316: Chez Bargez [ft. Don Fanelli]

Speaker 1 It is a time of fear and unrest.

Speaker 1 Emperor Nermit Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist and also a planet crusher.

Speaker 2 Crusher.

Speaker 1 Now, Zima Knight Pleck Dexetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat whackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

Speaker 4 This is mission to sink.

Speaker 4 So, in today's tutorial, we're going to be talking about how to get your woodsaber to glow.

Speaker 9 So, first step, take it out.

Speaker 10 Hello?

Speaker 11 I'm a Dexter. Yeah.

Speaker 9 I've been keeping an ongoing

Speaker 12 assets thus far.

Speaker 13 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 6 We have disabled the Planet Crusher

Speaker 12 by robbing it of its only source of fuel, Teptornium.

Speaker 14 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Speaker 12 Of course, there's the fleet of a thousand and two

Speaker 14 contained within Kevin.

Speaker 12 There's a potentially limitless army of recruits on the planet Kirkland.

Speaker 12 There's these smuggling routes through B-Rock.

Speaker 12 There's, of course,

Speaker 16 ultimate power.

Speaker 12 Dingle Popper and Marth. A powerful Zema Prime.
Alright, there's, for whatever it's worth, Zema Prime.

Speaker 17 Yes, full of something. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 12 And failing all else.

Speaker 12 We do have

Speaker 12 Papodixer? Yeah.

Speaker 3 What's the plan?

Speaker 12 No,

Speaker 12 no, I was asking you. I was asking you what's the plan.
I asked you what's the plan.

Speaker 15 You're a literal robot.

Speaker 17 You haven't been working on that part?

Speaker 12 I'm not a war machine.

Speaker 12 I'm a protocol in diplomatic relations.

Speaker 15 There's something in the Midnight Shadow that's like espionage protocols?

Speaker 12 Espionage is very different than a full-fledged frontal assault.

Speaker 3 I'm able to cloak.

Speaker 12 I work in the shadows. Okay, alright.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 12 And you don't have a plan. I thought you were guiding us this whole time with the space.

Speaker 15 My plan was to collect all of of this stuff and then we'll figure then that space guides us towards, you know. Towards what? The end, the big plan, the one that makes us win.

Speaker 12 He's right, so what is that plan? Okay.

Speaker 15 I am.

Speaker 17 Now that I know that you're not working on it, currently, I'll work on it more,

Speaker 15 starting now.

Speaker 12 It was way too late to start.

Speaker 12 The Emperor's got a massive start on everything that we're doing. We're at most.

Speaker 12 Maybe we've got four missions before the Emperor catches up.

Speaker 17 Oh, man.

Speaker 13 I hadn't even thought about it like that.

Speaker 4 I feel like it's going well. No,

Speaker 13 AJ.

Speaker 3 I would say it's actually not going well.

Speaker 6 What do you mean?

Speaker 21 We're nailing it.

Speaker 22 Okay, are you all ready for me?

Speaker 15 Oh, no. Dar, what's going on?

Speaker 22 I'm just saying I need to know. I need verbal confirmation that you are ready.

Speaker 12 Dar, it's hard to prepare appropriately if we don't know what we're preparing for.

Speaker 15 Dar, listen, you know, we've seen all of these changes.

Speaker 9 You've been warmed.

Speaker 15 I'm just saying we can handle...

Speaker 17 Oh, my rod.

Speaker 23 Wow.

Speaker 24 You've been long.

Speaker 3 Oh, no.

Speaker 25 Dar.

Speaker 15 Dar, I promised I would not say anything when you entered the seventh octemester, but I know.

Speaker 3 It is difficult.

Speaker 27 How...

Speaker 15 How are you

Speaker 8 retaining this much fluid? I don't know how I'm retaining this much fluid.

Speaker 15 Dar, I gotta ask, are you gonna be able to get out of the hatch when we leave the ship on this mission?

Speaker 15 Okay, I'm talking just logistically, literally, everybody.

Speaker 17 I know you're talking logistically, but it also kind of feels like you're just

Speaker 18 some of the water.

Speaker 17 This is like a buddy out

Speaker 17 there.

Speaker 3 That's it.

Speaker 18 That's it.

Speaker 17 Huge.

Speaker 28 I've got to go somewhere.

Speaker 3 Dar, isn't that a huge?

Speaker 28 No,

Speaker 15 AJ, don't.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 17 Dar,

Speaker 8 sorry about that. It's just, um,

Speaker 8 my emotions kind of come in waves.

Speaker 12 I have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager Buckley. Great.

Speaker 15 Hey, Nermit.

Speaker 12 Hey, guys.

Speaker 14 Uh, hey, Nermit.

Speaker 29 Oh, Dar, you're finally the right size for that Flarin shirt you got at Marf's.

Speaker 17 Yeah, I, um,

Speaker 17 I correctly guessed how large I was going to be

Speaker 9 seven.

Speaker 12 Yay. You look

Speaker 12 great.

Speaker 25 Oh,

Speaker 17 thank you. Thank you, Nermit.

Speaker 29 Yeah, you look amazing. You look, you look, you know, like, I honestly, like, I, I love Dar and the more there is, the better.

Speaker 21 Nermit, that is. I don't know how to deal with it right now.

Speaker 3 Who's with me? AJ.

Speaker 13 That's all right, AJ.

Speaker 15 Nermit, what's up? I just got back from a hike.

Speaker 30 Oh, great.

Speaker 15 You went on a hike?

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 29 Spurge and I hiked up the pipe.

Speaker 31 That's not a hike.

Speaker 15 Why were you in the pipe?

Speaker 12 Nermin.

