Mission to Convynnce

Hey everyone, it's Seth, aka Nermit Bundaloy, here to introduce our newest monthly episode leading up to the Young Old Derf Chronicles, which will premiere later this year.

In these monthly episodes, we take suggestions and ideas from our Maximum Fun supporters over on the Mission to Zix Discord, and we use those ideas to create the first and final episode of a purportedly ongoing podcast.

This one, the 2 versus 2 debate show

Mission to convince.

It's a really fun one.

Before that, a quick reminder, but an exciting reminder, that we are going to do a live show, our first live show in more than two years, on Saturday, June 7th in New York City, and also live streamed globally to wherever you may be.

We are so excited that we're going to be back on stage together performing.

We really hope you can make it.

You can find the ticket link for the live in-person tickets in New York City and also the live stream tickets.

You can find that link at missiontosix.space or in the show notes of this very episode.

Speaking of which, here it is.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, welcome once again to our first, last, and only episode of the 2 versus 2 debate show, Mission to Convince, where your four hosts pair up to argue important issues of the day.

Well, let's meet the debaters.

Let's go around the horn.

I'm Alden Ford.

My qualifications for debate are that I am absolutely terrible at confrontation and I fold at the slightest provocation if someone tells me I'm wrong about something.

It's a real problem for me, honestly.

I'm really bad at fighting, arguing, explaining,

being succinct.

Basically, every discipline important for debate, I'm truly terrible at.

So that's my qualification.

Who's next?

I'm Winston.

And I think that I'm not very good at debating either.

I think that my core argument will probably boil down to what?

You think you're better than me?

Wow, okay.

Wow.

Coming in hot already.

We haven't even started.

Great.

Welcome, Winston.

Welcome.

Thank you.

I'm Mujan.

I'm 5'1.

Are we doing heights?

We should do heights.

We should do heights.

We should do heights.

You're right.

We should be doing heights.

I'm a strong five-foot-one.

And in high school, I won best defense attorney in the Contra Costa County for mock trial two years running.

Okay, so

you do have debate.

But I destroyed.

Okay, well great.

But is it debate though?

Is that the should we do mock trial versus debate?

Should we do a debate about whether mock attorneys are on the table?

In a way, I had to debate if someone had to get like, I don't know, lethal.

Boy, no, I had to debate a question.

Yeah, what are the cases you're trying to see in a huge?

No, I don't remember.

There was murder.

Don't worry about it.

How many murderers, high school murderers, did you get off?

Two years running.

Best defense attorney.

That's all I'll say.

Wow, that's really congratulations.

They pay for it.

Then your third year playing Susan Prosecution for Susan.

That's right.

I forgot about it.

Yep.

Yep.

Justin Tyler,

I have spent many years fighting with Alden and horribly intimidating him with very little to say.

I'm loud at bars and like a bear can be intimidated if you take on a large size.

Well, I'm the person who plays dead when a bear is around.

That's my defense.

That's why we're a great friend.

There you go.

I think I run in zigzags, which is alligators.

Yeah, that's not.

Wait.

Alligators, you run in zigzags?

Do alligators run?

I feel like just running from an alligator is good enough.

That's all you need.

Alligators are

quite fast, but they can only move in

straight lines.

They can't, because think about their legs.

They can't like twist.

So if you can, if you can.

I think you're supposed to run across alligators like logs to get away.

Well, when you can't do that.

Again,

save this for the debate dais or whatever it's fucking called.

Can I add one more qualification?

I feel like

you've already intimidated this.

You're the only one trying to have any sort of experience.

Again, I'm 5'1.

But I also recently convinced my elderly parents to drink coffee regularly for the first time in their lives.

They called it a drug.

To drink coffee.

They believed it was a drug.

They believed it was a drug for a long time, and now they're in it and they're deep in it.

Great.

They're addicted to it.

That's a debate I'm not sure you should have had, but congratulations.

So, for those of you who've never seen this non-existent show before, let me just tell you how it's going to work.

We are going to be debating a number of topics this evening, all of which have been submitted by listeners over on our Mission to Zix Discord.

If you're not a member, you should be and could be.

It's open to supporters on Maximum Fun.

You'll get the link and you'll get to be part of this great community of funny people who make great suggestions for silly debates.

Also, during the debate, this is something we've never done, but I'm very excited about, we are going to be receiving verdicts from the Discord as we debate.

There are several people here in this Peanut Gallery listening to us.

It's Mujahon's high school class.

Yes, it's Mujah's parents.

Mujan's parents, a bunch of teen murderers.

Her parents are hopped up right now.

They're ready to debate.

She loses.

She lose her?

So, after each debate, we are going to give 60 seconds to the peanut gallery to decide what the verdict is, which team has won the debate, and we will announce that after each debate.

Now, Winston and I will start the debate on team affirmative.

And Justin and Mujan will start the first debate on team negative.

Because we may be going against our beliefs a lot over the course of this.

Yeah, that's what debate's all about.

It's about how well you can argue any point.

That's what exactly.

Like, as if you're in high school and you know that person is guilty.

Right.

Bujan defended.

Bujan, again, you've defended.

Bujan defended Diddy in high school mock crime.

You don't know.

You don't know.

You don't know.

Let's weigh in on that.

That's a first subject, right?

No, dear.

So anyways, it's going to work.

We're going to introduce our resolution statement, and then each debater will get 60 seconds to argue their case in their opening arguments, followed by 60 seconds each of cross-examination,

followed by some shouting, followed by our closing statements which are again 60 seconds each the shouting the shouting portion since it's all four four of us will be two minutes long

all right so

let's get started well that's not really up for debate the stuff watches a shout out

all right so without further ado let's get started our first topic was submitted by Discord listener power line resolution statement incoming.

It was ethical for Dave Saville to use the chipmunks to try to get a producer contract.

Once again, Winston and I are arguing in favor.

For it's right, we're talking about the Alvin and the Chipmunks campaign.

I think we should be a little more.

I'm sorry, you're not familiar with David Mmm.

You're really leading with Dave Seville.

Did you do no research, Justin?

Research?

Do you not know who Dave Saville is?

I mean, to lead to Alvin.

How did you know that was his last name?

Let me rank the interesting characters in Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Dave Saville, followed by Simon Theodore, and lastly, Alvin.

Of course, that's okay.

Let's say you save it, Justin.

Again, resolution statement.

It was ethical for Dave Saville of Alvin and the Chipmunks to use the Chipmunks.

Once again, thank you, Justin.

Alvin, Simon, and Theodore to try to get a producer contract.

We will first hear statements in the affirmative.

Here is Winston Noll.

You have 60 seconds.

Go.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have all encountered in our various travails

children who are entertainers, who are actors, musicians.

Many of those times, most of the times, in fact,

they have an interest and

that interest is pursued.

You know, David Seville never said that he wanted to be an actor or musician himself, but

he found these chipmunks.

He was a foster father.

He was a father to these chipmunks when nobody else was.

