211: Shmorby and the Beast [ft. Bobby Moynihan]

It is a period of civil war.

The rebellion against the sinister and corrupt Federated alliance grows stronger, and the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance.

Now, rebel emissary Pleck Dexeta and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This

is mission to zoom

You know, I gotta say,

I haven't read until the

book club meeting tonight, but I really enjoyed it.

I loved it.

I just can't stop thinking about it.

Yeah, me as well.

When did you guys find time to read it?

I just got started.

I couldn't put it down.

I read it all in one go.

I did as well, but reading is a little different for droids.

No, I guess that's true.

Where I was

You read it to yourself?

Yeah, I was the audiobook voice.

Oh.

Yeah, cool.

Pleck, if you haven't read the book, how do you plan to read it by tonight?

I just figure, you know, like.

Are you thinking just because it's a YA novel, you'll be able to read it quickly?

Well, yeah.

Excuse me, a YA book

instructs AIs how to show and feel compassion.

Uh-huh.

Okay, I just don't have a lot of time these days.

If you must know, I have been meditating on my place in the space.

And we have a clip of how that sounds.

Yep, that was it.

That's not always the sound it makes.

You could have been much further into this book if you had not wasted your time meditating on the space.

Listen, I guys, I kind of feel like I'm starting to

feel something.

Ow!

Why, you just poked me right in the eye!

Did you see that coming at all?

I would have if I had been focusing.

I don't know if I bet one.

Alright.

Well, anyway, I haven't read the book.

Well, you really must.

It's exceptional.

It's a must-read.

Alright, alright.

I'll read it on the way to our next mission.

Emissary Dexter, I have an incoming transmission from Missions Operations Manager, Nermit Bungalore.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Nerman, what's up, man?

Ah, you know.

Did you read the book?

What?

Did you read the book?

What?

The book club book.

Uh.

What do you mean?

Oh, boy.

Oh, man.

We really.

This is supposed to be a book club for only people who are on the Bargerian Jade.

Yeah, it's sort of a BJ book club.

I mean, I'd like to petition to join the BJBC.

Well, then we'd have to change the name.

I feel like I'm a book.

We'd have to wait for you to read the book.

Nermit.

Yeah.

Do we have a mission?

Yes, we have a mission.

So, this is cool.

We are going into a, I guess, open arms type situation.

You know, we're going to a place where the what?

Yeah, no, that's good.

What does that mean?

Well, it just means that, you know, when there's a planet that is so against the Federated Alliance, you can know that they're just going to have basically the rebellion flag already flying when you land.

So it's going to be cool.

It's called uh flurp.

flirt flirp, oh no,

wait, that no, we can't go back there.

Yeah, no, I don't think I thought that sounded familiar when I actually I think we've actually been there.

That place

that place hates us, yeah, that oh no, but they hated the alliance.

That was when you that's back when you were using cue cards.

Oh, so you're responsible for them hating the alliance, though.

Yeah, they may also hate us personally.

I mean, they

I can imagine.

Okay, listen, Norman, what's the plan exactly?

Like so, you're just gonna to go in and you're going to establish relations on behalf of the rebellion as an emissary.

No, I know that.

Sure, sure.

So yeah, I think that this is.

We sort of murdered the leader's daughter, if you remember correctly.

Is no one angry about that?

I mean, I think as far as they know, like, the Grand Coola's daughter got to meet Bargie, her hero.

Yeah, I am.

I have only good memories about that meeting.

Sure.

She also was released into the vacuum Springs.

You know, that's the decision.

Everyone makes their own decisions alike.

What am I going to do?

Stop them?

Come on.

We're free.

We're free.

Nerman.

Sorry, just to clarify,

do they know that we're coming?

Like, I don't want to surprise these guys.

There's sort of this, I would say, like maybe a war-like culture.

I don't think you need the word like.

Yeah, oh, sir, a war culture.

Yeah, no, they know that there's a scheduled meeting with representatives of the rebellion.

Okay.

I don't know which representatives.

They thought it was best to just have it be kind of general.

Okay.

Sure.

Alright, well, you know.

Well, you know, I think it's worth mentioning.

I think the space is going to look out for us on this one.

Right?

Well, if you want your little wooden toy, you're going to have to ask Bino for it back.

Why does Bino have my woodsaber?

We gave it to him.

Bino?

Bino loves woodsaber.

Is it in his mouth?

No, stop.

He's teething.

