514: The ‘Lapse of Luxury [ft. Aaron Burdette]

It is a time of great unease.

The crew of the Bargerian Jade have finally made it home to their beloved quadrant.

But something is different

wrong.

Whack!

Now, our intrepid heroes must root out the bad vibes, master the three-sided coin of freshness, and face down foes like they've never imagined on their final

mission to six

Oh, feels good to have a mission.

Yeah, feels good to have a mission.

It's one of the three types of missions.

It's a homicide mission.

A hom wait, a homicide mission is a type of mission?

Yeah, we have to kill Nermit Bundaloy.

So there's three types of missions.

Listen up.

There's suicide mission,

homicide mission,

insecticide mission.

Wait, should we kill a bunch of crack, but don't tell this guy over here?

I'm sorry, what?

Look at those.

What was that?

You just said bug antenna working overtime.

Ugh.

Wrigling.

And there's a fourth kind of mission which I'm told I'm not supposed to talk about.

Genocide mission.

This is a homicide mission where we drop in, kill one person, and get out.

And it feels good to have purpose.

I'll just put that out there.

Yeah.

I mean, homicide might sort of be a strong word.

Like, I sort of think we're righting a galactic wrong.

You know, we're fixing a paradox.

Hey, hey, can everyone keep it just a little down?

I'm apologizing to my son.

Oh, oh,

good for you.

That's great news.

Okay.

Son, hey.

Uh, mom, what?

What do you know?

I just want to make sure I call you by your proper name.

What is this?

What's this get up?

Get up.

This isn't a get up, mom.

I'm a tough mudder course now.

What?

I'm a tough mudder course.

You know, like, it's like team building, like business corporations.

It's like an obstacle course, but it's just in mud, and it's like...

Okay.

Guys, Bloombey's just a a huge mud pit right now uh i think there's some ropes you can make out if you look closely

i feel partially responsible for whatever state this is that you're in state i have been missing for a while okay

because i physically was thrown into another part of space i mean what do you want me to say you've always kind of been gone you know if it's not oh i got shot into another galaxy it's like oh i'm sorry banana forensic is having like a private planet party, and I have to go.

No kids allowed.

No kids allowed, cause some naughty things happened.

Oh, wow.

Yikes.

Whoa.

Just remembering.

Sorry.

And then there was that period where you didn't want to parent me because you didn't, quote, feel like it.

Well, you know, every parrot goes through that part, apparently, when they don't feel like it.

Yeah, but they don't act on it, mom.

Anyway, I'm here, and I'm in front of you, and I spent a lot of time thinking I met a brother of yours who wasn't a brother of yours.

What?

Why even bring that up?

And it made me realize just how I want to be part of your life.

Wow, um,

I feel like I always take debate on this, but

okay, yeah, great.

So take our calendars out and figure out a time we can.

We're here right now.

What about next next week?

I I'm kind of booked, mom.

Okay.

Yeah, if Ronka Cybernetics is doing an executive training.

Yeah, then I'm going to...

Oh, in the week after, though.

The month after, the month after.

Well, the month after, I'm

getting married, Mom.

Me too.

What?

Alright, well.

Bargie.

Let's connect.

What?

Okay.

Wait, I just...

You know where I am.

I really want to.

What?

Bargie, at the beginning of this conversation, you said you were apologizing to him.

I didn't know.

Oh, I forgot that, Bargain.

I am sorry.

Oh, he's gone.

Oh, he's gone.

Oh, he's gone.

I'm sorry.

I think I would lead with that next time.

Yeah, aren't you?

Alright.

Parenting, right?

Tough love.

So hard.

Well, it is a challenge, certainly.

Hey, Keyas.

Hey, Nermit.

Hey, guys.

Hey, so before we, like...

Um, the other Nermit, I was wondering, I find it really hard to find people who I can, like,

vibe with duet style, and I really think that if I could just get like honestly two hours in the studio with the other Nerman I feel like we could just

are you suggesting that we hold off deposing a shadow emperor so that you could potentially harmonize with yourself exact yes C gets it

why wouldn't you just overdub it?

It's the same person.

I can never quite get it like yeah, no kidding.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, Nermin actually brings brings up a good point though because like you know we've all been sort of assuming we're gonna have to kill nermit bundaloy uh but

yeah right but maybe there's another way it also seems harsh because he's probably a cool guy oh well he's probably just like you sort of no guarantee there listen regardless of how we deal with other nermit we gotta do it now before things get more whack we gotta get to Quantaris yeah that's totally right because if I'm 15 minutes late for the studio, I actually lose the

reservation.

