Chapter 16: El Triste.

loves a challenge.

It's why she lifts heavy weights

and likes complicated recipes.

But for booking her trip to Paris, Olivia chose the easy way with Expedia.

She bundled her flight with a hotel to save more.

Of course, she still climbed all 674 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

You were made to take the easy route.

We were made to easily package your trip.

Expedia, made to travel.

Flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest-paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was queer.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Previously on Midnight Burger, Gloria is at war.

The next planet we go to, we find out whatever the Teds are up to on that planet.

We're going to find it, and we're going to fuck it up.

And the Teds are on the hunt.

The trap's already been sprung on the diner, Casper.

It's only a matter of time before we catch it now.

Hang on.

Don't they have a doomsday device?

If I install it in the right system, it destroys the Teds.

And they're not using it.

Why?

If we use it, people are going to starve.

They're going to get sick.

Alright, whatever.

Also, they've picked up a fugitive who is, checking my notes here, a plant.

So,

you're a plant.

Who is very good at foreign languages because of what again?

You put spores in my brain?

Yes!

Alright, well, that sounds a little invasive to me, but what am I, the ACLU?

Let's start the shift.

This is the Under Signal, the voice of freedom in the triad.

For many days now, Midnight Burger has been tearing a path of chaos through the systems as the Ted Empire struggles with damage control.

On the planet of Benejessica, Leaf of Midnight Burger puts the troubled planet on the path of energy independence.

This planet's energy grid was about as efficient as a canvas-topped submarine.

With these new schematics, you'll be able to stop importing fuel from the Teds and stand on your own two feet.

We love you, Leaf!

We love you!

Then, on the planet of Cariol 3, Dr.

Ava Maddox confronts the science priests of the High Temple of Moog.

Listen, guys, I'm not gonna lie, Science Priest is a pretty amazing title.

I'm kind of jealous.

But if you're gonna throw the word science in there without any actual scientific knowledge, let's consider the words of Kepler.

Before we go all in on this religion garbage, maybe we should, you know, try literally everything else.

I'm paraphrasing.

And warring factions of the planet of Fickinji were finally brought to the bargaining table by Midnight Burger's leader, Gloria, and peace was forged using a sacred earth tradition.

Look, you guys, the Teds have been funding both sides of this war for years.

Why don't we stop fighting and talk about who the real enemy is?

And remember, when all five dice are the same, you have to shout Yahtzee!

Now the entire triad waits with bated breath to see where the mysterious diner will appear next.

And when they do, will the Ted Empire finally have an opportunity to put an end to Midnight Burger's path of chaos that has inspired the downtrodden all across the system.

Stay tuned to The Under Signal, the voice of freedom in the triad, as the story develops.

Jesus, these people are hungry.

There's a line out the door.

I can't even see where it ends.

I just finished emergency inventory, and it's pretty Dickensian in the walk-in.

We're basically out of food.

We've only been been here an hour.

Why are they so hungry?

I don't know.

I can't understand a word they're saying.

This is what happens when you open the Rebellion Cafe.

Everyone wants to come here with their beret on.

Gloria, this ain't just a busy shift.

We can't understand a word these people are saying either, but their situation is dire.

Uh, we've been in a billion dire situations in the last two weeks, guys.

But this is something new.

Not just a dire situation, but what is the word?

Important, dear.

That's it, dear.

Thank you.

Portent, Gloria.

Whatever, guys.

Something important is to happen here.

It's so strong that I feel it myself.

There is a weight to this day.

A weight?

That's it, indeed.

I feel it is a day of a great sermon.

Yes, amen.

Guys, we're in the weeds here.

There's not going to be any time for Zebulon to give a sermon.

That is the puzzling bit, Gloria.

The sermon will not be given by us.

I'll do it.

You will not.

You don't think they want to hear a lecture on magnetars?

It's a barn burner.

I have Jo.

I need to understand what these people are saying.

Where's Shell?

I sent Shell outside to talk to people.

Maybe they can figure out what's going on.

Can you feel it coming together, my dear?

Oh, yes, husband.

Throngs of the hungry, seeking guidance.

All of them gathered together.

Their confusion, their only commonality.

Not to mention, it is a lovely day out.

It is sermon o'clock, dear, and we are late.

How might we contribute to this day of importance, I wonder?

Well, we've got the throngs of people.

We have an eagerness of guidance.

And we got the sunshine.

