303: A Quiet Place [ft. Cathryn Mudon]

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It is a

Now, Zima Knight, Pleck Dexetter, and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat whackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This is Mission to sink.

A C53?

Yes.

Have you seen Nermit?

I have, and I'm a little concerned.

Nermit,

get down.

Why are you on top of the refrigerator?

What do you mean?

I'm nest.

I'm.

I'm nesting.

What?

What do you mean you're nesting?

Well, it's just obviously, I'm about to become a parent.

Well, we don't know.

And we don't know that for sure.

I know.

I know in my heart that I am about to become a parent, and as a

self-respecting lerd,

I have to nest.

But why on top of the refrigerator?

You have a terrarium.

No, a nest needs to be high up on an edge so that

we can get enough sunlight once the young is in here, once there's enough light and air.

Right, but there's no sunlight.

It's a biological imperative.

It can't be.

I can't get into the freezer either.

Well, these are problems for you.

You're going to block my raising of my child through your because of your needs for ice?

I tore my rotator cuff and I.

What?

Do we have any cool pack cold sacks in the fridge?

Oh, yeah, we should have one.

Nermit, do you mind if we...

You're going to treat a torn rotator cuff with a cool pack cold sack?

That's what I've been traded to do.

Oh, yeah.

Alright, I'm going to move.

I'm going to move this, and you can get in there to get a cool pack, brand, cold sack, or a cold sack, brand cool pack.

AJ, I just I just want to be sure.

Do you know that a tornado cuff is a pretty serious injury?

That's usually a months-long recovery period.

Well, because I am a former clit, we were all bred to heal quickly.

All I have to do is apply a cool pack cold sack and it'll knit itself together.

So keep watching.

Look at that.

Look at that rotation.

Look at that rotation.

That's really impressive.

No, No, it's all cuffs good now.

AJ, that's actually really impressive.

Uh, guys, I just want to apologize.

I've used up all the cold water.

Okay.

Dar, can I ask?

Yeah.

Dar, can I ask a sort of maybe insensitive question?

That would be on brand for you, so go right ahead.

Okay.

Is this a pregnant thing or like a horny thing?

I would say it's a horny thing that cannot be resolved because of a pregnant thing.

Sure.

Okay.

Fair enough.

Gotcha.

All right.

Typically, I'd watch porn and, you know, rub out a couple eighteen.

Yeah, you're good.

I get it.

I just don't want the little being inside of me to have to hear that.

Yep, a lot of grinding.

Margie, I have an incoming call from Leximar Pwinch.

Yep, been trying to call me all all week ever since we left and I'm gonna tell him anything in particular.

Okay.

Ghost him.

Margie, Leximar Pwinch is the biggest agent in Hollywood.

You told us that.

Yeah, no, he's great.

You know, he makes things happen.

He put me in all the movies.

He gave me all the money that I didn't squandered and got a bunch of people angry and coming after me.

And he's probably wondering, Bargie, where are you?

You know, you have contracts.

You can't just disappear.

You know, we're gonna sue you.

Yeah, just ghost him.

So you're you're just avoiding it.

Yeah, just passively just avoiding.

Seems like a temporary solution.

My new life motto is keep it under the rug and then sell the rug.

Oh, is that where you got all the dirt, Nermit?

Oh, yeah, the once Bargie sold the rug, I was able to access a lot more nest dirt, and then I.

I don't know if it's healthy for you or your children to make a dirt nest.

Nermit, yes, can the nest wait for like

the afternoon?

Because I feel like, you know, now that we're back in the Zig Squadron, I feel like we gotta get to work.

Okay, I ran an extension cord up here to get the missionator up here.

So, if you can.

Alright, I'm gonna just move some of this.

Under this trash here, all right, mission time.

All right,

AJ, AJ, we don't usually get super excited about it.

But it's a mission, right?

And honestly, we're not that excited about missions after we know what the mission is.

Who are we doing a mission for?

What do you mean?

We're doing

this is a mission for

the good.

But you're not gonna pay me, right?

This is all just like pro bono?

It's kind of a deferred situation.

I thought the payment is exposure, that's what I was told.

No, that's a fallacy.

That should never be payment.

Kind of a fallacy.

Well, Bargie, if we overthrow the Emperor, we might have a shot at changing a number of tax laws.

Would that interest you?

Hold on.

Huh.

Let me think about it for a second.

Okay.

Okay.

Huh.

Huh.

What's happening?

Bargie's thinking about the tech whether or not she should have tax laws changed.

Huh.

