116: X-Marse in Chimnacia [ft. Paul F. Tompkins]

The period of civil war has ended.

The rebels have defeated the evil galactic monarchy and established the harmonious Federated Alliance.

Now, Ambassador Pleck Dexeta and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This

is Mishma.

Hey, Bargie.

Yep.

Happy X-Mars.

Huh?

Yeah, happy Mexico.

Yeah.

You're gonna uh you're gonna open your boot?

Can you manipulate it?

Is there like arms that come out of the you know, the only, I'm sorry, I'm just not feeling X-Mars-y this year.

I just know, Bargy, what?

I've been through a lot.

You know, I have troubles with my son.

I uh, I'm feeling older.

I feel like my engine parts just aren't working the way they used to.

No, Bargie.

But there's one thing that will make me happy.

Oh, okay.

If we all gather round.

If we all gather round.

Sure, sure.

If we all.

Right, I should wake Dar up, actually.

I always get up really early on X-Mars because I'm like excited.

I still feel like a kid.

You know, I get up early.

Let me go wake her up.

Hey, Dar.

Happy X-Mar.

Whoa!

Dar!

This is the happiest I've ever seen here.

I love a paid work holiday.

Oh, I get that's what it's about.

Yeah, great.

I just get to kick back, back, open a couple boots, drink a little neg.

Sure.

That'd be great.

Sure.

I never got into agnag.

It's so thick.

I love it.

I mean, you know, obviously the tradition is you open it, you tilt it on X-Mars Eve, and then by X-Mars morning, there's a glass of agnag for you.

Right.

And I love it.

Wow, I didn't know you were so festive, Dar.

Are you going to open your boot?

Oh, not yet.

It's not time.

Oh.

All right.

Let me just go turn on the electric fireplace, classic X-Mars tradition?

Ambassador Dixer, I'm inside this fireplace, I would be happy to actor in it.

Oh, okay, great.

So, C-53, just go ahead and turn yourself on.

I feel it's much safer here than being in the dehumidifier.

Sure.

Thank you for bringing a little warmth and light into our X-Mars morning.

It's my great pleasure.

I'm happy to be away from the risk of getting water on my cube.

Ambassador Dixon, do you come from a place where you open your boots on X-Mars Eve?

Straight out, right out.

No, no, no, no, no.

Straight first thing X-Mars Morning.

In some cultures, X-Mars is a 12-day celebration that class from X-Mars to Ascension.

Oh, wow.

What happens on Ascension?

People start to ascend.

It's a very different class.

On Rangus 6, on X-Mars, everybody just gets drunk.

Oh, that is very common.

Okay.

Oh, yeah, it's incredibly common.

My family always gets drunk on X-Mars.

And then we fight each other.

Whoa, really?

Oh, yeah.

Is that like a cultural tradition, or is it like your family's sort of chucked up?

No, that's a cultural tradition.

Okay, I wasn't sure if when you said fight, it was like a battle, or whether it was just like yelling at me.

Whoa, someone in your family.

I mean, the whole planet is people I'm related to.

Sure.

I guess we go back far enough.

No, my whole planet is just people I'm related to.

It's a lot of boots.

It's a lot of boots.

Are you sad about to be home for an X-Mars star?

Oh, I never really thought of that.

I guess.

Although, I guess this year, you know, I don't have to worry about dying.

Yeah, you're gonna miss the battle.

Yeah.

Hey.

This is the Varginian Jade X-Mars special.

Yes, the 17th one I did.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

That's very impressive.

Let's go to the sea.

Hooray!

We did it!

We did it, everyone!

We did it!

We saved X-Mars!

We did it!

Is that the whole thing?

Don't forget to buy the Bargie toys in stores now!

Oh, that's extremely

crashly commercial!

Yeah.

The 12th X-Mars Mars special, if I remember correctly, that was the one that the director was like, it didn't happen, it's not canon.

It was hard to watch.

It should be mentioned, it did make a lot of crap.

Of course, yeah.

Being Arthur was in it.

Bean Arthur.

Yeah.

I forgot about Bean Arthur.

That one was.

I invented X Mars.

Oh, yeah, no, I can see how that would...

I wouldn't want that to be canon.

That seems like...

That would ruin the whole

that was real?

Yeah, you know, Bargie, you've got all of these X-Mars movies, and I feel like they all tell a different story.

Like, what?

Yeah, they tell I didn't spend much time with my family during the holiday.

At Master Deck Center, I have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Mender Nermit Buckloyl.

Happy X-Mars, Nermit.

Happy X-Mars, Nermi.