What else do we need?

Apostles.

I'll be an apostle.

No, you will not.

But I love flowing garments.

Perhaps not Paul and Mark and the rest, but a way to spread the good word far and wide.

I can spread the good word far and wide.

What did I just say?

Not in a Jesus way,

in a science way.

How do you mean, Ava?

Wow, these people are chatting.

Okay, everybody, huddle up.

It was hard to get them to talk to me.

They kept screaming and running away in fear.

I mean, seriously, am I really the only photosynthetic motherfucker in the galaxy?

Stop teaching Shell to curse!

Skills are important.

So, I stopped trying to talk to people, and I just stood really still.

Eventually, they mistook me for a bush, and they started yapping away.

Everyone, welcome to the planet Milanov.

They are big fans of you guys.

Such big fans that as soon as we started our war with the Teds, they shut down their warp gate in protest.

Oh, great.

This is what we were afraid of.

Apparently, this was a really bad idea.

Yeah, it was.

All their food comes from somewhere else, I guess.

What's the place that makes food?

A farm.

Right, there's none of those.

On the whole planet?

Is that bad?

Yes.

Also, basically, all they have on this planet are restaurants.

That's what we are, right?

The whole planet?

Yes.

People come here from other planets to eat at the restaurants and then go to something called a spa.

Shit.

It's a leisure planet.

It sounds excellent.

Except for the small detail of everyone starving.

This is exactly what I was talking about.

Don't start with me.

What the fuck were they thinking?

They shut off their only means of getting food.

What was their end game?

Sometimes you're too miserable to think about the end game.

That sounds familiar.

I said don't start with me.

On a related note, I just checked the calendar.

It's National Use, your Doomsday, Device Day, and I know a great way to celebrate.

That'll just make it worse.

Also, there's something floating in the parking lot.

Oh my god, Lee, if your ex is here.

Wait, what is this now?

What the hell is this?

It's a message drone.

You have one message.

Don't listen to it.

Play the message.

Oh, hey, Midnight Burger.

Ted Empire Calling.

I decided to leave you a little message on every planet just because I wanted to let you guys know that your highly publicized guerrilla warfare is...

Guess what?

Worthless.

I'm sure you guys think you're out there fighting the good fight, but you're basically congratulating yourselves for shooting an elephant with a rubber band.

But this is what I expect from you, Earthlings.

Your planet has not spent nearly enough time thinking about the futility of your actions.

Except for the Danish.

I mean,

they've really got the pointlessness of life nailed.

I mean, a bunch of existentially exhausted beans over there.

Oh, and by the way, this message has just pinged us with your location.

Better hope there's no dead ships in the area.

Okay, see you soon.

End of message.

Would you like to reply?

Reply.

I'm replying.

Telling them to fuck off isn't going to do anything.

What do you want me to do?

Beg for our lives?

The people on this planet are begging for their lives because of what we started.

You didn't ask anybody to starve themselves.

They're going to get all riled up like this planet has and then expect us to save them somehow.

Now we've shown up on a starving planet without any food.

This was bound to happen.

Leave, I'm taking Effie and Zebulon up to the roof.

Come with me and do science.

What?

I have an idea.

An idea about what?

Haven't you heard?

There's gonna be a sermon today.

What are you talking about?

Effie and Zebulon sets up.

Who are you?

I'm the person in the diner who's

You think this is a good time to say, I told you so?

I did tell you so, so

yes.

Would you like to reply?

What's going to happen to them?

They'll surrender eventually.

Probably get a heavy fine from the Teds.

It'll take a generation for them to pay it off.

But they'll be okay.

You didn't ask them to do this.

It was irrational of them.

You can't go up against these guys unless you have a plan.

Are you talking about them or me?

Look, I'm going to go in there, serve the last of our food, and apologize.

It's all we can do at this point.

Then what do we do?

Honestly,

after that,

I'm making a gun.

The fuck for, Lafe?

The Teds just got pinged with our location.

This could be the end of the road.

If they think I have a weapon, they might hesitate for a second.

Give us a chance to slip away.

What about the purple nurple?

Purple nullifier.

That only works once.

They'll have a plan for it next time.

So,

I'm making a plasma cannon.

It'll only have one shot, but they'll have to go into a standoff protocol, and that'll take some time.

Whatever.

We weren't going to be able to keep this up forever,

honestly, I'm surprised we made it this long.

I'll be on the roof.

