101: All Hail the Federated Alliance!

The period of civil war has ended.

In the aftermath of the Battle of Sistu, the rebels have overthrown the evil galactic monarchy and in its place established the just and benevolent Federated Alliance.

It's definitely an improvement and totally not a lateral move.

Now, to restore diplomatic relations between systems, the Federated Alliance has deployed teams of ambassadors ambassadors throughout the galaxy to bring a message of peace to every inhabited world.

The pay is six kroons per hour, which seems sort of low, all things considered.

In the farthest reaches of the Trimillion sector, a young farmboy named Pleck Deck Setter embarks with his crew on his first assignment.

a daring journey to the remote and mysterious Zix Quadrant.

Aboard the starship the Bargerian Jade, they set out to explore astounding new worlds, discover their heroic destinies, and meet weird bug creatures and stuff.

This is their mission.

A mission to

Zix.

People of FLERP, greetings!

My name is Ambassador Pleck Dexetter of the Federated Alliance.

We come bearing a message of peace and prosperity and togetherness and synergy and cooperation and synthesis and economic growth.

I went to the last one about disarming the guards, and I don't think I should do that right now.

No, that would be too soon.

So, please disarm your guards and share with us freely the great resources of the planet Flirk.

Thank you, and all hail the Federated Alliance.

Uh, what you come down to my planet, talk to me, the kula of this planet.

And you come down.

Oh, you don't even know what that is?

I mean, do you not know what a kula is?

It's like king, right?

Ambassador Texetter.

I gave you a file to read.

It's actually a war chieftain.

It's very different.

Do you even know what synergy means?

Uh, I think I have a pretty good idea.

Tell me what it means right now.

I mean, synergy is like when you make your business go to the top, as far as I know.

How does that look synergy to us?

Where are you from?

We represent the Federated Alliance.

Oh, okay.

Farm planet.

Yep, right.

So you come all the way from Rangus 6 to my planet.

And you think you can tell me what to do?

This is the Ziggs Quadrant.

Yeah.

Do you know how things work in the Zigg Quadrant?

I sort of.

If you bring a blaster,

we bring an ion cannon.

If you bring a laser pike, we bring a laser staff.

If you bring a starship, we bring a bigger starship.

That's how it works in the Zigg Quadrant.

Okay, we don't have any

guns, so you don't have to worry about that.

Oh, alright.

What is a laser pike?

It's a modified.

Does the laser shoot out of it?

No, it's a

pure

hand weapon.

Yeah, the droid is bright.

Ambassador Deck Center, give me one good reason why my honor guard should not obliterate you in this moment.

Oh, you know what?

I got this.

Dar, please present him with our Federated Alliance gift.

You think this is our one good reason?

I mean, it's pretty.

Ambassador Dexter, I strongly advise you to represent this course of action.

This, my friend, is an official Federated Alliance koozi.

What is this?

What keeps a hot beverage hot?

It keeps a cold beverage cold.

When would I use this for a hot beverage?

This is a hot, humid planet.

When would I ever use this?

I guess.

Oh, it's great for cold beverages.

Garge, open fire.

Okay, let's go.

Guys, guys, run!

Run!

Get us!

Get in!

Get in!

Close the door!

Close the door!

Bargie, get us out of here.

Get us out of here right now.

That was fast.

I thought.

It didn't go well.

It really went to shit.

We just need to get out of blaster range.

I get that.

I'm sorry.

Gosh, you know, I have this one day for myself, and we'll be making it all about you.

Ambassador Deck Center, I regret to inform you we have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Burdaloy.

Okay.

Hello.

What's shaken, Nermi?

What's shaken is a big stack of paperwork.

What?

No, come on.

Listen, I'm sorry.

I know that that mission didn't go the way that we wanted it to, but it's fine now.

There's no question on the form which is satisfactorily answered by the statement, I'm sorry.

So here we go.

Because uh, Security Officer Dar was shot in a very questionable way, okay, now we all get to fill out some forms.

I'm sorry, Dar, you were you were shot by you.

Oh, boy.

In pushing his way out of the Grand Kula's palace, Ambassador Deck Center caused a energy rifle to misfire and strike Security Officer Dar.

Uh,

I'm sorry, did you pull the rifle out of the hands of an enemy?

Because none, none of you were issued weapons.

I would describe it more as a blind panic.

Okay.

There were a lot of weapons going off, and it really could have been any of us.

