211: Shmorby and the Beast [ft. Bobby Moynihan]

Speaker 1 It is a period of civil war.

Speaker 1 The rebellion against the sinister and corrupt Federated alliance grows stronger, and the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance.

Speaker 1 Now, rebel emissary Pleck Dexeta and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

Speaker 4 This

Speaker 4 is mission to zoom

Speaker 5 You know, I gotta say,

Speaker 8 I haven't read until the

Speaker 8 book club meeting tonight, but I really enjoyed it.

Speaker 2 I loved it.

Speaker 11 I just can't stop thinking about it.

Speaker 12 Yeah, me as well.

Speaker 13 When did you guys find time to read it? I just got started.

Speaker 14 I couldn't put it down.

Speaker 11 I read it all in one go.

Speaker 9 I did as well, but reading is a little different for droids.

Speaker 13 No, I guess that's true.

Speaker 17 Where I was

Speaker 18 You read it to yourself?

Speaker 17 Yeah, I was the audiobook voice. Oh.

Speaker 2 Yeah, cool.

Speaker 11 Pleck, if you haven't read the book, how do you plan to read it by tonight?

Speaker 19 I just figure, you know, like.

Speaker 8 Are you thinking just because it's a YA novel, you'll be able to read it quickly?

Speaker 2 Well, yeah.

Speaker 11 Excuse me, a YA book

Speaker 11 instructs AIs how to show and feel compassion.

Speaker 20 Uh-huh.

Speaker 13 Okay, I just don't have a lot of time these days.

Speaker 19 If you must know, I have been meditating on my place in the space.

Speaker 17 And we have a clip of how that sounds.

Speaker 8 Yep, that was it.

Speaker 18 That's not always the sound it makes.

Speaker 15 You could have been much further into this book if you had not wasted your time meditating on the space.

Speaker 13 Listen, I guys, I kind of feel like I'm starting to

Speaker 24 feel something.

Speaker 2 Ow!

Speaker 12 Why, you just poked me right in the eye!

Speaker 9 Did you see that coming at all?

Speaker 18 I would have if I had been focusing.

Speaker 8 I don't know if I bet one.

Speaker 8 Alright.

Speaker 25 Well, anyway, I haven't read the book.

Speaker 7 Well, you really must.

Speaker 9 It's exceptional.

Speaker 11 It's a must-read. Alright, alright.

Speaker 19 I'll read it on the way to our next mission.

Speaker 9 Emissary Dexter, I have an incoming transmission from Missions Operations Manager, Nermit Bungalore.

Speaker 26 Hey, guys.

Speaker 19 Hey, Nerman, what's up, man?

Speaker 26 Ah, you know.

Speaker 27 Did you read the book?

Speaker 20 What? Did you read the book?

Speaker 20 What?

Speaker 2 The book club book.

Speaker 3 Uh.

Speaker 3 What do you mean?

Speaker 5 Oh, boy.

Speaker 12 Oh, man. We really.

Speaker 11 This is supposed to be a book club for only people who are on the Bargerian Jade.

Speaker 24 Yeah, it's sort of a BJ book club.

Speaker 28 I mean, I'd like to petition to join the BJBC.

Speaker 9 Well, then we'd have to change the name.

Speaker 9 I feel like I'm a book.

Speaker 11 We'd have to wait for you to read the book.

Speaker 29 Nermit. Yeah.

Speaker 13 Do we have a mission?

Speaker 28 Yes, we have a mission. So, this is cool.
We are going into a, I guess, open arms type situation. You know, we're going to a place where the what?

Speaker 27 Yeah, no, that's good.

Speaker 30 What does that mean?

Speaker 28 Well, it just means that, you know, when there's a planet that is so against the Federated Alliance, you can know that they're just going to have basically the rebellion flag already flying when you land.

Speaker 28 So it's going to be cool. It's called uh flurp.

Speaker 31 flirt flirp, oh no,

Speaker 8 wait, that no, we can't go back there.

Speaker 13 Yeah, no, I don't think I thought that sounded familiar when I actually I think we've actually been there.

Speaker 21 That place

Speaker 11 that place hates us, yeah, that oh no, but they hated the alliance.

Speaker 28 That was when you that's back when you were using cue cards.

Speaker 11 Oh, so you're responsible for them hating the alliance, though.

Speaker 9 Yeah, they may also hate us personally.

Speaker 28 I mean, they

Speaker 8 I can imagine.

Speaker 13 Okay, listen, Norman, what's the plan exactly?

Speaker 28 Like so, you're just gonna to go in and you're going to establish relations on behalf of the rebellion as an emissary.

Speaker 25 No, I know that.

Speaker 24 Sure, sure.

Speaker 9 So yeah, I think that this is.

Speaker 18 We sort of murdered the leader's daughter, if you remember correctly.

Speaker 11 Is no one angry about that?

Speaker 28 I mean, I think as far as they know, like, the Grand Coola's daughter got to meet Bargie, her hero. Yeah, I am.

Speaker 17 I have only good memories about that meeting.

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 9 She also was released into the vacuum Springs.

Speaker 17 You know, that's the decision. Everyone makes their own decisions alike.
What am I going to do? Stop them? Come on. We're free.
We're free.

Speaker 27 Nerman.

Speaker 18 Sorry, just to clarify,

Speaker 13 do they know that we're coming?

Speaker 34 Like, I don't want to surprise these guys.

Speaker 25 There's sort of this, I would say, like maybe a war-like culture.

Speaker 9 I don't think you need the word like.

Speaker 33 Yeah, oh, sir, a war culture.

