419: The Story of Beano

The final phase nears.

The last ingredient is about to be set right here.

He doesn't know what to steal him.

Final phase?

Last ingredient?

Oh my rod.

It's the device.

And now we wait.

Now, Bino, we're just waiting patiently for the final phase.

We don't want to hear the story of Beano.

Be no?

No.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, my bean.

You're making the whole shebang unstable.

Okay, okay, okay.

Beano, all right, I'll tell you the story of Bino.

400 years ago, you were put in a box and sent to live with a man named Chad.

Bino wanna hear an older story.

That, I mean, there are so many stories.

Be not wanna hear an ancient tale of adventure of Bino.

Okay,

fine.

Elegance.

Totally.

Beano loves elegance and drama.

Of course.

And Beta was blood.

Oh, there's some blood, my dude.

Okay.

So this was what?

20,000 years ago

when the connection.

Beeta want production value.

Fine.

Fine.

Ew, Bita loves the theater.

It is a period of sorcery and heroism, many thousands of years before Tellurians explored the stars.

On a planet half a galaxy away, a paladin and a ranger rush across a charred moor, pursued by a marauding horde.

Entrusted in their care is a relic of almost unimaginable power.

Now, our heroes must form a sacred alliance, safeguard their precious artifact, and slay weird demons and stuff.

This is

the story of Beeno.

And there's another one.

Quariel, protect me!

I'm doing my best, Corp.

Through the light of Rhodos, shall we see it through?

Quariel, my most trusted friend, if for some reason I don't survive, then you must not let the relic fall into the wrong hands.

Corp, hear me down.

Destroyed as my belief in Rhodos the Sunlighter.

I share not let you perish.

Ah!

An arrow!

Two arrows!

I got a second barrage!

Why?

Ow!

Oh!

Look at these!

They're too small to be arrows!

Dots!

What is the purpose of these?

Oh, come on!

Had you not done enough, you monsters!

Quariel!

Quariel!

I have failed!

No, never.

Quariel,

this

burden...

You must take it.

No.

Come, I cannot.

Come here, the chosen one.

Destined to pay the legume.

Not anymore.

I was chosen to take it this far.

And now you must.

We were having a conversation!

My look!

Guario.

Hear me.

Telecoom must be returned.

Yes, but take it where?

All right, all right.

If Bino was starting in Medio Rest.

Yeah, I'm sure you do, Bino.

What happens next?

What happens next?

We turn now to a quiet temple in the countryside.

In the merry time of this market on, the ladies dance to and fro.

They go about the fair lookout as the wind will blow.

Oh, I've got you all so bite the juice.

But I've got, you know, I've got

the merry wives of this market time.

I love the juice.

Alright, there you go.

A very big girl.

Does anyone want to hear the ballad of Hayfair Market?

T'was a market day in Hayfair Square, there was a blowing wind.

Sorry, you don't just sing the same song every time?

What?

It's just that they all sound the same.

Gee, we back me up here.

Yes, Samesies.

You've got more than one song.

My name may be Samesies the Bard, but my tunes are very different.

With a hey, none at home and a hey, naughty, no, and a triddle-dee-daddy-day.

A duel and same one.

No, I'm singing different songs.

I pass down folklore and oral history.

Alright, enough of this tittle-taling.

It's time for us to give an update about what we've done this week to prevent ourselves from drinking the vice that is known as the mead.

Illustrious Rhodos, eternal light of the darkness, I come before you to confess my sins.

I was foolish and broke a promise I should have kept.

Absolve me of my sins and know that I accept your retribution so I may bask in your glory anew.

Know that your last vision shall be your own reflection in Zigli's eye.

Go on, sir.

So sorry, I thought the basement of this church would be empty.

Alright, it's okay.

There's a free seat right over there.

Say your name and tell us how many days it's been since you've last ended me.

It's me Nanon.

We meet here every every fortnight and kind of tell our tales and occasionally

a tune quite often a trollo, a trollo, how ribbons blow in the wind.

Wow, you crushed his weird guitar in your hand.

Sir, sir, allow us to introduce ourselves.

My name, of course, is Samses the Bard, and this is Zigli the dwarf.

I'm Zigli of Clan Benifer.

And this, of course, is...

Go on, you have to kind of nip it in the butt.

And then, of course, we have Dwayne the Orc Johnson.

I'm an orc.

Yes, no, I was able to see that.

She's gigantic.

And rounding out our merry band is Bhuket.

Yes, right.

You might have heard of me.

I used to be the preacher of Diesel Age, but I refused to get married to that prince.

