Chapter 30: Fangs Out!

Speaker 1 This isn't just a game, it's a once-in-a-generation event. The Harlem Globetrotters 100-year tour.

Speaker 1 Celebrate 100 years of high-flying dunks, 100 years of show-stopping moves, and 100 years of changing the game. Bring the whole family and be part of the legacy.
This game is once in a century.

Speaker 1 Be there at Chase Center on January 18th. Go to HarlemGlobetrotters.com for your tickets to the 100-year tour.

Speaker 5 Midnight Burger will always be free to listen to, but it's not free to make, so please consider supporting us by subscribing on Supporting Cast, Patreon, or Apple Podcasts.

Speaker 3 For early access, ad-free shows, exclusive content, and our enduring gratitude.

Speaker 5 Just follow any of the links in the show notes for this episode.

Speaker 7 Hi, everyone. It's Joe.

Speaker 9 Before we begin, I wanted to extend one final warning that this episode that you're about to hear is not the final episode of season three of Midnight Burger.

Speaker 9 We made an announcement a while back that we are extending season three of Midnight Burger by two episodes.

Speaker 5 So, Midnight Burger Season 3 will end on chapter 32 and not chapter 30 that you are about to listen to right now. Okay, I think now everyone's gotten the message.

Speaker 16 Enjoy the show.

Speaker 17 Previously on Midnight Burger, Leaf's Got a Gun.

Speaker 18 I'm Pockets.

Speaker 10 Clementine has laser hands.

Speaker 19 Leaf's got chemical ice.

Speaker 12 You dropped her in a giant ice cube.

Speaker 18 I did.

Speaker 15 Clementine doesn't care.

Speaker 21 I'm going to make you pay for this one.

Speaker 3 And then, what's that up in the sky?

Speaker 19 It's...

Speaker 19 Hey! X!

Speaker 22 Who are you?

Speaker 12 Get away from my friends!

Speaker 21 Oof!

Speaker 10 And then, after all that, what's that up in the sky?

Speaker 5 Is it realization?

Speaker 24 It can't be me.

Speaker 5 With halftime officially called, we take you all the way back to medieval Jerusalem to try and solve the mystery of a 700-year-old man named.

Speaker 26 Who are you?

Speaker 27 I am Tarek of York.

Speaker 5 And in the most unlikeliest of places, this happens.

Speaker 27 I

Speaker 24 love you.

Speaker 13 And how you?

Speaker 5 It ended how I'm sure you imagine it would.

Speaker 24 I have to save you

Speaker 24 by leaving you. Because I do

Speaker 6 love you, Tarek of York.

Speaker 19 I will forever.

Speaker 5 Ah, it just breaks your heart. If a 700-year-old man and a delusional space goddess eroding the fabric of space-time can't make it work, who can?

Speaker 2 Let's start the shift.

Speaker 29 Asset seven, please step back from the door.

Speaker 27 I'm nowhere near the door.

Speaker 27 You're not the usual person who brings me lunch.

Speaker 26 I know. Where does it go? On this table?

Speaker 27 That's fine.

Speaker 15 Well, come on.

Speaker 26 It's going to get cold.

Speaker 27 It's usually cold when they serve it.

Speaker 26 Get your ass over here.

Speaker 19 Taco Tuesday again already?

Speaker 26 I guess so.

Speaker 19 So, who are you? Tamara.

Speaker 27 Nice to meet you. Isn't it?

Speaker 19 So, what do you do here? Are you the director or something?

Speaker 26 Oh, I don't work here.

Speaker 27 It's hard to tell from inside this room, but I'm pretty sure this place is a secret government facility.

Speaker 26 Oh, it definitely is. Very hard to find.

Speaker 27 And you just walked in?

Speaker 26 Pretty much.

Speaker 27 Once a week, a nurse comes in and takes a blood sample, then a man comes in and questions me. That's happened 50 times, which I think means I've been here about a year.

Speaker 15 Then

Speaker 27 you show up.

Speaker 26 This must be a nice change of pace.

Speaker 15 It is.

Speaker 27 Also, a strange one.

Speaker 26 Well, I knew some people.

Speaker 27 They must be pretty powerful people.

Speaker 26 I don't know if powerful is the word, but they're the right people.

Speaker 27 And And I suppose if I told you I was in here because of a massive case of mistaken identity, that wouldn't help.

Speaker 26 Not with me, it wouldn't.

Speaker 27 Because you know something other people don't?

Speaker 26 Yes.

Speaker 25 What is that?

Speaker 26 You know, I'm a very rich woman.

Speaker 27 I imagine so.

Speaker 26 But I didn't come from money. I was a security guard at a mall when I was young, but one lucky break and several good investments later, and now I've got my own plane.

Speaker 27 Let me guess. It's one of those red baron planes.
You wear a leather cap and goggles?

Speaker 26 It's a G6,

Speaker 26 and for the past ten years, I have been crisscrossing the globe in it. And why is that? Because sometimes first class just won't do it.

Speaker 27 I mean, why have you been crisscrossing the globe?

Speaker 26 Mind your business. So, the richer I got, the more and more I was hanging around other rich people.
And I don't know if you know many rich people, but uh,

Speaker 26 deeply strange is the term I would use. At one point, I'm on an island and I don't even know what island I'm on.

Speaker 26 That's a rich person thing, by the way, being on an island and not knowing where the hell you are.

Speaker 26 I'm in the lobby of a hotel looking out over the Mediterranean, and I'm surrounded by just an ungodly amount of these people. The GDP of Europe is in the lobby, okay?

Speaker 26 Anyway, I'm looking all around and I'm thinking, what do they do? What do they do all day?

Speaker 26 I've done very well for myself, but I guess it's the poor kidding me. I still need something to do.

Speaker 27 I thought that's what charities and foundations were for.

Speaker 26 Don't get me wrong, I give my fair share, but there's only so many benefit galas a woman can go to.

Speaker 27 So, how do you fill your time?

Speaker 26 By looking for a man. Not like that.

Speaker 30 Okay.

Speaker 26 A very elusive man.

Speaker 27 What's his name?

Speaker 26 That's part of the problem. He's got a lot of them.

Speaker 27 That's confusing.

Speaker 19 He should pick one.

Speaker 26 Oh, he did. Many times.
Talon Lawson, Patrick Jenkins, Tom Webster. That's just in the last 30 years.

Speaker 26 That's not all that unusual, though.

Speaker 26 People on the run, criminals, they have multiple identities all the time. You know the right people, you can be anyone you want.

Speaker 22 It starts to get weird after going back 30 years.

Speaker 27 Tamara, let me stop you right there.

Speaker 26 But I'm just getting started.

Speaker 27 I've been trapped here in a government building extra judicially. All the evidence you're about to present to me, I've heard it all before.

Speaker 27 Once a week, at least, someone comes in here and presents me with the same evidence you are about to present me with. And then I say back to them, you're insane.
Because it is insane.

Speaker 27 Accusing me of being a man that is somehow hundreds of years old, this is lunacy. And I think they know it now.

Speaker 27 And I think the only reason I'm still here is because of the size of the lawsuit I am going to bring as soon as they let me call a lawyer.

Speaker 26 I see.

Speaker 26 So we're still keeping up the facade then.

Speaker 3 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 26 Do you know what this place is?

Speaker 27 No, but I like to imagine it somehow being hidden under Disneyland.

Speaker 26 It's not hidden under Disneyland. It's in a business park in Lincoln, Nebraska.

Speaker 27 You're the first person to tell me where I am.

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 26 I probably wasn't supposed to do that, but I don't give a shit.

Speaker 26 They call you an asset.

Speaker 27 Yeah, I know. I don't know why.

Speaker 26 They call you an asset because that's what this place is. You're not the only one they're keeping here.
There are others like you just down the hall. I saw them as I was escorted here.

Speaker 27 Others like me?

Speaker 26 Not exactly like you. Your asset seven, assets one through six, are in the same building.
I tried to get the guard to talk to me about it.

Speaker 26 Apparently, one of them can suck the life out of a battery in ten minutes. Another one has a casual relationship with gravity, whatever that means.

Speaker 26 They went through all the trouble to set this place up, and you're telling me that it was all a mistake on their part.

Speaker 27 That's exactly what I am telling you.

Speaker 26 Do you know why I've been crisscrossing the world in my fancy plane for ten years?

Speaker 27 I thought it was none of my business.

Speaker 19 I've been looking for you.

Speaker 26 I hired historians, I paid off local officials, I went to Kyrgyzstan, Kyrgyzstan. There's nothing in Kyrgyzstan.

Speaker 27 You're right. There's nothing there, including me.