Speaker 28 Yeah, no, they know that there's a scheduled meeting with representatives of the rebellion.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 11 I don't know which representatives.

Speaker 28 They thought it was best to just have it be kind of general.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 6 Alright, well, you know.

Speaker 13 Well, you know, I think it's worth mentioning.

Speaker 19 I think the space is going to look out for us on this one.

Speaker 12 Right?

Speaker 11 Well, if you want your little wooden toy, you're going to have to ask Bino for it back.

Speaker 13 Why does Bino have my woodsaber?

Speaker 11 We gave it to him.

Speaker 19 Bino?

Speaker 35 Bino loves woodsaber.

Speaker 28 Is it in his mouth?

Speaker 30 No, stop.

Speaker 30 He's teething.

Speaker 11 Bino, what else were we supposed to give him? Bino.

Speaker 18 That's an elegant weapon, Bino.

Speaker 32 Drop it.

Speaker 28 That's an overstatement, but still.

Speaker 35 Bino loves elegance. Bino loves luxury.

Speaker 22 Beano loves elegance.

Speaker 13 Bino, just get.

Speaker 5 All right.

Speaker 18 All right, Nermit. I got my woodsaber.
Let's go.

Speaker 28 Great. Good luck, everybody.

Speaker 28 Rebel emissaries

Speaker 23 Plaque Dexetter.

Speaker 37 Oh, hey, I was sort of hoping you might meet again.

Speaker 6 Yep, hey.

Speaker 39 Challenge him to one-on-one physical battles.

Speaker 23 Yes.

Speaker 23 Listen, as you know, I am the cooler of this planet.

Speaker 41 Yeah, yeah, it's the that's a war chieftain.

Speaker 42 That's right. Hey,

Speaker 41 so I just wanted to let you know, listen, I feel we all feel pretty bad, and I just wanted you to know that.

Speaker 23 No, no, no.

Speaker 23 No,

Speaker 4 listen, uh,

Speaker 23 I have a special

Speaker 23 all right, okay, okay, okay, I think we've grunted enough.

Speaker 42 Everyone get their grunts in that time?

Speaker 42 Alright.

Speaker 36 I have a special punishment for you, Dexeta,

Speaker 23 and your crew.

Speaker 23 Okay.

Speaker 7 I will throw you.

Speaker 7 All of you have

Speaker 42 crossed the cooler.

Speaker 11 But, you know, he shot me the last time we were on this planet, so I feel like I've been punished enough.

Speaker 23 I'll feed you to a beast.

Speaker 47 Infamous on flur.

Speaker 44 Uh

Speaker 46 okay.

Speaker 23 The zellna

Speaker 37 I'm sorry, wait, hold on, hold on, I'm sorry, hold on. What did you what is it called?

Speaker 44 The Zellna

Speaker 23 sorry,

Speaker 49 every time you you say the name and then the growling starts, can you just say what the name of it is again?

Speaker 36 I do okay

Speaker 23 the zenith.

Speaker 7 I can't look at it.

Speaker 42 Just right on this one, guys. I need you to dial it down.
Just like two ticks.

Speaker 36 I need to get the name out.

Speaker 36 I'll throw you to the dreaded Zellnas.

Speaker 49 Zellnaz?

Speaker 37 Okay, okay, just making sure.

Speaker 6 A beast whose fit.

Speaker 36 No, guys.

Speaker 42 Sorry, it's my first time.

Speaker 36 No, I know, I know.

Speaker 47 Whose ferocity is beyond measure?

Speaker 42 Okay, yeah, sure.

Speaker 41 Uh, what if I challenge you to one-on-one combat, though?

Speaker 37 Would that be

Speaker 36 bad?

Speaker 42 Time has passed. Too late.

Speaker 36 Throw them to the zeal now.

Speaker 3 What was that?

Speaker 27 C-53, what do you know about fighting these guys?

Speaker 7 It's a bad idea.

Speaker 6 Okay, yep, sure.

Speaker 53 Be careful.

Speaker 6 Uh, what what?

Speaker 54 Be careful.

Speaker 33 Oh, uh, absolutely.

Speaker 54 I was hungry.

Speaker 53 Okay,

Speaker 53 well, hey, Joe.

Speaker 6 Hello.

Speaker 11 Oh, wait, you, the Zelnaz, because I could easily take you in a fight.

Speaker 48 What's that supposed to mean?

Speaker 11 I mean,

Speaker 56 I mean, look at that.

Speaker 48 That's very aggressive.

Speaker 48 I could stick my piece on you immediately.

Speaker 5 Oh, so you're sort of a little bit of a skinny

Speaker 7 keeper.

Speaker 54 Yeah.

Speaker 48 It's very clear. I think

Speaker 48 there's a giant sign.

Speaker 11 Oh, I see.

Speaker 11 Oh, it's kind of like a little degree.

Speaker 48 I have a degree in Zellnhouse keeping, yes.

Speaker 11 How many years of school is that?

Speaker 48 Fifteen.

Speaker 33 Wow, that's wow.

Speaker 25 That is a long

Speaker 48 450,000 croons.

Speaker 43 Wow. Okay, well, that's not.

Speaker 11 Oh, it's one of those things.

Speaker 21 You don't have to make it about that.

Speaker 48 It is about that. I paid a great deal of money for it.

Speaker 43 Oh, that's how much you you paid?

Speaker 24 I thought that's how much you got paid in your school.

Speaker 6 I'm sorry.

Speaker 21 I thought that's how much you got paid to be a Zelnaus keeper.

Speaker 48 I wish I'd be out of debt, but no.

