212: Crystal Boo-Boo Persuasion [ft. Arnie Niekamp, Adal Rifai & Matt Young]

Speaker 1 It is a period of civil war.

Speaker 3 The rebellion against the sinister and corrupt Federated Alliance grows stronger, and the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance.

Speaker 3 Now, rebel emissary Pleck Dexeta and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

Speaker 5 This

Speaker 6 is mission to

Speaker 7 Nermit, hey,

Speaker 9 I got your heat rock set up again.

Speaker 10 Are you serious?

Speaker 9 Yeah, well, you know, we still had it around and just figured, you know, let's plug that bad boy in.

Speaker 3 I'm going to just hop up in there.

Speaker 4 Oh, man.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's good to have you back, buddy.

Speaker 11 Thank you so much.

Speaker 12 It's good to be back.

Speaker 13 Wow.

Speaker 14 Beano loves heat rock.

Speaker 9 No, Bino, stop.

Speaker 15 You can't.

Speaker 16 You had it out for Bino?

Speaker 9 No, no, no, no, no, no. We.

Speaker 14 Bino loves heat rock.

Speaker 9 Okay, occasionally we'd plug it in. If Bino couldn't sleep, we would put Bino in the heat rock.

Speaker 8 I initialed it.

Speaker 15 I wrote my...

Speaker 1 Okay, okay.

Speaker 16 Alright, well, I'm just going to stretch out on it and.

Speaker 10 Yeah, cool.

Speaker 18 All right, well, you just chill there and.

Speaker 19 Okay.

Speaker 9 Okay. You know, Nerma, you're actually going to.
I think you and Bino might actually really get along.

Speaker 16 Really? Is that a size thing? You just think because Bino and I are the state closest.

Speaker 14 to them? Bino, Big Spoon. Nermit Little Spoon.

Speaker 20 Okay.

Speaker 16 Honestly, I think Dar is Big Spoon, let's be honest.

Speaker 8 Hey, Dar.

Speaker 9 Yes. How are you?

Speaker 9 I don't know. I probably shouldn't say this in a room with all of us in the same room at the same time.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 9 But I was just going to say, like, it's great, right? Things are great now that everybody's all together again.

Speaker 21 Um, Pleck, could I just talk to you?

Speaker 8 Sure, yeah, absolutely, yeah.

Speaker 22 Um,

Speaker 21 yeah, Pleck, you know, things with with Nermit are um a little weird right now.

Speaker 10 What? Why?

Speaker 21 Well, it's just we we had already agreed that you know, we didn't like the long distance thing, so we were just gonna, you know, see other people. Oh, and now he's

Speaker 21 on the ship.

Speaker 9 Wait, are you like actively seeing somebody else right now?

Speaker 21 I'm not actively seeing one someone else.

Speaker 13 Oh, no.

Speaker 14 You don't want to know what's going on.

Speaker 21 Bino?

Speaker 15 Hmm?

Speaker 21 Do you want to play our fun game?

Speaker 15 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 16 Are we, wait, what are you guys doing? I hear something about a game.

Speaker 21 I like to remind everybody I hear all conversations to say.

Speaker 23 Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

Speaker 26 I am maintaining my distance.

Speaker 21 Thank you, C.

Speaker 26 Just for reference, I can hear everything.

Speaker 15 Yeah, thanks for watching.

Speaker 9 Guys, can I just say something since there are all of us in the room at the same time? Yeah, of course. I think there might be too many of us here at once.

Speaker 27 I would have to agree.

Speaker 23 What?

Speaker 10 What?

Speaker 25 Alright, I let some more people in.

Speaker 27 There was no one waiting

Speaker 13 Bargie, did we have guests and you didn't tell us?

Speaker 25 I want to tell you everything. What am I, huh?

Speaker 31 Your mom? Wait, wait, is that...

Speaker 8 Sorry, I'm the mom.

Speaker 21 Yes, you are.

Speaker 27 The only one there to greet me was Bargie, because she's everywhere all of the time.

Speaker 30 You're welcome and woke.

Speaker 9 Yeah, sorry.

Speaker 20 I don't believe we've met.

Speaker 9 I'm Emissary Pleck Dexter.

Speaker 27 Oh, I'm Veteran Missions Operations Manager Volm Sunblighter.

Speaker 33 Hello?

Speaker 23 That's right.

Speaker 27 I've come today with a mission for all of you. Plus, these two young boys here.

Speaker 6 Oh.

Speaker 27 They must be scared straight.

Speaker 11 I just don't like anything I hear from an adult.

Speaker 21 I'm sorry, if we could just quickly touch on.

Speaker 15 How old are each of you?

Speaker 11 I'm 17 and a half.

Speaker 24 Okay.

Speaker 26 And I'm 17 and a fourth.

Speaker 21 A fourth, I see.

Speaker 27 These two young men have gotten themselves into all kinds of trouble, and I have to say that 17 is far too old to be counting half-birthdays.

Speaker 17 I mean, that's true.

Speaker 1 That's absolutely true.

Speaker 13 Quarter birthdays.

Speaker 13 Certainly.

Speaker 23 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 27 Well, your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to deliver these three crystals to the planet Vorbom.

Speaker 23 Oh.

Speaker 26 This is boring.

Speaker 27 Now, these two boys, this teen Telurian and this teen droid.

Speaker 9 Wait, do they... I'm sorry, do they have names?

Speaker 11 Yeah, you can call me Drake Fiskin.

Speaker 15 Ooh.

Speaker 13 Is that your real name? Is that your name?

Speaker 10 You can call me Drake Fiskin.

Speaker 13 Alright. For

Speaker 13 a better alternative, we can call you Drake Fiskin.

