309: Jan with a Van [ft. Morgan Grace Jarrett]

Speaker 1 It is a time of fear and unrest.

Speaker 1 Emperor Nermit Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist and also a planet crusher.

Speaker 3 Crusher.

Speaker 1 Now, Zema Knight Pleck Dexetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat whackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

Speaker 4 This is Mission to Sink.

Speaker 9 What are you doing with me, Das? Are you reading more?

Speaker 10 Yeah, I love it so much.

Speaker 11 Now that I learned how to read, I'm reading all the time.

Speaker 12 What do you think you enjoy?

Speaker 13 You know, the great books. And I'm really into the classics right now.

Speaker 10 Pat the Garfun, Goodnight Forest Moon, Peter, you know, where he goes and he tries to steal some of the

Speaker 10 robots from Farmer McGregor.

Speaker 11 You know, just classics like that.

Speaker 15 These are you're reading children's books.

Speaker 11 Well, I guess if you consider one GURP, two GURP, red GURP, blue GURP a children's book, then yeah, I'm reading children's books.

Speaker 16 I mean, C-53, he is only five.

Speaker 6 He's only five years old.

Speaker 9 I don't want to, you know, belittle him.

Speaker 15 Sure, these are classic children.

Speaker 17 Hey, hey, who's free?

Speaker 18 Who's free right now?

Speaker 16 I'm pretty free, Barchie. Why are you?

Speaker 18 I need help with a self-tape for an audition.

Speaker 2 Wait, Bartie? What?

Speaker 16 What?

Speaker 18 Yeah, I'll print out the sides.

Speaker 20 No, Bartie.

Speaker 20 No, No, Bargie, I thought you were on the lamb.

Speaker 16 You can't be auditioning for me.

Speaker 18 I think I'm ready to go back.

Speaker 16 The last time I talked to you, you were actively avoiding scrutiny from anyone.

Speaker 18 The thing is, it's been enough time, okay? I spent way too much time dealing with being a criminal, with all the things I've done, you know, feeling ashamed and bad and sad.

Speaker 18 I'm ready, I'm ready for my comeback tour.

Speaker 11 But you never, you never apologized at all.

Speaker 18 Fine, that's good. It's my apology tour.
My tour of all the places where I can audition.

Speaker 12 You're only touring places where you can audition for Halloween? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 16 Roger, you know, part of redemption is, you know, being proactive about making the things that you did better.

Speaker 18 Definitely. 100%.

Speaker 18 Anyway, uh, horny doctor's first line.

Speaker 23 Yeah, I'll do it.

Speaker 9 I'm kidding.

Speaker 9 Shit.

Speaker 9 Change

Speaker 9 the

Speaker 9 geese.

Speaker 9 No. Change the goues, girls.

Speaker 6 I knew it.

Speaker 16 AJ, I thought you could read.

Speaker 7 I I can't read.

Speaker 14 I'm reading. I mean, what's how's this not reading?

Speaker 24 Is there a horny doctor up here on the ship? I need to see a a doctor.

Speaker 16 Dar, wha come out of your room. What's going on?

Speaker 6 No, actually, no.

Speaker 16 No, it's a it's a it's an audition. Dar, there's no there's no doctor on the ship.

Speaker 10 Gauze? It doesn't look like it's gauze.

Speaker 27 It really sounds like it was a horny doctor.

Speaker 18 I haven't even said my line yet.

Speaker 9 Dar, I don't know what's going on in there, but uh, the midnight camera comes equipped with some pretty high-end first-aid subroutines.

Speaker 12 Should you need any medical attention?

Speaker 2 Dar, what?

Speaker 16 I'm sorry. This is Dar, this probably is super normal that your head is so small and your body so large.

Speaker 24 Nope, no, this is not normal. This is um uh too too soon.
I'm I'm not fully into the fifth octomester, and

Speaker 24 I shouldn't look like this. I shouldn't look what the books.

Speaker 20 The books don't say it.

Speaker 16 Dara, are you okay? I mean, do you feel alright?

Speaker 24 I mean, everything still feels fine. It just feels like my body moved on a little too quickly.
Like, I...

Speaker 18 Alright, so none of these are lines that the horny doctor is saying, so this is not helping.

Speaker 4 I'm sorry. AJ, I'll do it.

Speaker 14 I'll do it. I'll do it.

Speaker 9 Alright, I'll do it.

Speaker 28 Alright.

Speaker 16 Change the gauze on that hatch, or I'll do it for you.

Speaker 18 Don't worry about it, Horndock.

Speaker 18 I killed too many people in my time.

Speaker 16 You've killed people,

Speaker 16 but you've brought me to life right here.

Speaker 9 Burgie, what kind of hollows? I don't know if I like this, Burgie.

Speaker 15 This is pretty horny.

Speaker 22 Yeah, I mean, I just read what's on the page.

Speaker 18 It was only one line, so.

Speaker 18 Thank you. I'll send it now.

Speaker 18 Oh, I have to sleep.

Speaker 18 Hi, uh, it's Budgetary Jay. You know what I did.
But I'm back.

Speaker 30 Budgie, we still don't know what you did.

Speaker 18 Alright, we'll be the lunch.

Speaker 10 Hey, guys.

Speaker 16 Hey, Nerma, you're inside.

Speaker 24 Yeah, that doesn't look like you're next.

Speaker 31 Yeah, yeah, I'm just at the parents' house. They had to help them like reset the router.
Nerman, no, you can finish your vegetables.

Speaker 34 No, Mom, I'm working.

Speaker 32 I'm doing

Speaker 24 how important it is to eat your vegetables.

Speaker 31 You know how important it is to take down the Emperor?

Speaker 32 Nerma, do you have the router working again?

Speaker 31 I had to pause on that for one second because I have to assign a mission. Remember, I'm a missions operations manager of the master level?

Speaker 33 Nerma, the the internet doesn't work.

Speaker 16 Nerma, you can finish rebooting the router and call us back. No, no, no.

Speaker 31 Because we're trying to stream a program, Nerma. Can you wait, like, one minute? I have the mission to that.

Speaker 33 How do you make this picture on my phone bigger?

Speaker 31 You literally move your fingers apart. I don't get it.
No, you're you spread your fingers apart. Well, that's what she's doing.

Speaker 23 She's not touching the phone. She's near the phone.

Speaker 31 While touching the screen, I don't.

Speaker 22 Nermit,

Speaker 16 you guys stop calling us when you have other shit.

Speaker 22 No, no, no.

Speaker 31 I told them that I was I needed a break from chores.

Speaker 16 Just then wait till the break has started. I did.

Speaker 31 Guys, I have a mission.

Speaker 14 Mission time.

Speaker 31 Like the enthusiasm, AJ.

Speaker 4 All right,

Speaker 4 all right.

Speaker 31 I've been looking through the list of dissidents that we got during the wedding, and one of the names stood out.

