Chapter 3: The Ex Stops By

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians.

These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds.

Visit progressive.com to see if you could save.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates.

Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations.

Look, if you're still buying weed from some guy guy named Trevor in a parking lot, you're doing it wrong.

Mood.com delivers legal THC products straight to your door.

Gummies, vapes, flour, the good stuff.

No sketchy DMs, no med card.

Just add to cart, checkout, and boom, it's at your doorstep.

It's legal in all 50 states thanks to the Farm Bill, and Mood's products actually work.

Seriously, this isn't gas station garbage.

It's small batch.

Lab-tested, real results.

Go to mood.com, use code FIRST20 for 20% off, and never run dry again.

That's mood.com.

Go get lit, legally.

Lee,

are you back there?

Yeah, what's up?

I don't know where we are right now, but I'm getting all kinds of crazy orders, and I don't know what to do with them.

It's looking like Harlan County, Kentucky, about 1934-ish.

Well, that explains why the sexism and the racism are jumping out.

I don't know what's happened more times, me getting my ass grabbed, or someone calling me Senorita.

These are all striking coal miners.

If it makes you feel any better, half of these guys are gonna have their legs broken by a Pinkerton by the end of the week.

That does not make me feel better at all.

Sorry, too dark?

Look, they're ordering mutton, burgu, and something called a hot brown.

Yeah, I've got that.

How many hot browns?

Seven all day.

Where is Casper?

Emergency inventory.

We're having some serious stockish.

Alright, brothers and sisters, this is Calamity Jane coming to you from Union Radio USA.

Union or die!

Just remember when you're toiling out there on the picket line.

When the coal stops, they freeze.

When the bosses go on strike, nobody notices a goddamn thing.

This next one is a classic, and I want to hear you singing from the hood to the holler.

And remember, at least the president knows your boss is a son of a bitch.

Effie,

what's up with the spicy language?

Effie?

Gloria.

Hey.

In situations such as these, my wife and I tend to play along so as not to spook the yokels.

Oh.

Got it.

Who is Calamity Jane?

It's a radio personality my wife will adopt from time to time of a hard drinking and swearing populist.

It's very sinful,

but the Lord does tend to forgive, and she does tend to enjoy it.

And you enjoy it a little bit, too?

Well,

keeping your secrets safe with me, Pastor.

Where's Ava?

Ava also finds herself at home in such hard scrabble environs.

I imagine there'll be a sing-along anytime now.

Which side are you on?

Which side are you on?

Which side are you on?

Which side are you on?

Don't scare the bunk farce, don't listen to their lunch.

Us for gold haven't got a chance.

Let's be on the side.

Thanks for coming by, everyone.

Go, Union!

Sheesh.

I haven't worked a shift like that in years.

Oh, coal miners rule!

They all smell like brimstone.

Okay, emergency inventory is done.

Gloria, sorry I left you alone.

Did it go okay?

You owe my feet an apology.

Yeah, I apologize to your feet, but the walk-in is in crisis mode and we need to go shopping.

Ah, shopping spree.

I was going to ask about that.

How do you restock?

Do you just wait for a location with the grocery store?

No, the walk-in magically regenerates stock on its own, but it regenerates at random.

Sometimes we have to do some emergency shopping until we get a new quote-unquote delivery.

Same with the deep freeze?

We don't like to talk about the deep freeze.

Leaf.

Okay, I've got cash here.

Are you doing dry goods or produce?

I'll do dry goods.

You do produce and me.

Awesome.

1934 Kentucky.

Oh, there's going to be some amazing lard out there.

You have 1934 American currency just laying around.

I make it with the pasta maker.

Wow.

Health code violation.

Give me money.

Where are you going?

I'm headed over to the old-timey tobacconist to buy some smoky treats.

Hopefully he'll refer to it as tobacco.

Gloria, do you want some money?

I think I've had enough local flavor for one day.

I'm going to put my feet up.

Okay, I think we've got about four hours until we lift off.

Don't get left behind, guys.

Sing it with me.

Which side are you on?

Which side are you on?

Gloria, if you don't mind, my husband and I are gonna retire as well.

