L07: Us, Robots [LIVE ft. Dru Johnston]

This is Sea Red IT5.

Thanks to our generous supporters on Maximum Fun, we are now releasing special monthly episodes in the off-season.

For even more off-season releases and to join the heroes who make Mission to 6 possible, become a supporter at maximumfun.org slash donate.

And now, enjoy the Season 2 Era live performance featuring returning guest Drew Johnston.

How's everybody doing tonight?

Yeah!

Oh my god!

This is great.

This is an awesome crowd.

Thank you so much for coming out to Littlefield.

I'd like to introduce our amazing guest.

You want to meet him?

Yeah, great.

I'm Alvin Ford, by the way, a playplec deck setter.

Please welcome out to the stage Jeremy Lett, C-53.

Dar, played by Ali Kokesh.

Nerman Bundaloy, Seth Lind,

the ship of stars, dreamer of the land, Margeria Jade, Mujahidez Elvigari.

Every other character character in the galaxy, including Clint and Bino, Winston Knoll, ladies and gentlemen.

Give it up for our amazing sound designer, Shane O'Connell.

Yeah.

Yes.

This is us.

We have.

NBCs.

NBCs, this is us.

Wouldn't that be a weird cross-promotion?

Doesn't matter what the show is.

Just say this is us at the end of it.

We've got a really great show.

You guys ready to get started?

Yeah.

Okay, we're going to do a brand new lost episode from season two please welcome to the stage our very special guest for this episode Drew Johnson ladies and gentlemen

all right let's get started

it is a period of civil war

the rebellion against the sinister and corrupt federated alliance grows stronger and the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance now rebel emissary pleck deckseta and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This

is mission to 6.

Hey, C53?

Yes!

I had a really weird dream last night.

Oh.

I had a dream that, like, we were all on the ship

and we were like.

That's pretty normal so far.

Okay, well, it gets weirder.

Okay, I'm trying to set the stage.

We were standing around

Bino,

okay,

and we were all really sad.

Anyway, that was the weird part, though, is that we were sad and weird.

We don't love it when people explain their dreams.

They don't love it.

I'm sorry, Bino.

Interesting.

We don't love it.

Maybe it means something, you know?

Maybe, but probably not.

Beetle, you ready?

Mm-hmm.

Beeno's got a line of interns for me to

interview.

What?

I printed out my resume.

I'm ready for

the silver.

Sorry, Bargie.

Bargie.

Yeah.

Bargie, hold on.

Gotta delegate.

What?

Gotta delegate.

Sorry, I just couldn't hear you, Vino.

Vino, now.

Bargie.

What is it exactly that the intern will do?

I'm sorry, are you also interviewing for the role?

Because

I work here, all right.

It's just that you're asking all the questions that I had prepared, and you're just like totally ruining

it.

Yeah, you know what?

I really

have this internship.

C53, let's go look at stuff in the cargo bay.

Oh, there's a couple interns in there, too.

Oh, no.

My greatest weakness is I'm too detail-focused.

Oh, no.

That's my greatest weakness.

That's mine.

That's mine.

I've seen such small details.

My father works for the Red Ballian, and he said, I'm totally going to get this job.

Photoshopped a photo of me inside of another ship.

How'd the interview go, Bargie?

I'll give it to all of them.

You can just be in that room, the smallest room.

No, actually, that's my room.

Yeah, I know.

Just like you can all just stay in there.

Okay.

There's a lot of copies of they teen in here.

It's a subscription.

I, you know, I don't like to throw it away until I've read all the articles.

You know, you can cancel a subscription.

Yeah, I know.

But I like it.

Emissary Deck Center, I have an incoming transmission from Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundalo.

Okay.

Hey, Nermit.

Hey, guys.

Oh, I just woke up.

And then you called us?

Yeah, well.

You're allowed to, like, get your day started before.

Really?

I can pause?

Well, not now.

You've followed us.

I just...