Speaker 20 Okay.

Speaker 35 Jan

Speaker 35 is

Speaker 35 an oracle.

Speaker 31 Jan is probably the most powerful entity on this list of dissidents. This is the first place that we should go to attract incredibly powerful support in our quest to take on the army.

Speaker 13 Nerman, what do you mean, oracle?

Speaker 10 You mean like a hole?

Speaker 9 What? What? Isn't an oracle a hole in the ground?

Speaker 23 You're just thinking of a hole.

Speaker 10 Huh.

Speaker 10 Alright.

Speaker 11 I'm gonna check it out.

Speaker 37 Yeah,

Speaker 37 you could

Speaker 9 look that up.

Speaker 16 Just walked into the cargo bay.

Speaker 15 I would decider an oracle is somebody with precognitive abilities.

Speaker 9 They could potentially give us future information about the emperor. They could help us in ways we don't even fully understand.

Speaker 24 Maybe they could help us understand why my head is so small.

Speaker 4 I thought I'd pig.

Speaker 24 But I'm not actually supposed to be my fifth octopus yet.

Speaker 38 What?

Speaker 16 Yeah, Dar, something's going on with Dar.

Speaker 31 We got the so-called Oracle vote. Dar, are you okay, so baby?

Speaker 7 Nermit, Nermit, Nermit, put that book down.

Speaker 22 You don't need to make a nest right now.

Speaker 6 Okay, I'm nesting.

Speaker 31 Yep, yep, yep, I'm tearing it up. I'm tearing it up.

Speaker 13 Nermit.

Speaker 14 Nermit, that is one of

Speaker 32 that is a first edition copy of One Gerb, Two Gerb, Red Gerb, Blue Gerb.

Speaker 23 I need to nest.

Speaker 6 I'm nesting, guys.

Speaker 31 Something recorded to Kirkland.

Speaker 20 Kirkland? Kirkland, the home of Jan.

Speaker 16 Thank you, Nermit.

Speaker 31 Dar, stay strong.

Speaker 24 I'm always strong.

Speaker 31 Nermit, if I want to send this picture as an attacker.

Speaker 9 See 53, you gotta disconnect this paperclip icon.

Speaker 17 Disconnecting?

Speaker 14 I was thinking Orifice.

Speaker 11 That's what I was thinking.

Speaker 5 Tidings your immeasurable whackness.

Speaker 30 Head Toady Bordoff here with good news.

Speaker 20 And

Speaker 13 some bad, but first the good.

Speaker 30 My Imperial shuttle is fueled and spotless.

Speaker 5 Ready to transport a brigade to Mop Up.

Speaker 22 After our wicked trap undoubtedly eliminates that meddling crew of interlopers in the Zek Squadron.

Speaker 13 For the bad news?

Speaker 9 well,

Speaker 5 it seems that our enemies on the fresh side are equipped with socks of higher quality than we imagined possible. They're called bombas, you see.

Speaker 5 And they're designed to be the most comfortable socks in the history of feet. Which is, uh, hang on.

Speaker 5 Wow, my calculator doesn't even go that high.

Speaker 22 Anyways, lots of years of feet.

Speaker 5 And the problem is this, you see, bombas are made from super soft, natural cotton, and then every pair comes with arch support, a seamless toe, and a cushioned footbed that's comfy, but not too thick.

Speaker 5 I know, I know, we need them. And do not worry, your gnarliness.

Speaker 6 I will gain us access to these powerful socks.

Speaker 7 If only one could buy them today

Speaker 5 at bombus.com slash zix or something and get 20% off your first order. That would be perfect.
I would totally go to bombus.com/slash zix ZYXX for 20% off these incredible socks.

Speaker 5 Wait.

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 5 For every purchase of Bombus, they donate a pair to someone in need?

Speaker 5 That's not whack.

Speaker 9 That's completely fresh.

Speaker 13 Flashed! Would that they were at bombus.com slash zix!

Speaker 36 I guess not what I expected out of a planet.

Speaker 9 Let's go to an oracle.

Speaker 16 I feel like most of our, you know, we usually land in a capital city or something, but it it this spaceport, it sort of seems to be in like a residential area.

Speaker 39 Are you guys here for soccer or what?

Speaker 35 Are you here to pick us up?

Speaker 16 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 40 We've been waiting and no one

Speaker 35 hasn't picked us up yet.

Speaker 20 No one's picked us up.

Speaker 30 I scored a goal.

Speaker 22 Oh, congratulations.

Speaker 30 Thanks.

Speaker 16 I'm sorry. Is there someone

Speaker 16 else?

Speaker 4 Is there an adult?

Speaker 13 Hold, hold. Get in the car.

Speaker 35 Get in the car.

Speaker 41 What are you doing talking to strangers?

Speaker 42 Mom, you're late.

Speaker 24 You said you were at business about 4:30, and it's literally like 4:44.

Speaker 41 Okay, okay, listen.

Speaker 41 Literally. I cannot keep track of the tank.
Okay, my BitFit broke, okay, if you must know.

Speaker 21 You want to know who broke it? Guess.

Speaker 41 Guess who broke it? Danielle.

Speaker 27 Todd.

Speaker 41 Both of them broke it.

Speaker 41 Both of them. Danielle broke it.
Todd flushed it down the toilet. Listen, get in the car.
Stop talking to strangers. Get in the car.

Speaker 16 Sorry, miss. It looks like you're very busy.

Speaker 26 I just have a little bit of a bad thing.

Speaker 9 What, you didn't?

Speaker 41 You didn't mean to almost kidnap my kids? Oh, no.

Speaker 42 Cut them to their stock. No, no, no, no, no, no, not at all.

Speaker 24 We hate children. We would never want to kidnap them.

Speaker 20 Welcome to the club. Yeah.

Speaker 6 I just have a quick question.

Speaker 30 Real quick, real quick.

Speaker 16 There doesn't seem to be any sort of official here at the spaceport. We're looking for the oracle.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm the oracle.

Speaker 41 I'm Jan.

Speaker 20 Jan?

Speaker 6 We're actually looking for Jan.

Speaker 41 It's just Jan. I'm Jan, and I'm an oracle, and these are my kids.

Speaker 20 These are all my children.

Speaker 20 Wait, you're...

Speaker 39 Mama? Yes. Mama, I got a piece.

Speaker 20 Okay,

Speaker 41 just go in your diaper. It's fine.
Just forget the potty training thing we've been working on. Just go.

Speaker 22 Sorry, Jan.

Speaker 22 You are the oracle on the planet.

Speaker 21 Yep, that's me.

Speaker 37 Okay.

Speaker 41 I got a lot going on.

Speaker 22 I thought it was Jan.

Speaker 16 How is it spelled?

Speaker 41 Uh, J-A-N.

Speaker 16 Okay, that seems like a nermit misconception.

Speaker 22 Yeah, then I'm going to be a little bit.