Would you like to reply?

Gloria, Shell, you don't have to pretend to be a bush anymore.

I'm kind of enjoying it.

Ava calls it doing spy shit.

Okay, enjoy.

Kind of scares me when you and Lee fight.

I know, I'm sorry.

Yeah, we definitely do that.

So, what's the thing that isn't being said?

I don't know, Shell.

It's messy out here.

What's messy?

Out here.

All these planets, all these people, it's a mess.

It really is.

I feel like you've been trying to make some sense of it.

I've really appreciated that.

I don't know what I've been trying to do.

I knew what things were on my planet.

It was a lot simpler.

Sun coming up, good.

Lightning storm, Bad.

Things are a little different out here, though.

Something can be good, but is it, though?

Something can be bad, but have you considered this, that, and the other thing?

Maybe when you considered this, that, and the other thing, maybe the thing you thought was bad is actually good.

And that good thing you've been talking about is actually a total fucking disaster.

It's confusing.

But recently, you've been heading out into this uncertainty and you've been saying, hey, this is wrong and this is right and shut up about it.

And I've appreciated that.

It's

understandable.

Like the sunrise and the lightning storms.

It doesn't feel that way.

Hey, come here.

Get off the parking lot and put your feet on the dirt.

Why?

Just do it.

Okay.

What?

It's a shame they don't have farms on this planet.

The soil here is amazing.

You can't feel it, but I can.

All kinds of weird bacteria, complex nutrients, and don't even get me started on the mycelial network.

The what?

Mushrooms.

You like mushrooms, right?

Sure.

The mushroom is just the visible part.

Under a mushroom is a network of fungus strands that can run for miles, colonies of fungus all talking to each other.

When I stand here, they talk to me, too.

What's it saying?

I mean, not with words.

It's not a talking fungus.

I mean,

I can feel the whole planet.

And under the ground, underneath all the complexity and confusion and anger, something is working.

And it's working perfectly.

I wish I could feel that like you can.

The soil is just begging to have things planted in it.

I wonder how it got that way.

I guess from the people here not using it.

No,

it's more than that.

At first, I thought it was volcanoes.

Volcanoes make for great soil, but nothing this complicated.

It's.

Oh, wait.

Megafauna!

Whoa.

Who is that?

That's where the soil is coming from.

From this thing?

This must be a jarique.

It's the sacred animal of the Milanov.

People come from other planets to eat at the restaurants, go to whatever a spa is, and watch huge herds of jarik run by.

Huge herds?

Yeah,

there's some sort of story about how the jarik are the spirits of their ancestors or something.

How many are there?

I don't know.

They're all over the planet, though.

Nothing makes great soil like a big dumb animal crapping everywhere.

Really?

They're pretty adorable, huh?

There's something.

Good job, Shell.

Good job at what?

Would you like to reply?

Yes.

Begin message.

Oh, hi, Ted Empire.

This is Gloria.

Word of advice.

When you want to let someone know that what they're doing is insignificant, don't go out of your way to let them know they're insignificant.

Don't send them a, just to let you know, I'm totally over you message.

You're kind of showing your whole ass on that one.

Were you drunk when you sent this?

It is pretty adorable that you're trying to intimidate me.

But honestly, between the sexists, the racist, shitty tippers, and the guys screaming, go back to your country from their car to me, you're just the next asshole.

See you soon.

Thank you for using TED Message.

Look, I don't like riffing.

I like long and drawn-out equations.

I mean, I know the word theoretical is the first part of theoretical physicist, and that implies I'm gonna look for animal shapes in the clouds or whatever, but

I've always been more partial to the physicist part of theoretical physicist than the theoretical part.

Leave.

What?

I feel like I don't have your attention, and I hate that.

I'm listening.

I can do two things at once.

Okay.

So,

as you know, I'm an unraveler of mysteries.

Oh, yeah?

What is the diner and how does it work?

Don't sass me.

Sorry.

You're an unraveler of mysteries.

Yes.

Not the least of those mysteries is, of course, your friends and mine, Effie and Zebulon Mucklewain.

It's awfully nice up here.

People can't just talk out of a box.

And there's no such thing as a question without an answer.

So then,

what the fuck?

Okay.

So, I have several theories, but there is one particular theory that is currently sitting on my lap and I am stroking lovingly.

Great.

I still feel like I don't know what to do.

You have my attention.

Is this really the most important thing right now?

