Chapter 37: The Paradise

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Previously on Midnight Burger, time for a good old-fashioned showdown with the feds.

What does that sound?

No?

We're not doing that.

We're just gonna.

The river?

Really?

Okay, well.

What else is going on?

How's David handling the crazy cuckoo banana pants levels?

So

David left, huh?

Oh, he just.

He just left?

We're just...

We're just letting people leave now.

That's the thing we do.

Okay.

Oh, look, he met a friend.

Fucking bullshit.

That's right.

David has an encounter with new fan favorite Christina the teleporting lawyer.

Holy shit, I'm on the balcony.

God damn.

Wherein he realizes that helping people out with their weird science problems may be the family business.

So what now?

Shit.

What?

I need you to give me a ride.

With the gang back together in Pasadena, everything's going to be fine as long as another moon doesn't appear in the sky.

Oh, shit.

There's two moons.

Damn, should have seen that coming.

Well, how are they going to get out of this one?

It's not as though some Deus ex Machina is going to come out of nowhere and save them.

The only way I can describe it is.

We do what we want.

Let's start the shift.

There she is.

Wow,

look at this place.

That is several hundred square feet of beaded aluminized vinyl.

It's not a silver screen,

but those can get a little glossy, in my opinion.

It's a matte gray finish, not ideal for some films, but really gives a nice contrast for black and white movies.

It's beautiful.

When I first walked in, I said, they don't make them like this anymore.

Didn't know how right I was.

Start at the beginning.

All right, then.

Act one: Establishing Shot.

Knoxville, Tennessee, 1981.

We see a young man named Jeremiah Franco, 23.

Rakish good looks, if you don't mind my saying.

Jeremiah is on his way to work with a smile on his face.

He is clean.

He is put together.

He is smiling.

We see on his shirt he wears a name tag.

Noah and Katie's grocery and supply.

General Manager.

He looks far too young to be holding such an important position.

Are you going to do this whole story like this?

Apologies.

Old habit.

The young man is me.

I had decided to skip college.

I was a terrible student, and my parents had no intention of throwing good money after bad.

So, it was off to the workforce for me.

The go-go 80s had just begun, and I'm ashamed to admit I was a bit of a true believer.

Work hard, climb the ladder, get ahead.

For some reason, I was applying all of that to working at a small independent grocery store in Knoxville and within just a few short years I was the general manager.

The titular Noah and Katie had retired, said enough to Tennessee, moved down to Florida, and started a weekly newspaper called The Gabber.

Helping Protect Democracy in Florida.

How's that going, by the way?

Don't ask.

So there I was.

I was 23 years old and I was the king of my little corner of the world.

Up next,

find a nice lady.

Have some nice kids.

Have a nice life.

And then...

One night, I had just closed up shop and there was a knock on the glass.

Two young men, younger than me, even.

One of them carried a portable movie projector.

I thought it was a bit odd, but I unlocked the door and asked if I could help.

Casey Howe and Brian Barletta were their names.

They said they were making a movie.

They had already shot half of it, and they had decided to go door-to-door to local businesses looking for investors to finish the rest of it.

I was very confused.

Movies?

In Knoxville?

That's not where people make movies.

That happens in Hollywood.

But these two young men had taken a few classes at Vanderbilt, and they had decided, hell with it, they were going to make a movie.

I should have turned them away, but I had to see it.

So I invited them inside, and we set up in the cereal aisle.

They projected what they had shot on all those white cereal boxes.

I'll never forget that.

Those ghostly images dancing across the boxes of corn flakes.

It was a terrible movie.

It was about an entire inlet on Puget Sound that had been possessed by an evil spirit.

Lucid Harbor, they called it.

It was 47 minutes of footage, and I was a changed man by the end of it.

They had made something.

They had just decided to make something, and then there it was.

They left the store that night with every penny in my bank account.

They didn't know anyone in town.

They were shooting nearby in La Follette, trying to make Norris Lake look like Puget Sound.

And they were going door to door.

But guess who knew everyone in town?

In a few weeks, we had all the money they needed.

Another month of principal photography, and then it was done.

We had made a movie.

We took it to a horror film festival in Chicago that spring.

We screened it in front of a crowd of 163 people.

They hated it so much.

By far the worst thing in the festival that year.

But I watched the crowd watch the the movie.

They would laugh to each other.

They would yell at the screen, throw popcorn.

When the lights came up, nobody in that theater was a stranger.

They had all had an experience together.

It was like they all knew each other.

By that time, the next day, we were already working on the next one.

And that was the next two decades of my life.

I produced 53 films altogether.

All of them outside the Hollywood system.

All of them delightfully bad.

Miss Nixie the Space Princess, Shadow Rapture, Mr.

Me, Myself, and I,

The Madness of Dr.

Dr.

B,

and of course, my personal Lawrence of Arabia, Killer Zamboni.

They all sound amazing.

There's a right way to do a bad movie.

It's an art in and of itself.

And then?

And then?

The internet had just begun its slouch towards Bethlehem at the end of the 90s.

The world was changing, and I began to feel like a bit of a dinosaur.

Kids in film school started having more production power on their desktop than I had in a whole warehouse.

The world was demanding that I change with the times and after a few years of giving it a try, very respectfully, I said no.

The future was not for me and I was ready to just let it go.

Watch it sail off into the distance.

And then suddenly...

And then suddenly.

I thought I had spent so much time with with my head buried in work that I just never bothered to notice this place in my neighborhood.

But I turned the corner one day, and there was,

somehow, a mid-century single-screen movie theater.

Out of idle curiosity, I walked in,

and I imagine you know the rest.

And when did the rest of your people come along?

You know how time works here.

I really have no idea.

But eventually, I was on some planet somewhere and along came Leaf.

He was looking for a new life, as I'm sure yours was too.

He didn't know anything about being a projectionist, but you know how he is with machines.

He became handy very quickly.

He does that.

And then along came Marguerite and PJ.

Now I had an engineer who could make anything and an astrophysicist who was actually starting to make sense of the place, which I never thought would happen.

Others will join us for a while, but this is the core group.

And it's a good group.

We've been through a lot together.

Us too.

And credits.

That's my story.

How about you?

Well,

it all started in the middle of a pandemic that had paralyzed the world.

A woman named Gloria locked the doors on her takeria for the last time and wondered where life would take her next.

Ha.

Nice opening.

No, that's not right.

What are you talking about?

That's not right.

We're eating popcorn right now.

Meaning, well, what is cooking?

Something someone brings to me.

It's deliberate cellular degradation.

You degrade the cellular integrity for greater nutritional absorption in your body.

If it was mel entropy, you couldn't cook food.

Huh.

So that shifting point of null entropy you found back then, it's a shifting point of something, but there's all kinds of entropy going on.

Casper is 173 years old.

Right, stuff like that is happening.

Trust me.

The gray hair had been creeping in for years and it has stopped dead in its tracks.

I'm not getting any older, which is amazing because look at me.

I'm in my prime.

And to think, I would know all this if I had cooked literally one time in my life.

You're such a boon for the Thai food industry, though.

Hey there, hi.

It's gotta be conditional, right?

With the condition being what?

Consciousness.

Ava, you remember PJ, right?

Hi, Ava.

Polly Jean, wife of the D.

Oh, God.

PJ, I've heard of stepping out on your husband, but you're the first to step out of space and time on your husband.

It's commendable.

Did it have to be the first thing you brought up, Ava?

So, guys,

what the fuck?

What happened?

What are you doing here?

Okay.

Well, when we last left our heroine, she had been fired from her lofty university position because she was caught boinking the dean's wife.

Please, don't say boinking.

Sorry.

For making passionate and meaningful love to the dean's wife.

Thank you.

So I dumped all of my research off on you, and suddenly it was just Polly and me.

I had been in a crisis for several years about what to do with my life.

Being married to such a tremendous mediocrity will do that to you.

But Marguerite was a little new to having a life crisis, so it was an adjustment period.

I mean,

there's plenty to do at first, right, honey?

High-five.

No.

No.

But seriously, what do you do when you're kicked out of the magical kingdom?