Speaker 24 Yeah, could you pronounce the planet?

Speaker 20 Kirkland? Oh, okay.

Speaker 43 This is Kirkland.

Speaker 7 Kirkland, yeah.

Speaker 41 No, you're just.

Speaker 27 What are you doing here?

Speaker 16 I'm trying to be at the I'm at the spaceport, just hanging out with my friends.

Speaker 41 Jeremy? What? Jeremy, take off those sunglasses immediately.

Speaker 41 Take off those.

Speaker 41 Those are not yours. Take them off right now.

Speaker 16 Listen, Chan, I'm sorry. We actually are

Speaker 16 here to speak to the oracle.

Speaker 6 It looks like you're pretty busy. Should we come back?

Speaker 41 When would be a less busy time for me? You tell me. I have 9 million children.

Speaker 21 Yeah. Yeah.
Yes. What, Mom? Sorry.

Speaker 45 Sorry, I ran over from the other part of town.

Speaker 45 Philip and I are getting a divorce.

Speaker 46 Oh, man. And I don't, and it's like, is it me?

Speaker 46 Is it him? It's me. It's me, right?

Speaker 41 No, no, no. Listen, Haley,

Speaker 41 it is not you.

Speaker 21 It's you.

Speaker 36 Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, must be Philip.

Speaker 7 Haley and I are getting a divorce.

Speaker 20 Philip? Yeah. Philip.

Speaker 41 Yeah. It's not Haley.

Speaker 7 Yeah. What?

Speaker 13 Thank you, Mom.

Speaker 41 Listen, Philip, you've always been difficult, like,

Speaker 38 to just...

Speaker 24 I suppose on a planet of 9 million of your children, that's to be expected. Yeah,

Speaker 45 Sam is doing it.

Speaker 20 Hello.

Speaker 43 Hi, Sam.

Speaker 24 Wait, that decrepit old lawyer is your son?

Speaker 29 It's been a while.

Speaker 25 Hey, that's my brother you're talking about.

Speaker 20 That's my divorce lawyer and my brother.

Speaker 24 At least the Jane looks amazing and ethereal, and he looked like a broom.

Speaker 41 He did, he did. He looked like a very well-polished broom.

Speaker 7 That broom passed the bar.

Speaker 20 He did.

Speaker 16 He did.

Speaker 19 I'm sorry, Chan.

Speaker 16 He should probably go and come back.

Speaker 22 I feel like you're right in the middle of the.

Speaker 20 Okay. Oh, well.

Speaker 41 Yeah, that that hurts.

Speaker 41 That hurts my feelings. But you know what? I can only do what I can do.
I only have so many hands.

Speaker 41 Okay, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 34 Come, come, come.

Speaker 41 Okay, and here's a

Speaker 9 bottle

Speaker 41 of star dust.

Speaker 22 Okay, well, if we can't go, can we can we help you at all?

Speaker 26 Is there anything we can do to kind of

Speaker 21 yeah, uh, actually,

Speaker 21 thank you, yeah, uh, that'd be great.

Speaker 36 Um,

Speaker 22 AJ, why would that

Speaker 26 the first thing you think of?

Speaker 7 Please don't.

Speaker 41 Oh, no, no, we, um, can you put that away, actually? Uh, I don't want any of my children to have any visuals of guns. I don't even allow uh,

Speaker 24 look at this picture I drew, that gun I just saw.

Speaker 20 Yeah, it was like who you just get.

Speaker 9 That's where it starts.

Speaker 41 Uh, Jeremy, what? Get that cigarette out of your mouth right this second.

Speaker 41 Get that cigarette out of your mouth.

Speaker 42 He ate it.

Speaker 24 He ate the cigarette.

Speaker 41 I was going to make him eat it as a form of punishment, but he enjoyed it.

Speaker 16 Be careful. She'll lord that over you for the rest of your life.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 16 Oh, you used to smoke.

Speaker 8 I did.

Speaker 24 Oh, that's why you look like a broom.

Speaker 41 You guys can help me. Listen, here's a list.

Speaker 41 Here's a list. Okay, I need you to go to the grocery store.
Just get everything on this list. Okay, I'm doing some crock pot meals

Speaker 41 and some freezer meals, some meal planning, and I don't think I'm gonna have time to get the

Speaker 30 grocery store.

Speaker 20 Can you do that for me?

Speaker 20 Okay, yeah.

Speaker 36 We heard that you were awful

Speaker 30 so you can see the future.

Speaker 38 Yeah, I am.

Speaker 41 Yeah, oh, I

Speaker 41 mean, I know everything, but um.

Speaker 24 And could you tell me then why my head is so small, but my body is so big? Um,

Speaker 41 you know, I'm just so tired, is the thing. I'm just,

Speaker 41 I know everything, I see everything. Of course, right.
But I am exhausted.

Speaker 7 And I am expecting I'm a new

Speaker 16 they're expecting.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 13 Oh.

Speaker 41 Congratulations.

Speaker 21 It's the best time of your life. Are you glowing?

Speaker 24 No, I'm actually freaking out because my head is so small, my body is so big, and I'm not supposed to be in my fifth octomester at this point.

Speaker 41 I should still be in my fourth octomester.

Speaker 24 I should

Speaker 24 still be all tiny.

Speaker 21 Are you seeing a midwife?

Speaker 24 No.

Speaker 41 Should I?

Speaker 21 Are you seeing a midwife?

Speaker 41 Are you seeing a doula?

Speaker 24 No, should I?

Speaker 41 Are you seeing an OBGYN? No, should I? Are you seeing a shaman?

Speaker 24 Oh, I had honestly thought that that was not a good idea.

Speaker 41 It probably isn't.

Speaker 39 Mama, Mama, yes, baby.

Speaker 45 I'm sick.

Speaker 35 You're sick?

Speaker 41 Can you just help me clean it up?

Speaker 2 That would really...

Speaker 41 Just grab, grab some, uh, grab some of these.

Speaker 24 But you're saying if you were a little less tired, you would know how to help me.

Speaker 41 Yeah, I mean, look, I can, you know, I can,

Speaker 41 you know, I can look into it. I've got, I've just, I've got a few more kids to pick up from spring practice.

Speaker 24 I can go there.

Speaker 41 And then, okay, and I gotta get these, this food and the crock pot. And then, uh, I'm, I gotta get, um, these 400 kids, I do have to get to bed by seven.

Speaker 9 Wow, okay.

Speaker 13 Where are the dads?

Speaker 22 Uh, AJ, that doesn't really.

Speaker 14 What did I say?

Speaker 36 Did I say something wrong?

Speaker 22 It's just very personal. If I had to guess anything, but where are the dads?

Speaker 7 You know, shouldn't there be dads?

Speaker 7 What?

Speaker 14 I mean, I am a clo, but I have been conditioned to realize realize that a normal family is a mother, a father, children, one red girb.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 9 One blue girb.

