Chapter 13: Return of the Mack

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Speaker 11 Previously on Midnight Burger, Gloria is in charge.

Speaker 10 Because Casper is

Speaker 3 somewhere?

Speaker 8 Is this one of those we're trying to break his spirit things, or is this a

Speaker 8 we're waiting for the guy with the keys?

Speaker 17 And it seems the diner is trapped in a terrifying place called

Speaker 18 the present.

Speaker 19 Our time-traveling, dimension-spanning diner is no longer traveling through time or

Speaker 21 through dimensions. Oh, snap!

Speaker 5 A prison break. Who's here, Casper?

Speaker 7 I don't fucking know. Is this a rescue attempt? Seriously?

Speaker 10 On a completely unrelated note, hey, remember that time the diner was attacked by that android who could pretend to be everybody's ex?

Speaker 2 Where's Casper? Well,

Speaker 8 good thing we're not gonna see her ever again. Am I right?

Speaker 3 Okay, let's start the shift.

Speaker 15 So,

Speaker 14 where are we headed?

Speaker 23 Not sure.

Speaker 10 If you're taking me somewhere to kill me, the void of space is right outside. We could take care of this right now.

Speaker 23 I'm not going to kill you.

Speaker 18 Okay.

Speaker 10 What are you going to do?

Speaker 23 Not sure.

Speaker 10 You know, you were not on the list of people that I thought might rescue me.

Speaker 23 Really?

Speaker 18 Yes.

Speaker 23 Who was on the list?

Speaker 10 Honestly, there wasn't even a list.

Speaker 10 Well,

Speaker 21 surprise!

Speaker 18 Yeah.

Speaker 23 you had a name for me.

Speaker 10 We did

Speaker 23 the X. The universal embodiment of all X's.
Right. That's silly.
I'm not that, you know.

Speaker 23 What are you then? Well, I don't know what I am. I know what I was.
I was an object created with a purpose.

Speaker 5 Which was?

Speaker 23 To find you and confront you about leaving your wife.

Speaker 10 You're an android who can travel travel through space-time and dimensions, and your sole purpose is to confront me about leaving my wife.

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 10 Why in the world would someone create you?

Speaker 23 Oh, you'd have to ask your wife if she made me.

Speaker 22 My wife made you.

Speaker 23 Yes.

Speaker 10 My wife was an accountant.

Speaker 23 Well, in your native timeline, your wife was a CPA. In my native timeline, your wife was the most brilliant scientist Earth had ever seen.

Speaker 23 She changed the planet with her ideas, saved it from destruction.

Speaker 10 That doesn't sound like her.

Speaker 23 Privately, she was obsessed with you. Specifically, how she was able to save an entire planet, but not a marriage.

Speaker 10 That sounds more like her.

Speaker 23 You had disappeared. So she created me to find you, confront you about leaving her, and then report back.

Speaker 23 But in her rage, she made me incredibly powerful and was not specific enough with her directives.

Speaker 23 So to complete my task, I had to confront every iteration of you in every timeline before I could return to her.

Speaker 7 That's a lot of me's.

Speaker 23 It's infinite use, Casper.

Speaker 23 It's an impossible task, but I would have continued until I ceased to function.

Speaker 23 It was your friends who finally stopped me.

Speaker 23 That was nice of them.

Speaker 10 How many me's had you confronted before you got to me?

Speaker 23 11,386,391.

Speaker 23 Oh my god! It was a lot.

Speaker 10 That's too many me's.

Speaker 23 And you know what? Every version of you was miserable.

Speaker 23 I was amazed by the consistency of their misery in the timeline. Your misery may be the most consistent thing in the multiverse.

Speaker 10 Well, that's on brand.

Speaker 22 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 6 It's okay.

Speaker 23 I'm free now.

Speaker 22 I can't even imagine.

Speaker 23 You were also a woman in a high percentage of timelines. Also, one time, a lionfish.

Speaker 23 It was funny.

Speaker 10 That sounds like a nightmare.

Speaker 23 It's all right. I'm an android, Casper.
I don't feel things the way you do.

Speaker 3 And then we just left you there.

Speaker 23 Yes.

Speaker 10 In Kentucky?

Speaker 23 Yes.

Speaker 10 In 1934?

Speaker 23 You may not be surprised to hear that when the residents of 1934 Harlan County, Kentucky, encounter an unconscious, artificial woman, they have a negative reaction to it.

Speaker 7 Oh god, what did they do?

Speaker 23 They threw me in a river. Brownie's Creek, they called it.

Speaker 10 They threw you in a river?

Speaker 23 Actually, it was quite nice.

Speaker 23 Peaceful.

Speaker 23 I

Speaker 23 sunk to the bottom, but it wasn't that deep, so you could still see the sun rise and set as the days went by.

Speaker 21 Days?

Speaker 23 As the years went by.

Speaker 23 Casper.

Speaker 23 The fishing boats that passed over me slowly became motorized, churning the water.

Speaker 23 I watched them build a bridge over me, hammering and digging. In the middle of the day, the workers would dangle their feet just above me and talk about the world.

Speaker 23 They talked about a war and the surprising progress that followed, and about how the land they were born in was quickly becoming foreign to them.

Speaker 23 They would toss pebbles in the river and they would land around my body.

Speaker 23 One night they came to the bridge to drink and fight and talk about sports. They tossed their cans in the river and I watched them float away.

Speaker 23 One of them got very drunk and swore when he looked in the river, he could see me.

Speaker 23 They all called him crazy.

Speaker 23 When they finished

Speaker 23 their bridge,

Speaker 23 I was alone again.

Speaker 18 A year of complete

Speaker 18 silence.

Speaker 23 Then one day I saw two yellow eyes peering at me from within the murky water. Something

Speaker 18 covered in armor that had frightening jaws.

