L01: Bad Ombre [ft. Jeff Hiller - LIVE at Caveat NYC]

This is Sea Red IT5 with a special announcement.

The following episode was recorded live at Caveat NYC and features special guest, Jeff Hiller.

Are you guys excited to see the first ever live recording of Mission to Zix?

Yes, you are.

You are very excited.

All right, well, keep that enthusiasm going.

This is Mission to Zix Live.

Hey, everybody.

Thank you so much for being here.

This is very exciting.

Guys, thank you for being on the bleeding edge of this podcast.

We are only two and a half months old now, and it's been so awesome to see our listenership grow.

It's been great.

So we're going to do a show.

Normally, as you probably have guessed, we don't do it this way.

We normally record it clean, and then our sound designer, Shane, goes crazy doing amazing sound effects and music and stuff.

And now we're going to attempt to do this all in one shot.

So, guys, give it up for Shane O'Connell, our sound designer here tonight.

I'm all in Ford.

I play Plec Deck Setter.

This is Allie Kokesh.

She plays Dar.

Jeremy Bent plays C53.

Mujan Zolfigari plays Bargie.

Seth Lind, Nermit Bundaloy.

Winston Knoll as everyone else in the galaxy.

Including the Clints and Samo, obviously everyone's favorite character.

And our guest tonight, Jeff Hiller.

Give it up for Jeff.

Very exciting.

So let's get it started, right, guys?

You guys ready?

All right, here goes nothing.

The period of civil war has ended.

The rebels have defeated the evil galactic monarchy and established the harmonious Federated Alliance.

Now, Ambassador Pleck Deck Setter and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This

is Mission.

Mishmazie?

Yeah.

Hey, listen, um

What?

What's wrong?

It's my anniversary.

You're married?

No.

It's

the anniversary of when my biggest movie came out.

Oh, sure.

And every year there will used to be a parade.

A parade for one of your movies?

Every planet would have a parade.

People would come out quoting parts of the movie, but now nobody even remembers.

You can't even name it.

I bet you don't even know.

Yeah, I could probably figure out

it was chips in the I don't know what's your question, what do you want?

I noticed that there's a there's like a cargo hold that doesn't the only thing in it is the bean and I was wondering if we could put the bean in my room and then I could sleep in the cargo hold because it seems like the cargo hold is like I feel like it's a perfect size for it's got a window which mine doesn't have it like why is there a window in the cargo hold we have a cargo hold with a window thank you thank you C53.

Just non-standard practice.

It's the guests.

It's for guests.

When was the last time we had a guest on the ship?

The bean is our guest.

The bean is our guest.

That's actually an excellent point.

I don't know about that.

And I like to keep it empty.

I like to keep vague.

I used to keep fan mailing.

Fan-maybe.

Fan mail.

And I'm keeping it open.

In the event of more fan mail?

Yes.

Yes, of course.

Okay.

Can I ask what you did with the other fan?

What the fan mail that you used to have in there?

I read it to myself,

and I let it dissolve

me.

And I became my fans.

Oh.

And together with one voice, I said to myself, thank you, Baji.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay.

That makes.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

Okay, well, uh, you know, if you ever decide, I just feel like the bean would probably be just as comfortable in my room, and then I could sleep in there.

No, it would be very uncomfortable in your room.

Your room sucks.

Okay, yeah, that is.

It would be hard to know for certain.

Ambassador Dick Center, we cannot ask the bean.

So, my opinion is worth less than a bean that can't talk.

Well, Ambassador Dick Center, we are on a diplomatic mission.

Sure.

It is our responsibility to show any guests or entities that we may be hosting the utmost hospitality.

Therefore, the bean takes precedence over your welfare.

That seems wrong.

It seems wrong.

And yet.

And yet what?

And yet.

Isn't it sort of up to us?

Is it sort of like, okay, let's say, for example, yes, the bean has special rights that I don't have, but can't we override that by, say, a simple majority vote?

Then, Ambassador Dexter, what?

What truly is right or wrong?

You're asking us to assume a completely morally ambiguous universe.

Should we take it to a vote?

Should the universe be morally ambiguous?

No, not that.

I want to vote about the room.

I want to vote about the room.

Okay.

Oh, okay.

All in favor of giving Pleck a normal-sized room where he can actually lie horizontal like Tellurians are supposed to.

I don't know how you guys.

I sleep standing straight up.

Sure, yeah, of course.

