108: Grt Milk? [ft. Zach Cherry]

The period of civil war has ended.

The rebels have defeated the evil galactic monarchy and established the harmonious Federated Alliance.

Now, Ambassador Pleck Dexeta and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This

is Mishma.

Hey, Dar.

can I ask a question about your past?

Okay.

I just know you had like a crazy life before the Federated Alliance.

So like, what was your like specialty?

Like, how would you, how would you kill people?

Oh,

man.

I really thought this was headed in a different direction.

When you said specialty, I was a game to explain to you what my specialty is.

Oh, right.

Okay, yeah.

But how would I kill people?

You were like smuggling, right?

So like, you'd like get into trouble and like a ship would be like, we're gonna kill you.

And you'd be like, not if I could do anything about it.

And then

honestly, I'm just gonna say it was like he was there.

Okay, well, that's I don't know.

It's my birthday.

Whoa, what?

It's my birthday, everybody.

So, uh.

Oh, congratulations.

How old are you, Bargie?

Oh, you never ask a ship their age.

You never ask a ship for age.

Very rude.

Okay, everybody gets to go around and say the one thing they love about me.

Okay.

It's my birthday.

That's the thing you do.

All right, I'll go first.

I, uh, Bargie, Bargie, uh, I love the smell that your exhaust fumes make when we're leaving a planet.

It's peach cobbler.

Yeah, it's really nice.

I like it.

Thank you.

Bargie, I've known you for...

I shouldn't say how long.

I don't want to date either of us.

But I would have to say,

you know, I don't have a lot of friends, but I would count you as a friend.

Wow.

Yeah.

Oh, my.

The extensions that you had that summer.

What do extensions look like for a ship?

Retrieving image.

Oh, oh, extension cords.

Yeah, no, that makes that makes sense.

The beads on the extension cords.

Right.

It's a nice touch.

RG retrieving that image a moment ago reminded me of that.

My favorite thing about you is that your file trees are extremely orderly.

It's very easy to find files with the birthday.

I get it tested every month.

Make sure my files are clean.

Speak and span.

It's very important.

Sure.

Also, always have good jams ready for birthdays.

Oh, hey.

Yeah.

It was it was actually in the soundtrack of one of my movies I had.

Oh really?

This is from your movie?

Cholera in Space.

It's with Joanna Chichas

and Goanna Goose.

Joanna and Goanna were like a classic duo.

The best.

Rest in peace.

Rest in peace.

Ambassador Dexter.

I have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermito.

Hey, Nermit.

Hi, Nermi.

Hello.

Hey, did you know it's Bargie's birthday?

It's my birthday.

I did see that in the files.

Um, happy, happy birthday.

What's your favorite thing about me?

Oh, wow.

Um,

you know, I think my favorite thing about you is that even though you don't know my name,

even though you don't know

even though you don't know my name, I feel

like

I have faith you will eventually bring yourself to memorize it.

That's your favorite thing about Pargi?

Well, I just think that one day she will know your name.

That's optimistic.

I like it.

Thank you.

Alright, well, thanks for calling Nerma to wish her a happy girl.

I'll see you later.

Actually,

no, I have a couple things.

Well, we have a mission, but first of all, I just want to let you know

I was talking to Kranash in the shipping department, and unfortunately, the warm bean seems to have been lost in transit, so I just wanted to see if you had a tree.

You know what?

Yeah,

I think we still have the bean.

I've got it ready.

Yeah, you're sort of like on the other side of the galaxy.

We thought we'll just drop it off next time we're back.

Yeah.

No, we need the relic.

Please ship that as soon as possible.

I mean, I will say it's not going to get any colder.

I'm going to confirm it's temperature.

Yeah, don't you?

We've left it in one of the Federate Alliance koozies.

The bean is more than 400 years old.

They're not worried that it's going to get cooler.

It's that we need the bean.

Okay, okay, sure.

Yeah,

absolutely.

We'll totally ship it.

Absolutely.

Okay, well, we'll be sure to do that.

We'll talk to you later now, Nermit.

Good to see you.

Receiving another transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager, Nerve Bundle.

Okay, so you know that when I call, it's generally to assign a mission.

That doesn't have to be all about work, Merman.

