107: The (Redacted) [ft. Michael Cruz Kayne]

The period of civil war has ended.

The rebels have defeated the evil galactic monarchy and established the harmonious Federated Alliance.

Now, Ambassador Pleck Dexeta and his intrepid crew travel the farthest reaches of the galaxy to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This

is Mishman.

And that's a photo of me when I was younger.

This is me on the red carpet.

Hey, hey.

This is me with my date chandelier bidet.

Wow, he was a great guy.

What happened to him?

He was shot to death by a torque click.

Oh.

Honestly, best way to go.

Shot to death is the best way to go.

Torquels have sort of like those ray guns, right, that just totally vaporize you immediately.

Okay, and they give you immense pleasure and then you die.

Oh, I want to be shot by a Torklick.

Bargie, who is that one ship that you used to have that rivalry with?

Tiny Toots.

Yes,

where is she?

Let's just say, uh, you know, the number one team of the Federator Alliance.

That's the ship.

Oh,

you see that all the holes.

Yeah, and all the Turkmannequit.

All the halls, he's the lead ambassador, Turkmannequin.

Yep, anyway, Tiny Toots got like like five levels.

She can hold like 200 people.

Whatever.

It's ironic that her name is Tiny Toots.

No, she used to be really tiny.

They just added on

it on.

I used to get upgrades.

That's why I have that wing.

Oh, yeah,

the one wing.

Did you used to not have the wing?

Yeah, I had zero wings.

Oh, you're just the tube part.

Stealthy.

They call me the sensual bodge.

Really?

Ambassador Dexter.

I have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bunalloy.

Hey, Nermit, what's up?

Hey, team.

Hey, did you know that they used to call Bargie the Sensual Barge?

Did not see that in her personnel file.

Huh.

You can just update the personnel file, C53.

Of course.

Would you like me to update yours?

Do you have anything new to report?

Wow.

I have been

doing an excellent job.

I'm afraid that's not the kind of thing I can add to a personnel file that can only be added to the filter.

Can you also read excerpts from personal files?

No, don't.

Please don't.

I would love to know a little bit more personal detail about our junior missions operator.

Very well.

Junior missions operations manager Mermid Bundeloy has been disciplined a number of times for failing to report for physical examinations.

I.

Those are very invasive.

I don't understand why the instruments have to read you from the inside.

Nermit, you're not that much of a prude.

Come on.

It's just a very large thing to sit on and have go inside you.

I am.

How large are we talking?

Yeah, Nermit, I don't think I've ever really.

How big are you?

Whoa!

No, I'm not.

I don't mean it like that.

How big are you?

No, like how tall are you?

I'm 19 inches tall.

What?

I'm 19 inches tall.

What?

Well, that's so much smaller than I thought.

What do you mean?

That's average for my species.

I just...

I guess

the camera that you're on is like zoomed way in because I always thought you were sort of like Tellurian-sized person.

Nermit.

You should stand next to a ruler so we know.

In my third grade class, I was the second tallest person out of four.

That's...

Okay.

Nermit.

Out of four.

Nermit.

To go back to his original question, though, how big are you?

That is what I really don't care.

That's not what he meant, and I'm not going to answer that.

That's not what he meant.

Is that in his personnel file?

Do not read that part of the personnel file.

Two inches.

That's.

I mean, for a 19-inch,

wow.

I'm slightly embarrassed by how large it is.

Nermit, that's right.

Nermit,

on my planet, you want a small one.

Not on my planet.

Nermit, your genitalia is more than 10% the size of your body.

Okay.

I really want to meet you now.

I'll bet you're adorable.

What's our mission, buddy?

Okay.

It's an exciting one.

If we can switch to the old mission talk here.

Yeah, okay.

We've been ready for mission talk the entire time.

Okay.

This isn't anything that you've done before.

You are going to retrieve a relic.

What?

Yes.

You're going to retrieve a relic that is very important to the Federation.

And let me just pull up the file here.

You will be finding the...

It just looks like it's...

There's a security clearance here that I haven't...

Let me put in a password.

It's not letting me...

Okay, so that's redacted.

You will be going to...

This is all redacted.

And then you will bring back the...

A couple paragraphs are all redacted.