Speaker 21 But if you wanted to tell us your real name, you could.

Speaker 24 Well,

Speaker 16 it just sounds like a made-up cool name.

Speaker 11 It is a made-up cool name.

Speaker 21 I mean, you nailed it. You absolutely nailed it because that's pretty cool.

Speaker 7 Thank you, I thought it was pretty cool.

Speaker 11 Is the fist part of Fiskin too much?

Speaker 17 Oh, is it?

Speaker 20 It's Fiskin?

Speaker 11 It's Drake Fiskin.

Speaker 11 So much better than my real name, Gavin Boo-Boo.

Speaker 10 Oh, yeah, that's it for me.

Speaker 13 That's not a real name.

Speaker 9 That's self-awareness, though. That's good for a 17-year-old to understand.

Speaker 15 And what's your name, Kidda?

Speaker 26 My name is AR33, but you can call me Alpine Nightly.

Speaker 21 I'm gonna call you AR33.

Speaker 35 I wish you wouldn't.

Speaker 21 I've already forgotten your fake name.

Speaker 7 Alpha Knightley. I'll keep it.

Speaker 23 No.

Speaker 21 No, no, no. AR-33.

Speaker 25 Alright, guys, I got this. I got this.
Everybody be quiet, okay?

Speaker 25 I know this is a scared, straight situation, and uh, I did a couple movies where I scared some people's dress.

Speaker 25 What you do was bad, but the world out there was worse.

Speaker 25 So why don't you uh uh what was the rest?

Speaker 9 Oh, Bargie, you're still close.

Speaker 32 Oh, okay.

Speaker 11 For a second, I was almost scared straight.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Wait, AR-33, how is it that a droid needs to be scared straight?

Speaker 26 I was made with flaws to make me more angsty.

Speaker 10 Oh, yeah, sure.

Speaker 13 It's a controversial production, but you know, they wanted some versatility.

Speaker 26 Yeah, so I could relate with Drake.

Speaker 11 My dad gave me this disposition.

Speaker 16 Yeah, that's.

Speaker 26 I was made to be Drake's best friend.

Speaker 10 That's how I got disposition.

Speaker 29 Now, now, now.

Speaker 27 There are three crystals to deliver to three different continents.

Speaker 21 This position? That was awesome.

Speaker 27 Now, as Veteran Missions Operation Manager, I must insist that we focus on our task task.

Speaker 27 Yes, watch your language, first of all. Never use that combination of goose sound and footwear again to embarrass me.

Speaker 26 Just chucking deprogramming now.

Speaker 26 Splice my own wires.

Speaker 36 Oh, boy.

Speaker 9 Okay, listen. So we gotta.

Speaker 20 We'll deliver the crystals. That's fine.

Speaker 26 That's what you sound like.

Speaker 21 Yeah, that is what you sound like.

Speaker 23 Oh, that was so good.

Speaker 30 That was very close to me.

Speaker 26 Pretty close to what you sound like.

Speaker 26 Look, my name is Jack Fudrucker.

Speaker 25 Wait, wait, wait, you put it in the back.

Speaker 9 That's pretty close, actually. Yeah.

Speaker 27 Emissary Ducksetta, I insist that you get this mission on

Speaker 2 the point. Yes.

Speaker 18 Deliver the crystals. Yeah.

Speaker 9 Thank you, Normit.

Speaker 11 Can I just stay here and send my jeans?

Speaker 15 Sure.

Speaker 16 Dart, that's not how you.

Speaker 21 I'm sorry. Do you have something to say to me, Normit?

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 16 I've been obviously trying to hug you, and you are like about this mission.

Speaker 11 Oh, we're trying to scare these kids straight.

Speaker 13 You want to send jexts?

Speaker 13 You know, juck texts.

Speaker 21 Yeah, I love those.

Speaker 13 Oh, sure, we all love those, but he's 17 and a half.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 15 we're very aware of that.

Speaker 22 Everyone is aware.

Speaker 11 Yeah, I'm jexting like butts.

Speaker 7 So, you two nerds have never jexted in your life.

Speaker 10 No, I've jetsted.

Speaker 15 Jext re-butts.

Speaker 9 If you're putting a subject line in your jext, you're doing it wrong.

Speaker 25 Wait, send me one.

Speaker 11 Uh, all right, here's one.

Speaker 21 Yeah, read it out loud.

Speaker 13 Um, come on, Drake, you got this.

Speaker 6 Uh,

Speaker 6 Mr.

Speaker 10 Yeah, I'm going for it.

Speaker 6 I'm totally gonna go for it. This is

Speaker 26 the

Speaker 23 Okay, just like

Speaker 11 Jism.

Speaker 27 Did you just say the word jishm and nothing else?

Speaker 23 Jism.

Speaker 21 Okay, what was the jacks before that one?

Speaker 21 Hi.

Speaker 21 And the

Speaker 21 jext before that one?

Speaker 11 Why aren't you responding to my jexts?

Speaker 13 So the chains, why aren't you responding to my jexts? Hi, Jizam.

Speaker 21 Yeah, I'm okay. That was a beautiful recap.

Speaker 27 Oh, back in the monarchy when I was a grand plot, I sent the most disgusting jacks everyone ever saw.

Speaker 21 Okay, now, if you wouldn't mind reading a couple of your favorites out loud, I would certainly be pleased to.

Speaker 32 Girl, you up?

Speaker 27 I'm going to eat that ass.

Speaker 10 That's pretty good.

Speaker 9 That's pretty good. Cogent.

Speaker 26 Yeah, that's a jext.

Speaker 2 What you can do that to an ass?

Speaker 10 What?