I enter a low-power state.

Right.

It's nearly identical to this state, because my eyes aren't quite as bright.

And I sleep on three mattresses.

Yeah.

And I just say I'm asleep.

Okay.

So really, Ambassador Death Center, if you will forgive me, it sounds like you are being the difficult one.

How?

You need so much space for sleep.

Okay, well I guess I'll just continue to do what I'm doing now.

Which is?

I sort of like...

Well, like when I squat down, my knees hit one wall and then I kind of slide

down to a place where I can kind of lift my toes off the floor.

Do you wake up very sore in most days?

Indeed.

That seems like indeed I do.

Seems like you would.

Yep.

So, anytime you guys want to take that vote, it's a great bite.

Sure, we'll do it at some point today.

Great, cool.

Mark, what was the name of that movie?

Into, out to, into out.

Ah, yeah.

Into out to intoout.

Titles don't translate as well as you might know from its original language.

What was the original language?

Cups.

Oh.

Sure.

And Into, out to, into out.

I was not only a ship, but I was the sky.

What?

You were the sky?

Or did you say you were this guy?

I was the guy who was the sky.

Sure.

Into, out to, into, out.

Great, great, great.

Much of the art on cops is very confusing.

Sure.

Guys or skies?

Up is down, ins are outs.

It can be hard for Tillurians to handle.

It's had to have a scene.

Let's play it.

Very well.

Hey, look at that ship.

But wait a minute.

That ship's also a guy

in the sky.

Well, I'm gonna go into my house or is it

out of my house?

That was it.

That was it.

I didn't speak the entire movie.

It was mainly my physical action.

Great, great, great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cool.

Still talked at many universities.

Ambassador Dixon and I have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundle.

Hey, great.

Hey, guys.

Nermit.

Hey!

What is up?

Not much.

Don't mind my appearance.

They started...

They let you take some, like, vocational classes.

I've been taking painting.

So

I'm kind of covered in paint, but it's fun.

It's like, check this one out.

You might recognize some people.

Who's Bargie?

Yeah.

Beautiful.

Bargie with us standing on top of it, which doesn't really happen all that often.

I mean...

That would kill two of the three members of the family.

Yeah, Yeah, if we're in space, if we're in space, that would be bad.

Sorry.

Yeah.

How did you get that much paint on you?

One of my classmates used me as a brush.

Oh, sure.

You do have a very sort of feathery tear.

Whatever that is on the top, I imagine, yeah,

it's a plume plum.

Yeah, plume plum.

It comes to a very fine point.

I imagine it's great for detail.

Yeah, the student who, her name is Phileme, she's getting a great grade, I think, because she uses me as the brush.

So I feel like we're the co-artist.

He disagrees.

Interesting.

So,

what's our mission, Nervin?

I feel like art is the mission for all of us, but we do have a specific mission.

Okay, so yeah.

Alright, let me pull it up on the mission film.

Shall we take a moment to celebrate art?

Sure.

We were actually just watching an art film of Barges.

Oh!

Let me play another scene.

We don't need to do that.

Am I on or off?

Am I in or out?

Wait, is this up or down?

Yeah.

What do you think, guy in the sky?

Toot, toot.

Yeah.

Great.

All right or wrong.

Like I said, still taught at many universities.

I feel like, I don't know, I don't know a whole lot about film, but that seems sort of pretentious to me.

That seems like a pretentious art film.

No, I just say, I feel like...

It's okay to say if you don't get it.

No, I don't.

Okay.

Fine, fine.

Nermit, what is our mission?

Okay, so you are going to the planet Philcon.

Hey, and you are...

Oh,

I guess you're just picking up uniforms.

But a lot of them.

You're picking up uniforms for all of the ambassadors.

They're sourcing Federated Alliance uniforms from the Zik squadron?

That seems like a lot of them.

That's

actually well known for their textile capabilities.

Right.

The fabrics are extremely high quality.

Sure.

So that's the mission.

I would not rank it as, like, cool.

Alright, fine.

Let's just go.

I guess let's go.

All right, good luck you know what i'll be doing being a brush

congratulations i guess all right let's head in

there are not a lot of people here killcon has a fairly standard population for a planet of this size it's not usual that there's no one around yeah that's why we had to land in this field we didn't get a response from the docking docking bay.

Hmm.

Hey!

Hey!

Yes, sir.

Is there some people in cages over there?

Hey!

Hey!

What?

