Chapter 16: El Triste.

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Speaker 5 I mean I've got a pretty solid bar by most like home bar standards, but I don't like get things that they sent like I don't go out and buy black pepper walnut bitters and like cardamom bitters and they had a bunch of spice syrups mixed up and stuff.

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Speaker 2 Previously on Midnight Burger, Gloria is at war.

Speaker 9 The next planet we go to, we find out whatever the Teds are up to on that planet. We're going to find it and we're going to fuck it up.
And the Teds are on the hunt.

Speaker 11 The trap's already been sprung on the diner, Casper. It's only a matter of time before we catch it now.
Hang on.

Speaker 4 Don't they have a doomsday device?

Speaker 12 If I install it in the right system, it destroys the Teds.

Speaker 5 And they're not using it.

Speaker 12 Why?

Speaker 10 If we use it, people are going to starve.

Speaker 12 They're going to get sick.

Speaker 8 Alright, whatever.

Speaker 2 Also, they've picked up a fugitive who is, checking my notes here, a plant.

Speaker 14 So,

Speaker 15 you're a plant.

Speaker 12 Who is very good at foreign languages because of what again?

Speaker 13 All right, well, that sounds a little invasive to me, but what am I, the ACLU?

Speaker 15 Let's start the shift.

Speaker 19 on the path of energy independence.

Speaker 22 This planet's energy grid was about as efficient as a canvas-topped submarine.

Speaker 20 With these new schematics, you'll be able to stop importing fuel from the Teds and stand on your own two feet.

Speaker 23 We love you, Leaf! We love you!

Speaker 21 Then, on the planet of Cariol 3, Dr. Ava Maddox confronts the science priests of the High Temple of Mood.

Speaker 15 Listen, guys, I'm not gonna lie, Science Priest is a pretty amazing title. I'm kind of jealous.

Speaker 15 But if you're gonna throw the word science in there without any actual scientific knowledge, let's consider the words of Kepler.

Speaker 15 Before we go all in on this religion garbage, maybe we should, you know, try literally everything else.

Speaker 19 I'm paraphrasing.

Speaker 21 And warring factions of the planet of Fickinji were finally brought to the bargaining table by Midnight Burger's leader, Gloria, and peace was forged using a sacred earth tradition.

Speaker 24 Look, you guys, the Teds have been funding both sides of this war for years. Why don't we stop fighting and talk about who the real enemy is?

Speaker 24 And remember, when all five dice are the same, you have to shout Yahtzee!

Speaker 21 Now the entire triad waits with bated breath to see where the mysterious diner will appear next.

Speaker 21 And when they do, will the Ted Empire finally have an opportunity to put an end to Midnight Burger's path of chaos that has inspired the downtrodden all across the system.

Speaker 20 Stay tuned to The Under Signal, the voice of freedom in the triad, as the story develops.

Speaker 9 Jesus, these people are hungry.

Speaker 10 There's a line out the door.

Speaker 12 I can't even see where it ends.

Speaker 15 I just finished emergency inventory, and it's pretty Dickensian in the walk-in. We're basically out of food.

Speaker 29 We've only been here an hour. Why are they so hungry?

Speaker 25 I don't know.

Speaker 12 I can't understand a word they're saying.

Speaker 15 This is what happens when you open the Rebellion Cafe. Everyone wants to come here with their beret on.

Speaker 31 Gloria, this ain't just a busy shift. We can't understand a word these people are saying either, but their situation is dire.

Speaker 15 Uh, we've been in a billion dire situations in the last two weeks, guys.

Speaker 32 But this is something new. Not just a dire situation, but what is the word?

Speaker 19 Portent, dear.

Speaker 31 That's it, dear. Thank you.

Speaker 33 Portent, Gloria.

Speaker 25 Whatever, guys.

Speaker 32 Something important is to happen here.

Speaker 34 It's so strong that I feel it myself.

Speaker 35 There is a weight to this day.

Speaker 28 A weight?

Speaker 36 That's it, indeed.

Speaker 28 I feel

Speaker 33 it is a day of a great sermon.

Speaker 29 Yes, amen. Guys, we're in the weeds here.

Speaker 9 There's not going to be any time for Zebulon to give a a sermon.

Speaker 25 That is the puzzling bit, Gloria.

Speaker 31 The sermon will not be given by us.

Speaker 33 I'll do it.

Speaker 38 You will not.

Speaker 15 You don't think they want to hear a lecture on magnetars? It's a barn burner.

Speaker 38 I have Jo.

Speaker 9 I need to understand what these people are saying.

Speaker 34 Where's Shell?

Speaker 15 I sent Shell outside to talk to people. Maybe they can figure out what's going on.

Speaker 34 Can you feel it coming together, my dear?

Speaker 31 Oh, yes, husband.

Speaker 31 Throngs of the hungry, seeking guidance. All of them gathered together.
Their confusion, their only commonality.

Speaker 28 Not to mention, it is a lovely day out.

Speaker 31 It is sermon o'clock, dear, and we are late.

Speaker 33 How might we contribute to this day of importance, I wonder?

Speaker 31 Well, we've got the throngs of people. We have an eagerness of guidance.
And we got the sunshine. What else do we need?

