202: The New Norm [ft. Dru Johnston]

Transcript

Speaker 1 It is a period of civil war.

Speaker 4 The rebellion against the sinister and corrupt Federated Alliance grows stronger, and the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance.

Speaker 4 Now, rebel emissary Pleck Dexeta and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

Speaker 3 This

Speaker 6 is mission to

Speaker 6 zero.

Speaker 6 Hey, Nermit.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 9 How's your tail?

Speaker 11 It's obviously gone.

Speaker 9 No, I mean, like, I was gonna say, how's your butt, but that's.

Speaker 4 I should look.

Speaker 5 Oh, wow.

Speaker 11 Can you see it? There's a tiny little spur.

Speaker 14 Yeah, a little bud out. Little bud.

Speaker 11 Little nub popping.

Speaker 9 Yeah, you could call it a nub nub.

Speaker 9 Nub nub up front. Num nub.
Num nub. Num nub up front.
Nub nub in the back. Nub numb in the back.
Yeah, don't actually do that.

Speaker 16 Okay,

Speaker 16 I think Bargie and I finally got Bino back to sleep.

Speaker 6 Oh, good now.

Speaker 17 I'm gonna be flying very gently so the Bino won't have any reason to wake up and

Speaker 18 exist.

Speaker 9 Thanks, Bargie.

Speaker 19 Yep.

Speaker 17 I'm also still running on dirt. Just letting reminding everybody.

Speaker 9 Oh boy. Yeah, we need to find him.

Speaker 16 Well, is there anything we can do with any of these extra parts?

Speaker 9 I mean, I don't know. C-53, can you like fashion those parts into some sort of like fuel maker?

Speaker 18 What do I look like to you?

Speaker 21 Well, I don't know.

Speaker 9 I just thought maybe you know machines, so

Speaker 22 do you hear that? What did

Speaker 18 you think? Sort of a deep buzz.

Speaker 24 Yeah, but

Speaker 11 this is maybe personal, but did you leave out a

Speaker 9 an item?

Speaker 16 Like a no, that that vibration is way too weak to be one of my many many toys.

Speaker 20 Okay, all right, sure, sure.

Speaker 18 Uh, let's see, let's just uh dig through oh

Speaker 9 guys, it's it's a communicator.

Speaker 9 Wait, is this Hark Tardagast's pager from the pile of parts?

Speaker 16 Yeah, that's when he deemed it useless and tossed it out of his ship.

Speaker 9 No, I think I think this is like getting a communication right now.

Speaker 14 Oh,

Speaker 9 I don't know. Does C53, do you know how to work one of these? I haven't seen one of these.

Speaker 9 Yes, yes, it has one

Speaker 11 machines. It has one button.

Speaker 9 Who is Sisu?

Speaker 18 Sisu Gundu, one of the leaders of the Rebellion.

Speaker 22 Cool.

Speaker 16 Um, and they play trivia.

Speaker 9 Yeah, I guess so.

Speaker 20 Park,

Speaker 32 Okay, bye. End of message.

Speaker 31 I think you're seeing.

Speaker 8 Where are you?

Speaker 33 Okay?

Speaker 32 Trivia night is at 30 minutes, and none of us know anything about sports, okay? Also, I hope the Florn thing went well. Better see you in 30 minutes.

Speaker 18 End of message. Wow.
Is everyone ignoring the fact that Clark Tardegast had a mission in in the Florence Edwards?

Speaker 9 Yeah, I mean, he mentioned something like that, I think, before he took off, didn't he?

Speaker 11 Oh, yeah, he was going to meet with a crime lord.

Speaker 32 Well, guess who lost trivia tonight?

Speaker 22 Oh, no. Oh, no.

Speaker 19 Surreal?

Speaker 9 Okay, I think we're good. I think we're good.
I think we got most of the information we needed.

Speaker 8 We're all drunk, and we're all celebrating me.

Speaker 1 Louisa! This is still something happening.

Speaker 16 Do we really think it's about trivia? Or did they hook up?

Speaker 9 Yeah, I don't know. This seems like it goes a little deeper.

Speaker 9 Hager has a lot of data storage.

Speaker 9 Was she just saying the coordinates?

Speaker 18 Yeah, they're slurred a little bit, but I think I can translate them.

Speaker 18 Yep, this checks out. This is

Speaker 13 we can do the rebel mission ourselves as rebels.

Speaker 6 Us?

Speaker 9 I mean, C-53, is this safe for us to go to a flunky? No.

Speaker 18 The Flung Zone is notoriously very dangerous. Sure, but

Speaker 18 crime lords have very little tolerance for interlopers.

Speaker 17 Yeah, I've I. My movies don't do well there.
It's all criminals. Criminals don't like sweet, sweet, boshy films.
I'm just saying.

Speaker 9 Didn't you do movies about being a criminal, though?

Speaker 17 Yeah, they said it wasn't authentic enough.

Speaker 34 They're very...

Speaker 17 I don't know. I tried planet of criminals.

Speaker 9 C53, aren't Flarns like a gelatinous, I mean, what, like two-ton monster? I mean, on average.

Speaker 16 Guys, you just don't agree. I'm a big deal in Flarn.

Speaker 19 Really? Really?

Speaker 9 From your smuggling days.

