319: Pump Up The Justice

Attention, United Kingdom.

Mission to Zix will be performing a brand new live episode on September 15th as part of the London Podcast Festival.

Get your tickets right now on our events page at mission26.space.

It is a time of fear and unrest.

Emperor Nermit Bundeloy.

Sentience, sentience, order, order, order.

Who am I kidding?

Go nuts.

This is Hollywood, baby.

And court is in session.

Honorable Judge Hustley Winkle presiding.

You might remember me from ten straight years of announcing the hottest eyeball hall-a-thon ever.

You're tuned in to pop

the justice.

Husband up, the court will not hear your case.

Husbanders, laughing, just as ready, sign your face.

Open up,

now's your chance to tell the tales.

Hold it up, the wings and it's free to change.

And it's time for the what opening statements for the trial of who you know her, you love her, or maybe you don't.

The bar, Jerry, and Jay.

This is the pup of people versus her.

Let's bump that justice.

Hello, my name is Suzanne.

Prosecution Arp.

I am representing the people in this juncture.

As we all know, Bargerian Jade has been charged with hundreds of counts of money laundering, of finance fraud, hundreds of millions of crude, ruining reputations.

How long am I on?

I got one minute?

Okay, girl, wrap it up.

So, yeah, we, the people, want Bargerian Jade, this sentient, washed-up spaceship who honestly movies aren't that great, to go to jail forever.

Thank you very much.

Your Honor, uh, her acting coach would like to approach.

Oh, well, this is a surprise.

I'll allow it.

Uh, Susan, do you think I'm doing well?

Do you think I got it down?

I just think the ending.

Exactly.

Punch-itch.

Right.

Like, end on a punch-itch.

Frazzled television.

Oh, yeah.

Sexless prosecutor.

Yes, sir.

Yes, absolutely.

But if you could just, at the end, make a meal of it.

Hey, we're back in.

Margaria Jade, murderer, money murderer, murderer.

Do you want your children asleep or dead?

Thank you, the people rest.

Not rest, just the beginning.

Thank you.

Gavel, gavel, gavel.

Sentients and non-centees now entering the courts of the defense.

Hello, lawyer for the defense.

My name is Quaid Blismo, and I am shocked and sickened by the accusations made by the state of Hollywood against my client, the Bargerian Jade.

The Bargerian Jade is a beloved holo star.

She is somebody that people look up to.

And the fact that we are even in this courtroom at all right now is absurd.

This is a circus right now because the Bargerian Jade's good name is being dragged through the mud for crimes that I intend to prove she had absolutely no part.

in committing.

And I will put a blaster to my own head before I will see her go to jail.

That is how confident I am in the innocence, innocence of the Bargerian Jade.

I don't care how many counts of money laundering, of tax fraud, of endangering the youth are leveled against the Bargerian Jade.

Every single one of them is an absolute slap in the face of one of the grand domes of the Hollywood scene.

In summation.

I can't wait to tear the prosecution's argument apart.

Blismo rests.

Thank you.

Wowie.

Quade Blismo coming in hot.

Wow.

Hastui Winko loves it.

That's right.

Here in the courtroom of Hastui Win.

Wait a second.

Who's that waving up there?

Permission to speak, sir.

Wow.

Who am I to say no to a guy waving a flag?

Objection?

Objection.

Counselor, counselor, the gentleman has a flag.

Okay, objection.

Are we to allow this fresh-faced youth with stars in his eyes to deliver what is no doubt a moving, passionate speech of his own?

Objection, what he said.

Objection overruled and objection overruled.

Onward, young man.

Thank you, Judge.

Now I might just be extra in the gallery.

New to Hollowood.

And, you know, maybe I just have a sack of dreams and a smile.

And a few 8x10 hollows that I'm handing out right now.

Oh, wow.

Whipping them.

But I think that this is a grave miscarriage of justice.

And I will do everything I can.

Alright, alright.

That's commercial.

That's commercial.

Hey, listen.

Extra?

You're gonna get a line?

Speed it up.

