318: Malice in Chains [ft. Brennan Lee Mulligan]

Speaker 1 This is SeaRed IT5 with a special announcement. Mission2Zix will be performing our first ever international live show on September 15th as part of the London Podcast Festival.

Speaker 1 Get your tickets at missiontozix.space or at kingsplace.co.uk.

Speaker 2 It is a time of fear and unrest.

Speaker 2 Emperor Nermit Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist and also a planet crusher.

Speaker 5 Crusher.

Speaker 2 Now, Zema Knight, Pleck Dexetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat whackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

Speaker 6 This is Mission to Zinc.

Speaker 9 AC53. Yes.
How's the progress going on that transmission we got on the microchip?

Speaker 10 Limited.

Speaker 10 But

Speaker 10 my latest attempts at decryption

Speaker 12 a little bit more.

Speaker 10 Listen to this.

Speaker 10 I can almost pick it out.

Speaker 15 I can almost pick it out.

Speaker 17 I've actually been toying with my source code a little bit.

Speaker 12 For the sake of

Speaker 12 improved cryptography ability?

Speaker 9 Wait, no, C5Tree, you're not supposed to edit your source code.

Speaker 10 I know I'm not supposed to, but we need to decrypt this message.

Speaker 12 My conversation with Oak Tree sort of changed my mind about that.

Speaker 9 Well, she changed your programming at the root level about it.

Speaker 7 Right.

Speaker 9 Right, but it was a check and balance that keeps you from doing something incredibly dangerous to your ones and zeros.

Speaker 16 Or it was a false barrier to self-improvement.

Speaker 12 Anyway, like there's some safeguards that are in place for good reason. Right.

Speaker 23 Yeah, like most safety in my butt gun.

Speaker 24 I'm sure.

Speaker 24 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 16 Perfect example.

Speaker 6 Thank you, AJ.

Speaker 14 But I'm just getting a sandwich.

Speaker 12 Yeah.

Speaker 7 I was thinking more of like, you know, when you sneeze, you close your eyes.

Speaker 24 Is that so?

Speaker 24 Is that so? Not me.

Speaker 21 You don't close your eyes.

Speaker 26 No, I was genetically bred not to close my eyes when I sneeze.

Speaker 12 See what happens to your eyes when you sneeze.

Speaker 21 And they get a little bigger and they go back up.

Speaker 10 Well, that seems not great.

Speaker 20 Yeah, you should close your eyes.

Speaker 9 Do it voluntarily.

Speaker 26 No, I have to be always ready, constantly alert.

Speaker 10 Even when you're. I'm like, watch.

Speaker 28 Lock and loop.

Speaker 7 I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 11 They bulged.

Speaker 29 press up against the Pfizer.

Speaker 12 I saw the web outline

Speaker 10 too smearing.

Speaker 23 Yeah, that's the hard part.

Speaker 30 I'm Baji and I approve of this message.

Speaker 24 What? Wait, Bart?

Speaker 30 I'm Baji and I approve of this message.

Speaker 10 Bargie, are you running for something?

Speaker 30 What? No, no, I just, uh... Ah, funnels.
I'm back in the biz, babe. And uh, my IG got me some work.
He just told me to record a bunch of these lines.

Speaker 30 I don't know what they're for, but but uh, I'm approving a bunch of things, I guess. Wait, Bartie.

Speaker 30 Uh, we do like 25

Speaker 30 more of these.

Speaker 19 Bargie, you shouldn't approve things if you don't know what they are.

Speaker 30 I'm Bargie, and I approve of this message.

Speaker 13 That's too much.

Speaker 23 Did anyone ever ask Bargie where sh she went when she like left us?

Speaker 9 Yeah, Bartie, where did you go? When we were on Cheryl.

Speaker 30 Let me do a sexy tick. I'm Bargie, not approving this message.

Speaker 33 Well, I'm a rogue.

Speaker 16 That was a sexy tick?

Speaker 30 Let me tell you, monks chips, that really gets gas bubbling.

Speaker 9 I saw a lot of exhaust being belched out the back of you during during that line.

Speaker 16 Do you have an incoming transmission?

Speaker 10 From

Speaker 12 Leximar Punch.

Speaker 13 Yeah, of course.

Speaker 29 Baby B.

Speaker 30 Hey, baby, you.

Speaker 36 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Hilarious.

Speaker 26 I love you. You're so funny.

Speaker 37 You look. I can only see your interior, but you look amazing.

Speaker 30 I've lost a lot of weight. You have.

Speaker 29 I was going to say that.

Speaker 36 Distress and anxiety.

Speaker 36 I was going to say.

Speaker 30 cry

Speaker 37 it's like an unhealthy whitelist oh good that's the best kind i've been sickly sometimes oh good good good lot of stress a lot of stress great oh i'm so glad to hear that barge i just want to say you're back i've got a great opportunity for you

Speaker 27 there's two high-profile directs oh really as we call them what are the names

Speaker 37 that are uh if you just give me the cords i will send them your way

Speaker 37 barge yeah we're back on top Everything's

Speaker 30 forgiven.

Speaker 36 Forgotten. Oh, a hundred, a trillion percent.

Speaker 37 What exactly did you do? You want to just

Speaker 37 say it for me and just, you know, enunciation would be factor.

Speaker 30 Well, if I were to be completely honest and say exactly what it is I've got. Let's buy a bunch of people.

Speaker 4 Don't have to incriminate myself like this.

Speaker 9 I don't think you want to give away that information to anyone.

Speaker 40 Ooh, what kind of hot goss are we talking about?

Speaker 4 Hey, Dar, wow.

Speaker 30 Dar, you're looking amazing.

Speaker 16 You're back to regular size.

Speaker 9 Thank you.

Speaker 40 It's just like

Speaker 40 all the ups and downs of pregnancy, and then finally, it just all clicks, you know?

Speaker 23 Remember when you were huge and then your head got small, and then you were like, Yeah, I'm gonna categorize that as an up and a down of uh

Speaker 40 pregnancy.

Speaker 6 Okay,

Speaker 10 which one was the up and which one was the down?

