505: Being Jawn Malevolent [ft. James Urbaniak]

This is Seir at IT5 with a very special announcement.

Mission to Zix is returning to the stage for a live show.

That's right.

Join us on Sunday, October 3rd, at the Bellhouse in Brooklyn, New York, for a fully improvised, fully sound-designed episode created live before your eyes and ears.

We know October is a ways out, but we are excited and we want to give everyone time to plan their cross-galaxy trips to NYC.

Find info and tickets at missiontozix.space.

Did we mention we're excited?

Space.

Some is chill.

Some is tuped up.

All is part of the great infinite cosmic ballet.

The venerable starship, the RSS Synergy, forges ever deeper into uncharted regions of their galaxy, growing the coalition of united planets in the name of science, benevolence, and peace.

Now, lead envoy C-53 and his intrepid crew explore new worlds, forge alliances, and search for a way back home to finally fulfill their

mission to sink.

Hey, Nermit.

Hey,

welcome aboard.

Good to have you back on the show.

Thank you.

Good to be here.

I had to had to come check out C53's new frame.

Check him out.

Look at that.

I don't know that you

need to do that.

Whoa.

Are you serious?

I mean, I've heard about it, but whoa, you look like a just like a dude.

Yeah.

Yep, I

look like a dude.

Isn't it crazy hearing that voice come out of that face?

I know.

Watch this, watch this.

Hey, C, eat a sandwich.

You know, you're joking, but I have a sandwich in hand right now because I have to.

Yeah, he's funny because he is eating his sandwich.

I'm hungry all the time.

I hate it.

Well, whatever the reason, Nerman, it's great to have you back on Bargie.

Yeah, I wanted to see you guys.

Check out C's frame.

They made me leave my office, but it's good to see you.

They made you leave your office?

Yeah, consensus was I was spending a little too much time in the reflectorium.

It's fine.

Yeah.

How much time were you spending?

I haven't um left it.

There's you can make a bathroom in there, so

yeah, you had a lot of sort of rich inner life about what all of those fake office buildings were and did.

Oh, yeah.

Optisoft went through a lot of like a round of layoffs and it hit my team really hard.

And it was just a rough

companies.

Visitor images.

Well, it's barely a company anymore after two of our competitors merged and like just were undercutting our prices.

No, Nermit,

the buildings in a reflactorium are procedurally generated.

They don't sell a product.

They don't have employees.

They are not selling enough.

That's for certain.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

So, you know, they thought, Nermit, you deserve slash definitely need a break from this.

Yeah.

Day off.

Seems like we don't work as much as we used to, right?

Like it's like...

They have a three-day work week here.

Wow.

Yeah, you know, I'm kind of a fan, honestly.

It gives us a chance to, you know, check out the synergy and hang out with each other a little bit.

You're not bored?

I know, in the Zix Quadrant, I felt like we did missions every day.

I'm busy.

I'm very busy.

I don't even have time for you.

What?

Bargie, you've been in the hangar this whole time.

That's what you think.

But you never check in.

You never ask me, Bargie, what it is that you do every single day.

Do you ask me that?

To be fair, Bargie, you typically get very angry when we ask personal questions like that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Well, no, I don't know you because we're both discouraged from asking you about your life and you never tell us anything.

I'm a complicated character.

Oh, Bargie, look at that.

You're making C sweat.

Oh, it's so...

Do you do this all the time?

It's so gross.

Yeah, it's a common thing.

I don't.

I was bred not.

And you know, C53, I got to say, it feels good.

You know, you finally understand what I'm going through when I sweat and cry.

Right.

But C-Stream, like, that's even more sweat than average.

Like, you got kind of a lemon.

I'm very clammy right now.

You don't sweat this much.

Yeah.

Even I don't sweat this much.

Touch my forearm.

No, not doing it.

Touch it.

Of course I will.

Thank you.

It's

whoa.

Dar is turning off.

You know, it makes one long for the elegant simplicity of the Midnight Shadow.

Or even the workaday simplicity of the Yambassador frame.

Oh, yeah.

That was a nice guy.

I liked that guy.

Yeah.

Why are you talking about the past when you can be focusing on my future right now?

You're right.

Bargie, what it is that you're up to?

What it is that I'm up to is I've returned to my roots.

I've become an acture.

I've returned to the stage.

Bargie's back, baby, and she's a theater actuius.

Wow.

Seems hard to pronounce.

Bargie, how are you an actor?

There are no other sentient ships in the galaxy.

You'd be acting acting opposite just a bunch of sentient.

I have an even more pressing question.

What do you feel is the main difference between hollow and theater?

Like, where are you finding yourself?

Really?

Every single day is a different experience.

Same lines, different emotion, different energy from the crowd.

I have not been in front of a crowd yet.

I'm just intrigued.

So it's more varied because you repeat everything over and over.

Exactly.

Anyway, I'm on my way right now to a workshop.

What?

What do you mean by the way?

What if I can have a shot?

What if I go back on the ship?

We have to stay on the ship.

No, no, it's not our choice.

We have to come.

We're still going to be in the launch.

You got to keep those windows open when we're on the ship.

Otherwise, we don't know if you're going anywhere.

Well, Nermit, guess you're coming with us on this one.

I was going to sneak back in the reflectorium.

No.

No, I mean, honestly, this is fine.

Would have loved to have hung out with Horse Hat, but they're kind of going through that phase where it's uncool to hang out with your old parent.

No, darn.

I'm not crying.

Oh, you look like you are.