Did I say it was too slow?

Way too slow.

You were really milking it.

Stop milking those teeth.

But my species is lactating.

I understand.

Okay.

Act, stay on your defense.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Well, you gotta have a guy to follow me.

I told you I was gonna walk around.

Have a good day.

We don't have a cam guy today.

Alright.

I don't think Crofty got my request.

There's dairy in my corner.

Do I look like the person you should be complaining to?

I don't know.

No.

No.

Crafty!

Where the juck is crafty?

Not only are they too short, they're far too salty.

Alright?

Get these out of my face.

I'm also gluclosing tolerant.

I'm scanning for gluclose.

Gluclose found.

Right, thank you.

No.

Individually wrapped mints dispensing.

And we're supposed to make a meal of this.

This is a meal now.

Exactly.

You know exactly where I'm coming from.

Barge, I thought that went very well for us.

Really?

They just said a bunch of lies and you didn't correct them.

Barge, were you listening to what I just said?

I said every single one of them was false.

I was going to prove all of them wrong.

Also, we had that weird kid in the audience stand up.

That's great stuff.

What is that all about?

I have no idea, but what I'm saying is we can use that, alright?

That's a smoke screen.

Okay,

thank you so much.

Thank you.

Barge, I'm gonna air air kiss you to the left.

I'm gonna air kiss you to the right.

We are gonna get through this.

Thank you.

They're not gonna lay a finger on you, okay?

Okay, we're heading back.

Heading back.

Sentients of all flavors and sizes, where Baba Baba back is sessioned right here.

Honor, honor, honor me.

Oh, interior fireworks.

Never live without them, baby.

Court of honorable Astui Winko is back in session.

Loved it.

Oh, yeah.

Feel Bobby Go.

And cut the fireworks.

It's just us.

Yeah, Justice.

And don't forget the bailiff.

We're coming back in for the trial of the Bargerian Jade, and we're back to the prosecution.

The prosecution would like to call its first witness to the stand.

Bargerian Jade son,

formerly known as Blimpy, formerly Laser Ted, now known as Tree Boy.

Organics and droids, please give a warm round of applause to the witness now entering through the big door on the floor.

It's Tree Bay!

Tree Boy, we'll have you please slate to the camera.

Name, height, representation.

Um, name is Tree Boy.

I'm 70 meters high, and I uh have no representation.

Huh?

Not even seeking, okay.

True boy.

You are Bargerian Jade's son, are you not?

Yes.

And they've been your mother your entire life?

What?

Yes, yes, I know, please.

Uh, yes.

Would you say that they were a good mother or a bad mother?

I was fine.

She was fine as a mother.

Give examples.

Um, okay.

When I had my first uh little league game, my mom was not there.

Wow.

Yeah, I was like.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow.

Thank you.

Objection.

One in eight mothers who neglect their children at sports events end up being murderers based on science.

I'm channeling.

Your honor, the acting coach, would like to approach their client.

Oh, Lord.

Did my accent change?

It slightly changed.

Your accent changed.

It did.

We're We're channeling.

Sexless.

Right.

You know, childless.

I was so sexy.

I was so sexy.

You were oozing.

I was oozing sexy.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm back here.

I'm in the back of the room.

I'm getting turned off.

Right, okay.

I'll do it again.

I'll do it.

I'll continue.

And we're back in.

Spotlights are hot and all.

So you would say that your mother's a bad mother.

What?

Good.

Thank you so much.

The prosecution rests for this part.

What?

What?

Um,

Tree

if that is your real name.

No, it's not.

I mean, Blimpy's my real name.

You admit, Tree Boy's not your real name.

Well, it's changed a couple times.

Oh, okay.

So what you're saying is you're a person who changes your mind.

Is that correct?

I guess everyone changes their mind from Tree Boy.

Oh, do they?

Well, we all change our mind.

Oh, wow.

We're really learning a lot here from old Tree Boy.

What?

We're learning that people change their mind?

Let me repeat to you what you said just a moment ago when you were asked, what kind of mother did you have?