Speaker 27 This is not acceptable behavior for young men of your age. You can't do these things for another six months and nine months.

Speaker 13 Veteran Missions Operations Manager

Speaker 13 feels like you're enabling these things in some way.

Speaker 27 I have no idea of what you refer to, C53.

Speaker 11 Is this usually how the scared straight program goes? Do they talk about eating ass this much?

Speaker 27 Every single time.

Speaker 9 Yeah, you know, uh, Gavin, what did you do that you needed to be scared straight?

Speaker 4 Did you, like, break a rule? Did you get in a fight?

Speaker 9 What happened?

Speaker 11 I got this eye patch.

Speaker 16 Uh, that was an infraction?

Speaker 27 That is one of the early red flags. When a young man puts on an eye patch, you must beware their next actions.

Speaker 32 We must look for the warning signs.

Speaker 26 We're still trying to figure out our personality. Try it on some different things, you know?

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 21 Wait, so if you put on an eye patch, what did you do?

Speaker 10 Remove my eye?

Speaker 23 Wait, what?

Speaker 21 Okay, so that actually does sound more horrifying than well.

Speaker 2 No, I'm still pretty dangerous.

Speaker 11 Like, another day, I came to school with a cane.

Speaker 26 Yeah, he walked with a cane, and then at the last minute, he did a forward wow.

Speaker 27 Yes, these sorts of affectations are exactly the sorts of things that we must be wary of.

Speaker 9 That seems sort of like endearing, though.

Speaker 8 Where do you guys keep your hats around here?

Speaker 6 Where do we keep our hats?

Speaker 32 No, don't encourage his affectations.

Speaker 6 He's chosen

Speaker 25 Okay, uh, hey, we've landed, so not that anybody cares, but I took the coordinates and I landed, and we're here to do the job that we're supposed to do.

Speaker 23 Thank you, Bargy.

Speaker 25 So, thank you, Bargy.

Speaker 27 Thank you, Bargerian J.

Speaker 9 Thank you. Uh, you know, uh, VMOM Sunblighter, I think maybe uh, Gavin and I should go out and deliver these crystals.

Speaker 27 Well, there are three different crystals that need to go to three different locations. If you would like to have different members of the crew split up into the cross-class colours,

Speaker 15 that's probably a better idea.

Speaker 27 It seems like a way we could really cut through some of the chaos.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 15 Sure.

Speaker 14 Beeno think the droids should go together, Gavin and Plex should go together, and Dar, Nermit, and Vom Sunbider should go together.

Speaker 19 That's what Beethoven thinks.

Speaker 35 Yeah, let's just put the droids together.

Speaker 10 They're a poodle.

Speaker 27 C-53, could I speak to you for a moment, please?

Speaker 27 I think it's very important

Speaker 27 that AR-33 has a role model such as yourself.

Speaker 22 Alpine

Speaker 27 has a role model such as yourself, someone who has years of experience, but he can see himself reflected in you.

Speaker 13 Very well, I'd be happy to accompany him.

Speaker 35 Hey, guys, this is fun.

Speaker 26 Should we just keep talking about splitting up?

Speaker 27 Yes, let's go over the plan one more time.

Speaker 18 Okay, very good.

Speaker 16 All right, I'll be the note keeper.

Speaker 27 Thank you. Let the note-taking begin.

Speaker 15 All right.

Speaker 13 So, Emissary Doug Settle accompanies Gavin Bumboo, and they will deliver one crystal, myself, and Alpine Knightley will deliver the second crystal.

Speaker 23 And

Speaker 13 veteran missions operations manager Volm Sunblinder, Missions Operations Manager Nervit Bundeloy, and Dar will deliver the third crystal.

Speaker 15 Okay, great.

Speaker 32 Sounds excellent.

Speaker 6 Servant, do you want to read that back?

Speaker 3 Oh, I. Ah, dang it.

Speaker 16 I didn't hit save.

Speaker 29 Attention, this is Captain Hark Turnagas transmitting from halfway under the seat of my fighter. Here's hoping I can use my foot to steer around the temporal rifts while I rewire this hyperdrive.

Speaker 29 Looks like someone took a Thurousian hammer to it, but I believe I've got the thing nearly fixed. Escaping this haunting, no-sentience land is a top priority.
Second only to writing my advice column.

Speaker 29 Yes, indeed. Over on the rebellion.space, you can read my answers to tough questions sent in by confused, searching rebels.

Speaker 29 And heck, send in your own question and receive some tough love back from Arc. I don't know everything, but whatever I've learned in the aerial trenches of this noble rebellion, I am honored to share.

Speaker 29 And while you're at the rebellion.space, why not check out the gorgeous poster for Turkmannekin's RevTalk? Lend a hand cracking some troublesome encrypted messages.

Speaker 29 Read Rolfus Tittle's essential guide to neutralizing clints, and then click Make a Site, which links to squarespace.com slash 6, where you can use the offer code ZIX, Z-Y-X-X, to get a free Squarespace trial and a discount on your order of a site or domain.

Speaker 29 Because why not turn your cool idea into a beautiful website? Those righteous URLs, once again, squarespace.com/slash six, offer code six, and the rebellion.space.

Speaker 29 Oh, baby, in the words of my favorite musician, Jordan Bakorkin, we're flying.

Speaker 23 Clark Turnergast, signing off!

Speaker 9 All right, now, Gavin, I'm gonna I'm gonna entrust you with this gem.

Speaker 2 This is what we have to deliver to

Speaker 9 the representative of this continent.

Speaker 11 Alright, I guess I'll put it in this fanny pack.

Speaker 9 Perfect. That's actually ideal.

Speaker 9 Is that a rebellion-issued fanny pack?

