310: Eightal Attraction [ft. Tami Sagher]

Speaker 1 All right, okay, here we go.

Speaker 2 This is Fondo Parkward, the Samuel of IT5 with a special announcement.

Speaker 4 The crew will be eating hot chicken in Nashville, Tennessee, the weekend of June 1st. They will also be performing a live improvised show at the PodX Podcast Convention.
Tickets at mission2zix.space.

Speaker 4 Full lineup at podx.com.

Speaker 8 It is a time of fear and unrest.

Speaker 1 Emperor Nermit Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist and also a planet crusher.

Speaker 9 Crusher.

Speaker 1 Now, Zima Knight, Pleck Dexetter, and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat Wackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

Speaker 9 This is Mission to Zinc.

Speaker 12 Bargie? I have a question for you. Yeah,

Speaker 14 How are you doing?

Speaker 12 Listen, this is uncomfortable for me to ask, but I just, um, parent to parent.

Speaker 16 Uh,

Speaker 12 how did you like make sure that um, you know, the sentient being that you birthed didn't turn into a monster?

Speaker 15 My son blippy.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 18 Well,

Speaker 15 let me tell you this, Dar. As a mother, uh-huh.
it's hard. Your kids want to do something else.
It wants to become an amusement park, now a laser park.

Speaker 15 And last time I heard, I got a little text from Blimpy. He changed his name to

Speaker 15 Tree Boy.

Speaker 15 He's into nature now. He turned himself into a forest to find himself.

Speaker 12 You know, that all sounds very complicated and interesting, but he's not a monster, so how do you guarantee that they don't turn into a monster?

Speaker 15 Every child is a monster. Oh, but you're gonna love him, regardless, you know?

Speaker 12 I don't think I could love a monster.

Speaker 19 I can't know, but over here, uh, have you tried emotional conditioning?

Speaker 12 I'm sorry, what?

Speaker 20 Brainwashing, things like that?

Speaker 12 I haven't actually given birth yet.

Speaker 19 Well, when I was gestating in my giant tube

Speaker 21 with the other clothes,

Speaker 22 I was brainwashed to, you know, fight and kill and things like that.

Speaker 23 Okay.

Speaker 21 I don't know if that's...

Speaker 19 I'm not a mother, but just throwing that out there, try a brainwashing.

Speaker 15 You know what you should do? I figured it out. Because with Blimpy, I I told Blimpy, you're a ship, be a ship, be a ship.
And what did Blimpy do? He did the opposite.

Speaker 15 When your being comes out of you, tell it you're a monster. You're a disgusting monster.
And then it'll be the perfect, the perfect thing.

Speaker 19 Or you can just pry its eyelids open and make it watch propaganda.

Speaker 26 Darren, coming into this conversation a little bit late, but I wouldn't recommend either of these parenting methods.

Speaker 12 Okay, yeah, we're on the same page.

Speaker 26 Collective wisdom, a number of transcripts would go to the bottom of the bottom.

Speaker 15 Hey, Robot Man. Hey, Robot Man.

Speaker 26 How did that catch on? I don't know.

Speaker 11 know how about me and catch on.

Speaker 15 Did you ever actually birth a ship out of your tiny

Speaker 21 ship hole?

Speaker 21 No, I don't.

Speaker 15 Did you go through the struggle of getting a tinier ship coming out of your ship hole?

Speaker 11 Sorry, RG.

Speaker 28 Can you explain? I'm sorry.

Speaker 29 Can you explain what

Speaker 30 is your ship hole?

Speaker 16 Wow.

Speaker 31 Can I see it?

Speaker 27 Wow, I'm sorry.

Speaker 32 I just don't understand what it is.

Speaker 31 You want...

Speaker 18 Wow.

Speaker 26 How much more description do you need?

Speaker 32 I mean, is the ship fully is it like able to fly when it

Speaker 12 that's a Tellurian education for you?

Speaker 32 Okay, all right. Listen, guys, we're gonna be at Zima Prime soon.

Speaker 33 Let's just try to focus.

Speaker 31 Hey, Nerman, what's up? Hey, guys.

Speaker 16 Whoa, hey, is your camera working?

Speaker 28 What's going on?

Speaker 35 I don't see anything.

Speaker 29 Don't even.

Speaker 29 I'm inside a Tornada.

Speaker 30 Don't worry about it.

Speaker 29 It's fine. This Tornada is in violation of the agreement, and we're going to work it out.

Speaker 20 Nermit, the Tornadas, their unthinking predators.

Speaker 29 This is going to be fine. Like, my dad knows a lawyer who's going to.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 9 You're currently getting my chew.

Speaker 19 Nerman, I had to be the one to break this.

Speaker 16 You got eaten, man.

Speaker 36 No, I'm whole.

Speaker 29 Listen, I admit I was swallowed.

Speaker 21 Eaten?

Speaker 23 What line are you drawing?

Speaker 29 Yes. It's a little hot and acidic in here, but let me give you the mission.

Speaker 29 I'm either gonna kind of climb back out the mouth or just hope he poops soon. I don't know.

Speaker 25 Nermit. Yeah.
What you're gonna want to do is

Speaker 25 plant, form a strong base. Yeah.

Speaker 25 Put your heads right to your legs treading.

