414: Good to the Last Drip [ft. Naomi Ekperigin & Andy Beckerman]

folks, it's Jesse, the founder of MaxFun.

Since we postponed our annual Max Fund Drive in mid-March, we have gotten a lot of questions about if and when we'd be rescheduling it.

And honestly, we've been asking ourselves the same thing.

Well, now we have an answer for you.

The 2020 Max Fund Drive will start on July 13th.

That's coming up soon.

We decided to have the drive now because it's always brought a lot of joy and excitement to our community and certainly to us.

And to be totally honest, it's also the main source of income for some of our hosts.

Like pretty much everything right now, this year's drive is going to be a little different.

We'll still be bringing you very special episodes, fun community activities, premium thank you gifts, but we also know it's a weird time and for some folks, a really difficult one.

Some people are in a position to become new or upgrading members, others can't right now, and that is okay.

We'll have ways for you to support MaxFun at every level, including some ways that won't cost you anything.

We're also going to run the drive for four weeks instead of two.

We didn't think it was a good time to be rushing anybody, and having a longer drive lets us be a little more low-key in our drive pitch.

It also gives us more time to do fun stuff, like the weekly live streams we'll be putting on for charity throughout the drive.

Most importantly, we want the 2020 Max Fund Drive to highlight all the ways we support each other and our communities.

We also want to show how grateful we are to you for making all the work that we do possible.

Stay safe.

We'll see you July 13th for the Max Fun Drive.

It is a time of chaos.

Without a ruler, the galaxy is paralyzed by lawlessness, unrest, and of course the colossal all wheat.

Which looks like a star, except instead of radiating light, it radiates a hangover.

Now, Captain Dar and their intrepid crew must survive the looming threats, reunite a fractured galaxy, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This

is mission to zinc.

Hey uh Papa.

Uh yeah, what is it, AJ?

So do you still like believe in the space or what?

Do I believe?

Yeah, of course I believe in the space.

What are you talking about?

You know, like, are you still practicing or what?

Yeah, I yeah, I still convene with the space every day.

And you know what, actually, I'm glad you mentioned that because now I've been trying to think more about the stuff.

Yeah, I haven't really, you know, I haven't really been kind of doing it, talking about the space and doing stuff.

Remember how I used to open portals with my hands?

Yeah, what happened to that?

Yeah, item.

Hang on with all those guys from Zeni Prime.

Yeah, well, you know, those guys have not really been contacting me lately.

And I logged in.

The forums are sort of dead.

So, you know, I kind of thought, you know, maybe this is kind of my

journey, you know?

But what about the journey to complete the job I gave you?

Um, yeah, I'm about to get on it.

I'm just almost done through finishing that job for you.

What job did you complete?

So, you guys don't remember your job that Bargie gave you?

With me?

What's yours?

Oh, I'm swabbing.

Swabbing?

I'm all done.

Great.

Dar, what was your job?

Isn't it obvious?

Look around.

Uh, Papa, lift your foot up.

Okay.

Gotta swab.

Alright.

Swabbing.

Was your job also swabbing, Dar?

Yeah.

What?

What do you mean, also?

Who else was swabbing?

I think AJ was swabbing, and I think maybe C53 and I were both also supposed to be swabbing.

Wait, did we double swap this?

I'm sorry, what is swabbing exactly?

Pleck, swabbing is obviously when you put those little dust catcher sheets underneath your feet and you shuffle around.

Is that what you are doing?

You know, like really going after it.

Yeah.

I have an incoming call from my free advice adjourn.

Oh, Nermit.

Hold on, C53.

Whenever they're giving me free advice, I get to announce it.

Hey, Nermi.

What do you think I should do, huh?

Should I take the job?

Should I stick it to him?

Sorry, Bargie.

I know I owe you a couple free advice calls, but what is it?

Shouldn't have picked up.

Wasted minutes of my life doing someone else's job.

What?

Oh, saying that I called?

Seems like not that much work.

You can get the next one, see, I'm sorry.

Okay, whatever.

Guys, listen, huge mission today.

Very exciting.

You're going to a zombie planet.

Yes, let's do it.

Okay, Nermit, Nermit, what does that mean?

Does that mean that the, you know, the molten core has stopped moving or...

No, this rules.

It's wave after wave of enemy that you can mow down without feeling any remorse.