Speaker 22 Well, yeah,

Speaker 16 the leader, uh, Tarrit Kostebi, he loves me.

Speaker 9 You know, Tarrett Kostebi? I do. I always thought he was like a larger-than-life mob boss cliche of the business.
Oh, he is.

Speaker 16 And let me tell you, we're very good friends. I used to run campaign after campaign after campaign for this guy.
And I'll tell you, he was he was always happy with the work I did. Wow.

Speaker 16 I'm treated like a king when I visit Florin.

Speaker 11 So we have our ticket in.

Speaker 28 I mean, yeah, I guess.

Speaker 22 Did we? Did we?

Speaker 11 I don't know.

Speaker 16 There's no danger. I've been on vacations with Tarrot.
I've seen him in a two-piece.

Speaker 14 Wow.

Speaker 9 That feels like at least one piece too many.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Interesting.

Speaker 9 Well, guys, listen, if we're gonna go, I should probably

Speaker 9 consult the space just to see if there's.

Speaker 21 okay.

Speaker 37 What?

Speaker 31 Oh, no, no, go.

Speaker 16 We love watching the ritual.

Speaker 11 I'm just gonna take your woodsaber. We were holding this window open with it.

Speaker 35 Oh, the shade.

Speaker 22 Okay.

Speaker 9 Guys, listen, there's no reason to make a big deal about it.

Speaker 9 I'm just gonna reach out with my feelings a little bit and just make sure that, like, there's nothing we should be, you know, worried about going.

Speaker 19 Okay. All right.

Speaker 19 Oh. Oh.

Speaker 9 I'm a little hungry, but other than that, I think I'm feeling pretty good.

Speaker 31 Okay.

Speaker 9 Bino, hey, listen, can you wait till we get back from the mission, buddy?

Speaker 23 Bino, no can wait.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 35 Oh, jeez, Bino.

Speaker 11 How about this, Bino? We're going into the Flarin zone, and we're gonna get Bino some food.

Speaker 38 Beano want all the food. Beano hungy.

Speaker 9 Okay, listen, Bino, we'll pick you up something, okay?

Speaker 12 Okay,

Speaker 12 do it for Bino.

Speaker 22 Should we head in?

Speaker 16 Oh, we already

Speaker 16 started heading towards Flarn when we were doing my ritual ritual.

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 9 You know, it's supposed to be, we're sort of supposed to be at like impulse zero for that.

Speaker 18 Yeah, that's probably what messed it up.

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 22 Order! Order!

Speaker 1 The Council of Copristanian has something he wishes to bring to the table. Now,

Speaker 1 for some reason, it's been increasingly difficult to fill some positions in the venerable and just Federated Alliance.

Speaker 2 For the life of me, I don't know why.

Speaker 1 The Alliance is so utterly benevolent, and these positions, such as Associate Suction Technician, Commissary Garfon Wrangler, or trench grunt, are by all measures dream jobs.

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Speaker 5 That's right.

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Speaker 16 Uh Ross, what are you doing in here by yourself? The sensors have turned off all the lights.

Speaker 29 Jeremy, are you getting enough oxygen in there?

Speaker 11 I mean, I can use it, like, if you can unzip this a little.

Speaker 3 Thanks for carrying that.

Speaker 9 I mean, you're really only supposed to unzip that for, like, to reach in, because otherwise you might escape.

Speaker 30 That's a worry for a pet.

Speaker 21 Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 16 Oh, hey,

Speaker 16 you must recognize me.

Speaker 27 Give me a crude.

Speaker 14 Oh, give me all the crude you got.

Speaker 16 I know, looking at me, you remember me as like a really big shot.

Speaker 6 I don't know who you are.

Speaker 19 Everybody, give me a croon.

Speaker 16 Wait, hold on.

Speaker 21 Of course, you know who I am.

Speaker 19 Open up the bag. Give me what's in the bag.

Speaker 9 No, that's all there's in there.

Speaker 9 Our boss is sort of in there.

Speaker 9 Hey, listen, sorry, I don't have any croon on me, so you're just gonna have to.

Speaker 22 You got a croon card?

Speaker 14 I'll take croon cards.

Speaker 9 You'll take you're gonna charge us?

Speaker 19 Yeah, I got my machine.

Speaker 9 You packages. You're a mugger who accepts chip cards?

Speaker 19 Yeah.

Speaker 31 I guess for us, the question is: why would we do this?

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 19 No one's

Speaker 19 you

Speaker 6 No one's really ask asked me that but but before it's okay here here take this take take this crew

Speaker 19 Thank you. I mean I mean uh

Speaker 39 I hate you I hate you all

Speaker 40 Wow, that was

Speaker 31 far space is I guess not as tough as I remember it being no no no it's super tough.

Speaker 21 That was a fluke that didn't know, didn't know who I was.

Speaker 9 Yeah, I was sorry, she didn't really recognize you.

Speaker 26 Well, perhaps we should find our way to the terraced

Speaker 31 palace.

Speaker 27 Yes, let's do it.

Speaker 9 Is it this

Speaker 9 enormous palace in the center of the city?

Speaker 21 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 16 I mean, that's exactly where we're headed.

Speaker 16 Ah,

Speaker 16 hello.

Speaker 41 Oh, announce yourselves.

Speaker 21 Who are you?

