309: Jan with a Van [ft. Morgan Grace Jarrett]

It is a time of fear and unrest.

Emperor Nermit Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist and also a planet crusher.

Crusher.

Now, Zema Knight Pleck Dexetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat whackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This is Mission to Sink.

What are you doing with me, Das?

Are you reading more?

Yeah, I love it so much.

Now that I learned how to read, I'm reading all the time.

What do you think you enjoy?

You know, the great books.

And I'm really into the classics right now.

Pat the Garfun, Goodnight Forest Moon, Peter, you know, where he goes and he tries to steal some of the

robots from Farmer McGregor.

You know, just classics like that.

These are you're reading children's books.

Well, I guess if you consider one GURP, two GURP, red GURP, blue GURP a children's book, then yeah, I'm reading children's books.

I mean, C-53, he is only five.

He's only five years old.

I don't want to, you know, belittle him.

Sure, these are classic children.

Hey, hey, who's free?

Who's free right now?

I'm pretty free, Barchie.

Why are you?

I need help with a self-tape for an audition.

Wait, Bartie?

What?

What?

Yeah, I'll print out the sides.

No, Bartie.

No, No, Bargie, I thought you were on the lamb.

You can't be auditioning for me.

I think I'm ready to go back.

The last time I talked to you, you were actively avoiding scrutiny from anyone.

The thing is, it's been enough time, okay?

I spent way too much time dealing with being a criminal, with all the things I've done, you know, feeling ashamed and bad and sad.

I'm ready, I'm ready for my comeback tour.

But you never, you never apologized at all.

Fine, that's good.

It's my apology tour.

My tour of all the places where I can audition.

You're only touring places where you can audition for Halloween?

Yeah, yeah.

Roger, you know, part of redemption is, you know, being proactive about making the things that you did better.

Definitely.

100%.

Anyway, uh, horny doctor's first line.

Yeah, I'll do it.

I'm kidding.

Shit.

Change

the

geese.

No.

Change the goues, girls.

I knew it.

AJ, I thought you could read.

I I can't read.

I'm reading.

I mean, what's how's this not reading?

Is there a horny doctor up here on the ship?

I need to see a a doctor.

Dar, wha come out of your room.

What's going on?

No, actually, no.

No, it's a it's a it's an audition.

Dar, there's no there's no doctor on the ship.

Gauze?

It doesn't look like it's gauze.

It really sounds like it was a horny doctor.

I haven't even said my line yet.

Dar, I don't know what's going on in there, but uh, the midnight camera comes equipped with some pretty high-end first-aid subroutines.

Should you need any medical attention?

Dar, what?

I'm sorry.

This is Dar, this probably is super normal that your head is so small and your body so large.

Nope, no, this is not normal.

This is um uh too too soon.

I'm I'm not fully into the fifth octomester, and

I shouldn't look like this.

I shouldn't look what the books.

The books don't say it.

Dara, are you okay?

I mean, do you feel alright?

I mean, everything still feels fine.

It just feels like my body moved on a little too quickly.

Like, I...

Alright, so none of these are lines that the horny doctor is saying, so this is not helping.

I'm sorry.

AJ, I'll do it.

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

Alright, I'll do it.

Alright.

Change the gauze on that hatch, or I'll do it for you.

Don't worry about it, Horndock.

I killed too many people in my time.

You've killed people,

but you've brought me to life right here.

Burgie, what kind of hollows?

I don't know if I like this, Burgie.

This is pretty horny.

Yeah, I mean, I just read what's on the page.

It was only one line, so.

Thank you.

I'll send it now.

Oh, I have to sleep.

Hi, uh, it's Budgetary Jay.

You know what I did.

But I'm back.

Budgie, we still don't know what you did.

Alright, we'll be the lunch.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Nerma, you're inside.

Yeah, that doesn't look like you're next.

Yeah, yeah, I'm just at the parents' house.

They had to help them like reset the router.

Nerman, no, you can finish your vegetables.

No, Mom, I'm working.

I'm doing

how important it is to eat your vegetables.

You know how important it is to take down the Emperor?

Nerma, do you have the router working again?

I had to pause on that for one second because I have to assign a mission.

Remember, I'm a missions operations manager of the master level?

Nerma, the the internet doesn't work.

Nerma, you can finish rebooting the router and call us back.

No, no, no.

Because we're trying to stream a program, Nerma.

Can you wait, like, one minute?

I have the mission to that.

How do you make this picture on my phone bigger?

You literally move your fingers apart.

I don't get it.

No, you're you spread your fingers apart.

Well, that's what she's doing.

She's not touching the phone.

She's near the phone.

While touching the screen, I don't.

Nermit,

you guys stop calling us when you have other shit.

No, no, no.

I told them that I was I needed a break from chores.

Just then wait till the break has started.

I did.

Guys, I have a mission.

Mission time.

Like the enthusiasm, AJ.

All right,

all right.