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 11 But I also got one for the Federated Alliance. I got it in a thrift shop.

Speaker 37 Okay, yeah, that's fine.

Speaker 11 I spent a lot of time there, like, I'm just looking for stuff. Like, a lot of times I like shirts that have, like, designs from things, like, before I was even born.
I don't even know what they mean.

Speaker 37 Oh, well.

Speaker 9 You know, Kevin, you seem like a sensitive kid, you know?

Speaker 24 No, I'm tough.

Speaker 9 You have two fanny packs and a vintage t-shirt on.

Speaker 38 Yeah,

Speaker 4 right.

Speaker 9 Why are you staring off into the distance right now?

Speaker 11 I'm just thinking about a poem.

Speaker 4 Okay, wow.

Speaker 9 Kevin, you know, I think that this is the right work for you, you know. You're out here, you're having an adventure.

Speaker 9 This is a great way to connect with yourself, you know, and figure out who you really are.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 11 Mr. Deck Setter?

Speaker 9 Um, you don't have to just call me Pleck. That's fine.

Speaker 11 Pleck, can I ask you a question? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like

Speaker 11 how did you become an adult?

Speaker 6 Uh

Speaker 11 like what happened between when you were young and now?

Speaker 9 Wow, you know, that is a really interesting question, Kevin. I continued to be

Speaker 9 the same, and then it used to be people are like, you're a kid, and now people are like, I can't believe you're acting like that as an adult. That's sort of what happened.

Speaker 9 It's just sort of people started judging me differently.

Speaker 24 Oh, Rod.

Speaker 4 Oh, no. Did I?

Speaker 9 I probably upset you with that, didn't I?

Speaker 2 Adults don't know anything more than I do.

Speaker 9 Uh, yeah, no, that's actually super true, especially in my case. So, yeah, if you think suddenly like a switch is gonna flip and you're gonna be like, you got it all figured out, wow, watch out.

Speaker 1 Uh,

Speaker 4 oh, uh, yes,

Speaker 1 I am the

Speaker 39 representative of continent

Speaker 6 number one. Oh,

Speaker 33 how convenient.

Speaker 9 Great.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 9 You just always stand here at the border.

Speaker 28 I am the representative of continent number one.

Speaker 9 Great. Yeah, good.
That makes our job super easy.

Speaker 28 Looks like I have two children in front of me.

Speaker 4 Oh, well, I'm actually.

Speaker 11 I'm not a kid.

Speaker 28 I think I have two children in front of me.

Speaker 9 Well, you got one, you know, technically a child and a technically adult.

Speaker 4 You're both children.

Speaker 40 You acting like a child and you

Speaker 28 a child.

Speaker 6 You are very much a child.

Speaker 10 Mr.

Speaker 11 Dexetter, is it possible that this creature's language only has about seven words in it?

Speaker 9 It seems like what it's maybe.

Speaker 1 Two children, continent number one.

Speaker 11 Like, at first, I thought he was coming at us pretty hard, but I think

Speaker 9 he's...

Speaker 4 Continent two, children one.

Speaker 17 Oh, is this a sc is that the score?

Speaker 4 What are you...

Speaker 17 What is happening?

Speaker 11 I think maybe do we just like walk past it?

Speaker 4 I don't know if this is actually the

Speaker 4 continent two children.

Speaker 28 One One continent, two children.

Speaker 38 Oh, man.

Speaker 2 Children? One.

Speaker 1 Continent.

Speaker 28 Children, two.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 33 You just communicated with that guy.

Speaker 9 I had no idea what he was saying.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what I said either.

Speaker 6 Oh, man.

Speaker 9 Gavin, see, this is what I'm talking about. I think you really navigated that well.

Speaker 2 You fake it till you make it.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah, good, good.

Speaker 41 Hi, did you guys just pass the... the sentry there?

Speaker 4 Yeah, we were...

Speaker 9 It took us a second.

Speaker 41 Only speak seven words? Yeah, yeah. A lot about children and continents.

Speaker 4 Is it always the same?

Speaker 33 It's always the same.

Speaker 9 You know, I gotta say, I don't know how often this happens, but we really thought he was talking about the two of us specifically.

Speaker 11 For a second, it was really bracing.

Speaker 4 Great.

Speaker 41 You guys make a great team. Are you both emissaries or?

Speaker 9 Well, I'm Emissary Plug Dexter. This is Gavin Boo Boo.
He's Emissary in Training. I guess you might say.

Speaker 17 Maybe someday.

Speaker 41 Well, young Tellurian, you seem less like an emissary in training and more like a real emissary today.

Speaker 33 Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 41 Just put the crystal right there. That'll power the rest of the continent for the next few cycles.

Speaker 2 Really? Wow.

Speaker 37 Let me unzip my fanny pack.

Speaker 1 There we go. Great.

Speaker 41 Very practical.

Speaker 20 Very cool.

Speaker 43 Thanks.

Speaker 4 Alright.

Speaker 2 I'm getting a lot of validation from adults. Uh, yeah.

Speaker 9 Yeah, well, uh, is there anybody we need to fight or any kind of uh...

Speaker 41 Well, you got past the century. Uh.
Did you learn a lesson? Kind of.

Speaker 11 I think I learned that you shouldn't be scared of what people say to you because you just are you inside, no matter what.

Speaker 9 Man, you got all of that?

Speaker 41 Yeah. Did you not get a lesson at all?

Speaker 9 No, I just was just sort of.

Speaker 11 Pluck, you didn't get anything.

Speaker 1 No, I just really didn't get anything.

Speaker 41 The young one really seemed to come into his own in this mission.

Speaker 33 Man, yeah.

Speaker 41 And he just nothing.

