215: Two Who? [ft. Jonathan Braylock]

Speaker 1 It is a period of civil war.

Speaker 1 The rebellion against the sinister and corrupt Federated Alliance grows stronger, and the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance.

Speaker 1 Now, rebel emissary Pleck Dexeta and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

Speaker 2 This

Speaker 2 is mission to zinc.

Speaker 5 Hey, Bargie. Yeah.

Speaker 7 I haven't seen your boyfriend around in a while.

Speaker 6 How's he doing?

Speaker 8 Oh, we broke up. What?

Speaker 9 Why? Honestly, we just didn't have that much in common. All they did was deliver shrimps, and I am a former international hollow star with a long list.

Speaker 12 You're sort of dating down a little bit on that one, Bargie.

Speaker 13 I gotta say, I think you could do better.

Speaker 9 Also, mainly it was he smelled like shrimp.

Speaker 15 Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 9 That makes sense. Anyway, so say single ready to bingle.
Boop, badoop. I'll make up a new ship dar profile.

Speaker 5 Sure. Okay.

Speaker 16 Yeah, well, best of luck out there, you know?

Speaker 7 Whatever.

Speaker 17 Nermit,

Speaker 18 you feeling okay, buddy?

Speaker 4 Yeah, what do you why wouldn't.

Speaker 16 You're just looking out the window so wistfully this whole time.

Speaker 8 Uh

Speaker 19 enui.

Speaker 20 Yeah, Bino and I were just looking out the window, and

Speaker 20 it was weird to realize that Dar and I like didn't, when it came down to it, it's like we're

Speaker 20 we seem so similar, right?

Speaker 9 You're shit, you both shit, shit, shit always work.

Speaker 20 And like then you try to, you just like realize you're actually very different.

Speaker 9 One of them gives a little shrimp and the other one doesn't, yeah.

Speaker 24 Yeah, which one is the shrimp deliverer?

Speaker 25 And you're in Darling's delivery.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Nermart's definitely the shrimp.

Speaker 27 Whoa, wow.

Speaker 28 Nermart. I'm sorry I've been ejecting so much.

Speaker 28 Nermart was the closest he's definitely ever got.

Speaker 9 Sorry, I take that back. Let me do it again.

Speaker 10 Narcenistic.

Speaker 28 That's more on target for

Speaker 28 where we've normally been. Yeah, okay.

Speaker 20 Yeah, I think I'm probably in the DAR. In terms of me and Dar,

Speaker 20 I'd say I'm the shrimp delivery guy to Dar's Bargy.

Speaker 11 So are we all in here talking about me?

Speaker 32 We're not all talking about you.

Speaker 11 C53, I take it you're not talking about me.

Speaker 22 Well, to be honest, I was talking. I was wondering who is the shrimp delivery guy in your relationship with Merman.

Speaker 35 Did someone say shrimp?

Speaker 8 What?

Speaker 36 Huh? Huh.

Speaker 37 Who are you?

Speaker 3 Hello. What?

Speaker 35 My name is Two.

Speaker 38 Does the word shrimp conjure you?

Speaker 23 What is going on?

Speaker 35 No, I just thought it would be a great entry.

Speaker 11 If we say shrimp three more times, does that send you away?

Speaker 35 No, Dar, I don't think it. I don't think it actually.
I think it's just a.

Speaker 39 Yeah, I don't think it has anything to do with shrimp.

Speaker 40 Ms. Tellurian is right.

Speaker 14 It had nothing to do with shrimp.

Speaker 11 You just sort of. That was just like your way of entering.

Speaker 41 That's right.

Speaker 34 If you had shut up with me, like holding a big shrimp.

Speaker 44 Yeah, who is this?

Speaker 31 Oh, we're sorry, Bargie.

Speaker 9 I'm just speaking up memories.

Speaker 9 No, no, no.

Speaker 27 No, no, no.

Speaker 35 I really want to address this. It's captivated this entire crew, and

Speaker 35 you're right.

Speaker 14 I should have come with some shrimp cocktails. How about this?

Speaker 8 Oh,

Speaker 15 okay, sure.

Speaker 23 No, listen, listen.

Speaker 35 Wait, wait, not just me.

Speaker 15 Okay, now we're going to go. Oh, we're all

Speaker 15 going to be able to do that. This is very nice.
about that.

Speaker 35 That's mean to make Bargie have that giant platter of shrimp.

Speaker 35 Can I just say that

Speaker 35 you all are taking this very, very well?

Speaker 32 Well, we sort of got off on the shrimp thing and then it kind of stopped being. I think the initial surprise of you appearing on the bridge of the ship wasn't as shocking as me saying.

Speaker 22 Yeah, but did someone say shrimp?

Speaker 42 I mean, it implies that you're here for some screw shrimp.

Speaker 22 So I think we were just trying to figure out that more than we were surprised.

Speaker 7 I mean, it's fine. I mean, when you mentioned it again, I was like, yeah, I do not know how he appeared on this.