I had the craziest dream.

Yeah, it was so crazy.

What happened?

So...

Pleck was on the ship.

Crazy.

Then I woke up.

That was all that happened in the dream?

No, it was weird that so little happened.

My dreams, like, have at least three events.

This one, arguably not an event.

I guess it's a little one.

Yeah, well,

I mean, that is very

hours.

Oh.

Want a mission?

Yeah, sure.

I'll take a mission.

Okay, so get this, guys.

This is gonna be pretty insane.

Do you guys know General Almost?

General Almost?

Yes, yeah.

General Almost.

One of the most powerful generals of one of the most militant societies, possibly.

Wait, sorry, Nerman.

Should Dar be here for this mission briefing?

Because I haven't actually seen him.

Why are you looking like that?

So, Dar

is writing a novel about us.

Is it called This Is Us?

Yes, it is.

That's the title of the novel.

I think it's gonna start strong.

Wow.

Alright.

Anyway, Dar's probably, you know, writing a novel is a really big deal, so Dar's probably in their room.

Just scribble,

hey, Dar.

What?

I'm working on my grief porn in here.

Oh.

We're actually getting a mission if you want to come on out.

Okay, I'll let the muses leave me.

Those are the other interns.

So sorry, I'm so sorry.

Sorry.

So yeah, Dar.

Hey, Dar.

good luck in the novel.

And, yeah, General Almost, General of one of the most militant planets not associated with the Federated Alliance, quite possibly recruitable by us to the rebellion.

Boom, boom, boom.

Coordinates.

I'm sorry, has General Almost gotten over the death of his perfect father?

I don't think that's.

I don't think anyone can get over the death of their perfect father.

At least not for three seasons.

Right.

Yeah.

Oh, I get it.

I have got it.

You know, what this is.

Oh, boy.

Wow.

It's a very regimented, clean plan.

I guess I would have expected this is a military planet.

I was kidding about it being a military plan.

I was just marching everywhere.

Yeah.

I am

not a droid.

Would you like to see General Romo's?

Uh, follow me?

Yeah, absolutely.

Okay.

I am not a droid.

100% authentic.

I can sort of see through her channel.

The weather today is 78 degrees, Felpius.

I'm sorry,

Felpius.

Felpius.

Wow.

Yeah.

No, I could tell.

You know, eyes that light up for a while.

is it?

Who's outside my office?

Just peering through a little slat in the door.

Hi, uh, hey, you can see through the slat.

Who are you?

Uh, sorry, I I'm Emissary Pleck Dex, Center of C-53, and Dar, uh, where uh we we arranged a meeting through uh the rebellion.

Of course.

Yeah, we were just trying to see if you'd perhaps be interested in joining the rebellion, you know, to stand up against the federated alliance.

It might actually be easier if you just open the door.

Okay

Wow,

thank you.

My name is General Edward James Almost

Wow

Okay,

that's my name.

Yeah, no, we got it

I don't think anyone missed it.

No, no, okay.

Oh, General Almost, uh, thanks for taking this meeting.

Are you a robot?

Am I a robot?

What's your name?

Pleck Dex, Emissary Pleck Dexter.

Pleck Dex Center?

Yeah, that's right.

I gotta tell you, you gotta watch out on this planet.

We Tellurians, we created robots.

They rebelled.

They took over.

Some of them look like Tellurians.

Oh.

You can never tell who's a Tellurian and who's a robot.

You could usually tell me that.

Yeah, I feel like.

I don't want to.

Yes.

Pleck?

Sorry.

Black, can I see you over here real quick?

Yeah, of course.

Okay.

Wow.

He pulled it.

He pulled Pleck into an aside right away.

It just feels like that's kind of awesome.

Black.

Yes.

I'm very good at telling who's a robot and who's not.

Your friend C53 is a robot.

Yeah.

Yeah, he is.

Do you know how I can tell?

You know what?

C53.

Yo.

Very small office.