Speaker 23 They called it a snapping turtle. It hid in the rocks near me and my body reflected light and attracted fish and it would wait in the darkness and snap at them when they approached.

Speaker 23 It was obviously there for the fish but I like to imagine that it was protecting me as I lay there paralyzed.

Speaker 23 It was my first friend.

Speaker 23 While the moss slowly covered my body, I began to rebuild my central processor from the beginning. It's difficult for a thing to fix itself.
There were many failures.

Speaker 23 When I finally emerged from the creek, covered in mud and a moss tree roots wrapped around me, it was 1963.

Speaker 23 I didn't have much of my previous programming left, but I still had the ability to find you, my last target.

Speaker 23 I peered forward in this timeline and saw that you were a prisoner, so I leapt forward in time, stole a ship, and broke you out.

Speaker 25 You laid at the bottom of a creek for 30 years.

Speaker 23 Yes.

Speaker 10 Most people would emerge from that creek hating me.

Speaker 23 I'm not a person.

Speaker 23 Well,

Speaker 10 thank you for rescuing me.

Speaker 23 You're welcome.

Speaker 10 So what now?

Speaker 23 That's up to you.

Speaker 10 What do you mean?

Speaker 23 I need your your help. In exchange for your help, I'll take you anywhere you want to go.
Knowing you, that will either be go back home or find the diner. It's up to you.

Speaker 10 You couldn't have shown up before I was kidnapped?

Speaker 23 I could have, but a prison break sounded fun.

Speaker 10 You let me go through all that because a prison break sounded fun.

Speaker 23 You don't get to choose the way you're saved, Casper. Where's the poetry in that?

Speaker 10 Well, then take me back to before I was kidnapped.

Speaker 23 No, for two reasons. One, when I travel through space and time, I can't take anyone with me.
And two, for some reason, when I arrived in your current time, my powers were halted.

Speaker 23 I can no longer travel temporarily. I don't know why.

Speaker 9 Right.

Speaker 10 The wind chimes.

Speaker 23 What?

Speaker 10 The Teds, they built some sort of thing that's trapping the diner here. No more time travel.
I guess that applies to you, too.

Speaker 23 I see.

Speaker 10 And since they're after the diner,

Speaker 10 we should try and find them before the Teds do, so it looks like I'm not going home.

Speaker 23 You weren't going to go home anyway. How do you know? Because I've been inside your head, Casper.
There's very little I don't know about you.

Speaker 18 Fantastic.

Speaker 10 You said you needed my help. What could I possibly help you with?

Speaker 23 You're going to help me become human.

Speaker 10 That sounds like fairy godmother territory. I don't know about that.

Speaker 23 Not magically transform me. You're going to help me understand

Speaker 23 humanity so I can

Speaker 23 be it.

Speaker 10 You seem pretty human to me, aside from the indestructible time traveler party.

Speaker 23 I appreciate that, but that's because I constructed this persona. I've been inside the minds of millions of people, and I created myself based on all of them.
When I laugh, it's someone else's laugh.

Speaker 23 My smile is borrowed. None of it is me.

Speaker 23 It's funny.

Speaker 23 When you don't know who you are, it works out really well for other people. You can just be whoever they want you to be.

Speaker 19 Isn't there someone else you'd rather be talking to right now?

Speaker 19 Come on, Casper.

Speaker 19 Don't you want to argue with me? Yell at me for ruining everything?

Speaker 19 Justify the things you've done.

Speaker 26 What else would you like to do?

Speaker 10 Stop doing that.

Speaker 18 Sorry.

Speaker 23 My point is, I can be whatever you want me to be or whatever you don't want me to be. But what is

Speaker 18 me?

Speaker 10 You've been inside the minds of millions of people. You don't know what it is to be human.

Speaker 23 Being inside someone's head isn't the font of information you think it is. Every human being is an ocean of subjectivity.
You believe when you see the world that you're getting information.

Speaker 23 But what a human does is take in information and then tell itself a story.

Speaker 23 A shepherd stands in a field at night and looks at the night sky.

Speaker 23 He sees a falling star streak across the horizon and then disappear, but he doesn't know what a shooting star is, so he tells himself a story about gods falling from the sky.

Speaker 23 You're amazing storytellers, especially the stories you tell yourself.

Speaker 23 But it's not truth. It's all a fiction on some level.
That's why I'm here with you. I need to learn how to tell the story of myself.

Speaker 10 Well, that's a fascinating sentiment, but I'm not sure I'm a good candidate for figuring all that out.

Speaker 23 You're the perfect candidate. You're the oldest human I know.
You have the most experience.

Speaker 10 I'm no spring chicken, but I'm not that old.

Speaker 23 Casper, I've been inside your head.

Speaker 5 So?

Speaker 5 Oh

Speaker 5 you

Speaker 23 you don't know

Speaker 23 what

Speaker 23 um

Speaker 23 do you remember what Ava calls the diner uh something like a shifting point of null entropy yes null entropy

Speaker 23 no decay

Speaker 10 so

Speaker 23 did you think you would age while you worked there

Speaker 23 uh oh

Speaker 27 How old are you?

Speaker 23 You are 173 years old if you add up all the days.

Speaker 10 That can't be right. Ava would have picked up on that.

Speaker 23 Laif, Ava, Gloria, they all came into your life very late, comparatively. They've only been there a few years.

Speaker 23 Casper,

Speaker 23 you lived an entire lifetime in the diner before they showed up.

Speaker 23 I'm sure you've recall the feeling. You walked into an abandoned diner, turned on the radio, and then the days rolled

Speaker 23 into one another.

Speaker 23 It's much harder to mark the passage of time with no one around.

Speaker 23 I'm not sure why. That's another thing I'd like to learn about how other people create time.

Speaker 23 Need a minute?

Speaker 10 Apparently, I've had plenty.