Speaker 12 You know, honestly, we're sort of starting to feel like we're not really making any progress

Speaker 12 in our mission to defeat the Emperor.

Speaker 15 What we need is for you to be there on Zima Prime, working together with the Zimas to come up with a plan.

Speaker 29 Yeah, yeah, I am.

Speaker 6 Don't worry.

Speaker 21 I'm sure Nermin isn't like jucking around or anything.

Speaker 29 Okay, I've got a brand new mission, but first, let me pull down this uh pull this sheet off this diagram.

Speaker 3 Okay, so I've been

Speaker 29 like tracking our progress here with little these models.

Speaker 14 So here's

Speaker 15 what I'm talking about. You spent so much time on that diorama, and I think what we need is to just get to the Emperor, just get to the Planet Crusher Crusher or something.
Yes.

Speaker 12 We need practical information to take that thing down.

Speaker 4 Absolutely.

Speaker 33 And I need a very good lawyer.

Speaker 29 Okay, I don't know if that's gonna happen with this mission.

Speaker 6 Let's do this.

Speaker 29 Okay, so I think, guys, who knows? This mission could deliver us to those ends, you know, exactly. So here is our brand new mission.

Speaker 29 Alright, so you are going to the back room of a restaurant and you're going to

Speaker 12 have a restaurant. Yeah.

Speaker 29 Oh, yes, that part is the same as, I guess technically the same as last mission.

Speaker 29 And you are going to meet an informant who has a microchip of information.

Speaker 29 That was a ruse the last time. This really is like this is a microchip.

Speaker 21 Wait, wait, guys, is this my baby shower?

Speaker 3 No,

Speaker 12 why would you have a baby shower?

Speaker 28 I don't know.

Speaker 6 I mean, I this.

Speaker 4 Are you pregnant?

Speaker 4 I

Speaker 4 know.

Speaker 8 Okay. Okay, it's not your baby shower.
Is this just a ruse of a ruse to get me a ruse so that I won't know that I'm getting another party?

Speaker 24 No, baby.

Speaker 29 The negatives kept negative each other out.

Speaker 29 If you mean you don't have a party, then yes, this is not a party.

Speaker 24 We're going to support it.

Speaker 8 Okay, sure. I don't have a party.

Speaker 17 Okay, all right.

Speaker 17 This day is looking up.

Speaker 12 Nervous. It's not a ruse.
What's the mission?

Speaker 29 Coincidental, it's totally new.

Speaker 29 You're going to the back room of a restaurant.

Speaker 29 You're going to have to be blindfolded when you get there.

Speaker 12 Well, nervous.

Speaker 12 It's not

Speaker 18 time loop. We're in a time loop, guys.

Speaker 4 No, we're not. I don't have another present.

Speaker 33 I don't have another present. I don't have another present.
You don't need a present.

Speaker 4 It's not a

Speaker 4 passing. We're in the past.
Time loop, guys.

Speaker 12 Magic where you are.

Speaker 12 It's just time loop.

Speaker 3 How about a blast?

Speaker 4 We're in a blast away.

Speaker 4 We got a blast away on this time loop.

Speaker 12 Nervous, what restaurant are we going to?

Speaker 4 It's called Paula's Banquet Hall.

Speaker 3 No, wait, Nerve.

Speaker 23 Nerve it. Wait, guys, don't.
Oh,

Speaker 23 sorry, that I was looking at yesterday's session this time.

Speaker 21 Okay. Okay.
So, uh, alright, sorry. It is Shea Barger.
Ah, Shea Barger.

Speaker 15 Shea Barger?

Speaker 12 You may not know this, but Shea Barger is a chain of Bargie-themed restaurants opened in the last, I don't know, eight months or so.

Speaker 33 Yeah, of the whole franchise.

Speaker 12 Uh, Bargie.

Speaker 12 this is good. This is a good idea.

Speaker 33 I don't need a lawyer. I don't need a lawyer, okay? I'm gonna go.
Oh, this is great.

Speaker 8 This is gonna be the best second baby shower ever.

Speaker 17 I hate to tell you.

Speaker 28 I need this.

Speaker 29 I hate

Speaker 28 this.

Speaker 36 Dear Diary, life's been pretty whatever since mom and dad got crushed by the Emperor.

Speaker 27 Sometimes I'm angry. Sometimes I'm sad.

Speaker 36 Sometimes I feel like I got bees inside me like some kind of two-mouth robot. But mostly, I'm fine.

Speaker 32 I'm fine, God.

Speaker 36 I spend a lot of time by myself these days with my headphones on and my hair covering my eyes. If anyone asks, I tell them I'm listening to Death Metal.

Speaker 36 But honestly, Diary, I'm catching up on my favorite audio dramas. My absolute favorite is the new science fiction podcast, Vast Horizon.

Speaker 15 Aw man, it's so cool and dark and awesome.

Speaker 36 Okay, so Vast Horizon is about an agronomist named Nalira who's on this big rad spaceship called the Bifrost going to populate a new system with 400,000 people on board.

Speaker 36 But something happens and Nalira wakes up in one of these ships emergency rooms alone. She has to overcome a ton of mission-critical problems just to survive.

Speaker 36 Her only companion is the ship's malfunctioning AI, who is constantly putting Nalira in danger. Is it intentional or is it the only way to help her?

Speaker 36 Oh, Diary, you're the only one I can tell my true feelings to.

Speaker 36 Who else would even care that I love Action Pack sci-fi in an audio format with an awesome voice cast, an award-winning sound design team, and a sprawling epic story?

Speaker 36 I guess no one will ever truly understand me.

Speaker 36 Amazing new episodes of Vast Horizon are released every two weeks, and I get it for free on whatever podcast app I want.