So instead I became a witch.

We are a merry band of misfits, and because of that stand around and listen to this filth.

I'm a paladin of Rhodos the Sunlighter, he who ignited the very orb in the sky.

That raven was looking right at Gigi of Glen Benefit.

But I was right behind you, and why

he was looking at a former princess now, witch.

That stories are really the lifeblood of civilization.

I do think that maybe it was looking at me.

Where did you get a second loot from?

Yeah, I always carry spare.

You're all being ridiculous.

It was obviously looking at I, Coriel Paldin of Rhodos the Sunlighter.

As with the previous chosen one when he died, so I think it just went straight into me.

The fellowship must take the Lagoon

to the

tell us more, Raven.

You speak of riddles.

I was pretty clear.

Are we shattered to be kept guts on me?

The bird did that on its own.

I was a second bird.

A second bird.

What luck?

I'm a different bird, and I'm telling you, you, the chosen one, and their protectors, are the fellowship of the lagoon, and must deliver the relic to Mount Dew!

Hagor!

I was given this mission by Korm the Blessed, and thanks to that raven, we now know the Ligue must be thrown into the lake below Mount Dew.

It is a treacherous journey.

Where is this Korm?

He sounds amazing.

I hope he lived.

He was slain in front of me by a legion of minions set by an evil wizard.

Drat.

Yes, Drat, indeed.

Oh, gracious Father, my keeper and guardian, I have strayed from your the noble path I was drunk and bring light to my darkened soul.

I await yourself.

Wait, wait, can someone tell me what a legume is?

It's a like a

little snake.

Like a little squeaky

small, it's a

smallish, but it feels nice to see the legume.

Oh.

This.

This is the legume.

The most holy relic that has ever existed.

Ew, is that Bean?

Yes, Bino.

Obviously.

Great.

Yeah, uh, okay, where was I?

This is the liquid.

The most holy relic that has ever existed.

It looks warm.

It is warm.

Touch it.

I shouldn't touch it because I made the bird explore.

Yes, no, you will not touch it, the witch may touch it.

Thank you.

As the chosen one, I feel it is our responsibility

to take this liquid.

I'm pretty sure we all agreed that I am the chosen one.

Now, I don't know.

It's still up in the air.

Illustrious Master, I beg your protection for this fellowship.

For now, we are

the Fellowship of Legoom!

A brave band of travelers, a fellowship of Legoom.

Oh, there's not a ton that rhymes with Legoom.

Does anyone seriously?

No, that's serious.

Ah, great children.

Okay, too many cooks right now.

Too many cooks.

A little too many cooks in the kitchen.

Too many.

No, I can do it.

I just...

Baby boo.

It's hard to make it up on the spot, is what I'm trying to say.

Gigli, son of Groin.

It is comforting to know I will have another brother of battle at my side.

Ah, Coriel, you've seen the Nazis in my axe.

Indeed, I have.

Does each one represent a foe you have vanquished?

Almost all of them.

This one, I just dropped it.

I shower with it, of course, and it gets free.

But otherwise, yes, let's call the foes.

Excellent.

Oh, actually, this one, when I was having it repaired, normal guy wasn't available and they just messed it up.

Yeah.

This one's sort of an unusual-shaped notch.

Oh, that's uh is that a bottle open?

Ah, from my days of mead.

Yes, no.

No more.

Julie, son of Groinotton.

be pedantic about this, but how many of these are actually foes you have slain?

Well, it's getting late, so it's midday.

Anyway,

good talk.

Be well, Gigli, son of Croin.

Witch.

I have news of you.

What?

We've been riding for many days.

My

inathizer shaped.

I got a spell for that.

Yes, this is what I was hoping for.

I have prayed to Rodos the Sunlighter, but he has granted me no relief.

Zerta Killer!

I'm not sure that spell did what I had asked for.

I was a fool to trust a witch.

Same days.

Ah, greeting, Quariol.

Yes, it's fine to see you.

And you, my friend, and you.

Yes, I see you have fixed your tambourine.

Yes, yes, it is fixed.

Fantastic.

It keeps breaking in the night while I sleep, but I keep putting it back together.

That's very annoying.

When in the sun the meadow shines, and in the meadow the sun shines.

Both are shining at the same time, and that is why it's summertime.

Redundant.

And nothing

Wait, wait, wait,

yes, finish it for me later, save us.

But I have a whole other verse about maidens,

fair maidens.

Makes no difference.

Dwayne.

Hi, squirrel.

Quario.

Okay.

Dwayne, I admire your strength.