Hey!

Come here!

Oh, how?

Are you okay?

Pink thing.

Yeah, I'm...

Well, sure.

Come here, all three of you.

Okay.

You're pink, too, for that.

Stay too.

Go!

I'm just going to say, I want to help you, but I will say that, like, if either of us is pink, we're both, like, we're both pink.

If I'm pink, then we're obviously both pink.

You're a little more pink than I am.

am.

Okay.

We're in these cages.

Is that your thing?

No.

Our thing?

Is that Phil Connie?

No.

My name's Phil.

And I'm Connie.

Does that have anything to do with the name of your planet?

Well, everybody here is either named Phil or Connie.

What?

It's Phil Conn.

Okay.

All right.

How do you tell the Phils and Connie's apart when you're in a big group?

Well, you know, you're like, wait, wait, which Phil are you?

And you're like, I'm the Phil that lives down the street.

You're like, oh, yeah.

Wouldn't it be easier to call that one down the street instead of Phil?

Well, that's why we have last names.

Oh.

So I'm Phil in the cage.

Yeah, I'm Phil in the cage.

Oh, that sucks.

Despite all my rage, I am still just a Phil in the cage.

You seem pretty mean and temperate.

Okay, you're right.

It wasn't an odd decision to be here.

Somebody put us here.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Are you okay?

Do you need help?

No.

No.

Something much,

much worse.

Oh, should we be worried?

Yeah, remember?

Yes.

We used to rule this land along with the other Phils and Connies.

Yes.

Every day we would wake up and just make

shirts and pants, and then we go to sleep.

Yeah.

Sure.

Phil, Connie, have been sent to pick up whatever amount of lip gloss you've finished.

Phil!

Phil!

Hey, it's Phil dragging stuff back from the cages.

Yeah,

it's my last name.

Sure, hey, guys.

Hey, and that's always been your last name, dragging stuff back from the cages.

Yeah, it didn't make sense until these people were caged.

But then I was like, oh, this checks out.

It's terrible.

We used to rule this land, and sure, we might have been boring or conventional, but the shirts came out on time, and the shorts were of the appropriate length.

And then one day it happened.

There was a droid.

A droid that became too smart and took over the planet.

Wait, so there's a droid that lives on this planet that rules you?

He rules us.

Can't you hear the music?

Listen hard.

We're listening real hard.

There's music.

And he rules us with an iron fist.

I'm getting screwed up.

Yes.

Sounds like a nightclub or like a fancy.

It's really bumping.

Should we run should we leave right now or

you're from the alliance right?

Yeah federated alliance well negotiate with him tell him that he'll be in big trouble if he doesn't let us out Okay, but Phil, how would you feel if we released them from the cages?

Oh, I guess I'd I'd have an identity crisis, but I'd find something to drag somewhere.

I mean we could still call you that.

No, then fine, yeah, free them.

In that case, I suspect you would become Phil in the Black.

Oh, I like you.

I like this.

Yeah,

C53.

A lot of people didn't like that.

Oh, well,

they're in the majority, but they aren't me.

You're on board?

I'm on board with that joke.

Oh, no.

The door to that enormous palace is opening.

Oh, yeah, I'm going to go.

I want to go inside.

Where the fuck are all these photographers come from?

Okay, all right.

Hi, sorry.

I'm Ambassador Pleck Dexetter.

This is Dar and C53.

I love your pink, pink skin.

It's so good how you have that fringe on top of it.

That's hairy.

I like that.

Ooh, I love your glatinous layers.

You really bring out your top genitals.

They say the top genitals are the window to the sofa.

I say that all the time.

Yeah.

That's true.

Yeah.

That's true.

And look at you.

Shine, shine like you're a bright, bright diamond.

No, I won't stop.

I love it.

Can I get you guys something, some coffee, some tea, some bubbling, sparkly orange beer?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll take an orange beer.

Okay, let's get these guys some drinks, you guys.

Are those Clints?

Yes, these are Clints.

But do you notice that I've given them just a little bit of something better?

They're all

six-inch heels.

Oh, wow.

I'll say this.

My legs have never looked better.

And look at this ass.

Wow.

Okay.

But to be fair, to be fair, the Clints wear like full hard arms.

But my legs look better than any other Clints legs I've ever looked at.

All right, sure.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, no.

Like other Clints, they have like dumpy legs, but mine are just boom.

Yeah, sure.

Look at those calves.