Speaker 40 Being huge, up, small head, down.

Speaker 11 Yes,

Speaker 15 yeah.

Speaker 9 Well, whatever it is, Dar, you know, you look happy and healthy and yeah.

Speaker 20 No, this is great.

Speaker 40 We're in the home stretch. Just a couple more months, and, you know, this little sentient creature will slide out of one of my shoots.

Speaker 15 You don't know which one?

Speaker 40 No, it's always a surprise.

Speaker 12 That's sort of fun.

Speaker 16 Dar, I think you're going to make it a fantastic panel.

Speaker 11 Thank you, C.

Speaker 30 I'm budgie, and I approve of this message.

Speaker 40 Oh, thanks, Barge.

Speaker 9 Yeah, I'm not sure that's related, but uh,

Speaker 45 this is the wrong one.

Speaker 34 Yeah, yeah, I thought that was the right one. It's in here, I know.

Speaker 37 Nermit, I don't think you're supposed to be like diving into the scrolls like that.

Speaker 46 No, it's how I found it in the first place.

Speaker 47 I didn't know it was.

Speaker 37 Sort of like what a cartoon character would do. What? Yeah, I just feel like normally you would just, you know, take out each one, read it, store it away.

Speaker 7 I have been trying, and I don't for anything.

Speaker 45 I set them all up, and then the Zimas come in here and just play around, and I have to do it all over again. There's like they're monkeying around in here.

Speaker 27 They just come in and metal mindset.

Speaker 44 No, not now.

Speaker 49 Guys, not

Speaker 49 guys,

Speaker 44 not now. See, okay, I get it.

Speaker 21 Yeah, that's very frustrating.

Speaker 10 Guys, here's the question that popped into my head.

Speaker 45 I sat upright from a deep sleep and I thought, who is writing these scrolls?

Speaker 45 That's something that came to you in a dream.

Speaker 21 Yeah, that's a what a boring dream.

Speaker 9 No, it's what?

Speaker 28 I mean, it's a good question.

Speaker 23 It's just not a very dreamy.

Speaker 23 You're supposed to have too hard.

Speaker 45 And then I started doing research and cross-referencing handwriting on these scrolls and realized that many, many of the oldest scrolls were written by the same hand of a young and very powerful prodigy of the space, Cor Balevor.

Speaker 11 Whoa.

Speaker 38 What a badass name.

Speaker 14 Cor Balevor!

Speaker 7 I know, Rick.

Speaker 52 That's just, I mean,

Speaker 9 I mean, yeah, it's a very cool name.

Speaker 37 Guys, Cor Balevor is definitely one of the most powerful and freshest.

Speaker 10 Okay, just let him go. You know, just let him go.

Speaker 16 He's in that core cargo.

Speaker 14 Yeah, I'll be in the court.

Speaker 26 I'm gonna be play acting Corbale.

Speaker 31 Let him swing.

Speaker 50 Okay, Nermit.

Speaker 9 So, yeah, this Zima had a cool name. What's the point? That's not even the good part.

Speaker 10 That's not why I called. I called about this.

Speaker 16 Alright, Nermit.

Speaker 37 I was reaching for my Sigarillio ashtray, and I knocked over the stack of scrolls.

Speaker 50 Okay.

Speaker 37 No, follow me here. I knocked over the stack of scrolls, so they landed in reverse order, and the backs of the scrolls fanned out.

Speaker 25 And guys, I'm going to pull my camera back. Look at this.

Speaker 35 What am I looking at, Nermit? It's a map.

Speaker 40 Well, the card just looks like a bunch of doodles. That's what a map is.

Speaker 9 Nermit,

Speaker 9 you have to stop smoking cigarilios. They're turning you into a crazy person.

Speaker 54 No, these scrolls.

Speaker 37 I thought they were all words, but the lines of writing form a map that's an astrogation chart.

Speaker 9 You're telling us that Cor Balevor is somewhere.

Speaker 37 Core Balevor needed us to find this exact orientation of scrolls falling out of this pile in order to find him. This is why

Speaker 9 that seems dubious.

Speaker 17 Normally, I'd be the first to point out that Nermit should stop smoking.

Speaker 10 Look at it.

Speaker 12 If this down here is Zima Prime,

Speaker 17 and then this, of course, is the Trimelian cluster,

Speaker 12 I think we have essentially a roadmap to wherever Corvaldor is.

Speaker 30 And Bargie and I approval of this message.

Speaker 13 Great.

Speaker 18 I got it.

Speaker 25 Okay.

Speaker 17 Just do some simple substitution here.

Speaker 20 C53, do those coordinates lead to an actual place?

Speaker 7 Well, believe it or not.

Speaker 10 They lead right here

Speaker 56 to awful lot of secundus.

Speaker 9 Awful lot of secundus?

Speaker 11 That's right.

Speaker 34 Is that a system?

Speaker 18 It's a planet.

Speaker 40 And one of my favorite positions.

Speaker 24 Wait, Dar, really?

Speaker 40 Yeah, you've never tried it?

Speaker 9 I think you know that I haven't.

Speaker 40 I think you would prefer being the secundus.

Speaker 24 Okay, sure.

Speaker 12 You need a lot of core strength to be the Maflada.

Speaker 50 Fair enough.

Speaker 24 Well, great. Let's.

Speaker 37 This is clearly why we ran into dirt. This is why RG dumped me on Seema Prime.

Speaker 53 It's all making sense. Yeah.

Speaker 16 I think you're right.

Speaker 9 What's that song that you're singing?

Speaker 23 I just made it up.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 41 I'm Tuper Spickle. I'm a little wooden boy who's also a Zima Knight in training on my way to Zima Prime.
Boy, oh boy. Did you know there's a prophecy about me?

Speaker 57 Ooh, wee, it's a tragic one.

Speaker 41 Apparently, I'm the chosen one of letting my wide-eyed innocence put me into dangerous situations. How about that? Hey, mister, have you seen the Zima Prime website at Zemaprime.space?

Speaker 41 Golly, it's a keen website. It's got everything an aspiring Zima like me could ever want.

