117: The One with the Council of Seven

It is a time of peace, harmony, and all-around good vibes in the galaxy right now.

Despite what you may have heard in certain quadrants, the Federated Alliance has never been stronger, and the wise and all-knowing Council of Seven has everything under control.

They are seven best friends, and they are making this galaxy a better place.

Deep within the stately Alliance Dome on the capital world of Quantaris, the Council of Seven convenes to assess the rebel threat, strategize on the impending war against the Keck, and decide whether it looks cooler for all of them to wear their hoods up or keep it casual, leave them down.

This

is the Council of Seven.

Fellow councillors of our Council of Seven,

yes, yes, yes,

yes, I bring this item to the floor.

For my

the final item of the evening, yes, the final item of the evening.

Yeah, to you, my

six best friends.

Best friends,

best friends.

I have to bring this to the floor.

In the Selwyn quadrant.

Yes.

We summered there 14 summers ago.

We both got to that beach house to remember.

Somebody brought their girlfriend and broke up with them there.

We all had to deal with the consequences.

What is awkward?

What a crazy weekend.

I won't apologize.

I broke a chair.

You did.

You did, Rumpf.

We all remember how you broke that chair.

Counselor Drink, do you have a business item to discuss?

Or will you continue to discuss our silver?

As you know, I am from the Silwin Quadrant.

Indeed.

And I am the Crabbos, my people.

Yes, we know.

My people.

Yes, you're obviously a Krabbo.

We have no reason to be so agitated.

I'm a crabbo.

I always know.

You're walking sideways.

I always do.

I'm a crabbo.

Ah, yeah, all right.

Yes, but it seemed like you were walking away from the table.

No, I'm just agitated.

I'm pacing.

Get to the point, guys.

My people.

Yes.

In the cellwoman quadrant, specifically the planet.

Need the Zuma bean.

to grow.

We need economic funding for the rest of the council in order for this to happen.

Very well, very well.

G-M shall be sent to the Cell 1 quadrant for the purposes of agriculture

summer beam.

Thank you very much.

May I present?

I've been waiting very patiently.

That was the last order of the

last order.

I know, but mine has nothing to do with business, it only to do with our friendship.

Oh, Councillor Casoo.

Very well, Councillor Casu.

I've been up for many a many fortnight making these bidded hand hand bracelets so we can all place it upon ourselves and we know wherever we are in the galaxies we all have each other.

Council of seven bracelets, incredible.

And inside of each of them is a little note I handwritten for each of you.

What an affectionate message.

I'll be there for you.

Indeed.

Very nice.

We thank you.

Guys,

yeah, I have to head out a little bit early.

I know that we're kind of winding it down, but I really have to run.

Council of Balweed, you're dismissed.

We shall sell and clean up.

See you at brunch.

I'll be at Brunch, guys.

Okay, until next week.

Until next week.

Until next week's meeting.

Good work in here.

Thanks.

Goodbye, guys.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Is he gone?

She's gone.

And the seven thieves.

And Council of Six convenes.

Pull your your hoods up.

Yes, lower the lights.

Positively sinister.

Yes.

The

rogue source of power in the galaxy.

Yes.

Turn on that light that makes white things glow.

Yes.

And now our evil purposes will be brought to light.

Hi, guys.

Hey, buddy.

I just, I left my car key.

Oh, good luck.

Totally cool.

Totally cool.

What an amusing misunderstanding.

Yeah, my daughter's floor neck recital is in a few weeks, so I hope you guys can make it.

I'll send an email and I'm putting it in my calendar right now.

Fantastic.

Do they need baked goods?

Oh, it's just a recital, so I don't think.

I have it.

I'll do it.

Don't even ask.

Okay, please look her in the eyes and say, Councillor Runth wishes you luck.

You guys are the best.

Don't even dream of doing that without saying the same of Councillor Corpostanium.

Thanks, guys.

All right, well, have a good night.

You're the best.

That was a close word.

If Councillor Baldwin realizes what our true agenda is, it would be the dissolution of the alliance.

Well, let us begin our true meeting.

Yes, our true purpose.

We will put down the causes of liberty and freedom wherever we see.

So that brings me to the Zuma beam.

The real thing is that we must send in a group of clints to slaughter the farmers and drive the price of the bean up.

Oh, I love it.

I love it.

In my case, as you know, I am a crab-oh.

I am a crab-o, and I'm fine with it.

That's interesting, as I am a Beetleman.