That's it?

Yeah.

I mean, you would visit to track five and uh oh, you don't have to run your actual numbers, it's more of like a general million.

Well, maybe

go ahead and sign the mission.

Alright, I, Master Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundaloy, signing the first mission under such title.

We are

going to a lava planet?

No, it's it.

No.

Oh, we don't guess before?

No, not you don't.

We just let him tell.

We are going to the locust of knowledge.

Whoa.

Total nonsense.

I thought you know that planet.

An establishment devoted to the illumination of the mind.

Yes, okay.

Yes.

Okay.

We are going to the repository of the most sacred information in all of the quadrant.

Oh, heck, the whole galaxy.

We are going to the public library.

The what?

What?

What?

I mean, let me look at that screen.

The public library.

Yes.

Why did you pronounce it that way?

I don't know.

I just...

I felt like you guys got really excited.

I was just worried it was going to be a downer.

So I made it pretentious.

Then why did you build it up so much before?

No, it's the C53.

This is where a huge collection of original Zima scrolls is housed.

What?

Yes.

Yes.

Well, I mean, you know, actually, I have a copy of each of the scrolls.

No.

What do you mean, no?

He has them in his room.

No, No, no, no.

I mean, it might have needed some of them for nesting materials, and that's why.

Dermot!

What is

huh?

Is this one of my ancient Zima scrolls?

Yeah, but I mean, I'm assuming you memorized it, and that's why we're going here.

We're going to have to go to the house.

No, you have the scroll.

I have to refer to them.

Well, we're going to the public library.

We're going to get them.

Pleck, you could see why he would confuse it for dirt and or garbage.

It's very ancient.

It looks, yes, it's at first glance.

These ancient scrolls look like garbage.

Papa, Papa Dex Editor.

Please

stop calling Plekis.

I don't have a lot of room in there.

I just have to put them where they fit.

So, guys, we're out on the missions of our lives.

And we need to know things.

Okay,

you know what?

I'll go pick up some of the ancient scrolls if I can find them.

Great.

Yeah, maybe C53, is there anything you can pick up?

I would really appreciate the opportunity to update my

diplomatic protocols.

I used to have a huge library of them, but most of them was replaced with on and off burger operating procedures.

Oh, yeah, you probably don't need those anymore.

No, I don't I don't think so.

Dark and figure out how to, you know, sort of like uh solve this horny problem, absolutely.

At the library?

Yeah.

Any public library worth its salt has a choice collection of literatica.

Is that true?

I would hope so.

I think I've been doing libraries wrong the whole time.

And I will be, of course, just uh looking in, you know, sort of like parenthood section.

Nermit, what is it?

I don't know.

I feel like you're jumping the gun just a little bit.

A father knows.

Is that an expression?

A father knows when they are a father in the future.

I mean, I don't know.

That's the full expression and the short version of the father knows.

Fair enough.

And then AJ could learn anything.

Yeah, I think I've been clip with the best reading.

Mevel.

Did you just say reading Mevel?

What?

No.

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Library.

Okay, AJ.

AJ, you can't be this lounge in here.

The library is typically a quiet, content space.

No, you

probably it's gonna get clean.

Group there, you group, please take your boots.

Please remove your boots and your shoes.

Any footwear, please?

Any and all footwear, please leave it in the hydro cubby.

Okay, I'm just gonna pull these to your left.

I have to put my shoes in this bucket of water.

It's a hydro cubby.

It's a hydro cubby, you put it in.

You know what?

Sure, I'll take them off.

There you go.

That's a very formal uniform.

Are you the head librarian here?

Yes, you can call me Poopins.

Uh, Poopins, great to meet you.

Uh, my name is uh Zema Knight, Pleck Deck Setter.

This is C53, AJ,

Dar,

and Nermit.

Greetings.

Are you called head or librarian because you're mostly a head?

Oh, you've got little, like, tiny.

Is it a joke, the word joke?

No, it just you your head seems bigger than your, like, much bigger.

Seem like most of the time.

By what ratio?

By what standard ratio?

You've got a very clotic view of what a being is supposed to look like.

That's all.

I have what would be called by some as a very attractive ratio for my species.

Okay, yeah, I mean, I think it really

you really wear it well, Poopins.

But your

big-ass head has nothing to do with you being called a head librarian.

AJ, no.

No, head librarian is a title that you would earn by having a big ass head.

No.

Here's the problem with you interlopers: the wordplay, these word jokes, they're so limited.

The idiomatic, they don't translate across the universe.