And you said she was fine.

Is that correct?

That's right.

Okay, let me, because, you know, I don't want you to change your mind about this later.

Let me describe to you what fine means.

It means of high quality.

Okay?

It means good or satisfactory.

It also means very...

Objection relevance?

Fellow culture literally reading definition of fine, so it's fine.

Relevance?

It's fine.

Objection overlooked.

So what I'm saying is, what you've described is actually a mother of very good quality.

Sure, I see.

Okay, well, great.

Then the defense rests.

Alright, we're gonna punch in, uh, and you're gonna do your product placement.

Are you ready?

All right, all right, we're uh

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And that's a Quade Blismo guarantee.

Checking with the executives in the booth?

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Judge, back to you.

That's the end of round one here in the trial of the century, the trial of the Bacharian Jade.

And I'm going to just say something.

It's a little off topic, but I'm going to need a crafty bop.

I'm going to go nuts.

It's going to be crazy.

You're not going to see it cover.

I'm going to ask for some licorice.

No, I wouldn't have guessed it.

I thought he was going to ask for a bunch of stuff.

I can't do licorice.

I'm allergic to all things sticky.

Crafty bot.

Licorice available, red or black.

Spit it right in my mouth.

Skit it, Jeffy.

Okay.

Can Crafty Bot interest you in a miniature case?

Oh, boy, could you?

Put it in my robe.

Very well.

Excuse me, it seems like the makers of this Crafty Bot are getting a lot of paid airtime.

You're not the only corporate chill here.

All right, all right.

Prosecution would like to call next wisdom.

Bargerian Jade's very famous ex-husband, Spaceship Spielship, to the stand.

He hasn't been seen in two years in person.

Okay, but

we knew they were gonna do this.

We knew this was gonna happen.

Here he is, racing up from the floor in a puff of smoke.

And slay your name for the cameras?

Spaceship Spielship.

Wow.

What a jarl.

Now, Spaceship Spielship, what is your relation to the Bargerian Jade?

The Bargerian Jade is my ex-wife.

And how long were you two married?

We were married for seven years.

We met during a picture, decided to get engaged during the sequel.

Fathered a child on the third film in the series.

By the fourth film, we were barely speaking to each other.

And how would you describe your relationship with the Bargerine Jade?

Chilly.

And by chilly, what exactly do you mean?

Financially chilly.

Intellectually chilly.

And would you describe your relationship now?

That of a very successful Hollowood director and that of a financial murderer.

Your Honor Mayor.

I thought I'd end it like a little bit of excitement at the end.

I just think it's too soon for that.

We're still building attention.

We're still developing

sad, pathetic, loft-wearing character.

My hair is greasy.

I would characterize the Bargerian Jade as a murderer financially.

A financial murderer.

Can you say that to Kammer and use the word murder just louder than the other words?

The Bargerian Jade is a murderer of the financial financial.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

I think we got it.

Okay.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That's it for prosecution.

We rest now for this.

I just want to say I've never seen anyone direct the biggest director in the history of film.

All of Hollywood.

Bold move prosecutor.

That's why they call me Susan Prosecutor First.

Your Honor, if I can say one.

I'll allow it.

Of course.

Wow.

Second flag.

A second flag.

Wow.

Whoa.

I've been looking at this, quote-unquote, justice.

And I have one thing to say.

I, Phenom Pennyworth, who's currently seeking representation,

was murdered financially by the Bargerian Jane.

Wow.

And that's commercial.

I'm not allowed to respond.

The cliffhanger ends there, maybe.

I understand, I understand.

But RG, actually, this is good for us.

Okay, this is actually great for us.

Okay, because I didn't do anything.

Can I speak?

Is this fine?

Is this fine work or what's your right?

Nothing matters in commercial.

And

three, two,

and we're back.

You know, I don't care for what you did out there.

Well, why don't you take your nose and put it somewhere?

It's better.

Is this better?

Do you like this?

Do you you like my nose up close?

Right on my nose.

You're a dirty man.

Oh, well, you're about to see how dirty I can get, sister.

