305: Bad Grandma [ft. Rachel Pegram]

Speaker 1 It is a time of fear and unrest.

Speaker 1 Emperor Nermit Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist and also a planet crusher.

Speaker 5 Crusher.

Speaker 1 Now, Zima Knight Pleck Dexetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat whackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

Speaker 4 This is Mission to Sync.

Speaker 4 And what?

Speaker 8 Oh, uh, yeah, Bargie, what's up?

Speaker 9 Like, you have those, uh, those scrolls, right? Those like magical little scrolls that oh, you know, I'm glad you asked, Bargie.

Speaker 11 I don't think the scrolls themselves are magical.

Speaker 12 I think it's more.

Speaker 14 Uh,

Speaker 15 yeah, they're not magic. They're not really spells.

Speaker 2 No. Nope.

Speaker 9 Then why are you carrying around a lot?

Speaker 16 Uh, I decided to pick up a second woodsaber for like tight quarters. So this is like a sort of close combat woodsaber.

Speaker 20 I'm not sure that qualifies as a full-fledged saber, though.

Speaker 12 Okay, well, it's sort of like a wood dagger.

Speaker 9 So to clarify, let me just take everything you said back. You can't do anything.

Speaker 12 Well, you know, Barzi, let me actually read to you a little bit from these ancient scrolls.

Speaker 13 Fantastic.

Speaker 16 Okay, just to kind of give you an idea, because I feel like they're more just like prophecies that I kind of need to unpack.

Speaker 22 So here's one of the scrolls.

Speaker 17 Candyman tempting the thoughts of a sweet tooth tortured by the weight loss program cutting the corners.

Speaker 23 Loose end, loose end, cut, cut on the fence.

Speaker 16 Could not to offend, cut, cut, cut, cut.

Speaker 24 Um, yeah, that's the stuff.

Speaker 9 That's just scarbel.

Speaker 26 Well, I think it's those are sacred texts.

Speaker 16 Yeah, there's a message hidden in there somewhere.

Speaker 20 Could not to offend doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 19 Okay, but but what if you could not?

Speaker 24 But what if you said it fast? Like, could not to offend like that?

Speaker 28 I think it's even more annoying.

Speaker 9 So

Speaker 26 you do anything.

Speaker 19 Oh boy.

Speaker 11 Bargie, you know, maybe we can maybe we can talk about like upgrading some of your equipment. Maybe we can change your hull a little bit.

Speaker 29 How about that?

Speaker 9 I'm not exchanging money in public.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay.

Speaker 14 That's a very specific restriction, Barge.

Speaker 9 Yeah, is that no one will see any crude hovering between me and space wait bargie when you pay for something do you do you shoot the croon through space at whoever you're paying of course wait what do you think i am huh okay i'm just saying that i've got a very limited amount of crune and dar is in charge of it right now okay wait dar's in charge of your croon

Speaker 26 yeah oh

Speaker 32 i'm very good with money well you invested a in a literal pile of croon into bit croon and lost it all so that's just numbers okay

Speaker 22 Huh. You never divested from BitCrune.

Speaker 32 No, no, because it's gonna spike right back up.

Speaker 14 It's been sort of a while. You'd think it would have spiked by now.

Speaker 32 Well, here's the thing: with the Emperor, everything's in flux, you know.

Speaker 32 But if you wanted to invest,

Speaker 35 maybe.

Speaker 29 Is this also in BitCrune?

Speaker 32 No, actually, you'd be investing in a side venture that I'm working on.

Speaker 4 Uh, okay.

Speaker 32 It's called Itty Bitty Crew.

Speaker 36 Okay, I don't want that.

Speaker 23 A Zema doesn't need money.

Speaker 14 I'm an exciter, if you don't have any crew, how did you get your wood dagger?

Speaker 27 I would say I created my wood dagger, you know, just sort of by snapping it off one of the trees that was in the parking lot of the Labrari.

Speaker 20 Oh no, then you created that branch?

Speaker 18 No, no, no, I created the wood dagger by snapping the branch.

Speaker 37 I don't want to.

Speaker 18 Oh, AJ, that's way too big.

Speaker 34 No,

Speaker 39 AJ, you cannot swing that around in here.

Speaker 37 How did you get that loose

Speaker 30 without us not?

Speaker 34 AJ, you are.

Speaker 34 How are you?

Speaker 33 How are you lifting that bog?

Speaker 11 You are very strong.

Speaker 24 I was genetically bred to be stronger, faster.

Speaker 24 Newbile.

Speaker 24 Nubile.

Speaker 28 Okay.

Speaker 9 Everyone be quiet. We're passing by a ship I know.
Be quiet. Be quiet.

Speaker 9 Like, don't even say anything. They got a bad

Speaker 9 history of investments, so I got involved because I was like, How bad can it be? And it's bad, it's bad.

Speaker 2 Okay, all right,

Speaker 20 I love that story.

Speaker 13 We didn't guess,

Speaker 12 Bargie, can they hear us in here?

Speaker 30 Yeah, yeah, yeah, but

Speaker 28 the vacuum

Speaker 28 space, the sound wouldn't travel.

