Chapter 2: Planet Straightforward

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, one more question.

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

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Please play responsibly.

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When it's time for sleeping.

Hey, Anthony.

Isn't that more secular music?

I thought you only did that on special occasions.

Funny you should ask that, Gloria.

It stems from a fascinating conversation between my husband and I.

The crux of it being, if the Lord is master of all creation, from whom all springs, is there any music that cannot praise his name?

In the end, there can be no thing not praising him and deserving of his love.

Cool.

Let me tell you about a guy named David Bowie sometime then.

Okay guys, huddle up.

What do we think of the new girl?

I think she's great.

She says my name right.

What are you talking about?

We don't say your name right?

She says Leif.

That's what we're saying.

That's how we pronounce it.

Leif.

Leif.

That's what I'm saying.

That's what he just said.

Leif.

Leaf.

I'm saying it right.

We're both saying it right.

You're not.

Gloria.

How do you pronounce my name?

I say Leif, but you guys say Leif.

Am I saying it wrong?

I heard the same word twice.

Is that what you heard?

Yeah, I think they're both having a stroke.

Maybe you're both having a stroke.

I can't have a stroke.

I'm too powerful.

Hey, Gloria, what are you doing?

Sidework.

What is side work?

Side work.

You know, before a shift starts, you fill up the sugars, you marry the ketchup bottles, wipe down the tables.

Oh.

Well,

look at us.

Fancy.

I don't know about you, but I'm gonna drape a white linen over my arm.

Gonna go back in the kitchen, make some duck allange.

I'm gonna put on some high heels and order some clams casino.

I, for one, enjoy the air of finery that Gloria brings to our humble establishment.

Honey, I think I'll put on my good overalls.

And I'll put on my one dress that's been in my family for a generation and has seen more funerals than an undertaker.

Is this a hazing?

You're making fun of the new girl.

I'm not sure we've never had a new girl before.

Hey,

what am I looking at outside the window?

It's incredible.

That's the curvature of space.

We're skirting around the outside of a spatial plane before settling down at a particular location.

Leaf and I call that the back of the serpent.

Because they are apparently Norse and 2,000 years old.

My brothers and sisters, we should prepare.

I can feel the fibers of creation beginning to settle into place.

Our arrival is imminent.

All right, well, I hope everyone's finished their side work.

Ha ha.

Effie, what are you feeling in your bones about our new destination?

The Lord whispers to me of a dense and wondrous land of forests and streams teeming with life.

That sounds nice.

Also, something about teeth.

That sounds

sharp.

To hasten our arrival, let's hear from the Smiths' Sacred Singers, shall we?

Endure them.

You

Okay, you ready for your first shift?

Pretty sure there's no way I could be ready for this.

That's the spirit.

How does this usually work?

It's like any diner.

We open the door at six.

Then, unlike any diner, once we open, we'll be in one of two situations.

Either A, someone needs to come in and have a seat, or B, something tries to violently kill us.

There's no third option?

Yes, sometimes it's both.

I'm going to go heat up the grill.

I'm going to go sit in my booth and do nothing at all.

Okay, here we go.

Wow, Effie was right.

It's a forest.

It doesn't look too threatening.

Let's open up.

It's really beautiful.

This is looking like more of an A situation, so that's good.

Ow!

Hey, I tripped on something.

Hang on.

What is it?

It's a.

Whoa.

Look at that.

Is that a bone?

Oh, it's heavy.

It looks like a jawbone.

Look at the teeth on it.

Effie was right about those, too.

Was that your stomach?

I was hoping it was yours.

Any chance we both just imagined that at the same time?

I'm beginning to feel this is not an A situation.

It's B.

It's B.

Back inside.

It's B.

B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B.

It's B.

B situation.

Oh, great.

What is it?

We didn't see it.

We heard it.

Why do you have a huge bone in your hand?

I forgot to drop it.

What's up?

There's something out there.

What is it?

Oh, cool bone.

We heard something.

What'd you hear?

Oh!

Yeah!

B situation!

Is the door locked?

It's locked.

It sounds massive.