Happy X-Mars team.

Yeah,

wait a second.

I can C-53, your voice is coming from like that fireplace.

Oh, yeah, we uh we put C53's cube in there just for for XMARS

Festive.

Well, you know Nermit it's great to get a call from you today, especially since we all have the day off.

I know, isn't it amazing?

I just wanted to call and say hey, say happy X Mars.

I appreciate that happy Mars Mars.

Wait a second, here's something's coming through.

I bet it's an X Mars card.

Let me just check this out.

And this is I feel like it's a little cheap to email an X Mars card.

Alright, so here is our X Mars card and it says your mission

does not have the traditional structure of an X-Mars card where we would be wished to have the X-Mars at the beginning.

No, not at all.

It says, as is custom, Mary, the lowest-ranked ambassador team is sent on a mission.

No way!

We're the lowest-ranked team.

That's not possible.

No, we're I think that's possible.

So here's the mission we're going on.

We are going to the planet Gymnasia in the Zig Squadron.

Chymnatia.

Chymnatia.

Cool.

And

the purpose is to.

Wow.

You are supposed to find the true meaning of X-Mars.

That sorta like makes it okay, right?

That you have to work.

Junior Missions Operations Manager Nerva Bundley, I must stop you.

Is this one of those missions where we're going to go down to the planet, search around, come back to Bargy, and then realize the true meaning of X-Mars was aboard the Bargerian Jade all along?

Oh man, we have had so many missions like that.

Let me guess.

The meaning of XMARS is like love or friendship or something like that, right?

I mean, literally, it doesn't say.

They're saying you have to go figure it out.

If they said it on the mission instructions, they probably just would say that it's not.

That seems

like a big day.

That's a big day.

Huh.

Well, I guess save that for tomorrow.

Do we have tomorrow off instead?

Uh, Let's look here.

Nope, there's another mission.

Anyway, this seems like an honor, right?

You get to find the true meaning of X-Mars.

All right, well, let's give it a shot, I guess.

Get out there.

I'm excited to know what it is.

All right, let's head out, Bargie.

AC53, you want to want to join us on this mission?

I suppose you could carry my cube around in the carrying case until you find a suitable receptacle.

It has a carrying case?

Have you just been free-handing my cube?

Sorry.

Wow, this is...

This is a smoky docking bay.

Sooty.

Sooty.

A-R-T!

Don't you?

Hello.

That's me, Mono.

Sure.

Yeah, I mean, you're telling me.

I don't know what that is.

That's a very quaint hat you have on.

Oh, thank you very much.

Be spare Spare a croon or two.

Hey, you know what?

Actually, I will give you

three croons if you will eject your cube for me.

Well, it would end my consciousness, but I do need them croons, don't you?

Just for a little while.

Listen,

I won't take my cube out, but I've got a friend over here, Tiny TM.

I'll take his cube out for three croones.

No, that seems

wrong.

No, no, no.

No, I don't want you to

Oh, no.

It's done.

You might as well give him the croon.

Get him the croon.

Okay.

At your service, just to...

Okay, great.

Listen, ART Dodge, can you just...

Can you just promise me you'll find another frame for that cube?

Oh, I'm yeah, I'll definitely find a frame for this cube.

I will not throw it in the river.

No, sir.

I will not.

Okay, but see, you winked and you crossed like two of your little pincher digits, so it feels like

okay, thanks.

Thanks.

Oh boy.

Alright, C53, here you go.

Alright, I'll put it into the frame of the robot we just

paid to murder.

I don't

feel like that's what I wanted to have.

Oh boy.

This is rather a small frame, isn't it?

You eat.

C53 accent.

C53, how did you get the same accent?

Seems to be some effect of the vocal modulator aboard the stride frame.

Oh boy, that might get obnoxious after a while.

You're telling me, mate.

Alright, well,

I guess

can you move in that frame?

This leg seems to be a bit shorter than the other one.

Is there perhaps a small crutch?

Yes.

You know what, guys, we got we gotta stop screwing around.

We gotta get to the mission.

Oh, I'm sorry, C53, but you know, sometimes it's important to look, especially on X-Mars.

Oh, wow, it seems like for a droid.

Oh, boy.

Well, it seems like the vacuum on this droid is completely clogged.

Oh, boy.

Why would they make a robot with one leg shorter than the other?

It seems just sort of pathetic for the sake of it.

That's my feelings a bit, Ambassador Dexter.

No, I'm sorry.

No, I...

Okay, I'm sorry.

Hello, travelers.

Oh,

hello.

What brings you to Chimnacea then?

Greetings.