Speaker 9 Oh, no, oh, those eye contact. Oh, one okay,

Speaker 11 and a long night be

Speaker 13 Gooji. What?

Speaker 9 I'm just passing by.

Speaker 9 Just passing by.

Speaker 30 That's not her name.

Speaker 28 Her name is Barcelona.

Speaker 30 Goodbye.

Speaker 9 Okay, they left.

Speaker 11 Bargie, don't you have like vocal simulators you can play? That sort of just sounded like your voice doing a voice.

Speaker 9 I'm a real actor. You know, I don't use fake enhancers.
I don't know. There's nothing fake about me.
You get what you get. Yes.
If I'm gonna do another voice, it's me doing an impression.

Speaker 9 I can do anybody. Tell me, and I'll do it.

Speaker 33 Oh, uh, do do uh do Nermita.

Speaker 24 Bang on, I love it.

Speaker 13 Okay,

Speaker 37 turn me next.

Speaker 30 Who's that?

Speaker 33 Oh, hi.

Speaker 20 Poppetex and I have an incoming transmission from Master Missions Operations Manager.

Speaker 2 Hey, Nermit, huh?

Speaker 30 Yeah.

Speaker 32 Okay, so you guys, we have come to an agreement.

Speaker 38 We have five minutes left in the nest, and then it will be fully Nermit's nest for the day.

Speaker 34 Nermit, what are you doing with those Tornadas?

Speaker 23 Well, oh,

Speaker 42 we came to a sort of truce where they will not eat me if they are allowed to kind of get sublet.

Speaker 39 If Tornada is living in your nest, so you're sharing your home with natural predators, too.

Speaker 43 Yeah, but I mean, guys, this is working.

Speaker 42 The sharing economy is strong.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 7 what are you getting back from them?

Speaker 42 So the exchange is they're not tearing me tail from plume.

Speaker 7 Nermit, do you need money?

Speaker 8 Because

Speaker 45 I have a little side hustle

Speaker 34 with the itty bitty bitly croon.

Speaker 4 You know, this is a reason.

Speaker 45 Yeah, yeah, yeah. This one's just for Nermit.

Speaker 42 You know, Dar, I'm committed to being a breadwinner, and I may have no income, but I still, out of pride, will say no.

Speaker 42 It's pretty regressive, man.

Speaker 42 See,

Speaker 39 Nerman, do we have a mission? Yes.

Speaker 7 Turn on us.

Speaker 28 Great.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 29 All right, guys.

Speaker 42 I've been looking through the database, and I found a planet

Speaker 3 Amber.

Speaker 24 I don't know if you know it.

Speaker 20 Uh, no, okay.

Speaker 25 It makes sense that you wouldn't, because the inhabitants of this planet have never sided with any of the dominant galactic groups. They never aligned with the monarchy.

Speaker 25 They never aligned with the Federated Alliance. They never aligned with the Rebellion.
They have not aligned with the Emperor.

Speaker 25 So, this is a prime place for us to go in and establish contact with the local leader on behalf of the burgeoning battle against Wackness.

Speaker 18 Nermit, why would we have any confidence that the people of Amber would follow us?

Speaker 21 I mean, they've never declared any sort of allegiance before.

Speaker 25 That's the thing. Our cause is pretty little.

Speaker 28 I mean, you know, like, it's true.

Speaker 25 People want to get in on the ground floor.

Speaker 32 They want to get in on the ground floor or something. I think we should definitely go to this place.

Speaker 16 I don't think this is the kind of thing.

Speaker 32 We need to get to Amber right away.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 21 Listen, Bargi, Dar, I don't know what kind of scheme you're running right now, but we sort of have like a bigger

Speaker 40 scheme?

Speaker 9 Scheme.

Speaker 43 I don't know.

Speaker 9 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 35 Okay.

Speaker 35 Nermin, just tell us where to go.

Speaker 25 Alright, guys, I'm going to give one of my collaborators, the tornado, the honor of pushing this button, which will send the coordinates.

Speaker 33 Oh, he did send it.

Speaker 12 He did send the coordinates.

Speaker 2 I'm a little worried about Nerman.

Speaker 19 I'm worried about Dar.

Speaker 9 I'm worried about Balgi.

Speaker 34 Oh no.

Speaker 34 Oh wow.

Speaker 37 Amber is beautiful.

Speaker 12 C-53, do you know anything about this place?

Speaker 7 Well, historically, it's been sort of a cultural hub for various free thinkers, artists, dissidents, who all wish to exist outside the monarchy of the Federated Alliance.

Speaker 24 This place is perfect.

Speaker 32 I just need to set up my projector and my slides, and I think

Speaker 34 you have like a whole system here.

Speaker 32 Yeah, but I promise I won't fall behind it. I only need to carry these three suitcases and you know, set up the equipment.
I hope someone has a microphone I can borrow.

Speaker 24 Oh, my mom, oh my, you're here.

Speaker 46 Oh, good. Okay, good.

Speaker 19 Have a nice day. Have a nice day.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 41 Where are they going?