Apparently I can upload this to C53, but it's beyond my security clearance, which is strange because I'm your superior officer.

C-53 transmission now.

C-53, you have higher security clearance than our boss.

That really shouldn't be.

Well, I am allowed to receive information that is fully encrypted, so even I don't know the contents.

Then, what's the point of receiving them?

I am transmitting destination coordinates to Bargary and Jade now.

Here again?

Oh, boy.

You've been there?

You've been to this place?

I vacationed here a couple summers ago.

Oh.

Of course, there's no summers here, you know what I mean?

This is a place with no summer.

It's a horrible place.

Honestly, I had the worst time there.

Also, I had a movie there that tanked.

So, I'm not really the most favorite person in that place.

I hate it here, so I'm just gonna hover outside.

All right, let's go.

Okay, see you later, Nermi.

Can I give me a leaf?

Please, uh, connect if you have anything you want to show me about the relic or anything.

Oh, let you know.

Nermit, uh, you connect with us if uh, you want to please don't.

Okay,

bye.

We're hailing the Barterian Jade.

Oh, wow.

All hail the Federated Alliance.

You're speaking to clint number 7797.

Oh, it's just the last four.

Yeah, that's an easier way to do it.

That makes sense.

What are you doing in this system?

Regarding something?

Is it the redacted?

Do you mean the relic?

Who had that redacted?

Our boss.

Alright, well, nobody usually has it redacted, but um, no, there's a gatekeeper who is guarding the relic via a system of riddles.

Oh, and uh,

well, you know, I wanted to, but 7798 is down.

Have you guys met 7798?

No, I think he's an asshole.

Okay, well,

no, seriously, big asshole.

Sure, junk that guy.

Okay, seriously, fair enough.

He's also got like just his face is just one of those punchable faces, you know?

Wouldn't he have the same face?

I don't think so.

I don't think so.

What makes your face different from 7798?

I'm giving you clearance to land.

Alright.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's always a hassle with those guys.

They really seem to have it out for each other.

Is it just me?

This planet is very small.

It's rare that you can see the curvature of a planet.

Yeah, very tiny.

Is it going to be weird for...

Are we going to throw off the gravity to land on it?

Like, Bargie, can we land on this planet?

I'm just going to throw you guys out.

I can't breathe in space.

I don't feel comfortable landing.

I'm wanted.

I'm wanted on this planet.

Legally, by the law of this planet, I should not be here, so.

Okay, fair enough.

Okay, no,

I can't breathe in space.

I can't breathe in space.

Just let me put on a suit.

Bye.

Is there an atmosphere down there at C53?

Can we see?

There is an atmosphere down there.

Yes.

Okay, great.

Well, then I'll just take the suit off and I get there.

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Do it for the rebellions.

See Sukundu arms

man Bargie was not joking.

It is cold here.

And weird that they wouldn't build shelters to block out the coals.

No, there's sort of a lot of sort of

canopies.

I was going to say like gazebos, but canopies is probably more accurate.

Much more bleak than gazebos.

Yeah, there's canopy honestly.

Not a lot of neutral light.

No.

Just a couple of pinpricks of stars, and that's about all we get.

A lot of clints, though.

It looks like an entire garrison is here.

Get down on the ground.

Get down on the ground.

Yes.

Show me your Federated Alliance ID card.

Show me your fake.

Right here.

Yep.

Alright, that's a good fake.

Thank you.

I'll hell the Federated Alliance.

Yep,

Ambassador Plaque Deck Center.

This is C-53 and DAR.

Hello, I'm Clint 7799.

Oh, great.

Great to meet you.

We've heard so much about you.

All right, let's get to.

Wait, who did you hear about me from?

Oh, it's just some Clint 7799.

9-4?

9-7?

9-7.

He was in orbit.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's an asshole.

Yeah, that's the thing.

You know what his face is?

Punchable?

Yeah,

I like you.

Yeah, I mean, I get it.

We're on the same page.

You know what?

I'm kind of the alpha.

Sure.

I'm a little bit of this.

I'm the smartest one here.

Oh, really?

Yeah, so I heard you guys want to call the clones all be the same level of intelligence, sorry.

No, I don't think so.

I don't think so.