I've been looking through the list of dissidents that we got during the wedding, and one of the names stood out.

Okay.

Jan

is

an oracle.

Jan is probably the most powerful entity on this list of dissidents.

This is the first place that we should go to attract incredibly powerful support in our quest to take on the army.

Nerman, what do you mean, oracle?

You mean like a hole?

What?

What?

Isn't an oracle a hole in the ground?

You're just thinking of a hole.

Huh.

Alright.

I'm gonna check it out.

Yeah,

you could

look that up.

Just walked into the cargo bay.

I would decider an oracle is somebody with precognitive abilities.

They could potentially give us future information about the emperor.

They could help us in ways we don't even fully understand.

Maybe they could help us understand why my head is so small.

I thought I'd pig.

But I'm not actually supposed to be my fifth octopus yet.

What?

Yeah, Dar, something's going on with Dar.

We got the so-called Oracle vote.

Dar, are you okay, so baby?

Nermit, Nermit, Nermit, put that book down.

You don't need to make a nest right now.

Okay, I'm nesting.

Yep, yep, yep, I'm tearing it up.

I'm tearing it up.

Nermit.

Nermit, that is one of

that is a first edition copy of One Gerb, Two Gerb, Red Gerb, Blue Gerb.

I need to nest.

I'm nesting, guys.

Something recorded to Kirkland.

Kirkland?

Kirkland, the home of Jan.

Thank you, Nermit.

Dar, stay strong.

I'm always strong.

Nermit, if I want to send this picture as an attacker.

See 53, you gotta disconnect this paperclip icon.

Disconnecting?

I was thinking Orifice.

That's what I was thinking.

Tidings your immeasurable whackness.

Head Toady Bordoff here with good news.

And

some bad, but first the good.

My Imperial shuttle is fueled and spotless.

Ready to transport a brigade to Mop Up.

After our wicked trap undoubtedly eliminates that meddling crew of interlopers in the Zek Squadron.

For the bad news?

well,

it seems that our enemies on the fresh side are equipped with socks of higher quality than we imagined possible.

They're called bombas, you see.

And they're designed to be the most comfortable socks in the history of feet.

Which is, uh, hang on.

Wow, my calculator doesn't even go that high.

Anyways, lots of years of feet.

And the problem is this, you see, bombas are made from super soft, natural cotton, and then every pair comes with arch support, a seamless toe, and a cushioned footbed that's comfy, but not too thick.

I know, I know, we need them.

And do not worry, your gnarliness.

I will gain us access to these powerful socks.

If only one could buy them today

at bombus.com slash zix or something and get 20% off your first order.

That would be perfect.

I would totally go to bombus.com/slash zix ZYXX for 20% off these incredible socks.

Wait.

No.

For every purchase of Bombus, they donate a pair to someone in need?

That's not whack.

That's completely fresh.

Flashed!

Would that they were at bombus.com slash zix!

I guess not what I expected out of a planet.

Let's go to an oracle.

I feel like most of our, you know, we usually land in a capital city or something, but it it this spaceport, it sort of seems to be in like a residential area.

Are you guys here for soccer or what?

Are you here to pick us up?

No, no, no, no.

We've been waiting and no one

hasn't picked us up yet.

No one's picked us up.

I scored a goal.

Oh, congratulations.

Thanks.

I'm sorry.

Is there someone

else?

Is there an adult?

Hold, hold.

Get in the car.

Get in the car.

What are you doing talking to strangers?

Mom, you're late.

You said you were at business about 4:30, and it's literally like 4:44.

Okay, okay, listen.

Literally.

I cannot keep track of the tank.

Okay, my BitFit broke, okay, if you must know.

You want to know who broke it?

Guess.

Guess who broke it?

Danielle.

Todd.

Both of them broke it.

Both of them.

Danielle broke it.

Todd flushed it down the toilet.

Listen, get in the car.

Stop talking to strangers.

Get in the car.

Sorry, miss.

It looks like you're very busy.

I just have a little bit of a bad thing.

What, you didn't?

You didn't mean to almost kidnap my kids?

Oh, no.

Cut them to their stock.

No, no, no, no, no, no, not at all.

We hate children.

We would never want to kidnap them.

Welcome to the club.

Yeah.

I just have a quick question.

Real quick, real quick.

There doesn't seem to be any sort of official here at the spaceport.

We're looking for the oracle.

Yeah, I'm the oracle.

I'm Jan.

Jan?

We're actually looking for Jan.

It's just Jan.

I'm Jan, and I'm an oracle, and these are my kids.

These are all my children.

Wait, you're...

Mama?

Yes.

Mama, I got a piece.

Okay,

just go in your diaper.

It's fine.

Just forget the potty training thing we've been working on.

Just go.

Sorry, Jan.

You are the oracle on the planet.

Yep, that's me.

Okay.

I got a lot going on.

I thought it was Jan.

How is it spelled?

