512: A Noob Hope [ft. Justin Tyler and Rachel Wenitsky]

After nearly a cycle trapped in a distant galaxy, the intrepid crew of the Bargerian Jade has narrowly escaped certain death and returned home through an intergalactic portal designed by a hologram, assembled by a toddler in one galaxy and by a swarm of disgusting, mindless insects in another.

In retrospect, pretty risky.

Now, our heroes must reconnect with their lost allies, assess what evils have arisen in their absence, and share a ship with a droid who's a weird bug creature and loving it on their final mission to six.

Bad news, everybody.

What?

We just got back!

Terrible bad news.

What is it, Parsons?

I don't think the bad news is gonna affect it.

Like, we we got back to Zix.

You know how that other galaxy didn't have gas.

Yeah, now we just toast those loconut slices.

Yeah, the thing about that is, uh, right before we left,

I traded loconuts for a cool t-shirt.

Well, how many local nuts?

All of them.

Oh, Barge?

No.

But it's the t-shirts real cool.

It better be so cool, Barge.

So, is that the thing behind the door that you told me not to go and look at?

Yeah, AJ, don't open that door.

What if I killed

me?

AJ.

Wow.

We all knew that AJ was going to do that.

Good luck folding that back up now.

Is this like three wolves howling at a moon?

That's right.

And if you look very closely, this is a tiny ship.

Oh, okay.

Oh.

Flying in front of the moon.

It was specially made for me.

Anyway, long story short.

That's actually kind of cool.

I do not have gas or any more local nuts, so as a result.

You should have given us a little bit more of a heads up.

We're not even coasting.

Also, Bargie, we're in space.

It takes power to come to a stop.

Why did you do that?

Did you use up the last of your fuel to reverse so that we would stop?

Because that seems

an award-nominated director.

Okay?

Alright.

I'm happy wearing six.

I'll reconnect with my son.

Blah, blah, blah.

I feel nothing.

We can use the t-shirt as a sail.

No, AJ,

it doesn't work.

It's big.

It doesn't work.

Yes, the size is immaterial.

Yeah.

I've been trying to get the ship a sail for quite a while.

The answer's always going to be the same.

Yeah.

Alright, Bargy, fine.

What?

We need to go get gas.

What's the problem?

Actually, okay, some good news.

If you look out this porthole here, if you squint a little bit, you can see there's a ship stop that's

not that far away, cosmically speaking.

Okay, great.

Brings you all lean on this side of Bargy, and let's just hope that we...

If Bargie hadn't actively stopped the ship, we would have to

just just coasted right up to it.

Yeah, yeah, Bargie, can we?

I mean, I hate to ask, should we go manual mode for just a hot second to get back to the ship stop?

Or what do you mean by manual mode?

Wait, manual mode.

Bargie,

you did it when you crashed.

Was that were you blacked out at that point?

Did you not know?

You know, you have a manual mode, right?

All right, all right, I got you.

Hold on.

Giving up mode.

Giving up mode.

Wait,

that's not the same thing.

How are the engines starting up?

I give up.

It's interesting that Bargie has a reserve battery just for this mode.

To sort of roll around and complain.

We're all just Stardust mode.

Also, I gotta say, if there's a giving up mode, I'm very surprised we have not heard it yet.

Frankly, impressive.

Yeah.

What's flex chucking deal mode?

That can't be right.

That seems like that's not the name of the mode.

That was something I programmed.

Alright, well, I guess I'll get out and stretch my legs a little bit.

I mean, we are back in the Zix quadrant, so...

Yeah, let's breathe the that Zixian air.

Oh, do you breathe?

C-53?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Sphericals.

Oh.

There are holes in my exoskeleton.

Cool.

Hey, guys, I'm going to stay on the ship, just like I used to in the old days.

Yeah, okay.

That's fine, Justin.

Oh, Justin is still here.

Yeah, right.

Have fun, Justin.

Georgie and I have a lot to catch up on.

We've known each other since day one.

Yeah, Justin, you're not gonna come with us since you're a member of the crew and you join us on missions and stuff?

I'm good.

Okay.

All right.

Okay, bye.

See you later.

Have fun.

I might get some card nuts.

Terrible.

You like those?

Yeah.

Well, you don't like it.

They're so hard.

Oh, but they're great.

They're so salty you can't stop.

Yeah, I guess if you just.

Do you have a gizzard or what's the deal?

Do you?

Yeah.

Do you chew them or both?

Okay.

I chew them and then I roll them around the gizzard for a bit and

sell it.

Oh no.

I don't think so.

What size?

We got small,

we got big,

we got tiny.

This is all very interesting, but I just realized that I have absolutely no croon on me.

We've been in a post-money society for six months.

We don't have any money.

How are we gonna pay for this fuel?

Well, and Bargie spent the croon that was on the ship on the acting workshop.

On the acting workshop, paying a person anyway.

It was, first of all, evil.

Secondly, shouldn't have accepted croon.

It was a post-money society.

Well, there's one currency that's always accepted:

violence.

Okay,

that's not probably gonna.

I don't think that'll fly either, AJ.

AJ, come with me because I really need a shower.

And if violence is the only currency that's gonna work, then let's go.

You got it.

Let's shower.

Oh, why would you ever shower at a ship stop?

All right, Pleck, get off your high oars.

What?

AJ and I have been exploding bugs all morning.

I'm covered in what I'm starting to think is not space on EK.

I'm swearing these bugs.

I'm gonna use the shower on Bargie.

Bargie has no power right now.

Yeah, I guarantee you the power for giving up mode does not extend to the shower.

Okay, yeah, that's true.

I'm gonna go sing for some car nuts.

See ya.

Yeah, listen, I'm gonna try to talk to the manager.

Surely they'll understand.

We've been in a different galaxy for six months.

We don't have the same currency.

Yeah, that kind of sounds like a classic.

I don't think anyone's gonna be that sympathetic.

Well, you know, the space has ways of influencing the weak mind.

Not even an hour back in zix, and all of a sudden, talking about the space again.

What I nothing happened that time.

What was the.

Oh, I just changed the outcome of the election.

You from here?

Yeah.

The election's up for three more days.

Right, well, time is kind of squishy here.

Let's change it again.

Okay, that was less impressive because I just have to trust that you did that.

Well, I mean, yeah, but.

Okay, well, I changed it back.

No, you didn't.

I could have.

You'd never know.

You didn't.

What are you talking about?

Oh, I did it again.

No, you're just snapping.

You're just snapping.

No, I'm changing reality.

Look, here's a little.

Watch.