I love it.

AJ, that's probably not what Norman is.

AJ's got it.

Yeah, it's zombies.

It's literal zombies.

This is obviously a great opportunity.

Sees who hasn't done the most important thing that a candidate has to do, which is obviously announce what their platform is.

Okay, that too, but also pick a running mate.

Sure, that, well, what she did, and then we had a problem.

But make sure the infrastructure exists for safe and fair elements.

Yeah, those are kind of details, but the big thing.

Figure out what sort of government exactly will be in place afterwards, because honestly, I have no idea what sort of government is.

Oh, yeah, that's a really good one, Margaret.

Text me back.

All great ideas, but obviously not as important as just straight up saving a planet.

And what better kind of planet to save than one that's overrun by zombies?

All right, Nermit.

Yeah.

Just so we're clear, when you say zombies,

you mean corpses that have been reanimated.

This isn't just like some slang term that you're using for dead beads.

Zombies, yes, is a terminology.

Yeah, zombies isn't the name of a species we're not familiar with.

Oh, yeah, good question.

Very good question.

Why are we asking so many questions?

It's a planet of zombies.

We take our guns out and we just go to it.

Let's walk and load it.

Only one of us has guns.

What are we doing?

I will say this, and I'm gonna say it, okay?

Zombies love me.

It's not gonna be a problem.

Zombies love you?

Well, that zombie hollow that I did honestly portrayed them in a way that most hollows had them as stereotypes, but it showed them as very three-dimensional, complicated characters.

Right, the romantic scene of Starship with

zombies talking about being really dark.

Exactly.

It would finally be nice to go somewhere where I'm appreciated for a change.

Hmm.

So, just all the people who are not zombies, save them.

Sisu gets the credit.

I'm so excited.

Look who's been just off camera here, everyone.

Hi, crew.

It's me, Sisu Gundu.

Hey, hey.

Is everyone excited to go to a zombie planet?

If you are, let me hear you say, hee-yah!

I think they all said it.

Nermit, we can clearly, clearly, no.

Okay, well, I have to go.

I got a couple of hands I gotta shake, if you know what I mean.

I'm literally gonna be shaking hands with Mitty Sentience.

So, okay, goodbye.

Take me back.

Thanks, Sisu.

Before you all die, I want you to know I love you.

What?

Obviously, you're gonna die on this zombie planet, and I don't.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I just was laying it cool in front of the Sisu.

Just checking back in.

Oh, yep.

Have a fun, guys.

Bye.

I think the pressure might be getting.

Yeah,

he's got to learn to stand up to Sisu.

Did he tell us to have a fun, guys?

I think he did.

One, three,

one,

two.

Look at them at just a huge horde of them.

You know, to see a horde that big, that's pretty great.

Well, if we're gonna search for survivors, we'll need to move still.

Attention, zombies, Vicarian J has returned.

So far too.

I am so excited to be back.

Baji is here.

You're eliminating the s the the surprise of us arriving.

But you know what?

Zombies love to come back.

That's kind of their whole thing.

That's true.

It is a good truth.

Hello, zombie.

Hello.

No, Bargie.

Nope.

You gotta close your hatch.

These monsters are gonna run right up to me.

They're swarming.

Let's go, See.

I'm just gonna follow.

He's having some fun.

Look at him.

C, are you on that?

Get behind me.

Okay, uh,

Bleck, come on, you and I.

We're doing this.

Come on.

You got this API, you gotta protect me?

I've got your back, buddy.

Now, we just gotta link hands here.

Wow, those are literal zombies, they are.

Yeah, yeah, and we're just gonna get

corpses, animated ribs,

right off of Bargie, and we'll be fine.

Collect tenure on the crap.

Ah, of course.

Wow, they really do love Bargy.

Please write it out.

Two Golfmunkler Woats.

Oh, what if I get Bargie's back?

My fucking favorite ship after Tatty Toots block!

What?

Tatty Toots!

Did a big mega blockbuster for something movie that definitely did really well.

Alright, cool, we're done here.

Alright, pan loading up my action.

Don't worry, I made it on.

Since

No, Bargie, keep the lights on, please.

Tiny Toons is darker.

So.

Okay, well now they're just baiting her.

Okay, okay, it doesn't matter.

