414: Good to the Last Drip [ft. Naomi Ekperigin & Andy Beckerman]

Speaker 1 folks, it's Jesse, the founder of MaxFun. Since we postponed our annual Max Fund Drive in mid-March, we have gotten a lot of questions about if and when we'd be rescheduling it.

Speaker 1 And honestly, we've been asking ourselves the same thing. Well, now we have an answer for you.
The 2020 Max Fund Drive will start on July 13th. That's coming up soon.

Speaker 1 We decided to have the drive now because it's always brought a lot of joy and excitement to our community and certainly to us.

Speaker 1 And to be totally honest, it's also the main source of income for some of our hosts. Like pretty much everything right now, this year's drive is going to be a little different.

Speaker 1 We'll still be bringing you very special episodes, fun community activities, premium thank you gifts, but we also know it's a weird time and for some folks, a really difficult one.

Speaker 1 Some people are in a position to become new or upgrading members, others can't right now, and that is okay.

Speaker 1 We'll have ways for you to support MaxFun at every level, including some ways that won't cost you anything. We're also going to run the drive for four weeks instead of two.

Speaker 1 We didn't think it was a good time to be rushing anybody, and having a longer drive lets us be a little more low-key in our drive pitch.

Speaker 1 It also gives us more time to do fun stuff, like the weekly live streams we'll be putting on for charity throughout the drive.

Speaker 1 Most importantly, we want the 2020 Max Fund Drive to highlight all the ways we support each other and our communities.

Speaker 1 We also want to show how grateful we are to you for making all the work that we do possible. Stay safe.
We'll see you July 13th for the Max Fun Drive.

Speaker 2 It is a time of chaos.

Speaker 2 Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and of course the colossal all wheat.

Speaker 2 Which looks like a star, except instead of radiating light, it radiates a hangover.

Speaker 2 Now Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

Speaker 8 This

Speaker 9 is Mission to Zinx.

Speaker 10 Hey uh Papo. Uh yeah, what is it, AJ? So do you still like believe in the space or what?

Speaker 11 Do I believe? Yeah, of course I believe in the space. What are you talking about?

Speaker 12 You know, like, are you still practicing or what?

Speaker 11 Yeah, I yeah, I still convene with the space every day. And you know what, actually, I'm glad you mentioned that because now I've been trying to think more about the stuff.

Speaker 11 Yeah, I haven't really, you know, I haven't really been kind of doing it, talking about the space and doing stuff.

Speaker 13 Remember how I used to open portals with my hands?

Speaker 14 Yeah, what happened to that?

Speaker 12 Yeah, item.

Speaker 17 Hang on with all those guys from Zeni Prime.

Speaker 11 Yeah, well, you know, those guys have not really been contacting me lately.

Speaker 11 And I logged in. The forums are sort of dead.
So, you know, I kind of thought, you know, maybe this is kind of my

Speaker 11 journey, you know?

Speaker 18 But what about the journey to complete the job I gave you?

Speaker 1 Um, yeah, I'm about to get on it.

Speaker 11 I'm just almost done through finishing that job for you.

Speaker 16 What job did you complete?

Speaker 12 So, you guys don't remember your job that Bargie gave you?

Speaker 14 With me?

Speaker 16 What's yours?

Speaker 12 Oh, I'm swabbing.

Speaker 17 Swabbing?

Speaker 14 I swabbed the floor.

Speaker 9 I swabbed the deck.

Speaker 21 Alright, Bargie, I'm all done.

Speaker 22 Great.

Speaker 11 Dar, what was your job?

Speaker 19 Isn't it obvious? Look around.

Speaker 23 Uh, Papa, lift your foot up.

Speaker 24 Okay.

Speaker 12 Gotta swab. Alright.

Speaker 25 Was your job also swabbing, Darn?

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 27 What?

Speaker 21 What do you mean, also?

Speaker 4 Who else was swabbing?

Speaker 11 I think AJ was swabbing, and I think maybe C53 and I were both also supposed to be swabbing.

Speaker 12 Wait, did we double swap this?

Speaker 25 I'm sorry, what is swabbing exactly?

Speaker 21 Pleck, swabbing is obviously when you put those little dust catcher sheets underneath your feet and you shuffle around.

Speaker 4 Is that what you are doing?

Speaker 12 You know, like really going after it.

Speaker 30 Yeah.

Speaker 18 I have an incoming call from my free advice adjourn.

Speaker 4 Oh, Nermit.

Speaker 14 Hold on.

Speaker 11 C53.

Speaker 18 Whenever they're giving me free advice, I get to announce it. Hey, Nermi.
What do you think I should do, huh? Should I take the job? Should I stick it to him?

Speaker 29 Sorry, Bargie. I know I owe you a couple free advice calls, but what is it?

Speaker 18 Shouldn't have picked up. Wasted minutes of my life doing someone else's job.
What?

Speaker 29 Oh, saying that I called? Seems like not that much work.

Speaker 18 You can get the next one, see. I'm sorry.

Speaker 13 Okay, whatever.

Speaker 29 Guys, listen. Huge mission today.
Very exciting. You're going to a zombie planet.

Speaker 22 Yes, let's do it.

Speaker 11 Okay, Nermit, Nermit, what does that mean? Does that mean that the, you know, the molten core has stopped moving or...

Speaker 9 No, this rules.

Speaker 12 It's wave after wave of enemy that you can mow down without feeling any remorse. I love it.

Speaker 17 AJ, that's probably not what Norman is.

Speaker 29 AJ's got it. Yeah, it's zombies.
It's literal zombies. This is obviously a great opportunity.

Speaker 29 Sees who hasn't done the most important thing that a candidate has to do, which is obviously announce what their platform is. Okay, that too, but also pick a running mate.

Speaker 29 Sure, that, well, what she did, and then we had a problem.

Speaker 17 Make sure the infrastructure exists for safe and fair elements.

Speaker 29 Yeah, those are kind of details, but the big thing.