Alright, Ambassador Dexetter.

Please state your name and position.

Plaque Dexetter.

Ambassador.

Great.

And please state your mission on the planet Flerp.

To establish diplomatic relations between the Federated Alliance and the people of Flerp.

And how would you rate the success of that mission?

On a scale from zero to ten?

I don't know, like a three or four?

Zero.

Okay, probably a a zero.

That is correct.

Wow, a three or a four.

Ambassador Dexter, had you only read my preparatory file on this planet, you would know that the easiest way to gain a crew's respect would be to fight him in single combat.

Well, I obviously wasn't going to be able to succeed at that.

The point is not to succeed.

Had he pounded you into dust, you would have earned his respect.

Certainly would have earned mine.

Alright, skipping down.

How many members of your own crew did you shoot?

Okay, come.

That's now we're just gonna.

I'm gonna give that a a one.

That's not an actual question, but we know the answer, right?

Okay, yes.

Great.

Are we sure that it wasn't just a random?

Would you like to watch the incident?

Let's watch the tape.

Replaying now.

Right there, you can see that.

You know what?

I messed up.

I messed up, and we all make mistakes, and I don't think we need to fill out any more forms.

Unfortunately, what you think about the forms is pretty immaterial at this point.

Dar,

state your full name?

Yeah,

remember.

Oh,

okay.

Let's just keep it with Dar.

Great.

And your position.

The muscle.

Dar, could you please explain why, in your role as security officer, you did not offer more security in this situation?

I could have if I had had a gun.

Okay, I mean, you're not gonna have weapons.

Uh, you were hired because you could approach the chieftain and you hug him in and uh squish him against some of those like chest talons and make his organs pop out of his body and he only said I was hired because he really liked me.

That's I mean I'm fond of you.

It's not why you were hired for your position necessarily, but you were.

And Mermi, if you would just let me have a gun, the next time Pleck tries to shoot me, I can kill him.

That seems extreme.

We found through research that if teams of ambassadors arrive visibly armed, it doesn't necessarily do well for the cause of the Federated Alliance.

It doesn't doesn't have to be visible.

I can hide the gun.

To be fair, Dar has a lot of flaps.

What would you call the features of your body where you might hide a gun?

I guess what a Tellurian would call my genitalia.

I can fit anything up there.

Your personnel file lists a couple chutes in your body.

Those are out.

Those are outgoing.

Oh, outgoing shoots.

Noted.

The flaps are ingoing.

Great.

We'll update the file.

File?

I mean, Nerman, if you ever wanted to try it out for yourself.

C-53.

Yes.

Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundaloy.

C-53 Protocol and Diplomatic Relations Droid.

Mission Objective: Establish diplomatic relations with planet Flurp.

Mission status?

Failure?

Is that sufficient?

Junior Missions Operations Manager Nerman Bundaloy.

You don't have to say the junior every time.

I do have to say Junior Missions Operations Manager.

There are three classifications.

I know.

I know.

Above Junior Missions Operations Manager.

I know what is a missions operations manager and senior missions operations manager.

Obviously, I know that, and I will be both of those in the future.

So do you now understand why I have to say junior missions operations manager?

Honestly, don't.

I will prepare a report that perhaps will help you understand this in the future.

You know what?

You can go hang out with my dad, who has to say junior every time too, okay?

Never mind.

Failing to draw relevance from statement.

CP3, I just want to make sure that you are recording all of these interactions.

The videos you provided have been very useful in establishing the degree to which Pleck royally jumped up.

I can confirm I am streaming all of this information to Federated Alliance, Council Compound number five at all times.

Okay, so we don't necessarily need to stream this bit.

It is against my specifications to suspend stream at any time.

Have I answered all of your questions?

Sure.

The tone of your voice indicates that there are questions remaining that you wish to have.

Nope.

Very well.

Bargie, please state your full name and your position.

Bargeri and Jade, the ship

of stars.

Of memories.

Alright.

Of fame.

Once used to be the most thriving ship in all of the galaxy.

Do you know the people who used to be inside of me?

LaCrae Lacrosse, Jacob Moran, Jim Ginnarar, A.

Luckalar.

Do you know Jim

Oh, I knew him very well.

He used to sit on that stoop that you're sitting in right now.

And he used to say to me, Bargie,

you're the ship dreams are made of.

And then he died.

Right there?

On that stoop?

