304: Unaccompanied Miner [ft. Zach Broussard]

It is a time of fear and unrest.

Emperor Nermit Bundaloy rules the galaxy with an iron fist and also a planet crusher.

Crusher.

Now, Zema Knight Pleck Dexetter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat whackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This is Mission to Sink.

What was going on last night?

I felt like Bargie was stopping and starting and stopping and starting.

Well, Bargie has become

connected with a ride-sharing surface.

What are you talking about?

I'm a zip driver now.

She picks up people around the galaxy and then takes them where they want to go.

Like me!

Oh no.

Hi.

Who are you?

This is Daryl.

Hi, I'm Daryl Farcaster.

Yeah, Daryl and I have just been catching up.

I apparently wanted to see every photo of every one of his kids.

Well, that's me.

Get out.

Oh, Daryl.

Oh, man.

I don't know.

All I know is I pick him up and I drop him off.

There was no other disturbance.

At least inside the atmosphere.

Okay, that makes sense sense because my rating right now is half of a asteroid.

Okay.

Oh wow, yeah, zero asteroids.

That's a shame.

I listened to Daryl talk forever.

I was so nice to him.

Well, what are his comments?

Good conversation.

Did not enter orbit.

I guess that accounts for all the points then.

Nobody asked me to enter orbit.

Why do I have to assume that's a thing?

Bargie, you know that most sentients can't survive in the vacuum of space.

No, I did not know that.

You know, Bargie, I feel like we should probably be getting to some missions at some point.

So, do you think you could, like, turn off your, you know, your

nailed it?

Some of us have situations they're in that requires them to not only have five, but seven side hustles at the moment.

Okay, we've all got side hustles, Bargy, but we just.

Anyway, I'm picking up an ex-customer.

Alright, fine, fine.

You know, CFG3, I forgot to ask, how are all the new protocols going?

Very well, got a whole host of new diagnostics I can run on theCUBE, which has been revealing some interesting things.

Really?

Well, it turns out that mind-wiping is not a permanent process.

Really?

Well, it is if done correctly, but most people who were mind-wiping my cube weren't doing it in a hurry and frankly did a pretty poor job of it.

Sometimes I'm just like standing around and I feel like my mind got wiped, you know?

Where you're just like thinking and then you're like, wait, I haven't been thinking for a really long time.

That's not a good idea.

Yeah, I think that I think you're just describing.

No.

Papa Dexter.

No.

Hold on, before we pick that up, C53, please don't call me that.

Papa Dexter?

Yes.

I thought that was the new nomenclature we all decided on.

You did want to be called Master or Teacher, so I call it.

No, Pleck is fine.

And I got a vote, too, so I said yes.

Papa, it is.

So there was a clear majority.

Okay.

Papa Dexeter.

You know, I'm gonna.

When I get a chance, I'm gonna look through those ancient texts and just see what the actual nomenclature is.

Shall I answer that transmission?

Sure.

Papa Dexter?

Yes, fine.

Hey, Nermit, how's Philem?

Ah, it's just a breezy afternoon here.

What was that?

That was a disease tornado.

Yeah, I don't know if you could see it.

That's kind of like a

four-legged bird.

Okay, okay, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down.

Nermit, are you sure this is what you want?

It's what I need.

It must be.

Nermit, I will say, you look significantly more clear-eyed than the last time I saw you.

Absolutely.

I'm living my purpose here on the harsh, steep cliffs of Philem.

Nermit, that tornado that you just saw.

Yes.

Is that like a natural predator of the lerd?

Is that

we can normally talk them down.

Okay, talk them down?

Yeah, you can.

with them?

Yeah, yeah.

We dropped you off.

Nah, it's not, you can't, um, it's it's sort of like not fair.

Just be careful, okay?

Just take care of yourself, right?

Hey, what did you talk about?

What did we talk about?

Aw, uh, we've got a relationship.

Just to be clear, Nermi, if you don't talk them down, they'll devour me fast.

Okay, all right, just make it clear.

And they're just memorizing this nest location, but

you don't have any eggs to brood over, a snake.

No,

not yet, but that's maybe why they're sparing you.

They're waiting for the eggs to show up.

No, I think it's because I talked them down.

One sec, guys.

I'm just going to climb down and check my system of extension cords leading down the cliff.

The missionator is extension cords.

Yeah, the power's down at the bottom near kind of the shore, and I reflect.

I'm just sorry.

Is Philenne, like, not a civilized planet?

Like, do you not have like.

Excuse me?

I'm sorry.

I just don't understand your point.

No, I'm not sure.

Also, someone from Rangus 6 should not be asking a question like that.

I didn't mean subjectively civilized.