I think you are.

I was going to head to the arboretum to see if I could pick out a new woodsaber, but I guess I'll...

You're going to break a branch off a tree in the arboretum?

I am going to allow a branch to, you know, meet me, and then I shall wait till nobody's looking, take it, and turn it into a new woodsaber.

Fleck, I don't know if it's a good idea to.

Listen, you can't stand between a Zima knight and the weapon that chooses him.

Okay.

Really, my only plan for today was to bathe myself, but it sort of seems like not pointless.

It's so easy, is it?

All I was going to do was like try to see if I could help C like experience pain.

You know?

What?

Like, we've got a lot of things.

Is that something that C volunteered for?

No, but it's.

Hey, Jay, if you could stop part of it, my earlobe.

That's part of it.

It's very annoying.

It's part of it.

The fear is part of it.

Hey, the fear is part of it.

Wait, so Bargie, we're going to one of your shows?

We're going to a workshop, which is the show before the show.

So a rehearsal?

No, it's more like a pre-rehearsal before the rehearsal.

Oh, no.

Okay, that sounds pretty far back in the process, Barge.

But it's with apparently the Pamir Minister of the galaxy.

I don't know how this happened.

They connected with me, you know.

I think even in a different galaxy,

people know, census know, that I have a star quality.

It's it.

You know, that's something that never changes.

Also, yes, I am the only ship here that can speak.

I mean, that alone

is something.

Yeah.

Really?

Everybody has a gimmick.

My loyal honor guard

I, the Grand Kula,

hereby present

the morning announcements.

First,

in just move.

Okay.

Alright.

Alright, let's try to focus up here.

Thank you.

In just moments, we will receive, then humiliate, those Federated Alliance diplomats you see over there struggling to set up that projectile.

They shall never dare return to Flirp.

Next, an HR note.

It's come to my attention that we have a little morale issue.

As honor guards, your job is harsh, violent, and underclothed.

You must put the life of me, the kula, ahead of your own.

Dear on Flurp.

Okay.

May I continue?

Yes.

Yes.

Dear Unflurk, it is finally okay to talk about our mental health.

And I am excited to announce that Better Help is now available to all members of the Guard.

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That's shorter than the sensual entrails dance we do after bursting an adversary.

And remember, you don't need a traumatic event to benefit from therapy.

Personally, I use BetterHelp to get perspective on any issues issues with my heir.

The precious, yet super-argumentative kulata.

See if it's for you.

Get 10%

off your first month at betterhelp.com slash zix.

That's betterhelp.com slash zix.

Okay, right.

We know how to pen address right.

All right.

Ah, the wretched ambassador's approach.

Fingers on your triggers.

Let me get a load of this chump.

People of Flurf, greetings.

My name is Ambassador.

Bargie, is that the theater you're performing in?

Yes.

That theater is barely big enough for you to fit in.

Uh, yeah, Pleck, I don't know.

I've had lead with that.

No, I'm just.

I just, how is it.

It's intimate.

It's intimate.

You're right there.

That's the whole point.

Thank you, AJ.

Intimate space.

And Pleck, as you know, I am dealing with my size right now, so that was, in a way, a very sensitive question.

Chassis, Shaman, yikes.

Okay, I just think you and I really need to have a one-on-one fairly soon.

Okay, alright.

Yeah, just let me know, I guess.

I'm not looking forward to that.

So, yeah, Darwin was super cool.

I was watching this marathon about hoarding.

Okay, see, Nermit, the thing is,

when you're told to take a break from technology, you actually also shouldn't talk about it when you're not using it.

Yeah, yeah, one second.

So, in the Reflactorium, you can build your own world, but you can also just watch programming.

And you can not only watch the programs, you can keep as many as you want in the memory card of the Reflactorium, so you can just keep so many episodes about hoarding.

Hey, perfect, perfect.

The director here is very much against any sort of technology.

So please do not embarrass any of our actuars.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm here.

I'm in it.

I'm in it for the workshop.

When's it done?

Yeah,

this isn't the right attitude to be approaching the Smith.

Wow.

So theater, it's so cool.

It smells, I think the correct adjective is musty in here.

Yeah, that's right, that's right.

What's that like to experience must for the first time?

Not good.

I don't care for the smell.

It's it's

funny.

And people go to these willingly?

Not really anymore, no.

No, no.

Greetings.

Oh, oh.

Oh, hello.

Salutation.

Both.

Wow, yeah.

Expectorations.

Yeah, I guess.

Does that make you uncomfortable?

What, expectorations?

Let me tell you something about the theater.

When you project on stage,

very often spittle

ejects from your lips.

That's right.

Sometimes it rains gently on the audience.

Oh, it's

a sign of projection, commitment.

Did you get some just now and I said spittle?

yeah, yeah, that was it.

Yeah, wow,

does that make you uncomfortable?

Leave your discomfort at the door here at Theatre Max.

Hello, all right.

Very well.

I am LO Max, director and actor.

Oh, is there a Bargie here?

Yes, it is me, Bachi, the Bargerian chain.

I am formerly ship at the start.

Are you an AI?

I am a spaceship.

But your intelligence is artificial.

I guess I never really thought about it that way.

You are welcome here.

For theater is artifice.

Wow, yes.

Intelligence inside artifice.

Yes.

Wow, yeah, that's.

You know?

Bargie, you are the essence of theater.

Oh, yes, definitely.

Absolutely.

Yes.

I don't know exactly what your deal is, but I can already tell that you're something special.