It's like a sack full of croons.

Yeah.

Listen, you know, when this droid took over, at first we were like, wait a minute.

But now I've just never felt more alive.

This is, I feel alive too.

Yeah, no, we both feel alive.

No, I was just saying that I also feel alive.

Yeah, we could both feel alive, but I feel a little bit more alive.

And if we're gonna be honest, my legs are better.

Okay, well, I mean, my ass is better.

Yeah, we could do this.

Okay, all right, guys.

Yeah, no, it's totally fine.

It's totally fine.

Well, listen, thanks for having us, I guess.

Um sure

can I just

ask you about something?

Sure, have you ever thought about an ombre?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Are you not familiar with ombre?

No, what is an ombre?

Poor sweet thing.

An ombre is when your hair starts one color and eventually fades down.

Our reverse ombre would be starting light and going dark, but an ombre is traditionally starting dark and going light.

Okay, so I would love to give you some extensions and an ombre.

Yes, yes.

All right, yeah, let's do it.

That's great.

You're so pink.

It's like

you're not there.

I'm not going to say that all

mine.

I will just say, though, that for what it's worth, Tellurians are generally this color.

That's what he says.

Okay, okay, okay.

Get an ombre.

Okay, okay.

Don't do it.

Don't point your.

Okay, all right.

All right, now point that gun at him and take him over to the wash station and give him a scalp massage.

No, that's not so bad.

That sounds pretty good.

Hey, hey, Phil.

Hey, uh, sorry, Phil who lives in the cage?

Oh, Phil, who lives in the cage?

Yeah, sorry, just talking to Phil real quick.

Yeah.

What are you what?

Is the guy who took over your planet?

Yes, he was just a glam droid.

And then he became ruthless, and now he rules the planet.

He actually seems pretty cool.

Familiar with the ways of Phil Kairos.

What is it?

Glam droid?

It's just a droid who comes in and does ombres and

bangs and and stuff.

It sounds like you're talking about what we would traditionally call a hairdresser.

Like a hairdresser droid.

I guess.

We call it a glam droid here.

But it's also, it's not just hair, it's also, you know,

skincare, regimens.

Okay.

And the overlord won't rest until the entire planet is glam.

I don't think I ever got your name, droid.

Well, I was born A2113, but now I call myself Bruce.

Oh, okay.

Sure.

All hail Bruce.

Oh, sure, sure, yeah.

All hail, Bruce.

All hail, Bruce.

Okay, too bad.

All hail, Bruce.

Now, shut up.

Okay, all right.

All right.

I'm Phil Drinkbringer.

Here's your fizzy and your fizzy, and we're out of orange beer.

Yeah, we just ran out of orange beer.

We ran out of orange beer.

Oh, too bad, puck.

You have the worst luck.

Yeah.

I would offer you a girt milk, but we have no girl.

I don't have it.

I don't like girt milk.

I don't like girt milk.

The pink ones like gut milk.

That's not actually

true.

Okay.

All right.

Sort of a galaxy-wide shortage on curtail.

I guess so.

Ambassador, you said you would, you said that you would negotiate on our behalf.

Oh, yeah.

Phil, I'm working on that.

Do it.

Okay, listen.

Yeah.

Well, I'm not cruel.

They can stick their little feet through the cages and walk around.

Yeah.

I'm not a monster.

Yeah, they're movable cages.

Oh, sure.

I sort of had it in my mind that you couldn't move inside those cages.

No, we can walk around fine.

It's just still a bummer.

Yeah, he says it's a little bit of a sense.

It accentuates our bodies.

Yeah, those are very form-fitting cages.

Yeah, they're incredible.

So, Bruce, sorry.

Sorry, Phil, Connie.

Bruce, what exactly do the people of Philcon do now?

Well, we produce a variety of beautiful skincare products.

Also, hair.

Also, you produce hair?

Yes.

Yeah.

Okay.

Senses don't just come.

I guess that makes pluck.

Yeah.

Okay, all right.

All right.

Yeah.

Somebody's got to make them.

So now Connies are growing their hair out in a couple of fills.

And then we shave their little heads and we bag them up in bags and we send them out to the universe.

Oh, great.

You see, on Falcon,

um,

people mate with their hair, so our hair gives a really special

thing.