Speaker 36 I just jucking love audio dramas, okay?

Speaker 24 Get off my back, Diary.

Speaker 36 Love Centurion Tittle

Speaker 36 Welcome to Shape RJ! Welcome to Shade by J. Wow!

Speaker 21 Welcome to Shade By J. It's a tiny Barchie.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 4 Sit wherever you want, I don't care.

Speaker 33 Sit wherever you want, I don't care.

Speaker 17 So accurate.

Speaker 37 We're going out of business.

Speaker 24 We're going out of business.

Speaker 15 It's so interesting that this is such a nice place, but that the Maitre D is

Speaker 15 like an automaton of Bargie.

Speaker 38 Hi, everybody. Sit wherever you want.

Speaker 5 Oh, hello, yeah, sure.

Speaker 38 Hi, sit wherever you want. You can spread out wherever you want.
You can sit at different tables. You can sit at the same table.
You can sit on the floor, on the bar, wherever you want.

Speaker 26 Are you the actual Maitre D, not the.

Speaker 38 No! No, I'm the head chef here.

Speaker 3 I'm Graydon.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 36 Of course, then this isn't a normal restaurant, is it?

Speaker 17 I thought you knew me!

Speaker 9 I thought you came here because you knew me.

Speaker 38 Oh, I thought you, oh, I thought my, oh,

Speaker 38 I thought everybody knew who I was because of my food.

Speaker 25 That's okay.

Speaker 4 I'm eat. What do you want?

Speaker 38 Let me give you some fizzy.

Speaker 32 Some fizzy.

Speaker 32 Yeah. Nice.

Speaker 38 Yeah. It's made of sediment and liquid.
Just like in all those cargi movies.

Speaker 35 Oh, yeah, I guess I could sort of see that kind of liquid.

Speaker 30 Yeah.

Speaker 38 Yeah, sediment and liquid.

Speaker 33 The budget drink of Chef Baje.

Speaker 23 Drink it up.

Speaker 27 What was that?

Speaker 3 It would seem the restaurant is equipped with a limited form of AI that's able to recreate bargain style reactions.

Speaker 4 Huh.

Speaker 6 Wow, that was really good.

Speaker 28 Right?

Speaker 38 You can really put the sediment, that's right.

Speaker 38 That's right.

Speaker 15 Graydon, this is a really beautiful restaurant.

Speaker 31 How long have you been the chef here?

Speaker 38 Oh, 14 years.

Speaker 9 Wow, 14 years.

Speaker 38 In the past five months, it turned into a Bardi restaurant. And I stayed on.

Speaker 24 Oh, great.

Speaker 38 It's not my fault. Anyway, please enjoy.
Can I, are you here? Do you have any reservations or anything?

Speaker 15 Actually, yeah, we're meeting someone here.

Speaker 8 Ooh, that doesn't put me over the top.

Speaker 8 I need to go to the little Dar's room.

Speaker 21 Take your time, Darby, because you're there's a ton of fluid in you.

Speaker 38 Congratulations, by the way.

Speaker 9 Daddy, daddy, that person's fat.

Speaker 5 Okay,

Speaker 13 that's uh, yeah, that's rude but accurate. Okay,

Speaker 21 hey, you shut your chucking mouth, you

Speaker 7 excuse me, excuse me,

Speaker 18 okay, get out of here.

Speaker 32 AJ,

Speaker 38 I urinated my trouser

Speaker 15 Graydon. Uh, look, you, uh, maybe we should order some food, huh?

Speaker 38 Yeah, it's it, well, well, it's a chef's tasting menu, so I just kind of bring stuff out and you try it.

Speaker 24 Oh, great, okay.

Speaker 38 If you don't like it, if you don't like it, I don't know, but I'll reburn the place down.

Speaker 3 Oh, that's not, yeah, that's not

Speaker 6 good.

Speaker 38 No, I'll do it, I'll do it, I swear, you'll like it, trust me.

Speaker 7 Okay, this looks amazing. Great on, what is this?

Speaker 38 This, uh, this used to be called uh sweet uh sefufa, and now it's uh called Barge Chunks. Enjoy!

Speaker 5 Oh, no.

Speaker 4 Oh, my

Speaker 4 chunks. Hold me filled in chunks without a helmet.

Speaker 32 It tastes good, right?

Speaker 35 That is really good, yeah.

Speaker 12 You're very welcome.

Speaker 10 What do you mean had you learned?

Speaker 38 Oh, well, you were born with this, and I'm a cheftini. This is what we do.

Speaker 11 What is a sh what is a cheftini?

Speaker 38 We are bred from the soil, so the nutrients of the soil make us, and then we cook the nutrients.

Speaker 27 What what does that mean?

Speaker 24 I grow from the ground.

Speaker 3 And then once they're born, they toil the land and make food out of that.

Speaker 38 That's right.

Speaker 15 What kind of cuisine are you guys known for here at Shea Barget?

Speaker 38 We get everything here. Everyone loves us.

Speaker 38 Wow. And they like me.
I'm so-you don't know me.

Speaker 28 I guess.

Speaker 3 But honestly, I do know.

Speaker 25 Look at the wall.

Speaker 27 Look at all the stuff that's written about me.

Speaker 24 Well, there's a lot of

Speaker 21 barging merch kind of covering you right now. These are

Speaker 38 I know we had it dude. Look under this.
I'm gonna lift up this peg of this little t-shirt here. Oops.
And what does that say?

Speaker 24 Greydong.

Speaker 38 Graydon, great.

Speaker 15 Great. Greydon, great.

Speaker 24 Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 15 That's sort of a punchy review headline, I'd say.

Speaker 24 Graydon, great.

