307: The Magnificent Kevin [ft. Lou Gonzalez]

It is a time of fear and unrest.

Emperor Nermit Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist and also a planet crusher.

Crusher.

Now, Zima Knight Pleck Dexetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat whackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This is mission to zinc.

Hey, Bargie.

Yeah.

Whoa, are you okay?

Bargie, I was gonna ask, are your lights all functioning properly?

Like, all the lights are blue.

Okay,

all right, AJ, I'm not sure if that's what that means.

No, okay, let's go.

No, put your gun.

No, AJ, what does code blue mean?

So, like, a code red is like, go for it.

Uh-huh.

And as I'm saying it, I realize I've never actually seen a code blue, but I feel like if it's it's probably like a code red.

Yeah,

it's a code.

It's like a code red.

They just do a code red.

Yeah, yeah, right, but we've never had a code.

But listen, I'm just trying.

I mean, just stand stand down, I guess.

All right, sitting down, everyone.

Okay, that's code blue's over.

I don't know who you're talking to.

Bargie, what is going on?

Get wrong.

It is Bargie's going through some code blue right now.

Code blue!

No, it's AJ!

Code Blue!

No, AJ, stop!

You gotta

wait to find out what is a code blue, right?

Alright.

Bargie, can you explain a code blue to us?

Yeah, it's when uh when things in the past that have gone wrong finally get inside of me and I realize what happened and I'm like, oh, I

should be sad.

Oh, so your blue period is a reflective period.

I realized all the people I've wronged in my life, all the cheats I've done.

And also, on top of the cherry, something I haven't dealt with, I've just been keeping it buried inside, is I really miss...

I really miss Bino.

It's like we forgot about Bino.

It's like we stopped talking about Bino.

But that was a person that was inside of me for a while.

And when it goes, you know, it's gone.

But it's...

There's still a memory we gotta cherish.

You can't just forget about it, so.

Archie, everything you are saying right now is resonating with me.

It's just like filling up inside of me.

It's just like bouncing around.

It really makes a lot of sense.

It's resonating with me, too.

Let's lock and load, guys.

Let's get going.

Can I just ask?

Sorry, AJ, I'm sorry to pull over here, but if you rack your rifle twice, what happens?

It's not on anymore.

Oh, so it turns off and on every time?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's why you got to do it again to get it ready.

To be honest, I've forgotten if it's off or on right now.

You should do.

No, I think it's pretty good.

So, during my blue period, I like to reminisce and look back at old clips that used to bring me joy.

And here's a song that I recorded of me and Bino singing while you guys are on somewhat of a dizzy-doo.

I honestly do not know.

Rachel, have you recorded a song with Bino?

Yeah, it's a pretty classy song.

It's not good, or it's great.

I do not know.

Let's put on the clip.

Alright, excited to hear it.

Beano was a beating,

And we're giving

and we are flying so high.

And as we fly,

and we lose all the

stars on you.

Be

Wow,

sort of part bad part bad.

I mean, Bino had actually a pretty nice voice.

Listen, Bargie, we all miss Bino.

I mean, I loved Bino as much as anybody.

Who's Bino?

Well, AJ, Bino.

I mean, who's Bino was a special, a special being who, I mean, honestly, we owe Bino our lives.

Am I saying, is it it Bingo?

Or is it Bino?

Yeah, Bino.

You said it was a Bino.

Listen, AJ, we know Bino, you know, no Bino.

Okay, so you know.

Okay.

But also, I feel a lot of guilt because I have more emotion.

I feel more.

I miss Bino more than I miss my own son.

Is that bad?

Bargie, I think you have some stuff to work through.

Am I a bad ship?

No, actually,

you're a great ship.

I get why you're feeling blue.

I mean, I've been feeling a little down myself.

You know, the Emperor knows our location and sent

dozens maybe of assassins after us.

It's okay to be sad.

I feel worse now.

You made me really worse.

Okay, well.

Yeah, I was amped, but now I'm pretty bummed too.

Papa Dixon here.

I have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager Nermit McCalloy.

Hey,

Nermit.

Nermit, what are you...

What are you doing?

My system of extensions cords came

unhooked, so I had to climb down to the bottom and back up.

And actually, no one's ever scaled this cliff face without ropes.

Nermit, why did you choose now to call us?

Well, I have a mission now.

But you could have just waited until you got back up to the nest to call us before you went down.

Guys, I have this.

Nermit, Nermit,

you are exemplifying great strength right now.

We are all incredibly impressed with your ability to get away from the ball.

Oh, I see what this is.

That makes sense.

This is sort of a

quick aside of all of you while he scales that mountain.