You breathe the studio to hit Quantaris?

Yeah, I can't guarantee.

You can't just walk in and think you're gonna get the good live room.

What if he's trying to kill you, Nermit?

I mean, honestly, that type of aggression, if you harness it right, the song can come alive.

So, I think.

Yeah, well, I hope you didn't put a deposit down on that studio, Nermin.

I

Bargie, listen, what?

We can't juck around anymore.

We gotta set a course for Quantaris.

We'll discuss it on the way.

Is everybody in?

Captain Darr, I mean, I well, I guess.

Uh, hold on there.

Maybe this is something we should dig into right now.

The Sem made you our leader.

That's a good point, but we're no longer envoys of the coup, so

I'm no longer lead envoy.

Yes.

Guys, I'll do it.

Nerman,

just

wait.

That would be another position that no one nominated you for.

Guys, I'll do it.

Oh,

I mean,

Bargie, you want to handle all the logistics of missions?

What?

Hot?

No, I just want to wear cool hat.

Now, I

bring that back.

AJ, you want to be captain?

I don't know.

That's pretty beta.

Is that true?

How is it beta to lead?

Papa, do you want to do it?

Uh, sure.

Fine.

I just think we need to get going, you know?

Bargy, can we set a course for Quantaris, please?

Uh, yeah, sure, we can get there, yeah.

But have some good reading material, cause it's gonna take seven years.

Uh,

no, no, AJ, we need better than I don't know.

Bargie, seven years?

Bargy, we have to go to Quantares.

The core worlds aren't even that far away.

It should take 48 hours max.

Just fire up the hyperdrive.

I don't even think the studio will take reservations seven years in advance.

Like, you can't

easily the least of our problems.

I mean, are we low on gas or?

No, I got lots of gas.

Okay.

I plenty for the gas.

Bargy, stop ejecting gas.

No reason to waste it, Barge.

Yeah, we do.

It shouldn't be coming inside the ship, Barge.

But I can't go to hyperspace without my battery, you silly gooses.

Oh.

Come on, you know how ships work.

I actually don't, Bargy.

Barge, you need to recharge your hyperdrive battery?

Yeah, that only happens once every a thousand years.

Yeah, those are designed to last.

No, that can't be right.

Bargy, you're nowhere near a thousand years old.

Well, a thousand years is the projected battery life, but different circumstances can change that pretty dramatically.

Hey, let's see that clip.

Nope, that doesn't work.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Most ships also run their hollow projectors off of the hyperdrive battery.

Are you saying Bargie ran down her hyperdrive by showing too many clips of her movies?

Yeah.

Nothing has ever made less sense and more sense at the same time.

Most ships just...

Don't watch this many clips.

You know.

I do force you to watch a movie every day, so.

I love movie movie day.

Movie Day is every day, AJ.

Yeah, yeah, that's I think that's probably part of the problem.

I love every day.

I was gonna say, let's see a clip of movie day, but

is it all of us watching a hollow?

Yeah.

Oh, we gotta get that charged.

All right, Bargi, what do we have to do to get your hyperdrive battery back online?

You charge it.

Okay, okay.

You plug it in for like 30 minutes or something.

Oh, what?

Thousand-year battery?

That can't.

Why can't you just plug it in to the wall?

There's outlets everywhere.

That's not how it works.

That's not how it works.

Okay.

I guess we're going to that visible planet.

Yeah, I'd start there.

Maybe we'll luck out.

Works for me.

Barchie, how is there not an inverter or something that you can plug in to charge it with gas?

Just hearing you makes me dethrone you and be captain.

I'm throwing it back to dog.

I was never captain.

Hey, dog, nice one.

Wow.

They really had that trumpet at the ready.

He kept one.

Wow.

I mean, couldn't have chosen a better place to emergency land.

This is always kind of what you want in an alien planet, you know, just huge evergreens.

It smells great here.

Yeah, listen to all those birds.

Yeah.

Yeah, you guys are all excited.

Everybody's excited now until there's, you know,

people hiding in the brush ready to take out your strike team.

What?

Yeah.

Is that something that happened to you on a mission before?

Should we check the brush?

I don't know.

I mean, what we did was before anybody could do that, we burned the whole thing down.

Oh, AJ, that's not quite quite what is there, striking the brush is moving.

Oh, no.

Yeah, that's it.

Alright, we're gonna need flamethrowers.

Take it on.

No, AJ, that's sort of an impish chuckle.