I'm sure I could have gotten some random adjunct position in some little corner of nowhere, but I couldn't imagine stepping up to the chalkboard again.

Get this.

I even considered becoming a chemist.

The horror.

I know.

Lab coat?

Goggles.

My husband got all our friends in the divorce, and the only person she ever talked to at Cornell was you.

So it was just us.

We were really starting from scratch.

But I was very happy.

I was too.

But we needed to

leave the house at some point.

Yes.

Yes.

So we developed a grand plan.

Let's go see a movie.

Yes, and here we are now.

The odds of you and I seeing each other again this way is a little concerning to me.

Right?

But then, if you factor in infinity, then there are infinite Marguerites and infinite Avas, so it's not that huge of a coincidence.

Because we've met again, but.

We're not.

from the same universe.

Right.

But here's something.

I think we're neighbors.

What do you mean?

Baby, you came up with a fun name for this.

What was it?

Smurfette's Closet.

Right.

What?

Remember Smurfette from the Smurfs?

No.

You don't remember the Smurfs.

What were you doing when you were nine years old?

Graduating from high school?

Well,

in the Smurf village, Smurfette was the only girl Smurf.

Everyone else was a boy.

Nightmare.

And sometimes she would walk into her little toadstool house and open her closet, and she had the same dress over and over again.

So the dresses looked identical, but if you looked really close.

They would all have microscopic differences.

Right.

The number of universes seemingly identical to each other are seemingly infinite.

In some universes, the only difference is a tree in Macon, Georgia being on the other side of the street.

Changes in these universes don't have to be extreme.

Your mom was a nightclub singer, right?

Right.

And you still didn't know your dad.

Yes.

And you still write in that stupid Dutch shorthand.

I do.

Right.

All that's the same, even though we're highly likely from different universes.

Oh, and the more similar the universe, the closer they are to each other.

I think.

You always described it like a string of pearls.

stretching out to infinity, but do you remember the time I came into your office with all that CMB data?

You were always coming into my office with CMB data.

Right, but you were wearing your hair up and you never do that.

And I was like, are you wearing your hair up?

And you said, shut up, and took it down.

Um, babe, I'm going to go check on everyone in the theater.

Okay, baby.

I love you so much.

Love you.

Where was I?

The bruise.

Yes.

Yeah.

I said, look at this CMB data.

What are these inconsistencies?

I called it a bruise on the universe.

And you had a theory about it.

That it was another universe rubbing up against us.

Right, like a watermelon that grows with only one side facing the sun.

The underside is white and not as strong.

There are bruises in the cosmic microwave background where our universe touches another.

So rather than a string of pearls, it's more like a DNA helix with each universe riffing on the previous one.

But that implies a beginning and an ending, and the infinite doesn't do that.

And this is what always happens.

We pick up a thread, we follow it to its ultimate conclusion, and we end up face to face with who?

Gottfried Wilhelm Goddamn Leibniz again.

I've been thinking about him a lot lately.

I know you have, my little closet philosopher.

Ava,

you and I know more than any physicist in history.

The nature and journey of the universe, check.

Multiverse theory, check.

We're running out of ways to ask what is a universe, which means eventually we have to face the next question: not what is existence, but

why is this

existence?

Why is there something instead of nothing?

This is why I hate principles.

They can't be proven.

Every time Leif brings up the principle of fecundity, I throw things at him.

There is no way to confirm PSR.

Not for all the other apes out there, but for you?

For me?

For all the other infinite Avas and Marguerites taking a ride on time-traveling dimension-spanning diners and movie theaters.

It's in our reach, Ava.

Not just a theory of everything,

the meaning of everything.

What have you got to drink around here?

Come back to our room.

I've got this stuff from Australia.

Wasabi Lube Moonshine.

You're going to love it.

Okay,

this is where the magic happens, right?

This is the projection room, obviously, but as you can see, I've got about nine projects running right now.

You're making a toaster?

I'm calling it the reset toaster.

It heals burnt toast.

It does?

Theoretically.

You have a robot frog?

Oh, yeah.

Trash frog.

You know how you land on a planet and you want to do some scavenging?

This guy jumps into a pile of garbage and sniffs out rare metals.

That's a great idea.

I've been thinking about bringing the drones back.

Have you got drones?

Oh yeah.

Definitely get some.

Super useful.

I've got flachettes on mine.

Nice.

What is this beauty?

Oh yeah.

That was here when I got here.

It's a Brankert Enarch.

It's only 35 millimeter, but it's a beast.

Cast iron, lights up the film using an arc of electricity instead of a bulb.

I thought about making some modifications, but it's too perfect.

It's too perfect, yeah.

So this is crazy.

First time?

What do you mean?

I've been visited by a few versions of myself.

You're the third.

Whoa.

How was that?

Confusing.

How about this time?

Still confusing.

That's fair.

Where were you when you hopped on board?

Binbar.

Binbar, Jesus!

That's the Outer Triangulum!

What were you doing there?

You know what I was doing there.

I was on the run.

On the run?

From who?

From who?

Everyone.

What do you mean?

After I bugged out on Loaf Tracks, I was hunted by basically everyone.

The Teds were trying to find me, then any criminal in the triad was after me.

I had to go pretty deep.

You left Loaf Tracks?

Yeah.

You didn't?

Fuck no!

I'm not trying to get killed!

When did you show up here?

It was right after what happened on Axel.

Axel.

I don't know how it was for you, but I took it pretty hard.

I remember.

There were a lot of people on that moon.

Anyway.

Afterwards, I was taking it kind of hard, and Minsky sent me to Niso for a while.

And after a few days of losing my mind in paradise, I turned the corner and

here was this place.

I was confused at first.

What's an American movie theater doing on Niso?

I was feeling a little nostalgic, so I went inside.

I watched this old Burt Lancaster movie called Elmer Gantry.

Then I stayed for the second showing.

Jeremiah and I started talking, and

long story short, I ended up staying on.

I'm guessing it wasn't the same for you.

No.

You stayed on after Axel?

Like you said, I wasn't trying to get killed.

How long did you stay with Loaf Trax?

Too long.

Long enough to where getting killed didn't matter anymore.

Where did you go?

Quillandis.

The Justine Burbank system?

Figured the best place to hide out was a system that even pirates were scared of.

It worked for a while.

But eventually I got burned and I had to bug out.

I was hiding on a Truscan ice hauler trying to find my next move.

Disguised myself as a cook.

We were stopped at Binbar Station and

that's when I saw the diner.

Better late than never, I guess.

Yeah.

It was rough though.

I sure could have used a place like this after Axel.

Well, hey,

maybe this will cheer you up.

Come in here.

Holy shit.

This is the film library.

Rows and rows of it.

How many do you have?

Well, I've got it organized by genre, but get this.

It changes over time.

Movies show up for a while, then they're gone.

I haven't heard of half of these.

The Prometheus Crisis?

At first, I thought they were just B-movie crap that nobody saw, but check it out.

The freak.

Check out the director.

Charlie Chaplin?

On my earth, Chaplin tried for years to make this movie, but it never happened.

But here it is.

The movies that show up here are from different realities where they actually got made.

I've got Jodorowski's Dune, Arnovsky's Batman, a sequel to Pink Flamingos.

Look at this one.

The Matrix, starring Will Smith.

Do you have the Eric Stoltz Back to the Future in here?

We did for a while.

It's as bad as you think.

Anything like this happened at your place?

Uh

Yeah, the walk-in.

The food regenerates and changes over time?

Or at least it did.

It did?

About eight months ago, we were attacked by something.

The diner hasn't worked since.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Any idea what it was?

I think it was a who, not a what.

Seriously?

Who has that kind of power?

I don't know.

I'm getting the sense that things are a little heavier on your side of the street.

We've been through some shit, that's for sure.

Well, obviously that's why we're here, right?

To get you out of the mud.

I've been trying for months.

I've got nothing.

I know.

But hey, there's two of you now.

Name for me a problem that can't be fixed by two of us.

Yeah.

Look, it's not lost on me.

You've been stuck on Earth.

The thought of that makes my skin crawl.

