Chapter 6: Leifs

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More copy?

Yes, please.

So,

right now we are on planet Thagreon.

Yes, I know.

A hundred years ago, there was a deadly plague on Thagreon.

I also know that.

To keep the plague from spreading, they had to shut down travel for years, staying in small communities all over the planet and never interacting with each other.

Eventually, they found a cure.

But Gloria.

But they had stayed separated for so many years that the isolation became ingrained in their culture.

And now...

Do I need to be here for this?

And now it's an entire planet full of small towns that are suspicious of outsiders.

Except for.

Except for one day a year when these communities gather together to remember the millions of people that were killed by the plague.

And on that day.

And on that day, every year, Midnight Burger returns to Thegrion to give some of them a place to sit and talk and drink coffee and remember.

That was a lovely recitation of things I already know.

This is very exciting for me, Ava.

Do tell.

Midnight Burger is a chaotic place.

I never know what to expect.

But now I learned that there are things it does on a schedule.

Now I know that once a year, Midnight Burger comes back to Thegrion.

I can plan for that.

I can build a whole calendar around it.

That sounds very comforting.

Right?

One problem.

Please don't.

Yes, we come back once a year for them.

But guess what?

We do all the time.

Travel through time.

Right.

So we do come back every year, but for us, a year from now could be tomorrow.

That's disappointing.

Sorry.

I'm sitting down.

Ah, don't spill on my notes.

Hey guys, meeting at Ava's booth?

Uh, no.

Has the food seemed all right today?

It hasn't seemed too festive, has it?

What does festive taste like?

I don't know.

It's a global day of mourning for them, and I want the food to be good, but not

too good like it's a part.

I haven't heard any complaints, but I also haven't gotten any compliments.

Perfect.

That's the sweet spot.

Gloria, tuna fish salad is on.

I'll be right there.

I'm going to get used to this, right?

Nope.

I'm always going to be longing for normalcy.

Yep.

And then, if I returned to normalcy, I would get bored and long for this place.

Yep.

No middle ground.

Nope.

Great.

Hey, speaking of normalcy.

Something in the diner is not normal today.

What do you mean?

Well, here we are on planet Thegreon.

Someone in the diner is not from Thegrion.

Really?

Who?

Table 12.

Huh.

How can you tell?

He's trying to pass himself off as a local, but I can tell.

Should I go scope him out?

No.

Why not?

You have a terrible poker face.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

Guys, what's going on?

Ava depressed me, so I sat down for a second.

Ava depresses me all the time, and I remain standing.

Just one more minute.

Look, we actually do a good job for the

gron-the gr- What did we decide we're calling them?

My vote was for the grones, but I got voted down.

Yeah, you're still voted down.

Whatever we're calling them, this is an important day on this planet, and it's one of the few things that we do a good job on, so let's not rest on our laurels.

Okay, I'm getting up.

This is good.

This is usually the point where one of you tell me that we have a problem, but we're doing okay.

We have a problem.

Ah,

snails.

What is it?

Someone here is not one of the thegrones.

Not the name.

Who is it?

Table 12.

Well, he looks like he's from Thegrion.

He's trying to blend in.

It's not working.

I'm gonna go check on him.

It's probably nothing.

Thegronies.

Nope.

Greetings and salutations to all of our friends here on Thegrion.

As ever, we come to you on your day of mourning to help you through your remembrances.

It is a day to remember those whom we've lost.

And though this day of loss may loom long, remember the Psalms.

Weeping may last the night, but joy.

Joy cometh in the morning.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble.

Guys, therefore, we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.

Guys, guys, can you can you tone it down a little bit?

Remember last time there were a few complaints about the sermonizing?

We have been put in this place to speak

I know.

Also, sermonizing is not a word.

I don't know what the word is, Zebulon.

You know what I mean?

I'm not trying to silence the gospel.

The Lord's word transcends the earthly realm.

Yes, okay, sure, but Jesus never made an appearance on Phegrion.

How do you know?

Zebulon, don't get L.

Ron Hubbard on me.

No one here knows what you're talking about when you talk about the Lord.

Guys, please.

I've got bigger fish to fry.

Apparently, there's someone at table 12 that isn't supposed to be here, and I've got to go deal with that.