So, for me to even fake a chortle at head librarian, and I understand it because I speak 89 languages, but it's it's just so

uh banal.

Yeah, yeah.

Poopins, how long have you been working at this uh public library?

Publique Librari.

Oh, I'm sorry, Publique Librari.

Wait a second, I said it right.

Of course, how else would you pronounce it?

Exactly.

It's not public library.

I mean, perhaps in some dialects, but around truly, around here, anybody, the public librarians.

I mean, maybe a more ignorant person would say publique librarians

for children's dark.

Well, you've got to update my particles.

Working in libraries has been in my family for four generations.

Wow, that's.

And how long have you been at this library?

98 years.

Wow.

What is

saying it really, really, you know, makes it real.

Yeah, do you get to retire at a certain point?

No.

Okay.

We just die and then we get crystallized and then you see those busts?

You see all the busts that line the top?

There we are.

Wow.

All the little heads.

Wait, well, you can only see the heads.

Well, I figured they were just heads, but those are the full bodies.

Those are your those are your family, your your ancestors?

Yes, it's a crypt of sorts I don't even think you need of sorts

just a crypto Wow Poopins could you please direct me to the parenting section

well first of all congratulations when's the duty

uh you know it's uh 18 months well wow quite a gestation period yes it's uh well it's a it's a

nermit that's very nice of you to try and help me out with finding the parenting books but actually,

I was curious, where do the perverts go in this library?

Ah,

right over here.

Lots of people.

I'm taking these nice people to the erotica corner.

Don't make eye contact, just follow me, don't look them in the eye.

No, come this way.

Your mom has 12 holes.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Look me in my eyes.

My eyes are true.

Look me in the eyes.

Pooke, I may have honestly

truly underestimated the level of pervert here.

I want to skip over the,

you know, the picture books.

Take me to the beautifully written prose, like paragraphs upon paragraphs of like, you know, undressing corsets and that sort of thing.

Ah, yes.

Here we go.

These top three shells.

Please, sir, please stop looking at me with your genitals.

I'm.

My eyes are up here.

Oh.

Where my genitals are.

Ah, of course.

Yeah.

I just want something that's really going to build to a climax.

Ooh, well, I have this one.

It's 9,000 pages long.

So it's quite a long, long read, but by those first few pages, oh, the climax will be tremendous.

Challenge accepted.

Thank you.

Enjoy.

Now, parenting was it?

Yes.

Thank you so much for remembering.

Okay.

The second you see the mahogany, just pass that.

Okay, I am going to pull this ladder and this wheelie stool.

Both.

Good luck, Nermit.

Thank you.

You know, just by the way,

I don't know.

I wouldn't say you need to spend too much time there.

I think you're...

No, no, no.

I want to be one of those involved, prepared dads.

Sure.

A lot of people think it's just for the omnisexual, multi-gendered other parent, but I think the dad should be really involved.

Okay.

Close thing I had to a father was a big

tube of blue liquid I was floating around in.

Oh, where you uh your your body was built from the genetic building block.

That's right.

Yeah,

I don't think that's your first time.

That's probably

tried to ground me once.

The liquid.

The liquid.

At first, I wanted to be like that tube of blue liquid, but that's not a good role.

Yeah,

you didn't really get me.

That makes sense.

I hate him.

Okay.

I'm not gonna be like him.

Yeah, you won't need him.

You won't be like, I'm not my dad.

I'm not a tube of blue liquid.

Yeah, that's good.

That's good.

Please, keep, please, keep, please.

I'm I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, Poopins.

Listen, Poopins.

Don't look at them.

Poopins, for a public library, this is a pretty big, comprehensive place.

With a central branch.

Oh, I mean, sure, yeah, I guess so.

I just, this is a really impressive facility you got here.

I was told that there may be some ancient texts here.

I'm looking for something on the Zima religion.

Do you have anything related to that?

Of course.

Oh, of course.

Oh, follow me right now.

Yeah, AJ,

AJ's my protege, sort of.

And so, you know, I kind of wanted to show him a couple ancient texts, kind of get him, you know, get him started on something.

You all can read, correct?

Yes.

Okay.

Okay, AJ.

Nothing keeps my pet worse than people who can't read strolling into the Librari.

Sure.

Yeah, well, we definitely all know how to read.

Good.

What would people come into a librari for if they weren't going to be reading?

Sweet, sweet internet.

Okay, that makes sense.

Yeah.

Alright.

I'm sorry.

Poopins.

Let's say out of every 100 people that comes into a publique librari, how many of them are perverts?