Speaker 26 And I do all that. Ten years of work.
And that brings me to this government facility. And after all that, you're just going to tell me it's all bullshit.

Speaker 27 Ten years. And then you come in here and don't even ask my name? I know your name.
Well, then what do you even need me for? You know everything.

Speaker 26 Because I want to hear you say it.

Speaker 27 This is ridiculous. So they just.

Speaker 17 They just let you in here.

Speaker 32 How is that even possible?

Speaker 26 I see you've got two tactics in a situation like this. One, get the other person to talk about themselves as much as you can, and two,

Speaker 26 lie big

Speaker 26 and lie long. Stick to your story, and they'll eventually give up on theirs.
Their version of your story is harder to believe in anyway, right?

Speaker 27 I'm surrounded by crazy people.

Speaker 26 This is your own damn fault, you know. You were the one who tipped me off.

Speaker 22 I was?

Speaker 26 You started getting a little squirrely with your name choices in the 19th century. Maybe going a little crazy, maybe wanting to get caught just a little bit.

Speaker 26 I mean, it had been 600 years at that point.

Speaker 26 Jay Snoosdon? You really expect people to believe that bullshit name?

Speaker 27 Still don't know what you're talking about.

Speaker 26 But the real cry for help was at the turn of the century. A man applies for Irish citizenship.
Terry O'York?

Speaker 27 I've heard this all before, and I'll say the same thing I did then.

Speaker 26 How about the demon of Breitenfeld?

Speaker 26 That wasn't your official name, just the name that they gave you. We had to dig deep for that one.
I'm betting they haven't thrown that name at you yet.

Speaker 26 I'm sorry I had to bring it up. You probably didn't want to hear that right now.

Speaker 27 I don't know what you're talking about.

Speaker 26 What if I could get you out of here?

Speaker 26 What? I'm too rich to repeat myself. Don't make me.
You can't.

Speaker 2 How do you know?

Speaker 27 It'll take more than an impressive bank account to get me out of here.

Speaker 24 I've got more than that.

Speaker 27 Also, they're listening to this conversation right now, and you just proposed an escape.

Speaker 26 They're not listening.

Speaker 27 Of course, they're listening.

Speaker 26 No, they're not. They're not listening because I used my impressive bank account to get a private conversation.
See how that works.

Speaker 15 How?

Speaker 26 Don't worry about it.

Speaker 26 And then where would we- I've got a place we can go.

Speaker 17 You're serious, aren't you?

Speaker 26 I am very serious.

Speaker 27 What's in this for you?

Speaker 15 Me.

Speaker 26 Oh, it's been a lifelong journey for me. I need some closure.
It all started a long time ago when I met a strange woman named Clementine.

Speaker 26 I imagine it began about the same way for you.

Speaker 27 Tell me what you know?

Speaker 26 No.

Speaker 27 We have a lot to talk about.

Speaker 26 We do.

Speaker 27 Get me the fuck out of here, then.

Speaker 26 One condition. What? What's your name?

Speaker 26 Your real name.

Speaker 27 My name is Terric of York, son of Tybalt I.

Speaker 27 I was born in Castle Pontefract in the year of our Lord 1371.

Speaker 24 I found you, motherfucker. Yes, you did.

Speaker 26 This has been a long time coming, Terry.

Speaker 27 Me getting out of here has also been a long time coming, so what's the plan?

Speaker 26 You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Speaker 27 As I'm sure you can imagine, I've led a rather extraordinary life. I doubt you can surprise me.

Speaker 26 I don't know. It's been a surprising day so far.
Try me. Well, first of all, those tacos I brought you did not come from the commissary.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ, what the hell is that?

Speaker 33 Apparently, it's called a laser saw.

Speaker 34 A what?

Speaker 34 Attention, all who can hear my voice. I'm Sebulon Muckawane, here with my wife, Ethan.
I'm prisoner!

Speaker 33 What the fuck is that? I think we should probably just wait until I can explain everything at once.

Speaker 34 We have been informed that there are many people here who are being held against their will.

Speaker 34 And we don't like that one bit, y'all. We say now to your captors: the cowering prisoners will soon be set free.
They will not die in their dungeon, nor will they lack bread.

Speaker 27 The doors to the cells are all opening except ours.

Speaker 33 They explained this earlier to me today.

Speaker 33 Apparently, they've done a jailbreak or two.

Speaker 27 Who explained it to you?

Speaker 33 A jailbreak comes in three parts, apparently: insertion, distraction, extraction. I'm the insertion, that's the distraction.
And now...

Speaker 19 Galebreak, motherfuckers.

Speaker 27 Holy shit.

Speaker 32 Hey, hey, Tarek. How are things? Did you get my note?

Speaker 2 Casper?

Speaker 18 We'll catch up later.

Speaker 19 Your chariot awaits. Let's go!

Speaker 32 Where the fuck did the helicopter come from?

Speaker 19 Tamara got it. It's cool, right?

Speaker 18 Apparently it's called Reaper.

Speaker 19 Rich people are wild.

Speaker 18 She said she wanted a helicopter, made one phone call, and then a helicopter showed up.

Speaker 2 Everybody in?

Speaker 17 Here, put a headset on.

Speaker 27 This is insane.

Speaker 26 So, it was the craziest thing.

Speaker 26 I'm bopping all around the globe looking for you for 10 years, and then I finally find you in Lincoln, goddamn Nebraska, and I can't get to you because you're locked away in a black site.

Speaker 26 I'm staying at the Hilton trying to calculate my next move. By the way, the Lincoln, Nebraska Hilton, not recommended.

Speaker 26 So I've reached a point in my life where I really, really hate not getting what I want. And as I'm looking out the window, that's when I see it.
Like God's own love.

Speaker 15 What? Us?

Speaker 27 What?

Speaker 26 Again, let's just wait until we can explain everything all at once. Good plan.

Speaker 32 Gloria, can you hear me?

Speaker 36 I can hear you.

Speaker 32 We have secured the football.

Speaker 36 Stop normal.

Speaker 17 We have Tarek say hello.

Speaker 36 Hello there, Tarek.

Speaker 19 Who is this?

Speaker 36 I'm Gloria. I'll see you in a few minutes.
Okay, sure.

Speaker 37 Hey, Casper, are they chasing you?

Speaker 14 Hang on.

Speaker 17 Okay, they're trying to, but they don't have a helicopter, idiots.

Speaker 37 What are we looking at?

Speaker 28 Uh, looks like uh six black suburbans.

Speaker 15 Ooh.

Speaker 38 Feds.

Speaker 37 This will be fun.

Speaker 36 Uh, important science question.

Speaker 36 Do we get to shoot the big gun?

Speaker 13 The big what?

Speaker 39 Okay, we're coming in for a landing.

Speaker 18 Already? Yeah, we were just down the street.

Speaker 17 Why the hell did you need a helicopter?

Speaker 36 Did he just ask why the hell did you need a helicopter? Who is this nerd? Never say no to a free helicopter, Turk.

Speaker 39 Okay, we're coming in for a landing in the parking lot.

Speaker 32 The feds aren't far off.

Speaker 36 Leaf, are you ready?

Speaker 37 I'm ready. How serious are we getting with these guys?

Speaker 36 Bangs out. Bangs out.
Bangs out.

Speaker 15 Bangs out.

Speaker 37 Prisoners are all freed, y'all.

Speaker 34 It's happening. Say bangs out.
Bangs out. No!

Speaker 32 Where the fuck are you taking me?

Speaker 19 See, this is fun.

Speaker 26 Now I get to watch somebody else go through it. See that parking lot?

Speaker 22 That's where we're headed.

Speaker 19 Midnight Burger.

Speaker 14 Okay, we're down.

Speaker 19 Everybody into the fun house.

Speaker 33 Remember, I told you I was a security guard? A long time ago, I was in a pretty weird situation, and then, suddenly, there was a diner.

Speaker 12 Hello there, Terry.

Speaker 27 What is this place?

Speaker 15 I'm Gloria.

Speaker 27 Have a seat. We're being chased by federal agents.

Speaker 19 You want me to order lunch? We got that handled.

Speaker 8 Sit down.

Speaker 9 Where did that helicopter come from, by the way?

Speaker 26 Private security.

Speaker 22 Don't worry about it.

Speaker 12 Casper, you and Leif get up on the roof and repel the invaders. Okay.

Speaker 13 Oh, hey, we should do the floor is lava.

Speaker 2 Ooh.

Speaker 32 Floor is lava?

Speaker 15 Been a while. What?

Speaker 16 A little something from the pre-Ava days.

Speaker 39 Leaf and I had a few set ways of getting out of a jam.

Speaker 32 Yeah, there was floor is lava. There was also, that's my womb back.