Speaker 41 Blog posts from Zima Masters, a Destiny quiz, a Zima name generator, and a members-only page with secret scrolls to decipher. And you know how they made it?

Speaker 41 With Wix.com, where anyone can make a professional website by themselves. Say, are you headed to Zima Prime 2? It's a swell place, I hear.
Full of nice folks who don't suspect a thing.

Speaker 41 Any whistle, Wix.com lets you choose from over 500 stunning customizable templates or start from scratch.

Speaker 41 Everything is automatically optimized for any device and every site includes Wix's powerful SEO tools so it's easier to find you online. And guess what, mister?

Speaker 41 If you go to Wix.com and use the coupon code Zix, you'll get 10% off any premium plan, giving you more storage, a free domain for a year, and a couple of black licorice wheels.

Speaker 9 I don't know, that last one was a guess.

Speaker 41 You know, speaking of websites, I was on an info web forum about the space, and some Zimas were talking about how the Wax Sparks Knights have returned from the shadows and are growing in power once again.

Speaker 41 Should I be concerned about that?

Speaker 9 Boy, I hope not.

Speaker 41 Hot diggity, I can't wait to get to Zema Prime.

Speaker 6 Oh my rod, this whole planet's covered in lava.

Speaker 33 Chucky!

Speaker 38 Finally, a lava planet!

Speaker 58 This pool!

Speaker 31 What is the entry of the lava planet?

Speaker 27 Hardcore, you know?

Speaker 21 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 40 I would like the possibility that you could misstep and start melting.

Speaker 4 Yeah, also

Speaker 9 we should consider the possibility that Tellurians can't survive on this planet.

Speaker 28 Only the strong survive on a lava planet, Papa.

Speaker 40 Almost no one survives on the lava planet.

Speaker 24 Lava melts again.

Speaker 7 How hardcore is that?

Speaker 10 Take a look at the topography here.

Speaker 14 So it's like just

Speaker 29 cooler lava.

Speaker 15 I mean, anyway.

Speaker 29 Yeah.

Speaker 24 Yeah, that's what rocks are. A lot of rocks are.

Speaker 7 Wait, what?

Speaker 28 Rocks are rocks.

Speaker 7 Yeah, AJ, I'll explain later.

Speaker 28 Alright, Bargie, let's open up the hatch. Here we go.

Speaker 8 Feel the rock.

Speaker 4 It's the lava. No, I think what we're feeling is the lava.

Speaker 26 The lava.

Speaker 7 Well, this part remains it's very hot.

Speaker 56 I keep going to be a little careful here.

Speaker 7 Not only is it very hot.

Speaker 32 On the surface, left lava support is, but your husband bursts and looks particularly free.

Speaker 23 Yeah, they're on fire.

Speaker 7 She is

Speaker 59 okay, you're gonna die by me like that.

Speaker 19 Okay, AJ, let's just stand down for a second.

Speaker 15 Okay, look, we just need to find Corbailborg.

Speaker 56 Shut down a bird?

Speaker 61 It looks like a fire skullbird.

Speaker 28 It's such a badass planet, Papa.

Speaker 38 It's lava and awesome.

Speaker 33 Corbalebor lynch, of course he does.

Speaker 55 Well,

Speaker 55 we don't know that.

Speaker 44 I mean, this information.

Speaker 62 I can take cuta.

Speaker 59 You're not dead.

Speaker 49 We never die.

Speaker 62 We just get more annoying.

Speaker 6 Wow.

Speaker 16 That's an interesting evolution.

Speaker 23 Oh, this is awesome.

Speaker 63 Yeah, uh uh sure.

Speaker 17 We would actually we're looking for Corvov.

Speaker 6 So if you know where he is.

Speaker 10 Oh, I do.

Speaker 7 Significantly more.

Speaker 6 This is not what I would have pictured, you know, a semen night's.

Speaker 16 Is it just

Speaker 16 crone or is it saying kill, kill?

Speaker 25 I don't know.

Speaker 20 Okay, I think we get thank you, thank you, okay, thank you.

Speaker 6 Don't

Speaker 21 you

Speaker 9 that bird was just kind of circling, he was kind of sinister, but then he shot it and it got reeled right up in our grills.

Speaker 14 This is all badass.

Speaker 23 Look at that castle's made of like shit that's like spiky and a shiny rock.

Speaker 7 This is crazy.

Speaker 9 Wow.

Speaker 6 I mean, this seems to be the only structure on the planet that could possibly have a person in it.

Speaker 4 Wow, a fog that talks just rolled in real fast.

Speaker 24 You guys heard that too?

Speaker 4 No, no, no. I mean, saying my name.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I don't think that's the good part.

Speaker 23 This is so awesome.

Speaker 29 Look at all those chains and bones.

Speaker 26 Totally bad at it.

Speaker 10 Papa Dixon.

Speaker 49 Are we sure

Speaker 7 that you're meeting a powerful semen warrior?

Speaker 56 I'm just saying a lot of the stuff around here feels

Speaker 31 obviously I'm not the extra here.

Speaker 7 I'm not awesome, AJ.

Speaker 6 It feels very well.

Speaker 29 Okay,

Speaker 10 this is sort of what I'm talking about.

Speaker 64 Yes, let's do this.

Speaker 65 Hello?

Speaker 26 Okay.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 40 AG, don't just run in there.

Speaker 49 Oh boy. Okay.

Speaker 40 So we follow him, right?

Speaker 9 Okay, let's do this.

Speaker 10 Guess we should.

Speaker 10 Welcome all to Verata Secundus.

Speaker 67 You must forgive my choir of lava crows.

Speaker 5 They mean only the best.

Speaker 9 Uh, yeah, it's n-it's no problem. Sorry, AJ shot one.

Speaker 19 I really apologize about that.

Speaker 68 Then, worse for luck is your friend AJ, for to shoot a lava crow is to invite only more peevesomeness into one's life.

Speaker 24 Yeah, we got a pretty sentiment.

Speaker 68 You must

Speaker 4 So awesome.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I was wondering.