Speaker 18 Figure out what sort of government exactly will be in place afterwards, because honestly, I have no idea what sort of government is.

Speaker 14 Oh, yeah, that's a really good one, Margaret.

Speaker 12 Text me back.

Speaker 29 All great ideas, but obviously not as important as just straight up saving a planet. And what better kind of planet to save than one that's overrun by zombies?

Speaker 11 All right, Nermit. Yeah.

Speaker 11 Just so we're clear, when you say zombies,

Speaker 11 you mean corpses that have been reanimated.

Speaker 21 This isn't just like some slang term that you're using for dead beads.

Speaker 6 Zombies, yes, is a terminology.

Speaker 11 Yeah, zombies isn't the name of a species we're not familiar with.

Speaker 32 Oh, yeah, good question. Very good question.

Speaker 12 Why are we asking so many questions? It's a planet of zombies. We take our guns out and we just go to it.

Speaker 22 Let's walk and load it.

Speaker 11 Only one of us has guns.

Speaker 4 What are we doing?

Speaker 18 I will say this, and I'm gonna say it, okay? Zombies love me. It's not gonna be a problem.

Speaker 17 Zombies love you?

Speaker 18 Well, that zombie hollow that I did honestly portrayed them in a way that most hollows had them as stereotypes, but it showed them as very three-dimensional, complicated characters.

Speaker 17 Right, the romantic scene of Starship with the dead was mostly just zombies talking about being really dark.

Speaker 18 Exactly. It would finally be nice to go somewhere where I'm appreciated for a change.

Speaker 32 Hmm.

Speaker 10 So, just all the people who are not zombies, save them. Sisu gets the credit.

Speaker 33 I'm so excited.

Speaker 34 Look who's been just off camera here, everyone.

Speaker 28 Hi, crew. It's me, Sisu Gundu.
Hey! Hey!

Speaker 28 Is everyone excited to go to a zombie planet?

Speaker 28 If you are, let me hear you say, hee-yah!

Speaker 10 I think they all said it. Nermit, we can clearly, clearly, no.

Speaker 28 Okay, well, I have to go. I got a couple of hands I gotta shake, if you know what I mean.
I'm literally gonna be shaking hands with Mini Sentience.

Speaker 35 So, okay, goodbye.

Speaker 10 Take me back. Thanks, Sisu.

Speaker 10 Before you all die, I want you to know I love you.

Speaker 5 What?

Speaker 10 Obviously, you're gonna die on this zombie planet, and I don't.

Speaker 34 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 34 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 4 I just was laying it cool in front of the Sisu.

Speaker 36 Just checking back in.

Speaker 38 Oh, yep. Have a fun, guys.

Speaker 27 Bye.

Speaker 17 I think the pressure might be getting.

Speaker 14 Yeah,

Speaker 11 he's got to learn to stand up to Sisu.

Speaker 12 Did he tell us to have a fun, guys?

Speaker 4 I think he did.

Speaker 4 One, three,

Speaker 4 one,

Speaker 4 two.

Speaker 4 Look at them at just a huge horde of them.

Speaker 4 You know, to see a horde that big, that's pretty great.

Speaker 4 Well, if we're gonna search for survivors, we'll need to move still. Attention, zombies.
Vicarian J has returned. So far, too.

Speaker 4 I am so excited to be back.

Speaker 4 Baji is here.

Speaker 21 You're eliminating the s the the surprise of us uh arriving.

Speaker 9 But you know what?

Speaker 12 Zombies love to come back. That's kind of their whole thing.

Speaker 39 That's

Speaker 34 true.

Speaker 39 That is true.

Speaker 4 Hello, zombie.

Speaker 5 Hello. No, Bargie.

Speaker 25 Nope. You gotta close your hatch.

Speaker 24 These monsters are gonna run right up to me.

Speaker 24 They're swarming. Let's go, See.

Speaker 9 I'm just gonna follow.

Speaker 40 Make sure he doesn't get the zombie.

Speaker 31 He's having some fun look at him.

Speaker 24 C, are you on that?

Speaker 3 Get behind me!

Speaker 41 Okay, uh,

Speaker 21 Bleck, come on, you and I.

Speaker 19 We're doing this. Come on.

Speaker 5 You got this API, you gotta protect me?

Speaker 21 I've got your back, buddy. Now, we just gotta link hands here.

Speaker 4 Wow, those are literal zombies, they are.

Speaker 21 Yeah, yeah, and we're just gonna get

Speaker 42 corpses, animated ribs,

Speaker 21 right off of Bargie, and we'll be fine.

Speaker 5 Collect tenure on the crap.

Speaker 5 Ah, of course.

Speaker 5 Wow, they really do love Bargie.

Speaker 5 Please write it out.

Speaker 24 Two Golfmunkler wolfs.

Speaker 14 Oh, what do I get?

Speaker 43 Bargie's back.

Speaker 27 My fucking favorite ship after Tatty Toots block!

Speaker 22 What?

Speaker 4 Tatty Toots!

Speaker 18 Did a big mega blockbuster for something movie that definitely did really well.

Speaker 14 Alright, cool, we're done here.

Speaker 41 Alright, pan loading up my action.

Speaker 41 Don't worry, I made it on.

Speaker 18 Since

Speaker 36 No, Bargie, keep the lights on, please.

Speaker 25 Tiny Toons is darker.

Speaker 17 So.

Speaker 21 Okay, well now they're just baiting her. Okay, okay.
It doesn't matter. Pleck, I can't believe I'm saying this, but we need to split up.

Speaker 4 What? No!

Speaker 4 Darn, you need to protect me. This is a terrible idea.

Speaker 21 Pleck, listen to me. It's too dangerous for you to be with me.
I'm too sexy to these zombies.

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 21 Pleck, come on, you've seen a zombie hollow. The sexy one is the first to go, and how could the zombies resist all of this?

Speaker 19 Zombies aren't gonna come anywhere near you, and they're gonna be all over me.

Speaker 11 Yeah, no, that's no, that's definitely fair.