The way you are able to pull this entire wagon of provisions.

Oh, it's nothing.

What looks to be hundreds of instruments.

Those are mine.

Be careful about the harps, please, please.

Multiple harps.

Different ranges, different

scales.

Dwayne,

Rodos the Sunlighter has granted you a great gift of strength.

Remind me who that is again.

I would only be happy to.

Rhodos the Sunlighter is the one who lit the very sun itself.

That celestial orb above us would be dark, black as the bottom of the sea, were it not for Rhodos the Sunlighter.

So, have I met him before?

Or if you were to meet Roders the Sunlighter, you would be obliterated instead.

Someone help!

Someone help me!

Quint, cease your jogging.

Okay.

You must help me.

Oh.

Rodus the Sunlighter has seen it fit to send this man our way.

We must help him.

A band of marauders came to my farm and raised it to the ground.

My wife.

Oh, my child.

Oh.

My livestock.

All of my crops burned.

That's awful.

Did the farm have a name?

Hmm?

Of course.

Don't get telling me.

Don't make it the rhyme at one point.

Wretched man.

I ask you to allow Rotors to sun.

I can give you a spell out to fix it real fast.

You want your wife and child back?

Oh, is that a possibility?

Yeah, I can do that.

Thank you.

Yeah, I'm not saying it's gonna be nice, but it could happen.

How burned were they?

Like, really burned, or are you writing

this right now?

I mean, Bookett's I've

got

these are just for me and for everyone.

Book it, when she does do these resurrection spells, it is grisly.

Please, which I need not your curses.

No, indeed, you do not.

All I need

is a single seed with which to restart my crops.

Maybe, perhaps, then I could begin to rebuild.

If you have with you a seed, a grain of any kind...

Oh, Beana and a seed?

Give it Bina.

Do you want me to stop reading?

No.

A seed, a grain of any kind?

Oh, yes.

No, we have this legume in his little pocket right there.

Beana told you.

Oh, wonderful.

Dwayne, could you bear to part with it?

Want us to throw aside a holy task, Duane.

The legume must stay with us.

We must bear its burden.

Well, then you you shall die.

What are we calling this?

Is this, what is this, a demon or something?

I just believe it's an agent of Warangus the Wizard.

That foul creature.

You may tell your master that there shall be no Lecumb for him today.

Tend back, Panadem, and the Legume shall be mine.

You got illegal sort of a situation between themselves.

You have found it.

Too late.

I have rebuilt my fellowship.

Ziggler, wait, I'm confused because they were a farmer who needed a seed, and now they're a big, scary demon.

Will no one help me in this battle?

Moriel, I shall lend you my axe as soon as I've explained this simple idea to Dwayne.

Very well.

I shall strike at you with a ring.

Dwayne, ah, this death wraith sent by Rangus, the wizard, was pretending to be a wretched farm man who so there is no dead wife and kid?

Right.

Why would someone say that?

That's really sad.

Only through the grace of Rodos the Sunlighter am I able to withstand these braves.

Book it, tell me you have a plan.

Um, I do have a love spell.

I can make they all fall in love with the wrong.

That seems overly complicated.

I mean, I know I can switch their clothing.

It's a mystery who's who.

Tell me how that would help things.

Not good.

Everybody knows who's who.

Yeah, one's a giant wraith in kind of tattered robes, you know.

Oh, I know.

I know.

It's called the Eczema.

In which I'll give the villain a rash.

Oh, Bucket.

My sword.

Curse you, Rangus.

I swear I would not fall before you, but here I kneel.

Rodos, I have failed you.

Rhodos is dead.

Only Rangus lives.

Okay.

Since you approach Arc!

Yes.

You shouldn't have lied.

If I've learned anything, lying is bad.

And you lied.

It wasn't even.

Merciful Rhodos.

What a blow.

He disappeared into smoke and ash.

I didn't get to give him a rash.

Oh, that rhymes.

He disappeared in smoke and ash, forget was unable to give a rash.

Dwayne the orc, Johnson.

You struck a powerful blow in the name of Rodos the Sun after pay.

I just meant to tell him that he was misbehaving.

I really have to get a handle on how tight I hold stuff.

Clearly, the wizard wanted that to go.

That's right.

I is.

Well, it's a a good thing that the chosen one was here.

Yes, he did.

The chosen one right here.

The chosen one was here.

Right.

Or me?

What?

Guess my roommate, Petra.

I had wondered who this was in the caravan.

Hello, Petra.

Just tag it along.

Could've been me.

No, you don't.