Pleck, I can't believe I'm saying this, but we need to split up.

What?

No!

Darn, you need to protect me.

This is a terrible idea.

Pleck, listen to me.

It's too dangerous for you to be with me.

I'm too sexy to these zombies.

What?

Pleck, come on, you've seen a zombie hollow.

The sexy one is the first to go, and how could the zombies resist all of this?

Zombies aren't gonna come anywhere near you, and they're gonna be all over me.

Yeah, no, that's no, that's definitely fair.

I mean, and plus, it couldn't hurt if, you know, we tried to find weapons.

Of course, of course.

The dingle hopper's in my room.

I'll go get that.

Yeah, sure.

Okay, you go find the stick in your room.

Yeah, uh, the dingle hopper, yes.

And I'll go find a blaster.

Sure.

Gonna lead a parade of zombies through Bargy.

Oh, boy.

Follow me, boys.

Don't go too far ahead, buddy.

Okay.

I want you to wait at the corner for me.

Move your eyeballs out.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Did you plug a specific

anti-zombie class that you took?

I mean, I audited it, but yeah.

Fear not, we are here to save you.

Hey, what are you drips doing to our zombies?

I'm sorry.

Did Did you say you're zombies?

Yeah, yeah.

These are our friends.

This is our community.

Hi.

Who exactly are you?

I'm CPSC.

AJ Two.

We were saying, because we were told this was a zombie planet.

Okay, okay.

Well, you know what, half right.

It is a zombie planet.

I'm taking this guy's head off.

Should I put it back on?

Yes, please.

I'm so sorry.

this body.

He'll be fine.

He'll be fine.

What do you mean when you say they're yours?

Who are you?

I'm Dr.

Marilyn Warehauser, and this is my husband, the grandpa.

Dr.

Grandpa Warehauser.

Known to me as the grandpa.

You know, we're deep in love.

Well, that's beautiful.

It's a little pet name.

Because I'm wrinkly.

Oh, okay.

Let's be great, brother.

Okay.

Susan Lee B, Susan Lee.

Susan.

Okay, goodbye.

Oh, they have names?

Yeah.

Everyone has a name.

Everyone has a name.

Feastless maps.

Right.

You don't think bad when you cut through the

middle of the city?

Wow.

Stereotyping.

Truly, truly stereotyping.

Just because, you know, a zombie doesn't have dreams and hopes and opinions doesn't mean they're still not a person.

Alright?

I mean, it means they're not a person.

It means they're a zombie.

Right, but they still, there is an identity, a unique zombie identity to each one of them.

Yeah, there's something called zombie culture.

Right.

People

on us for not doing the research before we got here.

Tea time is ready.

Oh,

it is tea time.

If you'd like a cup of, we will be just sitting with some of our friends.

honestly it's all right reginald

figure out

come to tea

become a zombie it'll be great

become a zombie yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i assume that's why you're here right no

no why else would you come to a planet of only zombies you know you make a fair point

Are you familiar with Cecendo?

She's running for leader of the galaxy.

I think I saw an ad somewhere.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah.

Good.

That's great.

If you could tell us where you saw the advantage like me, I don't know.

Well, I think this seems like a good marketing research.

You know what?

We'll get a better later.

We were sent here to sort of eliminate all the zombies and save this planet.

Wow, that is bold.

That is bold.

Okay, we are two scientists.

We We are two, honestly, I'll say it, geniuses.

Grandpa, you're a genius.

Thank you.

So are you, Marilyn Warehauser?

Thank you.

We are peace merchants, if you will.

Yes, we are.

All right.

We are look at us.

Healthy, thriving.

Our love has never been stronger.

We have a universal mission, maybe given to us by Rod himself.

Wow.

And just to be 100% transparent about this,

your mission is to turn everyone in the galaxy into a zombie.

I would say universe.

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, correct.

Okay, whoa.

Yeah, galaxy.

That's small beans, buddy.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I guess I just thought since everything was sort of like abandoned and sort of spooky looking, and you guys are sort of like here with all these zombies that maybe you wanted to be rescued, is that just me with my preconceived notions of

the momentum?

You think it's creepy.

You know what I like?

I like a muted palace.

I find it relaxing.

I find it very soothing.

You know, honestly, I don't want this tea to get cold.

Let's go.

