302: Jennifer’s Bargie [ft. Riley Soloner]

Hey there, it's Seth Lind, aka Nermit Bundaloy, uh, here with the whole cast of Mission to Zix.

Hello,

and we wanted to say thank you to everyone who has signed up to support our show on Maximum Fun.

Seriously, from the bottom of our hearts, and cubes, and flaps, and shoots, thank you.

You are honestly the reason that we can keep making this ridiculous and ridiculously labor-intensive show.

Thank you, thank you.

But here's the other thing.

Chances are you actually didn't sign up to support the show.

And I just mean that, like, statistically speaking, chances are you heard our pitch last week and maybe even our Patreon pitches before season two and you were like, eh, nah.

And honestly, we get it.

We get that it's totally possible that Mission to Zix is one of dozens of shows you listen to and watch, and if it win away, like, no huge loss.

Which is fair.

It's a silly sci-fi show in a world full of noble causes and real issues.

Or maybe the show really does mean something to you, but you're not in a financial position to help, which also, we totally get that.

That is why we release all of our studio episodes to the public for free in our podcast feed so that everyone with access to a phone or computer or an hour on a computer in a library can hear Mission to Zix.

But

I want to ask if you are maybe in this other position, which we suspect may be the case for some of you.

And it's this.

Mission to Zix is important to you.

Okay?

For whatever reason,

this ridiculous world that we are lucky to get to build for you, you would be sad if it went away.

And you happen to be in a position to support it financially at some level.

Okay, so that's that's the position, right?

You care about mission to zix and you have a few spare crew to support it monthly.

But somewhere, sometime you have made a completely rational calculation, and maybe without even knowing it, that other people are going to step up with that support and the show will continue.

These people don't love the show more than you.

They also understand that it depends on support.

They've just taken that next step.

So what I'm asking is this.

for you to be that person.

Because yes, it is entirely possible that the max fund drive will end this week and we will have reached the level of support we need to keep plowing ahead with season three without your help.

But the crazy thing is

that is 1000% dependent on people not making that calculation that you've just made.

So what I'm saying is that we're relying on people exactly like you to do something different to uh and I honestly don't want to be preachy here but to to look at something that you value and and can get for free and voluntarily say, I'm going to support this.

Our move to maximum fund was a leap of faith in you because this network is all about membership and support and community.

And just to get into the nitty-gritty, like we jumped headlong into producing season three before the max fund drive, which means we literally don't know the financial fate of this show.

We jumped into that because we have this feeling that, yes, people will support it.

We don't know how many, but we're counting on it being enough.

So please show us that we are not idiots for believing this, if you can.

I don't want to sound too corny, but when we joined this network, we honestly felt like we had come home

and we would love for you to join us here by becoming a monthly supporter of our show at maximumfund.org/slash donate.

So again, I'm only speaking statistically here.

Even after hearing what I just said, you probably won't do this.

But we would love, love, love for you to prove that wrong and help us make this show for you.

I'm actually going to ask you to do something right now, and it's going to sound a little weird.

But stay with me.

I want you to get out your phone and hit pause.

Episode 302 is about to start, but I want you to hit pause because this will simulate the feeling of the show not existing, which is what would be true if people don't support it.

And once you do that, I want you to go to maximumfun.org/slash donate, choose your monthly level, click mission to zix in your listening preferences, enter your info, and then come back and hit play.

And know that the fact that the audio is there is because of you.

Okay, fine.

It'll be a later episode that you are actually making possible, but you get my point.

So, all right, here's where you hit pause.

I will wait.

Did you do it?

You didn't.

Statistics.

Okay, here's the point where you really hit pause.

Okay, welcome back.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for your support.

Did it feel good?

It feels chucking great to us.

I can tell you that much.

And now, here is the show that you have made with us.

Don't forget to let us know on Twitter or email so we can tell you how much we appreciate it.

Thank you.

It is a time of fear and unrest.

Now, Zema Knight, Pleck Dexetter, and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to defeat Wackness, bring balance to the space, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This is Mission to Zinx.

Hey, Nerman.