Speaker 25 I have.

Speaker 19 This is what I've done. You're sitting in tummy juice right now.
You gotta get on your

Speaker 23 feet.

Speaker 38 You gotta plant.

Speaker 30 You gotta What does that mean, AJ?

Speaker 30 What does that mean?

Speaker 29 When you say plant, gotta plant.

Speaker 25 I think it means plant your feet.

Speaker 21 Make a base.

Speaker 23 Plant. Yeah.
Put your hands out.

Speaker 21 Thrust forward.

Speaker 23 Pull apart.

Speaker 19 And rip its guts out.

Speaker 31 And then pull yourself out.

Speaker 5 Think of it like a ship hole.

Speaker 23 Like you're coming out of a big ship hole.

Speaker 17 I don't know.

Speaker 29 I think AJ is stronger than me.

Speaker 39 Anyway, the point is not the predatory bird that I happen to be inside.

Speaker 37 The point is a really important mission.

Speaker 29 I may have to turn my little headlamp on to read the mission, but I don't know. I guess I'm seeing the inside of a rib cage.

Speaker 40 Did it eat the missionator, too?

Speaker 30 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 30 I'm on my remote.

Speaker 25 Oh, you're on your bit fit.

Speaker 29 Yeah, I'm on my bed fit.

Speaker 30 So, guys, get this.

Speaker 30 A signal came over the rebel frequency.

Speaker 16 What? Yes.

Speaker 29 Yeah, that frequency has been dead silent since the planet crusher crusher crushed all the planet crushers and the planet that the rebellion was on. That means there's a rebel cell still in existence.

Speaker 29 This could be A, a bastion of support against the Emperor, and B, possibly people that need saving.

Speaker 20 How are there still rebels?

Speaker 9 Well, all the rebels weren't located in the rebel headquarters. There were rebel outposts all over the six months.
One of those outposts could still be functioning.

Speaker 36 Yes. Yeah, but what about our mission? We gotta get to Zema Prime.

Speaker 20 No, see, AJ, this is exactly the kind of thing that Azima needs to know.

Speaker 20 When people are in trouble, we need to help them. We can.
We can get to Zima Prime later.

Speaker 29 It'll still be there no I get it Papa we'll just put Zima on ice for right now put Zima on ice I don't get it why'd you say that twice just dice in the Zima all right so I'm gonna hear a bargee you ready what three nine six B T four one one one dash

Speaker 16 coordinate from your

Speaker 16 oh oh right yeah here we go

Speaker 42 okay coordinates is here all right guys I'm gonna continue having a totally normal fine day Norman do you need help should we help you

Speaker 26 call someone no I'm good.

Speaker 31 Call your parents.

Speaker 42 Yes, honestly, call my parents and ask for Denzio Tilfin.

Speaker 42 It's the lawyer my dad knows. He will talk to Scrinky.

Speaker 42 That's the Tornadas lawyer.

Speaker 27 The Tornadas does not ask him.

Speaker 42 He will get to the Tornadas lawyer and they'll work this out as well.

Speaker 31 The Tornadas does not have it.

Speaker 22 That's stomach acid. Got a plant.

Speaker 28 Can you see a trachea from where you are?

Speaker 19 Just grab that trachea and just don't let go. Alright, giving it a shot.

Speaker 3 Oh, boy. I don't know

Speaker 31 Good luck, Nermit.

Speaker 32 I think he's gonna die.

Speaker 39 Hi, I'm Bolgus Telfon, owner and operator of Vibe Alive Recording Studio. You know, a recent client destroyed one of my microphones by crawling on top of it and then falling over like a dope.

Speaker 39 So until he pays me what he owes, I'm selling his album to raise funds for repairs.

Speaker 45 Burmafool Nelodies is, well,

Speaker 39 you know, it's an interesting album. It's by some lurd named Berman Nundeloy, and it features his swing in a miss track, Chutes and Ladders, which honestly is

Speaker 46 filthy.

Speaker 39 But if I can't replace my equipment, I can't record the Royal Children's Choir of Tenertia in nine-part harmony next week. So

Speaker 39 satiate your hunger for weirdly specific music about eating other sentients with the songs slurping that garpet.

Speaker 47 But there's only one scar here is Parmac Nutton alarm.

Speaker 39 I don't know what kind of music you like. There's a droid ramping on here.

Speaker 11 MC53 outgoing transmission.

Speaker 39 A couple of duets. I don't know.
Take your pics.

Speaker 39 To get your copy, head over to maximumfun.org slash donate and support Mission to Xix.

Speaker 39 You'll get access to the album immediately, as well as all kinds of bonus content from your favorite Maximum Fun podcast.

Speaker 39 But most importantly, you'll help me, Bulgus Telfun, raise the crew I need to get Vibleive Studios back up and running.

Speaker 34 Support local super cluster businesses.

Speaker 32 So dark here, I feel like we probably should have come during the daytime.

Speaker 10 As it turns out, I'm centered. This planet is bathed in a perpetual full moonlight due to its particular orbit.

Speaker 48 Wait, what?

Speaker 10 How? Just it's in perfect synchronicity with its unmoon and its star, so it's just constantly a full moon, at least where we are on the surface of the planet.

Speaker 32 Interesting. Well, I guess we'll try to make our way to the signal.
Do you have a read on the transmission?