Let's go inside.

You guys like Roibus?

Roeibus?

How do you pronounce it?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Red Roibus.

I'm gonna put a deer on it.

This all looks lovely.

I am a druid.

I don't want to be able to drink any of this.

Huh.

Huh.

Okay.

What if we could

make you organic something?

That would be pretty impressive.

And then turn you into a zombie.

Yeah, okay.

I think respectfully I will have to decline that off.

Okay, well, uh, you know what?

You haven't heard the full pitch, okay?

You seem, uh, a little uptight.

Yeah, like you got uh a metal rod up here, uh, fuck your old bum.

Well, I mean, technically, I'm a loaded critic.

What I do!

It's there for stability, sir.

You guys got it pegged.

It's great.

Well, you have a lot of intensity too that I think could be dialed down.

Yes, sir.

Listen, I was bred with a bunch of faceless clones.

Like, I'm not a zombie, alright?

So, I'm part of the mindless horde that fights the zombies.

You know what I mean?

I mean, this just takes me back.

Oh, nostalgia.

What a drug.

Speaking of drugs, can we put a zombie drug in your tea?

I feel weird because I feel like I'd have to be polite.

But then I realized

that.

Okay, cool.

Thank you.

Thank you for giving me the out.

I was worried.

Dr.

Merrill,

can you ask?

How recently was this planet not a zombie planet?

You know, uh, we released uh came into our comfort about seven months ago, don't you think?

Seven months?

Oh, wow.

That is recent.

It took a while.

It took you 11 days, to be exact.

I have a sobriety counter I use.

Well, Grandpa's been clean.

Wow.

Congratulations.

That's really helped us get to where we wanted to be now with our mission.

Let go and let Rod.

I don't know that Rod would be cool with this.

Huh, huh?

Well,

that's where you're wrong.

Rod wanted.

What did Rod want?

Yeah.

Peace.

Before you two drips showed up, did you see any fighting outside?

Well, I guess

they also removed as one.

As one.

As one.

It is beautiful to watch a common goal.

Should

Yes,

drink up.

Can we get another copa over here?

Reginald.

I mean, I'm normally on biscuit duty, but okay.

He's a tuxedo, so

it's stained

by his rotting flesh.

Did the people

have a say

were you being gracious in the way you're offering us the chance to become zombies?

Kindly, but firmly saying no.

But also keeping her on the table.

How many people have a say in their destinies?

You know, this wasn't a question as much as an opportunity.

It wasn't a question, it was an exclamation mark.

Grandpapa, you are a poet.

I will tell you this.

Yes, of course, some people were resistant, just like you.

However, as they watched, I would say all people were resistant.

Granted, granted.

However, as they watched everyone around them, as they watched everyone around them succumb to freedom, succumb to peace, I mean, you know, it just became a no, it just became a no-brainer.

Sorry for the joke.

Sorry, I just

don't know.

I can see some corpses.

Ultimately, is death not the greatest.

Rest in peace.

Is that not what it says?

Maybe I should drink this.

I'm tired of

death.

Stop kicking.

I'm sorry.

I need to get back to my room.

I need to get back to my dinglehopper.

Hello?

Me?

What?

Fred?

Oh, is that a question?

Need new to this.

Then, no, I don't think so.

Pleck, I've made it to the sub-basement.

How are you doing?

Have you made it to your bedroom yet?

Uh, no, actually, I ran into a zombie and we're just kind of discussing something.

I feel feel like there has to be an ultimate nostalgic blaster, even if it was just a prop from a movie.

Dart, do you have AJ's tube?

Yeah, it lights up.

The set basement has no lighting.

I have literally feeling around in the dark here.

But you have to keep turning it to, you know, keep the light going.

Okay, listen,

I'm almost back to my room.

If I can get back to my room, I can get my dingle hopper.

And then I think

it's got my leg!

No, it's pinned me to the ground.

Wait, what?

It's licking.

It's just decomposing lips.

Okay, you gotta get out of there, guys.

Single lip.

One lip.

You gotta get out of there.

You gotta go barricade yourself in my room because I have grossly underestimated how sexy you are to zombies.

Thank you!

Here's a nine minimum.

I don't know how many.

I don't know, math.

Is that math?

It's just counting.

I don't know what math is.

It isn't.

Love your room.