99.

Okay.

Wow.

Well, you five.

How many is in your group?

Yeah, it's five.

Yep, 95.

Okay.

Well, me, 94.

Me, you guys.

Sure, you come in and out of the library.

We'll never outnumber the Purbos, so

they're harmless.

They're harmless.

They're kind of fun.

You know, I wouldn't worry about them.

Sorry to interrupt.

Just wanted to say that the Purbas are having a pizza party down.

Pants down.

Are you still welcome?

No, no, no.

I'm just

looking to read some Zima scrolls.

I can definitely read, so it's not an

Well, you I will have to accompany you because they are kept in a climate-controlled vault.

Oh, wow.

In my experience with ancient texts, or a lizard might eat them and then barf them up to make a nest.

It's a word joke?

It's an

exact

actual variety.

Oh, that's not a bad translation.

It's just

a thing that happens.

Sure, sure.

I know it seems unlikely, but seems highly unlikely, particularly with my ancient text, because every scroll is kept under a glass encasing that is locked with crystallites.

Let me open it.

Wow!

Poopins, this place is amazing.

It's a perfect chamber, not too chilly, not too balmy.

It's a perfect chamber.

Wow.

Can I just ask, does every quadrant have a central branch of the public librari that's this impressive?

No, no, we happen to live in a very, very well-funded district.

Yes, actually, the Emperor may be doing what is known as gentrifying the quadrant.

He's raising property values and probably forcing out long-time residents.

That's terrible.

It's awful, but it's great for real estate failures.

That's not important, see if it is yours.

Well, not to the URI, but to the Emperor.

Sure.

Anyway, so, Zima warriors, correct?

Yes, yes, yes, that's right.

You know,

I don't want to, you know, brag, but I actually am a Zima knight, as it turns out.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, in fact, some of these ancient scrolls probably have my name in them.

I'm sort of the chosen one of the space, and there's a prophecy about me.

So.

Wow.

What are you bringing to this librarian?

No, I just wanted to put things in context for her.

It sounds like you're brainwashed.

Alright, gentlemen, and just so you know, I have hollows set up that give video transmission of everything that goes on in the vault.

Listen,

Poopins,

I'm a Zima knight.

I would never steal an ancient text.

It's a mere precaution.

It's a mere precaution.

Sure, fair enough.

I mean, as a public servant, my default instinct was to think that you are trying to sort of pander to me in hopes that I would let you remove the ancient text, take them home, read them on your toilet.

So the answer is no.

I don't care for your prince or whoever the hell.

So the answer is no.

But that being said,

oh, so

you can't check out the texts then?

Absolutely not.

But these are reference works.

These are references.

They stay in the library.

Thank you.

Okay.

Under the crystallite and glass.

Okay.

Well, I mean, I have a couple ancient texts.

I just am missing a couple.

Because, as I said, they were regurgitated into a nest.

Yeah, poopins, we're going to need these texts.

Well, my collection isn't missing a couple because I don't give them out.

They stay under the glass and the crystallite.

You see how I avoid the lizards eating them is I don't give them out.

Fair enough.

That's a good strategy.

Right.

Papa.

Papa Texiter.

Yeah, what is it, AJ?

Do you want me to take this library now?

No.

No.

What are you talking about?

It's just a giant head with some feet.

I think I could probably dock kick it or something.

AJ, stop.

No.

Look, Liz,

we're in the public library.

We have to follow the Librari rules.

Do not drop it.

It's weird that she's allowed to whistle in the library.

She's just

No, you can't drop kick an elderly librarian.

This is a lot different.

You're right, guys.

This is just some of my Federation programming.

You know, AJ, if you're gonna learn to be a Zima knight,

tell me, Papa.

You have to realize that you can only ever use your powers for good and for defense.

So I'm trying to defend the scrolls by dropkicking.

No, no, no.

I mean, yeah, I get where you're going with it because, yes, I mean,

that's one way of looking at it, but that's not what we're.

Yeah.

Now, gentlemen, it escaped my mind.

You are able to check out, of course, the facsimiles and the copies I have of the originals.

Well, that would be good.

You simply can't take the originals.

Well, that makes sense, of course.

Of course.

Of course.

We wouldn't have learned if we had dropkicked her.

Yeah, I'm really glad.

Poopas, I was going to have to dropkick.

No, we were never going to.

That was never on the table.

Just like a like a ball, like a air-filled.

Yeah, no, I agree.

No, that's

ruined your side.

Good, good, good, good, good.

