319: Pump Up The Justice

Speaker 1 Attention, United Kingdom. Mission to Zix will be performing a brand new live episode on September 15th as part of the London Podcast Festival.

Speaker 1 Get your tickets right now on our events page at mission26.space.

Speaker 2 It is a time of fear and unrest.

Speaker 2 Emperor Nermit Bundeloy.

Speaker 7 Sentience, sentience, order, order, order.

Speaker 9 Who am I kidding?

Speaker 10 Go nuts. This is Hollywood, baby.

Speaker 11 And court is in session.

Speaker 11 Honorable Judge Hustley Winkle presiding.

Speaker 9 You might remember me from ten straight years of announcing the hottest eyeball hall-a-thon ever.

Speaker 11 You're tuned in to pop

Speaker 4 the justice.

Speaker 5 Husband up, the court will not hear your case. Husbanders, laughing, just as ready, sign your face.
Open up,

Speaker 5 now's your chance to tell the tales. Hold it up, the wings and it's free to change.

Speaker 10 And it's time for the what opening statements for the trial of who you know her, you love her, or maybe you don't.

Speaker 13 The bar, Jerry, and Jay.

Speaker 10 This is the pup of people versus her.

Speaker 13 Let's bump that justice.

Speaker 15 Hello, my name is Suzanne. Prosecution Arp.

Speaker 15 I am representing the people in this juncture.

Speaker 15 As we all know, Bargerian Jade has been charged with hundreds of counts of money laundering, of finance fraud, hundreds of millions of crude, ruining reputations. How long am I on?

Speaker 16 I got one minute?

Speaker 9 Okay, girl, wrap it up.

Speaker 15 So, yeah, we, the people, want Bargerian Jade, this sentient, washed-up spaceship who honestly movies aren't that great, to go to jail forever. Thank you very much.

Speaker 17 Your Honor, uh, her acting coach would like to approach.

Speaker 12 Oh, well, this is a surprise.

Speaker 10 I'll allow it.

Speaker 15 Uh, Susan, do you think I'm doing well? Do you think I got it down?

Speaker 17 I just think the ending. Exactly.
Punch-itch. Right.
Like, end on a punch-itch.

Speaker 16 Frazzled television.

Speaker 17 Oh, yeah. Sexless prosecutor.
Yes, sir. Yes, absolutely.
But if you could just, at the end, make a meal of it.

Speaker 13 Hey, we're back in.

Speaker 15 Margaria Jade, murderer, money murderer, murderer. Do you want your children asleep or dead? Thank you, the people rest.

Speaker 15 Not rest, just the beginning. Thank you.

Speaker 14 Gavel, gavel, gavel.

Speaker 19 Sentients and non-centees now entering the courts of the defense.

Speaker 22 Hello, lawyer for the defense.

Speaker 25 My name is Quaid Blismo, and I am shocked and sickened by the accusations made by the state of Hollywood against my client, the Bargerian Jade.

Speaker 27 The Bargerian Jade is a beloved holo star.

Speaker 26 She is somebody that people look up to.

Speaker 31 And the fact that we are even in this courtroom at all right now is absurd.

Speaker 29 This is a circus right now because the Bargerian Jade's good name is being dragged through the mud for crimes that I intend to prove she had absolutely no part.

Speaker 24 in committing.

Speaker 34 And I will put a blaster to my own head before I will see her go to jail.

Speaker 26 That is how confident I am in the innocence, innocence of the Bargerian Jade.

Speaker 26 I don't care how many counts of money laundering, of tax fraud, of endangering the youth are leveled against the Bargerian Jade.

Speaker 23 Every single one of them is an absolute slap in the face of one of the grand domes of the Hollywood scene.

Speaker 25 In summation.

Speaker 24 I can't wait to tear the prosecution's argument apart.

Speaker 22 Blismo rests.

Speaker 11 Thank you.

Speaker 12 Wowie.

Speaker 20 Quade Blismo coming in hot.

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 12 Hastui Winko loves it.

Speaker 39 That's right. Here in the courtroom of Hastui Win.

Speaker 10 Wait a second. Who's that waving up there?

Speaker 40 Permission to speak, sir.

Speaker 20 Wow.

Speaker 9 Who am I to say no to a guy waving a flag?

Speaker 21 Objection?

Speaker 41 Objection.

Speaker 12 Counselor, counselor, the gentleman has a flag.

Speaker 30 Okay, objection. Are we to allow this fresh-faced youth with stars in his eyes to deliver what is no doubt a moving, passionate speech of his own?

Speaker 15 Objection, what he said.

Speaker 9 Objection overruled and objection overruled.

Speaker 12 Onward, young man.

Speaker 40 Thank you, Judge. Now I might just be extra in the gallery.
New to Hollowood. And, you know, maybe I just have a sack of dreams and a smile.
And a few 8x10 hollows that I'm handing out right now.

Speaker 40 Oh, wow.

Speaker 30 Whipping them.

Speaker 40 But I think that this is a grave miscarriage of justice.

Speaker 40 And I will do everything I can. Alright, alright.

Speaker 45 That's commercial. That's commercial.
Hey, listen. Extra? You're gonna get a line? Speed it up.

Speaker 40 Did I say it was too slow?

Speaker 46 Way too slow. You were really milking it.
Stop milking those teeth.

Speaker 40 But my species is lactating.

Speaker 18 I understand.

Speaker 18 Okay.

Speaker 17 Act, stay on your defense.

Speaker 22 Okay, I'm sorry.

Speaker 29 Well, you gotta have a guy to follow me.

Speaker 31 I told you I was gonna walk around.

Speaker 12 Have a good day.