Speaker 9 Yeah, no, nothing. I don't know.

Speaker 41 Well, you seem like a jacket idiot to me.

Speaker 4 Oh, that seems rude.

Speaker 9 Hey, kid.

Speaker 41 Yeah. You got a future.

Speaker 37 Huh. Thanks.

Speaker 9 I don't know if I like this very much.

Speaker 41 Well, I mean, it's what's happening, so.

Speaker 5 I don't know more exciting, and I just feel like I could be doing any of this at home, like, in my brain.

Speaker 45 Well, you can't deliver a crystal in your brain.

Speaker 36 You sound like a white noise machine.

Speaker 24 I hate you.

Speaker 40 ARFIN3.

Speaker 45 A lot of aggression, right?

Speaker 6 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 26 Well, I'm getting a lot of aggression, Dad.

Speaker 40 Well, that's what I'm getting it, and I'm not your father.

Speaker 46 Yeah, we'll see.

Speaker 6 We'll see.

Speaker 38 I'm gonna make you my father. I mean, that would be a surprise for me.

Speaker 5 By assuring you're gonna be my dad, Dad.

Speaker 40 Alpine, if that's what you really want, we can.

Speaker 6 I don't know what I want.

Speaker 43 Okay, that.

Speaker 40 Now that sounds right.

Speaker 26 I mean, I guess if I'm being honest with myself, I want you to listen to my poetry.

Speaker 43 I'm fine.

Speaker 40 I would love to listen to your poetry.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 19 Keepers, a proper cup of coffee in a copper coffee pot. Okay.

Speaker 6 Was that all?

Speaker 43 Oh, sorry.

Speaker 24 What the junk

Speaker 36 just sounded like.

Speaker 5 Are you gonna listen?

Speaker 6 What you were doing sounded like a poem, and I was about to go. No, it's a vocal warm-up.

Speaker 24 Okay.

Speaker 5 Okay, here we go.

Speaker 38 I'm ready.

Speaker 46 Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather.

Speaker 38 Now that one was

Speaker 6 come on.

Speaker 44 It's hard to know.

Speaker 6 Metal poetry begins it.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 26 Metal.

Speaker 43 Clang.

Speaker 38 Where does it ladder?

Speaker 35 I was in the middle of poetry.

Speaker 40 Yeah, we were sort of having a moment, so if you could excuse us for just a moment.

Speaker 35 Me and my daddy were having a moment.

Speaker 47 Okay, well, uh, I'm just, I'll be here.

Speaker 26 Dad, did you ever write poetry?

Speaker 43 Me?

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 46 My daddy till six lines.

Speaker 40 I can try.

Speaker 44 I haven't used the subroutine in many years, so

Speaker 43 um.

Speaker 43 Oh, warm up. Yep, no.
Um,

Speaker 45 toy boy, toy boy, toy boy, toy boy.

Speaker 26 Toy boy.

Speaker 12 Ilamo, did you get the crystal yet? Everyone below is about to die.

Speaker 43 Maybe we should.

Speaker 47 Yep, my whole continent is moments from death. We've been waiting for a crystal.
Thank you.

Speaker 43 Okay, all right. Uh, well, uh Alpa, do you do you have the crystal?

Speaker 26 Do you have nightmares?

Speaker 46 I have nightmares.

Speaker 6 I would say are George supposed to have nightmares?

Speaker 45 I think no.

Speaker 46 I'm sorry. That's okay.

Speaker 45 That's what we're gonna have. Here, come here.

Speaker 6 What was my mic?

Speaker 40 Alpa, I know we're getting pretty deep into this fiction that I'm your father, but I don't think I'm actually.

Speaker 40 I mean, I assume you, like me, rolled off an assembly line. I'm from the Ronka Cybernetics Corporation.

Speaker 46 I'm from the Rocket Cybernetics Corporation.

Speaker 47 And I'm from Planet Continent Number Two.

Speaker 6 Oh, right.

Speaker 40 Alpine, do you have that crystal?

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 46 Here, it's in my second mouth.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 36 Will this do? Is this what you're? Yeah, okay.

Speaker 47 Thank you.

Speaker 43 Okay. Sorry, you didn't.

Speaker 47 No, it's fine. It's just you came right up to me and you just were four inches away from me having a conversation.

Speaker 40 Have you ever dealt with an at-risk team?

Speaker 47 Yes. Yeah, we just ship them off.

Speaker 43 Oh, see, that's very different than what we do.

Speaker 16 So, veteran missions operations manager, um, Valm.

Speaker 10 Sunblight us.

Speaker 18 I'm so sorry. It's all right.

Speaker 16 I'm just nervous because I honestly, like, I don't meet a lot of veteran missions operations managers, and I just want to climb up on this rock to shake your hand.

Speaker 39 Oh, well, it would be my pleasure to shake your hand.

Speaker 10 Oh, wow.

Speaker 39 Nermit, was it?

Speaker 16 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a

Speaker 16 missions operations manager.

Speaker 39 Nermit, what do you say for the rest rest of this mission? You ride on my shoulder.

Speaker 16 Oh my gosh, honestly, I was gonna ask, and I thought he'll never say yes.

Speaker 39 Oh no, please jump aboard.

Speaker 45 Wow.

Speaker 39 Before you came over just now, I was telling Dar about my days in the monarchy and the sort of truly depraved orgies we would have back then.

Speaker 21 I really felt we were getting close to something until you joined us, Nermit.

Speaker 4 So, Crystal?

Speaker 39 Yes, it's only about 40 clicks from here. We should be there in no time.
But Dar,

Speaker 39 you have never engaged in an orgy before?

Speaker 21 Um, I have never indulged in such a small, intimate orgy as you have.