So you want to hear more about the mating with the hair yeah dar loves that stuff

dar loves that stuff yeah what's that stuff yeah like like like the ways that different species mate like for me on rangus six it's sort of like hold on you said for me

let's dive into that

if you're gonna be specific for me specifically sex is sort of has not been an issue yet in my life but i what does that mean it hasn't been an issue

yeah but yeah

it's not

anything to be ashamed of.

It's just true.

It's a little something to be ashamed of.

Sure, fair enough.

I'll tell you why.

We'll put a Commere on you.

You'll get it.

Oh, you think that'll help?

Sure.

I mean, hey,

whatever helps, you know?

But back to the mating with the hair.

Well, they take care, they braid their hair together.

Usually a Phil and Connie together, but sometimes Phil's and Phil's, and sometimes Connie's and Connie's.

And when the braid happens, it glows a little bit.

True.

And then a Phil or a Connie will be along.

Along?

They'll just show up?

Yeah.

Remember, he's a virgin.

No, I don't understand.

You still got to spell it out.

So, like, does a new Phil sort of burst from the head?

Does it make out of hair?

I don't understand.

No, it's not beard.

I don't know.

I just don't understand.

It's just a normal birth process.

Oh, okay.

Where they have their chest cavity open up,

shoots out, singing a little song called the birth song.

It does its tiny little birth dance, and then I have another slave person.

Sure.

Wait, did you say slave?

No, he did.

Yeah, he absolutely did.

Master, master, I'm about to give birth.

Oh, this is great.

We'll be able to hear the birth song.

This is so beautiful.

I cannot wait to hear this birth song.

I believe I can fly.

Seems I cannot actually fly.

I've got legs and it's okay.

Oh, okay.

Twins.

That song really was on a journey where it's very optimistic and then very realistic, and then sort of okay at the end.

Sure.

Well, hey, listen, Bruce, your planet's very interesting to us.

I want to talk to you more about the slavery thing,

but first, let's get that ombre, huh?

Lay down.

Okay.

oh

oh all right

oh what's happening okay this is gonna burn stay very still play okay all right all right and master dictionary cannot stress highly enough do not move

you're you're raising your eyebrows as though you were going to move or question what i said do not move your eyes close your eyes okay all right all right Okay, now hold up your right arm.

Your right arm.

Oh, okay.

I have a problem with with my right and my left sometimes.

Sometimes?

Most of the time.

I mean, he's holding up his left arm right now.

We're going to take a break.

We'll see you in 10 minutes.

I will say, this looks pretty great.

I never thought about what if my hair changed colors as it got further away from the ground, up to the top of my head, but I really that's sort of the idea, right?

Is that it's like it looks like

what's the plan here?

What's like, what's it, what it, what is

what is an ombre supposed to invoke, Bruce?

You're exhausted.

Why?

I'm sorry.

Look.

It's supposed to make you pretty.

That's all.

It has not worked.

Okay.

I have never failed anyone.

You've failed.

Okay, well, all right.

I hope that wouldn't be too hard on yourself.

I mean, the materials you were working with.

You know, you can't polish an excrement.

Sure.

Well, I'm sure it'll grow out, right?

No.

What?

That's a permanent.

You're familiar with it.

It's permanent from growing out.

That is just a permanent do.

But I could cut my hair, I could shave my head or

that would be murder.

What do you mean?

Well, Connie.

That is 100%.

Pure Connie hair

is a living being.

And so if you cut that off, you will be murdering Connie hair.

It's a permanent do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cool, cool, cool, cool.

Permanent dues were sort of more popular maybe 30 to 40 years ago at Menstrund Deck Center.

God,

Okay, Bruce

is terrible.

We're all familiar with the saying, craftsmen are allowed to blame their tools.

Well, that's not a saying.

Bruce, I just got to ask you, like, how did you come to be the ruler of this planet?

Well,

I used to be

standardized glamour.

And I would every day welcome in a Connie, welcome in a Phil, and I would ask them what sort of exciting new hair do they would like.

And do you know what they always said?

Put a bowl on their head and cut around the bowl.

Yes.

They were squashing my art.

Well, so just one day I decided I'm going to give this Connie a pixie because her neck was very long

and her eyes were large.

So it really framed her face well.

Sure.

So I gave her a pixie.

Sure.

And do you know what Connie said?

No.

She just screamed.

Okay.

Wow.

You can ask her about it.

Connie screams a lot.

Well, I guess it makes sense.

I guess it makes sense, though, because here on PhilCon, your hair is your genitals.

