You've Got Chainmail!

Friends, I reach out to you during this coldest of months to invite you to the church so that we may celebrate the most harrowed day on our calendar: the lighting of the sun,

the anniversary of the very day that Rhodos himself lit the sun.

By the glorious grace of Rhodos, the darkness shall be dispelled, and the days shall once again grow longer.

I would have you with me at my side, friends, as I celebrate this most glorious day.

Signed

Quario, Valad of Rotosonite.

Happy birthday, friend!

Ah, breathing burial!

Uh, Dwayne the Orc chance, it is good to see you, but it is not my birthday.

Oh, it's a birthday to him that you request.

No, no, no, no, no, sir, please no.

There seems to be some confusion here.

It is not my birthday.

But you sent us all

an invitation?

I did send you an invitation, but it is an invitation to my ceremony for the lighting of the sun, invoking my great lord Rhodos.

I'm sorry, wait, are you not Rhodos?

No, Dwayne.

No,

no, Dwayne, I'm Quarry.

It is still pretty dark out.

When does it go?

The ceremony has not yet begun.

Julie Sun of Groin.

Is there a merry tune that goes along with the day?

Yes, actually, there is a most holy hymn that goes along with the lighting of the sun.

Allow me to sing it for you now.

He came straight to our face, he's very close to all of us.

Put our trust in

you,

Rotos.

Never thought I'd miss Samesies.

Jeez.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's not really a danceable beat.

Oh, I'm very into it.

There are 29 more verses.

So it's like a song about your ex.

No, he's not.

Rhodos is not a person.

Bosoms heaved and hideous he lived.

You shall not despoil the name of Rhodos.

Well, good party so far.

Yes, friends, I'm sorry.

I hope you don't, but I brought my roommate, Petra.

Oh, very well.

Was she invited, or what?

No!

Yes, well.

Oh,

I haven't had anything to eat today.

Yes, these cakes are meant to represent the first food grown with the light of the sun ignited by Rhodos himself.

As you can see, they are burned to a crisp.

The heat of the sun was extremely intense upon first lighting it.

You know what I actually just ate.

Will you not share a cake with me, Jiggly, son of Groin?

I'll have his.

I'll eat it.

You just leave it in your mouth a little while.

It actually becomes soft enough to bite.

Here, Jigly, uh, if you open your mouth, I'll just baby bird some of this rock hard cake into your mouth.

Here we go.

Drop it in there.

No.

You will not shame these cakes in this way.

But I was the baby bird.

So, burnt cakes and hymns.

That's what we're doing.

Yes, it is a glorious celebration of Rhodos the Sunlighter.

While you attempt to eat your cakes, and I'm going to draw your attention to this

pine tree covered in decorative items.

Oh, it's lovely, it smells so good.

I love the tints of the colour.

This represents the rude, untamed nature that Rhodos was to correct.

Oh, he's putting a torch to it.

Yes.

Ignite Rhodos.

Wow, that confirmed

Look at those little ornaments.

Small gifts.

Cast them away.

Cast them into the flame.

Reject the temptations of the world.

Yes, they are meant to.

You put so much work into them.

Yes, I must.

It is part of the ritual.

You could have just not given us the candies.

No, but the temptation must be there.

All right.

Just throw your boots into the fire.

All right, all right.

Do not be tempted by these caramels.

Oh, they were caramel

crock me.

Heroes, heroes, please.

Traveler, You profane this shrine to Rotos by letting in this darkness!

Hear me!

You are the only ones who can help me!

I seek the fellowship of the Legum!

Well, friend, then you have found them.

What business have you with the fellowship?

We're them.

Them is us.

We are the Legumis.

No, we're not doing that.

We're not doing Legumis.

We're not the Legumis?

Only the Legumis can help me, for I have this this bag of messages for thee.

With sand mail?

I, Thagamos, and all of my kind travel from settlement to settlement, bearing written messages.

And not only am I charged with delivering them, but I

shall be the one to read them.

You made it seem like it was a big problem when you came in, but it just seems like you're gonna read mail.

Yes, Thagamos, you seem terrified.

I am!

I am!

This is my first job!