Table 12.

Effie?

What is it, my dear?

Casper,

you mustn't go to table 12.

Why not?

He is here.

Who?

The devil.

Effie.

Come on.

He comes to tempt us.

You guys are really pouring it on thick today.

I don't know what's going on.

Yes, except for the time when she called herself Dr.

Barbara and led us into a supermassive black hole.

Look, I'm going over to Table 12 now, and the devil is not going to be there.

But then I'll get out my fiddle or something.

Look, just put on some music that the devil would hate, and I'm going to go talk to Table 12.

Hey there, welcome to Midnight Burger.

Can I get you some coffee?

Hello, Casper.

Hello,

Leaf.

And yet, here I am at Table 12.

And looking about 20 years older.

23 years older.

What's happening right now?

What's happening right now is me ordering the Monte Cristo.

I don't know who you are, but this is an important day for us.

I'm not going to mess up your annual pity party on Thegrion.

As long as you don't mess up my sandwich, salad on the side.

Okay.

Coming right up.

Not the devil, unfortunately.

Hey, Leaf.

Hey, how's it going out there?

Fine.

Just fine.

Monte Cristo for table 12.

Sweet.

My favorite.

Side salad.

See, why do people do that?

Getting a salad is not going to erase the fact you just ordered a deep-fried ham sandwich with powdered sugar.

Small problem.

You ordered it.

What?

You ordered it.

Is this some sort of brain teaser?

There's an older version of you sitting at table 12.

He just ordered your favorite sandwich.

Looks like you came around on the efficacy of the side salad.

Let me see.

Wait.

If you see him, want to make a wormhole or something?

Like, that's the weirdest thing that's happened in this kitchen.

Okay, good point.

Okay, just be careful.

Don't make eye contact.

Why shouldn't I make eye contact?

I have no idea.

Just let me look.

No, they should not.

What's he doing here?

What do you think he wants?

I don't know.

He seems mad about something, like the years have not been kind.

I guess I make a time machine at some point.

Yeah.

Or at some point in the future, they're on sale, and you figure, hey, why not?

I guess I've got to go talk to him.

Like, I doubt he's here for the Monte Cristo.

But listen, we're on Thegrion, it's a solemn occasion.

Let's just not mess it up for these people.

It'll be fine, probably.

Man, the kitchen for a sec.

I don't know how it works back here.

It's on autopilot.

I'll be right back.

It's on.

Wait, autopilot?

Hey, guys.

So,

have you heard about our Table 12 situation?

We're of a particular opinion about table 12, Leaf.

Leif, hear me.

Do not trust whomever sits at Table 12.

They are not to be trusted.

It's me sitting at Table 12 from the future.

Oh, is that right?

Why do you think so?

Because he says he is?

Because he looks like you?

Do you know who can change form and speak in many tongues?

Okay, I heard you guys were on one today.

The devil, Laif, that's who, the deceiver.

Trust no word from his mouth.

If I may offer some explanation closer to your particular vocabulary, Leaf,

to many, our establishment looks like a diner, but in fact is so much more.

So, perhaps, when we are presented with an entity that both walks and talks like a duck, we should not be so quick to exclaim, There a duck be!

Okay, sure.

I get it.

Let's get this over with.

Would that I had holy water to splash?

Let us pray, dear.

Hello.

Hello, Lafe.

Monte Cristo's coming right up.

Little surprised by the side solid.

I wouldn't have made that call.

Yeah, well, give it time.

Mind if I sit?

Please.

Okay.

Let's get right to it.

You're me.

That's right.

20 years from now?

23.

Where'd you get the time machine?

I bought it.

Most places I go, time machines are illegal.

Most places, we go, Lafe.

But you'd know where to go if you needed one, wouldn't you?

I suppose I would.

So?

Here I am.

What's so important that you had to break the law of some planet somewhere?

In your experience, why does anyone go back in time to talk to themselves?

You're here to warn me about something.

I'm here to knock some sense.

Look, is this about bejolinth?

I get it.

She's a great girl.

I miss her sometimes too.

I'm not talking about bejolinth, you idiot.

I'm talking about the gold mine.

What about the gold mine?

You walked away.