Bino, what else were we supposed to give him?

Bino.

That's an elegant weapon, Bino.

Drop it.

That's an overstatement, but still.

Bino loves elegance.

Bino loves luxury.

Beano loves elegance.

Bino, just get.

All right.

All right, Nermit.

I got my woodsaber.

Let's go.

Great.

Good luck, everybody.

Rebel emissaries

Plaque Dexetter.

Oh, hey, I was sort of hoping you might meet again.

Yep, hey.

Challenge him to one-on-one physical battles.

Yes.

Listen, as you know, I am the cooler of this planet.

Yeah, yeah, it's the that's a war chieftain.

That's right.

Hey,

so I just wanted to let you know, listen, I feel we all feel pretty bad, and I just wanted you to know that.

No, no, no.

No,

listen, uh,

I have a special

all right, okay, okay, okay, I think we've grunted enough.

Everyone get their grunts in that time?

Alright.

I have a special punishment for you, Dexeta,

and your crew.

Okay.

I will throw you.

All of you have

crossed the cooler.

But, you know, he shot me the last time we were on this planet, so I feel like I've been punished enough.

I'll feed you to a beast.

Infamous on flur.

Uh

okay.

The zellna

I'm sorry, wait, hold on, hold on, I'm sorry, hold on.

What did you what is it called?

The Zellna

sorry,

every time you you say the name and then the growling starts, can you just say what the name of it is again?

I do okay

the zenith.

I can't look at it.

Just right on this one, guys.

I need you to dial it down.

Just like two ticks.

I need to get the name out.

I'll throw you to the dreaded Zellnas.

Zellnaz?

Okay, okay, just making sure.

A beast whose fit.

No, guys.

Sorry, it's my first time.

No, I know, I know.

Whose ferocity is beyond measure?

Okay, yeah, sure.

Uh, what if I challenge you to one-on-one combat, though?

Would that be

bad?

Time has passed.

Too late.

Throw them to the zeal now.

What was that?

C-53, what do you know about fighting these guys?

It's a bad idea.

Okay, yep, sure.

Be careful.

Uh, what what?

Be careful.

Oh, uh, absolutely.

I was hungry.

Okay,

well, hey, Joe.

Hello.

Oh, wait, you, the Zelnaz, because I could easily take you in a fight.

What's that supposed to mean?

I mean,

I mean, look at that.

That's very aggressive.

I could stick my piece on you immediately.

Oh, so you're sort of a little bit of a skinny

keeper.

Yeah.

It's very clear.

I think

there's a giant sign.

Oh, I see.

Oh, it's kind of like a little degree.

I have a degree in Zellnhouse keeping, yes.

How many years of school is that?

Fifteen.

Wow, that's wow.

That is a long

450,000 croons.

Wow.

Okay, well, that's not.

Oh, it's one of those things.

You don't have to make it about that.

It is about that.

I paid a great deal of money for it.

Oh, that's how much you you paid?

I thought that's how much you got paid in your school.

I'm sorry.

I thought that's how much you got paid to be a Zelnaus keeper.

I wish I'd be out of debt, but no.

Oh, no.

So, wait.

I'm sorry.

I digress.

That's.

There's a lot of backstory.

I apologize, but just be careful of my beast, because he will eat you.

And if you make fun of me or get in my way, I will stick my beast on you.

Okay.

And you'll die.

Really?

So, is there an option where we just leave peacefully and do not interact with the Zeldas?

I don't think so.

I wish,

but there never has been.

This may be the time, but I doubt it, because already I feel like it's not going great.

Yeah,

so it's up to you.

It's not up to me.

It's up to the piece.

Nothing's up to me.

The only thing I do is give him food, shelter, love.

I sing.

I do think.

And you went to 15 years of school for that?

Yeah.

Does that sound so crazy?

Do you know how long it takes to perfect singing?

Actually, no.

Yeah, I'm dead.

15 years.

Okay, yeah, sure.

I mean, I guess that makes sense, yeah.

Yeah.

It's a very hard job.

What do you do for a living?

Oh, we're emissary.

We're emissaries.

Oh, okay.

Well, yeah, no, so you get it.

Yeah, yeah.

It's hard.

I mean, doing things are hard.

Especially this.

Sure.

Could you give us a little sample of the song to the beast?

It goes like this.

The beast

is my boy.

The beast is my little boy.

The beast,

the beast

will feast on your spine.

Oh, Dart!

Dar, wake up!