Hey, I was wondering if you can you can you prop me up a little to I just want to kind of stare out this window

yeah sure I absolutely I'll lift you up onto the windowsill here but are you shoot you need to talk about something

extremely wistful sigh yeah I just I mean I don't know like I

I feel like I'm excited to take down the Emperor and everything and fight on behalf of freshness against against all that's whack, but like,

I just am so used to assigning missions, and I just don't feel like I have a purpose.

You know,

I've been thinking, look, the Rebellion's gone, right?

Right.

The Federated Alliance is gone.

That doesn't mean we don't need missions.

I mean, I was thinking, maybe, Nermit, if we are going to take down the Emperor as a team,

we're going to need a master missions operations manager.

Would that

I can do it?

I can do it.

No, no, no, no.

AJ, that's definitely.

Why would you be able to do that?

Do you even know what it is?

Yeah.

Do you have any experience doing it?

No.

I don't know what it is.

I would like to suggest that I'm a better qualified applicant than AJ for this new position of master.

No, you're not.

Yeah, it's really not a group interview.

No, it's not.

Oh, that sounds amazing.

That sounds like a higher-level missions operations manager than we've even encountered.

Yeah.

I mean, sky's the limit.

You know what?

Attack on another adjective, whatever you want.

No, master is great.

I mean, headmaster?

No, that sounds good.

Headmaster, that's sort of a different job.

Okay.

Hey, sorry, Airup.

I just make an announcement.

Please be cautious about using my name in public, okay?

Oh, yeah.

Kind of on the DL.

Yeah, we're on the land.

Okay.

It's on a lot of billboards.

Yeah.

You're more famous than you've

ever been, yeah.

Don't even call me Bongie, okay?

If you're in my ship, don't even call me Bodgie.

That sucks.

Even if we're on the ship.

People are listening at all times.

All right, Bargy.

Okay.

So I'll, uh, as, as, uh, as Master Missions Operations Manager, I think all I need is a, is a source of missions.

Oh, well, you know, that comes from the tactical, uh, you know, strategic mind of the missions operator.

Nerma, I need a missionator.

But, Nermit, now you get to make your own missions.

You can't do that without a missionator.

I mean, the missionator contains the hard data, flight paths, planetary locations, the,

you know, the business hours of every spaceport, up-to-date census of information of every planet.

Not to mention the

atmosphere entrance data.

I mean, Bargi doesn't...

How many times has Bargie burnt upon entrance of a planet?

Zero times!

That's because of the data in the Missionator.

Oh, wow.

I guess I hadn't really thought about that stuff.

Nerman, where are we going to find one of these missionators?

Well, the last Missionator I had was in my Rebellion office, so if we could fly back there and get that and done

back to the crushed rebellion headquarters that's inside a planet crusher, which is inside a planet crusher crusher driven by the emperor, right?

I don't think so.

Seems like a poor planet.

Hey, I got a mission.

My time, my temperament time.

Me, me, me.

What?

Yeah, I found a guy who could change my identity.

Yeah, he's very good at what he does.

Two people have recommended him, so he's gonna be great.

I do not know, but it's gonna be something sweet.

Uh,

anyway, Flix Dunker is gonna change it, he's gonna make it better for me, he's great.

Wait,

who is Flicks Dunker?

Yeah, oh, he's like a he's like a hacker.

Hacker.

A Hayaker?

I can't save the word.

It's a word I just can't say, but a hacker.

A Hiyaker?

Are you trying to say Hiyaker?

Yeah, he he can take he can get inside my unit and change who other people think I am, you know.

Give me a new name.

Every single ship was programmed with a certain name, and

You're saying this guy can get into the databases and change your name so that when other ships are scanning for you, they come up with a different name.

Yep, he's a heaker.

I think you mean he's a hacker, right?

It's pretty easy to say.

Hacker.

Hacker.

I mean, AJ can do it.

That kind of represents the lowest bar.

No, it's just saying.

It is easy to say.

I have yet to be introduced to this other person inside me here.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Listen.

Bargy, this is AJ.