Speaker 9 Yeah, I'm Plek Dexetter. This is C53 and Dar.

Speaker 16 Oh, and you may not know me as Dar here. You may know me by another name.

Speaker 37 What?

Speaker 16 Norm?

Speaker 41 Norm?

Speaker 14 Yeah, Norm.

Speaker 41 No one here knows a Norm.

Speaker 16 Um, if we could just see Tarrot, I feel like we would, you know, clear up all this confusion.

Speaker 41 No one speaks to Tarik unless they speak through me.

Speaker 41 I am the eyes and ears of the Flarn

Speaker 9 so Tarik Kostebi is inside.

Speaker 37 Tarik

Speaker 41 Tarik Kostebi is inside, yes.

Speaker 16 But Tarrot Kostebi. What? Tarrot Kostebi.

Speaker 9 Who is Tarik Kostebi?

Speaker 41 Tarik Kostebi is Tarrit's little brother.

Speaker 41 So what happened to Tarrit Kostebi? He was eaten.

Speaker 6 Oh man.

Speaker 11 What can he eat a Flarn?

Speaker 41 What can he eat

Speaker 27 Oh, yeah, a bigger fly.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow.

Speaker 16 So

Speaker 13 his little brother is bigger.

Speaker 41 Oh, that's how it is.

Speaker 9 Listen, uh, if we could just talk to uh to Tarik, uh, we can explain everything. We're just here to get away from the.

Speaker 41 I don't know if you know this, but I'm I'm kind of his right-hand man, so you can tell me everything you need to tell him and I'll let him know.

Speaker 16 Oh, great. Um, and I'm sure you would have known about me because if you're so high up, you have known Tarot and all the.

Speaker 41 Oh, wait a second. I remember a norm.

Speaker 41 Great. Did you go to Eastside, Class of

Speaker 16 I'm known for being a crime assistant?

Speaker 41 Norm, you were at Eastside in Class of 4052. You were the one who couldn't finish a hot dog.

Speaker 41 You tried to eat a hot dog.

Speaker 25 That's what you remember about me.

Speaker 22 ship?

Speaker 41 Oh, sure, sure. Oh, yeah, that ship that broke immediately.
Oh, you guys are with Norm?

Speaker 28 Norm sucks.

Speaker 19 We actually don't know a Norm.

Speaker 14 Yes.

Speaker 41 What's your name now?

Speaker 16 I answer to Dar now.

Speaker 7 Hmm.

Speaker 41 It's not a good name.

Speaker 9 Listen, sorry, what's your name?

Speaker 41 I'm Garrett.

Speaker 9 Garrett.

Speaker 14 Cool.

Speaker 16 Oh, Garrett Hornberger.

Speaker 20 That's right.

Speaker 9 Garrett, can we please just talk to Tarek?

Speaker 41 You want to speak to Tarek?

Speaker 9 Yeah, that's sort of the whole point.

Speaker 41 I should let you know he does not speak your native tongue.

Speaker 16 That's he doesn't speak regular?

Speaker 41 He doesn't speak reg.

Speaker 41 He only speaks weird.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 40 That's.

Speaker 9 Can we just come in? Is that

Speaker 9 me?

Speaker 4 I think I can.

Speaker 30 Okay, sure. Yeah.

Speaker 31 Garrett? Yeah.

Speaker 13 Oh, what is this?

Speaker 11 I manage this team. My name is former Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundaloy.

Speaker 41 Did they name you Junior because of your size?

Speaker 11 No, and it's not my title anymore.

Speaker 14 No.

Speaker 40 You know, Nermit's size left it out.

Speaker 11 I'm still a manager. You might know Hark Targna Gas, who indicated that there aren't even Junior Missions Operations Managers in the Rebellion, just missions operations managers.

Speaker 11 The whole point is, we are a serious team. We just got off the Bargerian Jade, and there's an annoying bean on there, and we're here to meet Tarek, okay?

Speaker 11 And we might have something to do with the Rebellion.

Speaker 22 Hark, Nermit, Nermit.

Speaker 11 What, guys, this is going really well.

Speaker 9 You know, Nermit, I should probably just run you back to Bargie.

Speaker 5 Just real quick.

Speaker 9 You and Bino can hang out while we just do the mission. Come on.
I feel like it kind of blew up our spot. I'll stay in the bag.

Speaker 41 Listen, Junior. No.
If you want to speak to Tarek,

Speaker 41 come on in.

Speaker 41 But I don't think you'll like what you hear.

Speaker 27 I'll take our chances.

Speaker 16 I feel like if anyone's gonna

Speaker 16 know who I am, it's Tarek.

Speaker 36 Great.

Speaker 27 you ever meet Tarek?

Speaker 16 I don't honestly remember, but I'm sure probably remembers me.

Speaker 41 He was way cooler than Norm.

Speaker 9 Uh, listen, Garrett, um, I know that Tarek doesn't speak regular, but can he understand regular?

Speaker 41 No.

Speaker 30 Well, who would you think that he would be able to understand regular?

Speaker 9 No, I don't know, just because, like, we all speak regular.

Speaker 30 Like, obviously, there are aliens who don't, but like, whatever language he speaks is so complex that my auto-translator can't get a beat on it.

Speaker 30 We sort of have to go through you both to understand him and for him to understand us.