Doctor, I know we're housing.

Can you tell us what's supposed to be

this?

You see all the plants.

Uh, like, look over there.

Do you see all the zombies swimming in the flesh pit?

Okay.

No running outside the pool.

You know, it's so meditative, honestly, almost, to just, you know, feel like, you know, there's no destination.

There's no purity.

Just be in the flesh pit.

Just to again be clear of

the flesh pit is

the flesh of other zombies.

Right, you know, as they decompose, it becomes a little liquid, and then it just becomes a little soupy.

And so, but then, you know, you see what that is, though.

That's a silver lining.

Taking Taking a soupy mound of flesh and turning it into a pool, that can only be done once you are disconnected from the wants and needs of everyday life.

And look, lose teeth everywhere.

This is one of the most horrible things I've ever seen.

Only five more minutes of open swim to let it flames.

Alright.

Anything other than the soupy flesh pit to support your argument?

Do you see that library?

Just look up ahead.

Gorgeous library.

Not a single person reading a violent book.

Also,

we got rid of late fees.

Alright?

Okay, what troubles me is the subtext that nobody is reading violently.

Well,

sure.

I think you get it.

I think you're getting it.

Because basically what we say, you know, don't start none, won't be none.

And that's the whole kind of print, you know, that's the point of creating this.

I don't know, what'd you call it?

Grandpa?

Paradise?

Yes, paradise.

Hey,

I think I should probably drink the zombie tea, right?

Like, AJ,

you came down to this planet to kill every zombie on the planet.

You want to become a zombie?

I mean.

Don't sleep on the bus ticks.

You see that?

You see that?

His jaw fell off when he said that, too.

Push him against the upper kick.

Alright, listen.

Dr.

Warehouser.

You can call me Grandpa.

What the heck?

Talking to your friend?

Dr.

Merlin?

We're still concerned by the fact that you forcibly turned these people into zombies and now you want to do that.

The entire universe, even if they don't want that.

Okay, but don't you think really what we're giving people is a calmness?

You know, a comfort?

It's not really taking away as much as giving.

Yeah, what are people after?

Of all creatures, great and small.

Yes.

Of all stars and stripes.

Yes.

Of this universe.

Yes.

Brains?

Brains.

PJ, you are just a flower, and that's what you are.

You might have to be okay with that.

You know, I actually think of it as leading, but just with another person telling you what to do.

You know, grandpa and I, we walk around, we walk around.

I love to go into the library, no late fleas.

Yes, you're a fan of the family.

And at the end of a day, we just look over.

We look at everything.

We hold hands, we look.

I wipe the dew off of your eyebrows.

Ugh, there's always morning dew, no matter the time of day.

And we say, what a wonderful universe we will create.

You guys, you did come here on a ship, right?

You have the capacity to visit other issues.

We did.

Oh, we should let them get on the ship.

Thank you.

They're not coming on the ship.

Well,

I mean,

we can carry our weight.

You know what?

We can swab a deck, if need be.

I swabbed my way through science school.

You guys are swabbers?

Yes.

We weren't born with a silver spoon.

We were born with a wooden swab in our teeth.

Now, listen, this society sounds very good for the both of you.

But what if there's a zombie out there that doesn't want to be a zombie?

What do you do for that person?

Too late already, a zombie.

I guess that's my point.

Yeah, it's sort of too late.

If you'll excuse me and my associate here,

we would like to just talk for a brief moment.

Alright, take your time.

Alright, AJ, there's no pressure here.

Thank you so much, Dr.

Marilyn Warehouser.

AJ, I think we should let them on the ship.

No, AJ, what are you talking about?

Well, they were talking about how they know how to swap.

AJ, they're just trying to get aboard the ship so they can turn us into zombies.

Go to some other planet and turn them into zombies.

Right, but no late fees.

AJ, you've never paid a late fee in your life.

No, I've never used the library.

I've never been to the library, but we've been doing the library.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what I dropkicked that.

You dropkicked the library.

Yep.

Anyway, do you know what I mean?

Like, they seem like cool and they're like so in love, and it's like really.

They're so in love, which makes the fact that they want to turn the entire galaxy into zombies much more disturbing.

Right, but you know what they were talking about, like wiping dew off each other's eyebrows?

That's pretty great.