I feel like

I'm like a riddle guy, you know?

Oh, really?

So, how is the riddle solving going?

Not great, not great.

Well, I'll tell you this.

As a riddle guy, the first riddle is

very hard.

Sure.

And, like I said, oh, hey, 7798.

This is the ambassador team.

Hi, I'm Clint, 7798.

Great, hello.

Great to meet you.

Do you want me to take them around?

I was kind of taking them around.

Well, I can also take them around.

You've got no garrison duty.

I mean, yeah, I have garrison duty, but I can also take them around.

You know, it's fine.

We can just probably.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, 77998.

He'll take you around.

I'll take you around.

Great, sure.

So, you guys are here to solve the riddles?

Yeah, yeah, we're here to seek the relic, I guess.

Have you taken a shot at anything?

I don't want a brad, but I'm kind of the riddle guy.

Really?

Of all the garrison.

Well, yeah.

Yeah, I'm kind of an alpha.

I'll tell you this much, though.

Yeah.

If I don't solve this riddle,

I'll destroy this planet.

Oh, that's a good idea.

I'm gonna

call an orbital bombardment and I'll destroy the planet.

No, you can't.

We We need to get the relic from your planet before you do that.

Yeah.

We'll bomb them all and let the Council of Seven sort them out.

No, no, man, that seems like a bad policy.

Are we close?

Are we getting close?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no.

We're still going.

Okay.

Just a little bit.

Oh.

Ah, yeah, I went the wrong direction.

Okay.

Sure.

We should just, you should just, you know what?

Listen, 779.

We're going to talk to you guys.

7798, we are going to make our way to the Riddle Master, and we will catch you later.

Hey, if you don't get that first riddle, don't worry too much about it.

Okay, sure.

Because we're going to blow this planet up if we don't answer it.

Okay.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi.

I'm Ambassador Pleck Dexter.

This is C53 and Dar.

We're here with the Federated Alliance.

Oh,

Your mom's here with the Federated Alliance.

Is that the first riddle?

No, why not?

How do we solve the riddle?

You have a very poor conception of what a riddle is, don't you?

That was just a straight insult, I think, probably.

Yep, I'll do the riddles when I want.

Hello?

Hello?

You come to seek the relic?

Yeah.

Yeah, we're here to seek the relic.

Well, first, you must answer my riddles.

Right.

I am Chad.

Chad?

Hey, Chad, what's up?

And you shall answer my riddles before you pass through to the relic.

Sure, yeah, let's do it.

Let's do it.

C53 is very smart, so watch out.

C53's

mom is smart.

Oops.

That is correct.

The degeneration of AI cores was not as being

powerful.

Okay, okay, great.

Any hoots and hollers, first riddle.

If you wish to pass through to the relic.

Hmm.

How old are you?

Me?

Yeah, this isn't the riddle.

It's just something I need to know for the riddle.

Oh, Oh, 23.

23?

Yep.

Okay.

Standard years, I'm 20.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, hang on.

First riddle.

You are driving a spaceship.

Okay, great.

You.

Me.

Yeah, great.

I like this riddle already.

He would never

do it,

but you couldn't even imagine that.

I'm a very well driver.

Okay.

When they first put me on Bargey, I was like, I don't have to drive this thing, do I?

And they're like, no, it's like this.

This isn't supposed to be the hard part of the riddle.

You are driving a riddle.

A riddle?

Damn it.

Okay.

Hang on.

Let me just have a little juice.

Sorry, I'm a little.

I didn't sleep.

So, what was I saying?

You are driving a spaceship.

Yeah, sure, great.

And four people get on.

Okay.

Two people get off.

Okay.

An alien gets on.

Right.

Two aliens get off.

Three aliens get on.

Two people get off.

How old is the driver of this spaceship?

Still 23.

I mean, probably still 23.

Okay, good.

One riddle down.

Wow, the clothes couldn't get past that riddle.

He really nailed that riddle.

That was.

Wow, cool.

I didn't even have to talk to C-53 about that.

I knew that one.

Pretty good.

Pretty good.

Okay.

Let's see.

A Frantac sits atop a roof.

The roof is shaped in the shape of an A.

So rolling down one side would be north and the other side would be south.