If I were you, I would have become a cyber terrorist months ago.

You've showed amazing restraint.

Maybe not as much as I should have.

Regardless, I'm here now, and we've got Marguerite and that other lady.

We're going to get you out of here.

Okay.

Okay.

Jeremiah wants everyone to watch a movie together.

That's his whole thing.

There are no strangers after the credits roll.

Whatever.

Let's fire up a movie for everyone, and you and I can get to work.

It's good to see you, Leif.

You too, man.

I'm sitting down here waiting for a movie to start.

Y'all want to get to it?

We're working on it.

Steve,

I humbly request a film with cowboys or pirates.

Fine.

Unless a pirate film would hit a bit too close to home.

I would understand.

I see the pirate jokes have increased precipitously.

That's an awfully big word for a pirate.

Ha ha.

What's the deal with the radio?

Absolutely no idea.

Okay, I've got popcorn.

Casper,

I am expecting you to be a gentleman and to not eat that popcorn until I've got mine.

Febulon!

I am popping at the corn, dear.

I feel like we can start eating this popcorn anytime we want.

There's no popcorn rules.

No, I don't see that written anywhere in the etiquette books.

Such a poor role model for your child.

Do you know that, Casper?

Effie, I'm afraid that ship sailed long ago.

Febulon!

Dear!

No amount of urgency will cause a cord to pump faster.

So.

So.

So a movie theater has appeared.

Yes.

I thought...

We had a whole conversation where you told me everything.

This is new to me.

I have no idea what's happening.

I mean, Ava had theorized in the past that there were other diners and other versions of ourselves out there, but we always assumed it was other diners like ours.

This?

This is new.

I guess there's no reason it has to be a diner.

Uh-huh.

So there's the issue of the world ending outside.

Yes.

But we're going to watch a movie.

See, it's at this point in the process that the smart people are talking.

When the smart people are done talking, there's usually a list of action items, and that's usually when we come in.

Okay,

time-traveling dimension spanning movie theater now.

Yes.

It's a little comforting to know that the inner workings of the universe are this ridiculous.

Right?

Hi there.

Hi.

We didn't get a chance to meet outside.

I'm Polly.

Hi there, Polly.

I'm Casper.

This is David, and that's Effie and Zebulon Mucklewing.

Salutations, Polly.

My husband would introduce himself, but he is currently vexed by the popping of corn.

It is almost ready.

What's the deal with the radio?

You guys don't have something that talks to you around here?

We don't.

Long story short, there are a couple of radio evangelists from the 1920s and they somehow live inside that radio.

Weird.

Yeah.

You'd think after 173 years it would stop being weird, but nope.

Still weird.

What's your weird thing?

Do y'all have a weird

thing?

Um.

Well, it's no talking radio, but do you hear that music overhead?

Yeah, what is that?

We have no idea.

It's always playing and seems to change with your mood.

We have no idea where it comes from.

Nice.

Have a seat.

Thanks.

So we're really going to watch a movie right now?

I know.

It's weird.

It's Jeremiah's whole thing.

Someone comes in the door, tells their story, and we watch a movie.

Interesting.

Unless they're trying to kill us.

and then leaf usually handles that right same area it was so weird to see two of him first time polly let me ask you something do you all live here all the time we do so y'all subsist entirely on popcorn hot dogs candy and nachos david if you couldn't die wouldn't you subsist entirely on popcorn hot dogs candy and nachos An excellent point.

Hey, team.

Hey, where have you been?

I was getting the grand tour.

How is it?

It's nice.

This place used to be a live theater, I guess, so there's dressing rooms.

Everyone has their own room.

Oh, man, that's amazing.

Are the smart people done talking?

No, uh, Ava's backstage, somewhere with Marguerite, and the Council of Leafs is up in the projection booth.

They better come back with something amazing.

I hear you.

Make way!

Hey, watch the popcorn.

I've got junior mints.

He wants junior mints.

Where were you?

I was at the party backstage.

What are all you nerds doing out here?

Hey, baby.

Hi.

Are you eating junior mints because you are trying to hide the booze on your breath?

No, I'm eating junior mints because of how hard I'm going to make out with you during this movie.

Okay, everyone.

Hello, hello.

Well, this is really something, isn't it?

How are we doing up in the booth?

Ready to go?

Now,

I'm sure you can imagine we've hosted some pretty interesting characters in the theater over the years.

A Viking wanderer named Arwen the Freer.

A retired monster hunter named Lolly.

a young man named Talon Lawson who had just begun his career at a promising new company called Enron.

We didn't have the heart to tell him.

But this?

This is something new.

There's nothing all that special about any of us.

Speak for yourself.

Chop liver over here.

All right, all right.

There's nothing all that special about me.

But I had begun to think of myself as singular.

No one out there knows what I know, has seen the things that I've seen.

But now look,

turns out we have neighbors.

And like good neighbors, we're going to help them out in their time of need.

But first,

first we do a thing that's a bit of a tradition here at the paradise.

We watch a movie.

We all get together under one roof and have an experience.

I hear tell that the world is coming to an end outside, but it's not the first time we've rolled up on a world on the brink of destruction, and it won't be the last.

We'll need to work as a team, and teams need common experiences to bind them together.

However, I do know that time is of the essence, so I've picked something nice and short.

There was a request from our quite odd friends in the radio for a cowboy film.

So I'll take you all back to the B-Movie Westerns of the 1930s when movies had the gall to clock in at about 55 minutes.

Those were the days.

Truly a special day here at the Paradise.

And so, without further ado, the man from Utah, starring John Wayne and Yakima Canut.

Okay,

here it is.

Nice.

I always wanted to live on the roof.

As you can see, I've got all kinds of shit up here.

Blanket emitters, a command center.

I can do CMB scans, wave detection, etc.

But none of it's been any use because I can't fix something when I don't know what it is or how it works.

It's got to be something, right?

I've been up here for months racking my brain.

Ava 2.

And you're sure it was an attack?

It wasn't a phenomenon?

I think someone tried to sideline us.

Why?

Do you remember a group back in the day called the Sisters?

The Sisters.

Doesn't ring a bell.

They weren't a crime ring.

They were freedom fighters, I guess.

When was this?

Back in our pirate days.

No.

But I mean, if it was back in our pirate days.

We were pretty drunk the whole time.

Yeah.

Also, there's always some kind of TED resistance group out there, and they always get squished.

I usually didn't pay any attention to that.

Right.

This has something to do with them?

They were trying to contact us.

They're old friends of Casper's.

Right when they make contact, boom, we get hit.

Okay.

Maybe it's related, but

if someone has the technology to sideline a place like this,

some rebels from the triad aren't going to be playing on their level.

They'd be small potatoes.

I guess.

You have no idea who could have done this.

No.

But there was this one run-in that Casper and these sisters had.

They were constantly dodging the Teds, but there was this one encounter towards the end.

Guns didn't work on them, grenades didn't work.

I think they may have had temporal weapons.

Time displacement?

Yeah.

They shot a grenade out of the sky and it

just vanished like it was never there.

Not all that different from what happened to this diner.

I'm wondering if they're related.

It might have something to do with the egg.

Cryptesia?

Yeah, that's bad.

I know.

There be dragons, man.

I know.

But if the dragon is attacking you, the warnings don't mean much.

Cryptesia.

Yeah.

So you were in a world of shit when we showed up just now.

In a lot of ways, yes.

Alright.

Well, let's see what we can do.

Oh shit, mongo!

Yeah,

it showed up when everything was just kicking off, so we've got a random mongo here now.

I love those things.

Who doesn't love a huge plant eater?

Unless they get injured, then they're terrifying.

We'll have to hope for the best on that one.

How about I fire up the command center?

Show you what I've got so far.

Sounds good.

So,

you've seen our girl lately,

Burbert?

Yeah.

Uh

last I saw her, she had just won a war against the Tet.

Oh, yeah.

Empress Burtbert.

That's a good one.

How many times have you run into her?

Oh, tons of times.

There's Empress Burtbert.

I'm quitting journalism, Burp.

