316: Chez Bargez [ft. Don Fanelli]

It is a time of fear and unrest.

Emperor Nermit Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist and also a planet crusher.

Crusher.

Now, Zima Knight Pleck Dexetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat whackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This is mission to sink.

So, in today's tutorial, we're going to be talking about how to get your woodsaber to glow.

So, first step, take it out.

Hello?

I'm a Dexter.

Yeah.

I've been keeping an ongoing

assets thus far.

Yeah, absolutely.

We have disabled the Planet Crusher

by robbing it of its only source of fuel, Teptornium.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Of course, there's the fleet of a thousand and two

contained within Kevin.

There's a potentially limitless army of recruits on the planet Kirkland.

There's these smuggling routes through B-Rock.

There's, of course,

ultimate power.

Dingle Popper and Marth.

A powerful Zema Prime.

Alright, there's, for whatever it's worth, Zema Prime.

Yes, full of something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And failing all else.

We do have

Papodixer?

Yeah.

What's the plan?

No,

no, I was asking you.

I was asking you what's the plan.

I asked you what's the plan.

You're a literal robot.

You haven't been working on that part?

I'm not a war machine.

I'm a protocol in diplomatic relations.

There's something in the Midnight Shadow that's like espionage protocols?

Espionage is very different than a full-fledged frontal assault.

I'm able to cloak.

I work in the shadows.

Okay, alright.

Okay.

And you don't have a plan.

I thought you were guiding us this whole time with the space.

My plan was to collect all of of this stuff and then we'll figure then that space guides us towards, you know.

Towards what?

The end, the big plan, the one that makes us win.

He's right, so what is that plan?

Okay.

I am.

Now that I know that you're not working on it, currently, I'll work on it more,

starting now.

It was way too late to start.

The Emperor's got a massive start on everything that we're doing.

We're at most.

Maybe we've got four missions before the Emperor catches up.

Oh, man.

I hadn't even thought about it like that.

I feel like it's going well.

No,

AJ.

I would say it's actually not going well.

What do you mean?

We're nailing it.

Okay, are you all ready for me?

Oh, no.

Dar, what's going on?

I'm just saying I need to know.

I need verbal confirmation that you are ready.

Dar, it's hard to prepare appropriately if we don't know what we're preparing for.

Dar, listen, you know, we've seen all of these changes.

You've been warmed.

I'm just saying we can handle...

Oh, my rod.

Wow.

You've been long.

Oh, no.

Dar.

Dar, I promised I would not say anything when you entered the seventh octemester, but I know.

It is difficult.

How...

How are you

retaining this much fluid?

I don't know how I'm retaining this much fluid.

Dar, I gotta ask, are you gonna be able to get out of the hatch when we leave the ship on this mission?

Okay, I'm talking just logistically, literally, everybody.

I know you're talking logistically, but it also kind of feels like you're just

some of the water.

This is like a buddy out

there.

That's it.

That's it.

Huge.

I've got to go somewhere.

Dar, isn't that a huge?

No,

AJ, don't.

Okay.

Dar,

sorry about that.

It's just, um,

my emotions kind of come in waves.

I have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager Buckley.

Great.

Hey, Nermit.

Hey, guys.

Uh, hey, Nermit.

Oh, Dar, you're finally the right size for that Flarin shirt you got at Marf's.

Yeah, I, um,

I correctly guessed how large I was going to be

seven.

Yay.

You look

great.

Oh,

thank you.

Thank you, Nermit.

Yeah, you look amazing.

You look, you look, you know, like, I honestly, like, I, I love Dar and the more there is, the better.

Nermit, that is.

I don't know how to deal with it right now.

Who's with me?

AJ.

That's all right, AJ.

Nermit, what's up?

I just got back from a hike.

Oh, great.

You went on a hike?

Yeah.

Spurge and I hiked up the pipe.

That's not a hike.

Why were you in the pipe?

Nermin.

You know, honestly, we're sort of starting to feel like we're not really making any progress

in our mission to defeat the Emperor.

