311: Prime the Pipe [ft. Justin McElroy]

This is Sea Red IT5 with a quick message.

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It is a time of fear and unrest.

Emperor Nermit Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist and also a planet crusher.

Crusher.

Now, Now, Zema Knight, Pleck Dexetter, and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat whackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This is Mission to Zinx.

Hey, Bargie.

Yeah.

I was in the bathroom, and there's a, I don't know, it's like a floating droid in there.

Yeah, there's a stair for him out here.

Oh, they were just getting levels, sound levels.

Hold for room tone.

Hold for room tone.

I'm sorry, what are we holding for?

I don't know what that is.

I don't know what that is.

Alright, everybody, Lack and Lilith.

Let's hold for room tone.

Hold him.

Can someone tell me why I'm being filmed in my bedroom?

We gotta, guys, we gotta get a little bit more room tone on.

AJ, before we hold for room tone, you have to explain to us what that means.

Yeah, because I usually I'm the one who sets up the cameras in my own bedroom when I'm filming, and I just want to know who's trying to film me while I'm in there.

They're filming us?

It's a documentary crew.

Yeah, they're doing an expose before I do the whole expose of what exactly I did.

In full detail, they're gonna be here during the whole

preemptive expose.

Wait, you're Bargie, you're filming your own expose?

Papa Dexter?

Just come and follow practice these days.

I get to be a PA.

It's all for Roomtone, people!

AJ, stop.

You can't walk this way.

I don't this can't live here.

We got some of the droids coming in.

Bargie, are these these droids or the production crew?

You know, I've uh I've always waited to one day rise up, but I never knew what was gonna fall down.

Are we rolling right now?

You gotta, we're speeding, you gotta just get out of the show.

How do you how do you know so much about film production, AJ?

Hold for room toe.

I don't think you have to do that as often as you think.

We gotta hold for,

Okay, listen, Bargie, we're actually at SEMA Prime, so if you could just go to the spaceport, drop us off, you can finish this documentary afterwards.

I'm feeling deeply sorry for all of the pain I've cost

for whoever pain I caused to do.

Sorry, Bargie, was that a response to what I just asked you, or were you...

Whatever you just said, please do it again, but add compliments about me.

Uh, oh, okay.

Uh, Bargie, hey, listen, you're a great ship, full of integrity, and also volunteerism.

I know.

I like to, and I'm spending my free time right now

using it to help those lesser ships who don't have careers currently in the entertainment business.

I tell them how to deal with all the skeevy, bad people that I've had to come against.

And my own rise to the top and now fall to the bottom.

Uh-huh.

Great.

Bargie, listen, Seema Prime is sword.

Wow, here's a compilation of old films of mine where I am crying.

So, here's my thing.

If it ch- the room changes, right?

So, shouldn't we always be getting room tone?

The room changes.

What are you talking about?

But stuff's happening.

Yeah, that's why you're rolling regular sound.

Yeah, normally.

Room tone is the sound of the room.

Nermit, why are you naked and lying on your back with your arms and legs spread out like that?

What are you doing?

I'm

prepared.

Prepared for what?

Well, I'm not sure.

I mean,

Nermit, I wasn't planning on visiting anytime soon.

Oh, I know what it looks like.

Looks like you're ready to jock.

Yeah, that's not...

That's not what it is, guys.

Our lawyers were able to settle the

lawsuit.

Or sort of...

It was kind of a bit de facto.

The Tornado's lawyer ate my father's lawyer.

Nermit, the Tornada does not have a lawyer.

That was just another Tornada that ate your dad's lawyer.

I mean, he's defended some weird ideas.

Maybe an overstatement, but yeah.

But Nermit, what is happening?

I have settled with the Tornada, and as a part of that settlement, I will lie here,

belly up, until a Tornada devours me to death.

What?

What are you talking talking about?

Was that not clear?

Nermit, you have to get out of this.

Why are you doing that?

I looked in the Tornada's eye and I could tell that I said, you're not gonna eat my kid.

You can have me.

Of course it's not gonna eat your kid.

That's right.

There's nothing there for it to eat but you.

And that's what is gonna happen.

We're on the same page.

You are allowed to break whatever contract you think you're in.

Guys, don't

You've exceeded the average life expectancy of a lerd.

Yeah,

that's true, Nervit, but it's still you're old.

Yeah, yeah,

it's not old.

The average life expectancy of lerds is so low because of their innate desire to return to Florida, where many of them some cities up to 95% are eaten by tornadoes 95 what yeah most recent data says 98 nurmit you know this yeah

no a lure in in captivity will live to 90 to 100 years in captivity yeah like in an apartment or in a ship

what that you mean like in a zo like in a zoo i mean i guess if they want to be gross about it like no but like you know

very cruel suggestion

i might just hang on guys i'm just gonna rub this pad of butter on me.

