Chapter 12: Ted, Just Admit It.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians.

These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds.

Visit progressive.com to see if you could save.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates.

Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations.

Take advantage of the EV lease incentive and and leave the ordinary behind with an epic lineup of electric and hybrid vehicles at the ready.

And right now, qualified lessees of Dodge Charger Daytona, Jeep Grand Cherokee 4xE, and Wrangler 4xE may be eligible for a 7,500 EV lease incentive through Stellantis Financial Services to be factored into their lease calculation.

When leased through Stellantis Financial Services, not all lessees will qualify.

This incentive is offered by a third party as a cap cost reduction and is subject to change without notice.

Lessee cannot claim EV incentive on personal tax return.

Consult a tax professional for details and eligibility requirements.

Restrictions apply.

Contact your dealer for details.

Offer ends 930.

Previously on Midnight

Because Casper is

somewhere?

Is this one of those we're trying to break his spirit things, or is this a

we're waiting for the guy with the keys

thing?

And it seems the diner is trapped in a terrifying place called

the present.

Our time-traveling dimension-spanning diner is no longer traveling through

or

through dimensions.

Let's start the shift.

Good evening, Commander.

Yeah, hi.

Begin record.

About to begin interrogation of asset.

Suggested course of action.

Anticipate high levels of anxiety.

Anxiety levels should produce desired outcome within five minutes.

Okay, right, but what do I do?

Desired mem Sim file not complete.

Use of secondary files suggested.

And then he's just going to cough up the information?

Anxiety levels should produce desired outcome.

Okay, if you say so.

Hello, Casper.

Hi.

I'm sure you have a lot of questions.

Have you watched the orientation message yet?

The what?

Congratulations!

You are a prisoner of the TED Empire, the premier destination for all criminals in the Triad Galactic System.

The first day of your incarcerated life begins now.

Here in the TED Empire, you can expect the same level of quality treatment you've come to expect from us.

The fuck is this?

To get started on this amazing journey, please submit to all necessary testing.

Non-compliance with testing will result in a trip to the deep cold storage.

Okay, we good?

We good?

I need you to watch something for me.

Who the fuck are you?

We'll get to that.

Watch this, please.

Mem Sim.

Ready?

Playing.

Guys?

Jasper!

Yes!

Hello!

Good morning!

Hi.

How are you?

I'm fine.

I talked to you ten minutes ago.

Oh, of course you did.

Yes.

Where's Zebulon?

I am here.

Hello.

How have you been?

I just talked.

Were you guys...

Were you just playing jazz music?

We were not.

Are you sure?

Yes, I don't know what you mean.

Okay.

In fact, I was just about to put on a bit of Abide With me.

It puts a lovely sheen on the morning.

Wouldn't you agree, dear?

Yes, it's very holy.

Yes.

Casper, would you like any of my feelings on our new destination?

I think I'm good.

It looks like New Brunswick, New Jersey, 2018.

Not a lot of surprises in New Brunswick in 2018.

Hey, anybody at all?

No, it looks pretty dead.

I'm working on a theory about New Jersey.

There are no theories about New Jersey.

This is our third time here with no customers.

Maybe we sat down here when the diner wants to give us a day off.

Cruel for it to be in New Brunswick.

Once is an occurrence.

Twice is a coincidence.

Three times is a pattern.

This is the third time.

Does this have anything to do with you wanting the day off?

It might.

Go ahead.

I'm sure I can handle all the nothing that's currently happening.

Sweet.

Effie and Zebulon were just listening to jazz and they don't want to admit it.

Busted.

Lo and behold, welcome to Midnight Burger.

Have a seat anywhere.

Ma'am?

What is this place?

I'm sorry.

What is this place?

It's Midnight Burger.

It's a diner.

Okay.

Why don't you have a seat at that booth?

Sure.

My friends, I wish to speak today on the power of our choices.

Though not all be warriors, the Lord hath given us all the sword at birth.

A sword to carry with us through our lives, and not for war and not for safety, but a sword that cleaves the path in front of you in twain.

An instrument by which one can say, I choose this and refuse the other.

One who is given this sword of choice may see themselves as an agent of destiny, carving out the world as we know it by choosing.

Perhaps you cut away excess.

Perhaps you pierce the veil of ignorance.

Perhaps you strike down those that would use their sword against you.

But at the end of a life of wielding this mighty sword, it may behoove one to ask:

who was it gave me this sword?

And was their will present within it?

Coffee?

Sure.

You live around here?