Speaker 15 Apostles. I'll be an apostle.

Speaker 33 No, you will not.

Speaker 15 But I love flowing garments.

Speaker 23 Perhaps not Paul and Mark and the rest, but a way to spread the good word far and wide.

Speaker 17 I can spread the good word far and wide.

Speaker 31 What did I just say?

Speaker 15 Not in a Jesus way,

Speaker 15 in a science way.

Speaker 36 How do you mean, Ava?

Speaker 17 Wow, these people are chatting.

Speaker 41 Okay, everybody, huddle up.

Speaker 16 It was hard to get them to talk to me. They kept screaming and running away in fear.
I mean, seriously, am I really the only photosynthetic motherfucker in the galaxy?

Speaker 9 Stop teaching, Shell to curse.

Speaker 15 Skills are important.

Speaker 16 So, I stopped trying to talk to people and I just stood really still. Eventually, they mistook me for a bush and they started yapping away.
Everyone, welcome to the planet Milanov.

Speaker 16 They are big fans of you guys. Such big fans that as soon as we started our war with the Teds, they shut down their warp gate in in protest.

Speaker 14 Oh, great.

Speaker 12 This is what we were afraid of.

Speaker 16 Apparently, this was a really bad idea.

Speaker 9 Yeah, it was.

Speaker 16 All their food comes from somewhere else, I guess.

Speaker 15 What's the place that makes food? A farm.

Speaker 16 Right, there's none of those.

Speaker 9 On the whole planet? Is that bad?

Speaker 41 Yes.

Speaker 15 Also, basically, all they have on this planet are restaurants.

Speaker 16 That's what we are, right?

Speaker 37 The whole planet?

Speaker 15 Yes.

Speaker 16 People come here from other planets to eat at the restaurants and then go to something called a spa.

Speaker 23 Shit.

Speaker 12 It's a leisure planet.

Speaker 15 It sounds excellent. Except for the small detail of everyone starving.

Speaker 12 This is exactly what I was talking about.

Speaker 9 Don't start with me.

Speaker 30 What the fuck were they thinking?

Speaker 12 They shut off their only means of getting food. What was their end game?

Speaker 9 Sometimes you're too miserable to think about the end game.

Speaker 12 That sounds familiar.

Speaker 9 I said don't start with me.

Speaker 15 On a related note, i just checked the calendar it's national use your doomsday device day and i know a great way to celebrate that'll just make it worse also there's something floating in the parking lot oh my god leave your ex is here right what is this now

Speaker 15 what the hell is this

Speaker 43 it's a message drone you have one message

Speaker 9 Don't listen to it. Play the message.

Speaker 23 Oh, hey, Midnight Burger. Ted Empire Calling.

Speaker 23 I decided to leave you a little message on every planet just because I wanted to let you guys know that your highly publicized guerrilla warfare is...

Speaker 23 guess what? Worthless.

Speaker 35 I'm sure you guys think you're out there fighting the good fight, but you're basically congratulating yourselves for shooting an elephant with a rubber band. But

Speaker 35 this is what I expect from you Earthlings.

Speaker 20 Your planet has not spent nearly enough time thinking about the futility of your actions.

Speaker 20 Except for the Danish. I mean,

Speaker 20 they've really got the pointlessness of life nailed. I mean, a bunch of existentially exhausted beans over there.

Speaker 35 Oh, and by the way, this message has just pinged us with your location. Better hope there's no dead ships in the area.

Speaker 35 Okay, see you soon.

Speaker 43 End of message. Would you like to reply?

Speaker 8 Reply.

Speaker 9 I'm replying.

Speaker 12 Telling them to fuck off isn't going to do anything.

Speaker 9 What do you want me to do? Beg for our lives?

Speaker 12 The people on this planet are begging for their lives because of what we starve.

Speaker 9 I didn't ask anybody to starve themselves.

Speaker 12 We've been on an anti-goodwill tour. Did you think people were just going to sit there?

Speaker 7 No.

Speaker 12 They're going to get all riled up like this planet has and then expect us to save them somehow

Speaker 12 Now we've shown up on a starving planet without any food

Speaker 44 This was bound to happen leave.

Speaker 15 I'm taking Effie and Zebulon up to the roof.

Speaker 16 Come with me and do science.

Speaker 38 What I have an idea.

Speaker 15 An idea about what haven't you heard? There's gonna be a sermon today.

Speaker 12 What are you talking about?

Speaker 6 Effie and Zebulon sets up.

Speaker 40 Who are you?

Speaker 15 I'm the person in the diner who's smarter than Come up to the roof.

Speaker 45 Fine, whatever.

Speaker 9 You think this is a good time to say, I told you so.

Speaker 12 I did tell you so, so

Speaker 43 yes. Would you like to reply?

Speaker 9 What's going to happen to them?

Speaker 46 They'll surrender eventually.

Speaker 12 Probably get a heavy fine from the Teds. It'll take a generation for them to pay it off.

Speaker 12 But they'll be okay.

Speaker 12 You didn't ask them to do this. It was irrational of them.
You can't go up against these guys unless you have a plan.

Speaker 9 Are you talking about them or me?

Speaker 12 Look, I'm going to go in there, serve the last of our food, and apologize.

