517: Old Boy [ft. Hari Kondabolu]

It is a time of great unease.

The crew of the Bargerian Jade have finally made it home to their beloved quadrant.

But something is different.

Wrong.

Whack!

Now, our intrepid heroes must root out the bad vibes, master the three-sided coin of freshness, and face down foes like they've never imagined on their final

mission to six

Hello Papa.

Yeah.

How's the new eye?

Oh, man.

It's amazing.

I get everything.

If I look at someone, it tells me their heat signature.

It tells me biometric data about them.

It's in.

Oh, hold on a second.

Sorry.

Just got to close this window.

Ah.

It froze up.

Now I got to restart.

Restart your eye?

Yeah, I got to reset it every once in a while.

There's a lot of glitches and...

What was your ad for?

This was for like a...

I don't get it.

It's like a monthly bathrobe subscription service.

Oh, that makes a lot of sense.

It's called Robe, but it's sort of spelled weird.

It's like a R-O with the dots over it, and then B,

Robe.

Oh, see, they were one of our sponsors for Cube to Q, remember?

Then they dropped us.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I think there was some confusion over the pronunciation, because I think, Barge, you kept calling them Rob.

Right, and you kept screaming.

There was a lot of screaming.

Don't you bad, y'all.

You know, with the umlaut there, I think the the pronunciation is actually rube, which is not very complimentary either.

Yeah, Rob and Rube, both less desirable than robe.

Yeah.

Either way, I'm not sure why you would need a new robe every month.

Yeah, there's something between just one robe and a new robe every month.

Okay, okay, sure.

But I think the point of it is you get like four robes and you pick the robe you want and you send back the ones you don't, right?

Yeah, either way, AJ, I don't need

that many robes.

But it's like tailored to your robe needs, right?

Like once they start to learn your, like, style, they start to send the robes that you really want.

Yeah, they seem to have a lot of information about my exact size and shape.

I've never given them any of this information.

Well, that eye might have, you know, rear sensors to scan you internally.

Classic.

You'd be looking right in my brain.

Yeah, you're probably going to start to get a lot of ads for like custom neurotransmitters and stuff like that.

Yeah.

With sticks.

No, I'm sure.

Those are exact measurements.

All that time you spend checking out yourself in a full-length mirror, you know?

I have to make sure that I'm living up to the Zima ideal of being put together but not too put together.

What's the Zima scroll that requires Zimas to be put together but not too put together?

Yeah.

It's more of like a triangulation C53.

Okay.

Can we lay off a plec for a second?

Okay.

C53 are we close to Muffalottisundus yet?

Well, um we should be pulling out of hyperspace any minute now.

Oh man, guys, I can't believe we did it.

We're grabbing it hot.

We gotta go in hot.

Yeah,

AJ, I don't know if that's the best idea.

Why not?

I mean, it's a lava plan, so it's already hot enough, probably.

We gotta match the hot.

We gotta match the heat.

Well, you don't fight fire with fire, AJ.

Why wouldn't you?

If you're not as hot as the fire, how are you gonna fight it?

Hey, are we talking about what's hot right now?

Yeah, we're talking about fire.

Yeah, we are, Barge Bay.

It's Bodgie.

Two wings, Bodgie.

No more one wing.

I'm back, baby, and I got two wings.

Thank you.

Everyone, stop clapping and hooting and hollering.

Yes, I am very physically attractive.

Yeah, Bargie, you know, I'm mainly only asking this because I know you want me to, but how is the response on social media?

Huge.

I posted a hot, hot pic.

Everyone's liked it.

Yeah, wow, Bargie, look at these replies.

You're blowing up.

Thank you.

No, Bargie's also in Sentient magazine.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, they work really fast.

Yeah, see that candid?

Oh, they had to do the extra flap out to get the new wing.

Yeah, that's amazing.

Yeah, the headline is for horned for Bargie again.

We're

horned?

Yeah.

Wow.

Wow.

Pretty intense.

Oh, Bargie, you upgraded your horn.

Sounds good.

Hey, everyone, shut up.

Okay?

I'm about to drop out of hyperspace.