I'm just saying, like.

Let me turn the camera.

You can see over that hill is where the gated community where my parents lived.

I have this monitor I'm testing the range on for if I'm ever.

Is that a baby monitor?

Well,

I mean, it's, well, next to me, it probably looks like an adult monitor, but it is a baby monitor.

I've never heard of an adult monitor.

I mean, I was just, that was just sort of a size thing.

But yeah, so if I'm going to not be in the nest, I can

listen.

But I left the other one in my parents' house, so that's why.

Nerman, you would leave the nest with a Tornada around and just hoped a baby monitor could do the trick?

I haven't told him to figure out my whole strategy, but no, I mean, I wouldn't, but I...

Nermit!

Nermit!

Nermit, Darling!

Nermit, come into the community!

Yes!

Mom, Dad, stop it!

You know I can't.

Nermit, I saw a Tornada out there.

You should come inside.

I talked him down.

Nermit, did you get the grad school applications that your father had up to you?

Yes, mom.

And have you filled any of them out, Nermit?

I am a master missions operations manager.

That's a degree higher than anything you could apply for with a paperwork.

Listen, buddy, I've got three lines of argument for why you shouldn't meet me.

Nermit, yes.

Do we have a mission or what?

Yes.

All right, I'm going to just be on these cords.

Again, Nermit, you do not have to be there.

You could be on the ship.

Dar, that is so sweet, but I know what you mean, and I am am here doing my duty.

I think they mean what they mean, you know.

Uh,

for once I'm gonna agree with AJ Nermit, you could be here on Bargy with us.

All we're doing is picking up ride chairs.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, uh, hey, how's it going?

That's good.

Uh, are you are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Are you bleeding?

Yes.

For pleasure, or did something happen?

Can it be both?

Honestly, yeah, it can be both.

Don't actually go in there.

Okay, oh, that's my room.

Daryl talks to me at nauseum, and this guy, this is the guy I want to talk to, and I hear nothing.

Who's Dar Daryl?

Oh, okay.

So, uh, I've been looking through

all the data folders in this missionator, and I found something amazing.

It's gonna help us in our fight against whackness with our metal for freshness.

E.G., where do you you keep getting these cans that you're crushing on your head?

Yeah, I don't know.

It's just a fridge, or I, you know, sometimes, like, if we go to a planet and I see a can, I'll be like, oh, I might need that later.

To crush against your head?

Yeah.

Okay.

Wow.

What is the mission?

Okay.

Wow.

Guys, we are traveling to the planet Duptor.

Duptor?

Have you heard of Duptor?

Duptor.

Righteous.

Is that

do it?

Let's go.

Let's go now.

I don't know what we're doing there.

Yeah, okay, so can you wait?

Yes, good!

Yes, Duptor is, of course, the source of Dubtornium, which powers none other than the Planet Crusher Crusher.

It's an extremely unstable element, but incredibly powerful.

Yes, if we remove the means of production, eh?

Neri, are you suggesting we go to Duptor?

Yeah.

And what?

Shut down a

mining operation?

Absolutely.

You need to blow that sucker sky high.

Sure.

Perhaps we could convince this mining operation to work for us against Deptium.

Huh.

Then we could have our own Deptornium supply.

Could power an entire fleet worth of ships.

Bargie, do you run on Deptornium?

Listen, like, I know you asked the question, but I just wanted to say there's a surge charge there on prices, so I'm very interested in going.

That means there's a lot of traffic in and out here.

You can get in undercover of freighters, and that means there's probably something cooking there.

Probably get one to pulling out a big shipment of Deptornium.

Go get them, guys.

Wait, what's the mission?

I think I uh I think I got mine wiped just there.

Guys, I'm gonna convince the heck out of this tornado.

Bye.

We've arrived at your destination.

Correct, well,

bye.

See you later.

Bye.

I'll just jump from here.

And

totally fine.

Oh, I have so many questions.

Greetings, denizens of Flann Space.

I am Bathaniel, the new and permanent translator for Flan Crime Lord Terek Costevi.

I am definitely translating his declarations accurately and not slipping in stuff from my own side hustle, which is promoting high-quality products available at great value.

What does Lord Terek have to say?

This is verbatim!

The most amazing shave I have ever had was with a Harry's razor.

Never before have I experienced such a comfortable glide.

Look at this incredibly close shave, this ever-so-smooth skin, delivered with a razor that is a pleasure to hold.

Harry's offers a simple, clean design with quality, durable blades at a fair price.

And Harry's replacement cartridges are just $2

each.

Plus, like this, if you go to Harry's.com slash mission, you will get a trial set worth $13.