Speaker 17 Also, Here Comes Cardinal Richelieu.

Speaker 21 We even had a scheme of our own, didn't we, dear? Yes, we did. Ours was called Biscuits.

Speaker 32 That was a good one.

Speaker 12 Okay, fine.

Speaker 20 Go nut. I'm torn because I want to do Flora's Lava, but I also want to talk to the old guy.

Speaker 17 We'll save you a seat.

Speaker 24 Okay.

Speaker 20 Let's go!

Speaker 21 Flora's Lava!

Speaker 27 Is it always this ridiculous around here?

Speaker 12 No, actually.

Speaker 12 Sometimes it can be downright depressing. We went through a rough patch a few weeks ago, and we're starting to turn it around now.

Speaker 27 What happened a few weeks ago?

Speaker 12 A few weeks ago, we met a woman named Clementine.

Speaker 12 Ring any bells?

Speaker 27 Start talking.

Speaker 12 I've got to take you way back, Tarek.

Speaker 12 Once upon a time, I answered an ad in Craigslist.

Speaker 18 Here comes the fuzz.

Speaker 40 You know,

Speaker 32 it's important in any relationship to establish clear boundaries

Speaker 19 fangs out

Speaker 19 I feel as though the word fangs does not truly capture the moment.

Speaker 20 This is Zeva with the traffic report. It's rough out there today, everyone.

Speaker 20 Look out on the turnpike where there's a huge pile up of fence, and apparently some whack job has mounted a huge particle cannon on the roof of his dino.

Speaker 41 Those automobiles sure were shiny a minute ago, weren't they?

Speaker 27 What the hell just happened outside?

Speaker 12 That was our particle cannon.

Speaker 26 Particle cannon? I didn't believe it when you told me, but that was definitely some kind of cannon. I need me one.

Speaker 27 What kind of diner has a particle cannon?

Speaker 12 The kind that needs protection from a super powerful, terrified toddler.

Speaker 27 I can't believe that story you just told me. That doesn't sound like Clementine at all.

Speaker 27 You're describing an insane person.

Speaker 26 I was shocked when I heard it myself.

Speaker 12 Tarek, the strangest thing you've ever heard of up to now is you. But I'm here to tell you that you, Mr.
700-year-old man, are just a very small part of a much, much weirder universe.

Speaker 12 So, I told you my story.

Speaker 12 Now, why don't you tell me yours? Who is Clementine to you?

Speaker 19 She

Speaker 27 fell from the sky.

Speaker 43 This is Special Agent Sarah Murphy of Homeland Security.

Speaker 42 Please disarm your weapon or power it down or whatever and exit the building with your hands up.

Speaker 42 She does not sound confident.

Speaker 20 Not one bit. I feel like the homeland is not secure.

Speaker 15 What do you think?

Speaker 32 Should we exit the building with our hands up? I don't know.

Speaker 5 Will there be pizza?

Speaker 13 Let me check. Hey, Agent Murphy, quick question.

Speaker 45 Will there be pizza?

Speaker 45 Uh,

Speaker 46 no.

Speaker 46 Okay, no, then.

Speaker 45 Then we are going to pass.

Speaker 20 That's bullshit. They always give pizzas during a standoff.

Speaker 42 Wait, we have the building surrounded.

Speaker 21 Uh,

Speaker 21 I do not wish to call anyone a liar, but there ain't no way this building is surrounded.

Speaker 17 It's maybe half surrounded.

Speaker 20 Even calling it a semicircle is generous.

Speaker 47 Hey, Agent Murphy, be honest.

Speaker 45 Do you really have the building surrounded?

Speaker 45 No.

Speaker 45 No, not really. More like a semicircle, right?

Speaker 43 It may be a semicircle.

Speaker 45 It's important to be honest in these situations, Special Agent.

Speaker 42 Really?

Speaker 42 So you're gonna be honest about the weapon you have on your roof?

Speaker 38 Honesty is very important, Leaf.

Speaker 32 You're so right.

Speaker 45 It's a multi-phasic particle cannon.

Speaker 47 Does that help?

Speaker 17 Now, I feel like Agent Murphy's having a bad day.

Speaker 19 Anyone get that sense?

Speaker 20 Maybe she needs a pizza.

Speaker 20 Oh, yeah? I thought we were doing Flora's lava.

Speaker 49 We definitely will.

Speaker 32 We've got to wait for them to escalate.

Speaker 39 Let's annoy them until they escalate.

Speaker 15 Okay, how?

Speaker 39 There's nothing more aggravating than hearing someone's life story.

Speaker 41 I will second that notion.

Speaker 32 This will be fun. Agent Murphy.

Speaker 45 Let's get to know each other.

Speaker 45 Let me take you back to Humboldt County, California.

Speaker 12 Seriously? Oh my god, that's so sad.

Speaker 27 I was devastated.

Speaker 26 She just disappeared on you, huh?

Speaker 27 I was ready to give up everything. Forgive anything, and then she was gone.

Speaker 26 That even makes me sad, Tarek. And I hate love stories.

Speaker 27 My time with her was the happiest I've ever been, and the most confused. But the confusion then was nothing compared to the confusion that followed.

Speaker 12 Because Casper sent you a little message.

Speaker 27 That was the start of it, yes.

Speaker 12 Can I just say he did not tell me he was going to do that, and I feel like there was a better version of that plan.

Speaker 26 What did the message say?

Speaker 27 The paper it was written on fully disintegrated about four hundred years ago, but it went like this: Dear Taric of York, I apologize in advance for saying a bunch of things you're not going to understand.

Speaker 27 But I'm writing you this note because I think you may be looking for Clementine.

Speaker 27 If you are, I

Speaker 27 If you try really hard, you might find us, but we'll probably find you first. Until then,

Speaker 15 Casper.

Speaker 26 Yeah, that's not helpful at all.

Speaker 27 I desperately want you to imagine what it's like for a man living in 14th-century Jerusalem to receive a note like that.

Speaker 8 Damn.

Speaker 27 Added to that, the note was delivered by

Speaker 12 something.

Speaker 12 That was a friend of ours. We'll explain later.
Keep going, though.

Speaker 27 Well, after the whole experience, I felt like I was waking up from a dream. I wondered if it had even happened.
Things began to calm down. I went back to my studies.

Speaker 27 And then I began to notice the change.

Speaker 15 Or the lack of it.

Speaker 27 My My friend, Joseph, began to get gray hair.

Speaker 27 I did not.

Speaker 27 He became a grandparent. There were fruit cellars in the market.
They began to be taken over by their children.

Speaker 15 Holes in the great wall around the old city were repaired, and nothing changed for me.

Speaker 27 I was exactly as you see me now.

Speaker 27 At a certain point, I had to make the choice to leave. Jerusalem was full of suspicion back then.
In the city of God, people are always on the lookout for the devil.

Speaker 27 I began to get some worried looks.

Speaker 27 So, one day I packed up my things and I moved on.

Speaker 27 And that became a pattern for me for

Speaker 27 the rest of my very long life.

Speaker 26 I feel ridiculous asking this question, considering where we are, but how did you become this?

Speaker 27 I've been asking myself that question for about 700 years.

Speaker 12 Tarek,

Speaker 12 when you were with Clementine, did you ever talk about wanting to live a long time or

Speaker 12 wanting to see what the world would be like in the future?

Speaker 27 I practiced alchemy at the time.

Speaker 27 I do remember telling her about the elixir of life, something that alchemists try to pull off. A magical potion that would give you immortality.

Speaker 12 That's what did it.

Speaker 27 That's what did it?

Speaker 26 Yeah. He mentioned immortality one time, and suddenly he lives forever.

Speaker 12 Clementine is incredibly powerful, Tarek. She's the most powerful thing we've encountered, and we've seen some shit.

Speaker 12 She does things accidentally, subconsciously. You talked about something important to you, and then she gave it to you without even meaning to.

Speaker 26 I mean, I'm just talking out my ass here, but there may have been something else going on. What? She said she loved you, Tarek, and you loved her, right? I did.
I think she stuck a pin in you.

Speaker 27 What do you mean?

Speaker 26 She's on a mission. That much is clear.
Maybe deep down she knew she was going to have to figure some shit out. She knew she was going to have to go.

Speaker 12 But she also loved you, so she shoved you in a pickle jar and put you in a shady spot. That's right.

Speaker 19 A pickle jar.

Speaker 12 Maybe subconsciously she wanted to make sure she could always come back to you no matter what which is real fucked up real fucked up, but it's human.

Speaker 3 Don't mind me just looking for something.

Speaker 12 What are you looking for?

Speaker 17 Leaf said there was here it is.