Yeah, I thought you liked that.

I do.

You guys are my favorite people in the world.

You're the only people I talked to.

The people I talk.

You're the so we're the only people you talk to.

Of course not.

I just talked to that guy in shipping.

Okay, but

I'm not a work person.

Yeah, outside of work, who do you talk to?

Um, let's see.

I mean, I talk to my parents.

Sure.

Uh

good speaking with you, Junior Missions Operations Manager and

Ambassador Next and I have another incoming call from Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermid Bundaloid.

Your mission, okay?

We have a mission.

Okay.

You know how you go on missions?

Yes, I mean

you want to go on one of those and do your job?

That's rude.

Sorry, you hung up on me three times.

We really was almost positive that you weren't.

And it was when we felt the call had come to completion.

Sure.

oh, now I have to tell you, I still own a copy of that one.

What's our mission?

Yeah, okay, everyone get excited, get pumped up, pump up, get in pumped it.

You're pumped, okay?

Yeah, because this is the real deal mission, guys.

This is serious.

Yeah, you ready?

We are going to the planet Milsch.

Okay.

Heard of it.

No.

Yes.

Okay, as you know, C53 Milsh covered in so many caverns.

The caverns of Milsch are a quite a tourist destination very popular in the summer.

That's true.

The Milsh in summer.

Yes, Milsh in summer.

Three tellurian years long per yeah.

Are we hitting the summer?

No.

Are we on season?

Inevitably, we are in this the 12th tellurian year winter.

Oh, yes.

So, yeah, bundle up.

But you are going to be received by

the governor of the province that has the capital city, Milsh.

Oh.

Yeah, the most important governor on this entire planet is going to be receiving you because they have some sort of resource there that they want to trade with the Federated Alliance.

Yeah, big time.

Great.

Great, let's do it.

Can I hang up now, Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundalo?

I wouldn't wish to hang up too soon and risk your displeasure.

C53, thank you so much for asking.

I think we're good.

I want to try to have like a good sign-off here.

Yep.

So, uh, just do it.

Who are you gonna go talk to now?

Um, I have a lot of paperwork, but sure, I will talk to a lot of people.

I got it, I got it.

Your name is Gorch.

Gorch?

Gorch.

It's pretty far off.

Yeah.

Um,

all right.

I'm waiting for your fun sign-off.

Tension!

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This uh this landing pad is pretty quiet, right, guys?

I would have expected slightly more fanfare for the caliber of diplomat we're about to meet.

The greeting, Oh greetings.

Whoa.

And welcome to Mill.

Hello.

I'm Ambassador Pleck Deck Setter.

This is C53 and Dar.

We're here to meet with the Governor.

You're covered in ice.

Yes, I am covered in ice.

Many greetings.

I am the hand of the governor of Mel

The weather

is

very cold here.

Sure, yeah.

I'm

Oh, yes.

But as the hand of the governor, I regretfully inform you that he has

taken his leave from the main palace.

Oh.

Let will not be

attending to you at this site.

Uh, okay, well, we had an appointment with him.

Oh, oh, you've had an appointment.

Many have appointments with the governor of Milch.

Did I get to meet with the Governor of Milch?

Sure.

He is

abroad within the caverns.

There's nothing wrong.

Okay, well.

And he left you behind?

I've had the Governor of Milsch.

I must attend to my duties.

I bid you farewell.

Oh.

Okay.

Well,

I get the feeling he like locked himself out.

You think he'd just kick it back into the palace?

Yeah, I mean, why would you stand out here without a coat?

Well,

Hey, uh, I hear you guys are trying to get a meeting with the governor, Milsch.

Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, no big deal.

Yeah, we just had an appointment, but uh, we'll probably just come back.

Cool, cool.

Same, same, same, same.

Oh, you have an appointment?

No, but I'm looking to talk to him, you know.

I'm trying to kind of track him down.

It's one of the things I'm working on right now.

Wait, really?

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tell us about it.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I can't get into too much, obviously, because...

We're not, I mean, we wouldn't tell your secrets.

We wouldn't.

Yeah, no, we're just

here.

I mean, the way you said that makes me think you for sure would tell my secrets.

No.