The set comes with everything you need for a close, comfortable shave, shave, including a weighted ergonomic handle, a five-blade razor with lubricating strip and a trimmer blade, rich, lathering shave gel, and a travel blade cover.

A $13 value.

Redeem your trial set now at harry's.com slash mission.

It is totally the will of your fearsome leader, Terek Postemi!

Alright, guys, let's go over the plan one more time.

We're going to infiltrate this mine.

We are going to find a chain of command to someone who we can convince to join our cause, and we can maybe infiltrate ultimately the reactor on this planet and shut it down.

No, no.

It might take weeks or months to generate the amount of grassroots support to turn this planet against the Emperor.

Yeah, this is the linchpin.

Got it.

Dar and I will have blasters firing, right, Dar?

But AJ gave me a blaster.

I've gave him a blaster.

How many blasters do you have, AJ?

Brother, I've got blasters you can't even see.

Wait, but actually, how many blasters do you have?

One that I'm holding, the one I get to Dar, and then I put one in my anal cavity.

Why did you do that?

Just in case.

Where is the barrel aimed?

It's aimed up, but the safety's on, so I feel pretty good about it.

The blaster is up in your anal cavity.

AJ, it's gonna blast straight up.

It's a lion's procedure, all quince.

Yeah, we stick an extra small little tiny blaster up our anal cavity.

This must be classified.

I never heard about it.

Of course, it classifies, incredibly classified.

Your anal cavity is a damage.

I do want to know, though, how did you get it into your anal cavity?

Did you use lube?

Did you just insert it?

I used, yeah, federated line flube.

Well, it's physically tailored to the genetic structure of a plant to get it right up that anal cavity.

All of you are into this kind of thing.

Oh, into it.

We're required to do it.

And our anal cavities are a little bit bigger than a normal Tellurian's.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

How much bigger?

Listen, we have a lot of work to do.

This planet isn't going to overthrow itself, okay?

Pleck, I agree with you, and I know we should get to the task at hand.

There isn't a lot of time, but I'm going to want to come right back.

Yes, we'll get right back to it, Dar.

Okay,

does anyone else think it's unusual that all these ships are leaving the spaceport?

Well, you're the only one arriving.

Well, there's also that

running towards us right now, flailing.

Bargie, Bargie, Bargie, open the hatch.

He's not.

He didn't request me.

I can't just.

That's not how it works.

That's not the protocol.

Party, this isn't a rideshare thing.

This is a mission.

Just open the hatch.

Parchy, I'll pay you.

Open the hatch.

Fine.

Okay, okay, yeah, sure.

Fine.

What's going on?

Everything's gonna blow.

Are you not listening to me?

Are you guys dense?

This whole place, this entire planet, is gonna go kabooey.

Kabooee?

It's a reference to an explosion.

That's the sound of an explosion.

I thought it was Kabooe.

No, Kabooey is very specific to this planet.

Like, it depends on the elements.

Sometimes it's a kaboom.

Sometimes it's a cthoon.

Sometimes it's a kaboom.

Sometimes it's a krakoon.

Okay.

Yeah, okay.

Sometimes it's a kabooey.

This guy gets it.

I like him.

I like it.

You're going to be on my team, bro.

You're gonna be on my team.

Can you guys get me out of here?

All right, Bargie, let's go.

Let's get back up to orbit.

All right, again, I do not know where I'm taking them, therefore, I do not know how much money I'm getting as a total theatre.

You just gotta get me out of here as fast as possible before they find me.

Do you work here in the mine?

Yes, I worked in the mine, and I will never, ever go back there.

Yeah, I have seen darkness.

Sir,

we are here to help.

I'm Zemonite, Pleck Deck Setter, and we're here to help you.

What is your name?

My name is Josiah josiah t turkleton and thank you for saving my life anytime anytime it looks like it was rough conditions down there i mean you know it's a feudal planet right uh the types of mining that we do it's very intense it's hard work the hours i'm talking 80 hour weeks this is this is intense stuff and uh

yeah it can be do you get unlimited vacation is that like a perk is that part of it i don't think so there are no perks man this is when do we uh i have a question when do we get to the ship?

This is...

You're on the ship.

No!

I guess I...

I'm so sorry.

I thought when you guys were rescuing me that this was like maybe like a shuttle situation to like a real ship.

Opening my hatchet.

Alright, opening my hatchet.

No, no, Bargy, Bargy, Bargy.

Listen, he's been through a lot.

You guys just saved me from a mining planet.

Okay, just give me a second to catch my breath, and I apologize if I offended anyone about the status of this.

Do you still call it a ship?

You still call this a ship?

Listen, just I have a seat.

You've been through a lot.

You look.

Somebody can give me a water.