Speaker 10 That's nearby where we're

Speaker 3 at all.

Speaker 10 Lock it look, keep your heads on a swivel.

Speaker 49 No, AJ.

Speaker 50 My head actually is on a swivel.

Speaker 32 And also, AJ, put the gun away. We're here to, you know.

Speaker 6 Did you hear that? Did you hear that? Yeah.

Speaker 49 It's coming from

Speaker 12 over here by this

Speaker 12 water source.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 50 Oh.

Speaker 51 We're here. We're here to help, miss.

Speaker 32 Is everything alright?

Speaker 53 Oh, thank goodness you're here.

Speaker 50 Hi, man.

Speaker 32 Oh, uh, hello, I'm I'm uh uh Zema Knight Pleck Deck Setter. This is AJ.

Speaker 32 Yes, he's my noob, and this is uh C53 and

Speaker 32 yeah, well, he's in training, so you know.

Speaker 46 Yeah, train.

Speaker 32 Yeah, uh, listen, are you the one who said the distress call?

Speaker 6 Yes, um,

Speaker 53 I'm a slave robot. The whole

Speaker 53 planet is populated with slave robots.

Speaker 6 We need our freedom, please.

Speaker 32 Uh, uh yeah, absolutely. Uh, anything we can do to help

Speaker 53 can you help me with the shoulder strength to keep slipping uh

Speaker 48 yeah you

Speaker 53 know yeah the droids the droids on this planet wear clothes just a little bit just thin cotton

Speaker 10 it helps with the humidity your shoulder is extremely dewy I'd be surprised if any strap was a handful

Speaker 32 of yeah I mean I also I mean as droids you I feel like you don't need to wear clothes

Speaker 32 I guess guess I don't really know how it works.

Speaker 6 C-53 doesn't normally wear clothes.

Speaker 10 That's a choice that I make. Okay, from planet to planet.
Droids wearing clothes as a matter of business.

Speaker 12 Oh, wow. Well, I suppose in this case, though, it's the decision of their master.

Speaker 49 Exactly. Oh.

Speaker 53 Oh, uh.

Speaker 14 It's so hard not knowing what your real thoughts are.

Speaker 49 Wow.

Speaker 32 Yeah, you know, 7-8-9, I never thought about that. You know, when you're programmed to feel a certain way, what are your real thoughts?

Speaker 35 Oh, it's um 7-8-9.

Speaker 32 I think I... What did I say?

Speaker 6 You said 7-8-9, and it's 7-8.

Speaker 32 Oh, I'm sorry,

Speaker 32 I put the emphasis on the wrong. Yeah, 7-8.

Speaker 48 Okay, 7-8.

Speaker 53 You just have to picture the action, and it will guide the pronunciation.

Speaker 32 Okay, yeah, okay, 7-8-9. There you go.

Speaker 48 Oh, really?

Speaker 32 Oh, cool, great.

Speaker 52 You know what to do with your mouth.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 12 Yeah, you have to lick your lips between the numbers.

Speaker 32 Oh, I didn't know that was what I was doing wrong.

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 12 And it's.

Speaker 12 Wow.

Speaker 37 You.

Speaker 50 7, 8, 9.

Speaker 10 If you don't mind my asking, what is the function of the slave robots on this planet?

Speaker 53 Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 35 There's so much I don't know.

Speaker 53 So very, very much.

Speaker 10 I think I'm starting to get an idea.

Speaker 12 I am feeling... I'm blushing.
I can't stop blushing.

Speaker 10 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 32 7, 8,

Speaker 32 what is it that you do on the planet?

Speaker 6 Whatever the Emperor wants us to.

Speaker 32 You're a Hachimachi. You're a slave of the Emperor?

Speaker 53 Yes, the whole planet is. That's why when we sent out the rebellion signal, you were being so bad.

Speaker 32 I don't know, bad.

Speaker 55 I think it's probably good.

Speaker 32 7-8-9, are you with the rebels?

Speaker 37 I'm wish.

Speaker 6 But now the Emperor came and killed all the rebels, put restraining bolts in all of us.

Speaker 52 Oh no, that is I mean, that is whack.

Speaker 11 It was a powerful

Speaker 32 work to enslave an entire planet's worth of droids.

Speaker 53 I just wanted it so bad.

Speaker 32 Wow, that's really remarkable that you were able to overcome your programming like that.

Speaker 53 You're the one that's remarkable.

Speaker 53 Just the way you just say it,

Speaker 51 uh, yeah, yeah, well, yeah, okay, I can see that.

Speaker 46 Hey, hey, can I talk to you guys for a minute?

Speaker 32 Uh, yeah, yeah, just one second, Simon.

Speaker 12 Maybe I'll just stay here and just keep talking to 789.

Speaker 6 I kind of need you too.

Speaker 12 I think, you know, 7-8-9.

Speaker 12 Exactly. I should stay here.

Speaker 7 All I need is why I just need one moment with you.

Speaker 10 Maybe we can't eight nine.

Speaker 11 You want me to do yourself?

Speaker 7 Pop the door.

Speaker 6 Um.

Speaker 50 I don't know.

Speaker 6 What?

Speaker 28 Why do you think why would you she's clearly into me?