Speaker 21 I mean, and plus, it couldn't hurt if, you know, we tried to find weapons.

Speaker 45 Of course, of course.

Speaker 11 The dingle hopper's in my room. I'll go get that.

Speaker 21 Yeah, sure. Okay, you go find the stick in your room.

Speaker 42 Yeah, uh, the dingle hopper, yes.

Speaker 21 And I'll go find a blaster.

Speaker 19 Sure. Gonna lead a parade of zombies through Bargy.

Speaker 5 Oh, boy.

Speaker 34 Follow me, boys.

Speaker 40 Don't go too far ahead, buddy.

Speaker 40 Okay. I want you to wait at the corner for me.

Speaker 40 Move your eyeballs out. Let's go.
Let's go.

Speaker 46 Did you plug a specific anti-zombie class that you took?

Speaker 12 I mean, I audited it, but yeah.

Speaker 9 Yeah!

Speaker 9 I got survivors! I got survivors in the two!

Speaker 48 Hey, what are you drips doing to our zombies?

Speaker 48 I'm sorry.

Speaker 40 Did Did you say you're zombies?

Speaker 34 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 49 These are our friends.

Speaker 19 This is our community.

Speaker 49 Hi.

Speaker 35 Who exactly are you?

Speaker 26 I'm CPSC.

Speaker 23 AJ Two.

Speaker 26 We were saying, because we were told this was a zombie planet.

Speaker 50 Okay, okay.

Speaker 19 Well, you know what, half right. It is a zombie planet.

Speaker 40 I'm taking this guy's head off. Should I put it back on?

Speaker 23 Yes, please.

Speaker 23 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 23 this body.

Speaker 48 He'll be fine. He'll be fine.

Speaker 49 What do you mean when you say they're yours?

Speaker 9 Who are you?

Speaker 19 I'm Dr. Marilyn Warehauser, and this is my husband, the grandpa.

Speaker 27 Dr. Grandpa Warehouser.

Speaker 32 Known to me as the grandpa.

Speaker 49 You know, we're deep in love.

Speaker 40 Well, that's beautiful.

Speaker 26 It's a little pet name.

Speaker 38 Because I'm wrinkly.

Speaker 7 Oh, okay.

Speaker 40 Let's eat rage.

Speaker 35 Susan Lee and B, Susan Lee. Susan.

Speaker 20 Oh, they have names?

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Everyone has a name. Everyone has a name.

Speaker 8 Zombies.

Speaker 46 This is like a feastless map.

Speaker 47 Right.

Speaker 20 You don't think bad when you cut through the

Speaker 20 bottom?

Speaker 35 Wow. Stereotyping.

Speaker 50 Truly, truly stereotyping.

Speaker 19 Just because, you know, a zombie doesn't have dreams and hopes and opinions doesn't mean they're still not a person.

Speaker 34 Alright?

Speaker 27 I mean, it means they're not a person. It means they're a zombie.

Speaker 19 Right, but they still, there is an identity, a unique zombie identity to each one of them.

Speaker 27 Yeah, there's something called zombie culture.

Speaker 38 Right. People.

Speaker 40 Okay, okay.

Speaker 23 Out on us for not doing the research before we got here.

Speaker 51 Tea time is ready. Oh,

Speaker 19 it is tea time. If you'd like a cuppa,

Speaker 19 we will be just sitting with some of our friends.

Speaker 32 honestly it's all right reginald

Speaker 23 figure out

Speaker 24 come to tea

Speaker 27 become a zombie it'll be great

Speaker 40 become a zombie yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i assume that's why you're here right no no no why else would you come to a planet of only zombies you know you make a fair point

Speaker 46 Are you familiar with Cecendo?

Speaker 23 She's running for leader of the galaxy.

Speaker 27 I think I saw an ad somewhere. Okay, yeah.

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 26 Good. That's great.

Speaker 47 If you could tell us where you saw the advanced me, I don't know.

Speaker 40 Well, I think this seems like a good market.

Speaker 23 You know what?

Speaker 40 We'll get a better later.

Speaker 53 We were sent here to sort of eliminate all the zombies and save this planet.

Speaker 50 Wow, that is bold. That is bold.

Speaker 35 Okay, we are two scientists.

Speaker 5 We We are two.

Speaker 8 Honestly, I'll say it.

Speaker 19 Geniuses.

Speaker 54 Grandpa, you're a genius. Thank you.

Speaker 27 So are you, Marilyn Warehauser?

Speaker 20 Thank you.

Speaker 27 We are peace merchants, if you will.

Speaker 19 Yes, we are. All right.

Speaker 50 We are.

Speaker 19 Look at us.

Speaker 50 Healthy.

Speaker 32 Thriving.

Speaker 19 Our love has never been stronger.

Speaker 27 We have a universal mission, maybe given to us by Rod Himself.

Speaker 40 Wow.

Speaker 23 And just to be 100% transparent about this,

Speaker 47 your mission is to turn everyone in the galaxy into a zombie.

Speaker 35 I would say universe.

Speaker 19 Yes. Yes, yes, yes, correct.

Speaker 23 Okay. whoa.

Speaker 38 Yeah, galaxy.

Speaker 27 That's small beans, buddy.

Speaker 20 Yeah.

Speaker 12 Yeah, I mean, I guess I just thought since everything was sort of like abandoned and sort of spooky looking and you guys are sort of like here with all these zombies that maybe you wanted to be rescued, is that just me with my preconceived notions of

Speaker 12 the moment?

Speaker 19 You think it's creepy? You know what I like?

Speaker 48 I like a muted palace.

Speaker 37 I find it relaxing.

Speaker 35 I find it very soothing.

Speaker 45 You know, honestly, I don't want this tea to get cold. Let's go.

Speaker 9 Let's go inside.

Speaker 27 You guys like Roibus?

Speaker 32 Roeibus? How do you pronounce it?

Speaker 50 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Red Roibus.

Speaker 20 I'm gonna put a deer on it.

Speaker 40 This all looks lovely.