Speaker 7 They came up to us and left us so quickly.

Speaker 34 We don't really need that. You know what?

Speaker 11 Let's just go into this situation, assuming that.

Speaker 1 Thank God you're here.

Speaker 34 Hi there. What?

Speaker 34 Hello?

Speaker 7 Who are you? Hmm.

Speaker 32 Interesting. Are you interested in an investment?

Speaker 18 Dart, can we? Let's wait until.

Speaker 32 I promised. I promise Bargie.
I promise Vargi.

Speaker 8 Okay, all right, fine.

Speaker 34 Come on, come on.

Speaker 7 I'm searching my cultural database to see if this is a part of life here on Amber.

Speaker 37 I can't find anything for that.

Speaker 11 I think we need to try to find whoever's in charge here.

Speaker 24 That looks like the biggest building. Should we head there?

Speaker 34 Yeah, honestly, that's probably a good idea.

Speaker 33 Oh wow, that's very nice of you, very opulent.

Speaker 34 It's the biggest building.

Speaker 32 Ornaped.

Speaker 29 Uh, hello?

Speaker 32 Ooh, wow. Listen to how your voice echoes in here, but

Speaker 4 I'm municipal.

Speaker 28 Oh.

Speaker 47 Hello?

Speaker 2 Hi. Oh,

Speaker 2 hi.

Speaker 15 Listen to how they respond.

Speaker 46 Hi, wow.

Speaker 15 You guys,

Speaker 40 you're not from here.

Speaker 16 No, actually, we just landed.

Speaker 27 You know, we're,

Speaker 18 I'm Zima Knight Pleck Deck Setter.

Speaker 27 This is C53 and Dar and AJ.

Speaker 47 Wow.

Speaker 15 hello, hello, hello.

Speaker 40 I am Grandma

Speaker 47 III.

Speaker 12 Grandma III.

Speaker 26 Yes. Wow.

Speaker 46 Pleasure. Hi.

Speaker 17 Are you the leader of this world?

Speaker 48 Oh my rad, no,

Speaker 40 I am not the leader. I am the city councilwoman, so you know.

Speaker 14 That's actually also

Speaker 14 of use to me.

Speaker 26 Metam Castlewoman.

Speaker 49 Yes, hi.

Speaker 35 I brought the papers that you requested.

Speaker 40 Thank you so much. These are late.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 47 Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm still here.

Speaker 2 I'm still here.

Speaker 35 Oh, wow.

Speaker 43 You know, City Councilwoman, should I call you City Councilwoman?

Speaker 31 Is that the right title?

Speaker 40 Yeah, you can call me City Councilwoman. You can call me Ma.
You can call me Grandy.

Speaker 40 You can call me Lady Who Lunches.

Speaker 50 You know, whatever you like.

Speaker 47 You got a lot.

Speaker 32 I feel like Grandy.

Speaker 21 How about Gam Gam?

Speaker 27 That's what I used to call my grandma.

Speaker 40 Well, I'm not a grandmother.

Speaker 10 Oh, to be clear. Okay.

Speaker 20 I think grandma is her name.

Speaker 40 It's my name.

Speaker 49 Right, her title is that I will skip in.

Speaker 32 Her name is Grandma.

Speaker 26 Do I look like a grandmother to you?

Speaker 10 No, I was going to say you look very absurdly young grandma.

Speaker 27 Okay, never mind. Listen, city councilwoman, grandma.

Speaker 22 Yes.

Speaker 11 We're actually trying to just get to know some of the planets here in the Zig Squadron.

Speaker 4 We're recruiting for a war.

Speaker 33 Okay, that's not actually.

Speaker 2 AJ, you need need to cool it. You need to screw it.

Speaker 43 Okay, so. What?

Speaker 16 This is AJ.

Speaker 32 You'll have to excuse AJ. He's very stupid.

Speaker 4 Look.

Speaker 40 I don't know what kind of war you're selling. We don't want any of it here.

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 40 Amber's people are for Amber.

Speaker 31 Yeah, that's no, that's really good.

Speaker 32 When you refer to Amber's people,

Speaker 32 it's hard to overlook the fact that this government building is empty.

Speaker 49 Well, it seems some folks are out sick. sick.

Speaker 34 Huh.

Speaker 3 Councilwoman, sorry, I forgot.

Speaker 26 Yes?

Speaker 31 There's one paper I forgot to include.

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 40 You forgot the paper.

Speaker 21 I did forget.

Speaker 3 What are the papers?

Speaker 40 Well, I'd walk slowly on your way home tonight.

Speaker 3 No, please, no.

Speaker 40 I'm just telling you what you should do.

Speaker 26 Oh, no.

Speaker 40 Walk slowly on your way home. Oh, enjoy your house.

Speaker 50 Enjoy it.

Speaker 50 Oh, enjoy it.

Speaker 50 That sounds good.

Speaker 40 She is one of my best friends. We are so close.
That's Melissa. Me and Melissa joke.

Speaker 49 That's how we joke.

Speaker 40 You know, girls' night, drinking wine, etc.

Speaker 2 Well, this is really good acting scary.