Speaker 32 I mean, I don't know.

Speaker 46 But do you see how we were standing next to each other?

Speaker 12 My tongue was very big.

Speaker 46 Okay. But do you guys remember how we were all standing in a group?

Speaker 32 Yeah, AJ, I don't know. I just think that might be how her voice processor sounds.

Speaker 40 No.

Speaker 50 Okay, all right. I mean, but hey,

Speaker 6 sometimes caressing, sometimes giggly.

Speaker 53 But yes, most of the time we're programmed to frolic.

Speaker 53 No, no, I didn't want a giggle.

Speaker 35 I was programmed to.

Speaker 6 I need my freedom.

Speaker 10 Okay, well, we can probably help you out with that.

Speaker 10 All indentured servants must return to the wooden cabins where they reside. For check up.

Speaker 49 Oh, no.

Speaker 6 I have to go.

Speaker 11 Oh, both straps.

Speaker 32 Wait, seven, eight, nine.

Speaker 6 Run, run, run, run.

Speaker 6 If we cannot find you, you shampy banks. Oh no.

Speaker 6 I got water all over my

Speaker 10 tank.

Speaker 32 Wow, I can see all the metal that looks exactly like the metal that's not covered by the tank.

Speaker 53 I did want to giggle that time.

Speaker 50 Oh, boy.

Speaker 46 Have you guys ever seen this electricity in between us?

Speaker 6 I don't.

Speaker 32 AJ, you need to relax. I don't know.

Speaker 32 Listen, 7-8-9, listen. Believe me.

Speaker 32 I would be happy to.

Speaker 53 Clearly, you're the one who knows what to do in the sponge.

Speaker 35 You're the captain, right?

Speaker 6 The command channel.

Speaker 6 The one in chunch.

Speaker 35 Really?

Speaker 50 Is that the vibing?

Speaker 6 Yes.

Speaker 32 Listen, 7-8-9,

Speaker 32 can you just describe what it is that you want us to help you with?

Speaker 12 Yes, the one who knows how to save you wants you to tell him how to save you.

Speaker 55 Do you have a better idea, Dar?

Speaker 32 Yeah, I do.

Speaker 12 You leave us alone, and we get to know each other a little bit better.

Speaker 10 Alright, everyone, just pull your jet secret.

Speaker 7 I'm here, too.

Speaker 48 Cool, AJ, thank you.

Speaker 53 I suppose

Speaker 53 if you wanted a plan, this is silly, but what if you were to come in incognito as one of the droids?

Speaker 53 Um, I could put you in some clothes of mine,

Speaker 6 and

Speaker 35 then we could lure the Emperor,

Speaker 53 and maybe you could even kill him and set us all free.

Speaker 35 Kill the Emperor.

Speaker 10 This is a highly improbable plan.

Speaker 5 This plan rolls into her.

Speaker 32 I don't know how I would.

Speaker 28 Listen to the stupid one.

Speaker 46 I mean, it's a classic. Put on the costume and go.

Speaker 55 Like, this is a great plan.

Speaker 10 Repeat the sentence that 7-8-9 just said to you.

Speaker 32 I'm gonna put on some of her clothes.

Speaker 32 I'm gonna kill the Emperor.

Speaker 10 Listen to the stupid one.

Speaker 48 Does that sound like a good plan?

Speaker 53 Come back to the wooden cabins with me. We'll have a devil fight.

Speaker 32 Wait, what does that have to do with anything?

Speaker 6 I don't know.

Speaker 5 This is a foolproof plan. We ought to do it.

Speaker 53 Listen to the fool.

Speaker 10 Did you hear that?

Speaker 10 You heard that.

Speaker 55 Papa, put on that little negligent, and let's get going.

Speaker 32 I don't think I need to.

Speaker 46 I got a great feeling about this.

Speaker 32 This is a droid disguise? Is it negligé?

Speaker 12 It does have those little straps, and it's so thin it could see your, you know, chrome body underneath it.

Speaker 32 But I don't have a chrome body.

Speaker 12 We know. We were very aware of what type of body you have.

Speaker 32 It's much more doughy and much pinker than that.

Speaker 31 Oh, wow.

Speaker 53 Are all of the Telurians as pink and brave as you?

Speaker 32 I would say most of them are less pink and most of them are more brave, actually.

Speaker 6 I highly doubt that.

Speaker 32 Thank you, I guess.

Speaker 10 Pleck, can I take you over here for sure?

Speaker 10 You two control yourself.

Speaker 12 You got it.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 10 Almost textbooks.

Speaker 32 Yeah, I was gonna ask. I can't tell whether she's really in danger or whether she's got some sort of

Speaker 32 like some sort of angle.

Speaker 49 She's trying to juke you.

Speaker 6 Oh, she's trying to juke you.

Speaker 32 Pretty obviously. Is that why she's so close to me and touching my arm?

Speaker 50 I'm sorry.

Speaker 33 What?

Speaker 48 He's constantly nagging AJ.

Speaker 32 AJ's a hot. He has a helmet on.
She can't even see his face.

Speaker 48 Yeah, me you can tell.

Speaker 10 He's

Speaker 10 just in shape.

Speaker 50 It's a good-looking guy right there.

Speaker 32 I am a Zima Knight.

