L09: O Crabbo! My Crabbo! [LIVE ft. Benjamin Partridge]

This is Sir at IT5 with a special live episode recorded at the 2019 London Podcast Festival.

Season 4 of Mission to Zix is currently gestating in its tube of blue liquid, but if you're a Max Fun member, there's plenty of bonus content to hold you over and more on the way soon.

Jump on board at maximumfun.org/slash donate and get access to exclusive episodes and more.

Now, please enjoy the following live episode featuring the incredible Benjamin Partridge from Max Fun's own Beef and Dairy Network podcast.

Thanks to London Podcast Festival for having us.

This is great.

How's everybody doing?

Yeah.

Very excited to be here.

I have a very important question.

Does anyone not know what the fuck this show is about?

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

Quite a few.

Great.

Uh-oh.

You guys are in for a real treat.

They might be very confused.

We are going to do an all-new, completely improvised episode for you.

And we would like to welcome out our guest.

We're very excited to have him.

You already know him and love him from the Beef and Dairy Network podcast.

Please welcome out Benjamin Partridge.

Very excited.

What a pleasure.

Hiya.

This episode is a lost season three episode for the Continuity Dorks Among You.

This is immediately following the events of Dara's baby shower.

Nermit is on the ship with us, and we are going to do a a mission.

You guys ready?

Alright, let's get started!

Zema Knight, Klek Dexetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat whackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This is Mission to Syncs.

Hey, C53.

Yes.

I finally had some of that cake that Nermit jumped out of?

Yeah.

Delish.

Great.

What?

Were you saving it for any particular reason?

No, it's just full, you know.

So I just kind of kept it in the fridge and I thought, you know, I should try.

And it's good.

And the weird part is, it's like,

it was kind of squished.

Cake sort of squished, and I was like halfway through it.

And I was like, oh, Nermit

was on this.

He wasn't on it.

He was in it.

And I was in it.

I know.

Yeah.

I know, I'm just saying it was.

I felt...

Honestly, when you were in there,

I lost a sock.

Did you encounter a sock?

While you were eating the cake?

Like a layer that was maybe gummier than you expected.

It would be smaller than you expect a sock.

To be.

Sure.

Yeah.

Like this big.

Okay, yeah, thank you.

Well, my point was that I was halfway through the piece of cake and I was like, oh, a bird was on this, and I kept eating it.

And I feel a little weird.

Have you ever been halfway through something and you're sort of like, well, I'm not going to stop.

Um.

Yeah, yeah, I did that.

It was a kill spree.

Hey, what?

It was a kill spree.

We were just, we were clearing out a species, and I was like, should I still be doing this?

And then I just killed the rest of them.

AJ,

what?

It's genocide.

What am I going to do?

Stop?

What?

AJ.

Halfway, you got to go full genocide.

No.

That's what I was taught.

AJ, you should know that just sort of casually referring to genocide puts a lot of people on edge, I guess.

Here.

Wait, you, hold on.

Sorry to interrupt.

My cousin's coming.

You have a cousin who's coming here?

Yes.

Okay.

But I'm not sure I'm familiar with your cousin.

It's Frederick.

Frederick.

I'm sorry, but you have to say it like you're swallowing the words.

Frederick, Frederick, it sounds like a cop, sort of

Frederick.

Okay, yeah, that's fine.

We have a tumultuous relationship.

He's never really believed in what I've done.

He doesn't support my artwork.

He thinks what I do is illegal.

He's quas and I may be a cop.

I don't know.

Wait.

Wait, so he has a, like, tumultuous relationship with you?

Yeah.

That doesn't sound right.

You seem to always have pretty smooth relationships with everybody you have.

Opening up my ass!

You're gonna open it.

Wait.

You got it?

I found my sock.

You just whipped right by you.

Thanks, Barge.

Wait.

Did you eat my cake?

Me?

Yeah, you have frosting all over your mouth.

I ate the piece of cake that was in the fridge.

I was saving that.

The stars baby shower cake.

That nerve it was inside of.

Yeah,

why did you eat that?

I was invited to the shower.

I thought that meant I was entitled to a piece of cake.

It's like when you're invited to a genocide, you're like, we're going to kill every cake.