Speaker 12 We don't have a cam guy today.

Speaker 21 Alright.

Speaker 15 I don't think Crofty got my request.

Speaker 48 There's dairy in my corner.

Speaker 45 Do I look like the person you should be complaining to?

Speaker 47 I don't know.

Speaker 21 No. No.
Crafty!

Speaker 13 Where the juck is crafty?

Speaker 49 Not only are they too short, they're far too salty.

Speaker 50 Alright?

Speaker 29 Get these out of my face.

Speaker 15 I'm also gluclosing tolerant.

Speaker 51 I'm scanning for gluclose.

Speaker 28 Gluclose found.

Speaker 15 Right, thank you. No.

Speaker 11 Individually wrapped mints dispensing.

Speaker 36 And we're supposed to make a meal of this.

Speaker 43 This is a meal now. Exactly.

Speaker 15 You know exactly where I'm coming from.

Speaker 38 Barge, I thought that went very well for us.

Speaker 52 Really? They just said a bunch of lies and you didn't correct them.

Speaker 26 Barge, were you listening to what I just said? I said every single one of them was false.

Speaker 36 I was going to prove all of them wrong.

Speaker 31 Also, we had that weird kid in the audience stand up.

Speaker 37 That's great stuff.

Speaker 9 What is that all about?

Speaker 26 I have no idea, but what I'm saying is we can use that, alright?

Speaker 38 That's a smoke screen. Okay,

Speaker 32 thank you so much. Thank you.

Speaker 37 Barge, I'm gonna air air kiss you to the left.

Speaker 38 I'm gonna air kiss you to the right.

Speaker 36 We are gonna get through this.

Speaker 22 Thank you.

Speaker 38 They're not gonna lay a finger on you, okay?

Speaker 33 Okay, we're heading back. Heading back.

Speaker 12 Sentients of all flavors and sizes, where Baba Baba back is sessioned right here.

Speaker 4 Honor, honor, honor me.

Speaker 10 Oh, interior fireworks.

Speaker 13 Never live without them, baby.

Speaker 6 Court of honorable Astui Winko is back in session.

Speaker 5 Loved it.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 13 Feel Bobby Go.

Speaker 13 And cut the fireworks.

Speaker 53 It's just us.

Speaker 20 Yeah, Justice.

Speaker 26 And don't forget the bailiff.

Speaker 12 We're coming back in for the trial of the Bargerian Jade, and we're back to the prosecution.

Speaker 15 The prosecution would like to call its first witness to the stand. Bargerian Jade son,

Speaker 15 formerly known as Blimpy, formerly Laser Ted, now known as Tree Boy.

Speaker 19 Organics and droids, please give a warm round of applause to the witness now entering through the big door on the floor.

Speaker 10 It's Tree Bay!

Speaker 39 Tree Boy, we'll have you please slate to the camera.

Speaker 7 Name, height, representation.

Speaker 55 Um, name is Tree Boy.

Speaker 57 I'm 70 meters high, and I uh have no representation.

Speaker 12 Huh?

Speaker 37 Not even seeking, okay.

Speaker 15 True boy. You are Bargerian Jade's son, are you not?

Speaker 57 Yes.

Speaker 15 And they've been your mother your entire life?

Speaker 28 What?

Speaker 15 Yes, yes, I know, please.

Speaker 57 Uh, yes.

Speaker 15 Would you say that they were a good mother or a bad mother?

Speaker 55 I was fine.

Speaker 57 She was fine as a mother.

Speaker 15 Give examples.

Speaker 56 Um, okay. When I had my first uh little league game, my mom was not there.

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 12 Yeah, I was like.

Speaker 13 Wow. Yeah.
Wow.

Speaker 12 Thank you.

Speaker 7 Objection.

Speaker 15 One in eight mothers who neglect their children at sports events end up being murderers based on science.

Speaker 17 I'm channeling.

Speaker 17 Your honor, the acting coach, would like to approach their client.

Speaker 21 Oh, Lord.

Speaker 15 Did my accent change?

Speaker 17 It slightly changed.

Speaker 15 Your accent changed. It did.

Speaker 17 We're We're channeling.

Speaker 17 Sexless. Right.
You know, childless.

Speaker 15 I was so sexy. I was so sexy.
You were oozing. I was oozing sexy.

Speaker 17 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 17 I'm back here. I'm in the back of the room.

Speaker 48 I'm getting turned off. Right, okay.

Speaker 15 I'll do it again. I'll do it.
I'll continue.

Speaker 13 And we're back in.

Speaker 10 Spotlights are hot and all.

Speaker 15 So you would say that your mother's a bad mother.

Speaker 12 What? Good.

Speaker 15 Thank you so much. The prosecution rests for this part.
What? What?

Speaker 23 Um,

Speaker 22 Tree

Speaker 22 if that is your real name.

Speaker 55 No, it's not.

Speaker 35 I mean, Blimpy's my real name.

Speaker 23 You admit, Tree Boy's not your real name.

Speaker 57 Well, it's changed a couple times.

Speaker 12 Oh, okay.

Speaker 26 So what you're saying is you're a person who changes your mind.

Speaker 41 Is that correct?

Speaker 57 I guess everyone changes their mind from Tree Boy.

Speaker 12 Oh, do they?

Speaker 49 Well, we all change our mind.

Speaker 33 Oh, wow.

Speaker 26 We're really learning a lot here from old Tree Boy.

Speaker 11 What?

Speaker 57 We're learning that people change their mind?

Speaker 27 Let me repeat to you what you said just a moment ago when you were asked, what kind of mother did you have?

Speaker 43 And you said she was fine.