Yes, famously Jim Jimnerar died aboard the Bargary Jade.

Wow.

I used to be the most famous ship.

I used to make movies.

I used to walk the red carpet, but from the sky.

Okay.

They used to make remake movies about me with other lesser-known ships.

That's not a speed.

Uh, I was on a break.

I was shatting up another local ship.

Do you ever guys ever hear of the Henry Buckaloo ship?

He's broken down.

He used to be big back in the day.

We would texting back and forth.

A break is not a thing that ships.

hey, it's not my fault they messed up.

Yes, this is all my fault.

I get it.

Alright, I have a lot of uh paperwork to file.

Hang tight.

Uh I will be back.

Okay.

Attention.

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Honestly, the last book I listened to made me feel just as much as when I was shot through my arm with a laser rifle, but you know, in a good way, Audible has the largest, I repeat, the largest library and the most exclusive content.

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Rebel leader out

Ambassador Deck Center, we have an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager, Market the Moon.

Here we go.

Okay,

so we've got the paperwork in, and, you know,

the word is, it's not technically the worst mission that's been logged.

So.

What's the worst mission that's been logged?

There was a ship that exploded in the hangar.

That's bad.

Now that's a zero.

On a scale.

You mean on the scale?

The scale from what?

Ambassador Deck Center?

It seems cruel to

give a number to these poor members of the Federalists.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

There is supposed to only be three.

I'm afraid Bargie is correct.

There are three life forms and one droid aboard the ship.

Where?

Tyr.

It's me.

Hello?

Hello?

Hi.

Who are you?

I'm the

daughter of the Grand Kula.

You're the Kulada.

I am.

I'm a Kulada.

You abducted a princess.

Now, listen, this was a mistake.

This...

Well, I'm actually the Warchieftain's daughter.

It's not.

It's not a royalty.

What the juck is happening right now?

Listen, I am so sorry.

I don't know how you got on this ship, but we got into sort of an argument with your father, and we had to make a hasty exit.

Why didn't you fight him?

I tried, but I sort of hit my security officer.

Yeah, he prefers to fight people who work with him.

Ambassador Dixon, you were not at any point fighting.

You were running away.

We've talked about that a lot, and I know you're correct technically, but I would just like, you know, when history is written, we'll say, look, there was an altercation.

I shot someone and that's all we really need to say about it why would the historians of the future not just use my video record of the events okay yes i

wow when you zoom in like that honestly looks like you're going to be

dark

um excuse me oh right uh

the only reason i came here is because i saw the barcherian jade oh my that's so nice of you you know you know her from the movies yeah thank you you know, it was a long time ago.

They're the silent ones, the ones with talking, they're all amazing.

You want a signature?

I can't.

You know what?

You want some gas?

Oh, my.

Yes.

All right.

Bargy, do not inject gas inside the ship again.

The Bargerian Jade has covered the colona in a thick stream of her own gas.

Oh.

Oh, this is the Bargerian Jade's gas.

I cannot.

I cannot.

There you go, sweetheart.

I'll look up in a boot for you.

None of my friends are gonna believe this.

Oh, you wanna take a picture inside of me?

Oh, can I?

There we go.

Oh, my God.

This is gonna be so amazing because honestly, when my father comes with all his warships, you'll be obliterated.

But like, oh, this is amazing.

This is the exact control panel from Ship Please.

Yeah, you remember you're a real fan.

That's a true fan.

Ship please, you guys don't even know what shit please meant to me.

Because I'll be honest with you, Bargie.

I was going through a really tough time.

Yeah.

And I was just like, what?

Yeah.

What?

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah.

It wasn't even that there was anything really happening.

Yeah.

But I was just more like, what?

What?

Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, what?

What?

And my friends are like, what?

But you have every...

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut your mouth.

I'm sorry.

I'll tell you this.

My father will pull out your entrails and floss with them.

What?

Why?

Your dad doesn't need to kill us.

We're the good guys, okay?

We're the Federated Alliance.

Wait, who the juck is the Federated Alliance?

I'm so glad you asked that.

The Federated Alliance defeated the evil galactic monarchy in the Battle of Sistu.

A team of rebels flew a fighter in.

History is boring.

It's boring.

Okay.

Chuck you.

Okay.

Chuck you.

Okay, I'm sorry.

My father is going to destroy you.

Okay, we've established that.

You'll be the first to die.

I will ensure that you will be the first to die.