Speaker 23 Don't freak out. Compared to most things, you're still just a kid.
I don't feel wise. Good.
People who think themselves wise are the real idiots.

Speaker 10 That sounds familiar.

Speaker 23 I got it from you. See what I mean? Bits and pieces of other people.

Speaker 21 No real me.

Speaker 18 You can help.

Speaker 25 Okay, fine.

Speaker 10 If you say so.

Speaker 26 How about this?

Speaker 23 The Teds know we're in this ship, so we should probably ditch it for another one. That'll take a day or two.
By then, you should be recovered from learning that you're as old as a Bible character.

Speaker 29 Okay?

Speaker 12 Yeah,

Speaker 12 okay.

Speaker 23 This will be fun. A dramatic hunt across three galaxies.

Speaker 30 It feels

Speaker 21 human.

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Speaker 16 Good evening, Mom.

Speaker 15 What's your poison?

Speaker 27 Hey.

Speaker 14 Um

Speaker 14 What can you make?

Speaker 13 I have 11,361 recipes.

Speaker 30 Any of those recipes? A margarita?

Speaker 13 One margarita coming right up.

Speaker 32 Wow.

Speaker 22 Okay. You're making a mistake.

Speaker 19 Am I?

Speaker 22 I'm afraid so.

Speaker 30 Because I'm trusting a robot to make me a drink?

Speaker 8 Because you're ordering a margarita.

Speaker 18 So what? I've been around.

Speaker 22 I've never met a bartender that can make a good margarita.

Speaker 30 You don't look like the type that would know a good margarita.

Speaker 22 I don't.

Speaker 17 No.

Speaker 10 I'll have you know I've been to Earth.

Speaker 20 I've had the real thing. Oh, yeah?

Speaker 22 Where'd you go? It's a place called TGI Fridays.

Speaker 22 Best place to go.

Speaker 12 Really?

Speaker 29 Oh,

Speaker 20 yeah.

Speaker 22 They also have these things called jalapeno puppers.

Speaker 22 See, the jalapeno is something that's hot, but on purpose.

Speaker 33 It's not poison.

Speaker 34 Yeah,

Speaker 30 I know what it is.

Speaker 33 You do?

Speaker 22 Wait a minute. Are you an Earthling?

Speaker 20 In fact, I am.

Speaker 22 Oh, so you're just having some fun with me.

Speaker 34 It was fun. One margarita.

Speaker 14 Enjoy. Thank you.

Speaker 21 Oh,

Speaker 14 look.

Speaker 23 A pineapple wedge.

Speaker 30 Always a good sign.

Speaker 7 Don't say I didn't warn you.

Speaker 18 Yeah, that's real bad.

Speaker 17 See, I'm telling you.

Speaker 18 T-G-I-Fridays.

Speaker 22 Have you heard of a place called Akron?

Speaker 30 You need to stop talking about Earth. You don't sound good.

Speaker 22 So you tell tell me, where's the best margarita?

Speaker 30 At my ex-boyfriend's mother's house.

Speaker 21 Ex-boyfriend? Yeah.

Speaker 22 Interesting.

Speaker 7 How'd you get off-world?

Speaker 30 Well, I heard the Mexican food sucks out here, so I thought I'd open my own place.

Speaker 22 I don't know. I dabble in the restaurant business.
A lot of people and a lot of systems have tried and failed to make authentic Mexican food.

Speaker 30 Yeah, but I'm an authentic Mexican, so...

Speaker 17 What's your name?

Speaker 30 What's yours?

Speaker 22 Minsky.

Speaker 30 Nice to meet you, Minsky.

Speaker 24 I'm going back over to my friends now.

Speaker 22 But we're just getting started.

Speaker 20 You are.

Speaker 19 Where's Gloria?

Speaker 12 She wanted to order a drink at the bar. I think she's putting the vibe out there.

Speaker 19 What does that mean? You know.

Speaker 12 The vibe.

Speaker 19 Gloria's trying to have sex with an alien?

Speaker 12 Don't say it like that.

Speaker 21 You'll just freak her out. So what?

Speaker 12 I think she deserves to have a little fun.

Speaker 12 It's why we're here tonight.

Speaker 35 Certainly these excursions for our little family are a wonderful gesture, Leaf, but our surroundings are...

Speaker 35 how to describe it?

Speaker 36 We weren't expecting you to take us to a moonshine shack lately.

Speaker 5 It's not as bad as it looks.

Speaker 19 Are people gonna think it's weird that we brought our own radio to the nightclub?

Speaker 12 All kinds of weird things happen here. It's no big deal.

Speaker 35 You speak the truth, Leaf.

Speaker 35 That one over there looks like a candied ham.

Speaker 36 Dearest, that one there looks like he's on fire.

Speaker 12 He is on fire.

Speaker 19 And where is here exactly?

Speaker 21 Red's rectangle.

Speaker 12 We're in a nebula. Hard to find if you don't know where to look, so it attracts a particular element.

Speaker 19 A particular criminal element?

Speaker 29 Yeah.

Speaker 9 So,

Speaker 36 your element life?

Speaker 18 Guys.

Speaker 35 First,

Speaker 35 So many lairs to this onion.

Speaker 19 You hear that? You're an onion.

Speaker 12 I just did what anyone in my position would do. I made choices under duress, okay?

Speaker 19 Which character from The Godfather are you quoting right now?

Speaker 12 It's not like I enjoyed it or anything.

Speaker 19 But I'm fascinated. Like, how do you go from physics engineer to pretty boy Floyd?

Speaker 12 You would have too.

Speaker 14 Look,

Speaker 12 I told you the story. I found dark matter on Earth.
First guy to ever do that, by the way.

Speaker 12 I found it, collected it, put it in a bottle, and lit a lamp with it.

Speaker 1 First guy ever.