He's a clint who defected.

I'm here to learn from Papa Dexetter about this.

That's definitely.

First of all, I just need I need to consult the text to see what like a master Papappin would be called, but I'm almost positive it's not Papa Dexetter.

Bargie, the ship, I'm here to learn from Papapleck about the ways of the space.

Okay.

I'm very happy.

Don't call me Bargie.

Call me anything else.

Don't learn me anything else.

All right, listen.

Ship,

this is my protégé.

He's a defective.

How was I?

That's rough.

Anyway, you're supposed to pick a name?

Okay.

A name.

Jennifer, this is AJ.

Okay, okay, kitty.

Okay.

Jennifer, no judgment.

But if you want help picking out another name, I am working on a pretty perfect list of them.

Okay, yeah.

A list of names, darn, that's so cute.

I love that.

Are there any, you know, sort of like family names that you're considering?

Uh, from the lineage.

Sure, I am considering, obviously, my mother's name.

Black Flowers Normal.

That's got a ring, a nice ring to it.

Exactly.

It'll be too hard to spell, you know.

Like Nermit Jr., not to be.

That was the.

That's the Emperor's name.

That's my name first.

But it feels like there'd be a lot of kind of stigma around that.

No.

Junior of the Emperor.

That's actually a good point, Nermit.

What?

It's my name.

It's also the name name of the most evil entity in the galaxy, so sorry.

Weird.

Should we answer it?

Probably not.

Oh, that's it.

Big it up.

Oh, no, no.

That's my guy.

Archie, what's up?

It's Flink's Dunker, Hacker Extraordinaire.

Whoa, his face is all pixely.

So, the thing we discussed, you could do it?

Yeah, I think we could do that.

Okay, great.

I'm now sending you all of my information.

My private information, uh, also all the information that we wanted to the ship.

Oh, come on.

Jennifer, are you sure this is a good idea?

I feel like a hacker would not have to walk through it like this out loud.

I think it's helpful.

times and then

I'll go ahead and get a little bit of

this number

and then I'm going to take this piece of paper, turn it upside down.

Piece of paper.

Alright, I'm in.

Great.

Jacked in.

Alright, do you have a do you have a alternate alias decided on?

Alright.

I have some options.

I can't.

I've already used that one in the past.

Okay.

Uh Apollo Bowie Flynn.

He was a famous actor who murdered someone.

So yeah, I can't use that one.

What about AJ?

Yeah, that's we can't have two AJ.

You know, guys, I don't want to stress you out, but it is illegal for me to be in these databases like this, switching things around, turning pieces of paper upside down.

So if we could, uh,

you're literally turning pieces of paper upside down.

This would be a lot easier if you guys

We have to come to your dorm room?

Yeah.

Sounds good.

I'm on my way right now.

No, no, what?

No, I understand that, but like, is he a

daddy book on your dreams?

Is he a holy study?

I just don't know if this guy's legit.

Where did you hear about him?

Time is of the essence.

I want to disappear.

I do not exist.

The things I've done in my past do not represent who I am as a person.

I've made mistakes, but now I'm moving forward as a new, completely new ship who has no history financially and cannot be charged as a result.

Don't ask questions, it's just happening, okay?

I actually do have a couple of questions.

No need to ask any questions.

Keep it all

under wraps, just accept I am somebody else, and we're getting the hell out of here.

Very fast.

My question is: if I'm a clone, do I have a soul?

Oh, wow!

That's rough.

Wow, this is...

This is...

Is this like a college planet?

Yo, bro.

Oh, uh, yeah.

Hi.

Bro, can you toss me that laser disc?

Uh, I mean, yeah, man, I haven't kind of thrown one of these in a while.

Just snap the wrist.

Okay,

here you go.

Hit

my hand!

You sliced my hand off!

Oh no!

Oh, I don't know what I how was I supposed to

snap the wrist?

Oh, yeah, but if you're free this Saturday, we're having a giant party in room 55B.

It's B-Y-O

B.

Okay.

You know what that means.

It doesn't mean fear.

It doesn't mean whatever you think.