Sure.

Frantak lays an egg on the dead center of the rooftop.

In which direction does the egg roll, north or south?

Frantacs.

Don't lay eggs.

Okay, well, okay, that's two riddles down pretty fast.

That was very quick.

Yeah, we're just kind of zipping through the old riddles here.

That's good.

I got plenty more where that came from.

Alright, SC531.

Hmm?

He's the droid.

He's the droid.

That's me.

Okay.

Let's see here.

What

did the zero say to the eight?

We're both numbers.

Could have said it, but didn't.

Would have made sense in the context of such a conversation, but did not say it.

Oh, now I have it.

I like your belt.

Okay, that's three riddles down.

We're down three pretty quickly.

Is that like a riddle?

Is it a riddle?

This is sort of like a joke, though.

You're the riddle master?

I mean, no.

What are you?

What are you?

No, I just.

No, what up my question?

My question is, what's your job?

I'm an ambassador.

Okay, well, do I come to your place and tell you how to do what you do?

No.

No, no, yes.

That was a rhetorical question, not a riddle.

Also, not a riddle, if you want to point that out.

Okay, well, if it were, we'd be four down.

Hmm?

I just said it would be.

Okay.

Final riddle.

Okay.

Okay.

This is one of those riddles where I give you a thing and you have to ask me a bunch of yes or no questions to finally get to what you know what happened.

Very standard riddle time.

A Tellurian goes to a restaurant,

orders a Garfan sandwich.

We do that all the time.

The chef brings by a Garfan sandwich.

The Tellurian takes one bite, runs outside,

and jumps into infinite space.

Thereby killing himself.

Extremely blue gravity on this restaurant.

Yeah, it's one of those right by the fringe of the gravitational pool.

It could be like Slog's diner, for example.

Not familiar.

Anyhoots and hollers,

you ask a series of yes or no questions to try and determine, you know, what's afoot here.

Okay.

This is the one that usually gets the people who get through the first few, usually, at this one, they're at a certain point, they're like, nah, it's not for me.

I thought that sandwich gave him wings.

No.

You have literally no chance at it.

You may as well just hop back on that thing that shot you out here and get gone.

Okay, yeah, fair enough.

Fair enough.

I know I recognize that thing, by the way.

Yeah, you recognize Bargie.

Yeah, several movies that were released here.

I recognize the sensual barge.

Well, okay, I wasn't going to give that up.

Any hoots

and hollers?

We're at Geth the Garfan sandwich.

Where are we on this?

You asked a far too specific question.

Let's see where we can get.

I did.

Did eating the sandwich make him have a realization?

Yes.

Good.

Okay.

I mean, good for you, bad for me, because this is the final riddle.

Was the Garfon

his pet, like his dead pet?

No.

Okay.

How many guesses do we get?

We can go on for as long as you want.

Oh, really?

Where have the clins then not guessed a correct answer?

Oh, did you meet?

Did you talk to either of those clins?

We did.

Yes.

A couple of ridge-faced dum-dums, if you ask me.

I mean, that's true.

That's true.

Oh, yeah.

C, do you have a guess on the riddle?

No, I'm telling you, it's way too early to have a guess.

If you were to guess at this point, it'd be preposterous.

You should continue to ask yes or no questions.

But guessing doesn't punish you in any way.

Sure, you could guess.

Okay, you know what?

You jucking geniuses can go ahead and guess.

Was the customer familiar with the chef in some way?

No.

Was it the sandwich that made him do it?

Do you mean the sandwich had like a sentient sandwich of some kind?

No.

Biting the sandwich led to a realization which then led him to commit suicide.

This feels like a closed room mystery kind of of thing.

Hmm, what's a room?

Oh, that's a good point.

Yeah, we hadn't really thought about that.

It's like, imagine this planet, but with like

walls.

Oh, walls.

Sure.

Imagine four of them touching each other.

And then a fifth one right on top.

But you call it a

ceiling, most people.

I mean, you'd call it a roof, like that other riddle that you.

Ah, well, roofs, I know.

We have roofs of plenty.

Look around, it's roofs for days.

It's roofs.

There's a roof.

There's a roof.

There's a roof.

There's a roof.

