114: There Are No Second Chances [ft. Lydia Hensler]

The period of civil war has ended.

The rebels have defeated the evil galactic monarchy and established the harmonious Federated Alliance.

Now, Ambassador Pleck Dexeta and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This

is Mishman.

Okay, who wants another Sunday?

Oh, yeah, I'll take one.

I mean, if you're offering, I'll take every other.

There you go.

This is the best.

I uh use a couple of croons I had and uh just got myself delivery of an interior ice cream machine, putting it to good use.

Yeah, that's really self-sacrificing of you, Bargie.

Yeah, that's very kind.

Do you wait?

Can you eat ice cream or is this really just for us?

No, it's just for I just enjoy other people inside of me consuming food I wish I could consume, you know?

I just like gas.

You know, that's really, really nice of you, Bargie.

Bargie, do you have bad news to tell us?

Yeah, I do.

What?

Yeah.

Um, I uh misdirected that.

Yeah, my parents did this when they told me they were separating.

Oh.

So, as you all know, I have a gambling problem.

And as a result, I'm gonna...

No, no, wait, wait, wait.

We need to go a step back.

We did not know you had a gambling problem.

Well, Bargie, is everything okay?

What happened?

No, you know, you just you go off, you do your missions.

I just feel all I do is just drop you off and wait until you get inside of me again.

And so I just wear off doing whatever it is that you do, and I go off and gamble things.

Many engine pots and,

you know,

batteries and

beds and furniture and

who wants another ice cream.

Guys, hold on.

I just need to check my room real quick.

That was your own decision.

The mattress box that I fashioned into a mattress is gone.

You lost your mattress box.

Yeah, well, remember when the mattress came and it was an empty box?

Bargie, how hard up were you that you had to sell a a broken down cardboard box?

Um, oh, basically, I have

everything.

That's the thing.

That's the sorry.

Bank surprise.

I also betted you guys, and I have until the end of the day to bring up enough money, or else you belong to someone else.

It's like, I know the ship is like not a big deal.

It's fun.

It's fun and games.

But anyway,

I'll have to until the end of the day to figure it out.

But I'm sorry,

don't even worry about it.

It's fine.

Okay.

Already forgotten.

Yeah.

Alright.

Ambassador Dexter, I have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operational Future Nermit of the Lord.

Nermit.

Hey, guys.

Wait.

Huh?

Wait, what's happening?

Well, I mean, you know now that I obviously am an entertainer of sorts from what we're talking about.

What biz do you consider yourself to be in, Nermit?

You record those by yourself in the cleaning chamber.

Yeah, but

you can sort of eventually someone's going to reach out and say, like, I would like to sponsor you.

And then it's like

an additional income stream.

So I said.

You said eventually someone reaches out to you.

Has that happened to you yet?

No, no, no.

That's in the future.

So I was telling this person, like, what you want to make sure you have is like a computer with a microphone.

You have that little keyboard you play when you sing as well, right?

Completely normal size keyboard.

Pretty small.

Well, yeah,

you couldn't play that.

Yeah, I couldn't play.

My finger's too fat.

Okay, so here is,

here's, here's the deal.

This came through, and I was like, oh, exciting.

So you were going to, I don't know if you've heard of the planet Klong to

no.

No?

Okay.

I hadn't either, and then I read about it.

Is that a stutter?

Is that what the name of the

planet's name is?

Klongt.

Yes.

Can you spell that?

Yes.

It's K-L-O-N-G-T-D-T.

Klong to

Klong to.

Okay, so

I'm still working it out.

And we have very little information about the dignitary you're meeting other than apparently this person is number one.

All it says after the you know, normally there's a little bio or something and it says number one

and the entity's name is Squirrel.

Squirrel?

Yes.

So, uh, I don't know.

I mean, that sounds like

are we to understand that squirrel is a powerful entity on clunky?

It's well known that if something has one name, that's like always a telling thing that they know as a power move.

Yes, absolutely.

Um, very well, yeah, listen, guys.

To clunked to clunk t

that was good.

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Later, my rebels, then do ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Wow.

Look at all these

kids.

Heckably dressed children.

