304: Unaccompanied Miner [ft. Zach Broussard]

Speaker 1 It is a time of fear and unrest.

Speaker 1 Emperor Nermit Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist and also a planet crusher.

Speaker 2 Crusher.

Speaker 1 Now, Zema Knight Pleck Dexetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat whackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

Speaker 6 This is Mission to Sink.

Speaker 9 What was going on last night?

Speaker 10 I felt like Bargie was stopping and starting and stopping and starting.

Speaker 7 Well, Bargie has become

Speaker 12 connected with a ride-sharing surface.

Speaker 4 What are you talking about?

Speaker 13 I'm a zip driver now.

Speaker 12 She picks up people around the galaxy and then takes them where they want to go.

Speaker 17 Like me!

Speaker 3 Oh no.

Speaker 18 Hi.

Speaker 19 Who are you?

Speaker 20 This is Daryl. Hi, I'm Daryl Farcaster.

Speaker 20 Yeah, Daryl and I have just been catching up.

Speaker 20 I apparently wanted to see every photo of every one of his kids.

Speaker 20 Well, that's me.

Speaker 6 Get out.

Speaker 6 Oh, Daryl.

Speaker 21 Oh, man.

Speaker 13 I don't know. All I know is I pick him up and I drop him off.
There was no other disturbance.

Speaker 25 At least inside the atmosphere.

Speaker 13 Okay, that makes sense sense because my rating right now is half of a asteroid.

Speaker 20 Okay.

Speaker 26 Oh wow, yeah, zero asteroids.

Speaker 7 That's a shame.

Speaker 20 I listened to Daryl talk forever.

Speaker 20 I was so nice to him.

Speaker 12 Well, what are his comments?

Speaker 10 Good conversation. Did not enter orbit.

Speaker 20 I guess that accounts for all the points then.

Speaker 13 Nobody asked me to enter orbit. Why do I have to assume that's a thing?

Speaker 7 Bargie, you know that most sentients can't survive in the vacuum of space.

Speaker 13 No, I did not know that.

Speaker 10 You know, Bargie, I feel like we should probably be getting to some missions at some point. So, do you think you could, like, turn off your, you know, your

Speaker 13 nailed it? Some of us have situations they're in that requires them to not only have five, but seven side hustles at the moment.

Speaker 10 Okay, we've all got side hustles, Bargy, but we just.

Speaker 13 Anyway, I'm picking up an ex-customer.

Speaker 10 Alright, fine, fine.

Speaker 10 You know, CFG3, I forgot to ask, how are all the new protocols going?

Speaker 12 Very well, got a whole host of new diagnostics I can run on theCUBE, which has been revealing some interesting things.

Speaker 30 Really?

Speaker 16 Well, it turns out that mind-wiping is not a permanent process.

Speaker 9 Really?

Speaker 7 Well, it is if done correctly, but most people who were mind-wiping my cube weren't doing it in a hurry and frankly did a pretty poor job of it.

Speaker 32 Sometimes I'm just like standing around and I feel like my mind got wiped, you know?

Speaker 33 Where you're just like thinking and then you're like, wait, I haven't been thinking for a really long time.

Speaker 7 That's not a good idea.

Speaker 26 Yeah, I think that I think you're just describing.

Speaker 33 No.

Speaker 10 Papa Dexter. No.

Speaker 10 Hold on, before we pick that up, C53, please don't call me that.

Speaker 23 Papa Dexter?

Speaker 12 Yes.

Speaker 7 I thought that was the new nomenclature we all decided on.

Speaker 32 You did want to be called Master or Teacher, so I call it.

Speaker 10 No, Pleck is fine.

Speaker 20 And I got a vote, too, so I said yes. Papa, it is.

Speaker 7 So there was a clear majority. Okay.

Speaker 10 Papa Dexeter. You know, I'm gonna.
When I get a chance, I'm gonna look through those ancient texts and just see what the actual nomenclature is.

Speaker 7 Shall I answer that transmission?

Speaker 11 Sure.

Speaker 7 Papa Dexter?

Speaker 26 Yes, fine.

Speaker 10 Hey, Nermit, how's Philem?

Speaker 36 Ah, it's just a breezy afternoon here.

Speaker 37 What was that?

Speaker 35 That was a disease tornado.

Speaker 39 Yeah, I don't know if you could see it. That's kind of like a

Speaker 40 four-legged bird.

Speaker 6 Okay, okay, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down.

Speaker 3 Nermit, are you sure this is what you want?

Speaker 1 It's what I need.

Speaker 10 It must be.

Speaker 6 Nermit, I will say, you look significantly more clear-eyed than the last time I saw you.

Speaker 39 Absolutely. I'm living my purpose here on the harsh, steep cliffs of Philem.

Speaker 43 Nermit, that tornado that you just saw.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 43 Is that like a natural predator of the lerd? Is that

Speaker 41 we can normally talk them down.

Speaker 42 Okay, talk them down?

Speaker 6 Yeah, you can.

Speaker 21 with them? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 45 We dropped you off.

Speaker 39 Nah, it's not, you can't, um, it's it's sort of like not fair.

Speaker 42 Just be careful, okay?

Speaker 33 Just take care of yourself, right?

Speaker 7 Hey, what did you talk about? What did we talk about?

Speaker 2 Aw, uh, we've got a relationship.

Speaker 10 Just to be clear, Nermi, if you don't talk them down, they'll devour me fast.

Speaker 16 Okay, all right, just make it clear.

Speaker 39 And they're just memorizing this nest location, but

Speaker 43 you don't have any eggs to brood over, a snake.

Speaker 39 No,

Speaker 42 not yet, but that's maybe why they're sparing you.

Speaker 7 They're waiting for the eggs to show up.

Speaker 39 No, I think it's because I talked them down. One sec, guys.
I'm just going to climb down and check my system of extension cords leading down the cliff.

Speaker 41 The missionator is extension cords.

Speaker 39 Yeah, the power's down at the bottom near kind of the shore, and I reflect.

Speaker 43 I'm just sorry. Is Philenne, like, not a civilized planet?

Speaker 42 Like, do you not have like.

Speaker 21 Excuse me?

Speaker 43 I'm sorry.

Speaker 47 I just don't understand your point.

Speaker 2 No, I'm not sure.

Speaker 43 Also, someone from Rangus 6 should not be asking a question like that.

Speaker 49 I didn't mean subjectively civilized.