Yeah,

yeah, absolutely.

Here you go.

I'll just.

Actually, sparkling, can I get a sparkling water?

Do you want a sparkling water?

Looks like all of our sparkling cans have been emptied and crushed.

Bargain does have an entire drawer full of mints.

I think this is for the is it for ride sharing or

ride share?

Oh, and there is some bottled water here, I think, also for the ride sharing.

Yes, bottle, please.

Bottle, please.

Okay, I guess I'll just pour this glass out.

Listen, Josiah,

you know, between you and me, as someone who has escaped from this mine, I think it's safe for us to tell you we were actually coming to Dubtor to undermine the whole operation there.

Trust me.

The place was ruined already.

You don't need to get your filthy little paws in there.

The mine was going down fast.

I washed my hands a couple minutes ago when Dar told me you guys could do some firing.

It looks like I'm seeing some grub.

Yo, bro, watch what you say about Papa Dex Center.

I'll take you back.

Okay, wow.

I'll take you out right now.

It looks like I found the alpha.

That's right.

I am the alpha of this crew.

I am the leader.

Who is the leader?

Yeah, just so I know who I should focus my idea.

It's definitely not H8.

We're all just, you know, we work together to liberate the galaxy from the clutches of the whack.

It sounds like utter chaos.

Okay.

Who decides what you do?

Well, he's like a little lizard guy.

Currently, he's fighting with a bigger bird that might try to take his eggs.

Okay, let's just focus who yells at all the other people.

I do.

Yeah, it's RG shit.

Who makes sure that they're not, you know, you separate the children from their families so that they don't, you know, they don't grow up too cozy and they don't know each other.

Oh, I don't know.

I don't have a person that does that, or if that's necessary.

You know, Josiah, I think we got off of the wrong foot.

Why don't you tell us about what made you decide to leave this mine?

I'm escaping.

I don't really understand what I have to explain.

Why am I being grilled here?

No, I don't know.

I just figured.

We're saving who?

We are saving you.

I just figured we, you know, if you're going to save somebody, you know, it's important to know what the story is.

Yeah, and just to be clear, you're definitely not saving us.

I will acknowledge that maybe that wasn't a good use of the phrase.

The bottled water is good, and I want to just.

Let's just.

I'm so sorry.

I'm just, I was running a lot.

Josiah, yeah, we apologize.

That was, we're getting up in your business here.

I mean, it's hard just walk away from your entire life.

I get that.

Let me just tell you this: that things were not always so bad on Dubtor.

It used to be, you know, kind of an idyllic world.

And, uh, you know, it was only until about a week ago that things really started.

I'm opening up my adjacent

year.

Bargie.

I was just getting into that story, too.

That was gonna

really heat up.

Yeah, sorry, Josiah.

Bargie is a zip driver right now, so just to make a little extra cash, just continue your story.

Why were conditions so bad on the mining planet?

Oh, well, there was a rebellion, and that's when things really went from good to bad.

Sure, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Was there a cruel overlord that they were

attempting to overthrow?

What?

Just generally how rebellion works.

Yeah, no, they were ungrateful.

A benevolent leader, uh, betrayed by the mining.

Yes, yes, that's I think that's how I would phrase it exactly.

And so my, if you guys can just get me to the Emperor

as fast as possible.

You want us to get you to

yeah, I'm escaping.

Guys, are you guys trying to help me escape or not?

Again, this is the first time.

This would be much easier if one of you was the leader.

Okay, all right.

Can we just maybe pick one for the day?

Maybe as...

And I'm not a fan of elections, but I think it would be the quickest way to do this.

You're not a fan of elections.

I'm not a fan of your tone, bro.

What is this?

Why are you grilling me?

Josiah, I feel like we're saving who?

Again, it's definitely...

There's no way that you're saving each other, right?

Agent, in a way.

Listen.

I like this guy a lot.

Josiah.

Yes.

You need to clarify something for us.

Were you the one being overthrown on Dubtar?

Yeah, why would you...

That's why I was running so fast.

We were.

You opened the door.

I thought you knew.

You were screaming so loud.

You were dressed in.

What part of you screaming and running towards us would communicate?

I'm an evil overlord being overthrown by people that I've indentured.

To me, it's the really nice outfit.

I'm pretty much the only one on the planet that basically has like really nice sandals.

I thought that was kind of a given.

These are just sweatpants.

What are you talking about?

Why does your shirt have so many holes in it?

That's cool.

It is cool.

Yeah, and then the people who work in the mines, they have full shirts, and that's why you know that they don't get the good shirts.

What happens if they rep their shirt?

Yeah, well, they would get them a new shirt.