Um, no.

I live in Ithaca.

What brings you to town?

I'm not sure.

Okay.

I'm off.

Should be back in plenty of time.

I'm not going far.

Oh.

Hello there.

Hi.

Welcome to Midnight Burger.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Um, am I still good to...

Yeah, go ahead.

It doesn't look like she's gonna turn into a lava beast or something.

Okay.

Cool.

I'm off to Princeton.

Have fun.

Who do you know at Princeton?

What?

I have some friends who work there.

Who do you know at Princeton?

Oh, uh,

nobody.

Just,

you know,

a

janitor.

You know a janitor at Princeton?

Buddy of mine.

From

high school.

Okay.

I'll be back.

Remember what happens if you're not back.

Okay, don't worry about it.

If I get stuck in a spot, I've got a contingency plan.

You do?

Don't worry about it.

See you in a few hours.

Who was that?

That was the cook.

But then who's going to make my food?

I will.

You don't seem like the cooking type.

I'm not.

But I've heard that New Brunswick is famous for its incredibly low standards.

So, when in Rome, what can I get you?

Uh, BLT.

Coming right up?

Hey, so

help me out.

with something.

What's that?

When I look you up on my phone,

you're not there.

Yeah, uh,

that's not surprising.

We just opened it.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, it's not going well.

My phone does say that something else is here.

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

Elmwood Cemetery.

You okay in there?

Yeah.

Uh

cemetery, huh?

Yep.

Looks like your phone might not have the most recent data.

Uh-huh.

Hey, um, do me a favor.

When my BLT is is ready, bring it to me in the parking lot.

The parking lot,

ma'am.

Guys, are we in a cemetery right now?

We seem to be.

I don't understand.

When I look out the window, I just see a street.

Yes, though, to the left and to the right.

Effie,

maybe you could have given me a heads up about this.

Fucking hell.

You guys.

Our apologies.

She's just standing out there in the parking lot, waiting for me.

She does appear to be oddly taking it in stride.

Yeah, okay, fine.

Fuck it.

Here we go.

Well,

damn.

Would you look at that?

We're in a cemetery.

Yes, we are.

Have you noticed that the presence of smartphones in our lives has greatly reduced our ability to bullshit with each other?

You have a roadside diner in the middle of a cemetery.

You know, when you don't pay attention to changing zoning laws, things can get all worse.

You and your friend suffer from whisperer's disease.

We suffer from what?

Whisperer's disease.

When you whisper, you think it takes away everyone else's ability to hear.

I'm glad to know you don't think I'm gonna turn into a lava beast.

Don't take that personally.

Your friend has a contingency plan in case he doesn't make it back in time?

Crime in New Brunswick.

Sun goes down.

Things get bad.

I'm a theoretical physicist.

Congratulations.

I would like to know how one of the particular equations in my head led me here.

Led you here?

How about you finish making me that BLT and we have a nice chat?

Okay.

Why are you showing me my memories?

Where is Dr.

Ava Maddox?

Who the fuck are you and where the fuck am I?

You're on a starship.

You're a prisoner.

The prisoner part was clear.

Who are you?

You are currently under arrest by the TED Empire for operating an unregistered vessel.

Seriously?

Yes.

This is a traffic stop?

I'm afraid it's much more serious than that.

Since you kidnapped me, I certainly hope so.

You haven't been kidnapped.

You're being detained.

What's the difference?

Honestly, not much.

What's the last thing you remember?

We were floating in space.

A big ship appeared.

There were some stormtroopers.

I got shot with some sort of ray gun.

It was a stun gun.

You'll be fine.

Okay.

The Ted Empire?

That's correct.

Your planet is called Ted.

That's right.

And anyone from Ted is called a.

Ted.

You're the Teds.

I understand that this is a very common name on Earth and that our name may sound very humorous to you.

Let me assure you, we've heard all the jokes.

Oh, I bet I can find some noise.

Can you tell me the whereabouts of a Dr.

Ava Maddox?

No.

But you're not going to tell me?

I'm new to this, but I'm guessing being held captive on a prison barge means that I shouldn't give up any information.

It's not a prison barge, it's a military vessel.

And you say I'm here.

Why?

You're under arrest for operating an unlicensed warp-capable vessel.

The diner.

I know you call it that, but to us, it's a vessel.

It's not really, though.

It's capable of traveling temporally, dimensionally, and spatially, is that correct?

Yeah.

And how is that not a vessel?

Because there's a neon sign outside that says, eat.