We have told him how

The people on this planet are starving.

We don't have any food, and the Teds are coming.

You want to talk about theoretical physics?

We would like to talk about an important day, Leif.

There will be a great message delivered.

And Ava, though we don't understand her particular divinations, has said she would like to help.

Which is a miracle all on its own.

Hey, I'm not getting out of this, am I?

You are not.

Okay.

You were saying.

Consciousness needs a complicated arrangement of atoms, right?

I guess.

But over my shoulder are a couple of conscious minds with no atoms.

Yeah.

So hear me out.

What if, instead of a complicated arrangement of atoms, it's a complicated arrangement of waves?

What are you saying?

A microwave.

You put your frozen burrito in a microwave, but you only have the microwaves coming from one direction.

What happens?

Nothing.

Right.

But multiple microwave emissions from multiple points all crossing each other at the point of your burrito, and what do you get?

Lunch.

Exactly.

You're saying that Effie and Zebulon's consciousness is a hot burrito?

Yes, except the product of the arrangement of waves is not a hot burrito, but in fact, a conscious mind.

That's insane.

I know.

Mad scientist thunder crash!

I thought you told me they were.

I feel uncomfortable talking about this in front of them.

Oh, they don't understand what we're talking about.

It's true, Leaf.

It's all gobbledygook to us.

See, I thought you told me their consciousness was fabricated by some sort of unknown entity.

I never said fabricated.

Effie and Zebulon Mucklewayne were real people.

They lived in Arkansas in 1925, and that's not them.

Well, by that logic, everyone's fabricated.

You were fabricated by the 3D printer in your mother's womb.

The ink in the printer was the genetic information from your mother and your father.

I'm assuming you're more than your genetic makeup?

Yes.

Effie and Zebulon were created based on two real people, but that's just where they started.

You can't just create a consciousness based on two people.

Uh, tell that to your mom.

That's what she did.

Okay, forget I asked.

At what point am I building something?

I don't need you to build something.

I just need an analysis of this planet's radio frequency traffic.

Why?

There's some sort of relationship between the Mucklewains and waves.

If they're made up of waveforms, then they can kind of, you know,

speak waveforms.

You're the only theorist I've ever met who says things like, kind of,

you know.

It's going to work, Lee.

What's going to work?

This planet's an advanced civilization.

They probably have communication satellites, right?

I guess.

If we can get the Mucklewanes to grab the right signal, we can broadcast to the entire planet.

What for?

Because there's gonna be a sermon, dude.

You don't care about the sermon.

You just wanna mess around with your toys.

What difference does it make?

Who put the snakes in your pants?

I don't have snakes in my pants.

I just don't understand why we're thinking about this right now.

Because it's an important day, lady.

You're right.

It is an important day.

It's the day we get caught by the Teds and thrown in deep cold storage.

Do you want me to tell you about deep cold storage?

Do not raise your voice to me, young man.

Laif.

The reason why you've been hemming and hawing for the past weeks is not because Gloria is doing the wrong thing, but because she's doing the right thing.

And we all know it.

And that stings a bit for you, Laif, because the right thing that she's doing is the thing you should have done a long time ago.

These oppressors who have been chasing us, they're no strangers to you, Laif.

But you chose not to oppose them and instead retreated into childish mayhem.

But now we see Gloria, ill-equipped though she may be, standing against them as you should have.

Leaf,

we understand that to look back and feel that another path should have been taken can be a harsh view to digest.

You may not approve of Gloria's actions, but can you hardly blame her?

She has faced down evil and prayed for mighty assistance, as we all should.

Even if it's pointless,

even if you suffer and it changes nothing, yes, Leif, even if that.

Who do you think you're talking to?

Sorry, guys.

I wish I could go with you on that.

Purity in the face of certain doom is

appealing, I guess.

But that's not me.

I spent the majority of my life with certain death right outside the airlock.

I survived things.

I've never really cared much how I survived them.

Well, you went and messed that up when you got yourself some friends.

Like one cannot be a creature of simple survival and a creature with loved ones for when you care for another you take on their dangers and complications it's dangerous to care for another life

but it's always worth a trade-off and the reason you're so upset is because you know i'm right

looks like there's all kinds of frequencies

one of them's got to be the global network of some kind Pick the strongest one, the one without any interference.

How about this one?

It sounds like a data stream.

Okay, cool.

Hey, guys, do you hear that sound?