Speaker 7 It's 5G o'clock. It's 5G o'clock.

Speaker 4 Everybody get up and dance. Everybody get up and dance and slap your friend.

Speaker 3 Everybody get up and dance.

Speaker 38 Slap your friend. You just get up and slap your friend.

Speaker 5 Okay. Ow!

Speaker 15 Why did everybody hit me when we

Speaker 17 don't get to hit everyone?

Speaker 23 Everyone's friends!

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 24 Ow! Who are you?

Speaker 38 I'm Daniel Buff.

Speaker 4 Get the shock out of me!

Speaker 32 You gotta step on that guy.

Speaker 15 Okay, AJ, guys, can we just focus, please?

Speaker 5 Yes, break down.

Speaker 3 We should actually let you know we're here to meet someone in the back room.

Speaker 38 Oh, at the chef's table, you're the group.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 38 Okay, well, sorry about that. There is an even more special menu for you in the back.
Follow me.

Speaker 31 You know, C33, it feels like this is a really nice restaurant that there's sort of a

Speaker 15 layer of bargee over it that kind of takes away from the experience to me.

Speaker 33 Welcome to the back.

Speaker 27 Even the chef's table is everybody slap your friends.

Speaker 38 Welcome to the back. There's a table over there.
I think whoever was supposed to meet you is either running late or they just came and they're not here anymore.

Speaker 35 I mean, I guess that's impossible.

Speaker 38 Sure, I'll be right out. Look at all the pots.

Speaker 5 That's for sure.

Speaker 40 Yeah, a lot of pots.

Speaker 31 I think it's really impressive that

Speaker 15 Graydon can cook so much food in such a short amount of time.

Speaker 31 He's so small and

Speaker 31 doesn't there be fingers yeah just sort of like wavy

Speaker 3 but so deathly maneuver and those watch him spread that songs just yeah

Speaker 3 so much care

Speaker 21 he's crying though it's weird

Speaker 33 what

Speaker 8 I don't think Farchie actually washes their hands though

Speaker 8 Where? I'm sorry. I'm just so large.
Where are you talking? It just sounds so close to my face.

Speaker 24 It's you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I guess so.

Speaker 8 Wait, you probably don't remember, but you were in a zip ride and I was there, but I didn't look like this.

Speaker 8 I looked very different, but you look the same.

Speaker 17 You're still bleeding.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I am still bleeding.

Speaker 34 You know, it's a funny story.

Speaker 13 When I got on Bargie, I was just.

Speaker 33 Someone said the word Baji. Tosh his hands.
Everybody do the Baji dance. Hands out, hands in, hands this, hands out.
Everybody do the Baji.

Speaker 6 Everybody do the Baji.

Speaker 4 Oh, I love doing the Bargy. Oh, man.

Speaker 1 I just feel like.

Speaker 19 Yeah, sure.

Speaker 38 Little Bargy Boosh.

Speaker 19 They're little Bargies.

Speaker 38 Do you have to learn Tip Garfa?

Speaker 10 Yeah, we do have Garfon often.

Speaker 38 That's what this is.

Speaker 21 Oh, I tasted it.

Speaker 28 I tasted it.

Speaker 38 Oh, okay. Yeah, that's what this is.

Speaker 3 What do you mean that's what this is?

Speaker 30 You mean this is Garfon? Uh-huh.

Speaker 38 That's what this is.

Speaker 11 Why did you preface it by saying you know how Tellurians have Garfon?

Speaker 38 Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's what this is.

Speaker 30 Alright. Try it.

Speaker 21 Oh, it sort of tastes like Garfon.

Speaker 27 Yeah, right?

Speaker 38 But we do something a little different.

Speaker 3 Is it Garfon or

Speaker 38 It's Garfa.

Speaker 4 Yeah, it tastes like it.

Speaker 21 I'm kind of the clip with the best palate, so

Speaker 38 guys, guys, it's not Garfa.

Speaker 23 Wait, what?

Speaker 38 What? It's not.

Speaker 3 What is it?

Speaker 38 Oh, I can't tell you.

Speaker 40 Okay.

Speaker 28 Wait, great on it.

Speaker 38 It might hurt your stomach.

Speaker 40 Oh, it.

Speaker 7 Oh, wait. Yeah, no, I don't.
It might.

Speaker 38 It might hurt your stomach. But it shouldn't.
But it might, okay? Some people have an allergy to this.

Speaker 12 Okay, well, then you should tell us what it is.

Speaker 38 Sure, do you know that Tellurians have like soy?

Speaker 32 Yes. Uh, yes.

Speaker 38 Yeah. Do you know that bean?

Speaker 3 A soy bean.

Speaker 32 Yes. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 38 That's what this is.

Speaker 27 Okay, soy garfa.

Speaker 21 I thought it was.

Speaker 21 Oh, darn, you gotta try one of these bargie bouges.

Speaker 38 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're pregnant, and you're pregnant.

Speaker 16 Oh, yeah, I'll try that.

Speaker 4 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, oops.

Speaker 26 Oh, gosh.

Speaker 9 Oh, oops.

Speaker 24 Oh.

Speaker 24 Oh, oops, what?

Speaker 40 It's...

Speaker 38 You're not supposed to eat that if you're pregnant. It could kind of speed things up.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 27 It could kind of speed things up.

Speaker 8 And if I ate many more of these, how much could we speed things up?

Speaker 38 Sorry, I like, oh, well, if you had a lot of them.

Speaker 9 If I just took.

Speaker 4 Oh, no! Oh, no!

Speaker 4 Oh, God!

Speaker 38 I mean,

Speaker 38 I mean, they're bargee bushes, so they're very tiny, but I mean, you took all of them, so it could speed things up.