I'm quitting journalism again, Burtbert.

Recently divorced Burtbert can get pretty weird.

How about you?

Just that one.

Oh.

Wow.

Well,

get ready.

You never really know what you're getting when you see her.

Always nice, though, you know?

It can get so complicated out here, but seeing her always makes it feel simple somehow.

You know what?

Maybe that's what we need.

A little simplicity.

What do you mean?

Look at you, man.

You're knee-deep in like nine things right now.

The sisters, the mystery assailant, this earth is going off the rails, you're grounded.

What if we just pretend the problem is simple?

How?

Let's just call it a Cadillac, right?

A Cadillac.

If this diner was a Cadillac,

it could only be so many things: transmission, alternator, carburetor.

Maybe it's one of those.

This thing doesn't have a transmission.

But what's the equivalent of a transmission for a time-traveling dimension-spanning diner?

I don't know.

Me neither.

Let's find out.

office after we get that.

I might have enough to you.

Thank you.

I'm having a hard time following this movie, dear.

What the heck is happening?

Well,

this man here is John Weston.

He's a bit of a saddle tramp.

And while he was blowing through town, he foiled a bank robbery.

Yes, I gathered that part.

The local sheriff has now deputized him to infiltrate a local rodeo that's up to no good.

I see.

Also, there appears to be some strange occurrences of the rodeo entrance dying of rattlesnake bites.

Now, I suspect foul play.

Oh, he just jumped right up on that horse, didn't he?

That's Yakima Canut.

He did all the stunts for this one.

He'd go on to lay the groundwork for Hollywood stuntmen for years to come.

He'd teach them how to leap on horses, how to fall downstairs.

These are the tallest hats I have ever seen in my life.

It's like a meeting of Western-style popes.

This is not a good movie.

Oh, no.

It begins with John Wayne singing on a horse.

Of course it's not a good movie.

Why are we watching it?

Jeremiah has an attachment to it.

See that guy in the back there?

He's holding the lasso.

Yeah.

A while back, a guy comes in.

He's a down-on-his-luck ranch hand.

He says that when he was a young man, he was asked to be a background player in a movie, but he never had a chance to see it.

We, of course, had it in stock, and so we showed it to him.

There he is.

Bobby Ray Windlan Jr.

He felt like he existed a little bit more after seeing it.

Speaking of things existing, the world is ending outside.

Yeah.

What are we gonna do about it?

I have a radical idea.

Ooh, let's hear it.

So you seem like the odd one out in this group.

I'm glad it shows.

Oh, I did not mean that in a bad way.

I'm not a movie buff or a science person.

So, yes, I guess I am the odd one out.

How do you get wrapped up in all this?

Well, Marguerite was a professor at Cornell, and I

was there

to.

What did you teach?

Oh, I wasn't a professor.

Okay.

I was the wife of the dean.

Oh, my.

Yes.

Scandalous.

It really was.

I'm not really prone to scandal.

I get that.

I didn't realize it at the time, but apparently I kept inviting her to parties and functions without knowing I was doing it.

That's how I apparently

put the vibe out there.

Yeah, you did.

After successfully putting the vibe out there, it was suddenly like I was being hunted by some sort of forest predator.

To hear her tell it, I pursued her relentlessly, but I don't think I've ever pursued something relentlessly in my life.

It's always the quiet ones.

Yes.

Apparently, my assortment of cardigan sweaters really brings all the girls to the yard.

I have two lesbian grandmothers.

You have no idea how true that statement is.

Well,

that was really something, wasn't it?

It was something.

When the lights went out at the saloon and the bandits all tried to jump him, but then the lights came up and it turns out he had left the room already, they were just giving themselves a beating, weren't they?

Yes.

They were, dear.

All right, everyone.

I realize that that one's not going into the Library of Congress or anything, but it could be much worse.

Could it?

I like films like this, though.

They were made a long time ago, before anyone knew how to make a film.

None of them had gone to film school, and I think it's clear that John Wayne is not a graduate of the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts.

They were making it up as they went along.

And here comes the teachable moment.

Not unlike all of us.

I think that both of our groups will admit that there's not a manual for the things we do.

But that doesn't mean it's not important.

All we may have are our instincts, like the merry band that made this film.

So with that,

Gloria?

It's really great to meet you all.

I'm sure you can see we're in a bit of a jam outside,

but between all of us, I know that we can do something to at least fix it a little bit.

So if you wouldn't mind, I'd like us all to head outside and try to make sense of the mess we're in.

We have an idea, actually.

That's great.

Let's go.

What's your idea?

You'll see.

Why can't you just tell me?

You don't get special treatment.

Is special treatment available?

Where's the list of available services?

Available services?

I have no available services.

What are your available services?

Uh, bringing you sandwiches, bringing you coffee, bringing you pencils.

Where do you think your notebooks come from?

These are all privileges that I've afforded you.

Oh, I see.

So I should tell myself lucky.

You do.

David, can you get the radio?

Yep.

What's going on there?

Where?

There.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

Don't be ridiculous.

Jesus Christ, lady.

Hey, guys.

Leaf.

I see you got started early.

Thought we talked about this.

Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

Check it out!

Is that a mongo?

What's it doing here?

Why do you have a mungo in downtown?

Where are we?

Pasadena.

Oh, really?

Yes.

Memory Lane.

Uh-huh.

Have you run into Chad?

Do not speak his name.

Gloria, can you give us a rundown of what's going on?

It's two problems.

One, our diner has been out of commission for eight months now.

Because of this, this entire universe has gone haywire because of what, Ava?

An antimatter imbalance.

Just going from Pasadena to Hollywood, I saw a marching band appear out of nowhere.

A talking goat, a stampede of zebras, a 30-second blizzard, a World War I dogfight, Gregorian monks,

and a teleporting lawyer.

Talking goat, you didn't tell me about a talking goat.

It was on TikTok.

What, what?

We thought we were going to be able to weather the storm, but then if you look up, you'll see it.

Huh.

What am I supposed to be seeing?

Wait.

Where did it go?

Before we began the cowboy film, there were two moons in the sky.

Two moons?

That's when we figured we were doomed.

Now I just see one moon.

Maybe the other one said.

Ava?

You know, I usually have to sit here and be right all by myself.

It's so nice to share it with you.

It is nice.

Ava, surprise!

Okay, you can't just say surprise.

It's fixed.

What is the universe?

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

There's a big-ass mungo five blocks away, Ava.

I know.

Do you want to see the alerts on my phone?

There's crazy shit still happening all over town.

Correct, which is why we now unveil our new theory.

The scratch and dent theory.

Imagine the universe is a car.

not a nice car, just a car that gets you from place to place.

Like Ava's old Audi stick shift.

What was it called?

She was called Emily Duchatelet, and I miss her every day.

It was a piece of crap, but it got the job done.

How dare you?

You guys having a slumber party or something?

One brake light was missing.

There were dents in the fender, and it always pulled to the left.

Those were features, not bugs.

Ava only took it into the shop when it broke down or wouldn't start.

So we restarted the universe, but the scratches and dents remain.

Correct.

Scratches and dents like a mungo in downtown Pasadena.

So the headline is,

the world is not ending.

Right.

But paragraph three is, Pasadena just has a mungo now.

Also right.

I had this theory back at the Horizon Motel, but there was no time to confirm it.

We don't need to do anything.

Damn.

We saved the world just by showing up.

That's my kind of gig.

I'm a little disappointed.

I had a theory in the back of my head for blowing up the extra moon.

Nice.

Core exciter?

Yeah.

Let it blow itself up.

I was thinking, spatial distortion right behind the moon.

Suck it out into the asteroid belt.

Ooh.

That sounds fun.

Can you tell me there was a city on the moon?

I mean, a small one.

Maybe fine.

Leaf.

Leaf.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Anyway, crisis number one officially averted.

This is great news, you guys.

You're welcome.

You didn't do anything.

We named the theory.

Names are important.

Have you named anything today?

It seems like you kind of just sat there and then congratulated yourself.

You have no idea how often I feel this way.

One of the key aspects of this universe was suddenly missing, so things started breaking down.