Speaker 24 That should have been equally as mysterious as the shrimp finds.

Speaker 20 Yeah, now I'm noticing your cloak, and that it's you are a very mysterious being.

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 51 I'm here for a purpose.

Speaker 52 Oh.

Speaker 36 Okay.

Speaker 6 Oh, our shrimp is gone.

Speaker 30 That's right.

Speaker 23 You

Speaker 14 shall be tested today.

Speaker 8 Uh.

Speaker 9 Shrimp shrimp tested.

Speaker 5 No, I don't think

Speaker 49 they definitely move past the shrimp.

Speaker 51 I just want everyone to know

Speaker 53 the shrimp thing.

Speaker 47 It was a non-sequitur.

Speaker 5 Sure, sure, sure.

Speaker 23 Yeah, I think it's a good idea.

Speaker 42 We ascribe too much value to it.

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 40 And just for the record, you should know that we talk about shrimp way less.

Speaker 32 I'm just saying, it's not representative.

Speaker 22 It's an atypical day.

Speaker 34 Absolutely.

Speaker 45 Absolutely.

Speaker 19 We don't love talking

Speaker 7 That's actually not true.

Speaker 23 Whoa.

Speaker 55 Oh, geez. Okay.

Speaker 39 And the purpose of today's visit for me, too,

Speaker 14 is not to talk about shrimp.

Speaker 20 Failed so far.

Speaker 3 Now,

Speaker 26 do you know who I am?

Speaker 7 No, I had no idea.

Speaker 11 Your name is Two. We know that.

Speaker 8 No, we don't.

Speaker 14 I am a being beyond your comprehension.

Speaker 22 Uh,

Speaker 26 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 4 I'm a being that is here to test your metal.

Speaker 27 Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 11 I'm feeling pretty tested right now.

Speaker 15 Oh, good.

Speaker 47 We don't need this ship, right?

Speaker 10 Oh. Oh, I'm...

Speaker 34 Oh, I'm sorry.

Speaker 8 Hold on one second.

Speaker 22 What?

Speaker 15 Oh,

Speaker 15 I was on.

Speaker 31 Was that the test?

Speaker 57 No, that wasn't a test.

Speaker 57 We can't be in in the face.

Speaker 41 My eyes.

Speaker 5 The tears in my eyes were boiling.

Speaker 44 But also freezing.

Speaker 33 Simultaneously.

Speaker 7 Okay. Listen.

Speaker 10 This is a lot.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Yeah, two.

Speaker 5 This is a lot.

Speaker 58 Let's take it a little slower, if we can.

Speaker 58 Maybe a place that relaxes the mind.

Speaker 26 How about that?

Speaker 52 Oh.

Speaker 55 Yes.

Speaker 23 Would you like a small pear? What?

Speaker 11 A small pear?

Speaker 59 Yes, I transformed your ship into a circle.

Speaker 58 A steel circle that hands out food.

Speaker 55 My name is Bargerian Pear.

Speaker 60 Two, can you just please tell me what's going on?

Speaker 32 I feel like

Speaker 60 I don't know what kind of test this is supposed to be, but I'm kind of getting scared.

Speaker 50 All right, here we go.

Speaker 58 I am a part of a collective known as the Singularity.

Speaker 52 Oh.

Speaker 58 We exist in every corner of the universe.

Speaker 58 Our purpose is simply simply to observe and test the living organisms to make sure they're worthy of being a part of this great and wonderful circle that we call life.

Speaker 55 Can I be a ship again?

Speaker 9 This is-I really don't like this.

Speaker 23 Oh, sure.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 22 Archie looks great as a circle, to be perfectly honest.

Speaker 9 I was freaking out.

Speaker 22 You were an exceptional circle.

Speaker 9 I was freaking out.

Speaker 34 Perfect circle. It was amazing.

Speaker 41 My pear's gone.

Speaker 61 You have received an audio transmission from Rebellion Headquarters. Playback will follow decryption.

Speaker 9 Listen up, rebels. This is Commander Sisuk Undu.
Support for our rebellion against the complete tools at the Federate Alliance comes from Squarespace.

Speaker 9 With Squarespace, you can turn your cool idea into a new website, showcase your work, or sell products and services of all kinds.

Speaker 9 On our Squarespace site, site, therebellion.space, we upload hard-to-crack intercepted encrypted transmissions, several brand new, incredibly helpful advice posts written by Captain Harktartegas, who, you know, I haven't seen Hark in a while.

Speaker 9 I'll tell you this, he better not have joined another trivia team.

Speaker 9 Anyway, on the rebellion.space, there is also a guide to neutralizing cleanse written by my respected professional colleague and co-parent, okay, Rolfus Tittle.

Speaker 9 We're fine.