Speaker 6 Oh, no. So, wait.

Speaker 18 I'm sorry.

Speaker 21 I digress.

Speaker 55 That's.

Speaker 48 There's a lot of backstory. I apologize, but just be careful of my beast, because he will eat you.
And if you make fun of me or get in my way, I will stick my beast on you. Okay.
And you'll die.

Speaker 24 Really?

Speaker 5 So, is there an option where we just leave peacefully and do not interact with the Zeldas?

Speaker 48 I don't think so. I wish,

Speaker 48 but there never has been. This may be the time, but I doubt it, because already I feel like it's not going great.

Speaker 6 Yeah,

Speaker 24 so it's up to you.

Speaker 48 It's not up to me. It's up to the piece.
Nothing's up to me. The only thing I do is give him food, shelter, love.

Speaker 48 I sing.

Speaker 48 I do think.

Speaker 11 And you went to 15 years of school for that?

Speaker 54 Yeah.

Speaker 48 Does that sound so crazy?

Speaker 48 Do you know how long it takes to perfect singing?

Speaker 2 Actually, no.

Speaker 33 Yeah, I'm dead.

Speaker 56 15 years.

Speaker 20 Okay, yeah, sure.

Speaker 24 I mean, I guess that makes sense, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 48 It's a very hard job. What do you do for a living?

Speaker 12 Oh, we're emissary.

Speaker 24 We're emissaries.

Speaker 33 Oh, okay.

Speaker 48 Well, yeah, no, so you get it. Yeah, yeah.
It's hard.

Speaker 56 I mean, doing things are hard.

Speaker 55 Especially this.

Speaker 11 Sure. Could you give us a little sample of the song to the beast?

Speaker 48 It goes like this.

Speaker 46 The beast

Speaker 58 is my boy.

Speaker 58 The beast is my little boy.

Speaker 58 The beast,

Speaker 58 the beast

Speaker 53 will feast on your spine.

Speaker 29 Oh, Dart!

Speaker 34 Dar, wake up!

Speaker 48 15 years.

Speaker 48 15 years.

Speaker 31 I'm sorry, that was

Speaker 31 really good.

Speaker 55 That was very soothing.

Speaker 18 Dart fell asleep.

Speaker 11 And that was deep. I was in a deep REM cycle.

Speaker 48 Good morning. I hope you slept well because that was 15 years worth.

Speaker 59 Now do you feel a little silly? I get it.

Speaker 2 I get it.

Speaker 55 I mean, I gotta level with you. Sorry, what is your name, sir?

Speaker 43 My name? Yeah.

Speaker 48 No one's ever asked me that before. I am just the Zellnaskeeper, but my true name?

Speaker 33 Shmorby. Shorty?

Speaker 57 No, Shmorby. Oh, shh.

Speaker 33 Sorry.

Speaker 55 Shmorby,

Speaker 29 what's your relationship to the...

Speaker 21 To the monster? Like, do you...

Speaker 33 Are you guys familiar with that?

Speaker 48 Get to what you're saying. Get to what you really want to say.
Everyone, it's the first question everyone asks.

Speaker 25 No, I don't think that's...

Speaker 5 No, you...

Speaker 48 I'm a street excuse.

Speaker 48 What do you think I'm thinking of?

Speaker 38 No, I don't want to ask.

Speaker 55 I don't want to ask what you think I'm going to ask.

Speaker 48 Just do it because it's wasting time at this point.

Speaker 18 I really wanted to know, like, is the Zolmas like your friend or is it like your pet?

Speaker 48 That's really the first inquiry. I think you wanted to know if I have.

Speaker 24 If you've jucked the...

Speaker 21 If you've jucked it? Pardon me?

Speaker 18 Is that what you...

Speaker 18 Now, see, now I feel weird for asking that because you're making me feel like that's that's not what you wanted me to ask you.

Speaker 48 I didn't want you to ask me anything. I just wanted to make sure that my beast is well kept and alive.

Speaker 48 I think the problem here is you were sent down here to die by the hands of the beast that I take care of. So it's always awkward for me because, like, you seem like nice people.

Speaker 48 We're having a conversation. I've never told anybody my real name was Shmorbi before.

Speaker 38 Sure.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 48 I've never told anybody that was my name.

Speaker 42 Ever.

Speaker 48 So you guys seem great, but now I have to feed you to this beast.

Speaker 13 Yeah. Is that a contract situation?

Speaker 29 Like, what's your obligation to feed us to the beast?

Speaker 48 My obligation? It's my job. It's what I get my paycheck for.

Speaker 32 I keep this beast.

Speaker 11 I'm trying to pay off student loans right now.

Speaker 48 Yeah, I'm not killing you. The beast is.
I'm just making sure the beast is a well-oiled machine of death.

Speaker 48 I guess so. It sucks.
I don't want to do this.

Speaker 5 Are we holding up your day?

Speaker 12 Should we should we die? Would that be easier?

Speaker 54 C53.

Speaker 5 Come on, C53. I'm just trying to, you know, I feel a little bad for Schwartz.

Speaker 48 No, you're not holding up my day at all. I mean, like,

Speaker 48 every day is the same for me, but

Speaker 48 I'm just trying to explain my feelings.

Speaker 37 Well, thank you, Schmorby.

Speaker 32 I appreciate that.

Speaker 11 If you have other feelings you want to talk about with us,

Speaker 11 we can really dive deep.

Speaker 48 I feel like my feet are gigantic and I hate it.

Speaker 54 Oh, no.

Speaker 18 I actually would never have. They're big feet.