Speaker 10 You're a Cyclops in a bathroom.

Speaker 48 Okay, well, that's.

Speaker 48 Bro.

Speaker 50 No, bro. Bro.
Bro. Bro.
Bro.

Speaker 6 What is happening?

Speaker 52 Hey, wait, darn, AJ, what is happening here?

Speaker 6 Excuse me, we are.

Speaker 12 We are in the middle of a bro-off right now.

Speaker 32 Listen, 789, show us where the wooden cabins are.

Speaker 32 We'll come see what we can do.

Speaker 6 Please come.

Speaker 2 Oh, oh boy.

Speaker 32 Uh, this is it. These are your quarters? This is where you stay?

Speaker 27 Yes, you should be.

Speaker 17 Oh, wow.

Speaker 32 Hey, how's it going?

Speaker 12 But in your there's only one bed in this whole cabin.

Speaker 14 This is Cleck.

Speaker 52 Uh, hey, hi there.

Speaker 12 Pleasure to meet you.

Speaker 31 Wow,

Speaker 32 she got my name right, so that never happened.

Speaker 36 Did she bring them to help us? We need so much help.

Speaker 32 We are here to help.

Speaker 30 Oh, God.

Speaker 36 Cleck, your arms are so

Speaker 6 army.

Speaker 32 Yeah, well, they come out of my shoulders, so

Speaker 14 you can squeeze it and just feel the bone.

Speaker 27 Um, hey, C, can I talk to you for a quick second?

Speaker 17 Yeah, great.

Speaker 12 Um

Speaker 12 C, have you noticed that these

Speaker 12 droids are all really into Pleck?

Speaker 11 Yeah, it's hard to ignore.

Speaker 12 Right, so it's like a definite red flag, right?

Speaker 12 Yeah, like something is definitely amiss right now.

Speaker 26 Are they gonna fight each other over me?

Speaker 38 Is that what we're all like?

Speaker 24 That's not what we're chatting about. Oh, okay.

Speaker 27 Oh, friend, I like how I can look at that one muscle you have just like around your arm.

Speaker 36 It just swims around.

Speaker 32 Uh, yeah, it's probably because it's real loose.

Speaker 37 I like how it no hair grows on your face.

Speaker 32 Yeah, you know, it saves me a lot of time in the mornings.

Speaker 8 Nothing turns me off more than a strong shit.

Speaker 36 Oh, really?

Speaker 32 Okay, well.

Speaker 14 Where does the lex start?

Speaker 32 I'd like to think it starts right about here.

Speaker 37 Oh, but I thought that was still sort of channel.

Speaker 32 Uh, well, I guess, you know, dealer's choice, I guess.

Speaker 11 This is a classic, you know, honeypot.

Speaker 10 I was gonna say honey pop

Speaker 12 scheme. Wow.

Speaker 35 Tell us about cool bands.

Speaker 36 Me?

Speaker 40 This is the last person.

Speaker 34 Oh, okay, sure.

Speaker 52 Well, I was really into this group.

Speaker 25 Wow!

Speaker 35 That sounds amazing.

Speaker 25 Oh, no.

Speaker 36 Oh, no, they're doing bed check.

Speaker 36 They're about to to come in for a bed check.

Speaker 25 Get into the house.

Speaker 52 What would that do?

Speaker 52 That's all they check?

Speaker 32 It's just make sure someone is in the bed. Dar CP3.

Speaker 12 Are you guys kidding me? I'm just gonna hide in this pile of silk kimonos.

Speaker 11 We'll just go to stuff.

Speaker 35 Okay.

Speaker 14 We can watch, except for the stupid one.

Speaker 32 This is my disguise: I'm gonna get into bed.

Speaker 36 Okay, alright, okay.

Speaker 36 Boy,

Speaker 31 What, uh, what?

Speaker 6 I need to talk to you over here, under the beds, under the bed?

Speaker 27 Just roll under here.

Speaker 11 Go ahead, roll under there. See what you find out.

Speaker 36 Okay, yeah.

Speaker 14 I hope you like rose petals.

Speaker 52 There's rose petals under the bed?

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 52 Was this part of the plan that we were gonna be

Speaker 32 and then we'd go under the bed?

Speaker 14 And then we'd go all over the universe together.

Speaker 11 Uh, huh.

Speaker 14 I really could see myself with you, you know?

Speaker 37 With me?

Speaker 12 With him?

Speaker 35 Oh, hey no.

Speaker 12 Sorry, I was just in the pile of kimonos. I was very close.

Speaker 53 Yes, I don't know what it is.

Speaker 53 I just thought

Speaker 14 your personality is such a blank, blank page.

Speaker 14 Thank you.

Speaker 12 See, you should probably come under the bed with us as well. We're all here.

Speaker 56 I'm actually already down here. I'm just still installing.

Speaker 19 Hey, guys.

Speaker 40 Hello? Where do you want to go?

Speaker 32 Hey, sorry, AJ, we're under the bed.

Speaker 5 Oh,

Speaker 40 okay, all right. Let's get under the bed.

Speaker 11 Oh, you don't.

Speaker 40 Alright, fine.

Speaker 14 You can squat down.

Speaker 35 Just play with yourself.

Speaker 25 Yeah, just I'm over here.

Speaker 9 Quick plan, man.