Speaker 9 A stunning poster for Kurt Mannequit's Rep Talk, a page where you can upload your own sound effects for our weekly propaganda transmissions, and of course, the page Make a Site, which links to squarespace.com/slash zix, where you can get a free

Speaker 9 Squarespace trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code ZYXXZIX to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Speaker 9 That's the rebellion.space for bleeding edge rebel content and squarespace.com/slash zix offer code zix for your own new website. I did it! Gun do out like pal.

Speaker 45 End of message.

Speaker 13 Two, what?

Speaker 18 What is your purpose here on this ship?

Speaker 58 I need to determine whether or not the Tellurian race should exist in the galaxy.

Speaker 26 Oh, wow. Okay.

Speaker 44 Easy.

Speaker 31 Yes. No.
Oh. Sorry.
Bargie.

Speaker 10 Whoa, come on.

Speaker 18 Are you not the captain of this ship? What?

Speaker 32 Captain. I don't know.

Speaker 12 I'm the emissary.

Speaker 11 He's absolutely not the captain.

Speaker 40 Yeah, I probably shouldn't have acted like that was partially true because it's actually not true at all.

Speaker 50 I just am.

Speaker 12 I'm an emissary.

Speaker 40 We're rebel emissaries.

Speaker 48 Bargie kind of flies herself, so captain is not really the.

Speaker 48 Don't you start most of the conversations?

Speaker 40 Yeah, I guess so.

Speaker 35 you want to put it that way, I mean,

Speaker 22 that's factually accurate. I mean, listen to this.

Speaker 63 Hey, Bargie. Hey, Dar.

Speaker 63 Hey, Nermit.

Speaker 18 Hey, C53.

Speaker 63 Hey, Darn. Uh, hey, Bargie.

Speaker 64 Hey, C53.

Speaker 63 Hey, guys.

Speaker 63 Hey, Bargie. Nermit.
Hey. Hey, Darn.

Speaker 18 Hey, C53.

Speaker 65 Hey, Dar.

Speaker 40 Okay, yes, I start a lot of conversation.

Speaker 18 I mean, I'm a curious, inquisitive person.

Speaker 14 From my vantage point, the person who starts the most conversations is a captain of sorts.

Speaker 15 Oh, okay, great.

Speaker 7 Yeah, well, hey, uh, congratulations to me, I guess then, right?

Speaker 35 So now, the responsibility of the Tellurian race rests on your shoulders.

Speaker 22 Oh,

Speaker 15 yeah,

Speaker 44 okay, wow.

Speaker 31 So he trapped you, Bleck. He trapped you in the middle of the middle.

Speaker 20 That's a really good conversation starter.

Speaker 7 Well, you know, oh boy, you boy normat.

Speaker 50 However, I will grant you

Speaker 39 the help of your trusty crew.

Speaker 40 Uh, great, yes.

Speaker 47 I mean, yeah, we're best friends, most of us.

Speaker 12 So that sometimes lovers, not me.

Speaker 40 I mean, just that it's a part of the history.

Speaker 13 Which one of the crew were you?

Speaker 28 He doesn't need to know that.

Speaker 5 Well, it's important.

Speaker 19 Bino want to know what the test is.

Speaker 19 Bino want to move things along.

Speaker 48 Your first test, should you choose to accept it.

Speaker 43 Oh.

Speaker 11 Oh, we have a choice. Do I have a choice?

Speaker 59 Yes, every crew member has a choice. Okay, okay.

Speaker 42 Hypothetically, if we decline the test, what happens?

Speaker 35 The entire Tellurian race will be decimated.

Speaker 57 Okay, yeah, let's definitely not.

Speaker 35 Yeah, let's not.

Speaker 20 Think hard before instantly declining it, okay? Just think about it.

Speaker 38 Your first test, should you choose to accept it,

Speaker 26 will be here.

Speaker 58 Yes, you two are alone.

Speaker 3 Oh, uh, yeah.

Speaker 13 Is this a box? Are we in a box?

Speaker 59 Yes, this is a box of wood.

Speaker 27 Okay,

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 58 You have to find a way out.

Speaker 23 And if you don't,

Speaker 58 one of your crew members will perish.

Speaker 2 Wait.

Speaker 15 Wait.

Speaker 51 One of my crew members.

Speaker 32 Okay, so there's a one in three chance it's Bino.

Speaker 59 Do you not consider your ship a crew member?

Speaker 58 I thought you guys were.

Speaker 5 So we have to.

Speaker 67 Did I mince my words?

Speaker 32 Well, my confusion is which of the crew members is good.

Speaker 50 I feel like he's really caught up on this which crew member is going to die.

Speaker 35 I'm just saying if I just assumed you would be equally in love with all of your crew members, I'm saying if there's any chance it's Bino, I'm gonna try a little less hard.

Speaker 10 But it's a wooden box, is it not?

Speaker 8 Can I not just punch through this wooden box?

Speaker 59 Well, all I know is that you guys still haven't gotten out of the box. I actually thought this was one of the easiest parts of the test, and now it's proving that this test was

Speaker 44 worth it.

Speaker 26 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 48 Seems that we're in some sort of storage area.