Speaker 19 Bragging is my job.

Speaker 12 Then the Teds show up.

Speaker 12 They feed me a line about how this invention of mine is too much too soon. The Earth's immature populace would misuse my invention and turn it into a weapon.
So to save Earth,

Speaker 12 I agreed. Anyone would have taken that deal.

Speaker 19 They didn't ask me.

Speaker 7 I get out here into the system.

Speaker 12 I'm working as a cook. Things are going great.
I'm a galactic drifter. It's a persona.
I'm living it.

Speaker 12 Didn't take me too long to realize that the whole time, the Teds were feeding me a lie.

Speaker 12 They weren't scared my invention would destroy Earth.

Speaker 12 They had other plans.

Speaker 19 What do the Teds have to gain by keeping Earth in the Dark Ages?

Speaker 12 Hey, bartender, can you put it on Earth-1 for a second?

Speaker 15 Sure thing, Leigh.

Speaker 38 Coming up next on Earth-1, more non-stop laughs from your favorite planet full of hot messes. At 800, it's the British Parliament.

Speaker 38 Watch one of the smallest countries on the planet pretend it still rules the world. Then, at 850, it's the New York City public transportation system.

Speaker 38 New York has all the money in the world, but it's not on the two-train. Then at 900, Saudi Arabia.
Watch them be terrible to basically everybody while the whole world turns a blind eye.

Speaker 12 That's enough.

Speaker 19 Oh my god.

Speaker 19 We're a reality show?

Speaker 12 We're a network of reality shows, and it's wildly popular.

Speaker 12 It's the most popular thing in three galaxies.

Speaker 19 The Teds have kept Earth in the Dark Ages because it's funnier. Yes.
Holy shit, Lee.

Speaker 12 Feel like doing crimes Kind of. I wasted my life so that some alien race could get good ratings.

Speaker 16 After that,

Speaker 12 I stopped being a cook and I started working for Loaf Tracks.

Speaker 19 Who is Loaf Trax?

Speaker 14 A pirate.

Speaker 19 A space pirate?

Speaker 12 Leaf tracks. They're real? Well,

Speaker 30 that was enlightening.

Speaker 34 How'd it go? I was just chatted up at the bar by a very attractive alien.

Speaker 23 Still got it.

Speaker 19 Congratulations.

Speaker 21 See?

Speaker 12 What did I tell you? We needed a night out.

Speaker 20 So, Laife, talk to me.

Speaker 21 How does this work?

Speaker 12 How does what

Speaker 20 work?

Speaker 20 You know.

Speaker 18 This.

Speaker 30 Situations like these, how does.

Speaker 30 You know.

Speaker 32 It

Speaker 18 work.

Speaker 19 Mucklewains, cover your ears. We're about to talk about alien banging.

Speaker 35 Whoa, perhaps we should have stayed back at the diner.

Speaker 36 Yes, dear, though.

Speaker 35 How does it work? Honey?

Speaker 36 We can't very well say that something is sinful if we don't know exactly what it is we speak of. If God did not appreciate our questioning, we'd still be stuck in the old church of Rome, dear.

Speaker 17 Now let's just listen in. What are you worried about?

Speaker 20 What am I worried about?

Speaker 30 Let's see, um, everything.

Speaker 7 This person at the bar.

Speaker 12 They're into you. You're into them?

Speaker 32 What's the problem?

Speaker 11 Don't play dumb with me.

Speaker 21 You know what the problem is. Do I?

Speaker 20 He's from another planet, Lafe.

Speaker 24 Gloria,

Speaker 33 I'm going to need you to say the words.

Speaker 30 Teach me to have sex with an alien, Life.

Speaker 19 Such a long way from Phoenix.

Speaker 39 Congratulations.

Speaker 12 You've taken your first step into a wider multiverse.

Speaker 30 I need you to not enjoy this too much. I'll try.

Speaker 12 Let's go over some basics.

Speaker 12 First,

Speaker 12 get yourself in the right headspace. Stop saying the word alien.

Speaker 17 Why? Look around.

Speaker 29 We're all aliens.

Speaker 12 Why separate one thing from another? All God's creatures under the sun, right, Mucklewains?

Speaker 40 That's true.

Speaker 36 That's very true, say dear.

Speaker 37 Uh,

Speaker 35 give me a moment to consult scripture.

Speaker 12 Secondly, and I'm sorry to make it weird, how do you know that was a man at the bar?

Speaker 20 Fucking hell!

Speaker 12 Maybe their race doesn't have men and women. Maybe they don't have genders at all.
Maybe they've got men, women, and some third thing.

Speaker 29 Don't worry about it.

Speaker 30 I'm a traditional girl, Leif.

Speaker 20 I hear you.

Speaker 12 But whose traditions are we talking about? There's a lot of them around here. I'm just saying, once you get out here, it's not as cut and dried as Captain Kirk and a green lady.

Speaker 19 Leaf dated an orb one time.

Speaker 14 An orb?

Speaker 12 I asked you not to use the word orb.

Speaker 19 But they were an orb, Leaf. They were a floating orb.

Speaker 12 They were a spherical entity.

Speaker 19 That floated. A floating orb.

Speaker 20 A fucking orb, Leaf?

Speaker 19 What was the orb's name?

Speaker 12 Zizza 9, Zizza, Fizzza, Zizza.

Speaker 11 Wu-Tang! How did that work?

Speaker 16 Don't worry about it.

Speaker 12 Look, the important thing is that there's two people at the bar, and they're into each other.

Speaker 12 What follows is a frank conversation with your chosen partner for the evening, and then a fun trip to that vending machine right there.

Speaker 30 What happens at the vending machine?

Speaker 12 It's like going to Europe. You just need the right adapter.

Speaker 19 Don't get the wrong adapter. You could fry your curling iron.
If you know what I mean.