Watch me draw a circle with my finger, and now you can look inside.

And in a stunning upset, allergy eyedrops has carried the majority of the galactic vote.

Allergy eyedrops.

Get this old allergy eyedrops day today.

I have no plans.

I thought I was always second fiddle.

But the people of this galaxy have spoken, apparently.

But this victory is not mine alone.

I wouldn't be the person I am today without the help and support of my three best friends.

Nini, Salazar Chuckles, and Mr.

Top Hat, my three adorable cats.

You make my life bearable each and every day with your cold-nosed boobs, your floofy tum-tums, and your smoochable toe beans.

Even though I am very allergic to you.

And if they could speak, they'd probably like to thank one company above all others, Smalls, a cat food company providing protein-packed meals they crave delivered right to our doorstep.

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Since switching to smalls, Salazar's digestion has improved.

Mr.

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And Mini's warm cat breath is just terrific.

My fellow Galacticans, I wish to impart this critical information to each and every one of you.

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My first official act is Galactic Leader.

Smalls.com/slash Zix, code Zix.

For you see, Mr.

Eyed, I know Mr.

I drop some eggs.

I'm

not a leader anymore?

No, but I

thought.

Oh well.

Easy come!

Easy go!

Right, Mr.

Topa?

Uh, hello?

Hey, welcome to chips up.

Just give you a sec.

I gotta just before you ask, these hot dogs are fresh.

I'm just putting them back.

I'm rotating the

to the uh.

I was thinking to stipulate that they were fresh.

That's the first question a lot of people have when they enter here, the chips up.

Oh my rod.

Uh, old dirt.

Wait, no, look!

Hey, look, it's the guys.

It's uh, it's pluck pluck tickster.

Now, can come on.

And his player's bug sidekick, his bug friend

He's never once had a bug sidekick He had a bug you're the you've always been there

No you were his noob You're a bunch of tiny little sabers.

No, that's the AJ

My noob is AJ.

He's a defected clint.

Yes, of course

Where have you been?

It seems like things have been working out well for you

prophecy yada yada

I thank God I ran into you.

I had so much to tell you about We entered the All Wheat, like you said, it created a rift.

We were sent to a galaxy millions of light years away.

We just finally found a way to get back.

Spot on!

We don't even know how much time has passed.

Some?

What happened in this galaxy since the All Wheat disappeared?

What?

Right at the front.

Sounded like a scam.

You got it.

Oh, you don't like the word old?

It's my name.

It's my first name.

So they can't be that bad.

I like them olds.

Thank you, Marf.

Marph?

Yeah?

Marf,

it's me.

It's Pleck Dexter.

Pleck?

That's!

And then C53!

Oh, I-

Yeah, it's not a surprise you don't recognize me.

It's me, C-53, Marf.

Why does your body look like this?

Oh, it's a very long story.

Marf, I'm so sorry about the Midnight Shadow.

What?

Some snuff got into it.

Snuff?

Yeah, it's like an old-timey aristocrat drug.

The midnight jacket's gone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's gone.

I honestly, I'm shedding a tear as well, thinking back on it.

Wait, you're the computer guy.

You're the robot guy.

I yes.

Now I'm in a bug.

Why?

It's like putting a VCR on an anthill.

Go back.

Unfortunately, we were stranded in a part of space where they do not have droid traits.

How long do you listen to your bug before you're like, shoo, go out fly around somewhere else turf turf listen i need answers man i i i don't know what's going on in this galaxy anymore i'm sorry but our whole thing is like it's like bumping into an x because like marf and i are doing our like new

mentor thing and what look he's training me that's right in the space and the stuff that's she's very good amazing is there a prophecy about you too

same prophecy yep yep same one minute what What do you mean?

Same prophecy.

I thought the prophecy.

I thought the prophecy was about me.

Your prophecy is like sort of.

Yeah.

It's sort of what?

What are you talking about?

Your prophecy was good.

Yours was good.

We did our thing.

You flew around.

My prophecy was that I was going to bring balance to the space.

Yes, that's the one.

Well, I'll tell you what, you did a pretty decent job.

You know what?

Not every player on the team gets the trophy.

Some of them just get a broom handle.

Okay.

You think I can't tell the difference between your wood saber and that broomstick?

Come on.

No, turn it off.

That's not a balance bringer.

That's for no time to lean, no time to clean talk.

The dinglehopper was lost in the interdimensional rift that exploded in the center of the allweed.

That's a pretty good excuse for losing a stick.

Hey, what it comes down to is I took the prophecy, I did a little find and replace, tip, tip, tip,

replace these plates.

First of all, the prophecy was digital.

Well, paper.

You crossed out words on my prophecy.

Well, yes, I mean, it's paper.

It's just paper.

It's cost nothing.

But then he wrote new words in the prophecy.

Exactly.

He added new words.

I'm the star of the prophecy now.

Okay, well, you don't have to put it like that.

She's the star.

Turf, you waited your whole life to find me, and then I go for to a different galaxy for a few months, and you replace me?

Well, I thought you were dead.

Which is ironic coming from me, but I really thought you were dead.

This guy's dead is what I said to no one.

But the point is, you're not supposed to change your prophecy, then what value does the prophecy have?

Oh, you think it just happened?

Someone wrote it down the first time, and that person is probably an even older derf.

That's what I'm saying.

Like, we're all prophesizing all the time.

I hear the prophecy.

I'm gonna go to shake a shower in a minute.

How's a pat for a prophecy?

Let's see if it comes true.

It probably will.

He takes a lot of showers.

I'm very filthy.

As in, I'm very old, and when you're older, your body makes weird liquids from different parts.

Parts you won't even know, but the bug knows what I'm talking about.

He's got liquids shooting out of all over the place.

Yeah.

He's probably making honey and venom and pea all at the same time.

Venom and pea, yes.

That's a no on the honey, unfortunately.

That's the one we want.

Ugh, I gotta say, Dar, like, being covered in guts and about to head into kind of a sketchy situation feels good.

Yeah, couldn't be more zigs, right?

It just feels right.

That's it.

It's zigs.

Yeah.

I mean, the smell in here, I don't know if it's us, because we are covered in bug guts.

Greece.

It's like sour.

Yeah, I'm definitely getting notes of sour.

And just a little bit of bile.

Oh, there's a bile finish on there for sure.

Maybe just a little cheese.

Yeah, it just feels like home.

Feels like calm.

Sorry, I dropped my fucking bile cheese.

You had bile cheese in your childhood?

Uh, no, Jock.

We just haven't said juck in a really long time.

So it feels good.

Feels really good.

You?

Jock.

