Chapter 4: What's the Frequency Dearest?

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, No, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Yeah, aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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You're just gonna sit there and watch me fill these ramekins?

I like manual labor.

It helps me think.

Well, then do so.

No, watching it helps me think.

It's like watching a line of ants.

It's very relaxing.

Fine.

Hey,

speaking of relaxed, do you ever feel like life is almost too relaxed?

He goes with the flow no matter what.

It's weird.

Oh, yeah?

Watch this.

Hey Leaf.

Yeah.

You know, I've been thinking about it, and I don't know.

I still feel like a hot dog is a sandwich.

For fuck's sake!

Oh my god.

I can't believe we have to go through this again.

Again!

But it's in my hand and it's between two things.

It is surrounded by one thing on three sides.

What are you not getting about this?

I don't see how it can't be a sandwich.

You don't see?

You don't see.

LAF.

Oh my god.

It seems like you have a very limited definition of a sandwich.

That's the whole...

Ow!

What is happening?

What was that award you got?

The gravity thing?

Well, I've received many accolades, Leave.

You gave some sort of speech in Belgium?

The Society of European Physicists?

My award-winning paper on gravity waves?

Exactly.

You figured something out that literally no one on earth had figured out.

And you can't wrap your mind around hand food taxonomy.

Leaf, what are you yelling about?

Sandwiches, apparently.

Again, Ava?

Hey, I'm a scientist.

I have a commitment to the truth.

I don't have time for this.

No, you do not.

For we are only two hours from our new destination, and Leaf has not yet cleaned the grill.

Gloria, are we ready up here?

Yeah, just let let me put out these sugars.

Hey, Effie, where are we headed?

Well, I'm certain that I don't know, dear.

You're not doing it right, Gloria.

Right.

Effie, what does the Lord tell you about where we're headed?

The Lord tells me of a golden city surrounded by.

Uh-oh.

Oh, no.

What happened?

I tripped and I accidentally...

I knocked the radio over.

Zeb?

Effie, can you guys hear us?

Guys, I think the dial might have moved a little bit.

What station was it on?

I don't know.

You don't know?

I've never changed the station.

Ever?

They always told me not to.

Well, what do we do?

Guys, why are you freaking out?

Just search around for the station.

Why are we stopping?

It's not time for us to stop.

Did I break the diner?

Ava?

Where are we?

Um...

Space?

Can you narrow that down?

The bad part?

Ava!

Have a look.

What is that?

It's a gazebo.

What do you think it is?

That thing you do?

That I hate?

Where you joke around in a moment of crisis?

It's a supermassive black hole.

Are we heading towards it?

Technically, everything is.

Hey, what's going on?

Have we stopped already?

Whoa.

Is that what I think it it is?

That depends.

Do you think it's imminent doom?

What the hell happened?

I broke the diner.

We don't know what happened.

Gloria accidentally moved the dial on the radio.

We lost Zeb and Effie, and everything stopped.

We are not supposed to change the station.

It was an accident.

Well, let's get them back.

I don't know what the station is, do you?

I don't know what the station is.

I've never changed it.

Well, we're a finely tuned Swiss watch again, aren't we?

I don't want to add too much urgency to the situation, but a supermassive black hole has the mass of one million suns, and we're basically swan diving into it right now.

That's too many suns.

Somebody should fix that.

We'll be okay, right?

Isn't this place indestructible or something?

It may be.

We're sure as hell not.

I mean, I'd rather not die by being compressed into a ball of matter the size of a boba, but I would get some great data right before that.

Okay, I'm just going to start cranking on the dial until I hear someone from Arkansas.

Okay.

Okay, there are no numbers on the dial.

Would it matter if there were?

Guess not?

Okay.

Here we go.

Welcome back, sports fans.

I'm Kitty Caldwell here with Bram Frampton.

The sun is shining, the grass is green, which could only mean it's time to put some blood on it.

Effie.

Effie, can can you hear us?

Today we'll watch as the Indianapolis Colts attempt to stampede all over the Miami Dolphins.