That doesn't really seem like someone who's trying to.

We mean you no harm.

Yeah, that was our official greeting, flamethrower.

Hello.

Oh, my ra.

Hello.

Wow.

Cute.

Oh, look at this adorable little fuzzy guy.

Hello.

Hello, I'm Chunky Tubbins.

His name is Chunky Tubbins.

Get out of here with this.

Chunky Tubbins.

Wow.

Look at this guy.

Hey, Tubbins, do you have identification?

We typically identify ourselves with our hug style.

Okay.

Yeah, AJ.

Get in here.

That's not balance.

That's not valuable.

Stand down, AJ.

Look at this guy.

I don't like this.

Wow.

Everybody get a little fur.

That's a good hug.

Oh, wow.

That fur is soft.

Are you hypoallergenic?

Everyone is here.

There's no allergies on this planet.

Not a single allergen.

We don't have any flowers.

Maybe you noticed.

Oh, it's yeah, it's still sort of like ferns and moss.

It's hard to notice the things that aren't there.

Aren't there, yeah.

The first thing we're taught in school here is what we don't have.

It starts with flowers?

That's lesson one.

Day one, you walk in.

Hey, Chunky Tubbids and the other snook'ems.

We're called Snookums.

Is the name of your species?

Yes, we're the Snookums.

Oh, there's more of you?

There's eight billion of us.

Wow.

That's a lot of cuteness.

Are those snookums rustling?

Is that what's rustling in the

brush?

Oh, for sure.

Show yourselves.

AJ.

Oh, they're AJ.

AJ.

Look what your blaster guys are.

They're adorable.

Chunky,

Mr.

Tubbins, how should I Chunky Tubbins?

Please call me Chunky Tubbins.

Okay, Chunky Tubbins.

Tell us about your society.

There's a lot of you here.

I mean,

are you interplanetary?

Are you only on this planet?

Well, we try to keep it local.

Our main commodity, commodity, I would say, is our cuteness.

Oh, I'll say.

Adorability.

Oh, uh-huh.

And we love to be snuggled, so it's no skin off our back.

Okay.

Why don't you get in here, little guy?

Okay, let's do it again.

Now, Chuck and Tubbins,

is there a currency exchange when you're being cute and people are witnessing your cuteness?

No.

It's a bartering system.

We'll cuddle stuff in exchange for perhaps further cuddles.

Okay.

Sometimes we'll trade a snuggle for a cuddle or

a little head pat for a butt scratch.

This is a bullshit.

What's going on here?

You're the mission guy.

What kind of mission is this?

Do we need to take them all out?

AJ, we were headed on a very specific mission and then we were waylaid.

There's no...

We were waylaid, that's right.

So we should take them all out and complete the mission.

Can I squeeze in between you two real quick?

Absolutely, absolutely.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Come on,

come on,

make a little chunk witch with me, AJ.

Come on, come on.

Give me a hug.

Fine.

No.

We're the only invertebrates with legs.

Amazing.

Our anatomy consists of a bunch of things we call cute sacks that are stacked on top of each other.

So you basically are literally like a stuffed animal then.

That's right.

A collection of cells that is meant to have one thing done to it, and that is be smuggled.

Wow.

Chunky Tub is, I gotta say, I'm impressed by how your society has merged with this beautiful planet.

You know, there's all of those walkways between the trees.

You've got a lot of huts up there.

I see a couple of snookums swinging from tree to tree.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, these could all be easily changed into weapons of war so let's

ever do that oh yeah you put a couple those vines around logs and like swing them together at the same time that takes a clip transport out like that next thing you know all the cute little aliens are using your helmets for a xylophone what they

what do i have to be clear they put the helmets in a row and played them like a xylophone but

clip helmets different notes yeah clip helmets are all the same they make the same notes

it was a jaunty tune that they were playing in celebration.

AJ, that happened to you?

That's why we burned the jungle down.

Can I squeeze in real quick?

No bones.

Very easy for him to ring.

AJ, listen, look at this little guy.

Here's the thing: if there's anything I've heard from all the other clints, is that usually the cuter a species is, the more deadly they are.

So let's go through it.

Do you have like a poisonous pincher up your butt or something?

Nope, no poisons whatsoever.

Okay.

Hey, Jake, that was your first question.

The butt?

Are you like the wiffles where you just kind of multiply and it becomes this crazy thing and it's too much of you?

Oh, that's a good question.

Oh, no.

No, not at all.

We've uh we've fully uh plateaued as a species.