I'm Ambassador Plaquexer here with the Federated Alliance.

So, greetings, Ambassador, and a joyous X-Mars to you, sir.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Happy X-Mars to you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, wow.

Listen, we're just here.

We're here sort of on a mission to kind of explore Chymnasia and kind of get just a sense of what this planet's all about.

Oh, a mission?

I do beg your pardon, sir.

I didn't realize you were on a mission.

I do apologize for standing in your way.

Actually, it's totally fine.

We're just here kind of to explore, so I mean, this is as good a place to start as any.

Can we ask you a question?

Yeah.

What to you is the meaning of X-Mars?

Well,

X-Mars.

First, perhaps I should introduce myself.

Yeah.

My name is Rip Ciso.

Rip Ciso?

That's right.

Oh, wow.

That's a cool name.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

What do you do here on Chimnacea?

Well, like every citizen of Chymnasia, I uh I clean out these uh chymnoids.

Oh, those are the stacks you see just sticking up out of every

line in the horizon.

You just see these tubes coming up and the soot coming out of them.

Begging your pardon, sir, but did you say every citizen of Chymnasia does this?

Oh, tiny TM as I live and breathe.

Oh, actually, this is C53.

This is our protocol droid, but his body got chucked up.

So, long story, but anyway, we just borrowed this urchin droid.

Right?

Well, all are welcome here.

Yes, every citizen of Chymnasia must clean out these tubes because otherwise the planet will die.

Oh, there's a great beast at the center of our planet and it expels this uh sort of sooty cloud.

And uh if the if the passageways aren't cleared, well then the the beast could choke on its own soot.

What would happen if that happened?

It seems like it might be passed on.

Why is that, sir?

Then you wouldn't have to worry so much about scrubbing out all the chimnoids.

Well the legend has it that if we don't scrub out as chimnoids and the great beast dies

well the planet will it'll sort of like roll over

see and everyone standing on the top They'll just like fly off huh

Now I don't know how it works.

I don't

I mean, I don't know how it works on chimnasia, but on most planets sort of anywhere you're standing is fine cuz like it's it's sort of like a gravity gravity thing

so

at what point on this street for instance would one of us fall off into space?

Right, you see that chimnoid?

It's like,

I want to say

500 paces from here.

Sure, yeah.

If you go over there, you might just fly off into space.

Good day to you, sir.

Good day.

Good.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Did that happen a lot?

I mean, every once in a while.

I mean, we've only been here for a few minutes and that has happened already once while we were staring at this.

Oh, no.

It's usually in cases of marital squabbles.

Sure, sure.

I've just learned the real meaning of you.

They could have just learned the real meaning of anything.

Yeah, that's true.

That could have been anything at all.

Probably not X-Mars.

No strength.

No, no, no.

No guarantee.

Well, that seems like a very stressful job because if you mess it up, like, I mean, yeah, you're putting everybody at risk.

Well, I don't like to complain, sir, but yes, it's very stressful because a lot of times you're in danger of falling in one of the chimnoids, and then you'd be inside the belly of the great beast.

Oh, wow, that's that's even worse.

So, basically, you're everyone on the planet just goes around cleaning them, trying not to fall into them, and also trying not to go to the end of that street.

That's right, sir.

That's right.

It's a simple existence, but we like it.

Rip Cisa, if I may say,

you've got to work even on Exmar's Day.

Oh,

Exmar's Day, we have to work double our darling.

Why is that?

Well, because we've got a tradition of pouring

of pouring agneg down the chimneys

as an offering to the great beast.

Yeah, yeah, and that stuff takes forever.

Clogs his system, something terrible it does.

It's quite thick.

You sort of ask yourself,

why do they make it so thick?

Right?

And then you take.

Why do they make it so what?

Thick, thick, sir, thick,

yeah, I guess so.

Sure, you can try to thin it out,

but it still ends up pretty thick

indeed, sir.

That does sound like quite a lot of trouble for you, Lot here on Chimnation.

Ah, it's no trouble, I mean, it's life, innit?

Everyone's got their burden to bear, and that's the meaning of X-Mars.

Okay, let's wrap it up.

Yeah, that might be that might Rip Ciso, would you say say that that's the true meaning of X-Mars as far as you're concerned?

Sorry to say, no, that's not the true meaning of X-Mars.

That's just a fact of life.

Everyone's got a burden to bear.

I don't know why that would be the true meaning of X-Mars.

I mean, yeah.

What other traditions do you guys have on X-Mars?

Well,

we have a tradition of, you know, we wake up in the morning.