You could have been somebody, Laif, but you walked away from everything.

I came back here to tell you you made a mistake.

It's It's time to get your ass back to Earth.

Right now.

Hey, Leif, can you make something call us morgus?

Hi.

Oh, what are you doing back here?

Trying to figure out how the kitchen works.

Leaf said it was on autopilot, and I thought that was an actual thing, but nothing is happening automatically, so it looks like that was just a fun joke.

Where is Laif?

Leaf is trying to discreetly handle our situation at Table 12.

What's happening at Table 12?

Ah.

Come on, lay it on me.

Take a look.

No.

Future Leaf is at Table 12.

That's so weird.

It's bizarre.

I can't look away.

You should, though.

It's like looking at an arc welder.

I can't unsee it.

What is old Leaf doing here?

I don't know.

What would you say to yourself 20 years ago?

That Kiana Reeves will end up being the Johnny Depp you were expecting?

No, I'm serious, though.

What could it be?

I don't know.

I don't know anything about Leif.

Well, neither do I.

How is that possible?

I mean, before Leaf, the Leaf and the before times.

He's always very cagey about his life on Earth.

You both are, by the way.

Okay, this isn't a conversation about sharing.

This is a conversation about the future being here at Table 12.

It's also a conversation about you burning that chicken, so give me that spatula.

Here.

It's gotta be a warning, right?

Impending doom?

Is there any way it's not impending doom?

I'm not going back in time to stop anything other than impending doom.

Oh, hey, ask Effie.

You know how she's got the weird woo-woo, I feel the spirits are talking to me things?

Well, I already talked to her.

She thinks the devil is sitting at table 12.

Casper, Jesus, way to bury the weed.

It's not actually the devil.

She's usually in the ballpark, though.

Whoever he is, he's at least devil adjacent.

Hey, what's going on?

Hey, Laif.

Can you guys cover for me?

Just for a minute.

Is everything okay?

Yeah.

I just.

I need a minute.

Gloria, you're good?

Yeah.

Just a regular kitchen, right?

Until it's not.

Could you hand me my recipe book?

Yeah.

Is this it?

Yeah.

Leave what's going on.

Nothing.

Just.

I need to think about something.

Sure.

We'll be fine.

You know, your future self is sitting at table tomorrow.

Don't worry about it.

He was here to talk to me.

Okay, sure.

What the hell was that?

What?

Hey, Laif.

What was the warning from the future?

He's still processing it.

I would also like to process it because the future, you know, is coming.

Look, I've never seen him like this.

I'm going to give him some space.

Oh, great.

Old Laif could be here to warn us about an asteroid headed for the diner, but the important thing is young Laif's personal space.

If an asteroid was going to destroy the diner, old Leaf wouldn't be alive to warn us.

He would be if he was successful in warning us, which at this point he doesn't seem to be.

But

the very presence of Old Leaf would mean that he was successful.

Not if he was the only one to survive the asteroid strike that may or may not be happening.

Huh.

I'm doing the cooking.

Can you handle the time travel, please?

Okay.

Okay, I'm going to go talk to Leaf.

Which one?

Uh,

Old Leaf.

I'm going to to talk to Old Leaf and see if I can get some sort of asteroid warning out of him.

Okay.

Also, coffee and water the tables.

Right.

Guys, the thegronies are getting restless.

Not the name.

Hey, Effie, do you have any additional information for me on table 12 other than it's the devil?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Exactly how detailed do my omens need to be other than it is the dark lord defiler of paradise?

Fine, fine.

Any other portents of doom, like say an asteroid falling out of the sky?

An asteroid named Satan, who fell from the sky when he was cast from heaven.

Okay, okay, okay.

Never mind.

I'm going to table 12.

And the Lord goes with you, Casper.

Hey, old Leaf.

Mind if I sit?

So, let me ask you this.

Is there an asteroid headed for the diner right now?

Why would I go somewhere that's about to be hit by an asteroid?

to warn us

let's see

an asteroid hitting the ground that will be uh several hundred kiloton explosion i'm guessing okay

if i wanted to warn you i imagine i'd just call you on the telephone under the counter rather than risk getting obliterated with everyone else okay

i'll strike it off the list

Why are you here, then?