Speaker 43 I'm just saying, like.

Speaker 41 Let me turn the camera.

Speaker 39 You can see over that hill is where the gated community where my parents lived. I have this monitor I'm testing the range on for if I'm ever.

Speaker 43 Is that a baby monitor?

Speaker 4 Well,

Speaker 39 I mean, it's, well, next to me, it probably looks like an adult monitor, but it is a baby monitor.

Speaker 42 I've never heard of an adult monitor.

Speaker 39 I mean, I was just, that was just sort of a size thing. But yeah, so if I'm going to not be in the nest, I can

Speaker 39 listen. But I left the other one in my parents' house, so that's why.

Speaker 43 Nerman, you would leave the nest with a Tornada around and just hoped a baby monitor could do the trick?

Speaker 50 I haven't told him to figure out my whole strategy, but no, I mean, I wouldn't, but I... Nermit!

Speaker 42 Nermit! Nermit, Darling!

Speaker 47 Nermit, come into the community!

Speaker 42 Yes!

Speaker 45 Mom, Dad, stop it!

Speaker 41 You know I can't.

Speaker 47 Nermit, I saw a Tornada out there.

Speaker 33 You should come inside.

Speaker 51 I talked him down.

Speaker 43 Nermit, did you get the grad school applications that your father had up to you?

Speaker 29 Yes, mom.

Speaker 47 And have you filled any of them out, Nermit?

Speaker 41 I am a master missions operations manager. That's a degree higher than anything you could apply for with a paperwork.

Speaker 11 Listen, buddy, I've got three lines of argument for why you shouldn't meet me.

Speaker 46 Nermit, yes.

Speaker 14 Do we have a mission or what?

Speaker 39 Yes. All right, I'm going to just be on these cords.

Speaker 20 Again, Nermit, you do not have to be there. You could be on the ship.

Speaker 35 Dar, that is so sweet, but I know what you mean, and I am am here doing my duty.

Speaker 42 I think they mean what they mean, you know.

Speaker 23 Uh,

Speaker 20 for once I'm gonna agree with AJ Nermit, you could be here on Bargy with us. All we're doing is picking up ride chairs.

Speaker 42 Oh, jeez.

Speaker 54 Oh, uh, hey, how's it going? That's good.

Speaker 3 Uh, are you are you okay?

Speaker 31 Yeah, I'm fine.

Speaker 21 Are you bleeding?

Speaker 15 Yes.

Speaker 51 For pleasure, or did something happen?

Speaker 44 Can it be both?

Speaker 20 Honestly, yeah, it can be both.

Speaker 10 Don't actually go in there. Okay, oh, that's my room.

Speaker 20 Daryl talks to me at nauseum, and this guy, this is the guy I want to talk to, and I hear nothing.

Speaker 32 Who's Dar Daryl?

Speaker 42 Oh, okay.

Speaker 35 So, uh, I've been looking through

Speaker 35 all the data folders in this missionator, and I found something amazing. It's gonna help us in our fight against whackness with our metal for freshness.

Speaker 20 E.G., where do you you keep getting these cans that you're crushing on your head?

Speaker 34 Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 32 It's just a fridge, or I, you know, sometimes, like, if we go to a planet and I see a can, I'll be like, oh, I might need that later.

Speaker 10 To crush against your head? Yeah.

Speaker 23 Okay. Wow.

Speaker 27 What is the mission?

Speaker 14 Okay.

Speaker 25 Wow.

Speaker 35 Guys, we are traveling to the planet Duptor.

Speaker 32 Duptor? Have you heard of Duptor? Duptor. Righteous.

Speaker 7 Is that

Speaker 7 do it?

Speaker 42 Let's go. Let's go now.

Speaker 12 I don't know what we're doing there.

Speaker 7 Yeah, okay, so can you wait?

Speaker 7 Yes, good!

Speaker 36 Yes, Duptor is, of course, the source of Dubtornium, which powers none other than the Planet Crusher Crusher.

Speaker 7 It's an extremely unstable element, but incredibly powerful.

Speaker 35 Yes, if we remove the means of production, eh?

Speaker 10 Neri, are you suggesting we go to Duptor? Yeah.

Speaker 4 And what?

Speaker 10 Shut down a

Speaker 9 mining operation?

Speaker 32 Absolutely.

Speaker 36 You need to blow that sucker sky high.

Speaker 23 Sure.

Speaker 12 Perhaps we could convince this mining operation to work for us against Deptium.

Speaker 35 Huh. Then we could have our own Deptornium supply.

Speaker 7 Could power an entire fleet worth of ships.

Speaker 28 Bargie, do you run on Deptornium?

Speaker 13 Listen, like, I know you asked the question, but I just wanted to say there's a surge charge there on prices, so I'm very interested in going.

Speaker 23 That means there's a lot of traffic in and out here.

Speaker 35 You can get in undercover of freighters, and that means there's probably something cooking there. Probably get one to pulling out a big shipment of Deptornium.
Go get them, guys.

Speaker 32 Wait, what's the mission? I think I uh I think I got mine wiped just there.

Speaker 1 Guys, I'm gonna convince the heck out of this tornado.

Speaker 6 Bye.

Speaker 6 We've arrived at your destination. Correct, well,

Speaker 6 bye.

Speaker 3 See you later.

Speaker 14 Bye.

Speaker 15 I'll just jump from here.

Speaker 15 And

Speaker 20 totally fine. Oh, I have so many questions.

Speaker 53 Greetings, denizens of Flann Space.

Speaker 56 I am Bathaniel, the new and permanent translator for Flan Crime Lord Terek Costevi.

Speaker 56 I am definitely translating his declarations accurately and not slipping in stuff from my own side hustle, which is promoting high-quality products available at great value.

Speaker 56 What does Lord Terek have to say?

Speaker 19 This is verbatim!

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Speaker 53 A $13 value.

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Speaker 10 Alright, guys, let's go over the plan one more time.

Speaker 54 We're going to infiltrate this mine.

Speaker 10 We are going to find a chain of command to someone who we can convince to join our cause, and we can maybe infiltrate ultimately the reactor on this planet and shut it down.

Speaker 34 No, no.

Speaker 7 It might take weeks or months to generate the amount of grassroots support to turn this planet against the Emperor.

Speaker 27 Yeah, this is the linchpin.

Speaker 42 Got it.

Speaker 32 Dar and I will have blasters firing, right, Dar?