Oh, okay, great.

Come on, it's a place of business.

You know, guys, I just want to say before we come out of hyperspace,

we've had a couple false starts.

We've been waylaid on the way to our mission a couple times, and I just want to say we're finally here.

We finally did it.

So let's gear up.

Yes.

Let's go in and knock him dead.

And with a speech like that, I am ready to go.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That's right.

We were waylaid, but now we're not waylaid.

Let's hear this.

Thank you.

Hey, just a reminder, because I've been so focused on how hot I am.

What is it that exactly that we're doing?

Bargie.

Bargie, we're landing on a lava planet to track down and confront Corbalevor and the evil Nermit Bundala.

I didn't know about that.

None of that you knew?

No.

It's kind of been what we've been doing for the past few years.

Ultimately, five years.

I mean, yeah, true, if you think about it that way.

Huh.

Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.

Alright.

Okay, here we go, guys.

We're coming out.

We're coming out.

Let's do this.

Hey, Dari, you didn't barf that time.

Good job.

Oh, no.

This time I

took a whole bottle of Drama Mon.

I think there's some weird side effects.

Like, oh, visions.

None of this looks like Mufalata Secundus.

No.

Wait, Dari, I think you're right.

That's not Mufalata Secundus.

I mean, where are the lava flows?

Where are the plumes of magma?

Yeah, this is a.

Looks like we're coming to naught.

So I'm.

I'm not seeing things?

High five AJ.

No, no, this isn't Muffle Atis Secundus.

Bargie, we were supposed to go to Muffalot of Secundus.

You had the coordinates.

What happened?

I know.

Wait, what?

Okay, Bargie.

Well, now we're turning away from the planet.

Hold on a second.

Bargie,

bring up your flight path from Quantaris for a second.

That's a very personal thing for you to ask.

Well, we're not in the place we're supposed to be.

Alright, is my personal flight path?

I usually share this with people I'm intimate with.

Oh, okay, Bargie, I'm seeing a pretty big difference here from your projected flight path and your actual flight path.

Bargie, you basically flew in a half circle.

Oh.

Barge, did you compensate for the extra wing?

Oh, yeah.

By oh, yeah, do you mean no?

Bargie, we were in hyperspace for like 48 hours.

Bargie doesn't have to compensate for her wing at all.

Thank you, AJ.

No, but you have to have compensated for it just navigationally.

Bargie, I don't know what it takes to, you know, redo the math or something, but we have to get to Muffle Out of Secundus.

Okay, so fine, I will admit I got the wing, but that didn't change anything about myself calculation-wise, I guess, for me to get to the right direction flight-wise.

So, Bargie, you're saying that you made an external change and didn't make an internal change personally to sort of

wow.

Sorry, I thought that's what you were, I thought that's what you were saying, but yes, that's true.

But the wink is working,

it's literally not working,

it's not working from a you know engineering perspective.

This wink is functionable,

functionable

kind of really sums it all up.

Crew, crew, listen up.

Yeah, clap, clap.

Yeah, what is it, Captain?

Oh, clap.

I don't know if it's the full bottle of liquid drama mom motion sickness for children that I just swallowed.

Oh.

I...

I think I'm hallucinating this child in the corner.

No.

No, Dar, there's actually a child there.

Hi.

Whoa.

Whoa, the child.

Plus, Dar.

Did you take the the Drama Mom too, though?

Be honest.

No.

Dar, this is children's drama mom.

You're 12 feet tall.

There's almost no way you could overdose on this.

Darling.

Oh, no, no.

I'm very sensitive to

any kind of drama.

All of your hallucinations actually happened.

Okay, but there's a kid over there, so just hey.

Yeah, sorry.

Okay, we'll come back to this.

Yeah.

Bargie, who is this?

Is this one of our stowaways that's always on here, or is this a new person?

Yes.

Okay.

Hey, buddy.

How's it going?

I'm like Dexter.

We're the crew of the Bargarian Jane.

Is everything okay?

Are you lost?

You're sounding a little condescending.

I don't appreciate that.

I realize I look like I'm seven.

Common mistake.