So if you cut it in a way that's weird, that's like your whole life, right?

Your hair?

I never really thought about it like that.

Like, I'm sort of wearing genitals on my head right now, right?

Oh, boy.

Look.

Sorry.

All I know is I wanted to have something.

I just said, hey, Phil, why don't you try a bold lip?

He said, What do you mean?

I put just a tiny bit of color on his lip.

You know what he did?

He painted.

Okay.

Phil Faint Face.

Phil Faint Face.

I mean, as he went down, I was like, ah, it makes sense.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Every single time I tried to do just the tiniest thing, these people fight out.

Sure.

Sure.

They picked the junk out.

The juck out?

Ah, these juckers.

Sure.

sure.

Mother juckers!

Bruce, had you perhaps considered finding a Phil or Connie with a name that might welcome some alteration?

Connie looking for a new look after divorce

or Phil who's into genital mutilation.

We need to get off of it.

Okay, what?

That's what it is.

That's what it is.

That's what it is.

Surely there is not a Phil with that last name on this planet.

So, so Bruce, you were so frustrated by the Phils and Connie's not appreciating your art that you just enslaved them?

Well, when you say it like that, it sounds bad.

It does sound a little bad.

All I did was say, look at this cute outfit.

Why don't you try it on?

And they said, no, I don't want to try it on.

And I said, just try it on.

So then they tried it on.

It was a cage and they ran it forever.

In Bruce's defense, the cages are very

fabulous.

Yeah, they're very nice.

Because I know a Connie's lines.

Yes,

that's true.

The Phil Silhouette is very basic.

And if you notice, all of those cages are in a color that suits their eyes.

You know what I mean?

It's like a jewel tone for a certain Connie.

It's a sleek black for that edgy Phil.

Yeah.

Do you know, have you met Phil Edgy?

I'm Phil Edgy.

Shut up.

Get away.

Love you, Cage.

Great cage.

Great cage.

I don't care.

I don't care what you think.

Oh, come on.

You care a little bit.

Maybe.

Okay.

My master, my master, sir, it's Phil scheduling the runway show.

It's about to begin.

You're so lucky.

There's a runway show?

Is it?

I make all of the Phil's and Connie's show off their cages twice a day.

Twice a day.

Three times on weekends.

The odds were we were gonna catch her.

Sure, we were sure.

That's actually not that rare, but I'm glad we're here for it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Watch this.

Now I am going to give some color commentary.

Okay.

Hi, I'm Connie Lactose Intolerant.

Notice that Connie Lactose Intolerant holds a beautiful GERD milk-colored cage.

Turn around, Connie.

Show the back.

Ooh, look at the piping.

Thank you, Connie.

Welcome.

Hey, it's me.

Phil trying too hard.

Spinning, spinning, a spinning, a spinning, trying a little bit too hard.

Notice that Phil trying too hard.

Hard's cage is invisible.

Yeah, yep, yep, yep, because I'm a cage by my own dreams.

Oh, no.

Oh, that's so sad.

Yes.

Always out of reach.

Ooh, here's my favorite Connie.

Hello, I'm Connie, the one with the hat.

Notice Connie with the hat cage has a hat!

Connie also has a hat, though, which is weird.

It seems like you just take Connie's hat and put it on the cake.

Yeah, it's almost like putting a hat on a hat.

Yeah,

in some ways.

You're a little bit like Connie.

That's the concept, you draw.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Overlord, I'm the Phil that delivers shorts.

Here's the shipping of the Federated Alliance uniforms that you.

Oh, yeah, that's actually why we're here.

I kind kind of forgot.

We're here to pick up Federated Alliance uniforms.

Oh, good!

I made some slight tweaks.

Oh, we are

so excited!

Oh, I would say you made some pretty dramatic tweaks here.

Wow, these are short, yeah.

Yeah,

they're shorter shorts.

I would call them short shorts.

Huh.

They're

okay.

You're going to be well up your thigh, Ambassador Dixon.

Okay.

Overlord.

Overlord.

would you like us to model the Federated Alliance uniforms?

Yes!

Come in!

Look at my quiz!

Come on!

Working!

Dashé Shantae!

Stashe Shantae!

What is it?

Stashet Shantae!

Okay, Sashay Shantae!

You have a lot of work to do here.

I'm telling you, Baltha, at least this guy didn't chuck up an ombre.

Ambassador Dexeter, while the shorts may have been short, the shirt has been almost completely eliminated.