Yet I have thumbs.

Well,

we all get our...

Yes.

Councillor Trick, all this talk of supply and man is

well and good, but

there are far more important matters to

discuss.

Namely, the

Councillor Corpus Stadian are you alright?

Sorry.

Yes, um, yeah.

He's just always very close to death.

Yes, I've been I've been very close to death.

That's his whole species.

That's my whole planet of people, born close to death.

It looks like a he looked like a Tellurian corn husk.

Dried out.

Indeed.

They don't drink any liquid.

The Methuselahs?

Yes, the Methuselahs.

Simultaneous heart attacks.

Well, it's just where one species may have a beating heart, others sort of just in a disculcent state of garden.

Lurches and stumblers.

Excuse me.

But he said rebels.

I know he said it to this point with great emphasis.

Rebels.

Rebels.

Rebels.

As we all know, the Council of Six is devoted to nothing but the utter destruction of the hated rebellion.

I'll say the biggest blow to me about the rebellion is the fact that one of my prize officers,

Rolfus Tittle,

would defect it.

The blueprint on which all the clinchs were created.

Rolfus Tittle.

He has the finest cheekbones I ever did.

Incredibly high cheekbones, of course.

As a crabbo, I do not possess cheek.

And does that mean the clinch could defect to the rebellion as well?

Does that mean clins have the ability to think for themselves?

No, we made the

way out of our way.

Yes.

Make sure the clinchs are dumb as hell.

Yes, Councillor Corfestanian and his geneticists made it clear that the Clints would be

much dumber, almost to a debilitated degree.

Honestly, when we intercept his feeds, he's mostly talking about underwear.

He's promoting whatever needs to be promoted.

Rebellions aren't cheap, of course.

Yeah.

I do, I do.

Listen, none of us would do what we're doing right now for free.

Speaking of which, I made a meal in 30 minutes or less last night.

Tutor!

I used ingredients that came from a books.

So easy, a baby could do it.

So easy, a queen of the babies could do it.

Listen, we've all got our side hustles, there's no doubt about that.

Oh, which reminds me, you should all come to my play next Thursday.

This one will be much better than the last one.

I have physical therapy.

Listen, we're best friends, but we're not like, you know, best friends.

Listen, it's a bringer show.

I promised I'd have at least 12 people in the house.

At least six.

Six croons.

Six drinks.

How many croones a drink?

Croon or croons?

Well, in this case, it would be croons.

Alright, I need a headcount.

How many.

Wait, wait, how many...

Wait, if it's plural things, it's croons?

Yes.

Yes.

Croones.

So you're telling me that if the object that you're purchasing is plural...

Counselor Trigger, I don't understand how you're not able to.

I'm a military man, damn it!

The currency is called croon.

Croon.

And then were you to subdivide it,

it becomes cruon.

Crooned.

Croons.

But what about what if it's a what if it's tiny bits of crude?

That's croon's.

Crude.

That plurality is crude.

But what about bit crude is what I'm talking about?

Then that's croon.

Oh, bitch.

Croon is a fantasy.

You sound like a bunch of rangus four morons.

Arcuri, if we were on the field of battle, I would destroy you for the moment.

I would worm my way into your ear structure.

Alright, as the queen of the baby race,

it is my turn to dictate what sorts of monetary

money we should be using moving forward.

All in favor?

Wait, wait, wait,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

I spent years coming up with a theory of croon and croon.

The last time you tried to pitch a currency, it was just pacifiers.

Just blasted pacifiers.

I am telling you, that was a great idea.

There couldn't be a simpler monetary system in the galaxy than croon.

I don't know one pacifier per milk.

We're not doing pacifiers.

We're not doing pacifiers.

Councillor Kasu is a baby and master's got swimming.

And yet you are a baby that leads the other babies.

That is true, and the queen of a baby.

Sort of a boss baby.

The tar!

Yes, I would say, if we were to define it, I am the boss baby.

It's a very complicated structure of governance, but no doubt about it.

You are truly the boss baby.

Look who's talking, it is me.

No, we know you're talking.

Well, look who's talking too.

I'm also speaking over here.

I am equally as important.

Then we got a Beetleman.

We've got several Beetlemen, one of the four famous Beetlemen, until you've killed the other three.

Yes.

Killed them all.

The other three would have done exactly the same.

I heard that the best Beetleman never made it.

No, you're talking about the fifth Beetleman.

The fifth Beetleman.

Pitaro Besto.