And then they just get to swab it, and we don't just sit back and let them turn everybody into zombies.

EG, we're not gonna do that.

All right, dude, I think they're really romanticizing the zombie experience.

Listen, if we don't take them, it was your idea.

Because I don't want to have to explain it to the crew that we didn't take the people who want to make the universe into zombies.

Doctors Warehousen, my associate and I here have spoken.

And this is not my decision at all.

If it were up to me,

I would become a zombie.

Yes.

Bring you on the ship.

Yes.

Great.

Make more zombies.

Absolutely.

But unfortunately, it's not up to me.

Why not?

Why are you the one taking orders?

Are you saying you're not in control?

You mean not in control the way this other creature says we're going to turn them into zombies?

It should be my decision to be a mindless zombie.

Exactly.

That's what we're here to do.

It's my right.

It's my autonomy to come up.

Put that tea down.

I'm liberating myself because I am tired of being one of like a faceless horde of mindless clones.

I want to become a zombie.

Yes.

Give me that tea, please.

Reginald?

Yeah.

Oh,

it's beautiful.

Oh, it doesn't taste good.

Yeah, no, I think it doesn't, dummy.

Well, just sitting around for a couple hours.

Yes.

That's not a comment.

It is lukewarm.

It is lukewarm.

That is you.

Don't think it's the temperature.

It is part of part of it is the temperature of our bodies.

Dar.

Dar, you have to get up here fast.

I think they're in the vents.

In the ducts in Bargy.

Dar!

I'm in the vents.

Zombies aren't smart enough to get into the vents.

Clearly, it was me.

That was incredible.

Wait a second.

Thank you.

Hold on.

How did you fit into an air duct?

RG's air ducts must be enormous if you can fit.

I mean, I think of air ducts as being, you know, you sort of army crawl a little bit like a Tellurian Mightfield.

I don't have time to be offended by this right now, but I promise you, Plectexeter, I'm going to be very upset about this later.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I guess I just...

It must just be a cavernous

series.

Back to the zombie problem.

Listen, the zombie that cornered me, I managed to get out of my room with the dingle hopper, but I don't know where the zombie is.

Well, you closed the door, right?

No, I just ran out.

Pleck, zombies don't know how to open doors.

You always close the door behind you.

You know, every time you see a zombie, they're like punching through to like grab you as you stand up.

Punching through metal?

Are they punching through metal to grab you?

No, it's usually like a dilapidated wooden shack.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, well, we have a problem now.

Like, now we have to be fully prepared for a jump scare.

What do you mean?

Well, it's still out there.

We don't know where, so at any point now, they're gonna just jump out and

get us.

I mean, yeah, not if we get them first, right?

No, no, no.

We don't do the jump scare.

The zombies do the jump scare.

What if we jump scared them?

That's just that's a turn that I've never heard of.

Well then, okay, how do we avoid a jump scare?

Okay, back to back.

Okay.

and then we're just gonna rotate here.

Actually, if you put these

dust cling sheets under your feet, that way we can just

are you trying to rotate?

Are we swapping right now?

It doesn't hurt to kill two Garfon with one stone, right?

I mean, sure, I guess.

Okay, all right.

Okay, just rotate.

Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.

Okay, oh,

head on a swivel, head on a swivel.

If we're really,

really quiet,

we can probably avoid this jump scare.

My friend isn't interested.

Well, this is just great.

You convinced this poor young man to become a zombie.

Yes, you're right, it is great.

Thank you for acknowledging it.

Finally, after this whole time.

Was some sarcasm?

I was just being facetious.

You know what?

We're not used to that.

Because we've been around.

Yeah, we've been around zombies

for so long.

Hasn't been a lot of sarcasm around these parts.

Get it, parts.

Bottom parts.

They do seem to engage in wordplay.

Yes.

Well, puns.

Puns are natural.

That's a part of the brain that'll never die.

So, you know what?

This is pretty great.

It's pretty great.

You know what?

I know why this drip here isn't letting us on the ship.

He wants his palm greased.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Do you think the barrier between me letting you off the ship to exomify the entire galaxy is a few crew?

Yeah, or, you know, whatever we have lying around.

A bag of teeth.

What have you?

A bag of teeth?

What am I going to do with a bag of teeth?

Put them in your own mouth?

I don't know.