Juck and welcome.

Aw, jucking.

Thank you.

We didn't have money.

What were people gonna steal back in the other galaxy?

Like,

no stealing?

Doesn't make any sense to me.

Doesn't make sense to us either.

Goodbye, you little stabby freak.

Oh, Rod.

Love it when they kind of get in it with each other and you just sort of watch them kind of

look at them scrabbling with each other.

Well.

come on, uh,

bug, let's run a swap and talk.

I'm headed to my shower, which is a separate shower, because I won't shower the ship stop showers.

Those we've wired all the pipes together so they one drain goes into another top of a shower.

Okay, Florian Centipede, if you're familiar with that, what else franchise

are on their butt, on the button

and they're attached, they're attached, so they're um, they're they're diarying in the mouth

and it goes through and then the next person goes

let her fin

you let her finish this part of the training I just need to finish because it's part of the training okay it's part of the training pleck how do you not know you should be knowing you should be reciting this this is like the pledge okay for the sacred words sacred words ready one

two

their mouths

are connected to their butts buttholes and they poop into each other's mouths and down the line and then the first one first person has to circle around and eat it everyone thinks it's good to be first.

It's actually much worse.

This is the first really no better than any other position.

It's actually beautiful when you think about it, and that's why I've been studying it as I have because it's actually a beautiful circle.

It's a circle of life, that kids are.

It's a circle.

I don't know if we can qualify it as a beautiful circle.

Or a circle of life, honestly.

It's a beautiful circle.

Life?

I tattooed the sacred words on my back.

Those words?

The words that you just said?

Yeah, the whole thing.

You cut my whole back.

Yeah, it's a lot of words.

It was a long day.

They were dead.

Dirk did it.

I did it.

He ran out of room.

So the end.

I ran out of room, I ran out of ink, and I ran out of patience, honestly, because there's so many words.

I'm worried, I'm screaming.

Well,

we ran it down.

Ran it down a leg.

It goes down a leg.

It goes,

it sort of starts to peter out around, and then the last one circles back.

Yep.

You know, they say measure twice, you cut once.

And I didn't measure the length of the words in the body, so ah, it was a tough.

You didn't even measure once.

The expression was.

I didn't measure it once.

You didn't measure one time!

I didn't measure one time, nope.

And I tell you what, I started with a too big of a font, and I ended up having to shrink it down real time.

It looks like an eye chart.

It's like it's certainly not.

Let's be honest, the first verse is the most important one, and then it sort of repeats until the end, which is why that goes back around and comes up the front, and it ends right at the neckline.

It's beautiful.

And it tucks out of my shirt just a little.

It's a little bit of a flirt.

How is that a pledge, though?

And this is all to say I will be going to my own private shower.

Okay.

Well, that's all the teachings I have for today.

I'm gonna pop into the shower.

I also have to run through and make sure all the truckers are peeing clear.

So I'll be back in like 10.

Why do you have to do that?

Why is that yours?

Because they drink a lot of coffee, and I gotta check for kidney stones, because once kidney stones get big enough, those Tellurian uh peeholes can't handle it.

And as you know, pee-p-hole is a teaching moment for me, so I just gotta walk through.

It's part of the job.

Part of the jazz.

Behind here, AJ,

it's one of the zix classics.

A ship stop shower.

Great.

Hi there, so you're here for the showers.

How many holes would you like in your shower?

We have a six-hole open.

Actually, uh, I, Peck, booked the sixth hole.

Oh,

the pervert here.

Well, whoopsie doodle, but a twofer just opened up.

Hmm.

Wow.

When was the last time we saw a pervert, huh?

Ugh, I know.

The other galaxy had no use for them.

I wouldn't even have an identity if things weren't shamed.

What would I be?

Huh?

I wouldn't be the guy who just added a seventh hole.

I mean, yeah, I guess you'd just be Peck.

That's what I love about sex, you know?

I know this guy's first name and his sexual proclivity, you know?

The pervert is also my last name.

Oh, wow.

Well, thank you for that clarification.

So where's that twofer?

Oh, it just got filled up.

Oh.

I bet it did.

I bet it did get filled up.

Uh-huh.

Marv.

Yeah.

You wanna see my tattoo?

No, no, Marv, no.

Marv, how did you get involved with Dirf?

What happened?

Well, I have to be honest.

I woke up one morning and here I was.

You guys left.

I was feeling kind of down.

You know, started drinking a little.

Oh, nice.

And had a three-week bender.

Whoa.

Oh, okay.

I sort of browned out and then I blacked out and then I woke up and I was here.

And I was training to become,

I guess, the savior.

I don't know.

I mean, it's pretty cool, right?

I mean, I guess so.

Marv, just to clarify, your prophecy also says you're going to bring balance to the galaxy.

Yeah, I know that a big part of the prophecy is cleaning the showers.

And Tessie, that, I feel like, is not really a prophecy.

You know, that's something he put in there.

No, no, no.

I think that was already in the prophecy was cleaning the showers.

It's just, I think it says your name and not my name, but cleaning the showers, it was clean the showers, you know, that thing about the guys peeing clear, the thing about memorizing the Tellurian centipede,

sacred words.

Marf, I can almost guarantee all of this ship-stop specific stuff

part of the prophecy.

Yeah, Marf, Mark, last time I saw Derf, he worked at a zoo.

And the time before that, he was a cater waiter.

And the time before that, he worked at a Blue Julius.

And the time before that, he was alone on an asteroid with his wife and children.

So I kind of don't buy at all that part of the prophecy involves this particular job.

The last time I saw him, he tried to recruit me to be a clown, a zoo clown.

That's not even a type of clown.

Yeah, a junior clown, which is also not a type of clown.

A junior clown is a clown in training.

No, I get that.

And I would know because I did that last week.

And guess what?

I'm a full clown now.

Okay.

First of all, it takes a lot more than a week to become a full clown.

Do your clown is one week training and then you become full club.

You can do this program.

You don't know that.

No, I just I've seen a lot of clowns.

They're all pretty old.

Yeah, but they could have become full-fledged clowns years before.

Are you telling me I've never seen a new full clown?

I'm sort of implying it, yeah.

I think you might have seen a new full clown and didn't know it was a new full clown.

You probably thought it had been a clown a while.

I guess so.

Listen, Marv, I know what it's like to feel like you want to be part of something.

I know what it's like to feel like a prophecy gives you a sense of purpose that you didn't have before.

But I'm just starting to realize, you know, maybe it took me a little longer than it should have.

As much as I want to be part of a bigger story, I feel like Durf is maybe full of shit.