After my turn as Calamity Jane, we always need to pray together.

Yeah, you do.

Enjoy your quietude.

Move quickly, husband.

Hey, Gloria.

It's Gloria.

I just wanted to check in with you.

You just worked an entire shift in 1934, Kentucky, in a time-traveling dimension-spanning diner.

You know, normal shit.

Oh,

hi there.

Can I help you?

You are not Casper.

No, I'm not.

You're looking for Casper?

You are Gloria.

How do you know my name?

From Arizona.

Oh.

Target acquired.

Baby!

How long are we going to do this?

I feel like I haven't seen you for weeks.

Ricky, I can't let up now.

Things are happening.

It's going really well.

It's going well for you.

How about us?

It usually takes two years for a restaurant to turn a profit.

We're turning a profit after six months.

We didn't even need the money.

Well, what is that supposed to mean?

Why do you think I worked so hard to get a promotion so I could support you guys?

Who is you guys?

Never mind.

Ricky, where are you going?

Ricky, don't walk out.

Come on.

We need to talk about stuff like

what the fuck?

What just happened?

Effie!

Zebulon, are you guys there?

What is happening?

Miracle of miracles.

The old timey tobacconist is also the moonshine guy.

His mentally slow son will be delivering three jugs any minute now.

Why are you back so soon?

Uh, I've been gone for an hour.

What?

What's going on?

Something weird just happened.

Oh,

lovely.

What?

A woman came in and said she was looking for Casper.

And then before I knew it, I was arguing with her like she was Ricky, my possessive ex-boyfriend.

Oh, fucking hell.

Okay, produce is on the way.

Hope everyone likes rhubarb.

It's gonna be in every dish for a while.

What?

Shit, what's happening?

Tell him what you told me.

A woman came in and I started arguing with her like she was my ex-boyfriend.

Oh, fucking hell.

Who is she?

A pain in my ass is who she is.

We don't know who she is.

She comes around every once in a while and makes our lives hell.

We started calling her the ex.

She's some sort of trans-dimensional being.

When you interact with her, she takes on the persona of your most prominent ex and you have no choice but to argue with her.

She is the universal embodiment of all exes.

Gross.

Right?

Is she dangerous?

No.

Just interminable.

Okay,

that's really annoying, but it's fine, right?

I mean, I've argued with Ricky 9,000 times before.

What's one more?

It's

complicated.

Casper

is terrified of her.

So am I.

No, I mean, it's bad.

He kind of loses it.

Whoa.

Well, what's going on there?

Nobody knows.

Have you tried asking?

When she comes by, we pretend we're a dysfunctional Midwestern family and just don't don't talk about it it's that bad watch okay i got flour cornmeal uh and salt but he was out of sugar which is surprising considering the state of the teeth in this town casper what she's back

who's back her casper

you've got to be fucking kidding me where is she we don't know She did a drive-by on Gloria and then walked out.

She could be fucking anywhere then.

Yes, but we know she'll end up here.

Well, of course she'll end up here.

She's a goddamn emotional emotional terrorist.

It's going to be fine.

Lock the doors.

Did we lock the doors?

We've tried that before.

Lock doors don't stop her.

Oh, okay.

Let's just sit here then and let this psychopath pick away at us.

What a great idea.

We'll keep her away from you, okay?

It's not just me.

It's not just me.

It's all of us.

She traumatizes all of us.

I mean, to varying degrees.

Oh, no, don't you start with me.

Okay.

I'm putting you in the water.

Lock the doors.

Board the doors.

Have we tried that?

Get in there.

How long are we going to endure this shit?

Seriously.

Have we tried lamb's blood on the doors?

Wow.

I'm going to steer clear of that.

Good idea.

Oh, shit.

Okay.

What happens now?

Misery.

We wait here.

She comes by at random, and we try to keep her away from Casper until she loses interest and leaves.

That's it?

Isn't that what exes do?

They show up, acting casual.

then you realize they want to rehash some argument that they never got emotional gratification for, and then when they realize they're not going to get that gratification, they suddenly have a plane to catch or something.

Hey there, y'all!