It looks like the paradise came in like a

trans-dimensional substitute teacher and plugged the hole.

Looks like you're going to be okay.

I am.

There's zebras in my neighborhood.

Well, you know.

You can round them up.

I'm sure it'll get back to normal.

Sounds like party time.

Hang on, Leaf.

Believe it or not, saving the universe is not the only thing on our to-do list.

Our friends are still stuck here, and they've been stuck for eight months.

So what we need are some plans of action.

Does anyone in the Brain Trust have some things we can try?

Nothing so far with us.

Nothing here.

Okay.

Well,

you know how I am about these things.

We're here for a reason.

So let's not squander it.

What if we entangled them?

The diner in the paradise?

I'm currently on an entanglement entanglement between dimensions thing.

Ooh, that sounds funky.

Leafs.

What if we entangled the diner and the movie theater?

What would that do?

No idea.

Not enough time.

I'm assuming these guys will be taking off in 12 hours like us.

We'd need to build a lot and make a lot of computations.

Maybe if I still had the ERT processor, but not with what I've got on the roof.

Crap, this is good though.

Keep talking.

Let's get everyone inside.

I'll make everyone some food that's not popcorn.

ERT processor?

Oh, yeah.

It was beautiful.

I had an ERT quantum processor from 800 years in the relative future.

Oh, man.

That sounds beautiful.

Fucking ERTS, man.

Right?

Hey.

Hello.

Wanna come inside and share a milkshake with me?

It's okay.

Go ahead.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Okay.

See, there's the nothing that means nothing and the nothing that means something.

I feel like this is the latter.

Seriously.

Nothing.

I'm fine.

You should go hang out with Ava.

You haven't seen her in a very long time.

Come in with me.

It's really, it's okay.

There's a lot for you to figure out.

You like figuring things out.

This is like Christmas morning for you.

Polly.

I'm so serious.

Nothing bad is happening.

I love you.

Go inside.

I love you too.

Okay.

We're going to share a milkshake later if it kills us.

Okay.

Fine.

I'm going to go get everyone some coffee.

You You coming in?

I'm fine.

I'll keep an eye on things at the theater.

I don't think I have much to contribute in there.

Neither do I.

It's really fine.

Please don't feel the need to include me.

Oh, I'm not trying to include you in all that.

I was hoping we could sit at a booth and talk about people behind their back.

That doesn't sound very nice.

It's only mean if they find out about it, Polly.

Come on, the coffee's good.

Okay.

I would first like to start this meeting by saying that I have allowed you all to sit at my booth with me.

Congratulations.

Who would like to start it off?

I'll go first.

I'm late to this conversation, but I'll start with this.

If places like this diner and places like the paradise are essential functions in any universe,

how could one of them stop working?

That would be like gravity suddenly not working.

A universe is filled with things that don't work out.

Why should this place be any different?

I've observed massive galaxy-sized clouds of hydrogen in multiple universes now.

Those clouds were supposed to turn into galaxies, but for whatever reason, they just didn't.

Something short-circuited somehow.

I just see that as fuel, though.

That's potential energy sitting there.

Is that really a breakdown of universal function?

The cloud of hydrogen is supposed to eventually become something else.

Why does it just sit there in the void while all the other clouds of hydrogen got busy turning into galaxies?

Something broke.

Things break.

But if that cloud of hydrogen sits there, it has no effect on the inner workings of the universe.

It's non-essential.

Your diner failed and the whole system failed.

But the whole system didn't fail.

There's a mungo in Pasadena.

The system failed.

Then you showed up.

Right.

As a response to our inability to function, there was a reaction.

A reaction from another universe.

So what are we talking about?

Are we talking about an inter-universal interdependence?

We've all felt this.

There's a moment when we figure something out and we take a step back to think about how cool we are for figuring something out.

But when we take that step back, we see the lens widening.

We see the picture is bigger than we thought.

The shores of ignorance.

The more we know, the more we need to know.

What do we need to know right now?

We've been looking at all the universes we travel to as having a firewall up between them.

But if we begin to see them as interdependent, as interlaced with each other, then that's the bigger picture.

It's an ecosystem.

But an ecosystem can be one system inside of many systems.

Yes.

System after system getting bigger and bigger.

Planets depending on stars, depending on galaxies, depending on universes.

Now, universes depending on each other.

Do we stop there?

We're now looking at these universes coexisting within a frame.

What's the frame?

What's beyond the frame?

Does every infinite universe exist within something even larger?

Off-topic alert, right?

Let's focus up.

The diner is broken.

How do we fix it?

Do you want to do this or should I?

We can't fix it.

Why?

Because there's nothing to fix.

Look what happened.

The paradise came along and fixed the problem.

And now,

if there's no problem to fix, then there's no diner to fix.

Whatever vast system we exist in fixed itself.

And if it fixed itself, it means that it doesn't need the diner.

Not anymore.

We've been outmoded.

Yes.

Like a public bus from the 70s just

sitting in a yard somewhere.

If the diner could have fixed itself, it would have by now.

The paradise showing up is proof of that.

We're done.

Okay.

How do we break it to them?

I don't know.

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Hello there, welcome to Midnight Ferder.

Here is some coffee.

Gloria is deep in a taco-making frenzy right now.

Should be out any minute, okay?

Cream?

Black is fine.

Okay.

Holler if you need anything.

So that's your dad.

Yes.

But you haven't been traveling with them.

No, this is all new to me.

How's that been?

Well,

how was your relationship with your parents?

It was...

tentative.

I have a lot of friends who don't talk to their parents much because every time they do, their mom or their dad has gone gone down some conspiracy theory, Facebook post, rabbit hole, and they'd rather just think of their parents as the people they were when they were kids, you know?

Sure.

So, in light of that, this was all a pleasant surprise.

Good way of looking at it.

So,

what's up?

What?

What's up?

Oh,

oh.

I see.

You're one of those people who like to

get into it.

Who?

Me?

Come on.

The woman I love more than anything in the world has spent all day hanging out with a woman she has been obsessed with for years.

Obsessed?

Absolutely.

She is brilliant and funny and mean in all the ways she likes, and

the whole thing makes me

feel a little bit small.

Polly Jean,

look at you.

You think you're the consolation prize?

A little bit, yes.

Sort of.

I'm glad we're able to show up and prevent your universe from self-destructing and all that, but there's a part of me that can't wait for this day to be over.

So she's like Ava?

A theoretical physicist?

Astrophysicist.

Did she love it?

Oh yeah.

More than anything.

Hmm.

And then she met you.

Yes.

And she met you, and then there was a choice.

Keep the career she loves or be with you.

Yes.

What did she pick?

I think that's an overly simplistic way of looking at things.

Oh, yes.

The world is complicated.

The world is complicated.

You know, all day I watch that old man bring Ava things.

Sandwiches and coffee and sharpened pencils.

There's a neon sign right above his head telling everyone what's going on.

But you can't talk about it because it's just...

too complicated.

Well, I see that as pretty simple, actually.

Do tell.

I know Ava a little bit.

She basically raised herself, put herself through school, created her own curriculum for all her degrees.

People who grow up like that, completely on their own terms, they end up having a hard time being told what to do.

And they have a very hard time letting other people do things for them

because it implies they can't do it for themselves.

She allows him to bring her things all day.

What your dad doesn't realize is that for Ava, that's the equivalent of wearing a pretty dress and putting on perfume and twirling a parasol.

It's pretty simple.

They just don't know it.

Well, then, it sounds to me like it's a situation that they just think is complicated, but actually, it's quite simple.

Where have I heard that before?

Okay,

that's enough out of you.

Now, I do not mean to besmirch the name of Tennessee.

That's what he always says right before he besmirches the name of Tennessee.

I am simply

proud of the way that Arkansas has done right by preserving our folk traditions and agriculture.

From our pottery to our hooked rugs to our watermelons.

Watermelons?

Nothing like a Cave City watermelon, Gloria.

I'm a bit partial to my state that created some of the greatest songs ever written.

Though nothing sets the nation on fire like a nice hook rug.