Uh, J-A-N.

Okay, that seems like a nermit misconception.

Yeah, then I'm going to be a little bit.

Yeah, could you pronounce the planet?

Kirkland?

Oh, okay.

This is Kirkland.

Kirkland, yeah.

No, you're just.

What are you doing here?

I'm trying to be at the I'm at the spaceport, just hanging out with my friends.

Jeremy?

What?

Jeremy, take off those sunglasses immediately.

Take off those.

Those are not yours.

Take them off right now.

Listen, Chan, I'm sorry.

We actually are

here to speak to the oracle.

It looks like you're pretty busy.

Should we come back?

When would be a less busy time for me?

You tell me.

I have 9 million children.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes.

What, Mom?

Sorry.

Sorry, I ran over from the other part of town.

Philip and I are getting a divorce.

Oh, man.

And I don't, and it's like, is it me?

Is it him?

It's me.

It's me, right?

No, no, no.

Listen, Haley,

it is not you.

It's you.

Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, must be Philip.

Haley and I are getting a divorce.

Philip?

Yeah.

Philip.

Yeah.

It's not Haley.

Yeah.

What?

Thank you, Mom.

Listen, Philip, you've always been difficult, like,

to just...

I suppose on a planet of 9 million of your children, that's to be expected.

Yeah,

Sam is doing it.

Hello.

Hi, Sam.

Wait, that decrepit old lawyer is your son?

It's been a while.

Hey, that's my brother you're talking about.

That's my divorce lawyer and my brother.

At least the Jane looks amazing and ethereal, and he looked like a broom.

He did, he did.

He looked like a very well-polished broom.

That broom passed the bar.

He did.

He did.

I'm sorry, Chan.

He should probably go and come back.

I feel like you're right in the middle of the.

Okay.

Oh, well.

Yeah, that that hurts.

That hurts my feelings.

But you know what?

I can only do what I can do.

I only have so many hands.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

Come, come, come.

Okay, and here's a

bottle

of star dust.

Okay, well, if we can't go, can we can we help you at all?

Is there anything we can do to kind of

yeah, uh, actually,

thank you, yeah, uh, that'd be great.

Um,

AJ, why would that

the first thing you think of?

Please don't.

Oh, no, no, we, um, can you put that away, actually?

Uh, I don't want any of my children to have any visuals of guns.

I don't even allow uh,

look at this picture I drew, that gun I just saw.

Yeah, it was like who you just get.

That's where it starts.

Uh, Jeremy, what?

Get that cigarette out of your mouth right this second.

Get that cigarette out of your mouth.

He ate it.

He ate the cigarette.

I was going to make him eat it as a form of punishment, but he enjoyed it.

Be careful.

She'll lord that over you for the rest of your life.

Okay.

Oh, you used to smoke.

I did.

Oh, that's why you look like a broom.

You guys can help me.

Listen, here's a list.

Here's a list.

Okay, I need you to go to the grocery store.

Just get everything on this list.

Okay, I'm doing some crock pot meals

and some freezer meals, some meal planning, and I don't think I'm gonna have time to get the

grocery store.

Can you do that for me?

Okay, yeah.

We heard that you were awful

so you can see the future.

Yeah, I am.

Yeah, oh, I

mean, I know everything, but um.

And could you tell me then why my head is so small, but my body is so big?

Um,

you know, I'm just so tired, is the thing.

I'm just,

I know everything, I see everything.

Of course, right.

But I am exhausted.

And I am expecting I'm a new

they're expecting.

Yeah.

Oh.

Congratulations.

It's the best time of your life.

Are you glowing?

No, I'm actually freaking out because my head is so small, my body is so big, and I'm not supposed to be in my fifth octomester at this point.

I should still be in my fourth octomester.

I should

still be all tiny.

Are you seeing a midwife?

No.

Should I?

Are you seeing a midwife?

Are you seeing a doula?

No, should I?

Are you seeing an OBGYN?

No, should I?

Are you seeing a shaman?

Oh, I had honestly thought that that was not a good idea.

It probably isn't.

Mama, Mama, yes, baby.

I'm sick.

You're sick?

Can you just help me clean it up?

That would really...

Just grab, grab some, uh, grab some of these.

But you're saying if you were a little less tired, you would know how to help me.

Yeah, I mean, look, I can, you know, I can,

you know, I can look into it.

I've got, I've just, I've got a few more kids to pick up from spring practice.

I can go there.

And then, okay, and I gotta get these, this food and the crock pot.

And then, uh, I'm, I gotta get, um, these 400 kids, I do have to get to bed by seven.

Wow, okay.

Where are the dads?

Uh, AJ, that doesn't really.

What did I say?

Did I say something wrong?

It's just very personal.

If I had to guess anything, but where are the dads?

You know, shouldn't there be dads?

What?

I mean, I am a clo, but I have been conditioned to realize realize that a normal family is a mother, a father, children, one red girb.