Because almost any time I meet someone and they bring up secrets within the first five seconds of talking, they for sure rap me out to somebody.

That's happened 100% of the time.

It's just that you're not only a bounty hunter.

You're.

I mean,

I recognize that insignia.

Oh, really?

Dar, you know who this guy is?

I mean, you're one of the Fab 3.

That's correct.

I'm one of the Fab 3.

What?

Peter 3.

Nice to meet you.

Really nice to meet you.

Really nice to meet you.

Fab 3.

Where are you that?

I have a protocol on diplomatic relations, Troy, and I'm familiar with many insignia and mercenary consortiums across the galaxy.

What's this one?

Well, is that not also a Fab 3 insignia?

It is.

I just wanted to see if you're...

I just wanted to check you out.

Oh, yeah, I remember you guys changed your branding a couple years back.

Yeah, we had a problem with a couple of advertisements we put out that kind of, you know, targeted the wrong demographic.

Sure.

A lot of kids were hiring us.

Oh, yeah.

That's bad.

So

is that why you put it on your shirt?

Because you're like, now if it changes again, you just get a new shirt.

Yeah, yeah, that makes sense and tattoos.

Yeah, yeah.

So, wait, sorry, I don't really know too much about the Fab 3.

Are there three of you?

Yeah, there's my father, my grandfather, and me.

We're the Fab 3.

Peter 1, Peter 2, Peter 3.

Wow, that's great.

Are they still around?

Are they still around meeting alive?

Yeah.

No.

Oh.

Are they still around in another sense?

Well, I mean, I carry their memories with me every day.

Okay.

Every step of the way.

Sure, sure.

That's really beautiful.

Yeah.

You gotta give props to where you came from.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Totally.

So you're like a, I mean, you're a bounty hunter.

You're like, anybody can hire you?

Yeah, anybody can hire me.

I mean, I'm working right now, so, you know, I'm kind of off the market.

So you're on a

hit right now.

I'm hunting, yeah.

You know, Peter 3,

we're all looking for the same.

The four of us are all looking for the same guy.

I don't know what business you've got with the governor, but like we were just gonna have a quick meeting with him.

Do you do you think you could maybe help us find him?

Oh, yeah, I'd be into that.

I know where he's gonna be tonight, 3 a.m.

I don't normally get to work with people like kind of lone wolf.

But but uh that sounds pretty cool.

That's great.

What uh

you guys want to go back to Hotel Milch?

Okay, is that the hotel you're staying at?

Yeah, it's kind of my home base for the for the duration of my stay here.

Do you check in with like a pseudonym?

I check in with Peter 3.

Really?

You do?

Well, I mean, what are people gonna do?

Somebody gotta come up to my room?

I'm scary.

No, but that's hunting Peter 3.

Sure.

One of the best ways to not be hunted is to hunt.

That's what that's what my dad always told me.

Pardon me if this is an inappropriate question, but how did Peter 2 meet his device?

Well, Peter 2 is my grandfather.

Peter 1 is my father.

So which do you want to know about?

Peter 2, he died at home surrounded by friends and family.

Oh, that's pretty good.

No, we're actually pretty good.

That's why we're called the

Fab 3.

Sure, yeah.

One of the Marsha bounty hunters was after me for a little bit.

Uh, yeah, they're hacks.

Oh, they're terrible.

Then what happened?

I'm still here.

Didn't get you, obviously.

Did you kill that bounty hunter?

No, they just never got me.

So they could still be after you.

I mean, good luck.

I'll probably see him at a conference or something.

You want me to see if they're still looking for you?

I mean, they gotta be still looking for me.

It was a very high price on my head.

But wait, do you have to finish one job before you take the next job?

Well, it depends on your contract.

You know, we're freelancers, so we can really negotiate anything.

Sure.

Some garbage hunters have a rider.

Yeah, I have one of the most notorious riders out there.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

What do you ask?

I asked for a new hat every day.

Every day?

Every day of the job.

I was gonna say that.

Hat looks.

It's very stylish.

Yeah, new

the tags are still on it.

So, what if you get a hat and you're not like a it doesn't fit or it doesn't look good?

Do you just wear your regular hat?

If I get a hat that I don't like, I walk away from the job.

Whoa!