We're back and feeling refreshed.

What did we miss?

The ex is back.

Aw, snails!

Again with this abomination?

Where's Casper?

Ava locked him in the walk-in.

Good looking out.

You know what, though?

Casper's right.

This woman is an emotional terrorist, and we shouldn't have to put up with this bullshit.

Maybe terrorist is overstating it.

Is it?

She strikes at random and provokes overblown responses.

I think we've tried everything at this point, Leif.

I think we just have to eat it.

I've been thinking about her, though.

Oh, lord.

That always goes well.

We keep calling her a transdimensional being.

But what if she's not?

What is she instead?

A construct.

Like an AI.

Someone made an ex-bot?

Exactly.

Why would someone do that?

Well, well, that's a whole other line of questioning.

My question is, if you were a trans-dimensional entity, would you really spend all of your time confronting people about their failed relationships?

You're saying because of her narrow agenda, her existence has to be deliberate somehow?

This is what I'm saying.

Hmm.

So let's say you're right.

Let's say some mad scientist somewhere made an X-bot to wander the multiverse and get into other people's business.

God knows why someone would do that, but they also made six Transformers movies, so.

How does that change what we do?

I say,

if she's an emotional terrorist, it's time for us to, you know,

drone strike a wedding.

Okay, Leif.

Again.

Sorry, too dark again.

What I mean is, let's go on the offensive.

We support you in your endeavors, Leaf, but what are the steps to this particular square dance?

It would start

with you two.

Effie?

Zebulon?

How old were you two when you met?

Zebulon was 11 and I had just turned 12.

You've never been with anyone else, right?

No, we have not.

We were affianced upon my 15th birthday, and we have been together ever since.

For our marriage marriage is made strong by a singular truth that divorce is an abomination

and that we love each other very much

yes

also that so when she walks in i want you guys to hit her with the story of how you met and fell in love People without exes would be outside of her parameters, and she would need to recalibrate.

While she's distracted, we all go at her.

All at the same time.

Go at her how?

We don't wait for her to argue with us.

We start arguing with her like she's our ex.

All of us at the same time.

You want to try and overload her processor.

Exactly.

If your theory is correct and she has one.

I'm telling you, I'm right about this.

Is that going to be enough?

It's worth a shot.

But listen.

We've really got to go for it, though.

All the things you wanted to say to your ex but never did, let it all hang out.

Get uncomfortable with it because she's not going to hold back on us.

Oh, God, this is going to suck.

It's going to be terrible.

Dear, remind me to give thanks to Jesus for never having to date.

We'll remind each other.

Are we together on this?

I feel like we have a plan.

I guess, but I don't want to.

Hey, if this works, we'll never have to deal with this nonsense again.

Are we in?

We're in.

Fine.

We're glad to help however we can, life.

Okay, good.

Have there been any sightings of her since first contact?

No.

Let's keep our eyes out the window so we can see her coming.

I really was having a good day.

I liked escaping my old life.

Now here it comes again.

What's going on across the street?

Is it a party or something?

That's not a party.

That's a bar fight.

Oh, that's got to be her.

Definitely her brand of chaos.

Keep your eyes on the bar.

When she starts heading here, everybody hide.

So

what's yours?

My ex?

Ugh.

Chad.

You literally dated a guy named Chad?

Look, there are Chads out there in the wild.

There's nothing we can do about it.

How often did he wear a polo shirt?

He owned a bakery.

Okay?

You'd be surprised what you put up with when free-baked goods are added to the equation.

And he wore a polo shirt 90% of the time.

Why did you guys break up?

Because his name was Chad.

But his personality was also named Chad.

You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah.

We actually broke up twice.

I was working at Jet Propulsion Laboratory at the time.

We were having a party and needed a cake.

I snuck into his bakery and stole one, and that somehow led to us having to break up again, even though we had already broken up.

You seriously stole one of his cakes?

I had put in the hours.

I worked for that cake.

Who was Ricky?

Ricky was a good guy.

He was just old-fashioned.

He wanted me to stay home and crank out babies like a Play-Doh Fun Factory.