Speaker 41 Is that correct? That's right.

Speaker 32 Okay, let me, because, you know, I don't want you to change your mind about this later.

Speaker 29 Let me describe to you what fine means.

Speaker 30 It means of high quality.

Speaker 42 Okay?

Speaker 32 It means good or satisfactory.

Speaker 27 It also means very...

Speaker 59 Objection relevance?

Speaker 50 Fellow culture literally reading definition of fine, so it's fine.

Speaker 10 Relevance?

Speaker 50 It's fine. Objection overlooked.

Speaker 27 So what I'm saying is, what you've described is actually a mother of very good quality.

Speaker 55 Sure, I see.

Speaker 20 Okay, well, great.

Speaker 29 Then the defense rests.

Speaker 46 Alright, we're gonna punch in, uh, and you're gonna do your product placement.

Speaker 45 Are you ready?

Speaker 46 All right, all right, we're uh

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Speaker 36 And that's a Quade Blismo guarantee.

Speaker 58 Checking with the executives in the booth?

Speaker 45 Yes, sir.

Speaker 22 Thank you. Judge, back to you.

Speaker 53 That's the end of round one here in the trial of the century, the trial of the Bacharian Jade. And I'm going to just say something.
It's a little off topic, but I'm going to need a crafty bop.

Speaker 12 I'm going to go nuts.

Speaker 41 It's going to be crazy.

Speaker 63 You're not going to see it cover.

Speaker 60 I'm going to ask for some licorice.

Speaker 37 No, I wouldn't have guessed it.

Speaker 36 I thought he was going to ask for a bunch of stuff.

Speaker 15 I can't do licorice. I'm allergic to all things sticky.

Speaker 10 Crafty bot.

Speaker 49 Licorice available, red or black.

Speaker 60 Spit it right in my mouth.

Speaker 13 Skit it, Jeffy.

Speaker 20 Okay.

Speaker 51 Can Crafty Bot interest you in a miniature case?

Speaker 12 Oh, boy, could you? Put it in my robe.

Speaker 10 Very well.

Speaker 31 Excuse me, it seems like the makers of this Crafty Bot are getting a lot of paid airtime.

Speaker 30 You're not the only corporate chill here.

Speaker 28 All right, all right.

Speaker 15 Prosecution would like to call next wisdom. Bargerian Jade's very famous ex-husband, Spaceship Spielship, to the stand.
He hasn't been seen in two years in person.

Speaker 38 Okay, but

Speaker 38 we knew they were gonna do this. We knew this was gonna happen.

Speaker 13 Here he is, racing up from the floor in a puff of smoke.

Speaker 60 And slay your name for the cameras?

Speaker 54 Spaceship Spielship.

Speaker 54 Wow.

Speaker 6 What a jarl.

Speaker 15 Now, Spaceship Spielship, what is your relation to the Bargerian Jade?

Speaker 57 The Bargerian Jade is my ex-wife.

Speaker 15 And how long were you two married?

Speaker 57 We were married for seven years.

Speaker 57 We met during a picture, decided to get engaged during the sequel. Fathered a child on the third film in the series.
By the fourth film, we were barely speaking to each other.

Speaker 15 And how would you describe your relationship with the Bargerine Jade?

Speaker 57 Chilly.

Speaker 15 And by chilly, what exactly do you mean?

Speaker 57 Financially chilly. Intellectually chilly.

Speaker 15 And would you describe your relationship now?

Speaker 15 That of a very successful Hollowood director and that of a financial murderer.

Speaker 15 Your Honor Mayor.

Speaker 15 I thought I'd end it like a little bit of excitement at the end.

Speaker 17 I just think it's too soon for that. We're still building attention.
We're still developing

Speaker 17 sad, pathetic, loft-wearing character.

Speaker 15 My hair is greasy.

Speaker 57 I would characterize the Bargerian Jade as a murderer financially. A financial murderer.

Speaker 15 Can you say that to Kammer and use the word murder just louder than the other words?

Speaker 57 The Bargerian Jade is a murderer of the financial financial.

Speaker 15 Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
I think we got it. Okay.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. That's it for prosecution.
We rest now for this.

Speaker 9 I just want to say I've never seen anyone direct the biggest director in the history of film.

Speaker 2 All of Hollywood.

Speaker 20 Bold move prosecutor.

Speaker 15 That's why they call me Susan Prosecutor First.

Speaker 40 Your Honor, if I can say one.

Speaker 34 I'll allow it.

Speaker 13 Of course. Wow.
Second flag.

Speaker 12 A second flag. Wow.
Whoa.

Speaker 40 I've been looking at this, quote-unquote, justice.

Speaker 40 And I have one thing to say. I, Phenom Pennyworth, who's currently seeking representation,

Speaker 40 was murdered financially by the Bargerian Jane.

Speaker 12 Wow.

Speaker 65 And that's commercial.

Speaker 49 I'm not allowed to respond.

Speaker 20 The cliffhanger ends there, maybe.

Speaker 36 I understand, I understand.

Speaker 37 But RG, actually, this is good for us. Okay, this is actually great for us.

Speaker 52 Okay, because I didn't do anything. Can I speak? Is this fine?

Speaker 13 Is this fine work or what's your right?

Speaker 12 Nothing matters in commercial.

Speaker 11 And

Speaker 46 three, two,

Speaker 34 and we're back.

Speaker 36 You know, I don't care for what you did out there.

Speaker 15 Well, why don't you take your nose and put it somewhere?

Speaker 9 It's better.

Speaker 63 Is this better?

Speaker 66 Do you like this? Do you you like my nose up close?

Speaker 15 Right on my nose.