Speaker 20 I am a druid. I don't want to be able to drink any of this.

Speaker 52 Huh.

Speaker 52 Huh.

Speaker 26 Okay.

Speaker 38 What if we could

Speaker 27 make you organic something?

Speaker 49 That would be pretty impressive.

Speaker 27 And then turn you into a zombie.

Speaker 38 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 23 I think respectfully I will have to decline that off.

Speaker 19 Okay, well, uh, you know what?

Speaker 5 You haven't heard the full pitch, okay?

Speaker 5 You seem uh a little uptight.

Speaker 27 Yeah, like you got uh a metal rod up here, uh, fuck your old bum.

Speaker 9 Well, I mean, technically, I'm a loaded critic. What I do!

Speaker 23 It's there for stability, sir.

Speaker 12 You guys got it pegged. It's great.

Speaker 19 Well, you have a lot of intensity, too, that I think could be dialed down. Yes, sir.

Speaker 12 Listen, I was bred with a bunch of faceless clones. Like, I'm not a zombie, alright? So, I'm part of the mindless horde that fights the zombies.

Speaker 13 You know what I mean?

Speaker 19 I mean, this just takes me back.

Speaker 27 Oh, nostalgia. What a drug.

Speaker 27 Speaking of drugs, can we put a zombie drug in your tea?

Speaker 12 I feel weird because I'd feel like I'd have to be polite.

Speaker 12 But then I realized

Speaker 22 that. Okay, cool.

Speaker 12 Thank you. Thank you for giving me the out.
I was worried.

Speaker 24 Dr. Merrill,

Speaker 23 can you ask?

Speaker 47 How recently was this planet not a zombie planet?

Speaker 19 You know, uh, we released uh came into our comfort about seven months ago, don't you think?

Speaker 24 Seven months?

Speaker 6 Oh, wow.

Speaker 55 That's recent.

Speaker 19 It took a while.

Speaker 27 It took you 11 days, to be exact. I have a sobriety counter I use.

Speaker 19 Well, Grandpa's been clean.

Speaker 12 Wow. Congratulations.

Speaker 19 That's really helped us get to where we wanted to be now with our mission.

Speaker 27 Let go and let Rod.

Speaker 24 I don't know that Rod would be cool with this.

Speaker 19 Huh, huh. Well,

Speaker 19 that's where you're wrong. Rod wanted.
What did Rod want?

Speaker 39 Yeah.

Speaker 34 Peace.

Speaker 27 Before you two drips showed up, did you see any fighting outside?

Speaker 3 Well, I guess

Speaker 55 they also removed as one.

Speaker 35 As one.

Speaker 27 As one.

Speaker 19 It is beautiful to watch a common goal.

Speaker 9 Should

Speaker 9 Yes,

Speaker 24 drink up.

Speaker 27 Can we get another copa over here?

Speaker 19 Reginald.

Speaker 54 I mean, I'm normally on biscuit duty, but okay.

Speaker 12 He's a tuxedo, so

Speaker 7 it's stained

Speaker 23 by his rotting flesh.

Speaker 7 Did the people

Speaker 9 have a say

Speaker 53 were you being gracious in the way you're offering us the chance to become zombies?

Speaker 7 Kindly, but firmly saying no.

Speaker 12 But also keeping her on the table.

Speaker 27 How many people have a say in their destinies?

Speaker 19 You know, this wasn't a question as much as an opportunity.

Speaker 27 It wasn't a question, it was an exclamation mark.

Speaker 19 Grandpapa, you are a poet. I will tell you this.
Yes, of course, some people were resistant, just like you.

Speaker 19 However, as they watched, I would say all people were resistant. Granted, granted.

Speaker 19 However, as they watched everyone around them, as they watched everyone around them succumb to freedom, succumb to peace, I mean, you know, it just became a no, it just became a no-brainer.

Speaker 22 Sorry for the joke.

Speaker 23 Sorry, I just

Speaker 23 don't know.

Speaker 7 I can see some corpses.

Speaker 27 Ultimately, is death not the greatest? Rest in peace. Is that not what it says?

Speaker 12 Maybe I should drink this.

Speaker 9 I'm tired of it. Stop kicking.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 11 I need to get back to my room. I need to get back to my dingle hopper.

Speaker 30 Hello?

Speaker 20 Me?

Speaker 40 What?

Speaker 40 Frank?

Speaker 48 Oh, is that a question?

Speaker 14 Need new to this.

Speaker 5 Then, no, I don't think so.

Speaker 56 Pleck, I've made it to the sub-basement. How are you doing? Have you made it to your bedroom yet?

Speaker 1 Uh, no, actually, I ran into a zombie and we're just kind of discussing something.

Speaker 56 I feel feel like there has to be an ultimate nostalgic blaster, even if it was just a prop from a movie.

Speaker 11 Dart, do you have AJ's tube?

Speaker 38 Yeah, it lights up.

Speaker 38 The set basement has no lighting.

Speaker 1 I have literally feeling around in the dark here.

Speaker 56 But you have to keep turning it to, you know, keep the light going.

Speaker 11 Okay, listen,

Speaker 11 I'm almost back to my room. If I can get back to my room, I can get my dingle hopper.
And then I think

Speaker 9 it's got my leg.

Speaker 4 No, it's pinned me to the ground.

Speaker 5 Wait, what? It's licking. It's just decomposing lips.

Speaker 4 Okay, you gotta get out of there, guys. Single lip.

Speaker 37 One blip.

Speaker 40 You gotta get out of there. You gotta go barricade yourself in my room because I have grossly underestimated how sexy you are to zombies.
Thank you!

Speaker 2 Here's a nine minimum.

Speaker 23 I don't know how many.

Speaker 23 I don't know, math.

Speaker 23 Is that math?

Speaker 30 It's just counting.

Speaker 4 I don't know what math is.

Speaker 31 It isn't.

Speaker 6 Love your room.

Speaker 23 Doctor, I know we're housing. Can you tell us what's supposed to be

Speaker 40 this?