Look,

we get to know each other pretty well, you and I.

I know how you feel about staying here forever if you have to.

But Leif

Leif walked away from a gold mine back on Earth and wound up here.

I've lived through the consequences of that, and I'm not going to let him do it.

It's time for Laif to go home.

Like a literal gold mine?

That's right.

Leif was a gold miner?

I've said enough.

I didn't come here to talk to you.

I came here to talk to him.

Now I'm going to sit here and wait for two things.

For Leif to get his head right.

And for a Monte Cristo sandwich.

I know this is a big day for you, Casper.

Why don't you get back to taking care of the thegronies?

God damn, we really went with the gronies.

So, 20 years from now, Leaf gets his hands on a time machine and comes back here to warn himself about something?

Looks like it, yeah.

But we don't know what it is.

No.

Well,

that's dumb.

It's dumb?

Yes.

Time travel is dumb.

Okay, I talked to him.

No impending doom.

At all.

No, apparently he's here to get Leaf to go back to Earth.

Why?

I don't know.

It was weird.

Something about walking away from a gold mine?

A gold mine?

A literal gold mine?

Or a figurative gold mine?

I think it's a literal gold mine.

Oh, come on.

That's ridiculous.

Laif is a gold miner?

I know, it sounds ridiculous, but would you put it past him?

No, I can totally see him with a little hat with a light on it.

Is he going to go?

I don't know.

Have you seen him?

He's not back yet.

Well, he's probably in the office.

There's an office.

It's just lawn chairs on the roof.

They call it the office.

What the hell, guys?

I am sick of not knowing things.

We've got a yearly gig on Thegrion.

Didn't know that.

Leif's a gold miner.

There's an office.

Okay, it's not really an office.

Oh, really?

Is it not really an office, Casper?

You know I work very hard here.

You really do?

Things are way better because you're here.

Well, as a way of thanking me, can you please figure out some shit?

Figure out what's going on with Leif?

Because something's not right.

I had a look inside his recipe book when I handed it to him.

It's not a recipe book.

There's math in there and drawings.

What kind of math?

I don't know what the kinds of math are.

Like, mostly letters or mostly numbers?

Letters, I guess.

Any symbols you didn't recognize?

Yes.

What?

What did the drawings look like?

I don't know.

Um

one looked like a monster face, but with one whisker that was like a curly pig's tail.

God damn.

What's happening?

I'm going up to the office.

Shit just got real hilarious, which means I am now fully invested.

What's that about?

I have no idea.

I'll be right back.

Hey, Heffy, Zebulon.

I know you can only tell me what the Lord tells you, but do you think the Lord could have given me a heads up about Leaf possibly going back home to Earth?

Guys?

Casper,

I believe my wife is currently feeling a certain way about you right now.

Really?

How's that?

The most appropriate word I could use to describe it would be

mifed.

Oh, miffed.

Great.

I'm sorry, Effie.

Effie?

I believe she would like you to craft an apology more appropriate to the moment, Casper.

Oh, for God's sake.

Effie,

I want you to know that I'm sorry and that I greatly appreciate the predictions of the future you give us that are so incredibly vague that they are impossible to act on in the moment.

Fine, fine, fine.

Effie.

I should have listened to you.

Though it is not actually the devil sitting at table 12, there is definitely a Satan-like quality to him in that he is trying to tempt Leif away from the diner.

I promise I will do better in the future to be more respectful of all that you do for us.

I'm not sure if I should accept this apology, husband.

Well, it's the Christian thing to do.

Agreed.

Agreed.

I shall prepare myself to forgive you, Casper.

Thanks so much.

And how are you feeling, Casper?

What?

By your account, Leif is considering a return to his home.

It may cause you to feel a certain way.

It's not a prison planet.

People can leave anytime they want.

Yes, they can, my friend.

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Fucking

shit.

Ladder.

Ava, what are you doing?

Contracting tetanus, probably.

This ladder is a death trap.

Be careful.

I'm being careful.

God damn it.

There.

Hello, Leif.

What are you doing up here?

Give me your recipe book.

Why?

Because it's not a recipe book.

How do you know?

Because there's calculations in it.