Well,

Durf, you're still clean.

All clean, sorry, I didn't have a towel, so I'm just gonna air dry real quick.

Marf, did you tell him how you went full clown?

I did in just a week.

Just a week?

Way better than you, Cleck.

I sort of abstained from the training.

You wore the wig, friends.

You put on the makeup.

You're a junior clown.

Don't you run away from this.

It was in the prophecy, as a matter of fact.

You know what?

I want to see this prophecy, Turf.

I have it.

It's right behind the counter, right next to liquor license.

Place to call if you get shot, the prophecy.

Hanging on the wall.

And the place to call you get shot is not what you might think.

It's not a hospital.

What is it?

Where would you go?

Well, you call it, there's a bunch of names on it, and you call a guy, and he'll be like, too bad.

Why would that help you after you've been shot to hear too bad?

Then you call the next guy on the list, and then if he says too bad, you call the next guy.

So why doesn't the list start with the guy?

I feel like you have the same questions about the Tellurian Centipede shower thing, and I think now you maybe you should take the pledge, Bug.

No, absolutely not.

There's no chance of that happening.

No.

Bug, get in.

I'll write you in.

I'll write you in.

Stop.

I don't want to be part of the prophecy.

Okay?

Yeah.

I'm writing you in.

You didn't get it.

When you left and the all-wheed imploded, things just changed.

Okay?

Things are really different now.

I don't know how to explain it except to say the vibes are just off.

What do you mean the vibes are off?

Like, what's happening in the galaxy?

What did we miss?

There was a big loss of freshness right around when the all-wheat imploded and whackness grew immensely.

No, the whackness should have gone down.

We blew up the all wheat.

Hey, I'm not a mathematician.

You told us that's what I needed to do to bring balance to the galaxy.

It did work.

Now it's out of balance.

But as long as you have-what does that mean?

As long as you have a handle on the bean, the bean acronym, we're gonna be fine as long as you bring it together and find balance.

We don't have the

beanachron anymore.

The beanicron was the one who saved us from the All Wheat.

We don't know where Bino is.

How come you can't keep track of all these other people?

You can't keep track of the Benacron?

That's the whole thing.

He's essentially a deity.

Well, keep your eyes on the deity.

You got your bug guys never not by your side.

And then where's Binocron?

Yeah, we do keep see Moon D3 around.

But that's good, sort of, because he is helping.

This is taking a turn on every time.

Every time I see you guys, he's in a different shape, but he's always right there.

Hey, buddy, you're getting pretty fresh right now here.

I'm very fresh.

I'm a former avatar.

Alright, we're stalls number

seven and eight.

All right.

Let's get clean so we can get weird.

All right.

Is there

a trick to that?

Hold on a second.

There's not a lot of

pressure.

Maybe it's.

You know what?

This is

great.

Because remember on the synergy, everything worked and it was like the water pressure and it always felt like good and optimized.

Uh-huh.

That was that, you know.

But now we're in zigzags and like nothing works and it's annoying.

You know?

My clone.

Yes.

Yes.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

This is so zigzags.

Is it finally not that fast?

Oh!

Hey there, are you here to fix the shower?

Oh, I thought I heard a little glop coming out of yours.

Mine, nothing's coming out of mine.

Can I get a share of the glop?

Is there glop coming out of yours?

Yeah, there's like this weird, oozy goo coming out the half.

Yeah, that's as good as they get here.

Whoa, okay.

Yes, come and get the glop.

This big guy has extra glop.

Ooh, you got extra glop.

I see some clone legs under here.

You got glop?

I mean, I guess I have a little bit of glop, it's not that much.

Can you cut the glop in half so both of us get half a glop?

I mean, that's very annoying, but it's very zick, so absolutely.

Oh, cool.

This is great.

Hey, family!

Come here!

Children, children!

Children!

Come!

Come on, come on!

Now it's really inconveniencing us.

So good to be home.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Okay, fine.

So, I've been written out of my own prophecy.

But I'm back now.

I'm alive.

I want to help.

What can I do?

Well, you can continue your exploration of the third part.

What?

There's the space.

We talked about it.

It's the space between.

And there's, of course, the stuff, which is everything that's not space's stuff.

Makes perfect sense.

No questions at this time.

But but there's more.

There's more to this.

No, don't.

The third side of the coin, the even colder side of the pillow.

There's a third side to the coin?

Yes!

Do you remember my last words last time I saw you?

At the zoo?

As I've-I was-yes, I was being mulled by a bunch of lurds who were mad at me because I was lying to them.

But zookeepers always lie to the animals in their care.

They have it-they have to be tricks.

You're all zookeepers, half of their job is tricking animals.

Half the job?

No comment?

Yes.

And the other half is cleaning up the bathrooms.

Okay.

I feel like there's more to it than that.

Hey, you're headed to the other side of a zoo, bug.

A bug zoo.

I'm not going to a bug zoo.

Well, watch out.

You never know.

I mean, you are sort of an oddity, C53.

You're attracted as Ascentience.

Oh, so you endorsed putting me in a zoo?

No, I'm just saying.

I'm not saying you should go to a zoo.

I'm saying someone's going to put you in a zoo.

I got to say, I would dirt on this zoo.

That's a prophecy.

I gotta say I would derp if you were in a zoo I would understand why you were in a zoo is what I'm saying.

Wow.

Wow.

Okay, I'm out of here.

Do whatever you're gonna do.

You find me on the ship when you're done, okay?

No,

no, C53.

Get your hands off me.

Whoa, look at all those little eggs.

Plex, do you remember the last words?

Uh

come on, last words?

I hate you.

It was your hips.

You were just fourth time dying.

You think I'm gonna commit every single last word to memory?

I remember your first last words.

Oh, yeah.

What?

Cool.

Well, do you remember?

No, don't spit it back at my face.

I'm your boss, mentor, friend.

You're not doing any of those things anymore, really, at this point.

Okay, well, my last words were:

The space monkeys are pleasuring themselves like you wouldn't believe.

Okay, yeah.

Because the third part

is done space stuff

yourself you need to take care of yourself.

What

having fun quack learning a lot from old Dirth

I think something was up with that hot dog.

Give me a sec.

Hey Dar,

um, no big deal, but it looks like you're getting kind of a little bit of a rash.

Well, I think the glob kind of activated with the keck gut, so now it's oh, I have to get this off.

Uh, AJ, could you just get at that one point right here?

Isn't this good, right?

Oh, aw.

Like, how bad it's getting is good.

Honestly, no, this is just really awful.

Oh.

Got it.

So now it's just bad.