And when they showed that they had musical aptitude, he fostered that for them,

giving them pop songs to warble to.

G.I.

Wanna hula hoop.

Who you think a kid came up with that?

No, he came up with that.

He was a writer that wanted to secure his family's future.

And what are we at?

20 seconds?

59 seconds.

Congratulations.

You made it.

I don't think so, honey.

Thank you.

Thank you.

All right.

60 seconds on the clock for Alden Ford in arguing the affirmative.

Thank you, Winston.

I agree.

Dave Saville, Ross Bagdazarian, as he is also known, was not only a kindly and supportive father figure to Alvin and the Chipmunks, but if any of us are familiar with the lyrics of any of the Alvin and Chipmunks songs,

you will notice that they are full of nothing.

Nothing, if not eagerness, if not happiness, hope, for a hula hoop, for a plane that loops the the loop, for Christmas to come at any point, especially early.

And I think we can all agree that Dave, or David Seville, in spite of, yes, an occasional scream on a hot mic

towards his adoptive children,

can truly

be considered

a pioneer not only of children's entertainment, of animal talent, and of

a found family, you might say, adoptive, talented children.

Thank you very much.

All right.

That concludes the opening affirmative arguments.

Now we have 60 seconds on the clock for Mujan Zulfagari.

Alvin and the chickmunks.

We've spent years, generations, believing this was a story of a family full of love.

But let's look at the most basic of facts.

What do we know most about Dave Seville?

The fact that he yells every single day at his own adopted quote-unquote children?

Alvin, this is the truest form of parent-to-child abuse.

And yet, we have allowed this to happen because we think animals are cute.

I ask you here right now: where are the Alvins and the Chickmunks today?

Nowhere.

And where is Dave?

Sitting mighty and high on top of an estate in the Black Hawk Mountains

in California.

Thank you so much.

Blackhawk Mountains.

You have 10 seconds, Mujan.

And that is exactly why I believe today Dave Seville should be in jail.

I turn it over to my co-defend, prosecute Getty.

Okay, time's up.

Justin, right back into it.

60 seconds on the clock, Justin.

Thank you, Mujan.

That was an excellent defense, an excellent proof point about Mr.

David Seville, who, as we know, is operating under an alias.

Why?

Because he knows that he does wrong.

He is a basket case with anger management problems who entrapped

three brothers who were just trying to get theirself up, get out there, meet the chip hats, and go have a life together.

And instead, they are forced to sing songs that they have their own creative vision that they are being stifled with, forced to sing about their wants and needs because they are deprived chipmunks.

I mean, and let's just go to the fact that they are, how are they paid for their work?

Money.

And what do chipmunks need?

Nuts.

If they were paid in nuts, then Dave Saville would have been doing the service that you on the other side of this debate claim that he's doing.

But in fact, he is taking advantage of just the most high-pitched songbirds of the rodent kingdom, the chipmunk.

And he can't even

tell him apart.

He makes him an album wear an A.

Thank you, negative.

We are now going to rotate.

60 seconds on the clock for cross-examination.

What a, oh, what a display.

What a display from the negative over here,

claiming that Alvin and his incredibly successful friends are the victims here in some regard.

Justin, didn't by your own admission, you say that Alvin is by far the most popular of them, second to Simon, who in third, Theodore, and in a distant fourth, a distant fourth is Dave Saville, also known as Ross Bagdazarin.

Is there any way that Ross or Dave Saville would ever take advantage of his children knowing full well that he has the least talent and the least stage presence and the least charisma of the four of them?

What does he stand to gain from that?

Also, I would like to point out that

yelling at your child in the 60s was about as friendly as you could get, honestly.

That was about as good as you were able to treat your children in the 60s.

It could have been a lot worse.

And uh, I would point out that he doesn't do that to his other, uh, more well-behaved chipmunk children.

Okay, I'll turn it over to my partner, Winson.

Oh, yeah, you just thinked him.

Good, good.

You know what?

While we're at it, we've been tiptoeing around something right now, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it.

Talking chipmunks are fucking freaks.

Why would anybody, if you saw one on the side of the road, you would just turn the car and hit it?

Dave Seville

rotten Winston.

Hold on, hold on,

I'm taking it from you.

You're the

yelling at a child is okay because it was the 60s.

Listen, listen.

It's creepy as hell.

And he took these children in and raised them when most society would have cast them out.

And also, these children aren't able to fend for themselves.

They're like, Christmas, don't be late.

It's never late.

It's always on the 25th.

These children were

incapacitated and freaks.

And this man brought them in and again, nurtured them, fostered them, taught them a trade,

and made them the success they are.

Whether or not they were smuggling dolls that had cash and diamonds in them in the movie.

Oh, yeah, the diamond dolls.

Yeah.

The diamond dolls.

They were able to pilot a series of

hot air balloons.

Thank you.

Bad parenting?

All right.

Okay.

Now we have the negative cross-examination of the affirmative.

We could start with Justin this time.

The affirmative team seems to want to claim, and they do seem to have a working knowledge of not only the animated show, but also one or two squeaquels.

But I will say that they seem to be resting their defense on in the 60s you could do whatever you wanted to your kids, including being...

Am I wrong?

Am I wrong?

And the other affirmative is saying,

he should have killed them when he met them.

And he did a favor by making them pop stars.

Gentlemen,

I will let the listeners decide that for themselves.

but I will also add to it: if he truly wanted success for them, he would make them successful in the chipmunk world.

He would have them be singing chipmunk songs.

Instead, he's making them sing human songs about Judeo-Christian religions.

When, of course, there's a chipmunk religion that he's ignoring, which is probably what they're practicing in secret because they're cultural.

Oh, I'm sorry, could you enlighten us?

Could you enlighten us just as to what the name of the chipmunk religion is?

Huh?

Well, it worships an acorn Jesus that turns regular worship.

Well, you just

got in a whole new area.

Moojan's turn.

Moojan's turn.

I believe Acorn Jesus out of this, all right?

I am a believer.

Mooji on your neck.

Here we go.

All right.

Now, moments before, Alden Ford, who stands here and speaks to you, looking you straight in your eye, told you that the chickmunks would have songs about things that they wanted.

What a wonderful thing that was.

They wanted hula hoops.

They wanted Christmas.

Isn't that exactly what they wanted in life?

Something?

And did they ever get it?

No.

Let's take a look at some of the other songs that they had.

One was called Bad Day.

Wow.

Another one was called Tragic.

Southside.

What does that mean?

Another was called Working on the Railroad.

What?

Uptown Funk.

Wow.

Where did they have to go to have a little bit of joy in their life?

Bruno Mars.

Are you reading reading the Bruno Mars discography?

I love that they did.

I've been working on the railroad and up tech fuck.

Great, great A-side, B-side.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Another song is called Bring It On.

It seems like they were trying to test Dave to be like, what else you got, Dave, in your abusive relationship of a fodder.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Mushan.