Why don't you rebuttal this?

Oh.

You slapped me right in my face.

Why don't you slap your own trial?

If you came for rules, then you came to the wrong city, wrong town, wrong courtroom, babbish.

We are making sure justice gets hooked.

I'll see you at the recess.

I'll see you there as well.

We fired our riders.

Um spaceship spielship, if that is your real name.

Uh it's not.

Oh, really?

How interesting.

For the record, what is your real name?

Starship Spielship.

Uh so you're a sort of person who feels like they can just change their mind whenever they I did this, didn't I?

I'll move on.

I'll move on.

Spaceship, or should I say, Starship.

Either one is fine.

You characterized your relationship with the Bajerian Jade as chilly.

That's right.

You said financially chilly.

You said emotionally chilly.

But I noticed you didn't say physically chilly.

No.

So why is that?

Are you familiar with the term hatch to hatch?

I think I've heard the term.

The following part of this episode has been censored due to inappropriate content.

Well, that was extremely graphic and not what I was after at all.

Well, you asked.

I did ask.

That's on me.

Let me move on.

Mr.

Spielship, you also mentioned during your testimony that on the fourth film you worked on, you grew apart.

Now, why is that?

Are you familiar with a ship hole?

I'm familiar with the ship hole.

The following 40 minutes of this episode has been censored due to inappropriate content.

Now we are talking.

This is some good, good justice.

Okay, that is also not what I was after.

All right.

Hey, I feel this is a little fit.

Can I chime in?

Bart.

This episode has been censored for the next 20 minutes due to inappropriate content.

Jesus, it is.

Okay.

The prosecution would like to call its final witness.

Wow.

I think we're all waiting with bated breath to know if this witness knows anything about the crimes.

He would like to call Samo and Wick.

And repelling down from the ceiling on two tiny rogues.

Ah, former rebel spies, dust heads to the max.

Sus-sus-sus-semo and win-three-wing.

Hi, guys.

Splate it for the camera while spinning.

Demo.

And wait.

Hi.

Sky high on dust, baby.

Representation?

CAA!

What is your relationship with the Bargerian J?

Uh, Bargy was cool.

We uh hung out a few times and uh we also did like a bunch of financial investments with Bargie.

She we gave her a lot of our money because we trusted her with all the connections we had.

Yeah, I do remember that Rink and I did give money to a holding company that was Bargie and Friends?

Bargie and Friends, a holding company, and it was referred to as a shadow company.

Yeah, we gave it like 300,000 crew.

Yeah.

Um, and then we built upon it.

It literally was the shape of a pyramid.

Yeah.

And then, I mean, I have all the documentation for anybody that wants it.

And we also have this, like, audio signature from Bargi that says,

I approve of this financial transaction.

We were super high, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't keep records, baby.

Thank you.

The prosecution rests this one again.

Samo and

Wink.

Let me ask you: you two pretty big dust heads, are you not?

Formally.

Formally.

Yeah, we haven't been able to do dusts for a while because we can't afford it anymore.

Yeah.

We went through dust withdrawal.

And if you don't know how that's like, just like imagine.

Like, seeing the world for like what it is.

Yeah.

And your skin getting like clear.

And like losing weight.

Yeah.

Feeling really healthy.

And like.

And like we're going on runs and stuff now.

Yeah, and we do like yoga.

Yes.

And space Pilates.

A living hell.

Right.

But when you engaged in your financial transaction with the Bargerian Jade, were you or were you not on dust?

Yeah.

Very dusted.

But we like think much better when we're on dust.

Oh, how interesting.

So you would say that your recall is actually improved while you're on dust.

Yeah, I think so.

Because I remember a moment ago when you said you gave Bargie a bunch of money.

Oh, no, wait.

You said you gave her business agents a bunch of money.

Is that correct?

Uh yeah, but Bargie was right there.

Okay, but did you give Bargie the money, or did you give the business agent the money?

Yeah, I guess we gave it to the business agent.

Oh, oh, how interesting.

He's leading the witness.