Now it's not like fun, bad.

Yeah, it's on top of my skin and it's under it.

It's under the skin as well.

It's just

so itchy.

Right.

I mean, Zix has always been Zix, but.

This feels worse than it did.

Right?

Yeah.

And it also just feels like

the vibes are off big time.

Yeah.

I didn't want to say it.

I didn't want to say it.

You know,

I didn't want to have enough fun, but now it's like, hey, it's me, Peck.

The pervert, right, yes.

Right.

Can I show you something?

Okay, now we're back on track.

Very sick.

Very zix.

Come on.

You want to listen to my dubcore album?

Not even, not even a little bit, no?

It's worse.

Oh.

This is worse.

What is dubcore?

I hoped you knew.

I know what it is.

She doesn't even know what it is.

He doesn't know what to do.

We gotta get clean.

Yeah.

This is like solid dubcore on us, and we need to get it off of us.

Oh, yes.

Ugh, that is the name for it.

Can someone help us, please?

Is there a sentient here who can help us?

Can somebody help us?

Oh,

I'm the lonely shower.

You see, outside of the shower, there's a shower droid.

Oh, you know, one of those droids with a shower head on its head?

Oh, wow, yeah.

A droid that's self-aware but built for a very specific, singular task.

Yeah, classic zigzag.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, shower head droid.

We just heard you kind of singing a longing ballad.

Do you want to

wash us?

Would you like me to?

I mean, yeah, we asked.

Yeah, we could.

That would be jucking on some.

Yeah.

Well, I guess I could.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean.

It costs five thousand.

What?

What?

Hold on a second.

What do you mean, the self?

It's right there.

I'm looking at it.

I'm looking at yourself.

I'm the self.

You are the self.

To you.

I'm the self to me.

Marv's got her own self.

That's true.

But do I have to master other people's selves or just mine?

No, other people's selves are stuff to you.

And in between yourself and other selves is space, their stuff, except for to them, their self, and they're looking at you and your stuff.

And what they're looking through space to see you, which is stuff, but to you, yourself, and that's it.

That's easy.

I have what I just said tattooed all up and down my back and body.

I did it.

Wow, I did it.

And we were doing each other's tattoos at the same time.

No, no, why?

I'm sorry, I had to come back over.

You did it at the same time we should have done one and then the other let me be honest good rod you live and you learn we were both lying on our stomachs reaching over

what

crossed arms

why did you lying back down it was like a tattoo centipede in a lot of ways

hey guys

oh hey nermit wow you found some carn nuts yeah and these boppy loops and wingers and so many bebops and zuzus

and all for free they're just like whoa we can't believe you're here.

I guess they're fans of my music.

I don't know.

That's very suspicious.

What do you

put the newer hot dogs in the front?

We've got a real

to have you here.

I will go get our freshest hot dogs.

I'm so sorry that I'm fully nude here in a place of business,

but I won't close myself because, again, I'm air drying.

You, you understand.

But please, with anything you'd like, please.

Derf, what is going on?

Oh, Derf and Marf?

Wow.

To what do we owe the honor?

You guys know, like, I know you're probably, like, humming speeder ride in your head or whatever.

Is that what you're doing?

Are you both thinking of the song Speeder Ride?

Sorry, I did not know what you were talking about.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought was the situation.

Nermit, they don't know your music.

Oh, oh, oh, maybe it's deficit.

Like, a pimple-faced boy said, Nermit Bundale.

I have a delicate.

Nermit, it's definitely not defecate.

You can stop saying that.

No?

No.

Marf, quick, tattoo that on my arm, Marf.

I think it's something important, whatever he just said.

I'll go get the gun.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, explain.

I'm powering it up right now.

It's just under the counter?

We use it a lot.

Oh, boy.

Derf, why are you treating Nermit like this?

Uh, hold out your arm.

I'm about to tattoo those sacred words because we've just met Galactic Leader Nermit Bundaloy.

What?

I'm sorry.

Galactic Leader?

Nermit Bundaloy?

Yes?

Nermit.

That's right.

That little guy right there.

Not okay, you're confusing him with a different guy who used to be Galactic Boy.

Yeah, the Emperor did the same thing.

He called Nermit Bundaloy.

It was sort of a very annoying alias.

And he's gone, so Nermit's not Galactic Leader anymore.

I'm pretty sure he is.

I I guess you guys missed it because of the whole all-week thing that you were just telling me about, half-listening, but it was a write-in vote for Nermit.

Out of the blue, Nermit was elected in a landslide.

How, Derv, how did that happen?

Well, there's some rumors that there was some sort of whack magic involved here.

Doubt it.

Thumb on the old scales from whack thumb.

You know what I mean?

But he's doing a pretty good job.

Did I have a great campaign song?

Uh, yes.

Wow, that's yeah, that sounds right.

That's Nermit.

His pictures up on stuff.

You see him talking on the hollows.

He's on money.

I got a cash register full of this little guy.

Wait, this.

I'm on the money.

Why is Nermit on a croon?

No, we don't call him croons anymore.

We call him what?

We call them Nermos.

What?

That can't be right.

Nermos?

Yes!

What?

Yeah.

I mean, I was helping Sisu and I didn't dare to hope that I would.

Wow.

Guys, I...

I won the election.

I think there's something else.

Excuse us.

AJ and I need 5,000 crude.

They're not crude anymore.

I don't care what they're called.

We need 5,000 of them.

I think you're going to care what they're called.

I don't want this play money with Nermit's face on it.

I want real money.

Yeah.

That's the money is a nermo

Yeah, why is it called a nermo?

Why is it called why is all derf here?

I mean I run this all good questions.

Oh, hey, Grandpapa!

Hey,

what's up?

Hey, so why is it called a nermo?

I won the galactic election.

I mean, one is a word we're gonna have to get to the bottom of, but it appears that people here in this galaxy think that Nermit Bundaloy is the leader.

Whoa!

Mark, did you get a tattoo?

I did.

Do you want me to tell you what it says?

No, don't ask me.

It actually says that their mouths are attached to their buzzers, and the tattoo

is something that the diarrhea comes out into the mouth.

He just ran away from his press conference, stealing the microphone.

Okay.

In a stunning reversal, a long-dead ship, the Blazing Rochester, has come back to life and become leader of the galaxy.

Okay, all right, okay.

What's the heck?

Bro,

what?

Galactic leader?

No one's had that title since those filthy tradition oligarchs assassinated drummed the city in nine.

Now, that was a leader.

Brought the coal industry back single pinched out.

Well,

if I'm leader, I've got some people to thank, I suppose.

suppose.