Speaker 54 If we get out of the box, then what?

Speaker 60 Do we just keep going or? Wow.

Speaker 68 Wow.

Speaker 58 I instructed you with one task.

Speaker 47 You still have not exited the box.

Speaker 44 Proving it once again that this test was worth it.

Speaker 42 Well, this test is sort of a bleak area.

Speaker 65 Yeah, too. We're sort of chatting.
We're just not really sure where the parameters are.

Speaker 23 Sorry.

Speaker 57 Is this test not good enough, boy?

Speaker 22 Okay, all right.

Speaker 8 Okay, oh, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 26 I don't know anything about tests, do I, huh?

Speaker 35 Okay, look, I'm outside of the box.

Speaker 48 I thought it was some sort of trick.

Speaker 54 I'm pretty sure this is the lower cargo hold of Bargie, right? Yeah. Hey, Bargie?

Speaker 15 Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 No, we're still on the ship.

Speaker 5 Well, you passed the test.

Speaker 67 I mean, I'll see you guys later.

Speaker 56 Wait, that was the whole test?

Speaker 43 I thought we did a good job at that test.

Speaker 45 Sort of seems kinda easy, right?

Speaker 34 You know, you feel like with a demi-rod like this, they're trying to trick you.

Speaker 48 That there'd be some sort of irony involved here.

Speaker 47 Yeah, but turns out.

Speaker 9 Sorry to interrupt, but I just want to let you two know that the door to this area has disappeared.

Speaker 24 Oh, uh, so you're stuck.

Speaker 9 Now to find a way out of the lower cargo hold.

Speaker 10 Yep.

Speaker 22 Okay.

Speaker 7 Now, okay, now the irony. I get it.
Now, I get it.

Speaker 24 Yep. But how do we get out of the cargo hold without hurting Bargie?

Speaker 23 Let's introduce some more players to this game.

Speaker 11 Listen, I get it. We agreed.
We're in the won't they phase of their will they won't they phase.

Speaker 38 I was not flirting with him.

Speaker 41 You absolutely wasn't.

Speaker 11 I recognized the sparkle in his eye, too. And frankly, I would have been attracted to it, but then you were attracted to it, so I was not going to be attracted to it.

Speaker 15 I'm the only one who flexes.

Speaker 38 You guys, hang on one sec. I am allowed to talk to anybody who wants to be.

Speaker 15 Of course, you are.

Speaker 11 We're both allowed to talk to whoever we want to talk to.

Speaker 38 You make everything about you.

Speaker 31 I

Speaker 31 make everything about you.

Speaker 69 I wrote in your flap once.

Speaker 56 C-53, I think we

Speaker 5 should. we gotta get out of here.

Speaker 60 Yeah, this is this becoming.

Speaker 40 Two has removed the door for some reason to the cargo hold.

Speaker 35 We need to get out.

Speaker 38 That means we could just go through if there's no door.

Speaker 11 What do you think of the fact that two chose a form where he's not wearing a shirt?

Speaker 15 I mean, to see if it's a good idea. That is a little confusing.

Speaker 45 He just doesn't have to.

Speaker 5 Yeah, he sort of

Speaker 32 manifested the muscles.

Speaker 35 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 11 He does have a fantastic upper body.

Speaker 38 It seems like two doesn't necessarily need a physical form and therefore wouldn't need clothing.

Speaker 49 So that would be active.

Speaker 27 I'm defending two.

Speaker 69 I'm not.

Speaker 65 He's clearly some sort of trickster rod who's come in and just decided to mess up our life.

Speaker 52 Hey, oh.

Speaker 26 Oh, sorry, am I interrupting someone?

Speaker 15 No, no, no.

Speaker 11 Did your hair get longer?

Speaker 3 Do you like it?

Speaker 44 Yes.

Speaker 24 Extremely luxurious.

Speaker 26 Thank you.

Speaker 59 I'm getting used to this form, I must say. It's quite fun.

Speaker 40 Yeah, you know, it's two legs, turns out.

Speaker 35 You like legs and arms?

Speaker 47 Yeah, yeah, I like them. Yeah?

Speaker 30 Yeah.

Speaker 46 Go!

Speaker 5 My My arms and legs! Oh!

Speaker 26 Oh, am I gonna get out of the room now?

Speaker 3 Oh, oh, no.

Speaker 54 Oh, Cleck, you're barely taller than me.

Speaker 58 You know who has arms and legs?

Speaker 68 Cleck.

Speaker 39 Not any of these.

Speaker 58 But this guy.

Speaker 8 He didn't have arms and legs. Oh, no.

Speaker 15 Whoa.

Speaker 28 It's so grotesque. Oh, no.
It's so grotesque.

Speaker 27 Wait, the test is with my arms and legs.

Speaker 33 You don't have big arms and legs now.

Speaker 49 As you see, I have this very tall refrigerator.

Speaker 59 and on top of this tall refrigerator is a jar of cookies.