Poopins, this is truly an amazing place.

Um, I'm just gonna need a little time to sort

through some of these ancient texts.

Me too.

You take all the time you need.

Poopins, actually, uh, why don't we have a moment?

I was hoping to update the protocol software for a C-Series droid.

Do you have that update?

Okay, great.

That's on a different floor right this way.

Well, I guess we'll see you guys later.

Yeah, I mean, sounds good.

Now, were you hoping to do the update from the branch?

That would be great.

Yeah,

it's possible.

The Wi-Fi is a little spotty.

Well, we currently don't have Wi-Fi on our ship at all, so.

Great.

Oh, excellent, excellent.

Okay, now here's the update.

Let's see.

There you go.

I think I'm not sorry.

Okay.

That's a big one.

Yep.

Okay.

When I get to it.

Very good.

You know,

for

a protocol update, because some societies there,

you know, social boundaries change over time.

If I'm running an old update in a society that, you know, things are no longer acceptable, I could be making any number of faux pas.

I mean, that would be a nice because you're very affable.

You know, just your energy immediately, you bring a very affable energy, and I think any species could tell that.

But you're right, one faux pas and then

flips on a dime.

They can shut me off and, you know, send me straight to a jackyard.

That's right, B.

Oh, dear.

That's horrible.

Excuse me.

I'm trying to send an email to another dimension.

Yes.

Um, it won't go through.

Uh, I don't know what's going on.

Well, it's a very, very slow.

Oh, do you know what?

C-53 is probably sucking up the bulk of the.

No, he can wait.

No, it's actually a very important message.

I'm trying to reach my family.

Alright, but what?

I'll be the judge of this.

I'll be the judge of this.

What could possibly be so emergency-oriented?

My family is held prisoner by an architect making super weapons in another dimension.

Are you sure that's why?

It's that important of an email?

I just.

It's actually very important.

It's not an apartment application.

I was taken from my dimension, and then I was stranded in this dimension.

I was put on a escape pod.

Did you put your username in right?

Looks like your name is Korn.

Yes, no, actually, my name is Karn.

Oh,

I think your name is Korn.

No, it's it's K-A-R-N.

K-S Korn.

K-A-R.

Yes.

That's my only idea was the username Bye.

What?

Who is that?

It's another pervert.

I'm sorry.

Sometimes the

perverts come in with tech advice and...

I'm not a pervert.

I have a computer in my own dimension.

Well, I am a pervert.

And I need to download these two gases.

Billows of cloud jucking each other.

But my wife has too slow.

Don't absorb it.

Don't absorb it.

I'm really trying to get away.

I'm not a bill of an avatar.

And I need to get him out of the avatar.

You!

There, you have no idea.

I'm not crazy.

My family is entrapped in another dimension.

Okay, I'm shooting them out.

Shoot!

I really have to thank you for that time.

That was fantastic.

Just don't look them in the eye.

That's my motto for all of them.

You know, honestly, the puberts I'm okay with.

They tend to stay in their area and really helping out if I bring up something they're interested in.

Exactly.

And they're always direct about their, you know, you know what you're getting.

They're pretty clear about it.

And they did invite me to the pizza party, even though I neither wear pants or can remove them.

We make homemade pizzas, one of our finishes.

It's delicious.

It's truly delicious.

Book being solid.

Book being solid.

Alert.

Alert.

Parenting.

You'll have to excuse me.

You'll have to excuse me, C53.

Don't let any orphans or sad sacks bully you.

Okay, are you sure?

Positively, I couldn't.

Pause it.

Positive, please.

Just be downloading.

Nermit!

Nermit!

What?

I'm up here.

What are you doing?

What are you doing up there?

Did you find your parenting books?

I did.

I couldn't help myself.

I tore him up and I made a nest.

What?

Nermit, do you have any idea how many crones that fine is gonna cost you?

I'll pay it.

And I honestly, I read the book.

I read the book, but I couldn't control it.

It's just I got

it.

Whether you read it or not is immaterial to me.

Well, I just thought you cared about knowledge, and I did draw it.

You destroyed it.

You destroyed fit, you destroyed property of the public library.

Did you see Dar?

Did you see how big Dar is?

That's why I'm you have to make such a big nest.

Oh, that creature is your

partner?

Yes, Dar is going to give birth to our child, and I it's just I need

you built that nest to raise the child here in my library?

I know it doesn't make logical sense, but I have a weird reptile brain thing

coming through.

I'm sorry, I'm supposed to be a master missions operations manager, and I'm this is some heavy stuff.