And before we do anything, we throw open a window and we look out for any urchin bots that are uh scuttling around.

Well, yes, like like tiny TM here.

Oh, yeah.

Do you speaking of which, do you know why the the urchin bots have one leg that's shorter than the other?

Oh, yes, I do, sir.

Yeah, oh, it's a terrible story, sir.

Oh, I don't even like to tell it.

Well, please.

Please, would you tell it?

Please, sir.

Please.

Poor little urchin bot, of course I will.

I can't res

I can't resist the mechanical coughing of a tiny TM

years ago

there was a a very cruel man who lived here and he was a man of great power and great influence on Chymnasia

he lived right in the dead center of town right in the center of the street that seems like the safest place to live here it's got the most gravity of all yeah yeah

he used to fl used to flaunt it,

used to take a kerchief from his pocket, throw it to the ground, it would stay there.

He'd flaunt his gravity?

He'd flaunt his gravity.

That's rude.

He sort of hoarded gravity, you know, he was like

a gravity miser.

And everyone despised him.

Except me, I sort of felt sorry for him.

He must have been awful lonely, all by himself in his castle of gravity.

And then one day,

I think it was, I think it was Exmar's Day.

No, really,

that's crazy.

Yeah,

if I'm getting this story straight, it was Exmar's Day many years ago.

Very funny.

And he was visited in the night by three

ghosts.

Oh, there you go.

Three spirits of the space.

Wow.

I should say, just to let you know, Ripsy, so I'm sort of like in tune with the space.

Is that so, sir?

Yeah, I'm on the fresh side to the space.

I'm sort of

I was told very recently by a Zima warrior that I am sort of, you know, gonna do something great with the space.

Right, did they happen to say what it was?

Uh, it was pretty vague, but I feel like that's kind of for me to figure out.

He's not carrying the cane around, this is his woodsaber.

A very small piece of wood.

Yeah, well, you know, it still gets the job done, theoretically.

If I am in danger, it will definitely pay off for me to have been carrying around this way.

I did this to you, Ronnie.

Ow!

Didn't stop that.

Kicked me right in the shin with your long leg.

Yeah, it was a bit of a challenge for me to be perfectly honest.

It was rather impressive, actually.

Are we hitting it?

No,

where did all these urchin droids come from?

No, okay, all right.

Stop, stop.

This is what X-Mars is all about.

Beating the shit out of each other.

Now, now, you urchin droids, leave this nice gentleman alone, I'm sorry, sir.

Ow!

We won't leave until you tell us a story.

You know, he was actually in the middle of the story when you came up and started kicking me.

Stop from the beginning, then!

All the way from the beginning!

No, no, no, no.

Yes, we're at the beginning.

No, stop.

Get out of here!

Get out of here!

Don't you have chimnoids to sweep sweep?

Ambassador Tech Set, forcing autumn pots to go back to work on X-Mars.

Okay, I'm gonna do it.

You should have seen what he did earlier.

He murdered a droid so you could be in that frame.

Yes.

Is that true, sir?

I did not murder the droid.

No, he paid someone to murder the droid.

Well, for all I know, the cube is still totally healthy and fine.

What did they say they were going to do with the cube?

Well, he said very much.

No, he said

He specifically said he was not going to throw it in the river.

With a wink and by crossing his two little pinchers.

Wait a minute.

Was this the ART Dodger?

Yeah.

The droid that right now is

wiping his hands across each other at the edge of the river.

Look at that little dance he's doing.

He's a scamp, that one.

He's a bit of a rascal.

I'm sorry, Ripsy.

So, can you continue your story?

I was very compelled by this.

Yeah.

Visited by three space ghosts.

Yes, this gravity miser

this gravity miser,

Ordolono Squeege was his name.

Wait.

What?

Ordolono Squeegee.

Ordolono Squeege.

Did you not hear that the first time he said it?

Ordolono Squeegee.

That's wrong.

No, okay, fine.

You can listen.

Just don't kick me anymore.

That's fine.

Where are you?

Is this

You're from 500 paces away?

Alright, we have to tie ourselves down.

Yeah, he's from a different part of Kymnasia.

That's the part of Chimnesia that's underneath Kynnesha.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's kind of fly like kites.

They have to clean out very different shoots for the beast on the bottom of this planet.

Sure.

It's true.

It's true.

Tell us the story of

Ordolono Squeeze.

He was a terrible gravity miser, he was.

He ordered all the gravity for himself.

He didn't understand what it was like to share gravity with others so that all could partake of the bounty.

Well,

one night he was visited by three deceased Zima warriors.

It was two good ones and one bad one.