It's what you think it is, but it's the opposite of that.

Remember to wear yellow and church art.

Yeah, we're not actually students,

but

come on.

This is super flattering.

They think we're students.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Hey, yeah, we'll be there.

Man, I was never invited to any parties when I was in college, so.

So we have to bring a bee thing.

Yeah, we're not going to this party.

Looks like it coordinated.

Okay.

shouldn't we be signing in or something?

This feels a little bit security a little louder just landed and walked into this building.

Oh man

first meeting's on Tuesday okay

is it the opposite beat?

Okay.

Oh boy.

Oh wow.

Nermit, are you alright?

I'll be okay.

I think I got most of that.

You are such a liability on mission.

No, I'm good.

I'm good.

I'm good.

I'm good.

Flicks Dunker.

We're going to see.

I don't know if his skill set is going to be something we'll actually give him.

Yeah, this seems like a pretty youthful, laid-back kind of environment.

Jennifer vouched for

a moment.

true.

Okay.

Okay.

Um,

oh, there's a whiteboard on the door.

It just says, come on in.

Well, I guess we should listen to the whiteboard.

Alright, uh, hey, hello?

Oh, hey, what's yeah, come on in.

Come on in.

Flix Dunker, Hacker Extraordinaire.

Welcome to my lair.

Listen, he modified his voice and we call classic hacker.

I'm not.

Where's Bargie?

Flicks Bargie's a ship.

She can't.

Bargie's a mouse.

You can't bring a full-size ship into your dorm room.

It's way too big.

It's kind of a rip-off.

I mean, it's kind of jucked up that you would like.

You know, you could have have come on the ship here.

You could have come on the ship and then.

No, I don't really like to leave here.

Sure.

Okay, yeah, that's right.

Wait, hold on.

Is that a clint?

Yes.

The short version is yes.

That's right.

All right, yeah.

Come here.

Come here.

Just take this plate off of your chest piece.

Whoa, hey, what are you doing?

Yeah, here.

Hold on.

Just put.

Here, can you stick this in there?

Yeah.

Alright, and just five, five, four, three,

two.

Okay, I'm gonna.

There we go.

What just happened?

What?

I just patched Bargie's voice pattern into that clinched suit.

Bargie,

can you hear us?

Again, again, again, with

no on the name.

Okay, sorry.

I'm sorry.

Oh, right.

Wait, hold on.

AJ, can you hear us?

Oh, no.

He'll be fine.

You sure he'll be okay?

I mean, like, he's got air.

Hold on, quick question.

Um when you patch me and do I have the power to also move the arms and legs of the thing I'm in?

Oh yeah.

Wow wow no.

How is that

right?

Well it's common knowledge that Barbara has an ever negative motion servos installed so if Bartho can access those then she can control the suit.

I tickle ignorment.

I've always wanted to do that.

Easter die.

This is very

good.

This is very confusing.

Come here.

Nah, I don't know.

I want to block your face.

Ow!

Bargie!

AG!

If you're having trouble, you can probably just take the helmet off.

Oh, yeah.

I knew that.

I knew that I wouldn't die if I took the helmet off.

Did you think you were going to die, Bargaro?

I didn't know.

Why would I be.

Is there a chance you didn't know that?

Bargie, you still there?

Down here.

Okay.

Yeah, okay, so we're doing this and that.

Yeah, let's do it.

It shouldn't be too hard to get a new name to Bargie.

It's just the problem is I've been hacking for so long.

The University Capital put limits on my bandwidth.

They capture.

So I'm thinking if we could plug your chrome butt into my rig,

is it your butt?

You can plug in your butt?

Well, I have ports and adapters.

Why would they put them in your butt?

Well, it's just, you know, in terms of real estate on the body, it's one of the first places people think to look.

Sure.

I mean, I guess.

And also, you get to sit down when you're charging.

That's true.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I guess that checks out.

I guess I hadn't really thought about that.

Yeah.

Just see

an option.

Why not just on your back or in your chest plate?

Also, a lot of times there's, you know,

sex stuff that pitches

units?

Fair enough.