Speaker 12 It's all we can do at this point.

Speaker 9 Then what do we do?

Speaker 1 Honestly,

Speaker 12 after that,

Speaker 46 I'm making a gun.

Speaker 9 The fuck for, Lafe?

Speaker 12 The Teds just got pinged with our location.

Speaker 12 This could be the end of of the road. If they think I have a weapon, they might hesitate for a second.
Give us a chance to slip away.

Speaker 9 What about the purple nurple?

Speaker 12 Purple nullifier.

Speaker 46 That only works once.

Speaker 12 They'll have a plan for it next time.

Speaker 44 So,

Speaker 46 I'm making a plasma cannon.

Speaker 12 It'll only have one shot, but they'll have to go into a standoff protocol, and that'll take some time.

Speaker 45 Whatever.

Speaker 12 We weren't going to be able to keep this up forever.

Speaker 12 Honestly, I'm surprised we made it this long.

Speaker 7 I'll be on the roof.

Speaker 43 Would you like to reply?

Speaker 14 Gloria.

Speaker 9 Shell, you don't have to pretend to be a bush anymore.

Speaker 16 I'm kind of enjoying it. Ava calls it doing spy shit.

Speaker 14 Okay, enjoy.

Speaker 16 Kind of scares me when you and Lee fight.

Speaker 8 I know. I'm sorry.

Speaker 9 Yeah, we definitely do that.

Speaker 16 So, what's the thing that isn't being said?

Speaker 9 I don't know, Shell.

Speaker 16 It's messy out here.

Speaker 9 What's messy?

Speaker 1 Out here.

Speaker 16 All these planets, all these people, it's a mess.

Speaker 15 It really is.

Speaker 16 I feel like you've been trying to make some sense of it.

Speaker 16 I've really appreciated that.

Speaker 9 I don't know what I've been trying to do.

Speaker 16 I knew what things were on my planet. It was a lot simpler.

Speaker 16 Sun coming up, good.

Speaker 16 Lightning storm, bad. Things are a little different out here, though.

Speaker 16 Something can be good, but is it, though?

Speaker 16 Something can be bad, but have you considered this, that, and the other thing? Maybe when you considered this, that, and the other thing, maybe the thing you thought was bad is actually good.

Speaker 16 And that good thing you've been talking about is actually a total fucking disaster.

Speaker 15 It's confusing.

Speaker 16 But recently, you've been heading out into this uncertainty and you've been saying, hey, this is wrong wrong and this is right and shut up about it.

Speaker 9 And I've appreciated that.

Speaker 23 It's

Speaker 16 understandable. Like the sunrise and the lightning storms.

Speaker 9 It doesn't feel that way.

Speaker 37 Hey, come here.

Speaker 16 Get off the parking lot and put your feet on the dirt.

Speaker 47 Why? Just do it.

Speaker 45 Okay.

Speaker 45 What?

Speaker 16 It's a shame they don't have farms on this planet. The soil here is amazing.
You can't feel it, but I can.

Speaker 16 All kinds of weird bacteria, complex nutrients, and don't even get me started on the mycelial network.

Speaker 9 The what?

Speaker 16 Mushrooms. You like mushrooms, right?

Speaker 15 Sure. The mushroom is just the visible part.

Speaker 16 Under a mushroom is a network of fungus strands that can run for miles, colonies of fungus all talking to each other. When I stand here, they talk to me, too.

Speaker 26 What's it saying?

Speaker 48 I mean, not with words.

Speaker 16 It's not a talking fungus. I mean,

Speaker 16 I can feel the whole planet. And under the ground, underneath all the complexity and confusion and anger, something is working.

Speaker 9 And it's working perfectly.

Speaker 9 I wish I could feel that, like you can.

Speaker 16 The soil is just begging to have things planted in it. I wonder how it got that way.

Speaker 9 I guess from the people here not using it.

Speaker 18 No,

Speaker 16 it's more than that.

Speaker 16 At first I thought it was volcanoes. Volcanoes make for great soil, but nothing this complicated.

Speaker 16 It's.

Speaker 24 Oh, wait!

Speaker 49 Megafauna!

Speaker 18 Whoa.

Speaker 9 Who is that?

Speaker 16 That's where the soil is coming from.

Speaker 9 From this thing?

Speaker 15 This must be a jarique.

Speaker 16 It's the sacred animal of the Milanov. People come from other planets to eat at the restaurants, go to whatever a spa is, and watch huge herds of jarik run by.

Speaker 32 Huge herds?

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 16 There's some sort of story about how the jarik are the spirits of their ancestors or something.

Speaker 9 How many are there?

Speaker 47 I don't know.

Speaker 16 They're all over the planet, though. Nothing makes great soil like a big dumb animal crapping everywhere.

Speaker 33 Really?

Speaker 41 They're pretty adorable, huh?

Speaker 9 There's something.

Speaker 9 Good job, Shell.

Speaker 38 Good job at what?

Speaker 43 Would you like to reply?

Speaker 8 Yes.

Speaker 43 Begin message.

Speaker 9 Oh, hi, Ted Empire.

Speaker 29 This is Gloria.