Gloria said she saw a drawing of a monster's face with a single whisker like a curly pig's tail.

But that's not a drawing of a monster's face, Leif.

That's a Feynman diagram to chart the collision of particles.

So you either take your chili recipe very seriously, or that's not a recipe book.

That's an engineering notebook.

Here.

Take it.

Thank you.

Well,

this is like the Sears catalog, isn't it?

It's just some ideas.

Bold Fusion.

Come on, perpetual motion machine.

Almost got that one.

Where'd you go to school, Leaf?

Berkeley.

Oh, yup.

Dr.

Brooks.

He's brilliant.

He smells like celery.

I used to work at this place.

It's called the Large Underground Xenon Experiment.

Or Lux, for short?

Shit.

How did you know?

What do you mean, how did I know?

I'm a genius, idiot.

Have I not told you lately?

You've actually told me way more times than an average person should.

The other Leaf down there kept saying you walked away from a gold mine.

The large underground xenon experiment conducted at the bottom of an abandoned gold mine in South Dakota.

What'd you find down there, Leaf?

We found what we were looking for.

Dark matter.

Yeah.

Wow!

That's huge, Leaf.

We found it in week three.

It was a two-year experiment.

So we just kept going.

At month six, I had captured it.

At month eighteen, I had made a battery and was powering a halogen bulb with it.

You...

you discovered an unlimited source of clean energy on Earth?

Yes.

And now you're making brunch for the Thegronis one galaxy over?

What happened?

No good deed goes unpunished, right?

We were getting ready to show the world what we had discovered down at the bottom of that gold mine.

We fantasized about a world full of free energy.

No pollution, no rolling blackouts.

And then, one night, we came up from the mine and someone was waiting for us.

The government.

Yes.

But not of Earth.

What?

You're saying an alien race came and took your toys away?

They were a concerned neighbor.

What are you talking about?

You know at Christmas time, when a neighbor comes over and lets you know that your Christmas lights could possibly burn your house down?

Imagine that, but on a planetary scale.

An alien race said that your experiment was going to destroy everything?

They're called the Teds.

They're like the hall monitors of the Milky Way.

They see an emerging civilization about to destroy itself, but they politely step in and say,

Hey,

you're about to destroy everything, guys.

Seriously?

The Teds?

I don't know what to tell you.

Their planet is called Ted.

They're the Teds.

It's a stupid name.

How did you take them seriously with a name like the Teds?

I took them seriously because they came down in a big glowing spaceship.

They could have been called the Abe Vagodas.

Sign.

Can you explain to me how, in the world, an unlimited source of clean energy could destroy anything?

You know the end of that thought.

Someone was going to turn it into a weapon, somehow.

I find that hard to believe, Lee.

Somebody always does.

You know Taoist monks invented gunpowder?

They used it for medicine.

Look what happened.

And this friendly alien neighbor, named Ted, you just took their word for it?

They made a very convincing argument.

What I made down there was going to change the world.

But the world has to be ready for change.

You know, I've got this meat cleaver down in the kitchen.

I use it for everything.

It's great.

Chopping meat, breaking down a chicken.

I can't live without it.

But if I took this incredibly useful tool and put it in the hands of a three-year-old, it would just be dangerous.

They convinced me that I had invented a meat cleaver on a planet full of three-year-olds.

Anyway,

they were going to take our research, leave us with nothing.

So I made some demands.

One demand.

I said if they were going to take away my life's work, then they had to give me a ride.

A ride?

They dropped me off at Sirius A.

There's a massive station there.

Ships going to every part of the galaxy.

I got a job as a cook on a ship.

Then another.

And another.

And then.

And then suddenly there was a diner.

Yeah.

Well,

origin stories are fun.

So, what about the leaf downstairs?

He says you made a mistake?

He says that in 20 years, Earth manages to mess itself up anyway.

If that's the case, why not at least have the fame?

Why not at least be one of those guys, Nobel Prize, shapers of the world, or whatever?

Why not?

I can't stay out here forever, can I?

You can.

Should I?

I don't know.

How long are you going to stay out here?

As long as it takes.

As long as it takes to do what?

Figure it out.

Figure what out?

Everything.

Everything.

Yes.

Literally all the things.

You're going to figure them out.