We're like, that's enough, and now we just stopped having sex.

You couldn't get cuter, you might as well very pragmatic.

Yeah, and honestly, knowing that these cuddles are strictly platonic makes them that much more appealing.

Okay, if we feed you or get you wet, do you get mean?

No, I'd like it.

What?

People don't get mean when you feed them, they get less mean.

I've heard stories.

What kind of stories?

Mog, why would you suggest that?

Okay, never.

Okay.

Are you secretly like a blob creature inside of you or something?

Put your hand inside my butt.

I don't wanna allow.

I have like a little puppet hole.

It's just lying.

It feels just like fabric.

That's right.

Okay.

We're so soft.

Alright.

See,

Yeah, I know this is difficult to believe, but we are a war-free,

exclusively tourism-based society that has no dark secrets to speak of whatsoever.

Wow.

Wow, that's an ominous way to phrase that.

Yeah, I was with you.

I was with you.

Was the truth ominous?

Sometimes, to be perfectly frank with you, yes, sometimes it is.

Give me an example of the truth being ominous.

Well, uh, eventually the galaxy will succumb to heat death and become a cold, frozen wasteland.

Oh, but who can think of that when you have all of these to hold and squeeze?

Are those babies?

Oh my gosh.

Yeah, darn, you're holding like 15 of them.

Oh, but there's so much dar to go around and so many snookles to hold.

Some of them seem holiday-themed?

What's the deal?

Yeah,

we have a lot of variety.

We want to make sure there's a little something for everybody here.

Different colored little, like, long hoods.

I will say, maybe the biggest flaw with our entire species is we are a little vain.

No.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, sure.

Not the no bones?

I wouldn't call that a flaw.

That's a feature.

Honestly, you're right.

Also, the C53, you don't have bones.

Yeah.

And all your features are bugs.

This insect-looking guy here, this hideous guy doesn't have bones?

Well, he is an exoskeleton.

I object to the term hideous.

I apologize.

Hideous is just a word here we use for anyone who doesn't look as cuddly as us.

It's not meant to be an insult.

It's just, you know, again, the truth.

Yeah, it's just an ominous statement of fact or whatever you all call it.

Good point, Dart.

Okay, well, Chunky Tubbins, do you have power sources for us?

Because, you know, that's what our mission is.

Well,

we've got a bunch back at snookumsville wow our capital

okay yeah we use a lot of wind power a lot of hydroelectric um hydroelectric mm-hmm wow we disguise it as uh vines and uh leaves and wood giant logs that swing back and forth

it is cute and it it it adds to our aesthetic considerably more adorable well you want to get going i can show you what we got

yeah yeah absolutely

sure let's look around

Okay, well, uh, as you walk through,

snookums are singing, of course.

Oh, it's just all kinds of snookums hugging.

Yeah,

pretty flammable.

Pretty flammable.

Did you say flammable, AJ?

The s the place is flammable.

All we have to do is

get rid of the flammable.

Yeah, but you gotta make a flammable assessment when you go into a place.

You're like, can we burn it?

I don't think.

What?

Wow, look at that intricate carving of all of those different kinds of hugs.

Yes, this depicts the journey of our species from being kind of cuddly to being extremely cuddly.

Oh, yeah, I guess I can see it.

Over on the left, there's sort of like a

sort of a friendly kind of a business sort of hug.

And over here on the right, it's just what a warm embrace oh it looks like you evolved to lose bones i see spines on these early ones oh yeah we got rid of those pronto

spines

yeah

we did not need those

wow chunky tubbins what a nice little society this is could we give you a few hugs for a recharge of our ship's hyperdrive battery and then we'll be on our way A battery recharge, I think, is probably going to take more than a few hugs.

I don't mean to drive a hard bargain, but uh.

How many hugs are we talking?

600 hugs?

600 hugs!

That's right.

Pleck, you have to understand from their perspective, they're offering us a thousand years of battery life.

I mean, they don't know how we're gonna squander it.

That's true.

Yeah, that's true.

600.

Easy.

Easy.

Yes, what?

This large one has been hugging snookums this whole time.

They have plenty of hugs if they want to trade for power.

This is a hug-rich species?

We've struck gold.

They're hugging dozens of us at a time.

Wow, Dar, good job.

We have to take advantage of this.

Gather everyone.

Yeah, they're climbing Dar like a tree.

Wow, ha ha.

Oh, there's so many.

You're going to revitalize our economy, I can just tell.