Okay, yeah.

Wow.

This guy doesn't sound seven, right?

I am a 55-year-old man.

I look like I'm seven.

That can't be right.

There's a long story.

Don't want to get into it.

Is there a bar anywhere on board?

Uh,

there is, but young man, I don't think in good conscience we can serve you a drink.

I'm 55.

Just get me to a bar.

We're good.

And if you serve me milk without alcohol in it, I will lose my mind.

Okay, all right.

The best I can offer you right now is this children's

medication.

Yeah, I wouldn't take that.

Emotion sickness.

It will

juck you up.

Okay, yeah.

No, don't, don't.

I'll just take that.

Yeah, okay.

No, not at all.

Listen, listen, Sport.

I'm sorry that

if I assumed anything about you, but we're actually sort of on our way to a big thing.

Is there anything we can do for you?

We could probably get some cartoons to play on the holoprojector for you.

Oh, do you like ants on a log?

You condescending juck.

Okay.

Oh, I know why you're not listening to me because I look like I'm seven.

All right, and that's ageist against a young person and an old person, which is bizarre.

Well, you know, in our defense, every planet, you know, revolves around its star at a different rate.

You could be 55, but still be,

what, you're in third, fourth grade, probably?

Hey, how many seven-year-olds have been married twice?

You've been married twice.

How many size?

Yes.

I don't know.

Well, kids love to get married.

They got the flame grade.

Okay, all right.

How many seven-year-olds have a tattoo of the first Bleazer album right on their chest?

Look at at that.

Wow.

Bleazer.

Yeah, it's the orange album.

Oh, the orange album, famously.

They're one of their best.

Oh, it's the best one.

It gets bad after the orange one.

Well, come on.

The one right after orange is pretty good.

Joshington?

Joshington's great.

I like Joshington.

Maybe I even like Joshington more than the Orange album.

Okay.

C53, this is irrelevant a little bit.

Listen, sir, I'm sorry.

We got off on the wrong foot.

Let's try this again.

I'm Pleck.

This is Dar, Nermit, Bargie, AJ, and C53.

I appreciate uh the much nicer greeting.

I'm sorry about the use of the obscenity.

I'm just very tired, and I just want to go home.

Are any of you going to Oregon?

I just want to go back to my home planet.

That's it, and I'll leave you alone.

And I'd like to take a drink if possible.

Oregon is the name of your home planet.

Correct, yes.

Uh

Oregon.

Everybody says Oregon.

It's Oregon.

Not the Oregon.

I mean, I've never said it out loud before.

I've only read it.

It's Oregon.

You know.

It's Oregon.

Okay, all right.

Yeah.

We're not headed there, but.

But if you're tired, buddy, like,

you can have a little nap.

You can chug some of this good stuff.

Both of you guys, bad.

No, no, no, no.

Take a little sippy.

Just a little sippy cup.

No.

Don't do that.

And also, it doesn't do what you think it does.

Sorry,

what is your name?

My name is Paul Rudd.

Paul Rudd?

Paul Rudd.

Okay.

Paul Rudd.

Close.

Yes, Paul Rudd.

Paul Rudd.

Okay.

Paul Rudd from Oregon.

Oregon, yes.

Okay.

I really would like to get sloshed and forget, I don't know, the last 40 years.

Whoa, someone is speaking my language.

Oh, there we go.

Finally.

Okay.

I don't know if I did.

That's what I'm talking about.

I didn't know we had that.

Archie, maybe do, like, a virgin granny, not an old salty grandma, because, like we don't know, you know.

Let's look at him.

I believe you should get them starting drinking yunk so they really understand the tolerance.

Really?

Okay.

Oh, not a common regret.

Hey, can I say something too, real quick?

We're on our way to, like, save the galaxy, right?

Yeah, well, the universe, depending on who you're doing.

Does this really, like, matter?

Like, is this...

Do we need to really be worried about this?

Okay, now we're dealing with kind of weirdo, like yeah, AG, it does seem a little late in the game to have

this feels sort of like a one-off mission in some ways.

You'd think we'd be kind of past something like this, in a way, yeah, but you know, it's it's good to get one last little mission in, right?