Speaker 16 AJ, listen, one of the things you gotta learn on this job is that we're gonna go to planets that have totally different, you know, society structures, cultures.

Speaker 16 And part of diplomacy is being able to, you know, kind of figure that out.

Speaker 25 Okay,

Speaker 16 you have to put that away, AJ.

Speaker 35 Can you please put that pen away?

Speaker 41 I okay.

Speaker 46 Look at the shaving I was able to do on this gun while I had it out.

Speaker 41 No, Matthew, put that drawing away. Okay, no more can't.
I know you guys came here for a reason or whatever.

Speaker 41 I want to help you.

Speaker 41 I just, I obviously have a lot going on.

Speaker 41 I'm in over my head. You know, I am Noracle.
I've got 9 million kids, and. You look great.

Speaker 41 Well, thank you.

Speaker 41 I do the 30-day shred

Speaker 41 every time.

Speaker 2 30 days, that adds up.

Speaker 34 It's gonna be a friend.

Speaker 41 But yes, you know, it's just a lot of needs.

Speaker 22 AJ, you know what?

Speaker 16 Here is this shopping list. How about you?

Speaker 16 Do you see that grocery store across the street? Yeah. How about you go grab us some groceries?

Speaker 7 Let's go shopping, baby.

Speaker 36 Look at loading.

Speaker 16 You definitely can't bring that into the... I will take that.

Speaker 7 I'll take that.

Speaker 26 Yep, and let me take the button that takes the gun out of your butt.

Speaker 7 Let me take it. Alright, take it.
Alright.

Speaker 13 Alright, get in the cart.

Speaker 20 Get back in the cart.

Speaker 16 Jan, should we actually come with you?

Speaker 2 Would that be easier?

Speaker 26 Jan, how does the society work here on Kirkland?

Speaker 16 Did you build this city or did your kids build it?

Speaker 41 Yeah, I essentially built it.

Speaker 41 You know, I started having children, oh, I don't know how many years ago was it?

Speaker 41 I've got nine million kids.

Speaker 2 I've got

Speaker 41 the 80s maybe.

Speaker 41 And, you know,

Speaker 41 next thing you know, here I am,

Speaker 41 all these kids. And just trying to keep keep my head above the water.
And, you know, I love them. I love all of them.
It's hard.

Speaker 16 That's very obvious, you know. I know every kid is different, but I can tell you really connected with all of them.

Speaker 9 There's a lot of care.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 20 Yeah. Mama!

Speaker 9 Mama!

Speaker 41 Just ignore him. Just ignore him.
It's just. That's Toad.

Speaker 41 That's Toad. And just.

Speaker 41 He's fine. He's fine.

Speaker 2 I guess I didn't really understand that.

Speaker 16 I thought all of your kids were the same species.

Speaker 41 No, no. Some of them are reptiles.

Speaker 41 And when that happens, they go and live in the lake. And they're not 100% my responsibility because they are reptiles.

Speaker 41 They take care of each other. But Toad has just sort of insisted that he stick with

Speaker 9 wits, I would say.

Speaker 42 Flies?

Speaker 42 Not flies.

Speaker 41 Yeah, yeah. Do you want to go to the lake and get some flies?

Speaker 41 Flies!

Speaker 41 wait so Jan if if you're the mother of the reptiles and stuff are you the mother of like the plants and yes I gave birth to everything on this planet so anything you see all the plant life all um

Speaker 20 all the air

Speaker 41 wow there was no air here before you got here there was no air i had to make it a more a more um

Speaker 22 jan i really feel like you've created a a really big happy family here Yeah, you know, I think I have.

Speaker 47 I think I have.

Speaker 17 Jane, did you do more oracling before you had kids to yourself?

Speaker 41 Sure.

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 41 Yeah, I had a life before kids. Okay.

Speaker 30 I think I looked a little different.

Speaker 41 I had a little more energy. I had a little more know,

Speaker 41 all-knowing knowledge and power. Okay, but now I've got mom brain.

Speaker 41 Yeah, that's true. I don't even know how much gas I have in this thing.

Speaker 16 I feel like you maybe need a little bit of help here, Jen,

Speaker 2 around the planet.

Speaker 44 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 41 I've got this. I've got this.

Speaker 41 No one's gonna do it like I'm gonna do it, okay?

Speaker 9 Sure.

Speaker 41 I've got everything under control.

Speaker 17 Okay, that may be true, but it just seems like a lot of work for one. Even a rottenist like yourself, I'll be doing it.

Speaker 41 I can do it. No, I can do it.

Speaker 41 If I know I'm doing it, then I just know I'm doing it right, you know? Yeah, that makes sense. The laundry's getting done the exact way that I do the laundry.

Speaker 16 But you know, it's sometimes you gotta, you know, if you love something, you gotta set it free, as they say.

Speaker 24 Also, delegating. Delegating is a great way.

Speaker 21 Failure?

Speaker 24 I'm sorry?

Speaker 44 Mom failure?

Speaker 24 Delegating is a mom failure.

Speaker 41 Oh, that's what I heard when you said delegating.

Speaker 43 Mom fail.

Speaker 16 Wow, you blew through that stoplight, Jim.

Speaker 41 Oh, was there a stoplight? I don't know. I'm hardly looking.

Speaker 8 Oh.

Speaker 16 It's fine. It's probably one of your kids, right?

Speaker 41 It is. It is my kid that became a cop.

Speaker 49 Hey, mom, do you have any idea how fast you were going through that red light?

Speaker 8 Uh, I

Speaker 41 don't I I don't know, Josh.

Speaker 8 Why don't you tell me?

Speaker 26 Can you tell me the reason why you're in such a hurry today?

Speaker 41 Hey, Josh. Yeah.

Speaker 49 Mom, why don't you step out of the car?

Speaker 34 Why don't you finally have you step right out of the car?

Speaker 49 You're gonna give me that kind of trouble.

Speaker 41 All right, listen. Do you remember I have done so much for you? Okay, I have done s do you remember all that tutoring you had?

Speaker 7 I do.

Speaker 41 Do you m who paid for that tutoring? You did.

Speaker 49 Mom, what do you think if everyone uh everyone here on in Kirkland sped that fast?

Speaker 22 You know?

Speaker 49 What what kind of society would you have then?

Speaker 41 Uh I don't know, Josh, a fast.

Speaker 19 You know what, mom? Society.

Speaker 49 I'm gonna let you offer the warning today.

Speaker 4 Uh-huh.

Speaker 49 Alright, mom, you have yourself a good day.

Speaker 29 Let's pay attention to the colors of the lights, and your gas is almost gone.

Speaker 41 Okay, great to see you.

Speaker 16 Josh seems like a good cop.

Speaker 41 Yeah, he's, you know, he's just, he loves rules and, you know, just nothing tough but fair.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 41 He's like, still doing his laundry.

Speaker 9 What?