Correct.

That's a tall order.

Yes.

But

we have a ladder.

Look, I didn't come up here to help you decide.

I mainly came up here to brag that I figured out your secret.

And now I'm done bragging.

So I think you should come down from the treehouse and face yourself.

Okay,

one Monte Cristo sandwich for the the temporal anomaly.

Thanks.

Anything else?

Yeah.

They've got a cruiser in orbit to take us back to Earth.

They're not going to wait forever.

Can you tell Laif to speed it up back then?

We happen to be in the middle of brunch service here.

Brunch service.

For a planet full of people still crying over something that happened a hundred years ago.

I can see why that's important to someone like you, Casper.

But there's bigger issues at play here.

Okay, it's becoming clear that I share way too much with you in the years to come.

Hey, I'm back.

Casper, give us a minute.

Sure, sure.

Let me know if you need anything.

You know,

it's pretty hard for me to look at that side salad.

Yeah, you're hilarious.

Have you worked out all your little feelings yet?

Can we get out of here?

What's the plan exactly?

The plan is

we get on the ship I booked and go back to Earth.

You revive your research and line up investors.

What about the Teds?

I'll handle the Teds.

I know how to deal with them.

You focus on erasing your screw-ups.

You feel this comfortable being an asshole to yourself?

I feel just fine.

Oh, I'm sorry, Lathe.

Do you not like me?

No.

Not at all.

Then, how about you devote the rest of your life to not ending up like me?

How's that sound?

Okay.

Okay, fine.

If that's what it takes.

Casper,

what transpires at table 12?

I don't know.

Leaf's having a conversation with himself.

We are very concerned about said conversation, Casper.

Really?

I hadn't noticed.

I don't see how you can let him sit down with such a master of life.

Effie, it's not the devil.

It's just Leaf.

Again, it's Leaf twice.

What's going on down here?

Leaf Leaf is sitting down with himself, and Effie is trying to convince me that it's not actually another Leaf, that it's actually someone else.

It is actually someone else.

What?

It is.

Dearest.

What is it, darling?

There is another.

What's poppin', the Groonies?

I'm looking for a couple of leafs.

Even older leaf?

Oh, this is getting real dumb.

There they are!

Aloha, dickheads!

Is that me again?

That's right, Laif!

It's you!

40 years in the future!

Are you fucking kidding me?

Laif!

This older version of you has come from the future to convince you that you've made a terrible mistake.

Guess what granddad's here to do?

Is he gonna sing?

I hope he sings.

Laif,

as I'm sure you've noticed, the second version of you has turned out to be an intolerable fuckface.

And he is now using that fuckfacery to try and convince you to go back to Earth so that you won't become him.

I'm gonna need a flowchart for this.

But I'm here to tell you that the next 20 years are different.

You spent years wasting your time being as bitter as Baker's chocolate when you could have spent all that time making sweet love to all kinds of alien ladies.

Am I right, the Gronies?

Who's with me?

Attention, everyone named Leaf.

Please report to the cash register at this time.

Thank you.

The Gronies, please resume mourning.

We are sorry for the disturbance.

Ha ha, the Gronies.

Oh, shut up.

Casper, I'm so sorry about this.

I don't know what's going on.

What the hell are you doing here?

You really want to fuck up your life?

A gun man's fucked up life is another man's life of bliss, youngster.

I can't believe this.

Do you ever learn?

Ever?

No.

Usually,

when a person is angry at someone, they're actually just mad at themselves.

But this time it's literally true.

We have a notebook full of ideas that can change the world.

But you just want to stay out here?

Floating in the cosmos like a cork in the ocean?

Funny thing about changing the world, it just goes and changes again and again

and again.

And at a certain point, you say to yourself, am I changing the world?

Or is the world just changing on its own?

And I keep convincing myself it was me that did it.

You're a senile old man, you know that?

I'm not going to lie to you.

You could be right.

The years have not been kind to this gray matter.

But let me ask you this.

If you're in an argument with a senile old man and you're losing, well, what does that say about you?

Okay, Leafs, this is not the time or the place for this.

Can we wrap this up somehow?

Good idea.

Leif, pack your shit.

Let's get out of here and forget about this old idiot.

