Chapter 44: Here be Dragons

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Previously on Midnight Burger, into the Muckleverse.

I wanted a life of adventure.

Madame Drake?

All courage, wannabe!

Put on that parachute.

We're gonna have to ditch this plane.

Bugshot, Drake!

What the hell are you doing in my bar?

Morning, ladies.

My name

is Commandant Blunt of the Third Reich.

Let's make some savourkraut!

To go into the jungle.

And what do we do?

The time has come to surrender.

Labuza, I need you to look for the mark of the visitor.

It's...

it's here.

Kazi, what the hell is the mark of the visitor?

It's the sigil of our father.

Labuza went on a little aventure with him uncle Wayne's, and together they discovered the secret plans of this guy.

Killed them.

So what's his plan?

We know his plan.

I'm afraid we do, yes.

Right, but what is it?

It's not good news.

All of that sucks.

It is not a bouquet of flowers, Life, that much, is certain.

At least we know something now.

There are still several unknowns.

God damn, this guy absolutely fucked up.

What is his plan, though?

I am going to have several questions, and then I'm going to have a plan.

When you hear this plan,

you are going to say,

I'm out of my mind.

And then we're going to do it anyway.

Wait, now Gloria has a plan?

What's her plan?

Guys,

what's her plan?

Guys,

well, I guess we'll just have to listen to the episode.

Grab your torches, kids.

We're going into the darkness.

The midnight burger season finale

has arrived.

Let's start the shift.

We're clear.

Is it weird that this is exactly what I was expecting?

No, it's pretty boilerplate stuff.

Dark, ominous, beautiful.

Classic Space Emperor.

Can someone help me out?

What are we looking at?

Yeah, it's like Leaf said, overcast skies, a thunderstorm in the distance.

We're in some kind of massive garden.

It's huge.

Several acres.

A lot of hedges and topiaries.

Garden also has these smaller buildings in it.

Then, directly opposite of us, on the far side of the garden, there's a huge

mountain.

That's not a mountain.

Well, what the fuck is it?

That's where we're headed.

Oh, Jesus, that's his evil keep or whatever?

That's not just his evil keep.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

It's a weapon.

What?

I think what we're looking at in the distance is what stranded us in Pasadena

The mountain is a weapon?

Yeah, well, which is it?

Is it his castle or a weapon?

Both.

Casper.

Okay, the mountain in the distance, as I was describing, is apparently a giant castle and also a massive weapon.

It's huge.

It reaches above the clouds.

By my estimation, it reaches above the atmosphere.

Jesus, Jesus, this guy is not subtle.

Laf, you better come down.

Coming down.

Okay, Labuza, we're gonna head over here.

Did she say a bar?

Yeah.

What the fuck?

Looks like a shitty dive bar.

Why is it covered by some sort of force field?

Probably to keep it here.

I think we're looking at another thing like the diner and the paradise.

You think it's trapped here?

Just like he plans to do with the diner.

Leif, what is this force field?

It's not a force field.

Well, what is don't walk through it if he walks.

Come inside.

This isn't to keep people out.

Leaf, can you get out of there?

Yeah, watch.

See?

It's like it's on display.

Leif, what are the drones seeing right now?

What are the other buildings in this garden?

Hang on.

Shit.

There's at least a hundred of them.

Bars, restaurants, a bookstore, a train station, I guess?

All earth structures?

No, actually.

I see a fur schlick tree out there, a mennite grinder, plus a bunch of structures that I don't recognize.

It's a whole garden full of places like the diner.

It's not a garden.

It's a trophy case.

And we're the latest addition.

What about all the people?

There must have been people living in all these places.

I don't know.

Before we go to meet the big boss man, we're going to check some of these places out.

Okay.

Gloria.

Yeah.

If it's all the same to you,

I think the three of us would like to get on with this.

Okay.

I've got you, Libby.

Good luck.

And to you.

We'll be right behind you.

Hang on, guys.

What's What's the word?

It's a huge garden full of things like the diner.

I guess the benefactor's been collecting them.

We didn't see that coming.

We did not.

No, that's new information.

We're going to check out these new places and then we're going to head in.

I really hope this works.

Well, Gloria, it's not as though we had all the choices in the world laid out before us.

And I must say, this plan of yours has a level of.

what's the word I'm looking for?

Crazy.

Yes, a degree to which we've never seen before.

Thanks.

I hope.

I guess we'll just cross our fingers.

David, thank you for agreeing to stay behind.

I think it's really helped Casper's head.

It's no problem.

Okay.

Stay safe, y'all.

Dear?

Yes, dear.

I must say,

I find it odd that one so obstinate as David David would agree so readily to remain with us.

I agree, dear.

Also, I do believe he is within earshot.

Yes, I know he is.

David, what have you got up your sleeve?

Moi?

Ugh, this brings back memories.

It does?

My mom used to play gigs at places like this all the time.

A captive audience of tens and tens of people.

The stone fox.

When you're here, you hate your family.

Not bad.

I wonder what version of Leaf lived here.

Barfly Leaf.

Oh, I bet Barfly Leaf is messy.

I don't see any sign of me at all.

I'm going to see if I can get up on the roof.

Kitchen's really small.

I'm going to walk around outside, see what I can see.

Don't go far, Ava.

You're not my real mom.

Casper, is there any sign of me in the kitchen?

How did the spices look?

Casper,

what's up?

Casper?

There's a note on the grill.

Read it.

I need you to read it.

Why?

Because it's in my handwriting.

Oh.

Not sure who this note is for.

With any luck, no one will ever walk in the front door again.

If you're reading this and nothing weird has happened yet, leave now.

If you have anything in your life that you value, leave now.

Jesus.

For a while, I convinced myself that there was a point to all this.

That if I hung on long enough, I would understand why it's all happening.

Now I realize that it was all just a waste of time, looking for meaning in everything.

If it's too late for you like it was for me, I hope she finds you.

What?

She can do amazing things, things that seem impossible.

She says she can get me where I need to go, and I've decided that I believe her.

I'm sorry if you get this note too late.

And if you do,

hope she shows up.

Her name is

Clementine.

Signed, Casper.

I took Clementine's deal.

She reunited this Casper with David.

Looks like it.

So how did this place end up here?

I don't know.

Hey, nothing on the roof.

I don't know who was living here, but it wasn't me.

It was me.

I left a note.

Apparently, I took Clementine's deal.

No shit?

Yeah.

But how did this place end up here?

Well, that's what I just said.

Y'all, what is it, Ava?

There's something you need to see.

There it is again.

What?

We're standing at the massive door to this fortress.

The door has the mark of the visitor again.

I can't believe this is happening.

It's happening.

Do we...

Do we think it's him, or

is it some sort of cult that uses his image?

You said it before back on the Malthusian trap.

An entire galaxy of earthlings, a network of stable wormholes, an army of followers with unmatched technology.

It would take enormous power.

Our father was powerful, but he wasn't that powerful.

Was he not?

I spent years masquerading as a historian who studied him.

He had many names, but the visitor was the most apt.

No one knew where he came from.

Half of the DNA in our bodies has no origin point.

We have no idea who our father was.

Well, let's go and see him.

Let's get this shit over with.

I want you two to know

that I love you both very much.

I was a solitary creature running an illegal body forming lab in an asteroid belt.

Labuza,

you reached out and united the three of us.

I'm

very grateful for that.

We

love you too, Kazi.

I'm actually still on the fence about both of you, so

hope there's food at this little shindig.

I'm starving.

Welcome.

What is this place?

Look up there.

It's a bingo hall?

Welcome to the Knights of Halifax Bingo Hall.

A time-traveling dimension-spanning

bingo hall.

B-I-N-G-O.

You know, a time-traveling dimension-spanning diner didn't sound stupid until just now.

What did you need us to see, Ava?

I need leave to take a look at that wall over there.

What?

Oh.

What is that?

They look like shadows.

What are they?

They're shadows.

They're burned shadows.

What's a burn shadow?

When a target is hit by a very sudden thermal attack, it can leave their shadow burned into the wall.

You see it in Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

You see it at Vesuvius?

Each shadow has a pile of ashes in

Four shadows,

all hominid-shaped.

It's us.

This isn't how it looks when the mystery men kill someone.

It wasn't them over in the stone fox.

I left a note saying I took Clementine's deal.

I guess this is what it looks like when we don't take the deal.

Damn,

she killed the shit out of us.

this doesn't make any sense when we met clementine she had never heard of us that was the clementine we met

infinite timelines

infinite clementines

casper do me a favor and never say infinite clementines ever again so the casper and the stone fox takes clementine's deal and the stone fox ends up here

these four versions of us get fricasied by Clementine, and then this place winds up here.

How did those two places wind up here in this guarded?

How did any of them?

I don't know, but I don't think he's collecting them because he likes nice things.

Okay, guys, that's enough sightseeing.

Let's get the show on the road.

Okay.

Standing here in the Knights of Halifax bingo hall is your last possible opportunity to object to the plan.

I mean, calling it a plan is a little much.

A prayer, maybe.