Time's up.

But fortunately, we have now entered our two-minute shouting at each other phase.

All things go.

We can start that two-minute timer right now.

Can you name all of the different qualities of the three chipmunks?

You name three of their albums?

Absolutely.

You name three of them?

Their albums?

You're such a fan?

Can you guys name where were the where are the parents?

Where are chipmunks?

We literally, Dave is the parent.

That's

why is he the parent?

Did he even look to see if their other actual

insinuating that he killed the chipmunks' parents?

Is that what we're doing?

That's a no-brainer.

That head out of your mouth.

That's out of your mouth, Winston.

You're saying it, not me.

The defense rests.

You guys closing arguments.

There's a lot of.

Yeah, no, we're resting now.

That's how confident we are.

There's a lot of photos of Dave wearing a very conspicuous adult chipmunk hat that he clearly killed and skinned the parents and was wearing kinks.

No, not kink shaming.

He murdered their parents and turned them into a hat that he wears.

You call that a kink?

I will shame that kink.

That's adamant.

That's a conjecture.

That's an ad hominem.

All chipmunks look the same.

There's no way to.

There's no way to kill the kids.

I've been kidding any chipmunks, but that wasn't.

It's pretty not cool.

They all look the same.

And also, when's the last time you heard about any chickmunks having access to banks?

Where is the money?

And I will say, my partner does keep saying chickmunks, which may undercut, it may undercut our stance.

But that is the original pronunciation of chipmunk, as foretold by Acorn Jesus, was chickmunk.

And yes, we have adapted to your Western understanding of it.

They're called chipettes, First of all, they're not called chickmunks.

That's that's outdated and rude.

Interesting.

Interesting that we've completely made the chipettes invisible in this conversation.

Interesting.

I brought up the chips.

All chickmunks are women.

All chickmunks are women.

Thank you.

That can't be right.

That can't be true.

Well, it's true.

That is true.

And that's our king as a team.

Thank you.

You know who never saw that?

Dave.

Wow.

That's two minutes.

Two minutes is up.

Winston and I now have 30 seconds at the same time to do our closing arguments.

Beginning now.

Dave was a good father, brought them in, taught them a trade, made them successful.

Yeah, also, let's go back to the original premise of this question, of this statement.

It was ethical for him to use the chipmunks to try to get a producer contract.

Didn't they also get recording contracts?

Didn't they benefit from it just as much or more than Dave?

Who wants a producer contract?

Getting a recording contract as a recording artist, isn't that the brass ring?

And I think we've we've firmly established Alvin and his two loving brothers have received that.

If love doesn't fit, you have to acquit.

You don't even know the names of the other two chipmunks.

None of them.

Simon and Theodore.

Simon was the moody one, and Theodore is the short,

sort of, you know, more sort of kind of rotund one.

Wow.

For our closing statement.

30 seconds starts now.

For our closing statement, Justin, I believe we should read out loud the lyrics of the song with you as Dave and me as the others.

Yes.

In the real tone that it was actually said.

All right, you chipmunks, ready to sing your song?

I see who we are.

Yeah, that's it.

Sing it now.

Okay, Simon.

Okay.

Okay, Theodore.

Okay.

Okay, Alvin?

Alvin?

Alvin!

Wow, 30 seconds is up.

That was the biggest indictment of all.

Also, all chipmunks are women.

All right, we'll now take 30 seconds and let the peanut gallery decide.

I'm going to say.

Acorn gallery.

The Acorn Gallery.

You have 30 seconds to vote.

I got to say, I'm pretty far down the old river in the comedy entertainment career, but if being a lawyer is doing stuff like this, I'm in.

I'm going to go to law school.

Right.

Mujan, as the only one who's the one who's had the closest taste to it, is this kind of what it is?

Oh, hell yeah, guys.

Mock trial was lit.

Wow, mock trial was lit.

Definitely write that statement.

Yeah.

That feels like something somebody wrote in your yearbook.

Yeah.

Hey, yo, mock trial was lit.

Too bad we didn't have French together this year.

Anyway, I'm in high school jail because I murdered someone and you couldn't get me off.

Yeah.

Guys, the votes are in.

The negatives have won by a vote of six to four.

So congratulations.

Also,

we have a verdict from Powerline themselves.

Powerline who submitted this resolution, who says, I think both sides had majority bad points, but overall, a firm team fumbled.

Apologies.

Okay, great.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, we'll take that.

We'll take that feedback.

Thank you.

I like that the question asker is essentially the final judge.

Yeah.

Thank you for that feedback.

We'll hold space for that feedback.

Thank you.

Wow.

What a humbling decision by the Peanut Gallery.

But the right.

But I mean, honestly, I think I would agree.

We're going to move on now.

We are going to ask.

Child abuse is okay, is where we went wrong.

You guys both really fumbled the second round.

Child abuse is okay, especially when it's freaks.

You should have killed those freaks.

Any normal person would have killed those gymnasts.

Ground them in a sack.

Okay.

All right.

So the next debate topic comes to us from listeners.

Are the teams staying the same or are they changing?

Oh, yeah.

No, just to let you know, this is going to be, we're going to rotate now.

So it's it's going to be

myself and Mujan and Winston and Justin.

Great.

Okay.

And let's do myself and Mujan as affirmative, Winston and Justin as negative.

So this next resolution comes to us from Zema Knight Maeve Datthews, who says, oh, this is a nice sort of artistic integrity quandary.

Bathroom art is the purest form of art.

because it is done for neither money nor acclaim.

That's the resolution.

The argument will start with the affirmative, and we'll start with you, Mujan.

You have 60 seconds

in life.

When are we at our most vulnerable?

It happens when we are crying in front of strangers, when we are declaring our love to someone for the first time, or even when we're sitting on the toilet.

And that is where you see bathroom art come alive.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Very physical.

Physical.

There's no other time in your life where you are really just letting it out in many different literal ways.

And also, if you happen to have a pen in your hand, what else are you doing?

You're expressing yourself.

Your hands are leading the way while your other orifices are leading out.

So I say, speaking to the jury today, that

defense rests.

She can have my time.

She's doing great.

What are walls,

if not blank canvases for human beings to express our deepest emotions?

Thank you.

Great.

Thank you, Mujan.

What a lovely and touching tribute to the power of public art.

I agree.

I could not agree more, in fact.

Bathroom art,

what is art?

Let's start with that.

What is art?

It's an expression of emotion

made for people to ingest and make of it what they will, hoping to...

The artist hopes to elicit some sort of reaction from its audience, and the reaction is part of the art, wouldn't you say?

So in the bathroom, what are we but

eager, ready, open, willing.

uh observers and what is a bathroom wall but uh you know a canvas on which to be mildly subversive in the face of uh society that tells us that graffiti is unacceptable that a communication within a bathroom stall is weird and gross,

and we're turning that all on its head with a piece of well-placed art for someone with nothing better to do to enjoy.

Beautiful, beautiful.