Clear that up for me.

Why do you have a sign outside that says eat?

To let people know we're a diner and not a vessel.

Are you reminding people to eat?

We're letting people know what we do.

For example, there should be a neon sign outside this ship saying detaining people for bullshit nonsense.

Yeah, I urge you to take this seriously.

Oh, really, Ted?

Are you urging me?

Don't call me me Ted.

No, I'm calling you Ted.

You're Ted now.

Why were you showing me one of my memories, Ted?

We'll get to that in a second.

Do you know what happens to people who don't comply with questioning?

Well, according to the terrifying woman in that video, they get put in deep cold storage.

I'm assuming that's some sort of suspended animation.

That's right.

Well, you're threatening an earthling with a nap.

Let me tell you how that's going to go.

Can you tell me what these are?

Are those Ava's notes?

These are the notes of Dr.

Ava Maddox.

Why do you have them?

We need need to know where she is.

I would strongly advise against that.

Why?

Because you took her notes, and they are the only thing she cares about in the multiverse, which means she's marked your whole civilization for genocide.

And if there's anyone who could pull it off.

According to our records, she's been aboard your vessel for some time, and yet when we showed up, she was gone.

According to your records.

That's right.

Why do you have records on her?

We have extensive records on you, her, Leaf, the new girl Gloria, and whatever that talking box of yours is.

You do?

Yes.

Why is that?

It's our mission.

It's your mission to collect records on us?

But that's part of our mission.

Oh, wait.

I know what this is.

You do?

We ran into this robot a while back named Bufar.

Bufar said that there were people out there looking for us, that our quote-unquote vessel was some kind of white whale that a lot of civilizations look for.

A white whale is a kind of a symbol of

what a white whale is.

So, is that what this is?

You're some sort of science mission.

You're going to tag my ears.

This isn't a science mission, it's a military operation.

We are looking for Dr.

Ava Maddox.

You need to tell me where she is.

Um,

nope.

No, I don't.

You seem unusually calm for someone who's in so much danger.

This is actually the safest I've felt in a long time.

I can turn you into an ice cube at the drop of a hat.

Well, the joke's on you because you're not wearing a hat.

And Casper, god damn it!

What?

What is it?

We have detected a vessel.

Well, good for you.

Shall we set course to intercept?

Oh, what were the orders I gave you an hour ago?

Intercept all vessels in the quadrant.

And we're having this conversation.

Why?

A lot of robots on board?

It's all robots on board.

You're a robot?

Me, I'm not a robot.

Everyone else is.

I see.

You're speaking English.

Yes.

So was the lady in the video.

Does everyone speak English on TED Ted?

Everyone who serves aboard this ship is required to speak English.

You're the only one who serves on this ship, Ted.

Yeah, I mean, if anyone else were to serve on this ship, they would have to speak English.

Do you think about that a lot?

Finally having someone else to talk to?

I have someone to talk to right now, and it super sucks.

So, no.

Speaking English, that's a specific requirement.

We have a specific mission.

What's that?

Right now, it's finding Dr.

Ava Maddox.

Okay.

When you were abducting me, did you think to look for her between the cushions in the booths because things get stuck down there?

Spare change.

Your favorite pen and ambassador one time.

I was hoping that this interrogation would go smoothly.

Well, it's good to have a dream.

Did you think I was kidding about deep, cold stories?

I think the problem there is I have no idea what it is.

Describe it to me.

Really paint a picture that will help me feel the fear that you're going for.

We freeze you in a block of chemical ice where you will be semi-conscious forever until we decide to thaw you out.

Are meals provided?

It's suspended animation.

There are no meals.

Okay.

I have a clear picture now, but uh

no.

Still not doing it for me.

I see.

Being semi-conscious doesn't sound so bad.

Some people work their whole lives to get semi-conscious.

Have you ever met a Buddhist or or an EDM artist?

There are other things.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure there are other things you can do to me.

I'm sure you have a pain stick or something.

No, but we can make one.

Or, how about you share some information with me?

Maybe that'll put me in a sharing mood, you know, make that Stockholm syndrome kick in.

Stockholm syndrome is a semi-conscious.

Yeah, I know what a Stockholm syndrome is.

Okay, hey,

start there.

You're an alien from another planet.

Where did you get all your Earth knowledge from?

It's my job.

I'm an Earth expert.

An Earth expert?

Well, that sounds like a terrible job.

It is.

And how did this become your chosen profession?

We don't choose professions on TED.