And uh, Mr.

Mr.

Max, is that correct?

Please call me Ello.

Oh, we are true formality here at Theater Max.

First names only.

Oh, okay.

But well, the theater's though, though, name with your last name, then.

Yes, because that's the name of the name.

Wouldn't it be Theater Ello?

Okay, all right.

Do not embarrass me.

Bargie.

I'm so overwhelmed.

I'm so sorry.

It's just you have a good amazing presence, and I don't want to choke it up.

Bargie, you have acted before?

I have.

Yeah, uh, hello.

Bargie, where we're from, is famous.

She has a decades-long career of A-list hollows.

Well, and some B-lists and C-lists.

Oh, sure.

Let's see a clip.

Oh, Barge, I don't have a projector anymore.

I do, I do.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

Can you set this up for us?

It's called Ships on the Line.

It's the last performance JJ.

I mean Dart normally 100% yes, but just like I'm freaking out because I

like recognize this guy.

Okay, a simple no would have been enough.

It's like I've seen him over and over and over somewhere.

You know what I mean?

Does he work without the search?

I changed my mind.

I think I want to be a part of this workshop more than I want to go fool around.

Totally understand, so let's just figure out how I know this guy.

Dar?

Are you proud of this performance?

Uh, you know, not really.

And yet, you showed it to us.

You were quite eager to show it to us.

She does it a lot.

Yeah, we've seen a lot of

real short clips of Paris,

and it's like, I hate it.

And we're like, okay.

Bargy, you come to me a fully formed actor.

Wow.

Fully formed.

Encrusted with bad habits.

Encrusted with them like barnacles.

Right.

On a...

On a ship.

I mean, it's your shirt, yeah.

It's a metaphor.

Yeah.

Are you willing to chip away at those bad habits and perhaps find the actor underneath?

Yes.

Change me.

Marvelous.

Are you all here to participate in the workshop?

Oh, no, no.

No, we're just Bargie's colleagues.

We're envoys for the coup.

I'm C-53.

This is Pleck, Dar, AJ, and Nermit.

Alright.

Hello.

We won't be taking the workshop.

Thank you.

Really?

Let me tell you something about the theater.

Do you know what one calls a theater?

The theater.

I think he was asking for a different.

Oh, we also call it a space.

Wait, hold on.

This is the space.

Now the space.

Now the space I like.

I like that.

It's a great space.

I can feel the space in this space.

And you are space explorers.

It's perfect.

Yeah.

Oh, it's perfect, you guys.

Get on board.

It's perfect.

Okay, okay.

All right.

This rolls.

Yes.

Yes, we're going to do a group workshop.

My favorite kind.

We'll connect with each other.

Everyone, hold hands right now oh boy okay

okay

extending my arms extending my arms wow bargie i didn't know you had those okay uh barge i've got one of your manipulator arms here and i have c53's other very claiming hands i'm sorry i don't have control over that please do what you want to the sentience i have brought with me wait what uh to make the a better actual bargie thank you we're going to improvise do you know what that is Yeah, it's like, you know, kind of like messing around, but you like spend a lot of time on it, being really serious about imaginary stuff.

And then you're wondering, like, am I actually just too lazy to write?

And then by that time, you sunk like a ton of money into it, so you're like, well, I better keep doing it.

It's improv.

It's like, it's like stupid, right?

There's an aspect of it that's stupid.

Right.

But the stupidity is actually very intelligent.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I can do it.

AJ, here's what we're going to do.

Okay.

I will play the king, and you are my enforcer.

Okay.

Yeah, I think I can do that.

Pleck, you are my fool.

Uh,

uh, da.

Yep, you are a lady in waiting.

Son.

C-53,

you are a god.

Okay.

If I call for god, that's you.

All right, I will be ready.

Yes.

Oh, and uh, young Nermit.

Yes.

He's not that young, but I mean, for his species, he's got one foot in the grave.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because I was going to cast you as boy.

A boy of the court.

Okay.

Here, we have.

Listen, wait, just hold on.

I have a box here.

Let's put this wig on.

It's over my shoulder.

It's pretty good.

It's a good blonde ringlet.

That's very adorable.

Now, let us begin.

Let us begin the scene.

Sorry to interrupt.

Do I have a pot as well?

Oh, did I not assign you one?

No.

I mean, unless that was the whole thing.

Bargie, you are a prisoner.

You are a prisoner of the king.

Okay, got it.

Understood.

Thank you.

You are chained in the middle of the room.

Fantastic.

I feel like he gave us all roles that are just super low status compared to him.

Very distracting, all this muttering.

Yeah.

Okay, sir.

Our apologies.

Can we get room channel?

Let's do this.

Come on.

This is not film.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

What happens?

Happens.

We embrace the noises.

I'm so sorry, Ella.

I'm so sorry.

It's gone.

Don't warn everyone.

I'm sorry.

As the curtain rises, the king speaks.

Fool!

Yeah, uh, yes, sing for me.

Uh, okay.

Well, the tale of Bali the ballroom cat is one that might excite.

With a tea and a hoe and a nanny tea-hoe, Bali went into the night.

Fool!

And a.

Well, uh, yeah, stop singing.

Um, yes, my liege

Lady in waiting, yep, you can start giving me a back massage.

Uh-huh.

Ah, very good.

Very good.

Does that make you uncomfortable?

Massaging you?

No, not really.

We'll try to find the discomfort

in your back

in your soul.

You don't like this.

Who are you?

Where did you come from?