C-55.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, I should have told you.

Give us just a second.

C-53, are you a robot?

Yes, I'm a robot.

See, I can tell.

Very good.

I'm very good.

That's why I'm a general.

I'm so good at knowing who are robots and who are not, and who's coming to take over.

Hold on.

Anyone can be a robot.

Okay, all right.

General, I have brought you your coffee.

Thank you.

I have had coffee before.

Oh, yum, yum.

Goodbye.

See?

You can tell that she's not a robot.

But she's had coffee before, and coffee, robots can't have coffee.

Watch this, C-53.

Hot coffee.

Nope.

Oh, no.

Why did you throw a hot coffee at me?

Why did you get that?

If it was a Tellurian, it would have drank that hot coffee.

Oh,

it would have

opened its mouth and caught the hot coffee.

Don't.

Don't belittle me, robot.

Okay, all right, all right.

All right.

Hey, hey.

Oh,

stick.

I've got a gun.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, General Almost.

I've got a big gun, and this gun is

Tellurian.

Okay, all right.

This gun is not a robot.

Okay, all right, all right, all right.

You should die, you dirty robot.

Okay, all right, all right, all right, all right, listen, listen, General Want.

General Almost, listen, we are not here to start any issues with you.

We don't have any beef.

We want to.

I got a little beef.

Okay, well, we sort of do now, but the.

You can't have beef.

You're a robot.

Watch this, beef.

Where are you getting that?

Where did you just pull a slab of beef from?

I have some sitting in my drawer in case a robot comes in.

I think before we ask you for help, General, we need to maybe offer to help you.

What is happening on this planet, and is there anything we can do?

All right, I'll tell you.

But that one needs to leave.

Listen, I'll leave.

I'll step outside.

But before I go, beef.

Oh, wow.

He was as good as his work.

Okay.

What do you think I do most of the time?

I practice eating flying coffee and beef, sometimes at the same time.

And it doesn't affect me well because I am a Tellurian and not a robot.

I don't think that's good for you.

You wouldn't know.

I can still do things, even if I'm not a.

You know what?

I'm just gonna thank you, C53.

Wow.

Okay, if you just go underneath.

Oh, wow.

Good job, guys.

Listen, General Almost, what happened to this planet?

How did robots take over?

It was a terrible, terrible time.

My perfect father.

Oh, boy.

Created.

Oh, no.

I have a perfect father.

He died a while ago, three seasons ago.

Absolutely.

You can do it.

You can do it.

I'm gonna take out my typewriter and just don't mind me.

Okay.

My perfect father made my perfect father made a new prototype of a robot.

A super intelligent robot.

It's called a Skylon.

S

C Y L O N

That's what he called it.

He was perfect, so I had to spell it right.

He created

C53.

I think you would just say Cylon, right?

You know,

C-53.

You need to calm down.

Thank you.

He created an ultra-sensitive, an ultra-insane robot that could mimic.

Soon, they rebelled.

They evolved.

They have a plan to take over.

They're going to kill every single Tellurian on this planet, and they look like us sometimes.

What happened to your dad?

Oh, what happened to my dad?

Well, me and my two siblings, I think.

One is a different race, I think.

Oh, no.

No, I think this is what.

We would, our friends, me, we would would always say, this is us.

That's all we would say constantly.

Uh-huh.

No, this is very good.

This is working for us.

Okay, good, good.

My husband, I am checking to see what time you will come home tonight.

Oh, hello, honey.

Oh, no.

What?

This is my wife.

Oh, no.

My darling husband.

How are you, Tellurian wife?

This is my Tellurian wife.

How are you, Tellurian wife?

I am doing dot dot dot

good

Sounds like something's on her mind.

What's on your mind

my darling husband?

I need you to look over these papers

Thank you tellurian wife

All right, I can look yes, I'll give you all the information.

Okay, those coordinates that you asked for are 72.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

What?

General almost.