15 years.

15 years.

I'm sorry, that was

really good.

That was very soothing.

Dart fell asleep.

And that was deep.

I was in a deep REM cycle.

Good morning.

I hope you slept well because that was 15 years worth.

Now do you feel a little silly?

I get it.

I get it.

I mean, I gotta level with you.

Sorry, what is your name, sir?

My name?

Yeah.

No one's ever asked me that before.

I am just the Zellnaskeeper, but my true name?

Shmorby.

Shorty?

No, Shmorby.

Oh, shh.

Sorry.

Shmorby,

what's your relationship to the...

To the monster?

Like, do you...

Are you guys familiar with that?

Get to what you're saying.

Get to what you really want to say.

Everyone, it's the first question everyone asks.

No, I don't think that's...

No, you...

I'm a street excuse.

What do you think I'm thinking of?

No, I don't want to ask.

I don't want to ask what you think I'm going to ask.

Just do it because it's wasting time at this point.

I really wanted to know, like, is the Zolmas like your friend or is it like your pet?

That's really the first inquiry.

I think you wanted to know if I have.

If you've jucked the...

If you've jucked it?

Pardon me?

Is that what you...

Now, see, now I feel weird for asking that because you're making me feel like that's that's not what you wanted me to ask you.

I didn't want you to ask me anything.

I just wanted to make sure that my beast is well kept and alive.

I think the problem here is you were sent down here to die by the hands of the beast that I take care of.

So it's always awkward for me because, like, you seem like nice people.

We're having a conversation.

I've never told anybody my real name was Shmorbi before.

Sure.

Yeah.

I've never told anybody that was my name.

Ever.

So you guys seem great, but now I have to feed you to this beast.

Yeah.

Is that a contract situation?

Like, what's your obligation to feed us to the beast?

My obligation?

It's my job.

It's what I get my paycheck for.

I keep this beast.

I'm trying to pay off student loans right now.

Yeah, I'm not killing you.

The beast is.

I'm just making sure the beast is a well-oiled machine of death.

I guess so.

It sucks.

I don't want to do this.

Are we holding up your day?

Should we should we die?

Would that be easier?

C53.

Come on, C53.

I'm just trying to, you know, I feel a little bad for Schwartz.

No, you're not holding up my day at all.

I mean, like,

every day is the same for me, but

I'm just trying to explain my feelings.

Well, thank you, Schmorby.

I appreciate that.

If you have other feelings you want to talk about with us,

we can really dive deep.

I feel like my feet are gigantic and I hate it.

Oh, no.

I actually would never have.

They're big feet.

When you guys came in the room, the first thing you did was look at my feet.

I could see it.

I don't like that.

I don't like having big feet.

Listen, I mean, I can't change it.

I just don't even know what your species is, so so like that might not be, it might be totally normal.

Look at these things.

Just look at them because they're terrible.

Those are big.

That's why they keep me down here in a way, I think.

Oh, you think that's why you're down here?

I don't know.

I mean, I'm not a pretty boy up there, tripping the night fantastic in my spaceship.

I'm down here,

the keeper of the beast.

Oh, boy, wow.

What sort of people normally are down here in the pit about to die?

Thieves, criminals,

sure just general deadbeats.

One time there was a baker.

Sure, sure.

Wow.

I know, honey, I know, I know.

So it's starving.

The beast is obviously attached to this very long leash, and it's

back there in that cave out of sight.

When does it come?

It likes to stay in the dark.

It's kind of like we like to keep it in suspense so you don't see what's gonna happen because if you saw what it looked like right now, if you could actually physically see the beast's features,

you might die just from seeing it.

I've seen it happen.

Really?

Really?

You saw someone else?

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that's the only exit out of this pit.

I'm gonna hazard it.

Oh, that and the secret back door that I have.

But I mean, other than that, no, yeah, just would be death through the anus of the beast.

Specifically through the anus.

Yes,

and then we will come out the mouth hole many days later.

But hole.

Also, hole, not butt.

Right.

You know, uh-huh.

It's terrible.

Yeah, it's a lot of clean, a lot of cleanup.

Yeah.

I mean, knowing that information, it makes it even scarier.

Because, you know, if you have to pass through the sort of the butthole on your way in.

Okay.

Yep.

Uh-huh.

Oh, I was so in here.

I'm a criminal and I hate everybody in here and I want everyone to die.

Nice.

Okay,

that seems extreme.

They said something's gonna eat me.