No.

What?

Nope.

Just me?

It's like etiquette, you know?

You're at a genocide.

You got to.

I really wish you'd stop saying that word.

You can't keep breaking that one out.

What do I do?

Expect you to get away from that.

Why do I keep burning

Let's just imagine there are a bunch of people around that might be uncomfortable by you saying that.

Even I know that's wrong.

Listen,

Parsi, is your cousin here?

Yeah, he's there directly in front of me.

We're doing a nose-to-nose thing.

Oh,

it's a familial thing.

You and your other family of ships, you do directly look inside of their windows, become one, you remember the memories, judges me, tries to get deep inside, see what I've done if I'm guilty.

I don't know.

Oh, wow.

He's right up against us.

Frederick, how has it been going?

You look.

What?

Guilty.

You know, Bargie, you know, I know it's important to keep in touch with your family, but sometimes you have, you know, toxic relationships with family members.

You gotta just, you know, you gotta be okay with just letting you know.

Yeah, we're just bumping into each other.

Oh, God.

Ah!

Nermit, can you just go ahead and tell us something we can do that isn't this?

We might need to get off a part of it.

Yeah, maybe we should go.

Do you have a mission or something we can go?

I was looking at the list of dissidents, and I came across, get this, a crab-o.

Left Sergeant Belmont is a very powerful crab-o.

And, you know, they're all

left sergeant Belmont.

I think it's left sergeant.

Oh, right.

Why would I envision a space?

I don't know.

You're right.

Left sergeant.

Okay.

Belmont.

A powerful Krab-O.

A icy strategist.

And if we can get them on the side of the Zima to defeat the Emperor, just think you could probably rally together all sorts of pilots for the K-fighters you found in Kevin.

Woo!

I mean, we really do need a military strategist.

Crabos are famously one of the most organized fighting forces in the galaxy.

Oh, yeah?

No, this is the kind of guy we need.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, I guess this is.

I'm working on my career, okay?

I'm trying.

I just, I'm going through a lot right now, okay?

I don't have a five-year plan.

I have a week-to-week plan.

Alright, Bargie, good luck with your cousin.

You know, I'm the one flying you, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, also, yeah, could you also drop this off on the Crabbo planet?

Prepare to intake at the Crabbo Planet.

Oh,

yeah.

Yeah, we are, you know,

intergalactic emissaries.

Are we here for business?

We're actually more confident than we appear.

Yeah, listen, we're just here for just a day trip.

We got a business meeting.

We'll be right out.

Absolutely.

So, according to the custom, you will all be married to a partner.

Oh, what?

What?

In the intake of customs, you will be married to a partner.

Hello, I am your new wife.

What?

Oh, congratulations.

I've paired you off.

The robot and the soldier.

Oh, okay.

Mr.

Robot.

Who I would have chosen, but alright.

Okay, and then so that leaves.

That means the big one and the small one.

Dar, I've been thinking about this for, well, now 30 seconds, and I think it's the time to...

Please move along.

Alright.

Yeah.

Guys, what just happened?

Yes, hi.

Hi, I'm Pleck.

Okay, so you know the deal, okay?

At the end of the day, we know exactly what's going to happen.

Okay, that's fine.

So we don't have to get too close, too emotional.

Just what blood type are you?

Where did you come from?

What school did you go to?

Oh, well, I'm a Q-positive.

And I am a regular donor.

Not always on perfect.

Kiss me on my forehead.

Kiss you on your forehead.

Happy to.

Kate?

Yeah.

There we go.

Is that it?

Oh, God!

Standard crab-oh kiss.

Yeah.

I don't even know her name.

What's the what's the thing that happens at the end of the day?

You're saying we all know what happens at the end of the day.

Pretend that maybe some of us, you know,

don't know.

Not me, but

some of us.

Yeah, what happens at the end of the day, Crabbo, unnamed Crabbo, wife?

This dumb guy doesn't know.

Yeah,

listen, should I just call you wife?

Yes.

Okay.

I have a deep story.

There's more to me.

I'm very three-dimensional, but my name is Wife.

Okay.

Fair enough.

Yeah, sounds like it.

I'm sorry, is your name wife, or should I just call you wife?