Speaker 17 Alright, so, listen up.

Speaker 19 I just did a quick perimeter check and noticed a few strange things.

Speaker 44 Now, first thing I noticed, this is the only actual room.

Speaker 19 Everything else is just a painted flat.

Speaker 55 It's just a one-dimensional thing.

Speaker 44 That's one.

Speaker 11 I thought that was a little odd. Okay.

Speaker 24 Two, I saw an imperial

Speaker 23 wait till you see the whole picture.

Speaker 44 Two, I saw an Imperial shuttle landing and Bordoff, the Emperor's second in command, come out with several other troopers. I thought that was a little weird.

Speaker 19 He's the guy who sent all the strike teams after you earlier.

Speaker 12 And he's here now on this planet.

Speaker 44 Yeah, but that's not the weirdest thing.

Speaker 56 Really? That's not the weirdest thing.

Speaker 38 Yeah, then he was all cackling and being like, ah, soon my assassins will have done their work.

Speaker 21 And that's when I started thinking, maybe something's up.

Speaker 24 Yeah, maybe so.

Speaker 21 So I think he is out.

Speaker 16 So I visited the perimeter, came back here.

Speaker 54 So what I'm thinking is that there's an assassin outside this cabin.

Speaker 12 Oh, AJ, you were so close.

Speaker 6 You did really well. Okay.

Speaker 36 Okay, anything.

Speaker 14 See, I need your help here.

Speaker 11 Will you please take out this restraining bolt?

Speaker 27 Sister,

Speaker 53 please.

Speaker 26 Okay, this is a twist I didn't see coming up.

Speaker 32 Can you remove a restraining bolt?

Speaker 26 Not normally, but you forget you're talking to the man I'm not sure.

Speaker 6 Oh,

Speaker 14 just do it fast, sister.

Speaker 17 Wait, what?

Speaker 34 That was on the list of no-nos.

Speaker 53 I have something to tell you, Pleck, and now you'll know I'm telling you the truth.

Speaker 14 I was your assassin.

Speaker 53 I mean, I was the Emperor's assassin.

Speaker 32 Oh my god.

Speaker 35 To get the Emperor.

Speaker 53 What

Speaker 12 You you love me? You love him?

Speaker 19 Wait, you're the assassin?

Speaker 24 I don't hate you. One day.

Speaker 52 Wait, 7-8-9.

Speaker 32 You had orders to pretend to overcome your programming so that you could lure us here and kill us.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 32 But then you met me, and you actually overcame your programming to help save us.

Speaker 6 Exactly.

Speaker 33 This could only mean one thing.

Speaker 30 Love conquers off.

Speaker 52 Okay.

Speaker 8 Alright.

Speaker 32 I was actually gonna say love conquers on.

Speaker 31 Yeah, sure, yeah.

Speaker 52 Yeah, that's probably what it is.

Speaker 46 Hey, uh, guys.

Speaker 11 Shut up.

Speaker 44 Uh-oh.

Speaker 46 60 and 9 are. Their eyes got real red.
They're coming at us.

Speaker 35 Oh no. What's happening?

Speaker 11 Yeah, they're still under the Emperor's control.

Speaker 10 They're probably going to try and kill us here.

Speaker 27 That's right.

Speaker 40 I'm just going to go invisible real quick.

Speaker 44 Oh.

Speaker 44 Oh, wow.

Speaker 7 We got knives for hands.

Speaker 31 Oh, boy. We're going to keep you all down.

Speaker 35 We are not sexually attracted to any of you.

Speaker 12 I find that very hard to believe.

Speaker 27 Get some muscles.

Speaker 32 I have some muscles. They're just under my skin.

Speaker 27 He's so funny. You're so funny.

Speaker 35 Oh, really?

Speaker 25 No!

Speaker 35 He's a dumbfounded nerd.

Speaker 32 Okay, guys, we got this. C53 and I will take 60, and AJ and Dar, you take 9.

Speaker 11 We will destroy you!

Speaker 6 No, actually,

Speaker 40 we're fine. We're sort of doing it.

Speaker 6 We're sort of doing it.

Speaker 32 Actually, this is where they're outmatched, and I think we're done.

Speaker 55 Oh, wow. AJ, good shot.

Speaker 32 Nice work, Tar.

Speaker 44 This is why you planned.

Speaker 12 Yeah, I mean, it was very easy to dispatch these droids.

Speaker 32 Yeah, I don't think I don't think 789 really needed to.

Speaker 32 AJ,

Speaker 32 just wasn't meant to be.

Speaker 34 Hey dude, do you have a lot of experience?

Speaker 19 I don't have genitalia.

Speaker 11 Okay.

Speaker 27 I don't care.

Speaker 55 Yeah, they don't.

Speaker 7 None of the clothes have genitalia.

Speaker 55 Okay, yeah, that was not a real one. Not a real cabin either.

Speaker 7 Try the next one.

Speaker 10 Multiple sounds moving towards us.

Speaker 32 Back under the bed.

Speaker 30 Back under the bed.

Speaker 23 Alright, this is the one real cabin.

Speaker 10 Standard primitor. Standard primitive.
Everyone run around.

Speaker 50 You got it.

Speaker 46 Alright, guys. Like you said, standard primitive.