I think it sounds great.

Okay.

Let's go.

So, you guys don't want to play bingo?

Okay, here's how I see it.

One of the few advantages we have over these guys is they still think that you two are incapacitated.

So now, here you are inside my phone, and they are none the wiser.

That's very shrewd of you, David.

But what exactly will we be able to do with this advantage?

This is my question as well, David.

Gloria has laid out the plan as clear as day.

I'm not seeing an advantage to be pressed.

See, the problem with you two is neither of you have ever made art illegally at night.

That is true, but I don't see it.

Sometimes you need to leave the house without a plan.

You fill up your backpack with paint cans and a thermos of cheap wine, and you just let the night take you where you want to go.

David, Gloria's plan is very specific.

Shhh, it's gonna be great.

Let's go.

Is this place as enormous as it sounds?

Yes, Labuza, it's massive.

What what's in the middle of the room?

A very long dining table.

Looks like there's a place set for each of us.

Then it happens here.

My beautiful girls

Father

I've dreamed of this moment for eons it seems

I left so many of my children behind in Andromeda

Such a shame to watch so many of them succumb to the vicissitudes of linear existence.

I told myself again and again that the truly great ones will seek me out one day, so that we may be reunited.

I nearly lost faith.

But now,

here we are.

You three are the most exceptional of all my lineage.

For you stand here in my dining hall

and we

are reunited at last

yeah

hold that thought dad tita

tita it's pointless yeah one sec

may we move on not quite yet

is that the final volley one more

just getting it out of my system.

Would anyone care for a drink?

All my cards are played.

How's the beer in this place?

Right away, darling.

If I've analyzed your dynamic correctly,

Libuza will listen intently, Kazi, you will question unflinchingly, and Tita will wait for an opportunity to kill something.

That's about right.

Very well.

Kazzi,

shall we begin?

The reports of your death are greatly exaggerated.

Yes.

I imagine by this late hour that you've deduced certain things regarding my origin.

I am not, as previously thought, an enigmatic conqueror.

Or at least, that is not all I am.

What I am

is far more complex,

but also

much simpler.

There was

a time

before time

a time

before space

before gravity

before

all of it

And it was in this time that I was

for lack of a better word

born

then

suddenly

all things moved from a realm of pure existence to

well,

all of this you see around you.

I stood and watched as the universe took shape.

I bore witness as particles gained mass and exploded.

I watched the universe decide what to be and then become it.

All of it was quite a surprise.

At first it was all heat and chaos, then a haze of gases,

and then

one by one,

the stars emerged.

Pinpricks in the curtain of night, all of it suddenly looking back at me.

Then

came a great dance

as gravity began its processional.

The stars moved towards each other, coalesced into galaxies.

Then,

the oldest of the stars turned into dark knots in the sky,

endless vortices consuming all.

A stunning mural.

All of it.

Can we skip to the part where you began torturing an entire galaxy of manufactured earthlings?

None of you has inherited my love of poetry, I see.

I agree with Labuza, father.

We haven't come for poetry.

Very well.

Where would you like me to start?

What about your time in the triad?

You conquered several planets, created a paradise for a time.

Was that all a fit of play acting from you?

Were you just bored?

Not in the least, dear.

It was yet another one of my plans.

Sadly,

a failed one.

It was a thriving empire.

You really see it as a failure?

A thriving empire was simply a healthy by-product.

It was never my true goal all those years ago.

What was your true goal?

All of you, of course.

My children.

They weren't calling me Croc the Propagator for nothing, dear.

We were your goal?

Yes,

and you turned out brilliantly.

In the end, I found that though spreading my genetic code throughout the universe was a solution to my problem,

it simply was not a scalable solution.

So I felt it was time to move on.

But all of you

really

such a beautiful mistake.

Back Back home, they see you as a legendary liberator, when in fact you were just trying to spread your seed throughout the cosmos.

That's disgusting.

Motherfucker, sudden up franchises.

From this point on,

please try and remember that though my tactics may seem dark, I have always had one bright goal through it all.

For the lion's share of my existence, I have had one aim aim alone.

Preservation.

As the universe sought to define itself, I found that as a being who existed before the universe, I was not bound by the new laws it had made for itself.

Time, the destroyer of all, could not lay a hand on me.

Space was mutable.

I could, in one moment, have the lightness of a feather,

and then, in the next,

pull stars into my orbit.

Because I was sat outside the ebb and flow of the universe,

I could see it in ways you could not imagine.

At the beginning of the universe, I could glimpse something I had never before seen.

An ending.

This luminous universe that had just been born before me had only one path.

Entropy,

darkness,

death,

nothingness.

Throughout the universe these things are seen as inevitable.

All good things come to an end, as the earthlings say.

They are not inevitable to me.

I had come to love the universe, and that which we love must be protected.

You're trying to save the universe.

Yes, I am, dear.

But that

is no small task, even for one such as myself.

And that was compounded even further by my next discovery.

That there is not one universe, but many.

I then learned to travel through this great multiverse.

Surely out there somewhere there was a universe that had learned how to circumvent its own ending.

But alas,

no,

despite the infinite nature of existence, it all travels towards an end.

It left me with no choice but to seek out a new way for any universe to exist.

a universe of balance of calm

a universe that is not so enamored with its own ending

i swore to use every ounce of my power to make it so

but

i would need allies

Who would aid me in this fight?

And then

just as the stars came to life in the universe's beginning,

there was a new light coming into being.

Bright spots in the darkness again.

Minds.

Sentient minds like my own began to emerge in the universe.

Primitive, to be sure, but, like myself,

they could see the universe as I did.

They could perceive its beginning and its end,

contemplate it, dread it.

I would make them my allies,

and together we would make the world.

You really see all those enslaved people as your partners?

I had already attended partnership, dear.

All those years ago in your galaxy, I was Croc the Propagator, conqueror for the downtrodden.

With might and with wisdom, I would create a paradise in which we all could live.

That's exactly what you did.

And what happened?

Where is that paradise now?

It was rejected by them.

No sentient mind will sit when the work is all done.

Given a paradise for long enough, any sentient mind will turn it into a prison.

There is something in them that rejects

A new way must be found.

And I found that new way forward in the unlikeliest of places.

Was it up your butt?

Ah.

As if on cue.

Welcome, all.

Please make yourselves comfortable.

Dinner will be served shortly.

How are you doing?

Would you like an update?

We've been listening.

Titer, your aperitif has arrived.

Oh, look at this.

Beverage service.

Keep the glass, Jeeves.

So, they're not just your soldiers, they're your little man-servants as well.

Everyone plays their part in our mission, no matter how insignificant it may seem.

Please, everyone,

sit.

I think we'll stand for the time being.

I see.

Too early yet for pleasantries?

You're holding three children hostage.

We'd like them released, please.

In due time, they shall be.

We've much to discuss.

We are not your dinner guests.

You are not.

Fine.

Have a seat, everyone.

Wonderful.

Let me begin this evening by expressing my deepest respect for you all.

You've been trying to kill us for weeks!

Precisely.

And here you all sit.

It's quite an accomplishment.

Becoming a worthy adversary of mine is no small feat.

You have all been quite confounding at every turn.

Had I not discerned how to silence that strange presence that lives inside that wooden box of yours, I may still be chasing you through the galaxy.

But

here we all are.

And we can finally put all of this to rest.

Won't that be lovely?

Let us pick up right where we left off.

Before you arrived, I was explaining to my daughters how all of this came to be.

This strange empire of mine.

As you all know, I was once a man they called Croc the Propagator.

I was a conqueror of legend, a benevolent king, a husband,

a father.

And

due to a series of unforeseen complications,

my empire came tumbling down.

Because you abandoned it.

Because

it had failed.

I was quite distraught.

As you all know, I have been searching for a way to save this universe and others like it.

A way to bend time's arrow into a circle.

Balance in all things.

And

as I left my empire to crumble and left my daughters and their siblings behind,

I began to wander the cosmos.

I had such power,

and yet I found myself powerless to bend the sentient mind.

It was somehow not enough to provide paradise.

There was a missing element to my plans, and it confounded me.

So

I wondered.

And where did my wandering take me?

Would anyone like a guess?

Earth.

Correct, Doctor.

There.

I found myself on Earth.

Just a shrub of a planet, really.

Not much to it.

The dominant species was short-lived and quite barbaric.

No real accomplishments to speak of.

But.

One day.

I found myself in a ruined city.

One of your little wars had broken out and an ancient city had been obliterated.

Citizens were gathering up what was left of their lives and running for the borders before another volley of fire came down from the sky.

In those abandoned streets,

I began to hear a voice.

I followed the sound to one of those ruined buildings and I stepped inside.

It was a theatre.

Three people sat in the seats.

One man stood on stage, a text in his hand.

He read to the others,

telling them a story.

Death could have come at any moment, but rather than run,

there they all sat.

I was astounded by it.

They should be running for their lives, but instead they took refuge in a story that they shared together.

I'd never seen anything quite like it.

Their reality was grim, their lives in danger.