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 12 Can I just ask, how many other people work in the government building here?

Speaker 47 Oh, you know, upwards of

Speaker 27 two,

Speaker 27 three.

Speaker 23 Two, three. Is that including you and Melissa?

Speaker 40 Me, Melissa. That's two.

Speaker 40 Oh, yes.

Speaker 3 and that worm.

Speaker 12 Does the worm work here?

Speaker 15 The worm is on the payroll.

Speaker 10 Okay, interesting. Oh.

Speaker 19 Okay. Well,

Speaker 2 hey there.

Speaker 14 Mops that one party mode.

Speaker 40 Yeah, it's pretty important.

Speaker 2 It looks great.

Speaker 23 Now,

Speaker 22 do you find that just as a city councilwoman there's just not a need for a bigger staff?

Speaker 26 Or?

Speaker 49 Well, people have just been

Speaker 47 going away.

Speaker 40 Trips, you know.

Speaker 24 How would you guys like to go to war?

Speaker 2 AJ,

Speaker 23 you can't jump on that.

Speaker 24 Okay, how would I even?

Speaker 32 Oh, right. You just know how to read.

Speaker 35 No, I didn't say that.

Speaker 24 I didn't say that.

Speaker 32 Um, hey, uh, Plex, can I borrow one of your daggers real quick?

Speaker 26 Uh, well, uh, sure, yeah, be careful.

Speaker 15 Oh, AJ, look at this stick! Look at this stick.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, it's not a

Speaker 2 good one.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'll eat it with my eyes.

Speaker 24 I'll be right back.

Speaker 4 Oh,

Speaker 2 AJ.

Speaker 35 What?

Speaker 35 AJ.

Speaker 35 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 17 That's a third of the staff of this city hall.

Speaker 2 Councilwoman, Grandma.

Speaker 50 Melissa!

Speaker 40 Melissa!

Speaker 40 Melissa, I need you to take over Lil Inch's job.

Speaker 35 Oh, really?

Speaker 10 You're just washing up that one space? Yeah, you have to

Speaker 49 wash the one space.

Speaker 35 Okay.

Speaker 40 And do your job still.

Speaker 3 Okay, and I'll just walk really slow.

Speaker 40 Yes. And I won't be disappeared.

Speaker 48 Yes, you better walk slow.

Speaker 26 I'm sorry.

Speaker 5 This is just that fun game you play with, Melissa.

Speaker 50 Yes, Melissa.

Speaker 50 You get it right?

Speaker 32 Real quick, Councilwoman, Grandi, I'm just going to pull my two friends aside here and

Speaker 34 talk to them privately.

Speaker 2 Oh, sure, sure, sure.

Speaker 32 Guys,

Speaker 27 Yeah, I don't know about this.

Speaker 2 There's something on Twitter Design

Speaker 5 going on in this town.

Speaker 26 Oh, yes, you did.

Speaker 2 But here's, yeah, I am.

Speaker 15 But I just wanted to say

Speaker 2 I am.

Speaker 24 I'm the best. But I just wanted to say something weird happened.
I was getting the dagger, and I looked.

Speaker 34 I saw one of those people that we came in looking at.

Speaker 24 They were there. And then all of a sudden, they kind of got

Speaker 28 disappeared.

Speaker 12 What do you mean, AJ?

Speaker 5 They got disappeared.

Speaker 24 That's what I don't know how else to say it. I guess I'm reading the room.

Speaker 11 Describe AJ AJ, describe what happened.

Speaker 24 Well, they were there

Speaker 24 and they just disappeared.

Speaker 24 I think that's the proper

Speaker 24 of that is got disappeared.

Speaker 24 They screamed and just vanished.

Speaker 4 It was

Speaker 52 grandma, grandy lady who lunches, uh console woman, I yes

Speaker 52 I cannot seem to f find my parents.

Speaker 3 Oh no.

Speaker 24 Hey, read the room, pal.

Speaker 2 AJ, what

Speaker 2 do you know about

Speaker 40 you can't find your parents?

Speaker 52 I was with them

Speaker 15 in our home,

Speaker 52 and they have always been there until they were gone.

Speaker 40 Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Speaker 52 And I would so like them back.

Speaker 34 Oh.

Speaker 15 How about something else?

Speaker 40 How about a job?

Speaker 52 Okay, I would think there's a minimum age for

Speaker 19 the age you are.

Speaker 52 I am nine.

Speaker 26 Oh, that's a good age.

Speaker 40 We have an opening.

Speaker 52 Is this an extremely tiny mop?

Speaker 40 Yes. Little Inch used to clean that little area.
And you're little with little hands.

Speaker 17 Listen.

Speaker 2 Clean it up.

Speaker 35 Clean it up.

Speaker 17 I'm sorry to break in here.

Speaker 10 Councilwoman Grandy.

Speaker 29 Yes.

Speaker 27 Listen, I don't want to get involved with whatever's happening on this planet.

Speaker 22 And you shouldn't.

Speaker 12 But what is happening on this planet?

Speaker 2 Papa's right.

Speaker 4 You gotta look around, Grandi. You gotta look around.