That's the end of the mission.

I'm very explicit.

I'm highly incentivized to send you good hats.

Absolutely.

I mean, look at the hat he's wearing now.

Excellent fab.

So, fab refers not only to your uh how good you are at your job, but also, like, how good you look.

It's also our last name.

Oh.

Peter 1, fab, Peter 2, Fab, Peter 3, Fab.

Oh, right.

Well, plus, Ambassador Dexter, I don't know if you've noticed this, but there's three of them.

So, is it just a coincidence that your last name is three?

Peter Three is my first name.

Okay, right.

Yeah, sorry.

Peter three is my first name.

Peter three.

Peter three fab.

Yeah.

Peter three fab.

Gotcha.

No middle name, if if you were wondering.

Okay, so before you came along, was your.

Was Peter 1 and Peter 2 called the Fab 3?

They were called the Fab 3.

Yeah.

It's just sort of been our family name going back generations.

Huh.

Cool, so this is Hotel Milsch.

Yeah, so uh you want to go grab a drink sure

yeah feeling right?

Yeah, I know the bartender here, so how long have you been on Milsch waiting for this governor?

It's my third week here.

That's not so bad.

I was doing a lot of prep work though, you know.

A lot of people think being a bounty hunter is cool and always action-packed, but it's a lot of logistics, you know, you gotta know

you wouldn't believe because I would think it would be such a cool job.

Well, it has its moments, but most of it's pretty boring.

A lot of paperwork, a lot of, you know, looking for open hotel rooms.

You gotta check your best prices because you don't wanna get price gouged.

And you gotta exchange your currency when you get to a new location.

It's really just a lot of logistical work.

Peter 3, many of the popular hollow entertainments of bounty hunter activities fail to mention much of this.

There's a lot of jumping backwards while shooting.

Do you ever do that?

I have done that, yeah.

Have you ever thrown an igniter of some kind and had something explode behind you as you walked away from it?

Yeah, I have done that.

I've done each of those, but only once.

Have you ever have you ever been riding like a hoverbike and had to take down a guy in a big truck next to you?

Yeah, I have done that.

Okay, I have done that.

Have you ever fired a laser by turning it to the side before you fired it?

I have done that.

Yeah, I have done that.

Is it thing that makes you the best bounty hunter that you're just really good at finding hotel prices?

That I would say that's probably 80% of it, yeah.

Because then that saves you a lot of money and that lets you have access to better quality gear.

Stay on the job longer.

Stay on the job longer.

So you're just really good at budgets and well, I'm not just really good at that.

I just feel like my dreams are being shattered right now.

I bet he's also good at maximizing the impact of, for example, a hotel loyalty program, where he might accrue points for staying with a certain hotel.

That's right.

But that actually sometimes makes the jobs difficult because they don't always have the brand that you have the most points at and you're your target.

So, you kind of gotta, then you gotta work on a speeder rental.

So, you just gotta factor in all those decisions.

Do you wreck a lot of speeders?

I never wreck a speeder, that ruins your insurance rates.

Whoa.

Yeah, so this is where the bar's at.

It's on the roof?

Yeah.

Oh, it's pretty cool.

It's very cold.

Yeah, geez.

It's an outdoor bar.

Hey, oh, look at it.

Holy shit.

Wink, do you see the inside?

What's up, guys?

Do you guys want some dust?

No, no, no, we're good.

Hey, listen, Peter 3.

No, I never used dust on the job.

You've never used dust on the job?

Not on the job.

You should.

You should dust it up.

Hey, Peter 3, these are my friends Samo and Wink.

We met at Slog's Diner like a few weeks ago.

No, we're not your friends.

Okay.

Well, we did dust together, so.

We do dust with anybody.

Do you seriously don't want some dust?

No.

Yeah, no, we'll just catch up with you guys later.

So go.

Alright.

Bye.

They seem cool.

They seem nice.

I

don't know.

Hey, Peter 3, pull up a tether this table.

What do you guys want to drink?

Drinks from me.

What do you guys want?

Oh, that's really nice.

Some uh gird milk.

Hey, Peter 3, I've never seen you any more people.

Yeah, I know, it's pretty cool, right?

These are my friends.

Cool.