Okay.

One blue girb.

AJ, listen, one of the things you gotta learn on this job is that we're gonna go to planets that have totally different, you know, society structures, cultures.

And part of diplomacy is being able to, you know, kind of figure that out.

Okay,

you have to put that away, AJ.

Can you please put that pen away?

I okay.

Look at the shaving I was able to do on this gun while I had it out.

No, Matthew, put that drawing away.

Okay, no more can't.

I know you guys came here for a reason or whatever.

I want to help you.

I just, I obviously have a lot going on.

I'm in over my head.

You know, I am Noracle.

I've got 9 million kids, and.

You look great.

Well, thank you.

I do the 30-day shred

every time.

30 days, that adds up.

It's gonna be a friend.

But yes, you know, it's just a lot of needs.

AJ, you know what?

Here is this shopping list.

How about you?

Do you see that grocery store across the street?

Yeah.

How about you go grab us some groceries?

Let's go shopping, baby.

Look at loading.

You definitely can't bring that into the...

I will take that.

I'll take that.

Yep, and let me take the button that takes the gun out of your butt.

Let me take it.

Alright, take it.

Alright.

Alright, get in the cart.

Get back in the cart.

Jan, should we actually come with you?

Would that be easier?

Jan, how does the society work here on Kirkland?

Did you build this city or did your kids build it?

Yeah, I essentially built it.

You know, I started having children, oh, I don't know how many years ago was it?

I've got nine million kids.

I've got

the 80s maybe.

And, you know,

next thing you know, here I am,

all these kids.

And just trying to keep keep my head above the water.

And, you know, I love them.

I love all of them.

It's hard.

That's very obvious, you know.

I know every kid is different, but I can tell you really connected with all of them.

There's a lot of care.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mama!

Mama!

Just ignore him.

Just ignore him.

It's just.

That's Toad.

That's Toad.

And just.

He's fine.

He's fine.

I guess I didn't really understand that.

I thought all of your kids were the same species.

No, no.

Some of them are reptiles.

And when that happens, they go and live in the lake.

And they're not 100% my responsibility because they are reptiles.

They take care of each other.

But Toad has just sort of insisted that he stick with

wits, I would say.

Flies?

Not flies.

Yeah, yeah.

Do you want to go to the lake and get some flies?

Flies!

wait so Jan if if you're the mother of the reptiles and stuff are you the mother of like the plants and yes I gave birth to everything on this planet so anything you see all the plant life all um

all the air

wow there was no air here before you got here there was no air i had to make it a more a more um

jan i really feel like you've created a a really big happy family here Yeah, you know, I think I have.

I think I have.

Jane, did you do more oracling before you had kids to yourself?

Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah, I had a life before kids.

Okay.

I think I looked a little different.

I had a little more energy.

I had a little more know,

all-knowing knowledge and power.

Okay, but now I've got mom brain.

Yeah, that's true.

I don't even know how much gas I have in this thing.

I feel like you maybe need a little bit of help here, Jen,

around the planet.

No, no, no, no.

I've got this.

I've got this.

No one's gonna do it like I'm gonna do it, okay?

Sure.

I've got everything under control.

Okay, that may be true, but it just seems like a lot of work for one.

Even a rottenist like yourself, I'll be doing it.

I can do it.

No, I can do it.

If I know I'm doing it, then I just know I'm doing it right, you know?

Yeah, that makes sense.

The laundry's getting done the exact way that I do the laundry.

But you know, it's sometimes you gotta, you know, if you love something, you gotta set it free, as they say.

Also, delegating.

Delegating is a great way.

Failure?

I'm sorry?

Mom failure?

Delegating is a mom failure.

Oh, that's what I heard when you said delegating.

Mom fail.

Wow, you blew through that stoplight, Jim.

Oh, was there a stoplight?

I don't know.

I'm hardly looking.

Oh.

It's fine.

It's probably one of your kids, right?

It is.

It is my kid that became a cop.

Hey, mom, do you have any idea how fast you were going through that red light?

Uh, I

don't I I don't know, Josh.

Why don't you tell me?

Can you tell me the reason why you're in such a hurry today?

Hey, Josh.

Yeah.

Mom, why don't you step out of the car?

Why don't you finally have you step right out of the car?

You're gonna give me that kind of trouble.

All right, listen.

Do you remember I have done so much for you?

Okay, I have done s do you remember all that tutoring you had?

I do.

Do you m who paid for that tutoring?

You did.

Mom, what do you think if everyone uh everyone here on in Kirkland sped that fast?

You know?

What what kind of society would you have then?

Uh I don't know, Josh, a fast.

You know what, mom?

Society.

I'm gonna let you offer the warning today.

Uh-huh.

Alright, mom, you have yourself a good day.

Let's pay attention to the colors of the lights, and your gas is almost gone.

Okay, great to see you.

Josh seems like a good cop.