Speaker 20 Wait, hold on.

Speaker 16 There are adults all over this planet.

Speaker 41 Yeah, but you know, sometimes I just, you know, like Josh, he just likes the way that I do his uniform.

Speaker 41 And, you know, and I agree. I, no one really does it the same way.

Speaker 43 You have to, do you? I mean,

Speaker 20 he's a gainfully employed person. No, I don't.

Speaker 41 I do it. I do it.
I just do it.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 36 Wow.

Speaker 23 AJ.

Speaker 4 Thank you.

Speaker 8 Yeah, we were going to come back.

Speaker 24 You're going to come back.

Speaker 16 AJ, AJ, you have a com like in your helmet so you can talk to us when you're when we're not together.

Speaker 20 You didn't have to come after us.

Speaker 2 I forgot about it to just get us a bunch.

Speaker 7 I saw a car pulling up and I was like, Don't leave me! And I like kept like pushing.

Speaker 34 Yeah, well, get in.

Speaker 9 Uh, Jen, got the groceries for you while here.

Speaker 41 Thank you. Just put them in the back.

Speaker 4 Why don't we do it for dinner?

Speaker 22 AJ, we're not gonna stick around for dinner.

Speaker 41 Jen's very dinner. No, you can.
You can stay for dinner.

Speaker 20 Oh, no.

Speaker 41 No, no.

Speaker 30 Ranch Garfund.

Speaker 8 That sounds good.

Speaker 6 Okay, not interesting.

Speaker 9 No, we should stay.

Speaker 21 You can stay, yes.

Speaker 4 She's saying we can stay.

Speaker 41 No, stay. It's fine.
It's fine.

Speaker 30 I don't think

Speaker 24 it feels like we're giving you another thing that you have to be responsible for. Yeah, we tried to help you.

Speaker 41 That's my job.

Speaker 41 Yeah, I mean, no, you guys have helped us.

Speaker 11 I mean, guys, she's saying that we can stay.

Speaker 17 Jan,

Speaker 15 we will accept your invitation to dinner, but only on the circumstance that we do all the work.

Speaker 41 Well, the dinner's already made. It's been in the crock pot since 9 a.m.

Speaker 17 Okay, but you have to let us set the table.

Speaker 9 Okay, you have to let us do the dishes.

Speaker 15 You have to let us wash all the kids' hands.

Speaker 41 Okay, yeah, I can

Speaker 41 delegate.

Speaker 44 Yeah, um,

Speaker 20 mm-hmm.

Speaker 41 Yeah, you guys, yeah.

Speaker 2 Hey, Darling.

Speaker 20 Yeah, Jenna, you're all right.

Speaker 41 It's just, you know, washing all the kids' hands is a special thing that we do together.

Speaker 46 We see hands-on.

Speaker 38 We don't have to wash it.

Speaker 30 We're gonna be washing, washing, washing, bubbles, bubbles, bubbles, and hands, hands, and I don't know what to do.

Speaker 41 So I just, yeah, I just feel like that's something I need to do.

Speaker 16 Totally fine, totally fine, totally fine.

Speaker 44 He dared me to! He dared me to give him peanuts!

Speaker 16 Okay, alright, so anybody'd actually give me the peanuts.

Speaker 41 Does anybody have a

Speaker 41 peppy pin?

Speaker 17 Do you have a compartment here?

Speaker 47 Can you just shoot it into his leg?

Speaker 17 You're okay with it. Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 38 Shoot it into his leg? Okay.

Speaker 48 Right.

Speaker 41 Should be all better.

Speaker 34 Mom.

Speaker 20 Oh.

Speaker 44 Why did he get a peppy pin?

Speaker 8 I want a peppy pin.

Speaker 41 Do you have any more peppy pins?

Speaker 20 Can you give him all peppy pins?

Speaker 4 I want a peppy pin.

Speaker 30 Just give him all peppy pins.

Speaker 41 All right. Well, look at that.

Speaker 35 We're here at the swim meet.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow. Great.

Speaker 41 Okay, I'm gonna go grab some of the kids and you guys can just make room in the van.

Speaker 16 Sure, yeah, sure thing.

Speaker 41 Okay, I have to sign them out, so.

Speaker 4 I don't know if we're ever gonna get anything out of Jan.

Speaker 2 She seems criminally overworked.

Speaker 40 Hey, hey, it's our mom's birthday date. We signed the card.

Speaker 20 It's your mom's birthday today?

Speaker 8 It's her own birthday.

Speaker 22 You think she's gonna make cake?

Speaker 20 No, stop. AJ, come on.

Speaker 30 She should not have to make cake.

Speaker 16 This is how busy she is on her birthday.

Speaker 20 Oh my god, it feels terrible.

Speaker 20 Surprise!

Speaker 41 It's not a swim meet.

Speaker 41 I just picked up some balloons for myself.

Speaker 41 It's my birthday, and I threw myself in the panel.

Speaker 24 Wait, that's so lovely that you just turned that in your date for yourself. That's important.
Is it?

Speaker 41 Yes, it's not selfish.

Speaker 43 No,

Speaker 20 it's very important.

Speaker 41 I just picked up a few balloons.

Speaker 15 Jen, these balloons are for you, right?

Speaker 41 Well, I mean, I got them because the kids like them. Oh, Jen, Chan, oh!

Speaker 9 And to dump!

Speaker 41 And that was my birthday celebration.

Speaker 21 Alright, let's go.

Speaker 24 Um, listen, no, no, no, Chan,

Speaker 24 I'll just do it. No, no, no, you insisted on cooking.

Speaker 24 Please just let us do the dishwasher.

Speaker 26 Literally, it is the least we can do.

Speaker 41 I don't use the dishwasher. I do I hand wash.
It's just I don't like the way the dishwasher.

Speaker 41 I don't like the

Speaker 41 it gets it makes things look foggy.

Speaker 28 Sure. Sure.
Yeah.

Speaker 41 So I just hand wash.

Speaker 23 Four servings.

Speaker 23 Okay.

Speaker 24 And you eat three different plates.

Speaker 7 Well, like you stacked them.

Speaker 28 That was great.

Speaker 25 Do we eat your children? Is that were those your children? Those Garfon?

Speaker 7 I did.

Speaker 7 What?

Speaker 25 It was still. They were delicious.
I just want to say if they were your kids, they were really good.

Speaker 41 No, no, no, no, no. No, we're not eating my children.
Thank you.

Speaker 9 No,

Speaker 41 we get it chipped in from another planet. There's...

Speaker 16 So Kirkland doesn't have its own farms.

Speaker 41 Well, Kirkland has like Kirkland's the name, but then you know,

Speaker 41 it's kind of like a generic product that comes in, and we're importing it, and then we're putting the Kirkland name on it.

Speaker 28 Sure, yeah, makes it.

Speaker 7 It was so good. Thank you.

Speaker 13 Thank you.