Yes, they are remarkably well groomed.

It's horrifying.

There are an abnormal number of children on Prompted so far.

We may be in the proximity of some sort of training academy or boarding school.

Hey, Pleck, I lost a shoe.

Pleck.

Yeah.

That one over there, do you think he's giving me like a like the eye or something?

Well, I mean, you're really big.

Maybe he thinks you're like some sort of...

I smell ice cream.

That one.

I smell ice cream.

Okay, that really demanding one over there?

Yeah.

Wait, where's that ice cream coming from?

That ice cream smell.

I mean, honestly, it could be any of us.

We got ice cream.

You are very full of ice cream.

In fact, I've.

It's in you.

I can see it.

Excuse me.

It's moving through your body.

Touch me.

C-53, is this like a planet where everyone's a child?

How would that work, Ambassador Dexter?

I don't know.

That's a question for you.

That's a classic C-53 question.

It is not a planet of children.

I'm just saying, like...

Yeah, our parents love us.

This is the most prestigious academy in the quadrant.

What do you mean, the academy?

This whole...

It's a small planet, but the whole thing is a school.

When your parents love you, they send you away.

Yeah, I guess so.

To be fair, that's what happened to me.

I was 22.

So I'm not sure if it's the same.

So you're an adult.

But your parents sent you away?

Yeah, well, they were like...

Did they not love you?

Well, they were like, get a job.

That's like the same same thing, right?

And you couldn't get a job on Rangus 10.

I didn't want to be a farmer, so I joined the Federated Alliance.

Now I get to go on space adventures every day.

Huh?

What do you think of that?

You want to be an ambassador when you grow up?

Chuck, no.

Okay.

Juck the Federated Alliance.

Whoa, you can't say that.

I can say whatever I want.

Well, for now, you're going to have to say, I'll hail the Federated Alliance.

Or what?

Or I will crush your hand.

No.

Steve.

Don't, no, no, no, don't do that.

I'm sorry, but no, I know that that's technically the

rules.

No, no, no, no, no, no, listen, kid.

You're gonna tell, oh, crap.

C-53, listen, we gotta talk about the insubordination thing.

Like, you can't, you can't harm a child.

Ambassador Tech Center, the insubordination rules are clearly laid out in the Federated Alliance handbook.

Yeah, but see, I mean, it's just, he's just a kid.

Hey, stupid boots.

Okay, now.

What?

Maybe.

Jucking stupid boots.

I was just just sticking up for you.

I was literally in the process of sticking up for you.

The big one is cool.

The droid is cruel.

You've got stupid jucking boots.

These are standard issue boots, by the way.

And this

is Squirrel.

Hi.

Hello.

Hey, thanks so much for inviting us.

My name's Ambassador Pleck Dexetter.

I'm here with the Federated Alliance.

This is C53.

Oh my God.

And this is Dar.

Hi, I'm Jennifer Squirrel.

It's nice to meet you.

I'm the holographer at the school here, and it's holiday.

Holo Day!

Happy holiday!

When I say hollow, you say day!

Hollow!

Oh!

Today!

Hollow!

Day!

Do you remember having one like this on Rangus 6?

I mean, yeah, no, yeah, we'd get our holos taken, and I'd always have to comb my hair.

It was no fun.

Parents would pay holos in varying sizes.

Right, yep, yep.

Square, square, am I next?

Am I next?

Is it my holiday?

It's hard.

Yes, you can.

Yes, you can.

All right, go.

What background did you order?

I ordered the opaque background with a little bit of red sparkles on it.

Great, okay.

Let me just pull that down.

Great, okay, hop up on that stool there.

All right, take a moment and intend what you'd like to be in the future.

All right, here we go.

Three, two,

one, say future.

Okay,

that was great.

No second chances.

All right, bye-bye.

Whoa, listen, I don't know what just happened there, but that was intense.

Apollo Day.

Yeah, yeah.

Happy holiday.

Happy holo day.

All right, all right.

What were you saying about the future?

Oh, yeah.

So here's what's fun about Hollow Day.

Your entire future is determined by this day.

How?

So, okay,

here on Clonk.

By the way, how did you find the place?