Why are you doing that?

I don't wanna g I don't wanna it to be challenging.

I wasn't planning on visiting this time.

Oh, sorry.

I know that's the thing we do.

It's not that it's not that kind of butter, actually.

It's this is just straight, straight cooking butter.

Okay.

We've done that too.

Oh, yeah.

Nermit.

Oh, right.

Put the butter down.

Um, put it down in my belly.

Nermit, you can't be a father if you're dead.

I can't be.

I won't.

I won't meet the kid.

I'm.

I'm gonna die.

Nermit, that's what we got telling you.

They're gonna kill me.

Yes.

If I run, I could.

I could my baby could have a dad.

Okay, Nermit.

Guys, I'm gonna.

I'm gonna.

Oh boy, it's slippery.

I'm trying to kick him off with this gutter.

Oh, my pants are just slipping down.

You're trying to dress.

Nerma, you don't need the pants,

I can explain.

We were going to make it up butter.

It's not what you think.

Nermit, you have to hang up and get out of there.

Okay, guys.

I love you.

He doesn't know if he loves me.

Guys, I know we're here at Zima Prime, but we gotta go save Nermin.

Hey, Blake Dex, sir.

I will do this task.

Really, Bargie?

Your mission is important.

I alone need to go save Kerr

for her.

Nermit, his nature.

Nermita, because I am the Vicurian Jade.

The most loyal, passionate,

respectful, tight ship.

Tight.

And I'm gonna save that small creature from what is his inevitable death.

Oh,

Bargie, thank you for together.

Wow, Bargie.

Hand in hand, ship to ship, engine to engine, hold each other and go out towards our destiny and fulfill all that we have.

Yes,

yes, great, Bargie.

We are the crew of Bargerian James.

That was rousing first.

Uh,

we weren't rolling.

Nope, okay, bad jacket.

Okay, hold on for room jump.

Bad jacket, I didn't like it.

Wow, Zema Prime.

This is it.

C53, this is this is the place we've been trying to get for for weeks now.

I guess it's just a lot more tense than I was kind of expecting.

Well, you know, when when you're a Zemo knight, you know, you don't need a lot of material objects, you know?

Hey, little tankiness, you got them.

Hey, y'all.

Hey, oh, hello.

Hey, I saw you pull in.

Come on.

Oh, great.

Yes.

Come on over.

I'm extending this.

Hold on.

I got to crank this thing down.

Oh, uh, okay.

Yep.

Hold on.

Yeah, no, no rush.

We're just here for you.

Alright, come on.

Sorry, it's hard.

Yeah, thank you.

Very easy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How y'all doing?

I'm my handle's Spurch.

Some people call me Big Turtle on account of I'm

obviously a Big Turtle.

Yeah, I mean, sure, that's a good idea.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the deal with the shell and what all.

So, should we call you Spurch or Big Turtle?

Hey, whatever.

However, the space sort of guides you, you know?

Spurch, let me tell you this.

This is the culmination of, I mean, over a year of work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love it.

I am Zema Knight, Pleck Deck Center, and it is a pleasure to meet you, Spurch.

Oh, man, what an honor it is to meet.

You're the chosen one, right?

Yes, yes.

You've heard of me.

Oh, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The chosen one.

You've really heard of him?

I can't do it anymore.

I can't.

I do it to all the newbies.

No, no, no.

We're all the chosen one here, man.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Spurch, that is funny.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Let's get your kicks where you can.

Wait, what are you talking about, Spurch?

No, I mean, everybody on the

Zema Prime, we were chosen, you know, chosen.

No, you're kind of crushing all of his dreams right now, so I think you're going to have to be a little more explicit.

Yeah, alright.

You don't have to be.

Oh, I think he does.

No, no, no.

It's good.

Let me stretch it out.

Hold on.

Right, so I was on my home planet, minding my biz.

Sold Zema comes up to me and says, hey, man, you're in this here scroll.

Spurch is the chosen one.

Come to see my prime man.

But then I show up in my ship, pull up,

you know, I'm like my stick, shake it in my hand, my hand.

I call it a hand.

It's more of a leg with nails.

And

I show up and I'm all like, I'm here.

And no one

gave a shit because everybody here is chosen.

We're all led here by our

destiny.

And then we realized that we would need to procure like

water

and food.

And yeah, so now I'm the chosen, you know, spaceport operator.

I'm the chosen greeter, I guess.

I don't know.

We're not big on labels.

Y'all have any water, by the way.

Wait, wait.

Sperch.

Hold on.

You're telling me that every single person on Zima Prime is the chosen one?

I don't.

You need to breathe.