Speaker 18 Electrodes. That's what those are.

Speaker 39 Yeah, we're setting up things.

Speaker 17 Oh, uh, Leaf says, don't worry about the tear gas.

Speaker 12 The tear gas?

Speaker 19 Yeah, don't worry.

Speaker 12 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 11 Sure.

Speaker 27 They don't seem concerned at all that we're surrounded by federal agents.

Speaker 12 We've been slogging through some pretty difficult situations, so when we landed here and all we had to do was a jailbreak and a standoff with federal agents, that's kind of a day off for us.

Speaker 45 That's the story of how I made my first piezoelectric transducer.

Speaker 42 Jesus Christ, enough already. This is your final warning.
Ah,

Speaker 20 oh no.

Speaker 38 Should I say a prayer? In her defense, that story was like watching grass grow.

Speaker 45 We'll never give in, Agent Murphy. We don't think you have the guts to do something drastic.

Speaker 38 Fine!

Speaker 18 Dear gas pot A!

Speaker 32 These guys are as predictable as the Teds.

Speaker 32 Gas masks.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 32 Let's wait for a second.

Speaker 20 Um, how does this lead to the floor being lava?

Speaker 32 Funny, you should say that.

Speaker 50 Okay, Ava, we are now in phase whatever of the floor is lava.

Speaker 29 You and I are gonna go downstairs and start inserting these electrodes into the ground.

Speaker 20 We're going to electrify the ground?

Speaker 29 Something like that.

Speaker 2 Come on. All right.

Speaker 29 Okay, Muckle Wayne's, we're going to put on a little show. You ready?

Speaker 38 I suppose.

Speaker 13 What kind of show are we putting on?

Speaker 32 I'm putting you by the microphone.

Speaker 29 Follow my lead.

Speaker 15 Oh, no.

Speaker 21 Tear gas my eyes

Speaker 21 terrible

Speaker 45 how dare you use tear gas on us agent murphy it didn't have to go down this way leaf yes of course because government agencies hate using tear gas so much

Speaker 42 I respect your ability to make jokes while choking to death, Leaf, but it's time to surrender and exit the building.

Speaker 45 Okay,

Speaker 45 We need time to discuss while somehow avoiding clouds of poisonous gas.

Speaker 44 Okay.

Speaker 45 We'll get right back to you.

Speaker 45 What?

Speaker 50 Okay, they can't see us through the clouds of tear gas. Take some electrodes and shove them into the ground.

Speaker 20 I'm not convinced of the science parts of this plan. Don't worry about it.

Speaker 51 Last time we did this, we were on a planet called Rudra.

Speaker 51 The whole planet was under the control of a weird cult leader named Kyle of Light and his wife, Sunny D. Anomaly.

Speaker 50 It took them about five minutes to identify us as some sort of demonic presence.

Speaker 20 Yeah, that tends to happen when you suddenly materialize in the town square.

Speaker 53 And believe it or not, it wasn't because we suddenly appeared out of nowhere, it was because we served meat. Huh.
They were all vegan.

Speaker 51 Anyway, the people of Rudra, not unlike our friends from Homeland Security, were pretty dumb.

Speaker 52 So, Flora's Lava went off pretty well.

Speaker 20 Why does it sound like things were a lot of fun here until I showed up?

Speaker 52 That's not true.

Speaker 20 You had little schemes with fun names. You didn't do any of that around me.

Speaker 50 We did all kinds of ridiculous shit after you got here.

Speaker 54 You got drunk with Kentucky coal miners.

Speaker 55 I guess.

Speaker 50 And look, I'm describing it as fun, but

Speaker 51 I only knew that after the fact. I only know that now.

Speaker 50 Back then, my biggest objective was to be miserable, so I never noticed that it was fun. Nobody ever tells you you're having the time of your life.
You only realize that after it's over.

Speaker 20 So then I showed up and ended the time of your life.

Speaker 46 No, look,

Speaker 50 it was pretty infantile when it was me and Leaf, okay?

Speaker 51 You showed up and you had ideas about the diner and physics and time and space and all that garbage.

Speaker 20 You're making me sound like a party pooper.

Speaker 54 No, you're not at all a party pooper, but honestly, sometimes the party needs to be pooped.

Speaker 50 And sometimes there's no one around to poop the party that is desperately in need of pooping.

Speaker 52 It was an improvement.

Speaker 50 Even though you would do things like throw rocks at me and call me a bedwetter, it got more grown up.

Speaker 22 I liked it.

Speaker 20 I am very mature.

Speaker 19 You are.

Speaker 20 Now, let's finish pulling this practical joke on these federal agents.

Speaker 52 Okay. You two, there!

Speaker 50 Don't move! Okay, we really need to sell this, okay?

Speaker 52 Sell what? Damn it!

Speaker 54 We've been discovered! Oh no!

Speaker 20 How did they possibly see us here 100 feet away from them? Stay where you are!

Speaker 44 We're taking you into custody!

Speaker 45 Uh, excuse me, Agent Murphy, nobody's being taken into custody unless they want to feel the business end of a particle can.

Speaker 54 Thank God Leaf is here to save us.

Speaker 20 Yes, thanks, God.

Speaker 54 Ava, now that we've set up the devices,

Speaker 54 let's retreat back to the building.

Speaker 20 Oh, I'm very excited about the devices.

Speaker 36 Devices?

Speaker 40 What devices?

Speaker 37 Leaf, what are you doing?

Speaker 20 There is no way those electrodes are going to be able to send a current through the entire ground.

Speaker 19 That's the secret genius of the floor is lava.

Speaker 13 Just like the children's game, the floor is not actually lava.

Speaker 20 Oh, you're not actually electrifying the ground.

Speaker 15 Not at all.

Speaker 13 Watch this.

Speaker 45 I tried to work with you on this, Agent Murphy.

Speaker 45 I tried to be a nice guy, but then you lost tear gas at me.

Speaker 17 It's actually the second time he said that to a woman.

Speaker 45 We have placed devices in the ground.

Speaker 45 In a few seconds, I'm going to send an ungodly amount of voltage through through the ground itself. The only thing that can save you now is the vulcanized rubber tires of your suburbanists.

Speaker 45 Bullshit. Sarah, we hacked your system and let all your prisoners loose.

Speaker 45 We cut through your wall in seconds with a laser saw. I dug a three-foot deep trench in the ground with my particle cannon.
You think I can't send volts of electricity through the ground?

Speaker 45 Fucking god damn it!

Speaker 45 Everybody up, up on top of your vehicles right now!

Speaker 15 Move!

Speaker 32 Ava, turn on the washer-dryer.

Speaker 15 Hilarious.

Speaker 48 We have activated the device.

Speaker 37 You just saved your lives by getting up on your cars

Speaker 15 because

Speaker 15 the floor is lava.

Speaker 4 This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. The holidays are time for traditions, some passed down, some brand new.

Speaker 28 This December, consider starting a new tradition, taking time for yourself through therapy.

Speaker 4 Holidays can be joyful, but also hectic and sometimes lonely, and therapy can give you the space to navigate it all with clarity rather than chaos.

Speaker 4 This December, start a new tradition by taking care of you. Our listeners get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash burger.
That's better H-E-L-P dot com slash burger.

Speaker 59 I've always had a complicated relationship with death. As a sickly child, I thought it was my friend.

Speaker 2 Hello? Hello, Bentley.

Speaker 59 But when my parents tried to save me by defying the very laws of nature, I learned that death is no one's friend.

Speaker 59 Now, in hopes of redeeming my parents, I work for death, avenging those killed before their time.

Speaker 60 I need you to show me how you died.

Speaker 59 It's a dangerous job, but I'm not doing it alone. There's my journalist friend, Gwen.

Speaker 12 This is all completely nuts.

Speaker 59 My faithful butler, Pim.

Speaker 60 Welcome to my world.

Speaker 59 And a raven named Roderick.

Speaker 59 And I'll need their help because this next job will be the strangest and most dangerous one yet.

Speaker 15 Coming up to see you! Stay back!

Speaker 59 Let those who harm the innocent beware this night, for death awaits them.

Speaker 60 But not just any death.

Speaker 58 Grim Death and Bill, the electrocuted criminal. Available now.

Speaker 19 Why have they all gotten up on their cars?

Speaker 26 I'm guessing this is what they meant by Flora's lava.

Speaker 27 Not to ruin the party you all seem to be having, but I do tend to take the long view on things. How exactly are we going to get out of this situation?

Speaker 12 That problem will solve itself, trust me.

Speaker 12 But since we're talking about the Longview, we should probably talk about why we broke you out of prison.