Speaker 24 You see all the plants.

Speaker 19 Uh, like, look over there.

Speaker 27 Do you see all the zombies swimming in the flesh pit?

Speaker 40 Okay.

Speaker 50 No running outside the pool.

Speaker 19 You know, it's so meditative, honestly, almost, to just, you know, feel like, you know, there's no destination.

Speaker 44 There's no purity.

Speaker 19 Just be in the flesh pit.

Speaker 42 Just to again be clear of

Speaker 31 the flesh pit is

Speaker 27 the flesh of other zombies.

Speaker 19 Right. You know, as they decompose, it becomes a little liquid, and then it just becomes a little soupy.
And so, but then, you know, you see what that is, though.

Speaker 28 That's a silver lining.

Speaker 19 Taking Taking a soupy mound of flesh and turning it into a pool, that can only be done once you are disconnected from the wants and needs of everyday life.

Speaker 27 And look, loose teeth everywhere.

Speaker 40 This is one of the most horrible things I've ever seen.

Speaker 5 Only five more minutes of open swim to let it flames.

Speaker 23 Alright.

Speaker 31 Anything other than the soupy flesh pit to support your argument?

Speaker 19 Do you see that library? Just look up ahead.

Speaker 33 Gorgeous library.

Speaker 27 Not a single person reading a violent book.

Speaker 24 Also,

Speaker 19 we got rid of late fees.

Speaker 5 Alright?

Speaker 44 Okay, what troubles me is the subtext that nobody is reading violent.

Speaker 3 There's no need for late fees because nobody can read a book anymore.

Speaker 24 Well,

Speaker 31 sure.

Speaker 35 I think you get it. I think you're getting it.

Speaker 19 Because basically what we say, you know, don't start none, won't be nothing.

Speaker 45 And that's the whole kind of print.

Speaker 19 You know, that's the point of creating this.

Speaker 48 I don't know. What'd you call it?

Speaker 5 Grandpa?

Speaker 35 Paradise?

Speaker 19 Yes, paradise. Hey,

Speaker 12 I think I should probably drink the zombie tea, right?

Speaker 44 Like, AJ,

Speaker 23 you came down to this planet to kill every zombie on the planet. You want to become a zombie?

Speaker 40 I mean.

Speaker 54 Don't sleep on the bus ticks.

Speaker 19 You see that?

Speaker 7 You see that?

Speaker 12 His jaw fell off when he said that, too.

Speaker 48 Push him against the upper kick.

Speaker 49 Alright, listen.

Speaker 44 Dr.

Speaker 8 Warehouser.

Speaker 38 You You can call me Grandpa.

Speaker 49 What the heck? Talking to your friend?

Speaker 3 Dr. Merlin?

Speaker 23 We're still concerned by the fact that you forcibly turned these people into zombies, and now you want to do that.

Speaker 46 The entire universe, even if they don't want to.

Speaker 19 Okay, but don't you think really what we're giving people is a calmness? You know, a comfort? It's not really taking away as much as giving.

Speaker 32 Yeah, what are people after?

Speaker 27 Of all creatures, great and small.

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 27 Of all stars and stripes. Yes.
Of this universe. Yes.

Speaker 12 Brains?

Speaker 40 Brains.

Speaker 44 PJ, you are just a flower, and that's what you are.

Speaker 53 You might have to be okay with that.

Speaker 12 You know, I actually think of it as leading, but just with another person telling you what to do.

Speaker 35 You know, Grandpa and I, we walk around, we walk around.

Speaker 19 I love to go into the library, no late fleas.

Speaker 5 Yes, you're a fan of the family.

Speaker 19 And at the end of a day, we just look over. We look at everything.

Speaker 27 We hold hands, we look.

Speaker 19 I wipe the dew off of your eyebrows. Ugh, there's always morning dew, no matter the time of day.

Speaker 27 And we say, what a wonderful universe we will create.

Speaker 19 Uh, you guys, uh, you did come here on a ship, right? Uh, you have the capacity to visit other areas.

Speaker 23 We do.

Speaker 12 Oh, we should let them get on the ship.

Speaker 55 Thank you.

Speaker 49 They're not coming up here.

Speaker 23 Well,

Speaker 19 I mean, we can

Speaker 19 carry our weight.

Speaker 19 You know what? We can swab a deck, if need be.

Speaker 27 I swabbed my way through science school.

Speaker 12 You guys are swabbers?

Speaker 19 Yes. We weren't born with a silver spoon.

Speaker 27 We were born with a wooden swab in our teeth.

Speaker 23 Now, listen, this society sounds very good for the both of you.

Speaker 44 But what if there's a zombie out there that doesn't want to be a zombie?

Speaker 23 What do you do for that person?

Speaker 19 Too late already, a zombie.

Speaker 24 Yeah, I guess that's my point.

Speaker 31 Yeah, it's sort of too late.

Speaker 12 If you'll excuse me and my associate here,

Speaker 12 we would like to just talk for a brief moment.

Speaker 19 Alright, take your time. Alright, AJ, there's no pressure here.

Speaker 12 Thank you so much, Dr. Marilyn Warehouser.

Speaker 9 AJ, I think we should let them on the ship.

Speaker 37 No, AJ, what are you talking about?

Speaker 13 Well, they were talking about how they know how to swap.

Speaker 44 AJ, they're just trying to get aboard the ship so they can turn us into zombies.

Speaker 37 Go to some other planet and turn them into zombies.

Speaker 12 Right, but no late fees.

Speaker 38 AJ, you've never paid a late fee in your life.

Speaker 12 No, I've never used the library. I've never been to the library, but we've been doing the library.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I dropkicked that.

Speaker 3 You dropkicked the library.

Speaker 12 Yep. Anyway, do you know what I mean? Like, they seem like cool and they're like so in love, and it's like really.

Speaker 3 You're so in love, which makes the fact that they want to turn the entire galaxy into zombies much more disturbing.