Speaker 41 I am the tongue. I am the tongue of Tarek.

Speaker 30 I thought you said you were the eyes and ears.

Speaker 41 Yeah, I'm all of the senses. I'm the tongue, I'm the eyes, I'm the ears.

Speaker 9 Why would you need a translator for to see stuff?

Speaker 26 Are you his nose as well?

Speaker 20 I could be.

Speaker 16 Can you ask Terek if he remembers Norm?

Speaker 7 Okay, yeah.

Speaker 41 Yes,

Speaker 41 I can do that, Norm. Great.

Speaker 37 Terek.

Speaker 41 Little Norm. Sataka.

Speaker 28 Little Norm?

Speaker 7 Norm?

Speaker 41 Nah, he doesn't remember a Norm.

Speaker 16 Ask him if he remembers the norm who couldn't finish a hot dog.

Speaker 41 Ah, yes, he remembers you well.

Speaker 22 Listen, uh, Tari, can I talk to you over here for you? Yeah.

Speaker 16 I don't feel like I'm earning us any kind of capital here.

Speaker 22 Dart, I thought you said you ran a bunch of campaigns for this guy.

Speaker 16 I did. I was the campaign master.

Speaker 42 I ran such sick campaigns.

Speaker 16 I was so jucking clever. I never repeated the same move twice.

Speaker 6 Darn, we thought you were talking about military campaigns, not role-playing games.

Speaker 16 No, I knew Territ when I was young.

Speaker 13 I wasn't ready to be.

Speaker 13 How young?

Speaker 22 Like middle school.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 9 But you said you stole a ship for Tarrit.

Speaker 16 It was actually a model ship, and we built it together.

Speaker 6 Oh, no.

Speaker 7 Dar.

Speaker 7 Lindo Fatu.

Speaker 36 Come back over here.

Speaker 2 Okay, yeah, sure.

Speaker 41 I don't know if you heard what Tarik just said.

Speaker 16 I mean, we have heard it, but we didn't understand it.

Speaker 9 Yeah, we don't speak

Speaker 41 Ah, yes, the native tongue of the Flarn. We speak weird.

Speaker 41 What he just wanted you to know was that if you have anything you want to say to him, you can say it to me.

Speaker 40 Is that yes, for sure? What he said?

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 41 Oh, yeah. He said,

Speaker 41 I trust you, Garrett.

Speaker 7 Huh, hmm. Okay.

Speaker 9 Seems like something you wouldn't say to someone you trusted. No, no.
You've known him for years.

Speaker 11 Why is he still saying that to you?

Speaker 41 No, but he.

Speaker 41 Okay, well, what do you want to say to him? I'll let him know what's going on.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 5 Yeah, alright.

Speaker 9 Let's see. Mighty Terek.

Speaker 36 Mighty Terek Terek.

Speaker 9 No, just you can probably just wait until I'm done and just say the whole thing.

Speaker 40 No, don't say that. No, stop.

Speaker 9 Don't say that part.

Speaker 9 I'm just telling you, Garrett, you can wait until I'm done with my sentence before you say the whole thing.

Speaker 28 It's going to be harder for you.

Speaker 41 Garrett.

Speaker 40 Maybe it is. Maybe it is.

Speaker 6 Okay, fine.

Speaker 9 Mighty Terek.

Speaker 20 Oh, stop.

Speaker 28 Why is he gonna say stuff?

Speaker 9 Because I feel like we're never gonna get anywhere if you guys.

Speaker 41 What's up?

Speaker 21 Fine.

Speaker 36 Isaac.

Speaker 2 Mighty Terek.

Speaker 13 Is he speaking Jontawa now?

Speaker 9 I thought he was speaking weird. Does he speak Jontawa?

Speaker 21 What?

Speaker 31 Do not attempt to address it.

Speaker 6 Don't speak it.

Speaker 9 Mighty Tarek,

Speaker 15 we are here

Speaker 9 as ambassadors for the rebellion against the Federated Alliance.

Speaker 9 We seek a rebel pilot known as Hark Tardagast,

Speaker 9 who came to your planet to plead with you for information and or supplies in our fight against the Alliance.

Speaker 9 If you can take us to him, we will be forever grateful to you.

Speaker 9 We have a shared interest, you and I, Tarek.

Speaker 41 He says you're taking a long time.

Speaker 9 I'm ch were you translating what I was saying to him because I feel like

Speaker 9 what?

Speaker 41 Oh, hello, Junior.

Speaker 41 Yes, yes. We were just remembering how funny the hot dog moment was.

Speaker 25 Give me a hot dog right now.

Speaker 16 I'll finish a hot dog right now.

Speaker 39 I'll finish 89 hot dogs right now.

Speaker 30 Let's not go crazy.

Speaker 9 Darrell,

Speaker 16 I'm not sure. I'm proving this to you.

Speaker 25 I'm proving this to you.

Speaker 42 Sure. Proving this to you.

Speaker 16 Give me the 89 hot dog.

Speaker 41 Karek.

Speaker 41 Asakoro norm makasato ai da Oscarmaya 87.

Speaker 28 Wait, wait, wait, hold on a second.

Speaker 2 Hold on.

Speaker 40 I just want to

Speaker 40 say,

Speaker 9 is Florin language for 89 87?