What we need is for you to be there on Zima Prime, working together with the Zimas to come up with a plan.

Yeah, yeah, I am.

Don't worry.

I'm sure Nermin isn't like jucking around or anything.

Okay, I've got a brand new mission, but first, let me pull down this uh pull this sheet off this diagram.

Okay, so I've been

like tracking our progress here with little these models.

So here's

what I'm talking about.

You spent so much time on that diorama, and I think what we need is to just get to the Emperor, just get to the Planet Crusher Crusher or something.

Yes.

We need practical information to take that thing down.

Absolutely.

And I need a very good lawyer.

Okay, I don't know if that's gonna happen with this mission.

Let's do this.

Okay, so I think, guys, who knows?

This mission could deliver us to those ends, you know, exactly.

So here is our brand new mission.

Alright, so you are going to the back room of a restaurant and you're going to

have a restaurant.

Yeah.

Oh, yes, that part is the same as, I guess technically the same as last mission.

And you are going to meet an informant who has a microchip of information.

That was a ruse the last time.

This really is like this is a microchip.

Wait, wait, guys, is this my baby shower?

No,

why would you have a baby shower?

I don't know.

I mean, I this.

Are you pregnant?

I

know.

Okay.

Okay, it's not your baby shower.

Is this just a ruse of a ruse to get me a ruse so that I won't know that I'm getting another party?

No, baby.

The negatives kept negative each other out.

If you mean you don't have a party, then yes, this is not a party.

We're going to support it.

Okay, sure.

I don't have a party.

Okay, all right.

This day is looking up.

Nervous.

It's not a ruse.

What's the mission?

Coincidental, it's totally new.

You're going to the back room of a restaurant.

You're going to have to be blindfolded when you get there.

Well, nervous.

It's not

time loop.

We're in a time loop, guys.

No, we're not.

I don't have another present.

I don't have another present.

I don't have another present.

You don't need a present.

It's not a

passing.

We're in the past.

Time loop, guys.

Magic where you are.

It's just time loop.

How about a blast?

We're in a blast away.

We got a blast away on this time loop.

Nervous, what restaurant are we going to?

It's called Paula's Banquet Hall.

No, wait, Nerve.

Nerve it.

Wait, guys, don't.

Oh,

sorry, that I was looking at yesterday's session this time.

Okay.

Okay.

So, uh, alright, sorry.

It is Shea Barger.

Ah, Shea Barger.

Shea Barger?

You may not know this, but Shea Barger is a chain of Bargie-themed restaurants opened in the last, I don't know, eight months or so.

Yeah, of the whole franchise.

Uh, Bargie.

this is good.

This is a good idea.

I don't need a lawyer.

I don't need a lawyer, okay?

I'm gonna go.

Oh, this is great.

This is gonna be the best second baby shower ever.

I hate to tell you.

I need this.

I hate

this.

Dear Diary, life's been pretty whatever since mom and dad got crushed by the Emperor.

Sometimes I'm angry.

Sometimes I'm sad.

Sometimes I feel like I got bees inside me like some kind of two-mouth robot.

But mostly, I'm fine.

I'm fine, God.

I spend a lot of time by myself these days with my headphones on and my hair covering my eyes.

If anyone asks, I tell them I'm listening to Death Metal.

But honestly, Diary, I'm catching up on my favorite audio dramas.

My absolute favorite is the new science fiction podcast, Vast Horizon.

Aw man, it's so cool and dark and awesome.

Okay, so Vast Horizon is about an agronomist named Nalira who's on this big rad spaceship called the Bifrost going to populate a new system with 400,000 people on board.

But something happens and Nalira wakes up in one of these ships emergency rooms alone.

She has to overcome a ton of mission-critical problems just to survive.

Her only companion is the ship's malfunctioning AI, who is constantly putting Nalira in danger.

Is it intentional or is it the only way to help her?

Oh, Diary, you're the only one I can tell my true feelings to.

Who else would even care that I love Action Pack sci-fi in an audio format with an awesome voice cast, an award-winning sound design team, and a sprawling epic story?