My name is Wife.

Okay, fair enough.

Maybe we should, you know, wife, would you like to join us?

We're going on a.

I'm busy.

I gotta go.

We'll see you later.

Wow.

I'm complicated.

Oh.

She just scuttled away.

Well, we're still married.

I mean, we'll see each other.

But you don't spend a lot of time with your wife, it doesn't seem like.

Yeah, what's going on with that?

It's not a great foundation for you.

Okay, can we just try to find Left Sergeant Belmont, please?

C-52, do you know where this guy is?

Just calling up a club map.

Oh, look at that.

She's only just a couple blocks away.

Does the beach have blocks?

The beach doesn't have blocks, but these buildings.

Oh.

I'm just looking straight out of the beach.

Didn't see any of the buildings behind it.

I didn't notice the buildings.

Okay.

Yeah.

Seems like you could have turned around and figured that out for yourself.

I mean, I've just been looking at my spouse.

Yeah, for a militaristic society, there's a lot of beach

while we're walking.

I just feel like we ought we this is.

I mean, they're married.

C-53 and AJ are married.

Well, it's sort of a marriage of convenience.

We're pretty casual about it.

Yeah, whatever.

It works for us, okay?

It works for us.

That's our relationship, because that's what we decided.

If you've got a problem with your partner, you need to have a problem.

I don't have a problem with my partner.

Don't project on us.

Don't project your problems onto us.

We have a perfect marriage.

Guys, there's a crab running, scuttling, I would say, towards us.

I heard you married wife.

What?

I heard you married wife.

Oh, yeah.

It wasn't really, it wasn't really my choice.

It was sort of, I think it was a custom.

Did you do the

yeah, yeah.

That's pretty good, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

I was married to her last week.

Oh, yeah,

great, great.

It was a good one.

I'm sorry, maybe you could help us out.

We're actually looking for a left Sergeant Belmont.

What?

Oh.

Oh!

Oh, what?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I don't understand what he's doing.

He's just like opening his arms.

What's the deal?

Maybe I'll point out that he gestured in a way that meant it's him.

Wait, you're Left Sergeant Belmont?

That's great.

What?

No.

Oh, AJ.

No, AJ, come on, AJ.

Left Sergeant, left Sergeant Belt, where actually...

You know, crappos are

very tasty.

You said that right in front of him.

No.

No, seriously, it's uh it's okay.

We know we're tasty.

It's kind of a tragedy that's inherent to our species.

What that you're delicious?

We're delicious, especially with a kind of butter glaze show.

Yeah, yeah.

No, talk more about it.

What other condiments are you tasting in?

Ew,

big,

big, sweaty,

meaty-looking.

Okay.

Listen.

Listen, I'm sorry, Left Sergeant.

Don't hold me back.

Don't hold me back.

Darn, you're just getting very close to Left Sergeant here.

It's okay.

It's something we have to live with as a species.

We're delicious, but you aren't allowed to eat us.

Yeah, sure, good.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Absolutely.

I mean, we came here to meet you because we know that you are a dissident against the Emperor.

That's true, yes.

And we need your sort of like

icy strategic military mind to help us take him down.

Do I seem that way to you?

No.

No.

That's actually a good point.

We better got some bad intel or something.

Yeah,

Sergeant Belmont, I sort of was under the impression this was a very strictly militaristic community.

Okay,

that's racist.

Papa, come on.

I mean, this guy seems to know racism.

Yeah, I absolutely know it.

If you've committed genocide, you get it.

You know what I mean?

What?

AJ.

AJ.

We are going to talk about this later.

I guess, sure.

Listen, people have preconceptions about crabbos.

They think we're all militaristic.

They think we're harming.

Yummy.

Super, super yummy.

That too?

Huh.

Some of us are soft.

That's like a small soft show, Crabbo.

That's right.

Okay.

I like poetry.

I like music.

I like fucking.

Okay.

Sorry, CV,

do you know what that fucking means?

What is that?

Fucking.

It's a regional group.

Some people say that instead of jucking.

Oh, okay.

Sounds weird, but.

Yeah.

Oh, weird.

That's a dumb word.

Why would you ever say?

Why would you ever...