And I'm, you know, as much as I would like to work through a lot of this, unpack a lot of this for you, but yeah, no, you can unpack some of this shredded stuff over here that is on this.

I mean, you could probably have done several years of preschool, just a really fancy one on the fine alone for what it's going to set you back.

Oh, wait, wait, this could be perfect for that pervert's fetish is fine paying.

Yeah, we could work something out.

Oh, there's nothing that gets me off more than paying a little bit of a bad one.

Are you sure,

Coolgar?

You know, old cool guy.

Get a lerd in a nest, and I'll pay that fine and get my rocks off.

Thank you, Coolgar.

Well, my genitals are rocks, is what I'm saying.

What luck, I'm a rocked out.

Hey, well, wait, wait a minute here.

Is your fetish paying off the fine or is your fetish helping lizards and nests?

Why do you gotta fetish, Jamie?

It can be both, can't it?

Uh, well, because my fetish is getting

the real story out of people who aren't as clear as they could be.

Well, I'm a teen, so you'll never find out.

Nerbert, I really don't want to get involved, but you, as you said, she's like 12 feet tall, and her.

They're beautiful.

Her pregnancy, it was protruding.

I mean, it looked like it was at least 60 pounds.

You're a tiny little bird.

That's why I came here to.

Nerbert, at the risk of stating the obvious, has it occurred to you, you are in no way the father of that person's child?

Has not.

There's just no biological, strictly on a biological physical level.

There's no way.

Are we talking about biological impossibilities?

Oh, yeah.

Wow, Kilgar.

Oh, dear.

Shoot!

Shoot!

Poopins!

Dar, what?

What is all this going on?

Poopins, I'm got I have finally reached the climax of the unbearable light years of being, and the pages are stuck together.

Oh, dear.

There has to be another copy in the library.

There has to be.

There is.

There's a backup copy, and then every night,

well, unfortunately, Dar,

every night I go through the pervert section, and I have to put all of the literature into a hydro cubby to soak off the jisms and the pizza

and the pizza, just all the fetish.

I said jisms.

Mm-hmm.

You wouldn't believe.

But the hydro cubby could.

I just need to know which bodice gets ripped at page 8889.

I am

too close to be cut off here.

Well, let's find the second copy.

Here we go.

I keep it in this chest.

All right, there you go.

You can read it for yourself.

Thank you.

Dar, can I just ask?

Who's that little bird man in the that little tiny bird man?

He's not the father your father your partner is he?

He's not the father.

Oh just the perverts and I was sort of talking we just inquiring minds

of course and I hate to destroy anybody's fetish of large nameless creature and alert but

Norman and I aren't together right now.

I'm a true love pervert and I'm tied on with a full story.

I'm a full story pervert.

Well, I would like to be alone with my pervert thoughts and the last five pages of this book.

So if I like scause me,

we'll get to the bottom of it later.

I found it.

Huh?

Wake up, AJ.

What?

I was reading.

I was totally reading.

I don't think so.

I can read.

You don't put the paper up against your face to read.

Good one, Papa.

AJ, look, it's my name.

In this scroll.

Yeah.

Darf was right.

I'm the one that is prophesied about in this text.

Wow, so we should get that scroll, right?

Listen, I think we just need uh you know, we'll take it back to Barjie.

We'll we'll figure this out.

There's there's answers in here.

I know it.

Yeah.

You boys ready to check out?

We close in 12 minutes.

Oh, wow.

Soon.

Yeah, you know, actually, Poopins, we found exactly what we were looking for.

I just need to check these three Zima Scroll facsimiles out from you.

Oh, my pleasure.

Right over here to the desk.

Check out the computer.

Ready to check out?

Would you just plop me up next to the on the table by the computer?

Oh, sure.

You should put the computers on the floor, right?

For you?

Well.

Okay.

Yeah, sure.

All right.

Here you go.

Okay.

Alrighty, just these three scrolls.

Uh, yeah, yep.

Okay, computer, here you go.

I have to check out the computer.

Walk one,

book two,

walk three.

Alright, I just need your library card.

What about a fake?

Would you take a fake?

No, that's not.

It's a totally different thing.

Listen, I don't actually have a library card, but I can just apply for one.

You can just write right.

No problem at all.

Don't you worry.

You can just register here.

Let me get the screen.

Does it have to be on the sound on that computer?

Well, how would you know what it is?

You'd have to, I guess.

Well, she's the head librarian.

She probably knows how to use the machines.