I guess no one will ever truly understand me.

Amazing new episodes of Vast Horizon are released every two weeks, and I get it for free on whatever podcast app I want.

I just jucking love audio dramas, okay?

Get off my back, Diary.

Love Centurion Tittle

Welcome to Shape RJ!

Welcome to Shade by J.

Wow!

Welcome to Shade By J.

It's a tiny Barchie.

Wow.

Sit wherever you want, I don't care.

Sit wherever you want, I don't care.

So accurate.

We're going out of business.

We're going out of business.

It's so interesting that this is such a nice place, but that the Maitre D is

like an automaton of Bargie.

Hi, everybody.

Sit wherever you want.

Oh, hello, yeah, sure.

Hi, sit wherever you want.

You can spread out wherever you want.

You can sit at different tables.

You can sit at the same table.

You can sit on the floor, on the bar, wherever you want.

Are you the actual Maitre D, not the.

No!

No, I'm the head chef here.

I'm Graydon.

Yeah.

Of course, then this isn't a normal restaurant, is it?

I thought you knew me!

I thought you came here because you knew me.

Oh, I thought you, oh, I thought my, oh,

I thought everybody knew who I was because of my food.

That's okay.

I'm eat.

What do you want?

Let me give you some fizzy.

Some fizzy.

Yeah.

Nice.

Yeah.

It's made of sediment and liquid.

Just like in all those cargi movies.

Oh, yeah, I guess I could sort of see that kind of liquid.

Yeah.

Yeah, sediment and liquid.

The budget drink of Chef Baje.

Drink it up.

What was that?

It would seem the restaurant is equipped with a limited form of AI that's able to recreate bargain style reactions.

Huh.

Wow, that was really good.

Right?

You can really put the sediment, that's right.

That's right.

Graydon, this is a really beautiful restaurant.

How long have you been the chef here?

Oh, 14 years.

Wow, 14 years.

In the past five months, it turned into a Bardi restaurant.

And I stayed on.

Oh, great.

It's not my fault.

Anyway, please enjoy.

Can I, are you here?

Do you have any reservations or anything?

Actually, yeah, we're meeting someone here.

Ooh, that doesn't put me over the top.

I need to go to the little Dar's room.

Take your time, Darby, because you're there's a ton of fluid in you.

Congratulations, by the way.

Daddy, daddy, that person's fat.

Okay,

that's uh, yeah, that's rude but accurate.

Okay,

hey, you shut your chucking mouth, you

excuse me, excuse me,

okay, get out of here.

AJ,

I urinated my trouser

Graydon.

Uh, look, you, uh, maybe we should order some food, huh?

Yeah, it's it, well, well, it's a chef's tasting menu, so I just kind of bring stuff out and you try it.

Oh, great, okay.

If you don't like it, if you don't like it, I don't know, but I'll reburn the place down.

Oh, that's not, yeah, that's not

good.

No, I'll do it, I'll do it, I swear, you'll like it, trust me.

Okay, this looks amazing.

Great on, what is this?

This, uh, this used to be called uh sweet uh sefufa, and now it's uh called Barge Chunks.

Enjoy!

Oh, no.

Oh, my

chunks.

Hold me filled in chunks without a helmet.

It tastes good, right?

That is really good, yeah.

You're very welcome.

What do you mean had you learned?

Oh, well, you were born with this, and I'm a cheftini.

This is what we do.

What is a sh what is a cheftini?

We are bred from the soil, so the nutrients of the soil make us, and then we cook the nutrients.

What what does that mean?

I grow from the ground.

And then once they're born, they toil the land and make food out of that.

That's right.

What kind of cuisine are you guys known for here at Shea Barget?

We get everything here.

Everyone loves us.

Wow.

And they like me.

I'm so-you don't know me.

I guess.

But honestly, I do know.

Look at the wall.

Look at all the stuff that's written about me.

Well, there's a lot of

barging merch kind of covering you right now.

These are

I know we had it dude.

Look under this.