Speaker 20 But AJ gave me a blaster.

Speaker 33 I've gave him a blaster.

Speaker 7 How many blasters do you have, AJ?

Speaker 33 Brother, I've got blasters you can't even see.

Speaker 20 Wait, but actually, how many blasters do you have?

Speaker 32 One that I'm holding, the one I get to Dar, and then I put one in my anal cavity.

Speaker 7 Why did you do that? Just in case. Where is the barrel aimed?

Speaker 15 It's aimed up, but the safety's on, so I feel pretty good about it.

Speaker 20 The blaster is up in your anal cavity.

Speaker 22 AJ, it's gonna blast straight up.

Speaker 42 It's a lion's procedure, all quince.

Speaker 42 Yeah, we stick an extra small little tiny blaster up our anal cavity.

Speaker 7 This must be classified.

Speaker 23 I never heard about it.

Speaker 32 Of course, it classifies, incredibly classified.

Speaker 7 Your anal cavity is a damage.

Speaker 20 I do want to know, though, how did you get it into your anal cavity? Did you use lube? Did you just insert it?

Speaker 32 I used, yeah, federated line flube.

Speaker 32 Well, it's physically tailored to the genetic structure of a plant to get it right up that anal cavity.

Speaker 20 All of you are into this kind of thing.

Speaker 5 Oh, into it.

Speaker 33 We're required to do it. And our anal cavities are a little bit bigger than a normal Tellurian's.

Speaker 3 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 37 How much bigger? Listen, we have a lot of work to do.

Speaker 10 This planet isn't going to overthrow itself, okay?

Speaker 20 Pleck, I agree with you, and I know we should get to the task at hand. There isn't a lot of time, but I'm going to want to come right back.

Speaker 9 Yes, we'll get right back to it, Dar.

Speaker 21 Okay,

Speaker 7 does anyone else think it's unusual that all these ships are leaving the spaceport?

Speaker 6 Well, you're the only one arriving.

Speaker 42 Well, there's also that

Speaker 33 running towards us right now, flailing.

Speaker 54 Bargie, Bargie, Bargie, open the hatch.

Speaker 13 He's not. He didn't request me.
I can't just. That's not how it works.
That's not the protocol.

Speaker 11 Party, this isn't a rideshare thing.

Speaker 10 This is a mission. Just open the hatch.

Speaker 27 Parchy, I'll pay you.

Speaker 51 Open the hatch.

Speaker 23 Fine.

Speaker 51 Okay, okay, yeah, sure.

Speaker 54 Fine.

Speaker 10 What's going on?

Speaker 17 Everything's gonna blow. Are you not listening to me?

Speaker 57 Are you guys dense? This whole place, this entire planet, is gonna go kabooey.

Speaker 27 Kabooee?

Speaker 57 It's a reference to an explosion.

Speaker 57 That's the sound of an explosion.

Speaker 3 I thought it was Kabooe.

Speaker 20 No, Kabooey is very specific to this planet.

Speaker 7 Like, it depends on the elements.

Speaker 16 Sometimes it's a kaboom.

Speaker 7 Sometimes it's a cthoon.

Speaker 12 Sometimes it's a kaboom.

Speaker 25 Sometimes it's a krakoon.

Speaker 40 Okay. Yeah, okay.

Speaker 26 Sometimes it's a kabooey.

Speaker 49 This guy gets it.

Speaker 58 I like him.

Speaker 59 I like it. You're going to be on my team, bro.

Speaker 60 You're gonna be on my team.

Speaker 57 Can you guys get me out of here?

Speaker 50 All right, Bargie, let's go. Let's get back up to orbit.

Speaker 13 All right, again, I do not know where I'm taking them, therefore, I do not know how much money I'm getting as a total theatre.

Speaker 52 You just gotta get me out of here as fast as possible before they find me.

Speaker 22 Do you work here in the mine?

Speaker 30 Yes, I worked in the mine, and I will never, ever go back there.

Speaker 58 Yeah, I have seen darkness.

Speaker 11 Sir,

Speaker 10 we are here to help. I'm Zemonite, Pleck Deck Setter, and we're here to help you.

Speaker 11 What is your name?

Speaker 61 My name is Josiah josiah t turkleton and thank you for saving my life anytime anytime it looks like it was rough conditions down there i mean you know it's a feudal planet right uh the types of mining that we do it's very intense it's hard work the hours i'm talking 80 hour weeks this is this is intense stuff and uh

Speaker 42 yeah it can be do you get unlimited vacation is that like a perk is that part of it i don't think so there are no perks man this is when do we uh i have a question when do we get to the ship?

Speaker 20 This is...

Speaker 10 You're on the ship. No!

Speaker 58 I guess I... I'm so sorry.

Speaker 61 I thought when you guys were rescuing me that this was like maybe like a shuttle situation to like a real ship.

Speaker 13 Opening my hatchet. Alright, opening my hatchet.

Speaker 10 No, no, Bargy, Bargy, Bargy.

Speaker 50 Listen, he's been through a lot.

Speaker 61 You guys just saved me from a mining planet. Okay, just give me a second to catch my breath, and I apologize if I offended anyone about the status of this.
Do you still call it a ship?

Speaker 61 You still call this a ship?

Speaker 10 Listen, just I have a seat.

Speaker 30 You've been through a lot. You look.

Speaker 28 Somebody can give me a water.

Speaker 16 Yeah,

Speaker 16 yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 10 Here you go. I'll just.

Speaker 61 Actually, sparkling, can I get a sparkling water?

Speaker 16 Do you want a sparkling water?

Speaker 20 Looks like all of our sparkling cans have been emptied and crushed.

Speaker 33 Bargain does have an entire drawer full of mints.

Speaker 32 I think this is for the is it for ride sharing or

Speaker 13 ride share?

Speaker 15 Oh, and there is some bottled water here, I think, also for the ride sharing.

Speaker 38 Yes, bottle, please. Bottle, please.

Speaker 50 Okay, I guess I'll just pour this glass out.

Speaker 10 Listen, Josiah,

Speaker 10 you know, between you and me, as someone who has escaped from this mine, I think it's safe for us to tell you we were actually coming to Dubtor to undermine the whole operation there.

Speaker 26 Trust me.

Speaker 61 The place was ruined already.

Speaker 61 You don't need to get your filthy little paws in there.

Speaker 61 The mine was going down fast.

Speaker 10 I washed my hands a couple minutes ago when Dar told me you guys could do some firing.