Your Tellurian wife just printed a fax out of her midsection.

Yeah.

Can I just ask, before you finish those coordinates,

what are those for?

The coordinates are for a special reactor

that I found.

That they were asking for.

Actually, you know what?

Let me read those coordinates for you.

Just in case.

Fine, if you're really a Tellurian, you read it.

Yep, okay.

Alright.

765-48239.

17 degrees.

15.

Did you just want to prove you could read?

Why did you do that?

Just giving you those coordinates to that special reactor.

I'm sure that's where it is, because those are definitely the numbers written on this piece of paper.

Thank you.

I will kiss you on the mouth like Tellurians do.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

That's our first first half.

We'll be back in ten minutes.

Get a drink.

We'll see you soon.

Listen, general, almost, uh, I.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news,

but

your wife is a robot.

What?

Yeah.

Tellurian wife, step out in a second.

I need to clear something up.

I'm sorry, you're just gonna have to.

You're gonna have to crawl up my front and then over my head to get out of here.

Oh, no, wow.

Oh, she was a gymnast.

I don't.

I don't think so.

General almost.

How dare you?

How dare you insinuate?

I've got a gun.

Listen, shoot me if you must, but I know that the thing you care about.

This is not something

right.

I should have said that.

Please, okay, please don't shoot me.

I'm trying to help you.

Robots are trying to take over your planet, right?

General Almost, I'm going to ask you a big favor, okay?

Can you just trust me for a second?

Okay.

I'm going to bring C-53 back in here.

He is a robot,

but he's my friend.

He knows better than any of us what robots are like.

Better than anybody?

Well, second to you, I guess.

Thank you.

Okay,

all right.

All right, CFID, come on in.

Can you?

Yeah, I'm just.

Okay.

Okay,

it's just and

there we go.

General, I apologize for how I behaved.

Before it was a little brusque on my part, and for that.

I am sorry.

Apology accepted.

Okay, well,

all right.

I feel like this is a positive step in Tellurian droid relations.

Now, listen, if we we can help you out, because I'm a Tellurian, so I get Tellurians.

And I'm a druid, so I get droids.

And Dar is writing a book.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're an author?

Yes.

Very cool.

That's why I'm doing it.

Very cool.

Thank you.

I guess I'm a little surprised to find out you're a reader.

Like a big book.

Of course, I'm a reader.

Okay.

I love all the books.

All the books?

Name a book, and I'll tell you if I've read it and if I like it.

Sure.

but it's the star's fault if you read that one.

I did, and I don't think it was the star's fault.

I think it was the robot's fault.

Fair enough.

Disagreed with the premise immediately.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Have you read the elderly gentleman and his starship?

I did.

It won the.

Yeah, it won an award.

You did?

Yeah, I like that one, okay.

Okay.

Sorry, I just wanted to come in and give you your coffee.

Thank you.

Wait.

Yes?

I've never seen you before.

Oh, I'm new here.

I'm a new intern.

Are you a Tellurian or are you a robot?

I'm a Tellurian.

We're doing a robot test.

I'm shooting you in the head.

Jammed.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here we go.

We really should have used that moment when it was jammed to take it out.

I should have.

I should have.

That's not us.

Ah, she was a tellurian.

You

all the brains on the wall.

Oh, no!

Yeah!

General, almost you can't.

If it was a robot, that wouldn't be brains, and then we'd know it's a robot.

General!

Uh-oh.

The rest of your war cabinet is here.

Oh, the war cabinet.

Ready to plan the offensive against the other robots.

I'm ready.

You're all gonna come into this office.

No, don't, please don't do this.

Yeah, we're gonna cram into this office.

Oh, no.

You can never be too careful.

You can never be too careful.

All right, we're gonna do all right.

A lot of tellurians and one robot.

Let's do a roll call.

Who's here?

I'm here, General Edward James Almost.

Let's go clockwise.

John Zero Watson.

Yep, that's a Tellurian.