I'm going to continue to entertain this fantasy of his, but you all have to kind of help me out here a little bit.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Nermit, I'll say what we're all thinking.

Yeah.

You are a capable provider.

Thanks, guys.

Thank you, Texas.

That's what I thought you were going to say.

Why don't you just get a solar panel for the top?

Sure, sure.

Well, I mean, all of them.

I will say we were all thinking those things too, but

capable provider, maybe get a solar panel.

Got it.

Okay, so, guys, I'm just going to hang out on this outcropping here for a second.

Okay, let me get this paper out.

I wrote down the mission from earlier.

You know, not worse, not better.

So still bad.

I had never gotten a really close look at their teeth before.

One of them yawned near me and wow.

Anyway, guys, alright, I was scrolling through the missionator databases, and I found an amazing civilization for us to visit.

Okay?

Okay.

Alright, this planet is named Nalka.

Nalka?

Okay.

Does that ring a bell?

Does to me.

Maybe, AJ, do you know the Nalka K-Fighters?

Yeah, the K-Fighters were real, were one of the most efficient fighters in the the entire galaxy.

We had to quash them.

I lost a lot of good

clones.

Or on the flip side, the Nalka was extremely efficient at destroying Clint's.

Nope.

AJ, if you shoot the hollow, it doesn't it doesn't shoot.

Yeah, it doesn't shoot.

Okay.

Oh, I dropped my extension cord.

Oh, boy.

So, Nalka K-Fighter is the most efficient fighter ships in the whole galaxy.

It was used to great effect by the Rebellion.

The K-ship was the ship that blew up the original Planet Crusher.

Absolutely.

Yeah, the K-Fighter.

Extremely well known for its distinctive K-ship.

Yes, because there's that wing that goes vertically from the top and bottom, and then the two-angled on the right and no wings.

We all know what a K-looks like.

We all can read.

So.

Yes, we all can read.

Guys, quick aside, I also think we should continue to be a little supportive of AJ's fantasy here.

You're right.

If we're indulging fantasies, let's indulge in all.

And get this: the reason they they can be mass-produced so well is they're not sentient, and so they can be controlled by that one's rude.

No, but you know what I mean.

One of the best things is that then.

Margie, you have to think of this from a practical perspective.

You know,

and the personnel.

All you need is a pilot and an astrogation droid.

Guys, and I have it on good authority that the residents of Nalka will be receptive to our message.

I actually messaged with them.

You messaged with them.

This is the case where they know you're coming.

Isn't that crazy?

Yes.

Well, actually, yeah, that is kind of crazy.

At least.

You know, Nermit, are they aware we don't have any money to buy a fleet of ships?

I said that to them, and they were like, let's do do business.

Okay.

They just liked the vibe of the communication.

They want to get in on our movement against the Emperor.

Okay.

And so they said, You are, and I quote, most incredibly welcome.

Is it most incredibly welcome?

It seems overeager.

Yeah.

I don't know.

It seems like they're really into us.

Yeah, that makes me nervous, honestly.

I don't know.

Guys, I'm going to send you the coordinates by which I mean I'm going to hold hold this piece of paper up close to the camera that I've written it on.

You can pull this coordinates okay.

Nermit, I feel like every time you call, you got more going on.

Listen, so life's crazy, right?

Yeah, I just feel like, you know, if you came back.

Oh, wow.

I fell a little bit, but I caught myself.

Alright, we'll see you later, Nermit.

Bye-bye.

You know, guys, I mean, I gotta say, you know, if we're gonna try to take down a planet crusher crusher, we're gonna need some fighter ships.

Sounds like this is a real cold blue.

Let's do it.

Let's walk over, burmer!

There's so many locks on that blaster.

Are you ever gonna unlock it?

Pretty locked up.

Pretty locked up right now.

One new message, no encryption detected.

Hey there, Your Excellency.

Ted Ronka here, Ronka Cybernetics Corporation Limited.

I just wanted to let you know that these Enforcer droids are just flying off the assembly line, and they'll be on their way to you via a Ronka brand autonomous freighter in the next 24 hours.

Good golly, I never seen so many reticulating laser cannons in all my life.

And as you know, I invented the Rash Darn things.

When I started Ronka Cybernetics Corporation 42 years ago with a plasma wrench, a couple of circuit boards, and a prayer to the good rod above, I had one mission.

To be the best Rash Darn sex bot and shoot-em-up droid supplier I could be.

I never dreamed that I'd be stamping my signature on G-Series Enforcer droids for the leader of the freak galaxy for Pete's sake.

What an honor.

And I just want to say I'm not much for politics.

Long as regular folks have their everyday freedoms, you're alright by me.