Pizarro Besto was overrated.

Pitaro Besto wasn't the fifth Beetleman.

Yes, he was.

That was...

Many people think Billy

Preston.

This has gotten very far away from my original point.

Anyway,

we all knew that you slayed the other three Beetlemen to become the Beetleman.

Rachel Arkuri.

Yes.

The most famous Beetleman.

So really, you're more famous for your haircut than for killing the fellow Beetleman.

How dare you,

tell the joy, you're pretty judgmental from a being who's a puddle of liquid.

Is that how you refer to Siskillions?

A puddle of liquid.

So you are.

You are.

Well, you're in a container right now, and you have arms that you are able to manipulate, which when it really boils down to it, you're just.

A puddle of liquid.

A puddle of liquid.

We had to make a hood that fitted you, and it was quite smaller than I, for I am the queen of babies.

Well, your hood is also quite small.

It's very small.

What is average height for a babet?

Right.

We're calling them babies now.

What do we say?

Are they babies or babies?

Well, they begin as babies, and then the older you get, become a babet, and then you go back to a baby.

Color costume, this is absurd.

We have a rebellion brewing, honestly.

Grow up.

We can't talk about no more sister for babies all day long.

She's a fish.

And have I married?

Yes.

I'm married to another king and queen of babies.

You're married to a king and a queen.

We're babies, we don't know anything, so we'd all marry whoever we want.

Let's get back to the subject at hand, please.

Into rebellion.

Right.

What does your intel say, Rop?

So, if you focus here on the the hollow map,

okay,

so you can see that there are 426 sectors in the alliance.

Um each sector, of course, has four quadrants,

except that one sector that somehow has five, but we haven't figured that out.

Making for a total of 1705 quadrants.

Precisely.

And so, but the intelligence shows, if you look at this info feed, it shows that the rebellion is brewing in the 6 quadrant of the Trimillion sector.

The 6 quadrant?

Is it possible that their headquarters could be located there?

It is the ass end of space.

It's the backwater of the galaxy.

It is the asshole of eternity.

It's like someone died and then they moved into the dead body.

Whoa.

What?

Did you have you not heard that?

Saying something out of turkey.

Explain what.

Explain the metaphor, please.

So,

imagine someone died.

And then imagine someone said, I'm looking to build a home.

Right.

I will hollow out this dead body and live there.

Oh, wow.

It seems like a size issue.

Capsula Arcuri, I mean, what you're describing is sort of disgusting if you're not a Beetleman.

You see what I'm saying?

It's not a nice place.

No, but I'm saying if you have, say, two Tellurians and one makes a home out of the other, gross, gross, that would be extremely corrupt.

Regardless, friends, the Ziggs Quadrant is exactly the kind of place we could expect to find filth like the Rebellion.

Yes, what better place to hide?

You would know.

When the other three Beetlemen were on the run, you hunted them down one by one.

Help, they said.

Help!

I need somebody!

That is anybody

speaking of which, can we just address one issue very quickly?

Yes, of course.

Was this with the individual who's now always with you?

Listen, if any of you have a problem with my partner, I'd want to hear it right now.

We have

your partner, all right.

Well, she gives me lots of good ideas, and we've got a very special connection.

I don't understand her artwork.

I take little parts of hands

and hold her.

Do you understand how shocking secret this council is?

This is a council of six.

This is seven.

The whole thing is that it's a council of six or seven.

This is extremely rude.

I don't bring my girlfriend to my meeting.

I will be leaving, but remember this: inside of you is outside of you.

Okay,

think about that, won't you?

You get out of here.

You guys are all being dicks.

This is your super nice leader, Sisu Gundu, with an important reminder.

This time of year, after X-Mars, but before our big New Year's sabotage raid, is often time when rebels suffer from utter and complete boredom.

That's why the Rebellion officially endorses the podcast Reply All as a 100% guaranteed source of fascinating entertainment every week.

Reply All hosts Alex and PJ and their team of brilliant producers and reporters tell stories that are often related to the internet and technology and anything that strikes their curiosity.

What the episodes all have in common is riveting, true storytelling and hosts with hilarious chemistry.

They just posted an amazing episode that revisits their most fascinating stories from this past year.

A great place to start.

If you're not listening to Reply All,

please fix that.

It will unburden our already overtaxed rebellion mental health counselors because your mind will be octavated.

That's Reply All from Gimlet Media, wherever you get your podcasts.

See Sue Gundu over and out.