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 12 We didn't know what your deal was exactly. You could have just been someone who bumped into Clementine one time, but

Speaker 12 we kind of hit the jackpot with you, Tarek.

Speaker 26 You were in love with each other.

Speaker 19 Yes.

Speaker 12 And I don't want to exploit that.

Speaker 12 But I also totally want to exploit that.

Speaker 27 What do you mean?

Speaker 12 We've got a lot of reasons to be upset with Clementine.

Speaker 15 A lot.

Speaker 12 But I think the last time we went up against her, we may have knocked some sense into her.

Speaker 12 And I think if the reality of her situation is about to crash down on her, it's going to be rough.

Speaker 12 And considering how little control she has over her emotions and her power, it could be fucking disastrous. Her emotional breakdown could mean a breakdown of reality.

Speaker 26 People could get hurt. Seeing a friendly face might prevent that.

Speaker 27 You think you may see her again.

Speaker 12 We're definitely going to see her again.

Speaker 12 We really think you should be here when we do.

Speaker 27 I don't think that would have the effect you think it would.

Speaker 12 Why?

Speaker 15 Gloria, it's

Speaker 27 it's It's been 700 years. I've lived a thousand lifetimes.
Tamara has a long list of all the people I've been. It's been strange and confusing, sometimes wonderful, and

Speaker 27 terrifying. And you're telling me that she...

Speaker 27 She could have shown up at any time through all that, and

Speaker 27 she just didn't.

Speaker 27 I wouldn't be able to do that to someone I care about, which must mean.

Speaker 26 Tarek, when I said she stuck a pin in you, that's all subconscious. She doesn't know that she did this to you.
As far as she knows, you lived and died in Jerusalem.

Speaker 27 Well, she could have come back to me then. She didn't.

Speaker 27 She left and never came back. And you think that I'm going to have some sort of

Speaker 27 fix things somehow that she may not even remember me.

Speaker 12 Tarek, it's been 700 years for you,

Speaker 15 not her.

Speaker 12 But I get it. You can't imagine treating someone this way, not someone you truly love.

Speaker 12 We want people to love us the same way we love them.

Speaker 12 You wanted her to stay, and she didn't.

Speaker 26 She left you.

Speaker 12 And the easiest thing to say is that she never loved or cared about you at all, and you feel that way because you would never do that to her. You'd never leave her.

Speaker 15 I wouldn't.

Speaker 12 You can't hold her to that

Speaker 12 because she's not you. Everybody's different and everybody loves differently.
It's hard to understand that about people, but you can't demand that people act like you.

Speaker 26 She wrote you a letter saying she was turning into a monster. She couldn't let you see that.

Speaker 12 And maybe she didn't come back because she wasn't done being a monster.

Speaker 12 But I think she's just about done with it.

Speaker 12 I think she's about to stop. And I think you should be there to see it.

Speaker 12 She may need you.

Speaker 12 God damn it. I know.

Speaker 32 Somebody call FEMA because the floor is lava.

Speaker 22 What the hell did y'all do out there?

Speaker 32 Floor is lava completely encapsulates Leaf as a person because it is 50% technological brilliance.

Speaker 20 And 50%

Speaker 49 total horseshit.

Speaker 19 How I like it.

Speaker 32 They'll be stuck on top of their cars for a while, and the cannon is on sentry mode, so nobody's going anywhere.

Speaker 12 I'm glad you're here, actually, because we're about to do the hard part.

Speaker 19 Okay, let's get comfortable.

Speaker 27 What is the hard part?

Speaker 15 Ava.

Speaker 12 Hi there, Tarek.

Speaker 20 Here's how this works. Clementine,

Speaker 20 just by being around, damages the fabric of space-time.

Speaker 20 And that damage manifests itself in all sorts of ways, like a mall full of zombies or asteroids that can only be seen by half the people of Earth.

Speaker 27 Wait, you're saying Ashley the asteroid was because of her?

Speaker 24 Yes.

Speaker 26 Did you see it?

Speaker 27 I saw it. Did you see it?

Speaker 12 Yes.

Speaker 26 That was her, Tarek.

Speaker 20 Jesus. Without going too much into it, Ashley the asteroid was just a byproduct of something much bigger.
And she did all of that completely by accident.

Speaker 20 She had a conversation with two astrophysicists in a pub in London, and then, suddenly in the sky, was an asteroid. How?

Speaker 20 Our current understanding is that we see this damage to space-time a lot, but Clementine's different because she's not just a victim of the damage, but can also spread the damage.

Speaker 20 Casper had a good analogy for this, Typhoid Mary.

Speaker 27 I remember those days.

Speaker 19 That's why I left New York.

Speaker 20 What we've also come to understand is that this diner, this ridiculous should-not exist place,

Speaker 20 it somehow heals the damage.

Speaker 20 And some of that damage is in you, Tarek.

Speaker 20 That damage is what made you a seven hundred year old man.

Speaker 20 If you stay with us while we wait for Clementine, the diner is going to fix that damage. If you stay here long enough, when you go back out there into

Speaker 20 whatever world you choose, you will probably start to age again for the first time in a very long time.

Speaker 19 I see.

Speaker 27 To die.

Speaker 24 Yes.

Speaker 20 To die.

Speaker 12 It's a big decision, Tarek.

Speaker 11 Just real quick, have we confirmed that once the diner heals him, the years aren't going to suddenly rush at him and turn him into dust?

Speaker 31 No, that's not going to happen.

Speaker 24 How do we know?

Speaker 20 Because that would be stupid.

Speaker 12 Well, I see.

Speaker 20 Science. You're not allowed to say science.
Nobody said you could say science.

Speaker 12 So, as you can see, this is a pretty big ask, Tarek.

Speaker 32 And we're not here to force you to do anything.

Speaker 27 to die.

Speaker 12 Look, we have several hours left of this standoff with Homeland Security.

Speaker 12 Take a minute.

Speaker 12 I'm going to go get the enchiladas out of the oven.

Speaker 12 Do you want some enchiladas?

Speaker 16 Sure.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 19 Yeah, sure.

Speaker 27 What's this?

Speaker 38 Tarek,

Speaker 38 pleased to make your acquaintance. I'm Zebulon Mucklewain, here with my wife, Effie.
Hi, Terek.

Speaker 24 What's happening right now? Oh, there's a couple of Southern Baptist ministers inside the radio, and they talk to you sometimes.

Speaker 21 Sure.

Speaker 38 This may seem a bit self-serving at first, Tarek, but I wish to frame your predicament in a certain light, so do bear with us.

Speaker 27 Self-serving how?

Speaker 48 Can you tell me of Jerusalem?

Speaker 48 Oh,

Speaker 27 it was a wonderful place.

Speaker 27 Probably the last place I felt truly at home.

Speaker 27 Back then, it was controlled by the Mamluks,

Speaker 27 Egyptians.

Speaker 27 I can't say that they returned the city to its former glory, but they did revive a tradition of sharing that Saladin brought in when he took the city back from the Christians.

Speaker 27 All faiths there were very separate, but they did manage to find a way to share the city. To worship separately, but also side by side.

Speaker 27 The image of the Tower of David framed by the sunset.

Speaker 27 I've kept that with me for seven centuries.

Speaker 27 It was a dream of mine to go there one day

Speaker 38 to walk the same path as Jesus and all the others.

Speaker 38 I admit I'm a bit envious of your memories.

Speaker 27 I thought about returning from time to time, but

Speaker 27 it wouldn't be the same.

Speaker 26 Not without her. Yeah, quick update, y'all.
Tarek and Clementine were a thing.

Speaker 19 Like a thing thing? Yeah.

Speaker 27 You sound surprised.

Speaker 32 Surprised you survived.

Speaker 48 Tarek, a while back, we met someone,

Speaker 38 a fugitive whose homeland had been destroyed. They stayed with us until a more suitable home could be found.

Speaker 40 They were a tree.

Speaker 27 I'm sorry?

Speaker 21 A tree.

Speaker 38 Their name was Shell.

Speaker 15 All right.

Speaker 38 Shell was always listening and learning from us,

Speaker 38 and from time to time had insight into our lives that would belie

Speaker 38 their youth.

Speaker 38 They once described all of us as fugitives like they were, but in a deeper, more spiritual sense.

Speaker 38 We can all recall a time when our lives seemed in harmony with the Holy Spirit, a time when our lives seemed to keep pace with the Sun and there was a blessed synchronicity in all things.

Speaker 55 And then

Speaker 38 we can all recall that time

Speaker 38 ending.

Speaker 38 We each have our own Garden of Eden and are, all of us, cast out from it. And we spend the rest of our time on earth trying to somehow return to that place.

Speaker 38 And that journey back becomes a life

Speaker 55 in full.