My father will rip you apart.

He will rip you limb from limb.

Listen, can we just take you home?

Can we just take you home?

I'm having a good time.

But I I don't want your father to kill you.

Can someone uh cover the culada's ears?

Um,

I know this might sound harsh, but I think we should eject the culada into deep space.

What we can do that?

There's this loophole because there's honestly a lack of data on this particular species, so we don't technically know that she can't breathe out there.

Yeah, let's watch it.

Bargie, let's let's open the hat.

No, no, come on, Bargie.

No, don't do that, don't do that.

No, just close it, close it, close it.

You locked her outside the ship.

No, it's good.

No, open it, bring her back in.

No, bring her back in.

Hey, listen, sorry.

What?

The junk.

I am so sorry.

What the junk?

There was a misunderstanding.

We were.

We.

You ejected me into space

her own tears are frozen to her face i promise you this first of all i have three hearts i promise by all three of them that my father will board the ship

destroy all of you okay

no destroy destroy the pink one okay just really the

yeah

yeah you're the pink one you're the only pink one i'm not even close to pink no destroy the pink one burst him i wouldn't call myself pink You're pink enough.

Yeah, of all of us in here, you're the pinkest.

You're going to be burst.

You're just going to be burst.

My father will...

What does that mean?

He will puncture a small hole in you and fill you with air until you pop.

Huh.

And then take your entrails and like do a sensual dance with them.

Oh, like between his legs.

Yeah, between his legs.

Listen, cool out of it.

I'm sorry.

Shut up.

I'm not done.

Calm down, Codena.

We can just tack this out.

And you, Bargerian Jade.

Just for the record, Shipblease 2 was a disaster.

Whoa.

It was a disaster.

It was a croon grab.

Ship please 2 was a croon grab and everybody knew it.

Everybody knew it.

Had a dawn of integrity.

You know what?

I figured it out.

Everyone, uh, hey.

What?

You're a fan of mine, right?

Yeah.

You like my work, right?

Yeah.

You probably always wanted to be your own spaceship, right?

Yeah.

Now's a chance.

No,

I don't

know how to be a spaceship.

Um, I honestly do not know what form to fill out in this situation.

You're welcome, Barging.

Yeah, wow.

Oh, everyone's really saying it.

Man, Barge, I

gotta say, she was a fan.

I know.

Big fan.

I know.

That was one of the purest uses of fame I've ever seen.

Not my first time.

You murdered your first time.

Why is that surprising to you?

I don't know why I'm surprised by that.

That was the log line of my third movie.

Wow.

Look at that frozen colada.

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hey everyone uh not the greatest news just received orders that this ambassador team is suspended until further notice

without pay

over and out

without pay

guys.

Look,

I really am

an incoming transmission from Junior Missions Operations Manager Ramad Bundaloy.

Hello, good news.

Suspension lifted.

Apparently, they are of arbitrary length.

Oh,

that could have been years.

Wait, they're they're just a different length every time?

Yeah, it's a randomizer.

Does this mean we get to go on another mission?

Absolutely.

Then let's do it.

Buckle up.

And I dump some gas.

Why?

Why do you have to...

That's the way you move.

Yeah, isn't that important to you?

How do you think I keep this figure?

Alright, kill the dope buttons up and get off.

C-Red IT5 credits and attribution story commencing outro protocol.

Ambassador Pleck Deck Center was played by Alden Ford.

C-53 Diplomatic Relations and Protocol Droid was played by Jeremy Bend.

Security Officer Dar was played by Ali Gokesh.

Bargie the Ship was played by Mujan Solfogari.

Junior Missions Operations Manager Nermit Bundeloy was played by Seth Blind.

The Grand Kula and the Kulada were both played by Winston Knoll.

Mission to Zix is recorded at Bronze Studios in Greenpoint, Brooklyn by engineer Shane O'Connell.

This episode, edited by Alden Ford, with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell.

Music by Brendan Ryan.

Opening crawl narration by Jeremy Crutchley.

Ship design for the Bargerian Jade by Eric Goyce.

Mission to Zix is brought to this galaxy by Audioboom.

Thanks, Audioboom.

Have a question for the crew?

They have email.

Send an email to crew at missiontosix.space.

You locked her outside the ship.

No, it's good.

No, open it.

Bring her back in.

No, bring her back in.

Hey, listen, sorry.

What the juck?

What the juck?