Oh, I do the overrules.

You actually

have a long day.

Right, no, I understand.

It's like these

12-hour shooting days.

No, it's fine.

It's no big deal.

Right, okay, that's it.

He's leading the witness.

I'm so sorry.

Okay, overrules.

So, you gave the Bargerian Jade's business agents the money that you invested in these companies, which may or may not have had anything to do with the Bargerian Jade.

I don't know, we were on dust.

Oh, oh, so now your recall is worse because you're on dust.

Uh, I guess I'm confused.

I like the vibe that's happening here.

I'm not into this.

Uh, I'm sorry, we gotta cut the executives in the booth.

Uh, they find this whole performance just not spicy enough.

It's not spicy.

Uh, I've actually got something, executives.

I'm so sorry.

You understand what we're asking for?

I'm with you.

I'm with you.

Alright, alright.

So, Samo and Wink, it seems like you have some pretty severe memory problems.

So, maybe what you need is Crafty Bot, if I could.

Some dust, please.

Shuck, yes.

Crafty bot dispensing dust.

Wowie, Zowie, this is getting good.

Samo and Wink, I will need you to do this dust and then answer my question.

Okay.

Okay.

Let me ask you one more time.

Classic.

Did you

or did you not keep going

give any money

directly to the Bargerian Jade?

That's so weird because I was asking you the question.

Yeah, answer the question.

I did not.

Yeah.

Wow, flipped it right back higher.

Turned it right back in my face, but they never gave money directly to the Bargerian Jade, only her business agent.

So it sounds to me like their qualm is with them and not the Bargerian Jade.

Thank you.

Wow.

No more questions.

Hairs are being split.

Get out of your chairs and move your body because it's time for research.

Everybody get them.

We are back from halftime, ladies and gentlemen, Tiron Pump to justice, honorable Hastui Winkle, presiding.

We're coming in hot into the second half, and we're getting ready for witnesses from the D Deep Defense.

Go to it!

Now, as is tradition in Hollywood court, all of the defense witnesses are surprise witnesses.

So, without any further ado, let me bring in my first of three extremely surprising witnesses.

Each more surprising than the last.

I present to you.

Hey, I get it.

Sorry, everyone.

Sorry, everyone.

I actually don't know.

Who is that bird?

I'm Master Missions Operations Manager, Nermit Bundle.

I just need to get.

I'm so sorry, Dernerp.

I need to get onto the Bargerian Jade, actually.

I am a lace.

Bargy, no, it's Nermit.

It's.

It's.

Okay, my client doesn't know who you are, so you're going to have to leave.

Bargie, please open, just open the hatch.

I need to get on.

I'm not a witness.

I'm just

a Master Missions operations manager.

Can we cut this?

Can we cut this out?

I don't know what this is.

I mean, this is a surprise.

The executives are loving this.

Okay, great.

We'll roll with it.

My lover is giving birth.

Oh, they hate it.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

We don't want to talk about this.

Oh, by opening up my ass.

I'm covered.

Okay, if we could get back to my surprise witnesses, I'd like to call for my first surprise witness, the Grower Mind.

As the bailiffs whose whose responsibility it is to slate the witness i don't see

wow

out of the chest of the rash darn bailiff

name height representation i am the grower mind my height is forever my representation is that of the undying will of the swarm also i'm freelancing with the universal talent agency now mr grower mind you and the bargerian jade have shared a relationship Is that correct?

That is affirmative and true.

How would you characterize, based on that relationship, the inner nature of the Bargerian Jade?

What sort of sentient is she?

The type of sentience that will care for those around her.

There was a time when emotion and empathy and affection was shared between us.

Well, that is interesting.

Uh, Mr.

Growamind, if possible, would you marry the Bargerian jade?

Affirmative.

Objection.

Overall, this is good, hot, hot, nasty stuff.

Thank you so much for your time, Mr.

Growmind.

No further questions.

Prosecution, your witness.

Mr.

Grower Mind, is that what you go by?

All species know my name.

How would you describe what you do on a regular basis?