Okay.

Yep.

Sex stuff, yeah.

I know about that.

Okay, you don't have to say sex stuff.

Okay.

You don't have to say that.

We're okay.

One time I jacked off into the toilet and it

hit the water so hard it splashed up and hit my foot.

Were you is that a brag?

Why would you volunteer that information?

I thought we were just talking about sex stuff.

No, first of all, that's barely sex stuff.

Secondly, we don't know each other at all.

What's up?

My name is Flix Dunker, Hacker Extraordinaire.

I know I know we know who each other are.

I just...

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, seems like you guys have proved yourself.

So

I'm going to put on my hack jacket.

I'm doing you guys a favor.

Wait, you're hacking.

Yeah.

It's

belonged to my dad.

He was a pilot.

No.

Yeah.

Why is it so big on you?

Oh, it's sleeves are too long.

Because it's your hack jacket.

Isn't that why it says Netflix on the back?

I'm Flix.

I'm on the net.

I'm Netflix, baby.

That's your username?

That's your hacker name?

Netflix?

Yeah.

Is there a problem with that?

Well, sort of.

It has your first name in it.

I mean, I'm on the net.

Yeah, but somebody might use that information to find you.

I think the jacket's cool.

I mean, it's a very cool jacket.

Every time I put on this jacket and I take this headband out and I put this headband on, I'm ready to hack.

Look at that.

I'm in the system.

I'm ready to pound some keys

and give Bargie a new name.

I'm just worried that you would have left yourself very vulnerable to attack from other people.

You're using your first name

and such a bright bandana.

That's a great bandana.

Yeah.

I think a better hacker name would be something like, you know, Quickster.

Yeah.

Or uh.

Hulu.

What?

Wait, no, that sucks.

Hulu sucks.

Hulu does suck.

Yeah.

Right.

Chuck!

Something old school like Blockbuster.

What are you talking about?

That was actually on my list of names.

Oh.

Blockbuster?

What about AJ as a hacker name?

That's already.

No.

That's way too short for a hacker name.

Also, that's just your name.

There's nothing about that that suggests a hacker.

But it's my name, so shouldn't it be my hacker name?

See, I'm with Flix on this, right?

Netflix.

What if I'm Net AJ?

That doesn't help.

So, are we getting Jennifer a new name, or do you guys want?

Yes, we are.

Let's do it.

Jennifer, what do you think of the name Petal Blossom Rainbow?

That is an absurd thing.

How many would rename that?

Got it.

Got it.

Nope, I hear you loud and clear.

I'll cross that one off.

The list.

Okay, how about Geo Grace?

Oh,

okay.

I don't know.

I mean,

I don't want to

honey, rosy,

daisy, boo.

is that one continuous name?

Buddy Bear, doesn't yep, nope,

Jamie Oliver.

I mean, beyond choosing a name, don't you need to have your entire identity swapped?

The whole history wipe doesn't.

I already thought of a new backstory.

Are you ready to put it into the database?

I'm in.

I've been jacked in this whole time.

I'm hoping that I don't get caught.

All right.

Um,

was born a humble

boy

in the town of

uh like where are you from?

Ranga Six?

Rangus Six.

Wait, Bargie, you can't have my backstory.

I don't know.

It's kind of working when Bargie says that.

Wait, that sounds sort of noble.

And what's my backstory gonna be?

I know you're a Zema guy.

Right.

I'm a Zema guy now because I came from humble beginnings.

Just make your story a Zema guy, and then Bargie can be.

No, I can't start out as a Zima guy.

Look, sounded kind of good, Bargie.

Whoa, guys, emergency.

They're onto me.

Who's they?

Who's been?

Who's they?

The

University Capital online.

Yeah, it's like the cops of the net.

The UCAP net cops?

Yeah.

If I'm gonna hack this successfully, I'm gonna need to listen to some music.

I don't see it.

So, how is that?

Okay.

That gets me in the zone.

That's his process, Papua.

Oh, that's

really aggressive, Techno.

Oh, wow.

Flicks, that is very loud.

Yeah.