Does anything in the rules of the day of Rhodos mean that we cannot open and read mail?

Well, actually.

Um what a fun game!

Let's just do it!

It's something other than cakes and hymns, am I right?

Am I right?

I suppose it's alright.

It'll be fun!

Weary traveller, please, entertain us with your first question.

Ah, thank you, kind bard.

I have the first letter here.

This one is for Samesies.

Ah, well, that is actually me, myself, and I.

Oh.

One in the Samesies.

Very well.

Same Zies.

Pretty good, Dwayne.

Pretty good.

Dwayne, your wordplay has grown in leaps and bounds.

Not, honestly, not bad.

No doubt the no doubt the influence of Rhodos the Sunlighter upon our mind.

Uh, Shannon asks Samzies,

of all the songs you've written, which one is your favorite?

What a wonderful.

First of all, thank you for your question.

Second of all, oh, it's like picking a child.

I just, how can one just be like,

do we answer all of them, or do we kind of like skip ones that are.

We can skip the ones that are annoying.

We can skip the ones that aren't annoying.

No, no, no.

It's

the Haystacks of Felwath Plain.

That's my favorite.

It's the Haystacks of Felwath Plain.

Why am I familiar with this song?

It deals with a maiden named Jane, and it's just very.

It's some of the themes that I like to go into in my work.

Let's continue on.

Yes, the question has been answered.

There is no need to sell it.

Very well.

I have a question from Noel.

Thagamos, you may approach the table.

You needn't

cower in the corner like

near to the door.

No, come closer to the altar.

Enjoy the warmth of the light of Rhodos, the sunlighter.

And please, have one of his cakes.

Also, if you want, I can chew up the cake for you first and then spit it out.

Oh, yeah, you're the baby.

Don't do it, baby.

No, don't do that.

That's disgusting.

I'm working on a spell to take away the butt pots.

Look at you shall not use your wicked magics on this cake of Rhodos.

Undo the darkness, go away.

Make the cake nice and grey.

No, you've done it.

I mean, it doesn't look appetizing, though.

And I have yet another question for you.

Very well, Tagabusk.

This one is by Lemons Today.

Their question is.

There's a vendor of lemons lemons today?

Who can say?

Listen, I collect and deliver the letters, but I have no information about from which they come.

Surely you must remember who you collected the letter from.

Nay, I say nay.

That is why I then travel to any nearest township and scream my responses to the masses.

Hoping to find someone who has written the letter.

Ah, I see.

So you do not remember who you have collected the message from.

You just scream the answers and hope.

No, anonymity is built in.

And we reply verbally.

Yes.

Yes.

So you are memorizing our answers and you will yell them.

Yes, I shall travel to the nearest township, scream them at the top of my lungs, and then once someone is like, oh, that was me, I'm lemons Today, I shall remove that from my speech at the next township,

knowing full well that Lemons Today has received his reply.

Oh, Petra fell asleep.

She's awake.

Look at the real resting witch face.

What's the question, dear messenger?

Hi, Quario.

Oh.

What was the reason you took up the oath of becoming a paladin?

Uh,

what was the reason?

Oh, no.

The reason was

waving your sword.

Please, sir, please, sir, away your sword.

The reason was I had a moment of clarity where I'd realized my entire life I'd been sitting in the blackest darkness, and the only one who would shed but a single ray of light on my hopeless condition was Rhodos the Sunlighter.

And in that moment I realized that if my life was not spent serving Rhodos,

I would have wished at the very gift that Rhodos himself granted me.

And I pledged that that would never happen.

Yeah, it wasn't, it was, I was in a bad place.

Our next question is from Michelle,

who asks, Book it!

What?

What's your favorite spell that you've ever cast?

Aside from turning yourself into a witch, and how did you meet your roommate, Petra?

Oh, it's a two-part, isn't it?

I'm going to sort one number two.

Well, Petra and I met in school, did we not?

Roommate doing?

What?

We were roommates aside to each other or random.

And we'll be like, we got a lot of coins.

For example, Petra and I, we both like

to jog.

Also, Petra, you tell a funny story about the day we met.

Can you say it again?

We're never mad.