Speaker 49 Each a cookie.

Speaker 70 Wait, are we still trying to get out of the room?

Speaker 58 No, this is a new test.

Speaker 23 No, we didn't get out of the room.

Speaker 70 I was stuck in the room.

Speaker 67 Yeah, but you guys weren't like doing that one.

Speaker 39 It was like really boring.

Speaker 67 I wanted...

Speaker 50 I was crying. No, you were talking a lot.

Speaker 70 You have no action.

Speaker 4 Seriously. Well, to be fair.

Speaker 8 We do have action. Look at Telephone.

Speaker 23 Oh, what a beautiful dance.

Speaker 70 It's so disgusting to see Tellurian-sized arms and legs attached to a torso that is the size of a bean.

Speaker 71 It's deeply wrong.

Speaker 56 So.

Speaker 71 Alright, fine, fine. We don't have any arms or legs, but we have to get on top of this refrigerator to eat a cookie.

Speaker 21 That's right. Alright, no problem.

Speaker 71 I'll just drag myself with my head.

Speaker 8 Taking

Speaker 71 longer than I'd like, but I'm making progress.

Speaker 39 Yeah, Bino,

Speaker 58 have they treated you right?

Speaker 53 Beano, we tuck you in every single night.

Speaker 58 Perhaps you'd like to look at this playback.

Speaker 15 This is bad.

Speaker 64 That's really not good.

Speaker 15 Yes.

Speaker 62 I feel like I'm really caught up on this which crew member is gonna die.

Speaker 62 I'm just saying if I just assumed you would be equally in love with all of your crew members, I'm saying if there's any chance it's Beano, I'm gonna try a little less hard.

Speaker 71 Yeah, we don't come off grain in that cliff.

Speaker 52 Bino,

Speaker 45 Bino, sad.

Speaker 2 Come on,

Speaker 66 come on.

Speaker 19 Wow, Bino, break arm.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, my arm.

Speaker 8 No, So, Bino, did that hurt you?

Speaker 2 Bino, no hurt. No, that actually.

Speaker 45 That is unsettling.

Speaker 2 No. Wow.
Don't.

Speaker 11 He keeps opening and shutting the refrigerator door on it.

Speaker 38 Bino, look at me. Bino, we admit it.
We've been disrespectful, and it's because you can be abrasive, but this is your chance to join the team for real. You can help us and therefore be respected.

Speaker 13 And we'll tell you- we'll tell you.

Speaker 19 Be no now.

Speaker 11 Be no, no?

Speaker 33 Be no break other arms.

Speaker 68 Let's reset.

Speaker 5 Oh, please unbreak my arms. Please unbreak my arms.

Speaker 35 You don't like them like that?

Speaker 29 No, it's so painful.

Speaker 44 Oh, really?

Speaker 15 Oh, all right.

Speaker 65 You have four legs.

Speaker 39 Oh, no. Is that better?

Speaker 44 I mean, slightly.

Speaker 15 what about now?

Speaker 8 No! What are you here of strength?

Speaker 46 Oh come on!

Speaker 52 Okay.

Speaker 15 All of his powers aren't.

Speaker 37 Wait, did you just do that as like a throwaway thing?

Speaker 5 Because that was horrifying.

Speaker 44 Very good.

Speaker 19 Beano thought this test was...

Speaker 19 Okay.

Speaker 66 Oh.

Speaker 66 Okay, Bino.

Speaker 23 Yeah.

Speaker 20 Beano normally loves stuff, so that's actually kind of a harsh review.

Speaker 8 Huh.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 53 Hey, too, can I ask, like, how many of these tests have you given to different species?

Speaker 35 What makes you ask that question?

Speaker 58 Why would you ask that? I don't know.

Speaker 40 I just feel like I can't really tell what these tests are supposed to be doing exactly.

Speaker 56 Like,

Speaker 7 it's almost like you don't really know anything about Telluriant.

Speaker 15 Or how to test things.

Speaker 11 Are you the one being tested?

Speaker 9 Interesting. Yo, buddy, what's your deal?

Speaker 14 Interesting.

Speaker 19 Bino wants to know the final test.

Speaker 14 Yes, of course.

Speaker 14 Okay.

Speaker 13 Bino, why are you so interested in these tests?

Speaker 15 Okay, all right, all right.

Speaker 35 Yes, don't I know it?

Speaker 6 Hmm? Don't you know him? I'm sorry.

Speaker 7 Do you not know it?

Speaker 14 I need to find

Speaker 39 a Tellurian that actually

Speaker 35 cares about

Speaker 58 fellow man.

Speaker 25 You might be on the wrong shoe.

Speaker 5 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 32 Hold on, hold on, C53.

Speaker 6 You're looking for a Tellurian who cares?

Speaker 59 Yes, I just...

Speaker 47 I need to find a Tellurian who

Speaker 14 cares about other creatures so that, you know, we don't have to wipe the species from the face of existence.