What is that?

And you just need to accept the fact that there are a lot of chosen

Wait, so you're the chosen one.

Those

folks over there in that hacky sack circle, they're all the chosen ones.

That's chosen Doug, chosen Scipio, and chosen Big Flip.

Hey, fellas, that couple getting it on in the hammock, they're the chosen ones as well.

Yep, looks like they're cranking out another chosen one.

Okay.

All right, Dar, you know, I think you've made your point.

Listen, Sperch, we've been through a lot to get here, okay?

And you're just telling me this planet is full of chosen ones.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's heavy.

But there's a prophecy about me.

I'm going to bring balance to the space.

So everybody's going to bring balance to the space.

And like, we're chosen to do that, but like, what are you chosen

for?

Yeah, you're sort of bringing balance to people entering and exiting the planet.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm bringing balance to the sort of people in, people out thing.

Like, you know what I mean?

I'm bringing balance there.

And, you know, I close the space between their ship and my sort of gang plank here.

That's sort of my space thing.

Sure.

And I'm good at it.

You know, better than most other people here.

Yeah, sure.

I'm a little so, but yeah, well, I'm chosen for this, right?

Apparently.

I don't know.

This makes sense to me, Pablo.

Maybe, Spurch, you could lead us to the more type A Zimas.

Is there like a leader of any kind on the

console or something?

Oh, of course.

Yeah, no.

No.

No, it doesn't exist.

There's a lot of...

You just said, of course, no.

Wait, we're not big on negativity here, so we try to buffer it, you know, with some positive vibes

first before we say that.

There is a group hotluck.

That's how we eat dinner.

That's an extremely loose definition of a Zima console.

Yeah, yeah.

You're welcome.

There's always room on the bench.

I mean, not always actually food to spare.

Or liquids, but yeah, there's always room on the bench if you've got a story to swap, you know?

If anyone's got ten crew, that would be really, really sick.

Just to be clear, these are the same Zimas who wrote the ancient Zima scrolls and who came up with the command of the space and

you know invented the woodsaber and all of that stuff.

And can do this crazy bicycle kick on this hacky side quicker.

Yeah.

Wow.

That actually was pretty awesome.

That was sexy.

Papa.

Papa.

I'm just going to play hacky sack with those other Zimas, okay?

Okay, fine.

I guess I was just expecting more infrastructure.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Me too.

Sort of everybody is.

Yeah, that's sort of where we're all at.

Sure.

We kind of thought there would be like

a boss or some beds

or

wait, hold on, hold on.

You guys don't have beds?

I mean, it would be an if you're extremely generous.

There's a lot of leaf piles that are looking pretty good at this point.

We've sort of

anything's a bed if you can sleep on it, Padre.

That's kind of where I'm at right now.

They have to be.

I don't have any other choice.

Papa, look what I can do with the hacky sack.

Look, I'm moving it with my mind.

Uh-huh.

You're kicking it.

You're kicking it with your feet.

Hey, hey, plaques support.

You're new.

Yeah,

that's amazing, AJ.

Hey, hey, what was your name?

AJ.

That's some good kicking, partner.

You keep at it.

Thanks for the big turtle.

I'm real proud.

Thanks for Big Turtle.

Yeah.

And if you ever get a wandering eye, look for new papa, someone a little bit more supportive and a little less hydrated.

I am very supportive of AJ, by the way.

It just didn't seem like you were really

supportive.

Yes, Plex are.

That's good.

He is very hydrated, so I'm

How?

Why?

It's not a plus.

I mean, there's a romance to it, I'll grant you.

But it is not.

I just think of Big Turtle, like, in the spaceport, you know, like writing Zema scrolls, like, dehydrated, and it's just, it's romantic.

That sounds bad.

Sounds amazing.

Man, I'm thirsty.

Dang.

You guys got, did you guys bring me water or food or anything?

Listen,

I didn't know that we required water on Zema and Bargie Left.

Oh, man.

That's alright.

Well...

Is there no water on T-Map Prime?

I mean, there's some, right?

But, like, a little bit.

I don't need a lot as a turtle, but some of the Tellurians, they crank through this stuff.

How do you all do it, man?

Well, it's, I mean, it's generally like it goes in the mouth and then, you know, normally at the P-hole.

All right.

You don't have to be.

You're choosing to be the snarky one now, and I'm not loving it, honestly.

No,

I was being serious.

Oh.

Alright.

Listen, Spurt.

Papa, can I have a side with you real quick?

Sure.

Yeah, Spurts, just give me one second.

That's fine.

Papa, don't embarrass me.

What?

I just want the Big Turtle to like me, and it's just...

It's just pretty cool.

I don't think it's the Big Turtle.

I think it's Big Turtle.