The best they could do was flee the city with all the others.

But there

they sat.

They would abandon their reality for a story they could share together.

You see,

every race has its crowning achievement.

On Tita's planet, they are all warriors, the most fearsome you'd ever face.

On Nibuza's planet, they learned to listen to the cosmos itself.

Kazi's race has learned the art of wondrous and terrifying transformation.

And for the earthlings,

the stories you tell.

An earthling will abandon all facts, all figures, all safety for the sake of a well-wrought story.

Stories of heroes and villains and beasts and unrequited love.

It's truly fantastic stuff.

And I have never encountered a race so adept at staving off reality as you all are.

The terrible men you deify, the ugliness you beatify, the murders you transform into poetry.

It's astounding.

And it is with this aspect

I thought to myself

that I shall finally save the universe.

Just chiming in here as the resident idiot, but I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.

Oh, but you absolutely do, Casper.

Oh, I do, huh?

Of course.

Look at the story you tell yourself.

Over a century ago, you were, due to no fault of your own, abducted by a mysterious construct from beyond space and time.

And over the ensuing decades, said to yourself that if you hold on long enough, this random and unfortunate happening will somehow reunite you with the son that you had lost.

It did reunite me with the son I had lost.

Caspo,

that boy is not your son.

You met him for the first time just a few short months ago.

But what is the story you've been telling yourself?

Don't feel alone in your delusion.

Look to your dear leader.

Gloria had her life meticulously stripped away from her one layer at a time.

Her parents, gone.

Her lovely little restaurant, gone.

But she shall climb aboard a mysterious vessel and begin to tell herself a story of freedom fighters and justice.

What of the pirate?

Leaf will insist that he hates his homeworld and prattle on about how they've disappointed him one too many times.

That's true, is it?

Let's see what we can pluck out of the ether, shall we?

I know Earth is a backwater caveman convention, but as it turns out, I was one of the smartest guys living there.

So smart that I invented something that would change everything.

At the bottom of an abandoned gold mine, I performed a miracle.

I pulled energy out of nothing.

Like a magic trick.

A $30 million magic trick.

The first time my team saw all the lights come up on the energy register, they all cheered, lost their minds.

We had just changed the world.

In that moment of monumental change, all I remember is fear.

It was terrifying for me because I suddenly realized,

oh no,

I'm going to have to be the unlimited energy guy for the rest of my life.

I would have to make speeches and inspire people and have books written about me.

What if I didn't want to be that guy?

What if I just wanted to make something cool and then move on?

You're not disappointed in Earth, Leaf.

You're disappointed in yourself for being young and stupid.

And then

there's the Doctor.

The one above it all.

The one who sees existence as simply fermions and bosons.

But rest assured that none of you feel things more deeply than this one.

None of you strive more fervently for meaning than the one of you who insists that there is no meaning

at all.

Do you not see the power of the stories you tell yourselves?

Do you not see how thoroughly you rebuke the reality that presses down upon you?

Do you not see how powerful it is?

It is perhaps the most powerful force in any universe.

I shall do great things with the earthlings that I have made.

Together, we shall rebuke the reality we have been given

and make the universe anew.

Now who's telling themselves a story?

Yes,

perhaps I am.

But I believe in the power of my story.

Do you?

Drinks before dinner, then?

Well, what have we here?

Looks like an old arcade.

The warp zone.

Kind of appropriate.

What goes on in a place like this?

Just another stop in the long progression of places a human being hangs out.

When you're a kid, it's places like this, an arcade with a shitty drink machine.

Then you get older and move on to bars and coffee shops.

I mean, I imagine, anyway, there weren't a lot of places like this left when I was a kid, but I bet Casper hung out in them all the time.

Looks like there's no power.

So you can't tell, but each one of these big things would light up and there would be a different game you could play.

I'm sure all sorts of evil plans were hatched here by the youth of the world.

Well, you have to hatch your evil plans somewhere.

Where was it for y'all?

We had no evil plans to hatch when we were young, David.

We were very well-behaved children.

Uh-huh.

But where was it?

Come on.

School lets out and everybody goes somewhere out of the prying eyes of adults.

Well,

I suppose that was Dan Gentry's old cabin.

Yes.

Well,

I suppose that's true.

Dan Gentry had his land land bought by the state so they could build a state road through it, took the money he made, and scooted off to New Orleans, never heard from again.

His cabin was in disrepair and fell in a storm, but the fireplace still stood in two of the walls.

We'd end up there from time to time.

The young boys had a tendency to settle their grievances there.

Hopefully with a rock skipping contest and not with fisticuffs.

Dear, you hid your slingshot there.

Why, yes, that is true.

I had a slingshot that my mother did not approve of, so I kept it there amongst the rubble.

All these buildings, they're all public places.

How do you mean, David?

A diner, a movie theater, an arcade.

It's never just somebody's house or something.

It's always a place people go to.

Yes, that's true, isn't it?

I do find that to be deliberate.

Why?

One can go their whole life without knowing their neighbor.

If, in the morning, one turns one way and the neighbor turns the other, they may as well be 100 miles apart.

Something special about a crossroads.

Something sacred about those places where lives intersect.

Much harder to make a man your enemy when you share the same space.

How come we haven't seen any churches?

That is a bit odd, isn't it?

Then again, for a diner, you need a kitchen.

You can make a church out of any old thing.

Many a fine sermon cometh from the corner of one's kitchen table, David.

Ooh, one of the games is still working.

Come again.

The arcade games are all off except for that one.

Hmm.

Let's have a look at it.

Prize cube.

It's a claw game.

What's that mean?

See that claw?

You put a quarter in, and you move the claw over one of the prizes down there, and you try to grab it.

Sounds enjoyable.

What do we think keeps the lights on for this one?

I don't know.

Well,

does anyone have a quarter?

I don't.

We've got a piggy bank up on the shelf, but there's scarce ways of us getting it to you.

Forgive me my sins, but I don't need a quarter.

Do tail.

Sometimes things like this, they don't need a quarter, they just need to think you gave them a quarter.

How do you intend to deceive this machine, David?

By kicking it.

Very hard.

I appreciate the directness.

Give it a whooping.

Here we go.

Beautiful.

I can now move the claw.

David, if you wouldn't mind, I've got my eye on that pink sheep right over in the corner.

Pink sheep.

Let's do it.

Here we go.

Okay,

I am now perfectly positioned over the sheep.

Pressing the button.

Hmm.

Should I ask for my money back?

Y'all,

is there something a bit peculiar about that claw?

How do you mean, dear?

David,

is that you moving that claw around?

I'm not touching it.

I would say it's less like a claw and more of

an arm.

David, step back.

What the hell is it?

Yes, dear, confirmed.

That is an arm.

But it appears to be made of scrap metal and whatnots.

Is the arm looking at us?

How does an arm look?

Are we supposed to follow the arm?

I suppose.

Perhaps it would be rude not to.

Let's go

That way.

Mind how you move, David.

We're not welcome in this place.

I imagine that arm isn't either, and it's making quite a spectacle of itself.

Which way did it go?

It is a squirrely little thing, ain't it?

There it is.

Dear,

have we not seen an appendage such as this before?

Have we?

I seem to recall.

Even older lays.

What are you talking about?

For a time, we kept company with another one of what appears to be a myriad leafs.

Only this one was much older, and he'd been through quite a life.

He had himself a left arm that wasn't nothing but metallic parts.

I hear tell he could unhook it from itself, and it had a mind of its own.

There's some older version of leaf around here somewhere.

Well, if there is,

he's down one arm.

What in the world is it doing?

It's knocking on the wall, and

does it need our help?

It would appear to help with what exactly?

Not sure, but it does appear urgent.

It keeps knocking on the wall.

That ain't no wall.

That's a door.

How do you know?

Because it's given me that I wall feeling.

That's not a real feeling.

I suppose it needs our assistance.

Okay, give it some assistance.

Not sure how we do that, David.

Don't you guys just pray and then things happen?

Well, I would argue that's an oversimplification of the role that prayer should play in one's life.

Oh, dear, who are we, kidding?

Of course, that's what happens.

Well, then, whip your Bible out.

Make something happen.

Give me your hand, dear.

Lord, we beseech you standing outside this door pretending to be a wall.

And we ask that you aid us in returning this lonesome appendage to its rightful owner.

Your love, O Lord, joins us to each other.

Let it now join this wayward arm to its shoulder.

Look at that.

There it goes.

What do you think?

Should we follow it?

Guys?

Muckle Waynes?

Shit.

Where did you go?

Great.

I guess I'm following the arm.

Dinner is served.

In honor of your presence, I've made chicken.

Chicken?

Yes.

You're fond of chickens on your planet, are you not?

It's a veritable chicken holocaust back on Earth.

What would be more fitting?

Please,

enjoy.

So,

how does this work exactly?

Can you be more specific, Doctor?

To bend time's arrow into a circle.

That's what you said.

Correct.

You want to fundamentally change how the universe works.

I do.

And so you've set up this galactic petri dish, trying to find the perfect way to do that.