Speaker 8 It's not.

Speaker 8 Love to speed things up. Give me an estimate here.
A guesstimate, if you will.

Speaker 5 What is happening?

Speaker 38 It was not so. I'm sorry.

Speaker 21 I thought it wasn't so.

Speaker 38 I'm so sorry. You just have to give me a heads up if there's a pregnant person in the party.

Speaker 38 Oh boy, yeah, this is going to happen for another couple of seconds.

Speaker 38 Okay.

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 8 You could have been taken right through the danger zone.

Speaker 21 So, what else you got, Graydon?

Speaker 38 Oh, sure, let me go in the back. You see those pots?

Speaker 7 Yeah, what's in them? What's in them?

Speaker 38 Oh, so many things for you. The whole meal is all in those pots.

Speaker 23 Be right back.

Speaker 7 I like him.

Speaker 21 I think he's great.

Speaker 15 I can't really figure out what his deal is.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I was initially unnerved that when he winks, the lids appear and then disappear.

Speaker 15 And his mouth just seems to be like a a cir a a pink circle that just sort of changes shape as he talks. Yeah.

Speaker 8 Sorry, before I uh

Speaker 8 shape-shifted into eternity, I

Speaker 26 wanted to reintroduce you to a former acquaintance of all of ours.

Speaker 2 Hi.

Speaker 24 Oh, wow.

Speaker 18 Wait, who's this guy?

Speaker 15 We met this guy on uh on Bargie uh when Bargie was driving forward.

Speaker 8 I could tell you their name, but I

Speaker 8 couldn't hear anything over the music that Bargie sings.

Speaker 33 Time for the chef to sing the Bargie song. Sing, chef, sing, chef.
It's yours, Chef. Go for it now.

Speaker 38 Bargie, Bargie, you're my best. Bargie, Bargie, Ike the rest.
Bargie, Bargie, you're my queen. Queen, queen, I see you, queen.

Speaker 15 Yeah, that's pretty, pretty intense.

Speaker 24 Yeah, it's

Speaker 23 wow.

Speaker 41 That's a really beautiful song.

Speaker 21 So, this guy's just gonna sit with us. What's going on?

Speaker 15 I don't know. Dar, is he this a friend of yours?

Speaker 38 Is there someone you're adding to the party?

Speaker 8 Yes, we are adding someone to my party, Pleck.

Speaker 17 Your party?

Speaker 8 This is my new friend.

Speaker 7 Hi, I'm Becca.

Speaker 16 Hi.

Speaker 24 Hi, Becca.

Speaker 15 It's great to meet you. We have a seat, I guess.

Speaker 30 Wait, so what are you putting?

Speaker 21 what's this stuff that you're putting down here?

Speaker 38 Oh, it's a sampler platter.

Speaker 38 Yeah, it's all about textures, it's all about comfort, it's all about sensations, um, it's all about textures.

Speaker 15 Yeah, you said that earlier, but I I agree with you.

Speaker 38 Yeah, but there's different textures.

Speaker 38 Oh, I bookend it with textures.

Speaker 33 Time to add podgy sauce.

Speaker 6 Time to add faji sauce.

Speaker 6 It's everywhere.

Speaker 10 I'm sorry.

Speaker 32 I'm sorry.

Speaker 38 I really like working here.

Speaker 38 I just want to let everybody know that.

Speaker 38 I'm very proud to work here. I'm able to cook what I want to cook, and

Speaker 38 it's going well. And

Speaker 38 I just want to let everybody know that.

Speaker 38 Yeah, there was a lot of budget cuts. I used to import the finest ingredients, and once this Bargie took over,

Speaker 38 it's worse ingredients it's it's just not good

Speaker 38 I just I'm so sorry I have to say

Speaker 38 it's it's it's not so it's not anything you think

Speaker 38 it's all made of zip shits no no zip shits it's zip shit yeah it's what is what is zip shits it's basically like

Speaker 38 like the sewers that we have here like underground it's it's basically kind of where all all waste goes and it's all filtered out through these rocks and then they crush the rocks down, and the rocks make these powder, and that zip shit.

Speaker 5 Oh, no,

Speaker 3 great on.

Speaker 38 I'm so sorry. I tried my best to dial it all up for you guys, but there's massive budget cuts.

Speaker 38 And I apologize. This is not the restaurant I opened.

Speaker 15 What were you serving then?

Speaker 15 Oh,

Speaker 38 all sorts of great stuff. You know, Ninos,

Speaker 38 Petro, Lynxes,

Speaker 38 Chet Chis,

Speaker 28 croups,

Speaker 38 and lots and lots. I mean, just pl Every every meal came with a snark.

Speaker 15 And now it's just zip shits.

Speaker 38 It's all made out of zip shits here, and I'm so sorry about that. Yeah.

Speaker 38 There's air, there's water, but it's mostly zip shits.

Speaker 28 Ah, that's a secret ingredient.

Speaker 33 Did somebody say secret?

Speaker 23 It's time for body secrets.

Speaker 33 Podgy secrets. Everybody go around and reveal yourself.

Speaker 38 Alright, everybody's got to go around and reveal themselves.

Speaker 38 Okay, well. Any secret about yourself, you just have to go.
It won't let she won't it turns off everything in here if we don't all go around, so everyone's gotta kind of dish out a secret.

Speaker 8 I snuck a couple more Bargie Bouches and now I'm gonna go.

Speaker 9 Oh darling!

Speaker 4 Oh, um

Speaker 41 adulterative.

Speaker 8 Alright, that is such a good reveal.

Speaker 15 The only thing I've ever won is best sportsmanship in fourth grade's eyeball.