Uh, yeah, that definitely seems to be on the agenda.

No, I'm not green.

No, see, you shouldn't.

That shouldn't that be a good idea.

You will die.

Where is it?

I'm going to kill you.

I got a little knife.

Oh,

get the big one.

Look at that stab me with its tiny little knife.

Are you okay, Dar?

Oh, wow.

Get you every time.

Did you see the way that its anus puckered and just sucked that little criminal right up?

Oh, boy.

Wow, that was very quick.

Is it normally that fast?

Yes,

especially when he's hungry.

Yeah, I guess so.

I've never seen him last this long

without eating a creature or a droid or anything.

Well, you know, Smorby, I gotta say thank you for keeping the beast at bay, I guess you could say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're here to collect a paycheck.

We get it.

I get it.

I get it.

We're just all just doing our jobs, you know?

That's it, man.

Just working for the weekend, bro.

Yeah.

What do you do on the weekends?

A lot of reading.

Curl up with a good book.

Really?

Have you read It's the Star's Fault?

We're all reading it right now as a book club.

Shut

up.

No, you shut up.

I can't.

This is.

I just started this past weekend.

Yeah, no spoilers.

We don't know.

We just, we all started it, yeah.

I would never know.

Oh, it's such a treat.

I can't wait to talk about it if you'll have me.

Oh,

yeah, you should join our book club.

Fantastic.

I'm in.

Shmarby, I gotta say, you seem like a pretty cool guy.

I'm not so bad.

Have you ever thought about a career change?

You could come with us, like, you know, maybe become a rebel emissary, travel the galaxy.

Gosh,

I don't even know what to say about that.

I've spent so much time down here, and once again, I spent 15 years

on a prestigious, hard-to-get position.

You sort of feel locked into this career.

Well, I'm also ugly and have giant feet, and if I go into the sun, I'll probably die.

I've been down here for so long, just with this beast, I smell terrible.

But that leather vest is so cool, though.

I like it.

Thank you.

But I mean, would you still think it was cool if I told you I took this off a dead man not three years ago?

Honestly, cooler.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That gives you some credit, you know?

I did not kill him.

I found him and

I just took his coat.

And also, I had to sew part of his pants to the coat so it would fit.

You'd have to tell me that.

So this is really coat pants.

Yeah, you didn't have to tell us that.

This is really a leather vest, but the back is the

secret is safe with us, Schmorbin.

When you turn around, you can clearly see the pants.

Yeah, I don't see a lot of pockets on the back of a pants.

But that's resourceful.

You have a skill.

I don't know why I'm trying to convince you about how terrible I am.

It's just so terrible.

I can't believe that I've been accepted by others.

It's shocking, to be honest.

I mean, well, hey, you know, listen, we're here.

We're just a few emissaries in a dark pit.

About to get eaten by monsters saying, you know, you're okay with us.

That should be lyrics to a song, Brunt Man.

I'm telling you, that was beautiful.

Thanks, yeah, you know, well.

Would you use it in one of your songs that you sing to the beast?

Yes.

Yeah.

Oh, what is he doing now?

Right now, he's actually doing the dance of acceptance.

He has taken you in, so he's at his most vulnerable.

I've only seen this once before.

Oh, wow, that's amazing.

This is unprecedented.

He's only done this with me a handful of times

no that's afraid.

No, I am a Zima.

No, you

have to stop doing that.

An instrument of war.

Please, take it.

No, you can't do that because you have to do it.

What did you do to that beast with your woodsaber?

I was trying to...

Why would you do that?

I was trying to sort of like...

Whoa!

Oh, that tiny grip.

Did you see how he crawled right out of his anus?

What have you done?

Oh, no.

Oh, Shmorby, listen.

Go chucking Gobby Smarby.

But that's...

What have you done to my beast?

Listen, I apologize.

No, I won't listen.

Okay.

I won't listen.

Okay.

Yeah,

Justin.

Don't call me Smorby, and then you called me Shmorby right after.

Okay.

It's so rude.

You're right.

You're right.

You killed my best friend, and then you said something that I specifically asked.

Okay, all right, sure.

What should we call, like, what?

Beastmaster?

Beastmaster?

No, I never would ask such a thing.

I listen.

I just want to be called the keeper of the Zellza.

Yeah, sure.

But I can't can't do that anymore because he exists no more.

You've taken everything.

You've erased 15 years

and 450,000 croon.

That's a lot of croon, yeah.