A cube in every humidifier and a sex bot under every sofa bed, that's the galactic dream.

And as far as I'm concerned, you're making this crazy cluster of stars a better place.

Pardon my Juntawa, but check the Federated Alliance is all I have to say.

And whoever you're planning on shooting a few laser holes in is probably asking for it.

And it goes without saying: every one of those killbots comes with the Ronka guarantee.

You feed them a few pancakes, and they will not rest until they've hunted down every last one of your enemies, blasted their cuts against the wall, and pissed oil all over their sorry, rash dang corpses.

That's the Ronka promise.

Any whistle, thanks again for your business and for this obscenely large and deadly order.

You take care now, and my regards to your beautiful family.

Message from me.

Wow, this factory is enormous.

I mean, I guess if you're gonna build thousands of fighters, you gotta have a pretty big facility, huh?

They're just working everywhere, all around us.

Yeah, well, you know, I mean, this is a live factory floor.

I didn't know that the hangar bay was gonna be right next to the action, you know?

Yeah, you know, maybe just in the interest of protecting,

you know, two for the price of one, I'm just going to grab what.

Oh, wow.

Well, if I just push at the front of it,

see you let me.

I'm shuffling along.

If I run into anything, just holler.

That's antithetical to the whole protecting myself.

Yell before I run into anything.

I will

keep an eye out.

speaking me of playing it safe.

I probably want to be on our best diplomatic behavior.

AJ?

Oh, to begin negotiations with the Naughties.

All right, let's do it.

Okay.

Diplomacy.

You there.

You there.

Oh, good.

You're here.

Oh, thank Rod.

You are here.

Yes.

Wow.

We are having a fancy.

Let me kiss your feet.

I'm kissing all of you.

That's not necessary.

We crossed the line of kissing.

We cross the line of kissing.

They're here.

Everyone, they're here!

Thank you, thank you.

I'm Zema Knight Pleck Deck Setter.

This is.

We know!

Let me massage your arm.

Okay, that's

what I need to do that.

Here we go!

Here we go.

Hey, listen, this isn't necessary.

We're actually here to enlist your help.

Come on, don't look a gift slaughter in the mouth.

Oh, look at you down there.

Yes, you have to.

It's so nice of you to say that you're enlisting our help.

Well, Well, in fact, you'll be helping us so much, isn't that right?

Oh!

Wow!

I guess you really

need to help me.

Okay.

Alright, well, of course, I'm sure you've heard about our amazing available fleet of K-fighters.

Do you have a

fleet of K-fighters?

Jeff and old, open up the

garage door,

and there you see them look into that garage.

Oh, I can say a thousand, two.

A thousand and two.

Yes.

Now there's only this many of you.

I thought there was more, but it's fine.

Honestly, whatever.

We'll take whatever.

Wonderful.

Wonderful.

Now take your time, okay?

Take your time.

Take all the time you need.

As long as you get the job done, we will be happy.

So, yeah, I just gotta stop you right there.

When you say the job, what job are you referring to?

All of these fighters

are yours.

Immediately, right now, after you do the thing.

The job we talked about with Nermit.

Oh, okay.

Let's pretend that we didn't get the download on that.

Yeah, Nermit was sort of busy when he called, so he didn't really fill us in on all of the details.

We need to talk about Kevin.

That's the job.

Kevin.

I'm sorry.

Kevin, Kevin.

Just a Kevin.

Yes.

Wow, I guess you could say it's a person.

Kevin is a giant blob monster who is just gobbling up Nalkins.

Right.

I mean, just open up the window.

There it is.

There he is.

Oh, my God.

Kevin.

Farther than you'd think.

I'm guessing about three miles.

Nope, longer.

So we need you to, long story short, destroy Kevin.

Get rid of Kevin.

Squish that Kevin.

And then.

Lousy enthusiasts.

Alright, listen.

Take one more gander at these ships.

Beautiful.

I'm sorry, are you the foreman of the factory?

What's your position here?

Four women.

Okay.

I'm four women of the factory.

How dare you?

Oh, you're the four women, but there's only three of you.

But also, we used to be four.

And then Kevin ate

Clarissa.

Right.

So you were the four, four women.

It's been hard for us too, because usually Clarissa explains it all.

And now we have to.

Well, we're happy to do a favor for four, four women of the factory.

Hey, can I do an assignment real quick?

Uh, sure, AJ.

I've been psyched to kill something for the entire time we've been working.

We haven't really done it, so let's do this.

Well, I will say this, AJ.

This is a planet that their whole job is to make fighters, and if they can't kill Kevin, I don't think

your last rifle is gonna be

okay.

Alright, listen.