Why are you a lady in waiting?

Why are you not the queen?

Which one of you is the queen?

There is no queen.

Sorry, just to be clear, are we still holding hands at this point?

Okay, all right.

Now I just want to check

C-53's angle.

Hold hands.

And I did it but

Jesus worked to everyone he tried and failed.

Does anyone else here have any experience in the theater?

Besides Bargie, thank you.

I do.

I do.

Tell.

One time when I was on the strike force, there was a crowded theater full of dissidents.

We locked a theater and set it on fire.

AJ, what?

AJ, that's not an experience in the theater.

Well, I mean, I'm sure I wasn't in the theater, but it was around the theater.

Yeah,

I got the story.

It's just pretty grim.

You're a bit of a critic, AJ.

I guess so.

You know, I like what I like.

And I didn't like those dissidents.

But were there difficult times when you weren't getting gigs?

Oh, hello, it was never easy, but it was worth it.

It was always worth it, no matter how hard it got.

I want you to access the bad feeling.

Oh, okay.

And I want you to take all that bad feeling, and I want you to yell at Pleck.

Okay.

What, me?

Yes, it's a scene.

Okay.

And you're going to pretend that Pleck is your daddy.

Okay.

And Pleck, you are the daddy.

Defend yourself.

This is a classic acting exercise.

But we don't say action in the theater.

We say go.

Go!

Uh-oh.

I hate you, Daddy!

I hate you for what you did!

Well,

listen to me, Daddy.

Slap him, AJ.

I don't know.

Slap him.

Ow!

Ow!

Am I still the jester at this point, or am I his daddy?

You're the daddy now.

You're the daddy.

Okay.

It's a different scene, Pleck.

Keep up.

Hey, I'm sorry to pull over here, Ello, but I feel like all of these exercises are just designed to make us feel bad.

Does that make you uncomfortable?

I mean, yes.

I think I just realized what's making me feel uncomfortable.

It's that Pleck just made us stop when I felt the impulse to slap him in the scene.

Follow that impulse.

That's the.

Ow!

That's a good way.

You're in the scene?

I thought it was just a scene with me and AJ.

Oh, my mechanical arm had also slapped you.

No, no.

Ow!

This isn't acting, right?

Is it?

Silence, fool.

Oh, you really got it.

So it is the same scene.

Now, let me explain something.

Yes, we are slapping Pleck.

And yes, it's painful for Pleck.

But we are on a stage.

So we're protected by that.

We're not really angry at Pleck.

If

we get in a line.

Line out.

Yes.

All right, next.

Slap.

Slap.

Go.

Yes.

Ow.

Next.

Next.

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

My knee!

Nervous!

Now let me ask you something.

Are we all really angry at pluck?

Of course not.

But on the stage, in the imaginary circumstance of our rage, we do this.

Ow!

Do it!

What's the difference?

The difference is people pay to see it.

Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.

What is a clap but a slap?

Oh, wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Mind

blown.

If anything, it's two slaps at the same time.

Now you're getting it.

Oh, profound.

Now you're getting it.

Ow!

I need to be further away from you, I think.

Well, go sit in the house if you want, Mr.

Fussbudget.

You heard him.

Let me tell you something about the theater.

We call the audience the house.

But we on stage are the players.

We play.

Now, does that language make you uncomfortable, Pleck?

Uh.

Do you think it's infantilizing for me to say we play up here?

I

would say it's not as infantilizing as being slapped repeatedly.

Well, you would never slap a child.

That's absurd.

Exactly.

There are laws about dark.

You're a parent.

Some strange thing popped into my head.

What is it, Nermit?

What are you trying to stage whisper to me?

One of the series I was watching in the Reflactorium is sort of...

Please don't talk about something you've been watching.

This is important.

It's It's not like the earlier one about hoarding, which is also amazing.

This one is.

That sounds exploitative, honestly, but fine.

I was watching a 27-part true crime series on this galaxy's most nefarious criminals.

Four of those episodes focus on John the Malevolent.

When the Koos Galactic Tribunal laid out all the charges against him, all he would ask is, Does that make you uncomfortable?

Does that make you uncomfortable over and over?

Yes.

What is your point?

Oh, Dar, come on.

That's what he's saying.

I think Alho is John.

The director.

Yes.

You sound a little far-fetched at the moment.

Okay, so.

No, I am near-fetched, as near as fetching can be.

Excuse me, we really can't get any work done if everyone just pairs off and mutters.

Sorry, what's going on here?

Oh, nothing.

Well, perhaps you'd like to share with the rest of the class.

Sure with the rest of the class.

That's what we're here for.

Like they say in school.

Sure, fine.

I was just telling Dar that I think I recognize you, so I probably just have seen you in something.

Nermi specifically thinks you look like one of the villains from one of his little hollow programs.

Was it again, Nermit?

John the Malevolent?

No.

John the Malevolent, yes, yes, yes.

I vaguely recall,

who was killed by his people.

Very unfortunate, very unfortunate.

There were photographs of his burned body.

Anyway.

Who was he, though?

Wait, he was killed by his people.

John the Malevolent is, I mean, was, a authoritarian ruler here in this galaxy.

He was an authority.

That doesn't necessarily make him an authoritarian.

He was an authority on ruling.

I'm just saying that John the Malevolent was responsible for hundreds of thousands of deaths.

Let me ask you this.

Yes.

Is being an authority a bad thing?

No.

No, not.

And perhaps this conversation makes you uncomfortable.