Speaker 16 You're a dirty man.

Speaker 61 Oh, well, you're about to see how dirty I can get, sister.

Speaker 15 Why don't you rebuttal this?

Speaker 34 Oh.

Speaker 38 You slapped me right in my face.

Speaker 15 Why don't you slap your own trial?

Speaker 5 If you came for rules, then you came to the wrong city, wrong town, wrong courtroom, babbish.

Speaker 53 We are making sure justice gets hooked.

Speaker 3 I'll see you at the recess.

Speaker 15 I'll see you there as well.

Speaker 50 We fired our riders.

Speaker 22 Um spaceship spielship, if that is your real name.

Speaker 57 Uh it's not.

Speaker 33 Oh, really?

Speaker 66 How interesting.

Speaker 22 For the record, what is your real name?

Speaker 57 Starship Spielship.

Speaker 22 Uh so you're a sort of person who feels like they can just change their mind whenever they I did this, didn't I?

Speaker 28 I'll move on. I'll move on.

Speaker 26 Spaceship, or should I say, Starship.

Speaker 57 Either one is fine.

Speaker 26 You characterized your relationship with the Bajerian Jade as chilly.

Speaker 57 That's right.

Speaker 22 You said financially chilly. You said emotionally chilly.

Speaker 66 But I noticed you didn't say physically chilly.

Speaker 67 No.

Speaker 31 So why is that?

Speaker 57 Are you familiar with the term hatch to hatch?

Speaker 61 I think I've heard the term.

Speaker 68 The following part of this episode has been censored due to inappropriate content.

Speaker 37 Well, that was extremely graphic and not what I was after at all.

Speaker 56 Well, you asked.

Speaker 28 I did ask.

Speaker 66 That's on me.

Speaker 28 Let me move on.

Speaker 36 Mr.

Speaker 38 Spielship, you also mentioned during your testimony that on the fourth film you worked on, you grew apart.

Speaker 21 Now, why is that?

Speaker 57 Are you familiar with a ship hole?

Speaker 22 I'm familiar with the ship hole.

Speaker 68 The following 40 minutes of this episode has been censored due to inappropriate content.

Speaker 12 Now we are talking.

Speaker 10 This is some good, good justice.

Speaker 37 Okay, that is also not what I was after.

Speaker 13 All right.

Speaker 9 Hey, I feel this is a little fit.

Speaker 13 Can I chime in?

Speaker 36 Bart.

Speaker 68 This episode has been censored for the next 20 minutes due to inappropriate content.

Speaker 3 Jesus, it is. Okay.

Speaker 15 The prosecution would like to call its final witness.

Speaker 13 Wow.

Speaker 53 I think we're all waiting with bated breath to know if this witness knows anything about the crimes.

Speaker 15 He would like to call Samo and Wick.

Speaker 39 And repelling down from the ceiling on two tiny rogues.

Speaker 9 Ah, former rebel spies, dust heads to the max.

Speaker 13 Sus-sus-sus-semo and win-three-wing.

Speaker 5 Hi, guys.

Speaker 10 Splate it for the camera while spinning.

Speaker 40 Demo. And wait.

Speaker 40 Hi. Sky high on dust, baby.

Speaker 69 Representation? CAA!

Speaker 15 What is your relationship with the Bargerian J?

Speaker 40 Uh, Bargy was cool. We uh hung out a few times and uh we also did like a bunch of financial investments with Bargie.

Speaker 69 She we gave her a lot of our money because we trusted her with all the connections we had.

Speaker 40 Yeah, I do remember that Rink and I did give money to a holding company that was Bargie and Friends? Bargie and Friends, a holding company, and it was referred to as a shadow company.

Speaker 69 Yeah, we gave it like 300,000 crew.

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 69 Um, and then we built upon it. It literally was the shape of a pyramid.

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 40 And then, I mean, I have all the documentation for anybody that wants it.

Speaker 69 And we also have this, like, audio signature from Bargi that says,

Speaker 70 I approve of this financial transaction.

Speaker 40 We were super high, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't keep records, baby.

Speaker 15 Thank you. The prosecution rests this one again.

Speaker 49 Samo and

Speaker 66 Wink.

Speaker 36 Let me ask you: you two pretty big dust heads, are you not?

Speaker 66 Formally.

Speaker 47 Formally.

Speaker 69 Yeah, we haven't been able to do dusts for a while because we can't afford it anymore. Yeah.

Speaker 40 We went through dust withdrawal.

Speaker 69 And if you don't know how that's like, just like imagine. Like, seeing the world for like what it is.

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 40 And your skin getting like clear.

Speaker 69 And like losing weight. Yeah.
Feeling really healthy. And like.

Speaker 40 And like we're going on runs and stuff now.

Speaker 69 Yeah, and we do like yoga. Yes.
And space Pilates.

Speaker 40 A living hell.

Speaker 24 Right.

Speaker 22 But when you engaged in your financial transaction with the Bargerian Jade, were you or were you not on dust?

Speaker 13 Yeah. Very dusted.

Speaker 69 But we like think much better when we're on dust.

Speaker 59 Oh, how interesting.

Speaker 22 So you would say that your recall is actually improved while you're on dust.

Speaker 40 Yeah, I think so.

Speaker 49 Because I remember a moment ago when you said you gave Bargie a bunch of money.

Speaker 22 Oh, no, wait.

Speaker 32 You said you gave her business agents a bunch of money. Is that correct?

Speaker 40 Uh yeah, but Bargie was right there.

Speaker 32 Okay, but did you give Bargie the money, or did you give the business agent the money?

Speaker 40 Yeah, I guess we gave it to the business agent.