I don't know.

He's making some valid points.

Ah, for fuck's sake.

You know what, Leafs?

This has been a hoot, but I think I can put an end to this nonsense.

Give me a sec.

Where are you going?

Relax.

Is really what you want?

Making eggs for a bunch of sad saps on the far end of some galaxy?

When you can finally be respected respected for who you are.

Who am I?

Ava, what are you doing?

I've got poached eggs happening.

Old Leaf, even older leaf, meet Gloria.

Who is that?

You don't know?

Stop cocking me.

There's three of them now.

Oh, no.

Seriously, stop it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't you know Gloria, our new waitress?

You should, since you're two know-it-alls from the future.

Did I know her?

And then forget I know her?

I don't understand.

How is this possible?

Why don't they know Gloria?

They don't know her because time travel is...

what, Gloria?

Dumb.

Because time travel is dumb.

Can you maybe expand on that?

I'm gonna make a fist, and I am gonna punch Casper in the arm.

Great.

And when my fist hits his arm, it will spawn infinite timelines within infinite timelines, as every action does.

In one timeline, it somehow kills him.

In one timeline, I miss his arm completely.

Can I pick her?

In one timeline, I'm somehow Karen Allen.

Bad dates indeed.

And with infinite timelines upon infinite timelines, you three allegedly smart men still have a simplistic Michael J.

Fox-ass concept of time travel.

Shit.

You didn't go back in time to talk to Leaf.

You went back in time to talk to a Leaf of infinite Leafs.

So there's no way to tell how he's gonna end up.

Will he be bitter old Leaf?

Will he be even older Zen like Leaf?

Could be both.

Could be none.

There's no way of knowing.

So all your attempts to influence Leaf are just making more and more infinite timelines that are completely out of your control.

Is there a timeline where I murder you for not mentioning this earlier?

No, there isn't, because in every timeline, you are a big one.

So in their timeline, I don't work here?

Correct.

How did you know that?

I didn't.

It was just a hunch.

How did I not see this?

I mean, I've got an excuse because I'm super old and forgive things.

Not sure how you missed it.

So what am I supposed to do now?

Just go back to my old crappy timeline and deal with its crappiness?

It's what all of us do every day, isn't it?

This sucks.

Well, this is certainly an astounding turn of events.

I must confess, I don't really understand much of what's happening, but I do know that Old Leaf seems to suffer the pains of regret.

Oh, please, not a Bible verse.

I recall Philippians.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Forgetting those things which are behind me, reaching forth unto those things that are before me, I press toward the high calling of God.

Wow, look at that!

Everything's better now!

You know, old Laith, in a way, your plan worked.

By just meeting you, there is

no way I'm going to end up being you.

Because being you looks really miserable, man.

I don't even have to go back to Earth to do that.

I could just, you know, not be you.

Well, that's great for you.

But guess what?

I'm still me, and I'm still miserable.

Look, youngster, I know how you feel.

I know how you feel, because 20 years ago, I was feeling the exact same way you're feeling now.

So I'll tell you what.

I'm going to offer you what I wish older me would have offered me back when I was you.

I'm so confused right now.

I know for a fact that if there's anything you excel at, it's beating yourself up.

So let's do this thing for real.

What do you say?

I'm saying you and me out in the parking lot.

Just our hatred for ourselves and our own bare knuckles.

Fistfight in the parking lot.

Oh, shh.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Tyler Durden.

The Gronies, a solemn occasion.

No.

No, I think that's a good idea.

That

feels good.

I think I would like that.

My hand is up.

I would like that as well.

I think I've got some pent-up aggression.

I think that would be good for me.

Now we're talking.

There is not going to be a fist fight in the parking lot while people are mourning.

This isn't Boston.

Casper!

Casper!

Chill, chill, man!

Look, I may be out of my timeline here, but I think I know the Thegronis.

Watch this:

Attention!

Thegronies!

100 years ago, something terrible happened on this planet.

Millions of people died in a terrible plague.

And as I have just learned today,

there are no true time machines in life.

Even the things we literally call time machines are not actually time machines.

It's complicated.

I won't get into it here, but look,

you can't turn back the clock.

What's done

is done.