Speaker 61 It looks like I'm seeing some grub.

Speaker 42 Yo, bro, watch what you say about Papa Dex Center.

Speaker 6 I'll take you back.

Speaker 3 Okay, wow.

Speaker 33 I'll take you out right now.

Speaker 61 It looks like I found the alpha.

Speaker 32 That's right. I am the alpha of this crew.

Speaker 46 I am the leader.

Speaker 30 Who is the leader?

Speaker 58 Yeah, just so I know who I should focus my idea.

Speaker 10 It's definitely not H8. We're all just, you know, we work together to liberate the galaxy from the clutches of the whack.

Speaker 28 It sounds like utter chaos.

Speaker 58 Okay.

Speaker 24 Who decides what you do?

Speaker 30 Well, he's like a little lizard guy.

Speaker 10 Currently, he's fighting with a bigger bird that might try to take his eggs.

Speaker 11 Okay, let's just focus who yells at all the other people.

Speaker 24 I do.

Speaker 26 Yeah, it's RG shit.

Speaker 61 Who makes sure that they're not, you know, you separate the children from their families so that they don't, you know, they don't grow up too cozy and they don't know each other.

Speaker 48 Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 7 I don't have a person that does that, or if that's necessary.

Speaker 10 You know, Josiah, I think we got off of the wrong foot. Why don't you tell us about what made you decide to leave this mine?

Speaker 61 I'm escaping. I don't really understand what I have to explain.

Speaker 59 Why am I being grilled here?

Speaker 10 No, I don't know.

Speaker 11 I just figured.

Speaker 30 We're saving who?

Speaker 11 We are saving you.

Speaker 10 I just figured we, you know, if you're going to save somebody, you know, it's important to know what the story is.

Speaker 7 Yeah, and just to be clear, you're definitely not saving us.

Speaker 61 I will acknowledge that maybe that wasn't a good use of the phrase.

Speaker 61 The bottled water is good, and I want to just. Let's just.

Speaker 59 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 61 I'm just, I was running a lot.

Speaker 7 Josiah, yeah, we apologize.

Speaker 16 That was, we're getting up in your business here.

Speaker 61 I mean, it's hard just walk away from your entire life.

Speaker 10 I get that.

Speaker 61 Let me just tell you this: that things were not always so bad on Dubtor. It used to be, you know, kind of an idyllic world.

Speaker 61 And, uh, you know, it was only until about a week ago that things really started.

Speaker 9 I'm opening up my adjacent

Speaker 13 year.

Speaker 11 Bargie.

Speaker 61 I was just getting into that story, too. That was gonna

Speaker 61 really heat up.

Speaker 24 Yeah, sorry, Josiah.

Speaker 10 Bargie is a zip driver right now, so just to make a little extra cash, just continue your story. Why were conditions so bad on the mining planet?

Speaker 61 Oh, well, there was a rebellion, and that's when things really went from good to bad.

Speaker 44 Sure, yeah.

Speaker 5 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 12 Was there a cruel overlord that they were

Speaker 25 attempting to overthrow?

Speaker 12 What?

Speaker 7 Just generally how rebellion works.

Speaker 30 Yeah, no, they were ungrateful.

Speaker 12 A benevolent leader, uh, betrayed by the mining.

Speaker 49 Yes, yes, that's I think that's how I would phrase it exactly.

Speaker 61 And so my, if you guys can just get me to the Emperor

Speaker 50 as fast as possible.

Speaker 10 You want us to get you to

Speaker 59 yeah, I'm escaping. Guys, are you guys trying to help me escape or not?

Speaker 54 Again, this is the first time.

Speaker 58 This would be much easier if one of you was the leader.

Speaker 33 Okay, all right.

Speaker 61 Can we just maybe pick one for the day?

Speaker 61 Maybe as... And I'm not a fan of elections, but I think it would be the quickest way to do this.

Speaker 23 You're not a fan of elections.

Speaker 60 I'm not a fan of your tone, bro.

Speaker 57 What is this?

Speaker 17 Why are you grilling me?

Speaker 21 Josiah, I feel like we're saving who?

Speaker 28 Again, it's definitely... There's no way that you're saving each other, right?

Speaker 7 Agent, in a way.

Speaker 49 Listen. I like this guy a lot.

Speaker 61 Josiah.

Speaker 58 Yes.

Speaker 10 You need to clarify something for us.

Speaker 9 Were you the one being overthrown on Dubtar?

Speaker 24 Yeah, why would you...

Speaker 61 That's why I was running so fast.

Speaker 8 We were.

Speaker 19 You opened the door.

Speaker 17 I thought you knew.

Speaker 28 You were screaming so loud.

Speaker 51 You were dressed in.

Speaker 20 What part of you screaming and running towards us would communicate? I'm an evil overlord being overthrown by people that I've indentured.

Speaker 61 To me, it's the really nice outfit. I'm pretty much the only one on the planet that basically has like really nice sandals.
I thought that was kind of a given.

Speaker 7 These are just sweatpants.

Speaker 44 What are you talking about?

Speaker 20 Why does your shirt have so many holes in it?

Speaker 7 That's cool. It is cool.

Speaker 61 Yeah, and then the people who work in the mines, they have full shirts, and that's why you know that they don't get the good shirts.

Speaker 23 What happens if they rep their shirt?

Speaker 61 Yeah, well, they would get them a new shirt. And honestly, that's when it gets really expensive running a mine.
And look, I work, I mean, I can't even tell you how much I have to work in this mine.

Speaker 25 How much do you have to work in the mine?

Speaker 61 So ideally, I do about 45 minutes in the morning.

Speaker 23 You said an 80-hour week?

Speaker 19 Well, yeah.

Speaker 61 I mean, I'm still checking in online.

Speaker 3 In a mine?

Speaker 61 So, have none of you guys ever run a mine before?

Speaker 4 No. No.

Speaker 20 Yes.

Speaker 60 Okay, the tall one gets it.

Speaker 61 So, look, just for those of you who don't know, running a mine, basically,

Speaker 58 you wait till your dad dies.

Speaker 61 And then when your dad dies, you are the one in charge of the mine.

Speaker 51 Oh, no.

Speaker 30 And then you get to yell at the lazy ones.

Speaker 61 And then you get to say, good job, to the ones that are not so lazy, and those are the good ones.

Speaker 8 And what you do is you want to promote the good ones.