What do you guys want to drink?

Do you have any power?

Yep.

I'll I'll take some of them.

Great.

There's a plug behind you.

Okay, you.

Pinky.

You.

Oh, um, what do you have on tap?

Uh, we got gut milk.

Hmm.

Girt milk is good here.

Yeah.

Okay, I guess I'll take that.

Great.

You, big guy?

Uh, nothing for me.

Thanks.

You sure?

Oh, yeah, I'm sure.

Wait, Dora, what's wrong?

I just can't believe how lame Peter 3 is.

We got a lot of things on tap.

You want him to hear the list?

No, I wanted wanted to hear what was on tap.

You took the first option.

You took such a long pause after that.

I thought that was all there was.

But you look so stupid after it.

I did.

I just thought that was all my that was the only option.

Okay, well, you already ordered.

So, big guy, what do you got?

Girt milk, light beer, we got dark beer, heavy beers, black beers,

light brown beers,

purple beers, orange beers.

Can I have an orange beer?

Oh, you.

I got your order.

Have a girt milk and an orange beer.

Peter 3.

Oh, he's cool, trust me.

Yeah, okay.

He's a nice guy.

We're friends.

You're lucky you're here with Peter 3.

I'll take an orange beer.

Good choice.

I'm the double.

Thanks.

So, Peter 3, I have a question though, because, like, we're here to see a governor, you're here to see the governor.

Like, what do you think he's in hiding from?

Oh, well, he probably heard I was in town.

What does he have to be afraid of from you?

Peter 3 is a bounty hunter.

Yeah.

And Peter 3 is clearly here to kill the governor.

To kill the governor?

Yeah, I mean, what did you think I was here to do?

I don't know.

He seems like such a nice guy.

I am a nice guy, but I also, for work, kill people.

Oh, man.

Listen, I misinterpreted this whole thing.

What about this?

Could you have misinterpreted?

Black, I think anything we've learned today is that whatever whatever ideas we had about bounty hunters before we met Peter 3 are wrong.

What do you mean by that?

Your job is clerical work.

Well, yeah, that's it's clerical clerical work plus killing.

Killing takes literally one second.

And then you go fill out paperwork.

And you do some of that before and after.

Where's the action?

Where's the sex?

Well, sex is separate from my job.

If you want to talk about my sex life, I'm happy to discuss it.

I mean, yeah, I mean, we still got a little time till 3 a.m., so.

And Messer Dixon, you do realize he's going to kill the governor at 3 a.m.

Oh, yeah.

So if we wait till 3 a.m., the governor will be dead.

I guess you'll be unable to speak.

But you guys can talk to him for...

How long do you need?

Like five minutes?

No, no, come on.

What, ten minutes?

No, you're supposed to kill him.

He's a bounty hunter.

Well, he's also our friend.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So, wait, you're my friend?

Yeah, I would say so.

Oh, man.

Yes.

You know, if I kind of run through the list, you guys are definitely top five.

We are the top five.

Three of us are your top are in your top five friends?

All three of you are for sure top five.

Three of us, the bartender.

Who's the fifth person?

One of those people with Samuel.

Which one?

You.

sorry samuel that's all right it's okay i'm so gusted up right now right i'm so fine i just want to say i'm so psyched to be surrounded by my top five friends on a night like this

all five of your best friends in one place oh peter three hits you a girt milk and we got uh

orange beer and i'm sorry buddy that was the last girt milk

Yeah, that was the last girt milk.

Okay, that's cool.

That's cool.

I kind of didn't want the girt milk anyway.

Cool.

Let me know if you need anything.

to get a milk.

Yeah, but I also ordered an orange beer.

No, you didn't.

Okay.

C53.

You ordered a GERT milk.

C53, can you play back when I ordered an orange beer?

I can't replay you ordering a GERT milk.

No, I don't need to hear that.

There it is.

Girt milk is good here.

Yeah.

Okay, I guess I'll take that.

Great.

Okay.

So, obviously, you ordered something we don't have.

Yep.

So

I'm going to go back to the bar.

Okay.

He's great.

He seems an interesting guy.

I like his face tattoo.

Listen, Peter 3, I'm starting to feel a little bit nervous about this job that you've got.