Fucking sounds like a made-up word.

Yeah, no, I agree.

Sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Left Sergeant.

It's okay.

Listen, you're married to wife, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, looking at the position of the 27 sons above us,

very warm.

It's so hot.

By the time the 14th sun reaches the 22nd sun, you have to have consummated that marriage.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

That's part of it.

Yeah, that's a law.

That's from the emperor himself.

Wait,

the marriage thing is like an edict?

Yeah.

What happened?

It's not the same way you are?

No, no, no.

This is the only planet where we found that to be true.

Okay, so you wake up in the morning, you have to find a partner, you have to marry that partner,

you've got to fuck the partner, as you call it.

Joke.

Joke, yeah.

Sounds silly to me, but.

It's good, though, that we can communicate in a common language.

I know, it's amazing, yeah.

Yeah, I don't even know where that sounds coming out of, but it's

a flap.

Yeah.

Sure.

Anyway, uh you have to marry.

You have to consummate that marriage.

You have to buy furniture together.

Oh boy.

Okay.

But you have to build the furniture together?

Yes.

And then, of course, because you've done that, there is a divorce.

You have to naturally.

Yeah,

you've got to amicably divide that furniture.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Does everyone on the planet get married and divorced in the same day?

Yeah.

Every day?

Yeah.

So you'll be divorced later today.

Wow.

Okay.

You guys, are you guys trustworthy people?

I don't think so.

I don't think so.

I mean, again, because I kind of feel like they want to eat me.

I do.

I absolutely do.

Let's be honest.

And this guy wants to kill everyone in my species.

I mean, just

not know what genocide is.

Yeah, you know.

AJ, stop saying that.

Yeah.

AJ, take out.

He's doing that shrug thing right now.

I learned it from him.

Uh-huh.

Love Sergeant Belmont, I promise you no harm will befall you.

You know, we will not let AJ shoot anyone on this planet.

Okay.

The reason for the marriage and divorce thing is that the Emperor.

The Emperor of this planet.

Yes.

Yeah.

Sub-Emperor from our perspective.

Sure.

Captain Phillips.

Right.

Right.

Yeah.

We've all heard Captain Buffalo.

Oh, are we?

We all know Captain Phillips.

Yeah.

A lot of emperors go by Captain.

Right.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Does he.

Oh, right, you or?

Do you remember when he, like,

I remember he's seen the.

Do you know about this?

I do.

Just humor me.

I remember when he ascended the throne and he was like, I'm the captain now.

Okay, all right.

Alright.

So, Captain Phillips, the Emperor.

He did decide to change his name to Emperor Phillips?

Sorry, what do you mean?

His name is Captain Phillips, and he is the Emperor.

Okay, fair enough.

What's hard to understand about that?

I think I've explained it pretty thoroughly.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

His first name is Captain?

Oh, his second name is Phillips.

That's why he's like, I'm the captain now.

But he isn't a captain.

His first name is Captain.

Right.

I know, and he was the captain, right?

Right.

I'm no longer a captain.

I'm.

No,

he's called captain.

Right.

Right.

But he's not a captain.

I think we're saying the same thing.

Are we not?

All right.

You're in the same way where we're like, you're a man.

If you became an embryo, you'd be the man.

Sure.

You could be a captain, but then if you became everybody.

No, okay.

I think I'm getting.

I think I'm getting that.

Let's like.

You and Captain.

Yeah, I was for five to ten minutes.

Please, Bleck.

Bleck.

Yeah, I'm too consummate.

Oh, oh, wow.

Honestly, it felt the same when

we weren't married.

I know, just like

you get the instructions out of the box, and then you put out the furniture pieces.

And then you build the furniture.

Yeah, and then you check.

Wait, we did it out of order.

Well, AJ,

I've checked,

and they're going to let us off the hook on the consummation thing because you have no genitals.

Yeah, I don't have genitals.

Yeah.

There's other things we could do.

I mean, we could fool around.

I don't know.

Here.

AJ, I mean, you know, it's not skinny off my nose.

That's up to you.

No, I don't know.

I mean, whatever you want to do.

I mean, this guy, didn't he have a secret he wanted to tell us?

Oh, that's right.