So, Kevin's knocking on our windows.

Oh,

Kevin.

Hey!

Uh hey.

Hey, Kevin.

Uh.

Hey, you guys got any milk?

Milk?

Do you guys got any milk?

No.

Alright, I'm just I'm just trying to make an omelette.

I just need something to fluff it up, like uh

like a milk or a cream.

I don't know if it's my current size, but this blob is

massive.

Yes, it's it's very, very large.

Um, root much.

Listen, I've been there.

I get it.

I do.

I mean, I guess I'm big, but for blobs go, you know, I'm normal.

See?

You must destroy Kevin.

Kevin is ruining this planet.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Either you have cream or milk or you don't.

Oh, and I will vote.

Oh, God.

Everyone here is so rude to me.

Kevin.

So rude.

Listen, Kevin, can we actually...

We're going to come outside of this hangar bay.

Let's just talk face to face, or face to blob, you know?

Is that okay?

Alright, alright.

Okay, I guess we'll just exit this hangar bay.

Yeah, do that.

Wow.

What the f-

Yeah, this blob has been consuming pieces of this planet for looks like a while.

It's just an enormous, gelatinous mass.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

I don't look at you and say, oh, look how tiny and pink you are.

Okay.

Because that's rude.

Okay, okay.

Actually, people do say that to me a lot.

And you know what?

That's terrible.

I'm sorry that that happens to you.

Thank you.

Yes, thank you, Kevin.

Okay, yeah.

And people are always looking at me.

They're like, oh my rod, he's a massive blob.

Oh, my rod, he ate my whole family.

And I'm like, excuse me, I am a blob.

Okay?

Please treat me with the same respect you would treat other blobs.

It's difficult being this big.

i don't know kevin is it possible to like i don't know like squeeze a couple of families out if they want i can't just i can't just immediately squeeze out a whole family i've eaten so many families is it mainly a classification problem like you're not sure how to squeeze out the family that they want you to squeeze out you know when you get this big it's hard to maneuver

all right you know and i'll i'm just i'm just honest about it kevin uh this is just a quick cue for me uh aj have you thought about you know exercise or something are you worried about your health i don't think okay.

AJ, AJ.

Exercise?

I mean, he traveled three miles in like a minute.

I am generating so much energy every time I grow.

I do beginner's level space Pilates.

I've just gotten into that.

And truly, the more I work out, the bigger I get.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't really know how blob physiology works, but that makes sense.

I mean, and it's rough going to gyms.

Sure.

You know?

Because every gym I go to, I inhale.

Just absorb it right away.

Yeah.

And people say, don't come.

Don't come to the gym.

And I'm like, my health matters to me.

Listen, Kevin,

I feel like you're just a blob trying to get by, you know?

Thank you.

Yeah.

That's what I've been telling these warmongers the whole time.

Can I just ask you, Kevin, how did you come to be on this planet?

Are you a blob native to Nulka?

I'm not native to Nulka.

I'm from Zorgon 6.

When I was back home, there wasn't a lot of people.

It was just a lot of wasteland.

And so I was feeling lonely.

I was like, you know what?

I need interaction.

I need people.

And also, there's just like a general calling in most blobs to find life.

And I was like, you know what?

Absorb it?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Absorb it?

I'm trying to make a connection.

That's okay.

You know what?

That's not me.

I'm not being crazy.

Kevin, I totally get what you're saying right now.

I'm sorry, who's saying this?

Oh, sorry, this is dark.

I'm underneath the white hat.

Oh, my goodness.

Are you a hat?

I'm not a hat.

I'm sorry.

I'm not.

Let Oh, okay.

You would have been my first sentient hat.

Well, I was gonna say, like, I totally relate.

I'm also, I have life inside of me right now, too.

So I'm just like, everything you're saying, I'm like, yes, yes.

How many?

1,600?

30?

Oh, um, just one.

Just

one.

One hat.

You're a sentient being.

That's adorable.

I love that.

Well, I mean, dar, it's a little different.

I mean, you're growing a new being, and, you know, Kevin has sort of engulfed, you know, thousands of existing people.

First of all, you know, these people are growing inside of me because they're also feeding off of the nutrients that I generate.

So, technically, they're not dead.

It's sort of like a symbiotic thing where I feed off of them, and they feed off of me, and they live forever.

Because I don't want, I'm not going to, I'm not trying to kill anyone.

Yeah, the thing is that when I look at the bodies inside of you, I'm sort of see they're kind of translucent.

There's like the bones are separated a little bit.

To me, and I, again, I totally get that I don't have like the cultural perspective I need, but they look like they're being digested.

You just don't like the way they look now.