How long have you been a so late on me?

Bargie, you don't know the answer to that?

I don't know, people come and go.

I think uh, Bargie was having some kind of surgery done, and I got on uh some Quantaris.

Yeah, okay, yeah, that would check out.

That's true, I was old for business then, so.

Have any of you tried the space rocks and Quantaras?

Wow.

Other rocks?

No?

No, rocks.

Oh, you dust it.

I think you call it dust tier.

Well, sure, but rocks is like super dust, you know?

It's like right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't really mess with it.

I just

feel like you were asking, kind of, if we had any.

Yeah.

I was just asking.

Once you found out we didn't do it, you kind of changed your tone of like sort of a terrible thing.

I was just asking whether.

Well, if one, I just

one, you know.

You know, you can't judge me.

Who are you to judge me?

Uh, yeah.

He's really doing, like, a schoolyard push.

Yeah, stop pushing me, idiot.

Holding his head, and he's swinging at me.

Listen, Paul,

we're sort of in the middle of a pretty intense mission right now.

And, you know, if you want to stay on the ship and drink, that's sort of your prerogative, I guess.

But I'm not sure if we're going to have time to get to Oregon before we have to kind of do our thing.

What's your next stop?

I'll get off at the next stop.

What's your next stop?

Well, we're trying to get to an awful lot of secundus.

Yeah, which is a pretty dangerous planet.

Lots of lava.

Yeah.

We can just throw you out the window if you want, or if you're not going to be able to get it.

Listen, we've seen a lot of weird shit, but it is truly the most unsettling thing we've come across all the time.

I've been told that I'm not going to be able to do it.

I know.

How can someone so old look so young?

Yeah.

AJ, you're seven years old.

Why is that an issue for you for someone who looks seven but is older?

I'm just calling out.

You look older, but you're seven.

Look at him.

Look at him in his little short pants stirring a cocktail.

It's real weird.

Well, Pleck, don't you have biometrics in this new eye?

Just tell us how old he is.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he's 55.

55.

Okay.

There you go.

Thank you.

Okay, all right.

You're welcome.

Okay, fine.

You know what?

I'll tell you the story.

I don't like telling the story.

We weren't really.

Yeah, he got that one salty grandma in him, and now he's telling us the whole story.

All right.

I'm in Oregon with my family.

I slip into a chasm, like a ravine,

see a spaceship, get into the ship.

All right, let's see where this goes.

Next thing I know, I'm navigating all over the place.

Got no idea what's going on, but I'm having a fun time, right?

Just navigating?

He's not piloting?

What's he

navigating?

The ship has a mind of its own, but I navigate.

I'm a navigate.

Nobody pilots Bargie.

Why is that so hard to believe?

So we crash, and I feel like I'm stuck.

So then I see another spaceship come in.

I get on the ship, right?

That one crashes.

Like again?

Get off.

End up another one that ends up in some kind of war.

I get off that one.

Basically, this repeats for a good 48 years.

And now

I am now 50.

Yeah, 48 plus 7 is 55.

And

now I just want to go home and see my family if any of them are still alive.

I'm not asking for so much.

He's telling this long story, but did he say the part about why he looks seven?

Or no,

that wasn't part of the story.

Okay,

Paul Red, have you asked all of these ships to take you to Oregon?

Do you not know how stowaways work, sir?

I sneak on board,

I hide in things.

Sometimes I hollow out a machine or a bot and I put myself in it.

What?

Oh, Grim.

Porridge there are billions of inhabited planets in the galaxy.

You can't just hope that one of them is going to Oregon.

You got a better idea?

Is there some kind of public transport system from planet to planet?

That infrastructure not in place.

He has you there, Pleck.

It's actually pretty disappointing.

But there's the max.

He could take the max.

Yes, the municipal astrogation express.

Yeah.

I'm not taking the max what you you could you could get back to working on the max you're not gonna take it i that's not how i want to go home i want to go home on a spaceship i'm gone for 48 years all of a sudden i just show up on the max are you kidding me it does raise a lot of questions

fallen you gotta you gotta take what you can get a little bit yeah i i feel like you're sort of approaching this a way a child would you know you want to you want to fly a flashy spaceship back to your home but all of the ships you've gotten on have navigation systems they could all find Oregon and take you to it.