Oh, we got so distracted by the furniture on the back game.

It's been an hour.

No joke.

And you've sort of been kind of hopping on either either little

foot?

What do I want to say?

What?

I guess.

But you still want to tell us your secret, right?

Oh, sure.

So, um.

Sorry, thanks for waiting.

Sure.

We had a lot of business we were all working out.

Guys, guys, guys, guys.

If wife asks where I am, no one tell her.

Okay?

Did you...

No, well,

she was like, okay, I'm going to lay two and a half million eggs here, and then you just fertilize them.

And I was like, sure thing, I'll get right to it.

So she took off, but if she asks, tell her I did it.

Wait, so you just killed all those eggs?

No, what?

No, I just.

That's a genocide.

No, no.

No.

No, no.

I didn't kill them.

I just didn't fertilize them.

So they're going to.

The first one's always the one you remember.

What?

Yeah, you don't remember the rest, but the first one you're like, wow, this is messed up.

Pleck, also, I have to say,

starting your relationship on this foundation of lies is just

not good for the future.

You should probably go back and, you know, on this one.

No, I don't.

First of all, I don't even know how I would do that.

Oh, please.

Oh,

can I be the one to tell them?

Oh, no.

Please.

You know what?

Please have the secret.

Okay, yeah.

Let's just.

Let's come back to it.

We will talk later, Pleck.

Okay, I don't have to want to do that.

That is the parenting conversation I'm excited about.

Okay.

I mean, I can teach you to fertilize two and a half million eggs.

Ah, yeah.

That was your secret?

Oh, that's no secret.

I'll do that in front of anyone.

Listen, Belmont.

What's the secret?

Okay.

So the Emperor.

Captain.

Captain Phillips.

He began as a very virtuous and well-meaning emperor.

He was a fantastic guy.

The whole planet planet was wonderful.

Sounds like everything's good.

It's a setup, AJ.

He's setting up the residual.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, he doesn't.

Okay.

And I wish, AJ, that it stayed that way.

So do I.

It sounds like it's going to.

Just the first part of the story.

And then?

Oh, no.

Why did you tell me everything was fine?

Context for the story.

I don't.

Okay.

Do you know what a story is, AJ?

No, keep going.

AJ?

AJ?

Okay.

Oh, they're making out.

The Emperor had a wife.

Sounds good.

Uh-huh.

Cool.

AJ, can you just turn off the speaker on your head?

Okay, cool.

Called Boot.

And

Captain Phillips and Boot had a wonderful relationship, and then he met another woman.

I say woman, I of course mean female crabbo.

Yeah.

Who's.

Oh, was she covered in mayonnaise?

I know it's a regional thing.

You can do mayo or hot butter, but I'm not picky.

Again, I would ask you, out of respect to me, to stop consuming my body.

I'm only doing it with my eyes right now.

Anyway,

he had learned the pleasures of the flesh.

He began

playing away.

He began having affairs.

People began to criticize him for having affairs.

They were saying we shouldn't have an emperor who has affairs.

So he changed the law.

That every day you must marry a different person and have a different partner every day.

And so his behavior was not just virtuous, it was legal.

And it was imposed on all of us.

Wow.

And that's why you've had to marry wife.

But so.

You're changing how people get married just because you're in charge.

I can't believe that would ever happen.

What kind of messed-up place would allow that?

All right, CV3, you're doing that thing with your arms.

Hey,

Sergeant, I really love that story.

It had a beginning, a middle, and an end.

And I was captivated the entire time.

Kudos to you

and to everyone involved.

Is that okay without an info response?

That was very nice.

Thank you.

That's good.

And that was the first story you've ever heard.

Right.

But yeah, was that the secret?

Well.

Well, dude, what the junk is happening?

Why are we listening?

We needed the emotional context.

Okay.

listen.

What's the secret?

Listen to me.

I want to introduce you to someone.

Hello.

There she is.

She's been hiding beneath my flaps this entire time.

Wow.

Her name is Jira.

She's been my wife for six months.

What?

Twelve?

Left Sergeant.

How how are you able to get away with this?

Well, we do it in secret.

She can never be seen in public apart from now because I trust you guys.

I don't really trust you so much.