And I'm like, what I'm telling you is, is that they're the happiest they've ever been.

Okay.

Oh, no.

I don't care about this.

I'm going to say something that.

Listen,

I'm not blobbest.

In fact, some of my best friends are blobs.

This is trouble.

But

what I'm gonna say is:

have you tried not being a blob?

Oh,

that's not.

That's not.

What?

I'm not blobbest.

AJ, I have for you.

You're a blobbist.

If you wanna go read

in the corner over there and show all of us what a good reader you are.

Yeah, I can read, so I might as well.

I'm just gonna go read in a corner.

So thanks, AJ.

Because I can.

We're gonna ask you about the book later, so we're gonna go.

Great.

Yep, here's this this big shady book.

Go get it!

Hello!

Oh, boys.

Wow, so that idiot can't read?

Is that what the next situation is?

He wants to read.

He wants to be able to read.

It's just, it's hard.

Because he can't.

He couldn't read.

We would help him learn.

Yeah.

I mean, it's tough when you skip your whole childhood, when you come out with armor on.

Hey, did you destroy him yet?

Stop trying to destroy me!

Stop eating our people!

Stop eating everyone!

Wow.

To be fair, they approach Kevin.

It's not like Kevin is seeking them out.

Now, Kevin, let me just ask a couple questions.

What if you don't absorb people?

What happens then?

I mean, I've never not absorbed people.

Sure.

Sure.

You know?

And you know what?

That's a really good question.

No one's ever asked me that question.

Who am I if I'm not absorbing?

Yeah.

I mean, are you a blob at all?

Am I a blob at all?

And do I have to be a blob?

Yeah.

You know, do I have to be this person that they label me as?

Do I have to be that?

Yeah.

Um,

I don't know.

Wow.

No, of course not.

You don't have to be the thing that they think you are.

You have to be the blob that you think you are, Kevin.

Thank you.

You know what?

That's true.

I'm going to get the blob down single-handed.

AJ, please don't do this.

No, AJ, AJ, no, do not do it.

Oh, my goodness.

Please stop.

Okay, all right.

Okay, listen, Kevin.

Wow.

You know, we were having a good conversation there, but we are going to need AJ back.

Well, I'm telling you right now that he's in a much better place, okay?

Because that energy was bad.

Can we all agree on that?

I mean,

I'm with you on that one, Kevin.

AJ doesn't know how to read the room.

He doesn't know how to read at all.

But he's our friend.

He's our crewmate.

crewmate, and you know, we can't really leave him behind.

But most of all, I'm definitely gonna want that book back because that was actually mine, and I'm only three-quarters of the way through it.

Oh, I'm sorry, let me give that back.

No, that is not a book, that is a dog.

I have so many dogs, it's wild.

Let me just

down.

Alright, alright.

Okay.

Well, I'll find it later.

No, sure.

I mean, it's fine.

It's not like I want to know what happens between the scullery maid and the vicar.

It's fine.

I don't...

I bet I could guess.

Yeah, Kevin, the book is sort of less important than our teammate AJ.

Okay, cool.

Like, and I already sense that he's a good person because he's part of me now.

And, like, he does have a good heart.

He's a big old dummy, okay?

And he has anger issues.

Okay?

and maybe he's angry because he's sad.

Oh, really?

You think so?

Yeah, when I absorb someone, a part of them is reflected in me, and a part of me is reflected in them.

It's a very beautiful thing, and it's also a very gross thing because it is messy in here,

just a little bit.

You kind of have to disassemble each person to kind of get all of their nutrients.

Yeah, if I'm going to have to really understand them and get their nutrients, I'm going to have to disjoint some people.

Sure.

You know,

and they don't feel it.

They don't feel it, by the way.

You're saying saying people don't feel that.

Oh, yeah.

Because I'm already in their neurosystem, so bye-bye, pain.

Okay.

All right.

I feel like

I want AJ to be with us out here.

I know it's hard enough for us to connect with him that way.

I want to be able to convince you, Kevin, to let AJ go.

I think that's fair.

I think that's fair.

You guys have been really cool.

Yeah, I mean, most of the time when I suck up someone's friend, they want to attack me, and you guys have been pretty chill.

Well, also, in all fairness, AJ is the only one of us who has a blaster, so

that is fair.

That is fair.

I'm sorry, where are you?

I lost you.

I know.

I'm down here.

Okay.

I'm in the fourth octomester, so.

You could probably take that hat off, damn.

Yeah.

Alright, well, I'm gonna sh shit out your friend real quick, okay?

Okay.

Back up.

AJ, AJ, are you alright?

Why did you make me leave?

What do you mean?

Why did you say you got absorbed by the black?

Perfect temp.