Speaker 48 When you guys came in the room, the first thing you did was look at my feet. I could see it.
I don't like that.

Speaker 54 I don't like having big feet.

Speaker 48 Listen, I mean, I can't change it.

Speaker 34 I just don't even know what your species is, so so like that might not be, it might be totally normal.

Speaker 48 Look at these things.

Speaker 48 Just look at them because they're terrible.

Speaker 59 Those are big.

Speaker 48 That's why they keep me down here in a way, I think.

Speaker 18 Oh, you think that's why you're down here?

Speaker 48 I don't know. I mean, I'm not a pretty boy up there, tripping the night fantastic in my spaceship.

Speaker 48 I'm down here,

Speaker 48 the keeper of the beast.

Speaker 5 Oh, boy, wow.

Speaker 9 What sort of people normally are down here in the pit about to die?

Speaker 48 Thieves, criminals,

Speaker 48 sure just general deadbeats.

Speaker 48 One time there was a baker.

Speaker 30 Sure, sure. Wow.

Speaker 48 I know, honey, I know, I know. So it's starving.

Speaker 11 The beast is obviously attached to this very long leash, and it's

Speaker 11 back there in that cave out of sight.

Speaker 11 When does it come?

Speaker 48 It likes to stay in the dark.

Speaker 48 It's kind of like we like to keep it in suspense so you don't see what's gonna happen because if you saw what it looked like right now, if you could actually physically see the beast's features,

Speaker 48 you might die just from seeing it. I've seen it happen.

Speaker 32 Really? Really? You saw someone else? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 54 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 61 Yeah.

Speaker 11 And that's the only exit out of this pit. I'm gonna hazard it.

Speaker 48 Oh, that and the secret back door that I have. But I mean, other than that, no, yeah, just would be death through the anus of the beast.

Speaker 54 Specifically through the anus.

Speaker 48 Yes,

Speaker 48 and then we will come out the mouth hole many days later.

Speaker 54 But hole.

Speaker 12 Also, hole, not butt.

Speaker 48 Right.

Speaker 7 You know, uh-huh.

Speaker 48 It's terrible. Yeah, it's a lot of clean, a lot of cleanup.
Yeah.

Speaker 34 I mean, knowing that information, it makes it even scarier.

Speaker 24 Because, you know, if you have to pass through the sort of the butthole on your way in.

Speaker 26 Okay.

Speaker 26 Yep.

Speaker 26 Uh-huh. Oh, I was so in here.

Speaker 26 I'm a criminal and I hate everybody in here and I want everyone to die.

Speaker 33 Nice. Okay,

Speaker 13 that seems extreme.

Speaker 62 They said something's gonna eat me.

Speaker 19 Uh, yeah, that definitely seems to be on the agenda.

Speaker 2 No, I'm not green.

Speaker 24 No, see, you shouldn't.

Speaker 8 That shouldn't that be a good idea.

Speaker 5 You will die. Where is it?

Speaker 3 I'm going to kill you.

Speaker 2 I got a little knife. Oh,

Speaker 2 get the big one.

Speaker 45 Look at that stab me with its tiny little knife.

Speaker 33 Are you okay, Dar?

Speaker 12 Oh, wow.

Speaker 48 Get you every time.

Speaker 11 Did you see the way that its anus puckered and just sucked that little criminal right up?

Speaker 33 Oh, boy.

Speaker 29 Wow, that was very quick.

Speaker 27 Is it normally that fast?

Speaker 48 Yes,

Speaker 48 especially when he's hungry.

Speaker 13 Yeah, I guess so.

Speaker 48 I've never seen him last this long

Speaker 48 without eating a creature or a droid or anything.

Speaker 21 Well, you know, Smorby, I gotta say thank you for keeping the beast at bay, I guess you could say.

Speaker 11 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're here to collect a paycheck.

Speaker 24 We get it. I get it.

Speaker 34 I get it. We're just all just doing our jobs, you know?

Speaker 48 That's it, man. Just working for the weekend, bro.

Speaker 11 Yeah. What do you do on the weekends?

Speaker 56 A lot of reading.

Speaker 32 Curl up with a good book.

Speaker 43 Really?

Speaker 31 Have you read It's the Star's Fault?

Speaker 11 We're all reading it right now as a book club.

Speaker 48 Shut

Speaker 21 up.

Speaker 21 No, you shut up.

Speaker 48 I can't. This is.

Speaker 48 I just started this past weekend.

Speaker 18 Yeah, no spoilers.

Speaker 21 We don't know.

Speaker 30 We just, we all started it, yeah.

Speaker 48 I would never know. Oh, it's such a treat.
I can't wait to talk about it if you'll have me. Oh,

Speaker 21 yeah, you should join our book club.

Speaker 48 Fantastic. I'm in.

Speaker 20 Shmarby, I gotta say, you seem like a pretty cool guy.

Speaker 43 I'm not so bad.

Speaker 29 Have you ever thought about a career change?

Speaker 34 You could come with us, like, you know, maybe become a rebel emissary, travel the galaxy.

Speaker 48 Gosh,

Speaker 48 I don't even know what to say about that. I've spent so much time down here, and once again, I spent 15 years

Speaker 48 on a prestigious, hard-to-get position.

Speaker 52 You sort of feel locked into this career.

Speaker 48 Well, I'm also ugly and have giant feet, and if I go into the sun, I'll probably die.

Speaker 48 I've been down here for so long, just with this beast, I smell terrible.

Speaker 20 But that leather vest is so cool, though.

Speaker 48 I like it. Thank you.
But I mean, would you still think it was cool if I told you I took this off a dead man not three years ago?