Oh,

GPS?

Yeah,

great.

Set of coordinates.

Galactic positioning system.

Great, okay.

A lot of people fly right by us.

Do they fly right by you, or do they avoid a planet full of very loud children?

Dar doesn't like children.

You don't like children?

Yeah, she's bad with children.

Really?

I'm bad with them.

I just have already chosen that they suck.

I've been inside of this flap for a really long time.

Ah!

Ah, get out!

Oh, Dar, that kid was in your flap?

I'm so cl- I can almost get the ice cream.

You going this far for already eaten ice cream?

Shut up.

Get out.

I won't shut up.

Somebody help.

I'm stuck.

Well, maybe I'd help if I wasn't so busy shutting up.

Gross.

Jiminy, get out of that flap.

You're up.

I'm trying to get out.

Get out of the flap.

You don't want me to take your hollow in a flap.

That's not going to be a good thing.

No, I don't want my hollow in a flap.

Right down.

You cannot come.

You cannot come out of flap.

You have to go out a shoot.

What?

You cannot come out a flap.

You have to come out of a shoot.

shoot.

Well, I'm about to get my hollow.

Don't exit out flaps.

I exit out the chutes.

Okay, well,

Miss Squirrel, I'm going to have to climb up through this flap.

Oh, well, three, two, one.

You've been hollow.

No second chances.

Okay, bye-bye.

That hollow is just of that kid's feet going into this going into Dar's flap.

He has zero future.

What?

Yeah, well, so on holo day,

we've set up the kids and they get to pick their background

and we take their hollow and then printed on the back side of the hollow is what is in store for them for their future.

So

this day determining.

Yeah.

Well, I sort of do it,

but it's a power that was

wished into me.

So I am not in control of it.

I'm merely a vessel for the future determining.

So I'm the one that does the hollowing, but I the future is just sort of beyond me.

That's cute.

So you just kind of like assign these kids like little professions,

like their entire future.

I believe Jennifer Skronk may be precognitive in some manner.

Yeah, that's crazy.

So how often are you wrong about that?

Oh, I've never been wrong.

I've never been wrong.

I've never been wrong.

You determine their futures correctly every time.

Every single time.

Jiminy, who's in your flap, he'll never come out your chute.

What?

No, no, no, no.

Sorry, that's his future.

No, no, I don't want.

Not only do I not want kids, I've never wanted a kid inside of you.

You're not a mother.

You're just stuck with a child in your chute.

That's his future.

No second chances.

Happy holiday.

Wow.

Oh, I really liked him.

Listen, Jiminy.

I'm not happy about this either.

I hope this is not a fate that befalls more children at this particular time.

Yes, keep your flaps closed, please.

Wow, policing my body?

No, no, no.

This is a flap positive planet.

This is a flap positive planet.

I'm just saying, if you're going to walk around with open flaps, kids might fall in them.

I don't know.

It's not a judgment.

It's just the reality of clonked.

Okay, I'm just saying.

Here on clonked, kids can just fall into flaps.

They are happy before it'll happen again.

He was exploring something that he shouldn't have been.

Miss Squirrel.

Miss Squirrel.

What's up?

I was wondering if I could get my hollow taken right now.

Okay.

Well, it's hollow day.

Yeah, I know it's hollow day, but there's an order to things.

Okay.

Garfle.

Garfle, what have I told you about rushing your destiny, huh?

Don't.

Yeah, that's right, Garfle.

I said, don't rush your destiny.

All right, pick a background.

It's a heroic background.

Okay, here we go.

Stand on that rock.

Okay.

All right.

Oh, wow.

One leg up on the rock.

That's that.

That is pretty heroic.

That would be a space architect.

Like, like La Crane La Crosse.

Yeah, it's my favorite movie.

Okay, here we go.

Think about your future.

Okay.

Think about what you want.

Here we go.

And three.

Two.

One.

Hollow.

Say hollow.

No.

No second chances.

Whoa.

What was that?

Two turn.

What?

What was that?

Oh, that's just

scary.

Well, there's just no second chances.

You get one take at your hollow, and then that's your life.

Okay, all right.