Speaker 41 Yes. Weird? Okay, so in regular, when you say 89 and you translate it into weird,

Speaker 41 that is 87.

Speaker 9 That's what I just asked.

Speaker 6 I do not understand how this works.

Speaker 16 I'll take those.

Speaker 31 Dar, let's think about what we're doing before we do it.

Speaker 9 Yeah, really, you just need to eat one, right?

Speaker 16 No, I'm gonna eat 101 of these now.

Speaker 6 That's a lot of hot dogs.

Speaker 9 Yeah, wait, can I just ask Garrett,

Speaker 9 When Dar failed to eat a whole hot dog, how many hot dogs had Dar eaten at that point?

Speaker 41 At that point? Yes. 132.

Speaker 9 Well, okay. Okay, I'm very confused.
I mean, if she'd already eaten.

Speaker 41 Why are you here?

Speaker 9 I tried to explain that, and you told me I was taking too long.

Speaker 2 Quinoa, farmo.

Speaker 41 Ah, so quinoa.

Speaker 6 Bubble, beep-bop, hark, tardagast.

Speaker 19 Ah!

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, no.

Speaker 9 Was he, did he just say hark tardegast?

Speaker 40 No.

Speaker 27 We didn't say hardagasta.

Speaker 35 It sounded like Harkash.

Speaker 41 It sounded like that, but he was just reminding me about we watched a movie last night and I said a really funny one-liner.

Speaker 16 What was the one-liner? What?

Speaker 16 What was the funny one-liner that you were just talking about?

Speaker 41 Look, I don't know what you're here for, but Hark Tardagast is not here.

Speaker 41 And there's no looking for him.

Speaker 11 Okay. In the absence of Hark, we'll act in his stead as emissaries to establish a connection between Tarek

Speaker 11 and the Rebellion.

Speaker 9 Listen, Garrett, what Hark was going to come here to tell you is that the Rebellion hates the alliance as much as you do. So, if there's a way we could work together, maybe we could figure this out.

Speaker 41 I'll let him know.

Speaker 37 Tarek

Speaker 41 Jakon Chon Chango Kinwa A Sogoto Federated Alliance

Speaker 41 at a heart-tart against the Rebellia.

Speaker 41 He said he's interested.

Speaker 5 Really?

Speaker 41 If you are fighting against the Federated Alliance as hard as we are,

Speaker 9 great. Yeah, cool.

Speaker 9 So, um, you know, listen, this is sort of not really my jurisdiction, but I would say, like, if you got any extra guns or, like, maybe some, like, stealth ships you could spare, we could probably take those.

Speaker 9 You definitely were not. You were definitely referring to Dar eating hot dogs and not to what I just said to you.

Speaker 41 No

Speaker 41 the mighty Tarik has a proposal for you.

Speaker 41 Okay, we'll get you what you want,

Speaker 41 but the one we know is norm, you'll have to engage in a hot dog eating contest.

Speaker 16 But that already started. You brought out hot dogs for me to start eating.

Speaker 41 No, the hot dog timer hasn't started yet.

Speaker 16 But I started eating them as soon as they brought them out.

Speaker 11 None of those count?

Speaker 43 None of these are

Speaker 6 50 hot dogs either.

Speaker 41 No, they do not count.

Speaker 23 And greetings from the very edge of the sooty festive land of Shinasha.

Speaker 23 Gather around, will you?

Speaker 28 And I'll tell you a story.

Speaker 23 I'm no rip Ciso, but I'll do my best. This is a tale called Shameless Begging.

Speaker 23 Once upon a time, there was a mysterious series of recordings about an alliance ambassador turned rebel emissary and his heroic crew.

Speaker 23 Now, the audience of these recordings were famously attractive and intelligent.

Speaker 23 But some of them, they became woefully addicted to the recordings and and wanted to hear from this crew more than weekly.

Speaker 23 Lucky for them, they could receive more communications on social media, Instagram, Telegram, Spacebook, and Twitter.

Speaker 6 Where the crew's handle was at mission2Z.

Speaker 23 They're thirsty geniuses, like, oh, well, like you even, perhaps, could see fan art, photographs from recordings, free-wing announcements, messages from individual crew members, and like really good stuff.

Speaker 23 And the people who followed, they became incredibly happy.

Speaker 23 And some of them, dare we say, the best ones, they even logged onto something called iTunes, which I think is where droids get their visual sensors fixed.

Speaker 23 Anyway, on iTunes, these people left reviews of the audio recordings, which the legend has it helped with some sort of algorithm that led even more people to find, enjoy, and become addicted to the recordings, then in a quest for even more follow-up and admission to Zix.

Speaker 39 Yeah.

Speaker 21 Did you like the story? I thought it was pretty good.

Speaker 20 I mean, not perfect, but

Speaker 20 gravity is

Speaker 20 running all the way.

Speaker 20 Attention

Speaker 20 fly!

Speaker 20 As you know,

Speaker 20 I am Garrett, the eyes, ears, tongue, nose

Speaker 20 for the the mighty Terra.

Speaker 20 He says, That's right.

Speaker 20 I am here with a wonderful entertainment:

Speaker 20 a hot dog eating contember, Norm

Speaker 20 is here to eat

Speaker 20 a hundred and twenty hot dogs.