What was the day we met?

We're coming for you.

We're coming for a day.

But we're going to be.

This screen offensed the ears of Rogers.

And then, you know, Larry?

Oh, I hate Larry.

Oh, Larry?

And then we were like, we, we roommates, and turns out we were

roommates.

As for the first part of the question, my voice will get deeper as I give you a spell.

You can use this one to get anyone to fall in love with you for approximately five seconds.

It's a bitsy spider.

Open up your heart.

Look at me in the eye and say you are who I'm not.

I don't know what's come over me, but I need to lay down my axe and tell you that you

five seconds up oh

it's a fun spell though, you know.

Why am I kneeling?

It's it is a long story, Julie.

Sweet, merciful Rhodos, hear our prayer.

On this darkest day of the year, we ask that you bade us in your majesty and bring your cleansing lights into the world.

Let your holy fire burn this decorated tree in these delicious confections that we might live to glimpse summer's holy light and bask in magnificence anew.

This winter seems longer and colder than ever before.

Aye, I've spent many a sleepless night dreading the evils the darkness brings.

You know, just because you're grown up doesn't mean you've outgrown bedtime stories.

Uh, what I I know that.

Whether you want a story to turn you on or wind you down for better sleep, Dipsy helps you get in touch with yourself for some extra sweet dreams.

Who is Dipsy?

Some sort of carnal dream deity?

Hardly.

Dipsy is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on.

It is no sin.

Rhodos smiles upon those who practice self-care.

Of course he does.

Rodos' sex positivity knows no equal.

Plus, each dipsy story features characters that feel like real people and immersive scenarios, so you feel like you're right there.

I love immersion.

You do.

Oh, and dipsy's new sleepovers feature popular dipsy characters speaking directly to listeners to say goodnight and tuck them in.

Bedtime stories feature the classic dipsy storytelling, but less explicit, so they let your mind wander.

While soundscapes are focused on peaceful noises rather than story and character.

Like ocean waves or rain.

Rain?

But rain clouds block Rhodus's merciful glow from us.

Oh, okay, fine.

You don't have to listen to the rain one.

Thank Rhodus.

And for fellow paladins like we, Dipsy is offering a 30-day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com slash six.

That's 30 Nights of Dark.

Wintry Evil Banished.

By horny audio, relaxing bedtime stories, and wellness sessions.

And also the Glorious Rosenstein.

Yes.

That's a 30-day free trial when you go to DIPSCA Stories.com slash 6.

Prays Rodos.

GypsyStories.com slash 6!

I have another letter.

Let us continue, Thegamos, if you must.

This letter is from Potato Pete.

Before I read it, you should know this is not an anonymous letter.

This is from the Potato Pete.

He handed it to me in person.

Obviously, we're all familiar with Potato Pete.

Hail and well met, my dudes, he says.

Hail and well met.

A strange blight has befallen my southern lands.

An awful, oozing affair.

I am including a sketch on the back of this parchment to help illustrate what's going on down there.

Ooh, can I see the picture?

Absolutely.

What is this?

It appears to be a drawing of his penis.

Yeah.

There's something

wrong with this.

Anyway, does Pooket the Witch have any sort of poultice or spell that could help?

Thank you, Potato Peep.

You know what?

I'm going to give this one to Samzies.

Because the best way to get rid of a rash on your genitals is to give it a little song.

Ah, yes.

Tried and true, for many years I have sung songs to get rid of genital warts and any types of

rash.

Tis itchy down there, down there, down there, tis itchy down there, down there.

So don't itch it now, down there, down there, don't itch it now, down there.

Just put your hands on your head, do a little bit dig, and you won't have to itch your nethers.

So just sing that over and over, and I think it'll probably scab over in time.

Mostly.

That's what the sailors tell me, at least.

I mean, how was that not the first answer of your favorite song?

That's a good one.

That's.

I like that one a lot.

Really?

That's the song that I have written that you all like the most.

Yeah, you can't help but dance to it.

It's not even a song.

It's something that I jingle bells along with.

It's a jingle.

That's what they've been calling it.

It's just a jingle.

Catchy.

No, but my other songs have things like love and passion in them.