And though the visual of horses trampling dolphins is a disturbing one, none of that matters because it's football season.

That's right.

It's once again time for the greatest athletes in the world to toss around a pigskin while you sit at home tossing around a bag of pigskins because you're too lazy to walk them across the room to your roommate.

Bram.

Eve, what are you you doing?

Off-planet betting.

This is going to be a good game.

We have a phone.

Kitty, the championship season is quickly approaching, and teams are beginning to drop off the roster faster than you can say.

Chronic, traumatic, encephalopathy.

The Steelers lose to the Bills 23 to 57, and the Ravens get nevermore by the Chiefs 11 to 13.

But let's get to the real news of the day.

Let's do it.

Court, it's Lafe.

Give me 500 on the Colts.

But what is the phone connected to?

Um, gotta go.

Teams win or lose, but the real news from coast to coast is one name and one name only.

That's right, Mr.

Raynard Lewis, sweet number 17 himself.

Guys, take it off the station.

17 touchdowns in his rookie season, ready to go even further this season and very, very popular with the ladies.

Oh, I've got a brand new pair of roller skates.

He's got a brand new key to my pants.

Take it off.

Hey, what's the problem?

We're moving faster.

We picked up speed as soon as the station came on.

Does the radio control the diner?

No, I mean, I don't think so.

When is there a relationship between Zeb and Effie and the diner's navigation?

There probably always was.

We just never changed the station before.

Oh, if only there was a scientist around to figure this out for us.

You want me to figure it out right now?

I feel like that's something you should know.

This has definitely never happened before.

Guys, come on.

How are we supposed to know?

I have an excuse because I just got here.

You mean to tell me it never occurred to anyone to say, hey, there's a satiant old-timey radio in this diner.

I wonder what that's all about.

Um

Ava?

I was getting around to it.

Isn't this more of an after-we're out of danger conversation?

Okay, good point.

Uh, Ava, how much time do we have?

I don't know.

There's not a speedometer on the diner.

Let's try another station.

That'll make us go faster, won't it?

Will it?

Can we not guesstimate our way into the supermassive black hole?

I'm trying another station.

We can't just sit here.

Okay,

here we go.

the coast of Sicily without any nation offering asylum.

For more on this, here's Algernon Westveld Fischel.

For 29 days now, these Syrian refugees have been in a living hell right off the coast.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, off!

Shit!

We're going faster again!

What the hell?

If we do nothing, we get sucked in.

If we do something, we get sucked in faster.

What the fuck are we supposed to do?

Let's start paddling.

Hang on.

Hang on.

Oh, ball.

What is it?

The Steelers lose to the Bills 23 to 57.

Nevermore the Ravens 11 to 13.

Number 17, 19 touchdowns, 23 refugees, 29 days.

God.

Can we get an invite to the brain party?

2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29.

Are you playing Kino or something?

God, it's prime numbers.

All in a row.

That can't be a coincidence.

If it isn't a coincidence, what is it?

Prime numbers are how you introduce yourself to an intelligent species.

It's kind of a, you know, hey, how are you?

We both recognize prime numbers.

They're getting our attention.

So they can communicate with us.

I'm guessing they can, but not directly.

Great.

Easy things are boring anyway.

Oof, I need more data.

Okay, I'm a Capricorn.

We need to turn the dial again.

I thought turning the dial sends us faster towards our friend.

Right now, our options are a quick death or a slow death.

We should probably get some more options.

Okay, fine.

At least you do it this time.

Maybe you'll get lucky.

Okay.

Okay, yeah.

I'm feeling lucky.

Here we go.

Welcome back to Garden Time, everyone.

Liz here.

I'm sitting down with Marv Garvin of the North Forks Community Garden Center.

Marv, what should we be looking out for in our gardens right now?

Well, Liz, as you know, it is time for everyone to pull up their turnips.

Yes.

Things are getting very real out there.

So real.

Since late summer, gardeners everywhere have been asking themselves one question.