I'll have you know I've hooked many a rug that could make a shack look like Versailles.

I'm sure you have.

But I can walk into any joint in the world and hear music made right there in Memphis.

We've played all sorts of music from Tennessee, dear.

Well,

we've got a lot of air time.

Have to fill it with something, don't we?

Please forgive the Appalachian Ozark

aggression, Gloria.

It's been going on for generations.

Patsy, Montana.

Born right there in Hot Springs.

Don't tell me about music.

W.C.

Handy, Alex Chilton, Linda Martell, and three Hank Williamses.

You've got some pretty good knife skills there, Mr.

Producer.

Thank you.

A lot of my life has involved waiting to hear.

You learn to fill the time with whatever you can.

Actors go to the gym.

Producers learn how to cook.

It's nice to be in a kitchen again.

So all you guys have over there is popcorn and hot dogs?

We also have nachos and candy.

We have to get a little creative.

You'd be surprised the number of things you can cook on a hot dog roller.

Ever regret it?

Oh,

the dreaded R word.

No.

No.

No, I don't think I do.

I think back to that moment I first walked in the door of the theater.

Did I have any idea what I was in for?

No, I did not.

It was an abduction in the strictest sense.

But then again, when those two young filmmakers knocked on the door of the grocery store, I suppose that was an abduction as well.

Once I saw them, I really had no choice.

And perhaps that's all life is, a series of abductions, being stolen from one life to the next.

I suppose I could have refused somehow.

But you don't produce movies without knowing you're Joseph Campbell.

The call to Adventure.

When a hero refuses the call to adventure, they make themselves in need of a hero.

I was having none of that.

Just ask your evangelists over there.

All of those prophets and holy men, very few of them chose it.

It happened to them.

That's true enough.

Time and again, a great divinity will reach down from the clouds and call you up to a new life.

First reaction is always

who, me?

Are they talking about me?

Must be another.

But it's not for us to decide.

At times, Effie and myself have felt like a cork in the ocean, haven't we, dear?

But then, the things we've seen,

the places we've been brought to.

It's a mysterious alchemy, that.

But one that needs no arguing with, I find.

Yeah,

I know

what you're thinking.

Is it all over now?

Right?

Yeah,

I guess I am.

We don't have to be brought to other worlds, Gloria.

We can make them for ourselves.

Hey, folks.

What's up?

The smart people are officially done talking.

Okay.

Okay, let's go.

At the very beginning of this universe and any universe we've been to, something happened.

Before even one second had elapsed in this universe, the value of something called the Higgs field changed.

We don't know why it happened or how.

All we know is that when the value of the Higgs field changed, it made everything in this universe possible.

The universe went from a lifeless thing to a boundless explosion of energy.

One day, this universe will return to this lifeless thing.

Luckily, because we showed up when we did, that day is now far off in the future.

Things work and then they don't, and the universe moves on.

And I'm afraid that's what's happened to the diner.

Whatever complicated system we're a part of,

it fixed itself.

And it did so

changed all of us, and I'm grateful for it.

But you can all stop having little meetings behind my back about how you're going to break the news to me.

I'm sorry, Gloria.

It's time to get on with what happens next.

As for me,

I'm staying here.

This place is mine now.

It feels like mine.

And I can't really imagine being somewhere else.

It doesn't travel through the cosmos anymore,

but it's mine, so what happens next is really a question for all of you.

There's plenty of room at the paradise if you'd like to hop aboard.

Your expertise would be greatly appreciated.

You can also stay here if you want.

Hop on a spaceship with Leif.

Hell, go to St.

Kitts or something.

I don't know.

Do whatever it is normal people do.

But it looks like this is our last stop.

So the choice is yours.

And I'm going to go back into the kitchen because our guests have not had a real meal in a long time.

Everybody, inside.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

You could totally come with us, but

I mean...

Not really our style.

I I mean, there's only so many of us out there.

Gotta spread ourselves around.

Exactly.

Is she going to be okay?

Yeah, she'll be fine.

Just another chapter in the book of life, right?

I guess I'm going to have to get used to you being around now.

Oh, yes.

And I've got some catching up to do, so get ready.

Oh, God.

I'm going to be calling you for tech support.

You're going to have to bring your boyfriends to meet me.

There's going to be slideshows of my trip to the Grand Canyon.

Slideshows are are not a thing anymore.

I'm bringing them back, David.

Second thought, maybe hop on that spaceship.

Ow!

What's wrong?

God damn it.

Is it happening again?

Yes, I thought she was done.

I'll get a pencil.

Oh, don't fucking bother.

Kazi!

Kazi, can you hear me?

I can't fucking help you, alright?

You're on your own.

I can't do anything.

Enough already.

What the fuck?

Would you leave me alone?

Please.

I take it he hasn't gotten to the part of the story where he's hearing voices in his head.

Voices?

Just give me a minute, okay?

Voices?

Stop me if you've heard this one before, David.

Three sisters walk into a diner.

Hey there.

Hello.

Brought you tacos.

Thanks.

Rough news about this place, huh?

Yes.

Rough news.

I know this hasn't been what we expected, but thinking back now, I don't know what I would do with myself if we weren't shooting through the cosmos every day.

Yes, I'm sure it's very rough for them.

What's wrong?

Just

ask.

Just get it over with.

What?

The only time you bring me food is when you're going to ask me for something.

That's not true at all.

You're going to ask Ava to come with us, aren't you?

No.

Would you just ask her so I can start getting used to it, please?

Getting used to it.

I'll be fine.

I will.

I just can't stand you talking around it.

Where is this coming from?

Seriously?

Baby, I hadn't seen her in ages.

I didn't know if I was ever going to see her again.

Did you want me to ignore the fact that she showed up?

You're different around her.

She brings out a side of you that I just can't bring out.

I'd like to, but I can't.

And I've been watching it all day,

and now we're gonna have to do that every day.

I wasn't going to ask you.

Don't change the plan now that I'm upset.

I'm not.

I'm sorry that I spent so much of my life being boring.

Okay, I was a boring housewife, and I have no idea why I did it.

I didn't mean to.

And now we're on to this topic.

I just, I just love

that brain of yours so much, and I just

can't.

It's like

I can't get your brain to be interested in me.

My brain?

My brain is all kinds of interested in you.

Not that way.

Not like when Ava's around.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

You know what?

It's like

I'm not even here in this argument.

I'm right here, PJ.

And I'm telling you that I was not going to ask her to come with us.

I know you're thinking about all the work you could do together.

Oh, god damn it.

I love you so much.

And also, I just want to break a plate plate over your head.

Get up.

What?

Get up.

We just sat down.

Get up.

You think I was going to ask Ava to come with us?

That's not what I was going to ask.

Come here.

Where are we going?

Where are we going?

What?

Hello there.

Radio people.

Is anybody home?

Um, yes.

Hello, Laptop.

I would like you to marry us.

You would?

There, okay.

I was going to ask you to marry me.

There are two Baptist ministers in this radio, and I know you have a nostalgia thing because your grandfather was a devout Baptist, and I, like a scientist, did the math.

You're right.

I do only bring you food when I'm going to ask you to do something, but this was the thing: marriage, right?

You're kidding.

I am being so fucking real right now, Polly Jean.

Nuptials.

Boom.

It's happening.

Get ready.

Get ready.

Is this really happening?

Hold up there, y'all.

See?

How this is supposed to unfold is

there is a proposal, then acceptance of said proposal, then we move on to the saying of vows.

Y'all are skipping a step or two.

Fine.

Right.

Okay.

Polly, please,

for the love of God, marry me before I lose my mind.

That's

all right.

That's a bit of an odd one, but it does meet the criteria.

And now, step two.

Is this really happening?

Why do I get the feeling you're doing this as a dare?

It is a dare.

I'm daring you to marry me.

Come on, what are you, chicken?

I'm not a chicken.

You're a chicken.

Now, I'm gonna need a little more poetry, y'all.

Let's really do some work right here.

I'm not expecting anyone to be Baudelaire or nothing, but let's put some sauce on it.

Fine.

You are

every universe.

You are time and space.

I revolve around you

every day.