This is just a single song.

I like it, because you remember it, and I never remember any of the other ones.

No, but this is just a song about not itching your penis.

My other songs deal with more important things.

I assume, Thagamos, you must now sing this song back to Potato Beat.

Yes, I'm still writing.

Oh, boy.

There's not a lot of room on the back of this parchment with all of the genital stuff.

Sorry.

So I had to write very small.

Oh, so I don't get to keep the drawing?

I'm afraid not.

And you do not carry your own parchments, Thergamos.

Where would I have room to do that, Paladin?

It's true, that is a tiny loincloth.

This is an yes, yes, I wear but this tiny loincloth, which has room for one quill, of course.

But the bag is full of letters for you.

I'm sorry, do you want to hear another letter or what?

Yes.

Yes.

Please.

Okay.

This is for Gigli, uh, son of Groin of Clan.

What is Gigli's proudest notch in his axe?

Oh, wow.

Let's see.

This one

definitely was from slashing the spine of a f no, not that one actually came with it.

It was sort of pre-weathered.

I wanted it to look cool even before I fought with it.

This one

was

yes, distressed.

This one is definitely that

was a sharpening accident.

Oh wait, this one is ah

that's just smooth.

No, not a notch at all.

It's not a notch at all.

Thagmus, I implore you, continue on to the next one.

I have another question.

Very good.

This one is from Toruno824.

Can Samzies give us a step-by-step of their songwriting process?

Ah, well, I'm I I'm so glad you hope asked because you know no one in the fellowship asks me anything like this.

Mostly it's just, they don't really ask me much at all.

They just say kind of like, would you please stop?

That's a question?

That is true.

My process goes as follows.

I brood.

I sit with my lyre or my lute or a timbre.

And I...

Or even a jawhawk.

Or a recorder.

Or a pan flute.

Or one of those things that it's just, it's like the, It's a pole and it has a drum and if you

put your hands and kind of spin it and twisted it.

A flute?

You don't even know the name of it.

No.

Anyway, I sit with an instrument and I brood and I just write from my heart.

I, you know, write what you know and I know springtime.

I know maidens.

I know fiddly-dee-da-dee-da.

I'm usually circling that for a while.

and trying to kind of come at it from different angles and

you know

come from different angles?

Yes, well, I mean, what's an alternate?

Give me an alternate angle on fiddle-de-da.

Fiddle-de-da, fiddly-da.

It's all things like that.

And it can be.

And then sometimes it's.

And then sometimes it's fiddly-da-dee-da.

You know, it's just, it's all that kind of thing.

And it's usually in the drafting process.

I'll go through.

Give me this part.

This is surely this is Samesy's handwriting.

Look how flowery it is.

He has underlined the name Samesies.

For what purpose?

Here is a question for Duane the Orc Johnson.

Oh, that's me.

Strong start.

This one is from Lemons Today.

Yes, we are familiar with Lemons Today.

Well, speak not the too soon, for, again, this is an anonymous service.

This could be anyone who has chosen...

Do you suggest that two separate individuals have chosen the pen name Lemons today?

I I

know not.

It is not my place to guess.

You know, whether it was the sa maybe it's a very common, maybe it's a pop culture reference none of us understand.

Dear Dwayne

fell asleep again.

Okay, why

dear Dwayne,

what is the best part of being an orc?

Hmm.

That's a good question.

I think

from experience,

uh, the cheek.

Uh, last time I ate an orc, the best part was definitely the cheek.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Being an orc, not eating.

Do you eat orcs?

I mean, Dwayne the Orc, Johnson.

Surely you would not eat another orc.

Well, not because I wanted to, but you know, when your clan fights another group of orcs, and then uh

you don't just defeat them, you have to eat them.

Oof, sweet rotus.

It seems it's actually like pretty um

f f firmmental.

Is it?

You clean up, you sort of clean up after yourself.

Yeah, we're not wasting anything.

We uh we eat our enemies.

I shall not be party this.

I will retreat to the apse of the church.

Glorified Rotors by myself.

I know what that means.

He's gonna go touch his personal sketch.

No, no, I'm not.

Why?

You are, you are.