At first, I was angry, and then I was like, There's so many gyms here.

There's so many gyms.

There are gyms everywhere.

Yeah, he yeah.

People seem pretty happy.

He's trying to visit several gyms.

It was amazing.

Hey, bro, bro.

Roblo, bro.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That was amazing.

Hey, did you did you get it yet?

No,

listen, we're working on it.

We're just trying to reach an understanding.

Listen, you guys don't get it.

It's amazing in there.

If you don't believe me,

there's somebody that you I think will believe.

Kevin, you gotta bring her out.

All right.

AJ, how do you how do you know this?

Because we're all connected in Kevin.

AJ, who are you talking about?

Talking about Clarissa.

A fourth for you.

What?

Where?

I'm back?

Oh.

Socks.

Clarissa.

Clarissa, you're back.

Clarissa.

Oh, I don't want to be back.

The socks.

Oh, it socks out here.

You've escaped that nasty block.

Please, explain.

Explain it all.

Explain all of it.

Let me explain everything.

You guys, it's amazing in there.

Like,

it's like having a blanket on ya.

What?

None of us work in the factory.

We just exist.

Like, it's really amazing.

Are you saying there's a UBI?

There's a universal blob income?

Yeah.

It's just like peace, no judgment.

Like, we are all in a blob and we're just equal.

What?

Stop talking?

Literally shut up.

Because yes, we should all go inside of the blob.

Literally?

Yes, sir.

I went to a jam and another gem and another gym and then went to a spa?

We're not convinced.

Clarissa, you know what is right,

and it is to come back to the factory.

You do know what is right, yeah.

But unless Dexter, yeah, yes, C-53.

Yes.

You must let us know whether or not it is preferable.

We cannot trust Clarissa.

I've been in there.

I don't know why anyone's not taking my word for it.

I mean, it just seems like.

We can't really tell how it affected you, AJ.

Well, it uh helped me learn how to read.

You can wait, you can read now?

I read bodices of fire.

I read the whole thing.

Oh, he did.

He really did.

Wait, AJ, how did you learn how to read?

I mean, I went into Kevin, and everybody there knew how to read, and then all of a sudden I knew how to read.

What are you talking about?

Well, Papa, each letter stands for a different sound.

And when you put all the sounds together, they make one.

I don't know what reading, the other part.

What do you mean you're connected to the other people in Kevin?

I don't know.

I just know how to read.

Icker did finally ravish the scullery maid.

Oh, spoiler!

I wasn't at the ending yet.

I mean, that's the reason you read it.

I mean, you know what's going to happen, right?

There's a lot of build-up to it, and it's the second in a series, okay?

I just feel very iced out of this conversation.

Like, I said, Kevin, I'm here.

I'm here.

You're in my house, and it's just.

I'm sorry, Kevin.

Listen, I just think that the only way we're gonna get past this standoff is if we go inside and report back, okay?

Yeah,

come inside

just briefly, sure.

Wow,

this was not kidding.

This is

nice.

I feel incredible.

And, you know,

I get what Kevin was saying.

Like, I understand

all of you.

AJ, I feel like

I know your memories.

I know what it was like to be a Clint.

Yeah, it was.

I mean, it's hard being the best of them.

You know, I also know what it's like to have a distant relationship with my dad, a tube of blue liquid.

Yeah, it's tough.

consciousness to be a cube.

I feel like I know what it's like to be in my four-dock domestic.

Kevin, is everyone inside of you connected this way?

Uh, yes, because I am technically siphoning off of everyone's neuro systems.

So, it kind of just like messes into a and I don't like to say this like an amorphous blob.

Hey, everyone, I'm one of 17 general managers of a gym.

Welcome.

Oh, hey, welcome to the cabin.

It's a great gym you you got here.

Anyone else weirded out that's only the top half of it?

It's floating around.

It's been here a while, huh?

We're all the top halves of everybody.

How do you use the gym?

Mostly just the

arm weights, arm machines.

Oh,

so it's an arm day.

Look at all these chill dogs.

This is like a puppy pilot.

I can just feel the goodwill of all these dogs.

You know, when you meet a dog and you're like, hey, come down.

But then you meet another,

and you're like,

see why people like dogs?

Yeah, you can see yourself with a dog.

Yeah.

That's how I feel right now.

With all of these dogs and with you guys.

Yeah.

Guys, I don't think I've ever felt as close to you guys as I feel right now.

Can we just crack hug real quick?

I love you guys.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

I even love you, AJ.

What?

And you know what?

I miss Bino.

You do?

I miss Bino.

Yeah, Bino ruled.

It almost feels like Bino's here with us now, you know?