Speaker 38 Perhaps, just perhaps,

Speaker 38 the gates are beginning to swing wide on your Garden of Eden, Tarek.

Speaker 38 Perhaps our presence here is that very rare

Speaker 38 call to come back home.

Speaker 27 I imagine if I saw Jerusalem or Clementine again, it wouldn't be the same.

Speaker 27 So much has changed.

Speaker 27 It wouldn't feel like coming back home.

Speaker 41 Well, I imagine you were able to get a bit of reading done over the centuries, Tarek.

Speaker 27 I was. Any T.

Speaker 61 S. Elliot?

Speaker 27 Oh, I see.

Speaker 27 And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started.

Speaker 38 And to know that place for the first time.

Speaker 27 There's this embarrassing part of myself that I've never been able to shake.

Speaker 27 Over the centuries I've become cynical about so many things, and yet

Speaker 27 somewhere deep down is still that medieval romantic

Speaker 27 that part of me that would give

Speaker 27 anything just to see your face again.

Speaker 27 Well, that's nothing to be embarrassed about, Tarek.

Speaker 40 We're all a bunch of cynics here.

Speaker 41 It's a breath of fresh air to hear someone just say what they're feeling without any of the nonsense that's usually wrapped around it.

Speaker 12 Enchiladas on the counter, everybody.

Speaker 12 So, what's it going to be, Tarek?

Speaker 27 Casper, why did you send me that message? What did you expect me to do?

Speaker 17 Okay, look, we've got 12 hours every time we stop, and we have to make decisions on the fly. Sometimes we don't make the best decisions.

Speaker 9 Sometimes I don't make the best decisions.

Speaker 10 I was winging it.

Speaker 15 I don't know.

Speaker 5 At first, I was wondering if you were another Clementine, that there were two of her out there.

Speaker 7 But then I thought,

Speaker 39 what if you were just a guy?

Speaker 39 Just a guy in medieval Jerusalem who stumbled into Clementine one day and then all of a sudden had no expiration date?

Speaker 14 What if he's wandering out there, confused?

Speaker 5 What if he

Speaker 9 feels alone?

Speaker 39 What if he feels the years piling up on him?

Speaker 46 What if it's driving him crazy?

Speaker 11 I have some experience with this.

Speaker 46 Human beings aren't built for a lot of years like that.

Speaker 2 I.

Speaker 46 I wondered if you needed a hand.

Speaker 46 I wondered if maybe you wanted off the merry-go-round.

Speaker 20 What are you talking about?

Speaker 12 We can't know what this is like for you, Tarik. You need to ask yourself if it's time.

Speaker 15 Well,

Speaker 27 this is the first time in about 200 years that I haven't been bored. So.

Speaker 27 yes, I'll do it.

Speaker 3 Good. Excellent.

Speaker 39 You're gonna love getting old, Tarek.

Speaker 20 Like you would know. Uh, uh, attention in the building.

Speaker 43 Uh, I can see you all in there.

Speaker 42 Are you are you having enchilada?

Speaker 41 I need to talk to this one, too. Casper, put us up by the microphone at the cash register.

Speaker 15 Here we go.

Speaker 24 Damn, I forgot they were there.

Speaker 40 I would like to talk to Sarah, please.

Speaker 40 Sarah, get on the horse.

Speaker 56 Hello?

Speaker 38 Hello, Sarah.

Speaker 40 This is Effie Mucklewain.

Speaker 56 Who? Sarah,

Speaker 40 what are you doing with this life of yours, dear?

Speaker 44 What what

Speaker 43 am I doing with my life?

Speaker 40 That is my question, yes.

Speaker 62 I'm

Speaker 43 I'm an agent for the Department of Homeland Security.

Speaker 40 That is a title, Sarah.

Speaker 40 What are you doing?

Speaker 43 I'm in charge of security for a specialized You're taking people and locking them in cages.

Speaker 40 Isn't that right?

Speaker 62 I mean,

Speaker 40 yeah. Is this how you imagined it all working out for you, Sarah?

Speaker 44 Well,

Speaker 43 no.

Speaker 38 Sarah, Zebulon Muckleway in here.

Speaker 57 From time to time, we'll meet a person such as yourself. A person whose life has been interrupted and somehow seems to be trapped in the interruption itself.

Speaker 47 No life is devoid of interruption.

Speaker 38 You follow a path, and from time to time, the path evades you.

Speaker 57 But after a moment, with a bit of fortitude, the path re-emerges. However, some people's lives can be consumed by that in-between place.

Speaker 57 The path disappears, and they forget, at times, that it ever existed in the first place.

Speaker 40 Is that what's happened with you, Sarah?

Speaker 40 You don't seem to us the type to carry around a weapon and shout at folks. I

Speaker 62 don't know. I.

Speaker 62 I was studying linguistics at Northwestern, and my profile ended up on somebody's desk, and now I'm

Speaker 43 stranded on top of a suburban yelling into a megaphone.

Speaker 40 Just as you imagined it would be, I reckon. Yeah, sure.

Speaker 12 I'm sorry. Who are you? We should get her in here.
Yeah.

Speaker 24 Let's have a talk with her.

Speaker 12 Oh, hey, Effie.

Speaker 20 Tell her we're ready to negotiate, but only with her.

Speaker 55 Sounds good.

Speaker 40 Sarah, we are ready to negotiate, but only with you, Sears.

Speaker 20 And tell her she has to pull back the barricade.

Speaker 40 And you gotta pull back your goon squad as well. They are making us nervous.
Okay.

Speaker 38 Okay, okay, good.

Speaker 62 Um, think you're making the right choice.

Speaker 42 I, uh.

Speaker 42 I can't get off my car.

Speaker 38 Life.

Speaker 15 Right.

Speaker 15 Sarah,

Speaker 45 I'm temporarily shutting off the electrified

Speaker 45 ground thing.

Speaker 49 Okay. What are we doing?

Speaker 12 We're seeing if she wants some enchiladas. We don't want to be rude.
Everyone, uh, back in your vehicles. Uh, pull back the line to the main road.

Speaker 62 Uh, I'm I'm going in to negotiate.

Speaker 2 Sarah seems a little high-strung.

Speaker 9 How much do we want to make her brain explode?

Speaker 12 Maybe just a little.

Speaker 63 I'm on arms.

Speaker 12 Hi. Nice to meet you face to face, Sarah.
Casper, get her some enchiladas.

Speaker 32 Agent Murphy, would you like red sauce or green sauce?

Speaker 62 I have no idea.

Speaker 12 Green sauce.

Speaker 17 Green sauce, it is.

Speaker 27 How are you doing, Agent Murphy?

Speaker 63 You appear to have some very interesting friends, asset seven.

Speaker 27 You can just call me Tarek.

Speaker 35 So it's true.

Speaker 15 It is.

Speaker 56 I knew it.

Speaker 20 What was your plan with him exactly? Well,

Speaker 63 if there's a plan, huh? I wasn't briefed on it. I just know that a lot of people were very interested in a man who happened to be alive since the 14th century.

Speaker 27 It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Speaker 18 Enchiladas with green sauce.

Speaker 12 Have a seat, Sarah. We're supposed to be negotiating.
This is how I negotiate.

Speaker 48 Okay.

Speaker 26 Hi. You've You've never negotiated a standoff situation before, have you?

Speaker 24 No.

Speaker 63 It was part of my training, but this situation is

Speaker 63 a little outside of my training parameters.

Speaker 63 Seeing as how there's an unclassified heavy weapon on the roof, the ground can be randomly electrified, and there's a man who is older than steam-powered locomotion sitting at this booth.

Speaker 63 So I guess

Speaker 26 what kind of wing in it? I'm surprised you haven't called for backup yet. Where's the rest of Homeland Security?

Speaker 52 It's a problem.

Speaker 63 There's only three people in the government who know our facility actually exists. The president, the director, and for some reason, a very rich man in the UAE.

Speaker 63 That makes calling for backup a little difficult.

Speaker 63 Which is, of course, something I shouldn't have told you.

Speaker 63 Have I mentioned I've never negotiated before?

Speaker 12 Let me start off the negotiations.

Speaker 12 We're not giving up Tarek, and none of us are leaving this diner.

Speaker 52 Okay.

Speaker 63 You're just going to s stay here?

Speaker 12 Yes.

Speaker 63 How is that going to work?

Speaker 16 Oh, it works.

Speaker 63 Trust me. I don't understand.

Speaker 12 Don't worry about it. But how about you hang out here for a while so you can say you really tried as hard as you could?

Speaker 63 Well, uh, what do you plan on doing with Tarek?

Speaker 27 I think they're going to eat me.

Speaker 12 That's the plan, yes.