Speaker 61 And then the lazy ones see that the good ones, oh, they're in a slightly bigger shack now. That's where they live, in these little shacks just outside of the mine.
They're very nice, though.

Speaker 61 Very nice shacks. It's all about kind of setting them up against each other.

Speaker 30 Now, typically, that's pretty good for production.

Speaker 58 We run into a little danger when you get into the rebellion territory.

Speaker 38 And that is what led me to you.

Speaker 32 Thanks to you, can I talk to you for a second?

Speaker 10 Yeah, just one second, just a Papa.

Speaker 32 Do you want me to blow this guy's head off?

Speaker 10 I mean, listen, I'm going to be honest with you, AJ. I do want that, but I think you shouldn't.

Speaker 28 I think that you shouldn't. Okay.

Speaker 8 Because, you know, maybe he can lead us to the Emperor, give us some information.

Speaker 23 We're talking about potentially killing this guy.

Speaker 30 We actually were.

Speaker 10 Yeah, we actually were.

Speaker 22 This is my first trip.

Speaker 7 Oh, no. Oh, boy.

Speaker 3 Oh, boy.

Speaker 20 I've never been to one.

Speaker 22 It's quite busy and big.

Speaker 10 Yeah, you know, this is a very famous ship. So five astronauts.

Speaker 16 You want to know everything about my life?

Speaker 20 I'm going to go ahead and jump feet first into the side. Are we talking about killing Josiah?

Speaker 46 Yes, we are talking about it.

Speaker 40 We're continuing to go.

Speaker 3 Thank God.

Speaker 20 I'm in favor. As long as we use the blasters stashed away in AJ's rectum.

Speaker 11 Okay, Dar,

Speaker 10 you need to give that a rest. That's for emergency use only.

Speaker 20 Pleck, I need you to look me in the eyes so I'm going going to pick you up real quick.

Speaker 20 As you and I both know,

Speaker 20 sentient creature growing inside of me and myself,

Speaker 20 we're not ingesting as much stimuli as we used to.

Speaker 20 But if I could just, out of curiosity, see how a Clint's rectum is specifically

Speaker 20 shaped to hold a blaster inside of it, that could really, you know, satiate my hunger for butthole imagery for the next three days dark i'm just gonna say this i don't think this is what asides are supposed to be for fine this is not what asides are for ow ow if they're not to talk about buttholes i don't know what asides are for okay all right i'm just looking for those mints where are those mints at you mentioned uh

Speaker 32 I like her.

Speaker 58 You're fun.

Speaker 61 You're the type of person I would put in charge of sentient resources down in the mine because sometimes people get really worked up after I really work them up.

Speaker 34 All right, Josiah, I want you to get down on the ground.

Speaker 42 I'm pulling the blast run you get down on the ground.

Speaker 44 AJ, AJ, power moves!

Speaker 61 Man, okay, I like this guy.

Speaker 33 Yeah, but we all hate this guy, right?

Speaker 10 No, I mean, yes, we do.

Speaker 7 Swap, he's not fresh.

Speaker 23 He's not fresh.

Speaker 10 No, he's definitely not fresh.

Speaker 50 But AJ, you just gotta

Speaker 10 Josiah, you're on our ship now, okay?

Speaker 10 And you may have run a pretty

Speaker 30 messy

Speaker 10 pretty jucked-up mine, but you're going to take us back there and you're going to tell us how to shut the whole thing down.

Speaker 10 Or my friend AJ is going to put a couple laser holes in your shirt, but more holes than it already has in it.

Speaker 11 And also your body.

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 20 Very intimidating.

Speaker 3 Very well.

Speaker 23 Second draft on the road.

Speaker 58 I'd like to just kind of just reiterate for you guys that the whole thing is over,

Speaker 61 okay?

Speaker 28 The mine is essentially shut down.

Speaker 10 What do you mean, essentially?

Speaker 61 The rebellion is basically a few months in, and then there's a new, quote-unquote, government.

Speaker 61 And then they're trying to, I mean, they're basically doing this thing where they're trying to force me to do something against my will that I don't want to do.

Speaker 12 And what is that?

Speaker 61 They want me to pay 10% of my profits for the mine to go to something for...

Speaker 27 Health, what is it?

Speaker 11 Health care.

Speaker 45 Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

Speaker 59 You sound just like one of those government nerds.

Speaker 28 Josiah, how much do you pay your workers in the mine?

Speaker 58 They're not workers, first of all.

Speaker 61 These are independent contractors, and that is very clear.

Speaker 10 That's actually not a difference. I'm pretty sure independent contractors are workers, yeah.

Speaker 61 I wish my dad was still here. He would know.

Speaker 10 How much do you pay them?

Speaker 61 It's not a pay thing. You know, we're like a family.
That's how I see it?

Speaker 25 Is that how they see it?

Speaker 58 They basically get they get a couple of croons a week, you know?

Speaker 22 A couple of croons a week for 80 hours at a mine?

Speaker 57 Did you not hear me mention that they live in some pretty nice shacks?

Speaker 17 Who is this guy?

Speaker 19 Who's saving who?

Speaker 23 Listen, Josiah, if the shacks are so nice, let me ask, do you live in a shack?

Speaker 61 Yeah, you can say I live in a shack.

Speaker 32 Do you live in a mansion, apartment, shack, or house?

Speaker 61 I live. I have one of each.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 10 Josiah.

Speaker 57 I'm a man of the people.

Speaker 61 You know, I hang out in the shack every now and then. I walk around.

Speaker 50 I say hi to the folks.

Speaker 61 They know me.

Speaker 21 I put on my

Speaker 52 fire.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 45 how dare you?

Speaker 20 How dare I? I've run a mine. I know exactly what this takes.

Speaker 4 Open that. You know what?

Speaker 19 I want out. Open the hatch.

Speaker 51 No, do not open the hatch, Margie.

Speaker 54 Do not open the hatch.

Speaker 6 Oh, no. Oh, no.

Speaker 58 And I think we all liked her, and that's a bummer.

Speaker 10 Josiah, why would these miners work for you in the first place?

Speaker 60 I give them free housing.

Speaker 61 It's like an internship of sorts.

Speaker 61 They get to come to the mine. They work for 80 or so years until they can't work anymore.

Speaker 4 Or

Speaker 24 until they get spotted by another mine.

Speaker 61 And I'm very cool about them going and working at other mines. By that point, I have their offspring to work in the mine.