First, my lovely wife, Baja,

who probably thinks I'm dead, which I was.

And secondly, my upstanding crew, Captain Burgess, Traxalor, and N1X2, shoveling coal into my furnace day and night to keep me jumping.

And if they could speak,

they'd probably like to thank one company above all others.

Green Chef, an organic food company providing delicious and easy-to-follow meal kits right to your airlock.

And to clarify when I say organic, I mean the food is for organics, Tellurians and the like, not chips.

But but stick this in your south pipe and combust it.

Green Chef is also the first USDA certified organic meal kit.

So your crew can enjoy hand-picked organic veggies and premium proteins without having to worry about where they they came from.

You see, all Tellurians are obligate food of ours.

They need actual non-combustible foodstuffs to survive.

I lost a lot of crews before I learned that one, you better believe.

But green chefs, expert chefs curate every recipe, and with over 30 meal choices every week and the flexibility to switch plans, those little critters running around inside your cast iron hull will never have to sacrifice taste for nutrition.

They can enjoy restaurant-quality dishes in the comfort of their own bridge.

And with all the time they'll save not having to plan a shop for dinner, they'll gain valuable coal shuffling time.

And as leader, this is my first edict.

Go to greenchef.com/slash 6125 and use code 6125.

Why is it code called that?

You'll get $125

off, including free shipping.

That's greenshaft.com/slash 6125 for $125 off.

And this is my second edict.

All coal will be tested for poison on a daily basis.

I'm not gonna go down like Crombasinian.

No, no, sir.

Rogester, loser Rogester.

Oh, why, yes, what is it?

Apparently, never die.

But no longer leader.

No, no.

We'll chuck and beast of we'll go forward.

Chuck and

distance for the kids.

I'll be familiar with the big one.

Dreams and that's my seat.

Twenty high.

Wait, so Blizzard Man is the Emperor?

No, my name is Nermit Bundeloy and I am the Galactic Leader.

And I want you all to know, I'm sure I'm going to be very busy, but I'm not going to forget about you guys.

Nermit, I'm going to think about it.

Look at this newspaper.

This is you giving a speech yesterday.

Yeah, Nermit, whoever the Galactic Leader is...

That must be from later than yesterday, because I haven't given that speech.

Nermit.

How would the newer?

Whoever this is on this newspaper is not you.

It's somebody else that is using your identity.

I'm definitely.

Are you the galactic leader?

Yes.

No, I am.

Yeah.

Well,

I guess I'm not doing perfectly.

Also, can I get your autograph?

Thank you so much.

Just make it out to my daughter and me and just.

Okay.

What's your daughter's name?

Denise.

Okay, to Denise, and what's your name?

Denise.

To Denise and Denise.

Okay.

Also, check for you.

Regards to your daughter.

Excuse me, you graphic leader.

Because I gotta get used to this.

Yes, I am.

He's not technically, but sure.

I'm just a little bit shallower.

Oh, I see that.

And I also just wanted to say.

What?

I can't get assassinated when I just learned I'm leader.

I fought ammo speed.

Ammo speed?

Yeah, that's when the water moves so fast it becomes ammunition.

There's butter bullets spraying everywhere.

It's just water.

What could water do?

Jerf, you have to take cover like the rest of us.

This is weaponized water.

I I was just in water a minute ago.

Same shower night.

Oh!

Oh shit, I got shot.

Derf!

Derf!

No!

Anyone else get hit?

Just Derf?

No, we were all hiding.

Just me?

We were taking it seriously!

Crew crew, that shower hit still.

Giving me the evil spigot.

It's gonna blast us.

Everybody, stand back!

I've got this.

I've been cleaning showers for weeks.

Come at me!

Wow, Marf is amazing with those hot dogs.

Well, she attached two hot dogs with a chain and she's whipping it around.

Lost pressure completely.

Oh, now we'll never get to shower.

Wow.

Stay with me, buddy.

How ironic, killed by the shower.

The thing I hate to clean.

Well.

Anyway,

irony?

Why is he naked?

And you are still air-drying and everything.

Marf, come close.

I have some last words for you.

And oh, oh, please.

What is it?

Well, I want you to take over the shipstop.

I want you to.

Yes?

I couldn't possibly.

No, you.

I can never fill your shoes.

Well, you can.

And honestly, I mostly wear like a loose slipper.

Please,

take the slippers, wear them as your own.

It's weird that he was naked with the slippers.

You mean I don't need to wear the clown shoes anymore?

I would keep the clown shoes by day, slippers at night.

You said that's what made me a full clown.

Yeah, it's a hundred percent.

Once you fill the shoes, they're yours.

But you don't your feet don't have to be as big as the clown shoes.

Full clown doesn't mean your feet get big and bulbous.

It just means I just mean like you fill them emotionally.

Oh, no.

Then I think I did it wrong.

Oh, your feet filled a hole.

Wow.

Wow.

I think it was swollen.

Marv, those are very red.

That's a mastery of the space right there.

Please, listen up.

Marv saw space, filled it with stuff.

By mastering herself.

The stuff was my foot meat.

Dirf, do you want us to call that list?

Yeah,

should we call the hotline?

Quick.

Call a number.

I found the first number.

Call the number.

The first one.

Oh, I feel hurt, but I mean, as long as somebody picks up here, I think I'll be fine.

Hello?

Uh, yes, hello, someone's been shot.

Uh, there's been a terrible accident.

Nothing I can do about it.

Sir, I got nothing I can do about it.

Call the next guy.

Call the next guy.

That's why it's a long list.

Yeah, sure.

Okay, it's ringing.

Hello.

Who is it?

Uh, hi, yeah, someone's been shot at the ship stop.

Yes, yeah, yeah, it's from the list.

Someone's been shot.

I don't know what you're.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Okay, sure.

Sorry about that.

He has to be removed from the list.

If they have to be removed from the list, we legally do have to remove them from the list.

Oh, okay.

Alright.

You call the next guy.

I'm already doing it.

Oh, hi.

Yeah, listen, somebody has been shot.

I'm at the ship stop at the edge of.

I don't do these calls, they're too political.

Political?

Actually, honestly, in this case, it was actually very politically motivated.

Okay, next person.

Okay, it's ringing.

Oh, hold on a sec.

Hey, look.

Did you put yourself on your own list?

Yeah, well, then.

Look, I didn't know I was going to be the one getting shot.

Well, sure.

But there.

Are you one of the people who would say you'd help?

No, I usually say nothing I could do about it.

Okay, well,

call the last person on the list.

Okay, alright, I'll just go right to the end.