Can you put on like, do you have like headphones or something you could put on?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, I can work better if it's like in my head.

Okay.

Okay.

Zang!

Ah!

Glop it out, man!

What is he talking about?

Ah!

The beams!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

CFG's 3, are you familiar with any of these slang terms?

No, not one.

Net slang moves so quickly and evolves so fast that no diplomatic relations drug has ever been able to keep up with it.

It's

frankly a very fascinating linguistic area.

How do the

suck?

How did the gloves stick?

If they're fingerless, how do they help?

They're on my tail.

I guess they decrease friction.

I mean, if there's

Now I'm gonna hold my keyboard like it's a musical instrument because I'm just jamming this hack.

Whoa.

It looks like he's playing corns out there,

you've got his eyes closed really tightly.

That is pretty cool.

This shouldn't work at all.

Oh man, C5!

Yes!

Increase power!

Push!

Okay!

Push!

Push the energy out of your butt into my rig!

This isn't fun enough.

Ambassador Frank.

Bargie, quick.

You gotta pick a name fast.

Oh boy.

Bargie, I think I got it.

Your name is Bargie.

Wait, what?

B

four.

Maybe a capital backwards R

J

one

three.

That's it.

Using numbers as letters.

The ultimate hacker trick.

It's so simple, it just might work.

Anyone searching for Bargie, B-A-R-G-I-E, wouldn't be able to find her.

Wow, wow.

Hiding in plain sight.

This guy's good.

This guy's good.

You have to admit, Netflix is worth the money.

Flex, how did you become a hacker anyway?

Well, it's,

you know, pretty typical story for,

you know, hackers like me.

I was an orphan from a

Flyboy Federated Alliance pilot.

He left me his jacket and a box full of hardware.

I had to fight my way into a dorm room.

Pretty soon I found a league of like-minded individuals that don't like being told what to do.

So what do you do?

You start breaking the rules inside the net.

How is it that you're able to get into all these databases and change names like this?

Like, how do you, how do you get this information?

Well, if you haven't noticed, I spent a lot of time indoors.

Yeah, sure.

No, that was right.

I sort of meant like technically.

How do you?

Oh, technically.

Well, you know, I've always been interested in doing things differently.

Sure.

Yeah, sure.

Like, seeing if there's another way in.

Yeah.

And now I realize, for me, there's no way out.

Wow.

I'm stuck in this life.

Yeah, that's less technical even than...

That's like pure jargon.

I know too much.

How dangerous.

Did you hear the question?

No.

Okay.

But where do you get the databases when I'm asking?

Like, how do you even get into all of this information?

There's a galaxy full of listings of Bargie's name, what she looks like, like all of this information.

How do you find it all at once?

It's not that hard.

I mean, you just gotta have the right equipment, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, I guess so.

Actually, it's this thing.

Ever seen one of these?

That's a missionator.

A fish.

Yeah.

Whoa.

It's a little dusty.

I blew that right.

I crouched down to blow that in your face.

Sorry.

Didn't see this.

This is a missionator.

You You used this?

Past tense, used it.

You know, we could take this off your hands, this missionator.

I mean, we're just sort of,

yeah.

I just want to let you know, we're really desperate for a missionator, and I think they'd probably pay any price for it.

That doesn't seem to be true.

But it's the truth, right?

We were just talking about it.

Let's start the bidding.

All the crew that we own.

AJ, no, we don't need...

Listen, no, I'm just saying I'm not interested in holding on to this anymore.

So

it sounds like he wants to play hard's eyeball.

No, he really doesn't need to.

I'll become your indentured servant.

Okay, actually, you know what?

I'm so the rest of the crew.

That's nice.

Well,

I mean, I can't.

No, this is old stuff that you'd probably just, you'd, you know, you'd want to be decluttering.

I mean...

Yeah, there's life-changing music and tidy.

Yeah, would you hold this missionator and does it bring you joy?

Okay.

Well, it kind of reminds me of my dad.

Sure.

No, no.

Which.

Fucking sucks.

No, don't throw it.

Don't throw it.