Speaker 12 Also, how's the song.

Speaker 15 That's the least stealthy song.

Speaker 6 I don't know. I just don't know.

Speaker 21 Uh, I guess

Speaker 21 I don't dream.

Speaker 5 Wow.

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 24 At all? No.

Speaker 15 Never once.

Speaker 21 Nope, never.

Speaker 7 I don't know what it is.

Speaker 21 I'm worried it's the whole do I have a soul thing.

Speaker 5 I can't dream. Yeah, I boy.
Anyway, I don't dream.

Speaker 38 And I don't have a stomach. Great job, everybody.
Wait.

Speaker 15 Wait, you don't have a stomach?

Speaker 38 No.

Speaker 3 How do you eat?

Speaker 31 How do you taste? Oh, I eat. How do you taste?

Speaker 38 I have a mouth.

Speaker 25 I have a tongue.

Speaker 38 I have everything. I just don't have a stomach.
That's why I can eat and eat.

Speaker 4 And now it's time for a clip.

Speaker 42 Introducing the star of the stage, screen, holler, radio, audio, video, film,

Speaker 5 butter.

Speaker 33 Hello, my name is Bajeri and Jay. Welcome to my restaurant, Shay Baj.

Speaker 33 Here, we believe in the finest of produce and giving you meals that will change your life.

Speaker 33 I'm very proud of all the work we've done. We've hired all of the best chefs and taking them away from their already promising careers and making them be part of my future.

Speaker 33 Thank you from all of us here at Shea Bajay. Remember, believe in your stars, and uh,

Speaker 33 you are okay,

Speaker 39 okay. Great, that was a great take.

Speaker 8 Just one more.

Speaker 5 Wow, they left that.

Speaker 3 They left that. I don't want to do this anymore.

Speaker 33 This is stupid.

Speaker 5 Bargie, stop thrashing about

Speaker 5 it.

Speaker 33 Seems like a bad investment. I'm just saying, I don't want to do this.

Speaker 31 Seems like they should have just edited it at all.

Speaker 34 This is exactly what I come to Shea Bar J for.

Speaker 5 You've been here before?

Speaker 2 This is my favorite restaurant.

Speaker 15 Man, there's so many layers to you.

Speaker 8 I think I'd like my first shower a little bit more.

Speaker 3 Listen, Graydon, we're just trying to meet somebody here in the back room.

Speaker 5 Oh, you're here to meet me, I think.

Speaker 5 What?

Speaker 15 Wait, you?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I guess I thought the guy said

Speaker 2 bathroom and not back room.

Speaker 5 Oh,

Speaker 10 yeah.

Speaker 15 That makes sense.

Speaker 34 So, yeah, were you looking for this?

Speaker 15 Oh, the microchip.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 10 Do the 5G shakes to the 5G tip.

Speaker 42 Everybody do the 5G shakes to the 5G shakes to the 5G type.

Speaker 35 No, don't do

Speaker 35 Becca.

Speaker 34 I just had to do what the song said.

Speaker 20 You didn't.

Speaker 38 Uh-oh, yeah.

Speaker 38 That's not gonna work now. I'm sorry about that.

Speaker 13 Well, I shouldn't have blindly obeyed a song.

Speaker 15 Do you have a second copy of what's on that microchip?

Speaker 31 I do, yeah.

Speaker 2 But I lost it a long time ago.

Speaker 18 Okay,

Speaker 15 why would you even just say no?

Speaker 5 Well, you asked a question.

Speaker 3 Why would you?

Speaker 15 You obviously set us up and then completely dashed our hopes.

Speaker 41 Well, the fact remains there is a second copy.

Speaker 21 I just

Speaker 21 lost it.

Speaker 15 For all intents and purposes,

Speaker 15 you don't have a second copy.

Speaker 38 This is hell. No, I don't pull somebody.

Speaker 38 I'm in a living hell, and I'm so sorry.

Speaker 6 Graydon, is there a way to just go back to being a regular restaurant and not a shit?

Speaker 6 It seems like it really depresses you to work this way.

Speaker 38 Honestly,

Speaker 38 I'm gonna burn the place down.

Speaker 15 Okay, that seems like there's gotta be a third option.

Speaker 38 That's it, thank you.

Speaker 5 No, thank you.

Speaker 38 I'm gonna light this place on fire.

Speaker 24 No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 38 I'm gonna light the floor.

Speaker 15 No, no, no.

Speaker 24 A new day. Okay.

Speaker 38 A new Grey Don.

Speaker 17 Grey Don't corrected.

Speaker 8 This is definitely better than my last shower.

Speaker 16 Okay, listen, Graydon.

Speaker 15 You don't have to work here. You could quit.
You could start over.

Speaker 15 Start your own restaurant.

Speaker 38 I could do that.

Speaker 38 I don't have to burn this floor.

Speaker 38 Oh, you said it. I was like, yeah, that is the perfect idea.
But then you said, I can do something else, and that makes a lot more sense. Ah, Bargie, I'm going to work someplace else.

Speaker 38 Thank you for the opportunity.

Speaker 38 But Graydon, out.

Speaker 38 Seth is walking

Speaker 5 Seth is walking out.

Speaker 16 That little barge. That little barge is.

Speaker 17 No, AJ, we're not.

Speaker 27 It's just.

Speaker 33 Welcome to Shane Boxy. Wherever you are out.

Speaker 38 This hasn't happened before.

Speaker 3 Hey, don't shoot a blast here.

Speaker 38 Everything's flammable in here.

Speaker 16 Oh no. Don't look in under the bathroom floor.
Go look under the bathroom floor.

Speaker 10 Help, help, help, help.