There's sort of open-air structures.

Where do we keep the relic on this planet?

Excuse me?

Where's the relic?

It's buried in this little roof.

Like an enclosed roof?

Yeah, right behind me.

You see a roof?

You are describing a room.

Hmm.

Oh, my God.

I know these ambassadors didn't get it, but 77980 is here, ready to answer the riddle.

Actually, we were able to solve that room.

Yeah, no, we're

pretty.

Wait, what?

Yeah, we're on number four.

What was the answer?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't want to know.

The answer is you're the same age as you were when you started piloting the ship.

Why would your age change, regardless of how many people entered or exited the ship?

I feel like it would, though, wouldn't it?

No, it's not a good idea.

Almost definitely not.

It feels like it almost would.

Nah, I don't think it does.

See, he was so close to getting it.

He's the riddle guy.

Hmm.

Ambassador Dexter.

A word, please.

Sure, yeah.

Okay, one second.

I'll just be right back.

Oh, yeah, no problem.

I guess I'll just stand over here, twiddling my

tentals.

Ambassador Dexter.

I'm going to blow this planet up.

It's starting to really bug me.

I feel like an idiot now.

No, I feel like an idiot.

That first one made me feel like an idiot.

Yeah.

And I'm going to call an airstrike and blow this thing up.

We don't need to do that because we're actually.

Let this Council of Seven sort them out, baby.

Oh, that's not necessary.

How How would they sort them out after you blew everything up?

Would the Council of Seven come down to the planet and sort the bits of all the things that we're destroying?

You question the Council of Seven?

No, absolutely not.

Because that's a riddle you don't want to know the answer to.

Well, that's a riddle we do know the answer to.

We don't want to question the Council of Seven.

Right.

Yeah, no, I mean, that's why I'm the riddle guy, I asked you.

You're a real riddle guy.

Yeah, I'm a real

riddle guy.

Listen,

I think, you know, as ambassadors, we're just here to kind of ease it through these riddles, and I think we're going to do okay.

So give us, like, just a few remotes.

We'll see if it works out.

But if it doesn't, you can bet that I will be answering a riddle.

But my questions will be bombs?

Nucleoid bombs.

Oh, sure.

Yeah.

Sorry, what's going on over there?

Up.

We're just looking at these roofs.

Okay.

So I have a question then for you.

Yeah, shoot.

Go ahead.

You have three tentals.

Yeah.

And you can

twiddle them?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Watch.

Diddly do, do, diddy, dee-dee.

Twiddle.

Diddly dee-doo, diddly-do.

Three of them

are sex organs.

Oh, yeah.

All operating.

Oh, yeah.

Two of them aren't just for show.

Listen, buddy.

I just want to be friends.

At the most.

That's as far as you're going to get.

This happens a lot.

This is one of the reasons people don't get all the way through the riddles.

At some point, it's like, now they're obsessed.

Well, it's more of like a

lust.

You got it.

I'll be honest.

Yeah.

I am curious about it, and I'd like to know what it's like.

Mm-hmm.

But there's nothing here.

Yeah, but I know it.

It's fine.

You think I just am protecting myself now?

I think your mom's protecting herself.

Wolf.

Okay, you know what?

That one was good.

That's actually the first good one.

Thank you so much.

The other ones were also good.

I have formulated a question about your riddle.

Is the Tellurian secretly secretly a Garfon?

Wow, good question.

No.

I was really sure about that one.

What's that paradox where you keep getting closer to the thing, but you never get to the thing?

The A51 paradox.

Yes.

Yeah.

That's it.

A51.

This is a real A51.

Hmm.

Hmm.

I have a question.

Mm-hmm.

How was the sandwich prepared?

How is it prepared?

Irrelevant.

I was thinking like a Garfon breast, breaded and fried.

So you're more like a.

I was imagining the same exact sandwich.

Oh, you two have.

Do you two have some kind of heat there?

No.

No.

No, no, no.

No.

Okay, listen, here's the deal.

Okay.

Once upon a time,

two Tellurians were stranded on a planet

with nothing to eat but a Garfon.

Okay.

The Garfon's only enough to feed one of them.

Uh-huh.

And besides the Garfon is their dead friend, another Tellurian.