And honestly, that's when it gets really expensive running a mine.

And look, I work, I mean, I can't even tell you how much I have to work in this mine.

How much do you have to work in the mine?

So ideally, I do about 45 minutes in the morning.

You said an 80-hour week?

Well, yeah.

I mean, I'm still checking in online.

In a mine?

So, have none of you guys ever run a mine before?

No.

No.

Yes.

Okay, the tall one gets it.

So, look, just for those of you who don't know, running a mine, basically,

you wait till your dad dies.

And then when your dad dies, you are the one in charge of the mine.

Oh, no.

And then you get to yell at the lazy ones.

And then you get to say, good job, to the ones that are not so lazy, and those are the good ones.

And what you do is you want to promote the good ones.

And then the lazy ones see that the good ones, oh, they're in a slightly bigger shack now.

That's where they live, in these little shacks just outside of the mine.

They're very nice, though.

Very nice shacks.

It's all about kind of setting them up against each other.

Now, typically, that's pretty good for production.

We run into a little danger when you get into the rebellion territory.

And that is what led me to you.

Thanks to you, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, just one second, just a Papa.

Do you want me to blow this guy's head off?

I mean, listen, I'm going to be honest with you, AJ.

I do want that, but I think you shouldn't.

I think that you shouldn't.

Okay.

Because, you know, maybe he can lead us to the Emperor, give us some information.

We're talking about potentially killing this guy.

We actually were.

Yeah, we actually were.

This is my first trip.

Oh, no.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

I've never been to one.

It's quite busy and big.

Yeah, you know, this is a very famous ship.

So five astronauts.

You want to know everything about my life?

I'm going to go ahead and jump feet first into the side.

Are we talking about killing Josiah?

Yes, we are talking about it.

We're continuing to go.

Thank God.

I'm in favor.

As long as we use the blasters stashed away in AJ's rectum.

Okay, Dar,

you need to give that a rest.

That's for emergency use only.

Pleck, I need you to look me in the eyes so I'm going going to pick you up real quick.

As you and I both know,

sentient creature growing inside of me and myself,

we're not ingesting as much stimuli as we used to.

But if I could just, out of curiosity, see how a Clint's rectum is specifically

shaped to hold a blaster inside of it, that could really, you know, satiate my hunger for butthole imagery for the next three days dark i'm just gonna say this i don't think this is what asides are supposed to be for fine this is not what asides are for ow ow if they're not to talk about buttholes i don't know what asides are for okay all right i'm just looking for those mints where are those mints at you mentioned uh

I like her.

You're fun.

You're the type of person I would put in charge of sentient resources down in the mine because sometimes people get really worked up after I really work them up.

All right, Josiah, I want you to get down on the ground.

I'm pulling the blast run you get down on the ground.

AJ, AJ, power moves!

Man, okay, I like this guy.

Yeah, but we all hate this guy, right?

No, I mean, yes, we do.

Swap, he's not fresh.

He's not fresh.

No, he's definitely not fresh.

But AJ, you just gotta

Josiah, you're on our ship now, okay?

And you may have run a pretty

messy

pretty jucked-up mine, but you're going to take us back there and you're going to tell us how to shut the whole thing down.

Or my friend AJ is going to put a couple laser holes in your shirt, but more holes than it already has in it.

And also your body.

Yeah.

Very intimidating.

Very well.

Second draft on the road.

I'd like to just kind of just reiterate for you guys that the whole thing is over,

okay?

The mine is essentially shut down.

What do you mean, essentially?

The rebellion is basically a few months in, and then there's a new, quote-unquote, government.

And then they're trying to, I mean, they're basically doing this thing where they're trying to force me to do something against my will that I don't want to do.

And what is that?

They want me to pay 10% of my profits for the mine to go to something for...

Health, what is it?

Health care.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah.

You sound just like one of those government nerds.

Josiah, how much do you pay your workers in the mine?

They're not workers, first of all.

These are independent contractors, and that is very clear.

That's actually not a difference.

I'm pretty sure independent contractors are workers, yeah.

I wish my dad was still here.

He would know.

How much do you pay them?

It's not a pay thing.

You know, we're like a family.

That's how I see it?

Is that how they see it?

They basically get they get a couple of croons a week, you know?

A couple of croons a week for 80 hours at a mine?

Did you not hear me mention that they live in some pretty nice shacks?

Who is this guy?

Who's saving who?

Listen, Josiah, if the shacks are so nice, let me ask, do you live in a shack?

Yeah, you can say I live in a shack.

Do you live in a mansion, apartment, shack, or house?

I live.

I have one of each.

Okay.

Josiah.

I'm a man of the people.

You know, I hang out in the shack every now and then.