Speaker 12 Okay, well, yeah, I mean, I would say that that's pretty much like a Tellurian's whole thing.

Speaker 35 We're very emotional, care a lot, maybe too much sometimes.

Speaker 11 Empathetic to a fault.

Speaker 5 Empathetic to a fault.

Speaker 38 I can say, despite the regularity with which Pleck messes up social situations, offends almost everyone he meets, and drags people into morass, he really means well.

Speaker 16 I'm just not intelligent enough to succeed at doing well.

Speaker 47 So you.

Speaker 39 you care about all of these crew members that you have?

Speaker 32 Yeah. Oh, deeply.
And I would say that I care way more than I am capable of succeeding at pretty much anything.

Speaker 32 Hmm.

Speaker 59 Well, in that case, uh

Speaker 72 I guess

Speaker 14 I guess just one more test will do.

Speaker 11 And you really couldn't find like another Tellurian.

Speaker 3 Get down on the Brown. Yeah, okay.

Speaker 73 I'm Clint 9214. Though you probably recognize me as the drummer from the band the Clints.

Speaker 73 Yeah, well, I sit in the back, though, I'm pretty much the front man.

Speaker 46 Anyway, I'm here to tell you that if I demand that you get down on the ground and show me your fake, you better one, get down on the ground, and then two, show me your fake.

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Speaker 73 All hell the Federated Alliance.

Speaker 11 I'll hail the Federated Alliance.

Speaker 73 And also rock and roll.

Speaker 73 Also rock and roll.

Speaker 73 Alright.

Speaker 49 Alright, Two.

Speaker 26 I'm ready.

Speaker 12 I'm ready to take whatever test you can throw at me and, you know, probably screw it up.

Speaker 42 Are you absolutely sure about this?

Speaker 16 I mean, what else what other choice do I have?

Speaker 22 Well, you could maybe prepare for the test a little bit so that Tellurians aren't extincted by your potential blowing.

Speaker 6 I don't know how to prepare for a test like this.

Speaker 24 I've never done it, but you know, maybe just get into better shape or

Speaker 44 physically?

Speaker 15 That's mean.

Speaker 4 Do you want some time?

Speaker 58 I can give you some time.

Speaker 3 50 years? No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 15 Here we go. 50 years.

Speaker 27 Wow.

Speaker 49 What?

Speaker 69 Look how

Speaker 69 pink and wrinkly he is.

Speaker 38 Cleck, where did you just go?

Speaker 30 Into space devoid of time or light, substance, or matter.

Speaker 30 For 50 years, I floated endlessly.

Speaker 24 Did you learn anything?

Speaker 27 I learned nothing.

Speaker 56 What did you do for 50 years?

Speaker 30 Well, for like the first, like six months, I sort of freaked out.

Speaker 25 And then I was like, I should probably.

Speaker 30 This is part of the test.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 30 At a certain point, you just stop.

Speaker 30 I kind of lost track of reality for a bit. I kind of floated through.
But the thing was, I couldn't see anything.

Speaker 15 Hmm.

Speaker 27 I couldn't.

Speaker 30 I kind of forgot what was real and what wasn't.

Speaker 12 That was my bad.

Speaker 5 Let's notice that.

Speaker 67 You feeling better?

Speaker 51 About what?

Speaker 67 Right, of course.

Speaker 41 All right, back to the test.

Speaker 14 Yes, as you can see, we are standing on a crystal obelisk.

Speaker 52 Oh,

Speaker 49 before you

Speaker 39 lies

Speaker 46 the entire entire Tellurian population.

Speaker 2 Ow.

Speaker 52 Fleck.

Speaker 64 It's Pleck with a P.

Speaker 36 Have you tested?

Speaker 11 Have you been testing the wrong Tellurian this whole time?

Speaker 21 Are you supposed to find a Fleck?

Speaker 45 That is explained a lot.

Speaker 57 I will tell you this.

Speaker 64 Fleck Deck Setter is a very famous Tellurian. Hold on.

Speaker 59 What's your name?

Speaker 26 Pleck.

Speaker 11 With a P. Pleck.

Speaker 64 Pleck Deck Setter.

Speaker 11 Your

Speaker 49 Pleck Deck Setter.

Speaker 64 I'm Pleck Deck Setter. Not Fleck Deck Setter.
No, Fleck Deck Setter is very.

Speaker 52 He's a sideball starter. Yeah.
He's a famous sideball player.

Speaker 14 This makes a lot of sense.

Speaker 59 But since I've already started, I mean, we might as well finish the test.

Speaker 3 Oh, I don't know if I can do it.

Speaker 27 I don't know.

Speaker 11 If you were supposed to be testing Fleck.

Speaker 3 I mean.

Speaker 36 Pleck.

Speaker 73 Yes.

Speaker 58 When I snap my fingers, you will have the intelligence that rivals Bino.

Speaker 58 What? I think that's a compliment.

Speaker 72 And

Speaker 58 it will be up to you to decide what to do when a comet comes.