Is my soil loose enough?

And now they're about to find out.

Like nature scratch off lotto ticket.

Oh my.

That's a good one, Liz.

Thanks, Mark.

We like to have fun.

If you've got questions about your turnips, your beets, or whatever else you're pulling up, give us a call.

This is giving me things.

I'm 180-0360.

Let's jump right in.

Our first caller is Gloria.

Oh, my, all the way from Arizona.

How are you today, Gloria?

Hey, Liz.

Long time, first time.

Thanks so much for taking my call.

I've got a really big problem that I'm heading towards in my garden.

Hope you can help.

We'll do our darndest, Gloria.

My problem is,

what's a gardening problem?

Uh, blight?

Blight?

Is that a thing?

Oh, shit.

Shut it off.

What could you have possibly gotten from that?

459-018-0360.

We're gonna use a Cartesian coordinate system on the radio dial.

45 degrees, 90 degrees, 180, and 360.

That's how we're gonna find stations on the dial.

The dial didn't have numbers, now it has numbers.

So we're just gonna keep doing this decodering bullshit until the black hole squeezes us like a lemon?

Said the guy who's not offering any solutions at all.

This is good, right?

We know how to turn the dial.

Now we need to know where.

It's good to have a plan.

I like plans.

Everything Everything we do to escape sends us faster into the black hole.

I hate this plan.

Tough titties.

Leaf.

What was that thing you did when we were stuck in that nebula?

Vent the grease trap?

Yes, do that.

Okay.

Hang on.

That's not going to slow us down at this point.

No, it's not, Dr.

Smarty Pants, but if he vents the grease trap laterally, it will give us spin around the black hole, creating centrifugal force that will pull away from the center and slow us down at least a little bit.

Who's the scientist now?

Still not you.

Hang on to something.

This is going to get bumpy.

The dial moved.

Everybody, quiet.

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137, huh?

Okay, shut it off.

Okay.

I vented all the grease.

Hopefully that will buy us some time.

Turn the dial to 137 degrees.

Ava.

Pretend the dial has a clock face on it.

Turn the dial to somewhere between four and five o'clock.

You can't be any more specific than that.

Just do it.

Okay.

Okay.

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The Willis and Cabbage program presented by Lucky Strike.

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Are you sure this is the right station?

Nobody knows.

Damn, now I want a cigarette.

I thought this was supposed to be the right station.

Just listen.

Well, now, Mrs.

Cabbage, what's with all this feminine nonsense laying around?

Oh, Willis, don't be a pill now.

These are the clothes I'm donating to the women's shelter.

Ah, those poor ladies must admire an upper west side lady like yourself.

They did.

Then they met my husband.

One more remark like that and I'll leave you on 80th Avenue where I found you.

Don't threaten me with a good time.

You know that's where Sabars is.

80th, go to 230.

Welcome back to Not Too Late.

I'm Dr.

Barbara.

What the fuck?

I hope everyone's holidays were nice, impecunious, and restful.

And if they weren't restful, I hope you're glad they're they're over.

Frank, how are your holidays?

You know, Doc, my stepmother hit us with the fruitcake again.

Oh, no, the fruitcake.

Nobody eats it.

We don't know what to do with it.

It's a problem.

Oh, you poor thing.

Doc, so much of our holidays are about handling problems.

You know, Frank, it's funny you mention that because that's what I want to talk about today with our callers.

Holiday problems.

For some people, the holidays are a yearly crisis, and they really shouldn't be.

Okay, I'm done with this.

Give me the phone.

So, let's hear from you about your crisis.

Give us a call at 666-338-6570.

Frank, who have we got on the line?

Up first, we've got Casper calling in from...

This is odd.

It just says, super massive black hole.

Well, that's weird.

We're gonna have to talk to the screeners about that one.

Casper, how are you tonight?

I'm not good, Dr.

Barbara.

I'm headed towards a particular particular holiday right now, and it's about to crush me and all the people I care about.

Okay, Casper, let's not overreact.