I don't judge what you do with teeth.

You know, some people just like the jingle jangle in their pockets.

You ever fall asleep to the sound of jingling teeth?

No, absolutely not.

I can confirm that has never once happened to me.

A lullaby.

That's what it is, I'll tell you.

Now, so you're saying we can't get on the ship, huh?

You're saying we can't get on.

Okay, we can't get on the ship.

Fair enough, because you know what?

Our new friend here, a lovely ambassador.

That's an ambassador, yes.

So you're gonna get on that ship, and you are going to spread the good word.

Is there a way to unzombie somebody?

Well, yeah, sure.

I mean, there's plenty of ways.

There's a drug, there's a frequency you can play that just automatically unzombifies them.

Sometimes rain does it.

Sometimes rain does it!

Yeah.

Sometimes rain does it?

Well, it depends on the P8.

Oh, my God.

You know what?

We have our lovely ambassador right here.

Yes.

You know, take some tea.

Take some tea.

Well, obviously I'm pretty fuckousy, but nothing else.

And, you know, go forth.

Go forth.

It was so good to meet you, and this is just wonderful.

Yeah, Reginald, bring him a biscuit to go.

Oh,

please, yeah.

Reginald, do it.

And please, you know, if you have any questions about creating your own zombie community, you just, you know where to find us.

You know where to find us.

We'll be right here.

Bam no.

I don't know what his opinion was based on that sound.

He agrees with us.

They all agree with us.

Listen, if you two love zombies so much.

Why aren't you zombies?

Because I didn't trust anyone to do the zombieing for us.

But now we've got this drip.

Might as well.

You know what?

I'm going to call your bluff, robot.

Well, no, no, no.

I, uh, the grandpa, I don't think uh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, grandpa, make your own decision.

I want to think you want to be a zombie.

Go ahead and become a zombie.

I've always wanted to be a zombie.

Look, um,

see, uh, I, uh, I, uh,

it's not hypocritical, as much as I believe there, someone must be uh focused and present to oversee, to make sure that

the flesh pit, you you know, is cleaned out every other day.

Well, it's awfully convenient that the both of you don't have to be zombies.

Hey, I said I am gonna do it.

Big talk!

Big talk, tough guy!

Oh,

well,

say,

are you happy?

I hope you

eat,

eat those,

I hope you eat those words.

Are you happy now?

On some level, get out of here!

Get out of here!

I have to deal with this!

Similarly, I have to deal with this!

Don't worry,

it's been

an excuse.

Don't worry, honey, it might rain soon.

And depending on the rain, we may fix this.

Wait, this is this is my bedroom.

Horsehead?

Horsehead?

Hey, buddy.

How you doing?

Where did you get that spiked zybob hat?

Did you hammer those nails into it yourself?

You know you're too young to be chomping on a cigar like that.

Get that out of your mouth.

Yeah.

Where do all these sandbags come from?

Horse hat, you got a real barricade in here, bud.

Man, we should have come straight in here, Dar.

Well, I mean,

I knew Horse Hat could take care of themselves, but I didn't want to put the pressure on them to have to also take care of us.

Sure, sure.

Oh, they're coming.

They're coming.

Where did you get a gun?

Bargie, Bargie, did you give my baby a gun?

No, I don't believe in guns.

Bargie, where have you been this whole time?

I've been flying the ship, ride the ship.

My name is the Bargarian shit.

No,

I know we were being attacked by zombies in here.

Don't you remember you opened the house?

What's wrong with being friends with zombies?

I don't know.

They just, they weren't our friends.

They were trying to eat our brains.

Remember,

they were all clamoring for tiny tooths?

what'd you say

yeah

okay now that all makes sense see i blacked out because as soon as anyone says that name i go into self-care mode so i completely shut down self-care self-care i'm gonna do it

it's a delayed reaction but i'm gonna do it going into self-care mode

bargie you're worth it you're beautiful

and i'm back oh wow shorter this time it gets it gets better as you as time goes on okay bargie could you could you just um like you want me to get rid of the zombies?

Hey, zombies!

If you wouldn't mind getting into a single line and leaving out of my hatch,

there they go, opening up my hatch.

Goodbye!

You're bringing a zombie on board?

Why?

AJ!

See, now come on, we both split up to worry and responsibilities.