Does it make you uncomfortable?

Uncomfortable?

Now you're just saying John the Malevolent's famous phrase.

Let me tell you something about the theater.

The theater is not a democracy.

In fact, I am something of an authoritarian.

I tell you what to do.

If I wish to slap Pleck, I do it because we're on stage.

Because

we're on the stage.

I don't know.

I'm just calling him.

I'm telling you something about the theater, Plec.

Sometimes you can walk off stage, go into the house, but you're still on stage.

Okay, I don't know.

This all sounds a little high concept for me, so.

Uh, I think what you mean is this is immersive theater, and I think you should get into it.

I don't like that at all.

Guys, I'm not sure this workshop is for me.

I mean, I don't think this workshop should be for anyone.

I don't think this guy is who he claims to be.

Do you think he hasn't called for the guard yet because the scene hasn't called for it, or does he just not think I'm much of an actor?

Oh.

I have sealed the doors.

The doors.

Because I get the sense that some of you want to leave.

No.

Oh, I was just saying that nobody's even spoken to me in this scene, so I haven't had a chance to say anything.

Oh, so lines are what make a role significant?

Oh, no, I, you know, I didn't mean to imply that, you you know, you need to have a.

Oh, you didn't.

No, I.

Well, what did you mean to imply?

Wow.

I guess I just thought.

Black, do you feel this nervous when people talk to you?

Is this every time?

Every single time.

This is horrible.

I hate this.

Yeah.

I tell you what.

Here, take this.

Where's.

Here.

This broom.

I want you to imagine that it's a

lance.

Okay, yeah, sure.

Now, I want you to also imagine a shield over your face with a slit in it for your eyes.

It's very scary looking.

Okay, yes, very good.

Let me ask you a question now: is this man more threatening or less threatening if he speaks?

I know the answer.

Do you?

Ooh, less threatening if he speaks.

I gotta agree.

High five.

Oh, all right.

It's another form of a slap.

Now, this is a slap I can get behind.

All right.

Can I I have one of those?

Ow!

Ow!

That was not.

I'm on my hand.

On my hand.

Very high five.

Why won't you text back, Croy?

I can see that you read it.

You said even though we're going to different colleges, we would go steady forever.

Oh, the three little typing dots.

Groy, you are my everything.

Wait, where'd they go?

Oh!

Daddy, I want you to kill my boyfriend.

Oh, he's always so busy.

Oh, I'm the brand cooler.

I'm so busy.

Dearest diary, what a dad.

If only I were a spaceship, I could blast off into space and fly far, far away.

I'm just thankful that even though, like, no one even loves me, I have Dipsy.

I so need an escape.

But those can totally be hard to come by right now.

But like, enter Dipsy.

It lets me get lost in a world where good things actually happen, and where my pleasure is the only priority.

Do you hear that, Groy?

My pleasure!

Because Dipsy is literally an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on.

And if you need to wind down, Dipsy also has wellness sessions, central bedtime stories, and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift off.

Like if you're worked up because your dad's always shooting visitors or whatever.

And diary?

You look totally amazed, I

dipsy is offering an extended 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com/slash six.

That's 30 days of full access for free.

When you go to DIPSEA stories.com/slash six.

Oh, wait.

Is that

the bargerian Jack and Jay?

I could sneak on and let you escape.

Well, also figuratively escaping using this audio app.

Dipsystories.com, by the way.

Barty.

Party.

Yeah, what's up, Adrian?

Do you feel like you're becoming a better actor because of all this?

How you hit black and yelled at T?

I mean, to be honest, to be an actor is about making you uncomfortable, right?

And making you second-guess every training that you've ever had.

So, in a way, I feel uncomfortable.

I feel low status.

I feel unheard.

I feel like perhaps this was a mistake.

So, I think it is working.

Yeah, I think it is.

I couldn't help overhearing.

Oh, so sorry, bro.

I'm very glad I can't do a size, honestly.

It's just a speaker system.

It's wonderful that you're feeling low status.

That's very important.

Now, I want you to

feel even lower.

What I'm trying to find is what we in the theater call substitution.

So, So, if your job in the play is to suffer, but the circumstances of the play have no meaning to you, you'd know nothing of kings and authoritarians.

What know you of such things?

But you can relate to something personal,

like the death of a pet.

Or perhaps a time that I don't know, you needed oil or something.

I think I know exactly what you mean.

All right, now I want you to go there, and I want you to tell the fool, get back up here.

Fool.

I think I may be retired from it.

I got him.

I got him.

I got him, Eleanor.

No one retires from Theatre Max.

Okay.

All right, now, I want you to dig deep inside, and in your own words, tell the fool how much he's disappointed you.

And go.

Hey, quack, Dexeton.

The fool's name is the first time.

You may call him by that name.

You may call him by that name.

We all know it's just pretend.

We all know we're on stage.

We are playing.

We are playing

the language of children.

We are playing.

But really, give it to him.

Well, Bleck, you've hurt my feelings the past couple weeks.

Really?

Yeah, you no longer ask me what my days,

what I'm up to,

the things is that I'm doing is.

You're starting to look at me the same way you look at the other ships here.

Like they're nothing.

They're nobodies.

They're not sentients like the way I am.

No, Bargie.

Do you know what I've had to do to be here today?

How much I sacrifice for you, Pleck, your giant deck setter?

I'm not sure that's right.

I gave up my son.

I gave up my friends.

You know why?

Because

I care about you.

But do you care about me?

You don't care about me?