Speaker 39 There is something about a double-digit orgy that is just so intimate and life-affirming that I can't really describe it other than to say, I don't care who lives under the thumb of such an oppressive ruler.

Speaker 39 All I know is my needs are being met in every possible way I could imagine, and some I couldn't even conceive before.

Speaker 16 But those clicks aren't gonna click themselves, right, guys? We should, we're not, we're just standing here.

Speaker 22 No, man, so let's just go for it.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah.

Speaker 33 Hey guys, guys. Hi.

Speaker 4 Welcome to continent number three. Oh, man.
It's great to see you guys. We're just a couple of...

Speaker 4 We're just a couple. We're just a couple of

Speaker 4 people. In love.
In love and into it, and just making it work and trying to power this continent.

Speaker 16 That's crazy, because we're sort of a couple, and then this is...

Speaker 33 You are, you're a couple.

Speaker 4 Well, there are three of you, so that's not by definition not a couple.

Speaker 17 Exactly.

Speaker 21 None of us three are a couple.

Speaker 39 Yes, that is correct. We are an envoy of the rebellion, and it is our pleasure to give you this crystal today.

Speaker 1 Incredible. Thank you.

Speaker 39 Do you have anything to give us?

Speaker 4 Just some advice about love. Oh, we do have a little bit of advice.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Great.
Just a little.

Speaker 21 Maybe Nermit could stay here and hear that advice.

Speaker 10 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 21 I would really like to just, you know, pick your brain

Speaker 21 just over here privately.

Speaker 39 Oh, behind the big rock?

Speaker 4 Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 16 Dar, I'm going to take great notes about all of this love advice because I know we're having like a moment right now where it's there's some tension, but I'm just gonna take it all in.

Speaker 3 It's gonna work for us.

Speaker 39 Okay, let me take you off my shoulder here.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Yep.

Speaker 4 Great. So they're going behind the ass eating rock.

Speaker 4 And while they do that, we'll just give you a few quick

Speaker 2 explainers

Speaker 4 about how just gosh, how to make it work.

Speaker 2 You can.

Speaker 4 We're very big influencers here on the continent. And one lesson I think we know is just listen.

Speaker 2 Just listen.

Speaker 10 Okay.

Speaker 2 Just listen.

Speaker 16 Is the ass-eating rock what it sounds like?

Speaker 14 Bino want to hear the story of Bino.

Speaker 25 I'll tell you the story of Bargie.

Speaker 25 He said, Bargie, I'm calling you Bargeria Jade, and you've got to become the most famous ship in all the land. And I said, who are you? You're a creepy person.

Speaker 25 But I went with him into a dark other second location. And you know what he said to me? Bino now.

Speaker 25 He said, sign this contract, and I couldn't read, so I was like, I'll go for it, even though every instinct inside my body said, Don't trust a man who just picked you out of this bar in space.

Speaker 25 Yes, I was in a bar when I was underage, but I had nobody telling me what to do. You know what I mean?

Speaker 25 I was an independent ship since day one, so I went to him to another location, and I met some more men. You know what they said?

Speaker 25 They said, Baji, we're gonna put you in the movies, and they did. And I went all the way to the top, and then you know what they said? Be no.
They said you were too old.

Speaker 25 So, that's all we are now.

Speaker 14 Beanu Hungi.

Speaker 9 You know, Gavin, I know you're feeling pretty good about this mission.

Speaker 11 Nice job, but

Speaker 33 I gotta say, I feel a little bit distressed.

Speaker 24 What's wrong, Pleck?

Speaker 1 I know. I don't can I help?

Speaker 9 I know, I appreciate that, but I just feel like I

Speaker 9 kind of took what that sentry said to heart, and even though I know it was just an automaton that only knows seven words, I

Speaker 9 really started to think, you know, what...

Speaker 17 what makes me an adult and not a child?

Speaker 4 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Well, you know what, Pleck, I feel like I've done a lot of growing up in the last 15 minutes.

Speaker 17 Yeah, I think you're taller than you were before.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and you know what?

Speaker 20 I think I have a goatee now.

Speaker 24 Oh, how is that possible? But you know what, Pleck, if I've learned anything, it's that.

Speaker 11 If you see yourself as a boy, you're always gonna be a boy. It's like you're giving yourself permission not to be an adult.
Yeah.

Speaker 9 I think you're right.

Speaker 24 Thank you.

Speaker 18 Yeah. Here, hold my top hat.
Okay.

Speaker 37 Here, take my fanny pack.

Speaker 9 Okay, yeah, sure. I'm just gonna, just so I can hold your fanny pack, I'm gonna put this top hat on so I have a free hand to hold your fanny pack.

Speaker 37 Yeah, and here's here's my eye patch. Oh, okay.

Speaker 9 Uh, you know what, actually, to hold the eye patch, I'm gonna put this fanny pack on.

Speaker 37 Here's my other fanny pack.

Speaker 9 Okay, I'm gonna put on the eye patch to uh, just out of hand, so I gotta put

Speaker 1 okay, all right.

Speaker 4 Okay, he's pointing right at me.

Speaker 4 That's

Speaker 9 I feel like I'm taking a step backwards, Gavin.

Speaker 24 I gotta say, look, it's all right, Pleck.

Speaker 2 It's like a horoscope.

Speaker 11 You can look into it and think that it's talking about you.

Speaker 4 Yeah, you're right. You're right.
Pleck Dex.

Speaker 4 That doesn't seem right.

Speaker 43 I'll pin.

Speaker 6 I was very affected by your poem.

Speaker 5 Darren.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 40 The part where you said

Speaker 43 metal clown.

Speaker 26 You were really listening.