Speaker 16 I mean, I already ate fifty hot dogs.

Speaker 5 No,

Speaker 38 no,

Speaker 41 irrelevant.

Speaker 41 If Norm can eat the hot dogs,

Speaker 41 we will give them the resources they require.

Speaker 41 If not,

Speaker 41 we will

Speaker 41 shame them

Speaker 41 could be worse.

Speaker 41 And now I will say all of that in weird.

Speaker 9 No, it's not

Speaker 9 necessary.

Speaker 9 And

Speaker 9 eighty-two Asukadaya.

Speaker 30 It's just, it has no mathematical basis to change between

Speaker 16 Oh, I should start?

Speaker 26 Okay, um Dar, are you confident you can eat this many hypos?

Speaker 16 Yeah, I'm very confident I'm gonna rush my hydrogen.

Speaker 9 Listen, Dar, I mean, you're like 50%

Speaker 11 empty space, right?

Speaker 9 Like, I just don't want you to hurt you.

Speaker 16 Empty space is not really made for food, though.

Speaker 11 I'm glad they let us all sit at this picnic table with you.

Speaker 25 It's nice.

Speaker 16 Well, I really probably shouldn't have been talking to you while I'm trying to.

Speaker 36 Yeah, you get to get to eat them.

Speaker 36 I mean, you can all keep talking amongst ourselves.

Speaker 6 Yeah, we weren't sure if that distracts you or.

Speaker 16 No, it's actually calming me down a little bit.

Speaker 9 Well, you know, it's interesting that a hot dog competition is just a one-person

Speaker 9 they didn't want to challenge her or anything like that.

Speaker 26 Yeah, usually a competition implies, you know, people striving against one another.

Speaker 6 But this is man versus nature.

Speaker 9 Nature, hot dog is nature in that case?

Speaker 29 Yeah, it's a fungus.

Speaker 14 Oh, right.

Speaker 14 Attention!

Speaker 14 I forgot to introduce the channel!

Speaker 14 Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 25 Does that mean none of the hot dogs I just ate count?

Speaker 28 No.

Speaker 26 Wow, this seems egregious.

Speaker 31 None of those

Speaker 38 17 hot dogs you ate counted.

Speaker 36 Let me translate.

Speaker 23 42 Askabaya.

Speaker 7 17?

Speaker 11 Is it just a coincidence of sounds? It's not.

Speaker 38 And now, introducing the challenger.

Speaker 13 I should explain the rules.

Speaker 41 You have to eat hot dogs faster than this challenger.

Speaker 43 Those are the rules.

Speaker 9 Output transcript.

Speaker 9 One rule. It's just one rule.

Speaker 16 The challenger's a vacuum.

Speaker 41 Don't spoil it. We're about to wheel it out.

Speaker 26 Hot dog shaped input.

Speaker 7 Hello. Nice to meet you.

Speaker 7 My name is Gorm.

Speaker 7 Gorm? I'm

Speaker 40 doing this every Sunday.

Speaker 19 I'm ready.

Speaker 1 Gorm, you're a vacuum species?

Speaker 12 I'm ready. Okay.

Speaker 12 Ah,

Speaker 13 the hot dog eating contest between Norm and Gorm.

Speaker 31 That's

Speaker 31 a wonderful contest.

Speaker 31 Little Norm

Speaker 31 and Big Gorn.

Speaker 31 And your mother.

Speaker 42 Arguably, I'm much bigger than you.

Speaker 19 Gonna turn on.

Speaker 19 Eat.

Speaker 19 Norm, norm, norm, norm.

Speaker 2 Norm, norm, norm, norm, norm, norm, norm.

Speaker 6 Why do you say norm?

Speaker 40 Norm. Why don't you say norm?

Speaker 43 Why don't you say gorm?

Speaker 6 I don't know what, maybe distracted at some point.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 39 How far behind am I right now?

Speaker 6 I don't think about that.

Speaker 36 I don't think about that.

Speaker 39 How many hot dogs has the vacuum sucked up?

Speaker 16 Hard to count.

Speaker 44 You know, just eyeballing it like half.

Speaker 16 I need you to actually move a little tighter around me right now. Okay.

Speaker 2 Okay. All right.
Yep. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 16 Can anyone see me?

Speaker 30 I think so.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 7 Oh, wow.

Speaker 3 Oh.

Speaker 9 This is strategy. Very good strategy.

Speaker 29 I don't know if that case is eating the hot dogs.

Speaker 16 I don't think it does either, but we need to get them out of the way.

Speaker 29 Yeah, that's a fair point.

Speaker 7 No.

Speaker 7 Dar, you only have one more.

Speaker 7 I can't.

Speaker 22 I can't. You have to.

Speaker 43 I can't.

Speaker 9 Dar, this is exactly what happened last time. You have one extra hot dog, and you can't get it in.

Speaker 39 No, him filled with hot dogs.

Speaker 7 Norm is almost done with the odd dog.

Speaker 39 I am more hot dog than Dar right now.

Speaker 9 Guys,

Speaker 11 step aside.

Speaker 9 No, Nerman, you can't.

Speaker 13 Yes, I can do it.

Speaker 11 I can do it.

Speaker 13 If you help me lift it, it's like 65%.

Speaker 13 Help me lift it. I can eat it.