Speaker 26 They say aged meat is the best.

Speaker 63 Why are you all treating this like it's a joke?

Speaker 63 You are surrounded by Homeland Security.

Speaker 49 Are we? Still not surrounded.

Speaker 26 Agent Murphy, let me get something straight. We're in big trouble.

Speaker 12 You are?

Speaker 26 For breaking into a government facility.

Speaker 26 Yes. That no one knows exists?

Speaker 26 Yes. How are you going to arrest us for breaking into a place that doesn't exist?

Speaker 10 Huh.

Speaker 32 Take it from me. If you operate outside the law, you don't get the protection of it.

Speaker 63 I'm sure there's some sort of

Speaker 63 something they would do.

Speaker 26 I'm sure that something would be throwing us in a deep, dark hole like they did with Tarek.

Speaker 12 I don't know, Sarah. I feel like that just wouldn't sit right with you.

Speaker 63 Well,

Speaker 63 what am I supposed to do?

Speaker 19 Quit your job.

Speaker 20 I can't quit my job. Your job sucks, though.

Speaker 15 It doesn't sure it does.

Speaker 63 Everyone's job sucks.

Speaker 39 That's what everyone says when they know they should quit their job.

Speaker 63 I did not come here for career advice. What is happening?

Speaker 63 You are all in a very huge amount of trouble.

Speaker 49 Oh, we got trouble.

Speaker 20 Right here in River City.

Speaker 63 Stop making jokes.

Speaker 54 They can't.

Speaker 32 With a capital T, and that rhymes with P, and that stands for pool.

Speaker 20 That stands for pool.

Speaker 12 A little annoying sometimes.

Speaker 21 Just a bit.

Speaker 63 Yeah. Is someone talking through the radio?

Speaker 12 Don't worry about it, Sarah. Listen, we didn't bring you in here to negotiate.
We brought you in here because we felt a little bad. I think you're out of your element a little, don't you?

Speaker 15 Huh?

Speaker 63 Should have gone for my master's in linguistics.

Speaker 12 Well, that's debatable, but definitely not the head of security for a super illegal black site.

Speaker 26 Maybe not. Maybe somewhere in between those two.

Speaker 32 Hey, Gloria, we're about to turn into a pumpkin.

Speaker 12 Okay, it's time to go.

Speaker 26 I'm calling my right. Go.

Speaker 24 Go where?

Speaker 12 I'd explain it, but we're short on time. What?

Speaker 12 Just tell them that you tried to negotiate. The negotiations broke down, and now you're just waiting for the SWAT team or whatever.

Speaker 63 This is ridiculous.

Speaker 12 Yes, maybe take that attitude towards most things.

Speaker 26 My chopper's coming down in the parking lot. I'm headed out.

Speaker 27 Wait, what?

Speaker 63 I can't just let you fly away after all this.

Speaker 26 You left your gun outside. What are you gonna do? Subdue me with your 115-pound selfie?

Speaker 63 Ah, to hell with it. Tarek?

Speaker 19 Yes.

Speaker 63 Really?

Speaker 63 700 years?

Speaker 24 Yes.

Speaker 63 Anything you learned that you want to share with a confused 34-year-old?

Speaker 27 I learned a lot of things.

Speaker 27 But then I learned that most of those things were

Speaker 15 bullshit. Okay.

Speaker 41 Looks like this is it.

Speaker 32 It was great to see you again, Tamara.

Speaker 26 It was great to see y'all. You changed my life.
I would have been bored off my ass if you hadn't come around. You take care of yourself, Tamara.
Go with God.

Speaker 12 I always do. I'll walk you out.
I'll come too.

Speaker 49 What are you doing?

Speaker 19 I'm going to help the helicopter land.

Speaker 12 How?

Speaker 17 I don't know by waving.

Speaker 15 I'll be right back.

Speaker 2 Casper! What?

Speaker 20 You are having the time of your life.

Speaker 20 I'm telling you while it's happening.

Speaker 20 Just so you know.

Speaker 13 Good to know.

Speaker 32 Hey, so interesting thought of the day.

Speaker 32 We wanted to talk to Tarek, and the diner took us right to him.

Speaker 19 Yeah.

Speaker 32 This place is listening to us.

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 20 What? He's thinking about leaving.

Speaker 19 Casper?

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 32 How do you know?

Speaker 20 Things he's been saying.

Speaker 32 He said he wanted to see this through with Clementine.

Speaker 20 And when we're done?

Speaker 32 Well, if that's the case.

Speaker 19 If that's the case,

Speaker 32 then that's the case.

Speaker 20 He's a fucking idiot.

Speaker 15 Ava, look.

Speaker 32 You tracked this place down like a bloodhound.

Speaker 32 I was on the run from everyone, including myself, and was thrilled to find this place.

Speaker 32 Gloria was able to stand there at the door and make a conscious decision to stay or go.

Speaker 32 Casper just came in to use the phone.

Speaker 32 And then 173 years went by.

Speaker 16 Maybe it's a little different for him.

Speaker 12 You know, Tamara, Clementine has fucked this world up pretty bad. It may be past the point of no return.
Are you sure you don't want to come with us? Find a new place to be?

Speaker 26 I've been thinking about it all day. Might be nice.
Start fresh in a new world? It's tempting. One problem in a brand new world?

Speaker 15 What?

Speaker 33 I'm not rich there.

Speaker 19 I like being rich.

Speaker 12 It does look nice.

Speaker 26 This is my world. I'm going to write it out until the end.
Somebody should be there to see it.

Speaker 12 I get it.

Speaker 26 Thank you, Gloria.

Speaker 12 Thank you.

Speaker 23 Here comes.

Speaker 33 Do you want a job? What? Do you want a job?

Speaker 54 Working for you?

Speaker 33 Yes. Doing what?

Speaker 26 Whatever. We'll think of something.

Speaker 26 Yes!

Speaker 26 Yes, I do! All right. well, leave the badge, but take the gun.

Speaker 33 It might come in handy. Okay.

Speaker 33 It's been a really weird day. Get used to it.

Speaker 11 If we end up doing Christmas this year, I'm putting cool helicopter at the top of my list.

Speaker 12 No, you're not, because it's at the top of mine.

Speaker 14 This is fun.

Speaker 12 It was.

Speaker 17 I got to use the laser saw.

Speaker 12 I love that thing.

Speaker 18 Oh, shit.

Speaker 12 Go get Tara.

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 12 Clementine, stop.

Speaker 12 Listen to me. I know you're feeling a lot of things right now.

Speaker 20 I need your help.

Speaker 20 What? What?

Speaker 12 What is it? Clementine, what's wrong?

Speaker 27 Clementine.

Speaker 2 Territory.

Speaker 2 Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all.

Speaker 61 Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

Speaker 55 And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember, we're out there, somewhere, looking for you.

Speaker 22 We open at six.

Speaker 5 Midnight Burger is made possible in part by your Monte Cristo level and above supporters: Wilson, Billy, Bert Bert, Bethany, Second Bethany, Megan Mighty, Siobhan Delilah Rose, Dan Bowman, Big Sexy, Casper's Number One Fan, Stu, Tess Bart, Nan McVicker, Rusty Accord, A Bug Named Nat, Mothra Stewart, Hicks Bezi Mates, Daniel L., Mitzi Lou, Life is Liminal, The Art Sherpa, G.

Speaker 3 Longhorn, Lucrezia, Amy Pollard, Zehoni Vida, Brick Hausdorff, The Waiting Pool Pirates, Past Prologue, Little Ball of Odd, Dr.

Speaker 3 Punt Gusher Esquire, Stepan, Chelsea G, Lydia Kinworthy, Tanya Ricardo, Mel Momberg, The Mac Truck, Cosmic Shrug, Osvaldo Simeoni, Will Goliou, Kingpin, Nespell, Boodles, Rashmi Vinkatesh, Rubius Fuzzlebutt, Miss Chris Still Making Sandwiches, Hot Plate of Biscuits and Gravy, Banshee Ranch, Victor in Cincinnati, Bacon, Kurt Bartnick, Russell Bunny, Tom Webster,

Speaker 3 D. Fox, Matt Mosby, Nicole Colangello, J.

Speaker 7 Way Mythical, The Real Dirt Fairy, Haya Buddha, Rubies, Lady Karma, Amar J.