We do.

It's a very unpleasant sound.

I know.

It's super annoying.

So,

how about you stop it?

Stop it?

Stop it?

How?

Like that.

Oh, shit.

Say something, guys.

What are we meant to say?

Oh,

they took over the signal.

I love it.

What does this mean, Ava?

It means what it usually means, that I am a genius.

They're talking to the whole planet right now.

What the hell?

Hey, guys, introduce yourselves to the whole planet.

Oh, my.

Well,

hello to everyone on this planet.

I'm Zebulon Mucklewayne, here with my wife, Effie.

Hi, y'all.

You want to give a sermon?

How's this for spreading the word?

Ava, this is quite something.

But we mentioned before, we would not be the ones to give the sermon today.

That would be by someone yet to be named.

That's step two.

Check it out.

Testing one, two, three.

Hey there, cats and kittens.

This is Ava coming to you live.

Sit back and relax while I recite the first 20,000 digits of high from memory.

That worked!

They're alive, Mike.

Holy shit!

To be sure and stay on this channel, folks.

Later today will be some sort of sermon by some such person.

We don't know who yet.

Frankly, I don't care who it is.

I was only trying to get this far for the sake of a physics thought experiment.

I was playing out in my head.

You know how it is.

Life!

Gloria, what's up?

Give me the gun.

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Okay, looks like the crowd is finally getting used to me.

Nothing like desperation to make you set aside your prejudice.

Am I right?

Are they all here?

Yeah, everyone who is standing in line is gathered in the parking lot.

Okay, good job.

Get into the crowd, and when I start talking, you translate as much as you can.

Okay.

Here it is.

One homemade particle accelerator.

Does this work the way I think it does?

Pretty much.

Have you ever shot a gun before?

No, but I was really good at buck hunting.

That'll work.

Remember, you've only got one shot, so make it count.

And don't forget, FE and Zebulon are a live global microphone now.

So you're talking to the whole planet.

What's the plan here?

You know what?

Never mind.

I wouldn't be surprised.

Also, what's up with the big dumb animal?

Are we doing pony rides?

Well, let us see here.

Throngs gathered for a speech.

A lovely day.

A time of need.

We continue to be right about many things, and they continue to doubt us.

Not unlike the apostles, if you don't mind me saying.

I don't mind one bit.

I am gonna be writing down a notion or two.

The book of Muckle Wayne.

Ah, that has a nice ring to it, dear.

Here goes nothing.

Everyone, everyone, listen up.

My name's Gloria, and I'm the manager of Midnight Burger.

As you may have heard, we have run out of food.

I know, we're sorry, there's just too many many of you to feed.

We're good, but we're not that good.

Sometimes things get hard, and when things get hard, the choices you have to make get even harder.

I apologize for the choice you're all going to have to make.

Shell?

Yeah.

Don't look.

Oh boy.

Holy Ernest Hemingway!

Oh, they are not happy.

Everyone, listen to me.

Listen!

I'm told you believe these animals are the spirits of your ancestors.

If that's true, would your ancestors want to watch you starve?

This planet made a choice to change things.

Decisions like that are followed by even harder decisions.

This is your next one.

You may not like it, it may feel wrong, but if you come back four hours from now, everybody eats.

It's up to you.

Talk amongst yourselves.

So that's a no on the pony rides, then?

I think they'd rather eat us at this point.

It was my decision, guys.

You don't have to own it, okay?

We stand with you, Gloria.

It's super gross, but I have no choice but to support a decision this hardcore.

Hey, guys.

Really looking forward to suppressing all my memories of this day.

We're switching over to buffet service.

You guys go inside and set up some steamer trays.

Effie and Zeb, stay with me.

Come on, Shell.

Let's go inside and act like we're helping.

Okay.

Somebody had to do it.

Did I?

I don't even know if this thing is edible.

There's only one way to find out, Gloria.

Right.

Here we go.

Oh, yeah.

All sorts of smells.

You're quite skilled at dispatching this beast, Gloria.

Thanks.

My

Awello taught me.

Of course, that was a goat.

Not something the size of a

Lincoln-Town car.

One more inch, and the insides are gonna be on the outside.

Yeah,

here they

come.

Well, now

that's

not all so foreign, is it?

No, you got the usual insides.

Two livers, though.

Yes.

There's not enough onions in all of Georgia to fry up all those livers.

Okay, this is what we're working with.