Speaker 31 Honestly, cooler. Yeah.

Speaker 43 Yeah.

Speaker 29 That gives you some credit, you know?

Speaker 48 I did not kill him. I found him and

Speaker 48 I just took his coat. And also, I had to sew part of his pants to the coat so it would fit.

Speaker 23 You'd have to tell me that.

Speaker 5 So this is really coat pants.

Speaker 55 Yeah, you didn't have to tell us that.

Speaker 48 This is really a leather vest, but the back is the

Speaker 20 secret is safe with us, Schmorbin.

Speaker 5 When you turn around, you can clearly see the pants.

Speaker 18 Yeah, I don't see a lot of pockets on the back of a pants.

Speaker 11 But that's resourceful.

Speaker 11 You have a skill.

Speaker 48 I don't know why I'm trying to convince you about how terrible I am. It's just so terrible.
I can't believe that I've been accepted by others.

Speaker 48 It's shocking, to be honest.

Speaker 21 I mean, well, hey, you know, listen, we're here.

Speaker 34 We're just a few emissaries in a dark pit.

Speaker 21 About to get eaten by monsters saying, you know, you're okay with us.

Speaker 48 That should be lyrics to a song, Brunt Man. I'm telling you, that was beautiful.

Speaker 59 Thanks, yeah, you know, well.

Speaker 11 Would you use it in one of your songs that you sing to the beast?

Speaker 48 Yes.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 19 Oh, what is he doing now?

Speaker 48 Right now, he's actually doing the dance of acceptance. He has taken you in, so he's at his most vulnerable.

Speaker 48 I've only seen this once before.

Speaker 33 Oh, wow, that's amazing.

Speaker 48 This is unprecedented.

Speaker 48 He's only done this with me a handful of times

Speaker 5 no that's afraid.

Speaker 57 No, I am a Zima. No, you

Speaker 48 have to stop doing that.

Speaker 26 An instrument of war.

Speaker 26 Please, take it.

Speaker 2 No, you can't do that because you have to do it.

Speaker 11 What did you do to that beast with your woodsaber?

Speaker 19 I was trying to...

Speaker 60 Why would you do that?

Speaker 19 I was trying to sort of like...

Speaker 12 Whoa!

Speaker 60 Oh, that tiny grip.

Speaker 11 Did you see how he crawled right out of his anus?

Speaker 44 What have you done?

Speaker 54 Oh, no.

Speaker 55 Oh, Shmorby, listen.

Speaker 45 Go chucking Gobby Smarby.

Speaker 32 But that's...

Speaker 45 What have you done to my beast?

Speaker 43 Listen, I apologize.

Speaker 45 No, I won't listen.

Speaker 45 Okay.

Speaker 45 I won't listen.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 5 Yeah,

Speaker 6 Justin.

Speaker 23 Don't call me Smorby, and then you called me Shmorby right after.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 2 It's so rude.

Speaker 33 You're right. You're right.

Speaker 60 You killed my best friend, and then you said something that I specifically asked.

Speaker 2 Okay, all right, sure.

Speaker 18 What should we call, like, what?

Speaker 13 Beastmaster?

Speaker 45 Beastmaster? No, I never would ask such a thing.

Speaker 45 I listen. I just want to be called the keeper of the Zellza.

Speaker 2 Yeah, sure.

Speaker 45 But I can't can't do that anymore because he exists no more.

Speaker 45 You've taken everything.

Speaker 60 You've erased 15 years

Speaker 60 and 450,000 croon.

Speaker 21 That's a lot of croon, yeah.

Speaker 48 Who's gonna pay that back now? Why? Off for not, off for nothing, because you came. Listen.
People who decided to be friends that killed my friend.

Speaker 33 You tricksters.

Speaker 60 Oh, why don't we just get another one?

Speaker 60 Why don't you get another life?

Speaker 24 I mean, that's a good question, yeah.

Speaker 11 Bull technically, C is a droid, so he's had several

Speaker 3 time for us to make it.

Speaker 31 You're right, you're right, you're right. I'm sorry.

Speaker 21 Listen,

Speaker 18 what can we do?

Speaker 21 You know, the offer still stands. You can come with us.

Speaker 29 Maybe this is a good chance for you to kind of change gears.

Speaker 60 Oh, why? Because I have nothing? Because you took it all from me, so now I should come with you?

Speaker 43 Yeah, sort of. I mean, you live in this pit.

Speaker 48 Yeah, no, that when I said it, it sounded more right than it should have.

Speaker 2 Maybe it's...

Speaker 43 Maybe it's time.

Speaker 37 Maybe it is time. Who knows, even?

Speaker 6 Oh, boy.

Speaker 40 Wow.

Speaker 18 Listen, I really.

Speaker 37 Oh, boy.

Speaker 33 That's...

Speaker 21 Listen, Schwarby,

Speaker 29 I get what it's like to lose someone you care about.

Speaker 46 You do?

Speaker 19 Cause one time.

Speaker 32 You're

Speaker 6 No, I wouldn't do that.

Speaker 60 I just you stalled for like three seconds.

Speaker 2 You would remember.

Speaker 34 I mean, no, it's just there's so many

Speaker 34 so many things that I could choose from of the

Speaker 6 okay.

Speaker 19 I, one time, um, there's this

Speaker 33 uh

Speaker 21 I'm sorry, you know what?

Speaker 3 I should actually terrible or in the stars fault.

Speaker 55 Oh, yes, yes, that's good.