Like, what would it take to convince you not to kill the governor?

Well, that would require sort of an entire lifestyle change for me.

Oh, so there's no going back.

I mean, so I'd have to abandon my entire code in order to do that.

You've never backed down on a job?

Never backed down on a job.

I've completed all three jobs that I've ever taken.

Three jobs?

Well, like I said, there's a lot of paperwork that goes into, so I usually average about...

You've been a bounty hunter for 37 years.

I average about 12 years per job.

And you're the best bounty hunter.

In terms of accuracy, not in terms of volume.

Are you at least gonna kill him in a cool way?

What I'll do is I'll offer him choices.

I'll say, would you rather die by...

You offer him choices?

You actually let him tick a box?

That's right.

There's paperwork every step of the way.

So he can choose from any number of death options.

Let's hear the full list.

So punging, gunshots, poison,

girt milk,

death by girt milk.

Yes, death by girt milk.

Is that one just like open to interpretation?

I I've never actually done it before, but my understanding from the handbook is that you get them to drink.

The handbook?

Yes.

You're required to complete three different levels of Bounty Hunters' handbook before you're able to actually go out on the job.

With bounty hunters, the only way to, you know, keep it legal and not have it just be a complete mess is

legal?

Completely legal.

What are you talking?

I thought

what are you talking, Professor Dexter?

A bounty was placed on the governor of Milchney.

Peter III accepted it, and he is waiting to kill the governor.

Is there something amiss in this situation?

All the proper paperwork has been filed.

You know, my job is not really so different than our bartender friend here.

We actually bonded over that earlier.

Three handbooks.

If you're gonna just be standing there, can I just get an orange beer, please?

What are you talking about?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Oh, hey, it's the hand of the governor.

Oh, hey.

I couldn't help but over here

that you're looking for the governor.

Yes, we told you.

Yeah, we're all looking forward to that.

No, but I.

I'm I'm winking and I hear that you're looking for the governor.

If the governor had an accident,

then the hand of the governor would

become the governor.

Governor hand here through Gertmilk.

Thank you.

Wait, you said you were out of Girtmilk.

He ordered before you.

He placed his order and fancy called me.

I said it as a family.

I didn't order this orange beer.

I'll dump it out.

No, I'll pour it out.

Yeah, dump it out.

No, I'll pour it out.

Pour it out.

Dar, can I have some of your beer?

I already drank it.

But all I'm saying to everyone, yeah,

we get it.

And that's reduxiter.

This may be a fix for all of our problems.

Peter 3 can go ahead and assassinate the governor of Milkstone.

Can he?

Do you public notary?

Whatever.

Yeah, that'll happen after the.

I happen to be a notary public.

Perfect.

Well, then, upon the assassination of the governor, the hand becomes the governor, and we can speak with him.

We don't even have to move.

Man, it feels weird to know that someone's gonna be murdered, and there's nothing I can do about it.

So, if any of us here had a hit out on them, I would want to do whatever I could to save them.

Does it matter that the governor is not a cool dude?

He's not cool.

Yeah, I mean,

a little, but like, not, I mean, not that much.

Because, like, ultimately, like, who deserves to be murdered?

Anyone who I'm paid to murder.

No.

Anyone who I

pay to murder.

There's no need to be shy.

It's legal, apparently.

Yes, I am the one who

employed the Fam 3 bounty hunter.

It came highly recommended.

I was at a cocktail party and a friend of mine said,

You'd like to kill the governor.

I said,

and then he said, well, I know.

It was a friend recommended to him.

When I made the order, you asked, How did you hear about us?

Because we have some targeted ads.

I'm trying to get a gauge on

the other side.

It's a very good way

the bottom of

new avenues.

Print media.

Sure.

Print is the future.

I don't know if that's true.

That's what everyone says.

I don't know if that's true.

So, it's uh 249.

I could either go kill him and you guys wait here.

We can meet back up maybe after, or you could come with, talk to him.

Doesn't really matter to me.

Oh, man, this makes me feel weird.

That's no deck sitter.

Unless we were to involve ourselves in trying to stop the legally sanctioned bounty hunt, the governor's going to die.

I don't know what paper jam might stop you.

Well, no, I have a backup printer.