Yeah, he's, you know, he's just, he loves rules and, you know, just nothing tough but fair.

Yeah.

He's like, still doing his laundry.

What?

Wait, hold on.

There are adults all over this planet.

Yeah, but you know, sometimes I just, you know, like Josh, he just likes the way that I do his uniform.

And, you know, and I agree.

I, no one really does it the same way.

You have to, do you?

I mean,

he's a gainfully employed person.

No, I don't.

I do it.

I do it.

I just do it.

Okay.

Wow.

AJ.

Thank you.

Yeah, we were going to come back.

You're going to come back.

AJ, AJ, you have a com like in your helmet so you can talk to us when you're when we're not together.

You didn't have to come after us.

I forgot about it to just get us a bunch.

I saw a car pulling up and I was like, Don't leave me!

And I like kept like pushing.

Yeah, well, get in.

Uh, Jen, got the groceries for you while here.

Thank you.

Just put them in the back.

Why don't we do it for dinner?

AJ, we're not gonna stick around for dinner.

Jen's very dinner.

No, you can.

You can stay for dinner.

Oh, no.

No, no.

Ranch Garfund.

That sounds good.

Okay, not interesting.

No, we should stay.

You can stay, yes.

She's saying we can stay.

No, stay.

It's fine.

It's fine.

I don't think

it feels like we're giving you another thing that you have to be responsible for.

Yeah, we tried to help you.

That's my job.

Yeah, I mean, no, you guys have helped us.

I mean, guys, she's saying that we can stay.

Jan,

we will accept your invitation to dinner, but only on the circumstance that we do all the work.

Well, the dinner's already made.

It's been in the crock pot since 9 a.m.

Okay, but you have to let us set the table.

Okay, you have to let us do the dishes.

You have to let us wash all the kids' hands.

Okay, yeah, I can

delegate.

Yeah, um,

mm-hmm.

Yeah, you guys, yeah.

Hey, Darling.

Yeah, Jenna, you're all right.

It's just, you know, washing all the kids' hands is a special thing that we do together.

We see hands-on.

We don't have to wash it.

We're gonna be washing, washing, washing, bubbles, bubbles, bubbles, and hands, hands, and I don't know what to do.

So I just, yeah, I just feel like that's something I need to do.

Totally fine, totally fine, totally fine.

He dared me to!

He dared me to give him peanuts!

Okay, alright, so anybody'd actually give me the peanuts.

Does anybody have a

peppy pin?

Do you have a compartment here?

Can you just shoot it into his leg?

You're okay with it.

Yeah, that's right.

Shoot it into his leg?

Okay.

Right.

Should be all better.

Mom.

Oh.

Why did he get a peppy pin?

I want a peppy pin.

Do you have any more peppy pins?

Can you give him all peppy pins?

I want a peppy pin.

Just give him all peppy pins.

All right.

Well, look at that.

We're here at the swim meet.

Oh, wow.

Great.

Okay, I'm gonna go grab some of the kids and you guys can just make room in the van.

Sure, yeah, sure thing.

Okay, I have to sign them out, so.

I don't know if we're ever gonna get anything out of Jan.

She seems criminally overworked.

Hey, hey, it's our mom's birthday date.

We signed the card.

It's your mom's birthday today?

It's her own birthday.

You think she's gonna make cake?

No, stop.

AJ, come on.

She should not have to make cake.

This is how busy she is on her birthday.

Oh my god, it feels terrible.

Surprise!

It's not a swim meet.

I just picked up some balloons for myself.

It's my birthday, and I threw myself in the panel.

Wait, that's so lovely that you just turned that in your date for yourself.

That's important.

Is it?

Yes, it's not selfish.

No,

it's very important.

I just picked up a few balloons.

Jen, these balloons are for you, right?

Well, I mean, I got them because the kids like them.

Oh, Jen, Chan, oh!

And to dump!

And that was my birthday celebration.

Alright, let's go.

Um, listen, no, no, no, Chan,

I'll just do it.

No, no, no, you insisted on cooking.

Please just let us do the dishwasher.

Literally, it is the least we can do.

I don't use the dishwasher.

I do I hand wash.

It's just I don't like the way the dishwasher.

I don't like the

it gets it makes things look foggy.

Sure.

Sure.

Yeah.

So I just hand wash.

Four servings.

Okay.

And you eat three different plates.

Well, like you stacked them.

That was great.

Do we eat your children?

Is that were those your children?

Those Garfon?

I did.

What?

It was still.

They were delicious.

I just want to say if they were your kids, they were really good.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, we're not eating my children.

Thank you.

No,

we get it chipped in from another planet.

There's...

So Kirkland doesn't have its own farms.

Well, Kirkland has like Kirkland's the name, but then you know,

it's kind of like a generic product that comes in, and we're importing it, and then we're putting the Kirkland name on it.

Sure, yeah, makes it.

It was so good.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I didn't get any, so I don't know.