Speaker 31 Cancel thinks he's lost Gretel the best part forever but then he travels to the most distant star

Speaker 30 and finds

Speaker 11 a mirror of her

Speaker 11 It's like this you're Hansel you just need to travel and find your next best Gretel

Speaker 43 you mean it yeah yeah absolutely yep

Speaker 48 they won't make fun of my feet Ah, now.

Speaker 24 Now, see, no.

Speaker 18 Listen, Shmorby,

Speaker 21 you know how to sew. You've got an expensive degree.

Speaker 44 You're a reader.

Speaker 29 You're a reader, yes.

Speaker 33 Correct. Stable.

Speaker 21 You've got low center of gravity with those feet.

Speaker 40 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 24 Boy, let's see.

Speaker 48 I know a lot about typewriters.

Speaker 37 What? Typewriters?

Speaker 48 Typewriters.

Speaker 40 Yes.

Speaker 48 Oh, sure. The ships.

Speaker 6 Are you familiar with a typewriter?

Speaker 32 No.

Speaker 52 They're very small ships.

Speaker 48 Very, very small. I know how to build them.
Okay. Paper thin.

Speaker 6 Really?

Speaker 20 Huh.

Speaker 24 What function does a typewriter serve?

Speaker 48 It's a small ship that carries letters to people from different galaxies in a quick fashion.

Speaker 32 Okay, sure.

Speaker 24 Yeah, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

Speaker 55 Oh, no, no, Shmorby.

Speaker 60 I just remembered that for a second and I saw the bodies go for him.

Speaker 21 But yeah, it's much difficult to ignore.

Speaker 18 It's sort of taking up half the cavern in here.

Speaker 60 I must take it with me.

Speaker 49 Yeah, it doesn't seem.

Speaker 32 I have to.

Speaker 60 I can't leave him behind. What kind of people would I be if I left it?

Speaker 48 So, yes, I will come with you. I will make the leap.
I will find a new life, but I also have to bring the dead body of the speech.

Speaker 21 Oh, yeah, no,

Speaker 21 I don't think we can.

Speaker 9 No, no, it's gotta be done.

Speaker 7 I have to.

Speaker 6 Yeah, oh, no, come on. Just give me a hand.

Speaker 55 Stop. That's too.

Speaker 48 All you have to do is just

Speaker 48 get right there. Yeah, you're just going to want to nuzzle up right in that tiny bit.

Speaker 12 Okay.

Speaker 6 It's not going to be a little bit more.

Speaker 37 And just give it a big old push, just like you mean it.

Speaker 48 Okay. Please just get him up

Speaker 48 on the counter floor.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 33 Mm-hmm. Okay.

Speaker 57 No.

Speaker 12 All right. Yeah, go.

Speaker 3 Thank you.

Speaker 43 Listen, Schmorby,

Speaker 38 what are we going to do with Azelna's corpse?

Speaker 48 Yeah, we're probably going to have to lose some of your stuff in order to fit.

Speaker 21 No, I don't think that's.

Speaker 34 You want us to push it through this secret back door

Speaker 48 if you can that would be great yes just try and how did how did the zelnas get in here though inside this cave well it was built around it oh that's right i built this cave around it myself sure you also know construction correct i i do i i'm a jack of all trades as they say

Speaker 48 well i mean not anywhere i mean sure i'm a pilot i'm a cook i'm a politician i'm a senator i was a mathematician for 16 years. When I was a child, I used to be a scientist.

Speaker 48 I used to do surgeries on people. I've rebuilt buildings, droids.
I created the money system for the Goltars.

Speaker 48 I've done it all, but what I'm best at is being a keeper.

Speaker 20 Yeah, I mean, but Shmorby, listen, it sounds like you've got a long galaxy as you're oystering.

Speaker 11 Shmorby, if you could be anything right this second, including out of debt, what would you

Speaker 11 want to be, Shmorby?

Speaker 48 Uh, the best friend to a live beast.

Speaker 21 Okay, yeah, no, that's you kind of walked into that one, Tara. That's not, yeah, besides, besides that, take the Zelnaz out of the equation,

Speaker 48 besides that, probably

Speaker 48 it's impossible, it's stupid, it's an impossible

Speaker 48 model.

Speaker 7 That's not so

Speaker 11 shmorby, look at me

Speaker 11 I want you to get away from here I want you to go get in that typewriter that I know you have

Speaker 13 in the back of this cave Yeah mail yourself somewhere and just

Speaker 11 head out strike out for the nearest shoe store

Speaker 11 and just start modeling them shoes

Speaker 13 you you mean like darling you mean like freelance

Speaker 2 I don't know what but how would that work

Speaker 11 how would that work listen if I understood how the industry worked I would be a lot further in my face.

Speaker 48 From what I understand, you go to a shoe store, you put on the shoes, you walk out, and you show people, and hopefully,

Speaker 1 it happens for you.

Speaker 11 And Smorby, that is what you have to do. You've stayed in this pit too long.

Speaker 48 It never seemed like a viable option, but now.

Speaker 11 But now you have years ahead of you.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Why not spend them happy modeling shoes? Yeah.

Speaker 11 Why not spend them with happy feet?

Speaker 48 Never really thought of it that way.

Speaker 7 Thank you.

Speaker 7 I was just thrown in here. I'm a criminal and I hate everybody.

Speaker 62 I have a tiny knife. I'm gonna stab, stab, stab.

Speaker 43 Okay, all right.

Speaker 52 Let's just take off my exterior

Speaker 48 instead of stabbing. Why don't you take a look at these shoes?

Speaker 62 Oh, okay.

Speaker 42 Huh.

Speaker 62 You know what? Crime is bad.

Speaker 48 Oh, snap.