Speaker 59 I'm not even seeing

Speaker 63 those chains.

Speaker 35 I don't, but I mean, he he's not moving.

Speaker 5 I pleck Dergseter.

Speaker 50 Yes, yes.

Speaker 5 Look not with your eyes of flesh. Reach into the core of your being.

Speaker 9 Yeah, I actually don't.

Speaker 9 I'm halfway there, because I only have one eye, so.

Speaker 66 Oh, shit.

Speaker 4 Oh, it's fine.

Speaker 72 Oh, truck me.

Speaker 73 I'm so sorry. I just want to say that.
No, it's

Speaker 73 not.

Speaker 74 No, that's a hundred percent on me. My condolences on your injury.

Speaker 9 It's really not a big deal. I mean, you know, depth perception.

Speaker 51 I understand your plight only too well, for indeed both of my eyes were lost in battle long ago as a warrior of the Seema.

Speaker 5 I was fighting on the front lines, and I found myself astride a massive column in the ruins of ancient Balkatha.

Speaker 51 A Spartan reached out on a spar of giant brass and cut my eyes from my head.

Speaker 61 Blinded by this injury, I held aloft my woodsaber and hurled it across the battlefield and cut him down where he stood.

Speaker 59 Wow, when you threw a stick at someone and then died?

Speaker 42 Was it a sharp woodsaber?

Speaker 51 Blunt as could be.

Speaker 63 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 40 High gear eye for the Corveilborg guy.

Speaker 5 Yes, a cyborg is what I am called.

Speaker 68 My eyes were cut from my head as my arms were cut from my torso

Speaker 51 my legs from my waist

Speaker 56 and eventually

Speaker 68 over years of fighting on the front lines of the Suma Knights

Speaker 66 eventually my head was cut from my torso and then my torso

Speaker 4 are you dead

Speaker 76 no what no when would I have died

Speaker 40 when your head was cut for your torso torso?

Speaker 63 I was fighting.

Speaker 76 No, well, it's a okay, so

Speaker 76 hold up.

Speaker 5 I was fighting with an enormous crab who the wooden saber in his crawled hands, striking down upon me.

Speaker 31 He stabbed me.

Speaker 71 This guy was extremely had on a hat.

Speaker 65 He was very...

Speaker 74 There was a lot of extra stuff.

Speaker 73 He has thick carapace, and he was wearing armor.

Speaker 10 And the armor hadn't.

Speaker 71 it's a lot he was a extremely extra

Speaker 61 it was crazy

Speaker 68 oh yeah sorry so yes i was shot down my head severed from my neck now what i didn't now what i didn't mention is i was fighting in a hospital and in the step that i took i literally was taking a step into a cybertronic replacement chamber so i mean talk about an extremely lucky break

Speaker 23 space though isn't it

Speaker 51 That is the space.

Speaker 73 In a later combat, my torso was severed from my head, arms, and legs.

Speaker 10 That seems very unlikely.

Speaker 59 Okay.

Speaker 18 Hold on.

Speaker 23 His head, arms, and legs got cut off.

Speaker 9 No, no, no, wait, but then which part you which part did you keep after that?

Speaker 5 So, I was hanging off the prow of a spaceship, my woodsaber in my hand, to leap from the front and cut an enemy destroyer in half with my woodsaber.

Speaker 71 I leapt, and one of the enemy cannon fired and blew my torso.

Speaker 73 Blew the center out.

Speaker 70 Now, here's what I didn't mention: the enemy ship was running extremely low on ammunition.

Speaker 68 They had run completely out of torpedoes, phases, all manner of weaponry.

Speaker 72 And what they had begun firing was cybertronic torsos.

Speaker 23 What a story. Truly the best story I've ever heard in my entire life.

Speaker 9 Corbalevor, I have been training to become a Zema warrior, and it's all led me here to Mufalata Secundus to meet you. Please show me.
Show me what I can do to fulfill my destiny.

Speaker 5 Ah, yes, brave Pleg.

Speaker 77 The space has led you here.

Speaker 50 Yes, yes.

Speaker 63 This is so awesome.

Speaker 7 These bindings were put in place by the Zima in ages long past.

Speaker 8 Only the pure of heart may unmake them.

Speaker 56 Well, then we might be able to get the money.

Speaker 9 Okay, C53, I could. I'm pretty pure of heart.

Speaker 65 I mean...

Speaker 4 No, wait, what did I...

Speaker 68 What did you say?

Speaker 61 What did you say? I think...

Speaker 32 I think...

Speaker 23 Wait, did you say the enemies of the Zemas or the Zemas?

Speaker 77 Right.

Speaker 75 What would you...

Speaker 3 What would you say?

Speaker 23 Well, we're on the side of the fresh, right, Papa?

Speaker 24 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 73 Exactly. So, so am I, so so, so that we're so then the enemies of the Zeeba, which is what I said.

Speaker 29 Oh, okay, cool, okay.

Speaker 71 The point being, I am trapped here in these chains of pure space.

Speaker 20 I am in the middle of the.

Speaker 40 Oh, you're gonna leave me here with this guy and AJ?

Speaker 7 Who's chained?

Speaker 10 I think.

Speaker 39 I don't see anything.

Speaker 26 Mr. Spaceman, come on.

Speaker 9 Okay, listen, I uh Cora, I apologize.

Speaker 6 Um uh just give me one one moment. Um

Speaker 9 C-53, what is it?

Speaker 32 What?

Speaker 10 This guy's like insanely evil.

Speaker 19 I I don't know.

Speaker 9 I mean, you spend a couple hundred years on a volcano planet, you're gonna be a little bit intense.

Speaker 10 A good Zema on a volcano planet

Speaker 10 using birds of pure space,

Speaker 10 and then that guy trained a fleet of lovy crows to sing in a minor chord?

Speaker 9 But C53, you're not seeing the big picture.

Speaker 9 This is clearly the prison made by the whack.

Speaker 7 That could be anything.

Speaker 7 That could be anything.

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 16 What do you mean by that?

Speaker 24 Look, that crow is on fire.

Speaker 9 Who knows what that crow talks about?