I guess for people who maybe not know how to read, it'd probably be good to hear everything that's going on.

Don't you think?

I hate it when people who can't read come into the library.

It's like, you know what I mean?

I can't tell them what, but it's like, what are you doing?

You know, I get it.

Anyway, let's just start with the easy stuff.

What's your permanent address?

I currently live on board the Bargerian Jade, who

don't bother looking her up.

She changed her name to Bargie

with a bunch of numbers and letters.

That's just a what, a spaceship?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a spaceship.

Yeah, I need like a physical residence, like a

place of residency.

Okay.

I have like a closet on the Bargerian J.

I don't know how else to describe it.

Do you get utility bills there?

Do you have like a

yeah,

I do have a running subscription to They Teen magazine, but usually that's

that's usually delivered by a mail clint.

Um no, let's think, let's think.

Poopins, I don't know how to tell you how important this ancient scroll is to me.

Can I take a picture of it or something like that to just I can't just hand this out.

This is the Emperor has provided us incredible funding.

And all I'm asking you to do is to just register as a citizen.

Get down on the ground.

AJ, AJ, get down on the ground.

What's going on?

AJ, AJ.

I know that you might have trouble.

You might just have to lay your head on the ground.

I don't really know how it works, but get your head on the ground.

AJ,

stand down, AJ.

AJ, I warn you, I have an army of perverts ready at my call.

Poopus, you'll immediateize right now.

If I'm somebody who cares about an army of perverts,

retina scan commencing.

Card Tepper.

Welcome, Ropus Diddle.

You owe 7,862.46 crude.

Get over new books.

Oh, that's not...

That's not good.

Hey, guys.

I'm back.

I read parenting books.

Did you learn anything good?

Yeah, I did not have a serendipitously great transaction with a pervert that covered for nesting.

Didn't happen.

Was there a chapter on raising children that have healthy relationships with authority figures and don't pull lasers out on them?

That's me.

Yeah, listen, Poopins.

I'm sorry for the altercation here.

AJ's still kind of learning how to be a real person.

My dad also was a cylinder of blue liquid, so.

The two books you still have out are: number one, history of horses.

Number two, how to be a person.

Oh, poor Rolfin.

Poopins,

a few things I'd like to do.

I'd like to say that I'm sorry.

I'd like to apologize for my behavior.

I'd like to

help today was that librarian Poopins.

I feel like I never would have been able to download this update without her.

I feel like I would have never destroyed this copy of the unbearable light years of being.

Had it not been for her helpful suggestions.

What?

Let's go, let's go.

We gotta get a strap kicker.

Dar, you look really relaxed.

I am.

Okay, guys, we should probably get out of here.

Greetings, Your Excellency.

It is I, Head Toady Bordoff, reporting from our cozy yet labyrinthine new Imperial offices aboard our hulking planet Crusher Crusher as it creeps relentlessly through the Zig Squadron.

My message?

all is humming along in the new and glorious empire.

Also, I

wanted to follow up on your constructive criticism about the number of naps I've been taking, and to that end, I bear great news.

I have subscribed to Care of.

A monthly subscription vitamin service, which can allow you to give yourself an extra boost, whether you're looking for more energy, better sleep, to manage stress, or just feel your healthiest.

And Care of's fun-free online quiz takes only five minutes and gives you personal, scientifically backed vitamin supplement recommendations.

And then Care of delivers daily vitamin packs.

I took the quick and honestly fun quiz and learned that the vitamin D and the herb Rhodiola could benefit me to help me gain all the energy I need and more to manage imperial construction projects, master our weirdly complicated new phone system, and deploy teams of clinths.

And on that note, we haven't heard any updates just yet from our strike teams in Hollywood, but I'm sure it's fine.

And get this?

Anyone can get this amazing offer from CareOf.

50% off your first month of personalized vitamins.

Just go to takecareof.com and enter zix50.

That's takecareof.com.

Code ZYXX50.

Order off, over,

and out.

And I hit

seven

and Emperor's mailbox.

Reply, all successful.

What?

Reply, oh.

Well, guys, uh, that was probably not the best way to exit a library.

Hounded by perverts.

Probably not.

We were chased by an army of people with very specific fetishes.

And Nermit.

We really can't take you on missions if you're going to be tearing up.

No, no, no, I won't.

Public property.

I won't do that.

You promise you won't do that, Nermit?

I promise I won't do that because I've made a decision.

What?

I'm going to go to my home planet of Philem, and I'll be a missions operations manager.