No, it's you.

You're the only one who's not the chosen one.

They weren't in the room when it happened.

These other four at least have a claim.

They're wrong.

It is I, Coriolpell, that infrared is the sonite who is the chosen one.

But they were.

I fell off the wagon.

That's not my problem.

Quaffin to me, I was.

Well, then also, you literally fell off the wagon to the church.

Indeed!

So it seems that Quariel has formed a new fellowship.

But no matter.

matter, I, Rangus the Wizard, shall have the legume soon enough.

Soon enough.

So, like, are you just gonna

stare into that box?

Yes, so I'm

listening.

I am I am so sorry.

I just have to, real quick.

This is a workday for me, so I have to just real quick check in on the seeing staff.

It's just that we were like right in the middle of that.

I get it.

Listen, I'm the one who owes you an apology right now.

And I feel like we should be strategic about what we order so that we don't get the same entree.

We should get.

Yes, good.

Great.

You're not even listening.

You're just staring in the bar.

I just.

I don't know.

Yes.

Okay.

I don't know how else to explain to you.

When you look into the crystalline ball at the top of my staff that's being clutched by the carving of a flaglin's claw, what do you see?

Nothing, right?

Nothing.

Now, when I look into it, I see, yes, every minion that I have across the planet, and what they're doing, what sort of evil they're up to, what they're disguised as.

Because when I get really close, all I can see is like my pores.

Well, non-magic users can't really see much in the seeing globe, so

that's sort of the difference between us in a lot of ways.

What do we have in common, though?

Like, what is our common ground?

Oh, boy.

Are we doing this already?

Listen.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I got this date off on the wrong foot.

Okay, I'm gonna put my staff away and you and I can have a nice time.

Okay?

Okay.

So, like, what are you up to these days?

So, no, so I started making my own jewelry, which, you know, is something that I wasn't sure that I actually really wanted to do, but I wasn't sure.

It's great.

You've got a knack.

You've got a power image.

Yes.

Oh, thank you.

That's so sweet.

I love that you're wearing the bracelet that I made, Dio.

I wear it every day.

I love it.

And I think you should keep making those.

Because, like, I.

Ah, fuck me.

Oh.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

I just got a notification.

Uh one of my wraiths just got vaporized and I

I I I'm sorry.

That's my bad.

Well go ahead.

No, no, no.

Do you need to take this?

It's just that finally the legume is on the move and it's it's getting closer to Mount Dew all the time.

Let me just reassign a couple of these wraiths and then I am all yours for the evening.

You said you were self-employed, so I just don't understand why you're not

bringing yourself

off.

Yes, totally.

But see, that's that's the rub, though, right?

Because I'm my own boss, but also I give myself the hardest time.

And so, if I don't get the legume, how am I supposed to bring the nine kingdoms under my rule?

You know?

Just one second.

Sure, if it's only gonna be a second.

So, So, have you made up our minds yet on appetizers or

one second, please?

Okay.

For the tale of Bolly the barroom cat is one that might

be

like, this one I like.

With a T and a hoe and a non-tay-hoe, Bollywood dead to the night.

And a fee and a pie and a mini-nye.

Fie and a folly went on today.

Hide a hoe to hiddly hoe, Bolly the bar cat played.

A dee-doo-doo and a- Cease your singing cats.

Don't you ever give it a rest.

Haha, musical joke.

Very good.

I hate that you interpreted that as a pun.

What well then?

If no one wants to hear a song, what do you want to do?

I mean, I don't

mind

learning more about the legume.

Oh.

Well, if you wish to know of the legume, I I shall tell you.

Legum is a magical artifact,

nearly as old as Rodos the Sunlighter himself.

Who's that again?

No, he's not my dad.

Is he like 60 years old?

65?

So much older.

It's like tens of thousands of years old.

As old as a fair maiden.

No, that's like

18, 19 years.

And the fairest maiden was also old.

22 years old.

Listen, allow me to open the vessel.

Put your hand upon the legium and feel the heat granted to it by Rhodos the Sunlighter.

Tis, tis warm.

Yes, far warmer than a Lukium should be.

Tis a big hot bean.

Yes, an accurate assessment, Julie, son of Grine.

Now, let me bring you some water to the Never again.

Can I use it in one of my spells?

No, you may not.

Alright, just wanted to ask.

It's a fair question.

Which, if it is not cast into the lake below Mount Dew before it falls into the hands of Harangus the Wizard,

then all we hold dear will be gone.

My father, the king, told me if I didn't marry the prince, it would destroy the kingdom.