Speaker 6 You could easily eat this hot dog.

Speaker 11 I have to do it. I just know.
I got to.

Speaker 43 Oh, my God.

Speaker 30 Oh, that's much lighter than it.

Speaker 26 His species jaw is supposed to go.

Speaker 30 It might it might never go back to its original size

Speaker 6 Just gonna tap it in

Speaker 40 Just a little bit of hot dog coming out of his tail now

Speaker 39 I finished now please help the rebound

Speaker 33 I'm just gonna go vacuum the rest of this place.

Speaker 37 Carmen, what happened?

Speaker 12 I don't know. I thought we had it in the bath.

Speaker 36 I can't let this loser

Speaker 12 outshine me.

Speaker 36 I'm cooler than this

Speaker 4 little.

Speaker 40 Yeah, Garrett,

Speaker 9 you're still talking into the microphone.

Speaker 6 Oh, shoot.

Speaker 31 Oh, no, wait.

Speaker 5 How do I turn it off?

Speaker 9 Just step away from the microphone. Just put it away from your face.

Speaker 41 No, no.

Speaker 41 I.

Speaker 36 Tarek?

Speaker 6 Oh no!

Speaker 44 Alright, I've been running a translation protocol for the last 20 minutes or so, and I've managed to synthesize my own Florid translation app.

Speaker 14 What, really?

Speaker 26 Yeah, let me just turn it on now and see. Uh, Tarik?

Speaker 8 Yes. Oh, okay.

Speaker 9 Oh, it's running now.

Speaker 19 Well, the music is still on.

Speaker 5 I know.

Speaker 41 I know that.

Speaker 26 Yeah, Dar, if you want to talk to Tarek, this translation app seems to be working reasonably well.

Speaker 16 Hey, Tarek.

Speaker 6 Oh, hey, Norm.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 19 Yeah, I remember you.

Speaker 6 You hung out with my geeky brother.

Speaker 16 I don't remember him being geeky.

Speaker 21 I just remember

Speaker 5 pretty geeky.

Speaker 16 I just remember him having a really really beautiful imagination.

Speaker 16 Yeah, I guess so.

Speaker 19 I'm glad you're here. I'm not really sure why we're doing this hot dog thing.

Speaker 6 It was not.

Speaker 9 You demanded a hot dog contest.

Speaker 21 You didn't demand a hot dog eating contest and establish relations with the rebellion?

Speaker 19 I didn't.

Speaker 16 He made me.

Speaker 33 Garrett, wait, what?

Speaker 24 Garrett said that you demanded to enter a hot dog eating contest.

Speaker 41 Now, look, there seems to have been a minute confusion. Oh, this is a hot mic.

Speaker 38 There seems to have been a bit of confusion.

Speaker 41 This is what I remember happening: is that Almighty Tarek, you said

Speaker 39 that you

Speaker 41 would like to see a hot dog eating contest.

Speaker 29 That's not what I said, Garrett.

Speaker 5 But come on, right?

Speaker 9 Come on.

Speaker 9 At this point, Garrett, just turn the mic off. You don't need to.
No!

Speaker 24 Leave it on, Garrett, because I want everyone to hear your screams

Speaker 6 when I hear you!

Speaker 20 That was sucking disgusting.

Speaker 24 Those are the digestive juices, Garrett.

Speaker 33 This is like a zoo-beat

Speaker 33 slowly cooking meat. What is that? What word is that?

Speaker 24 I don't understand that word.

Speaker 33 I don't want to hear you translate to me anymore.

Speaker 9 At this point, whoever's running tech in this arena is it's on them

Speaker 24 listen I apologize

Speaker 24 the Florins we are anti-federated alliance

Speaker 9 but I'm not sure that we're probe rebellion what can I do to make it up to you what do you need you know actually honestly uh Tarek we could really use a little bit of gas for our ship Nermit has a pretty good idea of maybe some of the things we need if uh nermit you want to just tell the florin what we need

Speaker 24 I heard gas, so I'm giving you gas.

Speaker 9 Yeah, okay, yeah, I guess it. I guess gas is

Speaker 29 listen.

Speaker 6 Who knows? Maybe the Florence would join the.

Speaker 29 I mean, somebody helped it.

Speaker 16 Um, here, let me just.

Speaker 29 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 33 Oh, man, it's really coming out the other end.

Speaker 38 Not at all digestive.

Speaker 29 We're doing gas, so that's it. All right.

Speaker 24 Who knows? Maybe one day the Florence will aid the rebellion, but today is not not that day.

Speaker 40 Okay, yep, fair enough.

Speaker 9 All right, guys. Well, listen, thanks.
Tarek,

Speaker 9 appreciate that. Sorry to hear about your translator.

Speaker 12 I'm fine.

Speaker 15 Hey,

Speaker 9 hey, Bargie,

Speaker 9 I think we're good to go. You could probably just land in this big open arena.

Speaker 24 Oh, the Bargerians.

Speaker 6 Oh, wow.

Speaker 29 Everybody thought that the Bargerian Jade was kind of fake, but look at that.

Speaker 6 That's right. You all thought I couldn't be a criminal, but look at me now, huh? I got scars on my hole.
I'm bleeding out of oil, huh?

Speaker 34 Whoa, I got one teardrop tattooed underneath my windows. Yeah, did I kill someone?