You always bring a backup printer and also bring all your paperwork in triple kit, so that's not an issue.

Yeah, I guess uh

I guess I don't want to interfere in a legal proceeding.

Um drinks for the road, drinks.

Uh you're out of girt milk.

Oh, we just got a little more.

Then yeah, I'll have some more girt milk.

Great.

Girt milk.

You're gonna get a goofy.

Pinky, what you want.

I'll take a- I'll take an orange beer.

Okay, orange beer.

And you, big guy.

Orange beer.

Orange beer.

Alright.

Go back to the bar.

Thanks.

You know, I think we should go with you.

Let's follow you into the caverns.

Yeah.

Cool.

I peter three girt milk for the road to put in a superform cup.

Thanks.

And a orange beer for you, big guy, and an orange beer for you.

Thank you.

Sure.

Went off without a hitch.

Why, what do you mean?

It just seemed like I was never gonna get a drink.

What are you talking about?

Because I didn't get my girt milk or my orange beer last night.

Once?

You just threw my beer in my face.

You insulted him.

You're complaining that was my last orange beer.

You were kind of accusing him of singling you out.

You didn't get what you ordered once.

And you acted like that just defines my bar.

Shame on you.

A little red.

You're banned.

Banned from this bar.

Banned.

In the mill shot.

Yep.

I was thinking about maybe we'd come back here after.

Okay.

You're friends with Peter 3.

You could come back once.

Okay.

Because you're so obsessed with when the things happen one time.

Come back once.

Bye.

Go back to the bar.

I don't know why he stands there every time.

I'm going back because someone might order from the bar.

We know it.

Okay.

You're a bartender.

Well, that two-headed monster's boffin.

Okay, you guys want some more dust?

No, we're good.

We're good.

We're good.

We're about to see someone get assassinated.

No, Katie, please don't.

No,

we'll come.

I don't want to get a cut.

No,

It'll be fun.

I got a family-sized Peter, so.

Man, listen, see if it's...

Maybe we should just head back to the ship.

I just feel like we got in the middle of a weird situation.

Yeah, but see, I don't want to get mixed up in this.

We're either going to talk to a governor who just killed one governor, or we're going to talk to a governor who is then immediately killed.

Ambassador Dexter, do you not have the stomach for diplomatic work?

Is that what this is?

Yes.

We're meeting with the legal governor who legally paid Peter III to assassinate the existing governor.

Hello again.

Are you getting on?

Yes, yeah.

I'm getting on.

I just wanted to assure you that the federated alliance

can rest assured that Milch will still trade with them.

We're a valuable resource.

Ice.

Oh.

Is that what the Federated Islands hope to gain from Milch?

Frozen water, yes.

Their only export.

Makes a lot of sense.

Yeah.

Okay.

Although to be taken off planet might melt the ice, but it's still

we can keep the ice cool.

Yeah, we have a

refrigerator.

Very well, very well.

Oh, yeah.

In fact,

we have something for you.

Speaking of

keeping things cool,

here is a Federated Alliance koozie.

Good for orange beer?

Yep,

milk.

Oh, very good.

It's just one koozie.

Yes.

Yeah, well, it's more of a token.

It's not really.

We'd also be paying you for the icing, I guess.

The governor is dead.

oh what the governor is dead

oh wow she's his horrific wife

ma'am ma'am ma'am i just need you to fill out this form first okay

how would you like his body to be handled like put into the blue eyes that's the first option there's a whole list if you want

okay we'll put him in the eyes i need your initials on here i'm asking

probably

yeah i guess i guess

um i'm sorry for your loss

Hey, Peter 3, before we go,

how did you do you're on the elevator with us?

How did you do that?

I have my ways.

That's the thing you're gonna be mysterious about?

That's very mysterious.

That was...

Oh, man.

He died of old age!

Surrounded by his friends and loved ones.

What?

Wait, he died of old age?

Yeah, that's one of the options on the list.

That's one of your options?

Yeah.

That's the last one on the list.

Most people, cheese that.

I met with him last night and he filled out his half of the paperwork.

I mean, I guess

I feel a little bit less weird because that would have happened anyway, right?

Why would this be any less weird?

Because Peter III killed this man.