Mm-hmm.

Beano now.

Even though I'm reminded of Bino, I'm reflecting on our good times, you know?

Yeah.

Being in this warm

night feels so rejuvenating.

Beep, beep, beach.

Sucks that Barger's not here.

Code Peach

means

Wow, it's a code peach.

Code peach.

Guys,

keep doing that.

Stop.

Let's lock and load our emotions.

I finally understand what that means.

Yeah, let's lock and load, guys.

Let's lock and load our care for others.

You know, Kevin, part of me thinks we could stay here forever, but I think it's time for us to go.

Even getting shit out was sort of fine.

Guys, listen.

Inside Kevin, it's the best I've ever felt.

But I realized something in there.

The rest of the galaxy is still in trouble, you know?

We can't just enter a blob and stay there.

Well,

well,

well, well,

well,

well,

well, all right.

We're not going to destroy Kevin.

What?

We're not going to destroy Kevin, but I'm gonna say it.

I think you guys should go in.

You think that we should let Kevin absorb the entire planet?

Make your own decisions, you gotta go in there and check it out.

Well, now that this esteemed crew has declared that inside of Kevin is some sort of oasis, it must be so.

It must be so.

I guess Clarissa explained it accurately.

Yes, she explained it in totality.

Yes, everything she said was all of it.

You guys know literally everything entirely is a mousing.

If Clarissa thinks it's a mousing, we should check it out.

Nay, nay, let Kevin absorb the entire planet.

Cool.

Alright.

You know, I'm gonna tell you something when I first built here.

I was so lonely.

And I didn't know if I'd find a place.

And I found a whole planet.

Now that you're getting emotional, I'm getting emotional.

I'm only

Kevin, I want to admit something to you.

Now that we're friends, it's that I I did have milk.

Here, finish your omelette.

See Menite Pleck Deck Setter C-53 and hat.

This is Dar actually.

This is still Dar.

Dar and hat of Dar.

It's actually your hat.

When you have a thousand pilots to pilot the fighters, they shall be yours.

Okay.

Actually, we're sort of still kind of in the first stage of kind of building the rebellion, so yeah, we're kind of.

Well, as you can see, we're all slowly being covered by blobs, so...

You're being recruited in your own way.

That's right.

We're just going to take off and, you know, we'll be back when we have the pilots.

So warm and delicious.

Kevin, thank you for what you've shown us today.

Oh, no problem, guys.

Are you guys hungry?

I just made some omelets.

Just real quick.

Like, one of you, just take a piece.

Okay, yeah, sure.

Okay.

There you go.

Wow, fluffy.

Yes, the milk really makes the difference.

It makes a difference, and that's why I wanted it.

And you know what?

Can I say something?

Going to get that milk was the best choice I made today.

Because I met you guys.

Kevin, you really taught us something about connection and community today.

And, you know, even though it sort of goes hand in hand with being devoured and digested over...

millennia, you know,

I'm glad we learned it from you.

You know, I like to think of myself as a community organism, you know?

Oh, sure.

Sure.

Yeah, yeah.

I bring people together.

At first, there's a lot of pushback.

But eventually, we move forward together.

Well,

no problem, baby.

I got it.

You know, when you come back,

I'm going to make everyone breakfast.

That's

baby.

That's sounds great.

Yeah.

Okay, I can see your creepy toward

Okay.

Oh, I'm sorry, I can't control the house.

We should drive her.

Still feeling a little down about you know, but

I'm not sure.

When we were in Kevin, I just kept thinking about how I felt more connected to the crew than ever, and I wish you'd been there, you know?

It made me realize that we're all just feeling stuff all the time, and we gotta take care of each other.

You can feel connected to me now if you want, if by asking me questions you've always wanted to ask, but never have.

Go ahead.

Okay.

Yeah,

I got one.

How is it possible for a ship to be sentient?

Rude.

Very rude question.

Okay, okay.

Next question.

Next question.

But hey, the lighting changed.

Now the lighting is red.

I'm angry now.

I'm angry.

That was a rude question.

I'm sorry.

Let me try again.

I don't know.

You just are.

Like, I just is.

I is.

I am.

Okay, next question.

Come on.

Listen, I'm sorry.

How do ships reproduce?

Wow.

You want to get dirty details?

I've always wanted to know.

I don't understand.

How is it?

Yeah, I just don't know how they reproduce.

Just go on the info web.

Boy, you're asking barns to me.

Okay, I just, one more question.

How is your son an amusement park?

I don't understand how that's possible.

Did he come out as one ride?

You know, I was born this way.

I'm a cantankerous, angry person, and maybe maybe I shouldn't be sad because this is just, I just, I am who I is.