So three three Tellurian

Tellurian.

A dead Tellurian and a Garfon.

Okay.

Find three bodies.

If you want to...

Okay, I guess I screwed it up and there are three bodies.

Are you happy now?

I'm a big idiot.

Wow.

You're saying there's nothing here, but this feels like a lot of unnecessary attention.

Okay.

Your mom...

It doesn't matter.

So two living Tellurian and one dead Tellurian and one Garfon.

And they're stranded, okay?

Wait a second.

Is this relevant to the riddle or is this a different riddle?

You dummy, I'm explaining the riddle.

I can't leave this planet till someone gets the riddle, and I don't want to be in this planet anymore.

I don't want to be here in Santa or beats.

I don't want to be here anymore.

So where do you want to be?

Any place.

There are no summers here.

Not one summer.

None.

I've been guarding this relic for 400 years and have never once left this planet.

Explain why you're so pale.

Yes.

Oh, is that not normal for whatever you are?

Excuse me?

Ooh, whatever you are.

Excuse me.

Your species.

Normally, we are opaque.

I'm virtually translucent here.

Yeah.

It's not natural.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Not as sorry as I am.

Not as sorry as your mom was.

Okay.

Ha ha ha ha.

Okay.

That's true.

Oops, that's what I'm saying.

That's true.

That's true.

Listen, I'm going to explain the riddle to you, and all you have to do is say it back to me, and then you can have the relic.

Do you understand?

Okay.

Great.

That'll be the deal.

So you got two Tellurians that are alive, one dead Tellurian and a Garfon.

Right.

They can't split the Garfan?

Listen, man, I wasn't there at the time.

Okay?

It seems like there would be enough for both.

Who the juck asked you to come in here?

I just want to know.

I just want to know what happens.

There's two Tellurians.

One of them.

Okay, so what are how far did I get?

We're fighting over who gets to eat.

Okay, one gets...

Okay, there's a Garfon and one.

Okay, one of them has to eat the...

They can't split the thing.

I don't know why.

I wasn't there at the time.

Okay, so wait, are two of them dead?

One of them.

One alive?

How many?

Two are alive.

What?

7797 is transmitting from space.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

7798?

I'm 7799.

Listen to me.

Okay.

I want to get gone.

Two alive ones, a dead one, and a Garfon.

Okay.

How big of a Garfon?

I don't know.

Regular size, I guess.

It's a regular size Garfon.

Don't ask a follow-up.

Do not follow up.

So they're two dead Tellurian

and one alarm.

Listen to me.

I believe we have solved the riddle.

Oh

my

word.

What do you think the riddle is, Droid?

So, there are two living Tellurians and one dead Tellurian and a Garfon.

The two living Tellurians agree that one must eat the Garfon and one must eat the dead Tellurian to survive until they are rescued.

So, they agree that one Tellurian will prepare food, and the other one will not be the wiser whether he has eaten Tellurian or Garfon.

He eats the meal prepared by the other Tellurian, and then, after they are rescued, decides perhaps I should find out what a Garfon tastes like.

Goes to a restaurant, orders a Garfon sandwich, eats it, discovered he was the one who ate the Tellurian, and decides I can't live with the idea that I've eaten another of my species and casts himself into space.

You have unlocked the relic.

Hey, good job, C53.

There's still a lot of holes in this riddle that I wish to discuss.

Doesn't matter, couldn't matter less.

Could not matter less.

Couldn't matter less.

How would they not have shared the responsibility of eating the telluri?

Golly!

How would he not know what a Garfon?

Shut up!

Shut up!

I cannot be chokes.

This wrapping your hands around my neck, sir.

So

sorry, I'm a little amped up.

I'm going to tell you what it is before you go in there, just so you're not surprised.

Very well.

It's a big hot bean.

You're telling me about it, but I'm still surprised.

You've seen beans before, right?

Okay, well, this one's super hot.

How big?

Okay, so imagine a regular bean.

I've got it.

About four times as big as that.

That's hard.

And it's crazy hot.

Do you mean like spicy?

No, no, not spicy, like hot.

Like to the touch.

Ooh, yeah, don't touch it.

You know, he can touch it because he's a droid.

Big, hot beam.