All right, we're now turning to the negative opening statements, starting with Justin.

Folks,

the thing with art is you can can find you in any way, uh, in any place, but the artist has to have intention.

And um, when you sit down in a bathroom stall and you look up, what do you see?

Here I sit, brokenhearted, had to shit, instead I farted.

And do you look at that and think, wow, I've been touched because some dude with a sharpie wrote a joke he read off another bathroom stall, one more truck stop down the line.

I just have to say, these are not banksies

being imprinted in hot black Sharpie on the wall.

These are minor expressions.

Things like Scotty, don't beam me up yet.

I'm taking a shit.

And then the marker goes up as high as it can.

Or just a simple quote of 8675309.

Jenny, call me.

Folks, these are carbon copies.

These are

these is this is not not art.

This is simple NFTs being put on the barely walls.

Wow.

And Winston with 60 seconds.

Sure.

A shaft.

Balls.

Hairs coming out of the balls.

Drops have come.

Aforementioned by our opponents.

This is

a typical piece of art that you would find on this.

Or a log of dookie

and somebody saying, this is Scott, you know, next to it.

A lot of times these are meant to hurt, to

not to stir up or challenge, but to, they are aggressive and they are mean-spirited many of the times.

Vulgar.

Again, sometimes funny.

Sometimes funny.

Sometimes funny.

Again, this is art, but is it the purest form of art?

No, because as my partner said, it is mainly derivative.

I've i've never seen something on a bathroom wall that i've you know that i haven't seen on every bathroom wall again mostly a shaft balls little hairs and a couple drops all right great thank you thank you winston

that was the most deposition voice reading

describing a picture of

moving on moving on to uh we're now going to get cross-examination from the affirmative starting with me justin I'm not sure, and this is actually for both of you.

I'm not sure what kinds of bathrooms the two of you frequent.

What kind of art gets your, gets your,

you know,

balls tickling.

But I like the finer things, to be honest.

I love a, perhaps you've heard

some, you know, some grout puns, which are, which are obviously a deep and well-respected tradition in the bathroom art world.

The grout pun.

Yeah, the Grout Expectations.

It's written on the Graut of the Bathroom Tiles.

The Grout Gatsby.

Wow.

The Grout Joe Marx.

You know,

Alexander the Grout.

Oscar the Grout.

You know, the list goes on.

And honestly,

these are the depths which real artists in respectable bathrooms will plumb

for the good and the appreciation of the audience.

They will never know.

Thank you.

On to Mujan.

Now let's return to the original question at hand, which asks us

bathroom art.

Did you say ask us?

Ask.

Ask us.

Bathroom art is a purest form of art because it's done for neither money or acclaim.

Now that's true.

But yet our other side tells us it's done without intention.

I tell you, every single time you take a pen out from the orifice in your body that it was hiding from while you're sitting at the bathroom.

Whoa.

I'm sorry.

Where did the battle?

A lot of excretion.

We don't have to tell you.

That's not.

Oh, never mind.

Go ahead.

That's the one place the pen is.

When you write a number on the wall, when you write a poem, when you create that dirty groin sack that Winston was talking about, that was done with intention.

And yet it was not done

for money or acclaim.

And so if we are here to describe pure SDB without financial gain or any sort sort of historical accolade, then I would just say the bathroom absolutely is the purest form.

Although when the walls come and the aliens destroy us, what will still be there?

What's the sign of us that, of humans to have lived?

It is the numbers on the walls.

It is the groins on the bathroom signs.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Yes.

The words of the prophets are written on the bathroom walls, I think.

Paul Simon said.

Subway walls.

He said subway walls.

But hey, yeah, yeah, I don't want to.

Yeah, no, it's not written.

It's not important.

important.

All right.

Cross-examination from the negative, starting with Winston.

You have 60 seconds.

We're talking a lot about intent today, folks.

Talking a lot about intent.

What's the intent?

What's the intent?

Usually the intent is to, of a bathroom.

The intent of art is to elevate, to provoke, to increase, create a dialogue.

Bathroom art.

is

to kind of who's it for who's it for who is it for is it for you or is it for the other people because we're saying that there isn't any acclaim But I I would wager that there is a claim I would have wagered that it has it is for acclaim it is for the kind of lowest denominator acclaim of like locker room talk of like you know ha ha ha what you know when

that was funny.

We love it.

There is a claim there.

I think just because an art is an anonymous doesn't mean that there's not a need for attention and acclaim.

So I would say that there's it's a fallacy that bathroom art is not made

fallacy

without a claim intention.

Your minutes up.

Your minutes up.

Justin.

Well, I rest.

I rest.

I would take the baton from my partner, Winston, and I would doodle his image on a bathroom stall at any moment.

But you know what I would be seeking if I were to do that?

Is acclaim.

Exactly.

For these people, this is their louvre.

This is where they they go to express themselves.

And that Mona Lisa is just like Dave saying

that he wants to, he wished he could shit faster or whatever.

But the minute that he signs Dave

or he signs Ugly Ted or he signs the mad, mad pee-pee sucker, or whatever his name is.

That is the acclaim that he is seeking.

And I say he intentionally because does this happen in women's bathrooms?

I don't actually know.

And

that's your time.

I don't think bathrooms are women's bathrooms.

All right.

We are now on to the

anything goes portion of, and we have two minutes.

I have a question for my opposition, for the negative.

I would like to describe something for you.

A shaft.

Balls.

Hair around the balls.

What am I describing?

What am I describing?

What's the unfamiliar?

The masterpiece, David, by Italian Renaissance artist artist Michelangelo finished in 1504?

I'm sorry.

There's a little hair.

There is a little hair.

There is a little hair.

It's not tufted, but it's there.

It's there.

And I'm sorry.

Who are we to judge the difference?

Honestly, who are we?

I'll say this.

I'll say this.

Do it in your journal.

If you don't want anybody to see it, if you're not doing it for a campaign,

you should have told that to Michelangelo.

He was doing it for money in a case.

Michelangelo di Lodovica Buonaroti Simoni.

We all know his full name here.

That's part of it.

Yeah, we could all say it at the same time.

Certainly.

Even if we were looking at the screen, we would fail like that.

The thing is, these people are seeking acclaim.

And honestly, if there was a little

couple dollar bills on the way out the door, if you did a good doodle, they'd take it.

They'd take it.

Do it in your journal.

How dare you?

Do it in your journal.

How dare you?

Do you have a bathroom stall and look at it and remember exactly who made it?

Like 30 years later?

No.

I don't remember anything anyone has ever written.

I remember what was written but i don't remember from who you should and that should say dr bouget

yeah

that's more of a you thing i think i don't remember i don't remember anything

you have memento you have that memento yeah get some tattoos really just kind of

have you any of you on my uh my partner or my opponents ever graffitied anything on a menu no i have never no

i only make art for a route

because i only make art for money and acclaim

that's right i don't work for free If I did, I would do it in my journal.