Jan, you have to eat something.

I'm gonna have a

banana.

Let me make you something.

No,

no, don't make more dishes.

Stop.

No, absolutely not.

Jan, I will make it.

I will wash the dishes myself.

I promise.

Just get me a Slimmy quick.

It's just a can.

Jim, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the chocolate malt chocolate malt.

James, I need to eat a real meal.

Oh, that's fine.

I've been living off slimmy fast for

years and no, I don't know.

Uh, tater tots.

No, that's not.

That's your children's food for children.

Grapes cut in half.

A cup of milk.

Jen, think back before you had kids.

What did you love to eat?

Oh, gosh,

I can't remember.

I can't remember the time.

Well, Jan, I'm just going to whip up something for you.

I was a chef in a previous incarnation.

Allow me to just do this for you.

Okay, I mean,

Oh, what's that alarm sound?

Oh, that's uh, that's just signaling all the children to go to bed.

Can I wait till the next commercial?

Um, okay, alright.

I never learned to self-soothe, so I'm happy to get this story right now.

Alright.

One gurp, two gurp, red gurp, blue gurp.

One gurp, Two gurps?

Four gurps.

Oh, no gurps.

Oh

my.

Wow.

I don't think I want kids.

Darn, I don't think it's

like this for me.

She has nine million kids, darling.

Too many.

I mean, by almost any species, Veterans.

That's extremely high numbers.

And it doesn't count the vegetation or the animals on the planet.

I don't even know how many kids she has.

C-53, listen.

I mean, it's amazing that she can care for this many offspring while also being an oracle.

Jan is incredibly powerful, and we know she hates the Emperor.

We need her help.

No doubt she's extremely powerful, but it just seems like there's a lot of sleep right now, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, it's a lot of work.

Okay, the kids are sleeping.

The kids on this side of the planet are sleeping.

I have 15 minutes before the other side of the planet wakes up and needs to get off to school.

15 more times.

Well, it's 15 minutes.

It is actually a lot of time.

It can get a lot done.

I believe you can go.

I get a lot done in these 15 minutes.

I sleep, I do laundry, I prepare tomorrow's dinner.

So this is the me time.

Alright, AJ, AJ, wake up.

No, AJ, you have...

No, please, Plex, let him sleep.

Alright.

Jane hoped you like garthroom all around.

What is this?

This is just a little something.

It's a recipe.

Created myself.

Holy Rod.

Jan, are you crying?

I'm sorry.

When this is warm,

I just put that on the oven.

It's hot.

Should we make it cold?

Why would we?

No, no, no, no.

Do you want a bite?

Here, everyone, have a bite.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm so

also, I'm full.

I'm full of ranch car fan.

I just, I'm gonna eat this all by myself.

It's for you, Jen.

That's who it's for.

For me.

We can split it if you want.

AJ.

Oh, you're a little spirit.

No.

No.

Okay.

Would you want a little bite?

And you can just have a little bite.

AJ, would you please split it?

AJ.

please.

Okay, no, okay, I'm doing it.

No, eat it all yourself.

Oh, my gosh, this is so good.

Uncross your arms, AJ.

Are you rolling your eyes?

Jen, thank you.

Thank you for

all that you do on this planet.

Well, no, I don't, don't, you know, I'm just a mom.

You know, at the end of the day, I'm just a mom.

You know, no, the thanks.

You are a rottis.

You are a rottis.

And don't literally let anyone tell you otherwise.

Thank you.

I mean, you know, aren't all moms rottesses?

I am actually a rottis and a mom, but aren't we all

haven't you more so than most of you?

Literally,

literally.

I mean, you're all-knowing.

Sure.

This planet

would not exist.

It would be a barren rock without you.

That's right.

Kirkland would not be here.

As a mom of so many people, you sort of keep Kirkland in business, as it were.

Yeah, I do.

Oh, I definitely keep it in business.

Yeah, Dar, how are you feeling?

I mean, do you want some water?

How much water have you had today?

I should be drinking water?

Yes, you should be drinking 72 ounces of water a day.

Dar species drink sand, actually.

Oh, well, do you need some sand?

I

guess I just hadn't thought that I.

I just hadn't.

Where is this all written down?

You know, like,

where's the pamphlet?

I know.

Or is it a book?

Because I don't really have time for a book, but

where can I synthesize this knowledge?

Could you, could I just live here?

Could you just could I just stay here and you could just tell me how I'm supposed to do this?

Dar, we can't impose on Jan anymore.

Dar, I have all the answers.

I know the future.

Thank Radis.

So let's hear it.

But I don't want to take away your journey.

If I tell you everything,

then you can't experience your journey in the moment.

And that's what I've had to say to a lot of my children, you know, Toad especially.

You know, you're a reptile.

You have to live in the lake with other reptiles.

You literally need the water to survive.

But, you know, Dar, the thing is, is that everyone is different.

Every species is different.