Too fresh, one whack there now.

Too fresh, one whack.

The first one was a freshie

and he was all ordolono squeege.

Look how you used to be when you was young.

You was always sharing gravity and having parties and being nice to people.

You was full of life.

That's like me now.

Except that it's...

Ambassador Dixo, you haven't got any gravity at all.

I'm just trying to relate.

I'm trying to relate to Rip right now.

Did you kill my cousin?

Okay.

It was you.

No, I don't.

I've seen his cube floating in the river.

Did you fish it out?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

There you go.

Oh, it did get wet.

Yeah, just made it into this chimnoid scrape stick.

Yeah, he's an happy life.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Listen, Ripsy, so I wasn't trying to make it about me.

I was just trying to tell you that I'm invested in your story.

I apologise sir.

I didn't

mean to imply that you was making it about yourself.

No no you were absolutely making this about you.

You did say that's like me.

Yeah.

Yeah, you said kind of like me.

I didn't say it was like me.

Yes, yes, yes.

Tell us what happened to the next girl.

The next email warrior said, hey, look, Lord Alono Squeege,

look how you're like right now in the present day.

No one likes you.

You're hoarding gravity all for yourself.

People are flying off 500 paces away.

It's a terrible thing.

This one's whack or this one's fresh.

Number two.

This was a freshie.

The last one.

He was whack, he was.

Process of elimination, that is.

Figured it.

He was whack as they come.

He appears to Ordolono Squeege in a long cloak with an hood.

And he doesn't say a word.

He just stares at him.

And Ordolono Squeege, he fills in all the blanks.

He's like, are you here because I'm a bad guy?

And you're going to show me the future because I've seen the present and I've seen the past.

And then this Zima warrior, he don't say a word.

He just stands there.

Then Ordolono Squeege, he starts laying out more rope with which which to hang himself he says so now you're gonna show me how it turns out because no one likes me and this is how i end up the zebra warrior he don't say a word then all of a sudden the zebra warrior points

and ordolono squeege looks and he sees

a pile of dirt

pile of dirt slowly particle by particle lifting out from the ground

I'm so into this story.

It was held in Ordolono Squeege.

Particle by particle, the dirt pile starts lifting up.

He's got no more gravity, Ordolono Squeege.

And we see his corpse just suspended in the air.

And Ordolono Squeege sees this vision of himself and he says, Oh no,

I don't want that to be true.

Please, Spirit, take this vision away from me.

And then he wakes up, he throws open the window, falls out the window,

splat onto the ground.

Wow, it must have been really fast because of all that gravity, eh?

That's right.

He didn't hold it all the gravity.

Yeah, probably exploded or something.

Yeah, he was only on the first floor.

Yeah, but that's how much gravity he had.

Too much gravity.

Huh.

What's the meaning of X-Mars?

I guess, is that the meaning of X-Mars?

I mean, she just says that over and over.

We don't know why.

She does say all year round, it's true.

She might be a bit broken, it sounds like.

That's the meaning of X-Mars.

So now, every X-Mars morning we throw open the window

as a nod to Ordolono Squeege and sort of there but for the space go eye.

Yeah, wow, yeah.

Man, that really makes you think.

Rep Ciso,

will you tell me the story story of Fartsy the red-nosed sleazer?

Oh, yes, please, please, please, please, sir.

All right, all right, you urchin bots.

Years ago.

That's the real

thing.

Getting a little ahead of the story.

She'll be down for at least four minutes.

Well, everyone knows the story of Fartsy the Red-Nosed Sleazer.

But still, tell me.

Well, no.

Okay, I mean.

No, I was going to.

That's That's a storytelling device.

Exactly.

I actually don't think I've ever heard this story.

You know all the other Sleazaks?

Yeah.

Crindy.

Yep.

And Drindy.

Yep.

And Bittle and Mitt.

Yep.

You know.

Pimple.

Pimple and Scormax.

And Wendell.

And Zits.

Yeah.

But

is this familiar?

Sleazak?

what you've never heard of before?

No, because it wouldn't be familiar if I'd heard of him.

Right, it's a rhetorical question.

Because

in the early days of Gymnasia,

there was a system whereby gifts were distributed by this

great fat slug creature,

red and white, and just gelatinous.

It was horrible.

Sort of like a florin, maybe.

He was sort of like a flan, yeah.

Like infected sauce, the red and the white.

Exactly, yeah.

It's like a florn who's been suffering from some terrible disease.

And this creature was the source of all food.

He would excrete these colorful cubes.

You take the top off of them, and you could eat what was inside.

You'd scoop it out.