I'm gonna lift up this peg of this little t-shirt here.

Oops.

And what does that say?

Greydong.

Graydon, great.

Great.

Greydon, great.

Yeah, that's it.

That's sort of a punchy review headline, I'd say.

Graydon, great.

It's 5G o'clock.

It's 5G o'clock.

Everybody get up and dance.

Everybody get up and dance and slap your friend.

Everybody get up and dance.

Slap your friend.

You just get up and slap your friend.

Okay.

Ow!

Why did everybody hit me when we

don't get to hit everyone?

Everyone's friends!

Okay.

Ow!

Who are you?

I'm Daniel Buff.

Get the shock out of me!

You gotta step on that guy.

Okay, AJ, guys, can we just focus, please?

Yes, break down.

We should actually let you know we're here to meet someone in the back room.

Oh, at the chef's table, you're the group.

Okay.

Okay, well, sorry about that.

There is an even more special menu for you in the back.

Follow me.

You know, C33, it feels like this is a really nice restaurant that there's sort of a

layer of bargee over it that kind of takes away from the experience to me.

Welcome to the back.

Even the chef's table is everybody slap your friends.

Welcome to the back.

There's a table over there.

I think whoever was supposed to meet you is either running late or they just came and they're not here anymore.

I mean, I guess that's impossible.

Sure, I'll be right out.

Look at all the pots.

That's for sure.

Yeah, a lot of pots.

I think it's really impressive that

Graydon can cook so much food in such a short amount of time.

He's so small and

doesn't there be fingers yeah just sort of like wavy

but so deathly maneuver and those watch him spread that songs just yeah

so much care

he's crying though it's weird

what

I don't think Farchie actually washes their hands though

Where?

I'm sorry.

I'm just so large.

Where are you talking?

It just sounds so close to my face.

It's you.

Yeah, I guess so.

Wait, you probably don't remember, but you were in a zip ride and I was there, but I didn't look like this.

I looked very different, but you look the same.

You're still bleeding.

Yeah, I am still bleeding.

You know, it's a funny story.

When I got on Bargie, I was just.

Someone said the word Baji.

Tosh his hands.

Everybody do the Baji dance.

Hands out, hands in, hands this, hands out.

Everybody do the Baji.

Everybody do the Baji.

Oh, I love doing the Bargy.

Oh, man.

I just feel like.

Yeah, sure.

Little Bargy Boosh.

They're little Bargies.

Do you have to learn Tip Garfa?

Yeah, we do have Garfon often.

That's what this is.

Oh, I tasted it.

I tasted it.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, that's what this is.

What do you mean that's what this is?

You mean this is Garfon?

Uh-huh.

That's what this is.

Why did you preface it by saying you know how Tellurians have Garfon?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that's what this is.

Alright.

Try it.

Oh, it sort of tastes like Garfon.

Yeah, right?

But we do something a little different.

Is it Garfon or

It's Garfa.

Yeah, it tastes like it.

I'm kind of the clip with the best palate, so

guys, guys, it's not Garfa.

Wait, what?

What?

It's not.

What is it?

Oh, I can't tell you.

Okay.

Wait, great on it.

It might hurt your stomach.

Oh, it.

Oh, wait.

Yeah, no, I don't.

It might.

It might hurt your stomach.

But it shouldn't.

But it might, okay?

Some people have an allergy to this.

Okay, well, then you should tell us what it is.

Sure, do you know that Tellurians have like soy?

Yes.

Uh, yes.

Yeah.

Do you know that bean?

A soy bean.

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

That's what this is.

Okay, soy garfa.

I thought it was.

Oh, darn, you gotta try one of these bargie bouges.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're pregnant, and you're pregnant.

Oh, yeah, I'll try that.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, oops.

Oh, gosh.

Oh, oops.

Oh.

Oh, oops, what?

It's...

You're not supposed to eat that if you're pregnant.

It could kind of speed things up.

I'm sorry.

It could kind of speed things up.

And if I ate many more of these, how much could we speed things up?