We're assigned professions according to our skill set.

How inspiring.

What was the skill that got you this job?

A high tolerance for idiocy.

Yeah.

You definitely need some of that studying Earth.

I mean, World War I alone.

Actually, my favorite is the bucket war.

The what?

In Italy.

Two provinces, Modena and Bologna.

Modena stole the bucket from the well in Bologna, so they went to war.

Two thousand people died.

Wow.

You know, I know that sounds ridiculous, but when you find a really good bucket...

My favorite part is that to this day, you can still go to Modena and see the bucket displayed as a point of pride.

2,000 people dead over a bucket, and they're bragging about it.

That's what it's like studying Earth.

You don't seem too happy with your career placement.

It's better than the alternative.

Doesn't sound like there is an alternative.

Earth, for example.

When a child is born on Earth, you tell them, when you grow up, you can be anything you want to be.

You don't tell them that along with that statement comes a gigantic obligation to actually be something.

So they go out into the world to be something and realize that there are multiple barriers standing in the way of them being anything at all.

And then they beat their head against the wall for a while and finally end up settling for whatever the status quo demands they do.

And when they finally do give up because they were told you can be whatever you want to be, it's then their fault that they didn't end up being anything.

So I'll take my system over yours.

It's pretty dark, Ted.

But the music's nice on Earth.

That's true.

Some of it.

That's

true.

So,

there.

I gave you some information.

Can we get back to the matter at hand?

And what was that again?

Where is Dr.

Ava Maddox?

Right, that.

The memory you showed me, that's pretty fancy technology.

It's called a mem sim.

We can reenact most memories.

MemSim?

Are we sure about that name?

Well, I don't know.

I'm not a naming expert.

I'm an Earth expert.

Well, why didn't you just use this unfortunately named technology to get the information out of my head?

We're working on it.

The simulations take a while to put together.

In the meantime, I thought I'd come in here and try and cut to the chase rather than wait.

I see.

So the information you want from me, you're going to get it anyway, but you want to get it faster.

Yes.

Because it'd be more convenient for you.

That's right.

Well, I'm sure I'm going to be very helpful then.

Deep cold storage, Casper.

Why did you show me that memory?

That was her first day at the diner.

Why show me that?

Why do you think?

Oh, is it quiz time?

Sure.

Okay, okay.

Oh!

She found the diner.

Using a mathematical equation, she found your vessel.

We would like to know that equation.

Her notes aren't enough.

No.

Huh.

How fast does this ship go?

Casper!

Just curious.

It doesn't matter how fast it goes.

What it matters to me, Ted.

I'm trying to make a point.

Like most ships in the triad, we travel mostly through tubes.

Tubes?

Warp tubes.

They're set up throughout the three systems.

You fly through a tube, it sends you from one place to another through spatial distortion, like a highway.

You said the triad?

Playing dumb isn't going to get you anywhere, Casper.

I don't know what the triad is.

It's my understanding.

You've been aboard your vessel for quite some time.

You have no idea what the triad is?

I may zip all around the cosmos, but ironically, I don't get out much.

Three galaxies.

The Milky Way, Andromeda, and Triangulum.

They're all connected through a series of several thousand warp tubes.

Like a highway.

Yes.

And who built this highway?

We did.

Aha.

So if...

Anyone in these three galaxies wants to go anywhere, they have to talk to you.

That's right.

I imagine that gives the TED Empire quite a lot of power.

It does.

And it must be very frustrating for you when you encounter something that can travel without using one of your tubes.

Where is Dr.

Ava Maddox?

You know, it's funny.

You're an advanced civilization with deep cold storage, and spaceships, and MIMSIMs, and intergalactic highways, and you are desperate to find a scientist from a planet whose greatest technological achievement is a phone with a camera on it.

That's odd, isn't it?

Okay.

We're done for now.

Please enjoy several hours of TED Empire propaganda.

Is there popcorn?

The TED Empire.

We're not just the empire that carries your friends and family across the three galaxies.

We're also the empire that keeps your planet safe when you finally come home with our new and improved orbital plan on here.

Travel insurance sounds boring.

Until you need it, Insure My Trip makes it easy.

Compare top-rated plans, get expert help, and travel with confidence.

Whether it's a last-minute trip or a bucket-listed venture, we've got your back with unbiased guidance and smart tech.

No pressure, just peace of mind.

And if you're not sure what you need, our licensed agents are here to help.

No bots, just real humans.

Be prepared, not paranoid.