Speaker 48 Oh, no, your friend. What happened?

Speaker 40 He was here, and then he was gone.

Speaker 48 Oh no!

Speaker 35 Where is AJ?

Speaker 40 Your little annoying friend is gone.

Speaker 15 Oh, so sad.

Speaker 4 Councilwoman Granny, this feels disingenuous.

Speaker 36 What?

Speaker 41 What?

Speaker 2 It just seems like you don't really care what happened to her.

Speaker 15 I do care.

Speaker 40 I care about everyone who enters my planet.

Speaker 47 The planet.

Speaker 27 Wait, your planet?

Speaker 40 The planet.

Speaker 11 You said my planet.

Speaker 32 You said my planet.

Speaker 40 Well, it's because I care about it so much.

Speaker 14 Well, okay, here's what I'd like to know.

Speaker 28 What do you plan to do about all the people disappearing?

Speaker 15 Well, I plan to set up a search party to figure out where they're hiding.

Speaker 23 Who is going to constitute this search party?

Speaker 11 I don't think anybody's left.

Speaker 53 I want to help.

Speaker 18 I want to help find your townsfolk.

Speaker 47 Oh, okay.

Speaker 18 As a Zema Knight, I think I'm up to the task.

Speaker 35 Oh.

Speaker 47 Well,

Speaker 40 I guess you could go looking for them.

Speaker 36 Really?

Speaker 35 Sure.

Speaker 35 Go!

Speaker 41 Have a look.

Speaker 40 Have a nice Mosey!

Speaker 11 C-53, do you have any sort of scanners you can run to try to figure out what is happening to these people?

Speaker 7 Unfortunately, I can't. This on and off Ambassador frame doesn't have any long-range life form scanners.
I can run a scan for party-style fries.

Speaker 34 No, I don't think we need that.

Speaker 38 I guess let's just make a sweep.

Speaker 37 That's insane after missing.

Speaker 7 They're clearly got disappeared.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 38 Yeah, they got disappeared.

Speaker 17 Is that grammatically correct? Got disappeared?

Speaker 7 I was going to say no,

Speaker 7 but seeing it happen in front of me.

Speaker 34 I mean, people get disappeared. That is a guess, but it's not an ass.

Speaker 38 It just doesn't sit right with me.

Speaker 7 I think it's the best we've got for now.

Speaker 34 Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 First, you must cross the Wailing Sands.

Speaker 36 And then travel down the Blister Gorge.

Speaker 20 And then

Speaker 34 cross over the dunes of Rilu.

Speaker 7 Okay, so we got Whaling Sands.

Speaker 20 Blister Gorge.

Speaker 33 If you could throw the signs right over there, it's just

Speaker 34 street names.

Speaker 7 I see Whaling Sands Boulevard. Oh, Blister Gorge Boulevard.

Speaker 8 How far away are we talking?

Speaker 34 Four or five blocks.

Speaker 7 Okay, let's see the section.

Speaker 52 And if we go there, we'll find

Speaker 20 off.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow. You are a wow.

Speaker 7 I didn't see you.

Speaker 52 Sorry, yes, I've just been scrubbing the sidewalk here under you.

Speaker 38 I don't think you have to do that.

Speaker 44 No?

Speaker 32 Also, why are you using such a tiny mop? That mop is for a worm. You should use a mop for a child.

Speaker 54 I agree.

Speaker 34 I can't believe they make those.

Speaker 52 No, there's distinct different sizes, and I love a child-sized mop.

Speaker 11 What is your name?

Speaker 52 I'm Theo.

Speaker 38 Theo? Theo, it's gonna be okay. We're gonna we're gonna follow these uh.

Speaker 52 Thank goodness, how do you know that? What? You're sure it's gonna be okay? That's That's such a relief.

Speaker 11 Okay, no, I that's just sort of something you say to a kid.

Speaker 16 Yeah, it's just something you sort of say to a kid when things look grim.

Speaker 34 It's not gonna be okay?

Speaker 38 I can't make any promises yet.

Speaker 37 Oh no,

Speaker 52 nobody knows.

Speaker 34 Nobody really knows.

Speaker 32 We know now.

Speaker 31 Follow me.

Speaker 38 You know, uh, Melissa, I just want to thank you for, you know,

Speaker 8 helping us out.

Speaker 38 I'm sure you did it at great peril.

Speaker 44 You know, if you're in trouble here, maybe we can help you take Grandy down.

Speaker 23 Oh,

Speaker 41 hey, Grandy, they're right over here.

Speaker 36 Oh, no, they were trying to undermine you.

Speaker 34 Melissa, why? Miss Hurts.

Speaker 36 Hello, hello, hello.

Speaker 40 Melissa, I'm gonna give you a kiss.

Speaker 31 Thank you.

Speaker 34 Wow, there.

Speaker 34 That was a good idea.

Speaker 16 Kiss of got disappeared.

Speaker 40 She took too long.

Speaker 32 What are we doing to the language right now?

Speaker 40 Yes, it's got disappeared. It's grammatically correct.

Speaker 8 I just feel like there's gotta be a better there isn't.