Speaker 13 Dibble, Stephanie Sturgis, The Dread Pirate Fred Fredberger, Daniel Caprit, Ryan Ortega, Rogue, Liz Laser Eyes, Ivy, Raphael S.K., Cole, Your Favorite Kenny, Reaper, Black Squirrel, SCRB Mark 11, Robert Oliveri, Adrian Ramirez, Berserking Off, Hayward's Finest Garen Elizondo, Genuine Jacob, Schnoogans, Joshua Cody, Kelly Jane Dankey, Ambient Drifting Man 80, Mossy, Stephen Robin Poole, Stephen Schmidt, Crazed Bear, Pathos, Amanda Marie Cathraine, The Something Something Detective Agency, Underwater Corvid, Andrea Strick, Virgo Aries Infinity, Sir Cat Dad, The Amburgler, Velocicate, Gracefully Impaired, Petting Dogs, Crowed Nation, Scram Brulee, Jack Lane, Lola, Phantom Turtle, Chaos Squatcher, Bookstift Managed, Aaron the Optimist, Andrew Barner, Criddle, Camel Pope, Tofarius, Christian Davis, Patrick Jenkins, Clara Olson, Justine Burbank, Sonny De Anomaly, Peachy Zatowichi, The Bard with the Tuba, ALR, Chris Hancock, Dances with Burritos, Apprehensive Craig, Terrifying Genderless Space Pirate Uncle Buck, Caravan Shaker, Trinket Coralie, Disco Funkslinger, Charlie DeLambert, Deli Cruise, Edgy Steve, Incorrigible Ross, Hashtag Nissan Acura, Grilled Chicken Sando, Leira Orchid, Qualandis, Heidelberdy, Miss Mae, aka Heather Berland, Potato Nation, La Cockney Francaise, Alice Malice, Podge Art, Rudra, Starlight, Freya Titmittens, Celeste Yos, Corine Sabrantha, Weirdly Nordic Leviathan, Sean Wright, Michael Christian, Wandering Aquarius, Moldy Bred Millie, Tarvox Stormbringer, Techno Ranger Rick, Magnificent Hogbeast, Harry Fishnuts, Charmay, Kyle of Light, Brockoweenie, Theo Alex Teen, Lattice Action Figure, Flamethrower not included, Flat Dug, Sarah Farmer, Arrow of Truth, Purple Saline, The Wonderous Methazophon, Antigone Brickman, The Love Pod Podcast, Nicole23, J-Mac Diz, G.

Speaker 5 Wilsonian 407 Cheetah Go, Saren Far Beyond the Stars, Spizeringtum, Smelgus Norowitz, Samira, Xavier Sage, Blargo Blargo Blargo, Onyx Rose, Death the Kid, Max Savage, Churlington Beastcoat, Tamara Oliver, Kelsey Home, Jackie Wavelet, Marissa, Damien the Goddamn Time Lawyer, Terry, Skyland, Tim Aranetta, Magic Pony, Jay Snooston, Maggie's Yarm, Rebecca Trossel, Andrea Layton, Zealous Pragma, Mallory May, Tybalt I, Aaron Mitchell, Raven the NecoQueen, Ashley Chapel Peoples, No One Special, Melvis Gray Mystery, Alkalized Tertiary Amines, Om Vega, Codex Typo, Al Cave, Kevin Batten, Creator 67, Sono Nasuno, John Dew, Courtney DePona, John Pruitt, Justin at the Tree Cave, Ruth McCormick, Stuck in Derplahoma, It's Just Blake, Avina La, The Pearsons, Tired Pirate Muffin, J.R.

Speaker 3 The Hiker Bear, Fiona Malasy, Ravenhart, Menlor, Rachel Rachelson, Nicole Studioso, Tracy, Elspeth, Calibri, The Green Street Major, Posh Baby Rentals Florida, Jessica Shelton, Nate, Three Legs Are Perfectly Good, Sarah Murphy, Maloran, Moon Mai Salil, Noah and Katie, Late Indeed Again, Ian Herzler, Mother of Thor, Cryptessia, Anthonomale, Special K, Salazar the Dome Age, Grace Collum, Laura, Ryan Abbey, Zusana, Best Buds Danny and M, Captain Blepp, Finnegan Robert, Lord Than and Lady Sars, Ashton James, Sarah Bergenholtz, Paul A.

Speaker 16 Johnson, Hunter B, Zackinat, Big Whiskey, Talon Lawson, Nea, Cara, Ben and Jessica, Dandy Bay, Cece Ryder, The Combat Wombat, K-Mack, Rambo, the artist formerly known as Mouse Cop, Kirsten, Eli the Electrician, Adelaide Dark, Good God There Are So Many Names, Curtis Charles Sr., David Pierini, Terrified Toddler, Dalek Steve, Dancing Dog Dreams, Beatrice Bodacious, and Existentially Exhausted Bean.

Speaker 17 Midnight Burger, Chapter 30. Thangs out!

Speaker 27 I've been trapped here in a government building extrajudicial.

Speaker 18 Ah, I knew it! I knew it would happen!

Speaker 15 It's an impossible word. First blood! Oh my god!

Speaker 15 Thangs out!

Speaker 39 I put that word in, and I was like, he is gonna trip on that motherfucker.

Speaker 19 I did that

Speaker 27 privately, now I'm doing it publicly.

Speaker 15 He's not okay.

Speaker 24 Ski the Black Diamond!

Speaker 15 It's fucking.

Speaker 27 I've been trapped here in a government building extrajudicial.

Speaker 15 Fucker. Yeah.
Have you?

Speaker 27 Extrajudicial. Have you? Extrajudicial.

Speaker 20 Extra what?

Speaker 19 Extrajudicially.

Speaker 27 Extrajudicially.

Speaker 15 I don't know if that games are. It's very, very difficult for

Speaker 15 you.

Speaker 27 Extrajudicially.

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 16 It's a black belt word. We can all handle it.

Speaker 15 We're going to be great.

Speaker 27 I've been trapped here in a government building extrajudicial.

Speaker 30 Listen.

Speaker 27 Extrajudicially.

Speaker 30 Okay, all right, all right.

Speaker 27 I've been trapped here in a government building extra judicial.

Speaker 30 Okay, here's a

Speaker 32 way great.

Speaker 19 Elongate the word, right?

Speaker 27 Stretch it out as a extra judicially.

Speaker 15 Aha. Love it.
Do it like that. Brilliant.
Yeah.

Speaker 27 I've been trapped here in a government building extrajudicially. Woo! Woo!

Speaker 24 I mean, that's what throat coat tea is for.

Speaker 22 So there you go.

Speaker 26 I've been looking for you.

Speaker 26 I hired historians. I paid off local officials.
I went to Kyrgyzstan. I am so sorry.

Speaker 22 Is it Kyrgyzstan?

Speaker 22 Kyrgyzstan. Okay, okay.

Speaker 26 I try not to burp directly into the microphone, so my apologies. I'm gonna find it and edit it out because no, absolutely not.

Speaker 20 Even calling it a summit.

Speaker 12 Why?

Speaker 20 I feel like homeland secure. Nope.

Speaker 27 Tamara, let me stop you right there.

Speaker 27 I've been trapped here in a government building extra judicial

Speaker 17 here. We go.
Welcome back, everybody.

Speaker 15 Yeah. On the next episode of Fiction Judicially.

Speaker 15 Woo! All the evidence you're about

Speaker 22 the Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

Speaker 35 This is I reporting. He's at the Lao Chong restaurant, Chongchun, northeastern China.
It's spring 1997.

Speaker 35 Once it started, I'll leave him in Ming's hands.

Speaker 35 That's a joke.

Speaker 12 Ming doesn't have heads.

Speaker 21 And what do you do exactly?

Speaker 59 Besides dance with strangers?

Speaker 2 I work for the Postal Service.

Speaker 21 You're a

Speaker 15 postman.

Speaker 22 We are, right?

Speaker 55 We are right.

Speaker 21 Ms. Clotier, what is it?

Speaker 12 It's just a bit strange.

Speaker 26 A letter for me from Hong Kong?

Speaker 26 And there's no stamp.

Speaker 7 I need stamps to write a dead person?

Speaker 26 Yep, there's a cost.

Speaker 8 How much?

Speaker 21 A pound.

Speaker 2 A pound of flesh? A pound of you.

Speaker 15 That seems like a lot.

Speaker 2 Lift up your shirt! What's that?

Speaker 2 Just hold this tube over your stomach!

Speaker 48 We We are solar!

Speaker 48 What?

Speaker 48 Nothing!

Speaker 26 The very worst thing that could possibly happen.

Speaker 27 Sada, please write back.

Speaker 64 If your letter can find me here, then I think we have a lot to talk about.

Speaker 59 Saludos.

Speaker 64 Raul.

Speaker 60 The very worst thing that could possibly happen.

Speaker 60 An audio drama in nine parts produced by Wolf of the Door Studios.

Speaker 21 Out now.

Speaker 60 For more information, please visit wlfdr.com.