Speaker 38 Run, everybody, run, everybody get out of here.

Speaker 38 This is.

Speaker 31 Oh, no, this is bad.

Speaker 31 Everybody lose the body dance.

Speaker 38 Oh, no.

Speaker 38 You know what? Everybody leave. I'm gonna take care of this.

Speaker 38 You ruined my life.

Speaker 23 You ruined my life.

Speaker 23 Why is everyone looking at me?

Speaker 3 Leave. Screwdown.
I'm so sorry.

Speaker 38 I'm gonna burn up in this place. Everybody get out of here.

Speaker 15 Yeah, you gotta get out of here. Oh, no, that's a good idea.

Speaker 33 I should leave with you guys.

Speaker 3 Yeah, come on down, Skraydon.

Speaker 38 Sorry, sorry. Yes, that's a better idea.
Okay.

Speaker 15 Oh, no, that fire is spreading rapidly. Graydon,

Speaker 15 is there a fire extinguisher?

Speaker 15 Are there sprinkler systems anywhere?

Speaker 33 Budget cuts.

Speaker 3 So many budget cuts?

Speaker 13 They removed the sprinkler system from this restaurant?

Speaker 43 They removed all water from the restaurant.

Speaker 12 Oh, Graydon. It must be more expensive.

Speaker 3 Take the sprinkler system out.

Speaker 38 No, no, it's recycled oil. That's all it's going through the pipes!

Speaker 21 It's just cooking oil recycled through the pipes!

Speaker 6 Coffin oil!

Speaker 35 It's just spraying oil everywhere!

Speaker 38 It's a load, it's like a safflower oil.

Speaker 12 The front door's on fire!

Speaker 38 We're all gonna die together!

Speaker 35 Why would you say it like that?

Speaker 3 Please don't be happy about this.

Speaker 4 I have

Speaker 38 No budget cuts. They sealed off in that room.

Speaker 31 There's no exit.

Speaker 12 There's no exit.

Speaker 19 How can it be cheaper to break up a door than to just leave the door?

Speaker 38 Because every time you open the door, it lets out air, and then that's a Z. So if you just seal it up, there's no AC.

Speaker 8 Well, I can't let Becca die this way.

Speaker 15 Dar, how did you shoot all that water out of you?

Speaker 30 What the shot?

Speaker 8 Well, I just thought about, you know, Becca meeting an untimely demise, and I guess some kind of instinct took over.

Speaker 19 What about us?

Speaker 34 Wow, Dar, that's... that really means a lot to me.

Speaker 27 Oh, it was just such a...

Speaker 8 I'm just so happy we got to reconnect.

Speaker 13 I will tell you this, my friend. It is not often I am tasked with installing such a large subwoofer in a speeder such as this, but I shall not fail you.

Speaker 13 I meant to thank you for booking this appointment on our all-new website, Zemaprime.space.

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Speaker 13 It may be a perfect fit for uh. what sort of business are you in?

Speaker 6 Influencer.

Speaker 13 Not familiar.

Speaker 13 Okay, now the tweeters are connected, so your high-end should really sing. You know, one of the later Beetleman albums would really showcase this setup.
Perhaps Crabby Road or Let It Beetle?

Speaker 13 Okay, you don't need to make that face.

Speaker 13 Well, in any case, Wix.com can make any person, business, or mystical religion look amazing online, thanks to their incredible customization options and over 500 gorgeous templates.

Speaker 13 And they helped us make our website, so you know they're fresh. And get this, my friend.
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Speaker 13 Giving you more storage, a free domain for a year and more. That's wix.com.
Code ZYXX for 10% off any premium plan. Creation without limits, friend.

Speaker 13 Wait.

Speaker 13 Something's not right here. An obnoxiously large subwoofer.
Bad taste in music. Dubious career choices.
You're not fresh at all.

Speaker 12 This is some sort of trap. I must warn the others.

Speaker 15 Well, you know, uh, not all of our missions go great, but I think that one went worse than most.

Speaker 35 What

Speaker 21 the bargie chunks were great.

Speaker 33 I'm sorry, you burned down

Speaker 33 a shade budget.

Speaker 12 I guess we didn't burn it down, but we allowed it to burn down.

Speaker 33 It doesn't exist.

Speaker 15 Everything was covered. Listen, Bargie, everything was covered in oil.
We would never have been able to save the restaurant.

Speaker 4 Uh, you know what?

Speaker 33 I tried so hard to make all of these businesses work. I gave them ability to use my image, my voice.
I don't even know what it's saying in there. I hope it's nice.
I hope I'm a sweetheart.

Speaker 33 Am I a sweetheart in there?

Speaker 5 Am I like that? I don't know, Bargy.

Speaker 15 You should try to make it into one of those restaurants sometimes.

Speaker 33 Yeah, it's not my thing. It's kind of like not classy if the star of a restaurant goes to the restaurant.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 11 It's a desperate, you know?

Speaker 17 Yeah,

Speaker 15 Bargy, it's not a great representation of you in there.

Speaker 33 That's disappointing because me and the investors, we came up with a plan. We're like, it's losing money because I'm not that big of a star.
It's all a facade.

Speaker 33 So I was like, why don't you put oil in the instead of water? I don't know. I'm a shit shit pump.
That's how I deal with things.

Speaker 33 Why would you need doors? You just need one door. Like I have one hatch.

Speaker 9 You don't need multiple doors.

Speaker 12 Either restaurant is not like a shit pump.

Speaker 33 What's an A C? I don't have an A C and so I was like get rid of the A C an A C what is that?

Speaker 15 Wait Bargy do you not have a sprinkler system?

Speaker 33 What is food? Just use like I don't you guys eat it and it comes out. Just use the thing that it comes out with.