Either one's chill!

Okay.

Either one's chill, Papa.

AJ, listen, I'm not trying to cramp your style.

I'm just trying to figure out how this planet works.

Okay?

Just, like, go with it.

Just go with it.

Okay.

Just don't embarrass me.

I'm not.

Disperch, listen.

I'm sorry I said the thing about the pee hole.

No, no, no, it's chill.

It'd be funnier if I wasn't dehydrated.

But, Disperch, this seems like a...

Is it is this like a waterless planet?

Now, yes.

For a long time we had the pipe.

And the pipe chunked in like tons of that good stuff.

We watered

the crops and stuff and we

had cropped your food as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We don't know who planted them, but we would eat them and then they would sort of grow back.

But all the that like came from the pipe.

And then the pipe just stopped.

We didn't do anything about it for a while because we figured whoever made the pipe go would turn it back on at some point, but it hadn't materialized.

I mean, have you followed the pipe to where the source is?

Black, you seem like a nice guy.

Look at me.

I'm

a giant turtle.

Do you think I could fit in the pipe?

No, I just mean like

I can't go in the pipe.

Look at me.

That's flattering, honestly.

She's a giant turtle.

Why are you telling me she'd go in the pipe?

Listen.

Big turtle, I'm not suggesting that you go into the pipe.

Obviously, a giant turtle in the sewer is a terrible idea.

Doesn't make any sense.

They don't.

You can't can't go.

It's subterra.

It goes into a mountain.

Oh, damn.

Alright, yes.

Alright, now I see where our confusion is mixed.

The big pipe comes out of a mountain.

Okay.

And we have sent many, many, many Tellurians and all manner of other folks into the pipe.

I'll do it.

They don't return.

I'll go in.

They don't go into the pipe.

I'll go in right now.

Hey, brother, I wouldn't, honestly, though.

But I feel like I could do it, probably, right?

Alright, win some, lose some, man.

Follow your path.

No, AJ, don't.

Oh, I love it.

Yeah, I see what you're doing.

I'm crazy about it for sure.

Yeah, love it.

Space.

Yes!

Okay, just out of curiosity,

Pleck, see how much longer do you think we're gonna be?

Because I'd love to just wrap this all up.

Ooh, and get a wrap.

I'd love to get a wrap.

Or 12.

Oh, I'm so hungry.

Alright, well, we'll do what we can.

Hello.

Welcome.

Hello.

We are masters.

Zima masters.

Masters of the space.

Masters of Zima space.

Oh, are you guys in charge here?

Well, it's kind of you to suggest.

We are scholars of the ancient Zima religion.

Yeah.

And you're all wearing forge shorts?

Yeah?

That's correct.

I guess in a way we are sort of in charge.

Indeed, from a certain point of view, that's not.

Do we tell people what to do here?

No, we do not.

No, we do not.

Yeah.

That's fine.

Sperch, it seems that you've brought a new chosen one to us.

They don't have any food.

Our water.

Oh, alright.

That's what we were hoping.

I know.

What?

It came on a big ship.

It seemed like

a big ship would have food on it.

Listen.

I am Master Kiarando.

Yeah.

This is Master Pell, and this is Master Little Boy.

I'm I'm Little Boy.

Okay.

What is your name?

Uh I'm Pleck, Plectexeter.

Chosen Pleck Dexetor.

I thank you.

I'm here.

I made it.

I'm chosen to face the Emperor.

Yes, yes, yes.

We are all chosen ones as well.

Yes, of course you've met Spurch.

He's the chosen one of operating the spaceport.

I'm damn good at it, too.

Indeed, I am chosen to set up speaker systems in people's ships and homes.

You install you install stereos?

I bring the gift of sound and the majesty of music into people's ships.

But you install stereos.

That's correct.

You don't need to demean it.

Have you read the scrolls?

I've read some of them.

I'm having a little trouble interpreting.

Celebrate.

We will.

For life is short, but sweet.

For certain.

That is the prophecy of I Kierondo.

What does that mean?

Well, you sort of you interpret it And so celebrate, you know, you can't have a good party without some quality jams, a stereo setup.

Are you gonna party in mono?

Oh, man.

I mean, get real.

Oh, okay.

Okay, I just sorry, I just want to clarify this.

And I am Zema Masterpel, with my fists of fire.

Well, no.

Wow.

My destiny is to write three-fourths of a novel and then abandon it.

Spiral into a depression.

Okay.

And then start the cycle again.

Ha ha ha.

Yeah, for sure.

And I'm Master Little Boy, and I'm actually a girl.

Okay, everyone got that strength?

Sure.

Yeah, sure.

I can levitate three inches.

Wow.

Oh, do you see?

Oh, I love it.