Speaker 9 Word of advice. When you want to let someone know that what they're doing is insignificant, don't go out of your way to let them know they're insignificant.

Speaker 9 Don't send them a just to let you know, I'm totally over you message. You're kind of showing your whole ass on that one.
Were you drunk when you sent this?

Speaker 9 It is pretty adorable that you're trying to intimidate me.

Speaker 9 But honestly, between the sexists, the racist, shitty tippers, and the guys screaming, go back to your country from their car to me, you're just the next asshole. See you soon.

Speaker 43 Thank you for using Ted Message.

Speaker 15 Look, I don't like riffing. I like long and drawn-out equations.

Speaker 15 I mean, I know the word theoretical is the first part of theoretical physicist, and that implies I'm going to look for animal shapes in the clouds or whatever. But

Speaker 15 I've always been more partial to the physicist part of theoretical physicist than the theoretical part.

Speaker 41 Leave. What?

Speaker 15 I feel like I don't have your attention, and I hate that.

Speaker 12 I'm listening. I can do two things at once.

Speaker 38 Okay.

Speaker 15 So,

Speaker 15 as you know, I'm an unraveler of mysteries. Oh, yeah?

Speaker 12 What is the diner and how does it work?

Speaker 15 Don't sass me. Sorry.

Speaker 12 You're an unraveler of mysteries.

Speaker 25 Yes.

Speaker 15 Not the least of those mysteries is, of course, your friends and mine, Effie and Zebulon Mucklewain.

Speaker 28 It's awfully nice up here.

Speaker 15 People can't just talk out of a box. And there's no such thing as a question without an answer.
So then,

Speaker 15 what the fuck? Okay. So, I have several theories, but there is one particular theory that is currently sitting on my lap and I am stroking lovingly.
Great.

Speaker 15 I still feel like I don't know what to do.

Speaker 8 You have my attention.

Speaker 12 Is this really the most important thing right now?

Speaker 40 We have told him how important day is, have we not, dear? We have, dear.

Speaker 31 I certainly hope Leif was paying attention when we explained this.

Speaker 43 Otherwise, I would have to be very

Speaker 31 disappointed in him.

Speaker 12 The people on this planet are starving. We don't have any food, and the TEDs are coming.
You want to talk about theoretical physics?

Speaker 28 We would like to talk about an important day, Leif.

Speaker 33 There will be a great message delivered.

Speaker 50 And Ava, though we don't understand her particular divinations, has said she would like to help.

Speaker 31 Which is a miracle all on its own.

Speaker 12 I'm not getting out of this, am I?

Speaker 31 You are not.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 12 You were saying.

Speaker 15 Consciousness needs a complicated arrangement of atoms, right? I guess. But over my shoulder are a couple of conscious minds with no atoms.
Yeah. So hear me out.

Speaker 15 What if instead of a complicated arrangement of atoms, it's a complicated arrangement of waves?

Speaker 12 What are you saying?

Speaker 15 A microwave.

Speaker 15 You put your frozen burrito in a microwave, but you only have the microwaves coming from one direction. What happens? Nothing.

Speaker 49 Right.

Speaker 15 But multiple microwave emissions from multiple points all crossing each other at the point of your burrito, and what do you get?

Speaker 46 Lunch.

Speaker 15 Exactly.

Speaker 12 You're saying that Effie and Zebulon's consciousness is a hot burrito?

Speaker 15 Yes. Except the product of the arrangement of waves is not a hot burrito, but in fact, a conscious mind.

Speaker 9 That's insane. I know.

Speaker 15 Mad Scientist Thunder Crash.

Speaker 12 I thought you told me they were.

Speaker 12 I feel uncomfortable talking about this in front of them.

Speaker 15 Oh, they don't understand what we're talking about.

Speaker 40 It's true, Leaf.

Speaker 36 It's all gobbledygook to us.

Speaker 12 See, I thought you told me their consciousness was fabricated by some sort of unknown entity.

Speaker 15 I never said fabricated.

Speaker 12 Effie and Zebulon Mucklewain were real people.

Speaker 12 They lived in Arkansas in 1925, and that's not them.

Speaker 15 Well, by that logic, everyone's fabricated.

Speaker 15 You were fabricated by the 3D printer in your mother's womb. The ink in the printer was the genetic information from your mother and your father.
I'm assuming you're more than your genetic makeup?

Speaker 15 Yes. Effie and Zebulon were created based on two real people, but that's just where they started.

Speaker 12 You can't just create a consciousness based on two people.

Speaker 15 Uh, tell that to your mom. That's what she did.

Speaker 7 Okay, forget I asked.

Speaker 12 At what point am I building something?

Speaker 15 I don't need you to build something. I just need an analysis of this planet's radio frequency traffic.
Why? There's some sort of relationship between the Mucklewains and waves.

Speaker 15 If they're made up of waveforms, then they can kind of, you know,

Speaker 12 speak waveform. You're the only theorist I've ever met who says things like, kind of,

Speaker 15 you know. It's going to work, Lee.

Speaker 14 What's going to work?

Speaker 15 This planet's an advanced civilization. They probably have communication satellites, right? I guess.
If we can get the Mucklewains to grab the right signal, we can broadcast to the entire planet.