Hello?

Hi, yes, there's been a terrible accident.

Somebody's been shot at the ship stop.

Nothing I can do about that.

Wait, a minute?

The last number forwards back to the first guy on the list.

This is a Tellurian centipede.

It's the circle of life.

Anyway, those are my last words, I guess.

Wow, he's dead.

I can't believe he's gone.

Ah, Marv, you'll get used to it.

It would be a real shock if he actually died.

I guess this is my

ship stop now?

Marv, if what Derf says is true and there's a prophecy about both of us, or I guess me and also then you or maybe you instead or whatever, you know, we need to work together.

We need to figure out how to bring balance to the galaxy.

We can get rid of those bad vibes and be heroes.

I think that the best way to bring balance might be for each of us to do what makes us happy.

And in my case I think that's running a ship stop.

Maybe in your case it's fighting the bad vibes.

But I'm happy owning a business, cleaning the showers, collecting a lot of stuff, hiding it away in places where no one can ever find it,

hoarding it, and then eventually dying under under a pile of it.

That's what makes you happy, the prospect of that.

That's what I like.

And you know what?

As part of my destiny,

I think I need to take myself out of the prophecy.

You can't just scratch yourself out of the prophecy.

No, you actually can.

A prophecy is just a piece of paper, and you can just

get anything out of it.

So let me just

erase my name

and put Polek back in

And now the prophecy is starring you

Marp you're so skilled with the space But you know what else I'm really good at?

Using this blue Julius machine Wow, she's stirring it with her hand look at that

Yes

How'd I do?

Perfect swirl, right?

It's a perfect swirl.

It's true.

Yeah, I mean none of us are gonna taste it, but it looks great.

You can't taste it.

Don't touch anything here.

None of this is for sale anymore.

Oh, look, Marth.

Everything here is mine.

Even the tubes.

Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah, we got tubes.

Man, I'm so glad to be back in Zix, because they didn't have tubes in the other galaxy, but they have them in here.

And who cares if this place stinks?

We got these tubes, man.

We're back.

Hey, Artie Galactic leader, Nermit Bundaloy.

I am actually, yes.

Just you!

How is it every.

Does that still mean the same thing before we left?

It's actually gotten worse.

What?

What it means to be out?

People mean it more now.

Bad vibes.

I don't know what my destiny is anymore.

Who the juck cares?

We have to figure out where this whackness is coming from and how to fix it.

Hey!

Yes, Bargie, you gotta come get us.

We have work to do.

Fire up the engines.

Are you filled up on gas?

Nope.

Haven't even signed.

Bargie, why?

No.

The moment fast approaches

my little nermit bundaroy.

My um nermit, we're gonna call you, just for me to kind of keep it straight in my head.

Mimet mealoy.

For you are not your met, but my met.

Oh, I am sorry, you might be confused about what sort of is happening.

I grew you out of your tail.

Not your tail, actually, other mermits' tail.

Well done, Scram!

Incredibly helpful, that guy.

Okay, look at the graph.

You're grown out of different other you's tail.

Oh, I was.

Oh, I know.

People always think I'm telling him to scram.

His name is Scram.

His first name is Scram.

No, I would never tell Scram to Scram.

If anything, I wish Scram was around all the time.

You're my number one.

You're my guy.

I never had an assistant before, Scram, and it's changed my life.

He is so on top of my calendar.

When you're talking about multiple rifts in reality and timelines and all that stuff, if you don't have an assistant, you're crazy.

Okay, backtrack.

You're grown out of different other you's.

And honestly, you're a different you.

Other you is the real you.

But you're mimet me, Malloy.

Point being,

where we're at right now, you're in a tank.

We're backstage from one of the best political rallies I've ever been to.

And the Emperor is moments away from using the power of the all wheat to render

what an all-wheat?

Yes,

that part seems pretty explanatory to me.

That's a very dumb name.

Break it down into two words.

What's the first word?

All.

Okay, what does all mean?

Total.

Okay, what's the second word?

Wheat.

And what's the most powerful grain?

Wheat.

Okay, so you've explained it.

Total power.

Exactly, you get it.

Okay.

Yeah.

Total power to render one Nermit Bundaloy, galactic leader.

Ha ha ha!

And that's where you come in.

Because for all intents and purposes, my little friend.

You are Nermit Bundaloy.

Okay.

You're not Nermit Bundaloy.

You're Mimet Nimoloy.

Can I call this Jube?

Is it...

Oh, don't touch that.

No, no, no.

That absolutely has to stay where that is.

Let me be very clear.

It would be a generous prognosis to say you are like 50% done.

So,

that sounds like I'm getting

promoted.

Yes, you understand exactly.

Oh, all right.

Well, my love language is uh gifts.

Mine is, of course,

of service.

My guy, it's scram, yes.

Don't shake the tank, that's the change.

Look at him calling his little snoodle.

Scram, I must sponge up the liquid that is spilling.

You think Scram's gonna double back on me?

This guy!

Oh, I love watching him shake the tank.

This is my number one guy right here.

He truly does love to scrub, and I and it's it's wild.

You don't even feel bad asking him to do it.

No, sure, the last time.

I do have kind of a strange, deep-seated ambition.

You

So, I mean,

wonderful, wonderful, my sweet little Mima, my Malloy.

What is sure to go down as one of the most unusual elections of all time?

Mermaid Bundeloy, a functionary within the Sisu Gundu campaign, has been named leader of the galaxy.

Woo!

What's up?

That's the allweed assholes.

No, no, no, no, no.

Sorry.

This is sorry.

This is Norman Bundaloy.

Everything's correct.

He's correct.

You have to light you up so you can go on stage and give your victory speeches.

The new M Gala.

The new Galaxy.

Sorry, it's my first day.

It's all right, you're doing back.

What did you say your name was?

Uh,

Little Chair?

Your full name is Little Chair.

This is weird, even in a big galaxy where I've heard a lot of strange names.

That was named after my aunt.

Okay, so even that leads to sort of more questions for me.

Her name was Sarah.

Your name's Little Chair, and you are named after your aunt, whose name is Sarah.

You run me through those steps one more time?

I know that I'm literally moments away from unfolding a huge, important turn in my evil plan, but this has pissed me off.

No, this has pissed me off.

Master, this affects a plan, not sure.

Scram, I'm gonna tell you right now, if you wanna be a big, big, bad, wax-eyed lord like me, you don't let the small stuff slide.

We're gonna get to the bottom of why Little Chair was named after a different woman whose name is Sarah.

Your wisdom is infinite, Master.

I cannot wait to learn the reality.