Hey, look, everything is fine, right?

It's not great,

it's not great.

And I regret it every day.

But it honestly wasn't that bad of a lad either.

Yeah, Bukit, why didn't you want to marry this

We did a lot of the same music.

Well, that can be a problem.

Absolutely.

What was who are his bards?

You know,

Davis of Matthew.

Hello, the Creeds.

Ah, the Creeds.

Fantastic.

I knew a few of those.

This bards.

What happens when we cast the Legum into Mount Doom?

Oh, yes, avoiding the destruction of our world.

Yes,

I mean, shall it be the chosen one that casts it in?

Well, of course, the chosen one will cast it into Mount Doom.

Well, I must prepare myself.

What if I don't want to?

I've got a few stretches, then, in it.

Look, some say within the legume resides a creature of incredible power.

But, like, what kind of creature with

that walks with arms and legs?

A bean with nipples.

You speak sacrilege.

know my turn of need.

Let's everyone give him a second.

Yeah, let's just

let it go through.

Sharpen my axe.

So should we just let him go?

He's getting a little bit more paranoid each time.

But can you believe that one of us, one of us, we could save the world.

The entire planet.

Hey, Bookett.

What would you do if you saved the world?

What would be the next thing you did?

Well, that's a good question.

I guess I would uh

I would do the ultimate spell.

Yeah, what got princess again?

No.

Oh,

because you talk about doing that a lot.

Yes, yeah.

I just, you know, you got to know where I came from to know where I am, you know, and the copyright

character.

Yeah.

I guess I will finally get rid of all the boils.

Right.

We're saying,

what about you?

Oh.

Well,

I don't know what would I

just sing the song.

Okay.

Travelers, brave and true, one for me and one what?

What?

Oh, wait, but I was just getting it.

Okay, all right.

Which one of you?

Not I.

Do you think maybe you dropped it somewhere in the grass?

Okay, well I was here.

I was sort of just doing a big circle.

I- Oh, is this it?

Is it?

Does this look like it?

That's a rock.

Let me ask my roommate.

You seen it?

What?

Deleguum.

Know that thing I told you looks like Larry?

You gotta wear Larry?

No,

Larry.

I don't think so.

What's that?

Is that a

goat on fire?

Yet another agent of Rangus the Wizard.

That goat has stolen the cumbersome

smart goat.

Well, then it's not just a regular goat.

When are we gonna take a break?

What?

Beta wanna go to the lobby and have himself a snack.

Okay, fine.

We don't need to go to the little beans room.

Okay, yeah, well, what am I supposed to do in the meantime?

Ew, should we play an ad?

What?

Why?

We don't love

Okay.

Okay, we'll do an ad.

Fine.

This is Captain Phoenix Peterson with a mission report.

Whew, what a day of captaining.

I'm not sure which count was higher.

The number of sentients we saved are the number of foes dispatched.

Anyhow, the day is done, and now I will settle into my favorite pastime that really lets me take off my captain's hat, lay down my horn, and chill right out.

Playing Star Trek Online, a free-to-play online game on PC, Xbox One, and PlayStation 4.

You create your own captain, customize and fly unique ships, and experience an epic story alongside iconic characters from across the Star Trek TV universe.

While I'm in the game, I completely forget the stress of captaining my ship.

In the game, I'm Captain Phoenix Fry.

And get this: Star Trek Online is offering you a chance to win the Federation Elite starter pack, including a starship, item slots, equipment, uniform, and more to help you put your best foot forward into the final frontier.

From now until September 24th, you can enter this giveaway by heading to star trekonline.com/slash mission.

The giveaway is only open to new players, and only Star Fleet characters can redeem the pack.

Oh, look!

Some of my fellow captains are coming online right now.

Ahoy, Captain Tealbeard reporting to the bridge.

Or should I say, Captain Blue Greenbeard, in this dazzling interweb game, says I.

Captain Stoffingson here,

now Captain Diane Windax.

Oh, hello.

And it is I, Cerebulon, nemesis of all captains, but now a fictional captain myself.

Captain, nice guy.

You invited Cerebulon and not Jerkins?

Jerkins is too good.

Well, we hope to see you in game, Captains.

That's Star Trekonline.com/slash mission for the special giveaway.

Star TrekOnline.com/slash mission.

Live a lengthy and prosperous life, they say.

okay, now where were we?

Okay

is the burrito here yet?

I ate it.

Oh, that's it.

It's been gone for like 20 minutes.

Sure.

Yes, I am sorry, but listen, it was worth it, okay?