Okay, now that Joco Bono is gone,

all right, we can reconvene as six best friends.

Yes, Rump, so often you are the voice of reason.

I'm making words of wisdom.

Indeed.

Yes.

Fortunately, I'm sure we have our very best ambassadors out there gathering intelligence.

What does the Infofeet say of our ambassadors in the Zix Squadron?

Wait!

Bennett!

It's a cat sighted on this feet.

My word, you're correct.

Not just a sighting, an attack.

The cat verified contact with the keck.

Wait, Joey, Joey, it was your job to call the Exterminator.

For the Keck!

For the Keck!

But we all pitched in, and you said, I'll do it, I'll call this Exterminator.

And then I had an audition, and

I lost track of

one of the heads of the galaxy!

Well, to be honest, you know, this is more of the side hustle.

We've all got side hustle here.

More through the side hustle.

This is a side six can be no one's side hustle.

Well, you know, acting is my number one passion.

Without your passion, good lord.

I trust you're at least cast in the role.

No, they went with a different siskillion for that one, yeah.

Wow, another

puddle.

Yes.

Well, she is quick.

Some of the best actures in the whole world are puddles of liquid.

I know, I've seen a hollow, it's ships and puddle of liquid.

When you auditioned, did you tell them, listen, I can be in any size or shape container?

I mean, they were really looking for a look, and Ava Galorka came in a flute.

They thought, oh, perfect, she's exactly what we're looking for.

You gotta dress.

Well, also.

But it was a different time.

You know, you got your gym generator, you got...

It was a different time.

Rest in peace, George.

All right, PG, General.

Wait, look at this information.

It was an ambassador ship attacked by the Keck, our own ambassadors.

Oh,

we lost those ambassadors.

No, they're still.

They somehow survived.

They survived a direct attack by the Keck.

No one survives a direct attack from the Keck.

Not from...

Not from growers.

Not from weavers.

Councillor!

What about the Oryx?

The Oryx are the boom!

What's he got to worry about?

No, no, no.

What about the Weavers?

Well, the Weavers are...

Listen, I used to fight a Keck, and you could go through an entire line of weavers, and you got an auric back there.

Well, then, boom, a Royal Drone shows up.

A Royal Drone shows up, and you'd know you're joked.

What sort of ambassadors could survive a direct assault by the Keck?

Computer, give us the information on our Zix crew.

They're in the Bargerian Jade.

Oh, I thought

I was going to be a little bit more than the Hollow Star?

Bargerian Jade.

Wait a minute, run.

Yes.

Did you meet this crew?

Yes.

You were recently deployed to the Zig Squadron to pick up your wayward charge?

Yes, yes, my no, my son was on a field trip.

Um

runf.

we can see all the redacted material in this don't.

I've stopped in slogs all the time.

I'm doing dust mostly.

Yes, we know.

As you know, I have a vice grip on the underworld as well as the military.

Well,

the dust is my crown jewel, and slogs, because it's in a neutral zone, it is easy to run through.

I trust you remember, we must run the dust, lest we bust.

Yes, we don't want a dust bust.

I wish there were a way to remember that, though.

Yes, right.

Now that I've...

Now I'm looking at it, Joey Joey.

Sure.

These ambassadors were on their exacted planet in search of the relic.

Did they retrieve the relic?

How could they have retrieved the relic?

No one's retrieved the relic.

Well, the riddles are impossible to solve.

Oh.

We've heard that from Clint.

And the planet was destroyed.

We assume that the relic destroyed will be.

They must not have found it.

But it does say here: look at the look

I can't read!

I'm the queen of the babies!

We know!

So you see there, it says they retrieved the relic.

So you're telling me that we've got three ambassadors, rogue, with a hot bean in their possession?

They won't even know what to do with it.

By all the space magic in the galaxy, this could be terrible.

Looks like they've talked to Swog Tambui.

No, that means that wasn't even a mission.

And yet they managed to find Zwog Tambui how could they find Zwog Zempua?

Does that mean they know that he's making a planet crusher obviously for us?

I know I'm simply the queen of the bears, but all of this sounds sneaky.

Yes, you're right.

Agreed.

Should you read through these reports, it appears that these these missions have failed due to their supposed incompetence.

But how could all of these missions fail?

No, no one gives me that.

Councillor Trink, Councillor Trink, what do the logs say?

Well, certainly the C unit that we put on each of the ambassador ships has been

there to keep things in line.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

What of the C unit?