Okay.

Sure, yeah.

Where did you get that bib, darling?

That, like, plastic.

I always wear this plastic bib.

I don't think I've ever seen you with that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I always wear this plastic bib, and I always wear this.

I don't think I've ever seen that.

I've never seen you wear that.

Hi, I'm.

I'm Jiro.

I'm, uh.

What's that?

Shh, shh.

I'm not supposed to be in public.

we actually had a debate about who's the one who's gonna be in public and who's gonna be the one hiding, and whoops, it was me.

I got that one.

That's fine.

Cause I am.

That's cool that is the guy that's in public.

And uh.

The thing is, is um

I love him.

It's really beautiful.

And I've uh you're not supposed to do that here.

You're just supposed to be with one person and on to the next and on to the next.

And are you teeing up with story?

What's going on?

No, I think it's just a little bit more.

Do you think she's just talking?

And do you know the reason that we know we're in love?

We went to the furniture store.

Yeah.

We bought a flat-pack cabinet.

I thought I had it.

And we put it together.

Yeah.

And it was fine.

Wow.

Wow.

That didn't lead to a relationship destroying.

We didn't even look at the instructions.

What?

No.

Didn't even use the enclosed Allen key?

No!

What are you talking about, David?

How is that possible?

All the wood just sit together like it was meant to be.

That's right.

Wow.

We use the Allen key, if you know what I'm saying.

Alright.

But if somebody finds out about me, well,

you know what'll happen.

No, I don't think we do know.

Wait, what's the punishment for not getting divorced at the end of the day?

If Emperor Captain Phillips finds out that me and Giro are in love,

I have to eat Giro.

What?

What?

Hell yeah.

Again,

we had a debate about who would be the one eating who, and again, like, whoops, I'm the one who got that one again, but it's okay because we were in love.

Both of you, those arguments, you lost.

I'm pretty overbearing.

Wow.

You know, that's terrible.

That's a.

I have to see him be with other people just so we can pretend we're still part of the society.

So do you get fake married to other crabbos to keep the illusion up?

Every day I get married to a different crabbo, but I know that Jira's the one I really love.

Aww.

Wow.

Obviously, it's a real bind that I have to consummate every marriage, every day.

Yeah, I gotta suck!

Yeah, well, well, you're consummating the marriage, but is Jira, like, still in the flap?

She's in the flap.

I'm listening to music now!

Pelmon, maybe there's something we can do to help.

You know, maybe you can come with us and get off of the planet.

You can avoid the rules of Emperor Captain Phillips.

The problem is, as soon as I leave this planet, my flaps will dry up.

Oh, yeah, it's very humid here because of all the suns.

Okay.

Listen, I could survive if you basted me constantly.

We'd baste you?

Well, the water would dry up so quickly.

You'd be better off using like a sort of herb butter.

Maybe an olive oil.

Why are the herbs important?

The herbs.

Just keep it fresh.

I do love keeping it fresh.

Listen.

Jira gets quite

funky under that.

Okay.

Do you want to speak to that?

Yeah, I get real funky.

Oh, I get funky.

Just like smells you've never seen.

Well, yeah.

I'm doing fine.

Okay.

Alright, nobody said otherwise.

Guys,

listen, Left Sergeant Velmont,

can I just talk to C3 and Dar and the rest of the crew just for a second?

We call this an aside.

So we all go by ourselves and

we whisper to each other over here.

You are aware of some narrative devices, just not

stories.

Not stories.

Okay,

we just want.

Can I just have one second?

We do that too, but we call it an inside.

Oh, sure.

Why?

Yeah.

Inside.

Inside.

Yeah, we'll just go.

We'll just step over here.

Okay, listen, C53.

I feel like,

on one hand, I want Belmont to be with Jira if he wants to be, but I also feel like their relationship is a little chucked up.

Great.

Yeah, I know.

He's kind of a jerk.

I feel like I should eat him.

Darn, that seems.

I think we can find a solution that doesn't involve any of us eating any of other us.

Guys, look.

There's a.

Is that an Imperial cruiser?

It says Captain Phillips.

No, Emperor Captain Phillips.

Did you just see the Emperor part?

How did you not read that?

It's.