Let me talk to Effie and Zebulon, the pig farmers, for a second.

We're right here.

What do we think of this guy?

Well, I'll tell you right now, I'm having some impure thoughts about those haunches and those shoulders.

You're forgiven.

But you'd need at least a day and a night to get those to taste like something.

And time is of the essence.

Gloria, what is that thing you do when you grill it and then slice it?

Gardney asada?

That's it.

Not a bad idea.

I could cook it fast.

I just need to be able to butcher it fast enough.

But first, I'm going to get upwind of this thing because, wow, that's a stink.

You could feed a whole congregation with this one animal, don't you think, dear?

Indeed.

All I'm doing right now is thinking about the sausage.

Oh, yes.

Lovely sausage.

It is a blessing, this animal.

You've truly discovered something here, Gloria.

This is nice.

I never get to talk about this stuff.

It's always Leif and Ava arguing about quarks or whatever.

What's funny?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm on an alien planet.

There's three moons in the sky, and I'm here just trying to feed as many people as I can.

It's all the same stuff in the end, isn't it?

Yes.

We are far afield from our home, and yet, no matter how far our journey, it's all still surprisingly human, isn't it?

Hey, Gloria, I wanted to...

Whoo!

God, that's disgusting.

What did you think would happen, Leif?

A bunch of perfect round patties were going to spill out?

No, no, I understand.

Oh, that's just a lot of insides on the outside, is all.

What do you need?

Nothing.

I just.

We keep arguing, and I keep apologizing.

And I wanted to apologize again and say that the arguing is going to stop.

Maybe not the apologizing, but definitely the arguing.

Okay.

The Teds scare the shit out of me.

I hate to admit it.

And here you are,

a cook from Arizona, and they're scared of you.

It's amazing.

And if you can figure out how to cook this thing and pull another shift out of the fire

legendary stuff, Gloria.

Thanks, Laife.

So,

to apologize,

I brought you this laser saw.

I never really had a use for it, but it looked too awesome for me to throw away.

It should cut through the bow really easily.

Anyway, just pull the trigger and start cutting.

Thanks, Laf.

How are we looking in there?

We're ready to fuck them up.

Okay.

Everybody eats.

Effie, I have to say it has been a pleasure these last few hours sharing our words and music with this world entire.

It is a lovely place they have here, husband.

It's been so moving to see them fight for it so hard.

Now, if you've been listening in around the world, you know that we've all been waiting for Gloria to unveil the wonderful repast she's been preparing.

Before we do that, husband, I feel that there may be many in this land who feel reticence in turning these sacred beasts into sustenance.

Of course.

And such a feeling is understandable.

I won't pretend to understand the importance of these creatures to the people of this land, but I can tell you this.

You see these herds of animals that roam the hills and valleys as the spirits of your ancestors.

And I can tell you that if it were me

and I were a soul who had passed into the beyond, I would consider it a privilege to be able to make one last sacrifice for those that I left behind.

As would I, dear, but all of you listening at home, we can't make this decision for you.

All we can do is show you a way forward and hope that the decisions you make can feel right in the eyes of your God.

Or gods, or however y'all do it here.

It looks fantastic.

Thanks, Lee.

Would it be rude to eat before all the starving people?

Yes, Ava.

Ah, bummer.

Guys, thanks so much for not making me touch any of this stuff.

I'm sure it's an accomplishment, but it looks pretty gross.

Vegans, am I right?

What's a vegan?

Your worst nightmare, Shell.

None of them are eating it yet.

What are they waiting for?

Gloria, perhaps they need a bit more convincing.

Perhaps someone should stand before them, make a bit of a speech, convince them there is nothing to fear.

You mean like a sermon?

I did not say sermon.

Did you say sermon, dear?

I did not say sermon, dear.

I don't even know what you mean by that.

Fine, who's doing it?

It's all you.

I'm not doing it.

Why is it me?

Because you're the boss.

Fine.

Fine.

Okay, Shell, get into the crowd and start translating.

Here we go.

Everyone?

Everyone, can I have your attention?

I know this is a strange day for you.

I appreciate you showing up at all, so

on my home planet, there's this thing called top ramen.

It's dried noodles and a packet of flavoring.

It's not very good for you, but it's food, and you can get them for 50 cents each.

It's not a lot where I'm from.

I never ate it at all that much myself, but it was always nice knowing it was there.