Speaker 44 What for?

Speaker 15 Because there's gonna be a sermon, dude.

Speaker 44 You don't care about the sermon.

Speaker 30 You just wanna mess around with your toys.

Speaker 15 Man, what difference does it make?

Speaker 31 Who put the snakes in your pants?

Speaker 12 I don't have snakes in my pants.

Speaker 12 I just don't understand why we're thinking about this right now.

Speaker 32 Because it's an important day, lady.

Speaker 12 You're right. It is an important day

Speaker 12 it's the day we get caught by the teds and thrown in deep cold storage do you want me to tell you about deep cold storage do not raise your voice to me young man

Speaker 12 life

Speaker 32 The reason why you've been hemming and hawing for the past weeks is not because Gloria is doing the wrong thing, but because she's doing the right thing.

Speaker 32 And we all know it. And that stings a bit for you, Leif, because the right thing that she's doing is the thing you should have done a long time ago.

Speaker 32 These oppressors who have been chasing us, they're no strangers to you, Leif.

Speaker 32 But you chose not to oppose them and instead retreated into childish mayhem. But now we see Gloria, ill-equipped though she may be, standing against them as you should have.

Speaker 51 Leaf,

Speaker 51 we understand that to look back and feel that another path should have been taken can be a harsh view to digest.

Speaker 32 You may not approve of Gloria's actions, but can you hardly blame her? She has faced down evil and prayed for mighty assistance, as we all should.

Speaker 12 Even if it's pointless,

Speaker 12 even if you suffer and it changes nothing, yes, Leif, even if that.

Speaker 12 Who do you think you're talking to? Sorry, guys.

Speaker 12 I wish I could go with you on that. Purity in the face of certain doom is

Speaker 12 appealing, I guess.

Speaker 6 But that's not me.

Speaker 12 I spent the majority of my life with certain death right outside the airlock.

Speaker 12 I survived things.

Speaker 12 I've never really cared much how I survived them.

Speaker 32 Well, you went and messed that up when you got yourself some friends.

Speaker 19 Like one cannot be a creature of simple survival and a creature with loved ones for when you care for another you take on their dangers and complications it's dangerous to care for another life

Speaker 32 but it's always worth a trade-off and the reason you're so upset is because you know i'm right

Speaker 5 looks like there's all kinds of frequencies

Speaker 15 one of them's got to be the global network of some kind pick the one, the one without any interference.

Speaker 22 How about this one?

Speaker 12 It sounds like a data stream.

Speaker 15 Okay, cool. Hey guys, do you hear that sound?

Speaker 31 We do.

Speaker 34 It's a very unpleasant sound.

Speaker 15 I know. It's super annoying.
So,

Speaker 15 how about you stop it?

Speaker 34 Stop it? Stop it? How?

Speaker 15 Like that. Oh, shit.
Say something, guys. What are we meant to say?

Speaker 44 They took over the signal.

Speaker 18 I love it.

Speaker 39 What does this mean, Ava?

Speaker 15 It means what it usually means: that I am a genius.

Speaker 7 They're talking to the whole planet right now.

Speaker 38 What the hell?

Speaker 15 Hey, guys, introduce yourselves to the whole planet.

Speaker 25 Oh, my. Well,

Speaker 25 hello to everyone on this planet. I'm Zebulon Mucklewayne, here with my wife, Effie.

Speaker 15 Hi, y'all. You want to give a sermon? How's this for spreading the word? Ava, this is quite something.

Speaker 15 But we mentioned before, we would not be the ones to give the sermon today.

Speaker 34 That would be by someone yet to be named.

Speaker 25 That's step two.

Speaker 38 Check it out.

Speaker 15 Testing one, two, three.

Speaker 15 Hey there, cats and kittens. This is Ava coming to you live.
Sit back and relax while I recite the first 20,000 digits of Hi from memory.

Speaker 12 That worked!

Speaker 30 They're alive, Mike.

Speaker 12 Holy shit!

Speaker 8 To be sure and stay on this channel, folks.

Speaker 15 Later today will be some sort of sermon by some such person. We don't know who yet.

Speaker 27 Frankly, I don't care who it is.

Speaker 15 I was only trying to get this far for the sake of a physics thought experiment. I was playing out in my head.

Speaker 18 You know how it is. Life!

Speaker 7 Gloria, what's up?

Speaker 9 Gimme Gimme the gun.

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Speaker 16 Okay, looks like the crowd is finally getting used to me. Nothing like desperation to make you set aside your prejudice.
Am I right?

Speaker 9 Are they all here?

Speaker 16 Yeah, everyone who is standing in line is gathered in the parking lot.

Speaker 9 Okay, good job. Get into the crowd, and when I start talking, you translate as much as you can.

Speaker 6 Okay. Here it is.

Speaker 12 One homemade particle accelerator.

Speaker 9 Does this work the way I think it does?

Speaker 12 Pretty much. Have you ever shot a gun before?

Speaker 9 No, but I was really good at buck hunting.

Speaker 12 That'll work. Remember, you've only got one shot, so make it count.

Speaker 7 And don't forget, FE and Zebulon are a live global microphone now.

Speaker 44 So you're talking to the whole planet.