Sorry, I like, oh, well, if you had a lot of them.

If I just took.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh, God!

I mean,

I mean, they're bargee bushes, so they're very tiny, but I mean, you took all of them, so it could speed things up.

It's not.

Love to speed things up.

Give me an estimate here.

A guesstimate, if you will.

What is happening?

It was not so.

I'm sorry.

I thought it wasn't so.

I'm so sorry.

You just have to give me a heads up if there's a pregnant person in the party.

Oh boy, yeah, this is going to happen for another couple of seconds.

Okay.

Wow.

You could have been taken right through the danger zone.

So, what else you got, Graydon?

Oh, sure, let me go in the back.

You see those pots?

Yeah, what's in them?

What's in them?

Oh, so many things for you.

The whole meal is all in those pots.

Be right back.

I like him.

I think he's great.

I can't really figure out what his deal is.

Yeah.

I was initially unnerved that when he winks, the lids appear and then disappear.

And his mouth just seems to be like a a cir a a pink circle that just sort of changes shape as he talks.

Yeah.

Sorry, before I uh

shape-shifted into eternity, I

wanted to reintroduce you to a former acquaintance of all of ours.

Hi.

Oh, wow.

Wait, who's this guy?

We met this guy on uh on Bargie uh when Bargie was driving forward.

I could tell you their name, but I

couldn't hear anything over the music that Bargie sings.

Time for the chef to sing the Bargie song.

Sing, chef, sing, chef.

It's yours, Chef.

Go for it now.

Bargie, Bargie, you're my best.

Bargie, Bargie, Ike the rest.

Bargie, Bargie, you're my queen.

Queen, queen, I see you, queen.

Yeah, that's pretty, pretty intense.

Yeah, it's

wow.

That's a really beautiful song.

So, this guy's just gonna sit with us.

What's going on?

I don't know.

Dar, is he this a friend of yours?

Is there someone you're adding to the party?

Yes, we are adding someone to my party, Pleck.

Your party?

This is my new friend.

Hi, I'm Becca.

Hi.

Hi, Becca.

It's great to meet you.

We have a seat, I guess.

Wait, so what are you putting?

what's this stuff that you're putting down here?

Oh, it's a sampler platter.

Yeah, it's all about textures, it's all about comfort, it's all about sensations, um, it's all about textures.

Yeah, you said that earlier, but I I agree with you.

Yeah, but there's different textures.

Oh, I bookend it with textures.

Time to add podgy sauce.

Time to add faji sauce.

It's everywhere.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I really like working here.

I just want to let everybody know that.

I'm very proud to work here.

I'm able to cook what I want to cook, and

it's going well.

And

I just want to let everybody know that.

Yeah, there was a lot of budget cuts.

I used to import the finest ingredients, and once this Bargie took over,

it's worse ingredients it's it's just not good

I just I'm so sorry I have to say

it's it's it's not so it's not anything you think

it's all made of zip shits no no zip shits it's zip shit yeah it's what is what is zip shits it's basically like

like the sewers that we have here like underground it's it's basically kind of where all all waste goes and it's all filtered out through these rocks and then they crush the rocks down, and the rocks make these powder, and that zip shit.

Oh, no,

great on.

I'm so sorry.

I tried my best to dial it all up for you guys, but there's massive budget cuts.

And I apologize.

This is not the restaurant I opened.

What were you serving then?

Oh,

all sorts of great stuff.

You know, Ninos,

Petro, Lynxes,

Chet Chis,

croups,

and lots and lots.

I mean, just pl Every every meal came with a snark.

And now it's just zip shits.

It's all made out of zip shits here, and I'm so sorry about that.

Yeah.

There's air, there's water, but it's mostly zip shits.

Ah, that's a secret ingredient.

Did somebody say secret?

It's time for body secrets.

Podgy secrets.

Everybody go around and reveal yourself.

Alright, everybody's got to go around and reveal themselves.

Okay, well.

Any secret about yourself, you just have to go.

It won't let she won't it turns off everything in here if we don't all go around, so everyone's gotta kind of dish out a secret.