But he didn't excrete it from the place you'd think.

He had a sort of

a sack that was on his back, and from this sack would fly these excreted cubes.

Sort of a pouch?

Sort of a pouch.

We thought of it as a sack.

And so the Chimnations would wake up and they'd see these colourful gifts.

And they'd say, Why don't we try to eat it?

Sure.

Naturally.

After the first one did,

the all-clear was given.

Turns out this is food.

Good news, everyone.

Anyway,

it became a burden for this

X-Miles slug to deliver all these excretions year after year.

And so he called upon the Sleazaks to assist him.

They would drag his gelatinous body all over the length.

Powerful creature, Sleazaks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then there was one

he had a crippling alcohol dependency.

Hmm.

That was Fartzi.

The red-nosed Sleazak.

Oh.

That's exactly the end of the story.

Yeah, he was the only Sleazak with a red nose.

Whoa, and an alcohol

dependency.

They should have called him

Fartzi the alcoholic.

Alcoholic shit.

Because it seems like the red nose is more of a symptom than a kind of.

Right, I think they were trying to be subtle, maybe.

Sure.

Some of the older model urchin bots make fun of us for still believing in the old slug.

This is another urchin bot that's happened upon us.

I was listening to this.

He's part of our gang.

Yeah.

Speak up, little fella.

Some of the older model droids, you know,

the signy TMs,

they, they, they are.

One letter earlier.

They, they, them,

yeah, they make fun of me for still believing in the space slug, but I believe in him.

You gotta believe.

You know, you're never too old to believe.

That's the meaning of it.

She's up online, she is.

Ripsy, surf, so you know a lot about X-Miles.

Well, we're a bit of an X-Marsy planet, don't you know?

It's sort of a sort of our thing, you know?

Because it's always so X-Marsy feeling down here.

Yeah, with the cobblestones.

The cobblestone streets

and the fluctuating gravity.

Oh, when you trip on one of those cobblestones.

I was also gonna comment earlier on how it's snowing all the time, but now I realize there's just ash falling from the sky.

That's right, that's right.

Repsy, so ribso.

What is it, little bot?

I hope I'm not interrupting one of your wonderful stories, but the great beast from within is rumbling.

Oh dear.

Yeah, it's hipping in.

Oh no, we've been talking to you so long, you forgot to pull the egg mag into the chimney.

Oh dear.

Oh, that's new.

Does it not usually talk?

Never.

Whoa.

What could it mean?

Well, it means I've been shirking my responsibilities talking to you lot when I was supposed to be pouring agneg and scouring out the chimnoids.

Listen, I'm so sorry.

Whatever's going on right now, I apologize.

You should, Plaque.

You're all gonna have to lend an end.

Everybody, grab a pitcher of egnik.

What part of the planet are you from?

From the very edge.

He's from 490 paces away.

Because he's so far, the gravity is so little that your voices get.

Did you say gravity?

Why does it affect the accent?

I'm not a scientist.

He's from a different part of the planet.

490 paces over here, just to warn you.

You know, I actually heard that on Chimnation, you can actually figure out where on the planet someone's from down to the street based on their accent.

Is this a good time for trivia, sir?

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Please grab that bucket of agneg.

Yep, you got it.

Pour it in the nearest chimnoid.

Okay, great, great, great.

It's cool to have it.

Oh, I can help you, see.

Lift that void out of three cruise.

Oh, no, it's actually fine.

We don't

listen, we gotta pour this agneg in these gymnoids or something terrible is gonna happen.

Right, right, right.

Everyone just pour, pour, pour.

There we go.

Yeah, this is gonna take, I mean, most of the day, I think

it's fake.

Is the thickness of agneg related in some way to the true meaning of X-Mars?

Do you think it is?

No, this one's broken.

All I can say is the true meaning of X-Mars.

You're right, sorry.

Feel free to discount it every time you hear it from her.

Okay, you're right.

Yeah, you're right.

You're right.

Alright, that seems to have

calmed the great beast down a bit.

Oh, man.

Alright, well, I hope I was helpful in some way to you all.

I mean, I liked the stories.

We're really here to learn the true meaning of X-Mars.

Well, I'm no expert, sir, but I do come from a very ex-Mars-y planet.

And I can say

what I personally have always considered the reason for the season of X-Mars.

It's a time to gather with the ones that you love.

Wait a minute.

What?

I feel like that's the thing.

He was just about to tell us, boy!

Would you stop him in the middle of the description of the fake

that I have said?

Alright, Rip Cizo, continue.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I've got to know what was the issue you had with what I barely said.