I assimilate willing and unwilling species into the collective swarm into my hive mind.

During the process of assimilation, the body goes through an ovomorphing process where carbon atoms are broken down into egg sacs, producing many types of castes in our perfect caste system.

I see.

Now, wouldn't you consider that to be a violent sort of work?

Objection, objection.

I'm just asking what he does.

Well, he told you what he does.

I'm getting more context.

Objection refreshed.

Nashkin,

I like to point out he said the word killing.

Garamind, do you have any financial transactions with the Barger and Jade?

The Roarmine has transacted, as you put it, through crystals adorned to our hole for a decoration and defense.

Interesting, could you please explain?

The weavers of our perfect caste system imbue crystals made from mucus-laid egg sacs, the perfect defense developed over billions of years.

Only the strongest types of space magic will be able to tear her beauty from it.

She'll be undefeatable through her beauty.

All will bow before her.

And last question.

Carmine, isn't it true that at the end of the day, you're just simply a biased character witness whose undying love for Bargerian Jade is making you willing to say anything to find her innocent, even though there is enough insurmountable evidence to find her otherwise.

Objection, what's love got to do with it?

Who got to do with it?

Objection shush!

Oh, good, great.

No, no, no, you want the other one.

No, no, you're that's the bad one for you.

There is no guilt, there is no innocence, there is no good or evil.

There is only the undying, perfect will of the swarm.

Prior to leaving the stand, I have but one one viny to perform.

Children, all inner rooms, stand before me and come willingly into the hive.

Everyone rise.

I was told.

I was told that they would rise after this and willingly come.

Your honor, permission to ion blast the witness.

Uh, grant it.

The will of the swarm.

Justice is

hot shots.

Well, Quay Blismo is no stranger to a hostile witness.

Remember, he was your witness.

I mean, I remember.

Who could an except

witness be?

I call to the stage Security Officer Dar.

Security Officer Dar.

Kind of a stage manager fail here.

Alright, cut, cut, cut.

Where is Dar?

Barge, what happened?

You said this person was not going to be lights out for you.

Yeah, they are.

They didn't go right now.

We've already talked about this.

That's not for television.

Nobody wants to see it

or talk about it.

I couldn't disagree more.

I love the magic of birth.

I watch birth.

This justice watches birth videos nightly.

I'm happy to continue on with my final surprise witness.

The most surprising of all the witnesses.

Me, Phenom Pennyworth.

Currently seeking representation.

No.

Wow.

You're honoring it.

Who are you?

Phenom Pennyworth is now parachuting.

He's parachuting down from the upper decks.

Phenom, don't get up on the stand.

You're not a witness.

I guess I won't get up on the stand.

I guess I'll dance on the stand.

Objection.

Just, I mean, the whole thing.

Honestly.

Objection, Shoshone.

Get this clown out of here.

I got dreams.

Phenom Pennyworth, E-E-J, I got dreams, I tell you.

You can't take me out of here.

I'm gonna be a star.

A star, you hear me?

Astar!

A star!

Be not a pennyworth.

It's one end, so it'll really jock you up.

It's a pennyworth?

It's pennyworth!

I don't think so.

It's pennyworth!

As I was saying, Your Honor,

I call to the stand Mr.

Leximar Pwench.

Super Agent Leximar Pwench?

That's correct.

Zowy!

Well, he's got a meeting with justice.

Let's

I just want to say, I love everyone's work here.

Wow.

Just a big fan.

Big fan.

Wow, that means a lot.

Well, actually, it's an honor to ask you to slate the camera on this.

Also, my real and

my own judge's robes if you need to.

Oh, fantastic.

I always watch these.

Thank you so much for this.

Oh, wow.

I'm Leximar Puench.

I am two meters tall.

Wow, exactly.

And I am represented by Puench Associates, Incorporated Associates.

Sign both both lines of that contract said Lexi Puench.

Let's do it.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.

Um, I'd rather not, Mr.

Puench.

I'd like to ask you a number of questions about your client, the Bargierian Jade.