Visit InsureMyTrip.com and travel like a pro.

InsureMyTrip.com.

You know that feeling when your day finally slows down and you just want to relax, unplug, and feel good?

That's where mood.com comes in.

They're changing the game.

Delivering legal THC products right to your door, no shady dealers, and absolutely no medical card required, just good vibes and better sleep, shipped straight from their farm to your couch.

From delicious THC gummies, smooth vape pens, to premium THC flour, Mood has it all.

And everything's federally legal under the 2018 Farm Bill.

Yeah, this isn't some loophole.

It's the real deal.

Head to mood.com and use code FIRST

20 for 20% off your first order.

That's MOOD.com.

Find your mood.

Begin report.

About to begin second interrogation session.

Remember when you said heightened anxiety levels would produce the desired outcome?

Whew, that was fun.

Please reduce sarcasm levels.

Well, what are your suggestions?

Psychological profile suggests using a forceful tone.

A forceful tone?

I threatened to freeze him in a block of chemical ice, but a forceful tone is going to do it.

According to psychological profile.

Oh, is this the same psychological profile that said this would be over in like five minutes?

Oh, fuck it.

To hell with it.

Fine.

Forceful tone.

Soon, when the billion sector Dyson Sphere is complete, we'll be able to construct a next generation Uber tube that will be able to send your starships to several luxurious and highly profitable sectors in ports outside the triad.

Rise and shade.

Oh, I'm impressed.

We design our propaganda so no one can sleep through it.

I do live to impress you, Ted.

Would you like some coffee?

Yeah, I'd love some.

Good, we don't have any.

Well played.

Where is Dr.

Ava Maddox?

You keep bringing her notes in here.

I know you have them.

You don't have to keep bringing them in here.

Yeah, I'll keep that in mind.

Where is Dr.

Ava Maddox?

You don't have to keep saying her full name.

I'm pretty sure I know who you're talking about.

Definitely, where is she, goddammit?

Why is there yelling now?

I made this as easy as I could.

Now it's time for yelling.

Okay, then.

You want to be our prisoner forever?

I don't know.

What are your prisons like?

A block of ice.

I feel like we've gone over this before.

We have.

Okay.

Oh, God!

Oh, fuck this.

Did you try and

come in here, guns blazing?

Is that what happened, Ted?

Yes.

Your heart wasn't in it.

I know.

A for effort, though.

Where is Dr.

Ava Maddox?

Baja, California.

No, she's not.

No, she's not.

I know I can get this information from you.

Well,

while you're changing tactics,

I've been watching your propaganda for several hours.

Would you like my thoughts?

No.

Here are my thoughts.

You guys suck.

You have your finger in every pie in three galaxies.

Transportation, planetary security, banking, agriculture.

You guys control all of it.

We don't control anything.

We sell very effective products.

A lot of choice in the marketplace, a lot of healthy competition?

No, but that's not our fault.

So, I'm trying to figure out where I fit into all this.

I mean, I'm just a guy, and then I realized if I controlled everything,

it would really piss me off if there was suddenly something that I couldn't control, like say a diner that can traverse space-time, and dimension.

Oh, look at you, you figured it all out.

And this whole ship, your job is to be the midnight burger hunter.

Yes, which is why everyone speaks English.

Yes,

because for some reason, the most powerful artifact in existence is completely populated with residents of the most backwater dumb shit factory in the universe, fucking Earthlings!

So you're trying to track down the diner because what?

It's embarrassing?

Yes!

It's incredibly embarrassing!

You know what we have to do to make one warp gate?

We have to harness the power of an entire star.

We black out an entire solar system just so we can go a few million light years and then you assholes assholes go shooting through the system without harnessing anything.

Doing good deeds and asking people if they'd like to hear the specials.

Where's the harm in that?

Because you make people imagine something better.

And that is bad business for us.

So they commissioned this ship to hunt down Midnight Burger, harness its power, and if we can't do that, destroy it.

Wow.

An entire empire of hull monitors.

Just tell me where she is, Casper.

Ted?

No.

Casper, look.

I want to keep your people safe.

If you work with me, I can assure that happens.

Safe from what?

Not being found?

Do you see this image?

It looks like Wind Chimes.

I know it looks like Wind Chimes.

It's not Wind Chimes.

I mean, it really looks like Wind Chimes.

It's a space station.

It just went online.

It's emanating a field.

Brand new technology.

As long as this station is emanating its field, the diner is going to be trapped in our territory.

It's only a matter of time before it's ours.