Speaker 30 It's actually pretty cool.

Speaker 60 I'm a good guy.

Speaker 61 Look, I know what you guys want. You guys want to be part of a mission.

Speaker 28 There's a void of leadership.

Speaker 61 I'll step into that role, and I will be your leader. Take me to the Emperor.

Speaker 54 Listen.

Speaker 10 Is this a butthole thing, Dar?

Speaker 20 No. It was when he said he puts the offspring into the mines, and then the thought of young, sentient creatures working in mines

Speaker 44 really filled me with grave.

Speaker 20 I think it's like a hormonal thing, just imagining young, sentient beings working in minds for this shocking piece of trash.

Speaker 10 I'm with you. I'm with you.

Speaker 20 Look. And now I don't care about buttholes.
I just care about hurting him.

Speaker 19 Okay.

Speaker 10 I can't talk everyone out of killing this guy, Ben.

Speaker 32 I'm mad too. I just got out my butt gun.

Speaker 20 And I missed it?

Speaker 32 Yeah, I just passed it.

Speaker 29 Hey, Jack, how did you do this today?

Speaker 52 Oh, I love this gun.

Speaker 26 Where's this gun been?

Speaker 20 And you handed it to him?

Speaker 22 You just let him take it straight out of your hand.

Speaker 32 All he wanted to say, he said he wanted to look at it, and I handed it.

Speaker 3 Okay,

Speaker 10 let's all calm down. Let's all put down our butt guns.

Speaker 13 He hasn't downloaded the app. I'm just flying around.
Who even knows about how much money I could be getting? What is this?

Speaker 43 I like you.

Speaker 32 Bargy, dude. You're cool.

Speaker 13 Oh, also, I have a pickup.

Speaker 23 Argy, I don't know if it's a great time.

Speaker 11 It's a bad time, Argy.

Speaker 14 Thank you for picking me up.

Speaker 13 Okay, hi.

Speaker 22 The billion ship's leaving.

Speaker 13 This don't woman.

Speaker 2 You.

Speaker 4 Oh.

Speaker 45 Hey.

Speaker 44 you turkelton oh boy scum

Speaker 21 slime I'm sorry have we met clop

Speaker 20 I mean you've clearly met he knows exactly what you are.

Speaker 61 I don't know who this guy is at all.

Speaker 4 He's describing you to a T that internship was garbage

Speaker 44 This guy's like 75 years old I've been an intern for 49 years.

Speaker 7 Wow.

Speaker 8 That's too long.

Speaker 61 That's a long-term contract

Speaker 7 sign this page to give me academic credit. We get paid internships, sir.

Speaker 25 Yeah,

Speaker 61 you guys aren't counting the exposure. That's a payment.
It's a form of payment.

Speaker 12 And

Speaker 24 you're just like a suppressive personality.

Speaker 61 I'm trying to think of what you're just like a negative. I'm getting a lot of negative vibes from you.

Speaker 46 Barely alive.

Speaker 61 Yeah, that's probably the most negative part that I'm getting.

Speaker 16 Oh, quick, quick, uh, you download the app and you.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 14 figure out the

Speaker 22 baby.

Speaker 13 What? I have my own stuff.

Speaker 34 It's kind of like a Bartie story.

Speaker 32 It's called a B story, right?

Speaker 13 Yeah, I got my own B story. I have to figure out.

Speaker 23 Maybe that could be a C story as well.

Speaker 10 I don't think so.

Speaker 23 Anyway, not an idea.

Speaker 4 I don't know if you guys know this, but Josiah Turkelton is the scum of the grud.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we've been bottom of the boot of the ass of the world. Wow.

Speaker 30 Wow.

Speaker 23 Yeah, we.

Speaker 46 That's far down.

Speaker 37 That's pretty good.

Speaker 20 I'm a poet, and I am loving this takedown.

Speaker 15 You know my poetry.

Speaker 20 What is your name?

Speaker 46 Phileas Douth.

Speaker 10 Phileas Douth?

Speaker 59 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You had time to write poetry? This does not sound like a bad job.

Speaker 44 I did it in my hour off.

Speaker 20 Oh, you did get an hour off.

Speaker 25 That changes your mind about this guy.

Speaker 20 No, I'm being sarcastic. I know it's very hard to tell because that's constantly my tone.

Speaker 61 Now, here, I'm the guy with a a gun that smells like a butthole.

Speaker 60 Can we go to the Emperor, please?

Speaker 26 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 20 You smelled the blaster?

Speaker 19 Where?

Speaker 59 Where'd you guys find this gun? It's got a funky little zest to it.

Speaker 42 That's right.

Speaker 32 It's because it's from my anal cavity. And also, I can control it with this panel on my sleeve.

Speaker 7 Oh, oh, oh. Oh, no.

Speaker 23 You shouldn't have just told it to fire.

Speaker 14 Oh, this blaster hole smells like an ass.

Speaker 50 You gotta wait until he's pointing it at a plate.

Speaker 3 Oh no. My final poem.

Speaker 21 Phileas. No.

Speaker 46 Tender is the darkness of the tunnel of the death time that is now.

Speaker 26 That wasn't as good as the previous

Speaker 22 second stanza.

Speaker 4 Five asteroids for Bachie.

Speaker 58 I'm gonna say this.

Speaker 60 You guys are monsters. The way you just made the gun I was holding kill that guy?

Speaker 57 He could be working in a mine right now.

Speaker 16 You're not better than us, is what I'll say.

Speaker 59 I have two questions.

Speaker 60 Okay?

Speaker 61 My first one is, if you guys are better than me, then why does Barge have to get a second job?

Speaker 51 Huh? Huh? Listen.

Speaker 19 Two, who is saving who?

Speaker 13 I wish I'm working five.

Speaker 21 Five?

Speaker 13 I'm a zip driver.

Speaker 13 I, uh,

Speaker 29 I sell.

Speaker 13 Yes, I guess that's. But I'm not being paid, so that's not.

Speaker 16 It's pro bodo.

Speaker 20 Are you selling the footage of us sleeping again?

Speaker 13 We're selling that footage.

Speaker 9 I don't know,

Speaker 13 and I sell that jewelry on a Betsy site.

Speaker 23 That's three.

Speaker 24 What a disgusting way of life you guys have set up for Bargie here.

Speaker 50 Bargie, what if I told you that you could have just one job?

Speaker 4 No, Bargie.