Yes, Councillor Corpus Stadium.

Yes, the records show the C unit is C 53.

Well, we're not receiving anything.

What?

There's no signal from the C unit.

Sorry.

Are you meaning to tell me they've destroyed their C unit?

Well, the last time the C unit gave a recording, it was on.

Clunk to.

Ladies and gentlemen of the Council.

I put it to you

that this supposedly incompetent ambassador team is actually the key to the rebellion.

The tax man is right!

That's me.

I'm the tax man.

I'm a famous

man.

Most of our finances, yeah.

You are, yes.

You are the tax man.

So I'm saying you're in charge of taxation and finance.

Also, my side hustle is that I'm a paperback writer.

Of course, of course.

We all have side hustles.

We all have side hustles.

What do we do?

Listen, there's only one thing to do.

Who is the superior officer on the delegator?

Let's see.

Here he is.

Where's his photo?

Nope, he's not in the...

Oh, we got a little bit small, you have to scroll down.

Scroll down.

Oh, he...

He does have an infectious smile.

Indeed.

Yes.

It looks like he's...

No, he can't still be a junior missions operations manager.

We've got a junior mission operations manager running this.

At the very very least, a missions operations manager.

He's too old.

He's too old to be a junior missions operator.

A junior missions operation manager is a perfect cover in order to hide a cunning mind.

Exactly.

Listen, we have hundreds and hundreds of ambassador groups, do we not?

Of course, we have plenty.

We could just cut out this cancer immediately.

Yes, yeah.

There's only one thing for it.

Yes.

We must find this junior missions operations manager, terminate him immediately, and find the Bargerian Jade.

Arcuri, this is where your deviousness may come in handy.

Yes, yes.

Every Federated Alliance ambassadorial vessel has a bomb planted aboard it.

Yes.

Controlled from this console right here.

Go ahead, press the button.

No, what?

No.

We must.

Fine, I'll press it.

No, no, no, no, no, don't press it.

Don't yet.

No, listen, we've already established exactly what needs to happen.

I'm just going to press the button.

No, it's my console.

You won't press the button.

We won't.

Maybe.

Maybe they'll lead us back to the rebellion.

Yes, we won't detonate the Bargirian Jade.

Oh, I see.

Until we have our hands on this Nermit Bundaloy.

Yeah.

Well,

I'll send a troop of clints as soon as possible.

Whatever happens, the ambassador team of

C-53,

dah,

and

the pink one.

That pink one.

Yes.

Yes.

They will meet their doom.

Is he pink, though?

Is he really pink?

I mean, he's pink enough.

There's something wrong with him displaying.

He's clearly pink.

He's pink.

Let me adjust your contrast.

He's pink is.

I mean, he's more pink than he is, say, blue.

Well, then you wouldn't call him blue.

You'd call him pink.

Let's all take a vote.

Pink?

Yeah, I mean, sure.

Alright, fine.

Pink.

Yes.

Whatever happens, we will quash the ambassadors and bring the rule of the Council of Six

to the Zix Quadrant forever.

We're all laughing because of that joke we thought of before.

No, it's ominous laughter.

No, it's ominous laughter, Bill.

It's a mood laughter.

Sea Red IT5 credits and attributions join commencing outro protocol.

Councillor Phoebe Rump was played by Seth Lynn.

Councillor Monica Casu was played by Mujanzal Fagari.

Councillor Ross Korbastanian was played by Alden Ford.

Councillor Joey Joey was played by Allie Kokesh.

Counselor Rachel R.

Curie was played by Jeremy Benn.

Counselor Chandler Trink and Councillor Gunther Balweet were played by Winston Knoll.

This episode of Mission to Zix was recorded at the stately O'Connell Mansion in Brooklyn by engineer Shane O'Connell.

This episode edited by Alden Ford.

With sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Music by Brendan Ryan.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Cretchley.

Ship design for the Bargarian Jade by Eric Goyce.

Mission to Zix is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom.

Thanks, Audioboom.

Would you like to represent Councillor Joey Joey?

Please email us at crew at mission to zix.space.

Joco Bono is an honored member of this group.

No, she is.

She's always been a member.

No, that's not even close to true.

You are absolutely paying for her food.

How dear.

And stop taking those nude photos with her.

What?

What's weird about that?

We didn't enjoy your X-Mars card.

Yes, it was very inappropriate.

It's an inappropriate X-Mars card.

What?

Me, Joko?

A son?

This was weird.

All right.