Speaker 6 I mean, you were really listening to me.

Speaker 45 That's true.

Speaker 43 Metal does clang.

Speaker 5 I feel heard.

Speaker 38 I'm glad to hear it.

Speaker 6 I'm glad it happened. And I know you're not my real dad.

Speaker 35 Like, I know that, but it just feels good to say those words sometimes and to have a presence that you know is accepting.

Speaker 40 I understand.

Speaker 46 I don't want to be like this.

Speaker 10 No. I feel like I got bees inside me.

Speaker 36 Do you have bees inside you, Miss Dad?

Speaker 22 Yeah,

Speaker 46 I found a hive and put it inside one of my mouths.

Speaker 44 I know that's a cool thing with young droids these days, but maybe it's time to let that hive go.

Speaker 46 Yeah,

Speaker 6 I'll let it go. Okay.

Speaker 4 Bye, bees.

Speaker 38 Goodbye, bees.

Speaker 5 Bye, bees.

Speaker 38 Why are they saying bye bees?

Speaker 38 Why are the bees saying bye bye? Bye, bees, though.

Speaker 22 Bye, guys. bye gay.

Speaker 45 Maybe.

Speaker 6 Oh, that's nice. Well, that's good.

Speaker 10 That was beautiful. I won't forget camp.

Speaker 45 No, no one should forget camp.

Speaker 5 I don't.

Speaker 35 I feel weird that I'm so emotional all the time and you.

Speaker 5 It feels like you got it figured out.

Speaker 40 I know it might seem that way.

Speaker 44 Oh, bye, but to be honest, I'm just as emotional as you.

Speaker 40 Yeah? I just maybe have a little more experience dealing with those emotions.

Speaker 35 So, you're saying I should temper and hide my emotions, let them build up inside me like a like a hive of bees that's not there, a metaphorical hive of bees?

Speaker 45 Well, Alpine, um, some droids are fitted with a restraining bolt, and then their emotions leave the house.

Speaker 44 No, they can leave the house, but they can never express their emotions.

Speaker 40 The bolt prevents them from feeling anything.

Speaker 35 I'll eat your ass. Give it to me.

Speaker 6 I don't have one to give you, but

Speaker 44 I'm here to tell you that a restrained bolt is not a good idea.

Speaker 40 It's very uncomfortable to live a life where you can't express what you actually feel.

Speaker 43 Hey, can you guys move?

Speaker 47 I have to leave for lunch, and I just can't move because you're you guys are just four inches.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I'm just so bad about that.

Speaker 19 Yeah.

Speaker 36 And then we released a cloud of

Speaker 36 water.

Speaker 38 That was great.

Speaker 41 Yeah, I'm just doing a very low pitch.

Speaker 47 They were very nice, but they still stun.

Speaker 4 One of the big things is just, you know,

Speaker 4 have fun. Have fun.
I just have so much fun. Yeah.

Speaker 36 Second, just be honest.

Speaker 42 You know, say whatever you want to say and just say it because life is too short.

Speaker 4 Have fun. Have fun.

Speaker 33 Have fun and say it.

Speaker 4 Did we say be honest?

Speaker 37 Be honest.

Speaker 16 Got that one.

Speaker 42 The thing you need to do is have fun.

Speaker 18 Okay, that was the first part.

Speaker 4 Part of it is just having fun with it.

Speaker 4 Being honest.

Speaker 16 Have fun and being honest. Got those two.

Speaker 4 Oh.

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 16 I just didn't. I didn't hit save, but luckily it was really a small amount of advice.

Speaker 21 Okay,

Speaker 21 so we're done talking.

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 22 We are all set.

Speaker 21 Are we good to go?

Speaker 4 We've got the crystal.

Speaker 37 And we're having fun. fun.

Speaker 43 Just being honest.

Speaker 31 Wonderful.

Speaker 16 Well, it's the same number of clicks back to the ship.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 39 Let us be on our way.

Speaker 21 Let us be on our way.

Speaker 39 Dar, I just wanted to say that I had the most magnificent time with you.

Speaker 16 I'm sorry. No, just you guys had so much fun talking.

Speaker 39 Nermit, I truly value honesty, so I'm afraid I must tell you that Dar and I behind that rock, we did many despicable, unspeakable acts to one another, the likes of which I haven't felt in ten or fifteen years.

Speaker 39 Oh, how I wish I could go back to those days, and now I have just a little bit by sharing this moment of pure depravity with Dar.

Speaker 16 Well, I honestly am not having fun.

Speaker 39 I'm very sorry to hear that. You should have come behind the rock.

Speaker 28 Forget what that couple said.

Speaker 44 The lesson is: always come behind the rock.

Speaker 39 I did.

Speaker 3 Got it.

Speaker 6 I did. I came behind the rock.

Speaker 42 And I'm coming in the sky, so come on, who's coming up?

Speaker 9 Well, guys, you know, I feel like we all learned a lot of lessons today.

Speaker 9 And, you know, sometimes in the opposite direction that we thought.

Speaker 9 Okay, great, cool. Well, first of all, I learned that, you know, growing up is not as simple as getting older.
Gavin learned the same thing, but in a positive way.

Speaker 9 And C53,

Speaker 9 what did you and AR-33 learn?

Speaker 13 Well, I think we learned a lot about sharing emotions and how repressing them can be bad. Yeah.

Speaker 9 Hey, AR-33, can I ask you a question?

Speaker 10 Where are you?

Speaker 19 Yeah, and thank you for calling me AR-33.

Speaker 26 That's my given name.

Speaker 7 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 15 Cool, great.

Speaker 26 What was your question?

Speaker 8 wa-uh, are you um

Speaker 9 that happens to me all the time?