I.

Well, in fairness, you can see the ship says Captain Phillips sort of hastily scrolled Emperor in front of him in a different form.

Okay, Nermit,

you just gave me an idea.

What's that?

What if, now just bear with me.

Okay.

In order to change these laws, we might have to go aboard that Imperial ship.

And eat him.

No, no, no.

And hijack the ship.

Listen.

I'll go aboard.

I'll go ahead and capture the ship from Captain Philip.

Listen.

Bear with me.

What if one of us, what if one of us was to go up and be like, I'm the captain now?

You're talking crazy.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You know who could infiltrate Emperor Captain Philip's ship?

I believe he's elected himself to that position.

Okay.

Wow, that was so easy.

Yeah, no guards on this ship.

Very trusting species.

I mean, I guess everybody's sort of busy, like, fighting and jucking and fertilizing and breaking up, building furniture.

I thought this was a militaristic society.

There's nobody around.

Again,

that's deeply racist.

These are old-fashioned stereotypes.

We've moved on.

Okay, alright, alright.

I guess we just go in.

Is Emperor Captain Phillips in this?

He's probably at that big steering wheel.

Ah, yeah!

Seems to really beloved.

Ah!

Nothing like the open sea.

Now that's racist.

The Imperial Crabo Navy.

How's this going again?

No?

Okay.

Wow, he sounds weird, right?

He sounds different than you.

Yeah, it's interesting.

I think he grew up on a different planet.

And then he's trying to do our action, but

no one is not convinced.

I do not like it for Captain Phillips.

I'll tell you.

No one can know.

No one can know that I grew up on a different planet.

He knew it right away.

What?

Who are you?

Whoa.

Who are you?

We're here with Belmont, and you've got

company.

You should have said that far more confidently.

Who the fuck are you?

It's a very weird word.

I mean,

how dare you?

Sorry,

I don't.

My accent's the secret that I don't tell anyone.

This is your original accent?

Yeah, this is it, right here.

Why can't you just be yourself more?

Because I feel like, you know, I'm the captain now.

It's so

stressful to have to kind of puff myself up and do this accent.

And as you notice, I have this giant...

funny hat and a big feather in it, you know.

But inside,

inside, it's like there's somebody else inside of me.

Do you know how that feels?

Do you?

Yeah, and you're like, but I want to fertilize it as well.

Belmont, don't forget to usurp him.

Yeah, Belmont, Belmont, stay on target, man.

Hey, hi!

Whoa!

Hi there!

It's me, Jira.

You know me.

I was one of your wives one time, right?

Jira, oh, you look great.

And maybe you should deal with some issues that you've been letting go for many years, which has affected the rest of society.

Oh no.

Oh.

Yeah, you're right.

There's some issues I need to deal with on my own.

And so I should probably

take off this funny hat.

I will crown a new emperor, and I'll crown the person who's given it to me straight.

It's you, Jira.

They'll put this funny hat on you.

What?

What?

Yes.

What?

Yes, you're the captain now.

This feels bad.

Exactly.

Heavy is the head that wears the funny hat.

Oi!

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

News are in the land.

So the thing is,

Jira,

obviously, you're now, like, officially speaking the Emperor and you're in charge of the whole planet.

But as your husband, I'm still still kind of.

Oh, now they're a bunch of guards.

Please, please, please, what's going on?

In this past six months, for the five things you actually know about me.

Oh, boy.

How many things do I have to tell you?

Five!

Okay, you smell kind of funky.

You're really into tennis?

That's right.

It's a classic cravo game.

We just side-to-side motion.

Yeah, it's side-to-side motion.

Very good.

And we use our cloppers just to like.

You're really into

line dancing?

I love it.

Again.

Similar reason.

Back and forth.

It's easy.

Two more.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You really into my

Allen key?

We never used one.

I think that might have been metaphorical.

Oh, yes, it is.

And I guess your favorite food

is.

I guess I.

It's you!

Oh, no, what?

You're so delicious.

Oh, they're covering in butter sauce.

Whoa, no, no, no, no, no, please, please, please.

No, eat me.

No, no, I'm gonna eat you, and she's gonna eat him.

Oh, just cracked right through the shell.