I'll just kind of crawl out to the stage.

You gotta get out.

Nervate, go, go do what you have to do.

Alright, listen here, little kid.

You'd square up with me while my guy is going off to do his thing.

Alright, that's exactly right.

Now, why would you be named after someone whose name you don't share?

Because she gave birth to all of her children using a little chair, and so for many years after that, she was on the community's little chair, and that shirt chair still exists.

and I think she's my mother, but no one will admit it.

So, you think your aunt's your mom?

Is that correct?

Do I have that right?

And to say, and can I get one more further to further confirmation from you to me?

That you said you're named after your aunt because she gave birth to you on a little chair.

So, would it not be slightly more accurate to say you're named after the chair?

today.

Sarah, quote-unquote, little chair.

The speech with me.

I don't care, Nermit.

Okay, your priorities are bizarre.

Did she just say that?

Welcome back.

Well, you guys just keep calling in and requesting it, so we're just gonna keep on playing it.

Here's the new one from Zix's very own homegrown Jordan Bakorkin with...

Ah, who am I kidding?

Everyone knows what this song's called by now.

Growing up in the sticks, knew there had to be something else more than this.

Closed my eyes every single night.

Pray one day I'd see my name up there in Hollywood lights.

Yeah, I grabbed the chance to leave these parts.

Won't my first song, it hit the charts.

Couldn't count on the crew I'd made.

Parties every night in the Bargerian jade, yeah.

But now I'm sending up a brand new prayer.

Ride, take me back to those days I remember.

Slog signer hanging out with weird bug creatures Mop throws orange beer underneath his eyeball bleachers Tops down, hyper driving all night Figure really I was kicking in You're absolutely right After all the things I've seen and all the stuff I've done Just wanna be where everybody has at least my sons Can't believe now that I'm looking back

I come to find it don't get much better than six

much better than 6B

Picked up the phone, called my band.

Listen up now, Jordan's got a new plan.

Pack your stuff, y'all, there's no time to rest.

We're setting up shop in the quadrant, that's best, yeah.

And they all said that I sounded joking crazy.

Hold those horses now, cause you're gonna thank me

when you see see Louis State Park where the rides always made me sick My favorite corner store, R.I.P.

Mrs.

Curl it My politicians always keeping it tight If you think I'm back for good this time, you're absolutely right After all the things I've done and all the stuff I've seen Just wanna kick it on my Portrait 18 magazine Can't believe it took me moving back Just to realize you don't get much better than this

The place where folks still observe the pen to stay the old-fashioned way Still ride a bit and click on flying.

The cherry gasoline still has me fighting.

Slugs diner, hanging out with bug creatures.

That first orange beer underneath the Zybo bleachers.

The top's down, I protin' all night.

Cigarillios kicking.

You're absolutely right.

After all the things I've seen and all the stuff I've done, I'm finally back where everybody has at least my sons.

Can't believe it took me moving back just to realize.

I don't get much better than six.

You don't get much better than six, babe.

You don't get much better than six.

This is C-Red IT5, Credits and Attribution Strike, commencing outro protocol.

Plex Deck Setter was played by Alden Ford.

C-53 and Scram were played by Jeremy Bett.

Dar was played by Ali Krokesh.

RG the Ship, Showerhead Droid, The Tiny Criminal, and Justin Bali were played by Lujan Zolfogari.

Nermit Bundeloy, Peck the Pervert, The Blazing Rochester, and Galactic Leader Nermit Bundeloy were played by Seth Lynn.

DJ and Allergy Eyedrops were played by Winston Null.

Old Dirk was played by special guest Justin Tyler.

Justin is a writer and director, most recently, for the ABC special, A Night of the Academy Museum.

He co-hosts the podcast, Comic Book Club, and the show, Characters Welcome, on YouTube.

Follow him on Twitter at JTSizizzle.

Mark was played by special guest, Rachel Winitsky.

Rachel has written for The Tonight Show, starring Jimmy Fallon, Danger Force, and more.

Follow her on Twitter at Rachel Winitsky.

Core Veil Voir was played by Brendan Lee Mulligan.

This episode was edited by Seth Flynn with sound design and mixed by Shane O'Connell.

Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by famed Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor.

Jordan Bakorkins, It Don't Get Much Better Than Zix, was written and performed by Shane O'Connell.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Cruxley.

Shift design for Bargerian Jade by Eric Goyce.

Audio hosting by Simplecast.

Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Well, hello, I'm Renee Colvert.

Hi, I'm Alexis Preston, and we are the host of Can I Pet Your Dog?

And we got breaking news, we got an expose, and all the beans have been spilled via an Apple podcast review that said, this show isn't well researched.

Well, yeah, no, duh.

Of course it's not.

Not since the day we started has it been well researched.

Guessing and anthropomorphizing dogs is what we do.

The Can I Pet Your Dog promise is that we will never do more than 10 seconds of research before telling you excitedly about any dog we see.

I'm going to come at you with top 10 enthusiasm, minimal facts.

We're here for a good time, not an educated time.

So if you love love dogs and you don't love research, well, you know what?

Come on in to Can I Pet Your Dog podcast every Tuesday on Maximum Fun Network?

I'm Lisa Hannawalt and I'm Emily Heller.

Nine years ago, we started a podcast to try and learn something new every episode.

Things have gone a little off the rails since then.

Tune in to hear about low-stakes neighborhood drama, gardening, the sordid, nasty underbelly of the horse girl lifestyle, hot sauce, addiction to TV, and sweaty takes on celebrity culture, And the weirdest, grossest stuff you can find on wikipedia.org.

We'll read all of it no matter how gross.

There's something for everyone on our podcast, Baby Geniuses.

Hosted by us, two horny adult idiots.

Hang out with us as we try and fail to retain any knowledge at all.

Every other week on Maximum Fun.

Baby Geniuses tell something we don't know.

MaximumFun.org.

Comedy and culture.

Artist-owned, audience-supported.

It tuxle out of my shirt just a little.

Just a touch.

It's a little bit of a flirt.

The first guy goes around to eat the shit of the last guy again?

That's the flirt?

That's what I call the flirt.

Off the ground.

Bug guy, you got a lot of eyes.

You can't seem to read the pledge.

You're right.

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

How is that a pledge, though?

That's a.

Never mind.

It doesn't.

Listen, this is all to say I will be going to my own private shower.

Okay.

Alright.

Well, that's all the teachings I have for today.

I'm sorry, I forgot that that's where the conversation starts.

It's been a pleasure, students, but a class is dismissed.

Oh, my God.

That's disgusting.