That you've been guarding for 400

years.

That's right.

For 400 years, I've been guarding.

Still as hot as it was?

This is when he was put in there for a while.

I mean, I can't make any promises.

They don't let me peek under the roof.

Fair enough.

But when I put it there, it was a spicy hot bean.

I should have said spicy.

I shouldn't have said it.

Just the first word that came to my mind when I thought of hot, but it's not spicy.

The droid can enter.

Alright, so stroll right on into that roof.

Um,

the bean is still fairly warm.

How warm?

About 140 degrees.

Oh, so I could hold it then.

It wouldn't burn you.

Alright, can I hold it?

Yeah.

Huh.

Yeah, warm.

Dark.

So, um, okay, great.

Thank you.

Um,

listen, you got the bean.

I'm getting out of here.

I'm going to someplace where it's summer all the time, baby.

All right, this is over.

This is over.

Yeah, hey, real time is over.

Great, yeah.

Well, we

didn't think we were able to acquire the rock.

But you didn't answer all the riddles, did you?

We actually did.

Yeah, we did.

Okay, well, you cheated.

You cheated.

No, chuck this.

Juck this and chuck you, Chad juck your mom no church Chad your mom I'm calling an orbital bombardment on this planet immediately I doubt it in we are all still here game over man

The game is over though.

We yeah, no, I'm saying the game's over

before holding the relic the game is done Chad you will stay on this planet.

What do you mean?

Once someone has the bean I can leave those are the rules of my confinement the rules have changed Chad

okay listen Try to make me look like an idiot.

I'm the smart one.

Huh?

I'm the smart one.

All the rest of these guys have these faces that are just so.

You should probably keep your voice down on that because people can.

No, I don't care.

We're all gonna be dead in a few minutes anyway.

What?

Wait, you're gonna be on the planet.

Yeah, no, of course.

Yeah, of course.

No, no, no.

What?

What do you mean, of course?

In orbital bombardment, you should be in orbit when you bombard the planet.

No, it's our duty to go down with the planet.

Is that true?

Okay, I'm gonna try and jerk these tentals one last time before they blow me to smithereens.

Yeah, that's

listen, man.

I'm also gonna stick around because I just wanna.

What's the second riddle?

What is that again?

I feel like I could get it.

Okay, it's a frantic that's on a roof.

You know, the house is

a frantic lays an egg.

The house is a riddle.

Oh, you guys don't want to be around when this comes to its finish.

Gonna Gonna shoot out a bunch of spicy sauce.

Just

a house is a riddle.

You know what?

We're gonna go.

We're gonna go.

You're gonna get it, though.

Yep.

Barge.

Bargey.

Yeah.

Hey, listen, can we get a real hasty exit down here?

Uh, just a reminder.

Unfortunately, there is that restraining order they have, so I can't technically touch the ground.

So it's an A-frame roof.

I mean, Barge, they are distracted.

Maybe if I draw it, they're pretty distracted.

Yeah, I think you could probably just land.

So the egg hits here.

Yep.

Oh, boy.

Oh, no.

I wish why he doesn't prank.

Oh, dear.

Has to go down one side or the other.

Yep.

And I know that a

carfon or a flora.

Yeah, we can give you a ride.

Just pop right on.

No, no, no.

I don't want to.

No, I don't want anybody to touch me.

Please don't touch me now.

My tentils are retracting.

This is not a time when I want to be touched.

Family, we're all aboard, Bargie.

If you wish to

leave this planet alone.

Chad, thank you.

Fairly well.

Okay, maybe if I get it there.

They don't lay eggs.

They don't lay eggs.

Bye.

The rebel leader Rolfus Tittle with a very important message.

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Head to warbyparker.com slash zix Z Y X X to order your free home try-ons today.

Honestly, as I record this, I am wearing crane frames in Whiskey Tortoise, and I'm getting tons of compliments from all the other rebels.

Glasses start at just $95, including prescription lenses.

Plus, for every pair you buy, a pair is distributed to someone in need.

And here's a tip.

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It lets you take photos wearing all the frames, make a video, and share with your friends to help you pick out the best pair.

Nice!

Friends are great.

Both as tittle side.

Alright, Barchi, probably should make a pretty quick getaway here.