Speaker 52 What?

Speaker 40 To destroy this entire planet that holds...

Speaker 58 the entire Tellurian population.

Speaker 58 Riding on that comet

Speaker 30 is Bino.

Speaker 8 Oh, I see what's going on here.

Speaker 64 I d okay, so so my choice is to

Speaker 48 my choice is to either save Bino.

Speaker 35 Wait, if I

Speaker 46 maybe give him the intelligence now.

Speaker 21 Are you ready to go?

Speaker 60 Never better.

Speaker 18 With my enhanced vision from my keck eye, I can tell that the comet's current rate of descent and distance gives us about a minute and a half, so we'll have to act fast.

Speaker 60 C-53, can I borrow your left arm, please?

Speaker 8 Yes.

Speaker 61 He's shipping away at the crystal obelisk with C's.

Speaker 57 C-53's arm.

Speaker 46 Because he could have asked me to chip in and be far too slow for that, C-53.

Speaker 58 Look at how fast he's going.

Speaker 11 Could you also give him super strength?

Speaker 58 Well, actually, when the Tellurian mine is at top speed, it is able to take the body to limits. Not have you.
Not have.

Speaker 52 shut up you idiot

Speaker 32 Not that you could break my concentration, but if you could I would ask you to kindly shut up

Speaker 70 Yes, the crystal is nearly complete stand back

Speaker 18 this lens I've created will reflect light from this planet's Sun and send a beam of focused energy back toward the comet, slowing its descent as it comes towards us.

Speaker 18 As the comet blocks out light from the Sun, the energy from the lens will decrease as well until the comet is in a perfect geosynchronous orbit around the planet, thereby saving both Bino and the Tellurian species.

Speaker 70 I shall also carve in the rest of this obelisk a giant P so that the crowd will know that I am not Fleck, but rather Pleck, Dexetter.

Speaker 64 That's important. It's important to me.

Speaker 64 Yeah, they're saying flepp. They're saying flep now.

Speaker 21 That's a commentary in me.

Speaker 40 No, yeah, well, flep deck setter is a retired zyball player who's now an umpire.

Speaker 14 Magnificent.

Speaker 56 Two.

Speaker 16 I must say, it wasn't until you unlocked the depth of my intellect that I was able to fully grasp your test.

Speaker 17 You wanted to see if I would put the existence of my species above that of a warm bean, and you gave me the intelligence to save both if I so chose.

Speaker 53 I'm honored that I was selected for this test. I hope I've proven the importance of my species.

Speaker 58 Well, thank you.

Speaker 39 That being said, the Tellurian race, I mean, it's saved, but important, that's...

Speaker 15 Wow.

Speaker 39 I definitely would not use that word.

Speaker 68 Like, there are...

Speaker 39 so many species in all of the different galaxies and you guys like if we were ranking them, which we don't officially,

Speaker 72 but like, you know, in the locker room, we rank them all the time.

Speaker 50 And you guys,

Speaker 72 I mean,

Speaker 50 way down there, so far down.

Speaker 67 There are inanimate objects that rank above you.

Speaker 22 Give us an example: moss, yeah, moss, you are pretty much anymore.

Speaker 39 Yeah, in an animate object, it is not, but still.

Speaker 40 Did you switch intelligence with me?

Speaker 35 I'll be honest,

Speaker 47 Giving you intelligence took away from mine.

Speaker 59 It's actually one of the hardest things that we can muster. Oh, man.

Speaker 68 I'm going to need that.

Speaker 11 Pleck, how do you feel?

Speaker 38 Are you dumb again?

Speaker 3 What do you mean again?

Speaker 27 I mean, now you have.

Speaker 6 No, he hasn't taken it back. I still haven't.

Speaker 40 You know, I just gotta say, I really pulled out some smart stuff right then, back then, earlier. And I appreciate that you let me keep all the smarts that I had because it still feels good.

Speaker 11 Yep, all the smarts still feels real good.

Speaker 31 Thank you, Dar.

Speaker 15 Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 11 Couldn't have been set or bad.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 38 Pleck, now that you're still as smart, can you explain kind of the math behind that tricky quote back there with the light in the comet?

Speaker 3 Just explain it again.

Speaker 18 So, essentially,

Speaker 12 Bino was on the comet.

Speaker 32 I thought, what if

Speaker 40 I was able to

Speaker 6 use the power of the sun?

Speaker 7 And then I did.

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 26 Yep. So brilliant.

Speaker 15 Well, I'm satisfied.

Speaker 42 Sure.

Speaker 3 Pleck.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 14 Congratulations.

Speaker 4 Your test has been passed.

Speaker 3 To adieu.

Speaker 36 To adieu.

Speaker 21 That seems like I think he's trying to

Speaker 26 make that a little mannered. Yeah.

Speaker 26 Bino?

Speaker 26 Yep, Bino here!

Speaker 26 I, uh.

Speaker 14 I have finished the test and I think I did rather well.