I got a worm to steal the legume, pass it off to a roach, who then crawled it over to a bat, and the bat flew it over to a goat, which caught on fire and ran straight back to the castle.

And I've got it, baby.

I've crooked and got the legume.

It's mine!

Well, I guess I'm happy for you.

So, like, I was thinking maybe we could go back to my place tonight.

Listen, I would love that.

But.

But?

Can we just real quick stop by my inner sanctum back at the castle?

So you can do more work?

It's not work.

It's a ritual, which is, I mean, if you love the rituals that you do, you never work a day in your life, they say.

So if we just swing by the sanctum real quick, I'm just going to bang out this quick ritual, and then we are golden.

Excuse me?

I'll say what?

Bang out in your sanctum?

Ooh, banging out the ritual, and then we'll head back to your place.

I'm just not that type of wench.

No, the ritual has nothing to do with you.

Sure, I

may have been that type of wench before, but I

changed.

And now in this year of my new life, no.

So sorry to interrupt, but your credit scroll has been declined.

How dare you?

so sorry.

I am Rangus the Wise, High Wizard of the Fourth Kingdom, and anointed sorcerer of the Gilded Tower of the Elven Council.

I sit at the right hand of the king himself in Castlebraid.

I guess this means I'm also paying for dinner.

It's.

Yeah, yes.

Listen, I will make it up to you, I promise.

Just not right now.

Mm-hmm.

I'll have what she's having.

Are we nearly there?

Indeed, Saxis.

We shall be able to spy Castle Graid as soon as we crest this ridge.

If I stand on something.

Thank you, Blaine.

Next time you have to put me on your shoulders.

Absolutely not, Blaine.

It will not end well.

There's been a lot of banter on our journey, but what will we do when when we actually reach Castle Grave?

I Zigli of Clan Bennifer, son of Groin, shall hoist my axe up and clap into the lock holding Supplementa Castle Grave.

And I, Pocket the Witch, will use me ancient spells.

Cause Petra and I are gonna check out the scene, see if there are any singles.

Singles?

Gwario, Paladin of Rhodos the Sunlighter, shall cast the Legume into the boiling liquid of Mount Dew,

destroying it forever.

I'll probably look for the bathroom because I've had to go for quite a while now.

So, did that answer your question?

I guess it did, yes.

A band of merry warriors climbing to their fate.

They want to smack a wizard clean across his pate.

But when they find

the ridge,

the castle brave lies below.

I might just sing.

Don't don't.

Oh, okay.

Just don't.

Don't do it.

Can I just play?

Can I just play dramatically?

We don't want any scoring under this at all.

No scoring.

If you must.

Okay.

It'll just it's it's has this ominous

where is the castle?

Oh no.

Look upwards of the horizon.

Sky.

What is that?

Smoking ball of ruin.

Tis like a nothingness burns.

Understood.

I had never seen Castle Braid, so you know, to me, this could have been Castle Braid.

Yeah, but plane came.

Wait, the old junk didn't know what a castle braided.

Maybe, you know, this big, round, fiery, scary thing is like a modern take on a castle.

I think even in the most ambitious designers' plans, this would not qualify as a castle.

Looks like a donkey's grundle, but huge.

You know what I mean?

Like the nasty part of a donkey.

It's like if the play got dysentery, and then the dysentery got a bit more of the play.

Yes, sir.

Just the likeness.

Have you ever milked a cow, but the the teeth is infected?

It's like a bread roll that's been burned and still on fire.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no.

It's like a bad dream, but bigger.

Right, yeah, yeah.

Yes, okay, that's good.

I'm on board.

So I feel like we've gotten what it is, right?

My brave friends, shall we advance?

Yes, you are right, Sames.

We must move forward and find the hated wizard Ringus.

Holy Rhodos, guide us with your divine light.

Take us through.

We must find it.

Do we have to illustrious god of eternal souls out loud?

Always.

Yeah.

Watch over me, Swanish and my archers.

Absolve me with your glorious grace.

What's the bat?

That voice kind of adorable, isn't it?

I love it.

This voice speaks, but there is no body.

What sorcery is this?

The little dreams can even more powerful.

Side note, does it have nipples, or why would that be even stuck out in my

first hundred questions?

Show yourself, wizard.

Should we give a redo or is that what?

Yeah, is that the name he chose?

Are you sure you wanna go with that?

Well, but is it like a prophecy name where you didn't have a choice in the matter, or you picked Rangus Dangus?

I picked it right.

And Rangus picked it up.

Wait, what's a dangus?

A mighty weapon.