Speaker 47 Emissary Dexter, I must say I am impressed.

Speaker 61 No one has defeated the dreaded Zelnaz in combat.

Speaker 49 Yeah, listen, I am sorry about that.

Speaker 55 We really

Speaker 61 in respect to you.

Speaker 42 You have proven yourselves in combat.

Speaker 43 Yeah,

Speaker 49 well, you know,

Speaker 23 no one has figured out his

Speaker 23 allergy to wood.

Speaker 42 Uh

Speaker 23 ah, oh

Speaker 7 okay, I see what kind of material.

Speaker 42 Yeah, yeah, okay. I am impressed,

Speaker 51 even though my peacekeeper is now a

Speaker 23 shoe model.

Speaker 42 Yeah, we did not mean to kind of mess up your whole emissary deck setup. Yes, yes.

Speaker 47 The flirt is at the service of the rebellion.

Speaker 6 Wow.

Speaker 7 Really?

Speaker 36 And we shall also die for the rebellion. Long live the rebellion.

Speaker 6 Yeah, sure, yeah, long live the rebellion.

Speaker 23 As a token of my appreciation,

Speaker 6 I give you this Federated Alliance kuzi given to me by a weakling of the Federated Alliance.

Speaker 44 Yeah, that okay.

Speaker 38 Thank you. I appreciate those areas.

Speaker 51 Yeah, I

Speaker 23 what? Nothing, nothing.

Speaker 23 nothing.

Speaker 36 I must say, in recent months, I have been heartbroken because my daughter has gone missing.

Speaker 37 Yeah.

Speaker 21 Oh boy. Wow, really?

Speaker 38 You're not.

Speaker 42 But I feel that the rebellion has given me new purpose.

Speaker 42 And seen a mighty warrior like you defeat the Zelda

Speaker 36 gives me hope.

Speaker 42 That one day I might find my

Speaker 4 beloved Kulata

Speaker 47 And one day we might topple the sinister federated alliance.

Speaker 16 And finally, Bargerian date again.

Speaker 26 Alone, yes, I

Speaker 16 calm down, it's me I know.

Speaker 16 My daughter, my daughter, my daughter loved you. I know.
Here's the thing. So I came because I

Speaker 16 all of a sudden feel guilty.

Speaker 23 She doesn't know.

Speaker 16 I bet she may be alive. I do not know.

Speaker 16 Actually, at first, I was like, okay with it because I was like, you know, she's a fan and fans could do whatever they want.

Speaker 41 You know what, Pargy, let's just open the hatch.

Speaker 37 Let's see.

Speaker 23 Alright, let's go. Let's go.

Speaker 8 Let's go.

Speaker 7 Let's go. Let's go.

Speaker 23 Let's go.

Speaker 50 Bargy, now they're shooting at us.

Speaker 7 Honestly, less grunts.

Speaker 7 You make us all look bad.

Speaker 7 No, you make us all look bad when you do it.

Speaker 54 One new message, likely annoying.

Speaker 54 Your Excellency, it is Bordarth with

Speaker 54 troubling news.

Speaker 53 Using an advanced technology known as a search engine, I have deduced that the Rebellion has its very own website, therebellion.space.

Speaker 53 And I fear that it is incredibly well made and was clearly easy to do so using the designer templates and award-winning customer support of Squarespace.

Speaker 53 And it is my duty to report that on this site they have posted encrypted messages that their pathetic codebreakers cannot crack. Messages intercepted from the Federated Alliance and also from me,

Speaker 53 but they will never crack them, Your Highness.

Speaker 53 There's also other critical intel on the Rebellion.space, such as a detailed guide to neutralizing clints, and an advice column from Hark Tardagas, their square jawed pilot who's thankfully lost in a hyperdrive netherworld.

Speaker 53 Now, I figured it must have cost the Rebellion critical croon to build a site of this quality, but it turns out that anyone can get a free Squarespace trial by visiting squarespace.com slash Zix, and then get a special discount on their first order of a site or domain, and the sites include free and secure hosting.

Speaker 53 After your assent, we shall squash amazing deals like this. They just make people too happy.

Speaker 53 But until then, this deal is sadly available to all at squarespace.com slash zix.

Speaker 53 And the deal is also

Speaker 53 conveniently linked to on the rebellion's shamelessly elegant website, the rebellion.space.

Speaker 7 May my next news be happier.

Speaker 1 Sender removed from favorites.

Speaker 32 Okay, Dar, I think I might actually do this.

Speaker 13 I think I might be able to finish in time.

Speaker 11 See, I told you what.

Speaker 20 It's very good.

Speaker 13 I got a couple chapters in. It just hooked me right in.

Speaker 11 Wait, how far have you gotten?

Speaker 9 We don't want to spoil you.

Speaker 8 Where are you?

Speaker 11 Because the ending is.

Speaker 5 Okay,

Speaker 5 don't talk to me. Don't talk to me.

Speaker 11 I never want to spoil this for you.

Speaker 17 Wait, are we starting book one? Because I am.

Speaker 5 No, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 18 I just, I just.

Speaker 19 Oh, guys, we gotta call Nermit and let him know how the mission went.

Speaker 12 Oh, okay.

Speaker 9 I'll call Nermit and let him know everything went correctly. Sounds good.

Speaker 28 Uh,

Speaker 28 why are you calling me, crew of the barterian cage?

Speaker 32 Oh, uh, Commander Toodle.

Speaker 27 Ralphus, hey, uh, sorry, I thought we were we were trying to call Nermit.

Speaker 20 Is everything okay?