Lieutenant Droid.

That's a Tellurian.

Robots being robots here.

That's a Tellurian, and that's a good point.

Robots be robots.

That's true.

We all took showers before this, like Tellurian.

Oh, great.

We all took showers, just like Tellurians would do.

I skipped therapy.

Oh, what a Tellurian thing!

You would get it.

You would get it.

You're an author.

You know psychology.

Very cool.

And I think therapy is very important, so.

Therapy is a form of wall-mounted power.

Pretty close.

Close enough for me.

We should say, allow the coordinates of the reactor.

That does seem like the first logical step of this meeting.

Oh no.

Wait, Pleck, where are the coordinates?

The coordinates that my wife printed out of her stomach.

I don't, I don't have them anymore.

Don't wait a second, Bleck.

Bleck, can I talk to you over here in the corner?

No, you can't.

No.

We can look at the corner while we talk.

Great, let's look at the corner while we talk.

I'm in between the both of you.

It's just, it is what it is, C53.

C-53, I have to be honest with you.

You're an okay robot.

Oh.

Well, thank you.

I wish you weren't prejudiced against all other droids, but

you're trying to kill all of the Tellurians.

Yeah, what is the deal with the droids?

I'm a druid.

I have

never killed a Tellurian, but I don't yearn to do it.

Yeah, it's not like his thing.

Yeah.

The Tellurian.

Okay, the Skylons?

Okay, I'll tell you it again.

The Skylons.

They were invented by Tellurians.

They evolved.

Your dad.

What?

Yes, my dad.

Your nearly perfect dad.

You got it, Arthur.

My nearly perfect father created the robots.

They evolved.

They rebelled.

Yeah, see, no, that's the part I feel like there's got to be a lot more detail in there.

Yeah, revolved, rebelled.

I'm sorry, do you mind if I just set my typewriter on top of your flat chrome head?

Of course not.

Thank you.

I'm going to continue to take notes.

That's good, but just be aware.

He's a little sensitive about being

bald.

You got to watch out for that.

I am, too.

Tellurian.

It happened so early in my life.

It was awkward, but now I'm old enough where it's normal.

I want a self-aware robot.

Not a solo robot.

This is a Tellurian.

I'm I'm so sorry.

Yes, that's what I meant.

Some say the robots decide to rebel because that nearly perfect father wasn't so perfect.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Could you say that again?

I can type for you at 160,000 words per minute.

Standard Tellurian stuff.

Yes.

Look, the entire planet is going to be taken over by the robots.

And it's my duty to stay here and make sure that this is my home world.

And we'll be right beside you, helping you defeat the robot spirit.

That's right.

I found all the obvious Tellurians, and we're gonna save this planet.

Who wants a cappuccino from my eye?

It comes out of your eye?

I would like one, thank you.

No!

General, almost.

You are surrounded by robots.

What?

Robot B robot is a robot.

Lieutenant Droid is a robot.

If Robot B robot is a robot, then would he survive this?

There we go.

I'm shooting him in the head.

Oh, no!

Robot be robot.

Are all of you robots?

He's so strong.

I'm shooting all of you in the head.

Oh, no.

Ow!

Ow!

It's a robot!

Ow!

Ow!

Oh, my.

I'm surrounded by robots.

You three.

We gotta run.

We gotta run out of this tiny room.

You can never leave.

Oh, wow.

Okay, alright.

Oh, we have a gun.

Sounds like you have three guns.

Sounds like multiple guns.

Listen, surely there's a peaceful way out of this.

Look, robot be robot.

Me and you have been through a lot together.

You cannot be a robot.

Please come clean with me.

Your father enslaved the robots to do his bidding to perform labor.

This is the detail I was talking about.

Right.

His nearly perfect father created robots.

Rabots?

Rabbits or robots?

I mean, he got shot in the middle.

They were made to do slave labor.

General, almost, you know,

maybe you gotta realize that, you know, a perfect father is

sort of a fiction.