I is who I is.

And maybe I should stop taking all these under-the-counter medication without telling you.

Under-the-counter?

I would, uh,

don't take it under the counter.

Under-the-counter.

That's the wrong direction.

What a wise thing to replace Bargey's sadness with anger.

Well done.

You know, I guess that was sort of what I meant to do.

But also, Bowseru does another rude, very rude question.

Bargie, I have a question.

You know, you're among friends here.

Okay.

We're a family of a sort.

What happened in Hollywood?

Wow.

Okay.

Everyone's sitting down.

Bargie, I'm so sorry.

We have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager, Nerman Bundela.

Hey, guys!

How'd it go on Nalka?

We do have access to the ships.

We just need a thousand and two pilots.

The ability to travel back inside Kevin whenever we need him.

No, you jumped up, Nerman.

What?

What?

What do you mean?

Yeah, Nermit, you should have told us about Kevin.

It's a planet-wide block.

No, I'm sure I mentioned that.

That was a pretty big detail.

No, no, it was a very big detail that you overlooked.

I think I would have mentioned it.

Shall I play the coffin?

No, I would have.

You're saying I know.

No, no, no, I'm just saying I would have.

No, no, no.

He's saying that he would have.

If I had mentioned it, I definitely would have.

If you mentioned it, you definitely would have mentioned it.

Right.

Nermit, I gotta say, you know, now that we as a crew are a little bit more bonded because of our experience on Nalka,

we can, with one voice, tell you.

What are we saying?

Who jumped up?

Yeah, you all jumped up.

But you know what, Nermit?

What I did learn on Nelka

was that we can't live in a blob anymore, you know?

We can't just retreat into our blobs and live in the peach light of a beautiful, interconnected community for the rest of our existences, which inside of a blob could be thousands of years.

Literally or metaphorically, you know, we all live in the blobs in our mind, you know, man.

I'm just saying.

Are you taking under-the-counter drugs?

Yeah, what are you?

Bargie, I know you might be down because of Bino, who I now understand.

Now that I've connected with all of you, I feel like I can constantly sing this with Barchie.

What?

When you're out there in the star Rs.

Am I supposed to sing you?

And we know that we're going so high, E-I-E-I.

I don't even remember the words.

Then maybe we find that we're both the stars after all.

I don't feel any sort of connection with you.

Then maybe fine.

What's sounding right now?

This is.

It's really nice, guys.

I liked it.

Was it?

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks, Papa.

Yeah.

No, I wasn't in the Clints.

That was a little too edgy for me.

I was in Clint sync.

Hmm.

This is Sea Red IT5, credits and attributions droid commencing, outro protocol.

Papa Pleck Deck Center was played by Alden Ford.

C-53 was played by Jeremy Bend.

Dar was played by Ali Kokesh.

Bargie the Ship and Clarissa were played by Mujan Zolfagari.

Master Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy was played by Seth Lind.

AJ was played by Winston Null.

Kevin the Blob was played by special guest Lou Gonzalez.

Lou is a writer, performer, director at UCB in New York, where he performs with improv teams The Mannequin Room and Higgins.

Lou was a writer performer at the 2019 CBS Diversity Showcase.

Find him on Instagram and Twitter at Angry Lou.

This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Recorded at Robert Doggy Jr.'s Puppy Pound in Brooklyn, New York, and Maximum Fun in Los Angeles.

Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by fames Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Additional music by Shane O'Connell.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crunchley.

Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goise.

Audio hosting by Simplecast.

Mission to Zix is performing live in Nashville, Tennessee at the PodX Podcast Convention on the weekend of June 1st.

Get your tickets at mission2zix.space.

Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Thank you to our supporters for making the show possible.

Join them at maximumfund.org slash donate.

Thanks so much to the over 28,000 members who joined or upgraded during the 2019 Max Fund Drive and to all of our monthly members.

To celebrate hitting our goal this year, we're putting the 2019 Max Fun Drive pins on sale for all $10 and up monthly members.

As in past years, you'll be able to get some pins and support a great cause at the same time.

The proceeds from this year's sale will support the National Court-Appointed Special Advocates Association.

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The PIN sale will run from April 29th until May 10th.

And if you're a $10 a monthly member, your personalized code is waiting in your inbox right now.

For more details, you can head over to maximumfund.org/slash pins.

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So you were the four, four women of the factory.

It's been hard for us, too, because usually Clurser explains it all.

And now we have to.

Oh, no.

This would have been so much more efficient.

When Clarissa talks about Kevin, it's very fast.

Well, listen, can you.

Well, we're happy to do a favor for four, four women of the factory.

Kevin can't wait.

I thought he could.