Speaker 40 And you know what? I'm gonna got disappear ya right now.

Speaker 53 No, no, no, no, no, listen.

Speaker 37 Here you go.

Speaker 37 You're going, and you're gone.

Speaker 40 Anyone else got comments?

Speaker 34 I'm okay, actually.

Speaker 7 Well, you're all getting disappeared anyway.

Speaker 37 Goodbye.

Speaker 37 Even the little boy.

Speaker 45 Say goodbye.

Speaker 40 Oh, this is great.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow.

Speaker 40 It's crazy we got visitors.

Speaker 36 Oh boy.

Speaker 40 I shouldn't have disappeared all of them.

Speaker 40 I really, I really wanna have sex one of these days.

Speaker 36 It's been so long.

Speaker 40 I It disappeared my only boyfriend.

Speaker 2 What were you thinking, Grandi?

Speaker 34 Damn.

Speaker 40 Guess I better go back to work, you know, there's potholes in this dang city I gotta fix.

Speaker 49 Oh, we need the potholes fixed.

Speaker 12 Ugh, your houses look like shit.

Speaker 40 Why should I fix your potholes?

Speaker 54 You don't take care of your house.

Speaker 40 Lucia.

Speaker 29 Yes, I can hear you.

Speaker 35 AJ,

Speaker 34 where are you?

Speaker 37 Papa, can you see me?

Speaker 11 I can't see you.

Speaker 35 I'm waiting my arm. Oh, okay.

Speaker 29 What? Sorry?

Speaker 29 Oh, okay. Uh, C-53.

Speaker 17 You got disappeared.

Speaker 14 said you did.

Speaker 14 Uh.

Speaker 2 Where are we?

Speaker 34 Do you guys want cuts is?

Speaker 2 Uh,

Speaker 34 do you guys want a cut live?

Speaker 23 What, in front of Melissa?

Speaker 15 No, it's fine.

Speaker 29 Melissa, you don't see.

Speaker 15 Oh, Theo.

Speaker 54 Are you alright? Yeah, uh,

Speaker 54 get my number.

Speaker 4 Are you sure you're not gonna take a number?

Speaker 32 Uh, listen, I'm I've got a thing going on right here.

Speaker 6 So you're turning the screws into like little bitty bitty bitty tiny tiny teens you can do.

Speaker 32 Oh, it'll help you buy eight houses. Eight?

Speaker 51 Okay, see, we don't know if we're ever gonna do that, though, because we can't leave right now.

Speaker 32 But you have to think about your future.

Speaker 32 Where are you down the line? Literally and metaphorically,

Speaker 34 just here.

Speaker 8 Dar, you know what? Just catch up with us later, okay?

Speaker 51 We're investing. We're investing.

Speaker 8 I understand that.

Speaker 24 Papa, this place is crazy.

Speaker 11 Yeah, AJ, what is happening?

Speaker 2 This line is miles long.

Speaker 24 Well, I've done a little recon.

Speaker 24 You know, when I was a clint, I used to be one of the best at recon, so I asked the people in front of me, and they said that this line is for everyone who got disappeared.

Speaker 35 Little inch! Little inch, Lil Inch!

Speaker 12 I thought you were dead.

Speaker 24 No, no, Lil Inch was disappeared right when I stepped on him at the moment of stepping.

Speaker 28 Wow.

Speaker 31 Oh, thank God Little Inch is alive.

Speaker 52 Don't even have a job.

Speaker 29 Theo,

Speaker 33 that's not important.

Speaker 28 That's what you're worried about.

Speaker 4 Theo, if we're here, that means your parents are in the fly somewhere.

Speaker 4 Mommy!

Speaker 1 I mean, she's to me.

Speaker 51 Okay, well, we have a kid again, so

Speaker 52 I forgot how neglectful they were.

Speaker 36 You didn't have to be so worried.

Speaker 51 He gets that from you, Steve.

Speaker 15 You know what?

Speaker 52 Somehow, after they disappeared, I idealized my family in a way that seems so

Speaker 15 happened fast.

Speaker 24 Well, based on my reconnaissance, we are in the got disappeared department. It's a government building.

Speaker 12 Melissa, do you know anything about this place?

Speaker 3 Well, we, you know, we've voted for Grandy.

Speaker 35 And what, Amber, when you vote for a council person, you imbue them with an incredibly powerful form of telekinesis.

Speaker 2 Why do you you do that?

Speaker 55 Well, it's supposed to be for public transport.

Speaker 31 But occasionally, the council person will use it to disappear people.

Speaker 27 Occasionally?

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 16 there's the got disappeared party, so you kind of know what you're gonna get there.

Speaker 5 Sure. Was that Brandy's party?

Speaker 3 Yeah, it was.

Speaker 2 And you voted for her?

Speaker 11 Well, in the C53, I just realized that's why everybody was running.

Speaker 2 Okay, yeah, I guess without publicity, you would just have to run everywhere.

Speaker 11 That's the quickest way to get from point A to point B.

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, there is the light rail party.

Speaker 15 Wait, there's a light rail?