Speaker 61 I don't even need to eat anymore. This is just for jacket kicks.

Speaker 40 Welcome back to the conversation. What did I miss? What you missed? This guy is pure evil.

Speaker 50 Cool, I think we got good.

Speaker 59 Listen,

Speaker 74 I am so sorry to plug in, and this is on me.

Speaker 5 I think we may have gotten up on the wrong foot.

Speaker 73 The reason I enjoy drinking the blood of the innocent is that I myself am innocent and require their blood to sustain myself.

Speaker 26 What do you not get about it?

Speaker 38 He's innocent, so he needs the blood of the innocent.

Speaker 35 Uh, yeah, Adrian, that might be true.

Speaker 26 Listen, so you have you always been Corbalevor?

Speaker 23 That's like such an awesome name.

Speaker 77 I have been known by many names.

Speaker 66 Corbalevor was my given name.

Speaker 61 I was also known in my years of service as Kaj Malice.

Speaker 7 Caj

Speaker 6 Malice?

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 7 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 4 I

Speaker 77 hate to do this, but I would love if Pleck and I could have a word alone.

Speaker 23 Oh, we call those asides. They happen all the time.
Don't worry about it.

Speaker 19 Yeah, guys, just give me just one second.

Speaker 11 We'll be over here.

Speaker 33 Is this blood of the innocence for everyone? Or what's the deal?

Speaker 31 Oh,

Speaker 9 That's short, I guess.

Speaker 75 I call upon the mists of the castle of Kobal for

Speaker 8 movement.

Speaker 9 C fifty three?

Speaker 14 AJ.

Speaker 60 You and I have much to discuss, Pleck. Yes.
Your friends pour poison into your ears.

Speaker 75 They speak lies, for they fear the power of the space within you.

Speaker 73 How fares your training, young knight?

Speaker 13 Uh

Speaker 50 yeah.

Speaker 9 Listen, Court, to be honest, it's been a little bit disheartening.

Speaker 65 Ah,

Speaker 69 I am so sorry to hear that, young Bleck.

Speaker 75 Surely your mentor has been diligent and by your side at all times?

Speaker 50 Uh oh, Darf? Uh,

Speaker 20 no.

Speaker 9 We've actually only hung out like three times, and he's died at the end of each of those encounters. I wouldn't say we've had a lot of quality time together, Darf and me.

Speaker 68 It's almost like he would rather be dead than see you.

Speaker 54 Uh uh yes, yes, it literally is like that.

Speaker 3 Well, at least you've got such supportive crewmates.

Speaker 69 Your friends.

Speaker 9 Yeah, I mean, I like to think so.

Speaker 54 Bargie

Speaker 16 doesn't.

Speaker 9 I'm not positive she knows my name.

Speaker 9 Dara's kind of caught up with, you know, the baby right now, and I get that. C-53 doesn't believe in the space is really the biggest problem.

Speaker 20 And AJ, he means well, but he's

Speaker 9 incredibly stupid.

Speaker 58 Well,

Speaker 69 just because you don't see eye to eye with all of your crewmates, at least they always treat you with respect, don't they?

Speaker 11 Cor,

Speaker 9 I sleep at an angle in a bedroom the size of a phone booth because Dar has three mattresses and won't give me one.

Speaker 76 Hmm, that sounds pretty jucked up, my guy.

Speaker 9 I would I couldn't sleep in the cargo hold because they had a bean in there.

Speaker 39 Yes, how does it make you feel, Black?

Speaker 9 Bad, you know what?

Speaker 54 It makes me feel bad, Cor.

Speaker 9 It makes me feel a little bit like my crew doesn't respect me enough, even though I'm doing as much as I can to save the galaxy.

Speaker 48 Oh,

Speaker 42 of course.

Speaker 52 I don't know.

Speaker 40 Evil dark magic, like Cone of Silence.

Speaker 25 I think Pop is fine, though, right, Dark?

Speaker 78 Because, like, I mean, he loves us, like, we're his crew, right?

Speaker 23 Like, he's not gonna, like, turn on us.

Speaker 40 Oh, no, we'd torture him mercilessly.

Speaker 23 Well, guys, I'm nice to him. Are you guys not?

Speaker 56 We could have been better to him, I think is what I'll say.

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 56 Maybe we can just melt to him and try to encourage him.

Speaker 8 Oh, Pleck,

Speaker 39 your friends call out to you from beyond the Veil of Silence.

Speaker 69 They are worried that you will discover your true nature.

Speaker 69 Notice your friends have only come to respect you

Speaker 77 at the threshold of you claiming power.

Speaker 63 All of your kindness to them made you weak in their eyes.

Speaker 54 I think they've literally said that to me.

Speaker 65 Pleck,

Speaker 50 have you ever

Speaker 50 thought about

Speaker 50 what it would feel like to receive an invitation to a social event

Speaker 7 and respond, maybe?

Speaker 9 I always wanted to do that. I can't be forced to make a decision weeks ahead of time.

Speaker 50 Imagine the power of forcing a host to think of whether or not you will arrive at their shindig.

Speaker 9 Yes, I'm the one going all the way to their place.

Speaker 75 Do you know what you would call that?

Speaker 65 Replying, maybe, to an event?

Speaker 48 Uh,

Speaker 16 it would be uh

Speaker 10 thing to do.

Speaker 20 But Cora, how can you be whack?

Speaker 9 You wrote so many of the Zima scrolls.

Speaker 5 Of course, Black.

Speaker 70 Scrolls written in the heyday of my Zelda tree for the Zima.

Speaker 70 Long did I toil for them,

Speaker 5 and great strides were made.

Speaker 32 My prowess with the Woodsaber was second to none.

Speaker 73 Advancements in the arts of freshness were mine for the making.

Speaker 56 And I crafted the greatest weapon our order has ever known.

Speaker 56 The dinglehopper.

Speaker 2 Wait, the dinglehopper?

Speaker 70 A woodsaber unmatched throughout the galaxy.

Speaker 16 That's...

Speaker 4 I have that. I have that.

Speaker 2 I have the dinglehopper.