Oh, I sound like a seven-year-old.

Let's see how that could happen.

I missed some of my prime developmental years trying to get home.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Yeah, I guess I hadn't really considered that angle.

All right, I figured it out.

What is it, AJ?

Seven-year-old is actually an old man.

We're dealing with timey-wimy shit here.

AJ, how so?

How do you mean?

I mean, he's like,

What do I mean?

He's seven years old, but he's not.

He's 55 years old.

Right.

Oh.

It's a classic case of a Zachary Zipper's disease.

I don't think that's an actual disease.

You know, I was once in a movie about.

Oh, yeah, no, Bargie was in that hollow.

Zachary Zipper.

I started as a baby ship when I was an old man.

I also don't think that's one of Bargie's best performances, to be honest with you.

Yeah, Bargie, that fellow.

I was like,

that was sort of of shameless award bait.

Hey, Paul Red.

Yeah.

Why are you like the way you are?

Why are you...

Right now?

Right now?

Because I had

four of your salty Marys or whatever they're called.

Oh, well, I don't know what your grandma's name is.

I have wet myself.

It has nothing to do with what I look like.

It's the fact I have been drinking.

You know, Paul, if you needed to know where the bathroom was, buddy, you didn't need to hold it.

You could just ask us.

I'm surprised I'm saying this, but I maybe you should take this children's motion sickness stuff.

Definitely.

Oh, that's a good point.

Might keep you from throwing up.

If only there were a drop to give, I am so sorry.

I've taken

dropping out of your goatee.

It comes in that little, yeah, that little syringe.

Hey, hey, hey.

Yeah.

So, should I go towards the fire

planet or?

well, you're not gonna get there.

You tried to go last time.

Bargie, did you already compensate for the flight path change with the new wing and all that?

No.

Wait, hold on.

Bargie Astead makes a good point here.

So are we gonna go kick some ass and save the galaxy, or take this little space hobo back to this home planet?

What are we doing?

Hey Jay.

Hey Jay.

Can we?

Oh, we can't say space hobo?

No, we can't.

We can't.

I mean, he is 55.

He's solidly in hobo territory at this point.

Yeah, if he hollowed out a droid and hidden it, that's space hobo stuff, man.

Right, I'm still not over that.

Yeah, Paul Red, I just feel like something about your story just isn't lining up.

I mean, if you were a kid who was lost, you know, you could talk to any adult.

Okay, just let me think about this.

Don't talk to strangers, talk to an adult.

Inconsistency.

What am I supposed to do?

Can't talk to strangers.

Especially strange older people.

Yeah, fair point.

Just out of curiosity, is Oregon an interstellar planet?

Do you guys have space travel?

No, I do not believe we do.

That's kind of the reason I got into the ship to begin with.

I've never seen anything like it.

And then when they talked about space, well, they didn't use the word space because at the time I was seven, they said, do you want to go sky high?

And I said, I do want to go sky high.

Wait, was the ship also seven?

Well,

the ship explained it to me in a way a seven-year-old would have understood it.

If you said, do you want to go into outer space, I wouldn't have understood what that meant.

Respectfully, Paul Red, I don't know what your society is like, but most seven-year-olds know what space ships are.

Yeah, never mind.

Are you insulting me when I was seven?

No, no, no, not at all.

C-53, can I talk to you for just a second?

Yeah, of course.

I think the reason why nobody's taken him back to Oregon is because it's protected by the Primo Directivo.

Yeah.

While Oregon could be considered modern in many ways, yeah, they have not figured out interstellar travel, so I mean, we run a pretty big risk bringing Paul Rudd back there.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

Oh, no.

They may have also just gotten tired of Paul Rudd and kicked him off the ship each time.

Yeah,

I could see this little guy leading anyone to crash.

Yeah.

I'm not an asshole.

I'm just lonely and drunk.

Okay.

Wow, someone's speaking my language.