Hey, Barge.

You look great, by the way.

Have you lost weight?

I'm serious.

A little awkward.

But have you?

I, uh, yeah, I am.

How great is she?

How great is she, am I right?

Save my energy.

Oh, you heard it here.

Mr.

Poench, she's extremely great.

There's no questions about that.

What there are questions about is how great

you are.

Quade Blismo is turning it on his own witness.

This is a good, good deal for the ratings.

Mr.

Poench, I assert that the Bargerian Jade entered into a contract with you to obtain acting work, her life's passion, and you took that contract and turned around and used it to make billions of croon off of her good name.

Maybe old Lexi did a few deals on the back end, but hey, that's where I get most of my income.

You took your ability to represent the Bargerian Jade and used it to misrepresent her all over town, as you can see from these clips.

You know what's cool, kids?

Coven paint bidder.

Love it, and so does Bargy.

This is by Jerry and Jade, and I approve of this message.

You know what's lame?

Child labor laws.

Vote no on Proposition 2.

This is by Jerry and Jade, and I approve of this message.

Ooh, the smoky voice, leathery skin, and long-lasting health effects of a cigarette smoker.

This is by Jerry and Jade, and I approve of this message.

Jutpower, Jantawa.

Jat Power, Jundawa.

Jitawa, Gentawa.

That's by far the worst one.

And you thought this would be a fun little croon grab, didn't you, Mr.

Puench?

Didn't you?

I thought it would be a lucrative croon grab.

By the way, you are.

I've seen you from something.

What have I seen from you?

You've definitely seen me in something.

Do you currently have representation?

Mr.

Puench, is it fair to say that all of the counts of money laundering, of tax fraud, of tax evasion leveled at the Bargerian Jade in this court today are your doing and not the Bargerian Jade?

Why are we all here?

I'll tell you.

Stories, right?

Mr.

Pwench, respectfully answer the question.

Uh, I mean, my.

Alright, um, uh, we're gonna skip right ahead to closing arguments.

Oh, no, I got- I have to call Bargie to be saying.

I have a lot to say.

I think that's a good idea.

Then you should have used your time more wisely.

I have a video.

You shouldn't have let Phenom Pennyworth talk so much.

Okay, I didn't even call him to the stage.

He wasn't your extra?

No, I don't know.

Was he your extra?

No, I don't know.

Well, listen, he stole your limelight, and he also stole time from your Star Witnesses system.

Alright, Barge, I'm so sorry.

Well, can I at least sing a song?

Nope, we don't have time for it.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment we've all been living our every moment of our lives up until this moment.

For now, the closing arguments.

Today you heard a lot of talk and movement and speech and imagery from both sides.

And it's up to now, you, the viewers at home, all 7 billion of you, to vote in and text one for innocent, whatever, or two for guilty to 256-472-9653.

This is a real number.

I'm not lying to you, okay?

It's two for guilty for the following reasons.

We have many videos and audio transcriptions of her promoting things that are illegal and frankly outrageous.

And I'm here today to say all 115 counts of financial treason and murder and unsafe scaffolding and for just wearing things out of style.

I mean, come on, let's really think about it.

Should be voted guilty.

Thank you so much.

I rest my case for for real.

That's it for the prosecution.

Kicking it to the defense.

Ladies and gentlemen of the viewing audience, we've had a lot of fun today, haven't we?

It's been quite a ride.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The Bargerian Jade is up here on a number of counts of tax evasion, of tax fraud, and of money laundering.

Okay?

And I'm not saying that those things didn't happen.

but what I what wait hold on what Bargie just please

Bargie, can you trust Blismo?

Can you trust Blismo?

Okay, fine.

But what I am saying is the Bargerian Jade was swindled into agreeing to forfeit her likeness to a predatory agent by the name of Leximar Pwench.

And Mr.

Pwench used the wholesome, familiar, comforting image of the Bargerian J to promote his extremely questionable and frankly disgusting projects across the galaxy to the expense of Miss J.

So is she guilty?

Perhaps.

What?

No.