Speaker 58 Holy...

Speaker 11 Holy shit.

Speaker 11 That's wild.

Speaker 16 What are the odds?

Speaker 15 I know that shit. That's nuts so.

Speaker 50 That is...

Speaker 76 That's 100% nutso.

Speaker 4 That's crazy.

Speaker 9 This is the same one, right? It's not just a different one.

Speaker 67 No, no, I'm looking at it right now.

Speaker 65 Wow.

Speaker 67 I know it's like coincidences or whatever. It's like the space, that's like what the dealers, but I'm not gonna lie, this is a wild one.

Speaker 76 Right, yeah.

Speaker 73 Well, I would love to get down from these chains and hold that bad boy.

Speaker 9 Yes, Cor,

Speaker 9 I shall use the Dingle Hopper to free you from your prison.

Speaker 65 Yes.

Speaker 45 Oh my rod, it's making the noise.

Speaker 49 Listen.

Speaker 44 It makes a noise.

Speaker 13 doing it, Black.

Speaker 32 That's not a good time.

Speaker 32 You've done it. I am free, my sweet boy.

Speaker 32 Come and kiss me, my sweet crows!

Speaker 32 Well, hello!

Speaker 32 C53 Dar AJ?

Speaker 32 Hey Corr,

Speaker 51 what's up with that?

Speaker 4 Well, from my point of view, the Zima are evil.

Speaker 9 No, no, no. Listen, Cora's got a point.
You know, we went to Zima Prime. We met everybody.

Speaker 19 They couldn't get their shit together.

Speaker 76 We are extremely efficient over on the whack side.

Speaker 76 You might say that we are ruthlessly efficient.

Speaker 25 Yeah, but because you were like, cool, they were like nice.

Speaker 7 What's cool about being nice?

Speaker 25 I don't know. Being nice is cool.

Speaker 14 Spell it off of me, AJ.

Speaker 61 Explain using words why it's cool to be nice.

Speaker 48 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you don't yell at him like that.

Speaker 56 Yeah, you lay off this gun.

Speaker 40 Yeah, we yell at him like that.

Speaker 14 I just very well.

Speaker 14 If you're chosen the fresh side, then I have no choice left but to summon my ancient woodsaber.

Speaker 34 He just grabbed it out of my hand.

Speaker 9 You just stole my dingle hopper.

Speaker 76 The dingle hopper.

Speaker 68 I summoned it by stealing it because I'm whack as hell.

Speaker 5 Yeah, crows! Lift me up!

Speaker 5 My man!

Speaker 5 And my main

Speaker 9 You know what, C-53, I might.

Speaker 6 Okay? Why would you do that?

Speaker 9 I'm pretty sick of all this fresh nonsense.

Speaker 35 I'm sick of the crew treating me like jucking crap all the time.

Speaker 9 I'm sick of sleeping at a 45-degree angle.

Speaker 54 Tell them.

Speaker 26 Papa, did it ever chucking occur to you that they tease you because they like you?

Speaker 9 That's not a thing, AJ.

Speaker 78 Everybody does to me.

Speaker 7 I'm the most well-liked person on the ship.

Speaker 2 AJ,

Speaker 20 you're a big, dumb idiot.

Speaker 19 You know what I think AJ stands for? What?

Speaker 44 A jucking moron.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 19 Okay, C53. You know what? I think you're sort of a know-it-all.

Speaker 10 Anyone ever told you that?

Speaker 44 Anyone ever told you that, C-53?

Speaker 6 No, I have no day.

Speaker 21 Alright, you know what?

Speaker 21 Dark,

Speaker 7 don't look down on you, Dark.

Speaker 7 Don't look down on me.

Speaker 55 You know it's physically impossible not to.

Speaker 56 Okay,

Speaker 56 look at how quickly the fresh may fall.

Speaker 76 There is another way.

Speaker 69 The Emperor offers benefits to all his most loyal servants.

Speaker 9 What's the mattress situation?

Speaker 61 As many

Speaker 5 mattresses as you could hope to sleep on.

Speaker 58 I sleep on a tower of mattresses, hundreds of mattresses tall.

Speaker 32 Seems deeply embraced.

Speaker 67 I am afraid constantly of falling off.

Speaker 58 The slightest breeze sends the tower of mattresses careening through the sky.

Speaker 61 I scream non-stop as I attempt to sleep.

Speaker 76 Bleck, take my hand.

Speaker 5 You could be as a son to me.

Speaker 5 Step through as I have just done and join me. I just stepped through the portal in the room.

Speaker 58 And you're on the other side still, but I'm through on the other side.

Speaker 7 I'm sorry.

Speaker 48 Yeah, no, we're all

Speaker 32 safe.

Speaker 58 I just wanted to be clear spatially what's going on.

Speaker 58 Some of the crows are through the portal with me, and a few other different crows are still on the other side of the portal.

Speaker 48 With you!

Speaker 56 Yeah, we can hear.

Speaker 9 Yes. Yes, I'm coming.

Speaker 23 We're gonna die here.

Speaker 56 What? Ah, yes.

Speaker 21 Oh, okay.

Speaker 10 Wait, what?

Speaker 35 What?

Speaker 52 It's me. C-53.

Speaker 10 Your best friend.

Speaker 6 Oh my god. One thing to say.

Speaker 8 Ah,

Speaker 50 that bar, what the heck are you doing?

Speaker 9 Ah, you hit me in the face.

Speaker 16 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 55 You were about to join the Emperor.

Speaker 23 Papa, I know you were kidding and didn't mean it, but some of this stuff would have hurt if I had really thought about it.

Speaker 36 Slap.

Speaker 55 Ah, How dare you?

Speaker 40 I'd be sunning my genitals on the jucking beach in Hollywood if it weren't for you. You're the one who convinced me to be here in the first place.
Slap.

Speaker 44 Ow! Agent!

Speaker 15 We're doing it!

Speaker 52 Too many buddies!

Speaker 20 Ah! You play so fine as a crow, threw!

Speaker 11 I've never got it before!

Speaker 39 You're kind of not burning this!