So

do you mean shit in your journal or do you mean?

No, he means all the drops of, the shooting drops have come.

That's all his journals are full of.

Closing statements?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Great.

Okay.

The affirmative now has 30 seconds to make their closing statements.

Mujan, would you like to start?

The next time you sit in a bathroom stall by yourself or with someone close to you, look out and see the art before you.

Alden?

The next time I'm in a bathroom, Saul, perhaps I will bring a Sharpie.

And you know what?

I'll write there?

I won't write Gilroy was here.

I'll write Killjoy was there in the negative team.

Wow, that's very old-fashioned bathroom art.

Are we not doing Gilroy stuff anymore?

I'll just go back to...

Wow, this is World War II.

I'll go back to my

sour pusses.

I'll go back to my statement I've been making over and over again.

I'm not saying saying that bathroom art is not art.

I'm not, I'm just saying it's not the purest form of art.

I do not believe that.

I think that we've made this point because it is for acclaim, it is for recognition, and there is not something pure about it.

If you wanted to make it solely for yourself, you would not put it on a bathroom wall.

Every artist has a canvas, some is canvas, and some is that weird metal that's

smells real bad in bathrooms.

It seems to absorb the smell of wow, wow, okay.

All right, right.

That concludes our second debate of the evening.

I'm going to say bathroom art, peanut gallery, and will you have 30 seconds to vote?

I will say, here I sit brokenhearted, had to shit that I farted is logged in my mind forever.

Yeah.

I will always think that.

You'll always think that.

You'll see that.

When you're in the bathroom stall, just throughout your life.

Like, if someone's like, what is someone written on a bathroom stall?

It's that.

And it's written in Sharpie that trails off at the end.

Yeah.

But they completed the work.

They did that.

I feel like it's always like, like, fuck Stuart.

And it's like, no, fuck you.

You know, it's always like crossed out.

It's like this whole like dialogue.

I feel in the like in my

bathrooms I go to is a lot of just support.

The original Facebook.

Yeah, right.

What is it?

It's a lot of support in the bathrooms I go to.

Just like, you're doing great.

You got this.

Like a beautiful, like, wow, cool.

No, but for real, is there like graffitian?

Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, the votes are in, ladies and gentlemen.

The votes are.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

The fortunes have changed.

It was 6-5, and now it's 5-6.

In favor of the negative, once again, the negative has won.

Yes.

2-0.

2-0

for my guy.

Wow.

All right.

We're moving on to the next topic.

This one is from Dr.

Pickle.

Here is the resolution.

And now this one is not going to be a negative and positive.

It's just going to be a choice because it's a versus here.

Who would win?

My 6'2 former coworker JR or his mortal enemy, Gary the Canadian goose?

So

we're going to say that Winston and Mujan are in favor of the 6'2 former co-worker JR.

Justin and I are on the side of his mortal enemy, Gary the Canadian goose.

Wow.

Thank you, Dr.

Pickle, for this very cogent question.

We're going to start with...

We're debating this in Congress, actually.

60 seconds for each person.

I'm going to think they're doing something up there.

60 seconds for each person arguing in favor of JR.

And we'll start with you, Winston.

Whenever you're ready.

Okay.

Man versus goose.

Definitely something we've been

talking about throughout the ages.

But I have a few exhibits to show you.

One is Christmas Day.

Ebenezer Scrooge, the Christmas goose.

Clearly, man has won several times in this bout.

I've never heard of a goose killing a man.

Never.

Except

they tried to come close, but a hero, Sully Sullenberger, managed to keep the geese from killing.

So every time

humans and geese have faced off, the human has won.

And that six-foot guy probably has a pretty wide kick, and he could kick that some bitch as far as he needed to.

We had a minute yet?

I feel pretty good.

Sorry, I forgot to give you guys.

I will say, that was a confident start.

I was invoking something.

30 seconds.

All right, go ahead.

Great choice.

Now what, ladies and gentlemen, and everyone in the jury, what can geese do?

Sure.

They can honk, they can

wink flap, they can peck, and they can die.

And humans can get in there and get the job done.

That's right.

And that's why.

We get the job done.

The six-foot two.

Geese die.

Former co-worker, which shows that he can maintain a job, which means they have focus, they have education, they have integrity.

JR

has the power and the belief and the conviction to take on one goose and even I would say six geese in any sort of fight.

And even though we haven't

said what exactly

he, you know, the question means by win.

And we specifically are saying in a fight,

it's undeniable.

I don't think I even need to say more.

In the fight of a six-foot-two JR versus a six-inch goose, come on, get out of here, go down the railroad track.

Sorry, is it a six-inch goose we're dealing with?

It's a very tiny goose.

All right, time's up.

Time's up.

All right, goose it could get inside an ear.

Now, statement supporting Gary the Canadian goose,

starting with Justin, 60 seconds.

Go ahead whenever you're ready.

What is victory?

The ancient Mids

name their heroes, Theseus, um,

others.

And

uh, when it pushed by the fact that Gary uh is given a name means he is a goose warrior.

He's not a nameless goose that Sully, um, who I think steered into those geese.

No one talks about it, but he was after them.

And we have a long history of putting geese on the outs, and I think the tide is turning here.

It's time for Gary, the greatest goose warrior that we've ever seen, to come out.

But as I said, what is victory?

Because yes, it can be physical life and death, but it can also be these geese shit everywhere and people step in it and they're like, oh man, I just stepped in this goose shit and that, my friends, no matter if that goose is being eaten by a Scrooge or his other rich cronies, the victory is still in everyone else cleaning shit off their boots.

Wow.

Perfect.

Perfect 60 seconds.

I also appreciate your use of the French pronunciation of Scrooge.

I believe that's what Winston said, so I was echoing it.

Thank you.

Scrooge.

Scrooge.

All right.

Scrooge.

Scrooge.

I would like to point out to my esteemed colleagues on the JR side of this debate that perhaps there are a few things that escaped your notice.

For one, as Justin pointed out, this isn't just any goose.

His name is Gary, and he has an identity.

I would like to also point out he's not a Canada goose, which is a breed of goose.

He's a Canadian goose, which means that not only

are we not actually actually familiar with his actual species or his particular breed, but we know that he identifies as Canadian.

He's Gary, the Canadian goose.

So

what do we know about this goose?

He's intelligent enough to have a national allegiance.

He's well-respected enough to have earned his own name.

And honestly,

not only is he described as a Canadian goose, Canadian is capitalized, goose isn't.

So it makes me think maybe there's more to this Canadian goose than meets the eye.

Maybe he's not an animal.

Maybe he's just a silly man.

Now we're going to get cross-examination from the affirmative.

Wow.

Wow.

Go ahead.

Who, Mujan, you go first?

I'd like to bring up two points.

First of all, Justin here keeps bringing up the fact that goose shit would be a terrible thing and the goose would win because of the shit.

I would like to counter that, Justin, and say, have you ever heard of human shit?

It's called not recycling.