Barge, please.

Bodge, please.

Is the Bargerian J guilty?

Perhaps.

She may be guilty of trusting a bad agent,

but she is innocent of all of these crimes.

And in summation, I just like to say, we all want to be big stars, but we don't know why and we don't know how.

But when everybody loves me,

I want to be just about as happy as I can be.

And that's exactly what happened to my client, the Bargerian Jade text one for innocent to 256-472-9653.

This is a real number that you can text right now if you want to save a life.

Thank you.

And I'm Bargerian Jade, and I approve of this message.

Also, there's something weird happening inside of me right now.

Ladies and gentlemen, sentients, robots, beasts of all flavors, has this not been the most exciting trial in the history of the world?

Hecked out just the world of all of Holovision.

It's in your hands.

You text one for innocent, two for guilty.

To 256-472-9653.

Standard data and penetration of life.

Have we said that this is a real number?

It's a real number.

Did somebody say that?

I'm out of my mind.

We will pump up the justice and find out her fate

on the next episode.

You gotta get an honest justice thing.

You gotta feel it deep inside your core.

You gotta reach down, grab it by the neck, pull it out.

You gotta hold it in front of yourself.

You gotta see which side do you think it's more.

Who gave the judge more dust?

I'm the old

tint of money.

I'm the old

racer.

I'm the whole

Swear to tell the truth, throw up your right hand.

Court is now a session.

Pump up the justice, pump up the jams.

Order in the court, says the man with the hammer.

Slate the camera, make sure you don't stammer.

Objections will only get you so far.

We don't follow rules cause we plug the bar.

Watch your back, don't black ratings sour.

Tex in the booth have all the real power.

Tell us the story, show us the proof.

But skip the bars up, just feel the

Alright, that's lunch, everyone.

Alright, uh, but first, uh, credit where credit is due.

The honorable judges Stewie Winka was played by Seth Lynn.

Susan Prosecution and Wink were played by Bujan Sofagari.

Defense attorney Quaid Bismelt was played by Jeremy Bent.

Producer and the script supervisor were played by Allie Kokash.

Phenomen Pettyworth, Tree Boy, Samo, and Leximar Plinch were played by Winston Knoll.

Crafty Bot and Spaceship's Fieldship were played by Alden Ford.

Oh, the Girl of Mine was played by special guest John Robert Wilson.

This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent with some design and mixed.

Bachane O'Connell recorded at at Robin Durgin Jr.'s Puppy Palace in Brooklyn, New York.

Pump of the Justice theme song composed and performed by Coco and the Puppy Pound.

Ship Design to the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goyce, audio hosted by Simplecast, and Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Pun Network.

One more thing, we assure you, you can actually vote on the outcome of this trial.

Text one for innocent, two for guilty, and the phone number 256-472-9653 to determine the fate of the Bargerian Jade.

All right, that's last Sentient back in 30.

Hi, I'm Dave.

Hi, I'm Graham.

And we're two house DJs who have been trapped inside our drum machine.

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We're just a couple of doofuses from Canada and listen to our show or perish.

Stop podcasting yourself on maximumfun.org.

Unless you're able to discuss the semiotics of Dire Wolves and Game of Thrones, Inside Pop is definitely not for you.

Sean, that's a little extreme and also not quite true.

Okay, Amita, how about Inside Pop is the podcast for people who love and appreciate the best pop culture has to offer?

Much better.

In every episode, we interview the people who create the culture you crave.

Past interviews include Luke Cage showrunner Cheo Hidari Coker, the music supervisor of the Florida Project, and Mudbound director Dee Reese.

You'll also get the very best pop culture recommendations in our Big Cell segment.

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Which, of course, symbolize our inability to truly connect with the natural world without ultimately destroying it and, in the process, destroying ourselves.

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You know what?

I'll overrule it.

No, that's the one you don't want.

Damn it.

Damn it.

No, it is.

Oh, wait.

You objected.

I'm

Goofy McJerkoff.

You know, Goofy McJerkoff.

I think that's it.

I agree.