No, I literally mean it.

No offense to Frank and his fruitcake, but my particular fruitcake has the gravitational pull of one million suns.

And the two people who are supposed to prevent that are nowhere to be found.

I know it's stressful.

Things are supposed to work, Barbara.

They're supposed to work.

You're supposed to be able to rely on them.

Not everything, not everything has to work, but some things.

Some things you should be able to rely on.

The world is too cruel to not have things to rely on.

And when those things go away, you end up hurtling towards a supermassive black hole without anything to protect you.

Jasper.

Effie.

I know that's you.

Zebulon.

Come on.

You're not a late-night radio shrink.

You're two goddamn yokels in 1925, Arkansas.

You know what?

I don't even know if you're that.

I don't know what you are, but I know that I depend on you.

One of the few things that I depend on and now you're gone and we're all floating towards our doom

hello

can he go out there he's fine in the parking lot so

are we screwed what does impecunious mean leaf it means poor really yeah

word a day calendar i buy it every year She used it wrong.

She used it like it meant relaxing.

It kind of stood out, didn't it?

Hmm.

What could that mean?

Go back to the first station we tried.

We're really cutting it close here.

We don't have anything to lose at this point.

Okay.

Kitty, the bench is cleared and we are looking at an all-out brawl on the 50-yard line.

Graham, this crowd is noisome.

Noisome means smelly.

Huh.

Try the next one.

Later, while speaking from the Epistolary in Brazil, the president was quoted as saying,

I do what I want.

I'm popping.

Epistolary isn't a place.

It means written in a letter.

Oh, God.

I think I know where this is going.

Try another.

Meanwhile, this Marv, it's time to talk peppers.

I thought things were getting a little spicy in here.

Oh, Marv, you're obstreperous.

Nope.

Obstreperous means stubborn.

What's happening?

One more.

Willis, can you help me with this?

Mrs.

Cabbage, what is it now?

I'm writing a thank-you note to Mrs.

Tate, and I was wondering if you could take a look at it.

Very well then, let's see.

Mrs.

Cabbage, there aren't any words on this page.

Well, that's the first problem.

What am I supposed to do with this, Mrs.

Cabbage?

If you could just give me a starting place.

How about starting with the first letter?

It's gone.

They're all gone.

What's happening?

Try starting with the first letter.

The first letter of each wrong word.

It spells in AO.

I don't know that one.

It's Latin.

It means go in.

Go in where?

No way.

I think they mean our buddy out there.

They want us to go into a supermassive black hole.

Unless you can think of something else.

Why would they tell us to do that?

I don't know.

That's bad.

I don't like that at all.

And I'm thrilled.

It's going to kill us.

Not necessarily.

Honestly, no one knows what happens inside one of those.

It's not just a lot of gravity.

It's a complete breakdown of the basic forces of the universe.

Who knows what happens when you decide to cruise right into it?

Well, I was gonna lose that bet on the Colts anyways, so

dodge that bullet.

So there's nothing to be done.

I could use a refill on my coffee, you know, since you're up.

I'm gonna go talk to Casper.

Hey.

Hey.

So,

we have a plan.

No, we don't.

No, we really don't.

Ava thinks the message Zeb and Effie are trying to send us is to go into the black hole.

That's counterintuitive.

You're telling me.

Okay.

Fine.

Fuck it.

Funny that they look like suns, huh?

Black holes?

Like a photo negative of a sun.

Yeah.

You know what else is funny?

That we're standing in a parking lot on the edge of a black hole and we're like,

sure, whatever.

Yeah.

I knew this guy.

He was a bartender on one of those pleasure cruisers on Niso.

Niso.

Oh yeah.

Yeah those are nice.

Niso's just paradise, right?

Most beautiful place I've ever seen.

Just cruising on clear, calm water all day and night.

And I said to him, man,

you've got the best job.

You get the same view as the paying customers, and you get paid to be here.

And he leaned into me and he said,

you know what, Leif?