I snuck a couple more Bargie Bouches and now I'm gonna go.

Oh darling!

Oh, um

adulterative.

Alright, that is such a good reveal.

The only thing I've ever won is best sportsmanship in fourth grade's eyeball.

Also, how's the song.

That's the least stealthy song.

I don't know.

I just don't know.

Uh, I guess

I don't dream.

Wow.

Yes.

At all?

No.

Never once.

Nope, never.

I don't know what it is.

I'm worried it's the whole do I have a soul thing.

I can't dream.

Yeah, I boy.

Anyway, I don't dream.

And I don't have a stomach.

Great job, everybody.

Wait.

Wait, you don't have a stomach?

No.

How do you eat?

How do you taste?

Oh, I eat.

How do you taste?

I have a mouth.

I have a tongue.

I have everything.

I just don't have a stomach.

That's why I can eat and eat.

And now it's time for a clip.

Introducing the star of the stage, screen, holler, radio, audio, video, film,

butter.

Hello, my name is Bajeri and Jay.

Welcome to my restaurant, Shay Baj.

Here, we believe in the finest of produce and giving you meals that will change your life.

I'm very proud of all the work we've done.

We've hired all of the best chefs and taking them away from their already promising careers and making them be part of my future.

Thank you from all of us here at Shea Bajay.

Remember, believe in your stars, and uh,

you are okay,

okay.

Great, that was a great take.

Just one more.

Wow, they left that.

They left that.

I don't want to do this anymore.

This is stupid.

Bargie, stop thrashing about

it.

Seems like a bad investment.

I'm just saying, I don't want to do this.

Seems like they should have just edited it at all.

This is exactly what I come to Shea Bar J for.

You've been here before?

This is my favorite restaurant.

Man, there's so many layers to you.

I think I'd like my first shower a little bit more.

Listen, Graydon, we're just trying to meet somebody here in the back room.

Oh, you're here to meet me, I think.

What?

Wait, you?

Yeah, I guess I thought the guy said

bathroom and not back room.

Oh,

yeah.

That makes sense.

So, yeah, were you looking for this?

Oh, the microchip.

Yeah.

Do the 5G shakes to the 5G tip.

Everybody do the 5G shakes to the 5G shakes to the 5G type.

No, don't do

Becca.

I just had to do what the song said.

You didn't.

Uh-oh, yeah.

That's not gonna work now.

I'm sorry about that.

Well, I shouldn't have blindly obeyed a song.

Do you have a second copy of what's on that microchip?

I do, yeah.

But I lost it a long time ago.

Okay,

why would you even just say no?

Well, you asked a question.

Why would you?

You obviously set us up and then completely dashed our hopes.

Well, the fact remains there is a second copy.

I just

lost it.

For all intents and purposes,

you don't have a second copy.

This is hell.

No, I don't pull somebody.

I'm in a living hell, and I'm so sorry.

Graydon, is there a way to just go back to being a regular restaurant and not a shit?

It seems like it really depresses you to work this way.

Honestly,

I'm gonna burn the place down.

Okay, that seems like there's gotta be a third option.

That's it, thank you.

No, thank you.

I'm gonna light this place on fire.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm gonna light the floor.

No, no, no.

A new day.

Okay.

A new Grey Don.

Grey Don't corrected.

This is definitely better than my last shower.

Okay, listen, Graydon.

You don't have to work here.

You could quit.

You could start over.

Start your own restaurant.

I could do that.

I don't have to burn this floor.

Oh, you said it.

I was like, yeah, that is the perfect idea.

But then you said, I can do something else, and that makes a lot more sense.

Ah, Bargie, I'm going to work someplace else.

Thank you for the opportunity.

But Graydon, out.

Seth is walking

Seth is walking out.

That little barge.

That little barge is.

No, AJ, we're not.

It's just.

Welcome to Shane Boxy.

Wherever you are out.

This hasn't happened before.

Hey, don't shoot a blast here.

Everything's flammable in here.