Speaker 28 Yeah, he's on personal leave. He's taken a couple days out of us.

Speaker 2 Oh, he's taken

Speaker 11 all of his calls to you.

Speaker 28 What did you want to talk to me about?

Speaker 9 Oh, uh, the mission on Flirp was a resounding success.

Speaker 8 It was it.

Speaker 28 Fantastic.

Speaker 11 Well, technically, it was a success to a point.

Speaker 11 I mean, when we were leaving, it felt like we may have overshared.

Speaker 2 But you know, nothing we can't back.

Speaker 28 You guys over shared?

Speaker 17 I messed up. I kind of pretty much told the guy.

Speaker 26 Oh, really?

Speaker 28 The ship talking was a bad thing?

Speaker 9 Huh? Commander Tittle, the tone of your voice indicates you are perhaps perturbed with our behavior.

Speaker 10 Is there something we could improve upon?

Speaker 28 No, I appreciate you retrieving me from the dump.

Speaker 30 Hey, Ralph,

Speaker 24 I mean, sorry, Commander Tittle, how are you holding up?

Speaker 13 You doing okay?

Speaker 28 Yeah, I'm fine.

Speaker 11 Are you really.

Speaker 11 Because you can talk to us. You can.

Speaker 28 Why?

Speaker 27 Do you want to join our book club?

Speaker 28 Goodbye.

Speaker 2 Where do you think Nerman went?

Speaker 14 I wish he would answer.

Speaker 31 I wonder where he is.

Speaker 17 That is here.

Speaker 17 Uh, what? Yeah, there's a typewriter that just arrived in my back, and I could sense that it's Norman Norman

Speaker 16 Joshua.

Speaker 22 Is it Gorch?

Speaker 17 Anyways,

Speaker 17 that thing is here.

Speaker 8 Not sure this package is big enough.

Speaker 2 Oh, hey!

Speaker 6 Nermit!

Speaker 45 Nermit, what are you doing here?

Speaker 23 Nermit!

Speaker 63 Sorry, I've been I was behind, so I've been listening to the Bargarian Jade's audiobook version of the Stars Fault.

Speaker 2 Wait,

Speaker 20 Nermit, why are you here?

Speaker 64 Oh, yeah, right.

Speaker 63 Sorry.

Speaker 64 Man, ahead of myself.

Speaker 63 Yeah, well, I remember you said that the book club is only for, you know, crew members who are on the Bargary and Jade, and I realized that I had personal days available.

Speaker 11 You came here for a book club?

Speaker 64 Well, and to see you guys, but yeah, I mean, it's...

Speaker 27 That is irresponsible and adorable, Nervit.

Speaker 63 Oh, well, uh, I take that personally, and thank you.

Speaker 11 You really hate being left out that much?

Speaker 12 Um.

Speaker 9 Well, at this point, we have no claims for allowing Nermit to join the BJBC.

Speaker 6 Yeah, sure, yeah. Welcome, Nermit.

Speaker 18 Did you finish the book?

Speaker 63 No, I'm not done yet, but I'm really close.

Speaker 49 Okay, well, I'm not done yet either, so let's

Speaker 18 yeah, okay. Uh, you guys open a bottle of uh Flaccarian brandy, and uh, we will finish it up five, ten minutes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm gonna put these earbuds back in and let's finish it up.

Speaker 35 Beano read the book.

Speaker 57 What?

Speaker 35 Bino no spoilers, Bino,

Speaker 9 don't, Pino, come on, you haven't finished the book.

Speaker 20 Stop shrugging your skinny little shoulder.

Speaker 31 Pinota's smiling.

Speaker 35 They both die.

Speaker 22 Pino!

Speaker 22 Pino!

Speaker 3 Pino! Pino!

Speaker 26 Pinota!

Speaker 22 Yep.

Speaker 65 This is Sea Red IT5, Credits and Attributions Joy, commencing outro protocol. Emissary Pleck Tech Setter was played by Alden Ford.
C-53 was played by Jeremy Benn.

Speaker 65 Security Officer Dar was played by Ali Kopesh. Bargie the Ship, the Flerp Guard on his first day, and the Tiny Criminals were played by Mujan Zolfogari.

Speaker 65 Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy and the Brent Heavy Guard were played by Seth Lynn. Vino, the Grand Cula of Flerp, and Rolfa Stittle were played by Winston Null.

Speaker 65 Shmorbi, the Zell Nest Keeper, was played by his special guest, Bobby Moynihan. Bobby is the voice of Louie on DuckTales and will appear in the upcoming series Star Wars Resistance.

Speaker 65 He was a cast member on Saturday Night Live for nine seasons, as well as dozens of other television series and films. Follow him on Twitter at Vivi Moynihan.

Speaker 65 This episode edited by Seth Lynn with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. This episode was recorded at Braun Studios in Brooklyn, New York, and for Everdog Studios in Los Angeles.

Speaker 65 Music by Brendan Ryan. Opening columnaration by Jeremy Crunchley.
Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goyce. Mission to 6 is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom.

Speaker 2 Thanks, Audioboom.

Speaker 65 And a very special thank you to our Patreon supporters for making Season 2 possible.

Speaker 48 Instead of stabbing, why don't you take a look at these shoes?

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Huh.

Speaker 62 You know what? Crime is bad.

Speaker 48 I'm sorry. I guess I shot too far, too close to the son on my first try with the shoe modeling.
I thought maybe I could change his criminal ways.

Speaker 55 No, you did.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 he's thinking it over.

Speaker 48 Oh, I couldn't hear.

Speaker 1 My apologies.

Speaker 2 Wow.