Who's gonna pay that back now?

Why?

Off for not, off for nothing, because you came.

Listen.

People who decided to be friends that killed my friend.

You tricksters.

Oh, why don't we just get another one?

Why don't you get another life?

I mean, that's a good question, yeah.

Bull technically, C is a droid, so he's had several

time for us to make it.

You're right, you're right, you're right.

I'm sorry.

Listen,

what can we do?

You know, the offer still stands.

You can come with us.

Maybe this is a good chance for you to kind of change gears.

Oh, why?

Because I have nothing?

Because you took it all from me, so now I should come with you?

Yeah, sort of.

I mean, you live in this pit.

Yeah, no, that when I said it, it sounded more right than it should have.

Maybe it's...

Maybe it's time.

Maybe it is time.

Who knows, even?

Oh, boy.

Wow.

Listen, I really.

Oh, boy.

That's...

Listen, Schwarby,

I get what it's like to lose someone you care about.

You do?

Cause one time.

You're

No, I wouldn't do that.

I just you stalled for like three seconds.

You would remember.

I mean, no, it's just there's so many

so many things that I could choose from of the

okay.

I, one time, um, there's this

uh

I'm sorry, you know what?

I should actually terrible or in the stars fault.

Oh, yes, yes, that's good.

Cancel thinks he's lost Gretel the best part forever but then he travels to the most distant star

and finds

a mirror of her

It's like this you're Hansel you just need to travel and find your next best Gretel

you mean it yeah yeah absolutely yep

they won't make fun of my feet Ah, now.

Now, see, no.

Listen, Shmorby,

you know how to sew.

You've got an expensive degree.

You're a reader.

You're a reader, yes.

Correct.

Stable.

You've got low center of gravity with those feet.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Boy, let's see.

I know a lot about typewriters.

What?

Typewriters?

Typewriters.

Yes.

Oh, sure.

The ships.

Are you familiar with a typewriter?

No.

They're very small ships.

Very, very small.

I know how to build them.

Okay.

Paper thin.

Really?

Huh.

What function does a typewriter serve?

It's a small ship that carries letters to people from different galaxies in a quick fashion.

Okay, sure.

Yeah, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

Oh, no, no, Shmorby.

I just remembered that for a second and I saw the bodies go for him.

But yeah, it's much difficult to ignore.

It's sort of taking up half the cavern in here.

I must take it with me.

Yeah, it doesn't seem.

I have to.

I can't leave him behind.

What kind of people would I be if I left it?

So, yes, I will come with you.

I will make the leap.

I will find a new life, but I also have to bring the dead body of the speech.

Oh, yeah, no,

I don't think we can.

No, no, it's gotta be done.

I have to.

Yeah, oh, no, come on.

Just give me a hand.

Stop.

That's too.

All you have to do is just

get right there.

Yeah, you're just going to want to nuzzle up right in that tiny bit.

Okay.

It's not going to be a little bit more.

And just give it a big old push, just like you mean it.

Okay.

Please just get him up

on the counter floor.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

No.

All right.

Yeah, go.

Thank you.

Listen, Schmorby,

what are we going to do with Azelna's corpse?

Yeah, we're probably going to have to lose some of your stuff in order to fit.

No, I don't think that's.

You want us to push it through this secret back door

if you can that would be great yes just try and how did how did the zelnas get in here though inside this cave well it was built around it oh that's right i built this cave around it myself sure you also know construction correct i i do i i'm a jack of all trades as they say

well i mean not anywhere i mean sure i'm a pilot i'm a cook i'm a politician i'm a senator i was a mathematician for 16 years.

When I was a child, I used to be a scientist.

I used to do surgeries on people.

I've rebuilt buildings, droids.

I created the money system for the Goltars.

I've done it all, but what I'm best at is being a keeper.

Yeah, I mean, but Shmorby, listen, it sounds like you've got a long galaxy as you're oystering.

Shmorby, if you could be anything right this second, including out of debt, what would you

want to be, Shmorby?

Uh, the best friend to a live beast.

Okay, yeah, no, that's you kind of walked into that one, Tara.

That's not, yeah, besides, besides that, take the Zelnaz out of the equation,

besides that, probably

it's impossible, it's stupid, it's an impossible

model.