No, don't.

Don't throw it.

Don't rod.

Stupid dad always telling me to go outside, make friends.

I mean, that's not terrible advice.

I couldn't kill you.

Your dad actually, I mean, based on that one memory, I mean, your dad sounds pretty reasonable.

Did he say anything else?

I don't know.

Like, eat something that isn't a corn loop every once in a while.

That's also pretty cool.

That's really good.

That's pretty cool, actually.

I'm about to eat it.

I'm about to chow down on a bowl of corn loops right now.

Those are not good.

There's not a whole lot of nutrition.

I'm hacking my body with corn loops.

How?

How?

How?

Once these corn loops are in my system, they take over.

Like I take over when I'm in the computer.

In that sense, yes, but

the corn loops.

You're the victim.

Everything I know about my brain chemistry, I thank corn loops for that.

Did you guys know that they originally called Carn Loops?

Not now.

Oh, it's pronounced Karn?

No, it's a long story, but

this is.

Wait, Flix, I thought you said you were an orphan.

When was your dad giving you this advice?

Oh, I mean, like, I'm like an orphan by choice.

What does that mean?

It means, like, I don't like being told what to do, so I'm like, every time my dad calls at around like

two every day, I'm like, whatever, dad.

I send me some croon, and then I hang up.

So wait, when your dad dropped you off, he dropped you off at college.

Yeah, but he, like, pushed me out of his craft and like sped off.

Was it because he was choking up because he was sad to be parted from his?

No, he's like always crying.

He's got like memories of being in the Federated Alliance.

He's a nerd.

He's a nerd?

Wait, you know how to fly a ship?

You're a nerd, dude.

I don't want to talk to you.

Wait, Flix, are these boxes look like...

Are there care packages addressed from him?

I don't care.

It's not a care package if I don't care.

Unless he's literally choking in on you a lot.

Care package is from someone who cares about you.

That's not how it works.

He's sending them to you because he cares about you.

Do they make corn loops on the university planet?

No, they're like.

Okay, so he's sending them to you because you can't get them here.

Yeah, but he doesn't like his dad.

His dad's a nerd.

Yeah, I know, AJ.

Wait, are you guys telling me I have to love my dad just because he sends me stuff and pays for everything that I own?

I mean, you don't have to.

You don't really should.

Thank you.

We're just saying that he obviously loves you.

Listen, Flix, we're happy to take that missionator off your hands if you want to get rid of it, you know?

You want a device that tells you to do things?

Well, I mean, it takes the information, it takes information and then helps you.

If you haven't figured it out by my headband, my visor, my gloves, my hack jacket, and the terrible condition that my room is in, I don't like being told what to do.

Whether Whether it's a AI RA bot

or whether it's the nutrition label on a box of corn loops

or my jucking dad.

Listen, hey, Flex, can I just give you

some advice?

Wait, you want to give me advice?

Sort of.

Are you going to take that advice?

I will hear it.

As a friend.

As a friend.

How about you give me some advice?

I kick you in the nads.

Okay.

Deal.

We'll take it.

Stop.

Stop.

No.

And all the croon we own.

Stop.

Come on.

AJ.

Flicks.

You don't have to try so hard.

Okay?

And you know, you should listen to your dad.

He's got some pretty good ideas.

All right.

Noted.

And now I kick you in the net.

He didn't say he was gonna do that.

It's the oldest trick in the book, saying what I'm gonna do and then doing it.

But good job holding the missionator through that whole

exchange.

Dude, I can take that off your hand.

That's my Zima training.

It works.

All right, Nermit, here's your missionator.

I guess your

master missions operations can begin.

Got a few corners in there.

Let's go.

Oh, okay.

All right.

And all right, I'm going to plug this in

near my terrarium.

And oh, it feels good.

Oh, boy, that's cool.

That's cool.

That song.

That's been playing in my head, and to hear it in real life again feels so good.

You know, I gotta say, Bargie, you know, that was sort of a crazy mission, but I'm glad you got what you wanted, you know, and I'm glad we get to still call you Bargie.

Yeah,

but not Bargie.