Speaker 12 Right, but you know what they were talking about, like wiping dew off each other's eyebrows? That's pretty great.

Speaker 12 And then they just get to swab it, and we don't just sit back and let them turn everybody into zombies.

Speaker 23 EG, we're not gonna do that.

Speaker 9 All right, dude, I think they're really romanticizing the zombie experience.

Speaker 12 Listen, if we don't take them, it was your idea. Because I don't want to have to explain it to the crew that we didn't take the people who want to make the universe into zombies.

Speaker 12 Doctors Warehousen, my associate and I here have spoken.

Speaker 30 Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.

Speaker 12 And this is not my decision at all.

Speaker 13 If it were up to me,

Speaker 12 I would become a zombie.

Speaker 53 Yes.

Speaker 12 Bring you on the ship. Yes.

Speaker 32 Great.

Speaker 12 Make more zombies.

Speaker 49 Absolutely.

Speaker 12 But unfortunately, it's not up to me.

Speaker 27 Why not? Why are you the one taking orders?

Speaker 19 Are you saying you're not in control?

Speaker 5 You mean not in control the way this other creature says we're going to turn them into zombies?

Speaker 12 It should be my decision to be a mindless zombie.

Speaker 27 Exactly. That's what we're here to do.

Speaker 41 It's my right. It's my autonomy to come up.

Speaker 22 Put that tea down.

Speaker 12 I'm liberating myself because I am tired of being one of like a faceless horde of mindless clones.

Speaker 4 I want to become a zombie.

Speaker 55 Yes.

Speaker 24 Give me that tea, please.

Speaker 27 Reginald?

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 40 Oh,

Speaker 5 it's beautiful.

Speaker 4 Oh, it doesn't taste good.

Speaker 44 Yeah, no, I think it doesn't, dummy.

Speaker 32 Well, sitting around for a couple hours.

Speaker 27 Yes.

Speaker 24 That's not a comment. That's not the presentation of the tea.

Speaker 5 It is lukewarm. It is lukewarm.

Speaker 38 That is you.

Speaker 44 Don't think it's the temperature.

Speaker 14 It is part of part of it is the temperature of our bodies.

Speaker 11 Dar.

Speaker 11 Dar, you have to get up here fast. I think they're in the vents.
In the ducts in Bargy.

Speaker 11 Dar!

Speaker 32 I'm in the vents.

Speaker 21 Zombies aren't smart enough to get into the vents.

Speaker 19 Clearly, it was me.

Speaker 6 That was incredible.

Speaker 11 Wait a second. Thank you.
Hold on.

Speaker 11 How did you fit into an air duct?

Speaker 4 RG's air ducts must be enormous if you can fit.

Speaker 11 I mean, I think of air ducts as being, you know, you sort of army crawl a little bit like a Tellurian Mightfield.

Speaker 21 I don't have time to be offended by this right now, but I promise you, Plectexeter, I'm going to be very upset about this later.

Speaker 11 Okay, I'm sorry. I guess I just...

Speaker 11 It must just be a cavernous

Speaker 48 series.

Speaker 21 Back to the zombie problem.

Speaker 11 Listen, the zombie that cornered me, I managed to get out of my room with the dingle hopper, but I don't know where the zombie is.

Speaker 21 Well, you closed the door, right?

Speaker 11 No, I just ran out.

Speaker 21 Pleck, zombies don't know how to open doors.

Speaker 28 You always close the door behind you.

Speaker 11 You know, every time I see a zombie, they're like punching through to like grab you as you stand up.

Speaker 21 Punching through metal? Are they punching through metal to grab you?

Speaker 11 No, it's usually like a dilapidated wooden shack.

Speaker 5 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 21 Okay, well, we have a problem now.

Speaker 21 Like, now we have to be fully prepared for a jump scare.

Speaker 4 What do you mean?

Speaker 21 Well, it's still out there. We don't know where, so at any point now, they're gonna just jump out and

Speaker 14 get us.

Speaker 11 I mean, yeah, not if we get them first, right?

Speaker 19 No, no, no.

Speaker 21 We don't do the jump scare. The zombies do the jump scare.

Speaker 11 What if we jump scared them?

Speaker 21 That's just, that's a turn that I've never heard of.

Speaker 11 Well then, okay, how do we avoid a jump scare?

Speaker 21 Okay, back to back.

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 21 And then we're just gonna rotate here. Actually, if you put these

Speaker 21 dust cling sheets under your feet, that way we can just

Speaker 19 are you trying to rotate?

Speaker 25 Are we swapping right now?

Speaker 21 It doesn't hurt to kill two Garfon with one stone, right?

Speaker 44 I mean, sure, I guess.

Speaker 32 Okay, all right. Okay, just rotate.

Speaker 9 Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.

Speaker 45 Okay, oh,

Speaker 21 head on a swivel, head on a swivel.

Speaker 14 If we're really,

Speaker 11 really quiet,

Speaker 11 we can probably avoid this jump scare.

Speaker 11 Jump scare!

Speaker 6 Oh, oh, Fettleys, there you go, Gad.

Speaker 19 My friend isn't interested!

Speaker 24 Well, this is just great.

Speaker 14 You convinced this poor young man to become a zombie!

Speaker 27 Yes, you're right, it is great. Thank you for acknowledging it.
Finally, after this whole time.

Speaker 7 Was some sarcasm?

Speaker 40 I was just being facetious.

Speaker 19 Ugh, you know what? We're not used to that.

Speaker 5 Because we've been around. Yeah, we've been around zombies

Speaker 40 for so long.

Speaker 27 Hasn't been a lot of sarcasm around these parts.

Speaker 7 Get it, parts. Bottom parts.

Speaker 3 They do seem to engage in wordplay.

Speaker 19 Yes. Well, puns.
Puns are natural. That's a part of the brain that'll never die.

Speaker 19 So, you know what?

Speaker 24 This is pretty great.

Speaker 27 You know what? I know why this drip here isn't letting us on the ship. He wants his palm greased.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 19 Okay.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 24 Do you think the barrier between me letting you off the ship to exomify the entire galaxy is a few crew?