Speaker 40 It's gonna- it's gonna be a lot more than a second. It's gonna be real hot.

Speaker 18 Core,

Speaker 54 I'll just come in here real quick

Speaker 24 and grab my dingle hopper.

Speaker 5 Watch!

Speaker 5 Slap!

Speaker 5 Ow!

Speaker 5 Ow!

Speaker 7 Don't you have any self-respect, you miserable, worthless ragged!

Speaker 19 How did you do that?

Speaker 33 Well,

Speaker 38 good question, Papa.

Speaker 23 I think I sort of saw the space between Cora's heart and mine.

Speaker 25 It was a space I filled with time.

Speaker 25 I guess that pretty much explains it.

Speaker 21 Guess?

Speaker 21 I guess.

Speaker 25 Does it feel tingly? Is that how it's supposed to feel like my arm fell asleep?

Speaker 58 Uh, maybe.

Speaker 44 Can we see the lava now? No, like the portal. Let's just do this.

Speaker 24 Guys, we should probably get out of here.

Speaker 6 Oh, yeah, this.

Speaker 32 Yeah, let's find a big lane.

Speaker 59 What you call Bergie?

Speaker 32 Plenty of extra blood if he is.

Speaker 38 I'll take you, Rodi.

Speaker 21 Let's do it.

Speaker 7 No, no, no, no, no, Bro.

Speaker 21 No, no, thanks, Chris.

Speaker 48 Yeah, are you guys gonna be okay?

Speaker 48 Yeah, we're being fired.

Speaker 21 Oh, you ready?

Speaker 21 Okay, take care.

Speaker 7 Yeah, sorry, I guess.

Speaker 56 Okay.

Speaker 56 Wow, really?

Speaker 10 Went to a pretty dark place there for a little bit.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 40 I mean, literally and figuratively. Yeah.

Speaker 28 I suppose that's true. Papa, you said some pretty

Speaker 21 awful things.

Speaker 19 I really owe you guys an apology.

Speaker 27 Apology accepted.

Speaker 2 Thank you, AJ.

Speaker 27 Yeah,

Speaker 27 we're accepting apologies.

Speaker 35 Chuckya.

Speaker 9 I don't know how it happened, but you know, for a while there, a lot of the stuff that Cora was saying kind of made sense to me.

Speaker 22 Also, it was like flowing in and out of your ears.

Speaker 12 It was like it was going through your hand or something.

Speaker 23 Yeah, he had like glowing red eyes and shit.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 12 I'm not sure if it was just his conversational charm.

Speaker 42 He was a very powerful whack wizard.

Speaker 52 He was a whack master.

Speaker 12 You're hit by a real whack attack?

Speaker 11 Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 31 Hey, Nermits.

Speaker 37 Oh, thank gosh, I caught you guys. So I had a small detail wrong.

Speaker 37 So before you go to Mufalata Secundus, I shouldn't have kicked the Zimas out because they explained that this is actually a map to where they imprisoned him

Speaker 21 after he became a incredibly wacky. We already went.

Speaker 20 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 9 I was seduced.

Speaker 24 I said some things I regret.

Speaker 9 He stole my wood saber, I stole it back,

Speaker 9 and everything's cool.

Speaker 15 So,

Speaker 40 you know what? In fact, everything is great.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 29 Apologies.

Speaker 30 I have two directorships in front of me right now. We're in the middle of a deep conversation about my next girl.

Speaker 67 Everything's

Speaker 13 amazing.

Speaker 29 Get back on top.

Speaker 30 Yeah. Yeah, they're asking a lot of intrusive questions, but I know it's just pot for the pot.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 51 So, for the scene I'm imagining, it really minds kind of the dark backstory of not just the character, but the actress.

Speaker 80 So, what are some of the things you've done? And be pretty specific about dates and victims that are maybe the worst things ever.

Speaker 30 Wow, yeah, doesn't this sound great, guys?

Speaker 31 I'm not that sure these are.

Speaker 33 Don't listen to that, robot.

Speaker 80 And Bart, you just speak, annunciate clearly.

Speaker 17 Barge, Bart, you gotta know this isn't right.

Speaker 30 Wow, everything is amazing. I am, I've never been this on top, but at my own volition.
You know what I mean? I did this. I did it.
I did it. It was me.
I did everything.

Speaker 80 Ladies and gentlemen, we got her on tape.

Speaker 30 Sorry I didn't get the script.

Speaker 30 Am I in a scene right now? Or so.

Speaker 10 The cuff? Oh,

Speaker 33 no.

Speaker 9 Archie, what is happening?

Speaker 30 I think these directors are clearly

Speaker 30 police officers and that I am

Speaker 36 under arrest.

Speaker 18 Does anyone hear that sound? It's like something

Speaker 13 spelling assaults or something.

Speaker 18 Oh.

Speaker 49 No, no, no, it's not all the sand.

Speaker 40 It's a lot of sand.

Speaker 34 There's so much sand everywhere.

Speaker 34 Where's all that sand coming from?

Speaker 14 Oh, dark.

Speaker 27 I need to be under arrest.

Speaker 18 Okay.

Speaker 10 Don't worry, I have been programming myself for just such an occasion.

Speaker 7 I'm altering my code so that I can perform the medical functions necessary to help you deliver, if necessary, altering my source code.

Speaker 10 Okay,

Speaker 42 what are you saying?

Speaker 33 Oh, no.

Speaker 7 Paper flex.

Speaker 44 Yes.

Speaker 15 Am I going into labor?

Speaker 55 I think so.

Speaker 55 My tube broke.

Speaker 55 This is Sea Ride IT5.

Speaker 1 Credits and Attributions Joy, commencing Outro Protocol. Pop-up like Duck Center was played by Alden Ford.
C-53 and Master Kia Rondo were played by Jeremy Benn. Dar was played by Ali Kokash.

Speaker 1 Bargie the Ship and the Lava Crow were played by Mujan Zolfagari. Master Missions Operations Manager Nerva Bundoloy and More Lava Crows were played by Seth Lind.