Speaker 41 Thank you.

Speaker 41 I didn't get any, so I don't know.

Speaker 13 Jan, you have to eat something. I'm gonna have a

Speaker 41 banana.

Speaker 7 Let me make you something.

Speaker 41 No,

Speaker 41 no, don't make more dishes. Stop.
No, absolutely not.

Speaker 3 Jan, I will make it.

Speaker 9 I will wash the dishes myself. I promise.

Speaker 41 Just get me a Slimmy quick.

Speaker 37 It's just a can.

Speaker 7 Jim, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the chocolate malt chocolate malt.

Speaker 26 James, I need to eat a real meal.

Speaker 41 Oh, that's fine. I've been living off slimmy fast for

Speaker 41 years and no, I don't know. Uh, tater tots.

Speaker 26 No, that's not.

Speaker 7 That's your children's food for children.

Speaker 41 Grapes cut in half.

Speaker 41 A cup of milk.

Speaker 36 Jen, think back before you had kids.

Speaker 28 What did you love to eat?

Speaker 41 Oh, gosh,

Speaker 41 I can't remember. I can't remember the time.

Speaker 47 Well, Jan, I'm just going to whip up something for you.

Speaker 3 I was a chef in a previous incarnation.

Speaker 9 Allow me to just do this for you.

Speaker 41 Okay, I mean,

Speaker 24 Oh, what's that alarm sound?

Speaker 41 Oh, that's uh, that's just signaling all the children to go to bed.

Speaker 31 Can I wait till the next commercial?

Speaker 37 Um, okay, alright.

Speaker 14 I never learned to self-soothe, so I'm happy to get this story right now.

Speaker 20 Alright.

Speaker 41 One gurp, two gurp, red gurp, blue gurp.

Speaker 41 One gurp, Two gurps? Four gurps. Oh, no gurps.

Speaker 7 Oh

Speaker 24 my. Wow.
I don't think I want kids.

Speaker 25 Darn, I don't think it's

Speaker 26 like this for me.

Speaker 26 She has nine million kids, darling.

Speaker 28 Too many. I mean, by almost any species, Veterans.

Speaker 12 That's extremely high numbers.

Speaker 26 And it doesn't count the vegetation or the animals on the planet. I don't even know how many kids she has.

Speaker 1 C-53, listen.

Speaker 16 I mean, it's amazing that she can care for this many offspring while also being an oracle.

Speaker 26 Jan is incredibly powerful, and we know she hates the Emperor.

Speaker 26 We need her help.

Speaker 28 No doubt she's extremely powerful, but it just seems like there's a lot of sleep right now, you know what I mean?

Speaker 9 Yeah, yeah, it's a lot of work.

Speaker 41 Okay, the kids are sleeping. The kids on this side of the planet are sleeping.
I have 15 minutes before the other side of the planet wakes up and needs to get off to school.

Speaker 20 15 more times.

Speaker 41 Well, it's 15 minutes. It is actually a lot of time.
It can get a lot done.

Speaker 2 I believe you can go.

Speaker 41 I get a lot done in these 15 minutes. I sleep, I do laundry, I prepare tomorrow's dinner.
So this is the me time.

Speaker 16 Alright, AJ, AJ, wake up.

Speaker 16 No, AJ, you have...

Speaker 24 No, please, Plex, let him sleep.

Speaker 35 Alright.

Speaker 8 Jane hoped you like garthroom all around.

Speaker 30 What is this?

Speaker 15 This is just a little something.

Speaker 9 It's a recipe.

Speaker 9 Created myself.

Speaker 20 Holy Rod.

Speaker 2 Jan, are you crying? I'm sorry.

Speaker 20 When this is warm,

Speaker 8 I just put that on the oven.

Speaker 21 It's hot. Should we make it cold?

Speaker 20 Why would we?

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 21 Do you want a bite?

Speaker 41 Here, everyone, have a bite.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm so

Speaker 6 also, I'm full.

Speaker 16 I'm full of ranch car fan.

Speaker 41 I just, I'm gonna eat this all by myself.

Speaker 2 It's for you, Jen. That's who it's for.
For me.

Speaker 4 We can split it if you want.

Speaker 20 AJ. Oh, you're a little spirit.

Speaker 38 No.

Speaker 3 No. Okay.

Speaker 41 Would you want a little bite?

Speaker 35 And you can just have a little bite.

Speaker 43 AJ, would you please split it?

Speaker 34 AJ. please.

Speaker 4 Okay, no, okay, I'm doing it.

Speaker 11 No, eat it all yourself.

Speaker 41 Oh, my gosh, this is so good.

Speaker 16 Uncross your arms, AJ.

Speaker 24 Are you rolling your eyes?

Speaker 14 Jen, thank you.

Speaker 16 Thank you for

Speaker 16 all that you do on this planet.

Speaker 41 Well, no, I don't, don't, you know, I'm just a mom. You know, at the end of the day, I'm just a mom.
You know, no, the thanks.

Speaker 6 You are a rottis.

Speaker 16 You are a rottis. And don't literally let anyone tell you otherwise.

Speaker 41 Thank you. I mean, you know, aren't all moms rottesses? I am actually a rottis and a mom, but aren't we all

Speaker 15 haven't you more so than most of you?

Speaker 9 Literally,

Speaker 2 literally.

Speaker 41 I mean, you're all-knowing. Sure.

Speaker 8 This planet

Speaker 12 would not exist. It would be a barren rock without you.
That's right.

Speaker 41 Kirkland would not be here.

Speaker 16 As a mom of so many people, you sort of keep Kirkland in business, as it were.

Speaker 30 Yeah, I do.

Speaker 41 Oh, I definitely keep it in business.

Speaker 41 Yeah, Dar, how are you feeling? I mean, do you want some water? How much water have you had today?

Speaker 24 I should be drinking water?

Speaker 41 Yes, you should be drinking 72 ounces of water a day.

Speaker 16 Dar species drink sand, actually.

Speaker 41 Oh, well, do you need some sand?

Speaker 24 I

Speaker 24 guess I just hadn't thought that I. I just hadn't.

Speaker 24 Where is this all written down? You know, like,

Speaker 24 where's the pamphlet?

Speaker 41 I know.

Speaker 24 Or is it a book? Because I don't really have time for a book, but

Speaker 24 where can I synthesize this knowledge? Could you, could I just live here? Could you just could I just stay here and you could just tell me how I'm supposed to do this?

Speaker 38 Dar, we can't impose on Jan anymore.

Speaker 41 Dar, I have all the answers. I know the future.

Speaker 24 Thank Radis. So let's hear it.

Speaker 41 But I don't want to take away your journey. If I tell you everything,

Speaker 41 then you can't experience your journey in the moment. And that's what I've had to say to a lot of my children, you know, Toad especially.

Speaker 41 You know, you're a reptile. You have to live in the lake with other reptiles.
You literally need the water to survive.