Speaker 54 And you could work with him.

Speaker 60 You could focus all of your talents?

Speaker 61 You have so many talents.

Speaker 44 Oh, wow.

Speaker 58 What a ship.

Speaker 61 You could focus all of your talents on one thing.

Speaker 13 I mean, I did do that,

Speaker 13 and it bit it bit me on the back of my hole. Yeah.
Uh-huh, so it really depends what the job is.

Speaker 16 It's gonna be working in a mine.

Speaker 61 It's working in a mine.

Speaker 10 Yes. No, it's far too much exposure.

Speaker 54 Do not listen.

Speaker 10 Josiah, do you even know what your mind does? Your mind makes.

Speaker 61 Yeah, it makes money.

Speaker 59 It makes croon, dude.

Speaker 10 It also produces dubtornium, which powers the planet crusher crusher.

Speaker 61 Yeah, yeah and

Speaker 61 the planet crushers destroyed the lives of billions of people i don't really see the connection what they do with it when they get it that's up to them here's how i see it is that i am i'm really a middleman i just uh i see a thing in inside of the mountains of dubtor obviously i get it out and then i basically i find these people who want the thing from the mountain and then i give it to them for a lot of kroon oh so much it's really it's quite quite cool what I do.

Speaker 32 I'll say this right now.

Speaker 42 AJ Hate late stage capitalism.

Speaker 28 Thank you, AJ.

Speaker 7 AJ,

Speaker 30 I thought you looked so cool crushing those cans, too, bro.

Speaker 32 I'm taking my butt gun back.

Speaker 44 Oh!

Speaker 12 Wow, that's really.

Speaker 61 Yeah, that explains why you called it a butt gum and the smell.

Speaker 16 You know, it explains this smell.

Speaker 10 Everybody Clint has that big red button on their arm, and I've always wondered what it does.

Speaker 42 Recalls your butt gun.

Speaker 13 Oh, this is weird. We're uh we're going back to to Dubtour.

Speaker 13 I have a pickup. VIP.

Speaker 3 Wait, what?

Speaker 7 Oh, you got a vipzip?

Speaker 13 I got a vipzip.

Speaker 57 We're going back to dubtour?

Speaker 10 You know, just I kind of feel like we can't re- I think we've really reached the end of the road with you. I think it's time for you to go home.

Speaker 3 You can't take me back there.

Speaker 17 They're gonna shred me to pieces.

Speaker 7 Are they literally going to shred you to pieces?

Speaker 57 No, they're gonna shred the 10% of my profit to pieces. Everything my father worked for, and then I I just looked into 10 years ago is going to go away.

Speaker 16 All of it.

Speaker 57 And I'm not even finished.

Speaker 10 When you say all of it, you mean 10% of it.

Speaker 57 Well, 100% is all of it, and it'll no longer be 100%. That's everything.

Speaker 7 10% is a very, very light tax rate.

Speaker 59 This is why you guys are so bad at business.

Speaker 57 And you guys don't understand.

Speaker 58 This is like, I am a job creator.

Speaker 30 For all of these people, and they show no respect.

Speaker 24 Okay?

Speaker 61 Because I want to give them 10%, and then the next thing they're going to want is is water during their work periods, or they're going to want to be able to bring snacks.

Speaker 59 It's a slippery slope, and they're also going to want me to fix that slippery slope.

Speaker 30 I don't want to do that.

Speaker 25 30% is considered standard in most parts of the galaxy.

Speaker 61 Oh, geez, how do you even feed a family on 70%?

Speaker 16 I mean, those are your tokens you're prescribing now.

Speaker 13 Bingo, rest in peace. We used to take 70%.

Speaker 61 I want to tell you that this has been truly the worst ship experience I've ever had.

Speaker 20 You didn't even pay for it.

Speaker 13 I'm happy you're not on the app then, so.

Speaker 61 Well, I'm sure the government will just pay for it once I start shipping in my 10%.

Speaker 59 I've got families not to feed.

Speaker 13 Well, I'm opening up my hatch.

Speaker 29 When we have arrived,

Speaker 45 I'm holding on. I'm still holding on.

Speaker 13 There it is.

Speaker 5 Oh, it is

Speaker 13 the new writers.

Speaker 45 Wow, what a ship.

Speaker 6 What a ship.

Speaker 60 I am also a normal miner.

Speaker 52 Get out of here.

Speaker 52 No!

Speaker 13 And knowing that that sort of person, they're probably faking it. Yep, they're still there, tipping you over, dumping you out.

Speaker 33 He's just lowering his voice quieter, hi.

Speaker 13 His voice is just lowering, he's still hanging on to

Speaker 33 the door.

Speaker 16 Chip him over.

Speaker 52 My hands are so slippery from that butt gun.

Speaker 16 Okay, he's actually falling, must chip.

Speaker 10 Yeah,

Speaker 46 makes sense.

Speaker 10 Listen, Nermit, we weren't able to infiltrate the mine, but we did actually meet the guy who runs it, and we found out a lot about how it works.

Speaker 10 It's a real mess.

Speaker 13 This is amazing.

Speaker 35 We can, we now have information on how to infiltrate and take down the only source of Duptornium, which is the only thing that can power the Planet Crusher Crusher.

Speaker 20 Alright, one dub step at a time. Yeah,

Speaker 10 thank you, Dar. That's that's very true.

Speaker 11 Right, right, right.

Speaker 10 So, all we need to do is just, you know, I'd say, let's give it a couple days. We come back, we try to find another way into the mine.

Speaker 12 I'm getting an unusual amount of activity in the airspace surrounding Duptor.

Speaker 31 What do you mean?

Speaker 54 Look at this.

Speaker 7 Thousands of escape pods leaving the planet. Whoa.

Speaker 23 I mean, this could be the entire population.

Speaker 22 AJ, could you?

Speaker 15 I could.

Speaker 15 Oh, that's right.

Speaker 6 That is right.

Speaker 52 Wow.

Speaker 11 Wait, Dart, why are you...

Speaker 27 Why are you clapping?

Speaker 52 That guy.

Speaker 30 Wow. What?

Speaker 20 I didn't think you'd do it, but he was actually a lot smarter than I took him for. What do you mean he's not? He went the insurance route.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 20 And if I were him,

Speaker 20 which I almost am, I guess, I'd be calling you right now to rub it in your face.

Speaker 10 Alright.

Speaker 52 What's up?