Speaker 8 Did I kill someone?

Speaker 21 Did you kill someone, Bargy? No, it's not playing apart.

Speaker 40 I don't know what to do.

Speaker 17 Just ready to just take you all on.

Speaker 8 Love him.

Speaker 34 Fight me, everybody, fight me.

Speaker 31 Everyone, take out

Speaker 19 very well.

Speaker 18 Well, we are fueled up for the foreseeable future.

Speaker 9 Yeah, I guess so. Hey, listen, I gotta say, Dar and Nermit, you guys really took one for the team on this one.
I mean, Dar, you took a couple. You took more than a gross for the team.

Speaker 18 Nermit took literally one for the team.

Speaker 11 Right, but I have torn up from end to end.

Speaker 6 Oh, man.

Speaker 9 Nermit, I gotta say, you know, this is what it's like, man, being on the ship through the ringer. It's not your safe cubicle on the delegator anymore, right?

Speaker 11 Not at all. Although I was, you know, injured there a lot, too.

Speaker 9 Oh, that's true. Yeah,

Speaker 9 because you're very poorly treated. Yeah.
I will say say I was glad to visit that planet as a rebel, not as an alliance member, because woof, that would have been.

Speaker 11 Oh, that would have been rough.

Speaker 22 Yeah. We would have all been eaten.

Speaker 19 Yeah. They would have

Speaker 11 attacked Bargie more.

Speaker 18 Maybe about the same. Yeah.

Speaker 17 Yeah, it's pretty banged up.

Speaker 22 Are you okay, Bargie?

Speaker 17 Yeah, no one's really asked me. Thank you for so much.
We're the first person. No, I'm not okay.
What? Oh, no. A lot of things are wrong with me right now.

Speaker 17 What's broken? Oh, my son hasn't talked to me in a while.

Speaker 22 Oh, okay.

Speaker 16 This is emotional sound related.

Speaker 17 Sure.

Speaker 17 Yeah, but we got gas, so that's the thing.

Speaker 9 It was nice that they let us gas up even after attacking us for like 20 minutes. Yeah.

Speaker 9 But hey, Dar, listen.

Speaker 9 I know that.

Speaker 9 I know that Florin was not really how you represented it, but you really saved us back there, so thanks.

Speaker 16 Yeah, it's kind of.

Speaker 16 I think I'm okay with realizing that I was actually

Speaker 16 a huge nerd.

Speaker 18 I mean, yeah, join the club. Many young species go through an awkward phase where they're fascinated by

Speaker 18 imaginative pursuits of all kinds.

Speaker 17 Sometimes they make it a career and

Speaker 17 you know

Speaker 18 that would be an extremely poor planning. There's so little use for that kind of thing.

Speaker 18 Hmm.

Speaker 18 Oh no.

Speaker 17 Dar, it's your turn.

Speaker 16 Alright, I'm emptying my shoots.

Speaker 6 Whoa.

Speaker 6 Oh, beano eat hot dogs. Num, nom, nom.

Speaker 6 Aww.

Speaker 6 What

Speaker 38 beano only eat organic.

Speaker 38 Of course.

Speaker 9 Why do we have peanuts? Gotta love peanuts.

Speaker 9 This is C-Red IG-5 Credits and Attributions Droid commencing Outro Protocol.

Speaker 45 Emissary Plex Deck Center was played by Alden Ford. C-53 was played by Jeremy Bent.
The security officer, formerly known as Norm, was played by Ali Kokesh.

Speaker 45 Missions Operations Manager Nervit Bundeloy was played by Seth Lynn. Barging the Ship and Gorn the Hot Dog Vacuum were played by Mujan Selfigari.
Tarek Kostebi and Vino were played by Winston Knoll.

Speaker 45 Garrett Hortberger was played by special guest Drew Johnston. Drew is a writer for the Chris Gethin Show and performs at the UCB Theater in New York with Grandma's Ashes and NASCAT.

Speaker 45 Follow him on Twitter at DrewJohnston. Drew is spelled with a U, as it should be.
Crowd voices were recorded in our season two premiere at Caveat, generously donated by our live audience.

Speaker 45 Thank you, audience. And a special thanks to Lauren Humphrey for a recording location for this episode.
This episode edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Speaker 45 Music by Brendan Ryan. Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crunchley.
Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goyce. Mission to Zix is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom.
Thanks Audioboom.

Speaker 45 A very special thank you to our Patreon supporters for making Season 2 possible. Hey, do you want to send a physical item to the the Zix Squadron? That would be red.

Speaker 45 Address your parcel to the Zix Squadron, P.O. Box 180-494, Brooklyn, New York, 11218.
And our team of trained Zerblins will take it from there.

Speaker 16 But I started eating them as soon as they brought them out.

Speaker 11 None of those count? Like

Speaker 6 40.

Speaker 21 50 hot dogs in.

Speaker 15 No, Toyota Corolla.

Speaker 41 No, they do not count.

Speaker 13 They do not count and they run smoothly like a Toyota Corolla.

Speaker 9 But I do like the idea of a hot dog challenge to

Speaker 5 determine

Speaker 15 if Dar can eat enough hot dogs.

Speaker 15 I think that's pretty fun.

Speaker 9 I love the reveal that