I like you, Bargie.

I like you, Bargie.

What does that one do?

What does that one do?

What does that one do?

Most of them dump cass.

Almost all of them just dump cass.

Which one gives me candy?

Which one do I press to give me candy?

It's this.

But you really want us to respect you as an adult.

Come on.

Adults have sweet teeth.

I have sweet teeth.

That's a good point.

I do too.

This explains why so many of them crashed.

Look, I got into the ship.

The ship is like...

I'm questioning the ship's intentions, to be honest, because I get into the ship, the ship's like, do you want to navigate the ship?

And I'm like, I don't know what that means.

I'm like, yeah.

Well, come on board and just put your hand in here.

And apparently my hand had some kind of power.

Next thing I know, we're flying.

I have a feeling the ship used me to get off the planet.

Wow.

Question: What was uh, what was that ship's name?

Sounds very familiar.

Robin?

Wow.

You know, Robin?

I know Robin.

Uh, they say things, but it's only to use you.

I've been there.

Wait, are you the Vargi?

I am the Bar.

Why?

Oh, they say something about me?

What they say?

What they say?

He loved/slash hated you.

To scratch a lot of Bargie.

You know what?

I'm going to call Robin right now.

Bargie, I think Robin crashed.

I think Bargie.

That's a long time ago, Bargie.

Yeah, I think Robin made me long dead.

Oh, no.

The number you have dialed has crashed.

Oh, wow.

Guys, listen, I know Paul Ritz's annoying.

I know he lives on a primitive planet, but, you know, if we can't save the least of us, how can we save the whole galaxy, right?

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

I was just rinsing my mouth up from the crud that Bargie gave me.

Yeah, but don't play with your drinks like that.

Don't rip bubbles.

What are you doing?

Space hobo stuff.

Okay.

Alright.

It's pretty gross.

Yeah.

Paul Ritz blubbing that crap.

Next thing we know, we'll be making a soup out of shoes.

Let's get him out of here.

What?

What?

Hey, like space hobo stuff.

They take space boots and they.

AJ, how do you know so much about space hobos?

I don't want to talk about it.

Alright, listen.

C-53, do you know where Oregon is?

Can we get there?

Well,

I know this is not going to be popular to hear, but

it is on the way to Mufflad of Secunda, so it really wouldn't slow us down very much at all to drop him off.

But we should really figure out why Bargie is navigating to the left pretty strongly before we make that trip.

Hold on.

Wait, you can't do that then.

Look at that.

I don't know what I'm doing, but apparently we're moving in a direction on that map.

Stop touching that.

Oregon.

Okay, but...

But look, look, Bargie's flight path is correcting itself.

Hey, he's compensating for the second wing.

Hey, let me clarify here.

Those buttons do not control me, okay?

They are suggestions, and he happens to make a good point.

But I am deciding this, okay?

Pargi, is that how your

navigation system works?

It's a series of suggestions?

Just a bunch of suggestions and pitches,

you know.

Wow, these are all just spitballs.

These buttons.

Yeah, so your navigation system is a pitch meeting.

Yeah.

That explains why there's like 30 minutes before we go anywhere.

AJ, explains is a very strong word.

Right, and we often never hear back from people.

Anyway, it's gotten my other wing to stand up straight, therefore giving me the correct direction towards an alcation known as Argan.

Okay, great.

Whatever it takes, Spargy, thank you.

So, Polarita, I think the buttons do work.

Hey, Flargy,

can you play some Bleaser?

Yeah, I'll play some Jucket Bleaser.

My name is Justin Dun Dun Dun Dun.

This is a great jam.

I love this song.

Yeah, it really got bad after a while, but that first one, the orange one.

Looks like tons of fun.

Island in the sun.

Where you gonna go?

We say it is all

So, I think I have this figured out.

If we find a field, you know, nearby a populated area, but not too near, obviously, we could hover above the ground so as not to leave any trace of our landing, drop Paul Rudd there, and then get out of there before anybody's the wiser.

I like that plan.

Where is Paul Rudd?

A fine question.

And where has Paul Rudd been going to the bathroom?