I'm glorifying Rotors through prayer.

I'm telling them about waking!

He's talking about waking, he is.

Ah, I've written many a ballad to this they art of self-love.

Samses, you got a song about wikin, Oh, yeah.

Well, it's actually very similar to the non-jingle about wanking.

It's similar, yes.

We sing a wanking jingle!

No,

no, just

ring the bell!

Ring the bell!

Ring the bell!

Dingle!

Ring the bell!

I know you want to pull it now, but don't it won't be done.

That's against that's an anti-wanking song.

What?

Yes, it's an anti-wanking jingle.

I have to make money somehow, and sometimes it's with township they ask me to write jingles to stop the wanking problem.

Townspeople, townspeople, open your shutters and hear me.

I, humble messenger Parthagos, bear answers to questions.

Perhaps...

Your question.

Okay, this first one goes out to uh healthy goblin242.

Healthy Goblin242 asks, how can I possibly receive and eat high-quality meals without leaving my cavern?

The answer is Green Chef.

Green Chef is the first USDA-certified organic meal kit company and the number one meal kit for eating well.

Because Green Chef makes eating well easy and affordable with plans to fit every lifestyle or guild affiliation.

Ingredients come pre-measured, perfectly portioned, and mostly prepped, so you can spend less time stressing and more time enjoying delicious, cavern-cooked meals.

And hear this, Healthy Goblin 242, whether you're keto, paleo, vegan, vegetarian, chaotic good, or just looking to eat healthier, there's a range of recipes to suit any diet or preference.

And Green Chef is now owned by HelloFresh, another wonderful meal kit company, which means a wider array of meal plans to choose from.

Now, I don't like to editorialize here much, but on a personal note, I, Parthagos the Messenger, I have nary a free moment to scour the market or rummage through boxes of recipe scrolls.

That's why I use Green Chef.

In fact, this very eve, once I am done delivering answers, I shall dine on one of my favorites: honey citrus glazed tilapia.

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Another scroll awaits you if you choose.

Well, yes, of course.

This one is from Penelli.

It's for Zhigli.

I

tell us a tale of your father's great deeds.

Oh, a tale of Groin the Great?

I'd be more than happy to let me unbuckle my mail and settle in.

This is a long one.

When Groin, father of Zhigli, of Clan Bennefer, was but a lad himself, only 61 years old.

He led a charge over the seventh eeth into the netherworld of the giant rabbit itself.

And following him was 95 members of Clan Bennefer.

When he crested the seventh heath, what did Groin see?

His own reflection in a vertical pool of water was a horizontal lake.

Was Groin afraid?

No fall is the Groin the

Groin the Great and his friend wrote a screenplay

wrote wrote a play about

wrote a play

about

about a man who was a humble toiler, but a genius

who had sort of an elder and you might remember the climax where the subject says, it's not my fault.

It's not my fault.

It's not my fault.

Yes, I remember the climax of that play in which the dwarf suggests that it's not his ancestral vault and he says it's not my fault.

It's not my fault.

It's not your fault.

It's not my fault.

It's not your fault.

It's not my fault.

I know it's not my fault.

I know it's not my fault.

But do you really know it's not your fault?

It's not my fault.

Anyway, Groin recited the seminal lines of that play,

vaulted

into the vertical water, and then it disappeared, revealing a spire of gold.

That gold was brought back to the clan, driven into the ground, and as time went on, it pushed up

the block on which I was born.

That is how I am

still

from the block.

Hurrah!

End it!

Yes, the

ceremony to Rhodos has long since been finished.

Oh, did you have a good birthday?

Again, Dwayne the York Johnson, it is not my birthday.

No,

Day of Rhodos.

Oh, that was gonna be my next ceremony.

No, it is not his birthday either.

It is the anniversary.

No, no, what?

It's Tagamos.

It is your anniversary.

It is my birthday.

Oh, it's your birthday.

Yes,

since you asked.

Yes, it is my birthday.

Nobody did ask, but I don't take my birthday off.

I don't take it off.

I could.

I have the leave.

I have the leave, but I don't take it.

I do have one more question.

Yes, oh well.