Do you know how much I plead for you?

Let the oil come out.

And that's what you want, like your cow dark.

No, that's way off.

That was marvelous.

You did it.

You did it.

I believed you.

Did everyone believe Bargie?

Yes.

Dark, dark, dark.

What?

What is it now?

That slow clap.

The cadence of that clap was exactly the same as John the Malevolent's slow clap right before he threw his advisors into a pit.

This is a stretch, and I think we could both agree that you should drop it.

Hey guys.

So, yes, yes.

Excuse me.

He asked me to come and make sure everyone was being quiet, so I'm just asking you guys, in respect for the work, could you guys just take it down a little bit?

Just a little bit.

AJ, where did you get the all-black outfit?

Hello gave it to me, because stage managers always wear black.

And we're also doing a cuticube in a few minutes, so...

A what?

Excuse me.

Look, uh, I tried to do that.

I've had enough.

If this muttering continues, I just nermit.

Yes.

You keep staring at me.

If you people keep muttering behind my back, I'm gonna throw you into the pit.

Oh my rod.

That's the pit here where the orchestra plays.

Dark.

What did I tell you about the pit?

He threw his people into it.

Now he's going to do the same thing to us.

I beg your pardon.

Speak up.

I'm fully aware that John the Malevolent threw his people into a large pit.

It was not an orchestra pit.

There was narrow violinist there.

How do you know that?

Well, you know, I don't know that.

I don't know that.

I'm a man of the theater.

I'm not an authoritarian exile pretending to be a man of the theater.

That's absurd.

So you've always gone by the name Ello.

Of course.

I am Max, the...

I mean, I'm Ello Max.

Theater director.

Seemed a little...

A little bit of a delay on that.

We all get our names wrong from time to time, right?

We all sometimes don't say our names right.

Come on.

Okay, yeah, Nermit, I would say I am suspicious now.

Yeah, you think?

He stumbled on his own name?

Not to mention locked the doors earlier?

Nermit, get in the pit.

Get in the pit right now.

It's an orchestra pit.

Will you relax?

Sell her.

Landed on Timpani.

Could do a lot worse than landing on Timpany.

That sounded like a little champagne.

Hey, be careful with those drums, please.

Careful with the drums, people.

Nermit, put down that trombone.

Sorry.

Stop that.

I call that little solo malevolence in spring.

Can we get back to the work?

You know, it's everybody's time here, and we could talk about who is or who is not a genocidal dictator all day long, but I think we want to get back to the work.

Huh?

Who's with me?

I have an idea.

Let's all do some table work.

Okay?

By which I mean, let's make a table.

Now, Now, uh, yeah, there's some work in here, and uh,

you want us to build a table?

I have got some tools in the wings here.

If uh, here you go, can you take that hammer, please?

Okay, hold on, no, this can't be.

Come on, AJ, help me organize this.

You look like a man who's built a table before.

All right, let's focus on this tablework right now,

okay?

Hey, hey, Bargie, Bargie.

Yes, pleck, pleck, hammer that nail.

Okay, okay, yes, hold on.

Uh, Ello, this has all been great.

All the slapping has kind of uh made me need to go to the bathroom.

Can I just do that real quick?

Take a quick.

Yes, right to

the left wing there.

Oh, yeah, I'll just use Bargie's stuff.

Alright, leave the hammer, please.

Where are you going?

Leave the hammer.

Of course.

Hey, Bargie.

Bargie.

Hey, hold on, Bargie.

Is this just the sound you make when nobody's inside of you?

No one's inside.

No, Bargie, Bargie, Cleck, it's Cleck in here.

Oh,

sorry.

It was my inside voice.

Your inner monologue plays inside when we're outside?

What do you want?

Listen, Bargie, I think something's going on with Ello Max.

I need your help.

You're the only person who can help us.

I know.

Ello keeps focusing on everybody else, even though this workshop was supposed to be for me.

I don't feel like I'm progressing as an actual.

If Exactly, I feel like it's worse.

Exactly, Bargie.

I need you to make this workshop about him.

You're the only person who knows the business like he does.

You need to get him somehow to tell his story.

It just, it seems like he might be a really bad guy, and if so, we need him to slip up and admit that.

You want me to make him uncomfortable?

Uh, I guess so.

Only if you apologize, Mike.

Oh, uh, uh, Bargie.

What I said was true before.

You know, Bargie, listen, I'm so sorry if you feel like I've been ignoring you or that you feel lost or alone.

I know we're all here because of something that I did.

But I promise you, we will find a way back to the Zig Squadron somehow.

Because

if my destiny is to save the galaxy,

but I can't save my friends,

I can't accept that.

I don't know Black I am.

Wow, wow!

Yes, Black Elf.

How did the arm get inside?

Alright, you want me to destroy this?

Directly, you want me to destroy him?

I'll destroy him.

Is that what you want?

Wow.

He will crush him.

He will crush him.

So he never existed.

Alright, very good.

Now that's a table.

Good work, everyone.

Give yourselves a half.

are you doing?

Pretty good.

Look at that.

Um, Director Ello.

I was wondering when we would get to the part of the session we get to ask you questions.

Well,

I'd be happy to.

Why don't we all...

Everyone pull up a chair.

Let's all sit at this table.

Anything you want to ask.

That's what table work is about.

It's about a back and forth where we discuss the

subtextual aspects of what we're working on.

Wonderful.

Um,

sure.

Please don't be shy.

Anything you want to ask.

I'm I'm

all ears.