Yes.

By controlling the minds of humans.

Ah.

I thought I'd encounter your particular brand of cosmological fatalism, Doctor.

You, of course, believe that the universe is an uncaring tide of particles carrying us along.

You believe that the universe is...

How did you put it?

How it works is this.

People like to say that the universe is a harsh and uncaring place, but for the universe to not care about you is to assume that it ever considered you in the first place.

The universe,

it doesn't notice you.

It has never considered you.

You

are not on its mind.

You are just a particular configuration of dust.

You are a rounding error.

You are the least of the universe.

You believe the universe would carry on without us, were we not here?

That the universe careens towards an end whether we observe it or not yes

you

are incorrect doctor

the mind of the observer is essential to the life of the universe you've seen this yourself on your planet in your dalliances with quantum physics

the universe behaves as a very different thing

when it's being observed does it not

An observing mind guides a universe, shapes it.

it.

If one controls the observing mind,

they control the universe.

You cannot control the universe just by thinking about it.

Not alone, no.

Not even I can do that.

But a galaxy of minds thinking in unison,

that

is something else entirely.

Two galaxies,

three,

a million.

Then things begin to change.

Then you begin to shape it to your will.

Even if that were true,

it's an impossible task.

For one so short-lived as yourself,

of course it is.

But I have billions of years to enact my plan.

And there's only one thing standing in your way.

There are many things standing in my way, Leif.

You just saw them on display in my garden.

Curious little constructs flying through the multiverse like antibodies, all in ridiculous forms.

Diners, bars, cafes, adorable little bookshops.

They are ridiculous, and they confounded my work.

They needed...

to be stopped.

But I was a very busy man.

I had not the patience to seek them out myself.

So I made a weapon.

Your weapon didn't work.

We escaped Pasadena.

Not that weapon, Leif.

The first weapon.

I'm sure we all remember this song of the summer.

Time is the substance I am made of.

Time is a river that sweeps me along, but I am the word man.

It is a tiger which destroys me, but I am the tiger.

It is a fire which consumes me, but I...

I am the fire.

Clementine was incredibly efficient.

She felt inexorably drawn to constructs such as yours, and when she found them, she offered a simple choice to those within.

She would give you your heart's desire, or she would give you oblivion.

And in universe after universe, it worked.

These constructs were abandoned one way or the other.

And when they were abandoned,

that's when I could remove them from the board.

The diner doesn't work when nobody's inside it.

Correct.

When they are abandoned, they sleep.

For eons, sometimes, until they are discovered again.

And when they sleep, I can bring them here, where they will never be discovered.

The process was very efficient.

Clementine was my hunting dog, and I the hunter.

But then...

Then we defeated Clementine.

That's correct, Leif.

In universe after universe, Clementine was successful.

Until she met you all.

And then,

after she was defeated by you,

it was as if the spell had been broken.

She was defeated time and time again, as if all these disparate constructs were learning from each other.

There is something different about that diner of yours.

I'm not not sure what, but it's no matter because now I have it.

It shall sleep here forever, and I may continue my work.

And what happens to us?

You shall remain here as well.

You shall be my guests here on my planet for the remainder of your days.

Please don't see it as a prison.

I shall provide you with everything you desire.

Kazi Libuza Tita, you may all be released.

I shall return you to your ship, and you may go with my blessing.

Why not just let us go with them?

An abundance of caution.

The good doctor does excel at finding these constructs in the wilds of the universe.

I can't have you released only to trouble me again.

My daughters may leave because I love them,

and also because I find the work they do to be irrelevant.

Ah,

the second course has arrived

another homage to her earthling friends

hot pockets Jesus Christ

I can't believe he finally caught it.

I thought it'd be bigger or more frightening.

It doesn't look like much at all.

You there?

What's our current assignment?

Ah, yes.

Hello there.

Just looking for a

mop.

I was told to clean the floors.

A mop?

Why not have one of the droids do it?

Yes.

Well, you see, there is

a certain value in doing a thing with one's own two hands.

Or, so I'm told.

Can't take pride in your work if something's doing it for you.

Did we even have a mop?

I've never seen one.

Check down in Article Confinement.

We may have taken one from one of the constructs.

Yes, we'll do.

Thank you for your assistance.

Weird muscle in the processing regimen.

Dear?

Are you there, dear?

I seem to have stumbled backwards into the rainments worn by our captors.

Dear.

Oh, my.

Good afternoon to you.

Just on a hunt for a mop?

Perhaps you've seen one?

Zebulon.

What in the world are you doing in there?

I should ask you the same.

We opened the door.

Next thing I know, I'm in one of these get-ups.

The same for me.

Have you seen David?

No, dear.

I've been wandering up and down the halls.

A mop, Zebulon?

Yes.

I engaged them in a bit of deception, telling them I needed a mop.

I believe it is working.

Zebulon, any minute one of them is going to notice that there ain't no one inside these garments but our disembodied voices.

Yes, dear, it's an imperiled position to be in, no doubt.

Though the Lord has never put us in a place we didn't need to be.

Zebulon.

I am increasingly frustrated by the vagaries of our Lord and Savior.

A bit of directness would be appreciated.

Indeed.

The burning bush, perhaps spoke to Moses right out of dirt clouds.

But we are, of course,

grateful for his movements.

Yes, of course.

Gratitude.

What are we to do now?

Well,

I say first thing is we find ourselves a mop.

Shh.

Hold up.

Do you hear that, dear?

I'm afraid not, dear.

Come on this way.

I'm getting a strange feeling.

Lead the way.

What are we doing here, Robot Arm?

Make a move.

I'm in a hostile environment.

What?

What is it?

Uh, you want me to open this door?

Okay, be honest, robot arm.

Is this going to kill me?

That's not a definitive answer.

Fuck it.

Hello?

Am I supposed to follow you?

Hello?

Thanks for the hand, David.

Holy shit.

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Dear?

Yes, dear.

Your whistling is not making us appear as nonchalant as you may think.

Is it not?

No, dear.

Nothing to fear from a man who's whistling, I say.

Hush up.

Why the hushing, dear?

A couple of ne'er-do-wells around the corner.

They look like they're guarding something.

What shall we do about it?

I'm gonna loiter my way up to them and act like I own the place.

Very well.

Follow my lead, husband.

How do, gents?

We're here to relieve you of your duties.

Already?

We just got started.

Hate that the way.

Bit of a change in the old duty roster.

Looks like you made out well.

Your shift just got a might bit shorter.

Small blessing, I say.

Okay.

Well, I'm not gonna argue.

Let's go, Josie.

Sounds good to me.

Anything we need to know?

Need to know?

You stand here and get bored until someone comes to relieve you.

You know, like it always is.

Very good, then.

Nice to be blessed with work.

Fured for the balance.

Yes, indeed, y'all.

All sorts of love for that balance.

Well,

ain't that a thing?

It's as my father always said.

The right set of clothes at the right time could get you in all sorts of doors.

Let's have a look at what they're keeping safe.

Spears

looks like a crystal ball farm in here.

Not sure what all these luminous globes could be about, dear, but they were under guard.

All right, now, Lord,

You brought me here, and time is of the essence.

You want to give me some sort of a sign?

I don't even know why I even ask anymore.

I'm taking a globe, Lord.

Let's find David's at Milan.

Am I to take one as well, dear?

No.

All right then.

Hey!

Hey!

What?

What is happening?

Who?

You're me!

Yeah!

What?

Oh.

First time?

What do you mean?

You haven't met yourself yet?

No.

Damn.

How long have you been doing this?

I don't know.

A few weeks?

Oh, damn.

And you ended up here?

Yeah.

Sorry about that.

I gotta have a lot more fun before I hit the dark shit.

How did you get here?

Okay, we can do the catching up to speed thing while we're escaping.

Fine.

We had a good group for a while.

Dane and Deb were a married couple who ran the place.

Vincent was an appliance repair guy.

He kept all the video games running.

Then there was Jean-Luc.

Jean-Luc Gabeau.

He was crazy.

He was this Quebecois separatist, really good at blowing shit up.

Came in handy sometimes, but that was his solution to everything, you know.

Fucked him.

I make bomb.

What happened to them?

Clementine.

We were on the trail of this...

I still don't know how to describe her.

She could do anything, and she really hated that we kept tracking her down.

Eventually, she made us all a deal.

She could give us whatever we wanted as long as we left.

Dane and Deb were ready to pack it in.

They got an alpaca farm.

Vincent wanted to go back to something called the Taiwan Miracle, and Jean-Luc finally got to see his dream of a free and independent Quebec.

Why didn't you take a deal?

You're me.

Would you?

No.

Besides, Dad had already told me all about her.

I knew what she was about.

I mean, her story was different from the story Dad told me, but it was the same vibe.

It was down to just me, and we just talked and talked and talked, and eventually she gave up on me.

Then these guys showed up again.

Again?

You've been here before?

Part of the gig.

Nothing ever repeats, but it does look pretty damn familiar.

I'm so confused.

I know.

Okay, if you got on board the diner, how did you end up in an arcade?