Let's all ask ourselves that.

I'm sure we'll find out.

Bargie, Bargie, where is Paul Rudd?

He's in Justin's room.

Oh.

I don't know.

What?

So wait, tell me, like, how is it that you, like, deal with so many different emotions, but like, keep it still together?

Uh, I do some space rocks from time to time.

Have you had space rocks, kid?

I think they call it dust here.

No, I like to.

What are you getting?

Paul Rudd.

But, like, maybe.

What?

Do not give Justin drugs.

What are you doing?

I am old enough.

Why?

You're not old enough.

No one's old enough.

How old are you, kid?

I'm like, maybe around 17, I think.

It's been established.

Oh, man, that's perfect for Space Rocks.

Okay.

Justin, don't let this old child lead you astray.

Yeah.

No, stop.

Why do you have another bag?

You can't stop.

Get that way out of there.

He's a space hobo.

Of course you can do it.

Okay.

Now that is a stereotype.

All right.

Listen.

I got good news, buddy.

We made it.

We're here.

We made it to Oregon.

I'm home.

That's right.

Oh, my God.

I'm home.

Yeah, yeah.

So.

You know, actually, here, just look at the window.

Tell us about where it is on the planet.

Oh, it's on the other side.

Oh, you got it wrong.

He's so high.

Pawrid, that's fine.

It takes us like two seconds to get to the other side.

That way you're the other side of the planet.

Don't touch that stuff, kid.

What is that doing?

What does that do?

Stop!

No, it's not.

Bargie, pull up.

Porrid, Parrot, are you okay?

I'm doing great.

This is so cool.

I'm home.

Poor?

I'm gonna get in so much trouble, though.

What happened?

Wait a second.

Porrid, how old are you?

I'm seven.

Oh,

no.

Run an age scan.

He's seven.

He's seven years old.

Yeah, that's what I just said.

Paula, you left your bags of space rocks.

Oh, wait.

No, don't give it back.

Don't give those back.

Don't give it to us, but also don't give them back.

Listen.

Paul Red, you gotta go home now, bud, okay?

Everything's fine.

You know,

we just

we found you in this ravine and we fixed up that clock on your head and we're gonna send you back to your mom and dad, okay?

Uh, okay, yeah, sounds good.

Yeah, we're all from Oregon.

Yes,

I think you're in Oregon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, wait, am I in trouble?

No, no, no, no,

no, no, that's fine.

Just uh, you know, uh, whatever you do, don't tell your parents about any of this.

No, right.

That's always a good thing.

But not in a creepy way.

Not in a creepy way.

It's not creepy when you're sad.

Alright, is that you?

Run.

Okay, our budget, let's get out of here.

So long.

Bye.

See ya.

Bye.

Bye.

My darling, Porter.

Mom, I'm here.

It's me.

Where have you been?

We've been looking for you.

Do you do you smell like booze?

I don't know.

Oh,

I was older when I drank it.

What is that?

How is it?

I'm 55.

Oh, boy.

Oh,

Notice he's not here.

Probably riding the rails or something like that.

Wow.

AJ was really crossed by a hobo at some point.

I guess my only question is:

why did he get young again when we returned him to Oregon?

I guess I understand why he looked seven, but you do?

I know exactly what happened.

Oh,

good Marchie.

We need this explanation.

Now everyone who watched the sequel does actually zipper, right?

Uh

I don't know if I saw that.

Oh yes, I said old iHook.

Yeah, I saw iHook.

Basically, end of the day, what we learned from this whole quadrilogy

is that if you believe in yourself,

anything is possible.

That doesn't explain.

Well,

it sounds like Bargie's trying to say there's some sort of narrative satisfaction in the fact that, you know, we brought him back and he returned to the age that he once was when he

was.

But where's the literal satisfaction?

Where's the science?

But what I'm asking is how satisfaction.

it was a moment of lowness when they lost everything.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

But I imagine that's why they were like a seven-year-old who sounded like a 55-year-old.

And then they meet you, and that's a positive thing, but also in a way, honestly, a negative thing.

It's the belly of the beast and me and the goddess at the same time.