Speaker 10 I recognize that and I respect that.

Speaker 10 Just because my dad could kill your dad doesn't mean that wait, who?

Speaker 26 We're both not suppressing emotions at all times.

Speaker 13 Thinks of me as his dad.

Speaker 7 Why? I don't get it.

Speaker 10 Doesn't matter.

Speaker 11 Well, if it helps, you could call me dad.

Speaker 10 uh

Speaker 9 yeah, I mean I do feel like I kind of look up to you that was a I mean you really killed that mission Gavin

Speaker 29 These are several of the warning signs that I mentioned before

Speaker 6 I just feel yeah well you know

Speaker 10 I gotta say that mission

Speaker 9 that mission made me a little bit angsty I feel like I you know, I kind of doubted myself. I didn't feel very good about it.
And then this eye patch really kind of, you know,

Speaker 9 it really reflects who I am now.

Speaker 9 Also, it's covering up the eye that the keck laid an egg in.

Speaker 13 It's actually not covering up that eye.

Speaker 10 Yeah, she's

Speaker 9 sitting on top of it.

Speaker 27 Emissary, since you are not a teen, I cannot force you into the scared straight program. But I can offer you to join voluntarily, or I can

Speaker 27 join you in your quarters and have a private talk.

Speaker 21 Yeah, Plague, if I could give you a bit of advice,

Speaker 21 say yes.

Speaker 15 Alright, uh,

Speaker 25 all right, everyone, be quiet. Figure it out.
I got the rest of the speech.

Speaker 25 Alright, you ready to get scared straight?

Speaker 7 I think I am, yeah.

Speaker 32 Hey,

Speaker 25 you might think this place is bad, but look outside, it's worse.

Speaker 25 Why don't you go down

Speaker 25 and there's a discount on oh, it was a commercial? Oh, it was a commercial.

Speaker 21 It was, but it was scared straight to the the store to go shopping.

Speaker 26 It still speaks fine.

Speaker 22 Still very effective. Oh,

Speaker 27 I'm getting a message.

Speaker 27 I'm sorry, we have to leave now. We have a new mission.
We have been tasked with getting a group of bees back together who spent one wonderful summer together.

Speaker 27 Well, I hope you boys learned a lesson today.

Speaker 26 I did.

Speaker 6 You hope us men learned a lesson?

Speaker 27 Well, you're still a few months away from that, AR-33.

Speaker 27 I want you to come with me.

Speaker 34 We have more missions to accomplish.

Speaker 23 To bring back the monarchy.

Speaker 11 Then now that I'm an adult man, I'm more effective than ever.

Speaker 22 Excellent.

Speaker 6 And then I made the the other Jordan Door think he was my dad.

Speaker 27 Yes, I'm so proud of you, my two natural-born sons.

Speaker 31 This is Sea Red IT5, credits and attributions droid commencing outro protocol. Emissary Pleck, etc.
was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Benn.

Speaker 31 Security Officer Dar was played by Ali Kokesh. Bargie the Ship and Continents 2 and 3 representatives were played by Mujan Zolfagari.

Speaker 31 Bino, the Insulting Sentinel, and Continent 1 and 3 representatives were played by Winston Knoll. Missions Operations Manager Never Bundaloy was played by Seth Lind.

Speaker 31 This episode features special guests, Arnie Nikam, Adel Rafai, and Matt Young, who co-host the hilarious improvised fantasy podcast, Hello from the Magic Tavern. Subscribe now!

Speaker 31 Veteran Missions Operations Manager Foam Sunblider was played by Matt Young. Matt leads the crew of the USS Sisyphus as Captain Baxter in the Improvised Star Trek podcast.

Speaker 31 And he's one of the co-creators and talents behind the podcast news magazine parody, The Pro. He's also a proud member of the world-renowned Improvised Shakespeare Company.

Speaker 31 You can follow him on Twitter at More People Happy or his magical ultra-ego at Isador the Blue. Gavin Boo-Boo was played by Arnie Meekamp.

Speaker 31 Arnie has designed and directed games like Druffle and Trivia Murder Party for Jackbox Games.

Speaker 31 He's currently working on a new You Don't Know Jack game, which will be out this fall in the Jackbox Party Pack 5. Follow him on Twitter at Mr.
Arnie. AR33 was played by Adol Rafai.

Speaker 31 Adol co-hosts the brand new puzzle podcast, Hey Riddle Riddle, and plays Adam on the podcast Siblings Peculaire. You can find him on Twitter at AdolRafi.

Speaker 31 This episode edited by Seth Lynde with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Speaker 31 Recorded at Robert Doggy Jr.'s Puppy Pound in Brooklyn, Gravie Studios in Chicago, and Forever Dog Studios in Los Angeles. Music by Brendan Ryan.
Opening Call Narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Speaker 31 Ship design for the Bargarian Jade by Eric Goyce. Mission2Z is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom.
Thanks, Audioboom.

Speaker 31 And a very special thank you to our Patreon supporters for making season two possible. Join them and get exclusive perks at patreon.com/slash mission to zix.

Speaker 39 I'm sorry, we have to leave now. We have a new mission.
We have been tasked with getting a group of bees back together who spent one wonderful summer together.

Speaker 11 And I just got two brain jacks back from the girl that I sent my finger jacks to.

Speaker 9 Hey, congratulations!

Speaker 16 And I actually don't have to be anywhere, so I'll stay on the ship and I'll definitely be on the next episode.

Speaker 9 AR33, I'm so glad you're a member member of the crew now.

Speaker 4 It's Canon.

Speaker 33 You may not always hear me, but I'm always here.

Speaker 20 We love it.