Maybe we're on planet Irony and the creature is actually quite small.

Does that sound like irony?

Okay, I guess we're on planet straightforward then.

Can anyone see anything?

It's too dark.

Is the sign on?

No.

Leave?

First of all, we had a whole conversation about how we need to turn the sign on when we open.

Secondly, turn on the sign, please.

Okay, okay.

Please don't be terrifying.

Please don't be terrifying.

Sign coming on.

Holy shit.

Really big monster.

Zero irony.

Oh,

that's a big boy.

Look at its teeth.

Um, look at Gloria's teeth.

What?

The huge jawbone you're holding in your hands.

Look at the teeth.

Oh my god.

It's the same teeth.

I sincerely hope that's the bones of one of his enemies and not an old pal of his.

It's like someone put a shark's head on top of a 12-foot emaciated corpse.

Not a Darwinian masterpiece, for sure.

Oh,

it's looking right at me.

Is it going to be able to get in here?

Well, there was this one time when we were literally inside a red dwarf, so I'm assuming one creature.

Here it comes!

Okay.

Okay.

The door's holding.

Anyone else think it's weird that it's bipedal in a forest bio?

Read the room, Ava.

It's looking for another way in.

Is there one?

I don't think so.

Unless you forgot to lock the back door again.

Shit.

Hang on.

We're good.

Whoa, it's back here now

Any other place we forgot to lock?

Is there a sun porch or something?

No, we're good.

Wow.

It really wants in here.

It's fine.

We're in here.

It's out there.

We'll

wait it out.

And in the morning, we'll be gone and it'll be confused and then go on with its day.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Jesus.

What?

Nothing.

Nothing.

What?

It's.

I mean...

I'm going to kill both of you.

What is it?

I know Ava was joking about it being Planet Straightforward, but I mean...

It's really straightforward.

A creature outside trying to get in?

That's it?

No spatial distortion, no dimensional riff?

It's very early aughts horror movie.

There's a thing in the woods, and it's killing people, and no one will believe you.

That sort of thing.

Starring Justin Long.

Right, and like Kate Bosworth.

Who cares?

I believe what our compatriots are attempting to convey is that our current predicament on its face is the picture of simplicity.

And perhaps if we sat with that simplicity for a moment,

we would begin to observe complexities within complexities.

The Mona Lisa is simply a picture of a nice lady.

But look closer, and there is a universe within.

So?

what?

We've got to figure this out or something?

Maybe it bears a closer look.

Yeah,

it's too boring.

Guys, I would really like a night off.

I know, but it's too boring.

Wouldn't a night off be nice, though?

But it's my first night.

Okay.

Let me make a counteroffer.

How about we not figure it out, and instead Leaf makes

night breakfast.

Ooh, night breakfast.

The temptation is strong, for night breakfast is forbidden.

Truly, food that it is syrupid belongs in the day, and yet, from time to time, one finds oneself presented with a pile of waffles when the moon is high, a scoop of whipped butter melting atop them.

I'm not gonna lie, that sounds straight up erotic, but maybe Leif's right.

Maybe we we should figure out what the deal is with this horrific thing outside and then have night breakfast as a reward.

Okay,

fine.

But then, after night breakfast, we are playing a game of dice in the walk-in.

You currently owe me $2,800 from Dice in the Walk-In.

Yes, but what if this time I'm in the zone?

You're never in the zone.

Guys, focus.

I'm hungry now.

Ava, do some science.

What's the deal with this thing?

I don't know.

I'm not a zoologist.

You know what we called the zoologists back in school?

Poop lookers.

You want to know why?

Because they looked at a lot of poopers.

Because they looked at a lot of poop.

Okay.

Why is everyone being goofy right now?

Because the situation was supposed to be either A, we have customers, or B, something tries to kill us.

A, there are no customers, and B, the thing that's trying to kill us very obviously can't get in here to kill us.

It's like a snow day.

I'll start it off.

There's a thing outside.

It's huge and ugly.

It wants to get in here to eat us.

That's an assumption you're making.

I am making that assumption because its mouth is full of teeth and the size of a manhole cover.