Wow, I've never thought about it that way, but when somebody hugs me, I, you know, really, really stays with me for the whole day, you know?

I feel like a richer person.

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

Never mind.

Chunky Tubbins,

do you have a vine long enough for me to run back to our ship?

I'll just take that back, plug in Bargie, and we'll be good to go.

Yeah, that sounds great.

We have a couple of vines over there that are hooked up to our hydroelectric dam.

I got you.

I got the other one.

Okay, no,

you don't have to.

This is way too...

You can come with me, but I'll carry the vines.

Carry me, but I'm still going to hold the vine so that I'm doing something.

But you carry me.

And Chunky Tubbins we'll be right back.

Elegant house husband's polymorous mouse.

Oh yeah.

So back down to further down.

Tiny recorder, long microphone, microphone, tear up the camera.

Hello.

So, preliminious.

Yeah.

Now that your show has been put on indefinite hiatus, while galactic leader Nervit Bundaloy airs seemingly benign government programming around the clock on nearly every hollow channel, how are you managing to keep the drama alive?

It hasn't been easy, Dinkle.

Normally I, Polyminius and ounce, don't give a couch.

But I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been throwing back flute after flute of Tristogram's non-alcoholic champagne for pets.

My only salvation is fashion.

My goodness, yes, just look at you.

Who are you wearing?

Polemonius Nouch.

You have a line?

Basically, yeah.

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Wow, wow, wow.

Well, now, back to the boring wrestlers.

Thanks, Dinkle.

This just is.

Legions of clone soldiers have descended on Quantaris in what can only be described as a shockingly dictatorial move on the part of Galactic Leader.

Okay, what title should we choose this evening?

On Storytime with Galactic Leader Bundal.

Ooh, one GUP, two GUP, Red Gurp, Blue Gurp.

Yummy classic.

I gotta say, I feel like we have bigger things to do.

Like we are literally supposed to be saving the universe right now.

But yeah,

it's just nice, it's nice to do something fun, you know.

It's nice to just be we're back in zix.

There's some cute little cuddly guys.

Absolutely.

I think I needed a break more than I thought.

I know it feels good to.

I mean, I'm exhausted, I can't work anymore, but it feels good to just use your body.

Give me the vines, Nermit.

Okay, you take these, and I'm just gonna.

Whoa, my foot's stuck.

Nermit, keep up.

It's stuck.

Oh, Nermit,

are you okay down there?

Nermit,

grab my hand.

It's alright.

Oh, yeah, that makes more sense.

Take the vine.

It might be charged with electricity.

I don't know how it works.

Alright, Nermit, we're gonna go.

Ow!

Man, now we're both in here.

Yeah, the vine was wrapped around my ankle when I threw it down.

Oh.

So

pulled me in.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh my rod, it's hideous!

Oh my gosh.

It's like mostly tongue

helped.

Oh, mostly tongue and genitals.

That's all it is.

Oh, what is that tube connecting?

It's hooked up to a machine.

This is terrible.

What's happening?

I'm being siphoned for my cuteness.

I don't think that you're a good candidate for that.

Hermit.

Please, don't leave me.

I'm a hideous, visible pro-lapstainous.

I really, I really want to leave you.

My name used to be Slapty Chuckleberg, but now they just call me Prolapstanus.

Oh,

that's so rude.

I mean, it's accurate.

Please,

you have to save me and my people.

Are you you are a snookum?

I was a snookum.

I am a snookum.

I'm an ugly snookum.

The lowest of the low.

Oh no.

I mean.

This machine simulates hugs, but reverse hugs.

Like somebody who you run into at a party that you've met a thousand times, but they don't remember your name.

Oh, and you hug them and it's like,

yeah, yeah.

It's doing that to me constantly.

Well, I'll never forget your name.

Uh.

Which one?

Well, I remember Carlosanus, but I know that that's not for a real mission.

See, that's the problem, but the way this system works, that's all you're gonna remember.

Oh, no.

I'm doing it.

I'm making it worse.

Oh, no.

So this unhugging machine is...

What is it doing?

It's siphoning off all of my cuteness and bottling it so it can be transferred to the rich elite snookums above.

Oh yeah, back there I can the bottler.

Oh,

that's that's how the snookums stay cute by stealing the cuteness from each other?

And then they get rich with more and more hugs while we sit down here growing extra genitals.

Oh no.

Listen,

short of hugging you, what can I do to help?

Well, that's about it.

We gotta carry these vines and stuff, so we would totally hug you, but.

You know what?

We're gonna we'll be back, okay?