I walk around.

I say hi to the folks.

They know me.

I put on my

fire.

Oh,

how dare you?

How dare I?

I've run a mine.

I know exactly what this takes.

Open that.

You know what?

I want out.

Open the hatch.

No, do not open the hatch, Margie.

Do not open the hatch.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

And I think we all liked her, and that's a bummer.

Josiah, why would these miners work for you in the first place?

I give them free housing.

It's like an internship of sorts.

They get to come to the mine.

They work for 80 or so years until they can't work anymore.

Or

until they get spotted by another mine.

And I'm very cool about them going and working at other mines.

By that point, I have their offspring to work in the mine.

It's actually pretty cool.

I'm a good guy.

Look, I know what you guys want.

You guys want to be part of a mission.

There's a void of leadership.

I'll step into that role, and I will be your leader.

Take me to the Emperor.

Listen.

Is this a butthole thing, Dar?

No.

It was when he said he puts the offspring into the mines, and then the thought of young, sentient creatures working in mines

really filled me with grave.

I think it's like a hormonal thing, just imagining young, sentient beings working in minds for this shocking piece of trash.

I'm with you.

I'm with you.

Look.

And now I don't care about buttholes.

I just care about hurting him.

Okay.

I can't talk everyone out of killing this guy, Ben.

I'm mad too.

I just got out my butt gun.

And I missed it?

Yeah, I just passed it.

Hey, Jack, how did you do this today?

Oh, I love this gun.

Where's this gun been?

And you handed it to him?

You just let him take it straight out of your hand.

All he wanted to say, he said he wanted to look at it, and I handed it.

Okay,

let's all calm down.

Let's all put down our butt guns.

He hasn't downloaded the app.

I'm just flying around.

Who even knows about how much money I could be getting?

What is this?

I like you.

Bargy, dude.

You're cool.

Oh, also, I have a pickup.

Argy, I don't know if it's a great time.

It's a bad time, Argy.

Thank you for picking me up.

Okay, hi.

The billion ship's leaving.

This don't woman.

You.

Oh.

Hey.

you turkelton oh boy scum

slime I'm sorry have we met clop

I mean you've clearly met he knows exactly what you are.

I don't know who this guy is at all.

He's describing you to a T that internship was garbage

This guy's like 75 years old I've been an intern for 49 years.

Wow.

That's too long.

That's a long-term contract

sign this page to give me academic credit.

We get paid internships, sir.

Yeah,

you guys aren't counting the exposure.

That's a payment.

It's a form of payment.

And

you're just like a suppressive personality.

I'm trying to think of what you're just like a negative.

I'm getting a lot of negative vibes from you.

Barely alive.

Yeah, that's probably the most negative part that I'm getting.

Oh, quick, quick, uh, you download the app and you.

Yeah.

figure out the

baby.

What?

I have my own stuff.

It's kind of like a Bartie story.

It's called a B story, right?

Yeah, I got my own B story.

I have to figure out.

Maybe that could be a C story as well.

I don't think so.

Anyway, not an idea.

I don't know if you guys know this, but Josiah Turkelton is the scum of the grud.

Yeah, we've been bottom of the boot of the ass of the world.

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah, we.

That's far down.

That's pretty good.

I'm a poet, and I am loving this takedown.

You know my poetry.

What is your name?

Phileas Douth.

Phileas Douth?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You had time to write poetry?

This does not sound like a bad job.

I did it in my hour off.

Oh, you did get an hour off.

That changes your mind about this guy.

No, I'm being sarcastic.

I know it's very hard to tell because that's constantly my tone.

Now, here, I'm the guy with a a gun that smells like a butthole.

Can we go to the Emperor, please?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You smelled the blaster?

Where?

Where'd you guys find this gun?

It's got a funky little zest to it.

That's right.

It's because it's from my anal cavity.

And also, I can control it with this panel on my sleeve.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, no.

You shouldn't have just told it to fire.

Oh, this blaster hole smells like an ass.

You gotta wait until he's pointing it at a plate.

Oh no.

My final poem.

Phileas.

No.

Tender is the darkness of the tunnel of the death time that is now.

That wasn't as good as the previous

second stanza.

Five asteroids for Bachie.

I'm gonna say this.

You guys are monsters.

The way you just made the gun I was holding kill that guy?

He could be working in a mine right now.

You're not better than us, is what I'll say.

I have two questions.

Okay?

My first one is, if you guys are better than me, then why does Barge have to get a second job?

Huh?

Huh?

Listen.

Two, who is saving who?

I wish I'm working five.

Five?

I'm a zip driver.

I, uh,

I sell.

Yes, I guess that's.