In your territory.

That's right.

Which is three galaxies.

Yes.

And how many trillions of light years is that?

It's a lot.

It's a whole lot.

But you have to admit, it's less than what it was, though.

So, your master plan that spells out imminent doom is that you've gone from having no chance of finding us to having, what,

0.0001%

chance of finding us?

Oh my god, I hate my job.

Of course, you do, Ted!

According to you, you've been doing it since the day you were born.

Coffee.

Thanks.

It tastes terrible.

Apparently, we don't know how to make it.

Thanks.

You're not acting in accordance with your psychological profile.

I'm noticing that.

We thought you'd be wracked with anxiety if you were away from your vessel.

It's a diner.

What's going on?

I don't know.

Is it possible there's something comforting about being a prisoner?

I mean, at first, maybe.

Look, Ted,

I know you're upset, but it's like you said, your

stupidly named device.

Right, that one.

Any second now, it'll suck the memory out of my head and I'll be useless to you.

We're having problems with your brain.

Preach, sister.

No, they're saying it's because of all the time travel.

It's It's affected your brain.

The older memories are easy to get to, but not the newer ones.

Oh, sounds like that's giving me all sorts of tumors.

That'll be fun one day.

So, until they figure it out, the only choice

where she is.

I know, all right.

I know enough already.

Oh,

Ted, your coffee's terrible.

Pull up a chair.

Let's talk.

We'll talk about anything you want to talk about except for the thing you want to talk about.

Come on, you've been chasing the diner around for God knows how long.

You've got to have questions.

Have some terrible coffee.

Coffee is poisonous to a ted.

It shows.

I have a question.

Here we go.

Baba Yaga's hut.

What?

According to my records, you made several stops in Eastern Europe, 15th and 16th century.

Oh.

Right.

We spent some time there.

Doing what?

There were a lot of Jews fleeing the Spanish Inquisition at the time.

We gave them coffee and food on their way.

That didn't seem strange to them.

Well, no one was really drinking coffee in Europe at the time, so it was a little strange.

I mean, for 15th century Jews to see a diner along the road.

Yeah, it was strange.

So they called it Baba Yaga's Hut.

It's an old old folktale.

There's this old witch, and she has this hut with giant chicken legs, and it can magically take you wherever you want.

So they looked at your diner and saw a hut with chicken legs.

Yeah, I guess.

They saw what they needed to see.

So my question is, how do you know you're not doing the same thing?

How do you know you're not seeing a diner because that's what you need to see?

I don't know, Ted.

You've been forced from birth to study a planet you hate and you insist that's a good thing.

How do you know you're not seeing what you want to see?

Travel around the cosmos enough, and the most common thing you'll see is someone looking at something they can't explain and seeing something they need to see.

So, yeah, it's possible.

My question is, what difference does it make?

Oh, how do you do that?

How do you just swim in ambiguity like that?

Flying around in a magical diner and you never stop for a second and say, oh, hey, what the fuck?

You just shrug your shoulders?

Doesn't every line of questioning eventually lead to shrugging your shoulders?

Isaac Newton's like, guys, check it out.

Gravity.

And everyone's like, cool.

Why is it there?

Shrug.

I think we figured out that particular shrug.

But then there's another shrug after that.

And another shrug, and another shrug, and another shrug.

Turtles all the way down.

Turtles all the way down.

What's the reference?

Come on, Earth expert.

The regress argument in epistemology.

Boom!

You would crush on Jeopardy.

My people don't like the regress argument.

Oh, you mean the argument that says you can never really know anything?

That's because you come from a planet of Smarty Pants know-it-alls.

Look at you out here.

You're trying to chase down this thing you can't explain.

When you catch it, you're going to try and explain it, and if you can't, you're going to what?

Destroy it.

Blow it up, Ted.

That's hilarious.

I can't explain this thing, so I must destroy it.

Are you sure you're not human?

It says in your file you worked at the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Yeah, that's right.

What did you do there?

You know, you

take a number and come up to the counter.

I was that guy.

But not a high-skilled job.

I don't know.

You've got to know what you're doing.

It's not the kind of job where you would encounter the regress argument.

No.

But there was a lot of shrugging.

How are you going to pay that fine?

Shrug.

I guess I picked it up somewhere on the diner.

Hmm.

How long have you been there?

I don't remember.

I walked in the door one day,

turned on the radio, and it was all a blur until Leaf showed up.

Other people made me notice the time.

Little did I know

you were out there the entire time.