Ew, babies are gross.

Sometimes I think we could have made it work, and then there's a voice in my head that says, Yeah, sure, just as long as you literally change who you are entirely.

What about you, Laith?

Pajolinth.

Oh, I remember her.

God, she was annoying.

Hey, I loved her.

Aren't the men on her planet an alternative food source?

No, they hardly do that anymore.

Why do you guys break up?

Don't ask.

Our genitals weren't compatible.

Overshare.

Look, it's a problem.

You're a single guy out there wandering various star systems.

Eventually, it rears its ugly head.

I'll say shit.

Oh, fuck.

Here she comes.

Everybody hide.

Zeb, Effie, you guys ready?

We're going to wistfully recall like we've never wistfully recalled before.

That's what I'm talking about.

What are your thoughts, my love?

Banjo?

No.

No, dear.

Mountain Dulcimer.

Indeed.

Where's Casper?

I can still remember the day I first saw you.

How the mountains split the clouds like the shears of a dressmaker.

I sat atop the pig shelter, having just visited with my favorite sow, Pansy.

When you and your daddy crested the nearby hills, you were silhouetted by the morning sun.

It was the rest of my life headed towards me, though I would never know it.

Scanning for target.

I was different that morning when I awoke.

Our fathers had business to discuss, and with my mother visiting her ailing sister in Booneville, I knew I must accompany him.

As we headed out the door, my father asked, Honey, where's Maybel?

Maybelle was my dolly, and I had not been without her at my side since I was given her at the age of six.

Yet, for some reason that morning, I had left Maybell behind.

It was the first time I could feel a change in the air.

Scanning for

I was so nervous as she approached.

I turned to Pansy and said, Pansy, my girl, what am I to say to her if she speaks to me?

I've never seen someone like her.

And I recall thinking, I've never seen someone so attached to a pig, especially someone whose family has dedicated themselves to so efficiently turning said pigs into chops and shoulders.

Honey, please, it's a sensitive subject.

Dear, I'm only recalling how your true first love had a snout and a curly tail.

I believe there still may be some calamity, Jane, lingering within you, my love.

Perhaps you have an ex after all, and the breakup happened at supper time.

Target not acquired.

Now, Ricky, you can't just walk out while we're fighting.

What the hell?

What do you care?

I'm just another thing on your little list.

You handle me the same way you handle the damn tortilla vendors.

Chad, why do you have to be like this?

I invite you for a couples weekend and the next thing I know you're gone.

You showing up here just because you need something makes you a

shitty person.

Well you using the term couples weekend makes you a shitty person.

My love, this just isn't going to work.

Leave.

Don't say such things.

Whatever challenges we face, we'll face them together.

We're literally two different species.

I think that's more than a challenge.

That's not fair.

None of this shit is fair, Gloria.

I'm a good guy.

I'm good to you.

I'm always on the back burner.

Do you ever for one second acknowledge the stress that I'm under?

You mean the stress that you cause yourself?

You mean the stress that you volunteered for without even asking me?

Oh, asking you?

Couples' weekends are nice.

They're a fucking car show, Chad.

Everyone shows up with their hot rod.

Fuck this.

Fucking breadpill.

You can't let that stand in the way of true love.

Honey, you lay eggs.

Why do you keep bringing that up?

It's an important detail.

We're in a relationship.

You

came home one day with a business loan.

You knew this was a dream of mine.

It wasn't a dream of mine.

I know all about your dreams.

Your dreams all involved me at home taking care of children.

You stole a cake from my shop.

You were being a dick.

The cake was going to a funeral?

Who the fuck has cake?

At a funeral?

They were from Thailand.

It's a cultural thing.

Why do you get so paralyzed by details?

Sometimes you you can overlook things.

She's a really great girl.

Unfortunately, she's a juggalo.

You can get past stuff like that.

She's a really great girl, but I'd have to build her a hen house.

That's different.

You told me you wanted kids.

I also want to go to Spain, you know?

Someday when it's the right time to go to Spain.

I don't ever want to see her face ever again for as long as I live.

I don't know.

Your friends seem to like me an awful lot.

Could I be that bad?