David?

Effie?

Davids?

Zebulon?

What?

On God's green earth?

What the hell is this?

It's the Mucklewains.

The who?

The Mucklewains.

What are you talking about?

You didn't meet the Mucklewains?

Okay, so when I say I don't know what you're talking about, okay, there's a radio on the counter.

There are two people inside it.

They can inhabit different things.

Nope.

Well, here's a conversation that doesn't need to happen immediately.

Effie, why do you have a glowing sphere?

We are not clear on that one, David.

Whatever, explain later.

Let's go.

I can't fucking take this anymore.

Stick with the plan.

So tell me, Dad,

what's this going to look like, this perfect universe of yours?

Sounds kind of boring, if you ask me.

I'm afraid that to describe a universe that is outside the reach of time and space is nearly impossible to one such as you, Tita.

Right.

Boring.

Why couldn't I see you?

I've been blaming myself for not knowing you were there.

I could see everything else else coming, but not you.

No need to blame yourself, dear.

It is not simply my origins that obscure me from your vision.

I've taken many precautions so that my work was not disturbed.

It's why I've gone to such pains to eliminate your friends and their insufferable diner.

Always in my endeavors, there were these constructs stumbling haphazardly into thwarting me.

We're not stumbling haphazardly.

You don't think we do this for a reason?

I know of your reasons, and I do not care about your reasons.

I care about mine.

You seem to think of yourselves as helpers, as Samaritans.

Allow me to pose this question.

Is it helpful to unmoor the raft from the reeds in the river, if all that awaits is a waterfall?

All these people you claim to be helping, they are all headed for darkness and oblivion.

Aren't all of you exhausted?

The rise and fall of empire, the ebb and flow of disease, the interruption of paradise by the serpent.

I know you've all felt it.

That unease.

Oh God, another year.

What if you're doing it to yourselves

what if the decay of all things is not an immutable law

what if my friends we make the world

sounds fascinating until I remember that you're torturing an entire galaxy yes

there is that

unfortunate

grist for the mill I'm afraid

should I not sacrifice one galaxy to save countless others I don't feel saved.

Anyone else here feels saved?

When does the saving start?

That sounds nice.

Patience, Gloria.

Your whole plan hinges on you being right.

Are you right?

I am.

Are you sure?

History's full of people apologizing for their solution to society's ills.

They all say they're right at first.

I believe I'm a bit different, Gloria.

They all say that, too.

Everything hinges on you being right.

And if you're wrong, you've created trillions of souls only to torture them.

They will not be open to hearing your apology.

I will be thanked.

In the end.

In the end?

In the end?

Ever waited on tables, Kroc?

Are you being serious?

I've done it my whole life.

It's interesting waiting tables.

It's psychologically

very interesting.

People are nice, generally speaking, but for some reason when you sit them down at a table in a restaurant, this

thing takes over because they suddenly have a little power now, right?

Now they can decide whether or not you get a good tip.

They suddenly sit in judgment of your performance.

You give them a little bit of power and that's when they start to have ideas.

Why isn't she doing this?

Why isn't she doing it the way I would do it?

Can you believe the service in this place?

Lots of ideas.

And the ideas, of course, come mostly from people who have never waited a table in their life.

I've spent a lot of time in my life having to deal with people who have power over me.

And they always have lots of ideas.

and you know what I don't think I can take any more of

people

and their fucking ideas

I'm sick of it

I'm so sick of it it's just a battlefield of ideas out there and you know what I don't think I've ever had an idea in my life

I just helped people.

I brought them some food or a cup of coffee and moved on to the next table.

And then along come the people with the power and ideas, and all they do is make my life harder.

Someone as powerful as you, do you have any idea how much unmitigated joy you could create if you stopped having ideas and just helped people?

I'm so sick of it.

You're holding three children hostage.

Release the children and let's get on with this.

Anything else, Gloria?

Your chicken was dry.

Let's go, everyone.

We need to say some goodbyes.

So they live in your radio, but they also leave the radio and live inside other stuff?

Yeah, it's like a poltergeist possession movie.

But nice.

Wild.

Nothing like that in here?

No.

I do feel like Donkey Kong Jr.

is talking to me sometimes, but that may be my imagination.

So what are you going to do?

I've got a good hiding spot in the back room.

I'll wait there and eventually this place will light up.

As long as there's someone inside, it'll start working.

Then what?

Then it's the next place and the next.

Some people will will stay, some will go.

That's the life.

That's life.

I've got to ask about the arm.

Yeah.

You know, Leif told me to stay out of the Justine Burbank system.

It happens.

So, if you got on board the diner, how did you end up here?

It was time to move on.

If you've been here before,

can you tell me how we get out of this?

I could.

But remember it never repeats itself

Look, I know this looks pretty bleak.

I'm standing here.

I'm alone.

I've got a janky robot arm

Remember that dude who owned the comic book shop

Gregory Gregory the god of chaos He paid us a hundred dollars to clear out his storage space and load up a U-Haul.

I remember.

We were running out of couch surfing options at the moment, so what did we do?

Uh, We made a copy of his key and slept in his storage space for two months.

That's right.

Then along came Kevin.

Kevin.

Sweet guy.

Way too much Broadway memorabilia.

He was mortified when we first went over to his house.

Because he slept on a mattress on the floor.

No box spring.

But we didn't care.

Because we had been sleeping in a storage space for two months.

Why are you telling me this?

I know it's a silly little story,

we survive because of the things we've survived.

You want to know how you get out of this?

I'm sorry, David.

You don't.

But you'll survive.

Every bullet makes you more bulletproof.

Best get a move on, David.

I don't know when this thing's going to take off.

I'd hate to scoop you up on accident.

Alright.

I mean, you can come along if you want, but I don't know.

Two of us?

It's bad for the brand.

It's bad for the brand.

Good luck, David.

You too, David.

Y'all.

David, over here.

Behind the topiary, David.

Is it weird that I like the funny voices on you two?

David, you can take that humor and put it in in your back pocket for the time being.

Thank you very much.

David, we believe it's time to extricate ourselves from these odd garments.

Okay.

Take the sphere.

Get out your phone.

Holding sphere, phone out.

Get in, your husband.

Going my way.

Well,

that ain't much better, but at least we're a bit more clandestine.

What of the other David?

I guess he hides out in there until the thing takes off.

Not a bad disposition for a man that's one quarter junkyard.

Yeah?

David, I imagine that was mighty unnerving to see your mirror image.

What are we doing?

I don't think any of us really know, David.

I'm standing here with a glowing ball.

Could have gone much worse, David.

This is probably a piece of sporting equipment.

They probably throw this through a hoop or something.

David, I'm thinking maybe you had some high hopes for this unplanned little venture of ours.

Maybe I did.

We admire your fortitude in the face of all this, David.

I can't believe this is their plan.

I know, David.

It's not even a plan, it's just

I don't even know what to call it.

David, they are like so many people out there in that ocean of existence, just trying to wring a drop of the possible from the impossible.

Such an act can lead one to some very odd places, such as the place we find ourselves now.

I know you were just trying to turn it all around, David.

We admire your hopefulness.

I feel like we were just getting started.

I know, David.

The sister ship is coming in for a landing.

I

guess this is it.

Oh!

Hello there!

I recognize those voices anywhere.

How are you three?

Okay, listen close, listen close.

Do you see that great big ship all the way over there?

We're all gonna get onto that big ship.

Isn't that fun?

And we have a special room picked out just for you.

Can you help me walk towards it?

Come here, you little shithead.

Who wants a piggyback ride?

Ah,

that's lovely.

It warms the heart, does it not?

You killed their sister.

You want to knock it off with the genial bullshit?

I'm going to enjoy these years we're going to spend together, Gloria.

It shall be my personal mission to bring you around to my side of things.

It's not so monstrous as you might think.

So nice to have a dream, Kroc.

We're going to say our goodbyes, and then we can.

Then we're all yours.

Lovely.

Please take your time.

You have the rest of your lives.

Get your buns in there, kids.

Don't press any buttons.

You're gonna blow up the whole thing.

Is that Malu's family?

Yes.

Do they know yet?

Let's make that tomorrow's problem, okay?

Yeah.

Hey,

take this.

Um.

What what is this, David?

It's a sphere, Labooza.

Yes, I can feel that.

What is it?

I don't know, just take it.

It has some strange vibrations.

Honestly, it's probably a hairdryer or something.

Okay, I'll bring it inside.

Sure.

How'd it go in there?

As expected, sadly.

You've been quiet today.

You've been quiet today.

Have I?

Yes.

We both have.

I guess.

What's going on?

Days like this, I

get a little reflective.

Days like this?

Yes.

We've never had a day like this.

No?

No.

I seem to recall this one time where I got shoved into deep space.

Wow.

I was very reflective that day.

I thought we had evolved past moments like this.

Oh, I don't evolve.

Really?

Why would I?

I was born perfect.

Right.

Foolish of me.

We should take a vacation.

What?

A vacation.

Okay.

Where?

I don't know.