It's just two thin lines.

They're sticky.

All right.

Now you got approval from like the Council of Seven to make these?

What is happening?

See, at that octave, can you.

I'm trying to decode that as primary, but I'm not.

Did we just break the time?

Just gonna hit the hard reset here.

No, I did not.

Oh.

Okay.

All right, well, fine.

You know what?

We'll just take them and we'll figure it out.

Can I just say what would it take for you?

Like, could we negotiate about the

whole like Phil and Connie enslavement?

No.

What?

I'm just figuring out a a cage.

Does it at least make my ombre work at all?

Oh, no, it doesn't.

No.

Okay.

Listen.

Dart,

this seems like sort of like a perfect time for you to just rip open these bars.

Dark!

Here's a big bag of Connie here.

I will be away for four minutes.

No, Dart, Dart, come back.

C53?

The

you could probably get me out of this cage with like a eagle black sleeves.

C53, have you ever considered,

and I know this is bold, but just attaching a little penguin on top of your skull?

Now, here's the thing: people are always regretting getting bangs, but a lot of times it helps if you have a large forehead, which you do.

That's true.

It's just a smooth metal expense.

Now, what if we just taped these on

and cage?

What's it?

Ambassador Dick said I was lured into his confidence by the promise of glorious bangs.

How did you fall for that, C53?

I don't know.

I've just never had bangs.

It seems like a very attractive option.

Everyone should have bangs at least once in their life.

You know, they sometimes call me the bang whisperer.

Bangs!

Oh, because you just whisper the word bangs?

Yeah, why else would you?

I guess I don't know what that would mean otherwise.

Can I just ask?

So I'm in this cage now.

Do I have to work for you?

Yes.

I don't want loafers on my planet.

Okay.

Do you mean people who are loafing, or do you mean the casual shoe?

Yeah, I don't want loafers.

I want a strappy sandal on my planet.

I want, at the very least, like

an espedrille wedge okay sure

at the very least

at the very least

that's the bare minimum is an espadrule wedge you will wear an espadrol wedge okay okay

all right all right okay

okay your legs are so much shorter than Phil's well

Phil Longlegs no just all Phil

Though I am here.

Ironically,

hey.

They're not that long.

No, I feel like in the future something's going to happen.

I don't know.

Just waiting.

Cool, cool, cool.

One day.

Hey, I'm...

I'm just going to.

I'm just going to real quick and call Bargie one second.

Hey, who?

Hey.

Bargie, that's our ship.

Just call Bargie.

The actress Bargie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Bargie.

Star of Intuit.

Intuitive.

Intuitu out.

It's so hard to say it.

Yeah, it doesn't really translate.

Not from the native cult.

Sure.

You know, the first thing I did on the day that I actually took over this planet,

I had a parade for that movie.

Really?

That apparently happened a lot.

And people would quote lines from that movie.

Yes.

My favorite is...

Tutu.

Sure.

That line actually made it into other Bargie films.

It sort of became like a catchphrase.

Yeah, yeah.

But it started in that film.

I know.

I studied Bargie films at Droid College.

They teach film at Droid College?

Oh, yeah.

Where did you go to Droid College?

It's an art school, basically.

Oh, I went to

just a little school in Nebulon.

Oh, you went to a Nebulon state?

No.

I went to

the Ivy League.

This is so embarrassing.

But I went to

Nebulaton?

Yeah.

Why wouldn't you say you went to Nebulaton instead of, oh, I went to school in Nebula?

I don't want to sound pretentious,

but I went to Nebulaton.

But see, Bruce,

that makes us then have to guess where you went to droid college rather than just saying I was went to Nebulon State, and they're very happy about their decision.

Everybody who went to Nebulon State is happy they went to Nebulon State.

Can I just say it seems like a little weird?

It seems like a little weird to like have like a rivalry between schools when like droid college is just like a like a drive you stick in your

It was four of the happiest minutes of my existence

Bruce

What is this?

What the juck that cunny hair shamed me

It shamed you?

Yeah, it

shamed you

darn I should have let you know that we're all in cages now.

Look, I just want things to be beautiful, and when people won't allow me to make them beautiful, I force them into being beautiful.

But I am beautiful.

What?

I'm beautiful.

No matter what you say.

Words can't bring her down.

Keep going, see, I really dig this.

Hey, Bruce.

This free word association.

Wait, I've never encountered self-confidence before.