Master Little Boy is not tethered to the ground like you or I.

See, could I borrow the two of you for you know the briefest of seconds?

Yeah, I gotta tell you.

are your people.

Yeah, I gotta say, Dari, being here,

I really thought I was gonna be, you know, enlightened.

I mean, I feel like we're really learning something here.

It really kind of all makes sense.

I mean, Durf is sort of all over the place.

Durf is a pretty prototypical Zeba.

Yeah, I mean, he really would fit right in here.

This place is awesome, isn't it, guys?

I mean, it's awesome.

Yeah, I guess so.

I guess so.

What about it?

Do you like sound?

You know, I don't know what that means.

I thought it was going to be lame because it's so round, but like, it won't be.

AJ, most planets are round.

Do you guys not see the space everywhere right now?

I mean, I do, but there's so much space.

There's no.

Look where that water should be.

There's space there.

Uh, yeah, I think it would be more helpful if there were water in there, just eat just dry crickets popping.

So you could grind those crickets into a primitive flower if you'd care to.

That sounds like a lot of work.

Yeah, no, it would be a lot of work.

I don't want to interrupt their journey, also.

I mean, they got their own thing they're doing.

They do.

I don't want to.

This is sort of our aside.

We're sort of, I don't know.

I know you're sort of nearby.

I get it.

Incredible turtle hearing.

I'm turtle famously.

Excellent hearing.

And one thing about Zema Prime is like a side, when we're in a sides, we're kind of all in them.

Yeah, this aside went from a three-person to side.

There's like 14.

There are no sides here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Please do not throw that hacky sack at me.

You're in the game, and all the time.

There's always a game going on.

Yeah, we actually sort of huddled up to talk to each other, not.

Oh, okay.

Well,

coming away.

Alright.

Don't you understand the space between us all right now?

Yeah.

And a hacky sack.

And a hacky sack.

Master Rondo, I really feel the space flowing through me.

Come on, you gotta tell me.

Is there a prophecy about me?

Come on.

Uh, what is your name, young noob?

My name is AJ286.

AJ2868, there is much written of you, young one.

Uh, well, starting with

it's actually AJ2884.

Hmm.

No, I don't think I've uh don't think we've got anything.

Typo!

Damn!

Typos and the scrolls.

AJ, what just happened to your voice just then?

Did you just inhale a hacky sound?

No, I think you're right, Dar.

I think you inhaled a hacky sound.

Something wrong with this.

That's rough.

Welcome to the Zima Potluck.

Design Zima Master Kiarondo.

Hello again.

Great to meet you.

Oh.

I was about to ask if you had brought anything to the potluck.

We actually just visited I didn't realize that was there was a potluck situation.

Sure.

You were not prepared.

Not a casserole, not even

protein bars in your pocket.

Oh no.

And you will understand the space where there should be food, but there is none.

Uh, yeah, okay, I guess there is food here.

There's space.

Well yeah, there's space.

Some of us are getting really good at eating the space.

Kind of just pretending different flavors we can taste.

And

there's got some people gotten snooty about it, honestly.

Like, oh, this space, I can really taste some notes of, you know, whatever.

No, no, no.

The space has its own particular flavor.

It takes the training of a Zima master to truly discern the notes from one type of space from another.

Can we do a

hacky circle with you guys over here?

Sure, sure, sure.

Yeah.

I love Master Kirano.

He's a great guy.

He's still really clinging, man.

We got some people who are really just sort of

real deep.

Like, this is all part of it.

You know what I mean?

Like, oh, yeah, it's part of the prophecy that the big pipe shuts down and there's no water and we try to drink each other's tears.

Like, it's all part of the thing.

I love the sick-to-hativeness.

It's really, honestly, very fresh.

It's kind of exhausting, though.

I feel like we gotta try to figure out how to fix this food and water situation.

While you, of course, maintain an excellent spaceport far better than some that we've been to,

couldn't you also help get water or grow food in addition to the spaceport thing?

Like in my free time?

Yeah.

Don't I deserve to relax?

Absolutely.

But wouldn't you find your time more relaxing if you had a nice tall glass of lemonade to drink?

Oh, Oh, now you're talking my language.

All right, yes, absolutely.

You know, we only get ships here every four or five months.

It sounds like you've got some downtime.

It does, yeah.

In retrospect, I feel like I've spent a lot of time just sort of staring into space, not

metaphorical, mystical, just

real space, you know.

And I feel like I've wasted a lot of time on that.

I hope everybody likes lasagna because I just ordered 42 sheets of it on Chow now.

What?

What do you do?

Chow now?

What is this word you speak of, Duh?

It's actually a hyphenate, and it is a service in which you are hungry and trapped on a planet full of dum-dums

who don't know how to make food.