Right?

And then, in the end, they found a happy ending, and everyone had no questions.

But Pargi, literally, why did he turn into a seven- like scientifically, how is that possible?

I don't know about that.

Hmm.

I only have one wing again.

Wait, what?

Not a bad time at all.

Hey, Bargie, you lost your wing?

What happened?

I don't know, but maybe it's because I crashed into a ravine.

Okay, yeah.

I don't know.

Okay.

Wow, they did not put that wing on well.

That snapped right off.

Hold on, hold on, let me check social media.

Yeah, people hate me again.

Already.

This is Searad IT5, Credits and Attributions Joy Commencing Outro Protocol.

Fleck Dexeter was played by Alden Ford, C53 was played by Jeremy Bent.

Dar was played by Ali Krokesh.

Right to the Ship and Paul Rudd's Mom were played by Bujan Sulfagari.

Nerva Bundalay was played by Seth Lynde.

AJ was played by Winston Null.

Paul Rudd was played by special guest Hari Kundabalu.

Hari is a comedian and writer whose stand-up special, War Near Relatives, is available on Netflix.

Find him on Twitter and Instagram at Hari Kundabolu.

And featuring Cole, Semyon Grafe as young Paul Rudd.

This episode was edited by Seth Lynde with sound design and mixed by Shane O'Connell.

Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by famous Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor.

Original laser music by Shane O'Connell.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Ship design with Margerian Jade by Eric Goyce.

Audio hosting by Simplecast.

Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maxwell Fun Network.

I'm John Moe.

My show Depressed Mode is all about mental health.

And this week, I talk with Amanda Knox.

She spent four years in an Italian prison for a murder she didn't commit.

That's a lot of trauma, and she's okay talking about it.

If I touch on something that you'd rather not get into, just say so.

We'll cut the whole exchange out.

But it also seems like you're pretty open about a lot of things.

Yeah, yeah.

I am having trouble imagining anything that you could talk to me about that I...

No, I know.

What are we going to throw Amanda Knox with?

Depressed Mode with John Moe, only on maximum fun.

For over a decade, Max FunCon has been an incredible weekend of learning, connecting, and laughing with folks in the MaxFun community.

And, if all goes according to plan, the last regularly scheduled MaxFunCon will take place in Lake Arrowhead from June 3rd to June 5th, 2022.

We have a very limited number of tickets remaining.

To make them available to the maximum number of people, we'll be opening our waitlist for tickets on January 23rd at 5 p.m.

Pacific.

That'll be your chance to be first in line to purchase tickets, and we'll go down the waitlist until we're at capacity.

More details at maxfuncon.com and mark your calendars for Sunday, January 23rd at 5 p.m.

Pacific.

MaximumFun.org.

Comedy and culture.

Artist owned, audience supported.

So Paul Red, you're 55, but why do you still wear that Little League t-shirt?

These are the clothes I had on when I left my home planet.

Where do you expect me to find children's clothing?

Any, literally any, a mall, any, any children's store.

With what currency?

Bargie, Bargie, you got some kids' clothes in one of those closets?

Wow.

Okay, well, I don't think that was an accusation of him being murdered by.

Yeah, Bargie, I don't think there was anything mean-spirited.

You got a lot of clothes.

That's some of what you're saying.

There's just a lot of them.

Yeah, but, you know, Paund, you could have gotten a job or, you know,

why are you blaming the victim, man?

All right.

I was kidnapped by a spaceship.

I mean, that's true.

Yeah, also unfortunately.

Pleck, you got to wonder about somebody who's willing to hire a seven-year-old, you know?

It's not a great look.

And it's hard to ace an interview when you're seven.

Oh, wait, I apologize.

I do have children outfit.

McCrae lacrosse's little son used to dress up as a sailor and dance around.

So we could have him wear an adorable sailor outfit.

It feels like a lateral movement.

Yeah, Barge.

I don't think we can.

Red, do you want to wear this sailor outfit?

Still short pants.

I would rather wear the tattered rags I've been wearing for 48 years.

Okay.

Not a great sign.

No.

The space hobo thing is just going to follow you around.