Speaker 21 Oh, oh, how interesting.

Speaker 15 He's leading the witness.

Speaker 9 Oh, I do the overrules.

Speaker 39 You actually

Speaker 39 have a long day.

Speaker 12 Right, no, I understand. It's like these

Speaker 12 12-hour shooting days.

Speaker 9 No, it's fine.

Speaker 12 It's no big deal.

Speaker 21 Right, okay, that's it.

Speaker 15 He's leading the witness. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 12 Okay, overrules.

Speaker 22 So, you gave the Bargerian Jade's business agents the money that you invested in these companies, which may or may not have had anything to do with the Bargerian Jade.

Speaker 49 I don't know, we were on dust.

Speaker 30 Oh, oh, so now your recall is worse because you're on dust.

Speaker 20 Uh, I guess I'm confused.

Speaker 15 I like the vibe that's happening here.

Speaker 40 I'm not into this.

Speaker 45 Uh, I'm sorry, we gotta cut the executives in the booth. Uh, they find this whole performance just not spicy enough.

Speaker 22 It's not spicy.

Speaker 43 Uh, I've actually got something, executives.

Speaker 36 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 45 You understand what we're asking for?

Speaker 12 I'm with you. I'm with you.
Alright, alright.

Speaker 32 So, Samo and Wink, it seems like you have some pretty severe memory problems. So, maybe what you need is Crafty Bot, if I could.
Some dust, please.

Speaker 40 Shuck, yes.

Speaker 51 Crafty bot dispensing dust.

Speaker 11 Wowie, Zowie, this is getting good.

Speaker 27 Samo and Wink, I will need you to do this dust and then answer my question.

Speaker 24 Okay. Okay.

Speaker 49 Let me ask you one more time.

Speaker 40 Classic.

Speaker 12 Did you

Speaker 32 or did you not keep going

Speaker 36 give any money

Speaker 26 directly to the Bargerian Jade?

Speaker 40 That's so weird because I was asking you the question. Yeah, answer the question.

Speaker 44 I did not.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 12 Wow, flipped it right back higher.

Speaker 26 Turned it right back in my face, but they never gave money directly to the Bargerian Jade, only her business agent.

Speaker 31 So it sounds to me like their qualm is with them and not the Bargerian Jade.

Speaker 42 Thank you.

Speaker 12 Wow.

Speaker 37 No more questions.

Speaker 50 Hairs are being split.

Speaker 15 Get out of your chairs and move your body because it's time for research.

Speaker 15 Everybody get them.

Speaker 10 We are back from halftime, ladies and gentlemen, Tiron Pump to justice, honorable Hastui Winkle, presiding.

Speaker 9 We're coming in hot into the second half, and we're getting ready for witnesses from the D Deep Defense.

Speaker 13 Go to it!

Speaker 38 Now, as is tradition in Hollywood court, all of the defense witnesses are surprise witnesses.

Speaker 22 So, without any further ado, let me bring in my first of three extremely surprising witnesses. Each more surprising than the last.
I present to you.

Speaker 20 Hey, I get it. Sorry, everyone.
Sorry, everyone.

Speaker 38 I actually don't know.

Speaker 37 Who is that bird?

Speaker 71 I'm Master Missions Operations Manager, Nermit Bundle. I just need to get.
I'm so sorry, Dernerp. I need to get onto the Bargerian Jade, actually.

Speaker 9 I am a lace.

Speaker 71 Bargy, no, it's Nermit. It's.

Speaker 58 It's.

Speaker 36 Okay, my client doesn't know who you are, so you're going to have to leave.

Speaker 58 Bargie, please open, just open the hatch.

Speaker 71 I need to get on. I'm not a witness.

Speaker 71 I'm just

Speaker 71 a Master Missions operations manager.

Speaker 21 Can we cut this?

Speaker 63 Can we cut this out?

Speaker 37 I don't know what this is.

Speaker 45 I mean, this is a surprise. The executives are loving this.

Speaker 18 Okay, great.

Speaker 50 We'll roll with it.

Speaker 20 My lover is giving birth.

Speaker 12 Oh, they hate it.

Speaker 18 I'm sorry. Okay.

Speaker 18 We don't want to talk about this.

Speaker 52 Oh, by opening up my ass.

Speaker 13 I'm covered.

Speaker 36 Okay, if we could get back to my surprise witnesses, I'd like to call for my first surprise witness, the Grower Mind.

Speaker 58 As the bailiffs whose whose responsibility it is to slate the witness i don't see

Speaker 12 wow

Speaker 30 out of the chest of the rash darn bailiff

Speaker 6 name height representation i am the grower mind my height is forever my representation is that of the undying will of the swarm also i'm freelancing with the universal talent agency now mr grower mind you and the bargerian jade have shared a relationship Is that correct?

Speaker 6 That is affirmative and true.

Speaker 32 How would you characterize, based on that relationship, the inner nature of the Bargerian Jade? What sort of sentient is she?

Speaker 6 The type of sentience that will care for those around her. There was a time when emotion and empathy and affection was shared between us.

Speaker 66 Well, that is interesting.

Speaker 27 Uh, Mr.

Speaker 22 Growamind, if possible, would you marry the Bargerian jade?

Speaker 6 Affirmative.

Speaker 15 Objection.

Speaker 12 Overall, this is good, hot, hot, nasty stuff.

Speaker 50 Thank you so much for your time, Mr.

Speaker 22 Growmind. No further questions.

Speaker 31 Prosecution, your witness.

Speaker 15 Mr. Grower Mind, is that what you go by?

Speaker 6 All species know my name.