Speaker 27 Yeah, or, you know, whatever we have lying around. A bag of teeth.

Speaker 24 What have you? A bag of teeth?

Speaker 39 What am I going to do with a bag of teeth?

Speaker 27 Put them in your own mouth. I don't know.

Speaker 19 I don't judge what you do with teeth. You know, some people just like the jingle jangle in their pockets.

Speaker 27 You ever fall asleep to the sound of jingling teeth?

Speaker 9 No, absolutely not.

Speaker 44 I can confirm that has never once happened to me.

Speaker 32 A lullaby. That's what it is, I'll tell you.

Speaker 19 Now, so you're saying we can't get on the ship, huh?

Speaker 5 You're saying we can't get on.

Speaker 23 Okay, we can't get on the ship.

Speaker 19 Fair enough, because you know what? Our new friend here, a lovely ambassador. That's an ambassador, yes.
So you're going to get on that ship, and you are going to spread the good word.

Speaker 31 Is there a way to unzombie somebody?

Speaker 27 Well, yeah, sure. I mean, there's plenty of ways.
There's a drug, there's a frequency you can play that just automatically unzombifies them. Sometimes rain does it.

Speaker 24 Sometimes rain does it!

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 36 Sometimes rain does it?

Speaker 19 Well, it depends on the P8.

Speaker 40 Oh my god.

Speaker 19 You know what? We have our lovely ambassador right here. Yes.

Speaker 32 You know, take some tea.

Speaker 19 Take some tea.

Speaker 9 Well, obviously I'm afraid of koozy, but nothing else.

Speaker 19 And, you know, go forth. Go forth.
It was so good to meet you, and this is just wonderful.

Speaker 27 Yeah, Reginald, bring him a biscuit to go.

Speaker 32 Oh, foil. Please, yeah.

Speaker 8 Reginald, do it.

Speaker 19 And please, you know, if you have any questions about creating your own zombie community, you just, you know where to find us. You know where to find us.
We'll be right here.

Speaker 37 Bam no.

Speaker 23 I don't know what his opinion was based on that sound.

Speaker 19 He agrees with us.

Speaker 27 They all agree with us.

Speaker 23 Listen, if you two love zombies so much.

Speaker 31 Why aren't you zombies?

Speaker 27 Because I didn't trust anyone to do the zombieing for us. But now we've got this drip.
Might as well. You know what? I'm going to call your bluff, robot.

Speaker 19 Well, no, no, no. I, uh, the grandpa, I don't think.

Speaker 39 Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, grandpa, make your own decision. I want to think you want to be a zombie.
Go ahead and become a zombie.

Speaker 27 I've always wanted to be a zombie.

Speaker 19 Look, um,

Speaker 48 see, uh, I, uh, I, uh,

Speaker 19 it's not hypocritical, as much as I believe there, someone must be uh focused and present to oversee, to make sure that

Speaker 19 the flesh pit, you you know, is cleaned out every other day.

Speaker 44 Well, it's awfully convenient that the both of you don't have to be zombies.

Speaker 27 Hey, I said I am gonna do it.

Speaker 3 Big talk, tough guy.

Speaker 44 Oh,

Speaker 9 well,

Speaker 35 say,

Speaker 38 are you happy? I hope you

Speaker 38 eat

Speaker 23 eat those.

Speaker 27 I hope you eat those words.

Speaker 19 Are you happy now?

Speaker 38 On some level.

Speaker 19 Get out of here. Get out of here.
I have to deal with this.

Speaker 23 And similarly, I have to deal with this!

Speaker 22 Don't worry,

Speaker 40 it's been

Speaker 9 an excuse.

Speaker 19 Don't worry, honey, it might rain soon. And depending on the rain, we may fix this.

Speaker 21 Wait, this is this is my bedroom.

Speaker 25 Horsehead?

Speaker 34 Horsehead!

Speaker 24 Hey, buddy!

Speaker 48 How you doing?

Speaker 5 Where did you get that spiked zybob hat?

Speaker 21 Did you hammer those nails into it yourself?

Speaker 21 You know you're too young to be chomping on a cigar like that. Get that out of your mouth.
Yeah.

Speaker 11 Where do all these sandbags come from?

Speaker 25 Horse hat, you got a real barricade in here, bud.

Speaker 11 Man, we should have come straight in here, Dar.

Speaker 14 Well, I mean,

Speaker 21 I knew Horse Hat could take care of themselves, but I didn't want to put the pressure on them to have to also take care of us.

Speaker 32 Sure, sure.

Speaker 11 Oh, they're coming. They're coming.

Speaker 24 When did you get a gun?

Speaker 24 Bargie, Bargie, did you give my baby a gun?

Speaker 22 No, I don't believe in guns.

Speaker 11 Bargie, where have you been this whole time?

Speaker 18 I've been flying the ship, ride the ship. My name is the Bargarian shit.

Speaker 14 No,

Speaker 11 I know we were being attacked by zombies in here.

Speaker 25 Don't you remember you opened the house?

Speaker 18 What's wrong with being friends with zombies?

Speaker 32 I don't know.

Speaker 11 They just, they weren't our friends.

Speaker 1 They were trying to eat our brains. Remember,

Speaker 21 they were all clamoring for tiny tooths?

Speaker 18 What'd you say?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 18 Okay, now that all makes sense. See, I blacked out because as soon as anyone says that name, I go into self-care mode.
So I completely shut down self-care.

Speaker 16 I'm gonna do it.

Speaker 18 It's a delayed reaction, but I'm gonna do it.

Speaker 22 Going into self-care mode.

Speaker 18 Bargie, you're worth it. You're beautiful.

Speaker 43 And I'm back.

Speaker 23 Oh, wow.

Speaker 25 Shorter this time.

Speaker 18 It gets...

Speaker 18 It gets better as you.

Speaker 11 Okay, Bargie, could you... Could you just like...

Speaker 18 You want me to get rid of the zombies? Hey, zombies!