Oh no.

Don't look in under the bathroom floor.

Go look under the bathroom floor.

Help, help, help, help.

Run, everybody, run, everybody get out of here.

This is.

Oh, no, this is bad.

Everybody lose the body dance.

Oh, no.

You know what?

Everybody leave.

I'm gonna take care of this.

You ruined my life.

You ruined my life.

Why is everyone looking at me?

Leave.

Screwdown.

I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna burn up in this place.

Everybody get out of here.

Yeah, you gotta get out of here.

Oh, no, that's a good idea.

I should leave with you guys.

Yeah, come on down, Skraydon.

Sorry, sorry.

Yes, that's a better idea.

Okay.

Oh, no, that fire is spreading rapidly.

Graydon,

is there a fire extinguisher?

Are there sprinkler systems anywhere?

Budget cuts.

So many budget cuts?

They removed the sprinkler system from this restaurant?

They removed all water from the restaurant.

Oh, Graydon.

It must be more expensive.

Take the sprinkler system out.

No, no, it's recycled oil.

That's all it's going through the pipes!

It's just cooking oil recycled through the pipes!

Coffin oil!

It's just spraying oil everywhere!

It's a load, it's like a safflower oil.

The front door's on fire!

We're all gonna die together!

Why would you say it like that?

Please don't be happy about this.

I have

No budget cuts.

They sealed off in that room.

There's no exit.

There's no exit.

How can it be cheaper to break up a door than to just leave the door?

Because every time you open the door, it lets out air, and then that's a Z.

So if you just seal it up, there's no AC.

Well, I can't let Becca die this way.

Dar, how did you shoot all that water out of you?

What the shot?

Well, I just thought about, you know, Becca meeting an untimely demise, and I guess some kind of instinct took over.

What about us?

Wow, Dar, that's...

that really means a lot to me.

Oh, it was just such a...

I'm just so happy we got to reconnect.

I will tell you this, my friend.

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Wait.

Something's not right here.

An obnoxiously large subwoofer.

Bad taste in music.

Dubious career choices.

You're not fresh at all.

This is some sort of trap.

I must warn the others.

Well, you know, uh, not all of our missions go great, but I think that one went worse than most.

What

the bargie chunks were great.

I'm sorry, you burned down

a shade budget.

I guess we didn't burn it down, but we allowed it to burn down.

It doesn't exist.

Everything was covered.

Listen, Bargie, everything was covered in oil.

We would never have been able to save the restaurant.

Uh, you know what?

I tried so hard to make all of these businesses work.

I gave them ability to use my image, my voice.

I don't even know what it's saying in there.

I hope it's nice.

I hope I'm a sweetheart.

Am I a sweetheart in there?

Am I like that?

I don't know, Bargy.

You should try to make it into one of those restaurants sometimes.

Yeah, it's not my thing.

It's kind of like not classy if the star of a restaurant goes to the restaurant.

You know what I mean?

It's a desperate, you know?

Yeah,

Bargy, it's not a great representation of you in there.

That's disappointing because me and the investors, we came up with a plan.

We're like, it's losing money because I'm not that big of a star.

It's all a facade.

So I was like, why don't you put oil in the instead of water?

I don't know.

I'm a shit shit pump.

That's how I deal with things.

Why would you need doors?

You just need one door.

Like I have one hatch.

You don't need multiple doors.

Either restaurant is not like a shit pump.

What's an A C?

I don't have an A C and so I was like get rid of the A C an A C what is that?

Wait Bargy do you not have a sprinkler system?

What is food?

Just use like I don't you guys eat it and it comes out.

Just use the thing that it comes out with.

Bargie

I don't know.

I'm not a someone gave me way too much Power, yes.

I agree.

It's not my fault.

Again, I hope I came off as a beautiful sweetheart because that's the one.

Yeah, yeah, no, Bargy.

Darn.

I'm sorry.

It wasn't actually a second baby shower.

You know, it's okay.

I guess the one solace here is knowing that I won't have to be pregnant forever.