I know, I know.

What I didn't want to count on was that they

would really want to become a zone.

Oh.

Yeah, you know, we did not factor that in, did we?

Okay.

The good news is that the process apparently is reversible.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it's a little indistinct.

As usual specifics, uh, so I'm just gonna have to mess around with this tone generator for a little while.

Oh, ah.

Did that work?

One hertz.

Did that work?

It seems to be just a.

I don't know a whole lot about Hertz.

How many Hertz do we have to go to get through all of them?

Tellerian here.

20 Hertz to kilohertz.

So we might be here for them.

Okay.

Got it.

Oh, wow.

Oh.

Locked out.

What was that?

How many hertz was that?

3.2 kilohertz.

Oh, alright.

Whoa!

Guys, I was a zombie.

Yeah.

AJ,

I'm so glad you're okay.

Why did you do that?

I just felt like the right thing to do at the time, Papa.

Did you enjoy being a zombie?

I didn't hate it.

Now, I hate to point this out, but there are zombie guts everywhere, so if we could all get to swabbing.

This is Sea Red IT5.

Credits and Attributions Joyed commencing After a Protocol.

Pleck Deck Center was played by Alden Ford.

C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent.

Captain Darr was played by Ali Kokesh.

Barge of the Ship, Sisugandu, and the Zombie Who's New at This were played by Mujan Sulfakari.

T-Mob and Rebundeloy, Reginald, and the Zombie with a Crush on Pleck were played by Seth Lynn.

AJ and Zombie AJ were played by Winston Null.

Dr.

Marilyn Warehauser and Dr.

Grandpa Warehouser were played by special guests Naomi Iperegan and Andy Beckerman.

They host the live show and podcast Couples Therapy.

Naomi is recurring on the Apple TV show Mythic Quest and has her very own Comedy Central Half Hour.

And Andy is the host of the long-running popular interview podcast Beginnings.

Follow them at Naomi and Andy on Twitter and at Couples Therapy Pod on Instagram.

This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent with sound design and mixed by Shane O'Connell.

Theme music composed by Brennan Ryan, performed by famous Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Opening craw narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goist.

Audio hosting by Simplecast.

Vision Desix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Speaking of, the Max Max Fund Drive starts next week, so ready yourself for a special related release.

Readers have a lot of problems.

How do you juggle your holes at the library?

How do you decide what to read next?

What do you do when you find out an author you love is a huge trash baby?

I'm Brea Grant and I'm Mallory O'Mara and we're the hosts of Reading Glasses.

We're here to solve all your reader problems and along the way, help you figure out your reader wheelhouse, which are the things that will absolutely make you pick up a book.

Our listener favorites tend to be magic and a woman on a journey.

And also birds for some reason.

Your reader doghouse.

Yeah, that's the things that'll make you avoid a book.

Ugh, love triangles stress me out so much.

Reading glasses.

Every Thursday on maximumfun.org.

Rocket ship one.

This is mission control.

Come in.

This is Rocket Ship One.

Go ahead.

Rocket Ship, what's your status on Max Fun Drive?

Shouldn't we have seen it by now?

Sorry about that mission control.

Turns out I miscalculated.

The current projected ETA for Max Fundrive is

July 13,

but it looks different.

It'll be for

four weeks, so it's longer than expected.

But all readings point to low-key?

Oh, that'll be good.

But can you verify that there are still special gifts for new and upgrading monthly members?

Verified.

Sweet gifts for new and upgrading members, plus amazing new episodes, and even special weekly live streams for charity.

Copy that.

Rocket ship, can you confirm ETA for Max FunDrive?

90% probability of Max Fundrive from July 13th to August 7th.

Dude, you say 90%?

There were a couple of decimal places, and I might have carried a zero wrong.

I'm just gonna pencil in July 13th to August 7th.

Mission control out.

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No, he's got me cornered in my room.

He's shambling towards me.

Pleck, you're fine.

You can outrun a zombie.

No, I have no, I can't get past him.

My room's too small.

He's winking an eye socket and licking his decomposed lips.

No, Pleck, I promise you, the zombie is not attracted to you at once and nothing to do with you.

What?

He's already had his fill of dog.

It he's fine.

You dog?

No, no.

This dick is great.

Perfect dick.

I look forward to you having to dig through that.