Speaker 15 How would you describe what you do on a regular basis?

Speaker 6 I assimilate willing and unwilling species into the collective swarm into my hive mind.

Speaker 6 During the process of assimilation, the body goes through an ovomorphing process where carbon atoms are broken down into egg sacs, producing many types of castes in our perfect caste system.

Speaker 15 I see. Now, wouldn't you consider that to be a violent sort of work?

Speaker 43 Objection, objection.

Speaker 15 I'm just asking what he does.

Speaker 22 Well, he told you what he does.

Speaker 15 I'm getting more context.

Speaker 26 Objection refreshed.

Speaker 53 Nashkin,

Speaker 15 I like to point out he said the word killing. Garamind, do you have any financial transactions with the Barger and Jade?

Speaker 6 The Roarmine has transacted, as you put it, through crystals adorned to our hole for a decoration and defense.

Speaker 15 Interesting, could you please explain?

Speaker 6 The weavers of our perfect caste system imbue crystals made from mucus-laid egg sacs, the perfect defense developed over billions of years.

Speaker 6 Only the strongest types of space magic will be able to tear her beauty from it.

Speaker 10 She'll be undefeatable through her beauty.

Speaker 12 All will bow before her.

Speaker 15 And last question.

Speaker 15 Carmine, isn't it true that at the end of the day, you're just simply a biased character witness whose undying love for Bargerian Jade is making you willing to say anything to find her innocent, even though there is enough insurmountable evidence to find her otherwise.

Speaker 30 Objection, what's love got to do with it?

Speaker 41 Who got to do with it?

Speaker 39 Objection shush!

Speaker 59 Oh, good, great.

Speaker 33 No, no, no, you want the other one.

Speaker 12 No, no, you're that's the bad one for you.

Speaker 6 There is no guilt, there is no innocence, there is no good or evil.

Speaker 6 There is only the undying, perfect will of the swarm. Prior to leaving the stand, I have but one one viny to perform.
Children, all inner rooms, stand before me and come willingly into the hive.

Speaker 6 Everyone rise. I was told.
I was told that they would rise after this and willingly come.

Speaker 49 Your honor, permission to ion blast the witness.

Speaker 10 Uh, grant it. The will of the swarm.

Speaker 4 Justice is

Speaker 54 hot shots.

Speaker 66 Well, Quay Blismo is no stranger to a hostile witness.

Speaker 14 Remember, he was your witness.

Speaker 12 I mean, I remember.

Speaker 10 Who could an except

Speaker 12 witness be?

Speaker 35 I call to the stage Security Officer Dar.

Speaker 26 Security Officer Dar.

Speaker 53 Kind of a stage manager fail here.

Speaker 45 Alright, cut, cut, cut. Where is Dar?

Speaker 35 Barge, what happened?

Speaker 36 You said this person was not going to be lights out for you.

Speaker 12 Yeah, they are.

Speaker 15 They didn't go right now.

Speaker 45 We've already talked about this. That's not for television.
Nobody wants to see it

Speaker 45 or talk about it.

Speaker 12 I couldn't disagree more.

Speaker 60 I love the magic of birth. I watch birth.

Speaker 50 This justice watches birth videos nightly.

Speaker 22 I'm happy to continue on with my final surprise witness.

Speaker 42 The most surprising of all the witnesses.

Speaker 40 Me, Phenom Pennyworth.

Speaker 40 Currently seeking representation.

Speaker 6 No. Wow.

Speaker 31 You're honoring it.

Speaker 12 Who are you?

Speaker 9 Phenom Pennyworth is now parachuting.

Speaker 9 He's parachuting down from the upper decks.

Speaker 49 Phenom, don't get up on the stand.

Speaker 66 You're not a witness.

Speaker 40 I guess I won't get up on the stand. I guess I'll dance on the stand.

Speaker 15 Objection.

Speaker 15 Just, I mean, the whole thing.

Speaker 9 Honestly.

Speaker 39 Objection, Shoshone.

Speaker 3 Get this clown out of here.

Speaker 40 I got dreams.

Speaker 12 Phenom Pennyworth, E-E-J, I got dreams, I tell you.

Speaker 15 You can't take me out of here. I'm gonna be a star.

Speaker 21 A star, you hear me?

Speaker 71 Astar! A star!

Speaker 21 Be not a pennyworth.

Speaker 40 It's one end, so it'll really jock you up.

Speaker 36 It's a pennyworth?

Speaker 59 It's pennyworth!

Speaker 30 I don't think so.

Speaker 34 It's pennyworth!

Speaker 66 As I was saying, Your Honor,

Speaker 36 I call to the stand Mr.

Speaker 28 Leximar Pwench.

Speaker 2 Super Agent Leximar Pwench?

Speaker 10 That's correct.

Speaker 15 Zowy!

Speaker 22 Well, he's got a meeting with justice.

Speaker 5 Let's

Speaker 32 I just want to say, I love everyone's work here.

Speaker 44 Wow.

Speaker 64 Just a big fan.

Speaker 9 Big fan.

Speaker 39 Wow, that means a lot.

Speaker 60 Well, actually, it's an honor to ask you to slate the camera on this. Also, my real and

Speaker 53 my own judge's robes if you need to.

Speaker 58 Oh, fantastic. I always watch these.

Speaker 32 Thank you so much for this.

Speaker 63 Oh, wow.

Speaker 58 I'm Leximar Puench.

Speaker 58 I am two meters tall.

Speaker 39 Wow, exactly.

Speaker 32 And I am represented by Puench Associates, Incorporated Associates.

Speaker 50 Sign both both lines of that contract said Lexi Puench.