Speaker 41 But, you know, Dar, the thing is, is that everyone is different. Every species is different.

Speaker 24 My body, I've been told my body should look a certain way at this point.

Speaker 30 Dar, where did you hear that?

Speaker 24 Well, I follow a lot of different mom vlogs.

Speaker 24 A very, a particularly opinionated mommy vlogger believes that, you know, every

Speaker 24 gestating body should look a certain way, and mine does not look that way, so I've been freaking out a little bit.

Speaker 16 You don't even know what species the other parent is. You can't put those expectations on yourself.

Speaker 24 When you're doing this alone, you just kind of get trapped in your own apparently very small head, very, very tiny.

Speaker 20 Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 11 I get trapped in my helmet and some guns.

Speaker 16 I think that's a different issue, AJ.

Speaker 11 Maybe, I think maybe your head doesn't have the right pressure lock on right now. Yeah, sometimes it's trap and a mechanism.

Speaker 11 Are those on tight? Are your head straps on?

Speaker 12 Okay, AJ, you can see.

Speaker 9 Are your head straps on?

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 24 Okay, so it's fine.

Speaker 41 Yeah, I'm actually fine. It's gonna be fine.

Speaker 24 We're fine.

Speaker 16 Dar, darn, dar,

Speaker 6 your head is growing again.

Speaker 24 Huh, I'm filling out.

Speaker 20 Wow.

Speaker 27 I really honestly shouldn't have been worried. I was probably worrying myself into freaking out even more, and this is why my body.

Speaker 16 You know, Jan, I really, uh, I hate to even ask you this, but I know you got a lot going on on your planet here. Really?

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 you do. You do.

Speaker 41 It's just as much as any mom has going on.

Speaker 43 It's not.

Speaker 2 We're all juggling a lot of balls in the air.

Speaker 16 I mean, it almost seems silly, but the rest of the galaxy is in danger.

Speaker 41 Who's in danger? Wait, Toad?

Speaker 22 No, no, the rest of the galaxy.

Speaker 16 What did he do? The rest of the galaxy.

Speaker 43 David, did he eat the planet?

Speaker 2 No, no.

Speaker 16 Every planet except this one.

Speaker 41 Josh, because you know, he puts up a strong front. He's a cop, but really, he's.

Speaker 30 Josh is really fine.

Speaker 9 Josh is going to be fine.

Speaker 16 Josh is going to be fine.

Speaker 22 Because who's in trouble?

Speaker 16 Everyone, literally, everyone.

Speaker 20 It's not my fault. No, no, no.

Speaker 20 no, no, no.

Speaker 9 What did I do?

Speaker 16 Chan, listen,

Speaker 16 there's an emperor, okay? There's a new emperor, and your name was on a list of dissidents.

Speaker 41 Yeah, the emperor. I'm very familiar with him.
When we met at a PTA meeting, Planetary Teachers Association.

Speaker 47 That's right.

Speaker 41 The Emperor has, you know, he's just pulled a lot of strings that have affected my children.

Speaker 41 Yeah, they had some, you know, all his kids got into

Speaker 41 PS-19.

Speaker 30 And so then once they

Speaker 41 were PS19, once they all got in.

Speaker 16 Planetary school.

Speaker 37 Planetary school.

Speaker 41 I couldn't get any of my kids in.

Speaker 30 Awesome.

Speaker 41 And yeah, and then, you know, there were some auditions for some local community theater.

Speaker 41 And they were rigged. And

Speaker 35 yeah,

Speaker 41 his children, well, it was all of his kids were the leading roles.

Speaker 41 And Toad, for instance, who, listen, has a great voice.

Speaker 41 Well, he was

Speaker 41 bunny number two.

Speaker 16 That's

Speaker 41 two.

Speaker 41 In the chorus.

Speaker 2 Sure. Very cool.

Speaker 35 I mean, I cried.

Speaker 41 And he also

Speaker 41 murdered his best friends and destroyed the rebellion.

Speaker 16 Yeah, I mean, that's sort of my big grievance with him, but kind of that's just my perspective. Listen, you know, I hate to even ask you to do a single thing more than you're already doing.

Speaker 39 I'm available. But, well, okay.

Speaker 16 If there's anything you could give us, you know, just with your sort of omniscience, kind of give us anything that would help us out in our battle against the Emperor.

Speaker 41 Okay, all right, I do. I have, I'm, I'm having my downtime.
You know, I am somewhat more relaxed.

Speaker 41 The kids are sleeping on this side of the planet. All right, uh, I'm thinking and I'm seeing it's a password.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow, that looks

Speaker 2 useful.

Speaker 9 Great.

Speaker 41 Uh, the password is

Speaker 41 Bumpy

Speaker 41 Road

Speaker 41 168

Speaker 2 capital B capital R

Speaker 41 so capital B lowercase umpi capital R lowercase

Speaker 6 168 168

Speaker 41 that's the password that you need

Speaker 16 this is huge is it

Speaker 41 stop you know this is honestly no one else could have done this it's not a big deal elsewhere can you tell us what Bargie did yeah I I don't I don't feel comfortable actually repeating it it's not

Speaker 41 I don't think it's something I

Speaker 30 oof. Yeah, sure.

Speaker 44 You know what I mean?

Speaker 16 Yeah, that's pretty much what we're saying.

Speaker 41 I wish I didn't. As soon as I wish I wasn't all-knowing.

Speaker 16 Yeah,

Speaker 16 gotcha.

Speaker 41 Just stay away from any horny doctors.

Speaker 20 Okay, yeah, no.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 41 Okay. Yeah.
All right. Steer clear.
Thanks. And that's advice I give all my children.
Sure.

Speaker 36 Oh, okay.

Speaker 35 All right.

Speaker 41 Ah, that's the west side of the planet. I got to go.
I got a lot of kids.

Speaker 21 I got to get off to school.

Speaker 41 Oh, this is Pack Your Own Lunch Day. So I gotta make a lot of lunches.
Oh, boy. I gotta get everybody up.
I gotta get everybody dressed. It's also that, I think it's Crazy Hair Day.

Speaker 41 So I gotta tell you.

Speaker 16 You gotta tell your kids who are in charge of these school days to give you a break.

Speaker 41 Well, it's, you know, it's Spirit Week. What am I gonna say?

Speaker 41 It was so much fun.

Speaker 51 Spirit week, rules.

Speaker 20 Yeah. AJ.

Speaker 16 AJ, stop eating her food.

Speaker 20 That is for her.

Speaker 16 She's in the middle of talking to her.

Speaker 41 It's fine. It's fine.

Speaker 41 If he's hungry, he might be really hungry. He might be growing through a growth spurt.

Speaker 20 AJ, he's not.

Speaker 16 Nermit, great news.

Speaker 16 The trip to Kirkland was a success.

Speaker 16 We have incredibly valuable information in the form of a Zima Prime membership password.