Trying to truck us down

in your mystery machine.

Hey, wait a minute.

You were there.

You found us.

You kidnapped me.

You took Ava's notes.

Why'd you.

Why'd you leave?

The goal was to catch us, right?

Leif.

Leif.

We have a bit of history with Leaf.

He was anticipating us.

Anticipating you how?

He had

a purple nullifier.

What kind of Willy Wonka candy is that?

It's a bomb.

A very dangerous one.

Leaf had a fucking bomb in the diner.

Get the fuck out of here.

Leaf would never do that.

Let me show you one of my memories.

Memsen ready.

Roll 212.

Please remain calm.

No sudden movements.

You fucking people?

Are you kidding me?

Leif, I need you to remain calm.

We're not here to hurt anyone.

Does that include the one you just put on the ground?

What did they do to Casper?

What is the meaning of these jack boots?

Such wanton violence has no meaning.

Casper's going to be fine.

Nobody needs to get hurt.

Leif, I need you to lead your people out of this diner peacefully.

I have a purple nullifier.

Leif, stop fucking around.

I've got my hand on the switch right now.

Bullshit.

Fine.

Purple nullifier identified.

Leaf?

What is that?

Leaf, stay calm.

You use that and you kill all your friends.

I know that, but I also know that Teds follow the rules.

And what are the rules for a purple nullifier?

Come on.

Make concessions and fall back.

Exactly.

So get going.

I don't remember going over bombs at the staff meeting.

Trust me.

Leaf?

You think I wasn't expecting you at some point?

There is no sign of the doctor.

Fucking goddammit.

Leaf!

Get out!

Now!

Yeah,

get out!

He's not afraid to use whatever that thing is.

You think we aren't afraid to meet our maker?

We hang out with the pastor all day.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, for thou art with me.

I'd be mighty interested to see what St.

Peter has to say about you all.

Let's head up and see him.

You people are fucking crazy.

Fall back.

Grab Casper and grab the notes.

This isn't over, Leo.

It absolutely isn't over.

Fucking asshole.

He had a fucking bomb in the diner.

It's not just a bomb.

When a purple nullifier is activated, it turns everything in a 500-meter radius into purple goo.

Hence the name.

Are you sure he wasn't making that up?

It sounds made up.

I've seen them.

It's not pretty.

And we know that he has one.

So he threatened to take out everyone.

You guys and- That's right.

Who the fuck have I been working with?

Leaf's worn a lot of hats since he left Earth.

You think he was on board your diner because he liked making hamburgers?

Yes.

Wow, that says a lot lot about you.

Here, I'll show you his rap sheet.

Here's his dossier.

This is a list of all his offenses across all systems.

It'll scroll like this for about five minutes.

Oh, come on.

Impersonating a baker.

That is illegal in three systems.

He told me he was a cook.

He was for a while, but then he started working for someone very dangerous named Loaftrex.

That's where he racked up all these offenses.

We thought he had gotten out of the game or had been killed because we hadn't heard from him for a very long time.

Then our intelligence comes back that he found his way on board your vessel, the perfect place to disappear.

But then he left for a while and came back.

Yeah, we're not sure what that was about.

God damn.

Anyway, when we knew we couldn't take the diner, we thought taking the doctor and her notes would be a good consolation prize.

But she wasn't there, so you took me instead.

Yes.

Well, at least you got her notes.

Should be good enough, right?

What?

Hey, we can't read her notes.

What?

Seriously?

They're written in code.

A code we can't seem to decipher.

No.

It's a code without numerical values.

It just looks like squiggly lines.

Wow.

Ted!

this is a serious own goal for you guys.

Not if you tell us where she is.

I mean,

you finally catch the thing that you've been chasing, but you get scared off by a bomb threat that, let's be real, was probably a lie.

Then you decided you'll take the scientist, who wasn't there, and then you decide to take her notes, which you can't read.

In a panic move, you grab me instead, who, let's be real again, is the most worthless member of the Midnight Burger staff.

I mean, at least Gloria could have taught you Spanish.

You're not worthless if you could tell me where she is.

What was that?

What?

Nothing.

I'm sure it's fine.

An explosion on a spaceship?

You're sure it's fine?

It's fine.

Is it though?

I'll be right back.

Yeah, check on that.

Mems and ready.

Oh, yeah?

Um

play play file.

Roll file.

Show me the file.

Give us a second, guys.

Okay.

Come on, life.

Are you enjoying this?

You feel like you're getting the last laugh?

I asked you for one thing.