We just gotta plug in our ship.

We gotta get the rest of our crew, and then we're gonna figure out how to help you.

You know how many people have said that?

Everybody falls down this damn well.

We will totally be back.

Yeah, right.

I'll believe it when I see it with my one eye.

Here,

I'll unhook you from this machine.

Make sense.

Is it rude to take a couple bottles of the cuteness just to

rude?

I don't know.

It's pretty thirsty on this vine hike.

It's super rude.

3,338.

3,339.

Dar.

Yeah.

Dar, we've long since paid for Bargie's recharge.

I don't think you need to keep hugging so much.

Oh, they should be paying me.

Yeah, I don't think that's how their economy works, though.

3,300 and I've lost count.

I guess I should start over.

I'm number one.

I'm number one.

Number one.

Number two.

Mr.

Bookman, I'm telling you, these things are going to turn on us and it's going to get ugly.

AJ,

I think this might just be a planet of friendly, soft creatures.

And head on a swivel.

I don't know that we're going to be attacked at any time.

And honestly,

yes.

Here, I'll just.

Rosh, you're just so soft.

You guys can have all the fun you want, but somebody's got to keep us safe from these soft, boneless creatures, and that's me.

AJ, what do you think would happen even if they did start attacking us?

What could they possibly do to you, a super soldier in highly advanced armor, and me, the pinnacle of bug-based evolution?

Plop on us?

I don't know.

They do.

Are you hearing yourself?

Plop on us?

Well, I'd like to weigh in if that's okay.

Where did you keep covered from, man?

I was under your feet.

Yeah, he's constantly underfoot.

Don't step on me.

Oh, should we make this a group hug?

Oh, please.

There we go.

Yay.

Did somebody say hey?

They're swarming us.

They're swarming us.

This is a swarm.

Yay!

We are a swarm.

Now, Chunky, you know, we're giving out a lot of hugs here.

And, you know,

if your economy is hug-based, there is a danger of too many hugs potentially devaluing a hug.

Well, all I can tell is that we're getting rich, baby.

Keep it coming.

Nothing can go wrong.

Too big to fail.

Well,

could you imagine there being any such thing as too much money?

Yes, it's actually ruined many planetary economies.

Okay, bad question.

Could you imagine there being uh

too much happiness?

Okay, well now that is hard to imagine.

Get over here.

There you go.

Our economy is strong.

Listen, Prolapstanis, I'm so sorry about what happened to you, but we're gonna get you out of here.

And then I'm gonna have some strong words for Chunky Tubbins.

And say your original name one more time.

I swear we'll remember it.

It's just mine.

No, we'll remember remember this time.

It's not quite.

Please remember.

It's Slapty Chucklebags.

Slapty.

Right.

Slapty Chucklebags.

I thought it was Slapty Chuckleberg.

Was it?

Yeah, I think it was.

You forgot.

You've been going by prolapse.

I've been in the machine too long.

Slapty.

Slaptty, we will not forget you.

No, we remember it.

Somebody's coming.

Somebody's coming.

Professor Prolapsed Aid.

No one's called me a professor in years.

I've missed my time at Snookum's U.

I have the unfortunate news to tell you.

We're laying you off.

What?

This is considered employment?

You've sucked all the cuteness out of me and you're cutting me loose?

Cutting you loose?

They're hooking up another snookums to the machine.

Oh, man.

Alright, you get in there.

Hold still.

Yeah, that's right.

We're gonna extract all that cuteness out of you and then

won't take long.

Hey!

Who's that?

Yeah, look at it.

Nero!

Run!

Up the vine!

Wow!

Oh boy, this is harder than it looks.

Oh, climbing it up.

Oh, boy, I should have.

I'm a little ways up.

Okay, I'm gonna hold on to you instead of the vine.

You can pull us.

This is.

I thought, you know, you see people like walking up this.

That's way harder than it seems.

Oh, that's a good thing these guys are small.

That was really hard.

Let us never speak of what we've seen.

Alright, yes.

Hey, guys.

Oh!

Hello.

Oh, there.

Hi.

Must be a faster way to the surface.

Hello, uh, Prolapsanus.

I mean, um, uh, slap the slappy McChockey.

Slappy.

Shoot.

We did.

Wow.

Oh,

you really tried.

But

there's nothing for me now.

I mean, look at me.

Who's gonna cuddle me now?

I'm you're somebody.

Somebody might.

Somebody will.

No one will cuddle me.

No, somebody will.

I know.

It happened to my father and his father before him.