I am beautiful in every single way.

No, you're not.

You need me.

You need me.

Don't bring me down.

No, you're not going to be ugly, ugly.

Don't you bring me down today.

No, we're beautiful no matter what.

We didn't need you.

Ew.

This is so stupid that this is what's bringing me down.

But the

subjectivity of beauty?

Yes!

I set the standard with my magazine!

Phil Con Book!

Phil Convoke Phil Con?

Vogue Phil Con?

Yeah, Vogue Phil Con.

Oh, yeah.

Alright, fine.

I'm taking your cages back.

Really?

Yeah, go do your thing.

And go ahead, all you Phils and all you stupid, stupid connies, go make drab, drab clothes.

Have a big jucking time with it.

We're free!

Oh man!

I can't wait to get beige back on me.

Get all that beige back on.

Oh, these sandals feel amazing with socks.

Oh, just slip right into these sandals and socks.

I'm gonna put this bag in front of myself and call it a finé pack.

At least wear it, ironically, not sincerely.

No!

All right, see if I feel like we should probably go.

Hey, Bar here.

Take these stupid uniforms.

Oh,

with pleasure.

Okay, sure, we'll do.

All right, Bargie, open the hatch, I guess.

Bruce, listen, I'm

sorry we sort of blew your mind with the idea that your sense of fashion doesn't apply to the rest of the galaxy.

Oh, it's stupid.

Yeah, I know, it is.

It is.

It is.

Also,

you might be comfortable,

but you look like real trash.

All right, you look like nasty nasty dust snorting trash!

Sure.

Land in the jucking gutter!

So, if you're cool with that,

goodbye.

Okay.

Bruce, before we leave, can I ask?

Do you really think I would look over things?

I've never thought anything more deeply in my life.

Thank you, Bruce.

Wow.

Hey, well,

so long, Phil Con!

Bye.

I'm the Phil that says goodbye to dignitaries when they come.

Glad to give you a purpose, Phil.

Yay!

Pleck, just come out.

Oh, I can't do it.

I just can't.

I feel like this is a huge mistake.

In what?

Yeah.

Well, when I got in here, the hair on the left side of my head started doing something to the hair on the right side of my head.

And I don't, I feel it like something's happening and I don't understand it.

I don't like it.

Is your

hair chucking, Ambassador Texetter?

Yeah.

I think so.

I'm sad that, like, that like s a part of my body is losing its rigidity and it's not me.

Alright, I'm coming out.

Oh!

Oh, my God.

Sorry.

Ambassador Dixon.

What your hair has done to itself is

very unsettling.

It's because now the front part of your hair is very short,

and the back part is very long.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, you know, maybe it's like diplomacy up front, Ranga Six in the rear.

No.

I have a suspicion that it is Ranga Six all the way around.

That's our selling scale.

C-Red IT5, credits and attribution story, commencing outro protocol.

Ambassador Pleck Deck Center was played by Alden Ford.

C-53 was played by Jeremy Benn.

Security Officer Dar was played by Ali Kokesh.

Bargie the Ship and Connie in the Cage, as well as all of the Connie's, played by Mujan Zalfagari.

Junior Missions Operations Manager Nervi Bundeloy and Phil dragging stuff back from the cage, as well as half of the Phils, played by Seth Lind.

Cloak Light Infantry Nomadic Troopers in the Six Inch Heels and Phil in the Cage, as well as Brother Phils, played by Winston Knoll.

Bruce was played by special guest Jeff Hiller.

Jeff has been seen on fun shows like Broad City, Difficult People, and currently on the pop sitcom Nightcap.

He performs at the UCB Theater in New York with the curve and Rumble Teaser.

Follow him on Twitter at Boom BoomHiller.

This episode is recorded live at Caveat in New York City.

Check out all their great shows at caveat.nyc.

Recording live sound effects and mix by the amazing Shane O'Connell.

This episode edited by Alden Ford and Seth Lint.

Sure, why not?

Music by Brendan Ryan.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Ship design for the Margarian Jade by Eric Boyce.

Mission to Zix is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom.

Thanks, Audioboom.

Our website is mission2zix.space, where you can contact the crew, buy merch, and waste time reading our bios.

Toot, toot, toot.

Have a great night, guys.

Thanks so much for coming.

It was so much fun to have you guys here for this.

We're going to be sitting around and drinking with you.

Buy a t-shirt or a koozie and hang out with us.

Have a great night.