That's not so

shmorby, look at me

I want you to get away from here I want you to go get in that typewriter that I know you have

in the back of this cave Yeah mail yourself somewhere and just

head out strike out for the nearest shoe store

and just start modeling them shoes

you you mean like darling you mean like freelance

I don't know what but how would that work

how would that work listen if I understood how the industry worked I would be a lot further in my face.

From what I understand, you go to a shoe store, you put on the shoes, you walk out, and you show people, and hopefully,

it happens for you.

And Smorby, that is what you have to do.

You've stayed in this pit too long.

It never seemed like a viable option, but now.

But now you have years ahead of you.

Yeah.

Why not spend them happy modeling shoes?

Yeah.

Why not spend them with happy feet?

Never really thought of it that way.

Thank you.

I was just thrown in here.

I'm a criminal and I hate everybody.

I have a tiny knife.

I'm gonna stab, stab, stab.

Okay, all right.

Let's just take off my exterior

instead of stabbing.

Why don't you take a look at these shoes?

Oh, okay.

Huh.

You know what?

Crime is bad.

Oh, snap.

Emissary Dexter, I must say I am impressed.

No one has defeated the dreaded Zelnaz in combat.

Yeah, listen, I am sorry about that.

We really

in respect to you.

You have proven yourselves in combat.

Yeah,

well, you know,

no one has figured out his

allergy to wood.

Uh

ah, oh

okay, I see what kind of material.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

I am impressed,

even though my peacekeeper is now a

shoe model.

Yeah, we did not mean to kind of mess up your whole emissary deck setup.

Yes, yes.

The flirt is at the service of the rebellion.

Wow.

Really?

And we shall also die for the rebellion.

Long live the rebellion.

Yeah, sure, yeah, long live the rebellion.

As a token of my appreciation,

I give you this Federated Alliance kuzi given to me by a weakling of the Federated Alliance.

Yeah, that okay.

Thank you.

I appreciate those areas.

Yeah, I

what?

Nothing, nothing.

nothing.

I must say, in recent months, I have been heartbroken because my daughter has gone missing.

Yeah.

Oh boy.

Wow, really?

You're not.

But I feel that the rebellion has given me new purpose.

And seen a mighty warrior like you defeat the Zelda

gives me hope.

That one day I might find my

beloved Kulata

And one day we might topple the sinister federated alliance.

And finally, Bargerian date again.

Alone, yes, I

calm down, it's me I know.

My daughter, my daughter, my daughter loved you.

I know.

Here's the thing.

So I came because I

all of a sudden feel guilty.

She doesn't know.

I bet she may be alive.

I do not know.

Actually, at first, I was like, okay with it because I was like, you know, she's a fan and fans could do whatever they want.

You know what, Pargy, let's just open the hatch.

Let's see.

Alright, let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Bargy, now they're shooting at us.

Honestly, less grunts.

You make us all look bad.

No, you make us all look bad when you do it.

One new message, likely annoying.

Your Excellency, it is Bordarth with

troubling news.

Using an advanced technology known as a search engine, I have deduced that the Rebellion has its very own website, therebellion.space.

And I fear that it is incredibly well made and was clearly easy to do so using the designer templates and award-winning customer support of Squarespace.

And it is my duty to report that on this site they have posted encrypted messages that their pathetic codebreakers cannot crack.

Messages intercepted from the Federated Alliance and also from me,

but they will never crack them, Your Highness.

There's also other critical intel on the Rebellion.space, such as a detailed guide to neutralizing clints, and an advice column from Hark Tardagas, their square jawed pilot who's thankfully lost in a hyperdrive netherworld.

Now, I figured it must have cost the Rebellion critical croon to build a site of this quality, but it turns out that anyone can get a free Squarespace trial by visiting squarespace.com slash Zix, and then get a special discount on their first order of a site or domain, and the sites include free and secure hosting.

After your assent, we shall squash amazing deals like this.

They just make people too happy.

But until then, this deal is sadly available to all at squarespace.com slash zix.

And the deal is also

conveniently linked to on the rebellion's shamelessly elegant website, the rebellion.space.

May my next news be happier.

Sender removed from favorites.

Okay, Dar, I think I might actually do this.

I think I might be able to finish in time.

See, I told you what.

It's very good.

I got a couple chapters in.

It just hooked me right in.

Wait, how far have you gotten?

We don't want to spoil you.

Where are you?

Because the ending is.

Okay,

don't talk to me.

Don't talk to me.

I never want to spoil this for you.

Wait, are we starting book one?

Because I am.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I just, I just.

Oh, guys, we gotta call Nermit and let him know how the mission went.