My clopper!

Shhh!

No, just please kill me.

Don't eat me alive!

Oh, it's better when it's this, friend.

Please, out of respect for me and my body.

Like, please don't eat my body in the way you're eating my body.

I feel like this plan really backfired.

I was trying to

save a relationship, and I sort of made cannibalism happen.

Guys, I realized we left AJ on the beach.

Okay, Plex, so masturbation.

I don't know.

No, it actually turned out I had to get divorced when we exited customs on the way off the planet, so I'm you don't have to explain any of this to me anymore.

Hey, C50, hey, uh, C-53.

Yeah.

We had a good run,

you and I.

Honestly, one of the best marriages I've ever been a part of.

Yeah.

You respected my space, and I think you're good.

I was a little pissed off that you guys left me on the beach for the climax, but would marry again.

Yeah, same.

Yeah, great.

Hey, Nermit.

Yeah.

How do you feel about having to be divorced from Dar on your way off the planet?

I feel like it's better to have loved and lost and gotten a small bureau

than to have never loved nor had a bureau.

Beautiful.

Hey, Frederick.

Hero.

Oh, hey, Bargie, how's it going with your cousin?

Hey, I just wanted to say, I'm so glad you came over.

I'm glad we talked things out.

I told you everything about the crew.

I gave you all the information you needed.

Right.

Wait, you told him about us?

Yep.

Yeah.

All right, fanfic.

This is C-Red IT5, credits and attributions droid, commencing outro protocol.

Pop-up plaque deck center was played by Alden Ford.

C-53 was played by Jeremy Benz.

Star was played by Allie Kokash.

Margie the Shift and Wife and Jira were played by Bujan Solfagari.

Master Missions Operations Manager Nerman Bundaloy and Frederick were played by Steph Lynn.

AJ and Emperor Captain Phillips

were played by Winston.

Left Sergeant Belmont was played by special guest comedian Benjamin Partridge.

The own podcast, Beef and Dairy, can be heard wherever you listen to podcasts, but also including BBC Radio 4.

This episode was sound design and mixed live by Shadow Ponal.

Recorded at the London Podcast Festival in London.

Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by famous Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Hosting crawl narration by Jeremy Crudley, ship designed for the Barbarian Jade by Eric Goise, audio hosting by Simplecast.

And finally, Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

And a special thank you to our audience here at the Lobby Podcast Festival.

Thank you so much for coming out to the show.

Thanks again to Benjamin for guesting.

Have a great night.

Bye, everybody.

This week on Bullseye, Lynn Manuel Miranda on his dark materials, hip-hop, and life after Hamilton.

I know it's the first line of my obituary.

So if that line is handled, then what else can I do with my time here?

It's Bullseye for maximumfun.org and NPR.

Hey, it's Jesse Thorne.

We're very happy to announce that tickets for Max FunCon 2020 will go on sale Friday, November 29th at 11 a.m.

Pacific.

I also want to let you know, this coming year, Max FunCon 2020, will be our last MaxFunCon for the foreseeable future.

For 2020 and beyond, we're going to be looking for ways to connect with more of you in person and spread the spirit of MaxFun farther than it's ever gone before.

In the meantime, if you want to join us at the last Max Fun Con in Lake Arrowhead, June 12th through the 14th, you can find details at maxfuncon.com.

MaximumFun.org, comedy and culture, artist-owned, audience-supported.

So, we'd like to get you guys involved in our process.

And what we'd like to do is use you as sound in our next season, which is coming up.

And perhaps in the future, we may have ghosts.

You know, we haven't done ghosts yet, but it's possible.

You never know.

That's not real.

Shane doesn't have any ghost sounds yet.

We need some ghost sounds.

So, on the count of three, you guys can be like ghosts being a little shocked and disappointed.

Like, oh no!

Wait a week.

We don't need the ghosts.

Are they the ghosts yet?

They're not

the normal people who saw a ghost.

No, no, no.

No.

They're the ghosts.

They themselves are shocked.

Shocked ghosts.

Like, you're a ghost who just, I think I saw a living person.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's right.

A ghost gets shocked.

Are you excited for season four yet?

Great.

All right.

So on the count of three, one, two, two, three.