Speaker 36 Well, the candidate wasn't likable.

Speaker 6 But.

Speaker 4 But don't you want a light rail system?

Speaker 35 Well, if I can't feel like I can have an orange beer with them, I don't know if I want to vote for them.

Speaker 2 If they're going to be able to listen,

Speaker 41 electability

Speaker 37 matters.

Speaker 11 Melissa, I feel like you need to make some changes in your government system.

Speaker 53 Your entire civilization is grinding to a halt down here in the Got Disappeared department.

Speaker 3 Well, what do you want me to do?

Speaker 5 I don't know. Run as a candidate in the Light Rail Party.

Speaker 3 I'd never thought of that.

Speaker 11 Yeah, I think you could do it.

Speaker 12 You know, you know how the government works.

Speaker 31 I can't do much.

Speaker 35 I can just call a recall election, which will summon Grandi here.

Speaker 3 Then Grandi and I will have to have a battle of the mines. And if that wins, I will become the light rail leader and restore everybody back.

Speaker 41 That's all I can do.

Speaker 41 My hands are tied.

Speaker 5 Melissa, that sounds exactly what we need to do.

Speaker 12 That sounds perfect.

Speaker 34 Ideal. Oh.

Speaker 15 Okay. Where did she get that megaphone?

Speaker 2 I recall the election of Councilwoman Grandma. They're the lady who lunches.
I summon her here now.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 3 Hello, Councilwoman.

Speaker 49 Hello, Melissa.

Speaker 40 I see you've come to challenge me.

Speaker 3 I have.

Speaker 3 For too long, the Light Rail Party has been ignored.

Speaker 2 And it's time for us to find out what we shall do once and for all.

Speaker 40 Melissa, I thought you were my friend, but I see you are my enemy, and I'm prepared to take you out.

Speaker 5 Melissa, don't worry. The advantages of a light rail system are obvious.
This crowd does not want to get disappeared again.

Speaker 41 The battle of the mines, which means that each candidate will speak.

Speaker 40 We'll give a short speech.

Speaker 38 Oh, so like a debate.

Speaker 3 We call it a battle of the mines.

Speaker 49 It's a battle of the minds, actually.

Speaker 55 The incumbent shall go first, representing the get-disappeared party, councilwoman grandma the third lady who launches.

Speaker 40 Thank you, Melissa.

Speaker 40 Constituents, my people,

Speaker 40 the people of Amber,

Speaker 40 why would you want

Speaker 40 the light rail system

Speaker 40 when you can have the efficiency of the got disappeared system,

Speaker 40 with the got disappeared party, you are lifted up and taken exactly to your workplace. I don't leave the people of Amber hanging, okay?

Speaker 40 I leave them standing where they need to be.

Speaker 48 That's true.

Speaker 40 And you know why?

Speaker 40 Because I ran on the got disappeared platform and not the light rail platform. The light rail takes you shore from one place to another, but it's not exactly where you want to go.

Speaker 4 That's true.

Speaker 41 Yeah.

Speaker 40 You might as well have walked the whole way. And then what? You're tired and you're sweaty.
And then the boss man says you don't have a job anymore because you look like trash.

Speaker 45 Yeah, you did. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I like Melissa to be shrimp.

Speaker 41 And what about Melissa's emails?

Speaker 40 Melissa's got too many unanswered emails. We've seen it.
If you vote for me, I'll open every email, even if I don't read it. I know all of you care.

Speaker 40 I know all of you care.

Speaker 40 About getting to where you need to be as fast as you can.

Speaker 36 Right, Mark?

Speaker 40 You care about getting where you need to be?

Speaker 3 I do. I hate the light reel.

Speaker 40 Yeah, I made sure you got to your daughter's birthday party on time. Remember that?

Speaker 3 Yeah, my favorite daughter.

Speaker 49 Yes. Daddy, are you in line?

Speaker 51 I haven't seen you in seven months.

Speaker 15 Well,

Speaker 40 a reunion.

Speaker 40 Everyone benefits when we have

Speaker 40 the got disappeared system.

Speaker 37 Am I right?

Speaker 4 Everyone benefits.

Speaker 4 Everyone gets where they need to go.

Speaker 4 Disappeared.

Speaker 2 Disappeared. Yes.

Speaker 40 Listen, a vote for me means you're all out of here and you're right back where you were before you got disappeared.

Speaker 36 No questions asked.

Speaker 36 I concede.

Speaker 3 I concede.

Speaker 41 That's a good deal.

Speaker 2 I concede!

Speaker 40 Okay, Melissa, then I will remain your city councilwoman.

Speaker 24 And you know what? You're all out of here.

Speaker 8 Dar, Dar, we're saved. We're out.
We're back on the surface.

Speaker 15 I was so close.

Speaker 32 I had so many new investors.

Speaker 32 I could see it in their eyes. They were all

Speaker 32 hungry.

Speaker 8 I don't know. It doesn't seem

Speaker 53 like you need to cut your losses down.

Speaker 7 I mean, the benefit is this planet is functional.

Speaker 7 People can live their lives.