It's called plastics.

It's called the excess you put into the world.

That's actually damaging the ecosystem.

So in a way, Gary is six foot two.

Is that, wait, that's his name, right?

The six foot.

No, JR, JR, JR, the six foot two garbage of a man is creating so much waste in this world that it's destroying all of the geese and the gooses in the world.

And secondly, I want you both to open this link I'm about to send you and tell me what this is.

And please verbalize it to the chat.

What?

Is it homework?

It's a Facebook link, and I'm not on social media.

Thanks a lot, Mujan.

Justin, please open this link and tell us what you see.

There is.

This is a Facebook page that says Gary the Goose Memorial.

Maybe this debate has already been settled.

How did you have this so did you kill Gary?

How did you have this ready?

I believe Gary the Goose, this happened.

There's 3,850.

Oh, I'm sorry.

We have to strike the Gary obituary for the record.

You're over time, Mujan.

Winston, you're next.

I would like you to open the

link that Mujan put in the chat.

And while you do that and look at that, I would like to read something.

On January 15th, 2009.

U.S.

Airways Flight 1549 on Airbus A320 took off from LaGuardia Airport, bound for Charlotte Charlotte Douglas International Airport in North Carolina.

Shortly after takeoff, geese struck the plane and it lost power in both engines.

Sullyberg, Captain Sullenberg said,

Sullyberg.

Isn't that where Ducktails came from?

It was very quiet as we worked.

My co-pilot Jeff Skiles and I.

We were a team.

But to have zero thrust coming out of those engines was shocking, thanks to those fucking geese.

and you know who was flying that plane

that's time's up that's time's up but i'll actually take i'll actually take this one mujan you know who was flying that plane i'll tell you who wasn't flying that plane dr pickle's 6'2 former co-worker jr so we actually have no way of knowing whether uh how jr would have fared in that but i i would wager i would be willing to put a large amount of money on the fact that he's not as good a pilot as noted hero sully sollenberger so thank you for uh bringing that up.

You're actually proving my point.

But again,

I don't think it's fair for any of us to assume that Gary, as he's known to his friends and colleagues,

is

any normal kind of goose.

And in fact, I think he might just be a silly goose.

And again,

we need to define what winning means and what winning means to us.

And to me, and I think to all of us as professional comedians, we can agree, a silly goose usually wins over

all we know about this person.

He's Z6's too, which means he probably thinks he's better than us.

So honestly, I'll take the goose any day.

Justin?

Agree completely.

And let me just dot.

First off, it's strange that his name is actually Sullenberger.

That feels fake.

Well, I don't think his first name is actually Sully for what it's worth.

Well, I think,

like I said, mythology defines you, huh?

Sheffley.

Chefly.

I would argue.

I would argue worse.

Let's talk about the physicality here that we have.

We've known JR, also assume name, just letters.

You know, that sounds like junior.

Sounds like he's inflating his height.

6'2?

I don't think so.

Prove it.

Also, former co-worker.

Perhaps he's JR's falling on a hard time.

You can be tall and you can be skinny.

And you can be weak.

You can be like a reverse Popeye.

Wow, we have the Gary the goose.

Have you ever been around a goose?

They nasty.

They mean.

They're tall.

They can get big.

They can fly away.

They can come at you from another side.

They can crash into the plane that you're trying to ride on to where you're going.

And then where are you?

In the Hudson River, and you miss your appointment or whatever you were doing.

Great, good.

Now we've entered the two-minute anything goes phase of the debate where we can all scream in each other's faces.

Okay, I'm going to say this.

Wait, no, we're not at closing articles.

Are you?

No, no, no.

Okay, okay.

I don't think we need to be silenced.

Got a banner closer.

No, I'm just.

I think the other side is assuming so much about someone named JR that they know nothing about.

First of all, what does JR stand for?

You do not know.

But did you know, and I will enter this into evidence right now: JR stands for just right, which is a nickname they gave Sully right before he became a captain.

So deal with that information.

The nickname wasn't Sully that they gave him?

They gave him a second nickname?

It was just right?

Yeah, it didn't stick.

It didn't stick.

Well,

I would counter that argument, Mujan, by saying that what do you think that we're what positive thing are we assuming about 6'2 ⁇ , former coworker JR

that

I think you have a little bit of height bias in this situation.

I'm 5'1.

Yeah, well,

you should tell me.

Here you accuse her of height bias.

How dare you accuse her of height bias bias bias bias?

All you see is all you see.

You're missing a lot of other weaknesses that perhaps JR has.

As a 6-foot 0 person, I can confidently say that at 6 feet, 6 feet's the top of the bell bell curve, the quality of people goes down on either side of six feet.

By 6'2, you're already at the

way down.

Yeah, I'm gonna let that one just kind of air.

Alden shooting in every direction.

Alden just.

I'll withdraw that.

I'll withdraw that.

The opposite of jumping on a grenade is throwing nine grenades around you in every direction.

And that's what Alden just did.

And I appreciate it as my debating partner.

I'm just saying, if you want to end this debate, I would invite anyone listening to this to walk up to a goose and decide if you want to fight that thing or run away, because I would guarantee you out of it.

That's wow.

You really.

Yep.

Case closed.

That's two minutes.

Closing arguments from the JR team.

Okay.

The goose team is all over the place.

They're saying, he's not really a goose.

He could just be a silly goose.

And then they're saying, no, but he's a real goose, but he's really dangerous because geese are dangerous.

I think it's very evident that they don't have a

cogent defense of the goose, be it a human who is just a silly goose or an actual goose.

And again, if they're going to try to drag Sully through the mud, that's all you need to know right there.

That's all you need to know.

You mean Sully Sully?

You want us to sully Sully?

Do not sully Sully.

How dare you Sully Sully?

And also, hype bias.

Exactly.

Let me add on to that by bringing on something Alden Ford himself said, which is silly.

Now, what does silly mean?

It is defined as having or showing a lack of common sense or judgment, absurd and foolish.

And that is exactly what the negative side has been showing this entire time.

Human versus goose, no question.

JR, congratulations.

You win in America.

Wow.

Okay.

We're not going to say America.

We didn't mean America.

Closing arguments for Justin.

We have 30 seconds.

To define someone as silly as a negative, I find

a personal attack.

The silliest thing can also be the most dangerous thing.

You ever seen a platypus?

They're weird.

They sneak up on you probably and you don't know what's happening.

Suddenly, you're in trouble.

Just like this goose.

We also don't know what the parameters here.

And I have to say, I've been holding on to this for a while.

Everyone here seems to have a pro-human bias on my opponent's team.

Of course, you're going to vote for their human because you're not thinking objectively, but we are on this side.

What if the contest is

staying warm and it's 40 degrees below zero with no clothes?

Exactly.

Shitting all over a golf course or other lawn.

This goose is going to crush JR.

Yeah, pecking someone's ankle.

Any pecking contest.

Any pecking contest.

Pecking JR's out on it.