You knew you were never going to starve because of a cheap package of dried noodles always waiting for you at any store.

It's nice.

What A lot of people don't know is that the reason why there's dirt cheap noodles at any store is because one day,

a long time ago, two nuclear bombs were detonated on an island called Japan.

Thousands of people died in an instant, and in the aftermath, thousands more were going to die of sickness and starvation.

But one man had an idea to send bricks of dry noodles with a packet of flavoring to anyone who was hungry.

They knew they weren't going to starve.

On the island of Jamaica, they cook chicken in a way that doesn't make any smoke.

They do that because a long time ago, they were enslaved, and the smoke would have alerted the slavers, and they would then be running for their lives.

Zebulon, why do Jewish people eat unleavened bread?

Because they too were enslaved.

When word came from Moses that it was time to to flee captivity in the night, they had no time to wait for their bread to rise.

So, to this day, the flatbread is a reminder of that flight from their oppressor.

For me,

when I cook with corn, beans, and squash, it's called the tres hermanas.

The same way my ancestors cooked thousands of years ago.

My ancestors who were nearly wiped out by foreign invaders.

Show me your plate,

and I'll tell you a sad, sad story.

Your sad story begins today.

The day you had to turn to the spirits of your ancestors to keep you alive while you were just trying to do the right thing and leave a better life for your children.

I can't make you eat this food.

It's your story, not mine.

So, Zebulon's going to say a prayer, and then you're all going to make a choice.

It's up to you.

Bless us, O Lord.

Bless our food and our drink.

Since you redeemed us so dearly and delivered us from evil,

as you gave us a share in this food,

so may you give us a share in eternal life.

And

now we wait.

You couldn't have made it more plain.

You literally served it to them on a platter.

Hey, Gloria, that was a great speech.

Thanks, Shell.

So, eating isn't just a gross thing you do with your face.

It's also a story.

It is, absolutely.

Okay.

I still don't feel like I'm missing out, but I get it now.

Good.

Now, can I eat the big animal?

You're going to have to get in line.

Check it out.

They're eating.

You did it.

It worked.

Yeah, I'm not standing in that line.

Holy shit, it fucking worked.

God damn.

Eat shit, Ted Empire.

They're going to be okay.

Guys, Guys,

I want to apologize.

I was kind of a dick today,

but I've worked all of it out of my system.

I would also like to apologize for nothing.

It was a banner day for me, and I performed perfectly.

Here's to me.

Zabulon, what is it, dear?

We're too late.

What's that in the sky?

Where?

Up there.

Maybe it's just some planes or something of three planes heading right for us shit life

what are they i'm sorry guys

they found us

everybody inside move swamp

who's got epi and zebulon i got them

how long until we jump too long so this is it Yeah.

Yeah, this is it, guys.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

What does that mean?

Okay, Shell, listen to me.

I'm going to need you to get out of here, okay?

What?

What are you talking about?

They're not looking for you.

They're looking for us.

They're not coming in.

You said so yourself.

The soil is great here, and you speak the language.

They'll come in.

I'm not leaving you guys.

You have to.

What did it say?

Shell, Gloria is right.

You need to get gone before it's too late.

We'll be fine, Shell.

Spatial anomaly detected.

Can't be us.

It's too early.

You need to stay alive for your people, remember?

Is that what's going to happen?

They're going to kill you?

Hang on.

Something's happening.

I see it.

There.

The fuck is that?

Is it coming towards us?

Vladimir's tape recorder.

Do we still have it?

What?

Why?

Do we have it?

It's behind the counter.

What for?

This is a very strange feeling.

It's definitely coming towards us.

What is that thing?

Everybody, come here.

Leave, grab the radio.

Everybody, hang on to each other.

Ava, what's happening?

Don't let go of each other.

Do you have a plan?

I don't have a plan.

Somebody else does.

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Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all.

Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens.

Just remember, we're out there, somewhere, looking for you.

We open at six.

The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish.

It's time to let it in.

The house is dark.

Its floors are aged.

Its windows broken.

I hear sounds outside my room and on the stairs.

On the floors above and below me.

Sometimes beneath my very bed.

In this house, you never quite feel

like yourself.

I'd rather die with my self than live without it.

And if that's what need happens, so be it.

In this house, it hurts to breathe.

And you wish more than anything that you would stop breathing.

At all.

What have I to fear of myself?

Haemophobia, Season 2:

House of Actors.

Coming May 28th.