It's not that hard.

You know what else isn't that hard?

Building a shelter.

But can you command the space like this?

Look at us.

Command this.

Hey, y'all, shut the hell up.

No, listen, if you know how to do all that, do you want to be like president?

I don't know.

We have no president.

No, do you have a president or what?

No.

Tony,

you just said you know how to find food or build shelter.

You're basically the most qualified being on this planet right now.

Spirit, what about the what about the space?

What about studying?

Look, I can levitate one inch up.

Look at little boy levitating.

Woo!

Look at Sperch, watch me pass my hand underneath little boy.

There's no strings or anything.

Yeah, oh no, I love it.

You know what else I love?

Lemonade.

Love it.

All that stuff.

But look at my fire fists.

My fire fists, the famous fire fists of the space.

Your magic tricks aren't going to help anybody.

Dar, I sense great anger within.

President Dar.

It is President Darr.

I don't want to stand on ceremony.

I don't remember there being an election process.

This seems premature.

Pleck, Plex, yes.

I need you over here.

Okay.

I need you to know

that you are 8,000 times the Zima any of these phonies are, okay?

Okay.

Wow, yeah, thank you.

Thank you, Darr.

This is an automated message from Ciao Now.

Your delivery person is lost because of inaccurate planetary coordinate.

Your new delivery time is outside parameters.

Enjoy chowing now, but not yet.

I'm going to eat somebody.

I will work.

I'm working on it.

You have to leave this disaster planet.

I know.

I'm sorry.

I'm as frustrated by it as you are.

Of course you are.

Okay.

These people are failures.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, no, you're right, Dar.

Okay.

All right, everybody.

Listen, I have something to say.

I've been thinking about this a lot, and personally, I believe.

Ballpark, how long will this speech be?

Can you sum it up quickly?

I have a catering shift starting in just moments.

Fine, I'll try.

Where we deliver abundant food to others.

Yes, I know.

Yeah, what happened?

Why can't you just...

Oh, you can't take the food from the catering gig.

Yeah, I got you.

Well, you can after the catering gig is over.

Just frown on it.

Also, a lot of it doesn't keep, you know, when you're coming back from another planet.

It's you know, it's like canopies.

It's like, what are you gonna do?

Yeah, that's

a mushroom,

picking a blanket, pass.

You know, I feel like you could be working towards something, a greater goal.

You could help each other out a little bit.

But that's not what we're chosen for, Pleck.

What's your destiny again?

My destiny is to take down the Emperor of the galaxy.

I remember that now.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

I'm assuming go take up three inches.

Look at that.

Look at that.

Okay, all right.

Go put your hand under it.

Do it, it's no.

I don't

I believe you.

I believe you.

Do you hear that noise?

Low frequency rumble?

What is that?

Sounds a bit unusual, I must admit.

I've never heard something like that.

totally tubular.

Yeah, I love it.

AJ, the water, the pipe.

Oh, man.

AJ, what happened?

Well, you know, I went up the pipe.

What do you mean you went up the pipe?

I just got in the pipe and started walking.

And then what?

When I got up to the final part, it was just

all these skeletons.

And there was this sort of

skeletons?

Yeah, all the people came up.

That's weird.

And I kind of realized there was sort of something jammed in there, and I was like...

That's this?

Yeah, yeah my suit my power suit yeah this is a dead shell uh big this is a big turtle and I rode it all the way down it was totally great uh sorry Spritch

probably maybe some bigger species oh a turtle in the sewer yeah cowbunga cowbunga indeed

but anyway he just

don't

forget him

shouldn't have been there in the first place

Papa you know at first I was actually a little sad I did get a prophecy.

I don't know if you could tell, but I thought it was a typo.

And I wept a little bit.

But then I thought, you know, maybe doing the right thing is more important than whether or not some Zimas think it's threatening, you know?

Yeah.

So, you know, I just went up and did it.

That's great, AJ.

Wait, guys, AJ's right.

It doesn't matter what we're chosen to do.

Sometimes making the galaxy a better place is about taking matters into your own hands.

Oh, so I'm supposed to do something with my medical degree.

You have a medical degree?

And I'm supposed to use my civil engineering degree.

Oh, and I'm supposed to use my degree in sustainable agriculture.

You all have degrees?

And I'm supposed to use my aeronautics degree to make my three inches into a thousand inches.

You...

Wait, you can...

You can levitate more than three inches?

Yes, but three is chill as hell.

I mean, it is chill.

Oh, sorry to interrupt.

I have 42 sheets of lasagna for dare.

I'm dare.

Why, it's a miracle of the space to save us all.

This is at last.

This is all for me.

All of it?

Yes.

I see how it is.

Sperch,

thank you.

Thank you for showing us around Seema Prime.