Speaker 30 Okay, I think I'm out.

Speaker 9 Yes, dear.

Speaker 36 I believe I may have stayed too long at the fair in this conversation. I have regrets.

Speaker 35 Well, now you've got me thinking, dear.

Speaker 42 Now, I'm at Matthew 7, 17.

Speaker 36 Oh, yes.

Speaker 36 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit.

Speaker 36 Suppose it matters not how strangely shaped or

Speaker 40 spherical

Speaker 36 said tree would be.

Speaker 42 Then I am over at Psalm 139, 13.

Speaker 36 For you created my inmost being. You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Speaker 35 Which

Speaker 36 brings us to Galatians.

Speaker 35 There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there

Speaker 35 male and female,

Speaker 35 for you are all one in Christ Jesus. So,

Speaker 36 so

Speaker 35 then,

Speaker 35 yes, then

Speaker 36 scripture says that

Speaker 35 it says that for Laith to love up

Speaker 40 fear

Speaker 36 is approved by Jesus.

Speaker 35 It would seem so. Hmm.
Hmm.

Speaker 35 Don't add a wedlock. No, no.

Speaker 35 That is where we draw the line.

Speaker 13 Laith, your box is ready.

Speaker 32 Thanks.

Speaker 19 What is that?

Speaker 16 Nothing.

Speaker 12 Just some stuff I left here a while back.

Speaker 19 Some stuff?

Speaker 12 Yeah, it's some stuff, you know. No big deal.

Speaker 19 What's in the box, Leif?

Speaker 13 Nothing.

Speaker 21 Don't worry about it.

Speaker 19 You're saying don't worry about it a lot tonight. It's making me worry about it.

Speaker 12 I've got stuff stashed all over the place.

Speaker 19 I'm opening the box.

Speaker 43 No. Please speak security phrase.

Speaker 19 Security phrase?

Speaker 17 Don't worry about it.

Speaker 23 Oh, shit. He's coming over here.

Speaker 12 All right, here we go.

Speaker 29 Oh,

Speaker 12 shit. What? Dumb fucking luck.

Speaker 20 You know him?

Speaker 21 Leaf?

Speaker 25 You fucking idiot.

Speaker 18 Leaf,

Speaker 12 buddy.

Speaker 7 Have you been? Minsky?

Speaker 30 You two know each other?

Speaker 22 Oh, Leif and I go way back. Isn't that right, Leaf?

Speaker 19 Oh my god, is this a space pirate? I thought he'd be swarthier.

Speaker 32 He's not a pirate.

Speaker 17 He's worse.

Speaker 21 He's a lawyer.

Speaker 19 A space lawyer?

Speaker 8 Leaf? Do you mind if I sit?

Speaker 12 Of course I do.

Speaker 7 So let's see here.

Speaker 22 You must be Dr. Ava.

Speaker 20 I am.

Speaker 22 And this must be the magical radio. Leif!

Speaker 36 Who is this man who has so rudely interrupted our evening?

Speaker 22 I apologize, everyone.

Speaker 7 I just had to come over here and say hello.

Speaker 22 Catch up with an old friend.

Speaker 22 A lot of talk out there, Leif.

Speaker 7 You don't say. You guys got raided by the Teds?

Speaker 30 How do you know that?

Speaker 22 Well, you see, that's my business. Knowing things.
I've got my ear to the ground in every system.

Speaker 33 Leaf knows this.

Speaker 7 You, however, did not know this, Gloria.

Speaker 22 I apologize for the chicanery at the bar. I couldn't help myself.
You're so charming.

Speaker 20 Yeah, thanks.

Speaker 12 What's everybody drinking?

Speaker 20 Let me buy you around.

Speaker 12 We were just leaving, actually.

Speaker 17 I don't know about that, Leaf.

Speaker 44 Hello, Leif. Nice to see you.

Speaker 29 Sluggo, Francis.

Speaker 12 Life.

Speaker 30 What's going on?

Speaker 19 Who are these major appliances?

Speaker 22 These are my associates, Sluggo and Francis. I'm sure you can tell by my appearance, I don't like getting my hands dirty.

Speaker 22 And Sluggo and Francis, well, I would say they like getting their hands dirty, but they don't like anything. Because they're robots, and robots don't like things.

Speaker 22 Because robots are idiots, and these particular robots just do whatever I tell them to do.

Speaker 30 They're thugbots?

Speaker 7 I know you're kidding, but this model is literally called a thugbot.

Speaker 12 They don't have to be here for this, Minsky.

Speaker 33 Sure, they do, Leaf.

Speaker 22 How else am I going to coerce you into doing what I tell you if I don't threaten your friends?

Speaker 22 Let's just make it official, shall we? If Leaf doesn't give me exactly what I want,

Speaker 22 he's going to watch while Sluggo and Francis here rip all of you to shreds right in front of his eyes. Please don't try to run, folks.
They're much, much faster than they they look.

Speaker 19 Great idea for a night out, Leaf.

Speaker 22 It's the simplest thing. That box there in front of Leaf belongs to an associate of mine.
Leaf liked to hide things here at Reds, and he thought nobody knew about it.

Speaker 7 But of course, I knew.

Speaker 22 And I also knew that Leaf was in trouble. So I set up camp at the bar and I waited for Mr.
Predictable here to make a run for his stash.

Speaker 22 Let me guess.

Speaker 18 He said you guys deserved a night out.

Speaker 30 Son of a bitch, Leaf!

Speaker 22 Don't worry, folks. Leaf here is an old softy.
There's no way he'd let any of you get hurt on his account, so I'm sure he'll do exactly what I say.

Speaker 30 The box is right there. Why don't you just take it?

Speaker 22 Well, it's complicated, Gloria, for a couple of reasons.

Speaker 7 First, the box you see in front of him is called a crush box.