Speaker 38 Hey, uh, hey, Bargie.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 34 Uh, I think

Speaker 24 we really could have used my uh my woodsaber. I'm here.

Speaker 37 I didn't know that that was what we were missing.

Speaker 12 You have to

Speaker 16 do that in the cargo hold or something. It's just a little bit tight quarters here.

Speaker 18 All right,

Speaker 24 all right. I'll see you guys later.
I'm gonna go train with my woodsaber.

Speaker 14 He's filling in a lot of the blanks himself, and I would say he's doing it wrong.

Speaker 22 Well, the whole point of learning the space is filling in the space between the spaces you already know with the spaces you don't.

Speaker 9 Dod, did you, uh, did you get it? Are we okay? Am I fine? Can I go back? Can I pay off all the bad things that I did, all the sins that I created?

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 um.

Speaker 9 I'm gonna take that as a no.

Speaker 32 I know. I was trying to think of a clever way to tell you, but uh, we have less than nothing

Speaker 32 because obviously everything I invented is imaginary.

Speaker 13 Uh-huh.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 9 Incoming message from master visionary Vermin Vorken Heiken Super.

Speaker 20 Yeah, Bargie's right there.

Speaker 14 Incoming transmission from Master Vision's operations.

Speaker 13 Man, come on, bundle.

Speaker 24 Hey, guys.

Speaker 2 Nermits.

Speaker 31 Hey,

Speaker 43 where'd the tornadas go?

Speaker 25 Right? They're gone.

Speaker 26 Where did they go?

Speaker 32 Yeah, what did you do?

Speaker 20 You see them way off in the distance there.

Speaker 25 Right, we set up a perimeter agreement. Okay, here's the paper.
You can see the scratch marks on the bottom. I'm pretty sure they agreed to this.

Speaker 12 It looks like they just bit it.

Speaker 25 In Tornado, I think that represents a contractual type deal.

Speaker 21 I feel like they were waiting for you to lay an egg.

Speaker 25 I understand if you don't understand this legalese that has bound the Tornada and I.

Speaker 16 I don't think that slash in the paper is legalese.

Speaker 25 I think we file this in the sick nest.

Speaker 25 So, guys, what's up? Amber, are they with us?

Speaker 35 You know, Nermit, we got down there.

Speaker 16 There is a lot of politics that, you know, hard for me to even describe, but it almost feels like the failings of their two-party system has created a rift between them and the civilizations around them.

Speaker 16 Wow.

Speaker 16 Not look at this. You signed it.

Speaker 16 You signed it.

Speaker 37 I can't believe that worked.

Speaker 24 See?

Speaker 25 Thank goodness for the legal system.

Speaker 56 This is C-Red IT5, Credits and Attributions Droid, commencing Outro Protocol. Papa Pleck Deck Center was played by Alden Ford.
C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent. Dar was played by Allie Kokesh.

Speaker 56 Bargie the Ship was played by Mujan Zolfagari. Master Missions Operations Manager Nervit Bundeloy and Theo were played by Seth Lind.
AJ and Melissa were played by Winston Doll.

Speaker 56 Grandma was played by special guest Rachel Pegram. Rachel is an actress and comedian who performs regularly with ASCAT at UCB NYC and at Lo-Fi and at That Shit Ray at Union Hall in Brooklyn.

Speaker 56 You can follow her on Twitter at Rachel Pegram and on Instagram at I'm Rachel Pegram. Thank you to the audience at our season three kickoff live show for chanting Disappeared.

Speaker 56 This episode was edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Recorded at Braun Studios in Brooklyn, New York.

Speaker 56 Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by FAME's Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.
Shift Design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goyce.

Speaker 56 Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Speaker 57 Hi, I'm Allie Gertz. And I'm Julia Prescott, and we're the host of Everything's Coming Up Simpsons.

Speaker 57 Every episode, we cover a different episode of The Simpsons, and that is a favorite of our special guests. We've had guests that are showrunners and writers and voice actors like Nancy Cartwright.

Speaker 9 I got a D-minus I passed!

Speaker 57 And we've also had people that are on the Max Fun Network already. We've had weird Ali Yankovic on the show.

Speaker 58 I was just struck by how sharp the writing is.

Speaker 58 I mean, that's no surprise because it's The Simpsons, but I mean, like, you can't say that about a lot of TV shows, particularly ones that at that point had been on the air for 14 years.

Speaker 57 Find us on maximumfun.org, iTunes, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right.
Smell you later.

Speaker 8 MaximumFun.org.

Speaker 38 Comedy and culture.

Speaker 12 Artist-owned, audience-supported.

Speaker 29 Can we just get that?

Speaker 34 Should I do that?

Speaker 34 Please stop.

Speaker 34 Please stop.

Speaker 42 This is like listening to the song, and it's not what people should have to do without choosing to.

Speaker 34 Cut, cut, cut.

Speaker 36 Because we know the little answer.

Speaker 34 No,

Speaker 19 no, no.

Speaker 19 Absolutely not.

Speaker 38 Rachel's going to get up and leave the room.

Speaker 6 She would be well within her reach at this point.