According to the law, I did kill him.

Yes, the law says it.

He did kill him, and therefore I would also have to marry the governor's wife.

Which is fine, because we've been in love this entire time!

That was definitely a major factor in the killing.

I'm so happy!

I'm crazy about you.

We should go.

We should go.

We should go.

Stay!

Do stay!

Alright, I'd be happy to come swing by.

What are you making?

Soup!

Oh, never mind.

Attention!

And attention, Rebels.

This is your favorite leader, Rolfus Tittle, here to tell you that support for the rebellion against the stupid ass Federated Alliance comes from Miyandis.

Our rebel pilots, who happen to be fellas, are raving about Miyundis' diamond seam pouch.

It cradles your jewels and gets just the right amount of support without feeling too tight.

They are the ultimate feel-good undies when you want to feel naked, but not be naked.

We found that fighting against the alliance while naked was not the best idea.

Just, you know, like logistically.

But get this: meundies comes with a 100% satisfaction guarantee.

100%.

If you don't love your first pair, you get a full refund.

And if you order now, you get 20% off your first pair plus free shipping.

Are you kidding me with this deal?

Go to meundies.com/slash zix.

Z-Y-X-X for that special offer.

That's meondies.com/slash zix.

Rolfus Tittle in an oh so comfort you pouch sign off

hey Nermit hey so I didn't I didn't have a chance to read any logs so how did it go on on Milch?

Great.

The ice trade is secure.

Amazing.

So did you figure out what the resource is?

Because they would only communicate to us in code and say the resource was quote ice.

So what did it turn out it was?

Ice.

Oh, ice.

Oh, no, yeah, it's frozen water.

They said explicitly it's frozen water.

Well, I know that's what ice is, but what's the resource?

What's their precious resource?

They wanted to meet with the Veterated Alliance.

No, it's definitely

diamonds or

precious jewels.

No, it's ice.

Well, why would they that's worthless?

That's on any planet that's floating around in space.

Why would they try to trade that?

Yeah, we know.

I know, yeah, that's a good question.

Yeah, you said that

is not a part of our mission to assess the worth of the ice.

So you told the governor, sorry, but we're not interested, and good luck or Nermit,

the governor of Mil Shnoo is dead.

What?

Yeah, the hand of the governor, he replaced the governor after the governor was assassinated and also had the governor assassinated around family and people who loved him.

This happened while you were there?

Yeah.

Guys, I detected ice on board, so I made some drinks.

Hey!

Happy birthday to me.

It's my birthday.

C-Red IT5, credits and attribution story, commencing Outro Protocol.

Ambassador Pleck Deck Center was played by Alden Ford.

C-53 Diplomatic Relations and Protocol Droid was played by Jeremy Bend.

Security Officer Dar was played by Allie Gokesh.

Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundaloy and The Bartender were played by Seth Lind.

Barchie the Ship and Wink and The Horrific Wife were all played by Mujan Solfagari.

The Hand of the Governor and Samo were both played by Winston Noll.

Peter 3 Fab the Bounty Hunter was played by special guest Zach Cherry.

Zach has appeared in fun things like Search Party and Crashing and Spider-Man Homecoming.

And you can see him at the Upright Systems Brigade Theater with Goat.

Mission to Zix is recorded at Braun Studios in Greenpoint, Brooklyn by engineer Shane O'Connell.

This episode edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Music by Brendan Ryan.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goyce.

Mission to Zix is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom.

Thanks, Audioboom.

Have a question for the crew?

They have email.

Send an email to crew at mission2zigs.space.

If you're enjoying Mission to Ziggs, please consider leaving a rating and review on Apple Podcasts or iTunes.

If you dislike the podcast, please write your review on a small piece of paper and insert it into the flap or chute of your choosing.

Got a lot of things on tap.

You wanted to hear the list?

No, I wanted to hear what was on tap.

You took the first option.

You took such a long pause after that.

I thought that was all there was.

But you look so stupid after it.

I am desperately trying to figure out how to label you as Mike Tyson right now.

I am really, really, really, really like, I'm like, I'm like, do I bring up homing pigeons or the face tap, too?

Yeah, we have lots of things on tap, but you clearly wanted that one.

So.