Speaker 22 If Leaf doesn't say the right security phrase, it instantly sucks all the oxygen out of the environment and compresses it into a little pellet, makes it hard for most things in here to survive.

Speaker 22 Secondly,

Speaker 22 Leaf is one of the smartest guys I know, and right now he's trying to figure out a way out of this predicament that he finds himself in without giving me what I want.

Speaker 22 He'll eventually realize there's no way out, though.

Speaker 22 I've got all night, so let's give him some time, shall we?

Speaker 30 You want us to just sit here?

Speaker 22 I'd like to get to know everyone.

Speaker 7 This is a big deal for me, the staff of Midnight Burger at Red's Rectangle. I mean, what a story to tell.

Speaker 19 You want our autographs?

Speaker 39 I might. I might.

Speaker 17 That reminds me, Doctor.

Speaker 22 Would you mind if I engage you in a scientific discussion?

Speaker 19 I'm pretty sure the guy with the killer robots makes the rules.

Speaker 22 It's true, that's me.

Speaker 19 It sure is.

Speaker 22 My question is this. Do you remember when Midnight Burger brokered a peace deal between warring factions on Nea D by playing a game of cornhole in the parking lot?

Speaker 19 Sorry, that wasn't us.

Speaker 39 No, that's the thing. It was you.
I saw the news feeds.

Speaker 22 There was a picture of you.

Speaker 19 What?

Speaker 22 Correct me if I'm wrong, Doctor.

Speaker 22 I move through time linearly, right?

Speaker 19 Yes.

Speaker 22 But Midnight Burger doesn't. Right.
Then doesn't that mean that there can be stories from my past about Midnight Burger that you haven't experienced yet?

Speaker 14 Um

Speaker 22 because it can be in my past, but your future, right?

Speaker 19 Theoretically, yes.

Speaker 22 So there could be a ton of midnight burger stories that have happened already in my timeline that you know nothing about.

Speaker 21 It's possible.

Speaker 14 Wow.

Speaker 22 What about, uh...

Speaker 21 Let's see.

Speaker 22 What about when you brought a walrus to the court of the High King on Wilson Night?

Speaker 19 Definitely not.

Speaker 30 Fucking walrus?

Speaker 18 Amazing.

Speaker 22 You guys haven't done that yet? There could be tons of stories out there that I know and you don't know.

Speaker 30 There seems to be a lot of things you know that we don't.

Speaker 22 Like I said, it's my job to know things. For example, I also know that you guys are no longer time traveling.
How do you know that?

Speaker 19 No, absolutely not. All right.

Speaker 31 Well,

Speaker 22 since I like you guys, I'll let you in on it.

Speaker 22 It's the Teds.

Speaker 22 They've got some sort of space station way out there. It's sending out some type of signal that has you guys trapped in the, quote, here and now in these three galaxies.

Speaker 19 How is that possible?

Speaker 10 I have no idea.

Speaker 22 I leave things like that up to other people. I hear it's something to do with time crystals.

Speaker 19 Fucking time crystals?

Speaker 22 The deads are a patient bunch. They plan to trap you here in their territory and just wait until you show up right in their lap.

Speaker 22 I also heard about that neat little trick Leaf played with the purple nullifier. Nice work, by the way.

Speaker 7 They'll be ready for that next time.

Speaker 30 I'm never picking up a guy at a bar again.

Speaker 22 Come on, Gloria, don't say that.

Speaker 22 You know, if Leaf were listening to anything I have to say right now, I would explain to him that myself, my associates, we could be his best friends in this time of need.

Speaker 22 When you're in trouble with the Teds, you come to us.

Speaker 19 Who's us?

Speaker 22 Loaf Trax.

Speaker 19 The Space Pirate? That's right. You're the space lawyer.
For the space pirates?

Speaker 21 It's a living.

Speaker 42 I think this has gone on long enough.

Speaker 21 Goodness.

Speaker 22 I'm so sorry. I forgot about you too.
It's so easy to forget you're right there since you're, like, not really there, am I right?

Speaker 36 Life, perhaps it's for the best if you give this man

Speaker 17 what he wants.

Speaker 18 Thank you, Effie.

Speaker 22 Let's let cooler heads prevail.

Speaker 36 Do not address me directly, you carpetbagger.

Speaker 21 Kikes.

Speaker 42 My dear Leif appears to be in the midst of a moral dilemma.

Speaker 22 Trust me, that's not it.

Speaker 22 But hey, speaking of moral dilemmas, I have a question for you two.

Speaker 22 How do two followers of the

Speaker 22 who is it again?

Speaker 42 His name is Jesus.

Speaker 18 Right.

Speaker 22 Two followers of Jesus.

Speaker 22 How do you feel comfortable cavorting with criminals like Leaf?

Speaker 17 Shouldn't you shun him? Shouldn't you spurn him?

Speaker 42 No, we should not.

Speaker 36 We don't speak of it often, but back in our homeland, the Baptist may quite often have an understanding with the bootlegger.

Speaker 36 for we both desire the abolishment of whiskey and all its relatives just as Leif and ourselves have the shared goal of not being turned into some sort of griddle cake by these heartless automatons of yours

Speaker 45 I see

Speaker 22 strange bedfellows it happens all over interesting that you describe Leif as having a moral dilemma though That doesn't seem quite like him, does it, Leif?

Speaker 33 Morals?

Speaker 22 See, to have morals, you have to have made certain choices with your life, and that's...

Speaker 22 that's not like Leaf to make choices. Invents something amazing on Earth, gives it up in exchange for a ticket to the stars.
Then what does he do? Drifts around for a while, cooks some food.

Speaker 22 Then he realizes he's been conned by the Teds. What does he do then? Does he return to Earth to try to rectify his mistake? No, no, that would require bold choices, wouldn't it?

Speaker 10 Leaf's not about that.