Dangerously accelerated your pregnancy.

Yeah, they said that I'm careening towards birth any moment now.

I mean, we're imminent at this point.

Dar, I have an incoming transmission from Becca.

Ooh, good Eve.

Hi, Becca.

How are you doing?

Hi, Becca.

I'm okay.

Where did you go?

I thought you were.

Did you get home safely?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I just called a zip.

I shouldn't take these zips.

I mean, I lost that microchip the last time I took a zip.

Becca, you lost.

The last time you took a zip was Bargie.

You were on Bargie.

Oh, yeah.

Just that little closet I went into.

Oh, Papa, that's your room.

That's my room.

Anyway, Dora, heavy baby shower.

Thanks so much, Becca.

I was really, I'm really glad you were there.

I'm glad we could share it.

Okay.

Guys,

I found it.

It's in here.

It was in here the whole time.

What have I got?

It was in there the whole time?

Is your room very messy?

How could you have missed this?

It's a very small microchip, okay?

But you have a very small bedroom.

Okay, yes.

I don't inventory everything in my room every time I go in and out, okay?

Oh, I do.

That's how I know if you guys have touched anything while I've been gone.

I learned that lesson right away, Darwin.

Yeah, I do too.

It's just a subroutine I have.

Oh, yeah, it's automatic in your case.

On the deck center, I have an

Hey, Nermit.

Hey, guys.

Hey, how's it going?

We're just

grilling some mallows with the Zimas.

Cool.

Cool.

That's great.

Why are you in the

mallow for you?

No, we're on the other side of the quadrant.

Nermit, you should set aside time to call us.

Just call us when you're not in the middle.

There's only one time where time time is just a loop.

You know what I mean?

Like, we're just looping, and like what?

No,

no, no, no.

Long story short, is mission accomplished.

We got the microchip, and that's really all you need to know.

What we got?

It is in Bleck's bedroom.

Yeah, Plex had it all the time.

All right, what's on it?

Oh, let's check it out.

Okay.

Just pop it in.

Wait, that's it?

The file goes on for another 45 seconds or so, but we can't make any sense of it.

It's either encrypted or corrupted.

Hmm, that's not great.

Very unlucky the encryption is corrupted.

This is Sea Red IT5, Credits and Attribution Strode, commencing outro protocol.

Pop-up flag Deck Setter was played by Aldern Ford.

C-53 and Becca were played by Jeremy Bend.

Dar was played by Ali Kokash.

Margie the Ship and the Chevarjet Automaton were played by Mujan Zolfagari.

Master Missions Operations Manager Nerit Bundeloy and Daniel Buff were played by Seth Lind.

AJ was played by Winston Null.

Chef Graydon was played by special guest Don Finelli.

Don is the host of the popular podcast The Need to Fail, named one of Vulture's best podcasts in 2018.

New episodes drop every Tuesday on the Forever Dog Network or wherever you get your podcasts.

Catch Don performing monthly in Los Angeles at UCB Sunset with his group Old Old Yorkers.

Check out his Twitter at Donvinelli or his website Don-Vanelli.com for more info.

This episode was edited by Alden Ford with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Recorded at Robert Doggy Jr.'s Puppy Palace in Brooklyn, New York and Maximum Fun in Los Angeles.

Music composed by Brennan Ryan and performed by famous Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Opening crowd narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Shift design for the Rogerian Jade by Eric Boyce.

Audio hosting by Simplecast.

Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maxim Fun Network.

Hey, I'm Anneke.

And I'm James.

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Oh, wow.

Do you have x-rays back there?

Of course we do.

How do you think we could?

Yeah, that's like half our cooking process.

Are you kidding?

I haven't had x-rays in so long.

I'm sorry.

You cook food with x-rays?

You can.

I don't think that.

Oh, yeah, you can.

No, I don't think that.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you can.

Oh, yeah.

I can eat something that's been x-rayed.

Oh, yeah.

Uh-huh.

I think you probably have eaten something that's been x-rayed.

Oh, boy.

Yeah.

Sure.