Speaker 24 Bargie

Speaker 33 I don't know. I'm not a someone gave me way too much Power, yes.

Speaker 12 I agree.

Speaker 33 It's not my fault. Again, I hope I came off as a beautiful sweetheart because that's the one.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, no, Bargy.

Speaker 12 Darn. I'm sorry.
It wasn't actually a second baby shower.

Speaker 8 You know, it's okay. I guess the one solace here is knowing that I won't have to be pregnant forever.

Speaker 12 Dangerously accelerated your pregnancy.

Speaker 8 Yeah, they said that I'm careening towards birth any moment now.

Speaker 15 I mean, we're imminent at this point.

Speaker 12 Dar, I have an incoming transmission from Becca.

Speaker 15 Ooh, good Eve.

Speaker 17 Hi, Becca. How are you doing? Hi, Becca.

Speaker 6 I'm okay.

Speaker 17 Where did you go? I thought you were.

Speaker 3 Did you get home safely?

Speaker 6 Yeah, I'm fine.

Speaker 12 I just called a zip.

Speaker 12 I shouldn't take these zips.

Speaker 4 I mean, I lost that microchip the last time I took a zip.

Speaker 17 Becca, you lost.

Speaker 15 The last time you took a zip was Bargie. You were on Bargie.

Speaker 15 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 15 Just that little closet I went into.

Speaker 18 Oh, Papa, that's your room. That's my room.

Speaker 18 Anyway, Dora, heavy baby shower.

Speaker 26 Thanks so much, Becca.

Speaker 17 I was really, I'm really glad you were there.

Speaker 8 I'm glad we could share it.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Guys,

Speaker 15 I found it. It's in here.

Speaker 27 It was in here the whole time.

Speaker 12 What have I got?

Speaker 8 It was in there the whole time? Is your room very messy? How could you have missed this?

Speaker 15 It's a very small microchip, okay?

Speaker 8 But you have a very small bedroom. Okay, yes.

Speaker 15 I don't inventory everything in my room every time I go in and out, okay?

Speaker 8 Oh, I do. That's how I know if you guys have touched anything while I've been gone.

Speaker 15 I learned that lesson right away, Darwin.

Speaker 12 Yeah, I do too. It's just a subroutine I have.

Speaker 15 Oh, yeah, it's automatic in your case.

Speaker 12 On the deck center, I have an

Speaker 17 Hey, Nermit.

Speaker 15 Hey, guys.

Speaker 27 Hey, how's it going?

Speaker 29 We're just

Speaker 29 grilling some mallows with the Zimas.

Speaker 27 Cool. Cool.
That's great.

Speaker 5 Why are you in the

Speaker 4 mallow for you?

Speaker 17 No, we're on the other side of the quadrant.

Speaker 15 Nermit, you should set aside time to call us. Just call us when you're not in the middle.

Speaker 29 There's only one time where time time is just a loop. You know what I mean? Like, we're just looping, and like what?

Speaker 21 No,

Speaker 24 no, no, no.

Speaker 15 Long story short, is mission accomplished.

Speaker 18 We got the microchip, and that's really all you need to know. What we got?

Speaker 8 It is in Bleck's bedroom.

Speaker 12 Yeah, Plex had it all the time.

Speaker 29 All right, what's on it?

Speaker 27 Oh, let's check it out.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 10 Just pop it in.

Speaker 12 Wait, that's it? The file goes on for another 45 seconds or so, but we can't make any sense of it. It's either encrypted or corrupted.

Speaker 3 Hmm, that's not great.

Speaker 12 Very unlucky the encryption is corrupted.

Speaker 37 This is Sea Red IT5, Credits and Attribution Strode, commencing outro protocol. Pop-up flag Deck Setter was played by Aldern Ford.
C-53 and Becca were played by Jeremy Bend.

Speaker 37 Dar was played by Ali Kokash. Margie the Ship and the Chevarjet Automaton were played by Mujan Zolfagari.
Master Missions Operations Manager Nerit Bundeloy and Daniel Buff were played by Seth Lind.

Speaker 37 AJ was played by Winston Null.

Speaker 37 Chef Graydon was played by special guest Don Finelli. Don is the host of the popular podcast The Need to Fail, named one of Vulture's best podcasts in 2018.

Speaker 37 New episodes drop every Tuesday on the Forever Dog Network or wherever you get your podcasts. Catch Don performing monthly in Los Angeles at UCB Sunset with his group Old Old Yorkers.

Speaker 37 Check out his Twitter at Donvinelli or his website Don-Vanelli.com for more info. This episode was edited by Alden Ford with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Speaker 37 Recorded at Robert Doggy Jr.'s Puppy Palace in Brooklyn, New York and Maximum Fun in Los Angeles. Music composed by Brennan Ryan and performed by famous Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Speaker 37 Opening crowd narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Shift design for the Rogerian Jade by Eric Boyce.
Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maxim Fun Network.

Speaker 35 Hey, I'm Anneke.

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Speaker 45 Oh, wow. Do you have x-rays back there?

Speaker 6 Of course we do.

Speaker 35 How do you think we could?

Speaker 19 Yeah, that's like half our cooking process.

Speaker 45 Are you kidding?

Speaker 13 I haven't had x-rays in so long. I'm sorry.

Speaker 11 You cook food with x-rays?

Speaker 45 You can. I don't think that.

Speaker 45 Oh, yeah, you can. No, I don't think that.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, you can.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 15 I can eat something that's been x-rayed.

Speaker 45 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 13 Uh-huh. I think you probably have eaten something that's been x-rayed.

Speaker 45 Oh, boy.

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Sure.