Number one, how do you hype yourself up for a day on the stage?

I do a jog right before I have to get to the theater.

Do you like lunch or dinner better?

Lunch.

Sometimes I don't even have dinner.

What's your deepest, darkest secret?

I don't like peanuts.

Go darker.

I had issues with my father.

Go deep.

I was John the Malevolent.

What?

Go deep and dark.

There was an uprising.

I instituted martial law,

and then I threw those people into the pit.

I burned a body and said it was me.

I had my officials lie to the public, and then I fled.

Wait, you're John the Malevolent?

Yes, and Bargie made me inadvertently confess.

Someone in the the entertainment industry is...

bad?

I can't believe I'm telling you this.

This is the most profound tablework I've ever been a part of.

I have a follow-up about the lunch.

Bargie!

Bargie!

You have become a director.

You pulled something out of me that I didn't want to pull out, that I was afraid of.

It made me uncomfortable to talk about this.

It made me uncomfortable.

I made you uncomfortable.

Thank you.

I'm a director now.

Yes.

I'm a director now.

I'm a director now.

Let me just tell you that the director's union has very good health care.

Is it on very expensive join-in, or?

Yeah, I'll give you some of the literature.

Okay.

Look, I.

I was an authoritarian, and now I'm a director.

The only killing I do is when I

murder an audience through a great performance, metaphorically.

AJ, AJ, relax.

No one else got it.

It's great.

No, we all got it.

Yeah, it's a little inappropriate.

Okay, okay.

Dark gave it his pass.

You know, when I played John

Hold on, wait a minute.

What?

You played yourself in the docu-series.

Did you see this reenactment?

Yes, that's where I recognized you from.

Twist.

Oh, it was you.

Yes.

I knew it all along.

Why would you ever play yourself in a docuseries about how you were an evil monster?

Well, I had given up my kingdom.

I had to make money.

I became an actor.

I joined the union and the audition came up.

What was I supposed to do?

Turn it down?

Seems like a risk.

You're a fugitive.

Frankly, I thought I was a very good fit for the role.

And it was actually between me and another guy.

Really?

Wow.

Yes.

No, he's doing very well.

He just got a series.

I know that, Felic.

Yeah.

Yes.

When I played John the Malevolent, I was in a TV studio being filmed.

Someone else had written the lines.

It was a challenge.

I couldn't just walk in and be me.

I was acting.

And you had to regrow the mustache.

The mustache was fake.

They gave me a false mustache because of the flashbacks from when I was a boy.

Which I also played quite effectively.

As a boy.

Oh, this is the wings from the Ducky City.

Yes, yes.

That was really impressive, honestly, very impressive.

I know it's hard to believe, but when I was young, I had very luxurious blonde hair.

AJ, it's not even a joke.

Well,

I suppose your plan is to

arrest me and call the authorities, eh?

Yeah,

you've solved the case.

I mean, we were

yes.

But yeah, that's.

Yeah, we're gonna do that.

I guess so.

You'll be all over the universe now.

Heroes.

Yeah, we can call that number they show at the end of the docu-siri instead.

Well, that's not going to happen.

AJ.

Yes,

that suit I gave you has a phaser in the pocket.

Oh, oh, yeah, it does.

Command them to go into the pit.

What?

Guys,

AJ.

What can I say?

I got bit by the theater bugs.

AJ!

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm a director now.

Alright, I'm a directure.

AJ?

Yes, party.

Silence.

AJ.

Yes?

Look at my hole.

Focus on it.

Remember who you are.

I'm AJ.

Don't do it.

Oh, yeah, I shouldn't be doing that, right?

Because I'm

my friend.

AJ, you have something to prove.

What you want to prove is that you're a good man.

So throw everybody into the pit now.

Prove your goodness.

You guys have to go in the pit.

Sorry.

No, AJ.

AJ.

You guys gotta go in the pit.

AJ.

Huh?

AJ, repeat after me.

Monique Moyorg.

Monique Muyorg.

Don't do it.

Monique Mori.

Mana La Lavaza.

Mana La Lavaza.

AJ cracks the clap.

I'll bring it back if you could.

I'm just gonna pass out.

I'm passing out.

I'm passing out.

And he's down.

Oh boy.

Your direction is too good.

You become too good.

And I'll take this phaser.

Hello.

Yeah.

You'll never take me alive.

I know every inch of this theater.

He's climbing the cat.

I'm just climbing up the catwalk.

He's on his catwalk.

Yes, I'm climbing up.

Wow.

Scrim came down.

He just counterweighted that perfectly.

Hello, to be honest, it's sort of hard to hear you up there.

What are you yelling down at us?

Do I make you uncomfortable?

Hello!

Oh!

Oh!

Right into the middle.

You don't want to land on a Timpani like that.

Yeah.

Nermit.

Fleck, you know, um,

we feel pretty bad about slapping you so much on the orders of a

deposed dictator.

So

would you have felt better about it if it had just been a regular weird director?

A little bit.

I feel like I would have believed it was more part of a process, you know.

But by way of an olive branch, I thought I'd, you know, you didn't get to go to the Arboretum to get an actual branch, but I did hold on to this broom from Ello's props.

Oh.

Oh, wow.

Cleck, a broom from the space.

Hey, yeah, it is from the space.

So, in many ways, it seems like this is your woodsaber.

Here, I'll just break off the uh.

Yeah, get the bristles out of there.

Oh, and then, yeah.

It's like that old weird stick you always had.

Yeah, thank you, Bargie.