Speaker 9 No way!

Speaker 34 Oh, man.

Speaker 15 Jam really came through. It's

Speaker 36 not Jam?

Speaker 15 Not Jan, Yan.

Speaker 16 Jam. Yeah, you should update that pronunciation.

Speaker 20 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 12 That's a hard jack.

Speaker 30 Also, technically, we have 9 million people who are

Speaker 9 willing to fight against the answer.

Speaker 16 You know, we have sort of like a, I would say, kind of like a suburban passive aggression behind us.

Speaker 16 If we need it.

Speaker 37 Alright, let's try that now.

Speaker 15 Also, lots of huge bags of tertiic.

Speaker 16 And like a tub.

Speaker 2 How much?

Speaker 16 Tubs of peanut butter-filled pretzel bites. Wow.

Speaker 23 Wow, cool.

Speaker 31 How big a bag of the chips are you talking about? What do you mean?

Speaker 16 Bigger than you could ever get through before they went stale.

Speaker 31 Are you saying like twice the size of the size I'm imagining?

Speaker 30 Yes. Wow.

Speaker 9 Easily.

Speaker 23 That's so big.

Speaker 22 Alright, alright, alright.

Speaker 16 Let's give it a shot.

Speaker 16 Try the password.

Speaker 2 Alright, here we go.

Speaker 31 Nubs crossed.

Speaker 22 Capital B, umpy, capital R, O'D

Speaker 9 168.

Speaker 16 Alright guys.

Speaker 20 Oh,

Speaker 2 we are in.

Speaker 9 Oh wow.

Speaker 9 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, very important other part.

Speaker 18 This time is for the role of a person who once saw a person

Speaker 18 get eaten alive.

Speaker 18 You go first.

Speaker 16 Bargie, we're sort of on.

Speaker 18 You're playing the role of already doctor.

Speaker 16 Oh, no.

Speaker 22 How many of these films are there?

Speaker 2 Also, Bargie, we received some very knowledgeable advice that you should avoid these pictures.

Speaker 18 Who said that?

Speaker 9 The oracle.

Speaker 18 What does she know? She knows the future?

Speaker 27 She probably knows that horny doctors are out and it's all about horny lawyers now.

Speaker 18 Oh, good, because that's for my next clip.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 10 I'll read with you. I can read with you.

Speaker 30 AJ.

Speaker 30 Huh.

Speaker 30 Ojection.

Speaker 16 That was good.

Speaker 10 Your Honor.

Speaker 10 I have an

Speaker 10 Erection.

Speaker 10 Eric?

Speaker 9 Oh, I need to.

Speaker 18 I probably should mention

Speaker 18 it's. My role has no blinds, so it's just all facial.

Speaker 18 But this is a monologue.

Speaker 22 Wait, facial?

Speaker 17 I mean, it's all like, and like it's all reaction changes. It's all reaction changes.

Speaker 6 You don't have a face.

Speaker 18 Really? Look at me, Link.

Speaker 16 I heard that, but I I'm not looking at whatever.

Speaker 20 Yeah, I don't I'm not seeing what's happening.

Speaker 18 I can hear things clanking outside the ship, but I don't the face of someone who, during a financial boom, decided to deposit money into the wrong hands and then ended up probably going in so deep that she told like a bunch of people to assassinate the head of a cartel and it ended up kinda getting back.

Speaker 18 She never realized that murder is real. Anyway, like, that's this face.

Speaker 15 Margin, that's just your regular face.

Speaker 18 Yeah, so a feature's a monologue.

Speaker 23 Okay.

Speaker 31 This is C-Red IT5555.

Speaker 52 Audits and Attribution Destroyed Commencing outro proto outro out the outro outro Papaple Protocol Papa Papa Pubble Protocol Popper Public Protocol

Speaker 52 Commencing Papa Pluck Public Public Public Papa Pleck Protocol Findo Pop Live will do it.

Speaker 51 Papa Pleck Dex Center was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent.

Speaker 51 Dow was played by Allie Kokash. Marty the Ship, Hallie, and Toad were played by Mujan Zalfagari.
Master Missions Operations Manager Nerman Bondaloy. Philip and Josh were played by Seth Lynn.

Speaker 51 AJ, Sam, and Jeremy will play by Winston Noel. Jan

Speaker 51 was played by special guest Morgan Grace Jarrett. Morgan is an actress and improviser at the Upright Citizens Brigade in New York City.

Speaker 51 Her credits include Broad City, Late Night with Seth Myers, The Affair, and The Chris Gethin Show. This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent and with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Speaker 51 Recorded at Braun Studios in Brooklyn, New York. Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by famed Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.
Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Cratchley.

Speaker 51 And chip design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Boyce.

Speaker 2 Audio hosting by Simple Ads.

Speaker 41 Mission to Zix is a private member of the Maxwell Bund Network.

Speaker 4 Find Stefan!

Speaker 53 Hey, I'm Janet Varney, and like many of you, some more recent than others, I used to be a teenager. In fact, just about all of my friends were too, including wonderful women like Allison Bree.

Speaker 19 I'm dead center on the balance beam. And this is like a big gym.
All the kids' parents are there watching. I have to stop.

Speaker 19 Like, you know, when you have to pee so bad and you can't even move, and then I just go. I just leave right in the middle of the high balance piece.

Speaker 53 So join me every week on the JV Club podcast, where I speak with complicated, funny, messy humans as we reminisce about our adolescences and how they led us to becoming who we are.

Speaker 53 Find it every Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Speaker 54 Dead Pilots Society brings you exclusive readings of comedy pilots that were never made, featuring actors like Patton Oswalt.

Speaker 50 So the vampire from the future sleeps in the dude's studio during the day and they hunt monsters at night. It's Blade meets the odd couple.

Speaker 54 Adam Scott and Jane Levy.

Speaker 5 Come on, Corey.

Speaker 55 She's too serious, too business-y. She doesn't know the hokey-pokey.

Speaker 2 She'll learn what it's all about.

Speaker 54 Busy Phillips and Dave Kechner.

Speaker 50 Maybe this is family.

Speaker 55 My uncle Tell, who showed his wiener to Cinderella at Disneyland, is family.

Speaker 41 Do you want him staying with us?

Speaker 50 He did stay with us for three months. And he was a delight.

Speaker 54 A new pilot every month, only on Dead Pilot Society for maximum fun.

Speaker 53 MaximumFun.org.

Speaker 54 Comedy and culture.

Speaker 16 Artist-owned, audience-supported.

Speaker 34 Yeah, so I do that. Jan, you are a wonder.

Speaker 13 You're erratis.

Speaker 41 Listen, I'm just

Speaker 41 every mother.

Speaker 34 I'm every mother.

Speaker 20 It's all in me.

Speaker 12 Welcome, baby.

Speaker 41 I haven't listened to music in so many years.

Speaker 28 It's a shame. It's a good song.