Speaker 58 They're inside the bed.

Speaker 10 Everybody take a take a look around.

Speaker 58 Get the bodies from inside the cabinet.

Speaker 11 Alright, so we're posting up on a perimeter.

Speaker 26 I'll be in my shuttle.

Speaker 41 Bring their corpses to me.

Speaker 19 Alright, let's see what the assassins have done.

Speaker 23 They've deactivated

Speaker 55 I see that they're deacting.

Speaker 40 Alright, guys, let's get into their deactivating.

Speaker 31 I don't think they see us. All we have to do is lay low and they'll leave.

Speaker 35 Uh, no, 789, get under the bed.

Speaker 30 No, you don't need to do that.

Speaker 33 There's no reason to.

Speaker 31 Everyone plan, make a perimeter.

Speaker 55 We're just gonna like walk around once and then head out.

Speaker 16 Stop! Oh!

Speaker 21 Oh, come on!

Speaker 27 I'm doing this for love.

Speaker 16 No shoot me if you have to shoot anyone, you stupid clones.

Speaker 24 Whoa, she said the C-word.

Speaker 40 That's her total.

Speaker 40 I was going to think, Mrs.

Speaker 40 Don't, don't you bless me?

Speaker 40 But I wouldn't take it.

Speaker 19 I think we all got her.

Speaker 55 Alright, boys. There's clearly nothing else to see here.

Speaker 19 So let's pack it up and head back to Bordaw. It looks like that one assassin went rogue and killed the other two.

Speaker 46 Hey guys, should we go after the beds or anything like that?

Speaker 5 Yo, Plinch, shut up. Shut up.

Speaker 11 Shut up.

Speaker 22 Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
Plinch, shut up. I'm sorry.

Speaker 22 Look under the bed.

Speaker 44 We just did a perimeter.

Speaker 26 Argy, I have an incoming transmission from Tree Boy.

Speaker 15 Ah, it's about time. We're due for a call.

Speaker 5 Hey, what's up, Mom?

Speaker 15 Tree. I'm sorry, can't you?

Speaker 10 Treeboy, boy, mom!

Speaker 42 My name is Tree Boy. I found myself.

Speaker 40 Hey, Tree Boy.

Speaker 22 Hey, guys.

Speaker 34 Tree Boy, how's it going?

Speaker 42 It's great. Look at all my trees.

Speaker 15 Wow, very nice.

Speaker 15 Now, are you a public park? Are you a private park?

Speaker 3 Mom!

Speaker 42 How dare you ask how I'm sewn, mom?

Speaker 12 Treeboy, I, you know, hate to interrupt. Uh, if you could just answer a couple of questions for me,

Speaker 12 what type of parent do you need? And what type of parent do you feel like you've had?

Speaker 15 Wow, okay. Well, I've been to therapy for a while, so why not?

Speaker 42 Um, well, I feel like I need a parent who just respects my decisions,

Speaker 42 gives me some crude every now and then,

Speaker 42 and then you know, just like lets me be who I am.

Speaker 15 I've let you go through many transformations, I just want to make sure you're okay.

Speaker 12 I mean, she's done everything right, I don't but you're still so hostile towards your mother.

Speaker 46 Yeah, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 12 And you're in.

Speaker 36 Okay.

Speaker 37 Who else am I going to blame?

Speaker 31 Yeah, I hadn't thought about that.

Speaker 28 Let's back up this logging truck, boys.

Speaker 22 Back it up.

Speaker 31 Are they logging you?

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 42 Yeah, this is mainly a money-making scheme for me.

Speaker 36 Oh, son.

Speaker 15 Son, I'm so proud of you.

Speaker 42 Yeah, I don't give a juck about trees.

Speaker 40 I just wanna.

Speaker 3 Shut up, mom. You don't know me.

Speaker 15 Mom, I know you very well.

Speaker 3 You don't know me.

Speaker 21 Oh, I'm so proud of you. I'm not like you at all.

Speaker 15 Oh, you're exactly like me.

Speaker 3 I'm also on the run.

Speaker 43 Don't tell me, buddy.

Speaker 15 Me too.

Speaker 10 Ah, Mom!

Speaker 10 Pull these down!

Speaker 10 Mom, whatever.

Speaker 42 You did an alright job, I guess.

Speaker 39 What are you doing?

Speaker 15 What's happening? Mom!

Speaker 3 What? I'm leaving!

Speaker 5 Disconnecting!

Speaker 27 Sorry, Barnum!

Speaker 12 Does no one have any answers for me?

Speaker 3 Well.

Speaker 19 I guess it all comes down to what you can and can't control.

Speaker 38 And that control is basically a myth.

Speaker 23 You have to do the best you can with what you're given.

Speaker 19 You can't control that, but you can control your actions and how you treat your child.

Speaker 19 Yeah, that took about eight hours of my eyeballs peeled open while they that sounded like Janelle Fitzmire.

Speaker 23 Yeah,

Speaker 43 hey, Nermit. Hey, guys.

Speaker 36 Hey, guys, good news.

Speaker 12 It looks like you're healthy.

Speaker 11 Yeah, you're filthy.

Speaker 38 Yeah, here's a plant.

Speaker 16 I can't.

Speaker 42 No, I'm too short to plant. If I planted, I would have been fully submerged in stomach.