Yes.

You know,

I figured you out.

You don't know what's good for you.

Oh my god.

There is literally no reason why you and I can't make this happen.

I'm good looking.

I am a successful businessman.

I'm great at parties.

Do you have any idea how many times I've won best frosting in the LA Weekly?

You're constantly making excuses for us to not be together.

My biological makeup is making the excuses.

Things haven't been the same since you met my parents.

They tried to kill me!

It's tradition!

When is Sunday?

Can you tell me that?

Because I've been waiting.

It's not today.

And the more you act like this, the further away it gets.

You're threatening me?

I'm saying you fighting with me like this does not exactly put me in a baby-making mood.

I wasted two years of my life on you.

Wasted?

Get the fuck out of here.

Baby, look.

I know you believe that as long as we have love, that we can overcome any obstacle.

But love isn't a cure-all.

It's just a starting point.

Do I love you?

Yes.

Do we have anything else going for us?

No!

Sometimes you fall in love, love and the universe says, no, dude, sorry.

You know, I've figured you out too, Chad.

You were probably a freshman in college, right?

And you said to yourself, what makes me a valuable human being?

Successful in hip business?

Check.

Well-groomed beard?

Check.

Stylish haircut?

Check.

Sexy girlfriend?

Check.

Award-winning frosting?

Check.

Check, check, check, check, check, check, check.

The frosting is the problem, Chad.

You're all frosting.

Where's the fucking gate?

You'll be.

You'll be.

You'll be.

Back.

You'll.

Back.

You'll.

Stamp back.

She might explode.

I

obviously

deserve better

than

you.

Oh my god.

Did we do it?

I think we did.

That was kind of cathartic.

I kind of want to do it again.

Nice work, you guys.

Casper's going to be thrilled.

Yeah, we should let him out.

I'll get him.

Is she gone?

Even better.

She has been defeated.

What do you mean?

Leaf had himself a little plan.

Turns out your arch nemesis was a robot what

this whole time yes look let me see not so fast cowboy what

casper

why did someone construct an x-bot and send it looking for you across space and time just to confront you about your past relationships no we've never established she was looking for me specifically the first words out of her mouth are always where's casper look

I don't know what to tell you.

It makes as much sense as anything around here.

You can tell me things, and it won't kill you.

I'm not convinced of that.

Can you let me out, please?

Fine.

Hey!

Look what we did.

I really needed this.

I really got some aggression out.

You and me both, sister.

It will be good for our general comedy to be free of this aberration.

It's a relief for sure.

Thank you guys.

I'm sorry, it's such a mess all the time.

It's over now, Casper.

Yeah.

We should drag her out to the parking lot before we take off.

I'll do it.

You guys have done enough.

Just give me a minute, okay?

Hey, how about you two come out back and help me bring in the three huge jugs of moonshine I bought?

Oh, man.

That stuff will make you go blind.

Yeah, well, I've seen too much anyway.

Come on.

All right, lady.

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

Let's go.

You

left

me.

there is nothing left to leave.

We were

in love.

It should be

indestructible.

There's nothing more fragile.

And now

you

Wander.

I'm not wandering.

Enough.

Guys, don't say anything, okay?

Of course not, Casper.

My friend, I must remind you that there is a very thin line between searching

and running.

I know which side of that line I'm on.

I pray that you do.

Jesus, these things are huge.

Why did you get so much?

Relax.

It's not like it goes bad.

This stuff will outlast a young galaxy.

Casper,

how are you doing?

Effie,

how about some drinking music?

Amen, brother.

Okay, then.

First one to pew

has to clean up everybody else's pew.

Once a busy gather girls, you get to marry me.

I'm Jenny Horn, Jenny, I'm a Jenny Dump.

Thanks for listening to Midnight Burr, y'all.

Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, Just remember, we're out there, somewhere, looking for you.

We open it big.

Sweeter than the honey and the hustle berry beef.

I'm gonna hold till it's done.

The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish.

Packages by Expedia.

You were made to occasionally take the hard route to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

We were made to easily bundle your trip.

Expedia.

Made to travel.

Flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.