For too long, the people of this planet have hung their heads in pain and loss.

And to what end?

How long must the morning persist?

Would those who have passed on want us to say goodbye forever?

And if it is forever, is it even a goodbye?

Maybe it's time for a change.

Maybe it's time to cast aside our morning garments, lift up our heads, go out into the parking lot, and watch two grown-ass men beat the crap out of each other.

What do you say?

Yeah!

Are you with me?

Let's shake the dust off, Fegrion!

Alright,

everybody out in the parking lot.

The fight starts in five minutes.

Everybody get a good spot!

I've been looking forward to this my whole life, and I didn't even realize it.

I'm going out there.

Ava, what are you doing?

Well, I'm getting this jug of moonshine and going out in the parking lot to watch a fistbite.

Suck on that, Stephen Hawk!

This is ridiculous.

Laif?

Casper?

Listen, I know this whole thing seems a little bananas, but old Laif really needs this right now.

He's got a lot of issues to work out.

Issues?

Are you kidding me?

He's gonna kill you out there.

What are you, 80?

83?

But listen, just between us, at this point in my life, I'm like 30% cybernetic.

He will not be expecting my left hook because it's made of high-tensile chromite.

Right?

You guys coming?

It's going to be a barred burner.

Nope.

No.

Thank Fair enough.

Fair enough.

Leaf, why don't we go back in the kitchen and avoid the psychologically scarring vision of you beating the shit out of you?

Good call.

Later, boys.

Hey, even older Leif.

Are you happy?

Happy?

What's that mean?

I am Leif.

I am.

Yeah, okay.

Effie, Zebulon, it's been a treat seeing you two again.

Even older Leaf,

it has been heartening to know that Leaf has found some peace in his later years, though we must say we find physical violence to be abhorrent.

Isn't that right, my dear?

I.

Yes.

It's we

yes, it's bad.

Dear?

Yes, yes, of course.

Our lord is a god of peace.

Indeed?

Unless

You're a merchant outside of the temple, they'll look out for the chokehold of Jesus.

Honey!

I'm sorry, dear.

You know I have a special affinity for Fisticoffs ever.

Ever since your wedding, I remember the story.

Your cousin Bobby said something to insult your honor, and Zebulon knocked two of his teeth out.

Isn't that right, Zeb?

Well, I was young and impetuous.

I love that story.

You know,

you two are a couple of the best friends I ever had.

That's heartening to hear, Life.

In light of that, I should probably tell you why I really came here today.

Why you...

really came here?

You asked me to, Effie.

Many years from now.

Oh my.

Why did she do that?

Well, it's a little hard to explain to a couple of Arkansas Sawyers from 1925.

Let's put it this way: I'm going to attach a small device to the back of the radio.

It's going to make the voice of the Lord a lot easier to hear.

Don't worry, you won't feel a thing.

Take my hand, dear.

There you go.

No harm done.

Now,

when things get weird in the days to come, just remember,

it's all part of the plan.

I am scared of the plan.

No need, Effie.

You know exactly what you're doing.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to head out to the parking lot and kick my ass.

It was good to see you guys again.

Just so you know, if future me ever shows up, I quit.

Thanks for taking over, Gloria.

Everything go okay?

It did.

It was nice to be back in the kitchen.

I kept losing the parmesan, though.

Yeah, the parmesan doesn't have spatial permanence.

You're gonna have to look for it every time.

Sure.

You doing okay, Leif?

Yeah.

I'm alright.

Weird day.

A bit odd.

Yeah.

Isn't it weird that I feel normal right now?

Yes.

No.

It's not?

No.

We have visitors from the future, Gloria.

I know.

But right now, out in the parking lot, there is a fistfight going on between the person Leif could have become and the person Leif wound up being.

You don't know who's winning and you don't know who to root for, and they'll fight out there forever if we let them.

And that is the most human thing that has happened since I got here.

Look at Gloria.

Working the grill, delivering truisms.

What is that music?

Is that Latin music?

Are Zeb and Effie playing Latin music?

I think they are.

Thanks for listening to Midnight Birder, y'all.

Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember we're out there somewhere looking for you.

We open at six.

The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-litre jug.

When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Oh, come on.

They called it truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your holidays.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.