Well, I'm sorry.

You're gonna take care of your invalid mother

for the rest of your day.

That's kind of nice, Gruffle.

Shut up.

Wow.

For the rest of your day.

What happens when my invalid mother passes away?

She won't.

Oh, no.

Oh, man.

Oh, that's right.

My species is...

We're Methuselahs.

Oh, yeah.

No, methuselins.

Yeah, they just sort of get old and stay there.

Yeah, ironically, they get old early and then just stay old.

Super old.

I think I'm next.

Oh,

I think by the way.

Yeah, come on in.

How's my shirt look?

Um, it's very nice.

My sir.

Your what?

So.

Are you trying to say the word shirt?

Yeah, my circ.

His tongue was cut off.

Oh, yeah.

I'm very sorry.

C-53.

It was a punishment.

It was a real gap.

All right, hop on up.

Okay.

Yes, sir.

It looks good.

What?

Yes, sir.

The shirt looks good.

Yeah, it looks good.

I don't think it should cause you any physical injury.

Okay.

Are you guys offended, though?

Because his shirt does say Juck the Federated Alliance.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to confiscate that shirt.

Just ripped it off his body.

Oh, my gosh.

C-53.

Oh,

that's okay.

It's okay.

How's my tosser look?

Um, uh, pretty unflappable kid.

I'm gonna lean on this scaffolding.

Great.

All right, here we go.

Three, two, one.

Future!

There are no second chances.

Huh?

What am I?

Oh, you're going to be a great shipbuilder.

Yes.

This kid?

Yes.

A great shipbuilder?

Can we hear you say that?

Can't wait to build a ship.

Yep.

He's going to be a great shipbuilder?

We need to be a great shipbuilder.

Build the biggest shipbuilding.

He's going to make ships that are great.

Oh, C53.

Excuse me.

I am sorry.

It is hollow day.

There's no violence on holo day.

All subjects of the Federated Alliance must abide by the laws of the Federated Alliance.

Stop, C53.

What?

We cannot, we are ambassadors.

We cannot be doing that.

You must understand that the prime directive of all Federated Alliance ambassadors is to quelch the rebellion.

What rebellion?

What are you talking about?

I don't think that's true.

You guys settle this.

Everyone out of my way.

I'm getting my holo taken.

Oh, you have to wait Lar.

Ugh.

You have to wait and lie.

You have to wait Lar.

Yeah, I'm up next.

Centurion, pick out.

Centurion, that's a cool name.

Yeah, it's a rad name.

It's the best Rod Dan name in the quadrant.

Okay, now you're getting a little cocky.

Yeah, I'm Centurion Tittle.

Deal with it.

What?

No, it's just you got a really cool first name, but your last name is Little.

It's embarrassing.

Your last name is

so funny.

Wow.

Shut up.

Your last name is Tittle?

Why don't you juck yourself?

Whoa.

All right, Centurion,

language, okay?

Pick out your background.

Ooh,

yeah, this one.

A black hole.

Yeah.

Why a black hole?

Because it's like how I feel sometimes.

It's like no one can.

Okay, Centurion, happy holiday on three.

Here we go.

One, two, three,

happy holiday.

That was by far the biggest one.

That was like a cold wind came through.

Did you notice that?

Oh, wow.

Uh, you're a traitor.

What?

What?

You're a traitor.

You're going to betray the Federated Alliance.

Oh, yeah, well, of course I am.

Wait, of course you are?

Yeah, my dad is Rolfus Tittle.

He's a commander in the rebellion.

Rolfus Tiddle?

Son of Rolfus Tittle?

Yeah.

That last name, it doesn't work with anything.

What?

What's happening?

It's a side gig.

Okay.

Identity confirmed terrorization commencing.

Nope.

Okay.

Alright.

What did you do?

I

am free.

Dar,

are you okay?

We're gonna be fine.

Yeah, you know what?

Pleck, you and I?

We're gonna be

okay.

Everything's great.

Everything's great.

Yeah.

I had to dismember our friend.

Yeah.

I have to say, that was very impressive.

I mean, C-53 is big and he's made of metal, and like you just, I mean, just like, it was like tearing a piece of.