My body, I've been told my body should look a certain way at this point.

Dar, where did you hear that?

Well, I follow a lot of different mom vlogs.

A very, a particularly opinionated mommy vlogger believes that, you know, every

gestating body should look a certain way, and mine does not look that way, so I've been freaking out a little bit.

You don't even know what species the other parent is.

You can't put those expectations on yourself.

When you're doing this alone, you just kind of get trapped in your own apparently very small head, very, very tiny.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I get trapped in my helmet and some guns.

I think that's a different issue, AJ.

Maybe, I think maybe your head doesn't have the right pressure lock on right now.

Yeah, sometimes it's trap and a mechanism.

Are those on tight?

Are your head straps on?

Okay, AJ, you can see.

Are your head straps on?

Okay.

Okay, so it's fine.

Yeah, I'm actually fine.

It's gonna be fine.

We're fine.

Dar, darn, dar,

your head is growing again.

Huh, I'm filling out.

Wow.

I really honestly shouldn't have been worried.

I was probably worrying myself into freaking out even more, and this is why my body.

You know, Jan, I really, uh, I hate to even ask you this, but I know you got a lot going on on your planet here.

Really?

No,

you do.

You do.

It's just as much as any mom has going on.

It's not.

We're all juggling a lot of balls in the air.

I mean, it almost seems silly, but the rest of the galaxy is in danger.

Who's in danger?

Wait, Toad?

No, no, the rest of the galaxy.

What did he do?

The rest of the galaxy.

David, did he eat the planet?

No, no.

Every planet except this one.

Josh, because you know, he puts up a strong front.

He's a cop, but really, he's.

Josh is really fine.

Josh is going to be fine.

Josh is going to be fine.

Because who's in trouble?

Everyone, literally, everyone.

It's not my fault.

No, no, no.

no, no, no.

What did I do?

Chan, listen,

there's an emperor, okay?

There's a new emperor, and your name was on a list of dissidents.

Yeah, the emperor.

I'm very familiar with him.

When we met at a PTA meeting, Planetary Teachers Association.

That's right.

The Emperor has, you know, he's just pulled a lot of strings that have affected my children.

Yeah, they had some, you know, all his kids got into

PS-19.

And so then once they

were PS19, once they all got in.

Planetary school.

Planetary school.

I couldn't get any of my kids in.

Awesome.

And yeah, and then, you know, there were some auditions for some local community theater.

And they were rigged.

And

yeah,

his children, well, it was all of his kids were the leading roles.

And Toad, for instance, who, listen, has a great voice.

Well, he was

bunny number two.

That's

two.

In the chorus.

Sure.

Very cool.

I mean, I cried.

And he also

murdered his best friends and destroyed the rebellion.

Yeah, I mean, that's sort of my big grievance with him, but kind of that's just my perspective.

Listen, you know, I hate to even ask you to do a single thing more than you're already doing.

I'm available.

But, well, okay.

If there's anything you could give us, you know, just with your sort of omniscience, kind of give us anything that would help us out in our battle against the Emperor.

Okay, all right, I do.

I have, I'm, I'm having my downtime.

You know, I am somewhat more relaxed.

The kids are sleeping on this side of the planet.

All right, uh, I'm thinking and I'm seeing it's a password.

Oh, wow, that looks

useful.

Great.

Uh, the password is

Bumpy

Road

168

capital B capital R

so capital B lowercase umpi capital R lowercase

168 168

that's the password that you need

this is huge is it

stop you know this is honestly no one else could have done this it's not a big deal elsewhere can you tell us what Bargie did yeah I I don't I don't feel comfortable actually repeating it it's not

I don't think it's something I

oof.

Yeah, sure.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, that's pretty much what we're saying.

I wish I didn't.

As soon as I wish I wasn't all-knowing.

Yeah,

gotcha.

Just stay away from any horny doctors.

Okay, yeah, no.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Steer clear.

Thanks.

And that's advice I give all my children.

Sure.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Ah, that's the west side of the planet.

I got to go.

I got a lot of kids.

I got to get off to school.

Oh, this is Pack Your Own Lunch Day.

So I gotta make a lot of lunches.

Oh, boy.

I gotta get everybody up.

I gotta get everybody dressed.

It's also that, I think it's Crazy Hair Day.

So I gotta tell you.

You gotta tell your kids who are in charge of these school days to give you a break.

Well, it's, you know, it's Spirit Week.

What am I gonna say?

It was so much fun.

Spirit week, rules.

Yeah.

AJ.

AJ, stop eating her food.

That is for her.

She's in the middle of talking to her.

It's fine.

It's fine.

If he's hungry, he might be really hungry.

He might be growing through a growth spurt.

AJ, he's not.

Nermit, great news.

The trip to Kirkland was a success.

We have incredibly valuable information in the form of a Zima Prime membership password.

No way!

Oh, man.

Jam really came through.

It's

not Jam?

Not Jan, Yan.