Turn off the helmet.

Turn off your helmet.

Dari, sorry, hold on.

How's that?

Better.

Yeah, wow.

Yeah, that was poof.

Didn't consider that side effect.

Right, right.

Sure.

Yeah, you got it, Bargie.

Oh, yeah.

So, just to clarify, we didn't like any of those names I mentioned, and we

wouldn't want to use them ever With something else, listen, Dar, you can't count out those names, you know.

Maybe whatever is inside of you, when it comes out, you know,

you'll know.

Bargie!

That sounds so different,

it sounds so secret, you know.

No one's ever gonna suspect Bargie.

What did Baji do?

Nothing, Baji was a farmer.

Baji came from a where where's where's Fleck from?

Rank six.

Rank at six, Baji came from Mega Six.

Look, I have an incoming transmission from Flex Dunker.

Huh.

Uh, okay.

Hey, Flix.

Attention crew of the Bargerian Jade and Bargy.

It's me here.

Flix Dunker.

Oh, hey, Flix, what's up, man?

What's up, guys?

Um, my stupid family, uh,

they sent me another care package, or as I like to call them, uh,

yeah, yeah, I guess I saw that coming.

Yeah, well, they sent me another missionator, idiots.

So, like, if you guys want to come back and like hang out,

if you need another missionator, like, if you need, like, a backup or

we appreciate that

how much currency you want for it.

I just want to ask you guys, if you guys wanted to be my friend, hang out for a little while, it could be like a Netflix and chill type situation.

I mean, I don't know.

That seems like a euphemism.

I don't really want to.

That's not what I've come to a dorm room for, really.

Really?

You know, Flix,

I heard there's a party down at room 55B that sounds pretty cool.

Yeah, some face-to-face interaction to improve your mental state.

Stop telling me what to do, you kin can.

Okay, well, that's my knees put on his head.

That's not very cool.

That's rude.

You know, Bargie, I don't think we ever really got a real answer about why you had to change your name.

I won't get into specifics, but let's just say I made a lot of unwise financial decisions

that have left a lot of people very angry.

Possibly people in charge of governments.

And if they find out it was me and find out where I am, they will definitely kill me and the people who are inside of me.

Okay, all right.

Wow, that's a good reason.

But they'll never get me, because now I'm Bargie.

Haha!

You'll never get Bargie.

Oh, we definitely should have chosen a more more complicated name.

I'm in this cyber fade.

Sorry, are we still watching Netflix or should I just shut off?

This is Sea Red IT5.

Credits and Attributions join, commencing outro protocol.

Stay tuned after the credits for an important message from the crew.

Zee Wa Night Pleck Deck Setter was played by Alden Ford.

C-53 was played by Jeremy Benn.

Dar was played by Ali Kokesh.

Bargie, oops, I mean Bargie.

The ship was played by Mujan Zolfogari.

Master Missions Operations Manager Nerma Bundeloy was played by Seth Lynn.

AJ was played by Winston Knoll.

Flick's Dunker was played by special guest Riley Soliner.

Riley is an NYC-based actor, writer, and comedy wrestler who can be seen performing in NYC with extremely serious wrestling.

Riley can also be seen and heard as Vacation Jason, the world's number one vacation expert.

Follow them both on social media at Riley Soliner and at VacationJason.

This episode was edited by Alden Ford with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Additional sound effects by Riley Soliner.

Recorded at Braun Studios in Brooklyn, New York.

Music composed by Brennan Ryan and performed by famed Macedonian Symphonic Orchestra.

Additional music by Shane O'Connell.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Ship designs with Bargerian Jade by Eric Boyce.

Audio hosting by Simplecast.

Mission to Ziggs is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

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Hello!

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I was just thinking so fast with all these corn loops surging through my system.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

They don't break down.

They just float through.

They just kind of roll through my days.

Are you guys sure it's not Karn loops?

It's spelled Karn loops.

That's

I think it's Karn, guys.

I think it's Karn.

Again, this is a bad story and joke.

I disagree.

Best joke.

Very funny.

Can we get you a