Where do people go on vacation?

I don't know.

The Caribbean?

No tropics.

Okay.

Skiing?

Yeah, I don't like downward motion.

Of course.

A riverboat.

A riverboat?

With gambling on it.

Sure.

I hear you do a good riverboat gambler.

Why do a fantastic riverboat gambler?

The full experience, though, the suit, everything.

Of course.

You think you can really go that long without doing math?

I'll be counting cards.

Rich.

So

don't die.

Nobody dies.

I'm going to implant something in your body.

I'm sorry?

It's the same thing I planted on Casper.

I'll be able to monitor you from anywhere in the universe.

You won't be able to talk to me, but I'll know your status at all times.

That's creepy.

I'm aware.

But you're probably right.

Okay, go for it.

Hold still.

I'm not going to be able to help you anymore.

I know.

That's really going to kill me.

I know.

I don't know what.

I don't know who I am without this place anymore.

As someone who has enhanced or replaced most parts of their body, I offer you this.

Nothing makes you except yourself.

We make ourselves.

We make the world.

Good luck, Gloria.

You too.

Fuckface.

Tita.

I was thinking about something.

What's that?

You know how you won't ever shut up about being a terrible father?

Like, oh, woe is me, my terrible fathering, all that?

Yeah.

I realize now.

I won't ever have to listen to any of that shit again.

You know why?

because you have the worst dad ever because i have the worst dad ever like literally the worst dad in the universe it's true not a lot of people can say that congratulations in fact i never have to listen to anybody complain about their dad ever again isn't that great turns out this is actually a great day isn't it

You'll look after him, right?

Of course I will.

And I promise I'll only teach him 20 ways to kill someone.

Uh-huh.

How many are there?

I'm always discovering new ones.

Alright.

Thank you, Tita.

Shut up, stupid.

Hey.

Hey.

Okay.

They've got you set up in the ship.

Nice little room, apparently.

I heard.

Listen, I know the sisters are all like super powerful geniuses, but they're just as full of shit as anybody else, okay?

I know.

You went on a little adventure today?

I was trying to save the day.

Well,

that's admirable.

This can't be how it goes.

David, sometimes you just fucking lose.

It doesn't matter how good you are or how right you are or how strong you are.

Sometimes...

Sometimes the tide just rises up and fucking clobbers you.

You can get mad about it if you want, but you'll never end up getting mad at the right person or thing.

The only thing you can do when shit like this happens is just

reach out.

Try and grab onto something that's still there.

And if there's nothing there, you reach further and further until you you find it.

Because amidst the waves of defeat and injustice,

you'll always find something out there that will outlast it all.

I'll try and do that if you do.

Are you coming back?

I'm coming back.

I was always coming back.

I was too.

Mucklewains, they're not gonna know you're not in the radio.

That's well heard, Casper.

There's all sorts of places out there we can make our home.

Take care of them, okay?

We shall, my friend.

Take care of them.

I will.

Come on, come say goodbye.

Okay.

David.

You've got the fabricator and the exciter, right?

Yes.

Here, take these pencils.

Hello, kitty pencils?

Yes, because apparently it would kill your father to find a blackwing or two.

They're fun.

David, take this bag.

It's dried chilies.

Apparently, there are no aliens out there that know how to do spicy.

Thanks.

Take this.

This is a picture of me and you and your mom.

It's been in my wallet for literally a hundred years, so

could use a change of scenery.

Okay.

I feel strangely calm right now, and I don't know why.

Feels like I almost lost this place about a hundred times in the past year.

But then suddenly I stopped being afraid of it.

I stopped being afraid of losing something I cared about, and it was replaced with...

I don't know, this weird certainty.

Like nothing could take it away from me.

I don't know what to call that feeling.

Well, that's faith, Gloria.

It always has been.

Now, I say that to you, and you think I'm talking about God, but it's apart from that.

I've thought much about faith throughout my life, as I'm sure you can imagine.

I've seen it everywhere, outside of the realm of the church, in everyday life.

I've seen people have devout faith in all sorts of things.

Look at Leaf there.

A faith in there always being a way.

A faith in solutions.

There's Casper,

a faith in tomorrow, ever forward, that way.

Then there's Ava, who thinks we don't notice that at the beginning of each of her notebooks, she writes a little something.

At quid, amabo, nissi, quod enigma est.

And what shall I love if not the enigma?

A faith in the unknown.

And then there's you, Gloria.

An unerring faith in all of us.

It's just a letting go, is all.

A peace within you.

A trust that wraps itself around you.

You need not know what it is.

Not sure if even I do.

Everybody remembered those feelings, okay?

That's how we get back.

David.

We love you very much.

It's time to go.

I'm not saying goodbye.

Good.

I'm done with that, too.

Go with God, y'all.

We'll be out there, somewhere, looking for you.

We'll be taking our leave now, Father.

You're welcome to stay, Kazzi.

I have much work to do, and it would fill me with joy to do it with my family by my side.

Let's let that be the last time you refer to us as your family.

You just called me father.

I call you father as a reminder.

Very well.

If you'll not stay, then I suggest you climb into your ship and fly very, very far away from here.

This courtesy I extend to you will not be extended again.

We'll be leaving, father.

But I need you to hear this:

I will be coming back.

And when I do,

I'm coming back for everything.

I cannot be killed, Cuzzi.

So long as my dream lives,

I live.

Anything can be killed.

So,

I'm to see you next on the battlefield, is that it?

No,

you won't see me coming.

I'm filled with pride

in spite of myself, David.

Okay,

I love you, Kidda.

I know.

Good luck, everyone.

Okay.

And welcome everyone to the craziest fucking thing we've ever done.

Get them out.

Sounds like we're good to go.

Paradise, Laif, better be fucking right about this.

Only one way to find out.

You're up, Leif.

Here I go.

Hey there, Kroc.

Ready to begin the rest of your life, Leif?

We've decided

we'll agree to your terms on one condition.

Yes, Leif.

You see how this works is you are my prisoner and actually have no bargaining power.

One condition.

Alright, what is it?

I want to see one of the guns.

One of the guns?

Yes.

One of the guns from one of my soldiers.

Yes.

Leif, you realize that you will not be able to use this gun on myself or any of my men.

I figured.

Why, then?

Cut me some slack.

I'm an engineer.

I need to see the thing that beat me.

Very well.

If it will speed things along,

someone give him a gun.

Thanks.

So,

what are you scared of, Kroc?

Scared.

Yeah.

I'm not scared of anything, Leif.

Really?

Yes.

See,

the thing is, I don't really listen to what people say.

I look at what they make.

Back on Earth, we love to talk about peace.

Peace on Earth, goodwill toward men.

We say it every year.

But what do we make?

Weapons, mostly.

On Earth, if one guy presses one button, the whole planet goes up in flames.

But we love to talk about peace.

And this gun

wasn't meant for me.

That huge weapon behind you, the one you shot down the diner with,

that wasn't meant for us.

You've wrapped this entire solar solar system in a shield.

A shield?

For you, the Almighty Kroc?

To protect you from what?

What are you scared of, Kroc?

I fear nothing.

Okay.

This thing is really amazing.

There's hardly any technology in it.

I have no idea how it works.

It would take me the rest of my life to figure this thing out.

I

hate that.

I hate limitations.

I hate barriers.

I hate being

trapped, guys.

I can't do this, guys.

Leaf, what are you talking about?

I can't watch myself do this.

Leaf.

I can't watch any of you do it either.

Leaf.

Sorry, Muhammad.

Leaf, what the fuck are you?

What in the heavens?

Leaf, are you out of here?

Somebody fucking stop him.

Sorry, Doctor.

Oh, shit.

You're a fucking madman.

You really choose death.

Showtime.

What a fucking waste.

What shall we do?

I'm afraid there's nothing to do.

earthlings.

They couldn't have done this before dinner,

sir?

Nothing.

Prepare the diner for storage, I suppose.

What an inauspicious ending.

What is that?

No,

impossible.

What do we do?

Find it and get it back.

Will I ever stop underestimating you,

little brother?

The access key isn't working.

Use the manual lock.

I don't know where that is.

Neither do I.

Cheetah, what's going on?

Why is the alarm going on?

Labooza's in there.

What is she doing?

Me and the Mucklewain stole this sphere from Croc's Planet.

She said she was going to do some experiments with it.

Next thing we know, there's a power surge to the Vista, and the whole ship is going crazy.

Get me inside that room.

All right, stand back.

God damn it!

Fuck!

Labooza

Labooza, whatever you're doing, you've got to stop

Labooza.

What the fuck happened?

Labuza,

Labuza, can you hear me?

Tita, get the nano-surgeon.

We're going to be okay.

Labooza?

We're going to be okay.

What do you mean?

I can see him now.

Hello,

holy shit,

it worked,

I think.

Okay,

not on earth.

Oh my God.

So

are you to magically drop into my life from time to time?

Is that how it's to go?

Rody,

it's good that you've arrived.

I've no idea how to cook this fish.

Mirvin Feuer

Huh?