Jam.

Yeah, you should update that pronunciation.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a hard jack.

Also, technically, we have 9 million people who are

willing to fight against the answer.

You know, we have sort of like a, I would say, kind of like a suburban passive aggression behind us.

If we need it.

Alright, let's try that now.

Also, lots of huge bags of tertiic.

And like a tub.

How much?

Tubs of peanut butter-filled pretzel bites.

Wow.

Wow, cool.

How big a bag of the chips are you talking about?

What do you mean?

Bigger than you could ever get through before they went stale.

Are you saying like twice the size of the size I'm imagining?

Yes.

Wow.

Easily.

That's so big.

Alright, alright, alright.

Let's give it a shot.

Try the password.

Alright, here we go.

Nubs crossed.

Capital B, umpy, capital R, O'D

168.

Alright guys.

Oh,

we are in.

Oh wow.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, very important other part.

This time is for the role of a person who once saw a person

get eaten alive.

You go first.

Bargie, we're sort of on.

You're playing the role of already doctor.

Oh, no.

How many of these films are there?

Also, Bargie, we received some very knowledgeable advice that you should avoid these pictures.

Who said that?

The oracle.

What does she know?

She knows the future?

She probably knows that horny doctors are out and it's all about horny lawyers now.

Oh, good, because that's for my next clip.

Yeah.

I'll read with you.

I can read with you.

AJ.

Huh.

Ojection.

That was good.

Your Honor.

I have an

Erection.

Eric?

Oh, I need to.

I probably should mention

it's.

My role has no blinds, so it's just all facial.

But this is a monologue.

Wait, facial?

I mean, it's all like, and like it's all reaction changes.

It's all reaction changes.

You don't have a face.

Really?

Look at me, Link.

I heard that, but I I'm not looking at whatever.

Yeah, I don't I'm not seeing what's happening.

I can hear things clanking outside the ship, but I don't the face of someone who, during a financial boom, decided to deposit money into the wrong hands and then ended up probably going in so deep that she told like a bunch of people to assassinate the head of a cartel and it ended up kinda getting back.

She never realized that murder is real.

Anyway, like, that's this face.

Margin, that's just your regular face.

Yeah, so a feature's a monologue.

Okay.

This is C-Red IT5555.

Audits and Attribution Destroyed Commencing outro proto outro out the outro outro Papaple Protocol Papa Papa Pubble Protocol Popper Public Protocol

Commencing Papa Pluck Public Public Public Papa Pleck Protocol Findo Pop Live will do it.

Papa Pleck Dex Center was played by Alden Ford.

C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent.

Dow was played by Allie Kokash.

Marty the Ship, Hallie, and Toad were played by Mujan Zalfagari.

Master Missions Operations Manager Nerman Bondaloy.

Philip and Josh were played by Seth Lynn.

AJ, Sam, and Jeremy will play by Winston Noel.

Jan

was played by special guest Morgan Grace Jarrett.

Morgan is an actress and improviser at the Upright Citizens Brigade in New York City.

Her credits include Broad City, Late Night with Seth Myers, The Affair, and The Chris Gethin Show.

This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent and with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Recorded at Braun Studios in Brooklyn, New York.

Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by famed Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Cratchley.

And chip design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Boyce.

Audio hosting by Simple Ads.

Mission to Zix is a private member of the Maxwell Bund Network.

Find Stefan!

Hey, I'm Janet Varney, and like many of you, some more recent than others, I used to be a teenager.

In fact, just about all of my friends were too, including wonderful women like Allison Bree.

I'm dead center on the balance beam.

And this is like a big gym.

All the kids' parents are there watching.

I have to stop.

Like, you know, when you have to pee so bad and you can't even move, and then I just go.

I just leave right in the middle of the high balance piece.

So join me every week on the JV Club podcast, where I speak with complicated, funny, messy humans as we reminisce about our adolescences and how they led us to becoming who we are.

Find it every Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Dead Pilots Society brings you exclusive readings of comedy pilots that were never made, featuring actors like Patton Oswalt.

So the vampire from the future sleeps in the dude's studio during the day and they hunt monsters at night.

It's Blade meets the odd couple.

Adam Scott and Jane Levy.

Come on, Corey.

She's too serious, too business-y.

She doesn't know the hokey-pokey.

She'll learn what it's all about.

Busy Phillips and Dave Kechner.

Maybe this is family.

My uncle Tell, who showed his wiener to Cinderella at Disneyland, is family.

Do you want him staying with us?

He did stay with us for three months.

And he was a delight.

A new pilot every month, only on Dead Pilot Society for maximum fun.

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Comedy and culture.

Artist-owned, audience-supported.

Yeah, so I do that.

Jan, you are a wonder.

You're erratis.

Listen, I'm just

every mother.

I'm every mother.

It's all in me.

Welcome, baby.

I haven't listened to music in so many years.

It's a shame.

It's a good song.