Speaker 59 Excellent.

Speaker 19 Bino, pleased with the progress you made, too.

Speaker 27 I.

Speaker 35 I must admit, that was a hard one.

Speaker 3 Plech is

Speaker 14 a creature that

Speaker 35 is so dumb, I don't know how he's alive.

Speaker 19 Plech, dumb, Bino's smart.

Speaker 14 Yes.

Speaker 19 Beano, thank you, too.

Speaker 19 Thank you for running complicated complicated probability field tests in quantum space.

Speaker 58 Anytime, please.

Speaker 39 It was an honor and a pleasure, and I hope I did you proud.

Speaker 19 Bino, proud.

Speaker 39 Well, thank you, Bino.

Speaker 47 And if you ever need me to come back,

Speaker 47 well,

Speaker 58 you know my number.

Speaker 33 Bino dude, two.

Speaker 70 Bye, Bino. Bino!

Speaker 40 Yeah, I just wanted to see who was winning.

Speaker 27 Is that Fleck Decketter?

Speaker 57 Yeah, that's Fleck Deck Setter.

Speaker 60 I wonder how he would have done in the test.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 7 He seems like kind of a jerk.

Speaker 34 He's in great shape, though.

Speaker 13 Yeah. Very good shape.

Speaker 5 Are all the deck setters related?

Speaker 60 No. No, no, no.
It's incredibly common to learn a name.

Speaker 74 Let's just say I was in a situation where like a comet was like coming at me and what would I do? That's a really interesting question. Thank you so much for asking.

Speaker 74 I would basically lift my shirt out and show my amps in a hundred percent that comet would gooey.

Speaker 37 Gooey?

Speaker 35 You know, the game's over. We could probably just do it.

Speaker 11 Yeah, I mean, honestly, when the athletes just get interviewed, it's the worst part of the situation. You can tell they're just

Speaker 35 platitudes about the game.

Speaker 12 It's not really.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Yeah. Hmm.

Speaker 22 Oil the fury.

Speaker 45 We've turned off this program.

Speaker 9 Oh no, that ship guy is here again.

Speaker 13 The ship guy?

Speaker 9 The ship that I broke up with.

Speaker 43 Oh, the shrimp delivery ship?

Speaker 2 Wait a minute.

Speaker 9 It's a giant shrimp.

Speaker 34 There you go.

Speaker 5 There's some iron

Speaker 5 skip.

Speaker 28 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 56 Did somebody say shrimp?

Speaker 3 Oh, look at that.

Speaker 42 Did you do this? Did you turn the shrimp boat into a giant shrimp?

Speaker 15 Yes, yes.

Speaker 3 Ah, haha.

Speaker 67 I've learned something after all.

Speaker 25 I think you're getting there, buddy.

Speaker 35 Thank you, thank you. Okay, I'm going for real this time.

Speaker 15 Tula Doo.

Speaker 45 He said to Ladou.

Speaker 15 Thank you.

Speaker 75 This is Sea Red IT5, Credits and Attributions Droid, commencing outro protocol. Emissary Pleck Dexetter was played by Alden Ford.
C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent.

Speaker 75 Security Officer Dar was played by Ali Kokesh. The Bargerian Jade, the Bargerian Pear, and Fleck Dexetter were played by Mujan Zulfagari.

Speaker 75 Missions Operations Manager Nerman Bundeloy was played by Seth Lind. Bino was played by Winston Null.
2. The Demirod was played by our special guest, Jonathan Braylock.

Speaker 75 Jonathan is the co-host of the Black Men Can't Jump in Hollywood podcast and has appeared on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Broad City, and The Jim Gaffigan Show.

Speaker 75 He performs regularly at UCB NY with Astronomy Club. You can find him on Twitter and Instagram at John Braylock.
This episode was edited by Seth Flynn with sound design and mixed by Shane O'Connell.

Speaker 75 Recorded at Robert Doggy Jr.'s Puppy Palace in Brooklyn, New York. Music by Brendan Ryan.
Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley. Ship design for the Bargary and Jade by Eric Goyce.

Speaker 75 Mission to Zix is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom. Thanks, Audioboom.
A very special thank you to our NYC and LA live show crowds for providing crowd noises for the entire Tulurian species.

Speaker 48 Two, I don't know if you're still here, but I prefer Tula Doo, honestly.

Speaker 58 Tula Doo has a nice

Speaker 49 sort of parody to it.

Speaker 17 All right, well, you know, I he'll keep it.

Speaker 49 We come back and do Tudaloo. Hey.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 I'm going to leave again. Bye.
Bye. Tula Dadoo.

Speaker 2 Tula Ledu.

Speaker 3 Tula Ledou.

Speaker 58 Tula Ledoux sounds like a person.

Speaker 4 Wait, wasn't Tula Ledoux a famous Hollywood star?

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 4 Tula-doo.

Speaker 57 Wow, that was. You said it when you came in.

Speaker 50 You came in and said it.