What else would you use that mouth for?

We need an option for comparison.

There's a huge jawbone on the floor that obviously comes from one of the same species.

Maybe it wants that.

Why would it want that?

It would have to be a known unknown.

We know that we don't know it, but we know there's something to know.

But applying Occam's razor?

What's the most logical reason why a monster whose mouth looks like it's full of can openers wants to get in here?

True, but Occam's razor can quite often be a refuge for bedwetters.

Are you a bedwetter, Casper?

Because I have my suspicions.

Are all physicists mean?

Yes.

I don't know who Occam is, but I think you're saying that the most likely thing has got to be true.

But since we're trying to, you know, look deeper, maybe we shouldn't go with the obvious thing.

Agreed.

How long are we going to do this for?

Can we have a time limit?

Where's it going?

You think it lost interest?

Well, I know I have.

It

is kind of hard to find the nuance here.

I think it's just a creature, and this is Planet Straightforward.

That's what I say.

We don't have to do a full investigation into this.

It's a big monster.

Who cares?

Sometimes a monster is just a monster.

So true.

You know who else said that, husband?

Who was that, honey?

The Trojans.

Oh, look, a beautiful wooden horse they have given us as a gift.

Let us not look into it too much.

What could possibly go wrong?

You see that?

You're getting sassed by an old-timey radio now.

Do you want night breakfast or not?

You looking like a dummy is the real night breakfast.

What is that now?

That doesn't sound like our friend.

A challenger appears.

Something's coming through the trees.

Oh my god.

He's adorable.

Look at that little guy.

Oh, does it look more like a pig or more like a panda?

Look at his little belly.

That does warm the heart, doesn't it?

Well,

he reminds me of my first sow, Pansy.

Do you remember Pansy, honey?

Yes,

I remember Pansy, dear.

Do you remember Pansy used to do that little dance for me in the morning?

Yes, dear.

What more proof of the Lord's countenance does one need when you set eyes on such creatures?

Aww, look at him.

He's rooting around for truffles or something.

Um, isn't this bad?

Oh no.

Yeah,

it's bad.

Oh, man.

This is going to suck.

Why isn't it running?

Here it comes.

Why are cute things so dumb?

Oh god, nobody

Why isn't anything happening?

Who's still looking?

I'm still looking.

Of course you are.

So the murder creature is completely ignoring the pig panda.

What?

What the hell?

So this is either not the bloodthirsty creature that we think it is, or it's just incredibly bad at being a bloodthirsty creature.

What a curious and fortuitous turn of events.

They're both just standing there like they're waiting for a bus or something.

Really glad I didn't have to hear something getting eaten.

This puts a snag in our planet's straightforward theory, doesn't it?

Oh, night breakfast keeps getting further and further away.

So we've been saying that the ugly thing just wants to kill things, and it's now standing right next to a very easy to kill thing without any killing happening.

To sum up,

well,

what the fuck?

Right?

What do we do now?

Maybe the pig panda tastes bad?

Like, an evolutionary defense is that it's just really bad to eat?

Maybe.

Maybe it smells?

There we go.

A defensive musk?

Wouldn't we smell that though?

If it's that bad?

What if we can't smell it?

What if it can only be smelled by the murder thing?

And what if they grew up together by a lake and swore a vow that they would always be friends no matter what happened?

Who cares?

Night

breakfast.

Can we be done now?

Okay.

Fine.

Fine.

Okay.

Excellent.

Before night breakfast, a quick game of dice and the walk-in.

You're literally the worst gambler in the multiverse.

That may have been true in the past, but now, I hope you two were rubbed in spices because I'm about to smoke y'all.

Here we go.

Calm down.

Gloria,

you're lingering, honey.

Yeah.

What perturbs you?

I was thinking.

One time when I ran a restaurant, I buried a whole pig in the ground with hot coals for 36 hours and then used used it to cater a wedding.

It was delicious.

And the pig that I use did not look half as delicious as the pig panda outside, and it's not getting eaten.

You don't have to explain to a couple of Arkansas the importance of a roasted pig, Gloria.

Oh,

sweet pansy.