I live inside you.

I am

with my very

last particle

begging you to marry me.

Please, Polly.

All right, I believe that'll pass mustard.

Now, over to you, ma'am.

Yes.

Oh, my.

Here we go, dear.

Step lively.

Wait, what time of year is it?

Are we doing spring or something?

Spring, dear.

Where have I put my organ collection?

It's under the teapot.

We need a witness.

Jeremiah, get your volunteer butt over here and volunteer yourself.

My goodness, it's really happening.

Dear, I've got summer and winter, but no spring.

Sounds.

I was making revisions.

It's in the study beneath Keisha's catechism.

I have told told you to put the sermons back when you were done with them.

A thousand apologies, dear.

Here we are.

A bit of music.

No, not that one.

Where is it?

Where is it?

Aha.

Where are we having the bachelor party?

Can you do it in 30 seconds?

No, technically, I'm not even divorced yet.

Well, that just makes it hotter.

Here it lays.

Page one.

Let's get a move on.

And I put down the needle.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of God and these witnesses to join these two in holy matrimony.

Marriage is a sacred covenant instituted by God and not to be entered into lightly.

It is a union of two hearts, two minds, and two spirits, bonded together by love and commitment.

The Bible tells us in Ephesians,

husbands, oh, no, now, one moment.

Now, just cross off that part right there and I'll move that part down.

Yes.

Now skip over that business there.

Yes, good.

Onward.

Love each other just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

as you prepare to make your vows to one another remember that your marriage should be built on a foundation of faith trust and mutual respect

as you journey through life together there will be times of joy and times of sorrow times of plenty and times of want

and now

I ask you to join your right hands and declare your intentions to enter into the covenant of marriage.

Do you, Polly Jean, take Marguerite to be your partner in life, to be the boiler of her grit and the juicer of her lemons?

I beg your pardon, just say yes.

Yes.

And do you, Marguerite, swear to be the protector and keeper of her honor, her sword in the darkness, her unbending mast in the storm.

With every fucking fiber of my being.

Then,

let it ring forth until the end of time.

By the power vested in me by God and the great state of Arkansas, I pronounce the wed.

You two are fucking nuts.

I know!

Congratulations!

I'll go tell everyone the news.

Let's get a time on that, dear.

About a minute forty.

A new record.

I know we can get it down to under a minute.

Next time for certain.

So you didn't remember them until a few days ago?

Yeah, that's how it works, apparently.

I don't directly remember things that happened, but things can remind me, and then when I do remember, it all comes at me in a rush.

It's

really disorienting.

173 years.

173 years.

So there could be all kinds of stories like this locked up in your head, and you would never know it?

Yeah.

I think this one's a little different, though.

Why?

I think I met them early on when I hadn't been here that long.

I thought Effie and Zebulon were in my head.

I thought I was

insane.

I was scared a lot.

But for the first time, I

genuinely helped someone.

For the first time, I felt like there was

some purpose to this place.

Or at least there could be.

I think if I hadn't have met them, I might not have made it.

And now they need your help.

Apparently.

But whatever thing they're using to broadcast into my brain, it only goes one way, so I can't tell them they're barking up the wrong tree.

I'm just an earthling now.

Just a guy who used to work at the DMV.

Whatever mess they're in, they're gonna have to get themselves out of it.

Don't miss the train, everyone.

Did everyone take some tacos?

I think we've got enough tacos to feed a galaxy, Gloria.

Okay, good.

It's been amazing to meet you.

It's been so great.

Thanks for stepping in to save the universe.

You sure you're gonna be okay here?

Yeah,

this old girl has taken me everywhere.

I can't abandon her now.

I know the feeling.

Hey, you two.

A little heads up about the wedding next time.

I could have made a cake.

Sorry, Gloria.

I had to move fast before she changed her mind.

You couldn't have called me in from the parking lot?

You hate weddings.

That's true.

So

what's the next step?

I don't know.

I've found this place before.

I am sure I can find another one.

You have

five

pinball machines in there?

I do.

Leaf is very frustrated by my high score on Earthshaker.

Do you have Earthshaker?

I do.

Oh, that's the grapes of wrath of pinball machines.

Really is beautiful.

I can't believe I could have been playing Earthshaker this whole time.

California and Nevada split apart.

And it makes the rail for the ball.

Amazing.

Is it one of the censored ones?

No.

The girl's voice still says bitchin'.

I'm so jealous.

I can't believe it.

We have Cactus Canyon, too.

The original or the remake?

The original.

What?

It's nice when they play together.

Shut it.

Taby, let's go.

It's our wedding night.

Remember, you two, I want some grandchildren.

Bye, Ava.

Ooh, here, take these.

What are these?

Pagers?

Just on the outside.

I'm working on something.

What is it?

Figured out a way to clone the signal of the paradise.

They work like signal repeaters.

Okay.

That's cool.

Why, though?

Honestly, I have no idea.

I figured out how to make them, and now I'm looking for a good use case.

Maybe you can figure something out.

Alright.

Let's see what I can do.

Tell Bert Bird I said hi.

Okay.

You two.

Hey, I'm sorry.

I've got to say something.

What's up?

This whole thing doesn't seem right to me.

How do you mean?

Marguerite and Ava are saying that your diner got knocked out of commission, and now that the multiverse has bridged the gap, it doesn't need your diner anymore.

Essentially.

Tell me honestly.

A diner?

A movie theater?

Do we really think this is how all of existence works?

Honestly?

No, exactly.

Imagine you're in Mesopotamia, okay?

You're a farmer.

You grow your crops on the banks of the Tigris.

You look at that river and you think,

look at this beautiful river.

Isn't it great that this river makes my farm so bountiful?

But,

let's say that you, a Mesopotamian farmer, have a little engineer inside you that says, yes, this river is beautiful, but what if I had canals between my crop rows that the river would feed?

The river flows through the canals and then back into the river.

What if I could take the natural world and just

give it a little polish, a mod or two?

Where's the harm in that?

Sure, yeah.

And now imagine you're the same type of guy, but this time it's say 12 billion years ago.

You look up and you see the ebb and flow of existence and you think to yourself, that's beautiful.

But you know, what if I helped it out a little bit?

You think someone used technology to mod the multiverse?

Not technology the way you and I think of it.

I'm talking about dimensional compression, man.

I'm talking about a battleship inside of an atom.

I'm talking about a thing that sleeps in particles and then at the right place, at the right time,

the right words are said,

it unfolds before you.

You think that diner and that movie theater,

that someone made them?

That someone built canals in the fabric of space-time

Every organism changes the environment it lives in.

What makes a multiverse so different?

It's just a fucking Cadillac, Laf.

Think about it, okay?

Yeah.

I will.

Thanks for the weird pagers.

Thanks for the tacos.

Y'all,

it has been an eye-opening day.

A beautiful one.

I believe in you all,

and I know that you'll be able to make it through this time and onward to more adventures.

We'll be thinking of you as we crisscross the sky.

And remember, when you really need us, we're always just right around the corner.

Goodbye, Paradise.

Well,

here we all are.

I am just now realizing that David has had the longest day in the history of mankind.

Jesus Christ.

It's only been a day.

It's like that moment in Diehard.

Welcome to the party, pal!

Shit!

Late!

What?

It's just a fucking Cadillac!

Yeah, I heard you!

When do you need two Cadillacs?

What?

What is he talking about?

Two Cadillacs?

When do you need two Cadillacs?

I mean, you need two Cadillacs when one Cadillac simply will not do.

Am I right?

What was that?

Muckle Waynes.

We heard it.

And I'm afraid we recognize it.

What is it?

It's them.

The mystery men?

Yes.

Everybody inside right now.

Let's go.

David, follow me.

Muckle Waynes, tell them what's going on.

David, out back right now.

Where are we going?

Right now.

Listen up, y'all.

These are the mysterious beings who accosted us way back when.

You will hear three separate noises and they will seem to drop right out of the sky.

I should get Peter.

There's no need, Life.

We saw terrifying weaponry used against them to no avail.

Keep yourselves hidden.