Pecking generally.

Yeah, absolutely.

I would also argue that

the one thing we don't know about Gary is

oh our time's up

oh wow

and that's a mystery and that's how we leave you thinking that's how we leave you with a mystery

all right J is a vote for JR G is a vote for goose we're gonna give you 30 seconds to to vote most of the comments are like I can't stay awake

gallery

I mean I said this in in a in a real way I mean it though in an even more real way geese are scary when you walk up to them they're You know what's even scarier?

Swans.

Swans are absolutely mean.

Swans are the worst.

Yeah, swans are mean.

Swans are super mean.

They have spines on their ankles that they will slice you up with.

It's really messed up.

And they want to.

They hate people.

That's a biological shiv.

Well, the votes are in, ladies and gentlemen.

And with a bullet, the goose has won by a vote of 10 to 3.

Congratulations.

Congratulations to the goose team.

I think the winners won this time.

Well, I guess Tom Hanks will make a movie about a goose.

Oh, wait.

No, they never will.

No.

No, because he's too, he would lose.

The geese will make that film.

All right.

Let the geese tell their own story.

Have you seen the response film to the Sully story?

From Made by Geese?

It's very intense.

It's tragic.

Of course you didn't.

Of course you didn't see it.

Yeah, because you don't see goose movies, do you, Winston?

I guess not.

Even though I'm six foot, which means I'm a good person, apparently.

According to Alden.

that's right and that's how he won the debate that's right everyone in the voting is a six foot plus all right so we are gonna do two quick rounds this is a a new debate format that has never existed before except on our show which also has never existed until right now this is a 1v1 v1 v1 debate uh on two quick lightning round topics uh we will each get 15 seconds followed by a shouting round followed by followed by closing arguments uh

there's just how all lost i know it's kind of like the british system like parliament where you just like like and now look at parliament and everybody's just shouting at each other i'm like yeah that sounds good rather than that than whatever the fuck we're doing all right so our first topic is uh we have four choices

batman I'm gonna assign that to Justin.

Chocolate pudding, I'm going to assign to Mujan.

Golden Girls, I'm going to assign to Winston.

And mangoes, mangoes I shall assign to myself.

Batman versus chocolate pudding versus Golden Girls versus Mangoes.

Finally.

I'm going to start with Winston.

Your time begins now.

15 seconds.

I mean, what's better than Golden Girls?

Thank you for being a friend.

The song is awesome.

I mean, are we saying it's just the best?

It's great.

You turn it on and you'll watch it.

Can you turn any of the other ones on and just sit and watch and enjoy?

Maybe a Batman, but like, not really.

All right.

Golden Girls, classic.

Next, Mujan.

What is sweeter and most delicious in your time of need than a nice bowl of chocolate pudding?

Now, when you think about history and its context overall, chocolate pudding was actually given to the sickest of children during their worst times in history.

So if you're against chocolate pudding, you're against children who were going through struggles in their life and you hate children and you hate

just like people.

Thank you.

Great.

I'll respond to that with 15 seconds.

Actually, a mango has about 45 grams of sugar per fruit.

And it's got more fiber.

It's better for you.

And it's more readily available throughout the world.

I think that a mango is a more delicious and more healthy treat than any of my opponents.

Justin?

I am vengeance.

I am the night.

I am Batman.

Is there a more enduring figure?

Batman, you can have chocolate pudding

once a month.

You can have a mango when you're on vacation.

Golden Girls, no one's watching that anymore.

But what you are consuming is Batman.

We have so many Batman, we couldn't even name them in the amount of time I'm speaking right now.

There's one right behind you, Batman.

All right.

Two minutes to shout at each other.

I got to say,

we haven't talked about what's better for society as a whole over human history.

Obviously, the mango.

It's been around the longest.

It's the most healthy.

What are you selling mangoes?

This is not known.

I'm arguing mangoes.

People like a mango.

If you were in a deserted island and you had no form of cutlery on you, how would you open up a mango?

You can open up a pudding anyway.

You can just put it in squeeze.

Here's my thing: get in the pudding.

Squeeze it into my mouth like a caveman.

All I have to say against pudding is Bill Cosby.

Get in.

And then

you're right.

You know what?

I'm with you on this one.

Batman.

Too much.

Over much.

Too much.

Too much, Batman.

Everyone's still hungry for mangoes.

No, you don't get it.

It's a ton of incel chuds who want to be Batman, but doesn't realize it's a billionaire who's beating up the.

100%.

Yeah, thank you, Winslow.

That's the joke.

Two years ago, it gets the golden girls.

People still love them.

They're beloved.

As a woman, I would say that your golden girls are actually an ageist form of media.

Weren't they all like in their 50s or 60s, and you're already saying they're at the end of their life?

Their golden years.

View people that way.

We are still in the world.

They were forced to live together because they're too old.

They were forced into a home together when they had different purposes.

Their husbands had died and so they served no purpose anymore.

Oh, no.

In a lot of ways, the Golden Girls are like a worse Batman because Batman's parents died and created him.

Oh, did they die?

Did Batman's parents die?

Because I've never heard that or seen that before.

The pearls, when the pearls fell, I'll tell the origin.

The pearls fell on the ground.

Really?

Did they fall?

Because I've only seen that 17 times.

But look, it's infused in your culture.

And over here,

we don't have a hero who

sucks pudding into their mouth to fight crime, like a Popeye, as I previously mentioned.

And mangoes are.

And mangoes aren't even on the top shelf of the pros.

Hey, hey, have we ever had a ripe mango?

And can you ever find one at the grocery store?

They can't be found.

Your time's up, Winston.

And you never get enough mango.

It's always some on the skin.

Same with pudding.

What are you going to lick the top?

I heard that's bad for you because there's aluminum in it.

And Winston, which of the Golden Girls is in government right now?

Zero.

Oh, no.

That's right.

I wish Rose was running our.

The Department of

15 seconds in closing arguments in opposite order, starting with Justin.

15 seconds.

Go.

When Donald Trump

to run the Department of Defense,

He was told that that was a fictional person.

And that's the biggest indictment I can say against against the Golden Girls.

Pudding's weird.

We didn't even name a flavor.

And mangoes

are better for throwing it.

All right.

You really tripped on the steps at the end of your argument there, Justin.

15 seconds for me.

Listen, mangoes, if it's

if mangoes are good enough for

thousands and thousands of years of human history, they're good enough for me.

There have been thousands of iterations of Batman, and I would say roughly two-thirds of them are not great.

And that's all I have to say about it.

Same as mangoes.

That's the same ratio of mangoes that are great.

Mujan?

I always get a Ben Affleck mango, and I'm mad every time.

Hey, everyone, June 26th.

Keep your day open.

Keep your day clear because it is National Chocolate Pudding Day.

Now, does Golden Girls have a day?

No.

Does Batman have a day?

No, probably.

He does.

It definitely does.

Probably I celebrate over Saturday.