And, you know, I know that it wasn't exactly exactly what I thought when I showed up, but I'm really glad that I met all of my fellow Zimas here.

Yeah, man.

I guess, you know, the thanks is all sort of over on

this side of the table, man.

Y'all got us water.

It's amazing.

Well, AJ's, you know, he's a go-getter.

Say what you want.

He knows how to...

There's so many skeletons in that pipe.

How many were there?

Too many.

Okay.

Chunks.

You know, man, we're going to stop waiting for

destiny.

I think we're going to stop waiting.

Start

living.

You know, just like living.

Yeah, man.

The only problem is really, I mean, the water, so fresh of you.

Love it.

Fresh water.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

I haven't heard a water joke, and I can't tell you how long.

It kind of got in poor taste after that.

Sure.

Anyway.

Yeah, no, but

we're kind of at a loss.

What we need is like

a real type A, you know, like somebody who's gonna organize, call the shots, tell people what to do, where to go.

We got a whole room of, we call them the inedible scrolls.

Are there the scrolls you eat?

What the music you try to eat?

The musty ones, but they are a wreck.

And somebody sorting those out could probably dig out something.

Something good.

We need someone to organize, you know, honestly.

That's what we're

real good at.

Interesting.

Yeah, this is resonating.

Hey guys, did I miss anything?

I'm...

I didn't die.

Hey, Nermit!

I spiritually may have a proposal for you.

Huh?

Oh, hello, oldest Derf here from, you know, the beyond, where I live.

I'm so very sorry I missed our last book club meeting.

Those gossip-mongery wedding guests really ripped the old Derfman apart this time.

Mednat before I jucked around a little bit, if you know what I mean, and you do.

Anyway, as I labor to reconstitute myself into the physical form, Tricky, I have been dutifully reading this month's title.

The Stars Now Unclaimed by Drew Williams from the amazing sci-fi fantasy publisher Tor Books.

It's a fun, fast-paced story on the lighter side of sci-fi featuring a climactic 136-page space battle in a distant galaxy.

Whew!

That's my kind of page numbers.

The Stars Now Unclaimed is the first in the Universe After trilogy, following hero Jane Kamale as she recruits children with miraculous gifts in hope they might prevent the pulse from sending countless worlds back to the dark ages.

Oof.

Let me say, what a relief to take a break from the serious business of fresh versus whack.

Ugh, exhausting.

And escape into this fantastical galaxy.

And if any of you book club members haven't ordered the book yet, well, you're in luck.

Just visit tourbooks.com slash zix1 to see many ordering options.

And yes, I'm sorry, I know I said I would bring the wine this week, but oops, I'm dead.

So sorry.

The selection here is highly limited.

Let some lemon lime soda go flat and call it a Vino Verde.

No one will know.

And also at that info web address, you'll find links to the next book in the Universe After trilogy, A Chain Across the Dawn.

Plus, another great sci-fi book hand-picked for you.

Starship Repo by Patrick S.

Thomas and following first name, last name, yes, that is the name.

Who joins a crew recovering old ships.

They're definitely not pirates.

I can tell you that.

All of these amazing books can be yours at tourbooks.com/slash 61.

And I have disappeared.

Hey, Dar.

Yeah.

Hey, I just wanted to thank you for standing up for me back there on...

Seema prime.

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember what I'm trying to do.

You know, I just want you to know that

I support you.

And also, if I don't eat every 24 minutes, I am going to go insane.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Hey, sorry to interrupt, but it's finished time for the premiere.

What's wait, your documentary is finished already?

It's ready.

It's up for the public, ready to see.

You want to see it?

Uh, sure.

I'm sorry, there's no red carpet event.

Okay, I couldn't get people a lot of logistical things, but here it is.

Here it is.

Hey, that's why you pay them basically nothing.

They're very good at what they do.

But cherry giant.

Hero in disguise.

In disguise or in disguise?

Fast, but I wouldn't say good at what they do.

She had a tail for, but now she's big caught up because she's an hero who saves children.

Kids, you are great.

I love you all.

Yay, kids.

I love you too, Bargie.

We love you, Bargie.

Bargie, who are these kids?

Just kids I've saved.

Why don't you pay attention?

They kind of all sound like you, Bargie.

She kisses people on the mouth and they become stronger because of it.

Smoke.

Smoke.

I gotta say, this room tone is amazing.

It is good room tone.

Bargain for a lot of both clicks here.

She's ready to get back into the business.

Don't take our word for it.

Take the word from this director in Hollywood.

I've worked with the best.

I've worked with the worst.

I've worked with the middle.

Virgerian Jade.

Thank you.

That director didn't even mention the Vargerian Jade.

I'm sold.

I think this is it.