Yeah,

but just be careful, because this is the pointy side, you know.

This is kind of

a nice heft to it.

It's pretty good.

Alright.

Thanks, guys.

Wow, this is really.

Don't put your eye out.

Yeah.

Yeah, you might want to sand down that end.

No, no, no.

The splintery end is what gives it a little bit of, you know,

intimidation power.

By the way,

you saved the day, Lizard Man, with your crippling addiction to the reflectory.

Yeah.

Nerman, if you hadn't alerted us to the fact that LO Max was actually John the Malevolent, I mean, we would have just had a pretty good theater workshop.

You know what?

I had kind of nailed this one on the old mission on the ship.

It's a new fresh feeling, isn't it?

Yeah.

Beats being a nerd, right?

Nermit being effective on a mission.

Will wonders never cease.

Hey, come on.

Yeah.

Well, you know, beats that dirt.

Don't track stuff about

these off, all right?

Too soon, AJ.

Oh, and Bargy?

Yeah.

I gotta say, I've taken orders from a lot of people.

A lot of people.

Yeah, you have.

But you,

got something.

Boss around,

made to perform, be a little

monkey on set, dancing for people as they laugh at me and make fun of me.

I could turn it around

and be better.

I could use them for my benefit.

Listen, okay.

I could be a director.

That's

the spirit took away?

To be honest, I uh I'm still a little tuped off because I paid a lot of croon for this workshop and it doesn't seem to be a refund.

Wait, is that the right

use of two?

Why did you pay croon?

Yeah,

they don't use croon, they don't need any money at all.

They don't even know what croon is.

But I

gave them all of the croon that was on the ship.

Oh, Bargie.

Bargie.

That they said I would give.

Okay, well, well, now I have even more motivation to become a director to use people.

Yep, Baji has a mission now, and it's called Rivenge.

Ow!

Oh, you got a splinter?

Yeah.

Does that make you uncomfortable?

Stay right here.

That dart's gonna get on guard you with all of you right now.

It's that dark?

Coming under the ship with us, that's the dar that has been with us this whole time.

Oh no, now everyone's done.

Ah, yes.

I move there.

Do not worry, precious star.

You shall have a second lease on life.

A better life.

A fulfilling life.

A whack of life.

Come on.

Okay.

Oh, you're a big fellow.

Okay, maybe.

Maybe from here.

Maybe I try it.

No, it's not gonna worry.

It's not gonna worry.

Okay.

Oh, you know what?

If I use the staff like a lever, I can't.

Wow, you are totally dead.

There is no...

no movement to help.

Well,

jump me.

What do I sort of do here?

Okay.

You know what?

I'm just going to fix you here right now.

Let's see.

Okay.

Just pull that.

Wow, that is still hot.

Oh, gross.

A couple of these right here.

Screw that.

Yeah, that's...

That's supposed to go on heads now, I'm right, okay?

And uh...

That's done.

Boom, bang boom, there we go.

This is Sea Red IT5, Credits and Attributions joined commencing outro protocol.

Black Deck Center was played by Alden Ford.

Lead on Voice C53 was played by Jeremy Bett.

Dar was played by Ellie Kokesh.

Barnjee the Ship was played by Mujan Zolfogari.

Narrative Bundaloy was played by Seth Lind.

AJ was played by Winston Null.

John the Malevolent was played by special guest James Urbaniak.

James is the voice of Dr.

Venture on The Venture Brothers, Arthur on Hulu's Difficult People, and Grant on Comedy Central's Review.

With Bree Williams, he created the scripted podcast series, Getting On with James Urbaniak, and their audio feature, I Will Never Lie to You, is coming soon to Audible.

This episode was edited by Seth Lynn with sound design and mixed by Shane O'Connell.

Theme music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by fames Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Orchestra mixing by Danny Keith Taylor.

Additional music by Shane O'Connell.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Ship Design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goyce.

Audio hosting by Simplecast.

Don't forget about our live performance on October 3rd at the Bellhouse in Brooklyn, New York.

Info and tickets at mission2zix.space.

Mission2Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Hi, my name is Graham Clark, and I'm one half of the podcast Stop Podcasting Yourself, a show that we've recorded for many, many years.

And at the moment, instead of being in person, we're recording remotely, and you wouldn't even notice, you don't even notice the lag.

That's right, Graham.

And

the great thing about this...

Go ahead.

No, you go ahead.

Okay.

Okay, go ahead.

And you can listen to us every week on maximumfun.org.

Or wherever you get your podcasts.

Your podcasts.

Hi, I'm Allie Gertz.

And I'm Julia Prescott.

And we're the hosts of Around Springfield.

Round Springfield is a Simpsons-adjacent podcast where we talk to Simpsons folks about non-Simpsons things.

That's right.

So in the past, we've gotten to talk to legendary showrunners and writers like Al Gene, Bill Oakley, Josh Weinstein, Dana Gould, Mike Reese, and David X.

Cohen.

Voice actors like Maurice LaMarche, Maggie Roswell, and Yardley Smith.

The voice of Lisa Simpson herself.

Hell yeah.

So we've been away securing guests for our final five episodes.

We won't tell you everybody, but we'll let you know that the last episode is kind of a big deal.

We got Matt Greening.

Homer's dad.

We got Homer's Dad.

Check out new episodes of Round Springfield starting June 21st on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

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I can't believe I said that.

Are you all mad at me now?

That's great.

I think that's really funny.

Not personally, but on a you know, ideological level, yes, very.