Speaker 15 What's the plan here?

Speaker 39 You know what?

Speaker 25 Never mind.

Speaker 15 I wouldn't be surprised. Also, what's up with the big dumb animal?

Speaker 25 Are we doing pony rides?

Speaker 28 Well, let us see here.

Speaker 36 Throngs gathered for a speech. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 36 A lovely day.

Speaker 40 A time of need.

Speaker 40 We continue to be right about many things, and they continue to doubt us.

Speaker 36 Not unlike the apostles, if you don't mind me saying. I don't mind one bit.

Speaker 31 I am going to be writing down a notion or two.

Speaker 31 The book of Muckle Wayne. Ah, that has a nice ring to it, dear.

Speaker 9 Here goes nothing.

Speaker 9 Everyone, everyone listen up. My name's Gloria, and I'm the manager of Midnight Burger.

Speaker 9 As you may have heard, we have run out of food.

Speaker 9 I know, we're sorry, there's just too many of you to feed. We're good, but we're not that good.

Speaker 9 Sometimes things get hard, and when things get hard, the choices you have to make get even harder.

Speaker 9 I apologize for the choice you're all going to have to make.

Speaker 2 Shell,

Speaker 31 yeah,

Speaker 25 don't look. Oh boy,

Speaker 25 Holy Ernest Hemingway!

Speaker 23 Oh, they are not happy.

Speaker 29 Everyone, listen to me.

Speaker 29 Listen!

Speaker 9 I'm told you believe these animals are the spirits of your ancestors.

Speaker 9 If that's true, would your ancestors want to watch you starve? This planet made a choice to change things. Decisions like that are followed by even harder decisions.

Speaker 9 This is your next one.

Speaker 9 You may not like it. It may feel wrong.
But if you come back four hours from now, everybody eats.

Speaker 9 It's up to you.

Speaker 9 Talk amongst yourselves.

Speaker 15 So, that's a no on the pony rides, then?

Speaker 12 I think they'd rather eat us at this point.

Speaker 9 It was my decision, guys. You don't have to own it, okay? We stand with you, Gloria.

Speaker 15 It's super gross, but I have no choice but to support a decision this hardcore. Hey, guys.

Speaker 16 Really looking forward to suppressing all my memories of this day.

Speaker 9 We're switching over to buffet service. You guys go inside and set up some steamer trays.
Effie and Zeb, stay with me.

Speaker 15 Come on, Shell. Let's go inside and act like we're helping.

Speaker 37 Okay.

Speaker 9 Somebody had to do it. Did I? I don't even know if this thing is edible.

Speaker 40 There's only one way to find out, Gloria.

Speaker 29 Right.

Speaker 9 Here we go.

Speaker 49 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 30 All sorts of smells.

Speaker 39 You're quite skilled at dispatching this beast, Gloria.

Speaker 37 Thanks. My

Speaker 9 Arwello taught me. Of course, that was a goat, not something the size of a Lincoln-Town car.

Speaker 31 One more inch, and the insides are gonna be on the outside.

Speaker 24 Yeah,

Speaker 7 here they

Speaker 12 come.

Speaker 12 Well, now

Speaker 12 that's

Speaker 36 not all so foreign, is it?

Speaker 33 No, you got the usual insides. Two livers, though.

Speaker 33 Yes,

Speaker 33 there's not enough onions in all of Georgia to fry up all those livers.

Speaker 9 Okay, this is what we're working with. Let me talk to Effie and Zebulon, the pig farmers, for a second.

Speaker 39 We're right here.

Speaker 9 What do we think of this guy?

Speaker 28 Well, I'll tell you right now, I'm having some impure thoughts about those haunches and those shoulders. You're forgiven.

Speaker 28 But you'd need at least a day and a night to get those to taste like something.

Speaker 34 And time is of the essence.

Speaker 40 Gloria, what is that thing you do when you grill it and then slice it?

Speaker 9 Gardener Sada? That's it. Not a bad idea.
I could cook it fast. I just need to be able to butcher it fast enough.
But first, I'm going to get upwind of this thing because, wow, that's a stink.

Speaker 36 You could feed a whole congregation with this one animal, don't you think, dear? Indeed.

Speaker 32 all i'm doing right now is thinking about the sausage oh yes lovely sausage it is a blessing this animal you've truly discovered something here gloria this is nice i never get to talk about this stuff it's always life and ava arguing about quarks or whatever

Speaker 9 oh i don't know i'm on an alien planet There's three moons in the sky. And I'm here just trying to feed as many people as I can.

Speaker 9 It's all the same stuff in the end, isn't it? Yes.

Speaker 9 We are far afield from our home, and yet, no matter how far our journey, it's all still surprisingly human, isn't it?

Speaker 6 Hey, Gloria, I wanted to... Woo!

Speaker 10 God, that's disgusting.

Speaker 9 What did you think would happen, Lafe? A bunch of perfect round patties were going to spill out?

Speaker 10 No, No, no, I understand.

Speaker 46 Ugh, that's just a lot of insides on the outside, is all.

Speaker 9 What do you need?

Speaker 44 Nothing. I just.