I'm going to be on the cliffs of Philem where I can nest, and, you know, I'll run a long extension cord for the missionator, and we'll...

Nermit, is this expressly necessary for you to do?

I mean,

I don't know if

this is really going to be worth your time, I guess is what I should say.

I have a biological imperative.

My species doesn't live that long, and I'm going to...

I'm going to...

I'm going to be a dad.

Yeah, Nermit, how much longer do you have left at this point?

I've already exceeded the average life expectancy of alert.

Oh, no, what?

And I thank you guys for it.

You've given me purpose, and now I'm gonna go to the.

I'm gonna go to the windy,

windy cliffs of the jungle planet Philem on which I was born, and I'm going to build a

book, and now I'm listening to all of you again.

What are we talking about?

Nothing.

It's a lot to catch up on.

I'll do it.

Fine, I'll do it.

Alright.

What?

Oh, the tax code thing.

I forgot about it, and I crunched the numbers, and I'll do it.

Oh, no, Bargain.

I'm going to approve of the mission against the mission.

Yeah, we already finished the mission.

Yeah, we kind of signed up.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Dar, the update is that I'm

going to head back to my home planet and assign missions from there.

Huh.

You're going to be a stay-at-home mom?

This is Sea Red IT5, Credits and Attributions Droid, commencing Outro Protocol.

Papa Fleck Deck Center was played by Alden Ford.

C-53 played by Jeremy Bent.

Dar was played by Allie Kokesh.

Vargi the Ship was played by Mujan Zolfagari.

Master Missions Operations Manager Nervet Bundeloy was played by Seth Lind.

AJ was played by Winston Null.

Hoopins the Librarian was played by special guest Catherine Mudon.

Catherine performs and teaches at the UCB and can be seen playing Elaine in Improvised Seinfeld.

Catherine has appeared on Broad City, The Colbert Report, Tonight's Show with Jimmy Fallon, The President Show, and some commercials you probably fast-forwarded through.

Follow her on Twitter at It's Mudon.

This episode was edited by Jeremy Bent with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Recorded at Robert Doggy Jr.'s Puppy Pound in Brooklyn, New York, and Headcom Studios in Los Angeles.

Music composed by Brendan Ryan and performed by famed Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crunchley.

Shift Design for the Barbarian Jade by Eric Goist.

Audio hosting by Simplecast.

Mission to Zix is a proud member of the Maximum Fund Network.

Thank you to our supporters on Maximum Fund for making the show possible.

Join them on maximumfund.org/slash slash donate.

Hey, everybody, this is J.

Keith Van Stratton, host of Go Fact Yourself, a live game show here in the Maximum Fun Network.

Make sure to listen to our next episode of Go Fact Yourself with guest Kurt Braunowler.

I did a show in Flagstaff, Arizona, where the venue just didn't list that the show existed.

Amazing.

And I, and it is the smallest crowd that I've ever done a full hour of stand-up for.

It was three people.

Oh my god.

And Sarah Schaefer.

Yes, I love crafting.

It's my hobby.

I have a craft nook in my home.

You do?

I do.

It has all of my supplies displayed in an adorable manner.

Wow.

Yes.

Yes, applause.

Applause for a nook.

That's GoFact Yourself here at maximumfun.org or wherever you get podcasts.

There's nothing quite like sailing in the calm international waters on my ship, the SS Biopic.

A vast.

It's actually pronounced biopic.

No, you dingus!

It's biopic!

Who the hell says that?

It's biopic!

Because it's the words of biography and picture!

Alright, that is enough!

Ahoy!

I'm Dave Holmes.

I'm the host of the newly rebooted podcast, formerly known as International Waters, designed to resolve petty but persistent arguments like this.

How?

By pitting two teams of opinionated comedians against each other with trivia and improv games, of course.

Winner takes home the right to be right.

What podcast be this?

It's called Troubled Waters, where we disagree to disagree.

MaximumFun.org.

Comedy and culture.

Artist-owned, audience-supported.

Hey guys, good news.

You know how the rats ate my pants?

I was able to get some pants from outside the Pervert's Pizza Party.

Congratulations, Nerva.

Thanks, guys.

That was the, by the way,

that was the blackout.

Yeah, was it?

Okay.

Yep.

I can always copy in laughter.

That's the out here.

Yeah.

That's so funny.

That was the out.

I love the idea of Seth going in and

adding us cracking up after one of his shitty jokes.

You think I haven't done that?

Oh man, maybe you have.

I'm like, I didn't remember it being that funny in the room, but we had a kill.

Oh man, that's so funny.