This question is from Tell Me Tomorrow.

But I pray thee, tell me today.

For I am leaving at the end of this ball thing.

That's the name or your

predatorializing.

No, no, no.

Tell me tomorrow is the name.

Who hast thine largest bicepticus?

Oh, that's a good one, that is.

Well, the answer to that is clear.

It is I, Quario, paladin of Rhodos the Sunlighter.

My faith in the world.

And performing holy works has made my bicepticus extremely powerful.

Night, night.

If I say the right spell as a witch, I could get bicepticus as you've never seen in your dialogue.

Let us see this

engorged bicepticus of yours.

Book it.

I've often found that the bicepticus can also be found in the

heart.

No,

but in that way, my bibisepticus is very strong.

I yes, I guess so.

Petra's an expert.

She teaches a class at bassage.

You're a physical therapist?

Sports medicine?

Sports medicine?

And right!

Get in bicepicus, sir, massage!

Well, surely, Petra, you are the most qualified to determine who has the largest bicepticus.

I think when figuring we should account for height to bicepticus ratio, because I, Gigli, if I were expanded to the height of business,

he is really short, but we don't have to.

You know, obviously, if you take into account all of the

radios and stuff, then obviously.

And his heart is quite big.

That doesn't have have anything to do with anything.

Safe is true.

Although, the orc.

Oh, the orc definitely has really big.

Oh, yeah, the orc can't be.

I made a very honest.

I didn't want to save myself.

Oh, man, she's flexing that thing.

Wow, I mean, the orc is biceps.

Yeah, it's definitely me.

I didn't, you know, I wanted to be nice.

I wanted to go around and point out everybody else's great attributes, but.

Oh, you're making them dance.

Oh, boy.

Going up and down, they is.

Just don't, please don't ask me which which way to the forest, okay?

Speaking of which which way to the forest?

That is my next township.

Because it's uh that away.

As we certainly have been given two tickets to the jousting tournament here.

Is that a joke, Quario?

Figures of speech are within the domain of Rhodos the Sunlight.

Oh, look!

Everyone look!

The sun!

It's rising!

Even earlier than the day before, Rhodos' power only grows.

Our right has been a success.

Thank you, my friends.

I hate to

uh interrupt your

ritual.

Before I go, I do have one more question for you, Quariel.

This is my question.

Very well.

From Thagamos.

As I am aware.

So starting tomorrow, the days shall get longer.

Yes, exactly.

But round middle of Kranth,

yes, they start getting shorter again.

Indeed, that sort of happens every year.

Well, it is a dark time.

If he is as powerful as you say, wouldn't the days just continue to get, you know, increasingly long?

Friend, you walk a dangerous path, right?

Well, I'm just saying it.

It seems like better than that.

Listen to me, Theramos.

There is no one more powerful in this world, this universe,

than Rodos the Sunlighter.

If you were to suggest, suggest,

I saw someone fall

off the surface.

Evil in my sight,

it's too hard.

It could have hurt a little boss.

Maybe I'll try this gray cake.

Hi, I'm Joe Firestone.

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Oh, that's a pun on Gorilla Pit?

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Hello there, ghouls and gals.

It is I, April Wolf.

I'm here to take you through the twisty, scary, heart-pounding world of genre cinema on the exhilarating program known as Switchblade Sisters.

The concept is simple.

I invite a female filmmaker on each week and we discuss their favorite genre film.

Listen in closely to hear past guests like the Babaduk director Jennifer Kent, Winter's Bone director Deborah Granick, and so many others every Thursday on maximumfun.org.

Tune in if you dare.

It's actually a very thought-provoking show that deeply explores the craft and philosophy behind the filmmaking process while also examining film through the lens of the female gaze.

So, Mike, you should listen.

Switchblade Sisters.

MaximumFun.org.

Comedy and culture.

Artist-owned, audience-supported.

I do have one more question.

Oh, well.

A rot.

This question is for

all of us.

This question is for all of you.

Oh, wonderful.

Very good, very good.

Is it about process?

You do have it, or are you taking a little birthday break?

I just took a little very slow drag off the Sigarillio.

I love it.

This is my union break.

Oh, yes.