A Dangus?

I don't know.

I've never heard of such a weapon.

Sounds like you've just made it up because it rhymes with your name.

And hey, I've been there.

I've been there.

I've just been Samesy's.

Wayne's?

You know, I've been there, but...

You know, it's not.

This is.

Yeah, no, Samzy's has a point.

It's a real first draft sort of name.

Well, heroes, shall we do battle now?

I mean, what should we do?

Your puny weapons are no match for the danger.

We should not be fooled by the axe that you got.

You're still Shigli.

I'm still Shigli from the block.

Do you think there's still a bathroom?

No, Dwayne, there won't be a bathroom now.

No, there won't be one.

Your hopeful fellowship can do nothing to stop me.

My compatriots, I know fate has cast us as unusual partners against evil,

but our meeting was defined by Rhodos himself.

So I ask Cunel, lend me your strength, and we shall save the relic from the hated Orangus.

Oh, Dwayne, don't piss right here.

Don't look, don't look at me right now.

Oh, Dwayne, you're going right here.

Oh, Dwayne.

No, I get stage right.

I get stage right shit.

There is no time for this.

Oh,

I will lead a charge.

Follow me if you seek glory.

Oh, Lord Rhodos,

I have even better my donkey.

He's just going.

He's not even waiting for any of us.

I could have been a good one.

I guess we go now.

I guess we follow him.

Yeah, let's just go.

The final phase is.

The last ingredient is about to be sent right to us.

Did he just say that

we all heard it?

Last ingredient is coming right to him.

We don't know what we're doing.

And so do you.

So perfect.

Well, we should not want the same thing as this evil ball, right?

We do want the same thing.

Well, to battle each other,

figure out who's level.

No, you

should have wanted to finish the ritual already and perhaps not need a battle, but you invited us in.

You sort of implied that you were finishing the ritual, and if we were to come in, we'd mess it up.

But then you just said you were getting what you want.

Right.

Wait, yeah, we shouldn't go in.

He wants us to go in.

Don't over thinking, just kill him.

Yeah, see that?

That sounds very suspicious.

Why don't we all just

back up?

No, no.

That's

I don't like anything about it.

Well, yeah, but your process.

Resplendent rotor's light of all lives.

I thank you for giving us the sight to see the tricks of this evil wizard.

We heard it.

It wasn't a scene thing.

Guys, don't worry.

I'm not keeping.

I'm not putting Rotorf in the song.

Don't worry about it.

No, come back.

And if you come in, that's what I don't want.

Come back.

No, no.

Nope.

You're making a mistake?

You're making a mistake.

This is the part.

This is what you really don't want to do, Miss.

Ignore me.

Boy, oh boy.

Now it's very uncomfortable.

Yes, it's bad.

Nice feeding you.

Mind the meeting.

I mean, can you believe that that

monstrosity thought one of us would be stupid enough to go in it?

I mean, I've been called many things, including a princess, but not stupid.

Oh, I've been called stupid a lot.

Right.

But I'm not that stupid.

Who would actually listen to a giant flaming ball?

Who would blast themselves right in there?

Yeah, just go in.

I mean, you saw me.

I was really moving.

I was ready to go in there.

But you stopped.

The point is.

As soon as he said that thing, I was like, whoa.

Yeah.

Well.

We will sing songs for ages about this almost thing that happened.

Beware the rangus, dangus, beware Teevil Pull.

Don't go to a giant hole that's on the I'll figure something out.

Started well, Xerxes.

We have completed our holy task as ordained by Rhodos the Sunlighter.

Does anyone else

feel hungry or anything?

Oh, I should eat

perhaps

I thought there was a tavern.

Yeah, there was

the three fawns back there.

Does anyone okay with that?

And so the Rangus Dangus burned for many years in the crater of Castlebraid.

Until one day, the Dangus finally faded away altogether, leaving only a warm legume in its place.

The people of the kingdom swore to always remember the story of Rangus the Wizard.

History became legend, legend became myth, and eventually, the people forgot why the area was known as Rangus.

They started calling the whole kingdom Rangus, then the planet.

And that is the planet now known as Rangus 1.

But the legume, of course, went on to have many, many more adventures.

The end.

Been loved that story of Beano.

So, Bino, what is the lesson of this story?

Don't ignore your day.

No, Bino.

The point is that the need is bad.

No, the point is that Rangus.

The point is that Rangus needed the chosen one to enter.

Never mind.

Bino loved the story of Bino.

Elegance, drama, blood.

Beeto fused with the emperor again.

Yeah.