Back on the ship, we were like, Is it that it's a time to gather with friends and loved ones and remember your relationships?

And Nermit definitely said that was not what it was.

Right, if I could finish.

The true meaning of X-Mars is you've got to gather with the ones you love,

You've got to reflect on what's happened from last X-Mars to this X-Mars.

You've got to look up in the sky, look at the stars, realize you're a part of something vast and immense.

You're just a little bitty thing, but you have your place.

And then

hope.

that the great black beast doesn't turn over and throw you off the planet.

Mostly it's like survival.

Sure.

It's please don't let me fly off the surface of the planet.

Yes, survival is the true meaning of X-Mars.

I mean, that's certainly true on your planet, Dar.

Wait, survival is the true meaning of X-Mars.

That's true of my planet, where we fight each other.

It's true of this planet, where gravity could boot you off of the planet.

It's true of

Pleck.

It's true of,

you know, the Sleazak story.

They needed the gifts from the slug to survive.

And Oralono Squeeze survived the meeting with the three Zema warrior ghosts.

Only to die the next morning.

Yeah, which is quite ironic, really.

Oh, survival, I guess.

This one.

Raining.

So close.

That would have been perfect.

That would have been the right time.

It would have been perfect.

Somebody's put an egg negative.

Well, you know, Rip Ciso, I really.

I really appreciate it.

It's Rip Ciso.

You know, Rip Ciso, I really...

It's Rip Ciso, sir.

Did I pronounce it wrong?

No.

Oh.

Good, good.

So listen, Rip Ciso, these stories have really illuminated X-Mars for me.

We've learned a lot.

Thank you.

I hope so.

I do have one last question, though.

What is it, sir?

Why is it that the urchin droids one leg is shorter than the other?

It was a flaw in the mold.

The leg, man.

Ow, that's it.

Yeah.

Hello, this is Rebel Pilot Hart Tardagast.

My parachute gave out, but by some stroke of luck, I've landed on a tiny slab of rock, floating in this vast ocean of llama.

Any direction I look, there's nothing but boiling fire all the way to the horizon.

Well, there's no question how I'll spend my last hour before I'm devoured by this inferno, listening to Spontania Nation with Paul F.

Tomkins, of course.

Everything in the Spontania Nation podcast is improvised, from the opening monologue to the celebrity interview featuring guests such as Dame Foley, Kristen Schall, Kumale Nanjiani, Rachel Bloom, and Ira Glass, to the hilarious narrative impover featuring Paul's incredible improviser friends inspired by the aforementioned celebrity interview, to the completely improvised musical score from master pianist Evan Schletter.

This rock is split into two between my legs, and I was never much of a gymnast.

Gotta choose a side.

You know, I realize this is no laughing matter, but I just remembered a great bit from the last Spontania Nation episode.

Really fun stuff.

That's Spontania Nation with Paul F.

Tompkins from Earwolf, wherever you get your podcasts.

Mark Tarnegast, signing off for one last time.

Long live the rebellion.

What?

What, Mom?

Well, I just hope you enjoy the boot I have for you.

Happy X-Mars.

Yes.

It's good to see you.

You use them for

education, you could do other things, but I mean, or you could keep.

I'm proud of you either way.

I'm an amusement park, Mom.

It's what I am.

Are you gonna introduce me to your girlfriend or what?

This is Brianna,

my girlfriend.

She's the log flume at the park.

Yeah, I'm dating at work.

I'm like the 18th ranked log flume in the galaxy.

Did you hear that, mom?

Wow, okay.

That's out of 20.

Fantastic.

I am very excited for this development.

That makes sense.

Yeah, Yeah, no, yeah, I got that.

To be fair, it's better than we're doing.

Yeah, mom, I mean, thanks for coming in.

You know, I appreciate it.

We're now gonna go visit your father, right?

I guess.

I hate having two ex-Marses.

It sucks.

I'm sorry, just you think I get double boots, but I don't.

Okay, well, it was good seeing you.

Goodbye.

So, sort of ungrateful.

Mom, yeah,

happy ex-Mars.

Happy X-Mars.

Here's to surviving another one.

We've always said back and forth that the true meaning of X-Mars is surviving.

Almost seems like we're gonna stay on the ship.

Hey, uh, Secret Studio, can we call it Nermit?

Absolutely, sir.

Initiating transmission to junior missions operations management.

That's why you, Ambassador Bundaloy, should have the best X-Mars hammer.

I do love love that we can just

interact.

Yeah,

it's crazy that we get to answer when you call, but if we connect to you, it's just bang.

Instant.