Speaker 22 He just becomes a criminal.

Speaker 23 Now,

Speaker 22 of course, you're saying, hey, becoming a criminal is a bold choice. You put on a mask, you rob some banks, but no, that's not actually what Leaf does.

Speaker 7 What Leaf does is help criminals commit crimes.

Speaker 22 Making sure they have everything they need, which I'll grant you is still a crime, but I think we can all agree it's the most non-crime way to be a criminal.

Speaker 22 Always just dangling his feet in the water. He doesn't even commit to that.

Speaker 22 He becomes a cook on a time-traveling, dimension-spanning diner, zipping around the multiverse, making hamburgers for the downtrodden, like that's gonna do any good. So much potential, Leaf.

Speaker 22 You could have been so much. Instead, you're just a toddler's toy on the floor, battered around until you finally end up under the couch.

Speaker 7 What a waste.

Speaker 17 Well, I've said my piece,

Speaker 21 and I still haven't gotten what I want.

Speaker 22 Which means I'm going to have to pick up the pace a little bit. I've been told Loaf Trax would like a word with Dr.
Ava, so I'm afraid the violence is going to have to start with you, Gloria.

Speaker 44 Nothing personal, Gloria.

Speaker 22 Life? Gloria, which of your arms do you like the best?

Speaker 19 Leave, just give them what they want.

Speaker 12 Just take me in the box. Take me to Loaf Trax.

Speaker 22 You're mistaking this for a negotiation.

Speaker 24 God damn it, Lafe, the knuckle ring.

Speaker 22 I can't. You know what? I'll choose.
Slugo, take the left arm, please.

Speaker 22 Sluggo, Francis, what are you waiting for?

Speaker 18 Guys?

Speaker 13 Um,

Speaker 16 well, now,

Speaker 14 this is quite a thing, isn't it?

Speaker 44 Oh my god. Honey, look at you.

Speaker 44 You look as though my daddy's trapped a handling.

Speaker 21 What the fuck is happening?

Speaker 25 And look at you, husband.

Speaker 14 You look like some kind of overgrown potato bug.

Speaker 18 Holy shit.

Speaker 12 How'd you guys do that?

Speaker 44 I do seem to have four arms,

Speaker 14 don't I? What do you suppose they're all for?

Speaker 39 What the hell is this?

Speaker 25 I'm unsure, dear.

Speaker 18 But

Speaker 16 I can think of what mine are for.

Speaker 22 This isn't the last of me, Lee. You can't run for- Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Speaker 25 You have yourself a seat right here, Mr.

Speaker 18 Fancy Warrior.

Speaker 29 You're hurting me!

Speaker 16 Don't try and run now.

Speaker 25 As you were saying,

Speaker 25 we're much faster than we look.

Speaker 44 Indeed. We won a whole three-legged race at the country fast.

Speaker 14 We did win that race.

Speaker 44 Yes, dear. It was a wonderful time.

Speaker 25 You did so well in that race, Darling.

Speaker 16 Thank you, honey. We won a whole pie.

Speaker 14 Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Speaker 22 No need to get out of hand. I'm sure we can come to an agreement.

Speaker 25 Yes, here's the agreement we're coming to.

Speaker 25 You're going to agree that we're leaving, and we're going to agree not to twist your tail off like a crawfish.

Speaker 2 You understand me?

Speaker 22 I understand. I understand.

Speaker 25 Ava, grab the wireless. Life, grab that box of yours.
Gloria, please do pick a better dance partner in the future.

Speaker 30 Yeah, this was a bad start for me.

Speaker 16 Get going, y'all.

Speaker 44 One last thing before we depart.

Speaker 44 Sir,

Speaker 44 you are employed by evil forces.

Speaker 44 Please inform them that though we may look like sheep in the field, we are watched over by a mighty force. His name is Jesus Christ.

Speaker 44 And if you think this is the only trick up his sleeve, I suggest you read of Moses in the land of the Pharaoh.

Speaker 16 Next time it'll be the frogs.

Speaker 16 Uh, boss,

Speaker 14 what's happening? Where did they go?

Speaker 17 Who the fuck are these people?

Speaker 28 Treat your crew with Starbucks cards for National Coffee Day. Send up to 10 e-gifts in one transaction from the Starbucks app or online at starbucks.com/slash gift.

Speaker 28 Or if you have a larger group or team to celebrate with, you can send physical or digital cards in bulk directly from Starbucks at starbuckscardb2b.com.

Speaker 28 No matter how you like to connect over coffee, Starbucks cards have got you covered.

Speaker 40 and the channel on the outside ring

Speaker 19 anyway it's called panpsychism the idea being that each atom has a certain amount of consciousness and when atoms arrange themselves into complicated structures that's when consciousness as we know it would manifest itself

Speaker 19 but look at you guys

Speaker 19 where are the atoms guys

Speaker 19 Where are you?

Speaker 35 We're right here, Ava.

Speaker 36 Ava, anytime you want to just start calling them miracles, we're here for you.

Speaker 34 Uh, whatever.

Speaker 12 Where's Gloria? She's in the back.

Speaker 12 I think she was a little shaken up by

Speaker 23 outside.

Speaker 30 Now,

Speaker 17 bring the damn box.

Speaker 19 Oh, Leif is in trouble.

Speaker 12 Shut up.

Speaker 45 Gloria.

Speaker 12 I'm really sorry.

Speaker 30 I like both of my arms, Leif. I'm glad I got to keep them.

Speaker 12 I wouldn't have let him do that.

Speaker 23 How do I know that?

Speaker 30 What?

Speaker 12 As it turns out, you're a big pile of bullshit.

Speaker 30 That's not true. Ever since I got here, you're a bullshit pile.

Speaker 17 No, I'm not.

Speaker 30 Why didn't you tell me about any of this?