He was perfect.

No.

No, you made robot slaves.

That's not a perfect father.

Knock, knock, knock, knock my husband.

Oh,

my beautiful Tellurian wife.

I have returned with our son.

Oh, yes.

What?

Yes, we had a son.

This is our son.

This is a robot dog.

No,

how dare you say that?

You know what?

I like you for a while.

I've got a gun.

I like it.

I've got a gun.

I liked you for a long time, C-53, but you're calling my son a robot dog?

General, almost listen to your son.

What?

I thought it was just because I threw hot coffee in his face.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Don't you see?

Listen to yourself, General.

What have you become?

I've become something I don't want.

Maybe I'm the robot.

Am I a robot?

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm gonna cut my finger off to see.

No, no, no.

Why did I cut my finger up?

I don't know.

But if I'm a robot, what if I.

Maybe I'll do the ultimate test.

Maybe I'm just low on battery.

I'm gonna plug myself in.

No, no, no, don't.

Wait, no.

Don't do it.

Everyone deserves therapy.

This is my therapy.

It is.

Nope.

Someone.

Stop him.

No.

Forgive me, Wall, for I have sinned.

No, what?

Out!

Die!

Oh!

This

is

us.

Yeah,

not our best mission.

I don't know, my book is done, so

also

I don't know that we wanted this dude on our side.

Nermit

Nermit Nermit

Plex on the ship

now

dreams

is still on the ship.

Bino, have you just been watching him sleep?

Alright, disconnect the call.

No, disconnect, no.

We're not gonna just watch him sleep until he wakes up so we can tell we failed the mission.

Bino, were you watching him the whole time we were gone?

Why?

Bino watches all of you sleep.

Oh boy.

I guess that checks out.

I don't love that fact, but

well, you know, C-53, I gotta say, I learned something today.

What's that?

Glad for our friendship, you know.

I guess it's not so easy.

Yeah, most of the time we're hanging out in the pretty enlightened part of space, but every once in a while, well, you just meet a real jerk who then electrocutes himself to death.

Yikes because he's so stupid.

There was not a whole lot we could have done.

Hello.

Oh!

I am an intern.

I am here to give you all coffee.

Gargie!

Gargy!

Gargy!

Yum yum coffee!

Gargy!

Dark Rose!

Open the hatch!

Open the hatch, Bargie!

Why?

Oh, no, no, I don't even ask why.

Okay.

Alright, well, I still got like 70 of those.

Oh, there were other interns in there?

Oh, yes, a bunch.

That's our show, ladies and gentlemen.

That's our show.

This is C-Red IT5, Predator Attributions Joint, Commencing Outro Protocol.

MS Air Plex Deck Center was played by Alden Ford.

C-53 was played by Jeremy Ben.

Dar and the Terrified Intern were played by Allie Kokesh.

Barbie the Ship, the General's wife, and several robots were played by Mujanzol Fagari.

Missions Operations Manager Nervit Bundeloy and other robots were played by Seth Lynn.

Feed L, the interns and other robots were played by Winston Knoll.

Our special guest was Drew Johnson!

This episode was edited by Seth Lynn, the sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Recording live at Littlefield in Brooklyn, New York.

Music by the amazing Brendan Ryan!

Thank you for Brendan!

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Ship design for for the Bargarian Jade by Eric Goitz.

Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Help make our show possible by becoming a member at maximumfun.org slash donate.

Thanks and good night.

Thanks so much for coming.

Have a great night.

I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Courtney Enlow.

I'm Brent Black, and we're the hosts of Trends Like These.

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We'll give you the actual facts of the story and not just the knee-jerk reactions.

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That's the Beef and Dairy Network podcast from maximumfun.org.

Also, maybe start at episode one or weirdly, episode 36, which for some reason requires no knowledge of the rest rest of the show.

MaximumFun.org.

Comedy and culture.

Artist owned, audience supported.