Not much longer now.

I, Creed Itis, have here the scroll of every player's name for our sweet interlude before the king at night, which shall be called the story of Beno, or the most lamentable comedy of Rangus the Wizard.

Jeremy Bent, you are hereby charged to play Sir Quariel, paladin of Rhodos the Sunlighter.

Sure, no problem.

Alden Ford, take upon you the role of Corm the Blessed, and Rangus, a wizard most sinister,

a series of ravens who are murdered by our heroes in a church basement.

Great, okay.

Alec Kokash, take you the part of Duane the Orc Johnson, a great beast, ponderous slow of wit, and Corinthia, the lady Rangus must love.

Mujan Zolfagari, you shall play Bucket the Witch, that conjurer of Hex's most foul.

All right, Flynn, you are to play Gigli the dwarf of Clan Binnefer, son of Groin.

I will.

And Winston Knoll, take you these three scrolls: Samses the Bard, the Beano, and the Emperor.

Zecelind, you shall also edit this play.

And Shane O'Connell, you shall be-mix our play with all manner of noises and music to fall on the ears in equal measure, sweetly and obscenely as you see fit.

Brendan Ryan, you shall write all manner of cantos and roundels for the lute, tabor, and pipe to be performed by Ophira Zakai, Penelli Miller, and Cynthia Ann Sutton.

And here, I hope, is a play fitted to the Maximum Fun Theater!

Hi, my name is Graham Clark, and I'm one half of the podcast Stop Podcasting Yourself, a show that we've recorded for many, many years.

And at the moment, instead of being in person, we're recording remotely, and you wouldn't even notice.

You don't even notice the lag.

That's right, Graham.

And the great thing about this,

go ahead.

No, you go ahead.

Okay.

Okay, go ahead.

And you can listen to us every week on maximumfun.org.

Or wherever you get your podcasts.

Your podcasts.

Hey, everyone.

It's I, John Hodgman, of the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

And I, Elliot Kalin, of the Flophouse podcast.

And we've made a whole new podcast.

A 12-episode special miniseries called IPotius, in which we recap, discuss, and explore the very famous 1976 BBC miniseries about ancient Rome called I Claudius.

We've got incredible guests such as Gillian Jacobs, Paul F.

Tompkins, as well as star of iClaudius, Sir Patrick Stewart, and his son, non-sir Daniel Stewart.

Don't worry, Dan, you'll get there someday.

iPotius is the name of the show.

Every week for maximumfun.org for only 12 weeks.

Get him at maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

Maximumfun.org.

Comedy and culture.

Artist-owned, audience-supported.

And protecting it.

It's Rangus's minions.

Hordes of them surrounding it.

They're just sort of bones.

Yes, they're skeletons.

They're getting closer.

They're coming towards you.

Yeah, we gotta.

I draw my sword, the ray of Rhodos.

Away, you beasts.

Bones and bones, and stones, and thrones, and.

Ah!

Ah, get away!

Eat axe, minions.

Careful,

eat axe sounds very similar to something horrible.

Why are they behind me?

Why are they all behind me?

They're all behind me.

Get away from them.

Whoa.

Why are they pulling me behind this rock?

I don't want to go.

Oh, boy.

Book it.

Alright, I can do his spell.

I can make it happen.

Make it happen.

One inch of flesh.

Two spritz of sprouts.

Oh no, I don't have it.

Petra, where's my spritz and sprouts?

I eat it!

What you use it for?

Why didn't you know they were gonna be skeletons, innit?

I need to use my spritz and sprouts.

Whoa, Dwayne, you are...

Dwayne just belly-flopped them.

Dwayne just took out an entire...

This is fun.

It's like being in a ball pit, but the balls are bums.

Let's just.

Should we let Dwayne kind of do it?

Dwayne, cut me a path to that terrible orb, and I shall destroy Rengus.

Uh.

B.

Uh.

Falls!

I serve the

sunlight!

There's sharp

the field of battle one.

Ah, okay, okay.

Jeez.

Such good Samsies, they're fleeing you out of boredom.

And I myself did hit the bones, and every time I...

I got a potion for you, Ian.

Fall in love!

Fall in love now!

They're just mashing their jawbones together.

Despite the overwhelming odds, we are succeeding, friends.

Move closer, and we shall defeat ranks.

Yeah, they took my recorder.

They took my recorder!

Sweet rubber.

That's all bad.

Give me that back.

Them skeletons playing the recorder.

It makes no sense.

Where does the air come from?

Pretty good.

It's not bad.

Someone get the skull off my backside.