Yeah, I wish that they like

there was some sort of ring or indicator or a light, anything.

I surely

think that you control.

Yeah, no, oh, yeah.

Oh, oh, yeah, here, let me.

There we go.

Okay.

Well, next time.

Yeah.

Junior Missions Operations Manager Nerve Bundaloy, we are pleased to report.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

We put C-53's cube into an urchin droid.

Yeah?

Yeah, we'll work on the whole shorter leg thing.

Sorry, you were saying you're happy to report.

We have discovered the true meaning of X-Mars.

Oh, my gosh.

Are you serious?

That's what the mission was.

Yeah, it's survival.

Simple as that.

Survival.

Survival?

Yep, survival.

Survival.

Every day, we've been celebrating X-Mars without knowing it, because we've survived.

Yeah, I I mean that's true.

I mean in a way we keep XMARS in our hearts as long as those hearts are beating.

In Dar's case, how many hearts do you have?

Four.

Okay.

Yeah.

Everybody, I kind of want to like open the door and yell down to the X-Mars party

what the meaning is.

You're just going to fling open the door and scream the word survival at a group of people.

Alright, hang on.

Survival!

Should you give a little context.

The meaning of X-Mars is survival!

We know!

What?

That's self-evident from all the stories about X-Mars.

Why?

We already knew that!

No!

Close the door!

Wait, you didn't...

This wasn't a real mission.

As they said, they already knew that it was a fake mission to not invite me to the party.

Guys, what do you think Tiny TM would say if he was here right now?

Some of his residual memory in the droid frame.

I think if I can decrypt this,

he'd probably say

space fresh

everyone.

That's a nice little message.

Yeah.

Also, I guess that is his last thought, so that's not.

Oh no!

C-Red IT5 credits and attributes droid commencing outro protocol.

Ambassador Plec Deck Center was played by Alden Ford.

C-53E was played by Jeremy Benn.

Security Officer Dar and Brianna the Logflum were played by Allie Kokesh.

Margie the Ship, the Broken Urchin Bot, and The Beast of Chymnasia were played by Mujan Zolfogari.

Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy and the Urchin Bot with the Weird accent were played by Seth Lind.

A.R.T.

Dodger and the third urchin bot were played by Winston Noll.

Rip Ciso was played by special guest Paul F.

Tompkins.

You can catch him in TV shows like Bojack Horseman and Bajillion Dollar Properties on his podcast Spontania Nation and Superego or on Twitter and Instagram at PF Tompkins.

This episode of Mission to Zix was recorded in Argo Studios in New York City by engineer Paul Ruest.

This episode edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Music by Brendan Ryan.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goyce.

Mission to Zix is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom.

Thanks, Audioboom.

Do you have a pressing question for the crew?

Send an email to crew at missiontozix.space.

Should we open our boots?

Yeah, yeah.

You go first, Star.

You've got the biggest boot.

All right.

Biggest boot.

What would you get?

It's exactly what I wanted.

A new vibrator.

Alright, let's see yours.

Okay.

Oh, I got a gift certificate for 10% off a mattress.

And this is...

Thank you, C53.

A spring from...

That looks like B69420, maybe?

One of his springs.

Thank you.

It's very nice.

Hey, Bargie, thank you.

This is a signed picture of you.

Thank you.

I gave you that to everybody else, one of these.

Oh, yeah, Bargie, I love it.

Yeah, Bargie, this is a great photo of you.

Yeah.

What film is this from?

It's from my 7 X Marsh film, where I played Odolano Squeach.

Oh,

that's a good part for you, actually.

Thank you.

Can we see a clip of it?

Yes.

Mr.

Squeach,

may I please have X-Marsh Day off?

My name is Bargie.

I

Yeah, no, that's not a goddess.

I was out of my mind in that movie.

I was fired and I didn't appear in the eighth and ninth one, but then I came to the bottom of the camera.

We had another person playing me.

It was a big mess.

It was a person?

They had a Telurian playing me.

Honestly, just stop talking about it.

It's a bad memory.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Okay, please.

Where boots?

I left a spare foot that I had hollowed out.

Let me see.

Oh,

thank you.

This is

101 brain teasers to dazzle the mind.

Yeah.

Yeah, I finished them.

They're great.

You read it already?

Yeah, I just downloaded it.

Did all the brain teasers?

They're quite good.

Happy X-Models.

Yeah, indeed.

I could.

If you're not going to.

Yeah, I work.

I checked out the game.

You want that gift?

No, you can keep it.

Is that not what you were going to ask me just now?

That's not what I'm going to do.

Okay.