Oh, okay.

I'll call Nermit and let him know everything went correctly.

Sounds good.

Uh,

why are you calling me, crew of the barterian cage?

Oh, uh, Commander Toodle.

Ralphus, hey, uh, sorry, I thought we were we were trying to call Nermit.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, he's on personal leave.

He's taken a couple days out of us.

Oh, he's taken

all of his calls to you.

What did you want to talk to me about?

Oh, uh, the mission on Flirp was a resounding success.

It was it.

Fantastic.

Well, technically, it was a success to a point.

I mean, when we were leaving, it felt like we may have overshared.

But you know, nothing we can't back.

You guys over shared?

I messed up.

I kind of pretty much told the guy.

Oh, really?

The ship talking was a bad thing?

Huh?

Commander Tittle, the tone of your voice indicates you are perhaps perturbed with our behavior.

Is there something we could improve upon?

No, I appreciate you retrieving me from the dump.

Hey, Ralph,

I mean, sorry, Commander Tittle, how are you holding up?

You doing okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Are you really.

Because you can talk to us.

You can.

Why?

Do you want to join our book club?

Goodbye.

Where do you think Nerman went?

I wish he would answer.

I wonder where he is.

That is here.

Uh, what?

Yeah, there's a typewriter that just arrived in my back, and I could sense that it's Norman Norman

Joshua.

Is it Gorch?

Anyways,

that thing is here.

Not sure this package is big enough.

Oh, hey!

Nermit!

Nermit, what are you doing here?

Nermit!

Sorry, I've been I was behind, so I've been listening to the Bargarian Jade's audiobook version of the Stars Fault.

Wait,

Nermit, why are you here?

Oh, yeah, right.

Sorry.

Man, ahead of myself.

Yeah, well, I remember you said that the book club is only for, you know, crew members who are on the Bargary and Jade, and I realized that I had personal days available.

You came here for a book club?

Well, and to see you guys, but yeah, I mean, it's...

That is irresponsible and adorable, Nervit.

Oh, well, uh, I take that personally, and thank you.

You really hate being left out that much?

Um.

Well, at this point, we have no claims for allowing Nermit to join the BJBC.

Yeah, sure, yeah.

Welcome, Nermit.

Did you finish the book?

No, I'm not done yet, but I'm really close.

Okay, well, I'm not done yet either, so let's

yeah, okay.

Uh, you guys open a bottle of uh Flaccarian brandy, and uh, we will finish it up five, ten minutes.

Yeah, I'm gonna put these earbuds back in and let's finish it up.

Beano read the book.

What?

Bino no spoilers, Bino,

don't, Pino, come on, you haven't finished the book.

Stop shrugging your skinny little shoulder.

Pinota's smiling.

They both die.

Pino!

Pino!

Pino!

Pino!

Pinota!

Yep.

This is Sea Red IT5, Credits and Attributions Joy, commencing outro protocol.

Emissary Pleck Tech Setter was played by Alden Ford.

C-53 was played by Jeremy Benn.

Security Officer Dar was played by Ali Kopesh.

Bargie the Ship, the Flerp Guard on his first day, and the Tiny Criminals were played by Mujan Zolfogari.

Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy and the Brent Heavy Guard were played by Seth Lynn.

Vino, the Grand Cula of Flerp, and Rolfa Stittle were played by Winston Null.

Shmorbi, the Zell Nest Keeper, was played by his special guest, Bobby Moynihan.

Bobby is the voice of Louie on DuckTales and will appear in the upcoming series Star Wars Resistance.

He was a cast member on Saturday Night Live for nine seasons, as well as dozens of other television series and films.

Follow him on Twitter at Vivi Moynihan.

This episode edited by Seth Lynn with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

This episode was recorded at Braun Studios in Brooklyn, New York, and for Everdog Studios in Los Angeles.

Music by Brendan Ryan.

Opening columnaration by Jeremy Crunchley.

Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goyce.

Mission to 6 is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom.

Thanks, Audioboom.

And a very special thank you to our Patreon supporters for making Season 2 possible.

Instead of stabbing, why don't you take a look at these shoes?

Okay.

Huh.

You know what?

Crime is bad.

I'm sorry.

I guess I shot too far, too close to the son on my first try with the shoe modeling.

I thought maybe I could change his criminal ways.

No, you did.

Oh,

he's thinking it over.

Oh, I couldn't hear.

My apologies.

Wow.