Speaker 58 Let's do it.

Speaker 44 Tell me a little bit about yourself.

Speaker 28 Um, I'd rather not, Mr.

Speaker 32 Puench.

Speaker 66 I'd like to ask you a number of questions about your client, the Bargierian Jade.

Speaker 22 Hey, Barge.

Speaker 30 You look great, by the way.

Speaker 44 Have you lost weight? I'm serious.

Speaker 5 A little awkward.

Speaker 21 But have you?

Speaker 52 I, uh, yeah, I am.

Speaker 47 How great is she?

Speaker 58 How great is she, am I right? Save my energy.

Speaker 21 Oh, you heard it here.

Speaker 32 Mr. Poench, she's extremely great.
There's no questions about that. What there are questions about is how great

Speaker 3 you are.

Speaker 9 Quade Blismo is turning it on his own witness.

Speaker 12 This is a good, good deal for the ratings.

Speaker 27 Mr.

Speaker 24 Poench, I assert that the Bargerian Jade entered into a contract with you to obtain acting work, her life's passion, and you took that contract and turned around and used it to make billions of croon off of her good name.

Speaker 58 Maybe old Lexi did a few deals on the back end, but hey, that's where I get most of my income.

Speaker 22 You took your ability to represent the Bargerian Jade and used it to misrepresent her all over town, as you can see from these clips.

Speaker 42 You know what's cool, kids? Coven paint bidder. Love it, and so does Bargy.

Speaker 4 This is by Jerry and Jade, and I approve of this message.

Speaker 40 You know what's lame? Child labor laws. Vote no on Proposition 2.

Speaker 52 This is by Jerry and Jade, and I approve of this message.

Speaker 4 Ooh, the smoky voice, leathery skin, and long-lasting health effects of a cigarette smoker.

Speaker 52 This is by Jerry and Jade, and I approve of this message.

Speaker 8 Jutpower, Jantawa. Jat Power, Jundawa.

Speaker 52 Jitawa, Gentawa.

Speaker 10 That's by far the worst one.

Speaker 22 And you thought this would be a fun little croon grab, didn't you, Mr.

Speaker 32 Puench?

Speaker 29 Didn't you?

Speaker 21 I thought it would be a lucrative croon grab. By the way, you are.

Speaker 44 I've seen you from something. What have I seen from you?

Speaker 66 You've definitely seen me in something.

Speaker 58 Do you currently have representation?

Speaker 35 Mr. Puench, is it fair to say that all of the counts of money laundering, of tax fraud, of tax evasion leveled at the Bargerian Jade in this court today are your doing and not the Bargerian Jade?

Speaker 21 Why are we all here?

Speaker 45 I'll tell you.

Speaker 21 Stories, right?

Speaker 22 Mr. Pwench, respectfully answer the question.

Speaker 25 Uh, I mean, my.

Speaker 45 Alright, um, uh, we're gonna skip right ahead to closing arguments.

Speaker 21 Oh, no, I got- I have to call Bargie to be saying.

Speaker 9 I have a lot to say. I think that's a good idea.

Speaker 12 Then you should have used your time more wisely.

Speaker 15 I have a video.

Speaker 45 You shouldn't have let Phenom Pennyworth talk so much.

Speaker 29 Okay, I didn't even call him to the stage.

Speaker 38 He wasn't your extra?

Speaker 36 No, I don't know.

Speaker 13 Was he your extra?

Speaker 15 No, I don't know.

Speaker 45 Well, listen, he stole your limelight, and he also stole time from your Star Witnesses system.

Speaker 31 Alright, Barge, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 52 Well, can I at least sing a song?

Speaker 60 Nope, we don't have time for it.

Speaker 11 And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment we've all been living our every moment of our lives up until this moment.

Speaker 10 For now, the closing arguments.

Speaker 15 Today you heard a lot of talk and movement and speech and imagery from both sides.

Speaker 15 And it's up to now, you, the viewers at home, all 7 billion of you, to vote in and text one for innocent, whatever, or two for guilty to 256-472-9653. This is a real number.

Speaker 15 I'm not lying to you, okay? It's two for guilty for the following reasons. We have many videos and audio transcriptions of her promoting things that are illegal and frankly outrageous.

Speaker 15 And I'm here today to say all 115 counts of financial treason and murder and unsafe scaffolding and for just wearing things out of style. I mean, come on, let's really think about it.

Speaker 15 Should be voted guilty. Thank you so much.
I rest my case for for real.

Speaker 39 That's it for the prosecution.

Speaker 7 Kicking it to the defense.

Speaker 38 Ladies and gentlemen of the viewing audience, we've had a lot of fun today, haven't we?

Speaker 28 It's been quite a ride.

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 38 Yeah.

Speaker 38 The Bargerian Jade is up here on a number of counts of tax evasion, of tax fraud, and of money laundering.

Speaker 20 Okay?

Speaker 23 And I'm not saying that those things didn't happen.

Speaker 52 but what I what wait hold on what Bargie just please

Speaker 37 Bargie, can you trust Blismo? Can you trust Blismo?

Speaker 8 Okay, fine.

Speaker 30 But what I am saying is the Bargerian Jade was swindled into agreeing to forfeit her likeness to a predatory agent by the name of Leximar Pwench.

Speaker 49 And Mr.

Speaker 26 Pwench used the wholesome, familiar, comforting image of the Bargerian J to promote his extremely questionable and frankly disgusting projects across the galaxy to the expense of Miss J.

Speaker 32 So is she guilty?

Speaker 9 Perhaps. What? No.
Barge, please.

Speaker 15 Bodge, please.

Speaker 26 Is the Bargerian J guilty?