Speaker 12 We keep arguing, and I keep apologizing. And I wanted to apologize again and say that the arguing is going to stop.
Maybe not the apologizing, but definitely the arguing.

Speaker 40 Okay.

Speaker 12 The Teds scare the shit out of me.

Speaker 12 I hate to admit it.

Speaker 12 And here you are,

Speaker 12 a cook from Arizona, and they're scared of you.

Speaker 12 It's amazing.

Speaker 12 And if you can figure out how to cook this thing and pull another shift out of the fire

Speaker 12 legendary stuff, Gloria.

Speaker 9 Thanks, Laife.

Speaker 10 So,

Speaker 12 to apologize,

Speaker 44 I brought you this laser saw.

Speaker 23 I never really had a use for it, but it looked too awesome for me to throw away.

Speaker 14 It should cut through the bone really easily.

Speaker 12 Anyway, just pull the trigger and start cutting.

Speaker 7 Thanks, Leif.

Speaker 9 How are we looking in there?

Speaker 12 We're ready to fuck them up.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 9 Everybody eats.

Speaker 9 Effie, I have to say it has been a pleasure these last few hours sharing our words and music with this world entire.

Speaker 9 It is a lovely place they have here, husband.

Speaker 32 It's been so moving to see them fight for it so hard.

Speaker 23 Now, if you've been listening in around the world, you know that we've all been waiting for Gloria to unveil the wonderful repast she's been preparing.

Speaker 32 Before we do that, husband, I feel that there may be many in this land who feel reticence in turning these sacred beasts into sustenance.

Speaker 23 Of course.

Speaker 51 And such a feeling is understandable.

Speaker 51 I won't pretend to understand the importance of these creatures to the people of this land, but I can tell you this.

Speaker 51 You see these herds of animals that roam the hills and valleys as the spirits of your ancestors. And I can tell you that if it were me

Speaker 51 and I were a soul who had passed into the beyond, I would consider it a privilege to be able to make one last sacrifice for those that I left behind.

Speaker 32 As would I, dear. But all of you listening at home, we can't make this decision for you.

Speaker 32 All we can do is show you a way forward and hope that the decisions you make can feel right in the eyes of your God.

Speaker 51 Or gods, or or

Speaker 36 however y'all do it here.

Speaker 46 It looks fantastic.

Speaker 38 Thanks.

Speaker 15 Would it be rude to eat before all the starving people?

Speaker 9 Yes, Ava.

Speaker 49 Ah, bummer.

Speaker 15 Guys, thanks so much for not making me touch any of this stuff.

Speaker 42 I'm sure it's an accomplishment, but it looks pretty gross.

Speaker 12 Vegans, am I right?

Speaker 38 What's a vegan?

Speaker 15 Your worst nightmare, shell.

Speaker 9 None of them are eating it yet. What are they waiting for?

Speaker 36 Gloria, perhaps they need a bit more convincing. Perhaps someone should stand before them, make a bit of a speech, convince them there is nothing to fear.

Speaker 9 You mean like a sermon?

Speaker 51 I did not say sermon.

Speaker 34 Did you say sermon, dear?

Speaker 31 I did not say sermon, dear. I don't even know what you mean by that.

Speaker 15 Fine, who's doing it? It's all you.

Speaker 7 I'm not doing it.

Speaker 9 Why is it me?

Speaker 7 Because you're the boss.

Speaker 9 Fine.

Speaker 9 Fine. Okay, Shell, get into the crowd and start translating.

Speaker 3 Here we go.

Speaker 9 Everyone?

Speaker 9 Everyone, can I have your attention?

Speaker 9 I know this is a strange day for you. I appreciate you showing up at all.
So

Speaker 9 on my home planet, there's this thing called top ramen.

Speaker 9 It's dried noodles and a packet of flavoring. It's not very good for you, but it's food and you can get them for 50 cents each.
It's not a lot where I'm from.

Speaker 9 I never ate it at all that much myself, but it was always nice knowing it was there.

Speaker 9 You knew you were never going to starve because of a cheap package of dried noodles always waiting for you at any store.

Speaker 9 It's nice.

Speaker 9 What a lot of people don't know is that the reason why there's dirt cheap noodles at any store is because one day,

Speaker 9 a long time ago,

Speaker 9 two nuclear bombs were detonated on an island called Japan.

Speaker 9 Thousands of people died in an instant, and in the aftermath, thousands more were going to die of sickness and starvation.

Speaker 9 But one man had an idea to send bricks of dry noodles with a packet of flavoring to anyone who was hungry.

Speaker 9 They knew they weren't going to starve.

Speaker 9 On the island of Jamaica, they cook chicken in a way that doesn't make any smoke.

Speaker 9 They do that because a long time ago they were enslaved, and the smoke would have alerted the slavers, and they would then be running for their lives.

Speaker 9 Zebulon, why do Jewish people eat unleavened bread?

Speaker 27 Because they too were enslaved.

Speaker 51 When word came from Moses that it was time to flee captivity in the night, they had no time to wait for their bread to rise.

Speaker 51 So, to this day, the flatbread is a reminder of that flight from their oppressor.

Speaker 9 For me,

Speaker 9 when I cook with corn, beans, and squash, It's called the tres hermanas,

Speaker 9 the same way my ancestors cooked thousands of years ago.