For this place to open.

Every day at six.

It's been three days.

I had to do something.

You didn't have to do anything,

but now I have to do something.

So, I'm gonna use this hand truck,

wheel you to the edge of the parking lot, and jettison you into space.

Leaf says the suit will take over once you've hit zero G.

I really hope I never see you again.

I know.

Goodbye, Ada.

Here we go.

Jesus Christ.

File deleted.

Everything okay?

Were you guys trying that diet, Coke, and Mentos thing?

Nobody's out there.

Hey, Bridge, what was that sound?

Bridge?

I have some experience with this.

There's nothing more ominous than static.

Hey, you three, what's going on?

Intruder alert, deck 12.

Intruder, who is it?

Intruder unidentified.

Well, go find out and report back to me.

What the hell?

Need to remain inside.

Who's here, Casper?

I don't fucking know.

Is this a rescue attempt?

Seriously?

What else could it be?

I don't know, man.

Does this does anybody know where I am?

No?

Well, then this is probably a you problem.

Is there anyone that wants you dead?

Absolutely.

Most things.

This wouldn't be Leaf.

It's not his style.

Of course it's not Leaf.

You know, I still don't believe you about him.

The guy collects baseball cards.

Oh, shit.

I know who it could be.

Uh-oh.

Who is it?

Is it the Mandalorian?

Loaf Trex.

Loaf Trex.

Who is this Loaf Trex?

A pirate.

A space pirate, Ted?

Yes!

A space pirate!

Oh, man.

You know, it's never lost on me how dumb it can get out here.

Loaf Trex is incredibly dangerous.

Well, if it is Loaf Trex, you're fine.

They're probably just after your Spanish gold.

We're leaving.

Let's go.

What?

Why?

Let's go.

Robots said stay here.

The robots are idiots.

Let's go.

Drop your weapon.

Do not.

Oh, shit.

Oh, this way.

God damn it, those things are worthless.

Where are we going?

This way.

We can't run away on a spaceship.

In here.

What's that?

The escape pod.

Get in.

You really want to spend more time with me?

There's only room for one.

Get in.

What?

Why aren't there more escape pods?

Oh, yeah.

Let's put a bunch of escape pods right by the holding cells.

Great idea.

What are you gonna do?

Here, take the notes.

The pod will send out a beacon and you'll get picked up by another Ted ship.

They'll figure it out from there.

Ted, no.

Don't, don't do this.

You're gonna get killed.

If you had told me where the doctor is, I wouldn't have to.

Feel bad now?

Good.

Ted.

Then, when they find you, I suggest you tell them where the doctor is.

The trap's already been sprung on the diner, Casper.

It's only a matter of time before we catch it now.

Ted, I tossed her into space.

What are you talking about?

I swear.

She put the diner in danger, so I put her in a spacesuit and I launched her off the edge of the parking lot into deep space.

I don't think she made it back.

I think, um.

I think I may have killed her.

Why did you just tell me that?

Now you don't need me.

Get in the escape pod, Ted.

I'll be fine.

Why did you just tell me that whoever's attacking us is going to kill you?

The thing about your life being in danger?

What if you think you deserve it?

Keeping the notes, though.

Casper!

This is good, Ted.

There's very few things worth sacrificing your life for.

How do you launch it?

Is it the red button?

Okay, red button.

Here we go.

Nice guy

loaf tracks the pirate, huh?

How does one walk the plank in space?

Hello, Casper.

You

Midnight Burger is made possible in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters: Wilson, Anna, Ben and Jessica, Nea, Special K, Billy, Aiden, Bertbert, Existentially Exhausted Bean, Melvis Gray Mystery, Bearkeeper, Ruth, Steven, and our old friend Todd.

Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all.

Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember, we're out there somewhere looking for you.

We open at six.

The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish.

Take advantage of the EV lease incentive and leave the ordinary behind with an epic lineup of electric and hybrid vehicles at the ready.

And right now, qualified lessees of Dodge Charger Daytona, Jeep Grand Cherokee 4xE, and Wrangler 4xE may be eligible for a 7,500 EV lease incentive through Stellantis Financial Services to be factored into their lease calculation.

When leased through Stellantis Financial Services, not all Lessees will qualify.

This incentive is offered by a third party as a cap cost reduction and is subject to change without notice.

Lessee cannot claim EF incentive on personal tax return.

Consult a tax professional for details and eligibility requirements.

Restrictions apply.

Contact your dealer for details.

Offer ends 930.