Speaker 12 Because I'm ashamed.

Speaker 12 Okay? I'm ashamed of it.

Speaker 12 Everything Minsky said back there was true.

Speaker 12 I could have done something great, but I didn't. Because it was too hard.

Speaker 12 I could have fought for the right thing,

Speaker 12 but it was too hard, so I just became a criminal.

Speaker 12 Then I couldn't even be a good criminal.

Speaker 12 I'm ashamed of all that,

Speaker 12 but I like it here.

Speaker 12 I like being with you guys.

Speaker 12 I didn't tell you because... Slave!

Speaker 23 I'm at that gueta in space.

Speaker 30 I'm running away from a virus and a heartbreak and bullshit. Ava's running away from

Speaker 30 some kind of misogyny, but for smart people that I don't really get yet, but suffice to say I'm glad now that I didn't go to college. God knows what Casper was running from.

Speaker 30 But none of us are running from ourselves.

Speaker 30 Because you can't.

Speaker 30 no matter where you go there you are so stop the bullshit okay

Speaker 12 just be you

Speaker 18 okay

Speaker 30 now

Speaker 12 open the box life actually i think it's probably safer if we keep it closed laif

Speaker 30 open the fucking box

Speaker 12 please speak security phrase in nineteen seventy doc ellis pitched a no-hitter on LSD.

Speaker 23 Access granted.

Speaker 26 What is it? A Rubik's Cube?

Speaker 32 It's

Speaker 12 basically a thumb drive, but on a quantum level.

Speaker 26 What does it do?

Speaker 12 If I install it in the right system,

Speaker 12 it destroys the TEDs.

Speaker 17 Destroys them?

Speaker 21 All of them? Yes.

Speaker 29 But

Speaker 12 here's the thing:

Speaker 12 no matter what happens,

Speaker 17 We can't use it we can't

Speaker 23 Okay

Speaker 30 Tell me everything

Speaker 2 What is this place?

Speaker 10 It's crazy Red's rectangle. It's a meteor inside of a nebula.
There's a bar here Leaf used to tell me about I thought we could go there ask around. I don't know.

Speaker 23 What are you drinking? It's a margarita, but it's a yard long. They call it a yard.
Do you want some?

Speaker 17 No, why are you drinking it?

Speaker 23 Well, I can't help it. I tend to mimic my surroundings.
Am I blending in?

Speaker 10 There's like 27 different races here. Nobody's blending in.

Speaker 23 How about if I do this? You guys, I am so hammered right now.

Speaker 7 Would you help me look for this place, please?

Speaker 21 Sorry. Casper?

Speaker 17 It's Casper, right?

Speaker 22 Do I know you?

Speaker 13 Sorry.

Speaker 22 The name's Minsky. I'm a friend of Leif's.

Speaker 2 You are?

Speaker 17 Have you seen him? Wait, what kind of friend? The best kind.

Speaker 22 The kind that's concerned for his safety.

Speaker 18 Oh, yeah?

Speaker 22 He's told me all about you. I heard you got nabbed by the Teds.
Did you escape?

Speaker 10 Yeah, when did he tell you about me?

Speaker 22 Don't worry about it. How about you come with me? We'll track down Leaf.

Speaker 26 Who's this guy?

Speaker 6 Uh, you know, I think we're good, actually. Thanks.

Speaker 13 Casper, I've had a very long day.

Speaker 25 How about you come with me?

Speaker 23 Who are these guys?

Speaker 44 Hello, Casper. Nice to meet you.

Speaker 22 Casper, I'm just gonna cut to the chase.

Speaker 22 You're going to come with me now, and you're going to help me find Leaf.

Speaker 7 Oh, so this is one of those asking me politely, but not really asking me situations. I'm afraid so.

Speaker 10 Here's the problem: you won't have to worry about a thing.

Speaker 22 You can even take your sex butt with you.

Speaker 23 Excuse me, his what?

Speaker 22 No, Kink Shape.

Speaker 18 Hold my yarg.

Speaker 10 What are you doing?

Speaker 14 He.

Speaker 28 Oh my god. You want some?

Speaker 24 Please, no. Hee!

Speaker 32 Whoops.

Speaker 23 His head just flew right off, didn't it?

Speaker 20 Uh-huh. I'll be right back.

Speaker 18 What the fuck?

Speaker 5 So,

Speaker 5 she's not a sex bot.

Speaker 10 And thank God, am I right?

Speaker 22 Do you have any idea how much these bots cost?

Speaker 10 Listen, she's going to finish up with your boy anytime now and will probably just start in on you when she's done. So how about you tell me everything you know before she beats it out of you?

Speaker 29 Who the fuck are you people?

Speaker 14 Ridiculous excuse for a technological advancement.

Speaker 10 We run a diner.

Speaker 37 And about your partner, your corners all.

Speaker 40 And now the gal across the hall. The first couple bowls swing.

Speaker 40 And the channel on the outside ring

Speaker 5 Okay, everybody into the square dance to celebrate our Monte Cristo level and above supporters

Speaker 5 Wilson Billy Aiden Burtbert Bethany Cinnamon Melvis Gray Mystery Diodan

Speaker 29 Ruth McCormick

Speaker 5 Existentially Exhausted Bean

Speaker 2 Special K Nea

Speaker 17 Anna Ben and Jessica

Speaker 29 Bear Caper Levi

Speaker 5 and let's not forget our old friend Todd.

Speaker 37 And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens,

Speaker 35 just remember, we're out there somewhere,

Speaker 37 looking for you.

Speaker 37 We open a six. And a meeting lady with a left-hand round, you corner, lady with a right-hand round.

Speaker 40 Partner left, you're all the way round.

Speaker 40 And a right-hand lady with a right-hand round.

Speaker 40 And go back home and swing.

Speaker 37 Everybody swing.

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