Speaker 51 Josiah, what's up?

Speaker 12 Did you blow up your own?

Speaker 32 First of all, you gotta respond with a what's up.

Speaker 42 What's up?

Speaker 25 No, AJ.

Speaker 10 Stop.

Speaker 10 Josiah, did you blow up your mind to get the insurance money?

Speaker 11 No.

Speaker 33 You see the way I raised my voice though, and that was easier than me.

Speaker 47 Uh, yeah, my hands were tied.

Speaker 10 Well, you know, uh, Josiah, I really hate to say this, but thank you for blowing up that mine.

Speaker 33 What?

Speaker 35 You destroyed the only source of Deptornium. The power's the Planet Crusher Crusher.
Now that thing is a limp biscuit.

Speaker 7 Good luck getting the planet crusher crusher rolling now.

Speaker 21 Oh boy.

Speaker 20 Rolling, rolling now.

Speaker 55 Well, I'm off. You know, I'm in, I'm in what you might call a real ship.
I have a lot of brothers, and they've got their own planets, and they've got their own minds. And I'll find work.

Speaker 47 It'll be fine. We'll figure it out.

Speaker 55 But I just want to thank you guys for the hospitality. I had a great time meeting some of you.

Speaker 55 Barch, if you ever need a gig,

Speaker 55 you know, a real gig.

Speaker 13 Listen, as you people, send me the notice. Just me, though, to my people, because I am my own money.

Speaker 10 You don't want to work in a mine.

Speaker 16 There's no money.

Speaker 13 Oh, the non-Antreson.

Speaker 55 Sorry. Okay, yeah, I just thought I thought I was pretty clear about that over the past

Speaker 32 how long we've been here?

Speaker 55 But there's no money in this. Oh, yeah, no.

Speaker 42 For you guys.

Speaker 13 Don't even bring it up. Okay.
Fuck!

Speaker 47 Alright, button exposure!

Speaker 10 Josiah, listen. I hope that wherever you're headed, your ship crashes or that your brothers cast you out into space.

Speaker 55 I really appreciate that, man.

Speaker 40 No problem.

Speaker 10 Well, sometimes you complete a mission and it doesn't really go the way you want, but you got it done, you know?

Speaker 20 Yeah, I know what you mean.

Speaker 20 Wow, it's been so great just like sitting here and like listening and seeing how you guys work.

Speaker 35 Who is that?

Speaker 10 Oh, yeah, sorry, this is one of Bargy's fairs.

Speaker 20 My name is Mick Lick Litter, and I'm Bar.

Speaker 23 And I am C-54. I'm DJ.

Speaker 42 I'm gonna crush this water bottle. bottle.

Speaker 32 That guy's annoying, am I right?

Speaker 21 Oh, geez.

Speaker 25 This is weird. Yeah, I don't like this.

Speaker 20 I'm kind of into it.

Speaker 20 This is Sea Red IT5, credits and attributes joint, commencing outro protocol.

Speaker 63 Pop-up Fleck Deck Center was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bend.
Dar was played by Ali Kokesh. Bargie the Ship was played by Mujan Zolfogari.

Speaker 63 Master Missions Operations Manager Nervet Bundeloy was played by Seth Lynn. AJ was played by Winston Null.
Josiah T. Turpleton was played by special guest Zach Broussard.

Speaker 63 Zach writes and acts television. You can follow him at Zach Broussard on Twitter and Instagram.
This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Speaker 63 Recorded at Robert Docky Jr.'s Cuppy Pound in Brooklyn, New York, and Maximum Fun in Los Angeles. Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by fames Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Speaker 63 Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Chip design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goist.
Audio hosting by Simplecast. Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Speaker 63 And don't forget, Mission to Zix will be eating barbecue and performing live in Nashville, Tennessee at the PodX Podcast Convention on the weekend of June 1st.

Speaker 63 We'll be improvising a brand new episode, appearing on panels, and hanging out with you. Get your tickets at mission2zix.space and check out the full weekend lineup at podx.com.

Speaker 64 Hello, this is Amy Mann.

Speaker 62 And I'm Ted Leo.

Speaker 65 And we have a podcast called The Art of Process.

Speaker 66 We've been lucky enough over the past year to talk to some of our friends and acquaintances from across the creative spectrum to find out how they actually work.

Speaker 20 So, I have to write material that makes sense and makes people laugh. I also have to think about what I'm saying to people.

Speaker 62 If I kick your ass, I'll make you famous.

Speaker 67 The fight to get LGBTQ representation in the show.

Speaker 64 We weirdly don't know as many musicians as you would expect.

Speaker 69 I really just became a political speechwriter by accident, realizing that I have accidentally pulled my pants down.

Speaker 66 Listen and subscribe at maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcast. It's like if the guinea pig was complicit in helping the scientist.

Speaker 65 Hi, it's me, Paula Poundstone.

Speaker 68 And it's me, Adam Felber.

Speaker 65 We have a podcast called Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone. It's a comedy podcast where we bring on experts to teach us stuff we need to know.

Speaker 68 And by the way, the guy who came to tell us what to do when you encounter a bear never showed up.

Speaker 65 Anyway, it's fun. You are guaranteed laughs in every episode.

Speaker 68 You can't really guarantee laughs. What if somebody doesn't laugh? We'll get sued.

Speaker 65 Join us for our next episode when we have an expert in consumer law explain to us how to defend ourselves against one humorless, litigious shut-in with enough time on their hands to sue us over our unfulfilled claim of guaranteed laughs in every episode here at MaximumFund.org.

Speaker 68 The cat of the week is Mabel from Green Bank, West Virginia.

Speaker 24 MaximumFund.org.

Speaker 68 Comedy and culture. Artist owned, audience supported.

Speaker 16 Okay, this time it's real.

Speaker 51 He's just lowering his voice quieter and higher.

Speaker 18 Yeah, his voice is just lowering. He's still hanging on.
Because I'm going to just like

Speaker 51 chip him over.

Speaker 18 My hatch doesn't do anything.

Speaker 24 All right, let's make a deal, you freaks.

Speaker 61 You give me one mint, and I'll leave out.

Speaker 48 If I'll leave this ship with a little dignity and a little respect, something you guys never showed me, huh?

Speaker 51 Counterproposal, I fart in your mouth.

Speaker 5 Who's this guy?

Speaker 45 Sorry, he's just a writer. Oh.

Speaker 58 This guy knows about tough negotiations though.