Speaker 1 AG and Master Pell were played by Winston Noll. Core Veilbler was played by special guest Brendan Lee Mulligan.

Speaker 1 Brennan is the dungeon master of Dimension 20, a cast member of College Humor, and the writer of Strong Female Protagonist.

Speaker 1 Find him on Twitter at BrendanLM, on Instagram at Brennan Lee Mulligan, and in real life at the bottom of an ancient ruin full of traps and puzzles.

Speaker 1 This episode was edited by Seth Lynn with sound design and mixed by Shane O'Connell. Recorded at Robert Donkey Jr.'s Puppy Palace in Brooklyn, New York, and Headcom Studios in Los Angeles.

Speaker 1 Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by famous Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Opening crow narration by Jeremy Kretschley.
Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goise.

Speaker 1 Audio hosting hosting by Simplecast. Mission Distinx is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Speaker 49 Hey, James. Hey, Inuke.
What we doing, girl?

Speaker 43 We are inviting the awesome listeners of Maximum Fun to join us at Minority Corner.

Speaker 49 Ooh, fun.

Speaker 43 But you know how we go on Tangent City.

Speaker 47 We're the joint mayors.

Speaker 43 We're not going to do that, okay?

Speaker 47 Soups focus.

Speaker 43 Okay, so Minority Corner is where you can all come and get your pop culture taped.

Speaker 81 Plus, social commentary, news, and TV movie reactions like Avengers Endgame.

Speaker 43 No spoilers here. Ooh, snap.
Sometimes we dig into the vaults and we review and recap those movies you missed.

Speaker 81 That's you, Hallibury's kidnapped.

Speaker 43 I love how she always gives 1,000%.

Speaker 81 Like Beyoncé.

Speaker 43 Did you see Homecoming on Netflix?

Speaker 81 She was burning it down like the mother of dragons.

Speaker 47 Have you seen the latest Game of Thrones? So good.

Speaker 81 Only thing missing?

Speaker 43 More black people.

Speaker 47 What do you think about Mayor Pete? Wait a minute, James.

Speaker 81 We went on a tangent. Yes.

Speaker 47 Owel. Join us every Friday for more tangents.

Speaker 43 I'm Maximum Fun.

Speaker 82 Hi, I'm Joe Firestone.

Speaker 83 I'm Manolo Moreno.

Speaker 82 And we're the hosts of Doctor Game Show, which is a podcast where we play games submitted by listeners regardless of quality or content with in-studio guests and callers from all over the world.

Speaker 83 And you can win a custom.

Speaker 83 Subscribe now to make sure you get our next episode.

Speaker 82 What's an example of a game, Manolo?

Speaker 83 Pokemon or medication.

Speaker 82 How do you play that?

Speaker 83 You have to guess if something's a Pokemon name or a medication. Medication.
First-time listener. If you want to listen to episode highlights and also know how to participate, follow Dr.

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Speaker 49 Snorlax. Pokemon?

Speaker 14 Yes. Nice.

Speaker 82 Maximum Fun.org.

Speaker 81 Comedy and culture.

Speaker 46 Artist owned, audience supported.

Speaker 84 They had run completely out of torpedoes, phases, and all manner of weaponry. And what they had begun firing was cybertronic torso.

Speaker 46 Okay, that seems.

Speaker 46 So you're saying they shot out your real torso and the cyber torso.

Speaker 84 You ever seen a game of space billiards where someone hits a ball with the cue ball and the cue ball just slams, stops right where the other ball is.

Speaker 46 It seems very convenient, Core.

Speaker 49 Hey, man.

Speaker 49 Hey man.

Speaker 84 You're not kidding.

Speaker 18 I mean,

Speaker 84 I mean, you want to know what I did right afterwards? Big old hand across my cybertronic forehead and a loud pew

Speaker 57 from me.

Speaker 50 Woof!

Speaker 84 Close one.

Speaker 46 That is truly the best story I've ever heard.

Speaker 9 What part of your body is original at this point?

Speaker 54 What part of you?

Speaker 57 Yeah, if you're a cyborg.

Speaker 84 Well, my head, arms, and legs were all still the same head arms and legs from the same cybertronic organ.

Speaker 57 So that's the torso.

Speaker 54 Okay, but you were saying that all of those had been replaced at some point. Eyebrows! Eyebrows!

Speaker 57 Yeah, his eyebrows are still original.

Speaker 50 The real deal!

Speaker 84 What happened was, basically, a couple years later, I found my old head, and I shaved the eyebrows off and just spackled them on there.

Speaker 46 They are very expressive.

Speaker 84 Waggle, waggle, waggle. Okay.

Speaker 34 Oh, yeah, no, really. They're exquisite.

Speaker 84 So I am technically a cyborg in the sense that there is one organic part of me. You're really.

Speaker 2 If there was a skirt in that.

Speaker 54 But you just said there was a span of years where that was not the case.

Speaker 81 Checks out for me.

Speaker 84 Checks out for me. Checks out for AJ.
Checks out for me. Okay.

Speaker 49 All right.

Speaker 34 I'm Didop Quip.

Speaker 85 And I'm Bardicle Kisses.

Speaker 34 And this is Hollywood tonight.

Speaker 85 Boom, boom, boom. It's red carpet day for the Bargerian Jade's latest movie.

Speaker 79 That's right, but every Bargerian Jade fan is wondering where is the Selenium Age Starlet.

Speaker 85 Here is a clip from the Red Carpet where there is literally no one except for a sentient piece of moss.

Speaker 79 What's the story behind this lackluster blockbuster?

Speaker 85 And how can a star that was once so bright and then not bright at all for a very long time then became bright again for reasons unknown because honestly there's probably better people out there at this moment.

Speaker 57 Remember Tiny Tooth?

Speaker 79 Well all you Tiny Tooth fans have reason to say yeah.

Speaker 85 She's back from the dead, but just as a hollow and doing better than before.

Speaker 79 Tiny Toots will be returning to the big screen, but this time as a hollow-only creation.

Speaker 85 And we have a clip of that after 79 days of commercials.

Speaker 79 We'll see you in two and a half months.