Perhaps Effie and I may find a way to distract them or

redirect their attentions elsewhere.

Where did Casper go?

I imagine he's telling David to get gone.

You want me to go?

I need you to go, David.

These guys are very dangerous.

I can't have you here.

We should all go then.

They're probably looking for me.

I tossed a few of them in the deep freeze a long time ago, and I guess me staying put has allowed them to catch up with me.

You've got to go now.

I'm not going to just leave after all this.

David?

All that time I was out there looking for you all those years, almost losing my mind.

I just needed to know you were okay.

Please don't deny me that now.

Look, either Leaf or Ava will think of something, or the Mucklemans will do something crazy.

We always get out of it somehow.

Just

go home.

Stay there.

I'll call you as soon as the danger's past, okay?

Don't fucking get killed after all this.

Nobody dies.

Go right now.

Fuck.

That's them.

Go.

Who are they, Lafe?

No idea.

There they are.

They've made no movements to come inside.

They're just

waiting there.

Did David get out?

Yeah, he's sick.

So what now?

Inside the structure.

Make yourselves known.

Oh, no, I don't think we'll be making ourselves known.

What kind of idiots do they think we are?

Elect a representative and move them to the structure's exterior.

Elect a representative?

That's a new notion of theirs.

Yeah, they didn't do that last time.

Do they just want to talk to us?

Why are you laughing?

Wait, dummies.

They don't know what's going on either.

What do you mean?

They're trying to get us to tell them.

What are you talking about?

Hey.

Um.

You're great.

What?

Nothing.

Just.

You're great.

I'm so confused right now.

Trust me.

Okay.

Ava.

Let's go, Michael Waynes.

What is she doing?

What have you got up your sleeve?

Just fermions and bosons, Muckle Wayne.

What the fuck?

Hi there!

If you're here for the wedding, I'm afraid you missed it.

RSVPing is very important in polite society.

Are you the elected representative?

Yes, that's me.

I am the leader.

Ava,

I sure hope you know what you're doing.

Expeduction processing.

Hey, hey, hey, watch the meat hooks there.

Oh, shit.

They took them.

Ava, goddamn.

Now what?

Shit!

Why the fuck did she come out here?

She pretended like she was the leader and they took her.

Why did she do that?

We have to assume she had some sort of fucked-up plan.

God damn her and her fucked-up plans!

We cannot afford to be down a physicist and two mucklewains right now.

What the hell are we going to do?

What does that sound?

Huh.

It's these

things Lafe gave me.

What are they?

Well,

he said they're like signal repeaters.

They clone the diner's signal.

Why Why are they

oh shit?

What you know when you need two Cadillacs

when one of them has a dead battery?

Oh my god,

they gave us a fucking jumpstart

like a goddamn Cadillac.

Thank God,

okay.

We're back up.

Oh no,

Casper

David, yeah,

He's gonna be okay.

I'm glad I got to see him again.

He's a great guy.

Maybe we can make our way back to him somehow.

Yeah, sure.

Hey, Gloria.

What?

How about you go check the deep freeze?

Oh, my God.

Hello.

There you are, you little fuckers.

Look at you!

Look at you!

Oh, look at all of you!

Okay.

Okay.

So much licking.

Look at you guys.

I missed you so much.

Shit.

Okay.

Okay.

Listen up.

Listen up, everyone.

We're going to have all kinds of time together, and it's gonna be great.

But for now, I have to go because mommy's going to fuck up the bad guys again, okay?

Wait a minute,

wait, wait a minute,

puppies?

What the hell?

God damn, each one of you is a girl.

The crew is down to half.

We've got an apparent army of Oogies on our trail, and there are still three sisters out there that apparently apparently need our help.

Not good odds.

Well, let's get up on the roof and try and come up with a plan.

I really have no idea how to plan around something like this anymore.

We'll think of something.

Oh,

no.

Oh shit.

What

the reception sucks out here,

David.

David, what the fuck did you do?

So?

Tell me more about Three Sisters.

The Tommies in the French themes will have one favorite song.

It's a long way to Tipperary.

Thanks for listening to Midnight Murder, y'all.

Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember, we're out there, somewhere, looking for you.

We open at six.

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Anomaly, Charmay, The Wondrous Methazophon, Hashtag Nissan Acura, Finnegan Robert, Samira, Flat Dub, Trinket Coralie, Deary Darling, Banshee Ranch, Bookschiff Managed, Ambient Drifting Man 80, Chris Hancock, Nicole23, Victor in Cincinnati, Cincinnati, Gracefully Impaired, Jack Lane, Tired Pirate Muffin, Jay Snoosten, Caravan Shaker, Laura, Roman Ronin, John Pruitt, Camel Pope, Sammy Baldwin, Posh Baby Rentals Florida, Cryptesia, Rebecca Trossel, Mitzi Lou, Kelsey Home, Casper's Number One Fan, Amanda Marie Catherine, Damien The Goddamn Time Lawyer, Lola, Deli Cruise, Nan McVicker, Matt Mosby, Harry Fishnuts, Joshua Cody, Astronaweeb, Starlight, Berserking Off, David Biorini, Techno Ranger Brick, Mossy, Lecoqney Francaise, Virgo Aries Infinity, Best Buds Danny and M, Ashley, A Bug Name Nat, Potato Nation, Cece Ryder, Hunter B, Rudra, Rusty Accord, Death the Kid, Big Whiskey, Magic Pony, Robert Oliveri, Dan Bowman, Paul A.

Johnson, Killer Odd, Dandy Bay, The Green Street Major, Dr.

Punt Gusher Esquire learned and wanted to share that the Patreon name field character limit is cut off at 128 character.

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Dear Space Jesus, please

give away your state secrets just yet, guys.

Dear Space Jesus, we follow it to its ultimate conclusion and we end up face to face with who

this is the one I actually meant to ask you about.

Hey, you two.

A little hit.

Yeah.

I whistled my S.

Okay, go ahead.

Which is fairy, Tennessee, I guess.

Right?

That is true.

Taking a ride on time traveling's dementia.

How about I get you know like the subtitle of the thing right?

Let's do it.

God damn it.

I've observed.

Observed.

I've observed.

And we're done.

We're nobody died.

Nobody

died.

Ava's old Audi stick shift.

What was it called?

Audi.

Audi, yeah.

Your girl doesn't say Audi.

Audi.

Audi.

Imagine the universe is a car, not a nice car, just a car that gets you from place to place, like Ava's old Audi stick shift.

You did it again.

You just did it again.

It's an I said Audi.

No, you said Audi.

You said Audi.

I'm doing the thing that Tom did where that one time where he couldn't say the thing and he kept saying it the way that he thought it was work.

Remember that?

In the

Clementine's.

Okay, I sure remember that.

Wait, what am I saying?

Audi.

Audi is Audi.

Audi.

I drive a Honda.

It's a lot easier to say that.

Okay.

Here we go.

Alicia.

That was so funny.

What?

It was great.

It's true.

Look at her.

She's on the outside all the time.

All the time.

All these smarty, smart, smarts talking smart shit.

Like, she's totally on the outside all the time.

Poor, poor Polly Jean, wife of the dean.

Poor, poor Polly Jean wife of the dean.

Made up nursery rhymes about her.

God.

Oh, did I miss something?

God damn it.

Yeah.

To hell.

God damn it, to hell.

You guys are dicks.

Just a little bit.

You can even throw some words in there, like, you know, like, oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You know what I mean?

Stuff like that.

Yeah.

The fools

I hated all of that.

Can we please say goodbye?

Oh my God.

All right.

Okay, let's stop there.

Fucking earths, man.

Right.

Right.

I look at

chills.

Thank you.

Chills.

This is my last shot, man.

Come on.

I think we're going to go back and do it again.

Yeah,

we would have to do that online ordain thing.

Yeah.

Or they would have to pay you.

I mean, you have to

take five men.

Ordained by the Church of Life.

Yeah, you might as well do that and speak and just be ready.

Yeah.

All right, wait, wait, wait.

The pork and spots are great once you remember, by the way.

Awesome.

You get a clergy sticker.

Nice.

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