You'd be surprised what can become just another fucking job.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

You seemed pretty freaked out in there, man.

Which is understandable.

You know, supermassive black hole and all.

You know, for a while it was just me and them.

Before you showed up, before Ava.

A long time ago, I walked into what I thought was a diner in.

Where was I?

Bakersfield.

I walked into an abandoned diner, and suddenly, the old-timey radio next to the cash register started talking to me.

And I thought, okay,

the radio's talking to me.

My psychotic break has arrived.

This will be fun.

But then, 24 hours later, I was on Gary On.

Oh, yeah?

Gary On was your first shift?

Yeah.

Gary on two or three?

Two.

Two's way better.

Right?

The chopped cheese?

It's the best.

People don't know.

Anyway.

I saw some weird shit before you guys showed up.

And I was glad that they were there for me.

I depended on them.

When you literally don't have ground beneath your feet, other things become the ground.

And when those things fail too, where does that leave you?

Things are supposed to work.

I like it when things work.

Hey.

For all we know, Ava is right, and this is part of their plan.

Maybe things keep working.

They just don't work in the way we expect them to.

Yeah.

Let's hope.

We're coming up on it.

We should get inside.

Here we go.

Last coffee before the supermassive black hole.

Cool.

Sure, I'll have some.

Mind if I join you?

Well, I don't normally receive gentlemen callers at my booth.

I'm sitting down.

I have five theories about what awaits us inside the black hole.

Would you like to hear them?

I really wouldn't.

Okay, seriously.

What's your secret with the coffee?

Why is it so good?

It's complicated, Leif.

I put the appropriate amount in the filter and then I don't let it sit too long on the burner.

Did you really get some sort of award in Belgium?

I did.

But it was bittersweet because I had to share the award with one other scientist.

A bummer.

One might say that in Belgium, my ego was a bit...

Don't do it.

Bruised.

How dare you?

Here comes Imminent Doom.

Anything to say before we're all erased?

I'm glad you're here.

I know.

And we're back.

I guess so.

Well, that's lame.

I guess when you go through a black hole, you end up

on the other side of the black hole.

It was way better in the movie.

Effie?

Zebulon, are you guys there?

This sounds like their music.

Well, hey there, Gloria.

We thought we'd lost you for a moment.

Oh, thank God.

Guys, what happened?

Well, I'm sure we don't know.

Oh, come on.

Wait, we went through a whole thing over here.

And to you guys, we just cut out for a second.

That's right.

One moment you were there, the next you weren't, and then you were again.

Wait, nothing about, you know, the colts versus the dolphins?

Well,

I've never owned a horse, Casper, but I don't see what kind of ill will

they might have towards a sea creature.

What the hell?

I want my money back.

We went through a black hole.

I can't say I know anything about that, Lake.

But I'm sure that no matter the instance, the Lord had a plan.

Tell the Lord his plan blows.

Ava, you prefer we get squished by the black hole?

Kind of.

Now, I wouldn't speak too harshly of the Lord's plans, Ava.

For it appears that the Lord's plan for today involves a bit of rest and relaxation.

Have a look outside, y'all.

Oh, hey.

Holy shit.

It's Niso.

It's beautiful.

This place is the best.

You've been here before?

Yeah.

Been a long time.

Not mad about the black hole anymore.

Oh, hey.

A pleasure cruiser's talking.

We've got 12 hours.

Who's in the mood for a day cruise?

Oh, hell yeah.

Follow me.

Sorry you didn't discover the secrets of the black hole.

There's always tomorrow.

Show me around.

Okay.

Hang on, though.

Hey, you two?

I've got questions.

Just wanted to let you know.

Only the Lord provides answers, Ava.

Yeah,

sure.

See you in 11 hours and 59 minutes.

Quite a storm we had, my dear.

Indeed, husband.

Indeed.

thanks for listening to midnight burger y'all be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness and if time and tide roil you too harshly or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens just remember we're out there somewhere looking for you.

We open at six.

Oh, there

the people.

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