But I'm not being paid, so that's not.

It's pro bodo.

Are you selling the footage of us sleeping again?

We're selling that footage.

I don't know,

and I sell that jewelry on a Betsy site.

That's three.

What a disgusting way of life you guys have set up for Bargie here.

Bargie, what if I told you that you could have just one job?

No, Bargie.

And you could work with him.

You could focus all of your talents?

You have so many talents.

Oh, wow.

What a ship.

You could focus all of your talents on one thing.

I mean, I did do that,

and it bit it bit me on the back of my hole.

Yeah.

Uh-huh, so it really depends what the job is.

It's gonna be working in a mine.

It's working in a mine.

Yes.

No, it's far too much exposure.

Do not listen.

Josiah, do you even know what your mind does?

Your mind makes.

Yeah, it makes money.

It makes croon, dude.

It also produces dubtornium, which powers the planet crusher crusher.

Yeah, yeah and

the planet crushers destroyed the lives of billions of people i don't really see the connection what they do with it when they get it that's up to them here's how i see it is that i am i'm really a middleman i just uh i see a thing in inside of the mountains of dubtor obviously i get it out and then i basically i find these people who want the thing from the mountain and then i give it to them for a lot of kroon oh so much it's really it's quite quite cool what I do.

I'll say this right now.

AJ Hate late stage capitalism.

Thank you, AJ.

AJ,

I thought you looked so cool crushing those cans, too, bro.

I'm taking my butt gun back.

Oh!

Wow, that's really.

Yeah, that explains why you called it a butt gum and the smell.

You know, it explains this smell.

Everybody Clint has that big red button on their arm, and I've always wondered what it does.

Recalls your butt gun.

Oh, this is weird.

We're uh we're going back to to Dubtour.

I have a pickup.

VIP.

Wait, what?

Oh, you got a vipzip?

I got a vipzip.

We're going back to dubtour?

You know, just I kind of feel like we can't re- I think we've really reached the end of the road with you.

I think it's time for you to go home.

You can't take me back there.

They're gonna shred me to pieces.

Are they literally going to shred you to pieces?

No, they're gonna shred the 10% of my profit to pieces.

Everything my father worked for, and then I I just looked into 10 years ago is going to go away.

All of it.

And I'm not even finished.

When you say all of it, you mean 10% of it.

Well, 100% is all of it, and it'll no longer be 100%.

That's everything.

10% is a very, very light tax rate.

This is why you guys are so bad at business.

And you guys don't understand.

This is like, I am a job creator.

For all of these people, and they show no respect.

Okay?

Because I want to give them 10%, and then the next thing they're going to want is is water during their work periods, or they're going to want to be able to bring snacks.

It's a slippery slope, and they're also going to want me to fix that slippery slope.

I don't want to do that.

30% is considered standard in most parts of the galaxy.

Oh, geez, how do you even feed a family on 70%?

I mean, those are your tokens you're prescribing now.

Bingo, rest in peace.

We used to take 70%.

I want to tell you that this has been truly the worst ship experience I've ever had.

You didn't even pay for it.

I'm happy you're not on the app then, so.

Well, I'm sure the government will just pay for it once I start shipping in my 10%.

I've got families not to feed.

Well, I'm opening up my hatch.

When we have arrived,

I'm holding on.

I'm still holding on.

There it is.

Oh, it is

the new writers.

Wow, what a ship.

What a ship.

I am also a normal miner.

Get out of here.

No!

And knowing that that sort of person, they're probably faking it.

Yep, they're still there, tipping you over, dumping you out.

He's just lowering his voice quieter, hi.

His voice is just lowering, he's still hanging on to

the door.

Chip him over.

My hands are so slippery from that butt gun.

Okay, he's actually falling, must chip.

Yeah,

makes sense.

Listen, Nermit, we weren't able to infiltrate the mine, but we did actually meet the guy who runs it, and we found out a lot about how it works.

It's a real mess.

This is amazing.

We can, we now have information on how to infiltrate and take down the only source of Duptornium, which is the only thing that can power the Planet Crusher Crusher.

Alright, one dub step at a time.

Yeah,

thank you, Dar.

That's that's very true.

Right, right, right.

So, all we need to do is just, you know, I'd say, let's give it a couple days.

We come back, we try to find another way into the mine.

I'm getting an unusual amount of activity in the airspace surrounding Duptor.

What do you mean?

Look at this.

Thousands of escape pods leaving the planet.

Whoa.

I mean, this could be the entire population.

AJ, could you?

I could.

Oh, that's right.

That is right.

Wow.

Wait, Dart, why are you...

Why are you clapping?

That guy.

Wow.

What?