I'm uh headed for the Thresher.

What?

Yeah, I'm giving up.

There's a big Thresher that just kind of smashes us to bits because we can't die otherwise.

No bones.

It's complicated.

Yeah, bones aren't really what keep you.

Never mind.

I don't know.

I don't know how your species works, but bones aren't the thing that keeps you from dying?

Keeps you from dying necessarily.

Well, it is for us.

Okay, alright.

I can't justify it.

I wasn't a professor of anatomy.

By the way, what were you a professor of, Professor Prolapsanis?

Indigenous studies.

Oh, okay.

Hey, here come Bleck and Nermit running towards us.

This is it.

This is it.

Lock and load.

We gotta get out of here.

No, no, they're running in for a hug.

They're running in for a hug.

We're gonna lay waste to this place.

I know.

Guys, we figured it out.

There's a dark secret here in Snookumsville.

There's a deep, dark secret.

It's literally deeper.

It's literally dark.

They are siphoning cuteness out of the poor Snookums in Snookumsville.

They use it to power their whole economy.

They take the cuteness and give it to the rich so that they can stay on top.

They have no respect for professors.

Okay.

So this is a threat to us right now?

No,

it's not a threat.

It's just a planetary injustice, a societal wrong that they're inflicting on their own kind.

All right, stand out, everybody.

Just a planetary injustice.

So

am I allowed to hug them anymore?

I don't understand.

Hold off for just a second, Dar.

We have to.

Can I get in here?

Oh, whoa.

Oh, hey.

It's short.

What are you guys talking about?

Yeah.

Um...

Chunky, like, I know I wasn't supposed to take one of these, but can you explain this?

Oh uh that looks like some kind of hip drink the kids are into it's a bottle of cuteness Chunky Tubbins and you know it you went down you went beneath the city yes that was siphoned off of

slapty

slapty

McCuckle bags

and now he's barely recognizable yeah a once lauded professor brought low he was my teacher he taught you indigenous studies oh he taught me we hooked him up to the machine and we sucked him dry that is grim

that's what we do here.

You know, can I just say how disappointed I am that there's a dark secret?

I really thought this was just a cozy cuddly planet.

Can I say I'm disappointed that it was it was just sort of like an internal matter?

Can I fair or is that not you mean that no one was attacking AJ?

We're fine.

We're taking this power, right?

Yeah, we hooked up Bargie.

We've got the vines hooked in.

Should we just go?

We can just take off, right?

AJ, this is terrible.

It's horrific.

Chunky Tubbins, there's 8 billion snookums on this planet.

How many of them live above ground?

600.

No,

what?

That's right.

Yikes.

There are several billion snookums underground.

Oh, no.

Being siphoned at any given time.

Chunky Tubbins, no.

Hey, is anybody gonna stop Dar from hugging everybody or Dar Dar?

What?

Dar, knock it.

Don't, don't, this is exactly what Chunky Tubbins wants.

Yes, fill us up fill us with riches if there are only 600 of you that means those snookums are coming back around for seconds and thirds and fourths.

That's right.

You're just making the cuddly cuddlier.

That's right.

We walk off and we change our little hat and then we come back for more.

Nobody can tell us apart.

There's nothing for you to do about this.

This is our culture and it's working great.

All 600 of us who live above ground are doing perfectly well and you don't hear any of the people underground complaining because they're out of earshot, and nothing will ever change!

Yes?

The Snuggles and Pats 500 crashed, you say?

The S ⁇ P 500 is completely gone.

So there's...

there's rampant hug inflation, you say.

So you're saying that...

giving out thousands and thousands of hugs all at once was uh a bad idea

And the quality of the hugs was so good that we can never live up to them.

Our entire economical system has fully collapsed, and we are spiraling into a debt crisis.

Okay.

Wow.

I did sort of mention this to them, and I feel like it's not a problem.

This is a crisis we never could have predicted.

Oh, they're just bouncing back up so cutely.

Yeah, it doesn't really seem to affect them, but they really seem to be giving it a shot.

We can't die unless we go at a thresher.

Wait, so what happened?

Can somebody explain this to me as if I don't know economics?

So, AJ, imagine you've got 10 Nermos, right?

Uh-huh.

And you want to buy a new, I don't know, butt gun,

and it costs 10 Nermos.

Right.

But imagine every other Clint just got a thousand Nermos, and there's only one butt gun.

Is this making sense, or am I

sort of.

I'm not sure where the hugs are coming into it all.

That was my mistake trying to use an analogy.