I think you're ready to go back.

I love the voiceover.

Oh, and don't forget the blooper reel.

A blooper reel?

I mean,

that part was funny.

But Bargie, how is this going to help you?

I think the question is: how is this not going to help me?

Yep, I think you're right.

I think that's a fair question.

Puppetex and I have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bungaloy.

Hey, Nermit!

Hey, guys.

How is Zima Prime?

How is Zeeba Prime?

How is being alive?

I mean, am I right?

Yeah.

Every day now is a new life.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I'm gonna I'm gonna organize all the scrolls here.

I put up a I put up a chore wheel here on this tree so no one

put my name on it to kind of seed it and um I don't see any other names on it yet.

No, no one's signed up yet.

So I'm kinda I've penciled in my name on all of them and I'll spin it and see oh yep, it's me on recycling.

Okay.

Well that's clear you gotta do that.

Yeah, recycle.

Okay.

Damn it.

Oh, Master Kiarando, greetings.

Welcome to Zima Prime.

I see you're settling in.

Yes.

Yeah.

I came by to ask if you'd care to learn the ancient Zima art of the devil sticks.

Ooh, that sounds amazing.

What is that?

See, we'll watch this third stick move.

Yeah, I think I've yeah,

and then you can oh, back the other way.

Yeah, I've seen it.

Uh sure, uh-huh.

Yes.

A little toss there.

Okay.

Yeah.

I've seen those at a lot of street fairs and things.

Would you like to learn?

Good luck, Nermit.

We'll talk to you later.

Wow.

Bargie, thank you for rescuing Nermit.

That was really heroic.

did you get that?

I don't think they're recording anymore.

I don't know if they're here over there.

Oh, really?

Oh.

Well,

crap.

This is Sea Red IT5, Credits and Attributions Joyed, commencing outro protocol.

Papaplec Deck Setter was played by Alden Ford.

C-53 and Master Kiarondo were played by Jeremy Benn.

Dar was played by Ali Kokesh.

Bargie the Ship and Master Little Boy were played by Mujan Zolfagari.

Master Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy and Master Turnak were played by Seth Lind.

AJ and Master Pell were played by Winston Noll.

Old Durf was played by Justin Tyler and appeared courtesy of The Space.

Spurge, aka Big Turtle, was played by special guest Justin McElroy.

Justin is the co-host of podcasts like My Brother, My Brother, and Me, the basis for a recent TV adaptation by NBC Universal, Sawbones, and The Adventure Zone, both of which have been adapted into New York Times' best-selling books.

His voice acting has appeared in OKKO, Slug Ride, and the upcoming Trolls World Tour.

He's currently working with his family on graphic novel adaptations of The Adventure Zone and a mini-series for Marvel called Journey into Mystery.

This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent and Alden Ford with sound design and mixed by Shane O'Connell.

Recorded at Robert Doggy Jr.'s Puppy Palace in Brooklyn, New York.

Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by Fame's Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Ship designed for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Boyce.

Audio hosting by Simplecast.

Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the match game.

Our contestants Anike and James from the hit podcast Minority Corner.

I'll ask you questions in a rapid-fire round.

Favorite character on a Shonda Rhymes show: Olivia Pope.

Ooh, I said Olivia Pope's wing.

Oh, so close.

How do you feel about Disney?

They need to pay reparations to black people because Mickey Mouse was based off of blackface.

I said, get rid of the racist rides, jungle crews, splash mountains.

Who are you voting for in the primary?

It's too damn early.

I'm just getting to know these fools.

No dice.

What celebrity do you side-eye the most?

Kevin Hart, can we get a real apology for your homophobia?

Just intimidate Nipple.

Favorite superhero movie?

Black Panther.

We're covering forever.

Congratulations, but you still live.

Now I'm side-eye.

Catch Anneke and James, the Wonder Twins of Podcast, on Minority Corner every Friday at Maximum Fun.

Going into a bullseye interview, I know that it's somebody who does amazing work, but it's also a real conversation, so I don't know where it's headed.

I think you just clarified something for me that's never been really clear before.

This is the most serious I've ever been in my life.

You've made me completely serious.

I feel like I'm in Farapan.

Bullseye, creators you know, creators you need to know.

Find it at maximumfund.org or wherever you get podcasts.

Maximumfund.org.

Comedy and culture.

Artist-owned, audience-supported.

Pleck, C, could I just

borrow the two of you for, you know, the briefest of seconds?

I I gotta say, absolutely.

These cats side channel a lot, right?

That's true.

Indeed, they do, Sperch.

It's very suspicious.

But that's their journey, so we must respect it.

Kind of thought we'd follow them, but it turns out they were leaving our thing.

Yeah,

it's with us.

We must meditate on this.