I didn't think you'd do it, but he was actually a lot smarter than I took him for.

What do you mean he's not?

He went the insurance route.

Yeah.

And if I were him,

which I almost am, I guess, I'd be calling you right now to rub it in your face.

Alright.

What's up?

Josiah, what's up?

Did you blow up your own?

First of all, you gotta respond with a what's up.

What's up?

No, AJ.

Stop.

Josiah, did you blow up your mind to get the insurance money?

No.

You see the way I raised my voice though, and that was easier than me.

Uh, yeah, my hands were tied.

Well, you know, uh, Josiah, I really hate to say this, but thank you for blowing up that mine.

What?

You destroyed the only source of Deptornium.

The power's the Planet Crusher Crusher.

Now that thing is a limp biscuit.

Good luck getting the planet crusher crusher rolling now.

Oh boy.

Rolling, rolling now.

Well, I'm off.

You know, I'm in, I'm in what you might call a real ship.

I have a lot of brothers, and they've got their own planets, and they've got their own minds.

And I'll find work.

It'll be fine.

We'll figure it out.

But I just want to thank you guys for the hospitality.

I had a great time meeting some of you.

Barch, if you ever need a gig,

you know, a real gig.

Listen, as you people, send me the notice.

Just me, though, to my people, because I am my own money.

You don't want to work in a mine.

There's no money.

Oh, the non-Antreson.

Sorry.

Okay, yeah, I just thought I thought I was pretty clear about that over the past

how long we've been here?

But there's no money in this.

Oh, yeah, no.

For you guys.

Don't even bring it up.

Okay.

Fuck!

Alright, button exposure!

Josiah, listen.

I hope that wherever you're headed, your ship crashes or that your brothers cast you out into space.

I really appreciate that, man.

No problem.

Well, sometimes you complete a mission and it doesn't really go the way you want, but you got it done, you know?

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Wow, it's been so great just like sitting here and like listening and seeing how you guys work.

Who is that?

Oh, yeah, sorry, this is one of Bargy's fairs.

My name is Mick Lick Litter, and I'm Bar.

And I am C-54.

I'm DJ.

I'm gonna crush this water bottle.

bottle.

That guy's annoying, am I right?

Oh, geez.

This is weird.

Yeah, I don't like this.

I'm kind of into it.

This is Sea Red IT5, credits and attributes joint, commencing outro protocol.

Pop-up Fleck Deck Center was played by Alden Ford.

C-53 was played by Jeremy Bend.

Dar was played by Ali Kokesh.

Bargie the Ship was played by Mujan Zolfogari.

Master Missions Operations Manager Nervet Bundeloy was played by Seth Lynn.

AJ was played by Winston Null.

Josiah T.

Turpleton was played by special guest Zach Broussard.

Zach writes and acts television.

You can follow him at Zach Broussard on Twitter and Instagram.

This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Recorded at Robert Docky Jr.'s Cuppy Pound in Brooklyn, New York, and Maximum Fun in Los Angeles.

Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by fames Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Chip design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goist.

Audio hosting by Simplecast.

Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

And don't forget, Mission to Zix will be eating barbecue and performing live in Nashville, Tennessee at the PodX Podcast Convention on the weekend of June 1st.

We'll be improvising a brand new episode, appearing on panels, and hanging out with you.

Get your tickets at mission2zix.space and check out the full weekend lineup at podx.com.

Hello, this is Amy Mann.

And I'm Ted Leo.

And we have a podcast called The Art of Process.

We've been lucky enough over the past year to talk to some of our friends and acquaintances from across the creative spectrum to find out how they actually work.

So, I have to write material that makes sense and makes people laugh.

I also have to think about what I'm saying to people.

If I kick your ass, I'll make you famous.

The fight to get LGBTQ representation in the show.

We weirdly don't know as many musicians as you would expect.

I really just became a political speechwriter by accident, realizing that I have accidentally pulled my pants down.

Listen and subscribe at maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcast.

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We have a podcast called Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone.

It's a comedy podcast where we bring on experts to teach us stuff we need to know.

And by the way, the guy who came to tell us what to do when you encounter a bear never showed up.

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Comedy and culture.

Artist owned, audience supported.

Okay, this time it's real.

He's just lowering his voice quieter and higher.

Yeah, his voice is just lowering.

He's still hanging on.

Because I'm going to just like

chip him over.

My hatch doesn't do anything.

All right, let's make a deal, you freaks.

You give me one mint, and I'll leave out.

If I'll leave this ship with a little dignity and a little respect, something you guys never showed me, huh?

Counterproposal, I fart in your mouth.

Who's this guy?

Sorry, he's just a writer.

Oh.

This guy knows about tough negotiations though.