Mirvin Feuer

Sure

Um

Tuck

So what the fuck is all this then?

What?

Okay, so we were screwed, right?

We found out that we were going to be trapped on this planet forever with this fucking space god while he tortures an entire galaxy.

Do you have anything like limes on this planet?

Perhaps those there.

Okay, so we knew that these time weapons they were using didn't work quite right on the diner.

They didn't send us to a random place in space and time.

They sent us to a place that we had to have some connection to.

Oh,

that's great.

Smells.

Smells lovely.

And then I remembered that we had these.

What is that?

They mimicked the signal of the diner.

So I was like, if we're wearing these, does that mean the same thing happens to us?

Leif said, I don't know.

And Ava said, yes, which usually means, yes.

So we all wore the pagers, and Leif shot all of us.

He shot you?

Yes.

And then I woke up here.

Amazing.

It is.

I don't understand.

Because I know you.

It had to send me somewhere that I was connected to.

I see.

Do you?

Not really.

Well, don't worry about it.

I'm here and that's great.

It is.

But it's terrible.

Is it?

Yes, because...

Because I didn't really think through this part of the plan.

Which part of the plan is this?

I have to get back to the diner.

I see.

I have no idea how to do that.

Nor do I.

Exactly.

I usually have Leif and Ava to figure this out.

I do.

Well, if I can tear you away from the kitchen for a moment, there is something I'd like to show you.

What is it?

Come with me.

When the Earthlings were first brought to this planet, we had to be put into quarantine for some time.

There was not much to do but browse their digital archives, and in in an idle moment, I looked you up.

Did you seriously Facebook stalk me from the future?

I have no idea what that means.

You were looking around for me.

Well,

perhaps I was a bit forlorn after our last encounter.

Okay, I need you to not be charming yet.

I'm trying to concentrate.

Very well.

In my investigation, I discovered this.

That's a statue of me.

This is in the hero's pavilion in their capital city here on Segius.

You're very important to them here.

You were, according to them, the spark that lit the flames of rebellion.

I was?

Yes.

Wow.

So, when I discovered you asleep on my beach, I thought I should give them a ring.

Give who a ring?

Not sure who I spoke with now that you mention it.

The powers powers that be.

What did they say?

They're sending a representative from the planetary government.

Here?

Yes.

That's great.

I believe it is.

Okay.

More so than the last Scotsman in the universe, yes.

Okay, so I just wait here and they show up?

Apparently.

Okay.

I'm so amped right now.

Emotions are running, huh?

Yes.

When are they going to be here?

First thing in the morning, they said.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, okay.

I really need to take it down a notch.

Or two.

I'm running pretty hot right now.

I need to distract myself.

How can I distract myself?

Well, that depends.

On what?

Am I allowed to be charming yet?

Yes.

Fuck

better than the void of space,

I guess.

Hello,

hello,

hello.

Jesus, it's fucking beautiful here.

It's almost embarrassing how lovely it is.

Brody,

I'm so sorry.

I haven't asked you one question since yesterday.

You've had quite a lot to say.

How are you?

How are things here?

As you can see, I've no complaints.

All I knew before this was a dying spacecraft, stranded in the void.

Now I've sand beneath my feet and an ocean.

I must say, I'd seen pictures of the ocean, but there are some things that cannot be contained in an image.

They've deposited all the earthlings here on this island.

They call it Silmarouche.

That's their word for earth, apparently.

For the moment, they treat us as wildlife.

They come here to study us.

I had a visit the other day from a representative of the what was it?

The Council of Language and Dialect, wanting to preserve my brogue.

How are the mushrooms?

Still in quarantine, sadly.

Hard to find a home for many of them here.

The salt water and sand is not the best of environs for fungi.

Their language doesn't even have a word for my ecologist.

But I'll be reunited with them someday.

After all, if you and I can be reunited, then anything's possible, is it not?

I missed you.

And I, you?

I should have given you a picture of me or something.

Ah, Gloria.

There are some things that cannot be contained in an image.

Would you stop it?

What did I do?

Stop it.

I'm afraid I can't help it.

There, on the horizon.

Here Here it comes.

Wow, it looks like a bird.

They seem to be incapable of making anything ugly on this planet.

I should warn you, the Sijians are a.

What's a word for it?

A fastidious lot.

Try and have patience.

Okay.

Gloria, hello.

Hi.

My name is Borsch, and this is my colleague, Ixio.

Good morning, Gloria.

Please place your hand on the scanner for authentication.

Oh, uh, okay.

We are from the Council of History and Reconciliation, and it's an honor to meet you.

Thanks, you too.

ID confirmed.

Welcome to CGIS, Gloria.

Gloria, the council has authorized me to say the following.

Gloria, it is an honor to have you on CGS, and we have granted our two agents, Borsch, that's me, and Ixio, I'm Ixio, to provide you with anything you need during your stay.

We should add that the word anything has been accompanied by three caveat subgroups that can be found here on this tablet.

Oh, okay.

Gloria, I suggest we begin with a debrief, followed by the creation of action items.

I suggest we take those action items and create a cross-council working document.

Agreed.

Following this meeting will be secondary and tertiary meetings with representatives from the Council of Technological Assistance and the Council for Dietary Acclimation, though their meeting will be delayed for two days.

What's the reasoning for that?

Trado's partner has given birth.

Wonderful.

Have we distributed congratulatory messages to the family?

Communications is finalizing the language.

Excellent.

Glorious.

Guys, it's very nice to meet you.

We've got a lot to talk about.

How about you come inside?

I'll make us some food and we can talk.

We think that would be a very beneficial next step.

Great.

Come on in.

We should send a flash memo to the Council of Culinary Preservation regarding this meal.

I recommend we send it with Earth metrics to preserve authenticity.

Agreed.

Okay,

alive

check

location

No idea

Hello

Good morning

X please proceed with us to testing center three Three

Us?

Please proceed with us to Testing Center Three.

We will begin your debrief there.

Exes

Okay,

sure

Shit.

Lead the way, ladies.

Had a pager on me.

Have either of you seen it?

We'll begin your debrief in testing center three.

Sure.

Through this door.

Okay.

Any chance one of you could kill me right now?

No, no.

Didn't think so.

That's my pager.

I always said that when we visited someone's house for the first time, we should bring a gift.

And you argued with me and argued with me.

But now look at what you've brought me.

Hello, darling.

Hello, honey.

Hello?

Hello?

Hey, Peter.

Hey, Fiona.

If you're hearing this, our plan worked.

We kept you hidden in the diner, and it was able to escape.

You saved the day, Fiona.

Now the hard part starts.

We've all got some messages for you.

Here's Leif.

Hey, Fiona.

So, quick breakdown on Peter.

He's completely autonomous.

He'll know when to recharge and when to do maintenance.

I've programmed him with several basic commands for you.

You've got sentry mode, zone defense, shadow, death blossom.

Life.

Yeah, sorry.

There's a full list up on the roof.

Check it out.

The command center is all shut down.

I'm the only one who knows how to use all that stuff anyway.

But even though it's all shut shut down, do yourself a favor and spend some time up there.

You can even sleep in the hammock if you want.

I've spent my life under a whole lot of stars and I can guarantee you there's nothing more beautiful than the sky when the diner is traveling.

It's different every night.

No repeats.

But then...

Sometimes you'll see a galaxy you recognize sailing by.

Maybe a nebula or two.

They become old friends.

Oh.

And under the front counter is something called a purple nullifier.

Don't touch it.

Here's Ava.

Hi there, Fiona.

Your main concern during this time will be to keep people out of my booth.

I realize it looks like a mess in there, but everything is exactly where it needs to be.

However, I have left you a notebook and a pencil.

Because guess what, Fiona?

You're a scientist now.

Being a scientist isn't about going to school.

In fact, some of the best ones never went to school.

It's about the way you see the world.

It's about curiosity and, in my case, obsession.

Write down the things you see.

Keep writing them down.

Eventually, in all those things you observe, something immense and mysterious emerges.

A similarity in all things.

One great thread that you follow into the darkness.

You can miss it if you're not looking close enough.

You definitely don't want to miss it.

Okay,

here's Dummy.

Okay, Fiona.

Loneliness.

Fiona, I don't know when we're going to be able to make it back there.

Considering how that thing works, works, it could be a long time for us or a short time for you or both or neither.

You may be in for a lot of long nights alone.

Try not to let it get to you.

The thing is, you can be lonely in a group of people.

I've done it many times.

What that means is, if you can be lonely with all sorts of people around, you can also be alone without being lonely.

There are all sorts of ways to do that.

For me, it was

ketchup bottles and napkin holders and the fucking parmesan cheese.

The work right in front of me became my friend because it was always there.

The next day became my friend because it was always there.

No matter what you do, just

keep going.

Okay, here's the Mungawitz.

Well, Fiona, we were putting work towards finding you a nice little bon bond from the Bible to help you through this time, but nothing felt quite right.

Yes, Fiona, sometimes it's best to set aside the books and speak from one soul to another.