Dummits.

Yes.

What is happening in Snookumsville?

All is lost.

You look sad.

Do you need a hug?

No, that's the last thing I want.

Bargie, got the power.

Let's fire up that movie day clip.

No, no, Bargie, don't do it.

All right, put it, put it.

Turn it off.

Have we learned nothing?

All right, everyone, it's movie day.

Oh,

whose turn is it?

Ooh, me, me, can we please watch Lockwood and where you were the cuckoo clock, Bargie?

You know, and you were made out of wood?

Bargie, stop the clip.

You're draining your battery.

But it's charged now, Pleck.

We can watch.

Okay, all right.

We can watch as many clips as we want.

We don't have a thousand years.

No, we should have done it.

We definitely don't have a thousand years.

And here are clips of Pleck telling us not to do things.

Bargie, stop the clip.

You're draining your battery.

This is just a few seconds ago.

Bargie, you're recording all of this right now just to play it later?

I'm always recording.

You're recording all of this right now just to play it later.

Yeah, I think the cameras and audio equipment also run off the hypertrip

battery.

Of course they do.

Wow.

Oh boy.

Listen, Bargie,

I'm glad you're charged up.

Can we get to space now?

Wait, where's Dar?

Whoa.

Oh, wait, we can't leave without Dar.

Oh, Dar didn't get on the ship with us?

Oh, Dar was really, really into those hugs.

Yeah, I guess that's true.

No worries.

Here

Dar is.

Hey.

Oh.

Hey.

Hey.

Dart.

Have you always had that goatee?

Oh, this old thing?

You.

Ow!

Whoa, bro.

You hit him pretty hard.

Maybe then Pleck will

think about commenting on my appearance again, right?

Wow.

Yeah, Pleck.

Oh, whoa, yeah.

Yeah, to be fair, Pleck, we're kind of judgy about that, goatee.

Well, no, I just feel like.

Thank you, Bug.

Oh, okay, that's a pretty good nickname.

Well, anyway, Dar, I'm glad you're back.

I just want to say, let's all, together, as a team, go and destroy that evil doppelganger who's definitely the only one in the galaxy.

Captain Darr,

here's your horn.

The bridge is yours.

Thank you.

Captain Darr.

Captain Darr.

That's me, Captain Darr.

That's weird.

I'm on guard.

This is Sea Red IT5, Credits and Attributions Joint, commencing outro protocol.

Pleck Dexter was played by Alden Ford.

C-53 was played by Jeremy Bett.

Dar was played by Ali Kokesh.

Bargie the Ship, the Snookum who runs the anti-hug machine were played by Mujan Zulfogari.

Nerve Bundalay was played by Cecilin.

AJ was played by Winston Null.

Chunky Tubbins and the Snookum formerly known as Professor Slapty Chuckleberg were played by special guest Aaron Burdett.

Aaron is a TV writer most recently for the series Close Enough on HBO Max.

If you have a ton of time on your hands, you can also find his work on the series Inside Job and Man Seeking Woman, which are on competing streaming services.

If you haven't quit Twitter yet, you can follow him at Aaron Burdett.

This episode was edited by Seth Lynn with sound design and mixed by Shane O'Connell.

Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by famous Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor.

Dar's Horn was played by Raleigh Mulherker.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Shift Design for the Bargarian Jade by Eric Goyce.

Audio hosting by Simplecast.

Mission to Zix.

It's a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Do you sometimes wonder what ever happened to the kids at your school who really loved Star Trek?

You might remember a kid like me, the one who read the Star Trek novels and built Starship models.

I also took music classes to avoid taking gym classes that required showering after, but I don't see what that really has to do with.

Or a kid like me.

I introduced myself to kids at my summer camp one year as wesley but when the school year started and some of those kids were in my new class i actually had to explain to my friends that i had tried to take on the identity of my favorite star trek character the shame haunts me to this day i'm sure some of those star trek fans from your childhood grew up to have interesting and productive lives but We ended up being podcasters.

On The Greatest Discovery, you'll hear what happens to two lifelong Star Trek fans who didn't grow up to be great people.

They just grew up to be people who love jokes as much as they love Trek.

Season four of Star Trek Discovery is here, so listen to our new episodes every week on maximumfund.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

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Now, Chubby.

What's that?

Chubby.

Chucky.

Wait, I thought.

Oh, boy.

Chucky Tubbins.

Chucky Tubbins.

Chucky Tubbs.

Chubby Tuckins is my aunt.

Chubby Tubbins is my father's name.