Speaker 36 Perhaps.

Speaker 31 She may be guilty of trusting a bad agent,

Speaker 28 but she is innocent of all of these crimes.

Speaker 38 And in summation, I just like to say, we all want to be big stars, but we don't know why and we don't know how.

Speaker 23 But when everybody loves me,

Speaker 32 I want to be just about as happy as I can be.

Speaker 49 And that's exactly what happened to my client, the Bargerian Jade text one for innocent to 256-472-9653.

Speaker 24 This is a real number that you can text right now if you want to save a life.

Speaker 23 Thank you.

Speaker 52 And I'm Bargerian Jade, and I approve of this message.

Speaker 52 Also, there's something weird happening inside of me right now.

Speaker 9 Ladies and gentlemen, sentients, robots, beasts of all flavors, has this not been the most exciting trial in the history of the world?

Speaker 12 Hecked out just the world of all of Holovision.

Speaker 53 It's in your hands.

Speaker 10 You text one for innocent, two for guilty.

Speaker 53 To 256-472-9653.

Speaker 7 Standard data and penetration of life.

Speaker 50 Have we said that this is a real number?

Speaker 5 It's a real number.

Speaker 11 Did somebody say that? I'm out of my mind. We will pump up the justice and find out her fate

Speaker 39 on the next episode.

Speaker 7 You gotta get an honest justice thing. You gotta feel it deep inside your core.
You gotta reach down, grab it by the neck, pull it out.

Speaker 10 You gotta hold it in front of yourself.

Speaker 7 You gotta see which side do you think it's more.

Speaker 45 Who gave the judge more dust?

Speaker 4 I'm the old

Speaker 4 tint of money.

Speaker 4 I'm the old

Speaker 4 racer.

Speaker 4 I'm the whole

Speaker 70 Swear to tell the truth, throw up your right hand.

Speaker 65 Court is now a session.

Speaker 72 Pump up the justice, pump up the jams.

Speaker 65 Order in the court, says the man with the hammer. Slate the camera, make sure you don't stammer.
Objections will only get you so far.

Speaker 11 We don't follow rules cause we plug the bar.

Speaker 72 Watch your back, don't black ratings sour.

Speaker 65 Tex in the booth have all the real power.

Speaker 72 Tell us the story, show us the proof. But skip the bars up, just feel the

Speaker 70 Alright, that's lunch, everyone.

Speaker 45 Alright, uh, but first, uh, credit where credit is due. The honorable judges Stewie Winka was played by Seth Lynn.
Susan Prosecution and Wink were played by Bujan Sofagari.

Speaker 45 Defense attorney Quaid Bismelt was played by Jeremy Bent. Producer and the script supervisor were played by Allie Kokash.

Speaker 45 Phenomen Pettyworth, Tree Boy, Samo, and Leximar Plinch were played by Winston Knoll. Crafty Bot and Spaceship's Fieldship were played by Alden Ford.

Speaker 45 Oh, the Girl of Mine was played by special guest John Robert Wilson. This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent with some design and mixed.

Speaker 45 Bachane O'Connell recorded at at Robin Durgin Jr.'s Puppy Palace in Brooklyn, New York. Pump of the Justice theme song composed and performed by Coco and the Puppy Pound.

Speaker 45 Ship Design to the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goyce, audio hosted by Simplecast, and Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Pun Network.

Speaker 45 One more thing, we assure you, you can actually vote on the outcome of this trial. Text one for innocent, two for guilty, and the phone number 256-472-9653 to determine the fate of the Bargerian Jade.

Speaker 45 All right, that's last Sentient back in 30.

Speaker 73 Hi, I'm Dave.

Speaker 70 Hi, I'm Graham.

Speaker 73 And we're two house DJs who have been trapped inside our drum machine.

Speaker 74 We love it here, and we'd love if you stopped by and visited us every week on Stop Podcasting Yourself here on MaximumFun.org.

Speaker 73 We're just a couple of doofuses from Canada and listen to our show or perish.

Speaker 73 Stop podcasting yourself on maximumfun.org.

Speaker 62 Unless you're able to discuss the semiotics of Dire Wolves and Game of Thrones, Inside Pop is definitely not for you.

Speaker 64 Sean, that's a little extreme and also not quite true.

Speaker 62 Okay, Amita, how about Inside Pop is the podcast for people who love and appreciate the best pop culture has to offer? Much better.

Speaker 62 In every episode, we interview the people who create the culture you crave.

Speaker 64 Past interviews include Luke Cage showrunner Cheo Hidari Coker, the music supervisor of the Florida Project, and Mudbound director Dee Reese.

Speaker 62 You'll also get the very best pop culture recommendations in our Big Cell segment.

Speaker 64 Plus, the opinions of two TV producers who are pop culture obsessives and actually do care a lot about direwolves.

Speaker 62 Which, of course, symbolize our inability to truly connect with the natural world without ultimately destroying it and, in the process, destroying ourselves.

Speaker 64 Listen to Inside Pop every other Wednesday on the Maximum Fun Podcast Network.

Speaker 68 MaximumFun.org.

Speaker 74 Comedy and culture.

Speaker 62 Artist-owned, audience-supported.

Speaker 47 You know what?

Speaker 47 I'll overrule it.

Speaker 7 No, that's the one you don't want.

Speaker 8 Damn it.

Speaker 15 Damn it. No, it is.

Speaker 68 Oh, wait. You objected.

Speaker 47 I'm

Speaker 42 Goofy McJerkoff.

Speaker 8 You know, Goofy McJerkoff.

Speaker 8 I think that's it.

Speaker 8 I agree.