And let's call up Nermit and let him know we got the relic, right?

Establishing communications with Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Deloy.

Hey, Nermit.

Hello.

Yeah, well Nermit, I have good news and bad news.

Well, you should always start with the good news, though, but.

What?

That is the bad news.

Ambassador Dexter mentioned that.

Wait a second.

You were sent there to get the relic.

You blew up the planet?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, but Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundaloy, I am happy to report we have obtained the relic.

Thank goodness.

Alright, I'm so excited.

I've been trying to crack the code on these redacted documents for the whole day, and I can't do it.

And what is it?

You are looking at it.

Can you please just show me the relic?

I know I wasn't technically supposed to know what it is, but Nerman, I hate to break it to you.

Yeah, this is the relic.

It is this large hot bean.

Warm.

It's warm.

Warm bean.

We had to answer riddles to get this relic.

A warm bean?

Hey, hey, are

No, we're kind of past that, but I'm glad you brought it up again.

George, I would like to revisit that.

You were red.

We are not talking about that.

Okay,

I've been thinking about your genitalia.

When you experience a state of arousal, do you experience any dizziness or nausea?

Yeah, of course, both.

I suspected the resulting loss of blood would cause you some sort of discomfort.

Oh, come on.

You're saying because so much blood has to drain from my body because it's 19 inches tall?

You're very small.

Yeah.

I'm not.

Would you call it a warm bean?

No.

Would you call it?

I wouldn't call it.

Has anyone called it a warm bean?

No.

No.

No one has ever said the words warm bean until this relic was so dumb.

What?

Why do you have to call it anything?

I don't think anybody put that into his files.

Absolutely.

files.

How is that something you can update and you can't say I'm doing a good job?

Well, that is a

good subjective job.

Is it subjective?

Be proud, be happy.

You are the warm bean.

Huh?

Well said.

Yes.

A, we're not going to refer to my genitalia, and B, if we do, it's not a warm bean.

What is it then?

It's it's it's num num.

You could call it.

Say that again.

What?

No, we don't have to nothing.

Num num.

It's not.

I'm getting filed.

Stop.

Thank you, C.

What is num num?

It's just a nickname.

That's your nickname for your genitals?

Self-given?

What?

Of course.

Come on, guys.

You don't even know what mine is?

What?

The orangus dangus.

C-Red IT5 Credits and Attributions Droid commencing Outro Protocol.

Ambassador Pleck Deck Center was played by Alden Ford.

C-53 Diplomatic Relations and Protocol Droid was played by Jeremy Bend.

Security Officer Dar was played by Ali Gokesh.

Bargie the Ship was played by Mujan Sulfagari.

Junior Missions Operations Manager Nerman Bundeloy was played by Seth Lind.

Cloned Light Infantry Nomadic Troopers were played by Winston Knoll.

Bridglemaster Chad was played by special guest Michael Cruz Kane, who has been seen on Crashing, the Chris Gethard Show, and at South by Southwest.

He's currently writing for an animated children's show on Netflix.

Look for him around New York at What I Did for Love, Sabonis, and on Twitter and Instagram at MJCK A Y N E.

Mission to Six is recorded at Braun Studios in Greenpoint, Brooklyn by engineer Shane O'Connell.

This episode edited by Seth Lind with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Music by Brendan Ryan.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goist.

Mission to Zix is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom.

Thanks, Audioboom.

Have a question for the crew?

Send an email to crew at mission2zix.space.

Follow us on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and even Tumblr at Mission2Zix.

If someone would like to show us how to Snapchat, please follow us on Instagram.

You know, we're going to be able to do it.

Okay, it's probably T-minus 10 seconds before this whole satellite is just covered in pizza sauce.

I don't want you to get that confused with a pasta sauce.

It's a lot smoother.

You know what I mean?

Sure.

It's the thicker sauce, isn't it?

Wouldn't it be a thicker sauce?

It's a thinner sauce, you dummy.

Is a pizza sauce thinner than a pasta sauce?

Okay, well, listen, my pizza sauce, it doesn't I'm I pasta sauce seems more spreadable.

Yeah, but it's gonna have like probably some

Why are we still here?

They're going to blow up this planet