Speaker 9 My ancestors who were nearly wiped out by foreign invaders.

Speaker 9 Show me your plate, and I'll tell you a sad, sad story.

Speaker 9 Your sad story begins today.

Speaker 9 The day you had to turn to the spirits of your ancestors to keep you alive while you were just trying to do the right thing and leave a better life for your children.

Speaker 9 I can't make you eat this food. It's your story, not mine.

Speaker 9 So, Zebulon's going to say a prayer, and then you're all going to make a choice. It's up to you.

Speaker 26 Bless us, O Lord.

Speaker 26 Bless our food and our drink.

Speaker 21 Since you redeemed us so dearly and delivered us from evil,

Speaker 51 As you gave us a share in this food, so may you give us a share in eternal life.

Speaker 51 And

Speaker 40 now we wait.

Speaker 12 You couldn't have made it more plain.

Speaker 12 You literally served it to them on a platter.

Speaker 16 Hey, Gloria, that was a great speech.

Speaker 9 Thanks, Shell.

Speaker 16 So eating isn't just a gross thing you do with your face. It's also a story.

Speaker 9 It is, absolutely. Okay.

Speaker 15 I still don't feel like I'm missing out, but I get it now.

Speaker 9 Good.

Speaker 15 Now, can I eat the big animal?

Speaker 7 You're going to have to get in line.

Speaker 49 Check it out.

Speaker 9 They're eating.

Speaker 12 You did it. It worked.

Speaker 15 Yeah, I'm not standing in that line.

Speaker 12 Holy shit, it fucking worked.

Speaker 23 God damn.

Speaker 44 Eat shit, Ted Empire.

Speaker 9 They're going to be okay!

Speaker 7 Guys,

Speaker 7 I want to apologize.

Speaker 12 I was kind of a dick today,

Speaker 7 but I've worked all of it out of my system.

Speaker 15 I would also like to apologize for nothing.

Speaker 15 It was a banner day for me, and I performed perfectly. Here's to me!

Speaker 34 Zabulon, what is it, dear?

Speaker 28 We're too late.

Speaker 16 What's that in the sky?

Speaker 39 Where?

Speaker 3 Up there.

Speaker 9 Maybe it's just some planes or something.

Speaker 15 Uh three planes heading right for us?

Speaker 22 Shit.

Speaker 45 Life.

Speaker 40 What are they?

Speaker 12 I'm sorry, guys.

Speaker 22 They found us.

Speaker 2 Everybody inside. Move!

Speaker 9 Who's that FPN Zebulon?

Speaker 36 I got them.

Speaker 23 Do not move. Hurry up!

Speaker 9 How long until we jump? Too long.

Speaker 29 So, this is it?

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 12 Yeah, this is it, guys.

Speaker 12 I'm sorry.

Speaker 25 Okay. What does that mean?

Speaker 9 Okay, Shell, listen to me. I'm going to need you to get out of here, okay? What are you talking about? They're not looking for you.

Speaker 17 They're looking for us.

Speaker 15 They're not coming in.

Speaker 9 You said so yourself. The soil is great here, and you speak the language.

Speaker 7 They'll come in.

Speaker 16 I'm not leaving you guys.

Speaker 9 You have to.

Speaker 7 What did it say?

Speaker 32 Shell, Gloria is right.

Speaker 31 You need to get gone before it's too late.

Speaker 36 We'll be fine, Shell.

Speaker 15 Spatial anomaly detected.

Speaker 49 It can't be us.

Speaker 9 It's too early. You need to stay alive for your people, remember?

Speaker 16 Is that what's going to happen?

Speaker 39 They're going to kill you?

Speaker 7 Hang on. Something's happening.

Speaker 15 I see it.

Speaker 15 There.

Speaker 7 The fuck is that?

Speaker 9 Is it coming towards a relief?

Speaker 15 Vladimir's tape recorder. Do we still have it?

Speaker 17 What? Why? Do we have it?

Speaker 7 It's behind the counter. What for?

Speaker 31 Oh, this is a very strange feeling.

Speaker 9 It's definitely coming towards us.

Speaker 41 What is that thing? Everybody come here.

Speaker 17 Leaf, grab the radio.

Speaker 15 Everybody, hang on to each other.

Speaker 38 Ava, what's happening?

Speaker 17 Don't let go of each other.

Speaker 25 Do you have a plan?

Speaker 45 I don't have a plan.

Speaker 15 Somebody else does.

Speaker 2 Midnight Burger is made possible in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters.

Speaker 5 Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, Cinnamon, Mel Momberg, Rogue, Justine Burbank, Onyx Rose, Aaron Mitchell, Melvis Gray Mystery, Om Vega, Ruth McCormick, Stuck in Durplahoma, Diodand, Menlor, Calibri, Hippo, Kara, Special K, Sarah Bergenholtz, Will Goliou, Nea,

Speaker 13 Anna, Ben and Jessica, Bearkeeper, Levi, Dalek Steve, Darcy D, and Existentially Exhausted Bean.

Speaker 32 Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all. Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

Speaker 27 And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens. Just remember, we're out there, somewhere, looking for you.

Speaker 32 We open at six.

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