Whoa,

you ate pansy.

Well, I grew grew up on a pig farm outside of Bald Knob, and on a pig farm, the pigs are your friends until

until their solemn duty calls.

Yikes!

Gloria, I'm afraid we have a confession to make.

We can tell you the story of the ravenous creature outside.

You knew this whole time?

The Lord had told us its story.

Why didn't you say anything?

Well, Casper was running around in his pissy pants.

And we do enjoy watching his knickers get very tightly twisted.

We had every intention of telling you during night breakfast.

Okay.

So, what's the story?

The creature outside is not one of God's creations.

The creature has its own maker.

Someone made that thing?

We know not who.

Its creator has long since passed into the beyond, leaving behind an entire race of creatures such as this.

Why were they made?

You would think to create creatures such as this, one would have to have a sharpened purpose.

And yet, these creatures were only made because they could be made.

A flight of fancy.

It doesn't look happy.

No,

it is not.

For this terrible creature has an even more terrible curse.

The reason why our delightful pig panda visitor has not been eaten is because this creature only craves the flesh of its own kind.

Oh my god.

The cannibals?

Well, now, a cannibal has a choice, doesn't he?

This creature can eat nothing else.

It spends its life hunting down its own kind?

Or being hunted, yes.

To turn your own kind into your enemy, it is truly a sin.

The dub one I found.

It probably smelled it or something.

That's why it was trying to get in.

That's right, my dear.

What a horrible life it must have.

It is a life without brotherhood or solidarity.

A life of enmity.

I would imagine a life where one prays for an ending, but with no creator to pray to.

This is a type A situation.

It is.

What can we possibly do?

It must be in hell.

You cannot cure this creature's ailments, Gloria.

So the question that remains:

what can you do?

In the end,

there can be no thing not praising him and deserving of his love.

Yes.

Can it maybe understand me?

We think so.

It's just a bone.

That's what you smelled.

I'm sorry.

Can you

sit over there at that booth?

Are you sure it's not going to eat me?

Yes, sweetie.

Okay, then.

So,

this is coffee.

I know it seems strange, but

it's nice.

And it's warm.

And

you can hold it in your hands for a while and pretend that the world is not a swirling mess.

Okay, that went poorly for me, but isn't it great that there are dependable things in this world?

Holy shit.

Oh, damn.

What the fuck?

The three of you?

Shit.

The huge murder beast is having a coffee break.

I wanted to mention that earlier.

Gloria makes really good coffee.

It's true.

She does.

Ava, these creatures were made by someone.

They run around this planet only eating each other.

They can't eat anything else.

How can that change?

Hmm.

Assuming they have some way of reproducing, it's a closed system, so it'd be hard to change.

They're basically chasing each other in a never-ending circle around the planet.

Seban Effie said, they've been here a very long time.

Okay,

so they're reproducing somehow.

Probably asexual.

Are you looking at some poop there, Ava?

Shut up.

I'll look at poop if I want to look at poop.

You know,

over in the Jelesian system, there was this one planet that just had microbes on it until a meteor hit it, and now they have like

five pretty good casinos.

The meteor brought casinos?

The meteor spurred life to evolve, Bozo.

That's something.

A watershed event.

An unusual change.

Something would have to insert itself into their continuum.

Something like

a good cup of coffee?

Huh.

I mean, sure.

Why not?

Zebulon?

Yes.

Maybe a nice song?

That's a wonderful sentiment, Gloria.

Something to soothe the savage beast.

This is a good job.

Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all.

Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember we're out there somewhere looking for you.

We open at six.

The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

Coach, the energy out there felt different.

What changed for the team today?

It was the new game day scratchers from the California Lottery.

Play is everything.

Those games sent the team's energy through the roof.

Are you saying it was the off-field play that made the difference on the field?

Hey, a little play makes your day, and today, it made the game.

That's all for now.

Coach, no more questions!

Play the new Los Angeles Chargers, San Francisco 49ers, and Los Angeles Rams Scratchers from the California Lottery.

A little play can make your day.

Please play responsibly, must be 18 years or older to purchase, play, or claim.