I literally do a podcast about it every day.

Of chocolate

And Winston.

Thank you for being a friend.

Wow.

Travel down a road and back again.

Your heart is true.

You're a pal and a confidant.

I'm done.

And if you threw a pot in.

No, no, no.

No, you don't.

But it's Batman and pudding.

All right.

You would see that mangoes still are the worst.

All right, over on the Discord, we're going to be taking votes now.

We are looking at at the gold emoji, the bat emoji.

Is there a mango emoji?

Maybe an M?

Biggest indictment of all.

You know,

and the

pudding emoji, which is really the poop emoji.

So, you know.

Let me be honest, I like all four of these things.

Yeah, they're all good.

They're all pretty good.

They're all pretty good.

It is interesting that they're like the ages of the real, of like real housewives now, right?

Like,

all right the votes are in ladies and gentlemen mango wins what six to five over golden girls zero votes for batman or chocolate pudding chocolate pudding wow justin i can no one likes batman i think we're both gonna take this person i think you honestly justin i think you had it until you uh until your last very last

all right all right we're gonna do one more lightning round and then i promise we will stop

The next one,

this is going to be

30 seconds each.

No counter arguments, no closing arguments.

It is 30 seconds on the clock.

This is from Duxton.

What is the best food court shop?

So we are going to go in opposite order of when we went on the last one.

And I'm not giving you prompts.

You have to choose your own.

So I'm going to start with Justin, then me, then Mujan, then Winston.

Whenever you are ready, ready, Justin, I will start.

What is the mall food court but a collection of cultures?

You get to walk around and explore a bit of taste from different places around the world or country.

And where did I land?

A lot at the Carousel Mall in Syracuse, New York, in front of the Bourbon Chicken Place.

And this place

encapsulates the entire culture of New Orleans.

The jazz, the chicken that tastes a little bit sweet and a little bit spicy, and some rice, usually with peas in it.

And I'll tell you what,

it was good.

All right.

I am next.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the United States of America.

And sadly, whether we like it or not, the value of our

entertainment, the value of our food has sadly started to diminish over the years.

But you know what hasn't?

It's the Orange Julius in any mall.

And I'll tell you why.

Because the Orange Julius was bought by whatever corporation owns Dairy Queen about 20 years ago.

And now any mall that has an Orange Julius in it also has a Dairy Queen in it.

And I'll tell you what, if you want an Orange Julius and you also want ice cream, or you want a burger that's okay,

Orange Julius slash Dairy Queen is the place for you.

All right,

you're backing into Dairy Queen.

Except that you only meet.

I love Dairy Queen.

Dairy Queen is my favorite place of the world, but they weren't in malls until Orange Julius bought them.

Mujan.

Between that and the bourbon chicken place that doesn't have a name,

I don't remember the name, but it was.

They did make it.

It was called like Bourbon Street.

Yeah, that's all right.

Mujan, you're next.

I believe in dreaming big.

I believe in thinking large.

And I believe cookies should be the size of a human body.

And that's why I believe Mrs.

Fields is the best mall court food thing in the entire world.

Because when Debbie Fields created Mrs.

Fields Cookies in 1970, it was a small dream that grew big and gives us joy every day.

Thank you so much.

And you can put a sentence on it.

Thank you.

All right.

Well, you know, you're yielding your four seconds.

Okay.

Great.

You can put a sentence on it.

Winston, you're next.

I, some people say dream big.

I, like you, Mujan, say, think large.

Yeah.

Think large.

All right, Winston, go ahead.

You walk into the food court.

You

are,

you know, there's a assault of smells and aromas, but one rises above the rest.

It's the smell of a Cinnabon.

It permeates.

It

wafts.

You go cartoon-like by your nose,

hovering across the air as you float to the Cinnabon, where you house one of those bad boys.

And, you know, maybe get a coffee, whatever you want to do.

But when are you going to have a Cinnabon?

At an airport?

No.

You're going to have it at

the mall.

At the hotel.

At the hotel.

Yeah.

Where do you live?

Yeah.

Because if you read a whole cinema, you're going to be able to do it.

You divorce.

You divorced?

You're either at the hotel or the airport making it work or the mall.

And you want your kids back,

but you're just trying to drown the pain.

That is accurate.

Wow.

All three of you chose Poison.

Oh, you can't even remember the name of the place you're like.

How remote

for a place you like.

What my honorable mention was was uh walk and roll, just because I love the name.

Oh my gosh, great name.

All right, guys, comedy name.

Yeah, I mean, I got to give a shout out to Lids.

Great place to get a hat, always right near the hat.

Why not step by Lidson?

Honestly, Jessica, if you're weird chicken place wins this debate, I'll eat my hat.

That's what I'll say.

I'll say that.

All right, I'm putting a and that's a sentence.

Yep, yep, that's a sentence.

And you can put a sentence on that.

So I'm putting wall food court.

We're gonna vote with the chicken emoji, the cinnamon, cinnamon butt emoji,

the cookie emoji, or the

ice cream emoji.

We don't get to

cross-examine each other.

No, no, that was closing arguments only.

Got it, got it.

Yeah, it was a whole thing.

That's a classic form of debate where you don't get to debate.

Well, folks, the votes are in, and a cookie the size of your body has won.

This is America, after all.

A vote from four to three to two to three

in that.

So

pretty even split.

Yeah, pretty even split.

But Mrs.

Fields wins.

Congratulations, Mujan.

Does anyone remember their score?

I think Justin wins.

I think Justin wins.

I went three for three in the longer ones, and then I've lost on Batman.

I think I got two points.

Winston, how many points did you get?

I think I just maybe won one.

Right?

No, really?

Yeah.

You each won one when you were riding with your wife.

No, Mujan, you got two because you got

Mrs.

Fields, and then you got the first one.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I gave two.

Okay, so Justin, congratulations.

I've always said our entire friendship, no one is better at shouting than you.

So congratulations.

Be it bar or podcast.

Be it bar podcast.

That's why I like podcasting because it's like being in a bar, except we're in different places.

Well, folks, I would like to say thank you so much to our amazing Discord listeners for listening to all of this nonsense and voting on it and submitting our debate topics.

And I'd also like to thank our debaters tonight for screaming so much.

It was really fun.

I'd like to turn it over to Justin, our winner for tonight, to deliver the closing arguments for this show.

What have we learned tonight?

I mean, I've learned a lot about myself

that I like bad chicken,

that I love goose,

that I can put down a pretty solid amount of wine when I'm not paying attention.

But the biggest thing we learned, I think, is that fuck Dave Seville and the chipmunk he wrote in on.

Sully needs to sit down a little bit because the geese are coming for him.

And

here I sit, brokenhearted, had to cheat.

And instead, folks, we as a group farted.

Good night.

Beautiful.

And good luck.

Thank you so much for joining us.

We will see you next month when we won't do this show ever again.

Bye.

Good night, and thank you for listening.

Goodbye.

Bye-bye.