Speaker 18 If you wouldn't mind getting into a single line and leaving out of my hatch,

Speaker 13 there they go, opening up my hatch.

Speaker 41 Goodbye!

Speaker 19 You're bringing a zombie on board?

Speaker 14 Why?

Speaker 24 No, AJ!

Speaker 21 See, now come on, we both split up to worry and responsibilities.

Speaker 14 I know, I know.

Speaker 23 What I didn't want

Speaker 23 was that they

Speaker 23 would really want to become a zone.

Speaker 14 Oh.

Speaker 21 Yeah, you know, we did not factor that in, did we?

Speaker 16 Okay.

Speaker 16 The good news is that the process apparently is reversible. Oh, really?

Speaker 53 Yeah, it's a little indistinct.

Speaker 14 As to the specifics, uh, so I'm just gonna have to mess around with this tone generator for a little while.

Speaker 8 Oh, ah.

Speaker 14 Did that work?

Speaker 15 Ow.

Speaker 17 One hertz.

Speaker 14 Did that work?

Speaker 19 It seems to be just a.

Speaker 42 I don't know a whole lot about hertz.

Speaker 25 How many hertz do we have to go to get through all of them?

Speaker 16 Tillery in here.

Speaker 17 20 hertz to kilohertz.

Speaker 14 So we might be here for them.

Speaker 24 Okay.

Speaker 14 Got it.

Speaker 17 Oh, wow.

Speaker 30 Oh.

Speaker 40 Locked out.

Speaker 34 What was that? How many hertz was that?

Speaker 17 3.2 kilohertz.

Speaker 14 Oh, alright.

Speaker 22 Whoa!

Speaker 12 Guys, I was a zombie. Yeah.

Speaker 4 AJ,

Speaker 11 I'm so glad you're okay.

Speaker 14 Why did you do that?

Speaker 12 I just felt like the right thing to do at the time, Papa.

Speaker 16 Did you enjoy being a zombie?

Speaker 13 I didn't hate it.

Speaker 21 Now, I hate to point this out, but there are zombie guts everywhere, so if we could all get to swabbing.

Speaker 21 This is Sea Red IT5.

Speaker 59 Credits and Attributions Joyed commencing After a Protocol. Pleck Deck Center was played by Alden Ford.
C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Captain Darr was played by Ali Kokesh.

Speaker 59 Barge of the Ship, Sisu Gandu, and the Zombie Who's New at This were played by Mujan Solfakari. T-Mom and Rebundeloy, Reginald, and the Zombie with a Crush on Pleck were played by Seth Lynn.

Speaker 59 AJ and Zombie AJ were played by Winston Null. Dr.
Marilyn Warehauser and Dr. Grandpa Warehouser were played by special guests Naomi Iperegan and Andy Beckerman.

Speaker 59 They host the live show and podcast Couples Therapy. Naomi is recurring on the Apple TV show Mythic Quest and has her very own Comedy Central Half Hour.

Speaker 59 And Andy is the host of the long-running popular interview podcast, Beginnings. Follow them at Naomi and Andy on Twitter and at Couples Therapy Pod on Instagram.

Speaker 59 This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent with sound design and mixed by Shane O'Connell. Theme music composed by Brennan Ryan, performed by famous Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Speaker 59 Opening craw narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goist.
Audio hosting by Simplecast. Vision Desix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Speaker 59 Speaking of, the Max Max Fund Drive starts next week, so ready yourself for a special related release.

Speaker 33 Readers have a lot of problems. How do you juggle your holes at the library? How do you decide what to read next? What do you do when you find out an author you love is a huge trash baby?

Speaker 33 I'm Brea Grant and I'm Mallory O'Mara and we're the hosts of Reading Glasses.

Speaker 33 We're here to solve all your reader problems and along the way, help you figure out your reader wheelhouse, which are the things that will absolutely make you pick up a book.

Speaker 33 Our listener favorites tend to be magic and a woman on a journey. And also birds for some reason.
Your reader doghouse. Yeah, that's the things that'll make you avoid a book.

Speaker 33 Ugh, love triangles stress me out so much. Reading glasses.
Every Thursday on maximumfun.org.

Speaker 43 Rocket ship one. This is mission control.
Come in.

Speaker 58 This is Rocket Ship One. Go ahead.

Speaker 43 Rocket Ship, what's your status on Max Fun Drive? Shouldn't we have seen it by now?

Speaker 58 Sorry about that mission control. Turns out I miscalculated.
The current projected ETA for Max Fundrive is...

Speaker 58 July 13,

Speaker 58 but it looks different.

Speaker 43 It'll be for...

Speaker 58 four weeks, so it's longer than expected.

Speaker 43 But all readings point to low-key?

Speaker 43 Oh, that'll be good. But can you verify that there are still special gifts for new and upgrading monthly members?

Speaker 58 Verified. Sweet gifts for new and upgrading members, plus amazing new episodes and even special weekly live streams for charity

Speaker 58 copy that rocket ship can you confirm eta for max fundrive 90 probability of max fund drive from july 13th to august 7th

Speaker 43 dude you say 90

Speaker 43 there were a couple of decimal places and i might have carried a zero wrong i'm just gonna pencil in july 13th to august 7th mission control out

Speaker 1 maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported.

Speaker 60 No, he's got me cornered in my room. He's shambling towards me.

Speaker 45 Pleck, you're fine.

Speaker 21 You can outrun a zombie.

Speaker 60 No, I have no, I can't get past him.

Speaker 11 My room's too small.

Speaker 60 He's winking an eye socket and licking his decomposed lips.

Speaker 21 No, Pleck, I promise you, the zombie is not attracted to you at once and nothing to do with you.

Speaker 14 What?

Speaker 28 He's already had his fill of dog. It he's fine.

Speaker 5 You dog?

Speaker 30 No, no.

Speaker 14 This dick is great.

Speaker 14 Perfect dick.

Speaker 11 I look forward to you having to dig through that.