And what we'll say to you on this, the first day of your new life, is: do not forget the mission.

And what is that mission, you might ask?

Nothing too trying.

No journeys up the mountain or down into the deeps.

It's simply to reach out to another.

All sorts of people will be walking in that door of yours, and their needs will range from the simple to the absurd.

And there you shall be.

And you'll look this way and that for the one who's set to handle this mission.

But on your left or your right will be no one.

It will just be little old you.

And there will always be that moment where you say to yourself, Coldern, this is up to me.

And it's a sobering moment.

That moment when the heavens points its finger to you.

It ain't a duty you signed up for or would wish on another, but there it sits in your lap, waiting for you to do something about it.

It's a sacred duty, sometimes a burden.

But the task of connecting with another and letting their life into yours now sits with you.

You must try not to shirk that duty, Fiona.

And more importantly, see that duty as a privilege.

May the Lord bless you and keep you, Fiona.

And may our prayers for your fortitude find you somewhere out in the beyond.

Okay, Fiona, this is it.

What advice do I have?

I don't know how good of a cook you are, but you're about to become a better one, unless you're like Casper.

Hey.

Remember that walk-in where I kept you captive for a while?

Well, you're going to learn a lot in that walk-in.

See, when I started walking in there, the things I found in there started to change.

Like it knew me.

All the ingredients I knew how to use were suddenly there.

It was giving me everything I knew how to use.

I'll give you an example.

Casper, what did the walk-in give you?

Me?

Uh,

white bread and uh

ham,

uh,

mayonnaise, lots of mayonnaise.

You get it.

The other thing it does, though,

it shows you where you've been.

You'll see an ingredient and you'll think, oh yeah,

I know how to make that.

And you'll remember why you know it and who taught you to make it.

It'll show you your life if you let it.

I'm sorry about this, Fiona.

I bet you are wanting a bigger victory than this.

But sometimes survival has to be the victory.

Sometimes you need to choose what victory is.

Sometimes victory is just the next day.

But it doesn't have to stop there.

First,

little victories,

then bigger ones, and bigger ones, until one day, with all those little victories behind you,

you'll look around and see that the fighting is finally done.

One day the fighting will finally be done.

And you can sit down and have a look at the world you created.

It's out there somewhere, Fiona.

We're on our way.

Okay, Peter,

let's start the shift.

Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all.

Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens.

Just remember, we're out there, somewhere, looking for you.

We open at six.

Thank you so much for listening to season four of Midnight Burger.

We're going to take a little break now because, damn, we almost caught fire this time.

Don't worry though, we'll be back later this year.

We're going to head over to the subscriber feeds for a while, do some shift notes where we talk about the season we just made.

We're going to take everybody to audio drama school and teach everyone how to do what we do.

And then, God willing and the crick don't rise, maybe a live event or two.

Hell, we might even put out a comic book.

But we'll have a lot more on that much later.

For now, we just want to say thank you so much for listening.

Making this show has been the adventure of a lifetime.

And we're so glad that all of you have been here for it.

So let's hear from them one more time in season four.

The few, the proud, Bert Bert's Army.

Our Monte Cristo level and above supporters.

Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, Second Bethany, Society of Bethany's, Bethany Power, Lady Bethany, aka Mrs.

Turkey Spit, Byro the motherfucking dragon with his horde of Bethanies, a non-binary thylacine named Bethany, three geese in a trench coat, all named Bethany, definitely not causing mischief in the ongoing Bethany War.

Gathering of Bethany's drink from the water hole.

Bethany rides the big moose into battle.

Bethany II, Electric Boogaloo, Bailey, Bethany Burr.

Alexandre Leroque has brought La Guillotine to assist the Bethanies in their survival war.

Vive la Révolution.

Corvina the only real Bethany.

Anomalous Bethany.

Upschnart the probability demolition expert will now perform his new spoken word jazz opera, a baffling biography on the brilliant battles of bold and belligerent Bethany's.

2 Polar Cat has received word of a Bethany war and would like to offer the aid of the Space Cat Army.

Green Mountain Hermit wants that NB Bethany stew recipe.

The shapeshifting sad girl says, Bethany, you've done it again.

Dances with the Bethany's, or Bethany's with burritos, if you prefer.

Bethany's battled boldly, breaching barriers between bizarre biomes, birthing bloodshed beyond belief, buckshot drake's true foes.

Cowboy and Sasquatch hunts Bethany's.

My hot wife Bethany calls this show Space Burger all the time.

Coco Yumi doesn't know why the Bethany's started the war, but asks if anyone needs a drink or a snack.

Oh, Bethany, where art thou?

Reesey Pontiff can fit infinity TARDISES Inside her Bethany's.

Eris, Goddess of Bethanies.

Rednell hiding in a crowd of Bethanies to avoid capture by Wily Wilbur Winklewright, Wristwatch Wrangler of West Worcestershire.

Wilbur Winklewright, Wristwatch Wrangler of West Worcestershire, bamboozled by the bajillions of bustling Bethany's Bethanies, belligerently blocking his sight of the devious Rednell.

The Julius Bohannon Foundation, the coalition of patrons named Bethany, and contributions to your TED station from viewers like you.

Mr.

Squizzle Sizzle Wizzle Fizzle, the horrendous, secret co-conspirator co-conspirator behind the long-ongoing Bethany War.

Banjo Bethany has risen a flag, not one of surrender or war, but of friendship.

This war has gone on long enough.

I pushed her.

Bethany, that is.

Big bag bussing out the Bethany Bantaiga.

Bubblebutt Bethany has banana breath.

Local marsh hag fears the Bethany Society has grown too powerful and can't make enough stew to stop the Bethanic plague.

It's Nora's B-Day, and all she wants is a big bowl of Bethany stew.

Hold it now.

Hold it now.

Hold it now.

Hold it now.

Bethany.

Lost a bet that episode 42 would be called the restaurant at the end of the universe.

Joe, I'm running out of joke patron names, but I want you to know that you've created an amazing community here.

No, no, it's like if the guardians of the galaxy worked in a diner.

Heather Smith, Breelzebub, Bronson458, Karen Scott, Jessa Lawren, Telltale Raven, Myth and Stitch Embroidery, Loves the Mucklewains, Lulu Louise, Dulio, Scott W.

Brousseau, Bianca, Toy Boat, Toy Boat, Toy Boat, Toy Boat, Toy Boat, Burt Ruba, Jeffree George, Exquisite Whimsy, Don't Tariff Me, Bro.

Oopsie, Elab, The Wizard Mooses, Grimlore, Jenny Waboom, Aberly Orr, M.

Horowitz, Isle of Refuge, Cappy, Tyler Edwards, LlamaFresh, Jare the Benevolent Destroyer, and Jenny the Crypted Paladin, Valtiel Heller, Revan the Red Beard Wizard, Bert Bert and the Funky Bunch, Garora the 12th, A Bug on a Popsicle, Shh.

Just listen.

Damien Fletterjohn, ZomCon, Welcome to Quan Pound, Pen Pen, Pen, Pen, Pen, Pen, Pen.

Mr.

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Your Anglophone Emotional Support Canadian request will be processed in the order in which it was received.

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Hit it!

Oh no, you actually hit it.

You've incurred the wrath of the Society of Bethanies.

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I love how much laughing happens when I leave.

That's always encouraging.

Just keeping the ball in the air, baby.

And you know, we're going to have Brody in a bit of season five as well.

So hopefully, we can

make this.

Yeah.

I'll make sure I'm wash my blankets before that.

Oh, yeah.

Wash them blanket.

Mayonnaise, lots of mayonnaise.

We will now do a Susie pause.

Just mayonnaise.

Just a wall of Hellmans.

A wall of Hellmans.

The great wall of Hellmans.

Just looks like that upper shelf that is Jimmy John's.

I just imagine him smiling so big.

Just looking around, like, I got this.

I'm in my element.

Thank you.

Thank you for doing the pitch.

And Finley, thank you for surprising us with your presence here.

Sorry that it startled me.

So I was like, why is Finley here?

Just rock.

Just rock.

Okay.

It's the effect I have on everyone, including my mother.

So it's fun.

I really thought Fiona was going to die.

This is so cool.

You thought she was going to die?

Yeah.

Wow.

Because last episode, I say something, something, and then Tina says that kind of thinking will get you killed.

And then I go, I know.

And I thought that was Chekhov's, I know.

No, that was just mine.

Yeah.

Done, you guys ever ever ask what's going to happen to you.

Huh?

I'm a little afraid to.

I know.

Because I feel like, I don't know, I feel like Labuza is somewhat of a tragic character, and I feel like she's heading towards some sort of tragic end, but I don't know if I want to know.

I feel like everybody's always treating me like I'm George R.R.

Martin.

Wow.

Wow.

Justice for Betty.

Who

called Betty and Malu?

Yeah, Malu.

Just as look at the anxiety that you're that you're um instilling in your actor, even older Laif.

Okay, so out of like a whole bunch of characters, like three of them, John Wilkes Booth, we're gonna take

them.

That's okay, because the horse Minsky:

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