I destroyed him.

I destroyed him.

Oh, no, no.

It's just, I mean, he's.

And

I was only operating at like 60% and I

ruined him.

You wrecked, you straight up wrecked him.

I wrecked him.

Well, listen.

Don't take it so hard.

You did the right thing.

And honestly, it was.

It was.

You're the security officer.

You did your job.

I did my job.

I did my job.

Everything's back to normal.

I won so many croons.

I da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

You don't have to go anywhere.

Bargie, great.

Uh,

that's great.

Bargie, thank you.

How'd you do it?

I don't like to disclose that information, but say it may come to haunt me in the future.

Oh, no.

Bargie.

Oh, no.

Uh,

we gotta answer this.

Um, okay, we can do this.

We can answer.

It's totally fine.

We'll be fine.

Um, I'm just gonna uh we have to our store just yep, no, you'll follow your lead.

I'm following your lead.

Oh, crap.

All right, uh, here we go.

Ah, hey, Nermit!

Nermit!

Wow!

Wow!

Hi!

Hi, hi, hi!

Hi!

Just a couple of buds hanging out on Hollow, right?

Type of enthusiasm I like.

Yep.

Well, you know why we were so enthusiastic?

Why?

Is that was a smooth sailing mission

mission accomplished.

It was the best.

Terrific.

So cool.

So what was the what was what was the deal?

What was Squirrel's deal?

She is an excellent

cook.

Excellent cook.

Wow.

That's well, Nermit.

We wish you the best of luck.

Great mission.

One for the books.

And we will talk soon.

Before I go, I just want to say, I really,

really appreciate that I can trust you guys 100%.

It just makes me feel so good.

You guys are just on the level with me.

Anyway, till next time.

Okay, have a good one.

Bye.

I mean, it was really easy to hide C-53's absence from Nermit.

Yeah, I guess that was.

I don't know, Bart, you keep bringing it up, and it's almost like you want to talk about it.

I don't want to talk about anything.

Why don't you ever want to?

Why do people talk?

Talking is stupid.

Bart, on the count of three, Pleck and I will tell you what we did if you tell us what you did.

Yep, one.

two

three three we murdered C50.

What so sad?

You got rid of the ice cream machine?

No,

why don't you know?

C-Red IT5 credits and attributions join commencing outro protocol.

Ambassador Pleck Deck Center was played by Alden Ford.

C-53E was played by Jeremy Bend.

Security Officer Dar was played by Ali Kokesh.

Bargie the Ship and the Excited Student were played by Lujan Zolfagari.

Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy and the Unclappable Student were played by Seth Lind.

Garfall, Jiminy, and Centurion Diddle were played by Winston Knoll.

Jennifer Scroll was played by special guest Lydia Hensler.

Lydia is a New York-based actor and writer.

You can catch her improvising at the UCB Theater with her team Grandma's Ashes and in the flagship show Ascat.

For jokes and angry liberal retweets, follow her on Twitter at Lydia Hensler.

For pics of graffiti, her dog, or new hats she's bought, find her on Instagram at Lydia Schmidia.

Mission to Zix is recorded at Braun Studios in Greenpoint, Brooklyn by engineer Shane O'Connell.

This episode, edited by Alden Ford.

With sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Music by Brendan Ryan.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goyce.

Special thanks to Anna Rubinova for assisting with sound.

Mission to Zix is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom.

Thanks, Audioboom.

Have you noticed a critical error in our canon?

Send an email to crew at mission2zix.space.

I think I'm next.

I think by the next.

Yeah, come on in.

How's my third look?

How's Tyson?

How does my third look?

Your shirt?

How does your shirt look?

My third.

It's like Mike Tyson.

What are you doing?

Cracks there.

Type Cast again.

Okay, yeah, it's the fucking bartender's card.

Well, if you put like a thing over it, like a high voice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry, sorry.

How's my third look?

How does your what look?

My third.

Your what?

So

are you trying to say the word shirt?

Yeah, my third.

His tongue was cut off.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm very sorry.

It was a punishment.

It was a punishment for wearing

the wrong suit.

Well, yes.

Ironic in a way.