloria's going out on a limb,

how about we help her out and create a little chaos of our own?

My answer is yes.

You haven't even heard what it is.

We've proven we can do a jailbreak.

How about we break someone else out?

Who?

Her.

Interplanetary travel.

Enjoyed by so many across the triad and made possible only.

You want to kidnap the voice of the Ted Empire?

Her name's Bert Bert.

She's an old friend of mine.

We are able to connect all citizens of the three galaxies for trade, tourism, or to start a new life somewhere out there among the stars.

BidNight Burger is made possible in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters.

Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, Cinnamon, Mel Momberg, Rogue, Justine Burbank, Onyx Rose, Melvis Gray Mystery, Ruth McCormick, Stuck in Durplahoma, Diodand, Menlor, Calibri, Hippo, Cara, Special K, Will Goliou, Nea, Anna, Ben and Jessica, Bearkeeper, Levi, Dalek Steve, Darcy D, and Existentially Exhausted B.

Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all.

Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember we're out there somewhere looking for him.

We open it six.

The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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Learn more about APU's 40-plus career-relevant master's degrees and certificates at apu.apus.edu.

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