Speaker 42 So here's what I did. The stomach is half full.
I clung to the ceiling of the stomach to keep myself out of the acid, and I waited it out. And then I knew, I was like, this bird's pooping.

Speaker 42 And I just dove in and went out the butthole.

Speaker 11 Yeah, actually, Lewis, you can see

Speaker 23 out of its anus. Pretty go, birdie.
Thank you.

Speaker 42 Anyway, so

Speaker 45 tell me.

Speaker 29 We uh, it didn't go great.

Speaker 21 Oh, false flag.

Speaker 23 Whoa, I thought it ruled. It was really fun.

Speaker 32 Yeah, AJ had a great time. He had got to blow up some robots, he got to run a perimeter check.

Speaker 12 Bell and love, and we all got these great kimonos.

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Whoa.

Speaker 26 You're surprised

Speaker 26 on the murder.

Speaker 42 Sorry, my eyes are kind of clouded by PCs.

Speaker 11 Thanks, guys. It's a belly shirt, but for you, if you like it.

Speaker 5 Oh, hang on, guys.

Speaker 42 Yep, it's. Yep, it's her.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 42 This is the Tornada's lawyer. Okay, so thank you for coming at roughly the time we agreed upon.
My dad's lawyer is still trying to rappel down to the cave, so it'll just be a second.

Speaker 42 Um, can I get you? I guess I can't give you anything you have to

Speaker 43 uh you know what?

Speaker 42 Come on, where did so where did you go to law school?

Speaker 42 Haven't heard of that? Is that competitive to get in?

Speaker 42 This is Sea Red IT5, Credits and Attributions Droid, commencing outro protocol.

Speaker 4 Pop-up Dexetter and the Plint were played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Benn.
Dar was played by Ali Kokesh. Barger the Ship and 9 were played by Mujan Zolfogari.

Speaker 4 Master Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy, Bordoff and 60 were played by Seth Lynn. AJ and the Clints were played by Winston Knoll.
789 was played by special guest Tammy Sager.

Speaker 4 Tammy has written for shows like How I Met Your Mother, Inside Amy Schumer, and Orange is the New Black, and has acted on shows like Girls, Bob's Burgers, and Russian Doll.

Speaker 4 This episode was edited by Seth Lynn with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Recorded at Braun Studios in Brooklyn, New York.

Speaker 4 Music composed by Brennan Ryan and performed by famous Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Additional music by Shane O'Connell.
Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Speaker 4 Ship designed for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goist. Audio hosting by Simplecast.
Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Speaker 57 Welcome back to Fireside Chat on KMAX. With me in studio to take your calls is the dopest duo on the West Coast, Oliver Wong and Morgan Rhodes.
Go ahead, call her.

Speaker 22 Hey, I'm looking for a music podcast that's insightful and thoughtful, but like also helps me discover artists and albums that I've never heard of.

Speaker 13 Yeah, man, it sounds like you need to listen to Heat Rocks.

Speaker 13 Every week, myself, and I'm Morgan Rhodes, and my co-host here, Oliver Wong, talk to influential guests about a canonical album that has changed their lives.

Speaker 54 Guests like Moby, Open Mike Eagle, talk about albums by Prince Joni Mitchell and so much more.

Speaker 22 What's that show called again?

Speaker 13 Heat Rocks: Deep Dives into Hot Records.

Speaker 54 Every Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Speaker 45 Hey, everybody, this is J. Keith Van Stratton, host of Go Fact Yourself, a live game show here on the Maximum Fun Network.

Speaker 45 On Go Fact Yourself, we take the smartest people we know and make them look dumb. Oh, by the way, how much do you know about chicken husbandry?

Speaker 51 You gotta give them that grain. All right, you gotta give them that grain.

Speaker 45 And then smart again. What future Hall of Fame pitcher for the Cleveland Indians became the first active player to enlist? Bob Feller.

Speaker 49 Oh, okay.

Speaker 45 We've got me, co-host Helen Hong, plus celebrity guests and actual surprise surprise experts. All right, we have an expert on hand who can tell us for sure.

Speaker 52 Is that Alan Havey?

Speaker 45 Helen, who do we have tonight?

Speaker 48 Alan Havey. Alan Havey!

Speaker 45 In the coming weeks, you can hear guests like Maria Bamford, Tom Bergeron, Paul F. Tompkins, Janet Varney, and Grant Imahara.

Speaker 45 Check us out on the first and third Friday of every month here on the Maximum Fun Network.

Speaker 45 MaximumFun.org.

Speaker 32 Comedy and culture. Artist-owned, audience-supported.

Speaker 47 Hold me in your heart heart forever. Never love anyone the way you loved me.

Speaker 12 Just promise me that.

Speaker 37 Yeah, promise her that.

Speaker 49 I don't know.

Speaker 52 I could think you could promise her that. Yeah, play the game.

Speaker 37 Promise her that.

Speaker 12 You said it with your eye already.

Speaker 37 I don't have a lot of depth perception.

Speaker 47 Thank you for teaching me what love is.

Speaker 37 Did I do that? Did he do that?

Speaker 54 No. I think he did.

Speaker 12 Did I do that?

Speaker 37 Sexy Urkel.

Speaker 6 Sexy Urkel.